Love makes the world go round, or so some say.
I can't say I disagree, but especially from my personal experience, I've found that's certainly not the whole picture.
It had been 22 years into my life and I had no clue what love really was; I had this notion of feeling close to someone and caring about them a lot, but had never had the opportunity to really experience it.
All I really knew was that I was exclusively interested in women, but I had never had a girlfriend. Not because I never had any opportunities, but because I never felt like I could see myself spending my life with any women that I could've entered into a relationship with up to that point and I always had the mentality that I wanted to take any relationship I would enter into very seriously.
I'd recently become a Permanent Chief of the Shadow Confederation, something I hadn't been actively specifically working to achieve, but rather an interesting byproduct of an intense period of several months of deep reflection on the nature of life and what could possibly be perceived as my purpose in being on this planet I'd grown to hate so much already at that point.
I've enjoyed playing games from a young age, to the point I thought about combining my coding skills and love for games to become a game developer, even when my skills were far from sufficient to even attempt to scratch the surface of that endeavor. As such, I discovered the world of live streaming and Twitch quite early on in its development. Since it was a place for people who enjoyed playing games to broadcast themselves doing so, combined with the fact that I didn't care for the typical methods of finding love, I decided that I'd look for a girl to invest myself into on Twitch.
Yeah, I know, it's not a dating site. So what.
I found several girls on the platform. Some of them had a webcam, others didn't. I never looked for girls that were trashy. These days, the Twitch scene is considerably more saturated and there are a lot of more trashy women on the platform. When I was looking through it years ago, however, I never encountered even one really trashy streamer girl. Some of them weren't horrible but still gave off a kind of trashy vibe, and those ones I'd never even talk to and leave their stream rather quickly. After looking through the platform and being around, seeing many streamers, both males I found entertaining to watch as well as females that I either simply found entertaining to watch or possibly also had some romantic interest in, I had established a group of women who's streams I checked up on and watched often.
Of all of those women, there was one that stood out the most by far. Her beauty and charm struck me as unlike any other woman I'd ever seen. From the first time I saw her, I already felt certain that she could never be matched by any other woman in the world. Her name is Kimi Park.
At the time I first came across her stream, I followed her but I felt like she was so out of my league that I couldn't even muster the courage to talk in her chat. This was well before my core value became refined pure bidirectional apprehension and I became a Permanent Chief of the Shadow Confederation, so I was still a horrible mess emotionally. Extremely paranoid, depressed, a complete nervous wreck, and extremely angry with a pretty solid grasp on controlling it but still not a very good understanding of it or its potential.
I continued to follow her and refrain from any interaction, but gradually, seeing all the cool people on Twitch growing and becoming more and more successful pushed at my own drive for success that was already high even further. I became more and more focused on my own goals, which combined with my already high drive for success coming out of high school, drove me into becoming extremely hardcore on working on game development, which was what I decided at the time must've been my calling in life.
After doing game development for a couple years, I ended up homeless. After that drove me to do a lot of reflection and learn many things, I gained a lot of knowledge and confidence and I felt a lot more competent to interact with Kimi. I started talking in her stream and was quite open and honest right from the beginning. She clearly noticed me and it always felt better to be talking to her than it ever felt to talk to anyone else in my entire life by far, even though it was through a text chat on her screen through the internet.
At that point, I'd already mentioned my philopsychology knowledge to some other streamers, but all of them seemed more or less put off by it; they all seemed either uninterested because thinking with depth wasn't something they enjoyed doing, or because they were frightened at what they might discover given that it's understandably at least a little alarming to most people when you encounter someone who openly claims to be part of the Illuminati. I was very pleasantly surprised to see that Kimi actually took a particular interest in understanding her personality when people mentioned she had a strong personality, and when I offered an explanation, she took very visible interest.
Not very long after I started talking in her stream chat and actually communicating with her, I decided to subscribe to her. Little did I know that this would be the action that would solidify the beginning of the most meaningful relationship I've ever had in my life.
Shortly after I subscribed to Kimi, she decided to plan a visit to Toronto, the place I'd already told her was where I lived, within a few weeks. I was shocked, because shortly before I'd entered her community, I noticed some tweets she'd made about a very recent visit to Toronto she'd already made, which I'd missed, and I thought there was no possibility I'd get to meet her in person any time soon, if ever.
The meetup was exclusive to subscribers.
Mind you, she was coming with her friend Jaime and not alone, but even the first time she'd come to Toronto, she'd actually come with Jaime as well as another of her really good friends Leslie, so it couldn't even be argued that she was coming simply to accompany Jaime on her first visit to the city.
I was more excited than I'd ever been in my life.
Kimi was basically coming to visit Toronto just to meet me. I hardly knew the woman and she was already acting so much like the woman of my wildest fantasies that I was almost unsure what to even do. I was really nervous, and in a very real way, I didn't even feel ready to meet her. My appearance was really scuffed, as it's always been my entire life, and mentally I was just starting to get over the state of severe anxiety that accompanied my previous circumstances as a victim of a combination of several seriously unfortunate circumstances who had only managed to achieve a core value of warm indirect bidirectional apprehension, which had left me perpetually a massive nervous wreck for a very long time.
Although I was worried about how it might turn out, I absolutely knew I had to go to that meetup or I'd severely regret it for the rest of my life.
I already felt more drawn to her personality than I'd ever felt drawn to anyone ever before. I hadn't seen her entire body yet at that point, so I didn't know she was actually the most perfectly voluptuous goddess that I could ever lay my eyes upon, but I knew it was certainly possible. Even the possibility that the perfectly voluptuous goddess of my wildest fantasies could be eagerly seeking out a meeting with me upon just starting to interact with me on any kind of regular basis was enough to make me absolutely convinced that I had to see for myself if my dreams could come true.
Well, I couldn't be happier to say that they absolutely did.
The meeting itself has become the happiest memory of my life up to this point, although it was quite interesting and strange, and certainly not what I expected from it, nor from a memory that so easily immediately became the happiest memory of my life right after experiencing it. Kimi and Jaime were about an hour late from the time they were supposed to arrive, and they didn't give us any updates on what was going on, so we all had to converse among ourselves while we were waiting to see if they'd even show up at all.
As I was starting to seriously wonder to myself if they'd even show up, suddenly, I saw Kimi show up from around the corner walking towards the doors to get into the mall. She was already looking at me the moment I noticed her approaching from behind the doors, and as she entered them, she walked right up to me without breaking eye contact.
"You're a new face! I haven't seen you before!" she said, then proceeded to give me the best hug I've ever received in my life to this day.
After Kimi and Jaime finished greeting everyone else, I knew the first thing I had to say to both of them.
"You Jebaited me! And you Jebaited me!" I said as I pointed to Kimi and Jaime individually.
They both looked at me confused. I proceeded to tell them that they'd been an hour late and we'd all been waiting so long for them, to which they laughed, and the meetup continued pleasantly. That was the last thing I said to Kimi for more than an hour.
Shortly after they arrived, Kimi and Jaime told us it was time to go eat food, and we headed to the place they wanted to eat at. We were a group of more than 15 people and the place was actually quite busy, so it took quite some time before there was a big enough table free for us to have a spot to sit at. We waited right outside the establishment the whole time, and we took the opportunity to talk to each other.
There quickly formed three groups.
There was a circle of which Kimi was a part, a slightly smaller circle of which Jaime was a part, and a group of a few people that were just chilling and waiting to start eating that didn't really feel like being part of either circle and just talked among themselves. People moved around a little, but for the most part, this was how we hung out while we waited to be able to sit and eat.
Somehow, I'm not sure exactly why or how, I ended up in the circle with Jaime. I found her very easy to talk to and I was having a pleasant time in that circle, and I also felt weird about randomly turning around and leaving for Kimi's circle, so while I really wanted to talk to Kimi extremely badly, I just wasn't sure how to go about doing so in a way that felt natural and right, so I decided not to try too hard to fight it and I resigned myself to having fun in Jaime's circle.
Jaime was very warm and positively receptive to my presence and interaction with her and we had very pleasant conversation. I was never romantically interested in Jaime, so I wasn't enjoying myself like that, but she seemed like a very nice person and a good friend. I felt a lot more comfortable than I thought I would. At the time, I figured she was just being nice, and I myself was certainly just being nice, but I think it was Jaime's immense warmth, receptiveness, and how easy and pleasant it was to talk to her that made me ultimately decide to just stay in that circle the whole time.
I was, so to say, quite a spectacle.
I was definitely loud and certainly noticed I was grabbing pretty much everyone's attention at one point or another with my very outgoing and warm demeanor. I could tell that some people were quite surprised to see me as lively and outgoing in person as I was, when they probably expected someone who must've came off as a really edgy and intellectual person to be considerably more reserved in person. The attention was a little uncomfortable, but mostly it was a new experience and quite fun, so I enjoyed it considerably and tried my best to soak in the moment.
I turned around and glanced at Kimi a couple times in between talking in Jaime's circle and at times I noticed her standing aside with individual people. I was so jealous. I wanted to take Kimi aside and have 1-on-1 conversation with her like that so badly. I felt like I was going crazy, but I knew I had to play it cool and not seem obsessed, so I casually turned back around and continued to engage in conversation in Jaime's circle.
At one point, not very long before a table large enough was cleared for us to go in and start eating, Kimi, Jaime, and their friend Carrie all went to the washroom together. Needless to say, I knew that they didn't go just to pee, and they certainly must've talked about me.
The time to go into the restaurant to sit down at our table and eat finally arrived. As we walked into the restaurant, Kimi walked beside me.
"Hey! I saw you go to the washroom with your friends earlier. I feel left out! What did you talk about?" I said to her excitedly. It was the first thing I'd said to her since the very beginning of the meetup.
"Oh, we just talked about how you need to tone it down," she told me with an expression I recognized as a smile she was trying to hide with a more serious expression.
"Oh, so I should tone it up then?" I responded and laughed. She wasn't fooling me, she was loving it.
"No..." she said, that distinct expression with a smile attempted to be hidden by a more serious expression starting to reveal the smile more.
I knew it.
When we got to our table, I noticed Kimi and Jaime stood back, beside each other, and waited for something. It was a little weird, but I didn't think much of it. I sat down at the table.
Instantly, Kimi started moving. She walked right up to the chair in front of me and sat down, staring me in the eyes intensely and looking at me expectantly. Jaime took the seat to her right and Carrie the seat to her left. I looked Kimi in the eyes. I was quite surprised by her intensity, so I wasn't sure what to say. I still hardly really knew her at the time, and that much interest being expressed by the woman I found the most dreamy of all in the entire world was quite intimidating to me in the moment.
After we made eye contact for a little while, the intensity became too much for me to handle. I broke eye contact and turned to my left to talk to the friend I'd made right before the meetup, who had mentioned in the meetup Discord channel that he'd arrive in Toronto early and was wondering if anyone wanted to hang out before the meetup, to which I agreed. Shortly after I broke eye contact, Kimi also stopped looking at me and turned to talk to other people.
After a little while, the waitress came and we all ordered our food. I was hungry, so I was mostly just chilling and saying a few words here and there to people around me while I waited for my food.
Eventually, I actually started talking to Kimi. I mean, she intentionally sat right in front of me, so what do you expect?
I brought up core values. I wanted to have a deeper conversation with Kimi instead of a shallow one.
"So you told me on stream you value morals the most, right?" I asked her.
"Well actually..." she was about to change her answer and I knew it.
"Oh, you can't change your answer now, you said morals, I have it clipped!" I interrupted.
She didn't say anything and just looked at me.
"Okay, well that's only one part. The other part is mindset stability. Do you believe you have the ability to act upon desire independent of conscious or subconscious necessitation?" I asked.
She continued to look at me and just smiled cutely, saying nothing. As I looked her in the eyes, everything around us seemed to fade for a moment and she was the only thing I saw. It was the craziest feeling I'd ever felt. Amazing but very scary at the same time. After a little while, I realized she wasn't going to share an answer.
I turned to Jaime.
"You told me on stream that you value the energy around you the most, right?" I asked her.
"Yeah..." she replied. It was clear she didn't know what to expect.
"What about you? What do you think?" I asked her.
"Can you repeat the question?" she said with a little giggle.
"Sure. Do you believe you have the ability to act upon desire independent of conscious or subconscious necessitation?" I repeated.
"Hmm... No," she said after thinking for a moment.
"Okay," I told her. I turned back to Kimi.
"If you value morals the most, that means your core value is cold bidirectional apprehension. It's the third strongest, below warm bidirectional apprehension. Now, this is just a nuance, so don't take it personally, but from a technical perspective, it means you tend to value yourself more than others," I told her.
Her expression turned angry. She was clearly upset. I felt bad, but I also knew that if she'd given that answer on stream, that was the answer she felt was actually the best. I wanted to give her an evaluation based on what she thought was the best, not based on some answer she'd tried to think over in her head might be a better one. That was my line of thinking with that, anyway.
I turned to Jaime.
"Energy would put you at warm bidirectional apprehension. It's the second strongest, right under pure bidirectional apprehension, which is the one I have. It means you tend to value others more than you value yourself," I told her.
"Wow... That's so true! I always put other people before me!" she told me as her face lit up.
"As for mindset stability," I continued, "Your answer seems to indicate grounded mindset stability. Most people are at the ungrounded level, so your mentality is considerably stronger than average in that way too," I told her. She started blushing a little and put her hands on her cheeks.
"Oh my God, flatter me more!" she said with a big smile. It came off flirty. I laughed and continued eating.
I'd somehow managed to upset the girl I really liked and make the girl I only saw as a friend want to flirt with me.
Well, it doesn't get worse than that, right?
After I finished chewing another bite of my food, I turned my attention back to Kimi.
"What if I told you I've broken a lot of girls' hearts?" I asked her jokingly.
She looked me in the eyes with a very serious expression.
"I'd believe you," she said, genuinely seeming hurt.
I was instantly shook. I thought it was obvious I wasn't capable of being that way, but she actually liked me so much and thought so highly of me that she had no trouble believing it was possible. Now I just came off like a massive douchebag trying to rub it in that I'd broken her heart.
"What if I told you I've never been in a relationship in my life?" I followed up with. I'd actually made it worse. Oh my God.
"I'd believe you," she said, a very serious expression still on her face.
That was when I knew this girl was really something else.
"What? Come on! You can't believe both! Which one do you actually think is true? You'll just believe whatever I tell you?" I challenged her. What kind of a position was that? She believes both?
"Whatever you say, that's how you're choosing to present yourself, so I'll believe you," she responded. She really was something else. Her attitude was surprisingly very sexy.
"Wow... No way," I told her as I turned to Jaime, "Jaime, what would you do if I told you those things?"
She looked me in the eyes a little shyly, "I'd ask you which one is true," she told me. I looked back to Kimi.
"See, that's what you're supposed to do. You can't just say you believe whatever! Okay, just so you know, the truth is that I've never been in a relationship," I continued. It was the truth.
Kimi was silent. She looked upset and hurt. I felt awful.
I stopped talking for a while and ate my food. After a period of silence, I looked back at Kimi.
"Hey Kimi," I said to her. She looked at me with a serious expression.
"After all this, what do you think of me?" I asked her. I was dreaming she'd somehow say something nice, but I knew I'd made her upset. I wanted to give her an opportunity to be honest and hopefully see if I could make things better.
"Well, I think you're being really inconsiderate. There are so many people here that want to talk to me and you're talking to me so much," was what she told me.
Yep, she was definitely hurt. Fuck.
"Oh... Well, I just wanted to try to teach you a little about core values. You can talk to anyone else you want now," I said. I broke eye contact and stared out the window as I took a bite out of my hamburger. I felt really bad. I liked her so much and she thought I hated her. This was probably why I never had a girlfriend, I thought to myself. I saw her in my peripheral vision.
She looked embarrassed and seemed flustered. She blushed and started looking down at the table. She took out her phone and started messing around on it. After a while, she finally felt comfortable enough to start talking to the girls beside her once again a little bit, but then she went back on her phone.
I could see she was uncomfortable and felt pretty embarrassed. She was sitting in front of me after all, and things had gotten pretty tense between us pretty quickly. This all happened within a few short minutes. I tried to make things better.
"Hey Kimi," I tried talking to her again. Her face lit up as she took her gaze off her phone and looked up at me. She gave me these puppy dog eyes and all I could think of was how her expression was telling me, "Wow... You're talking to me! You're so calm and talking to me! Please be nice... I don't hate you..."
"Is everything okay?" I asked her. I was genuinely concerned. She looked like she felt pretty bad about lashing out at me like that.
She nodded, "Yeah," she told me. She looked more comfortable again. I felt a little better.
The rest of the meal went fine. Kimi seemed happier and Jaime was happily talking away to other people. At least I'd managed not to make them hate me. That was good.
After the meal, we watched a movie. Kimi no Na wa. The story ended really frustratingly, but I guess the movie was alright overall.
After the movie was over, Jaime started crying. I felt like hugging her and comforting her, but given the situation, I felt that might've given off the vibe that I was into her and I didn't want to do that. Besides, this was our first time meeting and we didn't even know each other all that well beforehand either; it seemed kind of socially inept to be comforting her like that as she's crying when she hardly knows me. She went to the washroom until she stopped crying. Once she got out, I asked her if she was okay, and she said she was. We all walked outside.
Some people left early, but the people remaining gathered in a circle. Kimi went one by one and hugged everyone. When she reached me, she looked me in the eyes with a bittersweet expression before she went in for a hug. After we let go of each other, we made eye contact once again and she had the same bittersweet expression on her face. My heart was melting.
"I'll never forget you," she told me. I was shook once again. I knew that was how I felt about her, but I didn't think it was appropriate to randomly say it to her.
"I'll never forget you either," I responded. I meant it. She looked at me for a moment longer before moving on to the next person.
After she finished hugging everyone, before she left, I raised my hand and pointed at her.
"You," I declared. She looked at me curiously.
"Can I talk to you alone for a moment please?" I continued. There was something I really wanted to tell her.
"Sure. Come with me," she responded. Nice, I had my opportunity. We walked away from the group.
"Hey, so uh..." I said a little nervously. She was looking me in the eyes expectantly. The moment felt warm. I knew I was going to miss her so much.
"I know I said before about your core value not being as strong and stuff..." I continued, still kind of nervous.
"Oh, I don't care about what's stronger," she told me.
"That's not my point. I just wanted to tell you that it doesn't matter how strong it is. I think your personality is very attractive. I just really wanted you to know that," I told her. I genuinely meant it. I'd enjoyed interacting with her so much. She was so cute and her personality was the most attractive I'd ever encountered. Her body was extremely sexy too, but I felt it was kind of weird to tell her that after the way our interaction had ended up.
"Oh, stop it..." she said in a tone surprisingly flirty. She gently brushed her hand against my arm.
"I mean it. Seriously. Thanks for meeting me, I'll see you on stream," I said as I nervously started walking away. I saw her smiling as she started walking back towards the group.
The meetup ended. Everyone started leaving. I saw Kimi turning the corner towards the subway with some random dude that hadn't even been at the meetup. I was confused, but I wasn't about to go following her.
I was taking the subway and I wasn't the only one from the meetup doing so. We all went down to the waiting platform together. There were two people on the other side of the subway line, a man and a woman with the woman facing her back to us.
"Hey, is that Kimi? I think it's Kimi," someone from the meetup said.
I looked at the woman. The clothes, hair, and butt seemed to add up. I immediately felt really jealous at the dude. It seemed pretty obvious what they were going to do that night.
The subway I was waiting for arrived and the group got on. I took my last look at Kimi in person as it started moving away.
Right as the doors to the subway closed and I started my trip back home, I knew I'd never feel the same again. I'd never felt something like it. I'd just met this woman once, hardly talked to her, didn't even really spend a moment alone with her, and yet I was already absolutely certain I'd never forget her and I felt more attracted to her than I'd ever felt to anyone else in my entire life.
I already knew I wanted to marry her.
Just like that, I knew that meetup had become by far the best memory of my entire life. I knew that how miserable my life had been up to that point must've played a significant part in me seeing it that way, but I also knew that my misery had nothing to do with how pretty and charming I found Kimi to be. By the time I'd transferred from the subway to the bus and then got off the bus and was walking home, I already couldn't stop thinking about the warm feelings I had towards Kimi that were incomparable to anything else I'd ever felt. I knew very clearly I'd fallen completely in love with her.
I decided to tell her as soon as I got home. I hadn't seriously told a girl I love her since the one girl I was obsessed with in elementary school, and I thought back to it for a moment and remembered far too clearly how she'd ruthlessly abused my affection for attention from her peers and to cause drama, then had left me with the clear impression we weren't even friends and she never really loved me at all, after never even very clearly showing me affection in the first place, and giving me all kinds of trouble.
That absolute mess had lasted four long years and I told myself I'd never let it happen again. At the same time, I knew Kimi was once in a lifetime, and I already knew even back then that she was by far the most attractive woman I'd ever seen in my entire life, so when combined with how she'd basically flirted with me every time we interacted in that meetup, I knew I'd regret it forever if I didn't give things my best shot with her.
I got myself 2 large coffees on the way home; I knew I wasn't going to sleep that night. When I got home, I hopped straight onto my computer and tweeted to Kimi that I love her. I mentioned it in the Discord channel in Jaime's server that was created for the meetup. I messaged Kimi on Snapchat with a picture of it to make sure she knew.
"??? LOL" was her exact initial response.
It hurt, but I knew that it only made sense; after all, our interaction in person was quite strange, and she probably figured that I would've told her in person when I had the chance if I was serious, instead of being so distant. In a way, I wished I'd told her in person, but somehow there was just never a moment in that meeting where it felt right to say it.
When combined with how much of an idiot I would've felt like if I'd told her in person, undoubtedly got shot down literally instantly, and then end up seeing her leave with some random guy to have a one night stand the way I had, I figured it was actually a lot more meaningful to be saying it afterwards and regardless of having seen that, even if it wasn't in person. I tried to get to meet her in person the next day, which I knew she'd still be in Toronto for, but unsurprisingly she didn't go for it.
I knew I couldn't give up so easily. This was an extremely desirable woman, and I knew that she must know it and not be willing to date someone so easily. I messaged her via Discord DMs to try again. She shot me down again, even harder and more clearly, and it hurt even more.
Somehow though, something about it felt off. It felt very different from that girl in elementary school; Kimi came off like she actually was interested in me, but simply didn't think I'd ever try hard enough for it to make sense for her to actually date me. She was being way sweeter in rejecting me than I expected, and so I decided that I wasn't going to give up.
The day after I first talked to Kimi in Discord DMs to tell her I love her, for the very first time, she had an entire 4 hour stream where she just sat down and talked about stuff. Not just any stuff either; it had to do with dating and relationships. It was very unusual for her content. I tried talking to her about it in Discord DMs the next day, but she denied it was because of me, and instead said that it was because her best friend, Leslie, had been talking on stream that she decided to do it.
Yeah, as if Leslie wasn't talking on stream because Kimi went and talked to her about what I'd said right after our previous conversation had ended. It was pretty transparent to me, so I didn't push her to admit it.
From the beginning when I started talking to Kimi, I expressed my feelings towards her. I'd already started writing her walls of text by the second message I ever sent her, the same one that had prompted those initial hours of chatting on stream. I thought she'd ignore me or tell me I was being weird and needed to calm down or something, but she was always surprisingly warm and responsive to me. I was very surprised when she responded to me opening up to her about having quickly deepening feelings for her by opening up to me about her own personal experience with a bad relationship she still hadn't gotten over and telling me personal things.
I really wanted to believe it, but for some time I thought she'd lied to me just to have an excuse not to accept my advances. Her vague responses to what she was looking for in a partner left me thinking she was just being very nice about wanting me to calm down and back off. It really hurt, but I knew she was right when she told me that you can't force love and it has to be a mutual feeling. I knew I didn't want to force something on her she really didn't want, so I didn't even question her about the authenticity of such a person existing that had broken her heart in the past.
Much later, I came to learn that it was indeed real because I managed to learn who it had been, which only added another layer of depth to a connection that was already so deep at that point. Luckily, in the end it doesn't seem it's going to be an issue. Anyways, back to the story.
Throughout the next almost year, I'd attend literally every single stream Kimi ever had and I'd try to be as active and lively in her stream chat as possible. I had a lot of fun and she'd often notice my messages. I kept DMing her on Discord too and she'd always respond somehow. She was in a very real way distant, but the fact that she was even responsive at all was very pleasantly surprising to me. It was never a short dismissive answer either; I could see she always cared about what I was saying and how she was responding.
Talking to her always made me really happy. Nothing could compare. I gradually became more and more drawn to her.
Eventually, our connection started to feel increasingly serious, but I was also getting increasingly mixed signals from her. Towards the end of that year, Kimi did "sub speed dating" for the first time. It felt way too weird to me for me to participate, but I tried talking to her about it after in DMs and told her that I think we should talk.
She said that she didn't think we need to talk at all and that she was happy being distant friends because that's all she ever wanted to be with me.
I sent her a couple final messages.
I told her that if she meant what she told me, I couldn't remain a part of her life any longer. I knew I very clearly had very strong romantic and sexual feelings towards her and I could never accept being just friends, much less such distant ones. I wished her the best in life and told her I felt like I must just be bothering her at that point so I'd leave her alone and never talk to her again.
I was devastated. I had trouble eating and sleeping. I felt like my life was over. I'd found the love of my life, she'd been so warm to me and made me so happy, and she'd just been messing with me. I felt completely torn apart.
As terrible as I felt though, I was so used to feeling terrible every day of my life that I simply moped in bed for a couple days, and then I started feeling extremely upset and unproductive. Who was this girl that she thought she could do this to me? What, just because she's really pretty and famous? Still, something inside me told me that I'd done well and she just needed some time to miss me.
I decided to work on developing a MapleStory private server codebase and see where I'd get with that as I waited to see if Kimi might change her mind. I went right back to my usual schedule of busting my ass working 12+ hour days coding all day.
I hardly watched Kimi's stream anymore. I never watched them beginning to end anymore; I was so in love with her already and it was so painful to remember what I was so scared I'd lost. One day, I randomly tuned into a stream for a little while, like I did occasionally just out of curiosity.
It didn't seem like anything special was happening at first. I thought I'd close out of it within a few minutes at most like usual. Then it happened. All of a sudden, the mood changed, and Kimi started looking really tired, sad, and as if she was about to cry. I'd never seen her like that. She proceeded to start moping and saying she needed motivational videos to get out of bed in the morning.
She said she felt like she pushed away the people she liked, and expressed deep regret, saying "It doesn't have to be this way guys, don't do something you're going to regret". She'd never dated anyone, at least not publicly, and it was very hard for me to imagine her publicly moping about a secret relationship she didn't want anyone to know about.
I was shaking from excitement. I felt certain she was trying to send me a message. I knew that I could be wrong, but I sure as hell knew I wanted to be right, and if I was, there was no way I could possibly ignore what had just happened. I remained patient for the rest of the stream, then I decided to start talking again in her Discord server not very long after the stream ended.
I didn't specifically try to get her attention, I just talked in general like normal, not even mentioning what I'd just witnessed that had brought me back. I knew it must be a sensitive topic for Kimi, and I wanted to be considerate and not come off aggressive and eager to start drama.
The next day, she streamed again, and she suddenly seemed a lot happier and as if everything was fine, like she hadn't just had a mental breakdown on stream just the previous day. I talked in her stream chat and everything seemed fine, like I hadn't just completely disappeared for nearly 2 months and returned right after that mental breakdown. It was just so nonchalantly there, and it was driving me crazy.
I directly mentioned her on Discord and told her I added her as a friend and she should add me back because we need to talk. I waited several hours and nothing. I publicly stated that if Kimi was going to be unresponsive after what I'd seen, I was going to go off on her in public. She remained unresponsive. I'm a person of my word, so I did as I said.
I went off on her in her Discord server, mentioning her multiple times in a row, stating how I'd tried so hard to grow closer to her and how she meant so much to me that I saw her as a goddess, and I truly couldn't handle just being distant friends. I thought of mentioning the mental breakdown I'd seen the previous day, but I knew how she'd handle it; if she even addressed it, she'd deny it was even about me, even though it obviously was, and then try to make me look like an idiot for drawing the conclusion she obviously wanted me to draw.
Well, after a little while of a few people questioning me and my character for writing the messages that I did, I got banned from Kimi's Discord and stream chat.
Thus started a period of surprise after surprise, essay after essay, drama after drama, and my perpetual stress over what our connection could actually become, what it even currently was, and trying to determine if Kimi was the best thing or the worst thing that had ever came into my life. This was a very intense period that made me quite uncomfortable over it most of the time, but there were also some times where it was fun too if I'm being completely honest, and it certainly felt really satisfying whenever I saw a very significant reaction from Kimi that expressed considerable warmth towards me.
Shortly after my outburst in Kimi's Discord server that got me banned from it, she posted a picture of herself on Twitter where she was staring intensely into the camera with a passionate expression I'd never seen from her before. It wasn't anger or sadness, but it was clearly very serious and seemed filled with intent. It kind of reminded me of the way she looked at me when she sat right in front of me when we went to eat during her Toronto meetup, but it was more passionate.
I checked the comments, and all I remember was the comments mentioning her looking like she's in love. I was shaken once again. This only even further intensified my confusion and how upset I was about the extremely mixed signals she was giving me, but I knew I was so deeply in love already that the hope it gave me meant I had to keep trying to see if a relationship between us could ever work.
Kimi kept playing romantic music pretty much every stream.
She'd do it both when I'd send her a message or start drama, and even well after. It never stopped, no matter what kind of message I sent her or how long of a period of time there was in between my messages. She ended up mentioning a "love of her life" on more than one occasion, right as drama between me and her reached certain intense points and I had to send some very harsh messages to her in her Discord server. No matter how cold some of my messages were, she always kept saying and doing just enough that I felt compelled to keep going, and I never stopped feeling like she was actually secretly enjoying it a lot.
Even when I doubted if she actually loved me, I knew that there was certainly something about her that made her secretly enjoy the kind of connection we had, and although for quite some time that didn't lead me at all to believe that she must have loving feelings towards me as a result, as time passed and she continued, it started feeling more and more likely.
Because she was being so indecisive and leaving me so conflicted and upset, I decided I had to do something more than just send her messages. Our connection and it's potential to be something amazing always meant a lot to me, and I knew I had to prove that to her very clearly in a way that simply sending her more messages in the same fashion I'd already been doing was no longer enough.
I happened to notice that Ice Poseidon had guests on his streams a lot, and he pretty much encouraged it with his style of streaming and how he even had the CX Network where he was regularly recruiting people and helping them establish a following using his own. I decided that going to LA and stream sniping Ice was the best approach to take in order to try to expose my connection with Kimi and be able to see how she'd react and if it was doomed to fail or if it could actually become something very meaningful.
At this point, Leslie was still accepting messages from me to pass on to Kimi. I told her about my plan to go stream snipe Ice and expose everything. I guess that at first, they thought I wasn't serious at all, but Kimi actually responded receptively. She seemed to have no issues encouraging me to do it if I actually had the courage to do it, and this was quite exciting for me because I knew I had every intention of doing it. As I saw Kimi encouraging me to do it, I made it more and more clear to Leslie through my messages to her that I was going to do it. I shared with her more details about my plan, including even Ice's exact address at the time which I was going to visit.
I gave Leslie my phone number to give to Kimi if she had any desire to stop me in the case that she didn't love me and didn't want me to go through with this, because it was going to have consequences that would not be good if she didn't intend to end up with me and I knew that. I waited, got no messages, got no texts or calls, and I considered this a green light to go through with my plan. Leslie actually blocked me at this point, meanwhile Kimi continued to push me to do it. I understood that Leslie simply didn't want to encourage me to do something that I may not want to do and she knew it could end badly so I suppose I could understand that she didn't want to support such a questionable situation that could end up really badly and because of that I wasn't angry at her even right after seeing her do that. She no longer felt like she could handle the pressure that was building in the situation; understandable enough.
My rent term at the place I was living at was about to expire, so I figured it was the perfect time to throw away most of my useless possessions, trim down everything important I own down to a single backpack, and end the year off by making a trip to LA, stream sniping Ice, and calling out Kimi for the extremely mixed messages that she was sending me in our relationship. Very shortly after Leslie blocked me, Mickey messaged me on Twitter and he told me that he wanted to help me out, so I'm left under the impression that Kimi must've told him that I'd lost contact with Leslie and requested he start helping pass on messages. I started sharing my feelings and intentions with Kimi through Mickey past that point.
I informed her as I was leaving for my flight, when I landed in LA, and even approaching right before I actually stream sniped Ice. I gave her plenty of time and opportunity to contact me beforehand, and she didn't contact me in any way. This I took once again as the green light to go full speed head, stream sniping Ice and calling her out live for the roughly 20,000 people watching. As it became completely clear that Kimi had no intention to ask me to stop as far as stream sniping Ice, I got ready, looked myself in the mirror and prepared to do what I was about to do, and got an Uber.
I was really excited throughout that car ride, and I had to try pretty hard to stay calm. After all, I was heading to an internet celebrity's house to call out another internet celebrity that I still consider to this day to be my soulmate. I made small talk with my Uber driver as you usually do and within a few minutes I had reached Ice's house. I could immediately tell that I was at the right place, as I instantly recognized the exterior of the building. The lights were on and I could see nobody inside in the kitchen or living room areas through all the clear glass windows at the front of the house.
As I approached the front of Ice's house, I sat at the table in the porch and I tuned into his stream. He was live he was messing around as I expected, so I figured that I should probably give him a donation to get his attention to get him to come to the door. So I dropped him $25 USD and I told him I was waiting outside his house because I wanted to talk. He seemed to miss that donation entirely, so I sent another one. I read the second one, but he didn't come to the door. I talked in his Discord server and sent him another donation telling him that I'm right outside his house, but he still didn't come to the door. I rang the doorbell a couple times.
I checked the stream, but it didn't seem like I could actually hear the doorbell, but I mentioned in Discord that I'm right outside the house and literally a couple people told me to try just straight up opening the door. Sounded extremely stupid to me, but I figured hey what the hell maybe his door is actually open, so I turned the door knob and to my surprise the door was actually unlocked. After I jumped in excitement for a moment, I realized that now it was my chance. I saw Ice mention that he was going to the studio to record some rap, and he was going to do that in a couple hours so at that point I knew it was now or never. After I got over my excitement that the door was open and I was about to stream snipe Ice successfully after I traveled a six hour flight to LA to be able to do so, I walked in, closed the door behind me, and I made my way to Ice's room.
I had an idea of where Ice's room was from watching past streams, and I was pretty sure I'd found it pretty quickly, but I wanted to make sure and I still didn't know if there was anyone else home, so I was a little worried. I made my way through the living room area and down the hallway for the bedrooms. As I went straight down the hallway, to my right was a room with a door closed that I was pretty certain was Ice's room, and I could hear him inside so I very quickly realized it was indeed his room. At this point, I briefly glanced to the hallway at my left and I noticed that all the doors along it were open and nobody else seemed to be home. I didn't want to waste any time, and I was really excited to finally get to do what I'd come to do, so I swung open the door to Ice's room.
"Hey bro, what's up?" I told Ice as I barged into his room. He was definitely surprised and he pretty much instantly turns the camera to face me, then asked me who the hell I am.
I definitely caught Ice off guard, and he actually mentioned it to me that I should've knocked beforehand. In retrospect, I realized that he was right and I probably should have knocked before entering, but everything worked out, overall he was pretty chill and in the end he gave me almost an hour of time on his stream and he was pretty respectful for the most part. He was obviously curious about why I was there, what I was doing, my goals... He was even very willing to give me quite a bit of attention; he went as far as to insist on sending Kimi a tweet on my behalf, telling her that she should meet me. After we talked for a good while, a couple of Ice's friends came in and eventually I was escorted out.
Overall, it was really fun and interesting.
I got my message out there and I achieved what I set out to do in coming to LA on that trip. As I said, I was in contact with Kimi through Mickey, and I continued to send her messages afterwards asking to meet her while I was in LA and then later as she seemed to express that she was upset that our relationship seemed to be over, I continued to send her messages telling her that I still love her and that I was maintaining that as I had told her before, I went to stream snipe Ice's stream not out of hatred but that I just wanted her to give me attention and acknowledge my love for her and that I had meant what I said and I still wanted to make things between us work.
The year ended that way.
I thought that was it and I'd end up going into isolation not very long after 2019 started, but Kimi continued to show me warmth. I was just shocked at first and didn't know how to react.
At the beginning of 2019, Kimi started expressing that she likes to talk out issues she has with people and she started making it seem that she was missing me and she wanted to try to make things better. After I started sending a few more messages, one of the messages I sent just rapidly started evolving and becoming larger and larger, and before I knew it I was writing the beast that has now become The International Ultimatum. It took me more than 2 months to finish The International Ultimatum, and the whole time, I would make several changes, proofread the whole thing, send Kimi a revised update telling her what I changed, and she would proceed to communicate her thoughts and desires further in her following streams. In that way, I worked through The International Ultimatum with Kimi's input.
After 10 revisions, it was finally complete. I dropped it by starting drama in her Discord server, and I also mentioned it in Ice's Discord server. Surprisingly, it was actually removed from Ice's Discord server faster than it was removed from Kimi's. After that, Kimi continued to communicate that she wanted to take things more seriously with me in the near future, to which I continued to respond warmly to and contemplate on and communicate with her that I wanted to happen. After a little while of that though, she basically told me that she wasn't going to do it, and this left me very sad and angry but I knew that I still love her and I still wanted to see what I could do to possibly make the situation work. After this point, I decided that instead of just sending her messages through Mickey, I had to start making lengthy blog posts on my website that I would post publicly and allow anyone to view.
I was already using a completely custom website system that I coded from scratch myself, but it didn't have a blog set of functionality, so the first thing I did was I coded an entire set of blog related functionality so my website supported having a blog. It didn't take very long nor was it particularly difficult, and before I knew it I had a blog on my website along with everything else. I started to post lengthy blog posts about things I was thinking on my mind, largely messages that I wanted Kimi to read and think about and hopefully respond positively to. She continued to react, albeit low-key like usual, but regardless was continuing to communicate her thoughts and desires to me through her stream.
So at this point, I'd tried so hard, communicated so much, spent hours and hours every single day for almost the last 3 months writing by far the biggest thing I'd ever written in my life, and Kimi literally just laughed in my face and basically told me, "Nope, you got fucked, gottem". Holy shit was I mad. I seemed to have gotten absolutely nowhere with all of my efforts, so I decided that perhaps instead of being so hopeful that things would work out, it might be a better approach to simply give up and move forward from there. I started contemplating on and writing about how I was going to destroy the world by going into full meditation soon, explaining my plan in considerable detail on what I was going to do.
I started to feel extremely disrespected and simply inadequate to end up being with Kimi, and I figured that it must simply be my fate to single-handedly destroy the world in the future, considering that I already knew I absolutely needed Kimi in my life forever or I was certainly going to head down that path, and I didn't think Kimi was going to contact me ever. I gave her until the end of July to contact me if she had any intention to do so and told her clearly that if she didn't, I was going to give up. She kept communicating, kept reacting, kept showing me affection throughout all of July, and somehow she managed to make me decide not to just completely give up even though she didn't contact me by end of July, and she instead convinced me to give her until the end of the year.
I wasn't content simply waiting for the year to pass though. I spent my time mostly in deep contemplation and reflection, wondering what my chances of her reaching out to me really were, and what I could possibly do in order to maximize my chances, so if I didn't get what I wanted, I could at least enter that complete isolation and proceed to start meditating to destroy the world with no regrets. I ended up deciding to write a book about it.
She continued to surprise me.
As far as I'm concerned, Kimi very clearly has very strong feelings for me. It may seem questionable to others what her feelings towards me are, but I have an immense amount of trouble believing she doesn't actually love me a lot. Like, to the point that I feel certain she's touched herself thinking about me.
I actually have Kimi's personal email address. Not her PayPal email. Not her business email. Not her manager's email. Not some throwaway spam email. This is her main personal email; you're not going to find it anywhere randomly on the internet. Don't worry about how I got it. Know that I've confirmed to both Mickey and Celine that I have it.
I've had it for a long time; I never did anything with it for a long time at first, though. After more than a year of having it and doing nothing with it, I decided to email her a copy of The International Ultimatum around the beginning of 2019 after I completed it; I continued to refrain from sending her anything for quite some time past that point too, though.
After I started communicating to Kimi that I was writing a book and that I thought I should just give her space since I felt she wanted me gone, she was persistent to get my attention. She acted in such a way that made me feel strongly that she'd feel abandoned and deeply hurt if I didn't continue communicating with her.
I've been emailing her regularly since August 29th. I know she reads my messages. She's been reactive on stream every time. I decided to start sending her emails because as I was distancing myself from her to write my book in silence because I felt like she didn't want me to bother her anymore and I told her that's what I was going to do, she started to act crazy and play music on stream expressing intense affection and, combined with certain things she was saying, especially about her fame causing her to have really strained relationships with certain people that she felt were very special to her, making me feel very clearly that she didn't want me to distance myself from her like that. I felt touched and I knew I didn't want to leave her scared and hurting.
I didn't actually want to distance myself from her, I'd simply thought I had to do so because I was trying to be considerate to her. I thought I was just being creepy with all my communication through Mickey and she wanted me to stop; just shut up, write my book, release it, and go into isolation and leave her alone so she could enjoy the remaining couple years of society before the world ends. When I saw her wanting me to keep communicating with her, it made me certain I had to keep trying to make our relationship work.
It felt wrong to simply send her mundane messages though, so I decided I had to start really opening up to her in a way I hadn't before. There was only one thing I could think of. I had her personal email address. I had used that same email to send her The International Ultimatum on its final revision, and I decided that it was now time to start sending her messages to that email instead of communicating to Mickey, and this time the messages I would send her would be very personal and intimate and opening up to her about every single thing that I ever wanted to say to her that I hadn't felt comfortable saying before because our communication hadn't been direct.
My first message to her was an extremely intimate message where I told her about all my sexual desires and interests. It was very personal and very intimate. I went as far as to explicitly tell her how many times I jerked off to her that day, along with including dick pics. I told her I wanted to send her intimate messages every single day from then on, until she either starts dating me officially, or I end up giving up on humanity and go into complete isolation at the start of next year to start meditating using quantum energy harvesting techniques to destroy the world.
I wanted to be very considerate to the fact that she might've found such a message creepy, so I told her there were multiple ways she could communicate to me, directly or indirectly, that she didn't like it. She could email me back and tell me to stop. She could block me on Twitter. She could simply express generally feeling creeped out on her following stream and I'd get the message. She chose to do nothing of the sort, and instead remained seemingly receptive, so I continued to send her messages. They continued to be very intimate and involving both updates on my progress as well as sexual things. I'd mention how much I'd touched myself to her that day; pretty much always at least six times.
After a few days, I still hadn't gotten any direct response from her, and even what I was interpreting as receptive behavior from her on stream I recognized could be considered vague and most other people would probably tell me I'm just seeing what I want to see. I started feeling creepy and I didn't like it, so I decided to stop sending her emails and just work on my book and see what happens. One day passed and nothing, but the following day, she started her stream playing a song expressing that she wasn't sure if I was gone but she just wanted me to come back to her. Yeah, less than 48 hours without sending her an intimate message literally including telling her about how much I'm touching myself to her, and she already started crying out for me to come back to her and keep sending her messages.
That's definitely not a coincidence.
I found it confusing that she wanted me to keep going but didn't want to actually message me back directly, but I love her with all of my heart and I knew I had to try to discern the truth further. I immediately wrote up an email for her, and this time I told her something subtle but specific that she could do if she wanted to communicate to me that she wanted to intentionally turn me on, telling her I'd jerk off to her even more than usual if I saw her do it the following stream. I decided that if she actually did it, I should no longer feel creepy sending her intimate messages and instead just happily do so from that point forward, regardless of if she directly responded to me or not.
She did it. Not just once either; she actually went in and very clearly showed me she wanted to turn me on a lot, doing it multiple times in a single stream sometimes even, during following streams since. Hearing from me that she actually turned me on a lot and I jerked off more than usual to her when she did it seems to have turned her on, and that makes me very happy.
I've been sending her emails regularly since she responded that way, and she continues to be warm to me and receptive to the messages. I know I'm sending these emails to the right place too, because her little account picture shows up on stream as she's logged into Google Chrome, when she pulls up clips on stream to react to them. That's the same account picture that I see on Gmail for the email I'm sending messages to.
I've mentioned other things she could do since, which she's also done. She's also enjoyed when I told her how much I liked it too. She's even went above and beyond things I've asked her in her attempts to turn me on and make me feel good.
Some may have noticed around this time that Kimi was making strange sounds and literally moaning in a sexual way sometimes. When she did it, I saw her chat filling with people spamming question marks and people telling her to stop. You know why? I told her I really like her voice and it turns me on. I didn't even ask her to moan; she just decided to start moaning because she wanted to turn me on.
That's just one example.
Kimi's the perfectly voluptuous goddess of my wildest fantasies and I love her with all of my heart and I absolutely need her in my life forever. Don't think that I don't know darker or more private things about her either when I consider her so highly. I'm not putting her on a pedestal, I simply recognize the immense value that she has in my life and have no issue very clearly expressing it.
I know Kimi very well, including her negative attributes, and I still feel this way about her.
I know that as much as I know about her, there are certainly things she's kept hidden from me, because she likes to hide things and portray herself as an angel as much as possible to the general public. I'm not completely certain what these things may be, but I know that if I'm already okay with all the things I do know about her, none of these things at all should change how I feel about her.
I've literally told her she could have a penis (which I highly doubt to be clear; I'm mentioning this to prove a point) and although that's not something I've ever hoped for, even that wouldn't change my position and I'd still love and accept her as she is. I absolutely mean that.
I've never been so foolish as to genuinely assert nor believe for even a moment that Kimi's incapable of pursuing and obtaining a relationship with someone other than myself. She's very clearly an individual who holds attributes, both physically and mentally, that would be desirable to many. However, knowing her quite well, I'm in a position to assert that it takes an individual of a very specific core value and mentality to truly be able to fully recognize, accept, appreciate, and respect the person that I choose to believe and assert that she is deep inside.
As a result, while acquiring a relationship in general wouldn't be something difficult at all for Kimi to achieve, it would be extremely difficult for her to obtain one with sufficient quality and depth such that it would be both very viable and very pleasant to very seriously consider extending to become a lifelong partnership with anyone other than I. If one is to believe the concept of a soulmate truly exists and is obtainable within one's lifetime, such a concept holds no greater potential for validity in the lives of Kimi and I than in the connection that we share.
Kimi probably currently feels extremely insecure and has convinced herself she's already lost me, but I swear on my life she hasn't lost me yet, and she won't unless she doesn't start officially dating me soon. If she does lose me in the end, not only does she lose the most valuable and loving romantic connection she could ever have in her entire life, she's also going to end up losing whoever she abandons me for, along with her friends, family, sanity, and overall will to live. She has a personality where she's quick to pity herself and try her best to cope, so she might not recognize things this way yet, but I'm absolutely certain she'll start to see it more and more clearly as time goes on, and I can only hope it doesn't happen when it's already too late for her to do something positive about it to change the direction she's currently heading in.
Kimi needs to understand that she is currently having her ego massively overinflated by letting the support of her friends and community, combined with the flattery I'm giving her by chasing her so passionately and being honest in saying on multiple occasions that I find her to be the most perfectly voluptuous goddess of my wildest fantasies, result in her having a very false sense of superiority over me, and she needs to wake up. The reality is that while I'm willing to be very understanding and fair towards her because I want an extremely loving, affectionate, and healthy relationship that we can both see and work towards lasting the rest of our lives, we're actually on much more even ground than it may seem to most people in terms of what we have to offer each other. We both have a lot of deeply loving affection, sexual satisfaction, and professional progress to offer each other, far greater than what anyone else could ever give us.
Think about this for a moment. Right now, I'm a single person with no really acknowledged global presence, fighting against Kimi, her friends, her community, and pretty much the entire world, all at the same time, and I'm quite certain she can already tell she's getting quite concerned about how things may end up. Imagine when this book is finished and I start making waves and building more of a following, very likely comprised of at least some very dangerous people, how scared she's going to be.
Even then, the fear is just the beginning, because the only reason the fear is even there in the first place is because there is very good reason to be afraid, because it's the actions that will certainly follow, which will be very harmful if Kimi ends up establishing herself as my biggest enemy who was actually doing all of what she did out of unrestrained malicious intent, which will actually be where things get terrifying. I'm not saying this because I want her terrified, I'm saying this because I truly love her with all of my heart and I've always wanted to prevent any bad things from ever happening to her.
I suppose it'll take this book being released for her and everyone around her to more fully realize and be able to internalize everything.
Kimi was fortunate enough to start seeing results from her professional efforts very early on, consistently see more results from her continued efforts as she progressed, and be placed in an environment from the beginning that constantly facilitated her growth by regularly providing her with opportunities to connect and make value exchanges with other parties. This is why the kind of approach I'm taking with writing this book would never work for her. But I'm in the entirely opposite position; while Kimi succeeded with all the odds in her favor, I've succeeded in even reaching the position to write this book in the first place going against all the odds.
It seems to me like Kimi clearly has feelings for me, but she also seems to clearly want me to be questioning it perhaps even to an unhealthy level, and I need to make it as clear as I can to her that I don't like nor appreciate the latter portion of her feelings and desires.
There must be something negative she's holding on to that's leaving her feeling insecure and leading to this hurtful behavior. I hope she'll see before it's too late that it's unhealthy and she needs to let go of it and start having a healthy relationship with me. Continuing to act so destructive will leave us both miserable and the world being destroyed. I'm not trying to be scary or mean, but seriously, this isn't a game. I love her more than words can describe.
Whatever I did that hurt her, I'm sorry. I'm genuinely really sorry. For all of it. I've meant it every time I said that I always just wanted a healthy loving relationship with her. We've had a really rough connection and I truly want nothing more than to make things right. I only want to be kind and loving to her in the future. She's everything to me.
I know for certain that if I have to leave her alone for years and go into isolation, any chance at a healthy relationship between us is completely gone. Destroying the world will be the only thing I'll be left driven to do. Things have to get better between us while they still can, otherwise there's truly no way this could ever work, and it's only downhill from there.
This book is literally me swearing on my life that I'll try my hardest to be the best partner I could ever be to her and that I want nothing more in my life than to have her reciprocate that position towards me. She needs to in order for us to have a healthy relationship and that's what I want for us.
What more do you think she can expect from me?
I truly want nothing but the best for her and I know she's going to end up really hurt if she doesn't move past whatever's holding her back. I have so much reason to have hard feelings and act destructive but I continue to put it all aside because I truly love her with all of my heart and I'm willing to be gentle enough with myself and her to give us a real chance. I know it's scary. I'd be lying if I said I'm not worried. But I also know that I love her far too much for that to stop me.
I've said it before and I'll say it again. I've never wanted to hurt her. I still don't. But I want her. I'll always want her. I don't care about living if I can't have her. I'm serious when I say I'll throw away any fame or any other benefits this world has to offer if I can't have her. I'm going to carry through on every single thing contained in my book as of its release. Whether Kimi tries to help me get fame or any other benefits or not, the outcome is the same if I can't be with her.
I haven't just written it in the book because it sounds good.
I know she's been reading every single email I've been sending her. I know she intentionally did all those low-key intimate things I talked to her about and then some. There's absolutely no way it was all a coincidence. I'm still very worried, but I also still see reason to hope for the best, and I want her to know I truly want things to work out well between us.
Towards the release of this book, Kimi revealed pretty clearly to me that she's been in my Discord server. First, I'd like to simply share a message she sent quite some time before she started making it very obvious who she was.
Got you. You're mine now. For the rest of the day, week, month, year, life. Have you guessed who I am? Sometimes I think you have. Sometimes when you're standing in a crowd I feel those sultry, dark eyes of yours stop on me. Are you too afraid to come up to me and let me know how you feel? I want to moan and writhe with you and I want to go up to you and kiss your mouth and pull you to me and say "I love you I love you I love you" while stripping. I want you so bad it stings. I want to kill the ugly girls that you're always with. Do you really like those boring, naive, coy, calculating girls or is it just for sex? The seeds of love have taken hold, and if we won't burn together, I'll burn alone.
When she sent this, I was shaken. I thought someone was trolling me extremely hard. More recently, she's made it obvious it's actually her. She's been putting herself down. I've addressed it to her personally and I'm going to do so here as well. I told her to stop. It doesn't make things any better if she calls herself a fraud or a whore or a piece of shit or anything else. She's truly extremely special and completely irreplaceable to me. I would've never had the drive to write this book if that wasn't the case.
When I saw her doing this, I became concerned if it was a cry to communicate more warmly before the book was released. I offered it to her that if she wanted to start communicating with me before this book is released, I wanted her to know I'm truly open to it. As long as she understood that she truly is extremely special and irreplaceable to me and my position is unwavering on wanting to start officially dating her before the end of the year or this world is heading straight towards destruction, I was completely willing to discuss any changes/improvements she'd like to see in the book before its release.
She didn't email me but she continued to communicate things on stream. I continued to pay attention.
The month before releasing this book, October 2019, I gave her $400 USD in donations; a $300 one and a $100 one. I'd promised the $300 one as a late birthday present and also to show her that I wasn't trying to be spiteful or malicious when I gave that amount to Ice to make him feel more comfortable letting me expose her on his stream. I gave the $100 after because she reacted warmly to the first one and also because I wanted to do something more to show I wasn't just doing things out of guilt but rather because I actually really value our connection.
I originally promised to release the initial version of this book on November 1st and it ended up being about a week late. The reason was twofold: I had made a bank transfer waiting for additional money as I was planning to make another $300 USD donation right before releasing the book, and also to proofread the book. There was a very considerable amount of improvements I made as I spent many hours every day going over everything. I was communicating with her the whole time and making sure I paid attention to any final thoughts she was sharing. I sent her an email with picture proof that I made a bank transfer and also that I'd been continuing to subscribe to her on Twitch for quite some time even despite being banned from her channel.
I explained to her ahead of time how I'd originally thought things would go.
I'm going to make this donation. Then I'm going to release the book by switching my existing temporary homepage with the cover and table of contents to a page with the contents of the book all on one page (website view of the book) and on that page there will be buttons for downloading the PDF both from a direct download link on my server as well as a Google Drive mirror. Then I'm going to post a tweet on my profile releasing the book with the Google Drive link to it so people aren't sketched out by a shady looking link. Then I'm going to multi-reply to that tweet with a thread of multi-mentions to all the relevant parties, so Kimi, her friends, everyone on Hits, everyone on Honorable Mentions, FBI, CIA, Interpol, Trump, news agencies, etc. Then I'm going to submit that message I showed earlier to the FBI via their tips page.
Then I'm going to start meditating already in all my spare time for the rest of this month. The only exception will be when I'm watching her stream. If she's going to talk to me, she needs to start by emailing me. If she doesn't talk to me, work out our relationship, and fly me out to LA to start dating her and living with her before December starts, I'm going to start going through all the VODs I've saved from all the streams I have evidence from, getting timestamps for shit. I'm going to prepare a whole video presenting all my evidence to expose the fuck out of her which will be released at the end of the year if we're not dating by then. Then I'm going to start getting everything ready and in place to start my complete isolation at a chosen location. If the end of the year comes and we're not officially together, bam, I drop the evidence and dip into isolation.
You think I haven't done this shit already because I'm scared? No. I love her. I care about her. I want to make this relationship work and I know that there's no way it could ever work if I straight up destroy her like that. That being said, if I end up realizing in the end that not only will it not work, but it's because she was being a stupid selfish clown bitch this whole time, yes, I'm going to destroy her. I have nothing to fear, since I'm going to go into isolation after. What is she going to do, sue me? She can go ahead and do that.
As the release of my book drew very close, I saw how she said she finds someone really smart strangely sexy and they're the kind of person she wants to date. Combined with how she said in my Discord that she's glad I find her very attractive, it seems quite clear she wants me under the impression she finds me at least somehow sexy and she wants to date me.
I don't know whether she's messing with me or not, but to the last moment she's giving me more evidence to prove what I did wasn't stalking, if not anything else. I really hope she's being honest, because the thought of being with her actually makes me so happy there's literally nothing in this world I could ever want more.
Her personality is strangely sexy to me too, but there's nothing at all strange to me about how sexy her body is to me. I'm not exaggerating when I say I literally think she's way hotter than even any KPop girl I've ever seen. Everything from her hair, skin, and voice, to her perfectly voluptuous goddess curves with the perfect boobs and butt is just breathtaking to me. I really mean it when I say she's gorgeous with or without make up too.
I don't care what anyone thinks. Physically and mentally, she's completely worth it to me. She's the most precious person in the entire world to me and she always will be. If anyone ever tries to put her down around me and especially if they try to tell me I could've done better or some shit, I'm not going to let them do that to her. I haven't been letting it happen online up to the release of this book, and if we end up together, I won't let anyone do it in person either.
I'm sensitive about these things. I mean it when I say I'd never laugh about it or pull some shit like "yeah I guess but her pussy good though" like guys would normally do. I'm sure she'll understand why I say I'm a girl, but I also feel just as certain that she'll love it a lot more than she could ever like the way a normal guy would treat her.
I want her to remember that all of these deeper and harder dialogues between us up to this point are to set foundation and because we're not actually spending time together. If she dates me, I feel quite certain she'll be very good to me, especially since I want to be very good to her and I know she'll see my efforts and affection. I don't just want to be her lover, I want to be her best friend too; someone she could never imagine her life without.
Another thing Kimi has expressed frustration or concern about is that I would've never wanted her if she was ugly. Well yeah, if she was fat and ugly, she would've never put herself out there on Twitch, so of course I wouldn't have looked her way. I wouldn't have even known she existed. But if you're going to start talking about things she's clearly not, you might as well replace being fat and ugly with having been too scared or short-tempered to handle me, and even if I looked her way, our connection would've never came this far either.
If she looked like a dude, I would've never gone for her either. I don't only like her for her appearance just because I find her appearance very appealing. It hurts that she's so depressed that she feels like she's not really worth loving beyond her looks, but I hope I can show her I really do see more to her than that if she really is feeling that way about all this.
If I was going to think like that, I could also flip that on her and say that if I was chiseled and shit with a really hot body, I could've been a massive douchebag or a dumbass or just have money and she'd still hop on my dick instead of giving me such a hard time. On that note, if I wasn't at least really smart and powerful like I am, she wouldn't have cared to get this far with me either.
We're not dealing with what-ifs. We're dealing with what is. She's not fat nor ugly and I'm not stupid nor weak.
It's okay, I understand. She's been hurt. She's nervous, upset, and unsure what I'm even really hoping to gain out of all of this. I'm working through this with her because I want things to get better.
I don't just think about sex you know. I think about the times in silence holding each other. I think about how she's going to want to watch anime with me and I'll be more interested in gently playing with her hair. I think about her wanting to take me around places and thinking I'll be bothered but me being totally cool with it and her being pleasantly surprised I enjoy simply spending time with her so much. I think about us both pleasantly surprising each other with the tenderness and kindness we only vaguely imagined from each other.
If she really loves me, everything will be okay. The doubts and worries she has now will pass.
I'm not going to have angry fights with Kimi or anyone else. I don't need that in my life and I certainly never wanted it. I mean it when I say I'm going into complete isolation to meditate to destroy the world if I can't be with Kimi. I've already accepted this and already thought the whole thing through to the point that I have absolutely no fears about it, I simply hope that it doesn't come to that. But if it does, I'm ready, I'm willing, and I'm going to show this world no mercy.
I'm going to assume Kimi's giving me attitude more than anything else because she's scared about what's going to happen after this book is released and she feels like she'd rather not deal with it. I don't know if she'll ever improve her attitude, but what I do know is that I'm definitely releasing this book and I definitely want to be with her in a healthy and loving relationship forever. I don't care how impossible it may seem to many, but I think it's possible and I know I want it to happen.
I've said it before; I made a mess and I'm cleaning it up. I told Kimi that I knew from the first time I started drama that I wanted her forever and I was doing it planning and hoping to be able to fix things. I meant it. I'm not a cuck and I'm not a pussy, nor will I ever be those things. I'm a Permanent Chief of the Shadow Confederation. I'm a fucking savage and I'm going to prove it to Kimi and everyone else.
If I have to go into isolation and destroy this world, I want to know that I'm doing it letting go of any tension in my heart that would make me second-guess my choices. I need to know that Kimi never loved me and never will if I'm going to do this, and whether or not we're dating in a tender, loving, and affectionate relationship soon that seems like it should really last forever is going to give me the answer.
Saying she loved me but she's over it isn't acceptable. Telling me to find other girls isn't acceptable. Telling me to accept fame and money from my efforts and try to get happiness some other way isn't acceptable. I'm not weak nor a clown, and I refuse to let anyone in this entire world treat me that way, especially the person I care about the most that I absolutely need a fair and healthy relationship with if I'm not going to become extremely destructive. If she respects me at all, she'll date me and we can make this work. If not, I care less about this entire world than Kimi cares about me.
And I have very good reason to.
I know with how much I've talked about touching myself, it may seem like I practically jerk off all day. Yeah, no. Even if I'm jerking off three or four hours a day, I'm awake for 15 or more, and I'm being productive working on my book the vast majority of the time. That means I'm spending at least 1012+ hours working, roughly at least three times the amount of time I'm jerking off.
I don't take days off where I just watch anime (or any other shit) or play games all day. I never sleep in. I don't have dogs or pets or shit to comfort me. I don't have friends nor family to rely on for any kind of support. It's literally me against the world and I bust my ass all day every day chasing my goals and dreams. So what if I'm jerking off a few hours a day, I'm working multiple times as hard. Just as consistently.
It's been like this ever since I turned 19.
I can count the amount of days I've done absolutely nothing in the past five years on my hands. I didn't become this savage by being a lazy fuck.
Kimi seems to think that the only reason I can throw around what she considers loose statements like "I won't care about money or fame without you" is because I haven't experienced them, and that my perspective would suddenly change if I did.
I don't need to jump off a cliff without a parachute to know I won't like falling to my death. In the exact same way, I don't need to be alone and rich to know I'll still be depressed and unsatisfied with hookers. In the exact same way, I don't need to be famous and alone to know I'll still feel empty as fuck with all the attention from people that are more interested in a product or service I provide than me as a person or that I wouldn't be able to trust due to all the traumas I've endured in my life anyways even if there were people actually really interested in me as a person. In the exact same way, I don't need to try picking up or dating tons of women from bars, clubs, or the street to know that my soul will be so crushed if I lose Kimi that I'll never care to even try loving ever again.
While this switching up phenomenon may indeed be the case for most people, most people also don't have a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension and as a result have (a usually considerable amount of) active ego. Their active ego is the reason they switch up like that.
Let's once again take a look at the 5 fundamental traits that a person without any active ego (meaning they have refined pure bidirectional apprehension as their core value) will never demonstrate:
Basically, anyone with an active ego is prone to doing all these things. Take a good look. Don't these all sound like things people who switch up do? Yeah, because they are. They all come from active ego. It's all the same shit; the shit that I've worked my whole life to rid every bit of my personality and lifestyle of.
When I'm saying that we have to end up together, I'm not holding Kimi to my standards. I'm holding her to her own. She considers herself to not be a complete piece of shit. She considers herself not to be a complete moron. She considers herself deserving of someone that truly cares about her deeply and has proved that to her over a long period of time.
I've communicated with Kimi a lot before deciding to release this book. Right up to the final moments before I did so, she was encouraging me to do it. I explained to her how committed I was to a positive outcome and the kind of negative impact it would have on her life if she didn't love me. I told her to think very carefully before making a decision. I'm only left believing that she's either very invested in making this work like I am, or she's extremely suicidal. I can only hope for the former.
I'm nothing like most people. It's not just me "being unique" in some wild way because I'm some fucking emo nonconformist edgelord teenager that's stuck mentally in some shallow bullshit where I'm trying to be a hippy. I'm not unique because I'm trying too hard to be cool. I'm unique because most people are weak-willed and have careless mentalities in a careless lifestyle and I don't live my life that way. Perhaps it's less than ideal to describe it so crudely in front of a large audience as it may come off intentionally offensive, but that's the uncensored simple truth.
No, it's not a case of "if everyone else tells you something, you're the problem."
Was I the problem when all the people who lost their lives because they challenged me and lost died? What does me calling out the Shadow Confederation in front of 20,000 people and yet I casually walk around the streets and remain alive to this day mean to you? You think you could do some kind of shit like that without being high-level or having high-level protection and hope to live? Especially without any fears of being harmed for it?
Most people throw judgement around quickly. Most people also get fucked up by more powerful people for that exact reason.
I'm actually literally as woke as it gets. Like, not the edgy woke; actually woke. Messing with me has costed others their lives already. They weren't people I was romantically interested or involved with. But nobody's treated me the way Kimi has, and she's actually extremely delusional if she thinks I'm not extremely invested in this relationship working out. Like, dangerously delusional. Mental asylum delusional. I'm having a really hard time believing she's that insane and I really hope that's not the case.
I already told Kimi what kind of plan I have to release this book. Even if I don't get national attention, you can bet I'm going to raise a lot of eyebrows. The government will start watching. Kimi's friends are going to start low-key hating her. I don't even know what her family would think if they found out. The Shadow Confederation will start planning to kill her. She can throw any chance of a healthy relationship with anyone other than me out the window; you think she'll be able to hide this book from them or that they'll want to stay with her after reading it?
Basically, her life is fucked if she throws me away. My life is fucked if I were to throw her away too, but I never had any intention to do that. With her, I'm really not sure she have as acute of an awareness of how serious what she's gotten herself into really is, even though I'm sure she's a lot smarter than she acts on stream. I understand part of it is a show and part of it is just knowing it doesn't matter so much to be super sharp about it. Don't get me wrong, if I actually thought she was a straight up dumbass, I would've never gone this far with her.
At the same time, I know I've upset her, and I know that it's possible she's so hurt it's blinding her.
That worries me a lot.
It doesn't even mean she's weak either. I know I've gotten overly jealous sometimes and jumped to conclusions I was wrong about. Even for all the strength my mentality has, the amount of pressure and emotional involvement this situation has on me hasn't allowed me to always see things completely clearly. I'd actually say she's extremely emotionally resilient for having come this far. We've both had our weak and strong moments. What's more important is that we're not judging each other for our weak moments and focusing on why we got this far in this in the first place.
I don't say anything in this book to try to scare her. I say this because I care about her very deeply. I say it because I can see she cares enough to read my messages and think about them and I can see that she has a lot of potential to blossom into an incredible human being that she probably thought was beyond her capabilities; a god, a goddess, whatever you want to call someone so incredible that she can look at herself and feel really good about herself and know that she deserves me and I deserve her and we're extremely powerful and we deserve it. I say it because I see a desire she has for greatness and I choose to believe she has it in her as well. I say it because I know this means something to her and I want to make sure that I tried my best to have it mean the right things.
I'm not doing this out of guilt nor out of feeling some kind of moral obligation. I won't allow Kimi to be with me simply because she feels morally obligated to do so and I've already told her that. She probably would feel some extent of moral obligation, which is fine, and I suppose she should, but it shouldn't be the only reason she's doing it; at this point, I think she'd have to really love me a lot if she did it at all, so I'm not really worried about that.
What I mean by that is that since I want a healthy relationship with a healthy foundation, I don't want to be with her if she's going to communicate to me essentially the message, "I don't actually love you but I don't want the world to end and I don't want everyone to hate me for causing it so I'll date you even though I don't really want to."
Worth mentioning is that although I won't date her under that circumstance, I'll still want to be with her, and the lack of viability changes nothing as far as my decision to go into isolation and destroy the world if we're not together. If she won't even give a real relationship with me a shot after everything we've been through and especially considering what's at stake, I don't care why or what anyone has to offer me in any other areas of life, my position isn't changing. The reason the relationship becomes nonviable doesn't change anything as far as future prospects in the case that we don't end up together.
I don't say this lightly. I know our connection must mean something to her; something deep. I know that if I can really communicate deep warmth and affection for her, it's going to get her thinking about what a relationship with me would really be like. She'll feel like not even giving it a shot means she could be missing out on a dreamy soulmate connection she never thought she could ever have. I feel certain she must've felt this before or there's no way she would've even gone this far with this kind of connection with me.
I know there are a lot of reasons to resist it, whether it's fear, shame, guilt, judgement, or insecurities; I know why I shouldn't have expectations. But I also know how dreamy she is to me and that if she sees me at all in the same way, I hold an appeal to her that nobody else ever could, and it's extremely strong. Faced with that kind of feeling, my threat of ending the world if she won't date me becomes merely the final push to make the decisive decision to act upon desires she's had for some time now already, and she wouldn't hold it against me nor do it solely out of feeling morally obligated; she'd actually be very happy that I finally managed to achieve such a thing and we could be together because of it. No matter how much reason I have to doubt, having hope at all means I have to believe the best in her, and that's what I'm going to do.
I know I've said some mean things to her before, but she needs to see things for what they really are right now. I respect her a lot. I care about her a lot. There's a lot on the line here for her, me, and the world.
She plays some really sassy music sometimes and I really don't know what it really means to her when she's doing that. For me, it doesn't matter how savage whatever music I listen to is, my heart looks at her and all I see is the most precious person in the entire world to me.
She needs to understand that she's far too deep to ever really forget me. Even if I go into isolation in the forest, my effect on her life is never really going away. It's going to be very negative without me in it. She needs to remember that it took both of us to get here; I'm not simply backing off, and that doesn't mean I don't respect her nor that I don't care about her. In fact, it means the opposite.
I refuse to think she's not worth my time simply because she's too confused and upset before the release of this book to really see where I'm coming from and talk to me with more warmth. I've always tried my best to understand her and I can understand that. She's still worth everything to me.
She always will be.
Several people have called me a stalker. I'm sure several more consider me one although they don't vocalize it. I'm not a fucking stalker. You know what the definition of a stalker is?
A person who harasses or persecutes someone with unwanted and obsessive attention.
You know how anyone who isn't in a mental asylum would treat me if I was really giving them unwanted attention for three whole fucking years? They'd be terrified. They'd show it clearly. They'd try to communicate to me that things will really never work and I should seriously give up. Very clearly. Over and over again. Without being wishy-washy about it. It would've never gotten to the point where I could be saying the things I'm saying with anywhere close to the kind of substance that I have when I talk about Kimi.
If Kimi was really just extremely scared because she knew I was capable of hurting her very badly if I wanted to, she'd already know it's going to get bad sooner or later, and she would've at least tried to have a heart-to-heart conversation with me already, before I went in front of 20,000 people on Ice's stream and made myself look absolutely insane, where she would've told me she's very sorry for making me feel so convinced she loves me but it was all a lie and it'll really never work and she genuinely wishes me the best in life but she can't ever find it in herself to love me so she really doesn't want me to do something so crazy all in the name of love as I was telling her I was. Then see what happens and never waver on her position past that point no matter what.
If you really feel stalked and want someone gone, you don't resist every attempt they make to push you away and stay away. You don't nearly start crying in front of hundreds of people and say you need motivational videos to get out of bed in the morning when they start getting distant. You don't call them the love of your life multiple times when they fight with you, publicly questioning your love for them and even your character as a person. You don't say you want to give up on a serious relationship for the rest of your life without them. You don't say that they make you wet when they call you a goddess and flatter you about how attractive and perfect they think you are.
You don't constantly read essay after essay that they send to you and constantly react in public, even low-key. You don't help them write a huge International Ultimatum even after they call you out in front of 20,000 people in public saying they're tired of your shit but they still love you and they're going to end the world if they can't be with you forever. You don't start expressing that you're theirs and that you don't feel normal or okay without them in your life after. You don't lead them to believe that you're unofficially dating following that. You don't constantly give them opportunities to warm your heart up more and more to having them in your life later on. You don't give them plenty of evidence to defend their position that you gave them plenty of reason to believe you wanted all the attention they gave you and then some. You just don't. Even a complete moron would know this. I think Kimi is smarter than she shows herself to be, and she certainly is smart enough to know this much about interacting with others.
All the idiots calling me a stalker clearly don't think very much before they throw their stupid opinions out into the open. I wonder if they're really so stupid that they think that kind of judgment would ever hold up in court. If this was really stalking, I'd be in a lot more potential trouble than just that. I'm well aware of what harassment, defamation of character, and slander are. But I have plenty of proof that I've had no bad intentions and I'm not being malicious here. I have absolutely no mixed feelings about whether or not I'm in the legal or moral right area here. There's a reason Kimi hasn't taken legal action against me, and it's not because she's scared. She knows very well that I'm not a bad person just because I've done what I did; what would really determine that is how I act moving forward.
I've told Kimi before that if this ends badly, it's going to be purely out of bad intentions from her end and not mine. I meant it completely and I've always been ready to prove it. I'm tired of these games and I'm tired of fighting. I never wanted things between us to be this way and enough is enough. I want to be with Kimi so badly. I want to be able to hold her and comfort her every single day. I want her to feel it well beyond any reasonable doubt that she'll always be my number one priority and that she's absolutely way more precious to me than anything else ever could be.