Having absolutely no active ego, meaning you have a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension, means you have an unbreakable frame of reality, and subsequently, an unbreakable will. You may be wondering if there's a very, almost overly simplified way to state this. There is.
You live in objective reality.
Stay high and get shot down.
Stay indifferent and remain irrelevant.
Stay grounded and there's no stopping you.
Try to do no harm, then show no mercy to those who still harm you.
Regardless of your existing core value, there is a 5-step process that, if executed correctly, will result in you obtaining a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension, allowing you to reap the massive benefits.
While honesty with others can be very important, the primary focus here is honesty with yourself. The whole process is going to be futile and/or result in a sub-optimal core value development process if complete honesty with yourself is not applied throughout.
This may come rather naturally for some and could be very difficult, requiring very conscious awareness and effort, for others. However, its significance is extremely great regardless and it should never be overlooked despite its seeming simplicity.
Lack of honesty will interfere with the necessary level of critical thinking and negatively impact the process. This process works with the truth as its fundamental pillar, and lies sabotage that foundation and therefore the integrity of all efforts moving forward.
Sooner or later we all go through a crucible.
Most believe there are two types of people who go into a crucible:
But there is a third type: The ones who learn to love the fire.
Who choose to stay in their crucible because it's easier to embrace the pain when it's all you know anymore.
Living is not for the weak.
"You do not think thoughts simply because they are there."
Thinking is a very high-capacity ability. We experience thoughts as emotions. The clearer we are able to think, the clearer these emotions are able to become.
Your thinking ability is roughly split into 2 thinking categories:
When these two thinking abilities of an individual are reaching an ideal balance, that individual is best able to channel their total thinking ability into what they are thinking in the "real" physical material world.
Since each portion of thinking ability feeds off the other, ideal balance is achieved with optimal awareness of control.
People are too often afraid to become aware, have control (knowledge), and find balance within themselves as they exert their power (use their knowledge) over the world. Do not be scared of removing limits from your thinking in general, be scared of removing limits carelessly.
Any power an individual has, they deserve, because once knowledge is obtained, time cannot be reversed and so since the individual managed to gain that power, unless someone would kill them (or otherwise inhibit their potential) because of it's acquisition, they are free to exert it as they please...
However, every smart individual understands that with power comes responsibility, and in order for them to have ideal circumstances, they would be best off exercising the most responsibility possible.
If you're not willing to at least try your absolute best to be completely honest with yourself, there's no point going further.
Your existing core value is going to logically inhibit your ability to accurately identify your core value.
Even trying the next step becomes a waste of time.
As you go through life, you develop in various ways due to various reasons like environment, friends, family, life choices, and luck. Things that exist more through emotional reactivity rather than calculation will hinder your ability to see objective reality clearly.
As you must see reality clearly in order to do very deep and thorough introspection and ultimately be able to see yourself more clearly, working to clear your head of clutter in this step is very important to facilitate the next step.
You should take careful note that there's a difference between thinking hard and thinking critically. Thinking critically involves meta-thinking and attention to functional efficiency of thoughts, meaning how effective they are in serving a useful purpose, in general as well as most optimally.
A lack of proper attention to the functional efficiency of thoughts is what typically tends to lead to obsessive thinking that leads to things like anxiety and depression. Such inefficiency will greatly hinder your ability to identify things in your life that aren't critically thought out.
Additional information can be found in the Thinking chapter.
We build up models of how we see the world outside of us. The more information that we have, the more we refine our model one way or another.
What we ultimately do is tell ourselves a story about what the outside world is.
Any information that we process, any information that we take in from the environment, is always coloured by the experiences that we've had and an emotional response that we're having to what we're bringing in.
We also ultimately tell ourselves a story about who and what we are. This story is based on those models we build within which we perceive the world outside of us.
Additional information can be found in the Identity chapter.
It is only when you understand that you don't understand, that you can begin to learn.
Your core value is what you value the most in life. What you value above anything else within the context of your existence.
It's subconsciously present. It can be consciously experienced, but this is not necessarily the case, nor does a current experience of a value make it your core value.
Your core value doesn't mean you don't value other things (potentially greatly) as well; it's merely a distinction of the one that you, as an individual being with cognitive capabilities, fundamentally value most as the driving force behind your thoughts and actions.
There is always something, though it might take some people quite some time to figure out what theirs is.
Your core value can change throughout your life based on your experiences and the knowledge you derived from them. The previous core values you had do not always just disappear, and build links to form your complete core value chain, all the way to the end where your current core value is.
As a very general pointer, try to think about each year of your life, from your earliest memories, and try to figure out what you think your core value was each year and what points it might have changed at, to end up at what your core value currently is.
It can be very helpful to write down/type up a lot of your thoughts. It's very important that you don't overlook any important details. Following some kind of procedure that gives order and organization to the process is very important.
Your ultimate goal here is to reach a state where you truly love and accept logic as a fundamental part of your existence.
Refined pure bidirectional apprehension is clearly the most superior core value because not only does it truly allow you to understand that safety is a concept that does not truly exist, but it also allows you to cope with that fact in the healthiest and most functionally effective fashion.
This makes forwards-rationalized apprehension the most compatible pre-existing core value from within which to reach for any of the bidirectional apprehension variants, because more often than not, forwards-rationalized apprehension (deeply contemplating the future) is used as opposed to backwards-rationalized apprehension (deeply contemplating the past) in efficiently functional individuals with bidirectional apprehension variants as an existing core value.
Proper cognition involves bidirectional apprehension. This is by default a state that considers the self and environment of appropriately scoped importance. It generally leads a lot more to a right action mindset.
Every core value chain resolves to one of 3 core values at the lowest level.
Backwards-rationalized apprehension is deeply contemplating the past; this is usually purely emotionally/impulsively fueled, but can implement considerable rational thinking.
Some individuals can have a core value of backwards-rationalized rationalization, which may make them unable to reach for bidirectional apprehension ever. This core value can be identified using a diagnosis of Paranoid Personality Disorder.
Forwards-rationalized apprehension is deeply contemplating the future; this is usually driven a lot more by the rational thinking part of the brain, although emotions can often also be heavily involved.
Some individuals can have a core value of forwards-rationalized rationalization (intermittent terror or panic), but this is often easier to overcome than its backwards-rationalized variant.
Bidirectional apprehension is actively using critical thinking to put your headspace in a state where you can flawlessly switch between backwards- and forwards-rationalization as necessary to form an ideally critically thought out world view that accurately takes into consideration the probabilistic nature of reality.
There are varying degrees with which this may be done. This is described in much greater detail in the Core Values chapter. Additional very useful information can also be found in the Value Systems and The Supernatural Mindset chapters.
Everything you do is fundamentally driven by the consistent patterns that bring about your perception of reality.
If your logic tells you the bottle is blue, the bottle is blue.
Logic, however, does not make things true.
|Conceptualization||The core of an idea is identified|
|Realization||The idea is more fully realized and it's form starts to take shape|
|Visualization||Detailed construct of layout and functionality of relevant data is produced|
|Recreation||Visualized concept is implemented in practice, and initial testing to confirm successful replication of intended idea is performed|
|Confirmation (optional)||Others test and provide feedback to potentially further refine and polish concept|
Active ego causes subjective bias, which can cause varying degrees of lack of clarity and awareness of objective reality.
This step is essentially combining step 2 and 3 in order to resolve cognitive dissonance that results from any core value other than refined pure bidirectional apprehension. Executing this step perfectly eventually leads to a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension, as it greatly facilitates the next step. Executing this step successfully in general leads to a core value of unrefined pure bidirectional apprehension, however this may be subject to considerable volatility.
When done correctly, this process is effectively eliminating any mental illness caused by active ego, and coming to solutions to all problems in one's life that can be solved simply by possessing and utilizing a highly emotionally and intellectually aware state of consciousness.
So many mental issues and negative personality traits, when deeply internalized, are typically fueled by active ego. Jealousy, pride, depression, anxiety, rage, apathy...
Your ultimate goal here is to reach a state where you understand that any core value not using logic as a tool and as a goal is fundamentally flawed.
The practical consequence of this is that you acquire an extremely deep awareness of being in the present moment. Many mistake this state for being the highest level of enlightenment, when really, it's essentially simply experiencing being in a flow state. Anyone that has considerable difficulty achieving this step most likely has some form of considerably serious mental illness.
Additional information can be found in the Fear chapter.
A dick has a sad life.
Doesn't sound very nice, does it?
Most people come from a place of ultimately accepting safety as a core value, whether more directly or through logic as a means to an end.
Ultimately, the only practical difference between core values is how aligned with reality they are.
Actively seeking safety feeds backwards-rationalized core values and leads to binary thinking, which is binary opposition between thoughts.
A binary opposition (also binary system) is a pair of related terms or concepts that are opposite in meaning. Binary opposition is the system by which, in language and thought, two theoretical opposites are strictly defined and set off against one another.
On the surface, it may appear to be a performative contradiction to assert that the lack of actively seeking safety ultimately leads to a greater overall sense of safety, however this comes from a lack of thoroughly understanding how life really works. Do you know the biggest reason why you're still alive right now? Because you haven't done anything severe enough to piss off someone enough with sufficient power to cause you to cease to be alive.
Everything else like good health or mood or financial situation is absolutely meaningless in the face of sheer unbreakable power. Even the people at the very top have to pay very careful attention to this fact, because one wrong move can easily result in them going at each others' throats. If you're not at the top? You? You're just another shitty clown in this shitty circus.
If you've already understood your current core value isn't refined pure bidirectional apprehension and that it should be, the next rational thing to do is to realize you really have to live your life understanding and applying the implications of what you know.
Safety is a concept that does not truly exist.
"All through time, people have basically acted and reacted the same way in the market as a result of: greed, fear, ignorance, and hope. That is why the numerical formations and patterns recur on a constant basis.
The game of speculation is the most uniformly fascinating game in the world. But it is not a game for the stupid, the mentally lazy, the person of inferior emotional balance, or the get-rich-quick adventurer. They will die poor."
The game of speculation doesn't just apply to volatile markets; it applies to life.
Understand that the best insurance against ego death is a contemplative, strong inner self-identity.
An ego defined in this way is resilient against loss of money, reputation, physique, family, and friends.
Ego death can be very painful, and there is no way to protect completely against it.
But it shouldn't be something you fear.
If you've done psychedelic drugs in considerable doses before in your life, perhaps you have at least one experience you would call "ego death". But I'm talking about intellectual ego death, not substance-induced ego death. There's a very significant difference. Substance-induced ego death can be very strongly emotionally soothing, but intellectual ego death is very logically soothing.
I've felt both plenty. Which do I prefer? Intellectual ego death by far. I mean, shrooms and acid are great and all, but that's besides the point.
EGO DEATH IS EXTREMELY DIFFICULT TO MAKE PERMANENT!!
Feeling an enlightened state of ego death at some points in life is something many people experience. It can come in short bursts or lengthier periods. When it doesn't come as a result of very carefully and thoroughly thinking things through using the process described in these steps, it's only temporary. It can happen only once, rarely, here and there, or maybe even rather often. But the foundation is not concrete enough for it to be permanent, and if it's not permanent, you lose A LOT of the benefit.
In fact, the more often you experience ego death with it not being permanent, the more fucked up you'll feel. It's not necessarily a bad thing.
Part of enlightenment entails an understanding that the universe is fundamentally probabilistic. You have to recognize that relentless execution of purging any possible cognitive biases can be a very active and involved process of varying difficulty.
Providing objectively quantifiable demonstrations of maturity can and will invariably be perceived differently by different people. Remaining grounded and independent of the opinions of others is extremely important.
Achieving this step looks different for everyone.
Your ultimate goal here is to reach a state where you understand that any core value not using experience as a tool and as a goal is fundamentally flawed. Keep in mind this must be properly and completely layered on top of the understanding regarding logic achieved through the previous step, otherwise you could end up downgrading your core value!
The practical consequence of this is that you acquire an extremely deep awareness of existing within objective reality, on top of an extremely deep awareness of being in the present moment. Most people have never experienced this, and even experiencing it before in your life doesn't necessarily mean it's permanent. This state is what I can only find suitable to describe as having one's mind deeply integrated within the quantum field.
Still not convinced this step is extremely important?!
Perhaps it helps more to inform you that very serious serial killers, I'm talking the ones that never get caught, are much more likely to have this core value. This is because unfortunately, far too often, an individual truly capable of following these steps with exceptional ability will encounter people that are so ridiculously out of tune with objective reality that they feel entitled to look down on the person with intolerable brutality. When that meets the fact that having this core value results in an extremely thorough and meticulous nature, upon being highly driven to certain goals, one especially important one of which is preservation of self-respect, things can get really bad for individuals seriously attempting to breach that self-respect. It reaches a point where enough is enough.
Continue to embrace the natural fear that your perception of a fundamentally probabilistic universe entails...
Additional information can be found in the WHY chapter.
This step is in contrast with quantum energy arts, which primarily focuses on having one's body deeply integrated within the quantum field. Successfully achieving this step in a permanent capacity effectively grants you supernatural mental abilities, whereas mastery of quantum energy arts effectively grants you supernatural physical abilities. While achieving this step isn't universally considered mandatory for training in quantum energy arts, it greatly facilitates and accelerates development in that field. As for my personal standards for training potential students, I consider it very much mandatory.
Additional information can be found in the Energy chapter.
You will always be scared. To be alive is to be scared. You can't run or hide from it for real. Fear is what ultimately always drives you.
If you use logic to navigate embracing it instead of pushing it away, you can radically change how you experience life.
For many things, your attitudes came from actions which led to observations which led to explanations which led to beliefs.
It is well known in psychology the cart of behavior often gets before the horse of attitude.
Attitude is a feeling, belief, or opinion of approval or disapproval towards something. Behavior is an action or reaction that occurs in response to an event or internal stimuli (i.e. thought).
Your actions tend to chisel away at the raw marble of your persona, carving into being the self you experience day-to-day.
It doesn't feel that way though.
To conscious experience, it feels like you are the one holding the chisel, motivated by existing thoughts and beliefs.
It feels as though the person wearing your pants is performing actions consistent with your established character, yet there is plenty of research suggesting otherwise.
Your choices and free will are going to be defined by your intellectual and emotional ability to take distance from your belief system and ideas and look at things from a bigger perspective.
The things you do often create the things you believe.
Individuals without refined pure bidirectional apprehension as a core value are prone to having an active ego, and when their ego gets activated, they start demonstrating narcissistic behavior which sows the seeds of discontent within the intersubjective reality. This can eventually lead to them knowingly or unknowingly ruining all the relationships with people that they have. Or worse.
Here are 5 fundamental traits that a person without any active ego (meaning they have refined pure bidirectional apprehension as their core value) will never demonstrate:
Some individuals have taken to telling others they are "intellectually masturbating" when faced with the facts.
Don't tell people they're intellectually masturbating, because it makes you clinically insane.
Telling someone they're intellectually masturbating is the closest thing to intellectually masturbating that there is.
You're a pro or you're a noob. That's life.
You may have read all the steps and come to the point where you feel you have a decent grasp on what the process is and why it's extremely powerful and can potentially save your life, but feel a little lost as to where exactly you can go from there to attempt to follow them properly.
There's no one thing or one-size-fits-all precise procedure that allows any person to swiftly achieve a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension; the details of every person's journey who does eventually reach this state will be different. This process and the understanding of it can interconnect in that journey in different ways.
For example, for me personally, I had to endure so much fuckery, with the countless fucked up circumstances and people in my life already at early adulthood, that it wasn't necessary for me to ask myself much deep life questions in order to have deep drive to pursue a thorough understanding of life. My experience of life inherently extremely brutally forced upon me the necessity of a deep and thorough understanding and integration of this process with the essence of my being in order to even simply survive. However, most people will never face nearly such an intense and deeply disturbing level of adversity to drive the process in such a fashion.
This process isn't intended to be cryptic, however many may still see it as such; not only is it rather intellectually complex, but it's especially difficult to deeply resonate with without personal experiences that necessitate or at least facilitate deep integration within one's character. If you want to attempt to follow the steps but feel kind of lost in terms of where to start, I've created a list of what I consider to be the most significant deep life questions that you can explore during introspection.
Going through this list and attempting to answer and reflect upon your answers for these questions is probably the most practical and effective way for most people to attempt this process, as selling or throwing away pretty much everything they own and becoming homeless to search for deep meaning in life without clinging onto any real notion of safety and probably experience multiple near-death and/or deeply disturbing experiences is probably not something most people would be willing to do, much less be able to do so in a capacity that doesn't result in actually fucking themselves up instead and ending up dead, a career criminal, a drug addict, or a combination of the three.
After answering any question, try to ask yourself why you gave the answer you did. If you wish you gave a different answer, then also reflect on that and why that's the case.
This is primarily intended to help with step 2, to find things in your life that aren't critically thought out. It can also help with step 3, to identify your complete core value chain. It's not necessary, but it's probably useful. Keep in mind this is just a general guideline; by no means am I claiming to have covered all the possible questions that can deeply facilitate introspection for just about any person. That being said, these questions can potentially help with every step, and they probably do cover everything really important to this process for many people.
I provide my own personal answers to every question, after presenting the list, for anyone that may be curious what those look like. Yes, that means anyone that reads them all will get to know me pretty well. No, that doesn't bother me in the slightest. When you reach the kind of level I'm at, there's very little you truly care to keep secret.
Does it bother me that people could copy several of my critical existential answers and attempt to present them to me, claiming they themselves have my core value as well? Not in the slightest.
You have to realize that many people could give deep kinds of answers that would typically indicate a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension, simply because they're smart enough to know which answers sound the most intelligent, mature, and refined. However, the way they live their life has to reflect that, or they're not really being honest. This kind of dishonesty is most likely to happen in individuals that have a core value presentation mismatch, meaning they are, by technical definition outlined in philopsychology, a textbook psychopath/sociopath. Which unfortunately is true of most people in the world.
Why don't I care?
Step 1 applies to these questions too; there's no point to doing this if you're not going to be completely honest with it. The truth will come out sooner or later, and it tends to be sooner if you're dealing with someone like me who has the strongest possible core value. If you're a psychopath or a sociopath, it's rather easy for me to tell rather quickly. You don't have to take my word for it, although you'll most likely end up really regretting it if you don't. I appreciate honesty far more than guilt or shame; admitting there's a problem is the first step to fixing it.
As I said earlier, here are my answers to each question.
It shouldn't be a question that your beliefs lead to behavior which shapes your reality. Ultimately, your experiences lead to your mindset which leads to your beliefs.
It doesn't make sense to function in reality through your cognitive capabilities without constantly actively accepting that your perception is prone to error. Such a fundamentally probability-oriented mindset means that the only thing that makes sense is to acknowledge that it's uncertain whether we truly have free will or things ultimately come down to simply fate, however it's also extremely stupid to allow the possibility of a predetermined universe to be used as a rationalization to form self-limiting beliefs and live in a prison of your own fears and doubts.
A lot. I consider just about everything I want out of life very much in my reach, except for one thing that's probably more than it's realistic to expect, particularly with how fucked up society is these days.
I really wanted my connection with Kimi to work, but that doesn't seem like it's going to happen. If it did, I'd live a happy life with her. The way things seem to be going... I'm just going to end up in isolation, exacting an extremely brutal retribution after a few years, then continue to isolate myself and just fuck around slaughtering hundreds if not thousands of people daily and making sure that Kimi and every person that supported and facilitated her in trying to drive me to suicide deeply regrets they were ever born.
So many people I've asked this to say no. If you choose to continue to live, why do so if you truly hate your life so much that you want it to end at some point? And if you truly like your life, why do you want it to ever end?
My perspective on this wouldn't change regardless of if I get the kind of relationship with Kimi that I want or not. I can still find deep satisfaction in exacting my extremely brutal retribution and knowing I have no regrets. I value my life enough that I treasure every moment and do everything in my power at all times to make it feel as enjoyable and worth continuing to live as I can, and I've already reached a point of greatness where I'd never like my life to end.
You can bet I'll do everything in my power to become immortal. To my knowledge, it's very possible for me using quantum energy harvesting meditation, and some people believe it'll likely be possible regardless, within what would probably be considered by most to be my lifetime, even through other means. I definitely hope I achieve immortality one way or another.
I'd say anyone that says no is probably instantly eliminated as a potential candidate for currently possessing a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension.
If we're talking realistically and things within my control, there's nothing I would change. This is because if there's something I can change that I want to change, I fucking do it!
If we're talking even unrealistic things, then I wish I could get the effects of years of extremely intense quantum energy harvesting meditation (huge internal reserve of quantum energy and the extremely fine-tuned awareness and control of the aforementioned) without having to spend all the time putting in the work. Then I could get my extremely brutal retribution already instead of having to go into isolation for years first. Not really a big deal though, because I really don't mind putting in the work if that's the way my life's going to go. Not like there's anything else I'd rather be doing with my life anyways.
Immaturity that is very much consciously seriously intended to antagonize someone or a group of people in a fashion that seriously negatively impacts their life. The fact that this isn't illegal to do is fucking stupid. Or rather, how severely selective and biased the law is with considerations in this regard is fucking stupid.
I've already done this multiple times in my life. Mostly clothing, a wallet, a laptop, a phone... A couple other small things like earbuds and tweezers. Nothing really sentimental or irreplaceable, just useful shit.
I mean, I have a few small pieces of paperwork that I've kept for memories/evidence of some past experiences, but I wouldn't really be all that bothered if I lost them; I just keep them because I can and it's really easy since they hardly weigh anything or take up much space.
Ever since I first did this, I realized how liberating it feels to have very little possessions you at all care about, and these days, I try to keep my belongings few enough that I can do this any time, even if I don't particularly need or intend to.
I'm not really proud of anything. Pride is an active ego-driven construct, and I don't possess any active ego.
If I really had to try to give some kind of perhaps more "meaningful" answer for someone to feel like they know me better, I suppose I'd say getting this book to the state that it's gotten to.
Second to that would be the rather large source of the 3D, networked, multi-genre game that I put years of time into developing but didn't end up completing or formally releasing because after a few years of working on it, I started getting hit in the face with one massive fuckery after another and I came to realize I absolutely needed meaningful human connection in my life before popping off or even all the money and fame in the world would actually be detrimental to my desire to live because I'd be surrounded by people that wanted to be my friend/partner but I wouldn't even remotely be able to trust anyone and I'd grow to deeply resent life and humanity.
Actually, maybe coming to that realization should be my proudest accomplishment.
There isn't anyone, famous or otherwise, that I really care to meet at this point. My life has led me to the point where I currently consider human connection overrated and desire for it to be only weakness.
I really wanted to meet Kimi before I met her, but that's already been done and it seems it only ended extremely unfortunately. I guess meeting NF could be cool, but I'm not really sure what we'd talk about or do.
I guess I'd like to meet the president of the U.S. so I can call him a schmuck and laugh in his face and ask him how he feels that one woman in his country is going to get the whole country royally fucked up... But he'd probably just have the Secret Service kill me shortly after I'm done explaining to him how and why I'm not joking, so I don't really feel like I'm at a loss for not being able to do so. It's not like the schmuck doesn't already know about me.
My extremely deep maturity. It breeds relentless drive for greatness and extremely deep passion for life, which are things that you never want to live without once you really experience how powerful they are and how great they feel to have.
I'm not plagued by mental illness like most are. I don't struggle with negative personality characteristics like most do. I'm not a fake jackass airhead like most are. I genuinely consider myself an awesome person and I know why that's true regardless of what anyone with their own motives to see me how they do may see me. I genuinely believe the world would be a better place if there were more people like me in it.
Maturity. It's perhaps a difficult choice between maturity and humanity, because both can have very good and bad sides to see others demonstrate, depending on the situation, the person, and their interpretation of the aforementioned concepts.
The ability to manipulate air. It's extremely flexible, versatile, and it basically gives me all the other elements too. Power that spans many, many uses.
It just so happens that this is the foundation for and first thing you get to do with quantum energy arts, so this is more simply a matter of time for me rather than some fantasy.
What's that? You think I'm delusional? Alright, laugh your ass off now then, so I can make sure you're crying your soul out when I fuck you up a few years from now, you stupid fuck.
Life can be a very delicate balance. Changing any one thing could have various possibly serious adverse side effects that may be quite difficult to anticipate. Additionally, trying too hard to force a change could itself present problems in the result, even if making the core of the change was itself successful.
As such, there isn't any profound kind of change in the world that I'd specifically like to see. If the world doesn't want to change, then I don't want it to change either. If it wants to fucking burn, then I want it to fucking burn too. In fact, I'll want it to burn and help it harder than it does to itself!
If nothing significant changes, I'll end up fucking the world up and probably destroying everything out of extremely deep perpetual sadness and anger of not getting to have the extremely deep and meaningful warmth-filled loving connection that I've been seeking for years which I've come to know I could only ever have with Kimi, but if that's my destiny, so be it.
Perhaps more maturity in the world could be interesting, but that's also a double-edged sword because it could make things more difficult for me as well. I guess the only thing I really wish for was that Kimi would be with me forever, but that's just something I'd change about Kimi, not the world...
While I don't completely disregard how actions I might take might be judged by others, I don't really ever suppress myself for the sake of being judged more favorably by others, at least not to any really significant extent.
Although, in some theoretical world where nobody is judging me for anything, perhaps I'd find it a little easier to express myself more femininely as is a more accurate reflection of the quite soft and gentle nature I have deep inside. Not that it's really going to matter if I end up having to meditate in isolation until I'm so powerful I can and will end the life of anyone on the spot if they piss me off in the slightest.
I've already mastered a female voice, I have what I've heard from women is about a B-cup in breasts, and I have more of an hourglass shape to my body than most men. I just wear loose clothing and use my man voice around people, because I've never been around people I feel comfortable enough with to really want to express myself completely honestly with using my female voice and wearing makeup and female clothing and stuff.
The fact that I'm exclusively attracted to women only complicates things, and even just my body shape already tends to make men think incorrect things; it was a bit of a problem in jail. Luckily (although perhaps unfortunately, from a perspective of wanting to look more feminine), I also have wider shoulders and a bit of weight on me. None of my cellmates seriously tried shit, because I carried myself with strength and proved I can and will take punches if necessary.
I identify as a female, but I'm not at all into men, and I'm certainly not a pussy. I also know there are situations where I should feel completely comfortable expressing myself honestly, and others where it clearly communicates something I'm not trying to communicate. Unfortunately, thus far in my life, I've only really had situations where it hasn't felt appropriate to express myself honestly in public; at this point, this only acts as considerably more fuel to hate humanity and be all the more happy to isolate myself and meditate to ultimately exact an extremely brutal retribution if I can't have the kind of relationship with Kimi that I want.
Both are stupid; I'll stick to being a focused mastermind.
If you're always worried, you're not much of a genius in my books, since despite whatever exceptional intellect you may have, you still can't even figure out keeping your emotions and thoughts in check. If you see life very simply, your joyfulness isn't going to be consistent most of the time, since you'll end up deeply shaken any time considerable adversity faces you, as it always inevitably does at various points in life.
If you're a master of your mind, you invariably become a mastermind at life, in which case you don't chase joy and simplicity like an idiot nor settle for perpetual anxiety amongst being a tryhard. If I'm going to be a tryhard, I need to know that at the very least, it's going to earn me deep confidence and a sense of drive that is unmatched by anything else, making it truly worth the immense effort.
It doesn't matter who it is or what the situation is.
It's not that I think human life in general doesn't have value; every person has something they can offer the world. However, the question isn't if I'm simply going out of my way to save someone's life; it's asking if I'd sacrifice my own life for theirs. While that person has value to their life, my life has value too!
While many may consider it selfish, objectively, it's really not. If someone is going to die one way or the other, there is some perceivable value lost in the world regardless. Why kill myself for someone else? So I don't feel some kind of strange survivor's guilt? That seems pretty selfish, because then I'm saying I'd rather that person live with survivor's guilt over my death. If they wouldn't feel survivor's guilt, then I'd be killing myself for a fucking psychopath with a very apparent severe lack of empathy or any true regard for human life, meaning I gave up my life for a massive piece of shit that could potentially end up becoming a serial killer.
Not so altruistic to kill yourself for someone else when you really look at it for what it is, huh? I value my life extremely deeply, and I think anyone that would throw their life away for someone else, even if it saves that person's life, has something seriously wrong with them.
On the surface, it might perhaps seem more understandable, I suppose, if it's the love of your life; you'll feel dead with them gone anyways. But it's still selfish, because unless they don't see you the same way you see them, they'd also feel the same way with you gone. And in fact, it's actually worse, because if they do feel that strongly about you, they have to live also knowing that you basically communicated to them that you thought they didn't love you that much and would ultimately feel okay with you gone, which is just a massive slap in the face to someone who does feel that strongly about you.
Definitely quantum energy harvesting meditation.
It's so much more revitalizing than regular meditation, and it's incomparably, remarkably empowering to know that not only am I doing something very good for my health, but also doing something that allows me to unlock and achieve my highest possible state of greatness and power simultaneously.
I'm actively reminded before and after finishing a session of such meditation that I'm not the clown most people so arrogantly believe and treat me as if I am, and it's definitely a big part of what keeps me grounded enough not to throw myself off a bridge or high building or take a very large dose of Fentanyl somewhere where nobody can Narcan me and paramedics can't know to try to help me until it's far too late.
Don't have one.
Generally, if something makes me feel guilty, that feeling is extremely unpleasant, and it's to the point where I won't be able to find any pleasure in such an activity. Otherwise, if I feel some kind of vague, rather weak guilt surrounding something, I'll analyze it until I reason things out to the point where that guilt is gone and I can enjoy the activity unencumbered.
Back many years ago where I did have guilty pleasures, it was because I was half-assing life. I don't half-ass life anymore, and I haven't for a long time. I either enjoy everything I enjoy without any guilt at all, or I don't do something at all if it makes me feel guilty.
How are you going to continue to tolerate life at all reasonably well when severe adversity hits you if you don't have a spiritual framework that can extend your headspace beyond sheer emotion and rationality?
What I think most people do horribly wrong in this area, though, is they rely on rather poorly grounded belief systems to attempt to facilitate the strength that spirituality can give you. The problem with this is that it results in the individual becoming rather delusional and forming coping mechanisms that tend to be harmful and self-destructive. It becomes more terribly apparent the more severe the kind of adversity such an individual faces.
Most people can't really clearly see how fucked up it can make them because they never experience truly extremely deeply disturbing adversity.
Well, I know that some form of them does exist after death, although I find their representation within life much more meaningful to recognize and ruminate upon.
If you're dead, you're dead, and any essence of yourself you'd carry with you to an afterlife would be a fragment or remnant of who you were while you were alive, so ultimately, how you carry yourself and live and think while you're alive is the more meaningful topic.
This world is hell, no doubt. Far from anything any remotely sane individual could consider a utopia worthy of being called "heaven". Any interpretation of heaven is all in your head. I'd say possessing a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension gets you as close to heaven, while living and otherwise, as it gets.
Wisdom from individuals considerably more progressed in quantum energy harvesting meditation training than I currently am suggests that the fate of all beings without extensive quantum energy harvesting meditation training is the same and reasonably straightforward.
The essence of one's existence, to the capacity of their core character traits, continues to exist within a field imperceptible by any of the standard forms of sensory perception, until a certain state of wholeness is attained, after which an ascension into what could perhaps only be described as an eternal abyss of the source of existence occurs.
For beings with extensive quantum energy harvesting meditation training, the death of their physical body doesn't equate to the termination of their ability to influence the physical plane of existence which our sensory perception is restricted within, to the capacity that they are still able to channel their energy to manifest their will upon it, limited only by the extent of their training.
There's no such thing for me.
To be quite frank, I don't give a flying fuck how I'm remembered after I'm dead. I give a fuck what people think of me and how they treat me while I'm alive; that's what actually counts. They can think whatever the fuck they want about me after I'm dead... I'm fucking dead, so why the fuck would I give a flying fuck? Hello?
I think anyone that seriously gives a shit how people see them after they're dead is on some serious ego trip and probably has serious mental health issues, of which the severity directly correlates with the extent which thought and attention is put into this desired perception of others to have after their death. That's some fucking suicide bomber/school shooter/other terrorist-type shit.
And yes, I also consider being a massive masochist that glorifies and romanticizes martyring themselves (like Jesus) a serious mental health issue.
Given the understanding that the universe is fundamentally probabilistic, combined with the fact that no almighty being has formed a physical manifestation of itself in front of me to present to me my absolute life purpose... I don't have a life purpose. Life is simply what I make of it combined with what my environment imposes upon me.
Some may consider this depressing, but I find it quite liberating and empowering. It's not some rigidly defined altruistic bullshit, which is probably what most would reach for when attempting to answer this question. Instead, it means I'm shaping the purpose I want to see my life as having, every moment that I'm living it.
Nobody! I'm perfectly fine having my own life and staying myself.
There are things I wish were better, but that's probably true of every person's experience of life. At this point, I've already put such immense effort into at least still being able to find deep satisfaction in exacting an extremely brutal retribution in the future upon those that leave me deeply disturbed, and I wouldn't give up being where I'm at for anything.
I figure a lot of people would wish they had my life actually, because it's hella better than being some pathetic jackass airhead that's sad and/or mad at life but too apathetic towards life to actually do something about it to improve their headspace and life. I worked hard as fuck to turn my life of absolute shit into something I already consider consisting of greatness, and it's to the point I'd definitely rather be myself than anyone else in this world. Hands down.
Not died. Lmfao.
I live my life always doing everything in my power to have no regrets, so there's nothing that I really want to do that I can do and yet am not doing. Anything I hope to achieve, I'm doing whatever I can to achieve. Dying puts a hard stop on that, but I'm considering practical constraints as well as a lack of the knowledge that I'd be dying in the very near future, as this question intends.
If we're disregarding practical constraints and assuming I have the knowledge I'll die the next day and there's absolutely nothing I could ever do to stop it? Well, that gets kind of dark, since I wouldn't have wanted to die without fucking this world up harder and leaving a bigger mark first before dying never having felt truly deep satisfaction that would make all my immense suffering worth the struggle of overcoming. It'd kind of be a toss-up between multiple really destructive things, and I'll refrain from mentioning them, so as not to potentially end up with any further criminal charges. Needless to say, it'd involve many people dying.
I don't really fuck with politics, because for the most part, it's one giant clown fiesta shitshow filled with fakeness, manipulation, insincerity, and just overall fuckery. Unfortunately, the only good politician would be one that isn't motivated by financial gain or personal gain in general, but such person then wouldn't choose to be a politician, because it'd be a lot of stress and pressure at their own detriment.
Even fucking Jesus would rather go heal blind people and turn water into wine and shit instead of be a politician, and he was supposed to be the biggest martyr this world will ever see. So politics are pretty fucked unless this world undergoes some deep changes.
As for what my beliefs would be if I had to try to fit myself on the political spectrum, I'm pretty sure I'd be really moderate.
I tend to focus on practical implications, so it wouldn't make a difference to me either way.
If we aren't the most advanced species, then there must be a good reason that the most advanced species either doesn't know we exist or hasn't cared for making contact with us in a way where their existence is made apparent and widely known. If such a species exists, the reason their existence isn't widely known and accepted is probably because they're not all that much more advanced than we are. Put a few bullets in their head and they probably still die. In that case, they're no particular threat to me or my plans to do quantum energy harvesting meditation in isolation and rule this shitty planet.
Humans are already trying to enslave each other, and I consider the attempts of the giant conglomerates and powerful influential spearheads, both in and out of the public eye, to be a much greater threat than any other species.
As far as I'm concerned, objective reality is god, so my existence within that context is inherently irrefutable evidence that god exists.
If you mean to say god as in an insanely powerful, exceptionally supernaturally capable physical entity I can interact with using at least one form of sensory perception, then this question has at least some kind of meaning. As far as I'm concerned, a lack of irrefutable evidence of such a being existing is irrefutable evidence that they don't. The closest thing to such a being that I can fathom would be me after a few years of intense quantum energy harvesting meditation in isolation.
There's so much that's so fucked up with this world that I absolutely refuse to believe such a being both exists and is perfectly fine allowing the world to proceed the way that it is without making their presence clearly and widely known. If I'm wrong, god come pay me a visit and make your existence known to me, because otherwise, I'm going to fucking destroy your planet because of one extremely fucked up woman.
If I somehow did get paid a visit from the physical manifestation of such an almighty being, I'm certain he wouldn't suggest to me that I should abandon all notions of self-respect and commit suicide for the benefit of the pieces of shit that tried to drive me to it, so I guess I'd have to simply respect that being's wishes and not destroy the world in the future, just exact my extremely brutal retribution on those that deeply wronged me, and then do my thing away from society and only end the life of any being that attempts or intends to attempt to end my life or deeply disturb me in one way or another.
I definitely would.
I suppose a life lived never experiencing suffering from the moment of birth would perhaps not feel worthwhile, since you wouldn't have any low point(s) to compare the higher point(s) and utopian-like perpetual euphoria to in order to really be able to appreciate it for all of its glory. I also suppose that a rather tame experience of suffering, which is what most people in the world (at least in today's day and age) experience, wouldn't facilitate you seeking more out of life, which also might lead to a life that doesn't feel worthwhile.
However, once you've experienced such immense depths of extremely extended length, extremely deep, extremely unrewarding-to-tolerate brutal suffering to the kind of extent that I have, suffering doesn't help you at all and only hurts you, directly attacking your desire to live. It becomes like a disability; like being mentally challenged, except you're existentially challenged.
I fucking hate being existentially challenged. That's why I'm going to absolutely fucking ravage the life of every person that very significantly contributes to me being in that state. Then at least being forced to endure so much deeply harmful pain can feel at least somewhat worth it.
The popular phrase "Mind over matter" is meant to refer to the fact that the reality you're faced with can result in you forming self-limiting beliefs, which will result in your beliefs absolutely forming the reality you're believing in, or you can believe in greater potential for yourself, and that belief can result in actions that allow you to exceed or break out of limitations that you may have thought you had.
You can use sensory perception to perceive matter, but without the fundamental sense of cognition, that would be meaningless. You can use your brain to imagine many things, but without sufficient groundedness to formulate a method to bring those thoughts into reality, it is only fantasy. Excessive confidence in things imagined but not calculated towards materializing becomes delusion.
The reality is that mind and matter are both equally real; the challenge is properly processing that equivalency of weight in everything that one encounters in their cognition. I believe that both materialism and spirituality are equally important if you want to have a truly satisfying and unbreakable frame of reality with which you perceive the world.
I don't, unless I give a shit enough about myself to impose myself upon this shitty world. It appears that the world would be happier if I committed suicide instead of going after what I want. But you know what? Fuck the world. Fuck every single bit of it. I matter because I want to matter and I think I deserve to matter. That's good enough for me. This whole fucking trash world can burn in one huge dumpster fire it's creating for itself if it doesn't like it.
I'll redefine what it means for someone to "burn in hell". Hell, meet Satan. She's already met you long ago. You need to learn some fucking respect, you piece of shit.
Permanent Chief of the Shadow Confederation with a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension.
I suppose it sounds like a string of buzzwords or something to most people, but most people are fucking mentally ill jackass airheads with massive egos that are severely in denial and ignorance towards the truth.
There's no better way for me to describe myself, and for anyone that thinks my explanation of myself is a bunch of pretentious bullshit, well, I wrote a fucking 500 page book about what those words mean, threatened to single-handedly destroy the world while explicitly threatening in graphic detail to kill several specific people, most of which were celebrities, got psychologically evaluated by multiple licensed mental health professionals on court order, and had those individuals shaken at my existence, telling me they were honored to meet me and asking me not to have them cleaned up by the Shadow Confederation by the time I was done with them.
Could you do that? No. Exactly. So shut the fuck up, sit the fuck down, and learn a thing or two, you fucking clown.
People that think I'm a pretentious delusional moron can take that shit they're trying to give me and shove it back up their pretentious delusional moronic ass. If you're one of those people, you should take a look at what psychological projection is.
Psychological projection is a defense mechanism in which the ego defends itself against unconscious impulses or qualities (both positive and negative) by denying their existence in themselves and attributing them to others. A bully may project their own feelings of vulnerability onto the target, or a person who is confused may project feelings of confusion and inadequacy onto other people. Projection incorporates blame shifting and can manifest as shame dumping. Projection has been described as an early phase of introjection.
In psychoanalysis, introjection refers to an unconscious process wherein one takes components of another person's identity, such as feelings, experiences and cognitive functioning, and transfers them inside themselves, making such experiences part of their new psychic structure. These components are obliterated from consciousness (splitting), perceived in someone else (projection), and then experienced and performed (i.e., introjected) by that other person. Cognate concepts are identification, incorporation and internalization. It is considered a self-stabilizing defense mechanism used when there is a lack of full psychological contact between a child and the adults providing that child's psychological needs. Here, it provides the illusion of maintaining relationship but at the expense of a loss of self. To use a simple example, a person who picks up traits from their friends is introjecting. Projection has been described as an early phase of introjection. Introjection is involved in gaslighting.
Splitting (also called black-and-white thinking or all-or-nothing thinking) is the failure in a person's thinking to bring together the dichotomy of both positive and negative qualities of the self and others into a cohesive, realistic whole. It is a common defense mechanism. The individual tends to think in extremes (i.e., an individual's actions and motivations are all good or all bad with no middle ground).
Your irritating psychological defense mechanism attempting to gaslight me doesn't change reality, dipshit. Fuck you too.
Basically, all you're really doing is showing me that your parents didn't raise you right. Not surprising. They're probably dipshits too. Not surprising either.
To have plenty sufficient money to live a comfortable life and then some, while not to any extent sacrificing anything or your ability to obtain anything that money can't buy.
True inner peace, true satisfaction, and true love.
Basically, all the most valuable things in life worth having and keeping. Only deep personal character development can ever hope to achieve acquisition of those things. If you're willing to go through the intense struggle to achieve those, money will follow sooner or later, one way or another.
Well, if Kimi won't be with me, I'll be meditating in isolation, so all the money in the world wouldn't really mean much. I certainly wouldn't call myself rich right now, but I have enough money to go into isolation comfortably and meditate as long as I need to in order to follow through with exacting The Great Retribution, and don't particularly feel like I need to strive for any more. As such, let's assume the crazy situation where Kimi does be with me, so I can give what most people would perhaps consider a more meaningful answer to this question.
Well, besides the essentials of like a nice house and furniture for it and shit...
Definitely get myself a godly PC, laptop, and phone...
I'd pay a small group of people to form the core team behind development of the world's godliest online multi-genre game, building on the code and design concepts I've already fleshed out throughout several years in the unreleased project I developed, working closely with them to make sure I'm happy with the direction of the progress. I'd also put a ton of money into Linux development, so I could facilitate the creation of a godly OS better than Windows and Mac in every way, but completely free and open source.
I'd obviously ask Kimi what she wants, and probably get most if not all of that shit for her...
If I had friends, I guess I'd ask them what shit they want and probably get a bunch of that for them...
Beyond that, I don't really know. Money isn't really a big thing for me. It never has been. I can appreciate the value of having some money, but I don't fantasize about being rich or anything like that. There's not much I want that money can buy. Most of the things I want out of life, money cannot buy, and I either already have them, have a clear plan where money is essentially irrelevant within which I can and probably am already currently working towards actively to eventually obtain them, or I'll probably never obtain them.
I take a step back from life and ask myself a few questions.
I honestly reflect on my attitude and behavior and what I'm doing with myself, and after I make sure my answer to all of the above questions is a resounding very confident "Fuck no, and I'll fucking destroy anyone that wants to seriously challenge me, without mercy", then I feel at peace. Absolute fucking serenity. Feels good, man.
Then I continue being an absolute savage in the highest capacity.
Above all, a sense of deep inner peace. Everything else permeates from that. Achieving goals I set. Maintaining my drive for greatness. Experiencing things I enjoy experiencing. Living my life with no regrets.
Ideally, also finding and keeping deep and true love, but I won't kill myself if I can't achieve that; I'll just extremely deeply resent humanity and become an extremely heartless brutal dictator of the world. Since that's much more in Kimi's hands than mine at this point, you could say Kimi in part gives my life meaning.
Things will DEFINITELY get MUCH worse if humanity focuses on what's going well rather than what's going wrong.
On a grand scale, negative reinforcement is DEFINITELY MUCH more effective for creating change. Patting humanity on the back for its mass ignorance and arrogance will only result in the shitty people with influence retaining and reinforcing that influence, making the world an even shittier place. Which has been what's going on.
The news only hand-picks what it chooses to bring focus to among the things that are going wrong in the world, and when it does, the way it does it, it's often tailored to leave people afraid and too paralyzed, apathetic, or emotionally imbalanced to actually do the right things about it.
I mean come the fuck on, some stupid prick fucking sneezing on someone else in an elevator makes it on TV because of the COVID-19 pandemic, but my fucking huge book that ultimately catalyzed the Shadow Confederation's release of the virus is consciously suppressed by news outlets and powerful figures that ultimately give ultimatums to the news outlets and dictate the constraints they operate within. What a fucking shitty circus this world is.
If people start realizing how shitty they really are, maybe they'll change. Or kill themselves and rid the world of one of its cancers. Both work. You're either a part of the solution or a part of the problem.
If I really want to do something, I FUCKING DO IT!! I know it doesn't necessarily mean I'll achieve what I set out to do, but you can sure as hell bet I'll give it 110%, and if it really matters to me, I'll sacrifice a shitton of time, energy, and other resources in order to do everything in my power to maximize the possibility for success. If I still fail, then I'll deal with that failure and the deeply disturbing resulting state accordingly, and I'll still come out a fucking savage or die trying.
At this point in my life, before completing and posting the final update to my book, it was doing that which was my primary focus. Afterwards, it's waiting a little while to see if Kimi's sober enough to treat me properly so her and ultimately the rest of this world don't get fucking destroyed. After that, either I get a happy life with Kimi, or I end up meditating in isolation and then eventually exacting my extremely brutal retribution. After that, who cares?
I have nothing to lose. Nothing I really care about anyways. I have no fear. Everyone has problems, but my problems aren't worth continuing to live in society with any remotely positive intentions to attempt to solve. There is no solution if I can't have Kimi. The solution becomes accepting there is no solution and I should just embrace becoming the absolute worst monster I can be with the entirety of my mind, heart, and soul.
And I'll fucking do it. No cap. Watch me.
L M F A O. I seriously question my sanity every single day.
I didn't become so terrifyingly grounded to the point that licensed mental health professionals psychologically evaluating me on court order are calling our talks lectures and my book homework as they fear for their lives, without often seriously questioning my sanity. Other people have seriously questioned my sanity since I was a child, right from my own parents ruthlessly and relentlessly trying to gaslight me that I'm insane just about every single day I had to deal with their fuckery.
In the past, I questioned my sanity because I recognized that even if I knew in my heart that I was indeed correct and grounded in certain views, I still felt deeply unsettled that my ability to objectively quantify that in a way that no sane individual could truly refute was severely lacking. These days, I only question my sanity to use it as fuel to feed the extremely deep perpetual hatred that I'll feel extremely justified in possessing and acting upon if I don't get what I deserve even after all my immense efforts to have the kind of relationship with Kimi that I've wanted for so long.
My maturity is both my strongest and weakest quality.
It's strongest because it clearly permeates everything else in my life and is the reason I'm not already dead. It's the weakest sometimes because my often very serious attitude can be seen by others and some people want to manipulate and take advantage of me and my maturity makes me inclined to give them chances when I probably shouldn't.
I tend to try to see the best in people, even when it's not there. It can be quite disheartening at times.
Passive-aggressiveness. Fakeness. Genuinely malicious immaturity. Arrogance. Ignorance. Lack of love in my life. Lack of frequent sexual release.
The last thing I can take care of myself if I have to, but the other stuff is so stupidly fucking abundant in this shitty world that it's far from a surprise to me that I want to absolutely fuck this world up.
Well, the darkest thoughts I've ever had, I've pretty much theatrically showcased in the initial release of this book.
Dark, sure, but I'd say they're actually quite tame compared to the severely fucked up kind of shit that many people in this world have thought (and acted upon even!). Yes, having a very distinct and severe lack of love in my life leaves me deeply disturbed and wanting to deeply devastate those who are the primary contributors to that deep perpetual pain! If you think I'm a bad person or in the wrong for feeling and being this way, then you're not only an extremely pretentious jackass airhead, but you're also severely lacking in empathy and probably a psychopath/sociopath.
I'm a real as fuck motherfucker and you best believe I'm not some clown or pussy, and as such, I haven't had any dark thoughts I've never told anyone. This is simply because if I experience dark thoughts, I know there's a good reason, and I don't revel in some kind of weird glory of having such thoughts, but rather I attempt to tackle the root and rip them out of my head so I can focus on more healthy things.
Whether I'll be able to successfully do so or not given my current extremely brutal life circumstances, however... Well, that's to some extent beyond my control at this point... Will Kimi ever truly recognize and properly act upon the understanding that I put myself through such hell to try to make clear to her and those around her? I have no clue, but I'm about to finally find out!
I push myself to my limits every single day.
Usually, it's primarily mentally, but it can be physically too if it's necessary. You can't be the greatest version of yourself if you aren't driven to push yourself to see that greatness you have the potential for every day, one day at a time. You can't really appreciate life if you aren't striving for greatness. If you're not pushing yourself to your limits often, you're not really pushing yourself much at all. If you're not really pushing yourself, then you're taking your existence for granted by being willing to settle for mediocrity and being a sheep herded by the fucked up control system that the giants in this world have setup for you to get ensnared within.
I actually give a shit about my life, so I'll push hard as fuck unapologetically. Sorry not sorry.
When I was a child, I was extremely stupid, weak, and immature. All very undesirable qualities. Getting older made me a much better and more powerful person.
Granted, it's reached the point where I'm far too good for this shitty world, but that's not my fault or the fault of the qualities I've refined, so I still retain extremely deep appreciation for the growth I've experienced. Moving forward, quantum energy arts will facilitate my aging process being highly atypical, so I'm not worried about growing old and dying. My childhood was also complete shit, so I hated being a kid to begin with.
Getting older? Fuck yeah, bring it on!
When I was very young, what I saw as my ultimate biggest priority was survival. I found great importance in developing a skill I was good at and at least reasonably enjoyed, so I could get a solid job, make decent money, and survive to live a rather mediocre but decent life.
As I grew a little older into my teens and early adult years, the focus shifted into genuinely enjoying and being passionate about what I do, and thriving, truly happy to live every day to what was its fullest for me, rather than simply surviving. After years of very intense and dedicated effort, I reached a point where great success was a clear reality I saw very much within reach for me.
After having to deal with some seriously fucked up circumstances and people where I was suppressed and sabotaged in different ways, but I still came out on top and was just as capable of still being successful, I decided it was necessary to take a step back from seeking professional success and fame and money, and really dig deep into myself for something more meaningful out of life. I came to realize that a genuine and very deep loving connection with a woman I found extremely attractive and precious was something I had to pursue before some great professional success, because otherwise, the professional success wouldn't be at all worth the effort and would actually harm my mental health more than anything else.
Now, after finding that woman but only having my heart broken time and time again in increasingly brutal ways by her and ending up in an even worse set of circumstances than before I met her, because of her and my pursuit of her, I'm quickly coming to the point where I see human connection as simply stupidity and weakness, and desire to be a positive force in the world as something the world doesn't deserve from me; without that relationship with that woman which I so clearly deserve, I'm left only wanting to deeply terrorize and destroy this shitty human race.
Extremely deep and meaningful warmth-filled love.
It's easy to look for simple love in a smile from a stranger or occasionally hanging out with friends, but I don't really give a shit for those kinds of things at this point with how much hurt and suffering I've had to endure in my life and how deeply hated I've felt and been treated by several people I've deeply cared about.
I already have a really useful skill I could make a living off of easily in multiple different ways. I already have a passion and even plenty of work put into it where I could most likely become really professionally successful and rich and famous if I chose to keep going with it. I already have an extremely deep and thorough understanding of philosophy and psychology that has brought me to a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension and the subsequent unbreakable mindset. I've already achieved a considerable amount of notoriety within the cognition of several celebrities with considerable followings and world leaders of various ranks within the Shadow Confederation.
All I need now is an extremely deep unbreakable loving connection with a woman I find extremely attractive and precious unlike any other that I know is completely irreplaceable to me and who I know I'm completely irreplaceable to, where we both share extremely deep warm feelings towards each other. The only person that I could ever have such a relationship with is Kimi. Without that, I'll just have increasingly growing resent and hatred towards humanity, driving me into isolation to meditate using my quantum energy arts knowledge, ultimately resulting in me exacting an extremely brutal retribution on those who have most hurt me, and still ultimately wishing life was so much better than it turned out to be.
You mean other than the fact that I'll probably never get the kind of relationship I want with Kimi and I probably never even had a chance?
Well, probably the main thing that I find concerning is the possibility that Kimi would pretend to love me to set me up so she can kill me or have me killed, or perhaps to ultimately humiliate me and make me want the relationship to end. I'd be lying if I said it doesn't bother me that I'm very obviously worried about the person I love by far more than anyone else I could ever love in this life seriously wanting to kill me or make a joke out of my life (or both), but I wouldn't let even this worry stop me from doing everything I can do that makes sense to me to do in order to pursue my dreams.
At the end of the day, I have a contingency plan anyways... If I'm killed by Kimi or her friends or because of being set up by her somehow, or she sets me up to humiliate the fuck out of me and ultimately destroy the relationship along with directly deeply attack my sense of self-respect, then all of her friends and family will be killed by the Shadow Confederation (or by me at the time of The Great Retribution, after meditation in isolation, if it's not a murdering me type of situation), because nobody does that to a Permanent Chief of the Shadow Confederation and simply gets away with it.
I find it quite unsettling as well the thought that Kimi might seriously think I'd want to kill her or have her killed or set her up to humiliate the fuck out of her and ruin the relationship even if she genuinely loves me and wants to make a relationship with me work. But I suppose she'd probably tell me multiple people she knows would happily kill me if she dies after we start being together and they so much as even remotely suspect I had something to do with it (which I assume would invariably be the case, the same way the Shadow Confederation would blame her if I died after starting to be with her), so she probably could cope with that concern rather well too.
I suppose it's possible these rather troubling concerns only exist because I have so much love for Kimi yet we're so distant because she hasn't been communicating with me with a truly open heart even since the very beginning. She must've been hurt quite badly in her life before she even knew I existed to be the way she is, and that alone I find quite deeply unsettling.
I really wish she'd love herself enough to start taking proper, healthy steps to start making things between us better and let us make each others' lives so much better, but it doesn't seem like she will... I think "deeply unsettling" is actually an understatement to how that makes me feel. I mean, it makes me want to fucking single-handedly destroy the entire world...
I could sit here and try to tell myself that I'm probably being paranoid in having such concerns, but that's not me. I suppose it's deeply unsettling in itself how reasonable I find these concerns to be. It extremely deeply hurts me to be so painfully aware that it really does appear that this world will be nosediving into destruction because Kimi truly is an extremely fucked up piece of shit absolutely irredeemable psychopath that will never love me even though I more than deserve her absolutely undying love and affection for the rest of her life.
That being said, I'd find it an extremely concerning red flag if Kimi were to ever even attempt to suggest that she's open to a relationship with me because she really wants to have a net positive impact in the world. I told her in absolutely no uncertain terms, very early on, that this world is fucked if I go crazy. Despite this, she appears not to have cared in the slightest to do everything in her power to drive me as crazy as she possibly could up to this point. For her to even suggest that she suddenly cares now would come off to me as a completely transparent blatant lie. If she didn't care to act like such a lunatic to act with extremely deep hatred towards me up to this point, she certainly hasn't suddenly changed now; she must've just improved her manipulation abilities such that she's at least a little less retarded in regards to what to say to appear to not be an extremely unapologetic and irredeemable psychopath.
Additionally, who the fuck would ever want to be with someone because they feel morally obligated to be with you? Fuck that. Huge hell no. If Kimi's by far primary (if not sole) reason for wanting to be with me isn't completely obvious sincere desire and attraction towards me of extremely intense strength, there's absolutely no way I'd ever even consider giving her a chance. If I ever so much as get a hint that she's being insincere regarding her feelings towards me, I will have to deeply interrogate her until either I'm satisfied she's being genuine and doesn't secretly plan to murder me or attempt to set me up to become suicidal, or I decide I can't trust her and head into isolation to prepare for an extremely brutal retribution because all hope is lost.
Beyond all that stuff, I suppose it does bother me the thought of some unhinged lunatic with severe mental illness getting their hands on a gun or knife and shooting or stabbing me out of jealousy before I'm sufficiently powerful in quantum energy arts to prevent it, if I do end up getting the kind of relationship with Kimi that I've always wanted. But I mean, most if not all really big celebrities probably worry for their safety and lives every time they step outside (or perhaps even when they're inside as well), so... I'll just figure out how I'd deal with that afterwards if I even get to be with Kimi in the first place. Definitely seems way too preemptive to worry about that at this point, since it's certainly not a concern for me unless embracing becoming extremely famous actually becomes worth it.
Nothing really scares me at this point.
If I had to try to think of something, definitely my humanity more than anything else. Most humans are weak as fuck, the notion of humanity and caring about others has definitely hurt me much more than helped me at this point, and I can only see it hurting me much further if I choose to continue embracing it much further beyond this point. Which is why I won't.
After Kimi probably continues to treat me like shit and passive-aggressively try to hate on me to the point of driving me to suicide (which she'll probably do by either starting to completely ignore the situation, continue to do things to underhandedly torment me with trying to gaslight me into thinking I have a chance if I just keep trying to pursue her, or actively try to say she wishes the best for me somehow which is fake as fuck considering the situation she knows the pursuit of her that she greatly encouraged has left me in now), my heart will grow completely cold to humanity and I'll completely wholeheartedly embrace becoming the worst monster I could ever be.
Becoming a monster certainly doesn't scare me though, because I know the world will definitely deserve it if I end up that way, and I'll have no regrets.
Perhaps the only thing that should scare me is the Secret Service, bikers, mafia, or triads trying to hunt me down and kill me in isolation so I don't start ravaging the world in the future, but even they don't scare me. The ones I met in jail knew to fear me, and I don't doubt they know to watch themselves even on road.
I'd be an absolute fool to so blatantly and fearlessly flaunt and practically theatrically showcase that I have the most powerful possible mindset with a foundation set in being as real as it gets, and then having facts or harsh truths that I consciously choose to ignore, much less ones that it's clear to me that I shouldn't.
Any mindset where someone is a hypocrite is a fundamentally weak mindset, and being a hypocrite is certainly not a quality that an individual with a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension possesses.
Just knowing I tried so hard and got so far, but in the end it didn't even matter. Queue the Linkin Park song. The sadness eventually cycles into anger, and ends up going back and forth between sadness and anger.
Curse this fucking gigantic desire for a genuine extremely deep loving warm connection with a woman I genuinely find extremely attractive and precious unlike any other.
I want it more than anything else, I put so much of myself into pursuing it, and I horribly failed in the end. Feels bad, man.
Well, actually, feels bad is a massive understatement. But there's the anger coming in again.
Well, it would've been reaching the point where I finally get to have a proper healthy relationship with Kimi, who I consider the woman of my dreams and the love of my life, but considering that it's probably delusional to even think there's any chance of that happening, I should probably just give the answer I'd give after Kimi most likely continues not to treat me properly despite the severity of the situation and even with yet another opportunity to start making things better.
I most look forward to the time of The Great Retribution, the time when all the haters and doubters, most of which are Kimi and her friends, family, and supporters of any kind, will face a fate so brutal and dark that I won't be going into it so as not to end up with any further criminal charges than I've already been faced with in the past over this matter.
Many would probably consider my answer pathetic, and I suppose it probably is, but I've had such an extremely shitty life that I have very, very few memories I would even consider "good", much less "great" or anywhere close to something I could call a favorite.
My favorite memory is the time I met Kimi and Jaime at their Toronto meetup years ago.
Jaime was very sweet, friendly, and easy to talk to and get along with, but Kimi was the one that truly stood out to me and gave me feelings nobody else had ever given me or will ever give me. Somehow, it was like we communicated so much to each other with so little words. For the first and only time in my life, I met a woman I wasn't at all afraid to completely be myself around, and the way she treated me felt so special that there was a moment where everything else in the world seemed to fade away and she was all I could see. That was something I'd never felt before and still to this day haven't ever felt again.
It was kind of worrying at the time, but any worry I felt was so overwhelmingly drowned out by the feeling of such deep love that I knew I'd never feel towards anyone else. The memory of that day remains closest to my heart just as I thought it would even as I was experiencing it. Never did I imagine that I'd end up publicly confessing my love for Kimi for the first time within a few hours after the meetup ended, yet I found myself uncontrollably compelled to do so the more I thought about her.
Just thinking about the fact that it was such a special experience for me and yet Kimi probably resents it deeply by now and wishes I never showed up... It hurts a lot.
Most people suck at thinking.
Most people settle for sucking at thinking.
I'm not like most people.
Nothing! I regret nothing!
Of the very few things in my life that I've done that perhaps aren't something to be proud of, I had very good reason for doing them, of which the reasons I was aware of before doing them. So even if they ended badly, I knew before I even did them that even in the worst case scenario, I still wouldn't regret them, because I know I'd have regretted not even trying far more than I could ever regret failing to get what I wanted out of it.
I've also been a deep thinker from a very young age, so I've pretty much always tended not to ever do anything completely impulsively and without thinking, which inherently leaves very little room for regrets as well.
I wouldn't say it's easy to live a life without regrets, but I definitely would say it's worth it. Even if I don't get to be with Kimi.
I consciously intentionally isolate myself from the world because everything else is a distraction when faced with the extremely deep relentless drive for greatness.
At first, when I was still in elementary/high school, it was holing myself up in my room whenever I wasn't at school, and spending countless hours upon hours non-stop every day improving my coding skills to the point where I became capable of coding just about anything given enough time.
Then, after dropping out of university because I learned my existing coding skills at the time already exceeded what you learn with a computer science degree, it was holing myself up in my room to spend countless hours upon hours doing game development and working through not only the coding aspect but the designing aspect of conceptualizing and building the mechanics of the world's most epic multi-genre online game.
Then, after enduring homelessness for the first time, it was holing myself up in my room to spend countless hours upon hours reflecting upon the deepest meaning and desires I have from life and eventually pursuing the only woman I could ever see serious potential to spend my life with.
I've been homeless for a few different periods in my life, and every time, even though I'm technically "outside", I pretty much completely ignore and shut out everyone and everything around me very intentionally, and focus on what my deep inner drive tells me I need to do next in life to pursue the highest extent of my greatness at any given moment.
Loneliness? I don't really feel loneliness, like, ever. I have a deep appreciation for being by myself. It's just not the most ideal way I'd like to spend my entire life.
If I don't matter enough to this world for Kimi and those around her to care, then I'll just continue to tolerate being alone, which I'm fully capable of doing, and I'll take my isolation to the next level and really shut EVERYTHING else out and just do extremely intense quantum energy harvesting meditation in isolation until I'm ready to exact my extremely brutal retribution on all those that drove me to such a cynical and hatred-filled state.
I'm not going to commit suicide, so there's only so many ways I can deal with being insanely smart and powerful and having a severe lack of love in my life. It is what it is, I guess.
Probably releasing the initial version of this book the way that I did. I completely destroyed any serious potential for following a constructive and positive path in life (or at least an even remotely rewarding one actually at all worth pursuing from my perspective) unless Kimi actually properly pursues a healthy relationship with me.
Would I do the same thing if I lived my life over? Yes. That potential was useless to me anyways when considering how empty I'd feel inside with a bunch of fame and money but resenting humanity increasingly deeply every day.
Would I do the same thing again now, after already having achieved the main goal I had set in doing so the first time of bringing the situation to a point where Kimi's finally absolutely forced to make a decision once and for all if she wants to be lovers or enemies? No. That'd just be extremely fucking retarded and unhinged.
I certainly wouldn't use the word "happy" to describe the way I feel about my life and what's missing from it. But as far as me being who I am and doing everything in my power that makes sense to pursue my greatest potential and doing everything I can to attempt to reach a point where I can say I'm happy with my life, then yeah, I'm happy with myself.
I did the very best that I could with the hand that I was dealt in life. I know how hard I busted my ass to get to where I'm at now, and how great the adversity I've overcome is, and that's certainly something that makes me feel some extent of happiness when I think about the fact that instead of being a career criminal, a drug addict, dead, or a combination of those things, I'm the ruler of the world.
Pretty much all the advice I've ever received in my life was absolute T R A S H. People thought they knew me, thought they understood my problems, thought they're remotely qualified to give me advice, thought I was asking even when I very much wasn't, and gave their shitty opinions left and right. I had to find my own ways to search for all the good (or even half-decent) answers myself in the right places.
But what I consider to definitely be one of the best pieces of advice I've seen out there? To never take advice from anyone who has not acquired the life that you want.
At this point, after how many times and how severely I've been fucked over? Finding the ability to retain enough humanity to be willing to give one final chance to Kimi even despite the fact that I'll most likely only get hurt once again even harder.
Believe me, this is THE LAST FUCKING TIME. And even then, I absolutely refuse to say a word to Kimi unless she speaks to me directly first, making it absolutely irrefutably clear to me that she wants me to communicate with her. And when I say speaks to me directly, I mean sincerely begs me with everything she's got to forgive her and be with her so she has a chance to treat me better and make things right between us instead of driving me into isolation and having The Great Retribution brought upon her and everyone associated with her (and ultimately the whole world).
I'm not going to subject myself to going in and out of jail constantly until I feel so suicidal I kill myself, for the fucking amusement of Kimi and her friends and anyone else that supports her and wants me to commit suicide for her and their benefit.
Beyond that, I don't really see anything as a challenge in life anymore. It's pretty straightforward. I either get the lifelong amazing relationship with Kimi that I deserve, or I end up exacting the extremely brutal retribution I deserve to exact upon her and everyone else that I feel like doing so to.
Or I get set up by Kimi and murdered and her and her friends and family get murdered by the Shadow Confederation after as a result. But I'm not too worried about that.
Yeah, I'd say I'm free. Freer than a bird.
It kinda sucks that I can't just disappear into the forest without having to worry about forest wardens, and even the mountains aren't necessarily unpatrolled. But I'm still overall very much capable of meditating in isolation to be able to exact my extremely brutal retribution in the future.
If I wanted to stay in society and continue game development and eventually pop off (or just use my Twitch spammer with upgrades to cause a huge drama shitstorm across the Twitch platform and become extremely notorious for that) and with that fame bring attention to my book and in doing so end Kimi's career and make all her friends look like shit, I could very well do that too. But I don't want to do that. I'd rather let Kimi bust her perfectly voluptuous ass to get even more famous before I take it all away from her that much more brutally at the time of The Great Retribution.
The world's my oyster as far as I'm concerned. Living in a first world country feels good, man.
Only not doing my absolute best to reach my highest potential for greatness.
Anything else I'd like to have or do in my life, I can't really regret if I fail to obtain or experience, because you can't regret not obtaining, achieving, or experiencing something that was never in your capacity to in the first place. That's why doing everything in my power to realize the extent of my capacity is so important.
I can't stand the feeling that a lack of initiative on my part for something could result in deep regret in the future, and I'm always asking myself what my true priorities are and should be and if what I'm doing in the present moment could result in regret in the future.
Fear exists as a natural biological response to danger, a survival mechanism to prevent yourself from experiencing pain. But to blindly try to prevent pain is stupid; it's only really useful for preventing severe injury or death.
If I feel fear being triggered as simply a defense mechanism from pain that isn't severely physically injuring or life-threatening, I tell myself to stop being a pussy ass bitch and fucking deal with myself.
Personal prisons built from fear? What the fuck do I look like to you, a fucking "normal" (mediocre) human being?! Nope! Guess again!
I mean, I've seriously considered suicide a couple times in my life. Those were dark days.
Once, I felt like I should just give up on everything because a piece of code I was working on just wouldn't work right no matter how hard I tried, and I couldn't for the life of me figure out what I was doing wrong. I looked over the code what felt like a million times, picking apart every single logical operation I was doing, and attempting to emulate the effects in my head alongside debugging activity and stack traces in the IDE I was using. I thought it was a sign from the universe that I should just put myself out of my misery. I eventually figured it out not very long after.
It sounds dumb, I know. It's probably hard to understand for most people. But when you do coding all day every day, and you've been at it for years and always managed to identify and solve problems rather quickly, really comprehensive efforts failing starts to really fuck with your head. I'm not sure what exactly happened there, but I guess I was just really stressed out that day or something. Needless to say, after that experience, I learned to just chill out a bit and take a little break from coding if I ever started feeling existentially challenged from my own lack of attention or logical expression evaluation ability. I've never been anywhere near as stuck with any code in my life ever since experiencing that event either.
Another time, I had ended up homeless because of my parents' abuse and lack of love for me and how my father threatened to kill me after he was done using me for revenge against my mother in a court case so I decided it was better to hit the streets than stick around where I was clearly not wanted. I was feeling really down and like I must've just never been meant to have an even remotely pleasant or rewarding life, and being homeless for the first time was presenting its own set of challenges on top that made things worse. I had multiple quite unpleasant and sometimes quite frightening experiences.
I ended up doing a bunch of drugs, a bunch of introspection, and telling myself to stop being such a pathetic loser and allow myself to become the savage that I deserve to be. I got a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension not too long after.
These days, my world isn't falling apart; it's coming together. One decisive step at a time.
Nope! Nothing that stands out at least.
There are some things I wouldn't repeat, sure, but that's different. Everything I could be seriously ashamed of, I had very good reason for doing, and I carefully evaluated those reasons before doing it. I knew before I did it that I'd severely regret if I didn't do it.
It's hard to feel ashamed of something when you know you were doing it with the best intentions in your mind, heart, and soul, and with the goal to be the best version of yourself you can be, that no sane individual should fault you for having.
When I finally got my own computer so I no longer had to regularly hop on and off like I did when sharing the family PC.
It empowered me to finally start going more ham learning coding, which was really important to me as I was already very conscious, even from a very early age, of a need for developing a skill to sustain myself with income so I wouldn't end up forced into homelessness (I felt a very distinct lack of love from my parents from a very young age, and figured I'd probably end up having to leave shortly after turning 18 if I didn't end up thrown away and put up for adoption before then like my mother regularly threatened to do to me) or struggling with an unsatisfying minimum wage job.
Yeah, my happiest childhood memory revolves around a sense of feeling a little less perpetually existentially challenged by the abuse of my parents and the stress of dealing with their constant fighting with me, my brother, and each other and their eventual divorce. Needless to say, I didn't have a happy childhood.
Most people wish they could be a kid again. I couldn't be more relieved to finally be an adult that actually knows what the fuck they're doing with themselves in the world. Being a child is shit. You're stupid and weak as fuck.
Depends who it is and what they might be doing or attempting to do to actively suppress my success.
If it's just some jackass that simply thinks and hopes I'll fail because it'd make them feel more secure in their own success and/or facilitate them stroking their ego out of jealousy or something, I simply continue to work hard on whatever endeavor I'm pursuing and prove them wrong.
If they're taking steps to more actively suppress me, then I more actively fucking fight back. Queue the NEFFEX song.
Peer pressure? Me?
Maybe in elementary school, I felt some pressure to be "cool" and fit in, instead of isolating myself and walking around the corners of the field or curling up in a ball in my jacket and playing Game Boy Advance SP in secret because it was banned from school. But I never caved to that pressure. Fuck being "cool". I was having fun and chilling just being me, and that already meant more to me than validation from a bunch of stupid children.
In high school, I was the most popular kid in the school and had random people approach me in the hallways, ask if I am who I am, and give me high fives and thank me for the WiFi password and admin password for school computers (I hacked both), and ask if I wanted to be friends. I guess I felt a little pressure to be friends, but I stuck to the few friend groups I genuinely enjoyed being a part of and didn't spread myself out too thin.
These days, I suppose the only "peer pressure" I could feel is the pressure to commit suicide from all the people I wish I could call friends or peers but in reality I should probably already see as serious enemies.
Wait, I consider people that want me to kill myself my peers? Big yikes. It sounds even worse when I say it so bluntly like that. No wonder I want to start meditating in isolation already and absolutely ravage all of their lives in the future.
Hmm. Well, I don't think the order matters or even necessarily has an ideal, but it'd definitely have to contain a few things.
Yep, that would probably be a perfect day.
I don't care how pretentious that sounds. I always try to outdo myself. I always look for strength and drive from inside myself. I use my own standards to set the bar for everything I do. It's worked pretty well so far, I'd say. Definitely far better than I would've been off using anyone else as my primary inspiration or role model, that's for sure.
I guess that's what happens when you live such an extremely brutal life where you're perpetually deeply existentially challenged for multiple reasons from a very young age and absolutely require extreme drive for greatness active all the time to prevent yourself from wanting to fucking blow your brains out.
Free time? What's that? My time is never free; every moment is extremely precious and valuable and there's always like 20 different things I could be doing with it. I've been busting my ass non-stop pretty much ever since I decided to drop out from university before I was even 19 years old, to pursue a path in life I found much more satisfying and rewarding than the "typical" path society tries to force you to follow. For the most part, I don't take breaks unless I feel so exhausted I feel like I just need to sleep a whole day away to rest up to continue going ham as fuck, and even that doesn't happen very often.
If the question is interpreted as to mean what I do when I'm not tied up with responsibilities or a job... Well, I don't have a job, and I've only ever worked a job a few months in my life, then quit and never even considered tolerating doing so ever again; I felt like blowing my brains out every single day slaving away like that. And that was a decently well-paying programming job where I was a project lead, not some shitty minimum wage thing. I don't really have responsibilities either, since I don't have kids and never want to get any, I don't have a mortgage or loans to pay, and I have no friends or anyone that really relies on me for anything. So I guess you could say all my time is free time. Which then makes this question ask what I spend most of my time in my life doing.
Well, for most of the earlier years of my life, my answer would've been either coding or playing games. Probably moreso coding. For a good few years right after graduating high school, it was game development. In the last several years, it's been deep reflection and introspection in regards to life and the study of philopsychology, and later on after I met Kimi, trying to make my relationship with Kimi work. Since being released from jail, it's been working on what is probably the final update to this book. After Kimi probably does what amounts to laughing in my face for being so stupid as to still have even the slightest speck of hope that she's not a massive piece of shit psychopath, it's going to be quantum energy harvesting meditation in isolation until I'm ready to exact The Great Retribution. Then, it will be enjoying the fruits of my labor as intended.
Oh, did you just want to know what I spend most of my time doing right now? Sorry, I've actually already planned for eternity, not just now. I'm not shortsighted.
Definitely an ambivert.
I'd say anyone that wouldn't say they're an ambivert is probably instantly eliminated as a potential candidate for currently possessing a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension.
It's worth noting, however, that what one's personality finds ideal and what the person actually ends up finding most appropriate to experience given their life circumstances don't necessarily match. In my case, I'm so insanely intelligent and powerful to the point that others get quite frightened of me and I also don't have desire or tolerance for bullshit and fakeness, so since most people are jackass airheads and fake as fuck, I tend not to have many if any friends.
Although I don't mind being alone if I really have to be, I'd really prefer to have positive connections and have reason to have love in my heart for people instead of being left with nothing but the deepest of hatred and resent and unwavering relentless desire for extremely brutal retribution. But that's not up to me. You can't force people to love you, only deal with the reality if they don't.
Neither; I hate them both.
They're both mentally ill abusive psychopaths I never want to speak to ever again. I've already deeply analyzed the various ways in which their terrible behavior towards me fucked with me, and I pretty much never think about them unless the topic is brought up in discussion or relevant to some rhetoric I'm dealing with.
Well, it wasn't one they were trying to teach me, that's for sure. It wasn't exactly something that I learned exclusively from my (unfortunately practically exclusively negative) experiences with them. Don't let what any massive piece of shit tells you or does to you effect your own self-worth and self-respect.
If someone has blatant disregard for showing you respect, they don't deserve your respect either, and you should cut them out of your life (or worse). Pretty strong contrast with what I actually learned versus what they were trying to teach me (that I'm a useless piece of shit that will never amount to anything even significant much less great and I should beg and struggle for their acceptance and love that I'd never really get and that I'll always need them somehow so they can keep inflicting their severely toxic and abusive treatment on me which I should believe is actually very healthy and I completely deserve it because I'm so useless and pathetic and stupid), so it doesn't really surprise me that I have deep relentless hatred for the bastard and bitch that both had children for all the wrong reasons.
One thing? You think it's only ONE THING?! There are probably so many things people regularly misunderstand about me that I don't even know half of them!
At least it certainly feels that way to me.
Ah, yes. I'm still single because I've been pursuing Kimi for several years now, instead of installing Tinder and using it to get a girlfriend probably within a week, or going to bars or clubs and looking for random sluts to fuck around with, or looking around various online communities for random women to attract.
Because I'm an exceptional individual with exceptionally high standards, and Kimi is the only person I know of that's ever actually come anywhere close to those standards.
I think being single is perfectly fine, and in fact preferable to being in a mediocre, toxic, or at all unsatisfying relationship. I'd infinitely rather masturbate, bang hookers, meditate in isolation, and exact my extremely brutal retribution and enjoy the fruits of my labor for eternity afterwards, than be trapped with a woman whose constant extremely deep presence in my life doesn't absolutely fill me with joy.
Maturity, humanity, and integrity.
I'd say anyone that wouldn't say they have a very high degree of all of those things is probably instantly eliminated as a potential candidate for currently possessing a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension.
If you need it, I think there's something wrong with you.
Yes, that means I think there's something wrong with just about everyone in the world. But I'd assume it's quite obvious there actually is if you actually think about it, and that's even just regarding other less cynical sounding reasons.
Desire for love and affection should be a want, not a need. As for why it's something you should want, well, if you're smart and powerful enough not to need it, then a lack of wanting it as well will simply result in you growing extremely deep hatred and resent for humanity over time, which will likely end up in you harming many people if not ultimately significantly contributing to -- if not single-handedly -- destroying the world.
Such a thing would be a symptom of an active ego, which I don't possess. If there's a trait I can see in others that I wish I had (or had to a greater capacity), I'd fucking work on myself and make it happen, not tolerate envying it in others while being too apathetic towards life to do something proper about it.
Well, I have non-romantic love for a few people that had a considerable positive impact in my life, like NF and AK with their music. But there's nothing I've really done about it other than tell them I think they're cool and share my book with them and hope they were inspired to be more great as a result, which it seems to me at least NF has been.
Beyond that, the person I love the most in this world is Kimi, a love very much containing romantic feelings, and what have I been doing about that?
Well, as far as straight dialogue goes, she pretty much flat-out hard rejected me really early on, which I could have instantly gotten super depressed about and resigned myself to feeling extremely deep hatred and resent towards humanity for all the fuckery I'd already had to deal with before even knowing she exists and deciding it was super stupid of me to ever think she'd ever feel something special for me, silently retreating from society and meditating in isolation to become a heartless dictator of the world that only got real enjoyment from torturing people and causing chaos and destruction, but I instead decided to give loving Kimi my best shot and see what kind of person she really was and how she'd react. Maybe it was how she rejected me but never really gave a reason and was still very strangely all too receptive to my rhetoric and continued communication with her that even very early on clearly pushed a boundary well beyond being a random viewer or simply a friend.
It's been a really strange experience ever since, and despite immense difficulty, I've kept going, because she always managed to do just enough to leave me feeling like she had increasingly deep feelings for me and she secretly deeply appreciated my efforts. Even now, just about anyone would tell me to just give up already and stop being so delusional, but I'm still at a point where in my heart, I know I have to try a little harder before deciding it's truly futile and I should give up and become the most heartless monster this world will ever see or know. That's why I've made this considerable update to this book.
I'll know soon enough if all my efforts throughout these years has been worth it or if I really was being extremely delusional in thinking I had any potential at a fate that wasn't extremely dark and filled with extremely deep hatred and destruction. So the short answer is... I'm doing absolutely everything within my power that makes any real sense to do.
What incentive do I really have to want to please ANYONE else? Further torture and underhanded pressure to commit suicide for others' benefit? Do I look like the fucking second coming of Jesus to you or some shit? Wrong! Guess again, dipshit.
I'll give you a hint. I'M SATAN, AND YOU'RE A CORPSE THAT DOESN'T KNOW THEY'RE DEAD YET.
I don't think you should spend your life trying to please others, as long as deep in your heart, you're a good-natured person with good intentions. By pleasing yourself, you can be the best version of yourself for others too.
Even the best of people can be driven to be the worst if they're pushed hard enough by shitty enough people, and having the self-respect to not let yourself get lost in the judgements of others and act incongruent with who you really are is a frame of reality no sane individual can fault you for having.
Retribution is a dish best served refined to perfection.
Friends? What are those? I don't need that shit.
All I need is myself, and you damn well bet I trust myself hella hard with my life. Wouldn't trust anyone else more. Most people would probably murder me if the price was right; no friends means no worries about being backstabbed.
Human connection is weakness, as they say in the Shadow Confederation.
Nope! Sex is too good.
But practically speaking, I'd just say I won't tolerate being forced to pick. If my lover isn't also my best friend, I don't want that relationship.
If I'm not best friends with someone I'm very intimate with, how are they any different from an expensive hooker that I'm just consistently picking over the other hookers out there? I'm not going to be with someone if I feel like they're just a whore I'm picking over other whores that don't feel like banging me for as cheap as she is or whatever.
Did I mention I have high standards? Well, I'm saying it again. I have high standards.
And friendship in general? Well, I have no active ego, so I don't need validation from any friend(s), and if I don't have meaningful love in my life, I'm all too content isolating myself completely and becoming a heartless ruler of the world, because I don't really ever feel loneliness. So friendship isn't some amazing thing for me anyways without a partner that's already also my best friend.
Lost as in they died or lost as in one or both of us cut the other out or naturally drifted apart?
Never had someone I'd really call close die on me, but cutting people out and drifting apart definitely happened.
I don't really give a shit about any of those people anymore though.
I consider Kimi extremely close to me, though, and losing her in any sense... If I ever even "had" her... I'm not going to be okay at all. I know that for sure.
I mean... First sight? I think you can fall in love with someone rather quickly, but if you just look at someone and think they're really hot and suddenly you're "in love" with them... I don't think you know what love is. That's just lust.
At first sight, you don't know jack shit about the person; how the fuck can you already love them? Even if you know a bit about them, that's still not love. Love has depth. Just looking at appearances and even possibly other shallow knowledge about that person cannot be love. You have to actually have some idea of their character at least.
Like, when I first found Kimi's stream, I didn't instantly fall in love with her; I just thought she looked gorgeous and appeared to have a vibrant personality. When I first started talking in her chat and became a part of her community, even then, I didn't fall in love with her; I was just having fun and enjoying watching a really pretty girl play games and talk about random stuff.
Only after talking in every stream she did for nearly a month, during which I asked her some important questions to try to get to know her, and also observed her behavior and responses to questions other people asked her, and then ultimately ended up meeting her in person and having both of us leave quite a fiery first impression on each other, did I end up falling in love with her.
Okay, to be honest, it was more like I plummeted. But you get the point.
I mean, I went to that meetup intentionally really scuffed... Hair a mess, teeth not brushed, shitty homeless clothing... I acted super loud and ecstatic and obnoxious on purpose... I wanted to look like I didn't give the slightest flying fuck if Kimi found me at all appealing or attractive, and even figured I might as well sabotage my chances so at least I couldn't somehow get humiliated hard as fuck for looking like I care. I thought she'd definitely not give me any significant amount of attention, or only to try to humiliate me, so it'd just be best if I appeared not to want it either, since I felt quite certain I never had a real chance at the kind of extremely deep and meaningful lifelong connection I already deeply desired with her anyways.
I was definitely not expecting her to come right up to me and hug me right away how she did, seem jealous the whole time that I was giving Jaime a bunch of attention and not her, and ultimately wait to see where I'd sit when we went to eat and sit right in front of me immediately after... And even though I was pretty brutal to her, basically in a very polite way calling her a selfish bitch, she didn't demand I leave, and by the end of the meetup, she hugged me again and told me she'd never forget me...
Ironically, I ended up trying even much harder than simply brushing my teeth, cleaning my hair up, or wearing decent clothes, and have now gotten fucked over in a much more severe way.
Now, hatred at first sight? Oh man, that's every person I ever see. No cap.
In order to truly be loved by someone, you have to love both yourself and that person enough to allow the person to love you. In order to truly love someone else, you must first have an accurate understanding of what love even is, as well as truly love yourself. So anyone that picks a side doesn't really understand what love is.
Most people think love is wanting to see someone happy even if it comes at the detriment of yourself, so it's no surprise that most people would probably pick a side and attempt to rationalize why their decision is a good one. This is one of many prime examples of how binary thinking can be and is severely detrimental on a wide scale in today's society.
So much massive fuckery happens under the guise of "love", which in reality is simply a mentally ill individual's severely warped perception of hatred. Romanticizing martyring yourself can only be interpreted by any truly sane individual as a manifestation of self-hatred rooted in active ego, and the ultimate result, regardless of the individual's wishes, will be hatred of the person or thing supposedly "loved". This is why most relationships don't work.
Real love isn't some Romeo and Juliet bullshit. Real love is an unbreakable bond between two people. If you're romanticizing martyring yourself, then you're forming a foundation for a relationship that's headed towards breaking. You're working against reality to make the relationship work, as opposed to working with it. Someone that really understands love and really loves you wouldn't expect you to do such a stupid thing.
Speaking of which, that's another really fucked up common misconception. People think loving someone means you're willing to do stupid shit in the name of love. Being careful and acting with calculated intent in a relationship doesn't necessarily mean you're fake or a thrill-seeking psychopath/sociopath without real regard for the other person's well-being; it just means you're not a fucking retard. Someone that really loves you isn't going to try to convince or manipulate you into believing you have to act stupid to convince them you love them, and they'd expect the same kind of respect from you towards them. Any relationship where even one (and certainly if both) of the individuals involved are being convinced somehow into acting stupid in the name of love is going to invariably be a fundamentally toxic relationship destined for failure.
Do you see me saying Kimi should find it romantic to sacrifice her career so I can be successful? Fuck no! Because I actually understand love and I actually love her. Even if she wanted to sacrifice her career for me, I'd tell her not to. If Kimi ultimately rejects me, decides to retreat from her career, and I get a ton of attention, I'm still abandoning everything, no matter how much attention I may get, and going into isolation to prepare for exacting my extremely brutal retribution. I don't give a flying fuck about fame without having Kimi. I haven't been trying to bring her down to get ahead. That's not romantic, that's being a fucking piece of shit.
Now, the fact that her sanity will invariably be extremely negatively effected if she doesn't absolutely completely irrefutably clearly throw herself at me in the very near future before I truly completely give up all hope on anything ever resembling a healthy relationship with her and therefore ultimately all of humanity is a separate issue, and one that isn't a romantic thing, but rather a reality thing which I will have absolutely zero sympathy towards her or anyone else for. I warned her about it early on and constantly reiterated that I don't want her making stupid choices, so I haven't ever been expecting her to be stupid in continuing to give me attention and leave me under the impression she was greatly enjoying the attention I was giving her. Anyone that isn't actively encouraging her to throw herself at me is effectively supporting her extremely destructive choice to not do so, and is enabling her to catalyze the destruction of all of their lives and many others. They will get what they're asking for.
Kimi knows what kinds of really positive effects being with her would have in my life, and pushing me to keep trying to show her I want it, even being willing to do theatrical shit sometimes to really solidify my desire towards her with calculated intent, isn't really expecting me to be stupid in the name of love for her either. She knows this, and she knows I know this. I very explicitly told her very early on that she's extremely precious to me and I'm an extremely powerful person to the point that this world is fucked if I start going crazy falling massively in love with her yet not getting to be with her forever. Obviously, someone claiming to have that much power and simultaneously boldly proclaiming they have an extremely strong mindset is a person that is calculating every move they make when pursuing her.
The foundation of our connection isn't toxic; the outcome is just negative because Kimi is being extremely stupid and suicidal against my wishes, probably because she sees it as "easier" than doing what's right and will definitely lead to a much better life for her and everyone else in the long-term. Shortsightedness kills.
A healthy relationship must have deep understanding, compassion, forgiveness, ability to communicate clearly and effectively in a productive manner, sexual attraction (physical chemistry?), lifestyle compatibility, emotional compatibility, at least some degree of intellectual compatibility...
There are actually quite a few things that must be not only present but very strong, and they have to stay strong even as time passes, ideally only becoming even stronger. Just like a healthy mindset has to be fortified and grounded to the point of being unbreakable, a healthy relationship must be nourished and managed to the point of being unbreakable to be truly healthy and lasting.
Hmm. Well, I have such insanely high standards that I've never been in a relationship even though I've had multiple opportunities with multiple women that have quite clearly shown me attraction in different ways. After finding someone that actually comes reasonably close to what I'm looking for, I can't really say anything is a "deal breaker" with such a person. As long as she's willing to genuinely keep trying her best to make the relationship work, I'd also do the same.
Unless she's truly an absolutely irredeemable psychopath piece of shit that has no real awareness or willingness to truly accept and properly act upon reasonable boundaries. In that case, into isolation I go...
Nope! Both! You can't make me pick one! I'd rather be single forever!
A girl has to look gorgeous even without makeup and she also has to have considerable mental fortitude for me to consider a relationship with her even remotely viable. That doesn't necessarily mean she has to have a super high IQ and know a bunch of random shit... But she has to have a high degree of emotional awareness and at the least a considerable willingness to learn and grow as a mature individual and want greatness out of life.
If by "brains" you mean being exceptionally intelligent in for example math or science... Then definitely looks. I'm not staring at and playing with a woman's calculus ability or her physics formulas when we're having sex... Or any other time, for that matter. Hello?
I mean... It depends.
If the cheating is a clear indication that she's trying to destroy the relationship or set a fucked up foundation for it where it makes far too much sense for me to believe she plans to ultimately destroy it in the future, then it's a serious problem. If she thinks it's acceptable, maybe she's even crazy enough to think it's preferable behavior, and that's not okay with me. Such a person would have to be extremely fucked up and sadistic to the point where I can't imagine them ever having a truly healthy romantic relationship with anyone...
If it was somehow a really stupid accident and she's deeply remorseful and it doesn't continue to happen, then I wouldn't be able to find it in my heart to hate her for it and abandon the relationship over it. Given my really high standards and the fact that Kimi's the only person in the world I'd ever be with, she's definitely precious enough to me that I couldn't leave her unless she's really fucked up and sadistic to the point of expecting me to tolerate or perhaps even enjoy being cheated on regularly... In that case, into isolation I go...
Depends, I guess. I don't really see why we'd have to share our passwords with each other. I suppose it might end up happening after being together long enough? It'd probably have to be quite some time...
It isn't really something that bothers me, nor would I imagine it bothering someone I'd be with either. I'd never pressure my partner to share her passwords for anything with me, and I'd expect the same courtesy and respect from her.
When they know themselves very well and know the person they intend to marry very well.
The exact way that can happen can vary considerably, I'd say. The most important point here is considering the difference between someone thinking they know themselves and/or the other person very well, and that actually being the case.
For me personally, I'd imagine at the very least:
I would proceed to not give the slightest of fucks.
I know I have extremely high standards and heavily evaluate the character of any person I'd even consider dating, and I'm certain my ability to objectively evaluate someone's character is greatly superior to that of my parents'.
At the end of the day, it's ME that's choosing to commit to spending my life with someone if I marry them, not my parents. So it's MY decision to make, not theirs.
Besides, my parents are extremely fucked up psychopaths, so they'd probably inherently hate on ANY person I like, purely because if I find someone, then I'm much more likely to be much happier and feel fulfilled in life, and they never wanted that for me. I cut them out of my life and don't even talk to them, so I don't know what they'd think, nor do I want to know.
I certainly think it's possible for some people, but I definitely don't think it could ever be possible for me personally.
I've had best friends that were female, but I was the one that ultimately chose never to date them even though they usually showed interest in it on multiple occasions in different ways. Ultimately, we ended up drifting apart. Since I've never been in a relationship, I can't say I've ever stayed friends with an ex which I've never had.
I imagine I wouldn't, though. If I like a woman so greatly to the point that I do end up dating her, then I see that relationship extremely seriously and definitely intend on marrying her and spending my life with her. If it doesn't work, then she must've acted really fucked up to completely stop trying and make it end, and I'm sure I'd deeply resent her for doing so, so we'd probably end up the worst of enemies.
I've never even actually dated Kimi, I don't know if you could ever even really call us friends, and this is still the kind of situation I have with her. And she actually constantly pushed and encouraged for things to end up this way. What the fuck. Our connection is really fucking weird. Oh well.
Well, I've had plenty of female friends that were just friends and not "best friends", and I genuinely didn't want to date them or even sleep with them in general.
In the past, any woman I could consider a "best friend", I found considerably physically attractive and I had at least some considerable desire to sleep with her, even if I ended up never doing so because I have very high standards and never saw her as wife material and therefore never pursued a romantic relationship with her.
These days, I feel like if it reaches the point where I'm "best friends" with a woman, either she's my girlfriend/future wife, or she's best friends with my girlfriend/future wife and would be considered one of my "best friends" after my girlfriend/future wife. If she's my girl, then obviously we're sleeping together often. If she's not, then obviously we're not sleeping together ever (I would reject her even if she came onto me).
I have no problems with any of this.
Huh... I don't know...?
I'm not the type that leads people on, and I've never been explicitly confessed to, so I've never had to explicitly reject someone I knew for certain wanted to be with me. I've never been in a relationship, so I've never broken up with a woman either.
Perhaps some of the women that expressed desire to be with me in different ways may have felt heartbroken that I never ended up asking them out, but I don't know at what point(s) they may have felt heartbroken, since it's not like any of them have hit me up to tell me so (and I'm glad about that).
I can say for certain that I've never done it intentionally to be cruel (some kind of sadistic shit) nor out of any extent of enjoying denial or humiliation (some kind of masochistic shit). If I've ever broken someone's heart, it's because she must've wanted to be with me a lot more than she ever made very clear, and I never saw her as wife material anyways so I never cared enough to want to take the initiative to ask her out first and see where it goes.
If I find someone I love so deeply and find so extremely attractive and precious that I actually seriously want to be with them, then I don't see why I wouldn't move for such an amazing person if she wanted me to. I have nothing specifically tying me down to any one location in this world, so I'd never let my partner's preference of location get in the way of our love.
Okay, maybe I wouldn't move if she wanted me to move to a third world country or one run by a dictatorship... But any first world country is probably acceptable.
If I have some kind of romantic connection with a woman to the point where she's so precious and attractive to me that I actually pursue dating her to the point we end up together at all, either we end up together in an extremely deep loving connection filled with warmth and it lasts forever, or it doesn't work out and we become the worst of enemies and things end extremely badly for this world.
At this point, as far as I'm concerned, Kimi tried to drive me to suicide purely for her own extremely selfish, short-sighted benefit. And failed. Miserably. I've never even once seriously considered committing suicide over anything she's put me through, nor will I ever. But that's purely through the sheer strength of my mindset and character, and against all odds of what her and her friends, family, and supporters' actions and the likely intentions behind them were.
I have plenty of reason to extremely deeply hate her and unconditionally want to do everything in my power to ruin her relationships with everyone she knows, ultimately ruin her life, and try to drive her to suicide, like she tried to do to me. And not only would I have plenty of reason to believe she completely deserves it and feel absolutely no sympathy for her even if she ultimately did as a result of the actions I could take to fuck her up royally, I very well think I could probably even ultimately succeed at destroying her like that, if I really wanted to.
I think she's had some awareness to this fact even before I came out of jail and made this update to my book, and I'd imagine that awareness would only become considerably amplified now that I have.
Despite what most would probably do in my position... Because I sincerely love her extremely deeply and have pursued her truly trying to see the absolute best in her and dreaming that she does secretly love me extremely deeply and she isn't some completely irredeemable monster psychopath, seeing that there is still some possibility she could actually be the most amazing and precious person I could ever have the blessing of spending eternity with, I definitely want this badly enough that I'd give her a final chance to permanently drastically change the way she's treating me.
I've very clearly warned several of her friends, her manager, her roommate, and Twitch staff via e-mail of the extreme severity of the situation and the very limited but also very reasonable period of time I'm willing to give her to start making this drastic change and directly reach out to me via e-mail begging for forgiveness and telling me she extremely deeply loves me and wants to spend her life with me. I have very clear evidence of this, and if she ever attempts to slander me and assert (or even so much as imply) that I'm a piece of shit and switched sides after acquiring some quite shocking information about her, I will not hesitate to absolutely destroy her in public.
Consider this my very much public warning, on top of the one I've given to her people in private.
A very considerable part of the reason why I feel right and confident in giving Kimi this final chance is I know how insanely significant this kindness would be to her and everyone else in her life, and how extremely painfully clearly they'd all be forced to see that this kindness isn't to even the slightest degree any kind of indication of weakness, but rather greater strength than probably anyone else any of them will ever meet in their lifetimes. Essentially choosing to save Kimi's life, despite what she and everyone associated with her has put me through, means they have to accept that they were all severely wrong in their extremely inaccurate judgements of me. This should also change how they feel about me as well, to a much more favorable perspective.
I mean, if I'd have no hesitation to give Kimi a second chance under the right circumstances even if she fucking cheated on me, she'd have to be EXTREMELY fucked up somehow for me to not be willing to give her a second chance after some other kind of fuck up she might do. I will soon learn if she is indeed that fucked up or not.
While I have to be able to see my partner as my best friend, a friendship is very clearly not all I want from that person! Without frequent intimacy, I can't see any relationship I'd ever have to be even remotely successful, no matter who it's with; I've known this with absolute conviction before ever even knowing Kimi exists. I have a huge sex drive, after all, and if I'm just left by myself touching myself often because my partner doesn't want to engage in intimacy with me, I'm going to end up resentful and unhappy with her, and she's probably going to end up jealous of whoever I'm touching myself to whenever it's not her. One way or another, that would lead to the relationship becoming gradually increasingly toxic and eventually ending. Very badly.
I don't think me and Kimi could ever work if we're not having hours of sexual intimacy with each other every single day. And I wouldn't rather have it any other way. I'm definitely not a shallow person, but I also definitely never would've put such immense effort into pursuing her if I didn't have this as a major incentive.
I took a love languages test multiple times throughout a period of a few years, and every time my results have been the same. I'm equally balanced on physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, and acts of service, with receiving gifts being less significant than all the rest.
Sounds perfectly accurate to me.
I have very high standards. Giving gifts can have thought behind it, but it's ultimately super materialistic. All the other love languages, however, I see as all extremely and equally important to have a lot of in a healthy relationship. Considering that I don't want a relationship if it's not an exceptionally fulfilling and healthy one, the woman of my dreams I'd say would have to have the same result as I do.
Last I've known, Kimi does indeed have exactly the same result upon taking the same test I'm talking about. I'm not certain if she gives exactly the same answers to every single question that I do, but I don't think that matters too much, since it appears to work out to be equally as balanced in the end regardless.
It's always been and always will be zero. I strongly dislike children in general. It's not like some sick twisted thing; I don't have any disturbing thoughts towards children, but I certainly would rather avoid being around them if it's possible. I don't have a problem with people who want kids either, but they're definitely not for me. I think children are really stupid and annoying.
It sounds cold, perhaps. But I'm just being honest. I extremely deeply value maturity, and kids are the epitome of everything that isn't that. I can't blame them, obviously. I don't hate them for being young. I was once also young and extremely stupid and annoying. I'm sure there are plenty of people out there that think I'm still extremely stupid and annoying, but that only demonstrates a larger point. The same way I wouldn't want to be around stupid and annoying adults (RIP most of the population), I wouldn't want to be around children either, who are inherently as such.
Even still, you may argue some children can be considerably mature for their age, and can be taught maturity at a very early age. Level of maturity is only one of many reasons I personally don't ever want and couldn't ever tolerate having children.
It has nothing to do with anything like financial stability, mental stability, genetics, or any perception I have of what kind of parent I'd be. I don't want kids ever, even if I'm in a perfectly acceptable life stage for them and even if I somehow knew with some supernatural precognition ability that I'd be an excellent parent.
Why? I think it's not so hard to understand if you really put adequate thought into it.
Most people are rather mediocre. If they have children, in the vast majority of cases, their child is either a mediocre failure (or school shooter, terrorist, or severe degenerate criminal) at worst, and perhaps a little less mediocre than they are at best. If I had children, either they'd be failures because of their overall environment and society, they'd be rather mediocre, I'd be a terrible failure as anything resembling an even decently good parent, or they'd exceed to the point of being greater than I am.
None of those possibilities are things that would make me happy to see or experience being a part of at any point in their progression. The reality is that I'm far too smart, powerful, and driven towards greatness for having children to ever hold any appeal to me, and when combined with the fact that I never found any remote appeal in even the idea, even long before reaching such an exceptional state, truly shows the deep incompatibility that I have with ever having any children through any means.
If this would truly be a devastatingly breaking factor in a relationship with a woman, then that woman obviously never loved me in the first place, and if I was stupid enough to have kids with her just to try to make the relationship work, it'd definitely fail anyways. I'll forever be absolutely convinced that any woman that seriously pressures me to any extent to have children with her is planning to use them to control and abuse me and ultimately fuck my life up as hard as possible for as much benefit as she can attempt to squeeze out of me, which I'll always find absolutely unacceptable and intolerable.
So if Kimi is dead-set on having kids, into isolation I go...
This is simply my personal preference and not a matter of a correct or incorrect perspective. It's very much possible to have a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension and love children and deeply want and enjoy having children. Although I imagine in the vast majority of cases, such a person would have to be among the less exceptional and driven of such individuals, since they would have to be willing to make the trade-off of being unable to train in quantum energy arts to any degree. Having children and becoming immortal through quantum energy arts are mutually exclusive as far as I'm concerned, and one should never even begin such training while simultaneously having no intent to ultimately achieve immortality.
It's extremely dangerous to teach quantum energy arts to someone that doesn't have an existing extremely deeply fulfilling romantic relationship. If they do have one, then any such relationship where the individuals involved are capable of producing a child together, at least one of them must have been born female. Having children even once severely damages a female body's energy core, making it impossible for them to do quantum energy harvesting meditation in a capacity where they can achieve immortality (or even any significant power, really).
This is absolutely unacceptable for a life partner for myself. I can't have that person becoming a permanent liability to such a severe extent that she can never even remotely truly defend herself from this fucked up world, and additionally, I cannot have her dying on me while I'm left immortal only to masturbate and bang whores for the rest of my existence feeling deeply unsatisfied.
For the past few years, ever since I found out about them, the only artists I really listen to are NF, NEFFEX, AK, and Hopsin. Although NF is my favorite, it's hard to pick a single song of all the ones I like that I could distinctly say is my absolute favorite, as it depends on my mood. Since it's extremely hard to pick a favorite song, I'll just list a bunch of tracks I really like and listen to regularly in general.
NF - JUST LIKE YOU, TRUST, CLOUDS, THAT'S A JOKE, LOST, PAID MY DUES, WHY, NO NAME, Returns, No Excuses, Intro, Remember This, Destiny, Intro III, The Search, One Hundred, Green Lights, Warm Up, Therapy Session, Outro, Motivated, Outcast
NEFFEX - Manifest It, Born A Rockstar, How's It Supposed To Feel, Tell Me That I Can't, NO TURNING BACK, Fight Back, Failure, INSPIRED, BITE ME, Soldier, Without You, Unstoppable, Best of Me, Grateful, Coming For You, IT'S ONLY WORTH IT IF YOU WORK FOR IT, THAT'S WHAT IT TAKES, SOMETHING YOU COULD NEVER OWN
I've also really been enjoying Merkules & Hopsin - Not Like You. I find it quite interesting how the subject matter is curiously relevant to the current state of my life and there is very clearly some kind of black book type thing displayed throughout the video. Hi Merkules. Nice to not meet you. Thanks for the track, buddy.
Oh, and I don't only listen to rap; I also really like K-pop. My favorites are ITZY - WANNABE and BTS - MIC Drop. My Korean is quite unfortunately currently very limited, but I've read all the lyrics from the subtitles, and actually a very significant part of why I like these songs so much is because not only is the beat really catchy, but I also know what the meaning behind the song is and I find the meaning of these songs exceptionally powerful.
Both are amazing. They revolve around concepts critical to life (health & truth). Witty. Funny. Romance. You learn things and sometimes get to thinking about life and its depths as a result of the subject matter. If you pay careful attention and reflect, you can learn things that you can use in your life. House taught me a bunch of shit about medicine and health. Lie to Me taught me a lot about deception, detecting it in others, and handling it in mature and savage ways. Micro-expressions are so real and insanely powerful to be able to read.
Drugs are simply a tool, and like any other tool, their power is dependent on the person wielding them. The idea of a drug that unlocks your true potential to be the sharpest, smartest, greatest version of yourself you could ever possibly be is a very enticing concept that I'd contemplated on for a long time even before ever seeing this movie. I really like how the movie, while largely exaggerated, still tries to keep things quite real, with severe side-effects if you use the drug carelessly, and showing the nature of humanity in a quite raw way that also leaves you with wonder.
Many consider Modafinil to be real life NZT-48, but I personally think it's a careful combination of Methamphetamine + Noopept + Choline. To each their own, I guess.
Similar to House and Lie to Me, you can learn a lot of interesting things about life. It also contains wit, comedy, and romance. I'm not really big on anime, but I really like this one.
It also shows you that you have to be REALLY smart to kill someone and get away with it flawlessly, because there are so many factors that can leave you susceptible to getting owned. Well, of course, using advanced quantum energy arts allows you to circumvent all of this, but that's beyond the scope of the anime.
Oh man, food is awesome, so it's hard to pick a favorite. It can depend on my mood. Let's say it's a tie between pizza, poutine, Korean BBQ, sushi, and McDonald's.
Easily bubble tea (boba). Taro milk tea with tapioca.
Second to that, probably water. I definitely drink A LOT more water than bubble tea though... I'm not tryna get diabetes. I don't think doctors could recommend drinking at least 2-4 liters of bubble tea every day, or I definitely would.
Disclaimer: I don't encourage drug use. Most people use drugs for the wrong reasons and with the wrong mentality. It's possible to fuck your life up with drugs even if you aren't going into using them like a complete retard. Don't do drugs if you're a child or have the mentality of a child.
I've done many in my life, but I'd say probably a tie between weed and meth.
Everything else can have its moments, but generally I think kinda sucks. Weed is pretty nice in general, because it can function as a stimulant or a relaxant. Meth is nice because like I mentioned before, in my own private formulation with Noopept and Choline (the dosage quantities are EXTREMELY important), it acts like real life NZT-48, which I find more powerful and effective than Modafinil.
I've also tried Modafinil, but the FDA-recognized potential side-effect of your skin starting to fall off until you die was enough for me to stop using it after a while and look for something safer. I suppose you could also supplement Amphetamine (brand name Adderall) for meth, but it's much more expensive, much harder to do clandestine manufacture of, and would require higher doses to achieve comparable results as it's basically a weaker version of meth.
I like to periodically stop doing any drugs and chill completely unenhanced, because that way I never build considerable tolerance, minimize any risk of addiction, and allow myself to gauge if the last usage period had overall positive or negative effects so I can adjust my usage accordingly.
Well, my skills are probably considerable as hobbies, since I don't actively pursue making money off of them, even though I'm skilled enough at them that I definitely could with at least some of them. Software engineering, game development, philopsychology, and gaming are my hobbies. I don't think quantum energy harvesting meditation counts as a hobby, but if it does, then throw that in there too.
Nothing I want to learn.
This list is probably going to be dropped down to nothing (or exclusively quantum energy harvesting meditation, again if you could even count it as a hobby) in the near future, since I'm going to completely stop caring about anything besides exacting my extremely brutal retribution if I don't get to be with Kimi.
Well, if I'm to head into isolation, there's nothing I really care to see invented; I already have everything I need to meditate in isolation and be able to exact my extremely brutal retribution. But let's assume for a moment the insane possibility that Kimi actually loves me and decides to be with me, so I can actually give a meaningful answer to this question.
I would've said the world's best game, a multi-genre online masterpiece... But I could already make that myself if I really cared. So we move on to the next thing, which I definitely couldn't make myself.
A modern desktop computing operating system that doesn't suck complete ass.
I almost feel bad saying that, since Linux Mint + Cinnamon + WINE (Staging) is actually a pretty awesome combo that I've really come to enjoy using. The staging version of WINE is ridiculously better than the stable or development branches, and has extremely useful functional MS .NET framework support, among other things. I can effectively do everything I could ever want to do on Windows, with much better privacy, while having extremely solid kernel stability, overall security, and excellent performance on all native applications. Still, the performance and stability of the WINE application server leaves much to be desired. I believe this to be the biggest issue that currently exists with the Linux environment in the usage context of a desktop computing operating system, as Cinnamon is already an excellent desktop environment, and the driver and package configuration in Mint is solid.
Windows has become a bloated, privacy-breaching shithole of a mess, going completely downhill after Windows 7. Linux is overall an extremely fragmented divine kind of agony between all the GCC versions, kernel versions, desktop environments, and distribution configurations, with development focus mostly aimed at the kernel by large conglomerates that rely on an extremely stable, efficient, and secure kernel to power all of their commercial servers that run the foundation of their enterprises, leaving the desktop environment experience in the dust. Mac is not only also a privacy-breaching and rather bloated clusterfuck (although perhaps not quite as bad as Windows), but it both lacks the immense compatibility/application base that Windows does, as well as the progression and economic benefits Linux has in being open source, with the only notable trade-off being that it looks prettier than its competitors out-of-the-box.
All the options fucking suck as a desktop computing environment for hardcore power users besides Windows 7, and it's being phased out by hardware manufacturers because Microsoft's end of support for it means hardware manufacturers also feel like no longer producing drivers for the OS, rendering it unusable on modern hardware. It also suffers from decreased security due to lack of proper updates from Microsoft, meaning that the NSA and China and Russia's hackers all have a really easy time getting into those boxes if they want, so your privacy is rather compromised by principal anyways. At least it can solidly run just about any piece of software you could ever want to use, without reporting every breath you take to Microsoft for them to sell to the government and other third parties for maximum revenue.
Did you know that even the "basic" diagnostic information that Microsoft collects in Windows 10 contains over 400 data points? The "full" option only has about 20 additional ones, meaning it's more so a placebo giving you the illusion you're not running an OS with built-in auto-patching self-healing spyware. Microsoft, two middle fingers to you, dickheads. Collecting what applications are installed, when they're launched, how long they're running, what's being done on them, and many other things that are ultimately virtually impossible to make "non-identifiable", all while tying them in to a generated hardware ID that is linked to a computer, is an absolute disrespect to the end user and cannot, by any stretch of the imagination, be seen as being collected solely "for diagnostic and user experience improvement purposes".
You can ask me about my near-death experiences (synonymous with application and kernel crashes) if you want to have an idea about how you can improve how you interact with me to make my experience with you better, but there's no good reason you need to know who I talk to, how long I'm talking to them, what I talk to them about, every time I fucking use the toilet, and every fucking breath I take. This shit is just one step away from key logging and having a built-in RAT, which with all the security vulnerabilities you're also introducing every system update, you might as well be doing for the NSA, China, and Russia.
ANY person with half a brain that uses a computer heavily (or really at all) should not at this point see using Windows as their primary operating system as a viable option. If you really need it for a certain game, you should be dual booting and not using Windows as your primary OS. And Mac? Perhaps. I've never really been a fan of it, but at this point, I'd say it's definitely a more sane choice for a primary OS. If you regularly use software that has native support for it and is horribly broken and/or completely unusable under WINE, then Mac is not a bad choice. If you're simply a big fan of it, that's fine. Otherwise, Linux is the only remotely sane choice. You couldn't pay me to use Windows as my primary OS at this point, and I personally don't even have any sufficient reason to dual boot it.
Yikes. I've went through phases with this one. A lot of phases. Right now, nothing. I haven't really been playing games. Life's been so heavy that I've been pouring all my energy into figuring out what's next, and I can't bring myself to play games much if at all at such a critical, pivotal time in my life.
Even putting that aside, I feel like all the games that are currently out are really lacking in one way or another as far as something I've been looking for that I could say really stands out, and it's been that way for a long time, which was a big part of what originally inspired me to start development on the world's first multi-genre online masterpiece. For that reason, I often found enjoyment playing my own game I was developing... But that's not publicly released, so I should probably try to give a perhaps more meaningful answer.
If I really had to try to pick among the current market... Minecraft? Not vanilla though; I actually really like it more for its ease of modding. Throw some game design and development skills in there, and you can mod it to play like an MMO, which can be interesting. I played around with it and added MP and a bunch of skills and leveling up and all this MMO-like stuff, which made the experience pretty cool. Never released it because I never cared to.
Besides that... If we go by raw hours of gameplay... Steam says I have over 2,000 hours on Killing Floor. I'm not like super in love with the game or anything, but it's kinda nice as a de-stresser to mindlessly kill a bunch of shit while blasting music you're vibing to here and there. I've gotten pretty good at mindlessly killing shit while blasting music I'm vibing to. I wonder if this skill translates to real life after meditating in isolation? Or maybe the extremely deep-rooted hatred will take care of that for me? Wow, what a mystery. Can't wait to find out.
I really liked League of Legends for a good few years, but at some point I just really stopped enjoying it. I'm not really sure why, but it happened. Oh well. I was quite up there in hours in this game too. I must've played over 2,000 matches in my life, which at about 30 minutes each, means over 1,000 hours.
When I was younger, MapleStory was almost the only game I played. I remember having the Mark of the Beta hat that was rare and only people who played beta had, but I've long since lost that account. There was a bit of S4 League, GunZ, a bunch of GBA games (Final Fantasy Tactics Advanced and Fire Emblem Sacred Stones stood out a lot), a few PS2 games (Dark Cloud 2 and Kingdom Hearts 2 were awesome)... But that stuff is largely a blur compared to MapleStory. I don't even know how many hours I spent on that game. Actually, it might be more than League or KF, but I went through so many different accounts (and later on private servers) that it's really hard to tell. I hardly spent any money on NX, but so many hours on the game. I enjoyed it a lot even playing legit, although I also enjoyed hacking so much that I made my own bots and trainers, some of which I released, and even saw people using in-game a few times (my bots had certain distinct behaviors I could identify).
Nexon, HackShield is trash. Try having your mob movement packets not generated by aggression-delegated handlers assigned to clients, because that was literally the reason every vac ever existed and is trash game development practice. Also, damage events and handler calculations should never be client-initiated for any game entities, because that's also equally as terrible of a problem and really trash game development practice that led to things like PG hack and Cygnus summon hack, both of which let you reach level 100+ in a day on official servers back when that was a massive accomplishment. It also greatly facilitated the creation of private servers, because it was combined with the fact that you hand-supplied a bunch of critical entity data in WZ files. The server processing overhead for validation of client packets (detecting hacks and applying autoban) actually is probably much less efficient than using the server authoritatively for the base operation processing. You think that kind of vulnerability is worth it for what, a slightly increased responsiveness in really bad ping situations? LMAO.
My dream job is no job. Hello?
I wouldn't call myself rich, but money already isn't an issue for me, because I'm extremely smart and powerful, and with that comes resourcefulness and minimal desire for physical possessions. Plus I have Shadow Confederation connections. So a job isn't something I'm concerned about getting, like, ever.
Don't let your dreams be dreams.
Although, I think I'd definitely want more money if somehow by some miracle Kimi loves me and acts properly upon that. Ideally, I just utilize my hobbies to make a considerable impact in the world, and I get donations or something. I wouldn't be closed off to certain new hobbies if I was given reason to give a shit instead of just meditating in isolation and becoming an extremely cruel heartless dictator of the world. But I know better than to keep my hopes up at this point.