I mentioned in the beginning that I released an initial version of this book that was much more brutal and that I'd written as such because I felt hopeless.
It really did get me in quite some trouble. Because of some of the dark things I'd written, there was a warrant out for my arrest.
After I saw how Kimi reacted to my public confrontation and seeing that I hadn't gotten the result I'd wanted, I decided to turn myself in to the police and see what happens.
I turned myself in to the cops shortly after I sent Kimi the last message I sent her in 2019, and I was in jail up until April of 2020. There was a warrant out for my arrest because Discord called the cops on me back in August when they banned my account, and I figured that since there's no way we could be together properly if I'm wanted, I had to deal with it.
After turning myself in, the cops told me what I was being charged for exactly. Because of some of the stuff in the initial version of the book, long before it was released, even just from the table of contents leaks I made on Discord, I got charged with two counts of uttering death threats, towards my mother and father.
After I got a lawyer, I asked her why I wasn't charged for threatening a lot more people. She told me it's because there are certain legal criteria something considered a death threat has to fall under to be considered serious, and one significant one is that generally the person should at least live in the same country; since most on the list don't even live in Canada, the "creative expression" factor excludes me from being charged against them. Additionally, the threat should generally be quite specific to a person, and vaguely threatening to destroy the world, no matter how seriously you back the claim up, doesn't actually meet the qualifying criteria for any criminal charges.
A few days after I had been in jail, I was informed they also added a criminal harassment charge against me towards Chloe, for sending her those Facebook messages and meeting her in person that one time after so many years. My lawyer informed me that the crown sees viability in the charge from the sexual harassment charge I had against her back in high school that got dropped but remained on record for having existed; it's seen as reason I should've known she wouldn't want the contact and that I was being "reckless" in contacting her.
I was never with her and have no desire to chase her. I've never even had any real romantic connection with her. I've never dated her and I don't want to. I don't think she ever loved me and I'll never believe otherwise no matter what she does now, not that she has any intention of trying to convince me otherwise anyways as far as I'm aware.
The crown wants me to plead guilty to 12 months for criminal harassment, dropping the uttering death threat charges. My lawyer advised me that we can take it to trial and she wouldn't ask for more than 6 months; it's also possible to try to negotiate for a better deal. I asked her how they could even suggest one should get so much time for such a petty crime. She said that normally I would've gotten maybe a month or two, especially considering I don't have a record nor do I own any guns, but my book is considered an "aggravating factor".
They tried offering me bail early, but I figured I have nothing to rush for on the outside, plus I'd already confirmed the release of the virus, so I decided to stick around in jail for a while and see what's up. I was also serving "dead time"; time you serve before a finding of guilt and a sentencing counts for 1.5 times the days you're actually doing.
COVID-19 was started by some bad food? I certainly hope you're smarter than to believe that shit. It was started intentionally by the Shadow Confederation. They called it FMA-27. I authorized it before I got arrested; it's to serve as a warning shot to Kimi and anyone who wants to doubt my power. The Shadow Confederation happened to also want to do some fuckery with the Chinese economy; that's why they found it quite convenient to choose there to start it. The public health officials just assume some shit that sounds reasonable and feed it to the masses so they don't sound dumb as fuck simply stating "we don't have a clue in fuck why the world is getting fucked in the ass right now". Masses just assume some shit that seems plausible but have no real idea. The Shadow Confederation already had the cure before releasing it into the wild.
The virus isn't strong enough to kill most people that aren't in a considerably compromised immune or general health state, so it's only likely to kill mostly infants, elderly, and those with existing considerable illness, usually lung or heart disease.
Since I'm trying to make my relationship with Kimi work, and the pandemic was intended more as a warning shot than anything else, which it's already clearly seen wide recognition and effect for, I don't mind publicly sharing that I've been told by them that one thing that can treat/cure it in a notable amount of cases is Vicks. Regular nasal application will help with opening the airways and getting rid of the difficulty breathing. If your body gets enough oxygen, the fever and other symptoms also are greatly reduced or eliminated. Other than nasal application, you can also rub it on your chest and the sinus area on your face, and if you want to try to maximize it's helpfulness, you can even go as far as to mix it with water and heat it up to have hot vapor of it to inhale into your lungs, although you should take note that it doesn't directly mix with water well, so there will be oily residue left on any pan or whatever that you might heat it up with water in. Maybe you think it's stupid, but it works. In case you get it, there you go, hopefully it helps you, since it's shown to in several tests conducted by the Shadow Confederation. It has a considerably reduced chance of working if your immune system is compromized, but if you're otherwise healthy, it should help with the symptoms.
Anyways, back to what I was saying.
With the virus being released, I knew I had to try to revise the highly destructive version of the book I'd released into one that actually could result in the healthy and loving relationship with Kimi that I've always wanted and worked so hard towards for so long. However, I knew I wanted to give her space for at least a few months first, so she'd see how it feels when I'm gone and understand if I talk to her again, I'm completely done playing any games.
My detainment was an interesting experience. Some people wanted to fight me, but my calm, mature demeanor earned me respect, and I never actually got into a fight. There were a couple people who's sexuality I had reason to question, but I was certainly not interested in anything from them and was never sexually aggressive with anyone, nor did I ever have to deal with anyone being sexually aggressive towards me. In jail, they call me "Pablo" (for Pablo Escobar; apparently I look Mexican and resemble him with facial hair and when I have short head hair) or "professor" (Because when people asked me what I was in for and I told them I wrote a 467 page book, many got curious and inquired about it more and I gave several people lectures about my knowledge in philopsychology; some laughed and others were visibly super mindfucked).
I made several connections, from small-time drug dealers to major fraudsters and killers. I came out with a bunch of names and numbers, and from that alone, I can now easily participate in fraud for hundreds of thousands, get my hands on pretty much any drug I want, and even know people for things like fake passports/id, guns, kidnapping, hits, etc. It's funny, really. I went in there for piss all and wouldn't have had any connections without the Shadow Confederation, and I've come out more equipped than ever to do crazy shit that even someone too stupid to accept the existence of the Shadow Confederation or quantum energy arts has to respect.
Because of my book, about a month in, the judge also ordered a thorough psychological evaluation at a mental hospital. It ended up lasting 60 days, the legal maximum for such an evaluation. I spent many hours lecturing the psychologists; even they started literally calling our talks lectures. When they gave me general questionnaires, they were impressed I knew about the DSM-5 and literally left speechless when I started just straight up telling them the illnesses I knew each question was testing for before casually giving an answer they could tell I knew wouldn't result in a diagnosis for them. They told me they could see I'm clearly very intelligent and after I gave them "homework" (their words not mine) to read my book, they came back to me and told me I'm a very good writer and the parts they read were very interesting.
Their final conclusion was far from a surprise to me. They told me that based on the DSM-5 criteria of holding beliefs that considerably deviate from the norm, combined with what can be considered as a lack of functioning in a way considered "normal" by society (no formal job, homeless), I could be considered to fall under the classification for "delusional disorder". However, they said that the DSM-5 likes to try to fit people into neat boxes and ultimately it comes to a case-by-case evaluation of an individual; after everything I'd shared with them and how coherent and rational I was about everything, they concluded that they didn't actually think I'm delusional. They also said that they felt honored to have gotten to meet me (I'm not joking; I laughed) and very thankful I was so open and willing to share information for the evaluation.
While at the hospital, they took blood tests the first week, and they asked me if I wanted additional tests for STDs. I specifically mentioned I want to be tested for hep C because I'm worried I might have it, and they said they can run a bunch of other tests for other STDs too, so I said why not. Turns out I don't have hep C (or any other STDs). I asked a nurse how I didn't end up getting it after explaining what happened to me with the guy from the homeless shelter who cut me and wiped his blood on me; the nurse said that often things like that don't actually transmit it because you're bleeding out at the same time the blood is getting near you, so there's a pretty good chance the infected blood won't actually get inside you and infect you.
The legal purpose of the evaluation was to test for the finding of an NCR (Not Criminally Responsible) result of the case, meaning I'd spend time dealing with the mental health system in the mental health hospital instead of the criminal justice system and jail; the judge had literally stated in court that he thought I have mental illness so that's why he was ordering it. Needless to say, I was not qualified for NCR, so I returned to jail after that.
A month later, this pandemic was making the courts nervous to keep people in jail for fear of spreading it, so they started pushing to give more people bail and more easily. I figured that it'd also been a few months since the last message I gave Kimi in 2019, and also the 3 year mark since the first time we met in person, so it was a good time to try to get a clearer picture of things and see what direction my life is going to head; I took bail.
At this point, I've done nearly 4 months in already. That's 6 months with dead time, so there's a good chance I'll already get time served even if I'm found guilty. Even in a worst case scenario, I'd be looking at only 4 more months in (You only have to serve 2/3rds of whatever you're left with at sentencing with good behavior, which isn't a problem for me) or 2 months with parole (which I should be able to get in that case, given my lack of an existing record). I also should be able to get a conditional sentence since my charge is soft, so I'm probably not looking at any more jail time regardless. Because of the pandemic, courts are backed up, and once they start settling down (which probably still won't be for several months), there's even a chance the charges will be straight up dropped since they'll probably start just wanting to dismiss charges that aren't more serious, and ultimately, my charges aren't that serious and I've even served quite some time for them already.
I did some research on how a criminal record affects travel and immigration to the U.S. Even with a guilty conviction, I still won't have a problem there, because the charge is soft. From Wikipedia:
A conviction for a crime involving moral turpitude (CIMT) causes a person to be inadmissible to the United States under section 212(a)(2)(a)(i) of the INA (Immigration and Nationality Act).
If you look at the Wikipedia page, it outlines all the crimes considered involving mortal turpitude. Uttering death threats and criminal harassment are considered petty crimes and don't make an individual inadmissible to the U.S. so regardless of if I'm found guilty of one or even both of those things, that doesn't affect my ability to travel or move there.
I'll never accept being just friends or neutral with Kimi; we're lovers or enemies, whether she likes it or not. I'll make absolutely sure of that.
In jail, I could've been preoccupied with the criminal degenerates surrounding me, the crappy food, the dry air, the suffocating small cell, and the fact that the police seized my phone and laptop that have years of code and documents of various types on them, but all I could really think about everyday was Kimi. I'd wonder if she was worried I just disappeared so suddenly or if she was happy and hoped I was dead. I'd wonder if she started officially dating someone else or was desperately waiting for me to come back to her. I'd wonder if she thought I was actually gone or if I was just trying to give her space and desperately hoping she'd call me back and be with me.
No matter how much I worried or what I worried about though, I never stopped loving her. I truly hope with every bit of my mind, heart, and soul that she finally starts treating me with the love and respect that I deserve and our connection doesn't have to start taking the world down an unfortunate path. She'll always have an extremely special place in my heart, a place nobody else has ever had and never will be able to have. Despite all she's put me through, I still feel this immense tenderness and warmth with every part of me towards her that I can't explain in any way other than that I love her more than words could ever describe. I really don't want to lose that.
If she's set on closing her heart to me forever no matter what I do and therefore wishes the end of the world to come, I suppose there's really nothing I can do about that, but I need to know the truth, because even until now, she's giving me so much reason to remain hopeful that things between us can work out. I was so worried when I wrote that message to her in 2019 before going to jail, and I still am right now, but I love her so much that the only option I see is to keep hoping for the best and that she loves me and will be with me. This whole time, I thought she was the kind of woman that wants to hold me everyday and tell me she never wants to let go. The kind of woman that knows she'll never find someone like me and she'll never really feel okay without me and isn't afraid to show it because she knows I'll always feel the same way about her. The kind of woman that wants to shower me with love and affection because she knows it means a lot to me and I really enjoy receiving it, not just because it's so meaningful and special coming from her, but because I want to shower her with love and affection always and I just need her to make it feel right. The kind of woman that picks very carefully one person to get extremely invested in and will try her best to make it work no matter how challenging it may be at first, because she knows it'll be really worth it in the end. In my heart, I still feel these things, and I truly hope, with everything I've got, that all the negative worries in my mind about her are wrong.
I hope she already knows I'm a very sensitive person inside, like her, and I want her to know that it deeply touched my heart when she expressed that she felt very attached to me. As I told her, I have no problem about her having expressed her feelings in a pretty yandere way. The problem I had was with the cruel and sadistic attitude right after where she basically laughed at me and seemed to just be trying to bait further donations. I told her I need very clear warmth in order to know her feelings are genuine and positive, and I've already told her many times before that I'm not into any of that BDSM shit.
I can understand if she wanted the drama for attention or if she was just really having trouble trusting me at the time, so I don't consider the very real potential for an extremely loving relationship between us over as of this moment, which is why I've decided to complete this revised version of the book and take down the original.
I can understand if she's very worried about losing me and wanted to see how I'd react and if I'd prove I'm really committed. I've always been committed to making our relationship work, and I certainly want her to know that.
I've even gone in and out of jail for this, for us to be able to work. I've now done everything I possibly could do, and it's entirely up to her what the fate of the world will be.
Kimi, remember, no matter what anyone tells you, you are and will forever be queen of the world.
I love you so much. Everyday, I wish I could be holding you and comforting you and telling you I love you. I miss you so much and I need to know once and for all how you really feel. If you don't extremely clearly express intense warmth and affection for me and actively work towards an extremely loving and caring relationship with me, I'm going to have no other option than to accept that things must truly go down an unfortunate path, and in that case, don't bother ever trying to get me back, because our connection will be irreparably fucked up, the world will be ending, and it's all your fault.
If you've been fake to me this whole time and hate me even after I've made your life so much better and loved you so much for so long and in a way you'll never get from anyone else in your life, understand I'll never let it go. I need you to understand that I'm dead serious about everything and that if you truly can't find it in your heart to love me, you really have hurt me so deeply and scarred me in a way that I'll never be able to look at humanity the same. I'll have no option but to change from seeing such a bright future with you to only darkness and destruction with isolation, meditation, and an extremely unfortunate redemption.
Either way, you're going to get what you deserve. After all of this, it should be extremely clear to you that I love you very much. If you're really a loving person that actually loves me a lot but just felt really worried that I don't see it clearly or don't feel the same way, you now can be certain that I see and feel the same way, and you'll get the extremely loving and caring relationship you've always dreamed of with me that you deserve. If you're an insane psychopath future serial killer that for some insane reason hates me even though I've done so much for you and still love you so much even after everything I've been through, you'll get your career, friendships, and life fucked up as you deserve, and I'll start working towards destroying the world; it'll make me extremely sad and angry to have to do that and my whole perception of love being so off that I could so deeply love someone that's so fucked up would make me completely unable to ever trust or love again, leaving me only with the desire to destroy the world.
I need you to understand that I wouldn't be nearly this quick to question your love for me if we actually had a functional relationship. The only reason I'm so worried and have been for so long is because to this day, you haven't even once clearly expressed affection directly towards me; it's always been indirect through music and reactions on stream and social media. I think you can easily understand how the fact that you haven't actually said a word directly to me for over 2 years now is concerning. I don't even have your phone number. I love you immensely, but these things hurt a lot. I want to consider you my girlfriend, but what kind of girlfriend doesn't directly talk to their partner for over 2 years and doesn't even give them her number? I'm not trying to be dishonest. I feel certain you'd be really loving if we were communicating properly, and that's all the more reason it needs to start happening.
I'm truly going to be permanently extremely deeply scarred and absolutely soul crushed if I don't get to be with you, Kimi. I'll truly never be able to trust nor love anyone ever again. I tried my best to make sure you didn't feel like you could just use me for anything, be it money, knowledge, affection, or pleasure. I tried my best to always be as understanding as possible with everything you did. I always came back quickly when we started getting more distant and you expressed that you were hurting without me; I only left you alone a while longer this time because I wanted you to really understand that things are extremely serious and it's time to stop messing around. I always worked towards a fair relationship filled with love and respect and no double standards. I always chose to believe the best in you, no matter how bad the situation seemed, and you always seemed to know just what to do to make me feel like you might really care a lot about this relationship working out.
I've thought about you a lot since the first time we met. I've always known that you're extremely precious to me, and making this relationship work means everything to me. I know it may be hard to believe because of all your worry from our fights and guilt from hurting me and talking bad about me behind my back, but it's true. I've always tried my best to show you I care about you more than anyone and anything else. I've sacrificed so much these past few years to grow as close as possible to you every single day. No matter how you pushed me away, I always came back. I was always paying attention to you and thinking of you. I mean it when I've told you not a day has gone by since we met where I haven't thought of you. While I do sometimes worry you may be a bad person, I always end up feeling this warmth I can't quite explain and it always makes me see the best in you. You've truly become the only light for me in a dark world; please don't take that away.
I wasn't able to watch any of your streams while I was in jail and the mental hospital, but your Twitter accounts say it all.
Why the breakdowns? Therapy? Purple hair? You've very clearly begged for my attention.
I feel like this should be obvious, but I'll spell it out for you, just so you can't say that I didn't make it crystal clear. I'm not pursuing this just because you seemed to be asking for it. I'm pursuing it more than anything else because it's genuinely very much what I actually always wanted to do. Even if you hadn't been having mental breakdowns, went to therapy, and dyed your hair a color you knew I really like while I was gone, I'd still have tried communicating with you and seeing if I could make things work after getting out of jail.
All your behavior that seemed to be calling for me did was make me feel a little more comfortable/confident continuing to pursue you, which I see (and you should see too) as a good thing, especially considering how you can see things have turned out. If you were very resistant to drawing me closer, that just would've made me feel more hopeless and attracted a really bad outcome for both of us and the rest of the world, so you shouldn't regret it or try to backtrack now. I'm already completely committed to you and was before you even did these things. I don't know how you intend to proceed with our connection, but make sure you remember all the facts so you don't end up massively regretting things later.
Don't ever break my heart, otherwise things will be extremely bad. I can't stress it enough. That's what it comes down to. I told you I'll be as patient, understanding, and loving as I need to be, and I mean it.
If you don't start treating me right, I'll have no question in my mind that you never loved me. In that case, I can guarantee you that this is the last time you'll ever get any attention from me that you could ever really enjoy.
I don't regret the struggle. If you were being romantic this whole time and just desperately hoping it'd work out if you tried hard enough, then I feel certain you have a lot of love in your heart to be a wonderful girlfriend and wife. I know that you alone would be enough for me. It's been strange and stressful, but I'm absolutely certain that if ever there could be a woman I'd marry, it could only be you. I've never even wanted to marry a girl before I met you, but I already knew I wanted you as my wife forever from the first time we met.
I've only found myself seeing you more and more attractive, mentally and physically, as time has went on, and your increasing displays of affection when we start getting distant and your clear desire to arouse me have only intensified this attraction I feel towards you. We've both shared some very personal things with each other, and exposed our strengths and weaknesses to each other as our connection has progressed and grown. I know that I feel far closer to you than I ever have and will feel to anyone else, and I wouldn't rather have it any other way. Whether I'm right about you and you love me extremely deeply, or I'm wrong about you and you're a massive psychopath that's beyond real help and probably going to end up a serial killer or committing suicide or some fucked up shit and you won't date me because you're an extremely sadistic and messed up monster and as a result my extremely deepened irredeemable perpetual sorrow will cause me to meditate in isolation and end up destroying the world, I want you to know that I was never being fake to you all these years when I told you from the very beginning that you're my dream woman.