On Aug 4, 2021, I finished serving my 13.5 month sentence for the first public revision of The Black Book. On June 29, 2022, it reached what is hopefully not its final revision. The willingness and desire to not only retain but even intensify the extreme and unwavering severity of my position if Kimi won't spend her life with me properly was only fortified by the experience. Think this is a joke?! Think again!!
» Formal warning of retribution. Provides core evidence & more detail on why I may end up doing quantum energy harvesting meditation intensely in isolation & exacting The Great Retribution.


I always wondered what Kimi really looked for in a partner.

Shortly after I released the initial version of my book, she decided to finally actually think about it and make it clear.

This is my response.

Kimi Park,

I remember I asked you very early on in our connection what you look for in a partner. You literally gave me the most generic socially conditioned bullshit answer ever. Now when you talk about what kind of partner you want, it seems like you actually put some serious thought into it, and it certainly seems to me like you think about me when you think about it.

"I'm pretty simple, I just want someone who's smart, always willing and working to grow, and shares the same values as me.

Bonuses are: if he games, is clean, healthy, has goals, career passions, smells nice, buys me food, gives me attention, pats on the head, supports me in my dreams, makes my life better, loves animals (especially Hobbes and Pix), pushes me out of my comfort zone, pushes me to be better, inspires me, gives me lots of cuddles, surprises me with Starbucks, watches movies and animes and Netflix with me (in the literal sense not the other sense), respects me and my boundaries, gets along with my friends and makes an effort to get to know them. Someone who plans well and likes to travel. Who doesn't get jealous and is understanding of what I do as my job. I like guys who are taller than me with a friendly smile. Nerds are fucking great, I have to date a nerd, I get the biggest hard-on for intelligence and the desire to learn. Tells me all the time how wonderful and amazing I am while not hesitating to nicely criticize and give me honest feedback. Lavishes me with words of affirmation, holds my hand in public, gives me gentle kisses and wraps his arms around me, makes me feel protected and safe and happy."

Let's go over this.

1. "Pretty simple"

? OMEGALUL you only want someone with such an insane combination of qualities that a guy wouldn't even fit this list, you want a special kind of woman. Proof? You're famous and hot AF with a lot of friends, but you're single and probably don't find anyone around you actually appealing as a life partner. You want someone extremely special and dreamy as a life partner and obviously nobody around you is up to that standard.

2. "someone who's smart, always willing and working to grow, and shares the same values as me"

This is already so not simple. Smart? What's smart to you? How smart is qualifying criteria for smart? What kind of intelligence do you want them to have/in what area(s) do they need to be smart? Why? How do you want them to use this intelligence? Always willing and working to grow? Why? In what ways? How do you want them to use their flexibility as such? Shares the same values as you? This can mean a whole slew of different shit (as you yourself demonstrated with "bonuses" you want that for the most part don't actually seem like bonuses but rather demands you have of them) and makes what you're looking for increasingly distant from "simple".

It's not that I'm not up for it, in fact I think your list is actually very easy for me. I just need to know you're framing things correctly if you're going to demand an essay worth of shit. I could say I look for someone that also fits this "simple" explanation of what you're looking for, but I definitely wouldn't describe that person nor what I'm looking for as simple, because the general statement you're making is extremely open-ended and means a whole lot to me. I'll explain that later.

Anyways, let's take a look at "bonuses". By the way, I'd like to start by mentioning: are you ready to be all these things for someone else too that you're demanding them for yourself from them? Double standards are a fine base for a relationship to shatter into a million pieces and fail horribly.

3. "games"

Yeah, I do that. Wouldn't ever beat being affectionate and close with someone I love in a general sense, but it's pretty up there in terms of things I like doing. Doing it with someone I love could only make it better. It's always been one of my favorite things to do since I was a child. I still remember when I first got Pokemon Yellow on a Gameboy Color as a birthday present from one of my uncles when I was like 6 or some shit. It was lit.

I'm sure I enjoy games enough that I meet this requirement.

4. "is clean"

If I'm not homeless, showering and brushing my teeth regularly are things I enjoy doing. Even being homeless, I still do them sometimes, although it's not exactly easy when you have to sneak into community centers to shower and use public washrooms to brush your teeth. Being dirty isn't exactly fun, and while I'm okay with it if I'm generally trying to avoid literally everyone, I'd generally feel quite uncomfortable with it if I want to be touchy with someone I care about or hang out with her friends. I wouldn't want to do that stuff while not even being clean and making everyone feel uncomfortable.

I'd assume this is a pretty standard requirement for a relationship because otherwise you're with someone degenerate AF. I mean, I can understand the whole not showering for a couple days if you're just being cozy at home thing; you're not going to smell like absolute garbage in like 2 or 3 days. But yeah, obviously you shouldn't be going weeks without showering or some shit.

As far as spatially clean, I've always kept any room I've had organized. I don't like leaving things randomly lying around and making a mess. I generally wash any dishes I make dirty pretty quickly. I'm not like super uptight about this, so it's not like I'm going to get upset at you if you have some stuff lying around, but I assume you already have to be clean and careful to a decent extent because your dogs are going to bite and mess with a lot of stuff if you just leave it lying around on the floor, so I think even if you're kinda messy, you generally tend not to leave it to the point where you can barely even walk around your house.

I'm sure I meet this requirement in the context of if we actually end up together. No problem.

5. "healthy"

I'm healthy.

Physically, I have no illnesses at all. I could lose some weight, but I'm certainly not obese, and I'd have no issue with working out more or going on keto or something to lose some weight if you'll date me properly and give me a reason to actually care about looking good.

Mentally, you already know I think very deeply and am very intelligent, and as you can see with this revised version of the book, I still have a very healthy attitude towards you, despite everything you've put me through. I certainly wouldn't have put this book together this way, if at all, if I had poor mental health.

You already know I have reason to question your health on both levels, and I suppose you could question mine, but that really doesn't get us anywhere. I love you a lot, and whatever difficulties with health you may go through, whether physical or mental, I want to be there by your side to help you through them.

6. "has goals and career passions"

Yeah, I definitely have a lot of goals. On top of the obvious developing my quantum energy arts and becoming immortal, I've also elaborated quite a bit on my plans and goals for the future if I actually get the proper relationship with you that I've always wanted and have a reason to actually care about being a constructive force in the world.

I definitely meet this. I'd say most likely by far more than anyone else in your life.

7. "smells nice"

Lol. As long as you shower reasonably often, you'll smell alright. If anything, a couple sprays of perfume and there isn't much left to be desired. This one's simple but important enough; I get it, I want you to smell nice too. I also understand you won't always smell like you have an aura of perfume coating you the way you did at the meetup, which is completely fine, and I know you won't have that kind of expectation of me either, so I think this is easy enough.

I prefer feminine perfumes over anything masculine, both for my partner as well as myself, so unless you have some kind of obsession with masculine scent that you'd rather die than not have around you, I really don't think this should be a problem for you. And if it is such a problem for you, well, I hope you can enjoy that scent for the next couple years before the world ends I guess.

8. "buys me food"

Lol. If you date me, I'll feel comfortable becoming a streamer, I'll make a lot of money off that alone, and of course I won't have a problem buying you food. I think this doesn't need much elaboration. No problem, I can do this.

9. "gives me attention"

Honey, I wish I could give you a lot more attention already, but because you're not being open with me, the most attention I can give you is regularly checking your Twitter, watching your streams, sending you messages regularly expressing my affection towards you and showing you I'm thinking of you, and jerking off to you.

If you have a proper relationship with me, I'll want to give you attention more than anything else in the world. I mean, I already do, but if we were together, I'd be able to do it better, and you'd enjoy it more too.

I'm pretty sure I already give you more attention than anyone else in your life. If you date me properly, I'll definitely do this very well, I feel no doubt nor hesitation to say that.

10. "pats on the head"

You like this? I'd assume it seems patronizing, as if I think you're a child that is simply doing your best, even if you're struggling with something. Well, if you actually like it, that's pretty cute I guess. Normally this would be pretty weird to me, but if it's you and you actually enjoy it, I don't have a problem with it. Not sure exactly what kind of situation I'd actually feel is appropriate to do it, but I suppose I'll feel it out and you can also always tell me simply if you want it or explain to me what kind of situations you'd want it, and tell me if I'm doing it right or wrong.

I don't think this should really be a problem. I mean, who leaves an otherwise amazing relationship because their partner doesn't pat them on the head enough? I'll certainly give you attention and affection in many different ways, so this is only one thing. I don't think I need to go much into this. Don't worry, I'll pat you on the head all you want. Yes, I know, gently. Yes, I know, I should be careful not to mess up your hair.

11. "supports me in my dreams"

I've been pretty supportive of you since I first started talking to you. I've always been trying my best. I'll continue to try my best. I'm not even sure what your dreams are because you don't talk to me properly, but unless you have some fucked up twisted fantasies, I'm pretty sure this won't be a problem in the slightest. I obviously want to support my partner, the person that I love the most and that means the world to me, in their dreams.

12. "makes my life better"

Extremely general. Obviously I'll be trying my best to make your life better. I've always been trying my best from the beginning to do this too. I know we've had fights, but it's because I wanted to show you I care about you and because I knew that we wouldn't be that way if we were actually together. We've already went through that now. You know that I don't start shit and get petty with you on stream or in Discord, and I don't even lash out at you when you get your friends to pretend to be me and do it, so I think you can understand that I'm trying to make your life better.

Considering what I can offer you, I'm pretty sure I could make your life way better than any other person in your life or someone random from the street ever could. I have no worries about this.

13. "loves animals (especially Hobbes and Pix)"

I've never had pets (unless you count a few fish when I was a child), but I'm okay with them. Definitely don't hate them. Pets are sort of like children but also very different, so my feelings about not wanting children doesn't extend towards pets. Also, I think Hobbes and Pix are both pretty cute, so I don't have any problems with them. I guess I never mentioned that before, but yeah, it's cool. Now you know.

As long as you don't want to run a zoo, I don't think this will be a problem.

14. "pushes me out of my comfort zone"

Yeah, I definitely do this. A lot. I'd say more than I'd like. I'd still do it to some extent if we were dating, but it wouldn't be nearly as harsh and difficult for you to interpret or deal with as it is now with how tense our connection is. I don't think I need to elaborate much on this; just know that I don't want to push you out of your comfort zone simply for the sake of it, to prove I'm "alpha" or some trash like that, or out of some ego of thinking I'm simply better than you and know what's best for you all the time. If I'm going to push you, I always want to do it as gently and considerately as possible while remaining effective.

Unfortunately, with how things are now, even my most gentle and considerate attempts are quite harsh because they have to be if I want them to be at all effective, but I promise it'll be a lot more gentle if we're together. I don't think this will be a problem.

15. "pushes me to be better"

Well, I've fought with you because I was trying to push you to be better. Like I said, I never push you out of your comfort zone simply for the sake of it or because I just feel like I have some point to prove or some shit. I care about you and I want you to be better because of that. I also recognize that I have to do it considerately and as gently as possible while remaining effective.

I don't see this being a problem, considering you're reflective and don't seem closed-minded to thinking about the things I tell you to try to help you become a better person.

16. "inspires me"

Oh man, I know I do this. You don't have to tell me, I already know. Yes, I try very hard. And it works.

I'm pretty sure simply having me in your life and talking to me every day will inspire you even more than what I'm doing now will, so I really don't think this will be a problem at all.

17. "gives me lots of cuddles"

Yeah, I definitely want to cuddle a lot if we're together. I told you, I don't just think about sex. You're easily the hottest girl in the world to me, but I can't be hard 24/7 and I don't even want to be.

Cuddling is very tender and nice and I've never had a girlfriend to be able to do it but I definitely want it a lot and I'd really like it. This definitely won't be a problem at all.

18. "surprises me with Starbucks"

LOL. I'll figure this out, but I like coffee too, so I really don't think this will be a problem. Besides, our relationship definitely isn't going to fail due to me not buying you enough Starbucks, I know that much.

19. "watches movies and animes and Netflix with me (in the literal sense not the other sense)"

Well, I guess this goes with cuddling. While doing it in silence and purely relaxing is nice, obviously watching shows or something while cuddling is also nice. I definitely want to spend time with you, and there's going to be times where we're relaxing and not just lying in bed or having sex, some of which will be spent doing stuff like this. No problem.

20. "respects me and my boundaries"

Again, you don't talk to me properly and you send me a lot of mixed signals and shit, so it's hard to tell exactly where your boundaries are, but I try my best and I'll continue to. As far as respecting you in general, well, I wouldn't want to marry you if I didn't even respect you. It'd be pretty stupid of me to want to spend millions or potentially billions of years, until the end of time however long exactly that is, with someone I don't respect, now wouldn't it? We definitely need to talk properly, which will certainly happen before we start dating if you ever end up taking this seriously enough and pursuing it before it's too late.

You already seem to be taking it pretty seriously, even though you don't really show it on stream, so that's good. You can see that I'm not pushing you aggressively to talk to me, so I think that should already show you that I respect you and your boundaries. If this is a problem to either of us at any point, I'm sure we can talk about it, so this really shouldn't ultimately be a problem.

21. "gets along with my friends and makes an effort to get to know them"

I'll try my best. If they're not extremely cold and spiteful towards me (and if you decide to date me then I'm assuming they'll at least give me a chance and not act super mean straight up) then I'll be warm and stuff and I think it'll be fine.

I was never interested in Jaime and you saw how nice I was to her, right? I was even too nice and she ended up liking me for a while I'm pretty sure. I'll obviously try to avoid that in the future, but I generally don't have a problem balancing being nice to someone without coming off too strong, it just may seem to you right now like that's an issue because the whole situation is so crazy.

I feel like it's best to stay away for the most part right now as to not come off malicious, but I'm very open to talking to your friends in general. How about you start by allowing me to get along with you first and then expect me to get along with your friends after, hm? Don't worry too much about this, okay? I'm not going to isolate myself and only talk to you when there is a whole sea of friends and fun and content to be had with other people too; things just aren't at that point yet.

22. "Someone who plans well and likes to travel."

Eh, you can plan meticulously and the plans can still fall apart, so I believe that planning should be done to a functionally effective extent but being super uptight about it just ends up making you nervous and shit. In a general sense, I think I'm pretty good at planning. As far as traveling, if I'm being completely honest, I'm not a huge fan, but I can push myself to some extent for you.

I mean, if I can be so amazing to you, if you actually love me at all, you're not going to leave me because I'm not a huge fan of traveling. It's also worth noting that traveling for certain events and traveling for the sake of it are different; when I say I'm not a huge fan of traveling, it doesn't mean I'm at all against something like going to TwitchCon for example.

We'll see how this goes I guess, but I really don't think this should be a problem.

23. "Who doesn't get jealous and is understanding of what I do as my job"

Okay, look. Yes, I've gotten jealous sometimes. But you mean everything to me and I've tried so hard and you haven't even talked to me for two years. Yeah, I'm nervous and upset and sometimes it's lead to me feeling like it's necessary I show you that your behavior of ignoring me isn't appreciated. If we were actually dating, things would be different.

If I have you coming to me and telling me you love me and wrapping your arms around me and giving me love and attention, I'm going to know you genuinely care about me and I'm not going to have such a hard time with this. Right now, I have to deal with wondering how many random dudes you're sucking off while I just have to jerk off to you as you're ignoring me and leaving me feeling bad, but things would just be so much different if we were together properly.

I don't think this will be a problem for me at all. If anything, I wonder if you'll be able to refrain from getting jealous. Anyways, I don't think this should really be a problem in general.

24. "I like guys who are taller than me with a friendly smile"

Well, taller than you, you already know I am. Friendly smile? I mean, I hope so. I guess that's open to interpretation right? You haven't even really had much of an opportunity to see me smile in general, but I'd say I have a friendly smile.

I don't think there's much I can say about this; how about you have a video call with me and tell me if you think my smile is friendly? Please?

25. "Nerds are fucking great, I have to date a nerd, I get the biggest hard-on for intelligence and the desire to learn"

Uhh... LOL??? I think it's more like you get horny thinking about literally being queen of the planet. I don't think it's so much the intelligence as the power that comes with it that you like so much. Anyways, I'm not criticizing you for this, everyone's like that. If I'm making you horny, then that makes me feel good. I'm sure you must feel good knowing you make me horny too. If you read my book, you can very clearly tell I'm intelligent, so touch yourself to me all you want. You have my permission. I'd be honored, in fact. Get as horny for me as you want; you'd best believe I don't hold back when you make me horny, and you really make me way hornier than anyone else in the entire world ever could, and it's a lot.

No problem. I can objectively quantify that I'm extremely intelligent and probably the most intelligent person on the entire planet. Based on this alone, if you're being at all honest, I should turn you on more than anyone else in the world ever could. I don't think there's much more I could say about this. Read my book and enjoy getting wet, honey.

26. "Tells me all the time how wonderful and amazing I am while not hesitating to nicely criticize and give me honest feedback"

Have I told you before how wonderful and amazing you are that I'm the ruler of the planet and you're so precious to me that you're the only person I've ever really wanted to spend my life with and feel certain nobody could ever be more appealing than? Well, I'll say it again, I'll tell you every day, and I'm happy to let you know as much as you want.

You're the most perfectly voluptuous goddess and such a precious person to me inside and out that nobody could ever even hope to replace you. At the same time, I'm really upset that you're not talking to me, and while I can understand you're concerned I'll leave you or laugh at you, I also don't understand how you can still have those fears as I'm continuing to make it increasingly obvious that I'm not trying to hurt you and I'm dying to hear from you and take this connection to the next level.

Doesn't this sound like stuff I've already told you many times before? Yeah. I definitely meet this requirement. Hands down. You know it.

27. "Lavishes me with words of affirmation"

Can you just read this message over a few times and see all the warm things I have to say to you and think about how I want to tell you that kind of loving stuff every single day if we were together? As long as you're not getting an ego and losing control of yourself, I'd be overjoyed to be able to call you a perfect goddess many times every single day. It would make me feel very good, perhaps just as good as it would make you feel to hear it from me.

This definitely won't be a problem.

28. "holds my hand in public"

Is this even a question? Of course I'll hold your hand in public. I'm not any kind of exhibitionist and don't find any appeal in it, but if it makes you feel more comfortable in my feelings for you and the strength of our relationship, I'll happily kiss you in public, grab your butt, whatever.

As long as you're not trying to put on a show for people and make some CornHub content, PDA isn't a problem for me.

29. "gives me gentle kisses and wraps his arms around me"

Yes please and yes please. I want to gently kiss you and wrap my arms around you every day. I already think about this every day. This definitely won't be a problem.

30. "makes me feel protected and safe and happy"

I mean, I'm a Permanent Chief of the Shadow Confederation. If protection from the literal Illuminati combined with eventually high-level quantum energy arts isn't enough to make you feel protected and safe, then nothing is going to do that. I can do that better than literally any other person that would ever want you in your entire life. And happy? I sure hope so. I'm pretty sure I've even changed your idea of what happy really is and made you happier at even the possibility you can get it, so I think I can do that better than anyone else ever could too.

There's more I'd like to address beyond this list as well.

I've told you many times before and I'm going to say it again. I never want children. I mean it and I'm definitely never changing my mind. I've never wanted children and it has nothing to do with my partner, my financial situation, or the point I'm at in my life. I simply don't find having children appealing at all and anyone I'd ever be with must accept this or I'll never date them. This point is absolutely definitely not up for debate and you must accept it or I'll never even consider dating you and isolation and ending the world is the certain future for me.

Not to shit on you, but on top of the fact that I've never wanted children anyways AND the fact that giving birth fucks up your energy core and destroys your potential for quantum energy arts training and subsequent eventual immortality (which you must be willing to learn and achieve with me because I don't plan to die if I can avoid it and I don't want to have to live only having you in my life for a few decades and then have to live millions or billions of years alone and banging hookers), but also, Kimi, I know you.

I've gotten to know your personality well the past three years. You're the type of person that would give a child a lot of attention, attention that would be taken away from me, and I can't have that in a relationship with you if it's going to be at all healthy. Additionally, you're the type that likes to prove you're independent and don't really need anyone, so you're very prone to wanting to be a single mother if not for any other reason but to prove to yourself and others that you can handle it.

When combined with the other reasons, I want you to know I'm not just saying it when I say we're never going to have kids. You either deal with that in a relationship with me or the world ends before you raise a child to live to even 5 years old. Is that unfair to you? Well, being the ruler of the planet and being led on for 3 years before going into isolation to end the world out of sadness and anger by someone who most would see as simply a random pretty girl on the internet that talks and plays games for a living is certainly unfair to me, so not to be brutal here, but I really don't care.

I know you really like words of affirmation, so I should give you some that show you how I really feel about you. You're bold, brave, funny, cute, sexy, ambitious, passionate, sensual, sweet, gentle, caring, sensitive, attentive, smart, curious, interesting, exciting, and you mean everything to me. You're the first person that's ever really made me feel loved. You're the first person I ever thought I actually would love to spend the rest of my life with and would never be able to find someone better than.

You make me feel wanted, cared about, and like I could actually be sexy somehow, even though I never thought anyone would ever be able to make me feel that way. Even more than that, you make me feel that it really matters because I know that meaning whatever it is I mean to you didn't come easily, and with how much you must've been willing to trust me to put yourself in this position, I really feel like you don't want to lose me. For the first time in my life, I know there really is someone out there that I absolutely can't live without, and that person is you.

That being said, you've had your chance to make a list, and I've now addressed every point and I don't think anything will be a problem. However, I have a list too, and I really don't know if it's going to be a problem for you or not. I can only hope it won't be, because the fate of society is literally in your hands.

You know what I look for in a partner? I wouldn't call it simple.

Someone bold but not careless. Someone strong but not controlling. Someone that really understands having attention but doesn't seek too much of it. Someone that wants to be very smart and powerful but not to be cruel. Someone ambitious and passionate towards their goals and desires in life, but flexible enough not to be too stubborn. Someone that's an equal balance of cute and sexy, but has an immense amount of both at the same time. Someone sweet and gentle that doesn't ever feel an inherent need to compensate for it somehow by being intentionally mean or cruel simply for the sake of it. Someone very sensitive and sensual. Someone that's curious but also interesting. Someone that's smart but also exciting and also doesn't take a desire for excitement too far. Someone that's very caring and also understands very well how to show it in a meaningful way that touches my heart and feeds my soul. Someone very sexy physically that also has a high sex drive like me and will never leave me wanting without receiving. Someone that sets high standards for both themselves and others, but also knows how to be realistic as well as balance their desires to truly be able to enjoy life. Someone who is truly okay with never having children even if they're very capable of being a good parent. Someone who can understand and appreciate the value of the quantum energy arts and immortality. Someone who can love and accept the female that I am inside, as well as my desire to start expressing it outwardly, while also loving that I have a dick and being able to appreciate any of the more masculine personality attributes I may have or express at times.

You're the only person I've ever felt could really be that someone.

Additionally, I took the love languages test that I've seen you use in the past to gauge your love languages, and I scored 12 in physical touch, then 6 evenly across the board in acts of service, quality time, and words of affirmation, with 0 in receiving gifts. This result feels completely accurate to me.

So yes, you're extremely physically attractive; easily by far the sexiest person that could ever exist as far as I'm concerned. Yes, your butt is very plump and the perfect shape and size. Yes, your breasts are the perfect shape and size. Yes, your face is the most gorgeous face I could ever imagine, both with and without makeup. Yes, your overall figure is slender and extremely arousing. Yes, your voice is sensual and also turns me on a lot when you're intentionally being sensual with it. But these things are definitely not all that I see when I think about you. They're definitely not the only reason stroking my cock and having orgasms to you feels amazing and far better than it could ever feel to anyone else. They're definitely not the only reason I dream of cuddling with you and holding you in my arms and gently kissing you and playing with your hair. They're definitely not the only reason I want to date, marry, and spend my life with you.

Don't try to call me shallow. I know I'm not. While I may have very initially been interested in talking to you because you have a gorgeous face, I stayed because interacting with you has genuinely made me feel good in a way that I know nobody else in the entire world could ever make me feel.

If I just wanted people patting me on the back, I could have friends for that. If I just wanted a hot girl to do sexual things with, I could have hookers for that. If I just wanted attention, I could get that without your help. If I just wanted someone to talk to, I could see a therapist.

I don't want people that just do one or some of these things, I want someone extremely special to me that can do them all. You're the only person that could ever possibly be that for me, and if it turns out that you don't want to be, then there's really nothing that holds me back from having complete desire to go into isolation to meditate to destroy the world and promptly starting to act upon that extremely intense desire.

I need you to read every single word I've written here, from beginning to end, and really try your best to feel in your heart how much I must care about you to make this. I literally never even thought of writing a book in my life until I was just thinking one day about what I could possibly do to be most productive in my life and work the hardest towards not only dating you but really knowing that I deserve to, and that's when the idea came into my head and it actually also made sense to act upon it.

Because a meaningful and loving connection with someone very special to me was always more important to me than fame or money, I would've never written a book if I didn't have you in my life, because it would've very actively worked against me achieving my biggest goal of all.

I love you.