We all desire different things in life. Many will argue that as human beings, we all fundamentally desire the same things. Then they may proceed to list things such as love, trust, acceptance, belonging, comfort, safety, wealth, success, happiness... The list goes on, but these kinds of things are usually stated.
I have a big problem with this interpretation of desire.
To any remotely intellectual person, it should not be a matter of question in the slightest to understand the idea that each and every of the aforementioned concepts, these supposed universal desires, are actually open to subjective interpretation as to what exactly entails acquisition of said attribute.
The problem then becomes quite obvious, at least to me. If the things that supposedly are universally desired among all people are actually much more so concepts that are considerably open to interpretation, what meaning does it then have to say that all people desire the same fundamental things, when their own subjective definition of said things can drastically vary from person to person?
Upon complete understanding of this line of thinking, we can then draw the conclusion that in reality, nobody wants the same thing at all.
I'm the type that has a strong dislike of and resistance to participation in anything seemingly futile in any form. There has only ever been one exception to this, and that is the pursuit of the woman of my dreams. As futile as it seemed every step of the way, I knew how much it meant to me and that I could never forgive myself if I didn't try my absolute best despite all the odds, so I put aside my reservations and followed my heart, as it is said one should in the pursuit of true love.
For anything else in life, pursuit in the face of futility is something I find unacceptable from myself. For this to be so important to me that I abandoned that principal and gave this everything I've got, if nothing else it should show how much it really means to me.
It should be understood that there is a very real and significant difference between an effort seemingly futile and one deemed futile by others. In understanding of futility of subject matter, one must appropriately consider both any possible subjective bias they may hold themselves, as well as, depending on the extent to which they may hold active ego, possibly even more so the extent to which subjective bias is relevant in the opinions and actions of others as it relates to any subject matter.
Particularly in situations where there's decision-making necessitated that involves a heavy influence on subjective interpretation of pertinent knowledge and/or experiences, or in situations where one is far more knowledgeable and/or experienced in an area than anyone they're getting feedback from in general, it's especially important to consider the extent to which others are incompetent to be able to give feedback based upon reasonably sufficient foundation, which means that using one's own judgement should be much more heavily relied on than any outside feedback.
In the context of writing this book and my goals, demands, and vision, it's overwhelmingly clear to me that I'm the only person truly qualified to be writing such a book, therefore the weight of my perspective on everything that goes into this book is of vastly greater significance than anything anyone else thinks. The vast majority of people couldn't even imagine the reality of being a Permanent Chief of the Shadow Confederation, particularly through the extremely unique pure and wholesome route that I achieved it.
To ignore or even downplay the immense significance of this fact would break down my mental processes to such a great extent that I'd be rendered incapable of both writing this book and even really functioning properly in my life in general. It's through my very thorough understanding that writing this book is the least futile effort that I could be putting towards seeking and attempting to achieve positive prospects for the world that empowers me to complete it and release it with complete confidence and knowing I have no regrets regardless of the outcome.
Anything great is always going to have some level of fear involved in doing it, but it's overcoming that fear and doing it anyways that separates the people that achieve great things from the mediocre ones.
In more difficult situations, both doing and not doing something may carry significant fear. In that case, the action where one is overcoming the greater fear results in greatness.
This understanding alone will likely lead one into a thought loop wherein they attempt to rationalize that doing something results in taking the action overcoming the greater fear, however that results in an understanding that they were actually more afraid of not doing said thing, meaning they made the decision leading to lesser or no greatness, and vice versa.
The understanding that resolves this thought loop is that action, and not inaction, is the fundamental source of greatness. With that in mind, one may attempt to rationalize that not doing something is still a form of action, however the distinguishing property becomes one's current state of greatness and the overall resulting greatness of action versus inaction. In this highly technical view with deep understanding, one must carefully consider value trade-offs of each option.
Consider a generic situation with difficult choices where both distinct action, as well as what can be considered action via the action of not taking the aforementioned action, carry considerable fear. One needs to consider the value trade-off by using current greatness as the reference frame, evaluating probabilities in either scenario. By taking the aforementioned action, is there a greater increase in value than not taking it? Is there a need to take the action that adds value to the extent that not taking said action results in value loss by way of not fulfilling that need? If so, one must recognize that the rationalizing they're doing not to take said action is simply a result of their subconscious greater fear of taking it.
This is the greatness action effect model.
The understanding of the greatness action effect model can be used to demonstrate why I'm writing this book and also why I'm going to destroy the world if I don't get the proper relationship with Kimi that I've been constantly tearing myself apart to achieve for the past three years.
I'm currently in a situation wherein I've put immense effort into achieving the maximum potential of my personal greatness, yet am being perpetually immensely disrespected and under/unappreciated by everyone I feel close to in my life, and as a result receiving a complete lack of results of any deeply satisfying significance to me.
The result is that the only remaining value I can objectively reasonably derive from all my acquired resources is to thoroughly strip all even remotely significant value from the lives of everyone I've gotten so close to in my life, along with eventually every person in the entire world, to achieve any degree of significant and satisfying retribution, even if it results in complete destruction of everything including eventually my own life.
This is because otherwise, my life has already had all significant meaning permanently and perpetually stripped away from it due to my existing circumstances and the direction they'd be heading, which will result in such severe depression that I'll end up simply committing suicide randomly one day after constantly heavily struggling with massively being fake for whatever period of time, which is absolutely unacceptable to me given how clearly I can see it happening and how competent I am to prevent such a pathetic fate for myself.
People tell me I should just work on myself and find another girl. Livid doesn't even seem to scratch the surface of how I feel about that. You can overcome insane obstacles and struggles, work on yourself extensively constantly throughout your entire life since childhood, try so fucking hard and put everything you've got of your heart and soul into everything you do, have so much to offer the world, and yet have immense trouble getting noticed properly and treated with dignity. This is the kind of fucking shitty world we live in.
This isn't anger that's directed at one or two people, it's very far-reaching.
I'm a Permanent Chief of the Shadow Confederation, not through connections or evil deeds, but through simply commanding so much knowledge and power that I've been deemed worthy of the position. I'm a master of philopsychology, a deeply hidden field that isn't taught by any schools most people would've ever heard of, and was never understood nearly as comprehensively as I've presented it, until I came along. I'm an individual with a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension, a concept that most are left scatterbrained at merely the mention of. I'm a tier 3 quantum energy arts user, an art so deep and great that most want to instantly dismiss me as delusional for even mentioning it because it's simply too much for their fragile egos to bare to acknowledge the existence of.
On top of these more insane feats, I'm also a professional computer scientist and software engineer, skills I started developing at 10 years old. I have several years of experience as a game developer in the past few years that I've dived into it deeply as well. What do all these people telling me to work on myself have to say about themselves? So I'm the crazy one for being upset now huh?
Well guess what, this was never up for debate.
I've spent the past three years being so patient and loving to the one person that has ever made me feel truly loved, the only person that can ever make me feel this way, despite knowing the whole time that it'd be very difficult to get to actually be with her, and having to live with the fact that it's just how life is.
I've went through so much pain, worked so hard to passionately pursue my goals and dreams in an extremely driven way, and how is society rewarding me? Laughing at me and mercilessly trying to inflict more pain. I don't enjoy being hurt, and I never have any intention of living my life in any way accepting pain as if I do or ever will. This is a very significant reason why I'm so upset. I feel like some people end up thinking I actually enjoy being hurt, and that causes it's own problems. I especially don't want Kimi to start thinking that, because then I know there'd truly be no chance we could ever work, and everything's definitely fucked at that point anyways.
Despite my insane potential to be a terrible person and so many factors that constantly call to me to be one, I'm not a criminal nor a degenerate at all. There are many that would laugh at me for finding it to be an achievement merely not being a degenerate, but what they don't understand is that they wouldn't have the same perspective if they didn't live a life where they were fortunate enough that it wasn't terribly difficult for them not to become a massive criminal.
Most people have to work very hard to get massive power in bad circles in order to have the potential to be a massive criminal. I have the opportunity handed to me if I ever wish to take it, while my whole life I was trying to avoid it as much as possible.
Imagine that your whole life you've been a good person and play your part in society to try to make a positive impact. Now imagine that someone comes up to you one day and tells you that you could rob a bank and get away with millions and never get caught because you have all this power you didn't even know you have and the system wouldn't dare touch you knowing what you're capable of. Imagine that this person had the facilities to prove to you that they're not lying to you and they're not telling you this for any gain on their own part, simply letting you know of potential you have to be a degenerate and untouchable, if you so choose.
Imagine that they tell you this opportunity is always open for you at any time. Imagine they also tell you about several other things you could do that would make you a massive degenerate but would benefit you personally a lot if you choose not to care. You have no family nor friends you know you can rely on, you don't like people in general because you've been treated like trash by almost everyone you've ever dealt with, and you're just getting by decently. It takes every bit of integrity you have constantly not to just start saying fuck the world I'm becoming ice cold and that's it.
Welcome to my life.
I'm not the crazy one. Life is crazy and that's a fact. You're the crazy one if you can't see that clearly. I didn't get here by being willing to settle for mediocrity. I didn't get here by being a thirsty fuck. I didn't get here by not working on myself. I didn't get here by being a shitty person. All I do day and night is set high standards and work on myself to achieve them, yet everyone just wants to keep telling me I'll never be enough and that I just need to keep going this way and keep desperately hoping for things to get better. No. I don't. I really fucking don't.
So many people have shit to say and very few actually try to put themselves in my shoes. They treat me like someone without an insane amount of power. Someone who hasn't overcome immense struggles most of them couldn't even imagine. Someone with little to no drive and potential for greatness. Someone who isn't a very loving, caring, and sensitive person inside. Someone who doesn't always actively try their hardest to look at life from a very mature angle and act accordingly.
Then they question why I'm upset, as if I'm some spoiled and stupid child that doesn't understand life at all and needs to be put in their place. They question why I'm suicidal and lashing out so much at everyone. They question why I want to end the world I can only be left seeing as pure shit and nothing else. They don't stop to ask who the fuck in my position wouldn't. They don't really give a flying fuck. Well, if they don't, what the fuck makes them think I will? What's even left to give a fuck about?
I'm not upset because I'm under some kind of impression that Kimi's trying to manipulate my view of reality and bring down my self-esteem or inhibit my potential somehow, and certainly not because I'm immature and not even aware of reality to the extent to recognize such things in general. I'm not upset because I'm trying to impress her and it doesn't seem to be working. I'm not upset simply because I'm under the impression she wants me to be. I'm not upset for any other stupid reasons.
I'm upset because I know that no matter what anyone thinks, says, or does, the reality that I'll never be anything close to happy without being with Kimi forever will always remain. I'm upset because I should be. Because the love of my life that holds the fate of the world in her hands may not even really give a shit about me and I need to show her the reality of the dark and unfortunate path she's heading towards if she wants to close her heart off to me.
It's a pretty good reason to be upset as far as reasons go.
I don't say I don't care what anyone thinks or says out of some immature and petty emotional reactivity, but because I'm fully aware and accepting of the fact that the only thing that really matters is not only how it makes me feel, but most importantly, what I'm going to do about it. In this case, upset can't even begin to truly describe how never getting to be with Kimi would make me feel, and there is a hell of a lot I can and will do about it.
If I don't get the proper loving relationship with Kimi that I've worked so hard towards for so long and so clearly deserve, then it seems that I've come to learn in the hardest way possible that the more you try to impress and satisfy people, and the more people you try to achieve that with, the more you'll actually never be enough and the more alone and unappreciated you'll feel; the more you give, the more people want, and the better you are at giving, the more ruthlessly people will expect to be able to continue to take. While that's certainly not the case for every little thing in life, especially when one tries to put things into context and looks at situations on an individual basis, it'd certainly be the case for anything significant in my life when I look at it from a far-reaching perspective.
The truth is that unless I wish to simply rot and end up committing suicide from depression and apathy towards existence, I must develop either a positive or negative view towards all the things that have happened to me in my life and the circumstances I'm currently dealing with, then proceed to form intentions to act upon desires that result from that view. If you wish I'd kill myself, it's your prerogative to wish so, however I personally don't want that for myself, so I'm choosing to care about my life.
When I think about looking positively at all the pain, suffering, and negative events and circumstances that I've had to endure in my life, that just makes me want to kill myself even more quickly than becoming apathetic and just becoming a drug addict and ending up overdosing and killing myself does, so since the whole reason I'm choosing to care about my life in the first place is because I don't want to end up killing myself, looking at things with that perspective very quickly becomes completely nonviable.
That only leaves looking at it all from a negative perspective, making me an extremely hurt and severely disrespected individual that should cease to refrain from exercising utilizing my power in a more bold and empowering way. Seriously threatening to single-handedly destroy the entire world the way that I am in writing this book has completely clearly become by far my best option to do so.
It's not about a value gained from destruction, although if it came to that scenario the gain would be emotional equilibrium for myself, but it's more about maintaining a mutually assured destruction policy. The world is being extremely destructive to me, so I'm giving it a final warning before I become extremely destructive back. If it stops, I refrain. If not, we'll destroy each other.
Do you know how governments protect themselves from getting nuked? They promise other countries that if they detect they're getting nuked by a country, they'll nuke that country back and assure neither country survives. The willingness to be destructive in response to a severely destructive undesirable outcome from external forces serves to deter them from those undesirable courses of action.
I can clearly see that continuing to let the world step all over me by not exercising the use of my power is only going to result in it perpetually continuing to do so until I commit suicide, so I'm threatening to destroy it all in return to attempt to prevent it from driving me to kill myself to the point that I actually end up doing so.
To all the people that wish I'd kill myself, and especially to those that have already told me to do so or plan to tell me to do so in the future, fuck you, you pretentious twat, you go kill yourself.
As I mentioned earlier, because of my firmly established negative appreciation (or hatred) towards all the painful and negative experiences I've had to endure throughout my life and that I continue to endure to this day, when combined with my power and capabilities, I'd never simply kill myself; deciding I want to kill myself means I'd wreak havoc on this world and destroy everything else first.
Wanting me to kill myself is equivalent to wanting to kill yourself. That's the truth.
I've been communicating with Kimi constantly ever since getting out of jail, and it's gotten to the point that I've been sharing messages with several of her friends and even her manager as well. I've been doing this so it's known that I've done everything I could to make it as clear as possible that my tender, affectionate, loving feelings and intentions towards Kimi are sincere. I was never trying to catch anyone by surprise in any of the progressions I made while making my best attempt to head towards an official relationship with Kimi, and if anyone tries denying they knew what was going on and push comes to shove, I have all the proof I need to show that I was always trying to avoid having to cause any problems and really prefer the most smooth and peaceful resolution here, in the only way a resolution could actually be reached; with me and Kimi ending up together.
I've already told Kimi that I know she has commitment issues, and it seems she's at least aware of that enough to even admit it in public on stream. It needs to be understood that it's not an excuse here. It allows me to more easily understand why she's acted as she has up to now, but it doesn't excuse her if she's trying to ultimately avoid the consequences of the path we've both chosen to go down with each other. If she won't be with me, she doesn't only have commitment issues, she must be seriously delusionally positive about the outcome of her going down that path, and she must have serious mental health issues that she ultimately refuses to acknowledge and start dealing with properly and fixing.
I expect Kimi to never contact me if she doesn't fully intend to immediately start pursuing a serious romantic relationship with me. If she contacts me with any other intent, I'll become completely unresponsive and uncooperative as soon as it becomes clear, until and unless she eventually does start truly pursuing a serious romantic relationship with me. Since my primary focus in communicating with her would be to clearly establish the beginning of a serious romantic relationship and I'll be very straightforward about it, Kimi's intentions in talking to me should become obvious quite quickly. After everything I've had to go through, I have no desire to talk to her if she's just going to fuck around and continue to deny me of what I want and need if I'm not to end the world in the future.
I'm working so hard to earn respect and credibility with this book, but the fundamental premise of writing it involves my unwavering desire and intent to literally destroy the world if I don't get the only woman I can ever truly consider the love of my life and the absolutely perfectly voluptuous goddess of my wildest fantasies, the only reason I find any true meaning in continuing to at all care about being loving and constructive in this life among all the hatred and suffering I've had to endure being inflicted upon me.
This isn't a position one can hold with simply moderate conviction, especially if they want to truly deserve any significant degree of respect.
No matter how much respect I may receive for all the depth and intellectual and emotional content in this book, which should be a considerable amount by anyone with reasonable intellectual capacity, much, if not most or even possibly all of that is going to go down the drain if I threaten to end the world if I don't get a certain woman, and then I don't get her and I don't follow through on what I said. Not only would everyone start doubting and questioning the true extent of my capabilities far more than they already do and most likely still will even after reading this entire book, I'd definitely become an absolute laughing stock for having such terrible awareness of love and taste in emotional connections with women.
People already mock both my connection with Kimi as well as my claims and abilities, and that's certainly only going to get much worse in that case.
It doesn't matter how exactly Kimi reacts if she won't be with me, whether she's terribly sorry, laughing her ass off, or largely neutral and indifferent, and whether or not she tries at all in any other ways to compensate me for the resulting perpetual severe suffering I'd have to deal with; the outcome that I lose respect and credibility if I don't follow through remains all the same. Nobody will ever take me seriously enough, nor should they even if they want to, if I hold such strong convictions, get denied by someone in no position to deny me, and I don't put her in her place as I promised for being so disrespectful, along with putting everyone else in their place for supporting such disrespect, demonstrating massive disrespect themselves as a result. Not only that, but if I don't follow through, I wouldn't even be able to respect myself either.
With releasing this book, I put my future and the future of the world in Kimi's hands.
The respect I have for Kimi is respect that I want to give her and personally will always believe she deserves, no matter what anyone might say or think. I've already had several people insult both me as well as Kimi, telling me that Kimi's just a stupid hoe and that there are plenty of much better women out there that are much more deserving of my love and will treat me with more respect; that's complete bullshit.
When I was nothing, the whole time before I wrote this book, it was only Kimi who chose to give me any serious degree of love and affection at all. This whole time, she's been very consistent with continuing to have feelings towards me, even if it wasn't nearly as warm as I would've liked.
Given the situation, I can still try to understand. It's been complicated and she's been worried I don't really love her, the same way I've been worried she doesn't really love me. I've already told her that I can truly forgive her for everything if we end up together. Even Kimi herself doesn't think she deserves so much love from me and I've had to fight with her about it. She's really cute sometimes.
She made it very obvious to me, from before I ever once told her I love her, that she's no stranger to one night stands. If that was something I ever really cared about, I would've never pursued her. As long as she treats me right if we're actually in an official romantic relationship, I don't care how many people she's had fun with in the past, and in fact I'm happy she had her fun and experiences and got her curiosity for it out of her system. Her openness and consistency with continuing to be affectionate towards me demonstrates far more respect towards me than any other potential romantic partner can ever show me in the future as far as I'm concerned.
Anyone else that may try pursuing me in the future, especially people I knew already that didn't really give me any attention until later, would be the real hoes.
Nobody can ever make me feel so loved, wanted, and special like Kimi does.
I've heard that according to a study, if you get your heart broken by the first person you ever fall in love with, you're 83% likely to keep having it broken again and again.
I'm not sure which study, and maybe there isn't even actually such a study, but the foundation of the statement seems quite sound. If how your romantic relationships tend to be follows a similar pattern, it makes sense to believe the pattern will continue unless you grow and change considerably. If you grow and change considerably and even still your relationships follow the same pattern, then you're only left able to believe that how you fundamentally feel and express love may simply not be compatible with ever having a lasting relationship.
You know what my first love, Kathy, did to me?
I was madly in love with her and I gave her attention for 4 years, she went out of her way to lead me on the whole time and leave me convinced I should keep trying to pursue her and show her affection, getting her a lot of attention from many, and in the end, I never had anything remotely close to a relationship with her. I never even kissed her. I never even held her fucking hand. How she'd dealt with our connection left me even more alienated from others than I already was from being super socially awkward and lacking confidence as a child, and in the end, I'd went through so much pain and put so much effort and it wasn't even remotely worth it.
I'd think about her every day a lot.
The last time I ever spoke to her, many years ago, she casually laughed off my feelings and was all "haha, we're all cool though, right?"
I hadn't tried nearly as hard for her as I've tried for Kimi, so although I felt really fucked up, I accepted there must be better for me and just tried reasoning with myself that I hadn't tried hard enough so I didn't deserve her.
However, my heart grew very cold. I already had so much trouble trusting people because of all the abuse I've had to go through as a child, and a girl so casually tossing my long-term intense feelings in the garbage like a joke she had fun with left me feeling like I'd really never be able to love a girl again.
When I looked at Chloe, the one time years after Kathy that I fell in love with a girl, I saw that the same kind of thing had happened, the exact details were just different. I'd changed from elementary to high school for sure, but it clearly wasn't enough to break the cycle. I knew there certainly was more room for me to grow and mature mentally, so I remained hopeful.
When I became a Permanent Chief of the Shadow Confederation and realized I really could single-handedly destroy the world, I thought it was my fate to do so. I reached what I knew was the pinnacle of fundamental psychological development, but I was left in a situation seemingly more difficult than ever to try to reach for a relationship from.
I knew I needed a woman I could really trust and feel deep love with, but I felt it'd be impossible to find such a person. I knew I wasn't going to find them in a bar or club or something similar, I had no friends to introduce me to girls (not that I found that all that great of a way to meet a girl in the first place), and I wasn't gonna go randomly talk to girls on the streets, because I knew what I was looking for was a very specific kind of girl and taking massive shots in the dark like that was going to be extremely hit or miss, with a very high miss rate, even if the girl didn't straight up reject me, plus it'd take way too much time out of my career development plans to be a viable part of my lifestyle. On the other hand, I'd never be able to properly form a relationship with trust with a woman I found valuable if I just focused on my career and becoming extremely successful first, since my position would make it very difficult for me to trust any woman that would express attraction towards me was doing so sincerely.
I really felt fucked up and more and more depressed every day. I wondered if I'd just end up killing myself to make the pain go away at a time when I thought it never would. Going on Twitch and randomly fucking around with girls was something I did to try to comfort myself a little at a time I felt very low and figured I'd end up either killing myself or in isolation for sure sooner or later.
And then I found Kimi.
When I first saw her, her beauty and charisma immediately stood out to me so much that I didn't even feel confident enough to say anything to her. I said a few things to her on Jaime's stream the very first time I ever actually interacted with her, and I felt this intense chemistry I'd never felt with someone. Still, at that point, I felt she was so pretty and popular and lived at such a distance that I had no confidence to continue even talking to her, especially since I felt like I had to try to figure my life out somehow first. I never forgot how she made me feel, and I knew I wanted to talk to her again. It took becoming a Permanent Chief of the Shadow Confederation with a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension before I even felt confident enough to say more than a few words to her, but once I started, it was a lot more than a few words I said.
How I've felt every time has always been so special.
When I first saw her in person, we locked eyes instantly, she walked right up to me first among everyone else in that meetup, and she looked at me with a wonderful smile and told me, "You're a new face, I haven't seen you before!" and hugged me very warmly... It was so much warmer than I ever thought she'd be to me. I knew how I felt then was a way nobody else would ever be able to make me feel.
I told Kimi she was the one for me in one of the very first conversations I had with her in DMs. I already told her I'd never forget her the very first time I met her, and she said it to me too, and not only that, but she said it to me FIRST.
I've reached the point now where I'm literally ready to marry her right now if I could. I've invested my entire life, and the fucking fate of humanity, into my relationship with her. I've written a huge book for her, and even have more recently taken the time to clean it up and make it much more impressive, intense, and clear than it originally was. She hasn't even talked to me, and I'm giving her all the love I can give her constantly, ready to give even more without hesitation if she does.
I've always had way more chemistry with Kimi than anyone else in her life ever did. People just don't see it because Kimi hides it, probably because she feels really guilty about treating me how she does despite all her warm feelings towards me.
If I don't get Kimi, what I would've experienced with her would be a much more brutal version of what happened to me with my first love. Knowing this is scientifically 83% likely to continue in one way or another is extremely disturbing to me. Actually so disturbing that I wouldn't even remotely consider trying ever again if things with Kimi don't work. I'm not just saying that, and I really hope I won't have to show it.
Even if the 83% statistic is inaccurate or even straight up made up, the foundation to believe it is so strong that I'd believe it's much more than 83% likely I'd never be able to have a lasting relationship. The consistent pattern I've experienced in the past regarding women I've been romantically interested in continuing and even escalating to the most brutal extent, even despite (and perhaps one may even argue because of) me reaching the pinnacle of my psychological development, would be the clearest indicator I could ever be given that there's no way I'll ever be able to have a proper romantic relationship with anyone, no matter how badly I want it or how much I try to make it work and deserve it.
I don't just think Kimi's the one for me, I know it. Even if she doesn't feel how I think she does, I know I feel this way about her and it's never changing. I don't care what anyone says or does or what happens to me in my life ever, this is a conviction I'll hold with absolute certainty to my death. Even if she doubts our connection at first, I know I can add so much value to her life that she'll feel very warm to me no matter what sooner or later; I don't think it'll be later anyways, given how epic I know our relationship would be from day one if it was official.
Do you even understand how great a relationship with me would be for Kimi?
She'd gain way more popularity than she could ever get from being with someone else. If I start dating Kimi, I'll get so much attention for her with my book and personality that people from all kinds of different communities, even from out of Twitch, will discover her, and she'll grow much more than she ever would dating someone else. Not already having a considerable following doesn't even matter when I'm such a fucking savage I wrote a huge book that asserts I'm one of a few of the most powerful people in the world and proves it with even going so far as to have started a global pandemic because Kimi initially pushed me away. The initial attention from me and Kimi starting to officially date would catapult both of us into a much larger level of fame very quickly.
Kimi definitely wants that.
Professional aspects aside, she knows how attentive, sensitive, caring, loving, understanding, and passionate I'd be with her on a personal level too. I'd really make her feel like the queen of the world and the queen of my world. She'd never question it. She'd never want to question it.
No matter what she may have told anyone else, she's not stupid, she knows this is how things are, and she wants it badly. This is what I genuinely believe.
If I don't get Kimi, any fame I would even get would fucking suck.
People would consider me a snake for using Kimi for attention, and even more of one for accepting fame and other rewards without her despite saying I wouldn't, going so far as to use a pandemic to validate that attention. Discord would hate me even more. Twitch would hate me even more. Twitter would hate me even more. The police would have no reason to believe my life is much better off if they just drop the charges or go very easy on the sentence. Everyone as a whole would hate me and the vast majority of the attention I'd get would be very negative.
Even if these things somehow didn't end up being true or as severe as I imagine they'd be, which is already extremely unlikely, whatever positive attention I get, I wouldn't care for it because I'd be so depressed, livid, devastated, heartbroken, and filled with hatred and despair that I wouldn't give any fucks to want to talk to anyone unless it's to hurt people before going into complete isolation to prepare to destroy the world.
I already know that the most valuable thing in the world to me will always be having a very deep, meaningful, loving, healthy romantic relationship and eventually marriage with a woman I love very deeply and want to spend my life with. If I ever learned this was unattainable for me, even if I already had a bunch of money and fame at that point, it'd all instantly become completely meaningless that very moment. Knowing that it's unattainable without even having a lot of money nor fame only makes any kind of pursuit of those things that much more meaningless and undesirable to me.
If I were to ever settle for essentially letting Kimi get away, in one way or another, with having the kind of connection with me that she does and it not resulting in a life-long romantic relationship and eventually marriage with her for me, then that very clearly sets a precedent for every other woman I'd ever have any even remotely deep connection with that she not only can but should take advantage of me and eventually leave me sooner or later; not only would she have seen a woman so brutally get away with it, but since I would've allowed it despite being in a position where I very clearly didn't have to do so, any potential partner I could have would be left under the impression I don't actually ever want a lasting romantic relationship with anyone, regardless of however I'd attempt to do my best to show I do.
If Kimi won't spend her life with me, it doesn't even matter if she's willing to sleep with me at this point or not; things are completely fucked either way if I don't get to be with her forever. If she sleeps with me, other women would be left thinking they can inflict any kind of fuckery on me and use me however they like, and as long as they at least sleep with me, I'll accept it. If she doesn't sleep with me, other women would be left thinking they can inflict any kind of fuckery on me and use me however they like, and they don't even have to sleep with me and I'll accept it. Ending up in either of these scenarios is fucking terrifying, devastating, and completely unacceptable to me under any circumstances.
My life is going to be absolute fucking dog shit without Kimi, no matter how other aspects of it turn out in that case. This was never up for debate.
There's no set of circumstances where I both don't get Kimi and don't end up going into isolation and destroying the world. If I don't get Kimi, that means that the world is not giving me the level of respect that I deserve for my power and abilities, therefore I need to demonstrate it in the only way possible left that would give me any degree of satisfaction, which is going into isolation and destroying everything when I come out. If the world is to give me the respect I deserve and recognize that I am indeed fucking awesome, then there's absolutely no reason why I should ever have to give up on Kimi.
I'll give up on Kimi if we're not officially dating soon, but there's already no good reason I ever have to move on from her, nor will there ever be. I never will move on from her. If society thinks I have to move on from her and that's the final verdict, then I'm moving on from society. In the same fashion that nobody cared about me in trying to convince me to move on when I shouldn't, I won't care about anyone when I come back to destroy everything and everyone.
The completion and release of this book is going to mark the end of something for me in my life. I'm not sure whether that's going to be the end of all my perpetual suffering, misery, hating life and everyone else in life, and being drastically underwhelmed, disrespected, unappreciated, and unsatisfied with everything I've ever done and got in life despite my immense efforts, or if it's going to be the end of me trying to care about anything ever again, having tried my hardest to do everything in my power to avoid becoming completely destructive and yet ending up in the world simply deciding that it is my fate to destroy everything instead.
Basically, it's either the end of my immense suffering or it's the end of the immense suffering that desperately hoping that there is an actual end to my immense suffering that isn't extremely destructive has been causing. Either my position is so miserable that not only is it as bad as I'm so worried it is but I'm also destined to desperately be given just enough hope to believe that it's not until it all comes crashing down and I realize it's actually terrible, so it's even worse because I was literally on a leash desperately hoping and trying my hardest to be constructive to the last moment until I could actually just completely clearly see that I was being the stupidest motherfucker on the planet, or it was a massive struggle and I was really miserable while I was going through it, but it was all worth it in the end and I'm going to get my dream to come true.
I started writing this book thinking that Kimi had just been messing with me and she'd finally had enough amusement from me and was getting ready to finally kick me out of her life for good, but she surprised me. As she continued to show seemingly more and more serious affection, my hope that it's possible she loves me remained.
She started expressing such desire that I felt it was necessary to open up more than I ever had before to see how she'd react, directly communicating to her via her personal email address that I have. I thought she'd be disgusted and it would end any possibility for a loving connection, but she ended up being really receptive to my messages about touching myself to her. She even went out of her way on multiple occasions after I started this direct communication to do things that I specifically told her would be really arousing to me. She seems to be a lot more receptive and warm to my intimacy towards her than I ever thought she would be. It really seems almost like a dream to me, and at the same time it makes so much sense.
Her reaction to my communication with her leading up to the release of this book is actually continuing to give me hope that I may not have to fucking destroy the world in the end and that I'll actually get my dream relationship and life with Kimi instead. Either that's happening because it's actually true and I really do have a chance to actually get what I've always wanted and be in an extremely loving and healthy relationship with Kimi in my life forever, or it's her being a massive bitch and life kicking me when I'm already down even harder, me being led even more than I already have in so much of my life to believe that I have reason to hope for a good outcome when really there isn't one; if it's the latter, it's the last time that life manipulates me into thinking that it's not as shit as I've been disillusioned into my perspective being that it truly is.
I'm writing this book with the complete intention to follow through on officially dating Kimi if she chooses to pursue a romantic relationship with me, exactly in the same fashion that I have the complete intention to follow through on going into complete isolation to meditate extensively using quantum energy harvesting meditation techniques in preparation to single-handedly destroy the entire world.
I really can't tell which is the case but only know that so far, at least emotionally, I feel better about getting what I want being a reality than I did before I started writing this book, when I was really with extremely low hope that it could ever happen. For all the uncertainty I face, what I know is that I really want what I want, and even though I went through so much, I still don't think that it wouldn't be worth it if I actually get what I want in the end, so I'm just left really hoping that I get what I want because that's what I wanted this whole time.
I don't want to have to end the world, I just know that I definitely will if I don't get what I want and therefore become absolutely certain that I'll definitely never be anything close to happy. All that leaves me with is the hope that the world doesn't want to be destroyed, and that if there's some notion of destiny to be believed that it is in my destiny that I get to be in that very loving relationship with Kimi that I've wanted for years instead of having to destroy everything.
Without Kimi, my life is literally worse than that of a starving kid in Africa with AIDS. The starving kid in Africa with AIDS knows their life is short, knows their capabilities are limited, and knows that they just have to try their hardest to survive and just find happiness in the little things in life. I've been unfortunate enough to have an insane struggle while having just enough to still at least have the hope that things get better constantly dangling in front of my face, while very clearly having to deal daily with the fact that things aren't actually getting any better. I put in an immense effort every single day of my life to take my shitty as fuck circumstances and try to turn things around, because I saw hope, I saw potential, and I made goals and dreams. I took my desires and I busted my ass every single day trying to achieve them, and yet I'm not seeing any real fruits of my labor whatsoever. It's been like this for far too long now, and this book is my final attempt. I've made up my mind and it's never changing.
Unlike a kid in Africa, not only did I actually try insanely hard to change my life around, I actually very seemingly had potential to do so. If a kid in Africa can't escape their circumstances, people pity them and believe they're just really unlucky. But if I can't escape my circumstances, I'm just a pathetic, lazy, incompetent piece of shit. If despite all my potential and all my immense efforts, I still just get crushed and now not only did I not get anything I wanted but I had to try so hard only to fail just as hard, I literally am in a more unfortunate situation than a kid in Africa because that kid never tried and never failed, or if they did try, they didn't really have much potential to begin with, so if they failed, it's not going to be soul-crushing, it'll simply be something they accepted as the probable reality before even trying.
I'm trying my absolute hardest, and if I can try so hard and get so far and yet I still failed like hell, now I would end up far more devastated than that kid in Africa could ever experience devastation. Someone born into really unfortunate circumstances may feel unlucky, they may feel hopeless, they may feel helpless, they may feel scared, sad, angry; they may feel many kinds of negative emotions, but the kind of devastation that you would feel from seeing so much potential, having so much hope, trying so fucking hard, and failing so fucking miserably is such an immense pain that simply being hopeless in the first place, even as bad as it is, could never compare.
Something very important to understand is that in writing this book, others should not seek to attempt to influence me to change my position and try to change my life, but rather that this book was written to influence others and try to change their lives, and that any changes in my life should only be a ripple effect as a result of that, not out of all of those people trying to help me in some way they have a preconceived notion will be helpful. Effectively, the only person in the entire world that I'll actually want to talk to and be willing to accept any kind of help from, at least certainly initially, is Kimi Park.
As long as you're over there thinking that I'm a dumbass that just doesn't see things clearly enough and needs your help to see the light instead of understanding that you're the dumbass for thinking I'm one and you're the one that actually needs my help to see the light, you're not going to make any real progress in truly understanding my perspective and what the state of objective reality currently actually is.
I know that if I follow through on starting drama if Kimi continues to resist a proper relationship with me without it, it'll put so much pressure on her to be with me, sooner or later, that she should do it. I know that I've tried extremely hard for a relationship with her and deserve her. I know that it doesn't really make much sense to believe she's acted as she has until now if she doesn't really have a lot of loving feelings for me or doesn't actually want to be with medeep in her heart, no matter how much she may make it seem otherwise.
Still, I've been really concerned that even if I go through with it, I may not get what I want, and that somehow I may have missed something, and if I don't get what I want, I'll be left feeling even more devastated forever that I lost the girl of my dreams, but not simply because the world is extremely cruel, unfair, and deserves the massive destruction I'll undoubtedly bring to it in that case, but because I fucked up and didn't do something that I should've to make my relationship with Kimi work.
I'm not concerned about that anymore.
I really held off on causing any kind of scene for quite some time after coming out of jail, due to wanting to do my best to make sure I've made my feelings, intentions, and desires as clear as possible to Kimi and others in her life. With things between us being so complicated, I needed to make sure I worked things through and got sufficient feedback from Kimi to hopefully be able to feel confident that my position and desires are understood clearly, and that my intentions behind whatever actions I take moving forward are very clear.
I was able to reach that point.
Kimi ended up having a stream where she expressed that she had ended up going to therapy, within a couple months of me turning myself in and allowing myself to be subjected to intense scrutiny by mental health professionals in a mental hospital in my best attempt to work towards making things work in my relationship with her (without her knowing at the time), because she used to get very angry at "people" (which given the context, I knew she was thinking and indirectly talking about me when she said it) for not living up to her expectations, disappointing her, not doing certain things, not following through on things, being flaky, being a bad person... until she realized that it was just a projection of herself.
With the things she listed and how she followed it up with admitting those attributes were really things she'd demonstrated, I feel certain she was talking about feelings she was having related to me. She said that she hasn't gotten angry at anyone but herself ever since she started going to therapy and started to understand herself better. Given the context, this made it very clear to me she's trying to communicate she hasn't gotten angry at me like she used to; this means she's overall quite clearly trying to communicate to me that she's changed.
I believe her.
She literally followed that dialogue up immediately with talking about how she wishes she could cry on stream but how she feels like she just can't allow herself to be that vulnerable to the public. She even admitted she feels it's not very healthy that she's that way. I can understand how she feels quite well; I know I'd have a lot of difficulty ever crying in public for any reason as well. Simply hearing her express these thoughts how she did, and with the timing and context as it was, made the picture seem pretty clear to me what she was thinking. She already feels like she wants to cry because of how bad she feels about how she's treated me, even though it terrifies her to put herself in that vulnerable of a position in public.
I found this quite touching. I don't need to see her cry in public to know her loving feelings towards me are genuine if she starts showing me more clear affection. I never did. I'd be fine even with her acting pretty intense about her affection towards me and telling me that she loves me extremely intensely and I'd better mean it when I say I'll be with her forever. I really just want her to be honest and warmer to me already.
Not very long after, the topic was switched to Pokemon, but even with that topic, Kimi found a way to be, as I see it, warm and encouraging towards me.
"Magikarps are the most inspiring Pokemon in the entire Pokeworld. The most useless little fish turns into a fricking Gyarados; are you kidding me? Like, if you just believe in yourself, if you just keep going and you keep believing in yourself, then you can also become a Gyarados, you know?"
Kimi mentioned that she had recently been obsessing with self-improvement and wanted to push herself more. She said that since she wanted to do so many things, it made her realize how much she felt she was lacking at the moment, and that it was stressing her out and making her feel sad. It hurt to hear that. I never wanted to make her feel inadequate and stressed out about it when she's the woman of my dreams exactly as she is.
Not very long after, she went on to talk about viewers having a crush on her, or perhaps that they used to. When people naturally started telling her pretty quickly not to be full of herself, she expressed that she was mentioning it because "maybe" she "used to" have a crush on certain viewers too. She then went on to say that she knows for certain that there's someone that does, because her and her manager's emails are being "flooded" with love letters.
Several of her friends tuned into that stream and made their presence in chat known, showing their support for what she was doing. When combined with the things Kimi said, it left me with a very strong feeling that although Kimi probably isn't willing to talk to me directly without me starting any drama whatsoever, and perhaps isn't even willing to simply open up and admit her real feelings if faced with an initial confrontation on her stream from me even if it's gentle and affectionate, that she really badly hopes I pursue forcing her to directly deal with the reality of the situation as it is, by starting drama in other streams as I said I would, doing so with the clear message that I need a very serious official romantic relationship with her in my life and I won't settle for any less, as I promised her I would.
It makes me very happy.
As I follow through with everything I've promised, I'll make it completely clear that Kimi was right about her anger towards me before she went to therapy being projected feelings about herself. At the same time though, I'll make it completely clear that her fears and concerns about being hated by me, not being understood by me, not being good enough for me, and not being wanted by me, are also all wrong, and that she should stop feeling so guilty about everything and understand that she still really does have the chance to make things right and have a proper relationship with me, instead of drowning herself in guilt and self-pity and heading down an extremely destructive and unhealthy path.
We're both extremely unique and deserve more attention anyways. I shouldn't be so concerned about bringing attention to things. There really is a lot on the line here after all, and not even just for my life or Kimi's life, but the entire world. I've already started considerable drama once back when I felt hopeless, so it makes a lot of sense that Kimi would want and even feel that she needs even more drama before she feels comfortable fully committing to being with me, now that it's clear I'm pursuing a positive direction with our connection and I also have very good reason to believe I'll get what I want.
I want it to be known that if we're together, I'll defend Kimi without hesitation from anyone that tries to bash on her for any reason related to our relationship, and you'd best believe I'll do a damn good job at it.
I know she's really worried I won't go through with things. I can also see that when she's expressing her authentic self, she's working towards a positive resolution instead of a destructive outcome, knowing I've constantly been doing my best to make it clear to her that the only possible positive resolution to this situation is if we end up together. She knows she's communicated this to me and I have very good reason to believe that I'll get what I want if I follow through on what I've promised her.
She still has a chance to make things right and be with me. I'm not giving up on her, even if I have to start some drama to really get her attention, show her how serious I am, and force her to make a clear and final decision on how to proceed with the future of our relationship and therefore also the future of humanity.
My connection with Kimi has reached the point where I can and will cause so much drama, if she's completely resistant to ever being with me, that her presence on Twitch will become so problematic she'll eventually get permanently banned. With going through with starting any and all drama with the clear sole intent of being entirely set on and unwilling to compromise about demanding an official romantic relationship leading to marriage with Kimi, I'm fully committing to spending my life with her such that if we were to ever break up for any reason, I'd lose not only the love of my life, but also many friends and fans, and probably end up having to leave behind all the fame I would've acquired. Since committing myself to Kimi so fully seems only fair, given how committed she already is to me whether she likes it or not, and I've already admitted many times that I won't care about any of that stuff if I don't have her anyways, I can understand that she'd have a strong desire to see me follow through on it; I don't have any problem with doing so.
I want it to be known that I made it extremely clear to Kimi, with her manager and multiple friends as witnesses, that she has the full opportunity, right up until the moment before drama starts, to communicate with me directly and stop me from having to start drama. If I end up having to do it, that means that Kimi forced me to do so, acknowledging full well that she left me with no other option and effectively asked for it in the clearest way possible by not communicating directly with me to effectively stop it.