Throughout my journey of life, there are some individuals who have had a very significant impact in my life, in one way or another, to such an extent that I want to specifically mention it here.
Obviously, there's Kimi, the woman of my dreams, the person I consider the love of my life and the one and only person I consider to be anywhere close to my insanely high standards and who somehow, for better or worse, put herself in a position where she will be the deciding factor for humanity's fate. I'm truly uncertain at this point where my connection with her will ultimately end up, as it's a very complicated situation, and I don't know how her feelings towards me have and will develop over time. But there are several other individuals who I also find worth mentioning as well.
There have been a few individuals who had a positive impact in my life in a very real way. For the ones that interacted with me, although I may be uncertain of their true feelings towards me and their true reasons for helping me however they did, they didn't seem to harbor malicious intent towards me, and still were ultimately helpful and kind enough to me to earn my respect and appreciation. Even the ones that never spoke a word to me. For the ones that perhaps didn't even necessarily have much if any direct interaction with me, they must've still had some really significant impact in my life that makes me very grateful they exist to the point I find it appropriate to mention them and at least a little message explaining their contribution to my life.
There were also some individuals that had a much less enjoyable impact in my life in a very real way. From the initial version of this book, they are hopefully already aware at the very least that I don't appreciate being disrespected or looked down upon in any way. Most of those people I mentioned were actually celebrities with considerable followings, and the truth is that I included such individuals' names the way I did much more for shock value to maximize potential exposure and attention the initial version of this book got, than out of seriously hard feelings towards them.
That being said, their actions will still certainly not be looked at by me in a favorable light should I end up without the kind of relationship with Kimi that I've been after and therefore invariably end up deeply disturbed to the point of isolating myself from society in preparation of exacting my extremely brutal retribution upon this world for all the deep wrongs I've had to endure, but I think they're plenty aware of that at this point. More importantly, considering the possibility that I could somehow end up with Kimi, considering how I addressed these people in the initial version of the book, I find it appropriate to provide my true, much more level-headed perspective on their existence, so as not to make my previous statements a barrier in Kimi's possible decision to look at our connection much more favorably.
As much of their behavior that I experienced the effects of is behavior that they obviously intentionally obfuscated such that it could possibly be considered slander to assert with complete conviction that they indeed were the ones behind the behavior and/or it was conscious and intentional to the effect that I experienced, you may choose to believe that I'm simply misinterpreting things I experienced, if it makes you feel better. I'm mentioning these things simply to express my perspective, not to attempt to damage the reputation of these individuals.
I find it most pertinent to start off by very potently stating that I have some personal information on Kimi I could've leaked that, especially with more aggressive actions from my end pursuing some kind of at least more immediate justice for what currently appears to be extremely predatory behavior I've had to endure having inflicted upon me by Kimi for the past 5 and a half years, will most certainly ultimately result in her being brutally permanently cancelled and unable to ever really become a public figure in any remotely significant capacity again, as she should be if she's truly been leading me on as severely brutally relentlessly and unapologetically all these years as it appears she has been.
This personal information that I have on Kimi is backed by legal paperwork that I obtained as a part of my criminal case disclosure documents during dealing with the criminal charges I dealt with as a result of the release of the initial public revision of my book, and in the event that Kimi makes it once and for all extremely painfully clear that she's truly an extremely predatory, completely irredeemable unapologetic psychopath that never loved me, never will love me, and completely deserves having The Great Retribution exacted upon her and everyone she loves in the future, I most certainly plan to release this irrefutable evidence that backs my assertions in regards to this personal information I assert that I have.
The reason I'm still currently refraining from doing so is because I truly love her extremely deeply and still want to hold on to whatever little speck of hope I can, to the very last possible moment that it makes any real sense, that maybe she will drastically change her attitude and behavior towards me, and she will end up committing to spending her life with me in an extremely loving, warm, healthy, consensual romantic and sexual relationship and eventually marriage, before it's too late and I truly once and for all lose all hope of it ever happening or even being possible, and therefore start to truly eternally invariably unwaveringly entirely unappeasably deeply resent and despise society and humanity as a whole and as a result start completely unapologetically heading down the path of becoming an extremely brutal unapologetic heartless dictator of the world that kills and destroys in mass for fun.
I've been to jail on two separate bits and got a 13.5 month sentence, detained because of the initial version of this book, which was catalyzed by this woman. My last bit was about 5 months, which is already the longest period of time she hasn't heard from me in over 4.5 years, since I first entered her life.
I miss Kimi extremely deeply every single day. Not the fuckery and abusive shit, of course, but I know things would be very different if this connection could ever possibly continue in a positive direction. I've thought about it a lot. A lot.
Given how she's reacted multiple times in the past to me being gone, I imagine she's probably going through some existential thoughts here and there at the very least, even if she's not talking about it in public.
I mean, we're talking about someone that had a legit mental breakdown and practically started crying on stream saying she felt a serious lack of motivation within a couple months of me distancing myself from her the first time I seriously did so. I really wish I had the clip for that, but to be completely honest, I never saved it. I thought I'd end up just snapping at her for the extreme severity of the mixed messages she was constantly giving me, getting banned from all her shit, and she'd just completely forget about me and that would be the end of that and I'd end up starting to meditate in isolation shortly thereafter... But regardless, I've had years of dealing with her at this point, and I think I know her well enough to know this without even looking.
Knowing her, she probably did something like dye her hair pink or purple or both (pink and purple are my favorite colors and she knows it) on my birthday (May 22nd). Even though I sat in jail for months and she couldn't get any kind of feedback from me, I feel pretty sure she still couldn't just forget me.
Highly doubt she got banned on Twitch or even really ever came close as a result of her behavior. That never bothered me; the higher she rises while I'm preparing for The Great Retribution, the more satisfying it'll be to take it all away from her when the time comes. I wouldn't be surprised, though, if she's finally sobering up enough to at least sometimes contemplate on how deeply disturbed I must feel and how mortifying for many people the outcome will invariably be if she seriously wants to commit to becoming the worst of enemies with me instead of being with me. She probably also often thinks about and misses how much I'd turn her on as I was pursuing her.
I know I have an extremely strong character. If you know of me to any considerable extent, you either love me or you hate me. Kimi knows me better than anyone else in the entire world. If she hasn't been acting the way she has out of secret extremely deep love for me, then she truly extremely deeply hates me and resents my existence, for which the extremely deep resulting spite caused her to torture me so unapologetically as she likely continues to attempt to do to the most severe extent.
I doubt she can just forget how I came into her life at a time when she still felt uncertain if the whole streaming thing could even really work out for her long-term as a career. From the first time I talked to her, back at that janky laptop stream on Jaime's channel, I could tell she felt something towards me.
After giving talking to her in her channel a shot a few months later, she decided to fly out to Toronto, a place she'd already recently been to for a meetup before I joined her community, for the second time within 3 months for another meetup, the first and only time she's ever done such a thing in her entire career. Not even a few hours after we first met, all I could think about was how dreamy she was and how much attraction she had shown towards me, even going so far as to tell me at the end of the meetup that she'd never forget me, and I already didn't care if I made myself look like a complete idiot tweeting at her confessing my love for her and sharing it with Jaime's Discord.
I started sending her DMs on Discord, and she'd always respond. I kept trying even though she told me nothing would ever happen. I made her feel so special and wanted and inspired her and excited her at a time when she still wasn't over her ex and felt like a complete mess between being uncertain of her future career prospects and feeling lost, abandoned, and hopeless in her romantic prospects. At least that's the picture she painted to me.
I'd watch every single stream she had and actively chat every time, feeling really happy to be able to communicate with her and wanting to always do my best to give her that energy and vibe. I'd have interesting conversations with people in her Discord often, and we both knew she was watching everything I'd say with excitement.
I'm definitely a significantly contributing factor to the reason she felt confident enough to start messing around with random guys in public, because I changed my Twitch username to AngelsShatteredWings within like a month after meeting her and starting to DM her, and made us look like something. Even though she could see that very clearly, she never asked me to change it and she knew she loved it and she owned it.
I literally brought it up to her in DMs shortly after doing it, and she didn't seem the slightest bit upset, much less express any desire to have me change it or go away. I was amazed. I thought for sure she'd be pissed and tell me I had to leave or she'd ban me. I wouldn't have been able to blame her if she had, and I'm sure she knew that.
I'm definitely a significantly contributing factor to what pushed her to feel confident enough to try making a streamer house that ended up being Just Friends, even if it was so spontaneous that it fell apart after a few months. I probably had something to do with that as well.
I'm definitely a significantly contributing factor to why she's went through so much personal growth and she looks at life so much differently than she did more than 4 years ago, with all my walls after walls of text I've sent her, constantly pouring out my heart to her with all the emotion I have and trying to teach and inspire her with all the knowledge I could find relevance to share every step of the way.
I remember when she called my first "long" message an "essay". It just made me wonder what she'd consider the much longer messages I knew I was willing to write and send her, if that small message was already an essay to her. I never thought she'd actually end up taking things so insanely far and making me feel certain she's read every word of every message I've ever sent her. I'm still amazed about it to this day.
I know it must've made her feel some type of way when she saw how eager I was to jump back into her life right after seeing her have even just one mental breakdown because she missed me a lot the first time I distanced myself from her, and I know I've made her feel some type of way by still being able to touch her so deeply even while having really broken communication with her for the whole time since then. First, it was Discord DMs, then messaging Leslie, then messaging Mickey, then e-mails directly to her personal e-mail address, then mass e-mailing her along with several of her friends and manager and even eventually Twitch staff... It's gotten pretty crazy.
I've captured and tried so hard to maintain her attention for all these years that until I turned myself in and went to jail, I was paying extremely close attention and knew she was starting off pretty much every single stream with music inspired by her thoughts towards our connection and often extending that throughout much of the stream, either through bits of rhetoric sprinkled within different activities, or through extended dialogue in sit down and talk sessions. I wouldn't be surprised if I've continued to inspire dialogues she's had on stream.
If she was mine, I'd put her in a position of queen status that nobody else could ever put her in, and I'd do it while making her feel so loved in a way that nobody else could ever make her feel. She wouldn't just feel like queen of the world, she would be queen of the world. I've told her this, and she knows the kind of weight behind it. I imagine it makes her feel some type of way.
I've truly tried insanely hard to see the best in her when probably just about anyone else in the world would call me extremely delusional for ever imagining that she's not just a massive piece of shit that unapologetically used and abused me and has zero love for me period. I love her so much that even the possibility of not spending my life with her deeply disturbs me, and I just know I always need to do my best to show her I'll never be able to accept that happening, which was the reasoning I was following to decide it was necessary to say some pretty harsh and sometimes even dark things at certain points. But at this point, that kind of stuff makes me seem really hateful and unhinged to entertain detailed dialogue of, and would only sabotage my connection with her, which I want to make as clear as possible isn't what I'm going for here. However, I maintain that I wasn't joking about how serious my feelings for her are.
As of this moment in time, it seems that Kimi mercilessly, relentlessly, and unapologetically used me for knowledge, affection, and inspiration to the furthest extent she possibly could, then heartlessly continues to use every last drop of functionality she can see in her connection with me to earn her more attention and pity, not giving the slightest fuck how I feel, to the point where it seems quite clear that she wouldn't even really care if I committed suicide over this. Even then, she could pretend that she really cares when it comes to her being in front of the camera, and have gotten all the use out of me that she did, have me end up killing myself and no longer presenting her with any threat in her life, without her having to compensate me in the slightest for everything I've given her and done for her, and then get to reap the benefits of yet even more attention and pity by people that look at her more favorably in society over me because the world is just that fucked up of a place.
If that were to happen, I'll have been used to hell and driven to suicide, and she gets to pretend to be sad and care in front of the camera, as if it wasn't entirely her fault I ended up killing myself, and get free content and most likely donations out of it. I would've ended up dead because I genuinely loved and trusted her with all of my heart, trying to see the best in her when there was nothing good to see and she was really an extremely deceptive monster psychopath.
Despite everything, I still love her extremely deeply. I've been choosing to believe there's an extremely precious and beautiful side to her that she just hasn't felt right expressing to me yet. I still care about her so much that I've literally written and extensively revised a fucking huge book to try to get to be with her instead of so many other cruel options. I still feel such a deep emotional connection that mentally attracts me to her because I know I'll never feel this way towards anyone else ever in my life, and on top of that, she literally has the most perfectly voluptuous goddess body of anyone in the world as far as I'm concerned, so my attraction to her is extremely strong physically too. I've already described what kinds of things I'll do to her if I really have to take the dark route in my life, and I can guarantee that if she really did all this wanting to work towards that kind of an outcome, I'll be doing all of that to her absolutely unapologetically at the time of The Great Retribution.
To say she has a powerful presence in my life is a massive understatement. Kimi is part of what gives my life meaning.
She's ultimately the reason I even cared to write a book, and for better or worse, I'll love her forever and need her in my life forever, or I know I'll start heading down an extremely destructive path and ultimately the world will be destroyed.
I know we've never dated. I know we're not friends. I don't know what we are. Something right on the borderline between extremely deeply in love and extremely dangerously obsessed with each other? I know the attention I've given her isn't stalking. I know the attention she's given me isn't stalking. We both clearly asked for it.
I don't know about her, but I didn't do this out of any kind of sadistic or masochistic tendencies. I didn't enjoy any of the abuse and fuckery. I just have extremely high and specific standards, and she's by far the only person that's come anywhere close to meeting all of them. This whole time, I've just really wanted things to work out positively and for us to be together, get married, and live happily ever after for a very long time to come, training in quantum energy arts and ruling the world together.
If she's genuinely just hated me this whole time and continues to... She should know she deserves the very unfortunate future that's ahead. If she's wanted what I've wanted too, it should be painfully clear to her that she's only hurting me, herself, everyone around her, and ultimately the whole world by continuing to be distant and driving us apart into deep hatred of each other.
I'm seriously uncertain if she's an extremely precious person that's just been deeply hurt in her life and has a lot of humanity and handles her pain in a way with a lot of strength that I've never seen and doubt I'll ever see in another person, or if she's just some extremely fucked up sadistic massive psychopath future serial killer that was probably born with some extremely fucked up lack of proper human emotion and is just extremely good at manipulating everyone into believing that she's human. Though quite unfortunately, it seems like the latter is the case.
So she really thinks I'm a delusional moron, huh? That I don't deserve her love? Even after I release a several hundred page book asserting that I rule the world, and licensed mental health professionals are terrified of how real and raw I am? I'm a clown and don't deserve to have her love and be with her forever, even if it's what I want more than anything else in the whole world?
Well, I'll find out in the near future. But I'm certainly not keeping my hopes up. I'm not fucking delusional.
I still and will forever wish we could've been lovers instead of enemies, but it seems she really doesn't want that. Seeing as how she's fake to so many people about so much, I wouldn't be surprised if she's being fake when presenting the notion that she doesn't really feel attraction towards me... But as long as she continues to live in denial or a way that appears to show that she never really loved me is the truth, then whether she really is such a piece of shit or she's just being too weak, insecure, and cowardly to love herself properly and therefore love me properly, the end result will be exactly the same.
It looks like after all the guys she's fucked with while I've known her, after probably fucking with more, she's been trying to trap Peter or George into a relationship with her. With the fucked up dynamic she's established, she's obviously going to cheat on him and the relationship will obviously eventually fall apart. After she probably pushes him to have kids with her and uses him for money after she stays married to him long enough to take half of everything he owns and waits until that half is something she considers significant. Assuming The Great Retribution doesn't arrive before then, which it probably would. From what I see, both of these guys are certainly stupid enough they would've fallen for it all.
After I came out of jail the first time, I made the decision to continue to communicate with Kimi, still trying to make our relationship work. But I'm not making the same decision this time; that would just be stupid. This time, she fucking called the FBI a few days after I turned myself in and started my bit. That's right, she fucking went and complained to the fucking FBI that I exist.
Really now? Alright.
It doesn't matter how much Kimi or anyone else may try to express that they don't want me to kill myself. I won't be checking any of her or her friends' or anyone else's socials or streams; I'm simply beyond giving a fuck about anything anyone says or does if Kimi isn't going to make it completely clear to me that she's pursuing an extremely serious relationship with me starting in the very near future by directly contacting me via e-mail.
If Kimi really doesn't feel about me the way I wish she did, I can already see her doing some underhanded bullshit on stream or on social media trying to express the sentiment that she wishes me the best and doesn't want me to kill myself. But that sentiment is complete bullshit. I want it to be completely clear that a lack of any further communication by me does not and will not ever, to any extent, mean that my feelings or position have changed in the slightest. It just shows I'm following through with what I've said I'll do and I'm not a fucking clown.
Although I know it'd be delusional to have much hope that I can get the kind of relationship with Kimi that I've always wanted, I want Kimi forever like I want to breathe. And I fucking love breathing. As such, to prove my sincerity in giving Kimi one TRULY FINAL opportunity to shape up and stop acting like a completely unhinged and irredeemable massive psychopath, I've went to considerably great lengths to extremely clearly inform several of her very good friends of the severity of the situation and the kind of time she has left to make her final decision completely clear.
If you can't or won't understand, accept, and act properly upon what I truly hope with every bit of my mind, heart, and soul is at this point an extremely obvious fact that You're Special, You Should've Known that I'm above the CLOUDS, and now there's NO TURNING BACK.
WHAT'S LIFE? Let me show you.
I know I've said a lot of harsh things about Kimi in the past. But if she commits to a relationship with me, I'll have pretty much no doubt in my mind that she's seriously in a relationship with me because she sincerely wants to be, loves me extremely deeply, and enjoys every moment of sexual intimacy with me greatly. The way that she built this connection with me, she was setting it up to be extremely deep and meaningful, whether she knew it or not.
She was allowing us to build mutual trust and respect gradually every step of the way. She will feel my immense love, trust, and respect for her, and I will feel those things from her too. Not only is it an extremely unique connection, but it's extremely precious and truly irreplaceable. Something neither of us will ever have to truly doubt.
I feel EXTREMELY confident that we'll be forever happily married if she takes the initiative to reach out to me before it's too late. Whether or not she has a mental breakdown in public first doesn't matter to me at all and will not make her approach come off any less sincere to me either way.
Even if Kimi went and secretly got engaged or married to someone else, it doesn't matter to me in the slightest. She should understand she did it as a mistake, thinking I never loved her. It's a very understandable mistake, considering the kinds of things I said in the initial public revision of this book and how I started massive drama and disappeared for months doing jail time over it.
She should be completely willing and comfortable with breaking off an engagement or divorcing whoever she married if she went that far. Otherwise, it's just a blatant excuse to justify acting in a fashion that shows painfully clearly that she's a completely irredeemable massive psychopath that never loved me. If she got engaged or married, I want it to be completely clear that breaking off the engagement or divorcing whoever she's married to does not to any extent make me feel that she would do that to me. Mistakes happen. She can't be engaged/married to me if she's engaged/married to someone else. Nor would it be appropriate or acceptable to me even if she somehow could.
I am pro abortion, so if by some absolute insanity she's somehow already pregnant, she should abort it. Promptly. Or it's going to completely fuck this world up and it's headed straight to disaster unconditionally. She absolutely cannot ever give birth.
I will be waiting patiently, within reasonable boundaries. I expect that if Kimi is actually a decent human being, she will never be able to truly move on, and although it might take months, she will eventually realize we're soulmates and meant to spend our lives together, and she will reach out to me expressing her undying extremely deep love and affection, as she should. Otherwise, she will basically just stop caring, and either completely drop doing anything that gives me any real attention, or just continue the same kind of extremely suicidal and destructive path of trying to fuck with me underhandedly, and try to drive me insane and make me suicidal.
In either of the latter case scenarios, I'll just fuck her and all of her close friends' lives up, completely reject any and all fame and other rewards from the attention I get, and continue the meditation in isolation that I will already have started, and after a few years, I will exact the extremely brutal retribution that I have described in detail already that I will exact in that case, giving her what she deserves for being such an irredeemable massive psychopath that never really loved me and manipulated the shit out of me and tried to drive me to suicide for her own personal benefit and didn't change her attitude and behavior towards me even despite exceptionally crazy circumstances that show her I more than deserve all the love and respect in the world from her.
What it comes down to is quite simple. Kimi absolutely must either ultimately spend her life with me, her decision to pursue convictions of which she must make irrefutably clear within a reasonable amount of time, or I will be left with absolutely no even remotely appealing option left in my life than to commit to pursuing quantum energy harvesting meditation in isolation and ultimately exacting the extremely brutal retribution, upon her and everyone that supports her, that I've described in no lack of detail in the past.
These are her only options. I want her to understand this crystal clear, understand the weight and consequences of whatever decision she makes and that there is absolutely certainly a limit for her to be indecisive like this and that she must commit fully to whichever path she decides to have me take, and that she does not have a lot of time to do so, although I'm very much willing to give her a very reasonable amount of time, as I want her to feel and understand that this opportunity I'm giving her is truly sincere and comes from an extremely loving place in me.
Kimi is EXTREMELY dangerous and currently completely unhinged. The important thing here is I can't have her leaving any room for doubt and effectively playing everyone. If Kimi is with someone else right now, it's in that person's best interest to see to it that Kimi makes her final decision extremely clearly and decisively within a reasonable amount of time as well. Otherwise, if she stays with him for a few years and then starts trying to desperately throw herself at me once I come to start to exact The Great Retribution, claiming she always loved me and never moved on and she'll now do whatever I want, then she played the shit out of that person and I'll never know if she's playing the shit out of me too and I'll realistically probably still want a healthy relationship with her so badly that I'll believe her even though I really shouldn't.
I ABSOLUTELY CANNOT HAVE THIS EVER HAPPEN!!! If she truly loves and wants to be with me, she has to move on from whoever else and break anything she might have with them off within a reasonable amount of time, and come to me promptly thereafter. In Peter's case, I understand he's part of the friend group, and I'm not saying she has to become enemies with him or stop being friends with him entirely, but it must become completely clear that there is nothing romantic there any longer.
If she's truly a completely irredeemable massive psychopath that could never love me and wishes to inflict The Great Retribution upon herself, whoever she might be with, and anyone else associated with her, she must make that completely clear long before it'd happen, so she cannot play me like a fucking fiddle later when I'm coming to fuck her and everyone else up royally.
I should not have to be flaunting supernatural abilities and actively terrorizing Kimi and threatening her friends and families lives beyond the capacity of any law enforcement or any other entity to even remotely appear to be able to stop me to any extent, before she's willing to have sex with me and be with me. I don't know if she's so fucked in the head that she thinks leaving me in such an extremely fucked up position is actually an option for her, but you'd best believe it's not.
There is no such thing as consensual sex when someone is absolutely terrifyingly certain that you hold their life and the lives of anyone even remotely important to them exclusively in the palm of your hand like that. That's just not being suicidal enough to resist getting raped. Ideally, I want to have love-filled sex with Kimi, not fucking rape her. And if I can't have love-filled sex with her, I'm certainly not going to fucking seek her consent to rape her like she's my friend or something, and I'm certainly not going to pretend that there's any even remote possibility of her ever truly loving me at that point. I will just be absolutely incomparably unapologetically mercilessly brutal to her and everyone even remotely important to her.
She absolutely must understand that rejecting me but ultimately being chill with me IS NOT AN OPTION. I'm the fucking ruler of the world that she's gotten extremely madly in love with her, and she should know very well the MASSIVE kinds of things she stands to gain from being in a committed relationship with me (ultimately this is infinite money, immortality, supernatural abilities, endless extremely hot sex, massive inner peace, satisfaction, incomparable feeling of safety and comfort, and ruling the world alongside me). She ABSOLUTELY CANNOT fuck with my head, heart, and soul while she doesn't already see all of it right in front of her right in this moment, and then later throw herself at me and claim she loved me the whole time and I just didn't try hard enough to have her feel right showing it.
She either loves me or she hates me, and she must pick and make it completely clear to me and everyone else LONG before I'm capable of becoming an extremely brutal heartless dictator of this shitty planet. I will NEVER be even REMOTELY okay with being chill with being rejected by her. We MUST become the best of lovers, or I will absolutely invariably unwaveringly commit to us being the worst of enemies. She must accept that we will either end up together forever, or she is a completely irredeemable massive psychopath that must admit and accept to this fact to me and everyone else, one way or another, and her and everyone else must accept that this world will face an extremely brutal retribution in the future for her being as such and probably being supported by most if not all those around her in being as such.
I'll be masturbating profusely to Kimi every day as I wait, and even always after, regardless of her decision. I will truly always find her to be an incomparably perfectly voluptuous goddess. There's very good reason I chased her this hard and I have such intense convictions to exact an extremely brutal retribution on her of the kind I've described in the past, if she won't consensually be with me before it's too late for her to ever be able to convince me her feelings for me are sincere. Truly loving her (and therefore not wanting to fucking destroy the world out of extremely deep sadness and anger of being unable to feel comfortable ever doing so) must remain a viable option for me if this world doesn't want this to end extremely badly for everyone.
Kimi is and will forever be the absolute most precious person in the whole world to me. Hopefully, before it's too late, she will truly realize and act upon the understanding that it's not me she's obsessed with, it's this extremely unhealthy desire for an excessive feeling of safety and comfort that drives her to stay in this toxic lifestyle instead of throw herself at me and take the risks that she needs to take to truly live a happy and fulfilling life.
She has plenty of time. I understand I've shaken and perhaps confused her and many in her life. I will truly give her the time I've promised. I'm truly not eager to start war, and that's truly not even remotely out of any sense of shame, guilt, or any other negative emotions. I know I'm scary because I'm ridiculously powerful, but I truly have immense, incomparable love for Kimi, and I want this to work more than I'll ever want anything else. Kimi is truly the most extremely precious person in the world to me and absolutely irreplaceable, and these things will forever remain the absolute and complete truth.
I really wish I could've gotten her without having to do crazy shit like how I released the initial revision of my book, but I'm not going to have regrets when I can focus on seeing what I did as simply a new path to an even better version of the same goal I always had. After all, the reality of the extremely dark future ahead if I don't get Kimi isn't going to change regardless of whether or not I try to make the best of the situation. So I might as well try.
I was completely aware of this fact as I was writing the initial revision of my book, and it was in fact what ultimately gave me the confidence to release it how I did. I truly felt like the way things were going before, I'd never be able to convince Kimi or anyone significant in her life to take me seriously and actually get where I needed to go with Kimi. But now, as crazy as it sounds, I feel like I actually have a chance.
I don't lack regret out of being some unhinged psychopath; I lack regret because Kimi is so extremely precious to me that I've always been absolutely certain what I truly would've regretted is never really trying. This is what trying looks like when you're the ruler of the world. If threatening Kimi was going to make her stop loving me, then she never loved me to begin with, because it was her supposedly loving treatment that led to those threats being made and in the very public way I was essentially forced to make them.
And even if she hadn't loved me, then she loved acting in a way that encouraged me to love her more and do whatever it takes to make her find it in herself to start loving me. So she at the very least deeply desired to really feel love towards me, probably because she felt deeply disturbed at obviously being so loved and yet not understanding why she couldn't reciprocate it. In that case, she must've truly felt like a monster. She probably could feel her latent serial killer tendencies surfacing, and it tormented her deeply. I highly doubt she enjoyed that.
I'm truly completely committed to Kimi. I was always completely fine putting myself in a position of at least some degree of moral obligation to be with her, because I wanted her so badly anyways, and if that's what it took to show her clearly, I wanted that. As far as I'm concerned, her behavior so strongly encouraging me to take on that responsibility and force her to take on that responsibility as well very strongly indicated that she too wanted me so badly anyways and wanted to be able to prove that to me.
I never saw this as a connection I ever wanted to end. I will prove it in every single way I can. I know I can definitely be very convincing. Whether this situation ends extremely well or extremely poorly, it just depends on if Kimi and those significant in her life are truly willing to face reality.
She doesn't have to have some huge mental breakdown in public. She doesn't have to send me nudes or masturbation material. She doesn't have to write me some huge essay. She should certainly feel the pressure, but she should feel it reasonably and not feel overwhelmed, shocked, angry, sad, guilty, ashamed, terrified, or apathetic. I know it's easier said than done, but I truly believe in her. She has all the time she needs. I truly love her extremely deeply with all of my mind, heart, and soul, and I want her to know that without a shadow of a doubt.
All of the significant people in her life should refrain from criticizing her for her choices. She felt deeply loved by me, as she should've, because it's always truly been there and extremely strong, and she acted in the only way that felt right to her. She truly let me love her, which is MUCH more than I could EVER say for people like Jaime or Celine, who would rather not really try, and then get INSANELY salty when they realize they deeply regret it. Kimi had A LOT of courage and heart. It's not easy to be like that. Not easy at all. She earned immense respect from me very early on when I saw her character was like this, and it made me fall very deeply in love with her very quickly.
Now she just needs to see how amazing what we did together (because this wouldn't have been possible without her!) really is, and change the path she probably thought she was locked into before, so me, her, all those associated with her, and ultimately the whole world are not left in an extremely negative losing situation as a result of our connection.
It's quite important to truly understand the severity of the situation. If I start war, Kimi is absolutely certainly cancelled; this is not simply a possibility, but rather an absolute certainty. And if that war starts and Kimi's cancellation starts becoming apparent, all her friends must decide whether they will turn on her and publicly commit to shunning her and essentially encouraging her to commit suicide, or sink with her and get cancelled themselves as well and likely also end up committing suicide.
Whichever decision they make, I do not personally care. But they must realize something well. This is not any old cancellation. This is an absolutely irreversible, unrecoverable, irredeemable, permanent, and deeply permeating cancellation. Even if none of the rest of them are cancelled alongside her, they will all certainly feel permanently lasting effects as a result of it. And they will not be minor. In fact, they will only get worse over time, and they'll probably already even start off pretty bad.
Like, think about it this way. Ice got permed for fucking getting swatted on a plane. Dr Disrespect got permed for reasons still unknown to the public. If Kimi doesn't get permed for being an extremely irredeemable unapologetic psychopath that tried to drive the ruler of the world to suicide for her own extremely short-sighted, selfish, ignorant, arrogant, destructive perception of benefit, as brutally as possible using and abusing my extremely deep sincere undying love and affection towards her in the most disgusting possible way, all while knowing from the very beginning in no uncertain terms how extremely dangerous and destructive being this way is, pissing off the ruler of the world into wanting to destroy the world extremely brutally out of incomparable devastation, Twitch administration is beyond fucked.
Blatantly sanctioning not only literally illegal activity like Peter's more recent slander and defamation of character towards me (which I will not be sharing details of as of yet, because I'm truly hoping the end result of this situation will not be war), but also the most severe kind of morally bankrupt behavior? So then Twitch must be run by some really fucked up psychopaths, and every single person on the platform is going to have to start questioning if they feel morally okay continuing to remain a part of that platform. And they probably will end up deciding that they don't.
Kimi's already getting fucked by Twitter and they're not giving her the verified badge despite verifying just about every other one of her good friends. And meanwhile, they never even gave me any warnings, much less suspensions, even with the initial public revision of my book and how I mass @'d a shitton of people to share it. I never had any of my tweets deleted, and anything I removed, I did so entirely of my own volition with absolutely no pressure whatsoever from anyone guiding that decision. Clearly, Twitter already knows which side of the equation they should be on. And it's not Kimi's.
Let me tell you what's probably going to happen if I ultimately go to war with Kimi. She'll most likely commit suicide. She'll most likely try to leave a suicide note saying a ton of extremely tender and affectionate shit towards me, claiming she sincerely felt that way about me, but she felt too guilty and ashamed to face me after what she put me through, and felt she could never deserve all the love I obviously have for her. She'll most likely claim she committed suicide out of love for me, to do what she felt was best for me, so hopefully I could find peace and move on from her.
I don't want that to happen. I want to be with this woman forever. I absolutely need to make sure that it's insanely painfully clear to her that I truly love her so immensely and she should put aside any negative feelings she's felt towards me in the past and any negative feelings she probably still feels towards herself right now, and just reach out to me lovingly and starting to do her best to make this relationship work before it's too late.
If Kimi keeps pushing me away, she's not doing anyone any favors. If she forces my hand to start war, she's not doing anyone any favors. If she commits suicide over this, she's not doing anyone any favors. I'll be EXTREMELY deeply hurt and devastated. I love this woman more than I'll ever love anyone. I don't want her gone. I really don't.
Yes, it's true that if Kimi is truly such an irredeemable unapologetic psychopath that she'd genuinely rather commit suicide than even give being with me a real chance, me doing everything I am now means I can no longer be held responsible to any extent for her course of action, and it serves to blatantly expose her for the extremely disgusting monster that she would be in that case, meaning that any attempt to slander me by attempting to gaslight the shit out of everyone else in her final actions before ending her own life will miserably fail, and she will end up having committed suicide in such an ultimately transparently disingenuous way that nobody with even half a brain should feel even remotely sorry for her to any degree.
Yes, that would certainly be quite a retribution already in itself. And I truly believe that if she's such an irredeemable piece of shit that she'd rather die than ever even give being with me a real chance, she completely deserves it. And worse, even.
But I truly don't want things to be that way.
Only Kimi knows the truth, and whether she's desperately hoping I care enough to truly convince her she should give being with me a real chance, or if she's just bracing herself for what she should know is her inevitable doom, perhaps desperately praying with her delusions that I will just decide to commit suicide for her benefit instead of driving her to suicide, getting her murdered, or ultimately exacting The Great Retribution on her in the future and making her regret ever being born as severely as it is possible to do so to a person.
I know Kimi must be in an extremely dark place mentally right now. I'm extremely concerned about her. She has a massive tendency for self-pity and self-hatred. Faced with these circumstances, I find it quite likely she's silently feeling extremely suicidal, and increasingly so every day. The way that war with me would cancel her and deeply effect everyone associated with her, while she knows how much I myself am even hurting and would rather not have gone that path and will end up isolating myself from society and working towards brutal destruction of the world regardless of whatever fame or money or other rewards people might try to give me as a result of it, meaning the effect of war with her would be considerably amplified on her and everyone else... I don't think she'd be able to live with herself. Her existence will certainly never be a very pleasant one past that point. She will have to actively fear for her life every single time she shows her face in public to even take a little walk down the street.
While I certainly wouldn't ever under any circumstances commit suicide myself or back off from my position out of concern for what she might or might not do to herself or the impact war would have on her and everyone else (or any other reason, for that matter), the sincerity of the extreme depth of love I have for her makes me extremely concerned that she's still misunderstanding my goals, intentions, and desires.
Initiating direct communication with her myself at this point still might send the wrong message to her. I need to unwaveringly maintain that I'm not trying to feed any sadistic or narcissistic tendencies she has to any extent, and I'm not willing to give her any kind of leverage to try to shut down the massive threat I currently am to her and everyone associated with her, nor do I have any desire whatsoever for additional criminal charges and jail time.
I want it to be CRYSTAL clear that she ABSOLUTELY CANNOT feel justified in simply crying out for direct communication from me at any point in the future, attempting to assert it's absolutely necessary for her to truly feel comfortable committing to a relationship with me, and then blaming me and claiming I don't love her when I start war instead. SHE ALREADY KNOWS IT'S FUCKING ILLEGAL FOR ME TO INITIATE COMMUNICATION WITH HER AT THIS POINT, AND I HAVE EVERY REASON TO BELIEVE SHE'S JUST TRYING TO BAIT ME INTO MORE JAIL TIME OUT OF THE MOST DISGUSTING DEEPEST HATRED IF SHE WANTS TO CLAIM SHE SINCERELY LOVES ME AND TRULY FEELS READY FOR PROPER COMMUNICATION BUT DOESN'T WANT TO REACH OUT TO ME FIRST!!!
If I end up starting war, anyone with even half a brain should see that it's absolutely irrefutably clear that Kimi does not and never did love me, and almost certainly never will. Otherwise, she never would've forced me to start war. If she wants our connection to get attention for healthy reasons, having a sincere mental breakdown in public admitting extremely deep loving feelings towards me and directly reaching out to me via e-mail is absolutely what she must know for certain she should DRASTICALLY prefer over forcing me to establish an extremely antagonistic position towards her and then attempt to do what obviously would come off as extremely disingenuous gaslighting that she loves me in an attempt to guilt-trip the shit out of me for starting the first phase of the extremely brutal retribution on her that she more than deserves.
At this point, essentially Kimi's career and life, as well as ultimately at the very least most of her friends' careers and lives, are in the palm of my hand already. She couldn't have greater incentive to do everything in her power to attempt to play with my emotions. Anything she might do that isn't COMPLETELY clear as sincere loving feelings towards me and transparent affection, it's just going to feel like I'm being manipulated, and she's just trying to gaslight and guilt-trip me into not cancelling her and driving her to suicide. I know I must have some patience to let her make the truth completely clear, and I most certainly will, with how much a healthy relationship with her will forever mean to me. But I want it to be completely clear that I'm drawing a line and I will truly start the most brutal war with her if she crosses it.
That being said, personally, I believe that deep down, there is a very real part of Kimi that hates me quite a bit right now. However, I think there's also a large logical and more human side of her, that acknowledges that it's wrong and extremely destructive to enjoy feeling that way, and truly wishes those hateful feelings would go away. But as it currently stands, those feelings are still disturbingly strongly present, and I think as much as she wishes she could just make them go poof and disappear forever, she can't control how she feels like that.
I don't think anyone can really control how they feel like that. I do believe she can get these negative feelings out of her system and ultimately greatly soften her heart towards me, but it's not going to happen if she's pretending to feel much warmer feelings towards me than she really is at any given point in time. This doesn't just apply to the start of the relationship; she needs to be real with me about her feelings all the time, so we can have a real and truly deep connection.
If I'm going to be in a relationship with Kimi, I don't want her to feel like she has to pretend about anything with me, and the only way I'm going to be able to have such a truly healthy, meaningful, and rewarding relationship with her is if I establish that precedent from the very beginning. My awareness of these harsh feelings towards me I'm pretty sure she has deep inside and needs some time to process and eradicate is the reason I feel it necessary and appropriate to give her some time to reflect and process the situation before deciding if she wants to commit to a war with me she undoubtedly will horribly lose.
I think there's a pretty good chance she's been saying and doing things suggesting she feels much warmer feelings for me right now than she truly does, which would become considerably more obvious considering she still hasn't reached out to me directly expressing warmth in a transparent manner. She may soon perhaps start feeling more comfortable more honestly expressing how she's really feeling, which probably won't be so pleasant for me if I were to see it.
I imagine several mean-sounding tweets that express her frustration with how much regret she feels and how she wants to blame it all on me because she thinks I fucked everything up and now she feels so fucked up because she never expected I love her so much I'd actually want to go to such great lengths to try to fix how broken she made our connection end up, and it makes her hate herself, which makes her hate me for making her feel that way. I don't know exactly what she's going through right now, but it's probably stuff like that. Obviously, she'd present these thoughts tactfully and without specifically mentioning me or exact details of our situation; I've learned she's pretty good at that kind of thing.
To be completely clear, this is NOT an invitation to Kimi or anyone else to slander me. Slander is literally illegal, and I can only see it being done with the worst of intentions in the vast majority of cases, not really being possible to lead to any kind of good result for anyone. If I see such things, I will only add them to my ammunition to expose and cancel Kimi and all of her friends. Slander and venting are very clearly different. Venting is ultimately rather harmless, not overly antagonistic, and overall understandable. Slander is none of those things.
She's probably understandably really scared of sincerely expressing herself because she's worried about her harsh thoughts coming off so antagonistic towards me that I see it as an indication that she's declaring war with me, when in reality she's just trying to vent and be honest and see if I'll take it hatefully or be graceful and understanding and cause her heart to greatly soften towards me over time, after a while ultimately resulting in her feeling too fucked up at continuing to sabotage something she can so painfully clearly see is the most precious loving relationship she could've ever dreamed of, to the point she'll end up having a serious mental breakdown in public where she can't help but start actually being more directly honest about her feelings towards me that have genuinely become extremely warm and loving at that point.
Considering this is likely the situation, and I'm making my understanding as such completely clear here, I believe her and her friends should all appreciate that a lack of any further communication simply expressing frustration and probably just coming off hateful in response to such things, and instead giving them all space to think, reflect, and really start to be able to feel where I'm coming from, is in reality the most loving and sincere thing I could possibly do in this situation.
Considering what she's done in the past, she'll probably start sleeping around with a bunch of people too, trying to make me jealous and hurt my feelings. Perhaps she'll even once again sleep with people I know she's had sex with in the past, perhaps even exes, trying to make me insecure and shit. She clearly has trouble controlling herself when it comes to a lot of things, and from what I've seen, that's especially true when it comes to sex and romantic relationships. With her personality and the kind of person it'd take to marry her as she's been allowed to continue acting, I find it quite unlikely such a person, if they exist, would be at all capable of stopping her, or even really have desire to.
I want it to be absolutely completely clear that this is not me giving her permission to sleep around, nor encouraging her, nor asking her to do so. While I certainly have never enjoyed and will never enjoy even just the thought of her having sex with anyone else, I know she has needs I haven't ever been able to properly satisfy yet, due to the state of our relationship. Additionally, the sadness and frustration she must certainly feel right now most likely considerably amplifies that. Simply being honest, I know I love her too much to hold it against her if masturbation alone isn't enough for her right now. That being said, while I certainly love her too much to destroy her just for lashing out however she probably does, she certainly is going to have to change if she doesn't want to end up destroying her life and the lives of everyone around her.
When I say Kimi needs to change, I want it to be clear what I mean by this. I'm not saying she needs to change who she is deep inside; if you think someone needs to actually change who they really are deep inside in order to be loveable by you, then you don't understand what love really is. What I'm saying is that she needs to see herself more clearly and understand what her true needs really are and that the way she's been living her life does not truly meet those needs.
While I would certainly not let her use her mental health issues to absolve her of responsibility for how she's made me feel towards her and how I now absolutely must get to spend my life with her or her and everyone associated with her will be absolutely royally fucked, I'm certainly quite understanding that her mental health issues have likely greatly contributed to her being so visibly confused about what she really wants out of a relationship and perhaps even life in general.
In my very first real conversation with her, she bluntly states in no uncertain terms that she's uncertain what she's looking for but she'll know when she finds it. To me, her continued displays of affection for years towards me and my efforts show me that she was looking for something, she very clearly had been honest about looking for something, and she truly believed she found that in me.
I was looking for something too, and I know I've found that in her. I'd NEVER let her mental health issues get in the way of that. If it wasn't for them, she probably wouldn't have done the things she did. It's been extremely painful and difficult, but considering how incomparably amazing and wonderful our relationship would be if it works out, I wouldn't rather have had it be any other way.
If Kimi is indeed currently secretly married to someone else, then whoever it is must know by now that forcing her to stay in that marriage is essentially communicating to her that they want her to commit suicide, since Kimi committing suicide is the most likely outcome of this situation if she commits to rejecting me and therefore forces my hand to start war with her and all of her friends, effectively so irreversibly and permanently cancelling her and causing such a brutal permeating effect of only increasing severity of negative side effects to those around her over time.
Such a person CLEARLY does not have Kimi's best interests in mind, and is not someone she should stay married to anyways, even if she would rather commit suicide than give being with me a real chance. And if whoever she might secretly be married to does not harbor such malicious intent towards her as to force her to stay in that marriage even at the cost of her sanity and ultimately life, then that person should be actively encouraging her to move on from them, divorce them, and pursue a much healthier connection with me before it's too late. So no matter what, if Kimi went and got secretly married, it was absolutely certainly a mistake.
Personally, I don't think Kimi already went and got married, but let's just say that I might as well be notably concerned of the possibility that she is currently or is planning to be secretly engaged. In that case, everything I'm saying about her being married still applies, except she's in an even WORSE situation if she doesn't break off that engagement in favor of extremely seriously pursuing a lifelong relationship and marriage with me.
Considering the situation I've covered in Leslie's entry about how Leslie and Edison broke off their extremely meaningful long-time relationship and engagement in the face of my recent return, presumably attempting to demonstrate to me that they take me so seriously they're willing to break off even an extremely serious engagement if I want Leslie, then such an action is COMPLETELY transparently exposed as EXTREMELY disgustingly disingenuous if Kimi and whoever she might secretly be engaged to, of which their engagement must've started much more recently, do not promptly break off their engagement so I can have Kimi.
Although Kimi was definitely the catalyst for me deciding to ever start writing this book, Chloe was actually the reason I got so much jail time over it. This isn't something I'm assuming; this is what my first lawyer (I had a total of two different lawyers throughout the entire duration of dealing with the criminal charges I faced as a result of the initial release of this book) explicitly told me. Because Chloe lives in the same country as I do, the threats I made against her are seen as much more likely to be acted upon, and therefore much more concerning, making the book a severe instance of what's called in the legal system an "aggravating factor".
Chloe fucking lied to the cops so much. SO MUCH. It makes me so fucking livid just thinking about it.
She completely denied I ever touched her butt back in high school. When asked, she said I "pestered her to but didn't". WTF?!
First of all, asking once to get an answer, once more after the answer was an extremely mixed message flirty as fuck smile, giggle, and seemingly aroused inquiry of simply "why?" with a huge smile on her face, and one final time after even the second response very strongly came off like she thought I was messing with her for some really strange reason she couldn't understand, ISN'T FUCKING PESTERING. It's called showing that the request is genuinely desired, serious, and transparent at face value; I didn't want her thinking I was fucking trolling her or had some ulterior motive! What the fuck is this bitch on?!
Second of all, I DID ACTUALLY TOUCH HER BUTT! If I didn't, then why the fuck did she have me charged for sexual assault for touching her butt?! And why the fuck would I ever have plead guilty to doing it?! I've NEVER been such a severely, rather COMPLETELY spineless pathetic coward pushover idiot with zero self-respect! If she'd tried to charge me with sexual assault for touching her butt when I'd never done such a thing, there's no fucking way in hell I'd EVER even CONSIDER accepting that. I'd fucking demand she presents exactly the time and date such a supposed action occurred, and that the cameras in the school better have fucking captured this alleged behavior in their footage, or she'd better shut the fuck up and stop slandering me! I would've taken that shit to trial and crushed it! Who the fuck does this fucking bitch think I am?!
She completely denied I ever admitted to her that I like her. It was such a fucking blatant lie too; first she says no never, then she claims I did in a later message on Facebook, then she claims she "doesn't remember". What the fuck. Back in high school before I ended up touching her butt due to feeling so fucked up from the severity of the mixed signals she was giving me in the private 1-on-1 encounter where I was very explicitly expressing very considerable interest and sexual attraction towards her, I literally fucking asked her out. I FUCKING VERY SERIOUSLY ASKED TO DATE THIS BITCH RIGHT TO HER FACE, AND NOW I'VE NEVER ADMITTED TO LIKING HER?! DO YOU VERY SERIOUSLY ASK OUT PEOPLE YOU DON'T LIKE?! WHAT DOES VERY SERIOUSLY ASKING SOMEONE OUT COMMUNICATE TO THEM?!
Chloe is the only person I ever asked out throughout my entire high school experience. I'm pretty sure she knew this too, because I certainly didn't have any kind of reputation for being a player or ever having asked out anyone before. So she also knew that it meant something very significant that I had done so, and the whole situation with how it was a private 1-on-1 and how I'd clearly expressed intense sexual arousal towards her right beforehand must've only made the great intensity of my interest in her that much more obvious to her. I talked to multiple women every day, some of which were very flirty with me, and yet I never seriously pursued any of them and instead went to her and took her aside alone to express extremely strong sexual attraction towards her and ask her out, and I never admitted to her that I like her? Who's the delusional one here? Did she develop memory loss or something?
She claimed she "stayed friendly because she was dating Herman". What the fuck?! There's so much wrong with this! I started ignoring her after she told me for the third time that she hates me, with a fucking giggle and smile on her face, in response to me telling her I love her. She wasn't friendly with me; she seemed all too happy to be ignored by me! This happened before she ever started dating Herman!
To be fair to her, I wasn't exactly acutely aware/receptive of romance back in high school. I actually straight up didn't even consider that her response was possibly quite flirty in nature and I probably should've came up with some clever way to express sincerity of my feelings instead of taking what she said at face value and getting deeply upset at her for hating me for what I felt must've just been her seeing me as a fundamentally shitty person based on I didn't even know what. Hell, even just politely asking her to talk with me alone for a moment and just honestly confessing intense attraction towards her and desire to date her might've resulted in her reciprocating the feeling and us ultimately starting to date. Although hearing her later tell me in that private 1-on-1 that she's only into Asians makes that quite unlikely, so I can't say I regret not doing so.
I think I'd been too scarred by how I'd gotten clowned shitless in elementary school for confessing to a girl I'd liked named Kathy, and in high school, I'd decided I was too "cool" to open up and ever confess to anyone, even Chloe who I really liked a lot, definitely far more than anyone else in the entire school. I also didn't realize early on how insanely intensely I really liked her, and I remained in denial so badly for so long that even though I was already masturbating to her several times daily extremely consistently by the end of high school, I was still telling myself I'd eventually just forget about her and move on when I found the Korean goddess of my fantasies, since I'd finally gotten the courage to ask Chloe out towards the end of high school, but had gotten rejected.
Little did I know that more than a decade after starting to masturbate to her, I'd still be masturbating to Chloe multiple times daily extremely consistently, I'd find that Korean goddess of my fantasies and masturbate to her multiple times daily extremely consistently too, and I'd just end up wanting both her and Chloe at the same time forever.
She presented the reason for my knowledge about her family issues as "we had mutual friends so he would know". She also mentioned that it was known "among her closer group of friends" and that it was "only known to people who are really close to her".
I never asked anyone anything about her. Nobody else ever told me anything about her. It was well known we were ignoring each other, and you could fucking feel the tension when I was around that friend group because of it. She was definitely careful never to discuss it when I was around, I couldn't fucking go casually ask one of her really close friends about personal shit about her life and have them casually fucking tell me, and they definitely weren't going to just randomly tell me for shits and giggles! What the fuck?! The ONLY way I could EVER obtain that knowledge is if she told me DIRECTLY HERSELF! Which she did, when we were talking, right after I touched her butt. So based on her previous statement, I suddenly became someone she considered very close, right after being touched on her butt by me supposedly against her will?! WTF?!
If she lies so much about shit to the cops, it only puts into question her feelings towards me even further, at least as far as I'm concerned. Since it certainly doesn't seem like she plans to act right, I'm only left to assume she did so to attempt to maximize the punishment I faced and/or to further gaslight me into thinking I ever had a chance, as an extension of her extremely cruel fucked up sadistic attitude. My feelings remain the same. I extremely deeply wish she'd drastically change this attitude, and I'd like to have both Kimi and her at the same time forever. Considering the fact that I'm probably never getting a consensual sexual relationship with either of them, and I don't even slightly care for a sexual or romantic relationship with anyone else in this world (despite having one with someone I want it with being extremely important to me), the outcome of this situation definitely isn't going to be pretty at all.
Seeing Chloe be so fucking shameless about slandering me to the criminal justice system like this only makes me feel that much more justified in being as brutal as I can be at the time of The Great Retribution, if she truly intends to commit to remaining distant with me and causing deep resent and hatred towards her to start building inside me. Somehow, despite the situation, I still currently have extremely deep love for her. I don't know how, but I do. Although this certainly won't remain the case for much longer, unless she starts treating me the way she should be instead of this extremely fucked up bullshit she's been doing for so long.
When confronted with the fact that I masturbate to her multiple times daily, her immediate response was "It must be exhausting". Wow. Exhausting? It's been the most pleasurable part of my life by far for a very long time, even now at times feeling even better than masturbating to Kimi. Exhausting is certainly not how I'd ever describe it. Refreshing, invigorating, relaxing, and extremely pleasant are infinitely far better descriptions. It's certainly bittersweet, since there's a lot of anger and frustration towards her, because of all her massive fuckery she's inflicted on me, but goddamn do I enjoy touching myself while I look at her body. I still masturbate to her multiple times daily and greatly enjoy it. I still think she has the second most attractive body in the world (second only to Kimi). In fact, to be completely honest, I often feel like their sex appeal is straight up tied, and they're both incomparably perfectly sexy in their own way.
I'd bet money she's touched herself thinking of me many times in her life. She probably has been doing so and feeling really good about it particularly so in more recent times after learning how extremely aroused by her I really am. Still, I suppose there's no chance she'd ever admit it. She probably actually has considerable trouble believing I'm actually being sincere when I talk about how much I masturbate to her and how greatly I enjoy it. It actually hurts me a lot that she probably thinks I'm just doing this to her as some kind of really fucked up revenge and perhaps just using her to make Kimi jealous. The revenge and making Kimi jealous are just added bonuses if Chloe's such a piece of shit that knowing the truth still doesn't convince her to promptly change her attitude and behavior towards me.
It seems like there's no way she could ever love me or consent to physical sexual intimacy with me, no matter how badly I want it or how powerful I am and what will happen to her if she doesn't. She'd rather just get twisted, sadistic satisfaction knowing I touch myself looking at pictures of her, that she intentionally posted in the past for me to touch myself to, after learning that I'm extremely attracted to her and find her butt especially arousing. The fucking bitch even went and dyed her hair both pink and purple on different occasions after rejecting me and continuing to distance herself from me after high school, despite to my face back in high school telling me that's really weird for hair colors for me to like and she'd never dye her hair those colors. Well, she'll get what she deserves for being this way. Stupid suicidal piece of shit.
She made me so attracted to her that I've been masturbating to her multiple times daily for over a decade and I still want to constantly, cumming an absolute bare minimum of at least twice a day to her, even on days I'm otherwise exclusively masturbating to Kimi. It's frustrating beyond words how badly I want her and how unlikely it seems that I'll ever have her. She makes me so fucking unbelievably horny. How she fucked with me only makes everything worse, and I'm extremely upset that I've wanted her so badly for so long and I'll never get to do anything with her willing to.
When I saw her again at that convention for the first time after all these years to warn her about my position and feelings towards her and the book I was writing which would have considerable negative impact on her life if she didn't communicate with me openly, honestly, and transparently, she told me she hadn't really changed since high school. In high school, she was desperately throwing herself at Herman despite him constantly making it painfully clear he's into short and petite girls (the exact opposite of her body type), and doing so out of what quite clearly appeared to be extreme jealousy and pettiness over Jerry not finding her attractive either because he's into chicks with dicks and she has a vagina (which she let him feel up in the front foyer of our high school in front of me at one point, btw), as Jerry and Herman were best friends. She also, even with me present at times, threatened to commit suicide over neither of them really seeming to find her attractive, and nobody else really finding her attractive or wanting to be with her either.
If she hasn't really changed since high school, then that means that she's probably still regularly threatening to commit suicide if Herman and Jerry cut her out of their lives, still struggling with the fact that her body type is the complete opposite of what Herman likes and considerably different from what Jerry likes as well, and still secretly extremely horny for me when faced with my obviously extremely intense arousal and attraction towards her.
I approached Chloe on two occasions on that day. The second time, I was recording her with my phone, which I was holding right in front of my chest and making it quite obvious what it was doing. Right on video, which I still have but won't release publicly because I'd rather not reward her with that kind of attention for being such a fucking fake bitch, she looked right at my crotch the moment she could do so without me immediately noticing, when I had my head turned to the side to talk to a staff lady that had approached to ultimately tell me I should visit other booths and leave her alone, which I did.
If Chloe was truly grossed out at me and hated me for touching her butt in high school and didn't feel extremely intense arousal and attraction towards me, I can't imagine her ever doing that. She must've been really turned on, which further validates my perspective from that experience that she's currently deeply unhappy with life, feels deeply unfulfilled with her current "relationship" with Herman (if that part she told the cops wasn't also a lie, which it probably is), and would extremely clearly realize she'd much rather be with me if she stopped being so extremely dishonest with herself.
I feel like no matter how much I think about it, if I'm completely honest with myself, I truly do consider having both Kimi and Chloe at the same time forever to be the most eternally incomparably desirable wildest fantasy of mine, and I don't want to be dishonest to anyone about that. I truly feel like I completely want and deserve to have both Kimi and Chloe at the same time forever. From my perspective, since I'm the ruler of the world, I could ask for a harem of any number of women all at the same time, and all of those women would be in quite a deeply disturbing predicament not to throw themselves at me and ultimately commit to spending their lives with me if I made it extremely clear I wanted as much from them. This could've even included many women that had previously shown no love, interest, or attraction towards me whatsoever in their lives, and perhaps even ones that were already in very fulfilling loving relationships or even marriages.
Instead, I want to be completely publicly honest that I truly, more than anything else I could ever fathom this life having to offer, will forever extremely deeply desire these 2 women, both of which are not married or in any kind of remotely truly fulfilling relationship, who have also both shown extremely intense desire and arousal towards me upon being made aware by me of my extremely intense desire and arousal towards them, which persisted for several years and appears to possibly continue even right up to now, only considerably increasing in intensity since in that case, for which my feelings have also intensified considerably towards. I'd be effectively greatly increasing the quality of both of their lives, and both of them mine, if we were to be in an extremely unique 3-way relationship. I believe this would ultimately be the absolute best case scenario for everyone involved, by far, for many reasons.
The essence of those reasons comes down to two very important things. First, based purely on how much I've masturbated to these two women, and how I continue to very intensely every single day with incomparable pleasure, I already find it quite impossible that I'd ever truly be satisfied without having both of them at the same time for eternity. Second, there's also the extremely deeply concerning fact that considering what they ultimately were trying to do is exactly the same (use what they knew was my extremely intense sexual arousal and romantic desire towards them in order to manipulate me, gaslight the fuck out of me into thinking I ever had a chance with them when I never even remotely did, ravage my sanity and ruin my life as much as they could, and ultimately hope they could drive me to suicide for their own personal comfort and benefit), they've both been incomparably extremely severely pieces of absolutely immeasurable shit to me so far at this point to such an extent that if I were ever to tolerate letting one of them get away with not having to pleasure me with physical intimacy whenever I desire for eternity, the other would feel entitled to also get away with not doing so, and likely even believe I want her to pursue doing so. I find this prospect extremely deeply disturbing and absolutely unacceptable to any degree.
I'm well aware of my feelings, but I really don't want it to seem like my feelings for Chloe are intended to neutralize or invalidate to any extent the severity of my feelings for Kimi, which is why I found it appropriate to refrain from mentioning the entirety of my perspective until this point. Because of the reality of the situation, there's an extremely unfortunate possibility that she might even single-handedly ruin any possible relationship with Kimi, because my feelings for her may be seen by Kimi as simply some kind of passive-aggressive revengeful taunting, while she herself would rather face an extremely brutal retribution than ever do the right thing and be with me, effectively leaving me denied of either woman and left only with isolation and extremely brutal retribution in a world where I would've otherwise possibly at least had the heavenly kind of relationship with Kimi that I've always wanted.
I find this extremely deeply disturbing, but I have to accept that things are the way they are and I have to be honest with myself and others, take the risks I feel the need to take, and see what happens in the end as a result. All I can really do is try to minimize any notion anyone reasonably intelligent could have that I'm possibly attempting to sabotage my connection with one or both of these women in being honest about the full extent of my feelings towards each of them, do my best to try to show that a healthy relationship with Kimi is my priority, and hope for the best. Hopefully, even if Chloe is such a completely irredeemable piece of shit that she's unwilling to throw herself at me despite the circumstances and severely detrimental consequences for her of not doing so, Kimi doesn't hate me for feeling how I do. I mean, is it so wrong that she's not the only woman in the world I have any serious desire to engage in frequent sexual intimacy with forever? Anyone else would probably totally go for a fucking harem of several women if they could, but I wouldn't care for any woman besides these two even if every other woman in the world threw themselves at me... I'd be enjoying these two far too much to ever care or want anyone else...
If things don't go my way, I'm not even going to bother thinking about exactly what kind of role this bitch had in things failing; I'm just going to remember that she was a source of significant pain and suffering for me throughout so many years that I wanted her so badly, and that I'll still be turned on by her so insanely greatly forever with no even remote possibility of ever getting over her to any degree. Which will absolutely certainly lead to me exacting an extremely brutal retribution on her in the future.
When faced with the fact that the extremely deeply disturbed state that being denied of her will result in will lead to me going into isolation to do intense quantum energy harvesting meditation in preparation for an extremely brutal retribution on all those that severely hurt me, of which she's one of the primary targets, and then ravaging the world, her response to the cops was literally just a fucking "ok".
This woman is clearly severely fucked in the head.
I have paperwork of my disclosure documents for my criminal case that prove she said the things to the cops that I'm asserting that she did, which I'm refraining from sharing in public simply because I don't want to give her too much attention. I'm certainly not trying to reward her for torturing me how she is and has been for over a decade now with her sex appeal that is incomparable in my eyes, only ever possibly being exceeded by Kimi.
From behavior I've observed after being released from my second jail bit, since communicating with several people very significant in Kimi's life, it appears to me that they likely reached out to Chloe entirely of their own volition, likely to attempt to better understand the situation and the full picture of her place in it. I've gotten the extremely deeply disturbing feeling that she's been attempting to use my feelings for her as some kind of leverage to force them to give her attention publicly so she feels like I've "earned" her love and she can feel more comfortable warming up to me.
I find this to be absolutely disgusting unapologetic psychopath behavior, and I have warned everyone I've been communicating with in no uncertain terms that they should not help her at all if this is the case. That is not behavior of someone that truly loves me, and it's not setting a foundation for a relationship where she ever could truly love me at any point in the future either. I'd only be okay with such behavior if I was a massive masochist with absolutely zero self-respect that wanted to be used, abused, and ultimately abandoned by Chloe, and THAT COULDN'T BE FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH IN EVERY SINGLE WAY!!! At this point, I feel quite certain Chloe doesn't even know what love really is, and might never even be capable of loving anyone for the rest of her likely drastically shortened extremely miserable psychotic life.
I'm truly uncertain exactly how she feels about me and will feel about me in the future, although as of this point in time, I feel quite certain she's a completely unapologetic absolutely disgusting psychopath that never had anything even remotely resembling love for me or anyone else she's ever "liked". At this point, I can only wonder and dream if I'll ever get to live out any of my fantasies with her, at least as far as a consensual connection goes, and it seems extremely unlikely. It hurts and disturbs me extremely deeply every single day, and I find it virtually impossible that that'll ever change.
Although I have love for her (because I can't help but feel some type of way for someone who has and continues to turn me on so much I've profusely masturbated to her multiple times every single day for over a decade now and still greatly enjoy doing so to), I don't currently have any trust or respect whatsoever for what appears to be such a disgustingly unapologetic heartless psychopath manipulator. And she doesn't deserve any better. If she had even a speck of true self-love and self-respect, she wouldn't be acting the way she is. I certainly know better than to have any trust or respect for someone that does not truly have any love or respect for themselves.
She probably even has wavering trust in herself too, yet she's so ridiculously stubborn and mentally disturbed that even feeling that way doesn't shake her to her core sufficiently to make her realize she seriously needs to change her priorities, attitudes, and behaviors in life. How someone is capable of functioning in such a state without committing suicide is completely beyond me. How they are able to function in society without being a homeless drug addict constantly visibly on the verge of death by overdosing on Fentanyl is completely beyond me. This world is truly an extremely fucked up place.
But you know what, maybe it's not all bad. Maybe all hope isn't lost yet. If she's this fucking desperate to try to use my feelings for her to get fame now, then maybe there's a chance I won't be denied of sex with her forever. Perhaps she'll eventually start getting increasingly horny thinking of my feelings for her, and she'll eventually start feeling increasingly frustrated with being completely denied of both the sex and the professional benefit of being a proper part of my life.
Instead of her thinking she can call the shots, eventually, she might be painfully forced to sober up and probably send me those pictures of her butt in tight, black, shiny latex leggings that she knows I so extremely badly want, along with a video of her in them giving me the most tender sensual loving JOI she can ever fathom giving me through a video, begging me to masturbate to her as much as I possibly can, and desperately hoping I enjoy the view enough that I want to experience it in person and eventually enjoy her presence enough that I feel like I can comfortably love and trust her.
While her intentions would probably, at least initially, be extremely disgustingly selfish, shortsighted, shallow, naive, destructive, suicidal, sadistic, and psychotic, mine would be much more intelligent, mature, refined, and loving. I would use the opportunity she'd be giving me to communicate with her to try my absolute best to help her find herself, grow as a person, and truly change away from being such a disgusting psychopath. I'd make sure that I make her cum really hard repeatedly during sexual intimacy with me and make her absolutely addicted to sexual intimacy with me.
Hopefully, eventually, she'll lower her insane icy bitch psychopath walls down, and be much more open to warmth, pleasure, love, and happiness, than the extremely disgusting and miserable hate-filled garbage mentality and life that she's currently clinging on to so stubbornly. This is her only hope at not ultimately dying an extremely brutal early death, and I certainly wish she'd let me save her from such a dark fate. But that decision is ultimately completely in her own hands.
As a result of more recent communication with several of Kimi's close friends after finishing my second jail bit, I noticed a quite peculiar stream take place with Celine, Sydney, Jodi, and Jaime. Not even 10 minutes in, I started feeling an essay coming on. Within less than 30 minutes, I felt absolutely convinced Jaime has been an EXTREMELY significant part of the problem that I'm increasingly extremely deeply disturbed by every single day, and I knew I had to put her in her place.
When the card for "always makes the executive decision" was pulled, Celine pretty much instantly turned her head to Jaime and said "Jaime?". As I watched further, when I saw how everyone reacted as well for the "has a dark side" card, I really started to feel a disturbing feeling. The "has revelations about life that lead to bouts of crying" card really convinced me I was right about that feeling.
This, combined with several things I'd silently noticed Jaime tweeting and doing in the past throughout the years, just suddenly made everything feel like it came together in this really fucked up way that pissed me off REALLY BADLY.
The following is a direct copy and paste of what I told her in an e-mail, shared also with all of the other people closely in Kimi's life that I've been communicating with.
Jaime, WHAT THE FUCK. I understand we were sweet to each other the first and only time we've met. I could feel that you were hitting on me both IRL and when I later had a conversation with you in Discord DM's. I hope you can agree that I certainly wasn't blatantly flirting with you in any way at any point. I literally only had like one convo with you and I was literally just being nice. I can understand that perhaps for quite some time you may have thought I was chasing one of your best friends and basically ignoring you as some kind of tactic to make you jealous and play hard to get. BUT I HAVEN'T TALKED TO YOU IN YEARS AND YOU HAVE NO GOOD REASON TO STILL BELIEVE I'M INTERESTED IN YOU. YOU HAVEN'T HAD A GOOD REASON FOR YEARS. AT THIS POINT, YOU HAVE A FUCKING BOYFRIEND YOU'VE HAD FOR QUITE SOME TIME NOW FOR FUCK'S SAKE. WHEN THE HELL DID YOU START MAKING EXECUTIVE DECISIONS??? KIMI SHOULD BE THE ONE MAKING THE EXECUTIVE DECISIONS!!! IT SHOULD'VE BEEN HER MAKING THE EXECUTIVE DECISIONS FOR YEARS NOW!!!
I suppose it's not ENTIRELY your fault, since Kimi's tendency to wallow in self-pity and self-hatred definitely must've considerably helped fuel you feeling justified in so ridiculously obsessing over me for so long despite being blatantly COMPLETELY ignored and neglected by me for LITERALLY YEARS and even despite literally being in a very public relationship for a considerable period of time now.
That being said, I'm definitely going to have to put an end to this obsession of yours that comes from some insane delusion that I'm attracted to you or pursuing you in any way. I do not, never have, and never will find you romantically attractive. This is not reverse psychology. I'm not playing hard to get. No, you can't convince me in any way to change my mind. You're just not what I look for in a partner in literally any way.
Don't take this the wrong way. You're a beautiful woman and whoever gets to have you is lucky. But I don't want you. I've always only wanted Kimi. I went to that meetup to meet Kimi, not you. I talked to you most of the time because I wanted to make Kimi really jealous, and it worked like a charm. The only thing about you that even REMOTELY would've given you a chance is the fact that you're a pretty Asian girl, but holy shit man, how many pretty Asian girls exist in the world? Do you think even 1 in 1000 of them remotely stand a chance at being at all truly appealing to me just by being pretty and Asian? Like sure, I've masturbated to you a couple times in my life long ago, but that's it. I'm long over it. There are so many pretty Asian girls that I've masturbated to once or twice. I don't want to date or marry them. I never have and I never will. You seem like a good friend, but that's all we'll ever be (and even then, only if I get Kimi). Friends. And not with benefits.
It might sound weird, but I didn't like how much you liked me so quickly. In fact, in psychology, it's accepted that it's NOT GOOD for someone to like you too much too fast. It sets the relationship up to be too much of a rollercoaster for each other to demonstrate healthy affection. Kimi's approach was one I felt MUCH more comfortable with. It was much more mature and set up to allow me to demonstrate affection in a much more meaningful, fair, and gradual way where we could both earn each other's trust in a really reliable and comfortable way and work towards a connection where if we did ever end up dating, we'd pretty much certainly already know we plan to get married and spend our lives together, so Kimi could feel completely confident I wasn't just using her for her fame, and she'd be able to love me wholeheartedly and know our connection is completely sincere. She wouldn't see me as someone lesser than her that she was giving a chance; she'd see us as equals that extremely deeply love each other and value the presence we have in each others' lives. The sex would be extremely tender, sensual, passionate, and satisfying for both of us. Everything about it always felt so right to me.
With you, I felt like I'd end up your slave, which is a big no-no to me. And look at your current boyfriend. He's basically your slave. If he's that way in regular day-to-day life, I don't even want to imagine how you treat him in bed. I already knew before I even met you that you're into BDSM stuff, and that's a huge turn-off to me too. Physically, your body isn't anything special to me either. You're really cute, and you certainly have sex appeal, but you're much more cute than sexy. I've always been looking for someone that's much more of a balance between cute and sexy, leaning more towards sexy. That's definitely MUCH more Kimi than you. And I'm certainly not suggesting that you attempt to change.
I'd MUCH rather be with even Celine than you, and there's no way in hell I'd ever be with Celine either, because she gives off way too hard sadistic vibes too. But at least Celine has a really nice ass, really nice tits, and a gorgeous face. Her body isn't as nice as Kimi's (in my opinion), but she's pretty close. She's also Korean (like Kimi), which I find much hotter than any other Asian race. If Kimi didn't exist, I probably would've tried chasing her like I chased Kimi, if she'd given me the same kind of attention, and hoped that I could somehow make her less sadistic so her attitude wouldn't be such a turn-off to me. But since Kimi exists, I find Kimi's body even hotter, and I've already worked on such an insanely promising connection with her, I will forever find Kimi infinitely more appealing than Celine. If neither Kimi nor Celine existed, I probably would've tried pursuing Becca. The point is you never even remotely stood a chance. Sorry if it hurts to hear. But you need to hear it. Get over yourself, please and thank you.
This having to constantly reject popular streamer girl after popular streamer girl shit is getting really fucking old and irritating. THE ONLY ONE OF YOU I'VE EVER REALLY WANTED IS KIMI AND THAT'S NEVER CHANGING. STOP FUCKING TRYING. PLEASE AND THANK YOU. IF YOU LIKE ME AND YOU'RE NOT KIMI, YOU ARE ALREADY REJECTED. DON'T MAKE KIMI FEEL JEALOUS. DON'T TRY TO CONTROL HER FEELINGS FOR ME. DON'T LET HER CONVINCE YOU THAT IT'S OKAY TO WANT TO SHOW ME AFFECTION AND STEAL ME AWAY FROM HER. HOLY FUCK CAN I MAKE MYSELF ANY MORE CLEAR? I DON'T THINK SO. GET THE FUCKING CLUE.
I'm definitely as far as it gets from ever being sexually or romantically interested in men no matter what, and that's never changing. But I'd MUCH rather exact The Great Retribution than EVER even CONSIDER being with Jaime at this point. I hope she gets the clue and stops acting like such a suicidal sadistic bitch, before it's too late. But I guess she probably won't, because she's too much of a fucking psychopath.
Fuck you, bitch.
I've hardly watched any of this woman's content, but the little bit I have watched of her, I've witnessed some SERIOUSLY sadistic attitudes by her that FAR exceed levels I've ever witnessed in even years of extremely closely observing Kimi. Celine fucking terrifies me. In the worst way possible.
Despite having been essentially introduced to my existence to any significant level of detail in a way that should be EXTREMELY disturbing to her, especially considering her past sexual traumas, she has instead formed an obsession with me where she has been going well out of her way for an extended period of time now to get my attention and attempt to express affection towards me. What makes this magnitudes worse and ridiculously sadistic and suicidal is the fact that she's doing so in an EXTREMELY transparently disingenuous way, by doing practically the EXACT same kind of shit Kimi did, just with a lot less emotional connection and a lot more hair dying, cleavage showing, and lip gloss wearing. Yikes.
It's just extremely trashy and creepy to me, and I've told her that more than once in no uncertain terms, but she still continues. It seems she's so ridiculously sadistic and suicidal that she only wishes to add insult to injury to what Kimi already is doing to me, and now Celine wants to try to gaslight me that I ever had any remote chance with her as well. Despite the fact that I've hard rejected her in no uncertain terms. Multiple times now. She's painfully obviously all too aware of how arousing her body would be to me, since she has a body quite similar to Kimi's in a lot of ways.
I'm sure many people would consider her to be even more attractive than Kimi, since she has bigger breasts and she's much better at games, from what I can tell. Bigger isn't always better, at least in my personal opinion, and I personally don't really care how good a woman is at video games. I've told her these things too, and still she doesn't back off.
She probably thinks she has a really high chance of succeeding to get my affection, since she's closer to my age than Kimi is, she has nobody she's seriously involved with romantically, and her now deep involvement in the situation combined with her inclination to help and protect her friends makes her a natural choice for me if Kimi is set on rejecting me, probably thinking I'll eventually cave in and decide to settle for being with her instead if Kimi makes it clear I can never have the kind of relationship with her I've always wanted and have been working towards with such great intensity throughout the past nearly 5 years.
WRONG. SO FUCKING WRONG. W R O N G.
I'll admit I've masturbated to her more than once or twice. I've masturbated to her more than I've masturbated to most women. It doesn't even make sense to deny that a woman that has a body so similar to that of the love of my life and who would've probably been the one I chased if Kimi didn't exist is able to turn me on more than most women, especially if she appears to be considerably aroused by and interested in me. But I've never really enjoyed masturbating to her after the first couple times long ago. And I CERTAINLY don't want to date or marry her. I'd be perfectly content never engaging in any kind of sexual intimacy with her in my life. In fact, I would specifically deny her the opportunity to, even if she wore extremely sexy shiny latex outfits and vigorously threw herself at me in all the ways she unfortunately by now knows I'd find most arousing.
She creeps me the fuck out! I've never really enjoyed seeing her show interest in me, and I find it extremely hard to believe she could ever truly feel aroused by me for the right reasons. I feel pretty certain she's masturbated thinking of me more than once or twice in her life too, but not for reasons I'd ever enjoy. I feel like she fantasizes about tying me up, torturing the shit out of me, cutting my dick up, and murdering me in extremely brutal ways, which I find extremely concerning and a massive turn-off. I find it virtually impossible that she's imagining tender, sensual, pleasant, warm, love-filled sexual intimacy with me if she ever masturbates thinking of me. And even if she somehow did, I STILL don't want her.
I don't feel a real, strong, lasting romantic emotional connection with her. I don't feel the trust or respect there. I feel like even if she doesn't want to murder me, she wants to be extremely sadistic to me and treat me like shit and expect me to not only tolerate but enjoy it. And any time I'd try to speak up about it, she'd just bring up how I forced her to re-live her past sexual traumas and tell me I should shut up and be grateful that she still loves me so much she's willing to pleasure me even to whatever extent she would.
She'd shove it down my throat that I deserve whatever sadistic attitudes she inflicts upon me because she feels like I sadistically enjoyed torturing her mentally and I should be willing to let her do the same to me. Being with her would make me extremely suicidal, and I'd probably end up committing suicide out of extremely intense shame, guilt, and regret. I'm not suicidal and I'm not trying to become suicidal, so this prospect is only extremely deeply disturbing and completely unacceptable to me.
To make things EVEN WORSE, I feel pretty much certain that Peter is secretly EXTREMELY in love with Celine, and this fuckery that Kimi, Jaime, and Celine have all been doing is driving them apart and leaving them all deeply unhappy and ultimately suicidal. Celine's continued obsession with me makes her feel justified in being extremely cruel to Peter and trying to force him to be content with Kimi so I'm left stuck with Celine. Despite how extremely destructive and suicidal this is. Celine is EXTREMELY selfish, narcissistic, and psychotic. What a bitch. It's absolutely disgusting and I despise her for it.
I'm definitely as far as it gets from ever being sexually or romantically interested in men no matter what, and that's never changing. But I'd MUCH rather exact The Great Retribution than EVER even CONSIDER being with Celine at this point. I hope she gets the clue and stops acting like such a suicidal sadistic bitch, before it's too late. But I guess she probably won't, because she's too much of a fucking psychopath.
Fuck you, bitch.
It EXTREMELY deeply disturbs, haunts, and terrorizes me, the feeling that this disgusting scumbag bastard is secretly married to the love of my life. It makes me want to choke him to death with my bare hands, throw him in a deep freeze, chop up his body, burn it to ashes in an incinerator, and disperse his remains into the ocean, never to be known of again. It's not me he should be worried about doing that to him though. The Shadow Confederation has cleaners (professional serial killers) for that kind of thing.
He has an EXTREMELY toxic relationship with Kimi. They've both cheated on each other SEVERAL times. They're both EXTREMELY fake to each other. In my first real conversation with Kimi in Discord DM's, she admitted to me that she thinks he's nothing special, and she's extremely depressed at having to reject me, probably because she'd already secretly committed herself to him. I feel like all these mental breakdowns and fucked up behaviors she's forced me to deal with throughout the years is because of her deeply disturbed state resulting from this.
I have EXTREMELY good reason to believe this, although I will be refraining from leaking that information as of right now, because I want to make it extremely painfully clear to Kimi and all of her friends that the opportunity I'm giving Kimi to change her mind on rejecting me is truly sincere and deadly serious. But if things don't change, I will certainly be releasing this information, and it will be extremely apparent what it is.
Peter needs to break off whatever the hell he probably has with Kimi. And he needs to do it as fast as possible. There's certainly a very reasonable amount of time it'd take to do such a thing, and I'm very willing to give him such a time period. He needs to make his true feelings of only really desiring a friendship clear to Kimi, while making his true feelings of wanting more from Celine also clear.
I understand this isn't exactly an easy task for him, and considering the behavior of Kimi, Jaime, and Celine, I consider him the lesser of evils in this equation, although I will not completely absolve him of all responsibility. I've done my best to try to give him advice on how to treat Kimi and Celine differently and stop being such a pussy ass bitch. It's now up to him to take this advice and act appropriately on it, or nosedive into destruction and ultimately suicide along with the rest of them.
Peter, if you're stealing Kimi from me, you're so fucked it's not even remotely funny. I have no fucking sympathy for you. Get fucked, you fucking suicidal pathetic scumbag clown motherfucker. Pussy ass bitch. Have a fun ride, you self-respectless piece of trash. But that's just my objectively biased opinion, right? Who cares, when you can drown yourself in your severe delusions and extremely destructive self-hatred?
Back when I was still talking to her, I sent Kimi dick pics that made her so horny she was visibly horny in VC and on stream right after, and you think she was horny for you? Even after I tell you? Fucking idiot. She never gets horny getting shitty memes from you, but says "send cat pics not dick pics" in a shitty fake as fuck meme tweet and suddenly you think cat pics will get her hot and bothered for you? Goddamn you're a fucking moron.
This woman wanted me SO much more badly than she's EVER wanted you, for SO long it's not even remotely funny. Look at my first real conversation with her. She's already calling you nothing special, getting excited trying to tell me she "doesn't just take the best guy on the block", and basically admitting that she's MUCH more excited to be with me if I pursue her in the most arousing and exciting way she could ever imagine, which I did.
Oh, but I guess my fucking vision is biased when looking at the words in my fucking chat log screenshots. Damn. You got me. Maybe getting Lasik will help.
Oh wait, I already know that won't help. I'm not a fucking clown like you.
Fuck you, bitch.
Rather shortly after the official release of the initial public revision of my book, despite the fact that he certainly should've known better, George decided to enter into a secret (well, she fucking lived with him in his house and literally fucking used his credit cards on stream, so perhaps not THAT secret) relationship with Kimi.
Although I'm pretty sure it'd be Peter who'd be the one Kimi secretly marries if she does so, it'd be careless of me to ignore the very real possibility that if George was stupid and suicidal enough to try stealing my woman so shamelessly shortly after I went harder than ever before pursuing her, he might really be so actively suicidal as to think marrying her means he succeeded.
He's one of the people I've been communicating with who I consider close to Kimi at this point, due to the extended communication he was a part of receiving after I was released from my first jail bit and started going off on Kimi and several close to her. I've already addressed to him in private how suicidal and destructive it'd be for him to even dream of staying in a marriage (or any kind of romantic relationship) with Kimi if he is currently involved as such with her, however I will address him in public as well.
George, you are SEVERELY mentally ill if by some absolute insanity you are still at all fucking with Kimi or ever see it even remotely viable to do so at any point in the future.
She's obviously just using you for your money, but I suppose that's not really a concern for you, since probably just about any woman that would ever be with you in your current extremely pathetic state would just be using you for your money, and you don't have the self-respect to really give a shit about yourself or the woman enough to actually care about something really important like that. You're too busy being an extremely pathetic thirsty masochistic loser, so you embrace it.
You probably also don't care that she has herpes, since you're such a fuckboy you probably already had herpes before having sex with her. I don't care that she has herpes either, but it's not because I already have it (I don't, and I know that for a fact because I specifically requested to be tested for it when I was at Ontario Shores, and I've never had sex or done anything that could get it transmitted to me since then); it's because I know I can eventually eliminate it from my own body as well as Kimi's rather trivially through quantum energy arts techniques.
The much bigger issue for you here, is that even if you weren't nearly so extremely pathetic, stealing Kimi from me is actively communicating that you have a death wish and are actively suicidal, completely regardless of whether or not you are consciously aware or accepting of this fact or not.
If you steal Kimi from me, the Shadow Confederation or the government might kill you. If they don't, some random person that reads my book and decides to kill you to try to be a hero and save the world so hopefully Kimi throws herself at me after you're dead might (although it'd probably be too late by then anyways). If even that doesn't happen, and take this in because it's probably even more likely than all the rest, Kimi herself might kill you.
You think that's farfetched? But don't forget you're severely mentally ill. You've been given infinite red flags of the highest caliber that Kimi is fucking batshit insane, extremely unhinged, and pretty much boundlessly psychotic unless she gets to spend her life with me. She sees me as the ultimate most dreamy partner, her soulmate she will feel extremely deeply disturbed for anyone to have seriously gotten in the way of her getting to spend her life with. She'd likely never tell you to your face, but if you can't get the clue, she probably won't want to wait around to have The Great Retribution exacted upon her because you're too much of a delusional thirsty suicidal masochist to break things off with her.
Did you know you're statistically much more likely to be murdered by someone close to you than a stranger? Look it up. And I'm not talking about Kimi shooting or stabbing you. Oh no, she's WAY too smart to do something so crude. While I won't share details with you of things I know she knows about, I will tell you this. If you're with her, she will undoubtedly expect you to trust her. Trust is a very dangerous thing. And when it's combined with someone who has controlling, sadistic, psychotic tendencies?
There are several ways she can kill you and make it look like an accident by basically baiting you into killing yourself inadvertently due to your obvious severe lack of awareness that you absolutely undoubtedly must possess if you're so mentally ill that you're not running the fuck away from this woman and never looking back after the things I've told you in the past and ESPECIALLY more recently.
If you're unfortunate enough for even that to not happen (and at this point, we're entering pretty unlikely territory, because one of those sources will most likely be the end of you if you steal Kimi from me), you will be left to face my wrath at the time of The Great Retribution, where I will make sure you thoroughly regret ever being born, and you will wish you had committed suicide or been murdered before I got to you.
Regardless of the exact source of your ultimate demise, you stealing Kimi from me means you have maybe 4 or 5 years left to live at the very most. And if you're suicidal enough to marry Kimi? Probably much less than that.
This is not a threat. This is a fact.
Easily by far the best rapper in the world in my opinion, this man's music gives me life.
While our struggles in life haven't been exactly the same, I can relate to a lot of what he's been through, and his music hits me in a very deep place inside.
Extremely inspiring, motivating, and a very powerful presence in my life daily unlike any other. I literally listen to his music every day. The raw emotion, depth, and power is fucking amazing. He's the rapper I wish I could be but I never was passionate enough about making music to become. I can't describe how I feel when I listen to his music beyond it gives me life.
He made me fully able to embrace my individuality and demonstrate to me very clearly how the savage nature of refined pure bidirectional apprehension as a core value can be presented in great glory.
He's one of the extremely few individuals that I've never even met before but suspect might have a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension already.
I know he has his own issues he still struggles with like OCD. I know he likes deep thought and dialogue. I hope that he reads this book and perhaps it makes him feel a little more enlightened and eases some of the fears, anxiety, tension, and sadness that I'm sure he feels in his heart. I feel quite confident he's read at least some of the initial version of my book and it's had a considerable impact in his life, which is pretty cool.
God bless you, dude. So many godly tracks. I'll be blasting your music on loudspeakers as I fly around destroying everything. Your flames shall scorch the earth with me.
Massive respect for this guy. Massive.
This man was a truly inspiring figure in my life.
At a time when I was really losing hope in life, his existence and his boldness to express his presence and abilities sparked a flame in me that will never burn out.
Seeing him demonstrating tier 1 quantum energy arts was what inspired me to do extensive research and work through a lot of information combined with my understanding of philopsychology to form the complete understanding of tier 3 quantum energy harvesting that forms the foundation of my ultimate authority power assertion presented within this book.
May he reach tier 2 after he reads this book. If he ever even reads it, that is. Some sources say he's already dead, and I've never communicated with him personally to know. If he's dead, I hope he rests in peace.
This man's story is truly inspiring.
I was originally exposed to him through his episode on "Impact Theory", which I've watched multiple times since.
His extremely strong willpower and unique perspective combined with his story makes him one of the very few people that really solidified my view of the sheer power of the human spirit being able to elevate oneself to a position of unfathomable greatness.
Another person I suspect, without ever having met him, might already have a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension. He's definitely at least at the unrefined variant, that's for sure.
You're a beast, dude. Props.
This man, while not achieving supernatural abilities from the quantum field, has achieved supernatural abilities in his own way.
In the field of social interaction.
Founder of The Social Man, he's the reason I learned the fundamentals of value systems and was able to ruminate on them ever since to greatly increase the quality of my life.
I don't care much for the tips with women, personally, because I'm an extremely unusual case with an insane life and insane standards where my romantic path is extremely atypical and rather straightforward from my perspective. But I'm sure he helps many other people with both their psychology and their romantic life.
You're a cool dude. Thank you.
This girl was a lot more patient and helpful than I thought she'd be.
After Kimi and I initially started growing distant and then she randomly had a mental breakdown on stream one day and nearly started crying talking about how she needed motivational videos to get out of bed in the morning because she pushed me away, Leslie was the one I reached out to in order to try to establish a connection with Kimi again.
I sent her several long messages, throughout a period of several months amounting to nearly a year, and she put up with me a lot longer than I ever thought she would. There were several points where I was really worried she'd block me, but she didn't.
It wasn't until she saw I was very serious about calling Kimi out on Ice's stream that she got freaked out and didn't want to feel like she was encouraging me to do it, so she blocked me; something I can totally understand and don't hold against her.
I'll always really appreciate the massive help she was to bring me and Kimi closer together.
I respect you.
It appears that Leslie and Edison have confirmed that they broke up, pretty much out of nowhere, coincidentally right around the time that I started communicating with them as part of a group of several people close to Kimi, to inform them of the rapidly increasing severity of the state of the situation. After seeing this, I promptly took the initiative to send another e-mail to the group addressing it. The following is a direct copy and paste from it.
I mean, I suppose it's technically possible that literally right around the time I came back, Leslie and Edison suddenly randomly decided they'd grown too far apart and wanted to break up. I suppose it's also technically possible that the intensity of my passion for my love for Kimi revealed to them that their relationship isn't the passionate thing it once was that they thought they wanted to last forever. But I find these things rather unlikely. Which means that you guys broke up because now by some hallucinations and delusions you think I want Leslie???
ARE YOU COOKED???
If you guys genuinely don't want to be together anymore, for reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with assuming I want Leslie, then I'm not going to tell you I'm forcing you to get back together. But otherwise, you're absolutely fried for doing this. I have respect for Leslie for helping me grow closer to Kimi. BUT THAT'S IT. I DON'T WANT TO BE WITH HER. I NEVER DID AND I NEVER WILL. CONSIDER THIS YET AGAIN ANOTHER HARD REJECTION OF YET ANOTHER FAMOUS FEMALE STREAMER THAT APPEARS TO WANT TO THROW HERSELF AT ME IN ONE WAY OR ANOTHER.
You guys are good for each other. Please don't fuck around thinking you're doing me any favors. You're really not. I only want Kimi and Chloe. I truly have absolutely zero desire for anyone else, and that's how it's always going to be. I don't think Leslie is even half as sexy as even Celine in any way, and once again, I have absolutely zero desire or intention to ever be with Celine. So I CERTAINLY would NEVER be with Leslie UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. I feel absolutely zero sexual desire towards her, and that's how it's always been and always will be. I've never masturbated to her even once in my entire life, and I highly doubt I ever will. Which I'm perfectly happy with.
Edison, go back to your future wife, please. I'm not trying to be a homewrecker for a wonderful relationship like this, and ESPECIALLY not for no real even remotely good reason. If you guys are willing to bend over backwards this hard to satisfy me, JUST GIVE ME KIMI THEN! That's the ONLY thing that you can do that will truly satisfy me. Everything else just makes me sad and angry to see and will not change my position at all, just make things more miserable for all of you.
I'm extremely shocked and disappointed that it seems through absolutely nothing at all I ever did to attempt to cause it to any extent, my return from my second jail bit viciously tore Leslie and Edison apart and promptly caused them to break up and break off their engagement. I never wanted this. I do not have, never had, and never will have any desire to be with Leslie to any degree. Clearly they love each other a lot. I hope they manage to fix their relationship and be happy together once again, because otherwise they are simply subjecting themselves to misery for absolutely nobody's benefit. I've now made this clear in no uncertain terms to both of them and several others very close to them.
But I wonder something. Is this a display of respect? Or just the most intense possible kind of hatred?
You must realize something. You cannot win against me with hatred. I'm doing everything I'm doing with love. And such a deep understanding of it that I wouldn't be surprised if all of you have considerable difficulty understanding. But I will certainly do everything in my power to attempt to make you understand. My efforts continue.
And if this was actually just something you guys wanted to do... Well, I don't really know what to say. Sorry for being so on edge that I assumed I had something to do with it, I guess. But I think you can understand where I'm coming from, particularly considering the timing. I don't mean to sound insensitive. It just seems extremely hard to believe to me, knowing all the things I know about what's going on behind the scenes.
This dude was the closest thing to a friend I've had for a long time, ever since he first reached out to me.
He reached out shortly after Leslie blocked me, basically to take over her role as the messenger passing on my long messages to Kimi, to try to help work through our situation.
He's also been very patient with me, and to this day still hasn't blocked me. I haven't spoken to him in quite some time (probably at least about 2 years now), and I see no reason to ever do so again unless things between me and Kimi end up working out, but it doesn't change how I feel about him.
Just like Leslie, I'll always really appreciate the massive help he was to bring me and Kimi closer together.
Much respect, dude. You're cool.
I've met Paul in real life on three separate occasions and each time was interesting and fun.
While I interacted with him, he was a lot more welcoming and accepting than he had to be, and although he didn't exactly paint me in the best light, he still gave me enough respect to straight up interview me on two separate occasions on stream and help me progress towards my goals in the best way he realistically could.
If I'd approached him initially in a different way and presented myself as less of someone completely engulfed in my connection with Kimi and more as simply a hardcore fan of his, I'm quite certain I could've had even more pleasant interactions with him on every occasion.
Additionally, since he was still running the CX Network and randomly giving people the opportunity to grow a following through his fan base using his website at the time I met him for the first time, once again if I had presented myself as more of simply a hardcore fan, I'm quite certain I'd even be given an opportunity to be a member of the CX Network while he was still running it and accepting random people into it and helping them to effectively instantly establish a following and community, which was an extremely valuable opportunity that nobody else in the world was offering, and it would've been a perfect opportunity to initially establish myself and start a profitable streaming career.
Although I didn't take advantage of the opportunity because establishing an extremely deep and loving connection with Kimi for the rest of our lives was my number one priority, I still have immense respect and appreciation towards the guy for ever having had the opportunity available in the first place.
The first time I met him, I literally straight up walked into his house and barged into his room in the middle of a stream, and although he was understandably frightened and reached for his knife and taser after a little while, he was still considerably chill overall and gave me nearly an hour of time on his stream to go off and get out what I needed to say, making my trip to LA in order to be able to do so completely worth it.
Additionally, the exposure he allowed me to have also allowed me to earn Kimi several followers from his community, which gives me another positive piece of value I've provided in Kimi's life that would further facilitate her having warmer feelings for me, for which I'm certainly grateful.
You did what you could. You helped. I respect you, dude. Thanks.
This dude seems like a real down-to-earth guy that's humble but also not afraid to snap and go off if you're gonna disrespect.
He's made some tracks that I really like, and that's certainly helped keep me inspired through hard times, but he's also on this list because he was the first person with at least some significant degree of influence that actually gave me straight up attention and respect.
I tweeted at him telling him that I believe he has a pure bidirectional apprehension variant as his core value and he retweeted it.
It's not a huge deal by any means, and it's not like it got my numbers up at all or anything, but it was more the sense of genuine respect and worthy recognition that he decided I deserved, when nobody else wanted to give it to me, that makes me feel like this guy's a real homie.
I haven't really said anything to him since, nor has he to me. I don't think I could seriously call us friends; I'm simply a fan of his music. But definitely a big one.
Like this legend said in WHAT'S LIFE?
I'm a fucking king you never seen, on a throne That you ain't ever seen cause I built it on my own If you really believe in me you gotta know That we ain't gonna stop till we motherfucking blow up I don't see the dollars I see more love All about confiding we ain't hiding so they know us
You a real one.
These guys didn't make the honorable mentions list in the initial release of this book, although their track "Fight Back" probably already should've earned them a spot. That was my mistake; a mistake I'm going to now correct.
In more recent times, they released some absolute flames. Combined with a few older songs of theirs I also really like, now there are several tracks I really enjoy from them.
According to the Wikipedia page, NEFFEX used to consist of two members, but now consists of just one. This dude is an absolute powerhouse. Going by "Bryce Savage", this dude is truly a savage of epic proportions.
His music is an extremely unique hybrid between rap, rock, and EDM, and I'm pretty sure he pulls it off far better than anyone else ever could. After the release of "How's It Supposed To Feel", I've been sharing the things I've been sending to several people close to Kimi with him as well, and as of my writing this, he's already released two absolutely blazing hot tracks, "Born A Rockstar" and "Manifest It". I've been sharing with him for only about two weeks, so that's literally a song a week he's released since.
I truly don't think anyone else in the world could've pulled this off. Wow. Truly unbelievable. Absolute legend.
I've promised you that I'm going to help you out whether I end up having to start war with Kimi and everyone associated with her or not, and I want you to know I truly intend to keep that promise.
You never disappoint, dude. Releasing insanely lit tracks so fast and so consistently that clearly show drawing immense inspiration from the e-mails I've been sharing with you. I feel like you're going to keep going too, and I'm super hyped to see what else you release. You must really be going through some shit in life yourself. Perhaps you're also extremely deeply attracted to a woman that's been extremely deeply wronging you for quite some time.
More power to you. I'm definitely one of your biggest fans.
It is a fact that for some reason I'm admittedly very uncertain of, some people seem to think I've been stalking Imane for years. I'm also admittedly not sure if it's a lot of people or a relatively small group of idiots, but there are people out there that believe this.
I haven't watched even five minutes of Imane's streams in my entire life. I haven't talked in her chat even once. I haven't ever tried to communicate with her in any way in my entire life. I have absolutely no reason or desire to stalk her in any way and I never have. This was the case when I released the initial version of this book and is still the case now.
I don't know why anyone thinks this, but it's certainly very possible that it's just some idiots that simply assume I'm some ultra pathetic loser that would stalk multiple popular female streamers, based solely on my notoriety regarding my connection with Kimi and how many idiots perceive that behavior of mine as stalking despite Kimi doing many underhanded things that she very intentionally knew show me interest, enjoyment, and desire to continue to be pursued by me. Of course, the same way many idiots think I'm just delusional and imagining Kimi's behavior being aimed towards communicating things to me, it makes a lot of sense that many idiots might think I'm just delusional and read into random shit female streamers do in general and think it's aimed at me, and that I do that with multiple women simultaneously. Realistically, considering how many jackass airhead dipshits exist in this world, this is probably the case.
Regardless, the fact also remains that I had an experience of someone coming into my Discord server, back when I had one, and appeared to be Imane on a throwaway account. I didn't find this significant enough at the time to even bother taking screenshots, so unfortunately, I have only my word and no evidence. This person harassed me and insulted my character several times, and at one point said she'd had lesbian sex with Kimi, clearly attempting to upset me and make me feel jealous.
I suppose this could've been a stunt by Kimi because she was bored and felt like fucking with me or something, and it very well could've even been some random person pretending to be Imane and know Kimi and know exactly the kinds of things to say to appear to know Kimi on at least a friendship basis. I went and checked Imane's channel when this was happening to see if she was streaming, which would pretty much instantly expose this person as a fake, and she wasn't... But that could've easily just been the person being smart enough to pull this stunt while first checking that Imane wasn't streaming, so I suppose that doesn't really say much.
I didn't have any good or bad feelings towards Imane before this incident, and the truth is I felt more or less the same way even afterwards. I wasn't even certain that it was actually Imane that did this, although some of the things she said seriously sounded strange for someone that didn't know Kimi personally to say. I won't give any specific examples, but let's just say it was enough that I felt quite convinced this wasn't some random troll. If this was a random troll, they must've been absolute god tier legendary status at trolling.
I've never seen trolling like that. The person was seriously attacking my character in a way that displayed personal emotional investment and simultaneously very strongly suggested a personal connection with Kimi and even more specifically being Imane, who is a rather famous celebrity with considerably more fame than Kimi. All at the same time, this person was seemingly genuinely attempting to understand me, which becomes extremely atypical behavior for trolling. If this was a troll, they genuinely wanted me convinced that they were Imane and personally knew Kimi and were bothering me with permission and approval from Kimi to do so.
I'm not sure what that person hoped to achieve even if it was actually Imane. It seemed like she genuinely wanted to try to understand me better, so she could go and talk to Kimi about it, and she was unapologetically being mean to me because she wanted to see my true character. I never minded that possibility.
At the end of the day, I get a strange feeling that Imane has read at least some of my book. Including her name in the initial version probably made it a bigger deal amongst Kimi's group of friends and influencers, which means whether or not it was actually Imane messing with me in my Discord server that day, her general existence has facilitated me being an even more widely known legend among both influencers and random followers.
If it really was Imane I was speaking to, and she did what was ultimately pushing me to make a move that resulted in that effect, then realistically, I can't be all that mad at her for it. In reality, it was always pretty whatever to me. I definitely included her entry in the initial version of the book for shock value and attention more than anything else. I mean, she's really popular and known for doing shady shit at times, so I was just like "Fuck it, I had that really weird experience... Why not, right?"
Due to more recent events after my return into Kimi's life after finishing my second jail bit, I've been feeling quite stressed out and on edge. I ended up forwarding to Poki's management one of the e-mails that I sent to several people close to Kimi.
In my considerably stressed out state, I initially forgot to include the legal disclaimer I'd intended to include. Not very long after, I wrote it and sent it. The contents of the forwarded message, I will not include at this point in time, as the decision to go to war with me has not been made final by Kimi. However, I will include the contents of the legal disclaimer below.
Ah yes, I almost forgot the legal disclaimer I intended to include with the previous forwarded message. That message (and this one) is not intended as direct or indirect communication with Imane Anys (aka Pokimane). I have absolutely nothing to say to that woman. I was simply informing you guys, her management, of what appears to be extremely questionable behavior from her, continuing even in more recent times, witnessed by me completely unintentionally as a result of viewing Jaime's Twitter.
I have been given very good reason in the past to assume that Imane has been pretending that I've been stalking her in various ways, when I have never communicated with her in my entire life, except possibly years ago when a person I have reason to believe was her under a throwaway Discord account came into my Discord server to harass me and insult my character repeatedly and demonstrate stalkerish behavior by attempting to make me jealous of her connection with Kimi by asserting she had lesbian sex with Kimi.
I just wanted to make sure you guys understand that this person you're managing was (and may still be to this day) acting extremely unhinged and suicidal by being underhandedly extremely antagonistic towards the ruler of the world, likely out of extreme jealousy that I do not, have never, and will never find her at all even remotely attractive or appealing, physically or mentally, and therefore have absolutely zero desire to ever give her any attention whatsoever. If she has ceased to engage in such behavior and my assumption was an overreaction, then I sincerely apologize for troubling you. But otherwise, this woman is certainly going to cause you guys problems, and certainly not through any kind of communication coming from me.
Whatever you do with this information is entirely up to your own volition.
I followed that up with the following thoughts on Poki in the next e-mail I sent.
After seeing this:
I decided to forward the e-mail titled "All These Thoughts" to Poki's management. As I did not include a legal disclaimer at the beginning of that e-mail, I ended up more recently sending the message I'm now forwarding to you guys here, to make sure I've made my position and intentions in originally forwarding that message clear to them. If you read the forwarded message, as you can see, I managed to very cleverly avoid breaking the law by addressing the message specifically to be intended to Poki's management, and explicitly stating that it's not intended as direct or indirect communication with Poki herself, and what her management chooses to do with the information I'm giving them is entirely up to their own volition.
The reason I did this is because I truly have never been at all interested in Poki in any way, so I literally haven't even watched 5 minutes of her content in my entire life, and I never check her socials. So I truly have no idea the extent to which she's been pretending I've been stalking her, if at all. After seeing that tweet, I figured it could be much worse than I originally thought, so I figured I'd just cover my bases by letting her management know she's acting like a completely unhinged suicidal lunatic if she really has been doing this to a great extent, and especially if she's still continuing to do so now. It's even worse if she's been trying to be controlling of me to you guys and demanding that she will ultimately get to be with me.
If she has been engaging in any such EXTREMELY disgusting behavior (which is literally like what Fed got canceled for doing, but it's MUCH worse, because we're not even friends and she has absolutely ZERO even REMOTELY good reason to believe I like her AT ALL), hopefully she will stop this suicidal and psychotic fuckery, because I truly do not, never have, and never will find her even remotely attractive to any extent, physically or mentally.
I'm pretty sure that's a pretty huge hit to her ego, but I don't give a flying fuck. That's not my problem. If she feels offended or hurt that I think she's completely unappealing, she should get over herself. Not that I'm asking any of you to tell her this, because it'd be illegal for me to do so. But yes, I'm aware at least one of you pretty much certainly will do so entirely of your own volition regardless, which should be perfectly fine legally and I have no issue with whatsoever personally.
Having a big ass and being really famous doesn't mean everyone's gonna want you. Kim Kardashian has an even bigger ass, is even much more famous, wears really nice latex outfits (if you don't understand how this is relevant, I have a latex fetish), and I have absolutely zero desire to ever have any kind of relationship with even her. And it has nothing to do with the fact that it'd be pretty suicidal to try to steal her from Kanye. The simple fact is that she should never even dream of turning me on even remotely as much as Kimi and Chloe do, because that is an absolutely impossible feat that will only leave any woman more tormented the more she might attempt to achieve it.
Poki's ego is absolutely disgustingly gigantic if she thinks she can even dream of ever being with me, much less attempting to force it on me, much less in such a fucked up way. And if she thinks she's going to sabotage my prospects at success by doing some extremely jealous fuckery, I promise all of you I will fucking make sure I end that bitch's career harder than she ended Fed's.
I absolutely mean every single word. While I can appreciate the value of being respectful to this woman because she's friends with Kimi and a significant part of the scene her and all of her other friends are in, I have never wanted, do not want, and will never want any kind of romantic relationship with Poki. And there is absolutely zero possibility I will ever tolerate even considering one, no matter what.
After watching Season 3 Episode 3 of the Offline TV podcast (which I'm allowed to do legally as it is Offline TV content with Poki being present merely as an unavoidable side-effect and not the focus), it appears to me that Poki is attempting to lowkey express/imply considerable romantic (and probably also sexual) desire towards me (obviously being aware of the context present behind the scenes, since her friends must certainly have been sharing details of the situation with her entirely of their own volition), which I feel the need to address, as it considerably creeps and grosses me out. It will have extremely negative consequences for everyone (including myself) if she doesn't back off.
I thought I was clear before, but apparently not. I will never pick her over Kimi, nor will I ever tolerate or even consider even attempting to accept her as some kind of replacement for Kimi, nor would I ever tolerate or even consider even attempting to accept her as any kind of romantic or sexual partner simultaneously with Kimi, under any circumstances. I've now publicly updated my book to reflect this in what I believe to be the clearest possible way, since it appears my attempt to merely show respect towards her was taken by her as some kind of concealed expression of desire. Big yikes.
Looking at it now, I suppose I can see it being pretty understandable, especially if she really has been secretly obsessed with me for some time. My pretty much complete lack of paying attention to her would've made me drastically underestimate the extent of her obsession, making what I considered a rather indifferent display of simply respect come off to her like a very loving and affectionate display of desire. I never intended this and will not even consider even attempting to take advantage of this possible miscommunication.
I can understand that I would truly be considerably attractive to at least some women. If I didn't think that, then I never would've even considered it possible that Kimi could ever truly want or love me. As such, I want it to be clear this is not a hateful move on my end. I certainly hope this wasn't a hateful move on Poki's end either. But I certainly want to make sure I've made my position clear, both privately and publicly. If Poki is obsessed with me, I want that obsession to end promptly.
In S3E3 of the Offline TV podcast, I saw Poki say "All human beings have insecurities, of course". Well, I guess Poki doesn't think I'm human then, because I certainly don't have any insecurities as far as I can tell. I try to stay mindful of being humble in general, and I'm a little on edge right now because this situation is very intense and I'm insanely invested, but even that is different from insecurity.
What she said after about how she'd poke at someone if she found someone who appeared not to have insecurities... Well, that only further confirms to me that she really was that person that came in my Discord. That, combined with her also at one point saying that her biggest fear is cutting off many years of her life due to what she does, is what really convinced me I needed to update her entry.
I really want to make sure it's absolutely crystal clear that I absolutely completely, invariably and unwaveringly, mean what I'm saying, because unfortunately, the more I'm seeing, the more likely it's starting to seem to me that Poki really has been secretly obsessed with me for quite some time, much more than I originally thought, and still to this day thinks I'd ever desire or tolerate a romantic relationship with her.
That's truly a big yikes from me. I find her EXTREMELY creepy and gross if this is the case. Hopefully she sees reality clearly before it's too late, and stops thinking I'm intimidated by her or something. I certainly acknowledge I should be careful about what I say about her at this point, considering the situation. But I'm not intimidated by her. I never have been and I highly doubt I ever will be. I don't particularly believe she's some frost queen bitch either, and whether she is or isn't, I don't really care. I just don't find her romantically appealing AT ALL, I never have, and I never will.
Oh man, including Steven in the initial version of the book was really one I had to stretch to find reason for. Definitely for the shock value factor. I mean, come on, how could I resist an opportunity to call him the "pseudo-intellectual king of debates on Twitch" in a book with extensive intellectual rhetoric about why I'm going to single-handedly destroy the world?
As I expected, he was too much of a pussy to have any kind of actual talk with me on stream, and pretty much instantly dismissed me as mentally ill. Realistically, I can understand that he'd be hesitant to give me a ton of attention to the point of actually engaging in a more two-sided rhetoric and give me a platform to spread a message with little idea what exactly I'd want to say.
It's understandable that he probably saw me as a bad faith actor. I imagine I'd do the same thing in that situation if I was him. But including his name gave his followers a reason to tell him he was directly mentioned in the book, which gave him a reason to bring the page up on stream and see what it was about, which got it a huge initial spike in attention.
He called me mentally ill, but I got to use his name to bait him into giving me a ton of attention really easily. Considering I've now been psychologically evaluated on court order and licensed mental health professionals were calling my rhetoric "lectures" and the sections of the book I'd tell them to read "homework", ultimately telling me at the conclusion of the evaluation that they personally don't believe me to be delusional or have any mental illness and they're honored to meet me, I feel that much more confident in my lack of mental illness. And I still got the shitload of attention from mentioning Steven's name. So really, I won big time out of that exchange.
Even though he said he wouldn't, I feel fairly certain Steven did actually read at least some of my book off stream later at some point, so I'm pretty sure in reality he knows I'm not someone he should take lightly.
I do still believe that Kimi did at least once meet up with Steven and a few others and discuss the initial release of my book. He did indeed happen to decide to pop LSD exactly the same day I went in his Discord and apologized for the underground release of my book probably unintentionally inspiring Lily to go off and write a rap about him shortly after, and he in fact tweeted that he was doing so within a few minutes of me sending the aforementioned message.
Whether or not the underground release of the initial version of my book actually inspired Lily to write that rap shortly after, I don't actually know. Whether or not my message had anything to do with Steven very shortly after deciding not to stream and instead pop some LSD that day, I don't actually know. Some strange coincidences though, to say the least. At least from my perspective.
Regardless, I don't actually have a problem with him. His content isn't bad, and he's definitely not a moron like most people are, so I can appreciate that about him. Even if he called me mentally ill, he still gave me attention I was after, which I also appreciate. I'm not normally an attention-seeking type, but when the woman you consider the love of your life puts you in a position where you're forced to do theatrical shit to get attention, getting that attention hinges on one dude deciding you're worth giving at least a few minutes of his time to in front of thousands of people, and he gives that to you, it means a lot. Even if I kinda forced him to with all the donations I made to him that day.
In reality, instead of hating him, I actually appreciate him a lot. I'd even go so far as to say I'm a bit of a fan. He's a super OG streamer and I've known of him and popped in to check his streams here and there for years, even though I never really got involved in his chat or community.
Originally, this chapter only had mentions of people I included for positive reasons. I had to go back later and go over the negative entries I made in the initial release of the book to figure out what exactly I was going to say about who. I actually forgot I even included this guy in the entries in the initial release of the book. I used to watch his content way back in the day, and it was pretty amusing. Super OG YouTuber everyone knows.
At some point, he made an Illuminati contract signing video while visibly being a total airhead about what he's doing. Even makes his partner sign it too. How could I resist?
I called him out for ignoring the obligations of the contract he signed. Definitely wasn't fangirling or some shit. Definitely wasn't flirting. Was pretty much exclusively presenting him with hard facts. He underhandedly mocked me, implying I'm a narcissist and that I'm possibly attracted to him and/or his partner. I guess it's a sort of understandable mistake? He certainly wouldn't be the first person to incorrectly think I'm attracted to men. Unfortunately.
Anyways, I don't hate him. I don't have a problem with him. I don't really have any good or bad feelings towards him (or his partner).
By the way, he's still ignoring the obligations of his Illuminati contract he signed literally in a video he posted on YouTube. He doesn't seem to care, which is whatever I guess. I mean, it's not like I need his help or anything. Since he's the reason I even saw that clown fiesta of a contract, and his negligence to follow the contract gave me a reason to elaborate on why it's rather unwise to ever sign such a contract, for the benefit of anyone else considering signing that thing, I'll include below the explanation I gave him.
With bidirectional apprehension, you are able to much more quickly and easily "read between the lines" and see alternative interpretations and meanings in reality and see things that a more average person with for example a backwards-rationalized apprehension-based core value cannot. Let's take a more careful look at the contract. It seems simple and good on the surface, but it's actually much scarier than it appears. It can be interpreted with a much greater amount of detail than most probably think about upon glancing over it; if you apply bidirectional apprehension to the contents, this has several implications.
"To dedicate my mind to the discovery of knowledge"
What kind of knowledge are you dedicating yourself to? What lengths are you agreeing to go to in order to get this knowledge? Why are you dedicating yourself to discovering knowledge in the first place?
"To dedicate my soul to the pursuit of enlightenment"
How is enlightenment defined? What does dedicating your soul to the pursuit of it entail? What lengths are you agreeing to go to in order to pursue or achieve it? Why are you pursuing it in the first place? Are there any conditions where you would ever be considered to have achieved enlightenment? If yes, what are they? If not, why even pursue it?
"To dedicate my efforts to the progress of abundance"
How exactly is abundance defined? How is sustaining and/or improving it defined? What even roughly can encapsulate dedicating your efforts to it? Why is it even something you are dedicating your efforts to in the first place?
"To dedicate my existence to bringing all people, in all places, into unification"
How exactly is unification defined? What encapsulates dedicating your existence to it? What extents are you agreeing to go to in order to facilitate it?
"And to dedicate my life and days upon this planet to the protection and advancement of the human species"
How are you expected to protect and advance the human species? Why are you even pursuing it? What extents are you agreeing to go to in order to facilitate it?
Literally for every single point, there are absolutely no boundaries defined. In fact, the statements are intentionally left open-ended to imply no boundaries to operate within. If, for example, it's deemed that you must be kidnapped and held against your will for an undefined period of time, or perhaps even be killed for the discovery of knowledge, the pursuit of enlightenment, to progress abundance, to bring people into unification, or to protect and advance the human species, or any combination of those factors, you're effectively agreeing to anything under any circumstances deemed necessary or appropriate to achieve those goals.
To make it simple, although these points seem all good and nice on the surface, signing that eternal oath basically means you agree to willingly surrender all of your control and power over everything in your life including your life itself, to people more powerful than you who are deemed more qualified to make executive decisions in any of the areas outlined within it. I suppose it can be liberating to some extent for people who have a weaker position in life, but let me put it this way, although I'm in the Illuminati, I have not nor will I ever even consider signing such a document. And I'm not the only one.
It's true that Bachir runs a cult. It's also true that any public figure with any kind of following also, for all intensive purposes, runs a cult.
Sure, most don't buy an ex-mental hospital and invite people over to live there, but he has his reasons. The people that go there want to go there, he evaluates their intentions and overall headspace before deciding if he'll accept them, and it's probably the most logical and best move for them if they decide to do so. He's helping people grow as individuals and also letting them not only meet but regularly interact with someone that they've probably been a fan of for quite some time, which is something definitely unique that you don't see celebrities really doing.
When I initially stumbled upon Bachir's LogicNation endeavor, he had a 3-step process to attempt to "convert your core value to logic". I knew him from his OG YouTube days with "fshh around the corner", and I'd always genuinely been entertained by his material. Coming across him going from a really funny but also tryhard troll-type to a quite serious and more intellectual type was an interesting shift. His 3 steps felt severely lacking to me, and I figured I'd try to let him know and see how he'd deal with it.
In order to more potently capture his attention, I had to appear to be interested in joining his endeavors at his compound. He actually showed enough respect and interest in me to the point that he added me on Skype at one point and asked me to join his group. Moving to Germany isn't really an option I consider viable, mostly because I'm not a resident of the EU and I wouldn't be able to stay for very long on a visitor visa. Someone of my capacity also is far best suited to endeavors less revolved around his personal goals. Still, I think it was cool that I've spoken to him in a serious capacity like this, and I appreciate the respect for me he demonstrated in doing this.
Ultimately, I later decided to have a "debate" with him on stream. I didn't know exactly what I was getting myself into.
Before appearing on stream, I was probed by one of his subordinates regarding my perspective a bit. Unfortunately, the conversation on stream didn't last very long, because Bachir didn't let me speak more than a few words. It would've been interesting if he actually listened to what I had to say for more than like 3 seconds before shooting me down as a moron, but this really demonstrated, at least in my eyes, the severe extent to which his "debates" were really just manipulated, staged excuses to publicly humiliate and bully people in order to make himself look smarter.
Shortly after, he posted a YouTube video featuring me as one of the people he was clowning. Not very nice. However, that video has long since been removed. It was removed long before I even released the initial version of my book. I guess he realized it was a kinda shitty thing to do on his own, felt bad, and removed it. Or he got scared because I'd informed him I was a Permanent Chief of the Shadow Confederation. Or both. I don't know.
In hindsight, given the kind of content he used to make and his hyper-cocky attitude (which in YouTube videos was amusing), I should've known his approach was much more entertainment-oriented as opposed to understanding-oriented. But alas, I made the mistake of looking at him with more maturity than he deserved. That was my fault; I'm definitely mature enough to see and accept that. I can also understand that he'd be upset that I wasn't seriously interested in going over to his compound, since I'm sure he could tell I'm an exceptional individual.
In the end, my extended public rhetoric in regards to his 3-step process resulted in him forming rhetoric around additional insights that added a 4th step, which ultimately greatly helped him in getting people who "clicked", as he calls it, to retain that state of awareness, where in the past with only his original 3 steps, he had a very hit-or-miss result and wavering success rate. To this capacity, I helped him notably.
It'd be immature and admittedly dishonest of me to neglect to mention that his original 3-step process he crudely described to "click" was the initial inspiration for what is now my 5-step process to achieve a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension. To this capacity, he helped me notably.
The stunt he pulled on me on stream certainly wasn't nice or enjoyable for me. But overall, I had fun and learned and grew as a person a lot as a result of interacting with him. And I still think his OG content is entertaining.
In reality, I don't have any problem with him or what he's doing. I had a problem with how he was carrying out "debates" in the past, but he's long since stopped that fuckery. To be completely honest, I was a little hurt by it at first, but I've long since gotten over that. I also never had any kind of actually deep hatred towards him for it at any point. Even while I was actively engaging in rhetoric within his community, I got the sense that he understood I was going to become something more than simply someone who "clicked". Even if it took him a little while.
At one point long ago, I made a little arts and crafts project that was a remix of this guy's rap called "Nocturnal Rainbows". I was never seriously trying to make it in the rap game, as I've always known that as much as I enjoy listening to music, making it was never something I was really passionate about. I did it for shits and giggles and to see how he'd react if I showed it to him. To my surprise, not very long after, I saw I'd inspired the creation of 2 of his tracks, "The Purge" and "Witch Doctor". They're good songs.
It appears Marcus was effected by the initial version of my book a lot more than I thought he would be. For a while after the release of those 2 tracks that I saw as a response to him becoming aware of my existence, I was worried he wanted me dead. Though now, it seems he's much more afraid that I want him dead than I've ever felt afraid that he wanted me dead. It makes me feel bad, to be honest.
I guess I just didn't really understand his style all that well before. I suppose he gets looked down upon in the rap game a lot even though he's put so much of himself into it, and that's understandably going to hurt him a lot. I've listened to "Alone With Me", and I really like how his style's improved. Really good song; probably his best yet. Good shit. I hope he doesn't end up killing himself, though.
I know he said he went through a process of "reading certain books" and did a lot of thinking and reflection and shit and no longer is in a dark place, but while I'm sure the material he's reviewed (which I certainly don't believe to be exclusive to my book) has helped him achieve some level of greater awareness, I know he's probably still pretty far from genuinely okay.
To anyone with half a brain, I'm obviously no stranger to "enlightenment". I know that it doesn't matter how much introspection and shit you do, when there are exceptionally fucked up circumstances you're dealing with, simply having the maturity and awareness to be able to take a step back and not drown in depression or rage isn't enough to truly make you feel better. He's gotten the clarity to internalize humanity, maturity, and integrity at a considerably greater capacity than he previously did, but I've been there too, and I know that's only the beginning of what could ever be considered "getting better" from a place as dark as he clearly has been before in his life.
I don't actually have a problem with him. I hope the mother of his child stops being so awful to him, because my guess is she's going to end up seriously regretting it sooner or later if she doesn't. Although, if he's going to demand that I put in some kinder words for him to the Shadow Confederation, he damn well better know he should put some respect on NF's name and do it in an NF track he's featured in.
"LOST" is a dope track, and yeah, I like Marcus' part too. Especially...
Life's got me by the neck, with a blade against it 'Cause I was runnin' late for the train and missed it The only thing I feel is pain and vengeance So I'ma act out like a raging misfit And every verse I lay gon' stay sadistic You wanna hate me? Good, great, terrific You'll never see the day where my anger's dismissed You better go and change your wishlist 'cause I Yeah, manifested this Do not treat me like some adolescent kid I am praying to the Lord with the book of James Hopin' he gon' add my testament
Becca, you're sweet and precious and a beautiful woman and whoever gets to be with you is very lucky. But I don't want you. Being completely honest, when I first scoped out the live streaming scene years ago, you and Kimi were the only two possible serious candidates I saw for a woman to commit to spending my life with, meaning it'd be a lie to say I never wanted you. It'd be pretty weird, I think, to deny that I considered pursuing you, long ago. Besides, I'm not trying to be mean here, I'm just trying to make the situation completely clear, because I feel like it's probably not clear enough otherwise.
When I first acquired a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension and became a Permanent Chief of the Shadow Confederation, years ago, I instinctively determined that looking on Twitch would be the only reasonable place for me to attempt to find a life partner. I already knew I was only really interested in Korean women, and considering that I already knew I was destined for ridiculous fame and fortune, and I have quite classy and specific tastes, I was completely unwilling to even consider someone that hadn't earned any significant attention among the community and/or was more or less a pretty blatantly trashy slut. Among all the options I saw, that eliminated everyone except you and Kimi.
Neither of you came off trashy to me at all. Both of you were gorgeous Korean women with at least some significant level of reputation. I remember that at the time, you were considerably more famous than Kimi. You'd average over 1,000 concurrent viewers, whereas Kimi would average about two or three hundred. But it wasn't the degree of fame I was paying attention to, merely the fact that whoever I was looking at got enough attention to have a reputation they would consider worth maintaining a standard towards.
I remember I talked in your stream a couple times. You probably remember me. I also remember being a part of a movie night thing you had once. The movie itself was just alright, but I thought it was pretty cool that you had that level of interaction with your viewers despite being a larger streamer.
What I remember that really stood out to me and surprised me about you was that shortly after... Making my existence known to you, I guess? You made a tweet about romantic relationships mentioning something about how you related your connection to League of Legends with them. Forgot exactly what you said. But anyways, I got this weird feeling that you really enjoyed my presence and quite shockingly to me, it actually got you thinking about being in a romantic relationship with me. I'm just going to assume this is what you intended, and I personally believe it makes quite some sense to do so.
I remember how you responded to me trolling you pretty hard once. You got pretty mad at me at first, but really quickly cooled down and pretty much retracted your statement you made lashing out at me. I had clipped it, but my Twitch account has long been permanently banned and deleted over the public release of the initial revision of my book, so that clip is gone. I forgot exactly the situation, but I remember I halfheartedly teased you about how tilted you were getting about something, and then you initially lashed out at me for tilting you harder, but pretty quickly after said you were just tilting yourself. Something like that.
I remember thinking it was pretty cute. You're definitely pretty cute. If I remember correctly, after seeing you so quickly calm yourself down, I told you I love you and gave you a heart. I'm not sure how you took it, but I was just trying to be nice and have fun; I was genuinely worried you'd think I was trying to be mean, and hey, I figured if you gave me an opportunity to kinda flirt with you a little, I might as well take it.
Considering how close you are with Hafu, I assume she's been telling you things about me... About this situation... How I prefer Korean women and all that...
I'm going to be completely honest. I kind of... Forgot about you for a long time. I just very recently checked your Twitter, and I saw this:
And I'm now realizing some of my recent messages probably... Made you feel some kind of way. And I definitely feel the need to make sure I've clarified my feelings and intentions.
I'm just going to say it as it is bluntly. I don't want you. I wanted you for a little while, many years ago, but I haven't wanted you for a very long time, ever since I first met Kimi and pretty much instantly fell deeply in love with her, and I will never want you in the future.
I'm sincerely sorry if I unintentionally got your hopes up. It was never my intention to hurt your feelings. I understand hearing this will probably hurt your feelings regardless. But it doesn't change reality. I don't want to lie to you.
Yes, you're Korean. Yes, you're very pretty. Yes, you're very cute. Yes, you're not really a close friend of Kimi's, so I can't really consider you an enemy. Yes, you haven't really done anything to hurt me in the past. Yes, you showed me considerable affection even long ago before you could very clearly see I have insane value to keep close in your life. I acknowledge these things, and I don't have any hard feelings towards you regarding anything. I think you're a very sweet and sensitive (and I mean that in the best possible way) woman.
However, I don't have any romantic feelings towards you. I've always thought you're cute, but to be completely honest, I never found your personality very sexy. I feel really bad for you for your experience with how things with Byron turned out, and I hope you can find some comfort in knowing that for whatever it's worth, I truly don't think it was your fault for what happened.
I think you're a really nice person who tries really hard at video games. I think you seem like you'd be a good friend. But I feel like we'd have a really weird chemistry romantically/sexually, and I don't really like it.
Kimi is the only person I've ever really felt a "spark" of attraction towards in my entire life, and also the only person who I've genuinely felt a hot chemistry and emotional compatibility with from the very beginning. Also, not to be mean, but I've always thought Kimi is much more physically attractive than you are, in every way. Just being honest. That's just my personal perspective.
I feel like I should be pretty sensitive about the fact that I probably unintentionally got your hopes up that I secretly want you badly, so I don't want to say this in a really mean-sounding way... If Hafu's been sharing with you the contents of the e-mails I've been sending, then of course you've been hearing about the things I've been saying about my masturbating to certain women, and at this point, I feel like I kind of owe you telling you how I feel about you in that regard... Although I'd really rather not share that kind of thing in general unless it's with a romantic partner, I've kind of been forced to do so to multiple other women already with this situation...
I really don't want to seem cruel in saying this. Please don't take it the wrong way. I haven't been trying to break your heart, and I don't enjoy thinking about how this probably will make you feel hurt. But the reality is I've only masturbated to you a couple times in my life. Much less than even Celine. And as you should know by now, I certainly am completely unwilling to ever even remotely consider being with Celine under any circumstances, but also have such a huge sex drive that I'd definitely have to be with someone that turns me on even much more than she ever did. Which definitely means you could never be a viable partner for me, purely on those grounds alone.
Sorry to have to reject you like this. I would've rejected you much earlier, but I was so busy rushing to reject all the other women trying to throw themselves at me that were all Kimi's close friends, and dealing with the constant shitstorm of fuckery they were throwing at me practically daily, that I didn't even think about rejecting you, who isn't a close friend of her's, didn't really come to mind to me, and didn't really do anything to clearly attempt to throw yourself at me.
I understand you refrained from such initially because you were unaware of the true state of the situation, and then afterwards because you didn't want to come off insincere, probably hearing about how I'd brutally rejected all the other women that boldly attempted to throw themselves at me. I believe that if you feel desire towards me (and I feel like you probably realistically considerably do), that desire is sincere. But the fact is that you simply could never even remotely satisfy me sexually or make me truly feel the kind of passion in a romantic relationship that I need to feel to truly feel satisfied in the relationship.
Basically, a relationship with you I would describe as "pretty awesome at best". But a relationship with Kimi I would describe as "absolutely magical and heavenly at the very least". Putting it that way, I think you can understand why I wouldn't even consider abandoning even just the prospect of a relationship with Kimi even for an absolute guarantee of a relationship with you.
The reality is that even if I fail to get a proper relationship with Kimi, I'd infinitely rather pursue intense quantum energy harvesting meditation in isolation and exact The Great Retribution, than even consider ever being with you. This is in no way your fault, there's nothing you can or should do about it, and I don't want you to attempt to change it or feel bad knowing it.
Again, I'm sincerely sorry if it hurts you to hear this, and I know it probably does. Probably quite a bit. But I have to keep it real with you, and I'm doing that with the best intentions. You deserve someone that will see you the way I see Kimi, not me who will always see you as romantically and sexually greatly inferior to Kimi.
Please don't try to change my mind. This is not reverse psychology. This is not playing hard to get. The reality of the matter is that even though you're really hot and you're Korean, I still find even Chloe INSANELY more arousing than you, and it's literally ALWAYS been that way. And I find Kimi even hotter than Chloe, so it should go without saying that I find her ridiculously more arousing than you. No amount of you working out or eating healthy or doing anything else to try to get a better body would ever change how I feel about these things.
Kimi is the only person that ever even made me seriously think there was hope I could ever deal with my feelings for Chloe in any kind of healthy way. Kimi is literally the only person in the world I have ever and will ever find more arousing than Chloe. I absolutely NEED Kimi in my life in an EXTREMELY intimate way forever, or I'm going to lose my mind and become extremely destructive, heartless, and evil, because of what both Kimi and Chloe did to me. I just can't even consider being with any other woman, because I already know I'm definitely going to break her heart, and EXTREMELY brutally at that. I don't want to do that to anyone, and certainly not someone so sweet and precious as you.
If we dated, you'd just know I'm thinking of Kimi and Chloe every time we're sexually intimate (and very often even when we're not), and that's just going to be super fucked. It'd never work. It's the same problem I'd have with every single other person that isn't Kimi. It's just the way things are and will forever be. That's why I'm so fixed on the position I'm fixed on. I truly know with absolutely unwavering certainty that this situation will absolutely invariably end EXTREMELY badly if I don't get to be with Kimi forever in the end.
Like, I'd say you're a solid 9/10 in my eyes. Gorgeous woman for sure, and really cute personality too. I'm not trying to make you feel bad or put you down in any way. I'm genuinely not getting any kind of pleasure from any bad feelings you might get reading this. But considering that Chloe is a 99/10 and Kimi is an infinity/10 (this is of course my personal perspective, which I'd hope nobody else in the world ever shares with me), I'd INFINITELY rather even simply masturbate to these two women by myself than even have the most tender, sensual, passionate sex involving latex clothing with even a harem of any number of any other women in the world. If I absolutely had to lock rating between 1-10, Kimi and Chloe are the only 10/10's that'll ever exist in my eyes, and with how much they've both went insanely out of their way to tease me to infinity romantically and sexually with their incomparable sex appeal, any kind of romantic and/or sexual connection with anyone else that could ever exist will forever hold literally zero appeal to me.
Hyoon, I've said it once before, but it seems you didn't get the message. I will address you only once further. I will elaborate greatly, as well as show the clearest possible commitment to my decision by also posting this in public, so hopefully you can start to actually see and accept the reality of the situation.
Upon skimming the Twitters (posts and replies) of everyone I've been communicating with behind-the-scenes in my attempts to make my relationship with Kimi work, I noticed you made this reply to a tweet made by Kimi.
I couldn't help but notice the only response to it as of the time I'm writing this, which was made by Kimi. She's referring to you as her "existential buddy". Now, there's only one reason that you would be going through an existential crisis when Kimi should be the only one doing so right now. You clearly didn't understand the first time I rejected you after you showed desire to throw yourself at me in this tweet.
Hyoon, stop. I do not, have never, and will never want you. Yes, I know you're Korean. You're a very beautiful woman and I don't have any hard feelings towards you, at least not yet. But you're not Kimi, and as hot as you are, I've never thought and will never think you're as hot as Kimi (and certainly not hotter).
You might not have done anything to hurt me in the past, but I don't know you (I've known OF you for years, but it's not the same thing...) and honestly don't trust you. Don't take this the wrong way; it isn't personal. I'll just NEVER trust ANYONE that tries to throw themselves at me now. Look at my first real conversation with Kimi.
I told Kimi from the very beginning that whoever believes in me enough and cares about me enough to show me affection from the beginning will earn my trust and respect, and anyone that can't see it until later on, I will never be able to be with. Back then, I wasn't certain how it'd feel. I'm here now and I know EXACTLY how it feels now.
Kimi believed in me enough and cared about me enough to want to fuck with me. She earned my trust and respect and deeply touched my heart unlike anyone else ever can. You and all the rest of Kimi's friends, we'll only ever be friends (without benefits) at best. This is not reverse psychology. This is not playing hard to get. No, you can't try to convince me. Yes, I'm absolutely certain. Sorry not sorry.
Since it makes a lot of sense to me why you'd think I really should be willing and desiring to pursue a romantic relationship with you, in the interest of making it painfully clear that I'm not into men and/or simply already committed to being the most heartless monster I could ever be, I find it necessary to elaborate further on why I'm maintaining the position that I am.
Since you've shown such considerably aggressive desire for my attention to the point I felt it necessary and appropriate to add you to the list of people I've been communicating with about this situation privately, I suppose you must want to hear about certain things from me as well. In that case, I feel no need to restrain myself.
So, looks-wise, you're definitely exceptional, and quite appealing to my personal tastes. Gorgeous face, really nice breasts, and a wonderful butt. Really nice hips and thighs too. Solid 9.5/10 to me. More attractive than Becca, and right around Celine's level of attractiveness, perhaps even more attractive. You're honestly more attractive than most K-Pop stars I've seen, at least in my opinion.
If it wouldn't be such an insult to Kimi, I would've had no problem calling you a goddess. There are very few women in this world that I can think of that exceed your level of beauty, at least as far as I'm concerned. Probably only Kimi and Chloe.
I've masturbated to you a few times in my life. But like Celine, Becca, and all the other girls in this scene I've masturbated to besides Kimi, it was long ago. I haven't kept count, but it's more than once or twice, and it's less than 10 times. You obviously want to know, so there you go, now you know.
Personality-wise... I haven't really ever watched your streams or followed your socials, so I don't really know you at all. But from what I've seen upon scrolling through your Twitter a bit, it seems you had a quite significant period of nervousness and existential fears and thoughts leading up until my recent return. From some of the comments I see, particularly on ones where you post pictures of yourself, I've noticed this "Hyoon supremacy" meme that is commonly recurring; I'll refrain from casting absolute judgement on you for the extremely arrogant, egotistical, entitled, and possibly sadistic attitude this suggests you have, that I would find absolutely horrendous and extremely disgustingly unattractive, that might make people feel you'd enjoy repeatedly getting such responses.
I want you to know that just like in how I addressed Becca, I truly do not find any pleasure in hurting your feelings or breaking your heart to any degree. I'm not trying to make you feel bad or put you down. But I have to keep it real with you. You shouldn't feel bad about anything I'm saying about my feelings towards you, nor can you change it, nor should you try.
While I have no problem whatsoever with you being exceptional, whether it's in looks, personality, or otherwise, I personally find you superior to Kimi in neither looks nor personality. Perhaps your art ability is superior, since Kimi hasn't dedicated immense effort into being an artist, however this does not hold any appeal to me whatsoever in terms of being in a romantic relationship with someone.
I took the liberty of scanning through your Instagram, and I noticed that you were dying your hair pink long before Kimi or any of her friends ever knew I really like that color. You also dyed it purple long before even the initial public release of my book.
Now, I'm just going to say this bluntly, however I want to reiterate that you should not get the wrong idea. Since I could never have a healthy relationship with Chloe unless there's another extremely attractive woman involved, and my tastes very much lean towards Korean women, if I were to ever be in a relationship with a woman that isn't Kimi, it'd definitely have to be you.
I didn't even recognize it myself at first, but I certainly see it now that you've forced me to be more aware of your existence. Recognizing your suitability for me if I don't really want Kimi must be why you appear to be having an existential crisis along with Kimi in response to the current state of this situation.
However, regardless of your perception, feelings, or intentions, I have absolutely zero desire or willingness to ever pursue or tolerate any kind of romantic relationship with you, and this will never change. Since it's rather easy for you to take that statement by itself as some kind of reverse psychology or playing hard-to-get, allow me to extensively elaborate on this rejection, since it's now become quite necessary as far as I'm concerned.
Obviously, since you haven't already contacted me privately throwing yourself at me transparently, your intentions are almost certainly never to do so any time in the near future. Considering it's extremely unlikely that me simply expressing desire for you in an e-mail (or even in public) would result in you promptly responding reciprocating that desire in a serious fashion and actively pursuing a proper romantic relationship with me as fast as possible, that means you're expecting to get to wait for something else to happen before you feel ready or comfortable essentially throwing yourself at me, while you perhaps underhandedly attempt to drop hints to me on social media expressing feelings towards me.
You must've heard from Kimi's friends I've been sending messages to from the very beginning of my recent return, that I've done game development in the past and I'm very good at it and have a massive game idea that I've very considerably already developed and yet not released anywhere.
You must be thinking that upon seeing me cease to find usefulness in further communication with the group of people that I've been communicating with behind-the-scenes which you've now become a part of, I'll secretly be doing game development in silence while perhaps expressing affection towards you in private, come out with an epic game release in the future, pop off and become famous with that, and then you'll aggressively throw yourself at me, knowing you're the most desirable and compatible woman to me after Kimi, and then I'll resist at first because of feelings for Kimi but she'll push me to be with you and I'll ultimately reluctantly accept.
Wrong. W R O N G. You couldn't be more wrong and it's not even funny. While I can understand the thought process behind it, and perhaps many people in this world are like that, I myself am very much not.
Listen up, and listen fucking good. Look, I'm not using very harsh language with you, because you haven't blatantly disrespected me severely in the past, but that doesn't mean I'm a fucking pushover. ESPECIALLY after what I've experienced with Kimi, even ATTEMPTING to suggest I should even CONSIDER tolerating behaving in a way that even POSSIBLY could result in a repeat of that experience IN ANY WAY is an EXTREME insult to me. So while you haven't severely disrespected me in the past, the expectations you appear to have of me in the present really do seem like quite massive disrespect to me already.
To be blunt with you, you're lucky you're so fucking gorgeous appearance-wise, and I'm a kind-hearted enough person to considerably sympathize with the fact that you seem to be so distressed about this situation despite not really being any kind of significant presence in my life in the past nor particularly close friends with Kimi, that I'm not being MUCH more brutal with you. However, if you're so ridiculously foolish as to take my kindness for weakness, that is a SEVERE mistake I will definitely make sure you deeply regret.
First of all, I'm not doing game development if I'm forced to be silent and distant towards Kimi and her friends. For multiple reasons, I will not state publicly what I'm working on (if I even choose to work on anything at all and not just meditate and masturbate profusely to Kimi and Chloe when I'm not meditating), but I'll make sure you and everyone else I've been communicating with behind-the-scenes will understand in no uncertain terms that game development isn't what I'm doing, nor will I ever do it again to any extent unless I get Kimi.
At this point, game development feels EXTREMELY painfully unrewarding for me to even CONSIDER doing to any extent. Thinking of my future prospects while doing game development right now just feels RIDICULOUSLY depressing and upsetting. I have ABSOLUTELY ZERO desire to even CONSIDER tolerating feeling like a hated outcast right up until I have something providing INSANE appeal to like me like an epic game release, then effectively force the shit out of you and everyone else to like me by releasing such a game they want to play, and then feel forced to be friends with Kimi while being forced to accept never being able to be with her, and have several other attractive women throw themselves at me, likely including yourself.
Eventually, my continued rejection of every woman except Kimi is going to make them feel frustrated that I only want Kimi and don't want them at all, and people will start thinking I might be into men, and then even worse than having multiple beautiful women I don't want throwing themselves at me, I'm going to also have men, which I'd NEVER even REMOTELY feel ANY kind of romantic or sexual attraction towards under ANY circumstances, throwing themselves at me.
This is in no way intended as hate against gay men; everyone is free to be attracted to whichever gender they like, but I personally am very much exclusively attracted to women. As such, under those circumstances, not only will I have the severe devastation and depression and anger of being denied of Kimi, but I'll have women AND men that I'll never want under any circumstances constantly throwing themselves at me and all resenting me for rejecting all of them in an extremely brutally ice cold fashion relentlessly.
People will end up thinking that I just enjoy being alone so much that I only ever showed affection to anyone just to fuck with them and/or get it out of my system, and that I either desire to simply have sex with prostitutes that I never form any kind of real emotional connection with, or prefer to masturbate profusely to Kimi and Chloe (or perhaps random women) over any kind of sexual intimacy, even if the women I want it with are willing to give it to me.
I'll be absolutely miserable and probably resent myself so much for ever even seriously considering tolerating being a part of society without violently relentlessly demanding Kimi and Chloe forever, that I'll end up committing suicide, probably overdosing on some crazy combination of drugs I'd be taking while masturbating profusely to Kimi and Chloe, lonely by myself, to try to drown out the pain of knowing I'll forever be denied of anything resembling a healthy relationship with them, and that I took actions that effectively communicated I wanted that so it's all my fault it'll never happen, and even if the possibility of getting my ultimate fantasy was truly there, I'll never know.
Yeah, that's NOT fucking happening. I did NOT fucking try SO hard in life to end up with such a disgustingly pathetic fate.
If I wanted to simply pop off and become stupid famous and end up being able to get the hottest, most popular Korean girl in this scene of my liking through essentially forcing her to be with me, I NEVER would've taken the approach with Kimi that I did. I would've just completely abandoned trying to build any kind of real emotional connection with anyone, worked insanely hard in silence for years, and came out of nowhere with a huge bang and popped off super hard with the initial release of my game and live streaming gameplay videos of it and other shit 24/7 to maximize exposure and social interaction once I was ready to embrace fame.
If I wanted you, or someone like you, and wanted to start that relationship more or less in the way that you quite clearly intend to attempt to start a relationship with me, we never would've been where we are right now, and you never would've felt any kind of existential crisis in regards to my existence. You would've just suddenly learned I exist, gotten really horny knowing you're totally my type and I probably want to fuck your brains out, thrown yourself at me, and probably gotten to start dating me very quickly with pretty much no resistance on my end.
Look, I truly don't get any kind of sadistic satisfaction hurting your feelings, breaking your heart, or denying you of something you at this point quite obviously appear to want quite badly. However, if you think that's EVER happening, you're EXTREMELY delusional. We will NEVER be together. I didn't say the kinds of things I said to Becca just to fucking say them, and the intensity of my preferences truly and wholly applies to you and every other woman in the world, Korean or not Korean, in or out of the scene.
Even if you're willing to reach out to me in the near future and not wait until you see some popping off in the scene from me that you're never going to see as things currently are, no thanks. I don't want you. I don't really know you, I don't really care to know you, I don't trust you, I don't really care to try trusting you, and I don't feel any particularly strong desire to have any kind of sexual intimacy with you, nor will I ever, nor do I want to ever. I'd INFINITELY rather masturbate to Kimi and Chloe for hours every day in isolation whenever I'm not doing intense quantum energy harvesting meditation in preparation for The Great Retribution, than EVER even CONSIDER being with you (or anyone else in the world that isn't Kimi or Chloe) under ANY circumstances.
This is simply the reality of the matter. Kimi and Chloe are truly incomparably arousing to me, and that will forever remain the case. I truly feel in the deepest parts of my mind, heart, and soul that if I do not get to spend my life with both of them at the same time forever and get hours of extremely tender, sensual, passionate sexual intimacy with both of them every day extremely consistently (not necessarily at the same time; at least at one point or another in the day individually, and at least sometimes at the same time), I will never be anything even remotely resembling happy.
Listen, this situation is EXTREMELY clear-cut and black and white as far as I'm concerned. I get what I want, or I will as brutally as possible terrorize every single person that knows about this situation now and comes to learn about it in the future, as I retreat from society to do quantum energy harvesting meditation in isolation in preparation of exacting The Great Retribution. I'm COMPLETELY unwilling to even tolerate the IDEA of accepting ANY kind of consolation prize(s). This position is absolutely FINAL and was not, is not, and will NEVER be up for debate or negotiation of any kind. Period.
I'm DEFINITELY not down to start individually rejecting every single fucking woman that can't get the clue and thinks she has a shot at me, nor should such an endeavor be necessary to clearly convey my feelings. Rejecting you like this is intended to be an EXTREMELY loud and crystal clear message that I'm also rejecting every other person in the world besides Kimi and Chloe, Korean or otherwise, that may attempt or want to attempt to ever throw themselves at me in any way, shape, or form, for any reason.
And if the world is going to try forcing me to start rejecting men, then at that point, that's such a massive insult that I might as well truly accept I was destined to never be anything even remotely resembling truly happy, that war is absolutely final, and that I will have to make it my life's purpose to do everything in my power to make sure you will all extremely deeply regret ever being born at the time of The Great Retribution.
If Kimi is truly willing to acknowledge, accept, and desires to act properly upon the understanding that she's currently in the most severe existential crisis she could ever possibly face in her entire life, and she's truly been communicating with you about that in an honest and transparent capacity, then I'd STRONGLY encourage you to guide her on the correct path of starting to sincerely pursue a proper, healthy, transparently affectionate romantic relationship and eventually marriage with me, because otherwise, this situation will truly not result in anything good for anyone, and I swear on my life that this is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
I'm not a fucking delusional idiot, so I recognize that unfortunately, it's quite unlikely you'll actually take my advice. As such, since it seems you're trying to head in a similar path to what Celine was doing, just in a way that's even more disgusting in your own way, I'll give you a taste of the kinds of things Celine had to hear when I was rejecting her.
If you ACTUALLY liked me, you would've already been trying to talk to me directly, boldly expressing intense affection and arousal towards me in no uncertain terms. You have no reason to be shy or restrain yourself. I've already shared my masturbation habits with you extensively. You've already seen my dick long ago. You already know I've masturbated to you more than once or twice before in my life and enjoyed it more than I've enjoyed masturbating to most women I've masturbated to before. You already know I'm single and not interested at all in pursuing random women in real life.
The same reasons you have for having ANY hope I'd EVER form affection for you to the extent of even considering a relationship with you, you could very easily apply to justify sending me very hot and bothered e-mails telling me about how you masturbate to me and fantasize about having sex with me and shit. If you were REALLY as obsessed with me as you pretend to be, I undoubtedly would've already been getting such e-mails. You would've been EXTREMELY eager to privately send me pictures of your butt in tight, black, shiny latex leggings, knowing that's my biggest turn-on, and tenderly encouraging me to masturbate profusely to them. You would've recorded JOIs for me in them, practically begging me to send you videos of me masturbating to them, telling me you're wet just thinking about it.
And you wouldn't wait for or expect me to even slightly waver in my convictions towards Kimi before you did such things, because the intensity of the passion for your love and affection towards me would make it painfully obvious to you that you must do these things despite me showing zero real interest in you, if you could ever even remotely dream of having a chance to even just convince me your feelings are for real, much less ever actually successfully capture my attention away from Kimi. And the seeming futility of the endeavor wouldn't bother you, because you'd want me so badly you wouldn't care how hopeless it seems.
Instead? Dead fucking silence from you, and just a fucking facade in public that disgustingly pathetically transparently is attempting to gaslight me into thinking you actually like me and guilt-trip me for not reciprocating those feelings.
You think you're showing me something? All you're showing me is that you're an extremely fake ass slimy snake slithering fucking mentally handicapped bitch. I'd strongly suggest you cut the crap, because you're only digging yourself and your friends you're supposedly trying to protect a deeper grave. Please and thank you.
Sure, you haven't seen my dick before. And I don't plan to show you. The reason I ended up showing Celine is rather complicated, and it was only to attempt to prove to Kimi that I don't care to even gross and creep out Celine massively because I'm not interested in other girls even if they show interest in me. I do not find it necessary or appropriate to ever show my dick to you, and certainly not in an attempt to achieve the same goal; at this point, it would achieve the opposite goal if anything. Sure, you didn't know if or how much I've masturbated to you before now, but now you do, and it's about the same amount I've masturbated to Celine.
If you didn't even know any of the kinds of things I'm into already (I've went into more detail in the "Attraction" chapter of the full version of the book, in the "Interests" subchapter), then that means you haven't even read the "mini" version of my book in its entirety. Which means clearly your "obsession" or even simply "liking" towards me is an absolute joke as far as I'm concerned. In which case, kindly go fuck yourself.
Otherwise, you do know, and you're trying to underhandedly communicate that you expect me to bust my ass working insanely hard to prove myself to you now before you feel I deserve any truly intimate attention and affection from you, showing complete lack of respect towards my insanely immense efforts to pursue Kimi. You may be extremely physically attractive, but if you have such a fucking princess personality that you think that alone makes you such a queen that you deserve me to fall head over heels for you just because I see you expressing some interest in me, once again, kindly go fuck yourself.
I saw your Instagram story where you're playing MapleStory and trying to express warm sentiments. You're really new to this situation, huh? You must have NO IDEA the kinds of things Kimi's said and done to me over the years to earn my trust, respect, and loyalty to the level that she has. I fucking LAUGH at such a pathetic attempt to display warmth and affection towards me, assuming it's even directed at me and not some other random person you're lowkey (or perhaps even not lowkey? idfk I don't care to follow your streams or life) fucking with.
I haven't gotten this far with Kimi over being hurt about her saying a few mean things to me. I've been EXTREMELY deeply emotionally involved with this woman, a deep part of her day-to-day life, and a heavy influence on SEVERAL people around her, for almost 5 years now. I've taught them many things and shown them countless displays of love I'm sure they never imagined they'd see in their lifetimes.
And I've gotten ultimately nothing but pain and suffering in return, while constantly having to reiterate that I'm not any kind of masochist, never was, and never will be no matter what, and that I truly am simply that aroused by and attracted to Kimi and the prospect of spending my life with her in an extremely loving, tender, warm, passionate romantic relationship and marriage. The emotional scar of Kimi committing to rejecting me is not just a scar, it's a fucking BLACK HOLE that NOTHING and NOBODY can even DREAM of even STARTING to repair to ANY extent.
I don't even need to TRY to have ANY kind of romantic relationship with you, much less have sex with you or be intimate with you in any way, to know that even your absolute best attempts to arouse me and satisfy me sexually and otherwise will NEVER even come CLOSE to satisfying the desire I have for even just Kimi or Chloe alone, never mind in combination. That's not something I say as an insult to you, but rather as the greatest compliment to Kimi and Chloe, and the completely sincere expression of my feelings, as it is the absolute unwavering complete truth.
If your endeavors are some extremely pathetically laughable bullshit attempt to try to be nice to me, you can drop the act now, because even if it's not an act, to be blunt, I don't give a flying fuck for such shallow, petty, completely useless attempts at demonstrating warmth.
Does that make me seem like an icy bitch to you? Hmm. Maybe ask Kimi how much of an icy bitch she's been to me the past 5 years if she intends to commit to ultimately rejecting me, and then maybe you'll start to understand.
Although she probably won't even tell you the half of it, and whatever she does tell you, she'll probably severely warp to demonize the shit out of me and make her seem like the poor little angel victim of a crazy and creepy stalker lunatic, instead of the extremely disgustingly unapologetic psychopath manipulator heartless monster with a completely boundless capacity for demonstrating completely unrestrained malicious intent towards someone in the most jarringly predatory fashion you could ever imagine with complete disregard for not just their feelings but their life as a whole that she so painfully clearly is in that case.
Such is the life of the ruler of the world, I guess. It should be no surprise to anyone why The Great Retribution holds increasingly great appeal to me with every passing day.
I'm actually being quite nice to you. You only got a small taste of how brutally I tore apart Celine when I rejected her when she was trying to act obsessed with me. My heart will forever be closed off to anyone but Kimi, and you'd best believe it too. You don't come off nearly as trashy as Celine, so I'm sparing you tearing you to shreds in a similar fashion.
But it doesn't mean I'm unwilling if you push me. So don't push me. I'm asking nicely.
Yes, I'm very aware of multiple things that suggest you've been lowkey stalking me for years, which likely caused a lot of insecurity within Kimi and increased the friction I had to endure to even have a chance at a relationship with her (she obviously would've seen you as her primary competitor for my love and affection), which does upset me. While I could be extremely upset at you for this kind of behavior, I'll refrain from going in on you like I have with some other women. At least you were sensitive to consider my taste in women and also take an approach that definitely could've resulted in a really lovely relationship had I decided I don't want to spend my life with Kimi. Although I'll certainly find it EXTREMELY creepy and gross if you continue despite knowing my true feelings, I can certainly appreciate the thought behind your actions, so realistically, I don't find it all that gross or creepy that you've done what you've done up until this point.
You really don't know the half of it. Can you even begin to comprehend how demonic it is for Kimi to not only deny me of a relationship with her but also continue to vigorously insist she's madly in love with me?
She's trying to paint me like the demon stalker that shattered her heart to pieces and devastated her emotionally, while underhandedly communicating to me in the most disgusting way that she never even considered me and always had Peter in her sights before she even met me, and was completely unapologetically messing with my mind, heart, and soul as deeply as possible, with completely unrestrained malicious intent, for the past nearly 5 years.
And if the truth is that she'd truly rather have The Great Retribution exacted upon her than ever even give being with me a real chance, then she certainly knows why. Because coming clean about the truth means she has to admit what kind of a fucking monster psychopath she really is in that case, which absolutely certainly means she must be brutally permanently cancelled and shunned by all of her friends for me to even feel REMOTELY comfortable remaining a part of society and trying to be a positive force in this world instead of pursue exacting The Great Retribution upon them all.
Meanwhile, I love her so much that I'm completely unwilling to give them any incentive to turn on her, because I will forever maintain my position that I will pursue exacting The Great Retribution regardless if I don't get to be with her forever. Even if she admits to being a monster in public on her own and cancels herself, it wouldn't change my position no matter what.
Kimi and Peter are absolutely fucking insanely retarded if they are still obsessing over trying to make a relationship with each other work. They CLEARLY have a toxic dynamic and have cheated on each other so much in ways so severely disturbing to the foundation of the relationship that they could NEVER last and they're both EXTREMELY naive, stubborn, and destructive if they delusionally continue to hold on to such a hallucination.
From this tweet, it seems that Peter actually really likes you. I've never seen him post something like that to anyone. It seems like a meme, but actually seriously suggests deeper feelings. Your response perhaps suggests you also like him back. His lack of further response is presumably because of how trapped he feels in his connection with Kimi.
That being said, even if he doesn't really feel that way about you, and he's just trying to set me up with you somehow in doing this, it still doesn't and couldn't ever change my position on this situation. You can be witness to what I have to say to him in this regard.
Peter, you need to wake the fuck up. It doesn't matter how much time and energy you and Kimi might have put into your connection together. Sometimes you put a lot into a connection with someone and it just doesn't work; if you want to even try to suggest I should see my connection with Kimi that way, then you should be open to seeing your connection with Kimi that way too. You don't have to explain yourself. You don't have to try to push the relationship to work and escalate romantically when you should be seeing increasingly clearly every day that it's not supposed to take that direction.
You don't have to look for someone to blame, and it's not going to help you connect with Kimi properly enough to move on from this toxic bullshit dynamic you're in either. You shouldn't be fighting with her for seeming so serious about a relationship with you while secretly obviously wanting me so much more and putting such an insane amount of effort to get my connection with her to the point that it's currently at. Most likely, she genuinely actually did plan to be with you in the end, because as much as she wanted me, she never expected me to be so amazing and want her so badly that it'd ever have any real chance of happening. Just accept the reality and do your best to deal with it in a healthy way that can work towards a better future, because sticking to something with her at the severe detriment to her sanity, career, and ultimately life isn't doing anyone any favors.
Continuing to tolerate escalating romantically with Kimi when it's extremely destructive and me and her are so clearly much better suited for each other is NOT healthy or working towards a better future. Many might've told you to be a man and grow some balls, but I'll tell you to be a decent human being and grow some emotional awareness. Neither of you are truly happy together, and you're only going to become increasingly unhappy if you stay together. Believe me, I'll make sure of it.
Remember that Hyoon is reading this. Upon her realizing how deadly serious I am about my connection with Kimi, and how truly toxic your relationship with Kimi is, she's going to realize you probably like her a lot more than you've ever shown. I wouldn't be surprised if she starts making attempts to reach out to you more or show increased interest in you somehow. Don't let Kimi hold you back. KIMI IS MINE OR YOU'RE ALL FUCKED!!! DO YOU WANT THAT?!
Hyoon, Kimi's INSANELY insecure and controlling in that dynamic, and Peter's beta as fuck and feels EXTREMELY insecure about coming off like he just used Kimi to get help from her friends to pop off as a streamer (They helped him A LOT early on, if you didn't know... Several hosts and shit). Fucking cucklord extreme. Don't let his coldness fool you. I feel quite confident there was more to him posting that meme picture in response to your cosplay than you probably think.
Where Kimi flaunts how she's trapping Peter, which she'd only have to do if she's extremely controlling and abusive to ever make him want to leave in the first place to need to trap him.
Where Kimi unapologetically flaunts cucking the living shit out of Peter and basically torturing him with her massive sex appeal while denying him of any sex and "sending him to a training camp" if he ever asks her for it. She's also doing this while having dyed her hair purple, specifically to get my attention, arouse me, and make me want to continue communicating with her and trying to make my relationship with her work, while she was also living in George's house and cheating on Peter with George.
Where Kimi unapologetically flaunts the extent to which she's completely shameless about repeatedly cheating on Peter, publicly bragging about being in the "Champions Club", which if you didn't know, is a reference to cheating on a significant other.
Where Peter tactfully responds to me exposing Kimi's extremely fucked up behavior to him, by saying "a lot of surface level friends will like have an issue with someone and then never bring it up ever and just like let that kind of fester and then you will always have that like negative thing in your mind about this person", which was obviously referring to Kimi, as I had shortly beforehand started showing him VOD clip evidence of things she had done in the past, both things that showed me affection he likely never imagined she'd show, as well as exposing how disrespectfully she flaunted looking so sadistically at her relationship with him.
This happened right around the time all this other shit was happening, very much taking into consideration the context behind-the-scenes of the messages I was sending at that time, which were only to Kimi, Peter, Hana, Edison, and Celine. Peter puts down both himself and Kimi in one fell swoop, insulting streamers as a whole, and makes it pretty clear he actually hates her for abandoning me for him. The person that wrote that message in chat was not me, by the way; my guess is it was most likely one of Peter's friends he specifically requested to say it so he could respond to it in such a fashion.
There is more, but you should get the point already.
And if you don't believe that Kimi's been underhandedly showing massive affection towards me for years, then at this point, I'd like to direct you to the following portion of my Final Statement.
I've already shared this with some of Kimi's friends privately, and it seems they were quite shocked. Apparently, Kimi has been massively lying to everyone around her, completely denying ever having expressed feelings for me. Knowing the truth clearly had an effect on them, but it still hasn't produced the effect I wanted it to have on Kimi of her starting to communicate with me directly and treat me properly; as such, I'm hoping the completion and release of this statement publicly may do so before it's too late and things become very dark. Anyways, on to the proof.
This happened shortly after I told Kimi that I can't handle just being friends with her, and that if she truly "just wanted to remain distant friends" as she had told me when I'd confronted her about less direct affection she had expressed towards me in public previously, I had to completely leave her life, because I wanted a lot more than that and I had told her that extremely clearly from the very beginning; right after I met her in person literally only about a month after I joined her community, when she flew out to Toronto for the 2nd time within 3 months, more than anything else just to see me, I had already confessed my love for her.
Notice how very shortly after I say my message in chat, with a name that makes it look like we're dating yet she didn't ban me for having for the longest time might I add (AngelsShatteredWings), she gets visibly nervous and tries to smoothly change the song intentionally to one she specifically picked that expresses she was regretful for trying to play off her feelings towards me as ones towards Pants. If you can read microexpressions, you'd even notice that RIGHT after she reads my message, as she's playing it off that she's talking about Pants, she flashes this expression of guilt, worry, and sadness on her face. She even starts panicking even harder when Pants arrives, and quite visibly feels really embarrassed that now someone she actually just saw as a friend thought she was actually into him really hard secretly. She literally said she's REALLY INVESTED IN ME. She even went so far as to call what we had a lowkey long-distance relationship, when in private she LITERALLY told me that we were only "distant friends" and that's "all she ever wanted to be".
I'll refrain from posting screenshots of her messages to me, because I'm not trying to come off antagonistic towards her.
This behavior was really upsetting and felt very distant to me, and it hurt me a lot that she was acting this way, but I figured she must really just not care enough if she'd rather do this strange shit and send intense mixed messages than communicate with me properly, so I gave her space, abruptly completely stopped sending her any DMs, talking in her Discord server, or talking in her stream chat. I was silently really sad and angry, but I felt like there was nothing I could really do, and that just made the pain worse. Within less than 2 months, she had a mental breakdown on stream, and I started sending messages to Leslie to pass them on to Kimi, since Kimi had disabled Discord DMs from people she wasn't friends with, her Twitter DMs were closed, and I didn't have her personal email address at that point. I'll refrain from sharing a clip of that as it's quite emotional and once again I'm not trying to come off antagonistic towards her. Anyways, here's another one.
At this time, I was getting really upset at Kimi for being so distant and giving so many mixed messages to me, sending essays to Leslie to pass on to her. As you can see, she's visibly going crazy, LITERALLY saying "I am going insane", and LITERALLY talking about having found the "perfect person in her life" and that she feels this sense of her deciding to "just settle" for something less, even though she really doesn't want to, with the way that she's living her life. Perhaps to someone that doesn't know about her connection with me and how I was sending her huge walls of text through Leslie regularly telling her she's the love of my life, my dream woman, and the person I want to spend my life with, then maybe this comment might seem innocent and random.
I'll spare you screenshots of essays I've sent Leslie to pass on to Kimi, but I can tell you that after I shared just these 2 clips and the background behind them with some of Kimi's friends, they ended up having a serious talk with her and deciding they need therapy themselves because of how fucked up they felt for blindly trusting her lies about me.
This is just a TINY fraction of a HUGE ARCHIVE of shit like this that I have that proves many, MANY things Kimi's done that are SHADY AS ALL FUCK if she doesn't have EXTREMELY INTENSE intimate feelings for me that deep in her heart she wants to pursue. Based on what you can see in that last clip, it seems that she's starting to come to terms with her feelings in more recent times, and wants to start embracing the intensely intimate feelings she feels towards me deep inside her heart, but I'm not going to wait forever, and I'm not going to sit around letting her go at snail speed with starting to face and act upon her emotions properly to the point that I start doubting if they're even really there.
And now, hopefully you can begin to understand why it's practically an insult to me when you or anyone else in the world attempts to throw themselves at me or express desire to be with me, especially in response to knowing about this situation. I see it as an insult to Kimi, Chloe, and myself, making Kimi and Chloe feel really jealous and feeding their delusions that there's any chance I could ever be anything even resembling happy without them, and putting me under even more stress and pressure to try even harder than I already have been to show them how incomparably precious and arousing to me they truly are and will forever be.
Ultimately, ANY situation where I don't end up having both Kimi and Chloe at the same time forever, no more and no less, is a MASSIVE insult to me, if not also to both of these women, ESPECIALLY after how I released the initial public revision of my book; this was absolutely my intent in doing so, because I know how badly I want this ultimate fantasy of mine to become reality.
Suggesting I should tolerate only having Kimi equates to at the very least suggesting I should tolerate being MASSIVELY disrespected, which is EXTREMELY insulting to me.
Suggesting I should tolerate only having Chloe equates to at the very least suggesting I should tolerate being EXTREMELY shallow AND tolerate being EVEN MORE MASSIVELY disrespected, which is EVEN MORE EXTREMELY insulting to me.
Suggesting I should tolerate having neither Kimi nor Chloe equates to at the very least suggesting I should tolerate being TO THE HIGHEST DEGREE POSSIBLE disrespected AND shallow, and NEVER be anything even REMOTELY close to truly satisfied or happy with life, which is just disrespectful and insulting to me beyond words.
Suggesting Kimi and Chloe should tolerate any other women also being involved in our relationship equates to at the very least suggesting that they should tolerate feeling like they're cheap sluts that aren't even NEARLY as attractive to me as they truly are and deserve to EXTREMELY clearly know they are and will always be for eternity, which is a MASSIVE insult to both of them.
So kindly back the fuck off. Please and thank you. I will only ask you nicely once. I want to try to remain as nice as possible, but at this point, I feel like if I'm not very firm with you, then you and possibly other women as well will not truly get the message.
From what I see, it would appear you really don't understand what I mean and how serious I am when I say I could've already popped the fuck off and been stupid famous if I wanted and preferred to just cancel Kimi instead of sincerely want to spend my life with her. You probably think you're in such a good position to show me some affection and earn my affection in return over time, perhaps one "better" or "bigger" than me, with the existing fame you have and perhaps the extent of your physical attractiveness.
There was a reason I told you to stop and rejected you outright in my first e-mail where I included you in the list, telling you it's not playing hard-to-get or reverse psychology. I don't play games like that. I knew you probably don't know the half of the situation, don't really care enough to read my whole book, probably not even the entirety of the "mini" version, and so arrogantly would assume your looks and fame alone would be really appealing to me, while probably being so careless you're fine simply taking Kimi's word for it whenever she probably MASSIVELY downplayed the extent of my feelings for her, the extent of hell she's put me through all these years, the extent of grace and love I've constantly responded to it with, and the immense level of arousal she's felt from and towards me as a result.
Like, Celine's behavior clearly was just intended to help out her friends, which I can't really fault her all that much for wanting to do if I'm completely honest. It's so transparently fake that her true intentions are obvious. But you? You're trying to be so smart and smooth about what you're doing that although it seems a lot less gross and creepy on the surface, it feels MUCH more gross and creepy to me personally. I feel like you actually do want to have a relationship with me and have sex with me, but not because you actually think I'm hot and want to spend your life with me, but rather because you were smart enough to see for quite some time that anyone who would ever be in any kind of serious relationship with me stands to gain A LOT from doing so.
Your approach comes off like you want to be with me, but only to use me as much as you think you can to benefit your own life, and then be increasingly cruel and push me away once you feel you've gotten what you were after, or try to force me to stay with you while you treat me extremely sadistically and probably start expecting to get to sleep around with other people and have me at the very least tolerate that if not enjoy it, which I could NEVER do, even if you tried to justify it by saying you're fine if I sleep around too. This becomes ESPECIALLY true when you'd think about how you feel I deserve such for appearing to have that kind of attitude towards Kimi and you think I'll ultimately have that attitude towards you as well.
It doesn't matter how hot you are physically; I look right through that. Anyone who doesn't know about the hot-crazy matrix is a fucking retard, and I'm pretty sure you're single because you're quite up there on the crazy part to match how up there you are on the hot part. Being completely honest, at this point, to me, you're just pretty gross and creepy, not to mention stupidly shallow and egotistical. And you've already shown your true colors to me so blatantly, so there's no backtracking now. If I'm wrong, then you can believe it's my loss I guess, but I certainly don't feel like I've lost out on anything either way. I only want Kimi and Chloe, not you. And that's never changing, no matter what you or anyone else does.
There's pretty much no getting hotter than you in my eyes as far as looks are concerned, other than Kimi and Chloe, but nobody in the world could ever compare to them no matter what. So I'm not rejecting you out of lack of physical attractiveness. Any other woman roughly at an equal level of physical attractiveness as you trying to get at me in any way would come off roughly equally as gross and creepy. Any other woman less physically attractive than you trying to get at me is not only gross and creepy but also extremely stupid. There is nobody else in the world that I have any kind of emotional, romantic, or sexual feelings towards that are even remotely to the extent that I have towards Kimi and Chloe, and this will never change.
Hopefully, this will also help any other women that probably are also thinking of trying or already trying in ways I don't notice to get at me, to also get the clue and back the fuck off.