Before getting into my experiences with sex and love, I suppose it's best to start with my experiences with lust.
Some women I lusted after and got nothing from. Others I didn't even lust after and got some things from.
I'll stick to mentioning the women I lusted after.
Since I had an extremely tunnel-vision focus on my career and professional prospects shortly after graduating from high school, I almost never went out or interacted with women because I was far too busy spending literally all my waking time working on my professional goals. As such, other than the one girl that I lusted after in elementary school (some may call her my "first love"), these girls are from my high school experience.
I guess I'll start with the girl I liked in elementary. Her name was Kathy.
Looking at her now, Kathy's completely nothing special. She's cute, sure. She's certainly not ugly, I can say that much. But would I say she's particularly attractive? Not even remotely. She's about as average as it gets, both in appearance and personality. From my current perspective, I have no clue what the young me was thinking absolutely obsessing over this girl for four whole years nonstop.
When I try to explain it, the only real reason I can think of was that I was very young and had hardly seen much of the world. I hadn't seen many attractive women in my life, and there was certainly a distinct lack of women I found even remotely attractive at my elementary school. Of all the girls in my grade, I thought maybe about three or four were interesting. That's pretty terrible, considering that I also thought three of the female teachers were attractive. You can tell there's going to be problems when you have the same amount of females you find attractive around your age in your environment as you find females three times your age in your environment attractive.
Basically, what I'm trying to get at is that my options were all pretty bad, so even though this girl is something I clearly don't see as anything special now, back then, she was amazing.
It's really strange the more I think about it though. When I look back at it now, there was another girl who I gave close to no attention to, but who I'd say is far more attractive looking at things now, both physically and mentally. Between Kathy and that girl, they were both part of the "popular" kids too, so even the foolish notion of social status we encounter in elementary school wasn't a driving force in me becoming so obsessed with Kathy.
This other girl was actually so arousing that I remember there was a solid week where I randomly stopped touching myself to Kathy, and instead suddenly felt extremely aroused by this other girl and touched myself to her even more intensely. Even back then, upon taking a moment to think about her attractiveness, I came to find her more voluptuous and physically attractive, and also noticed that her personality was cuter, sexier, more exciting, and, even with my limited capacity at the time to gauge it, more compatible with my personality. I felt so turned on by her that she was the reason that for the first time, I was so turned on as I lied in my bed with my dick hard thinking about her that I couldn't even care about grabbing a tissue to shoot my load into after I came, and opted to just touch myself under my pants and let the load shoot out into my underwear.
I didn't think much about it throughout elementary and high school, but I did end up reflecting on it a decent amount afterwards, realizing just how confusing it truly was to me that I never actually pursued this other girl. The only plausible explanation I have for it is that once I initially spilled it to a couple "cool" kids that I liked Kathy, and they proceeded to spread it to the rest of the entire grade even though they told me they wouldn't, I felt like I had to stay committed. It's indeed an extremely stupid reason, especially since Kathy was very clearly never into me in the slightest, but I was considerably socially inept as an elementary school kid.
I ended up doing several things that made a fool out of myself. I handed her flowers and it was really awkward. I told her I loved her and it was really awkward. I asked her to flash me because I was peer pressured into it, to which she initially pretended to be angry and stormed off, then later came back and said she was just messing around. It was awkward. The whole thing was ridiculously stupid and pathetic, but the young me was extremely foolish and naive and desperately thought I may have had a chance with her.
She made an attempt to reach out to me as a friend once. It was really awkward. I was aimlessly pacing in a corner of the field, and she didn't even have the courage to approach me alone, she had to come with a friend. Well, it was either that, or her friend was there to confirm that she actually followed through with it, and to report back to the "cool" kids what my reaction was.
Anyways, I was instantly paranoid that it was some kind of trap to make me look foolish, and I had a notion that I was one of the awkward losers and Kathy was one of the "cool" kids, so there's no possible way we could actually be friends. Looking at it now, it's pretty crazy that I was that aware of boundaries and social cues to know that me and her were practically from different worlds, and yet I still so hopelessly obsessed over her and kept believing somehow there was some hope I'd get her one day.
Well, unsurprisingly, grade 4 through 8 passed and elementary school finished, and I hadn't actually gotten anywhere with her. Surprisingly, I wasn't nearly as crushed as I thought I'd be. Summer started, and I just did my thing on the computer. All I remember is I'm not sure exactly when or exactly why, but at some point, I told myself I'd make sure high school was different. I wouldn't let myself be socially retarded, and I wouldn't obsess over any girls I had no chance with and make an idiot and clown out of myself constantly. I had that thought process going through my head, and as summer ended, high school began.
And was it different.
The very first day, I didn't make any friends. I went to my classes, the day ended, and I went home. No big deal, I thought, obviously I won't make friends right away. But I didn't expect to end up making them as fast as I did.
The second day, I went to my classes again. Didn't really talk to anyone again. At the time, I took the bus home, and as I was walking to the bus stop, I told myself the same thing I'd told myself the first day.
It just so happened that some guy I saw in the halls at one point was walking home, walking towards the bus stop I was waiting at. I wasn't sure if he was going to take the bus or keep walking, but for some unknown reason, I decided to strike up a conversation with him in the strangest way I'd ever done so in my life that I'd never done before. I randomly asked him if I'd seen him before.
I don't remember how the conversation progressed from there, but long story short, he was warmly receptive to my awkward opener, and just like that, suddenly we were friends. He told me he'd introduce me to his other friends he had already made and hung out with after school, the next day.
The next day came, and man was I happy to be introduced to that guy's friends. The first person I was introduced to was a girl I thought was considerably attractive. The first girl I met and became friends with in high school, and it was already a girl way hotter than Kathy. On top of that, this girl actually seemed into me, something I'd never felt from Kathy at all. I already started to feel good about this whole high school experience. There was also another girl in the group of a few friends I was introduced to, and she was the one I'd consider the prettiest of this group, which I'd soon learn had even a few other girls in it, but she was more timid than the first girl, and she seemed not to be very interested in getting to know me, so I took it easy with talking to her.
Those girls were pretty and all, and I did indeed lust after them for quite some time in the end, but I never really chased them, nor was my lust ever extremely intense; I just thought they were among the most attractive girls in the school, I was happy to be friends with them, and that was about as far as that went for the most part. The one girl who showed interest in me did end up letting me feel up her breasts and butt a few times as I got closer to her throughout the years we'd hang out after school almost every single day, but we never ended up dating nor doing anything really sexual.
The real subject of my extreme lust from high school was another girl whom I got introduced to and became friends with later, several months after grade 9 had already started, by the time it was already second semester.
I had some friends already at this point, but I figured it always couldn't hurt to make new ones. Additionally, I still didn't have any friends that were more hardcore into computers and gaming as I was at that point, so I was still looking for such a friend. English class came around, and pretty quickly, I found a guy that seemed to fit the position. I sat beside a dude that knew that guy, and he very briefly introduced us. We wasted no time starting to talk about computers and games, and the conversation pretty much instantly started going well. We became friends just like that.
The reason I mention that guy in this chapter is because he ended up being the reason that the woman I found by far the most attractive in the entire high school ended up making her presence known to me and becoming a part of that friend group I had with that guy, and therefore one of my friends. It happened because she was in love with him. She wanted to date him. She became kind of obsessed with him, and out of nowhere suddenly started just hanging out with us all the time and trying hard to fit in and be accepted. I was never really much of an anime watcher, but this girl and my friend that she was in love with were both heavily into it, and combined with the fact that my friend didn't have many female friends so he enjoyed the attention, the girl fit in and became friends with the group pretty quickly and easily.
Her and I were decently good friends at first. For at least about a year, we seemed to get along well enough. We were even close enough that she invited me to one of her birthday parties and everything went just fine. Our interactions weren't at all flirty or sexual in any nature really, and I'm actually quite certain she never for one moment suspected during that time that I found her to be by far the most attractive girl in the whole school.
To be completely honest, my desires for her weren't that strong initially. Somehow, I actually didn't find her very attractive at all in the very beginning. It wasn't that I thought she was ugly, I simply thought she was just a friend and nothing special physically. She was literally just another one of my several female friends that I had all throughout high school. After about a year though, I happened to actually take a good look at her butt one day, and I suddenly realized it was very nice. In fact, once I actually paid some attention to it, I realized it was easily by far the best butt on any girl in the whole school. Although I still found her face and breasts nothing special at that point and was only focused on how sexy her butt was, I've always been a butt person, and her having the best butt instantly made her extremely attractive to me.
She still somehow didn't manage to immediately make it to the top of my list on most attractive girls in the school at that point, I really don't know how. It was like her butt was so nice that after not even noticing it for so long, it didn't quite sink in right away just how sexy it really was to me. Slowly though, I got more and more aroused by it as I sneaked glances at it more and more frequently. Eventually, I realized I was extremely attracted to it, and she finally made it to the top of my list of most attractive women in the school. I wasn't sure how to communicate my feelings to her clearly, and I wasn't sure if she'd be positively receptive to it, so I was scared. She was a considerably close part of that friend group I had by that point, so I knew it'd be awkward if I just told her my feelings.
For some reason, perhaps because I had such a lack of love in my life from my family, I went through a phase in high school of simply randomly joking around and randomly telling several people that I was friends with, both girls and boys, that I loved them. If they looked weirded out, as they pretty much always did, I tried to clarify and said it was lighthearted and I didn't mean it in a sexual way, to which they usually pretty quickly chilled out. I was always more of a charismatic and outgoing personality in general, and I had a reputation and was literally the most popular kid in the school, so for the most part people were pretty chill about it. Usually, people would respond with something to the effect of "oh yeah, I love you too, as a friend of course". Sometimes, when I'd say it to the more carefree friends I had, they'd mess around and flirt with me and tell me they love me too and send a sexual kinda expression my way; even some guys would do that.
Of course, there were some that took it a little too seriously, especially the first time I said it, and they'd say something to the effect of "the feeling's not mutual"; usually this was guys that didn't know me as well and thought I was making some kind of sexual move on them. They'd still laugh and just look visibly a little uncomfortable, and even in those cases, I'd clarify and say I didn't mean it sexually, and they'd chill out. But nobody reacted the way to me messing around and telling them I loved them like Chloe did. I tried saying it to her on a few different occasions, and every time she responded by smiling, giggling, and literally saying, "I hate you" with a grin still on her face.
The first time she did it, I thought she was just trying to get creative with me because she'd seen me do it to other people and wanted to see how I'd react to her saying something nobody else had ever said, but after I responded with "I still love you anyways" and laughed it off casually the first time she said it, she still did exactly the same thing in subsequent times I told her I love her.
I really wasn't sure how to react to this. We were friends, yet she was giving me the most blatantly cruel response possible, and she wasn't even a dude that I could understand might just be really bothered by mistakenly thinking that I was gay and actually sexually attracted to him. I saw only two possibilities: she either secretly was in love with me or at least found me appealing and was looking for me to actually flirt with her and chase a relationship with her and wanted to try to express it to me as best she could that way, or that she actually really disliked me and wished I'd stop talking to her entirely and leave her and that friend group alone entirely.
I was hurt and offended. As far as being interested in me and secretly trying to show it to me went, she had already stopped chasing my friend that she had initially been in love with, and was now actively chasing his best friend. It seemed far too strange of a way to express wanting me to actually flirt with her and start chasing a relationship with her, so I saw the only other possibility being that she actually hated me and wanted me to go away. About the third or fourth time I told her I loved her and she once again smiled, giggled, and literally responded with the exact words "I hate you", I had enough. What instantly went through my head was, "Okay, you hate me? So you definitely don't want to ever talk to me again then. Fine. Fuck you too. I'm going to just start flat-out ignoring you from now on. You can have what you want."
That was at the end of the day after school, and after I made that decision, I simply picked up my backpack to leave and started walking away to head outside and start walking to my bus stop to take the bus home. I don't remember exactly for what, but as I was leaving, Chloe tried to talk to me, calling out to me more than once as I was walking away. I was entirely unresponsive and just kept walking.
That was the beginning of me ignoring her. For several months after that, I didn't say one word to her. It definitely made things kinda awkward with me in that friend group, because they all were actively aware that I was ignoring Chloe. She stopped trying to talk to me pretty quickly after she realized what I was doing. As time went by, her butt turned me on more and more. By grade 12, I was already thinking about it and touching myself to it every single day. I'd sneak glances at it every chance I had, which was quite often given that she was part of the friend group I hung out with the most.
I'm not sure what she told people, but I'm quite certain she was dishonest about the full truth, both to others and even herself.
After March Break in grade 12, high school was approaching its last few months, and my arousal for Chloe's butt was so high that I knew I absolutely wouldn't be able to forgive myself if I didn't somehow break the silence and make it very clear to her that I found her butt extremely arousing. Obviously, I couldn't just blurt it out in front of all of my other friends, so I knew I had to get her alone and talk to her that way.
One day, right after March Break, I caught her in the halls after a class and as she was entering a spare period. I just casually approached her and asked her if we could talk, alone. She was surprisingly quite calm, understandably surprised, but overall quite pleasant and very easily agreed without even questioning my intent at all and went to a secluded staircase area to be alone with me.
When we were finally alone, I was so turned on and thrilled to finally be alone with Chloe and able to talk to her after so long, especially knowing what I was going to say to her, that I literally couldn't stop giggling for a good while at first. She smiled and asked me in a very gentle and friendly way why I was laughing. I just told her I need a moment and just need her to wait for me to calm down a little, to which she kindly obliged. After I finally calmed down enough to stop giggling, I finally looked her in the eyes and got out what I got her alone to say.
"Can I squeeze your ass?" I said with a smile still on my face and about to start giggling again.
I was so nervous and really scared of what would happen next. I'd went through this situation in my head for hours and hours throughout several days while I'd been contemplating actually getting the courage to do it.
I expected one of two things to happen.
The first possibility I'd gone through in my head was the one I fantasized about: that she was going to smile, tell me something to the effect of "Wow! That's so sweet/sexy! You were ignoring me this whole time, but you were secretly so turned on by my ass this whole time that you now can't resist to ask me if you can touch it? As long as you realize this doesn't suddenly mean we're dating, sure! Why not?"
Maybe, if I was extremely lucky, she might even ask me if I'd like to start dating since we were both single and I must clearly find her quite attractive to be asking, since I'd never done anything like that to anyone ever before, and she found it considerably attractive that I felt that way towards her despite having ignored her for so long. Then, she'd turn around so her butt was facing my direction, turn her head over her shoulder to look at me, and then tell me something to the effect of "Go right ahead, enjoy yourself," with a smile still on her face. My response to which would be to thank her for her kindness and proceed to feel her ass up thoroughly, get a boner, and then ask her if she wanted to help me with it or if I should go take care of it myself in the washroom.
That possibility turned me on so much I knew I had to try doing this, even as unlikely as I knew it was to end up that way.
The other possibility, the one I thought was pretty much certain to happen, was she'd look at me with an expression of sheer disgust, extremely creeped out, and basically say something to the effect of "What the fuck? Hell no you can't squeeze my ass! You ignore me for so long, and now the first thing you have to say to me after all this time is that you want to grab my ass?! Get away from me, you creep!"
My response to that would be to apologize profusely, tell her I meant no offense and that I'd leave her alone and never ask again, and to leave the situation as quickly as possible. Then probably touch myself in the washroom anyways because I'd be so relieved that at least she finally knew how I felt and at least I tried.
What actually happened, and caught me completely off guard, was neither of those things.
She smiled, giggled, and with a smile still on her face, tenderly asked me simply, "Why?"
I was going crazy. My mind was racing. I was completely caught off guard. "Why? What do you mean why?! Why would anyone ever ask you to squeeze your ass?! I think it's extremely sexy to the point I can't help but take a desperate shot in the dark and ask you if I can squeeze it against all odds because that's just how much it turns me on, obviously! How can you stand there smiling, giggling, and simply ask me why as if there would ever be more than one reason for me to ask?!" is what I was thinking. I was a really anxious nervous wreck back then, so I was very poorly emotionally equipped to handle the situation, which still makes me feel really bad to this day.
"Because I think it's really nice and I wanna touch it. Please?" I blurted out like an idiot.
She giggled again, then simply said, "No," with a smile still on her face.
This made me feel even more crazy. "No?! What do you mean no?! You must know you turn me on a lot, yet you ask me why I wanna touch your ass, and then when I openly admit to you that I find you very attractive and am simply so turned on by you that I just can't help but want to touch it, you simply deny me with a giggle and a smile on your face?! What the fuck is even going on?! How am I supposed to react to this?!" was all that went through my head. I was extremely disappointed that I got rejected, and in such a teasing way at that.
"Come on, are you sure?" I tried one last time, already feeling defeated.
"I'm sure. You can't," she responded calmly.
"Has anyone ever asked to touch your butt before?" I asked out of genuine curiosity. I thought her butt was incredible, the best I'd ever seen, so I figured she must've.
"No, you're the first," she replied, a smile still on her face.
"Really? No way. Herman never asked?" I said in surprise. Herman was her ex-boyfriend, the only relationship she'd had throughout all of high school as far as I was aware, and he'd broken up with her after about a month or two.
"Nope, never," she had no hesitation to respond with. She seemed a little disappointed about it and her smile started to fade.
"Wow. I don't know why he didn't; I would've, your butt is really nice," I told her. I wish I'd told her it was the best I'd ever seen, which was true at that point and remained true for several years, up until I saw Kimi's. Chloe's butt remains the second best I've ever seen.
She looked me in the eyes silently for a little while. She had a big smile once again. The situation was feeling weirder by the moment.
"Well, I think you're pretty hot in general. Would you ever date me?" I felt the need to ask. I'd wanted to date her for so long and I figured I might as well take the opportunity to ask at that point.
"No, I'm only into Asians," she responded, still smiling.
"Okay... Can I at least have a hug?" I said as I tried to figure out what the situation even meant.
"No. Anything else?" she responded, giggling a little after.
"Okay... No, nothing," I said, feeling very confused and upset at the interaction.
"Okay..." she said calmly, seeming confused but pleased. A big smile remained on her face.
I opened a door to leave the staircase area and held it open for her to walk through. There were a few doors she could've used and I expected her to open a door for herself and use that one instead, but to my surprise, she moved from where she'd been standing and headed through the door I was holding, without any hesitation but also calmly and not seeming particularly uncomfortable nor in a rush to get away from me.
After she passed the doorway, she calmly glanced back to look at me, I'm assuming to catch me looking at her butt as she must've been quite certain I was going to do. Naturally, she wasn't wrong. I was looking, and I already knew I needed to go to the washroom and relieve myself after that interaction and view she was so calmly giving me.
When I saw her glancing back watching me looking at her butt, I was even more confused and upset. Why did she want confirmation I was looking at her butt after that interaction when she already must've known I'd look and she should be creeped out and want to get away from me as fast as possible instead of basking in my arousal for her? The mixed signals were strong as fuck.
At this point, she'd just passed the doorway and her butt had hardly even been in my view for very long to begin with. She was very curious for someone who should've been creeped out and want me to leave her alone. I had no reason to stay in that area myself, so I went through the door as well. We were only about a meter away from each other, but after I saw her glancing back like that, I was so confused at her desires and so turned on by her wanting to know I was looking and being so calm about it that I felt like I was going crazy.
As she kept watching me, I quickly turned my gaze from her face back to her butt, took a couple steps forward quickly, and tried to grab her butt. The material of the pants she was wearing didn't have good grip at all, and when combined with how big her butt was and the fact she was walking, my grip slipped as I tried to squeeze and my hand barely made contact with one of her butt cheeks for half a second.
Still looking at me, she jerked her body away and stopped for a moment. We looked each other in the eyes.
"Sorry... I thought..." I let my voice trail off. It was useless. I felt like a massive creep. I resented the whole situation. I started walking away.
She was a lot calmer than I thought she'd be. She didn't look angry, scared, or creeped out at all. She started walking beside me. "It's okay," was all she said.
The whole situation felt extremely strange to me. I felt really guilty for what I'd done, even though I knew why I'd done it. I figured I should apologize again or something, but I wasn't sure exactly what to say or do at that point.
I slowed down a little and let her lead the way, but we were still walking pretty much side by side. We walked down a couple hallways together and entered the cafeteria. We sat at the edge of one of the tables, facing each other. She started looking me in the eyes and opening up to me about her personal issues. She talked to me about how she didn't feel loved in her family and that she was really upset her parents favored her little brother over her because he was male and they gave him so much freedom even as a child while she felt suffocated by their restrictions on her.
It was the most fucked up I'd ever felt in my entire life. I was feeling so many things. Angry at myself for being so pathetic and stupid. Angry at her for leading me on and giving me so many mixed signals. Sad I didn't get to actually feel her up. Confused about what was even going on. Horny from the view of her butt and the experience I'd just had and wanted to jerk off to her badly. I really wanted to stare at her breasts while she talked because they were quite nice too, but I somehow managed to control myself and keep eye contact as she just kept calmly talking to me for reasons beyond my comprehension. I listened in silence.
As the period ended and she had to go to class, I apologized once again for what I'd done. The whole situation felt so fucked up that I was already wishing I could forget about it and all the arousal I had for Chloe. I felt so much guilt and I was really sad she'd never return feelings that I was feeling so intensely. I figured that I'd at least somewhat made up for the discomfort I would've made her feel by letting her basically vent to me about personal shit. She seemed okay and wasn't in any particular rush to leave me alone, but we had different classes to go to so we both got up at the same time and left the cafeteria.
I had to touch myself a lot that night.
The next day, I learned Chloe had went and blabbed to at least a few people in the mutual friend group we had that I'd hang out with nearly every day. As I approached our usual end of the hallway area after school to hang out, one of my friends approached me.
"Did you ask to grab Chloe's ass?" he asked me with a smile, giggling a little in disbelief.
"Huh? No. If I wanted to touch it, I'd just do it," I said and let out a little laugh.
I felt bad about lying to a good friend of mine, but I didn't see any option. It was a lose-lose situation. I felt extremely upset that Chloe had went and blabbed about it to other people. Given that she told me she was only into Asians, she told me she'd never like me, so it seemed quite obvious nothing good could come of admitting it. It came off like she was trying to ruin my reputation and get attention.
I figured I'd tried my best to make it better by apologizing more than once and letting her vent and then leaving her alone. I didn't want to ruin my reputation nor seem obsessed and as if I thought it was acceptable behavior to have tried touching her butt anyways in an inevitable more detailed breakdown of events that would have to follow an admittance.
He seemed to believe me quite easily. He didn't press me any further.
The next day, I by chance caught Chloe alone in the hall on her way to a class. I decided to take the opportunity to try to clear the air a little with her. I approached her.
"Hey, sorry to bother you, can I talk to you for a minute?"
"I'm going to class. What is it?" she responded as she kept walking.
"Look. I'm sorry about the other day. I won't do it again. If you don't like me, I won't bother you about it. Can you just not go around blabbing to everyone?" I said as I kept up with her pace. I knew she had to get to class quickly so I didn't have much time. I didn't need it anyways.
"Fine," she responded.
"Thanks," I said as I started to turn around and walk away.
Not that it really mattered. She'd already blabbed. Rumors were going around. The damage was done. I was pissed, but there was nothing I could do. I was the most popular kid in the entire school and people started rumors about me several times about things that were actually completely false. I'd been confronted about those things by several people on different occasions and denied them and explained the truth behind whatever it was if there was any truth to it at all.
I didn't ever get confronted by anyone else about my interaction with Chloe.
I'm not sure what she told people, but I'm quite certain she lied.
After school one day when she was hanging out in our friend group like she did sometimes, I decided to take the opportunity to ask her if we could talk alone for a while before she left to go home for the day. She seemed quite curious and immediately accepted, eager to start walking alone with me. We made our way to an empty hallway with a staircase in a corner of the school.
Not wanting to repeat the same mistake I made with Chloe, I first told her I thought she was very attractive. She smiled, thanked me and seemed flattered and a little shy. I then casually but gently told her I thought she had a really nice butt and asked her if she was willing to stand in front of me or bend over and let me take a good look at it because I really wanted to. With a smile still on her face, she responded that she was completely fine with me looking at it as much as I wanted when she was around or if I saw her in the halls, but she didn't feel like standing right in front of me or intentionally bending over in front of me or anything.
I thought she too would look at me disgusted and call me a pervert, seeming uncomfortable and telling me to leave her alone and never make such a request again, but her reaction was nothing like that. She didn't seem disgusted or even bothered at all by my quite explicitly sexual request, and it felt quite clearly to me like she wanted to do it but she just felt too shy to admit it and go for it.
After I asked her if she was sure I couldn't even get a little bit of a better view, she verbally said no, but she was still being quite receptive to the conversation and my presence and didn't seem uncomfortable nor disgusted by my desires and advances at all as I was very obviously staring at her breasts and thighs. I told her it was okay and I asked her if I could walk with her for a while on her way home, to which she was okay with. I told her I'd follow closely behind her because the view was better; once again she didn't have a problem with this.
After walking that way for probably not even ten seconds, I casually asked her if touching her butt was something she was more open to letting me do and reached over and grabbed it. After a second, she said no verbally, but still didn't seem actually disgusted nor uncomfortable at all. She didn't try to move away like Chloe did. She didn't even try to get me to take my hand off. She just said no but let me keep my hand on her butt, gently squeezing one of her butt cheeks. After a couple squeezes, I said fine, apologized, and let go. She said it was okay. I looked at her and we smiled at each other.
Less than a minute later, I did it again and she had the same reaction. This time I didn't apologize afterwards. By the time I walked with her for only a few minutes, I'd grabbed her butt seven times with her giving the same reaction. Yes, she let me grab her butt and caress it seven times, putting up no real resistance whatsoever on every occasion and seeming to have enjoyed it. As I let go of her butt for the seventh time and we approached a parking lot across the field, before she turned the corner, she thanked me for walking with her and told me her parents were waiting and it was probably best they didn't see, to which I agreed. She headed to the parking lot and I headed back to the school.
After that, I felt like she was actually super into me but really shy to admit it and didn't want to come off too easy, which is why I later tried to grab her breasts, thinking she just wanted me to express my desires for her more openly so she'd finally feel comfortable admitting them and starting to date me. After all, it seemed like a pretty good bet to me that you don't just let someone feel your butt up seven times within a few minutes only playfully seeming not to enjoy it, unless you actually really liked the person.
The following day, I took an opportunity where she wasn't doing much and just hanging around to approach her.
"Hey," I said as I approached her from behind. I wrapped my arms around her and gently squeezed her breasts.
She was silent.
For a moment, I wasn't sure what was happening, then things started feeling weird and I let go. It was really weird. She looked me in the eyes for a very short while and blinked a couple times, then looked away and just pretended it never happened. I was left even more confused, and I once again felt very guilty.
I definitely wouldn't have done that if she hadn't been so receptive to me feeling her butt up. I don't know or care why she acted that way, all I know is I'm long over her and just never want to have anything to do with her ever again.
Looking back on it now, I definitely could've approached things a lot better than I did. I was just a nervous mess from abuse at home, and that intense anxiety was combined with the intense stress of my depression and gender dysphoria, combined further with the extreme frustration and confusion from the mixed signals I'd got from Chloe, I simply wasn't able to even think very clearly.
I don't remember exactly, but within a few days after that, I was called into the principal's office. He told me Chloe had told him about the incident where I'd asked to touch her butt. I admitted to it and said I felt bad and wouldn't repeat it. He asked me if I'd apologized to her, and I told him that I had already done so more than once, shortly after I'd done it. It was the truth.
He asked me if I'd done such a thing to anyone else. Gina popped in my head. Given that Gina had actually let me touch her several times and seemed quite okay with it, I supposed he wasn't talking about something like that, and more along the lines of someone who'd shown more intense distaste for it like Chloe had. I hadn't, so I said no. The principal told me not to repeat my actions, but that he'd let me off with a warning because I was generally a good student and didn't get into trouble.
Once again, I don't remember exactly, but within a few days following that, I was called into the principal's office again. He told me that he'd been informed about me touching Gina too, and he now had to inform the police and I'd have to deal with them. Additionally, I was given a week's suspension and told to go home.
It was a mess. I had to go to court and deal with a preliminary hearing for sexual assault charges. I had to deal with the police. I had to go to the station, they took my fingerprints, threw me in a jail cell for a few hours, and I had to wait to see what would happen. I got interrogated. I learned that Gina hadn't told the truth and that she'd said I only touched her butt once. I assume Chloe also lied about exactly what happened in my interaction with her as well.
I didn't bother denying things and I didn't even want to try explaining myself. I didn't care. I didn't feel good about what I'd done, nor did I have any intention to mess with these girls any further; I just wanted it all behind me and I knew I hadn't done anything severe. I accepted what I'd done was wrong, told the officers I'd already apologized to both girls, which was true, and told them it was a lapse in judgement and I wouldn't do it again. They said they'd put in a word for me to the judge.
The charges ended up being dropped and I was basically let off with a warning.
After that experience, I swore to myself some things:
Before the school year ended, Chloe ended up posting a picture on her Facebook, the first ever like it, with a completely clear view of her butt. It was right around my birthday too, as if it was a birthday present to me. It was seemingly totally random with no other possible reason I could think of as to why she did it. I can't imagine why she posted it if not to taunt me. She's standing upright in tight white jeans with her butt front and center of the picture, her head turned to look at the camera as if to be watching you knowing that you're staring at her butt and getting turned on.
Not only that, but at one point afterwards, while she was sitting beside Herman, only being friends with them as they'd broken up, she got up, turned around to face her back to me as I was sitting directly opposite from him in the hallway, and bent all the way right over to look at his laptop screen upside down, as opposed to simply sitting beside him and looking at it from the side as she had been for quite some time already. This resulted in her sticking her extremely voluptuous butt, that she knew I considered as such, pretty much right in my face. It was literally less than two meters away.
I never said a word to her for the remainder of high school.
She was an interesting learning experience.
She was the one that started talking to me. She told me about and even showed me about her habits of sending dirty messages and even having webcam sex. I told her pretty early on that I thought she had a really nice butt and I wanted to touch it; she responded by asking me why I wanted to touch hers and not other girls' and when I told her that hers was very nice and we had a connection I didn't have with other girls, she refused, but she continued to hang out with me and flirt. We went on a date for lunch at one point at a pizza place in a plaza not too far from the school.
She was the one that first suggested we spend some time alone together in one of the hallways in the school with no camera coverage near a staircase. She let me feel up her thigh and the side of her butt for a good half an hour straight once, us both looking each other in the eyes sensually pretty much the whole time; it was a quite intense experience for me. She invited me to grope her breasts. I pretty quickly started to feel very turned on around her.
At one point in one of our times spent together alone in that hallway, she even claimed I poked her pussy and yet didn't really seem upset about it and continued to hang out with me and talk pleasantly after. My hand hadn't actually made contact with her crotch area at all, and certainly not her vagina; her accusation came completely out of nowhere and caught me completely off-guard. I completely denied having poked it and all I could think at the moment was that I was concerned she was trying to get me in trouble for something I hadn't even done; such a shame I was so clueless I missed out on the opportunity to rub a hot girl's pussy when she was basically asking for it. Looking back on it, I should've told her "oh I'm so sorry, let me make it feel better" and reached down between her thighs and started to gently rub her clit. I'm pretty sure that's what she'd wanted and when I didn't react the way she wanted, that's when she started feeling less turned on around me.
I'd thought about the incident where she'd claimed I'd poked her pussy and how calm and casual she was about it, and the idea that she had wanted it and was turned on by me started making me more turned on by her. I asked her to hang out for a while on a following day in our usual hallway during her music class, asking to go to the washroom when she had some free time in the period. She did so and met me in the hallway where we were alone together. I told her I'd been thinking about her and she really made my dick hard. She told me it was just chemicals and I'd get over it. I told her that she was very sexy and I told her once more that I really wanted to touch her butt. She didn't seem surprised nor disgusted, but refused. I asked her if she'd at least hug me and let me feel her breasts pressing up against me, to which she agreed. I was so turned on I knew I had to take the opportunity to grab her ass.
Shortly after I wrapped my arms around her waist for the hug, I slid my hands down to her butt cheeks and gently squeezed one in each of my hands. She kept her arms gently around me and after a second simply calmly said "stop". After a couple squeezes, I let go. Shortly after that, she said she should get back to class. I told her that she had a really nice ass and it felt really good to touch it, to which she looked at me, smiled, and simply said "thanks, I try" before starting to walk away back to class. As she was approaching the doors to leave the hallway, I told her I was going to go jerk off to her in the washroom right away and she told me to enjoy myself. She got her brother to approach me the next day and tell me not to talk to her anymore, to which I was left speechless. I decided to just leave her alone.
Looking back on it, I should have kept caressing her butt as I gently asked her "Are you sure? I'm pretty sure you're the type to be enjoying this right now. It feels really good for me", but I was an abused and extremely nervous teenager and was terrified she'd start yelling if I didn't promptly stop. It wasn't a very well-founded fear, as she'd been considerably intimate with me on multiple occasions in the past and seemed to be enjoying herself as she wasn't resisting physically at all and seemed very calm; in the worst case, she probably would've just calmly said she was sure and asked politely once more for me to let go or she'd have to yell and I would've done so, having made my desires towards her more clear and also having gotten a better feel in the process. I suppose she figured I was really upset at her for the mixed signals after I promptly let go of her butt like that, and that's why things never ended up going somewhere further with her.
She was a hot friend.
I became friends with her on the second day of high school. I thought she was pretty hot initially. We got along pretty well and hung out almost every day after school, usually with other people and sometimes without.
By the end of high school, she'd let me grope her breasts and grab her ass a few times. Once I randomly asked to touch it and she even lied down and straight up told me to have fun feeling her ass up and I enjoyed giving it a good massage.
She told me once when she sucked another dude off after school, a mutual friend. I could literally smell the cum on her breath when she talked to me after.
When I asked her if she'd do something more for me, she started getting distant and seemed to want me to pursue her, but it didn't feel right to me.
I know some personal stuff about her, but I won't share it here out of respect for her. She was always quite kind and a pretty good friend to me, so I think she deserves that much.
She probably liked me more than I'll ever know.
She was a year younger and she'd sometimes hang out with the friend group I usually hung out with after school. She was extremely cute and sexy to me from the first time I met her. The second most attractive girl in the school in my eyes, right under Chloe.
She was a good friend to me.
I really liked her, both physically and mentally, but I didn't know how to transition from a pleasant friendship with mild-to-moderate sexual tension into a natural-seeming pursuit of a relationship. She came to my birthday party the one year I actually had one when I was in high school, and she even bought me nail polish and mascara, knowing I was trans. She was always really sweet to me.
She was one of the very few people in high school that I actually had a deeper conversation with as well. She was one of the even fewer that initiated it. She asked me to walk with her to the bus stop once and opened up to me that her parents were fighting and she was worried they'd get divorced, asking me how it affected me and if I had any advice. She listened attentively, asked sensitive questions, and was very happy that I was so relaxed and open to her about my feelings. She thanked me after.
I didn't really make any moves on her during the time I was in high school, although I really wanted to. After high school ended though, she had me on Skype, and one day several months after I graduated she actually hit me up and asked me if I could meet her and help her with her laptop. She wanted me to install Photoshop for her.
Of course I said sure because I really missed her and I obviously saw an opportunity to ask her out, although I didn't tell her either of those things and simply acted cool and told her it wasn't a problem. When I met her, it was quite an interesting experience.
We met in a secluded staircase area. We hugged and she gave me her laptop. I got to work and started setting up what she wanted as we talked a little.
As I was sitting down working on her laptop, I saw her gently pacing side to side in front of me. I noticed she was moving her head a little strangely, glancing back to look at me briefly before turning around nearly every time she switched direction, as if looking to catch something quickly. She had a really nice butt and she was giving me a constant view of it, so I couldn't help but look at it as the installer was loading and there wasn't really anything I needed to do on her laptop. Back then, I was really insecure, so I was being really careful not to let her see me looking.
Although I really liked the view, after a while I felt like the whole situation had this really weird sexual tension aspect and I also found it strange that she was walking around like that instead of sitting down and relaxing, so I asked her why she was walking around instead of sitting down and relaxing.
"Walking around must be tiring, isn't it? You don't want to sit down?" I gently asked her, genuinely wanting her to be more comfortable.
"It's okay, I sit all day in class, I want to move around a little," she responded calmly. It seemed genuine.
"Well, this is going to take some time, so you'll be walking around for a while in that case," I said. I actually wanted her to keep walking around, because it meant I got to look at her butt more. I just really didn't want her to feel uncomfortable. I was really stupid back then. I should've flirted with her and let her see me looking, but I was way too insecure for that back then.
"It's okay, I'm fine, take your time," she responded.
She continued walking side to side giving me that constant view of her butt and glancing back quickly often when she changed direction, as if to catch me looking. Being the nervous wreck I was, I continued to be careful not to let her see.
After a little while, I was starting to get really horny. She seemed quite content continuing what she was doing; the situation was really unlike one I'd ever been in before. I felt like she was into me and I figured this was my one shot to ask her out as I may never see her again, so I told myself, "Fuck it I think this girl sexy I'm going to ask her."
As stuff was loading on her laptop, after one of those times she quickly glanced over at me, I took my opportunity.
"Hey, this is kinda random, but do you wanna maybe grab a coffee or see a movie some time?" I managed to get out. I really wasn't sure how she'd react and I felt a really strange combination of nervous and calm that no other girl had ever managed to make me feel at that point in my life.
"Uh... I don't think my boyfriend would like that," she responded with some hesitation. She looked away for a little while, looking shy and disappointed, before she looked back at me again.
"Sorry," she finished, before continuing to walk side to side as she had been.
I was confused because she didn't have a boyfriend while I was in high school, at least not to my knowledge. I asked her about it a little but she didn't want to give me any details. I didn't want to push it so I dropped the topic.
I finished working on her laptop and handed it to her. She opened up Photoshop and messed around a little and everything seemed okay. She smiled at me and thanked me and we talked some more about life. Towards the end of our dialogue, she smiled brightly at me and told me I was really sweet. I told her she had always been sweet to me too. She looked away for a little while, looking embarrassed, before she looked back at me. We hugged once more before I left.
I never saw her again.
I don't know what could've happened between us.
I met her on the second day of high school when I met Jackie, but we never got all that close. I thought she was really attractive from the first time I saw her. Our personalities never clashed, but we didn't really click either.
I thought she was the hottest girl in the school before I met Chloe, and she took the place of third hottest after I met Michelle. I don't think she even knew at all that I found her so sexy; she probably still to this day thinks I thought she was absolutely mediocre and nothing special at all, which I think is quite sad because she seemed really precious to me from the first time I met her.
I thought of trying to ask her out a couple times, but she seemed to be pursued by this other guy for quite some time and they never actually dated but I wasn't really sure what the nature of their relationship was so it didn't feel right.
She'd been kind enough to me in the few interactions we'd had throughout the years in high school, but I wouldn't say she gave me any signals, at least certainly nothing at all obvious. I didn't give her any signals either. She started getting involved in clubs and activities so she started growing distant from the group of friends I originally met her in, and with that, most remaining potential to interact also became distant.
I always thought she was really smart and got straight A's. Towards the end of high school, I had a small conversation with her in the halls one day and I mentioned it. She told me that she actually wasn't that smart and just got alright marks, which was why she actually participated in clubs more to try to make up for it. She was even cuter than I'd thought. When combined with how she'd been single all of high school, learning that made me feel really dumb for thinking I never even had a chance.
Strangely enough, she asked to take a picture with me at prom.
High school ended with me remaining extremely attracted to Chloe. The profile picture with the clear view of her ass, combined with the memory of her bending right over in front of my face, would cause me to end up only more and more aroused by her, ending up touching myself to her pretty much every single day and having multiple orgasms because of her, for many years to come. She very easily far exceeded the desire I ever had for the girl in elementary school, both in raw physical desire, as well as sustained intensity over a prolonged duration.
Even after high school ended, I'd check her Facebook profile from time to time, to see if she'd post more arousing pictures of her, especially her extremely voluptuous ass, and I noticed a period where she even went through dying her hair pink and purple. I'd told her back when I still talked to her in high school that I really wanted to dye my hair pink and purple, and when combined with the relative proximity to me expressing considerable interest in her body, I took it as a sign she was interested in me pursuing her. Regardless, it only left me frustrated, because I wasn't sure at all how she expected me to do so; the result was that I was left thinking about and touching myself to her more and more.
Back in elementary school, I'd touch myself multiple times daily to the girl I was lusting after the whole time I was lusting after her as well, but the reason I was obsessed with her was because I had a very distinct lack of seeing attractive women that suited my tastes, as well as not even knowing what my ideal tastes actually were.
I didn't even know Korean women existed, because there literally wasn't a single Korean person of either sex in my entire elementary school throughout the entire time I was there, until I discovered KPop in grade 9 during my first year of high school when a female friend of mine introduced me to it; that was when I learned that I found Korean women by far the most attractive of all. There also weren't many Asian females in my elementary school in general and even fewer that were pretty attractive, so I didn't even have much to pick from in general in terms of females that suited my tastes that I was exposed to back then.
I finished high school knowing I felt extremely obsessed with Chloe and extremely attracted to and aroused by her, but I figured it must simply be the same kind of experience that I had in elementary school, and that I'd eventually move on from my feelings towards her and find my perfectly voluptuous Korean goddess that I could pursue and hopefully end up in an extremely loving relationship with that would be immensely fulfilling and satisfying and result in an amazing marriage that both of us would be very happy to spend the rest of our lives together in.
Well, since I found Kimi, I was right about finding my perfectly voluptuous Korean goddess, although I still don't know what will become of my relationship with her.
Although high school ended, my relationships with people I'd become friends with while there didn't all end right after. They did gradually fade and I'd eventually stopped talking to anyone I knew from high school within about one or two years, but I still had one really noteworthy experience after high school had ended, and it involved two women I'd lusted after in high school at the same time.
The crazy part is I hadn't even planned it that way; these two girls took it upon themselves to make it happen. I wasn't expecting it at all. I was actually quite shocked when it happened.
The first girl involved is named Kathy. Not the same girl from elementary. We'd been friends for years in high school. She was a part of a group of girls that I hung out with regularly, usually during lunch. She wanted to date me a lot more badly than I could ever tell.
We always had a weird kind of chemistry I'd never had with any other girl. I had feelings for her and sometimes I'd think she had feelings for me too, although we didn't end up admitting such a thing to each other and dating at any point in high school. We talked about K-Pop and K-Dramas, and I even went to her birthday party once when we'd gotten closer. She'd regularly grab my chest with her wet hands after washing her hands in the washroom, playfully teasing me that she was having fun leaving wet marks on my shirt. Obviously I found it strange and I didn't want my shirt getting wet nor did I want her randomly feeling me up like that, so I got upset and told her to stop.
After the second time she did it, I told her if she continued, I'd start groping her breasts every time in return, so she'd better stop if she didn't want that. She still continued. I followed through on what I'd said and grabbed her breasts in return every time after that. She'd always be smiling and giggling and messing around when she touched me, pretending to try to run away and be scared of me touching her, but giggling as I went after her and even as I actually grabbed and gently squeezed her breasts. At one point, she literally even told me she wanted to be in a room alone with me and take her clothes off and start making out.
Despite everything, she always made all her flirting seem like such a joke that I wasn't sure if she just had a really weird sense of humor or if she was really into me. She'd even go as far as to joke about what kind of children we'd have. I ended up still talking to her sometimes, even as high school ended.
The second girl involved is named Gracia. She was from Korea and had a cute Korean accent. We were acquaintances much more than I could ever call us friends; I'd only had a couple brief interactions with her in the past, and limited interaction with her friend group as well. I always thought she was really attractive, but our friend groups had literally no overlap and I had no way to smoothly approach building a connection with her without very clearly hitting on her. She ended up way more interested in me than I ever imagined she would be, and I really liked her too, but nothing really ended up happening between us.
She immediately stood out a lot to me the moment I noticed her. She was literally the only Korean girl in my entire grade, in fact the whole school as far as I was aware. She had a really cute Korean accent and I thought she also had a really nice body. She was actually the girl I asked to be my prom date.
I thought I was being kind of awkward and weird, but she made me feel a lot more comfortable about it than I thought she would. I had a class with her in grade 12 second semester. I don't remember exactly what I said, but I managed to smoothly open a dialogue in a conversation with her towards the end of class one day as prom approached and walked with her to her locker as we talked. She opened her locker, put some stuff inside, and closed it. It was the last class for the day so she was getting ready to go home.
As she was putting the lock back on her locker, I finally stopped messing around.
"Hey, do you have a date for prom?", I finally asked her.
"No", she said simply. She didn't seem particularly bothered by it, but she suddenly started looking me in the eyes with an intensity I hadn't seen from her before.
"Me neither. Can you be my prom date?" I asked boldly. I was returning her gaze, looking her straight in the eyes.
She seemed almost taken by surprise. She immediately smiled and looked away shyly for a moment. She returned her gaze back into my eyes before speaking, a smile still on her face. She spoke visibly flustered.
"Oh... wow... but as friends right?" She managed to get out. It was really cute.
"Of course," I assured her, "We're obviously not dating right now, so we're just friends. I don't expect anything crazy. I just think you're really cute so I wanted to ask you. I'm not interested in asking anyone else, so if you don't want to, I'll just forget about it." I comforted her. I didn't know what to expect, and I was doing it more because I simply didn't want to regret not even trying as opposed to thinking I'd be at all successful, although I did really want her to say yes.
She started blushing. She looked away for a moment once again before looking at me again and speaking, still flustered. She was acting a lot cuter than I thought she would by this random approach of mine.
"Ah... as friends... of course! Yes, of course! Thank you!" I was actually really surprised. I thought I was about to get rejected. I was feeling stupid for even trying. She had a huge smile on her face.
She seemed really happy and was suddenly acting more shy than she had been while I was casually talking with her beforehand.
"Great! I should be the one thanking you, I didn't think you'd even say yes! I'm happy. I'll see you around, okay?" I said, relieved to finally have gotten it over with. I was really happy she'd said yes. I felt like it really didn't mean much and wouldn't go anywhere, but I felt like a boss because I'd just randomly approached a girl I'd silently thought was really cute for quite some time and just like that, even despite hardly having communicated with each other in the past, she agreed to be my prom date.
When prom came, I wanted to be very mindful of the nature of my connection with Gracia, so I really didn't expect much. I came with a flower for her. I approached her at her table with her friends, greeted her, and handed her the flower before I left for my table with my friends. I heard a collective "oooh" from all her friends at the table as I gave her the flower and a bunch of murmuring as I was heading to my table. She started blushing as she accepted it and looked shy, flustered by my actions once again. It was cute. I felt shy after I saw how all her friends looked at me with surprise and expectation when I handed her the flower, so I didn't bother her after that.
A few days after prom, Gracia's sister added me on Facebook; I recognized her because she had a resemblance and also had the same last name. She also started talking to me shortly after I added her and told me she was Gracia's sister. She told me that she hoped me and Gracia would become closer. I was surprised yet again; I can't imagine her sister randomly doing that unless Gracia had talked about me to her and expressed desire to become closer with me. I still felt shy about what to say and do to become closer with Gracia, and despite my desires, high school ended without me taking things any further with her.
The really interesting part was not only that I ended up seeing Gracia again, but also how it ended up happening.
A few of my friends from high school went to a university a few hour drive away from where I lived at the time; a few months after university had started, they wanted to hang out. Gracia went to that same university as well, although I didn't know that. It just so happened that Kathy also went there, and when I mentioned to her that my friends wanted to hang out, she told me I could stay in her room with her. I was quite surprised; I knew we were friendly, but I didn't think she felt that comfortable with me to want to be alone in her room with me. Still, it seemed exciting to have the experience, and I wanted to hang out with my other friends too, so I told her I'd make sure I could go and get back to her.
I had to get an uncle to drive me there, because my mother didn't want to do it since it was too far. My friends wanted to hang out at night, but my uncle didn't want to drive in the dark, so I had to head over there early. Kathy was fine with it. She told me exactly the address and building to look for and then I told her I was on my way.
The drive was long as expected, but finding the place wasn't that hard. I met up with Kathy and we talked and hung out for a while. She showed me her room. I noticed there was another bed there and asked her what her roommate was like. She told me that she was the type that partied a lot, and even mentioned that she'd get frustrated because the girl would bring her boyfriend in the room and have sex at night and the moaning and noises made it hard to sleep.
After a while with me and her alone in the room together, Kathy surprised me suddenly.
"I'm gonna invite Gracia to come over now," she said nonchalantly as if it was nothing.
"What? Gracia goes here? Why would you call her to your room?!" I was completely caught off-guard. I thought she was messing with me.
"We're friends. We talk about K-Pop and K-Dramas and stuff. We visit each other's rooms all the time," she said as she picked up her phone and called Gracia, telling her to come over.
She didn't even mention I was going to be there, and this was the first time I was hearing about this myself. I was shook. I felt really nervous.
Gracia arrived. She didn't seem as surprised as I thought upon seeing me. We awkwardly greeted each other. She seemed shy. The sexual tension was too real; I'd never felt it so strongly like that before. A lot was going through my mind.
We all talked with each other for a while. I really wanted to make some kind of move on Gracia, but the combination of being caught off guard, knowing we had considerable distance between us, and knowing that as great as I thought she was, she wasn't my dream girl, made me hold myself back.
Even before I knew Kimi existed, I held back on an amazing girl I really liked and that seemed to really like me back, because she wasn't Kimi.
Gracia eventually left and me and Kathy were alone together once again.
I was so shaken. I knew I'd think about what had happened quite a bit. The time to hang out with my friends came and we chilled. I spent hours talking with Kathy that night after; really random stuff too, I just couldn't sleep and she seemed okay with talking so it just kept going.
Eventually, I fell asleep. The next day, my uncle picked me up and I went home.
After giving her that rose at prom, I never really talked to Gracia again for the rest of high school. On top of contacting me on Facebook, Gracia's sister approached me in real life too, but I was just kinda left wondering why Gracia herself didn't try talking to me, if she really wanted me to know that badly that she likes me. Something about it just came off somehow fake and disingenuous. I'd already made it clear to Gracia that I had feelings for her, so why wasn't she willing to clearly reciprocate that if she was going to express feelings at all? I just didn't know how to feel about her super indirect approach with getting her sister to show me she has feelings for me, and I knew I felt way too guilty about how I was already so obsessed with Chloe that I was profusely masturbating to her multiple times daily anyways.
It's not like I'd be able to keep that a secret from Gracia forever, and how would she feel after she found out? Probably devastated and super betrayed. I masturbated to Gracia more than most girls in my high school; she had a pretty cute face, really nice breasts, and a really nice butt. Slender waist, but definitely really voluptuous in the right places to my liking. I thought she was easily the second prettiest girl in the school, right under Chloe. But ultimately, even that was rather insignificant compared to how much I masturbated to Chloe. Even though Gracia was super my type in a lot of ways, I didn't like her THAT much that I could ever see her satisfying me in ways that Chloe couldn't; her personality wasn't passionate enough and her body wasn't perfect enough.
I have REALLY high standards. Gracia came pretty damn close to meeting them, but she wasn't quite there. So I didn't want to do that to her and ultimately undoubtedly break her heart and hurt her extremely deeply. This woman seemed like she took my affection for her so seriously that she wanted to marry me and lose her virginity to me, which was frighteningly serious to me for someone that wasn't quite the perfectly voluptuous Korean goddess of my wildest fantasies. Plus, I knew I never wanted kids, and she probably was dying to have kids with me, which would definitely cause tension and conflict and probably ultimately fuck up our relationship anyways and leave her traumatized and extremely hurt if I pursued her.
I saw no way I could communicate my feelings properly to her without hurting her a lot in different ways. So I intentionally stayed distant, even though I liked her A LOT. She CERTAINLY didn't seem like a sadistic piece of shit like Chloe, so her personality was INFINITELY more attractive to me than Chloe's already. She just wasn't perfect.
Holy fuck man, when I met her again after high school that one time, the sexual tension was INSTANTLY UNREAL. She looked at me super shyly, she was blushing, she had this sultry kind of look in her eyes when she looked me in the eyes... I could FEEL that this woman was RIDICULOUSLY turned on by me. Like she wanted to fucking jump on me right there and have sex with me in front of Kathy. She wasn't as bold about it as she needed to be to actually get to do anything with me, but I CERTAINLY knew she wanted it, and it made me quite horny and increasingly conflicted about my feelings towards her. I knew why I'd stayed distant from her, and my obsession with Chloe was still strong as ever, so those reasons hadn't changed.
Ultimately, I was friendly with her, and the three of us talked for a while, but once it became clear to both of them that I wasn't going to make any moves on Gracia and I wasn't trying to be cruel and pursue Kathy in front of Gracia, she started understanding that I liked her but was uncomfortable and truly hadn't expected to see her. She clearly wasn't willing to boldly admit feelings for me and desire to pursue them, so she kindly left. Huge sigh of relief from me.
What a scary situation. If she'd been any more aggressive, I don't think I would've been able to control myself. She was always really hot to me, and seeing she liked me as much as she did turned me on a lot. But again, I knew she wasn't my dream goddess, so I'd probably just end up hurting her really badly if I ever pursued anything with her.
In contrast, the MOMENT I first saw Kimi, I felt something I'd never felt before. She was so gorgeous and looked so perfect to my liking that it hurt. Badly. I immediately felt heartbroken that I felt like there's no chance such a gorgeous woman would ever want me, and the distance between us only broke my heart more. On top of that, even after watching for just a little while, I could tell Kimi was charismatic and appeared to have an extremely hot (at least to me) personality too. I knew I'd have to see her butt to be absolutely certain, but I already felt so convinced she was the perfectly voluptuous Korean goddess of my wildest fantasies that I had been dreaming of ever since early grade 9, before I even knew Chloe existed, and still wanted even after finding out Chloe exists.
And then the rest... Well, she already knows the rest.
Chloe is the woman I never knew I wanted, but once I figured out she exists, I never stopped wanting her. But Kimi is the woman I've always dreamed of, in every single way, to the point it's absolutely not even slightly an exaggeration when I call her the perfectly voluptuous goddess of my wildest fantasies. I've been dreaming of her for even longer than I've been masturbating to Chloe. Perhaps it seems like it's some stupidly transparent lie when I'm so aroused by Chloe yet claim I prefer Korean women, but I truly do prefer Korean women!
I know it's hard to believe... But it's true! I swear on my life! Look, Chloe ended up getting SO jealous that I like Korean women the most, that she ended up at one point (you'll notice her hair is also dyed pink here) taking a picture of her with a shirt on that says "So salty" in English, with Korean underneath. I've never seen her in any kind of Korean clothing before that or ever since; to my knowledge and what I've seen, she's always been much more into Japanese culture and anime and shit.