I find it most pertinent to start off by very potently stating that I have some personal information on Kimi I could've leaked that, especially with more aggressive actions from my end pursuing some kind of at least more immediate justice for the extremely predatory behavior I've had to endure having inflicted upon me by Kimi for the past half-decade, very well could result in her getting cancelled, as she should be if she's truly been leading me on all these years, and especially so if she remains as horrifically unapologetic and irredeemable as she would be if she's still even to very recent times been continuing to be extremely fake and blatantly doing repeated defamation of character towards me. This personal information that I have on Kimi is backed by legal paperwork that I obtained as a part of my criminal case disclosure documents during dealing with the criminal charges I dealt with as a result of the release of the initial public revision of my book, and in the event that Kimi makes it painfully clear that she's truly an extremely predatory, completely irredeemable unapologetic psychopath that never loved me, never will love me, and completely deserves having The Great Retribution exacted upon her and everyone she loves in the future, I most certainly plan to release this irrefutable evidence that backs my assertions in regards to this personal information I assert that I have.
However, as of the present moment, Kimi is still going out of her way to give me very clear reason to retain at least some degree of hope that she does actually love me and have intention to end up making things right and starting to actually properly date me and start to much more healthily reciprocate the extremely warm and loving feelings that I've been trying to do everything within my power to show her I have for her for the past half-decade and continue to even to this day. I love her far too much to leak this personal information I have on her a moment too soon.
The possibility that I'd just end up getting the narrative spun on me yet again, and have an even greater positive impact on her life at the further detriment to my own life if I tried harder to bring the truth to light, in this extremely fucked up world where the truth is punished and lies are rewarded, is one I will simply have to accept. In such a case, I guess I'll just have to let her try to enjoy whatever's left of her drastically shortened life instead, to whatever extent she can after I've done as much damage as I reasonably can to it in every way I possibly can without too much effort. Good job society, in so ridiculously insanely supporting and facilitating a completely unhinged, irredeemable, unapologetic, extremely predatory massive psychopath. Fuck you all. But for now, whether or not that will happen, or if things will even reach such an unfortunate point in the first place that I'd leak this information, remains to be seen. I truly hope with all of my mind, heart, and soul that it does not reach that point.
The rest of this statement is addressed to Kimi, and I could've just e-mailed it to her privately to one of her personal e-mail addresses that I'm absolutely certain she checks literally daily if for no other reason than to see if she has messages from me, but I'm sharing this publicly in the interest of proving my sincerity. Direct links to Twitch VODs will be replaced with Google Drive links once they expire off Twitch. Of course, I save all of the relevant ones as evidence.
Kimi, it seems that perhaps my efforts actually might finally be paying off to some extent after all. You really seem to have been thinking about this a whole lot, because you surprise me yet again. I still don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing. But you should already damn well know I'm going to make sure I find out the irrefutable truth. Like I've said many times before, I don't talk shit.
If I say I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure you know my feelings properly and I make sure I can never regret leaving even the slightest bit of room for you to even reasonably attempt to deny you were never really willing to spend your life with me regardless of the effort I put in, I'm going to fucking do it. And if you end up showing me otherwise, then I'm not complaining... I mean what I've been saying about wanting to be with you and make things work. When I'm harsher with you, I'm not trying to be overly negative and toxic; I'm just trying to show you that I'm doing my best to stay what you appear to be attempting to show me is realistic, and show you that you shouldn't try to fuck around with my feelings, which you know extremely well I have overwhelmingly good reason to be extremely worried that you might be trying to do with anything that you do at this point with the situation between us as it is.
In case you haven't realized it by now, I REALLY don't like it when people try to fuck around with my feelings. I mean, I've told you plenty of times, but I'll say it again. I haven't been putting in the kind of effort into this connection with you with any degree of enjoying being fucked with whatsoever. I truly want to marry you and spend my life with you, and I always have.
Before doing the usual thing and linking part after part and going in and giving my perspective on a bunch of shit you've said and done in more recent times, I'd like to start by saying that I didn't realize how much I missed watching your streams. It's actually been really nice hearing your voice again and seeing the effect that I have on you. It's really cute and relaxing watching you play with Snowball too. I might end up watching all of all your streams again after all. I don't know... I won't make promises. But I might. I'll definitely keep watching at least a good chunk of the beginnings, because I know that you know I don't like to miss any important dialogue where you might be sharing shit I'd care to know about.
So, don't really have much to say about this part, and it's definitely one of the weaker points I address here, but I figure I'll throw it in nonetheless. I guess you could be saying you're not rich "yet" as some kind of optimism that you'll randomly pop off hard as fuck and become ultra famous or something, or maybe whatever business idea you've been working on might be super successful, but somehow it seems like there's more to it than that, especially when taking into consideration so much of the other shit that I'm addressing here.
I guess it kinda shows me that you have money on your mind in general, and it feels like you're trying to say you're intrigued at my professional prospects that you likely got excited about even just seeing the screenshot I shared with you in the last message. The very next part I address further strengthens this suspicion to me.
I want to make sure I once again reiterate explicitly that I'm completely unwilling to ever really embrace fame without a proper healthy romantic and sexual relationship with you. I'm only doing the work I'm doing now to prove my point that I never needed your or anyone else's help to become professionally successful, and to make it even more painfully clear that my pursuit of a relationship with you never had anything to do with professional prospects that being with you might open up for me. Whatever fame I may get, I may just do the bare minimum to maintain a game server for whatever community that might form around the result of my efforts, which also should provide me with plenty sufficient money to pursue quantum energy harvesting meditation in isolation in pursuit of The Great Retribution in quite cozy comfort, if you won't start having a proper relationship with me before it's too late for me to believe you have sincere feelings and intentions towards me.
Of course, I most certainly do not encourage gold-digging behavior, and you should already know I won't tolerate you leaving me under any circumstances if you do choose to start having a proper relationship with me before it's too late, and certainly not after trying to use me for a bunch of financial and/or professional gain. But I'll try to avoid being too negative about your possible thoughts and intentions in saying things like what you've said here. Staying more positive about it, it might suggest that you can see me being rich in my future, and you're excited about being with me to share in enjoying that richness and likely significantly contributing to the level of success I'd ultimately see if we ended up together before it's too late, and that it'd add meaning to you to be willing to commit to spending your life with me.
Of course, this becomes increasingly difficult to believe the more fame and money comes my way. I can't set any arbitrary deadlines or cut-off thresholds here, as I'll have to feel it out, but I think for someone as obsessed with what other people think as you are, I feel quite sure you should be able to at least reasonably gauge when you come off sincere and when it just becomes blatant fuckery trying to put me in a really difficult spot that you know won't come off sincere to me and is just a slimeball attempt to guilt-trip me away from exacting The Great Retribution on you and everyone you love in the future, and I'm already telling you now that it's certainly not going to work at all nor end well for you if you're going to try fuckery in this regard.
Hmm... What a strange coincidence that it just so happens that the Minecraft launcher is the very first icon in the top left corner of your desktop. You've explicitly stated that TFT is the only game you really play these days, and yet it's definitely not the Riot client launcher icon for TFT that you play so much, which is clearly several icons down.
Very strange, since you don't seem to play Minecraft very much. Even stranger since I literally just very recently started talking about the Minecraft mod I'm working on and shared a screenshot in a recent message shared with several of your associates proving I'm making rapid progress...
You obviously knew you were going to give a little room tour, which obviously would involve pointing your camera at your monitor at least at some point. Not to mention that it's pointed at your monitor a lot while showing Snowball.
You always try with the subtle details. A normal person wouldn't even notice this and that it literally doesn't make any sense given the image you portray in public, nor would they know of the significance it carries given behind-the-scenes context. But you obviously knew I'd notice. And of course, I'd see meaning in it.
You're really going hard with this gaslighting me that I have a chance with you thing, huh? ... Unless?
Not sure who this person is. Not going to waste my time speculating or obsessing. There are likely multiple such people in reality. Will instead spend my time wisely, carefully informing anyone that it might include of what kind of person you really are and what kind of person they're messing with if they don't watch themselves around the love of my life.
Alright, so, if you had any shred of honesty in what you were saying here, you must be talking about George, because me and you have very clearly never actually dated, so it's a blatant misrepresentation of our connection for you to try to say that I dumped you and said it was because I wasn't good enough. I've also never expressed any problem with cats whatsoever, so that'd be yet another blatant lie. On the other hand, I can definitely see George realizing he's not good enough for you after I shared with him even just some of the details of how hard I've been trying to get to be with you, and I can totally see him not wanting a cat in his house as well. This definitely can't be Peter, since Peter literally has multiple cats of his own, and therefore definitely cannot have been against cats.
The thing that really doesn't sit well with me to believe you're referring to George here is that you state that the person breaking up with you is the reason you've entered your "hoe phase" (which would just mean you're being more honest in public about how much of a hoe you're being that you've always been since even before I met you, so it's more of a fucking lifestyle than a "phase" for you at this point). You and George broke up quite some time ago, and yet you've only much more recently stated you are "now" in your "hoe phase", meaning this is a very recent development. So, as strange as this is, there's a very high chance you're not referring to George here either. So if you're most likely not referring to George, and you're definitely not referring to Peter, and there's definitely no way you took one of your many random flings so seriously that one you've recently had caused you to feel so devastated you decide to snap and start to publicly embrace talking about dating people that you even wish to publicly acknowledge seeing yourself as a hoe for dating, then that only realistically leaves you saying this shit intending it to be talking about me.
Wow. Alright. So now you went from lowkey calling me a stalker to lowkey calling me your ex. How strange, you know, that it seems I'm always either a stalker or your ex, but NEVER ACTUALLY FUCKING DATING YOU. We've never had sex, never even kissed, you haven't even talked to me directly in nearly 4 years, but I'm your ex any time I try to call you out for quite painfully clearly appearing to have been an extremely predatory unapologetic irredeemable heartless psychopath that was extremely cruelly leading me on and trying to ruin my reputation and life and drive me to suicide throughout the past 5 years. So you're constantly consistently blatantly inflicting defamation of character upon me whether I'm nice to you or mean to you or I'm extremely actively communicating with you or I get more distant with you. So I get the worst of the worst and the worst of the best and there's never anything I can do that goes anywhere good yet I'm the toxic one. Lovely.
Fuck you. And you'd better know damn well that you deserve to hear that.
So, this is the how many-ith time now that you've lowkey called me your ex in public after you're such a cold distant bitch to me that you forcefully push me away? I've lost count, because you've done this shit so many fucking times that we should've been married like 5 "breakups" ago. According to you, we're never dating, but I'm your ex whenever you feel like it? What the fuck is this, Kimi?
I can't even call this a fucking red flag; it's just straight up fucking extremely psychotic behavior that only completely validates every single assertion I've been making about the truth of you being an extremely fucked up irredeemable piece of shit psychopath if you don't extremely clearly irrefutably plan to make things better and start properly officially dating me soon before it's truly too late and I actually just completely give up all hope and just accept doing quantum energy harvesting meditation in isolation in preparation for exacting The Great Retribution on you and everyone you love in the future.
Since it appears it makes most sense to believe this was intended as some kind of yet again narrative twisting, and you're trying to act like we've secretly been together but I'm dumping you and I'm saying I'm not good enough as an excuse or something, well, I certainly can't let that fly. You should know damn fucking well by now how much I love you and how badly I want to marry you and spend my life with you. This shit you're doing is extremely insulting and hurtful and you'd damn well better believe I'm not going to just watch as you try to do this to me.
First of all, as much as I want to be with you, and as obvious as the romantic aspect of our connection should be to any even remotely sane person, it neither feels right nor makes sense to me to ever call our connection "dating". You literally haven't spoken a word directly to me in nearly 4 years, and this indirect communication shit that you've been craving shitless to the point of having multiple literal mental breakdowns in public every time I've given you space is not "dating". It's just an extremely strange romantic connection that you've been way too fucking toxic to see in any truly healthy way or act towards in any truly healthy way for so many years now.
Second, I've NEVER said I think I'm not good enough for you. I know I'm PLENTY good enough for you. I'm MORE than good enough for you, in fact. You should feel eternally incomparably blessed to have someone of my caliber having such precious feelings towards you, and being such an irreplaceable potential life partner for you that you've somehow managed to captivate the attention of and earn the loyalty and love and respect from despite your extremely toxic and fucked up behavior towards me for so long, to the point that you've become the deciding factor on whether I'm going to be a positive and constructive force in this world or the extremely brutal heartless dictator of the world that kills and destroys for fun. What I HAVE been saying is that YOU and your jackass fucking associates seem to THINK I'm not good enough, despite all the evidence to the contrary. I've said this in no fucking uncertain terms, so it's pretty blatant fuckery for you to suggest I don't think I'm good enough for you.
And I just KNOW you're going to once again try to spin shit on me and act like now you're not good enough for me, despite the fact that I've told you several times before that I certainly see you as good enough for me. So before you try any of that fuckery with me again, I'm going to stop you right now. Stop bullshitting. We both know that you know very well that you're truly an eternally incomparably perfectly voluptuous goddess of my wildest fantasies and that's never changing. If you weren't, I never would've tried so hard to have a meaningful and healthy relationship with you. I never would've taken 5 fucking years of my life I could've been doing quantum energy harvesting meditation in isolation and already been an extremely brutal, cruel, heartless dictator of the world that killed and destroyed for fun and just had my way however brutally necessary with any woman I ever wanted, to instead try to have an extremely meaningful and serious consensual romantic and sexual relationship with you intended to result in marriage and spending our lives together.
If I didn't truly find you so eternally incomparably sexy or didn't genuinely want a healthy relationship with you so badly, I would've already just stopped caring about any kind of reputation damage you did anyways, and either just moved on and continued game dev and streaming long before reaching the point of writing a huge book threatening The Great Retribution if you won't spend your life with me and getting permed off Twitch as a result, and then started meditation in isolation in preparation for being an extremely brutal heartless dictator of the world after perhaps seeing some success there, or I would've just said fuck it all and outright started meditation in isolation and continued in completely silent resent towards you until I became that extremely brutal heartless dictator of the world and made you regret you were ever born and certainly that you ever rejected me, regardless of whatever mental breakdowns you might have had, and ESPECIALLY after seeing how you reacted after I continued to try to make things work after the first one you had.
Third, if you're going to try to claim I'm "dumping" you, how the fuck is it dumping if I'm literally saying I haven't lost all faith in humanity yet and I still have some hope that you'll start treating me properly before it's too late? How is it dumping if I'm literally just saying I'll give you space under circumstances you've blatantly made it extremely painfully obvious that you clearly need it? How is it dumping if I'm still telling you I'm giving you a chance to make things better and I'd love to hear from you any time and even encourage you to reach out to me in the near future? If anything, it's YOU "dumping" ME. What the fuck even is this fuckery?
You've made it clear that you're definitely heading down a path of having more mental breakdowns if I'm too distant with you. You're definitely planning to lose your shit if you see me achieve even a fraction of the kind of professional success I'm no longer at all hesitating to make it increasingly clear to you and your associates I'm more than capable of. You clearly want to continue to get updates on my progress. You could've just asked nicely instead of being an extremely fake toxic bitch and literally doing illegal defamation of character digging yourself an even deeper grave and giving me even more ammunition to attempt to pursue getting you cancelled in the future, you know. But hey, I suppose I shouldn't complain too much. More ammunition to prove you're an extremely predatory irredeemable unapologetic psychopath piece of shit if you won't start properly officially dating me before it's too late and I truly give up all hope on ever having a healthy relationship with you.
I'd only been putting the banners on my site up the way I was before, appearing completely hopeless, because I knew that otherwise, your fucking fame and your gigantic ego that is facilitated to grow by it leaves me in a position where you don't really give a flying fuck to take things even remotely seriously otherwise. If you're going to continue to really give me hope this aggressively, I certainly haven't truly given up all hope yet, and whether or not I should truly give up all hope and actually most intensely pursue The Great Retribution will be determined before the end of this year once and for all. If you want to take things as otherwise despite this, for whatever stupid reasoning you have, like feeling too hurt over me telling you the facts of how fucked up of a piece of shit you are if you don't straighten up and start treating me properly before it's too late, then you're just fucking blatantly gaslighting and trying to guilt-trip me, and that shit isn't going to work.
In that case, fuck you. Just fuck you. Burn in hell, and I hope you enjoy the rest of your drastically shortened life before the time of The Great Retribution comes, with all the emotional, mental, personal, professional, physical, and otherwise damage to your life that I will completely unapologetically inflict upon you for being such a fucking horridly predatory fake piece of shit to me for so long.
I really hope this is just your way of saying you're actually this devastated of even the mere possibility of me ever actually giving up all hope on making a healthy relationship with you work, and you truly can see yourself ending up spending our lives together, and starting to date me properly and have a much healthier relationship with me before it's truly too late. But again, you have to realize there is a very clear limit to this, Kimi. You really can't keep fucking pretending like this. You're walking a very fine line here, and if you don't actually shape up and start treating me much better soon, this facade you're putting on will crash and burn even much harder as a result of this behavior. I hope you realize that. Because if anyone here is going to be exposed as a fake and a liar, it's not me. Because I'm not fucking fake and I haven't fucking been lying about ANYTHING.
What will you do in the end? Will you date me and treat me with the love and respect I deserve from you? Or make it truly painfully obvious you deserve The Great Retribution being exacted upon you and everyone you love in the future?
I'm dying to know.
Alright, I see you. Casually deciding to reapply lipstick right after talking about Hachu. Clearly trying to make me jealous.
I suppose you might possibly be trying to communicate some kind of genuine romantic interest towards women in general as well, since you know I've told you about being transgendered and expressed concern over that being one reason I feel you'd never really love me. I've told you this about myself years ago, so I know it's far from new information to you, and you've chosen to continue to show me affection how you have the whole time regardless, so I was never really sure what you thought about it. If this was some kind of attempt to be sensitive towards my concerns in this regard, I appreciate it. If it was just some kind of jab at me to try to make me feel jealous and upset, fuck you.
I don't have much to say about this, but I wanted to make sure you knew that I noticed. I mean, I'm quite sure you knew I'd notice regardless, but still.
Oh? You feel bad about yourself, do you? Then why do you keep acting the way you do?
You mention that you find it really difficult to cope with emotions. You say that feeling emotions is really hard for you, and you consider yourself to be good at talking about your feelings but much less so at actually feeling them... Whatever that means exactly. Everyone's different, I get that. But I'd say that both feeling your feelings, as well as talking about them, are skills that you can improve through practice and experience.
Personally, I find it equally easy to both feel my feelings as well as talk about them. That's certainly through no lack of having harsh or dark emotions at times either. I've just reached the point where I know I've focused enough on my mental health throughout my life that I completely understand why I feel any dark emotions that I have, and I can process and accept that I deserve to have those emotions towards whoever I may have them towards. They must've done something horrible to me, that they never end up redeeming themselves for, if it reaches the point that I know those dark emotions will permanently persist. While they are present but I'm not certain if they will be permanent, I definitely take plenty adequate periods of time throughout my days, as much as I feel necessary, to intentionally feel the feelings I have and work through what exactly it is I'm feeling, why I'm feeling it, and what I'm doing about it already and/or going to do about it moving forward.
You know what I do if I ever feel bad about myself? I fucking fix whatever the fuck it is that makes me feel bad about myself. And then I don't feel bad about myself anymore. Like magic. I know, who would've known, right? Actually dealing with your issues properly is the fucking solution to them. Wow. Amazing.
I think a really big, important part of it is knowing that you're doing it for yourself and nobody else. I feel like you have a lot of difficulty grasping this concept. It's not being selfish. It's not selfish to love yourself enough to not embrace acting in a really self-destructive way. It's not selfish to not want to be suicidal and just let life carry you down that path until you actually take your own life. It's just called caring about your life, and not letting the shitty judgments of others control you.
I swear to fucking God, on my life, on anything and everything you could ever believe in, if you're actually going to fucking commit to "dumping" me and act like I'm the one leaving you and leaving you devastated, while in reality you're doing that to me and actually not really giving a flying fuck how badly you're hurting me, I want you to understand clearly how I will treat you and all of your associates leading up to The Great Retribution...
You'd best damn fucking believe that I'll NEVER accept an apology from you IN ANY WAY if you bring it to the point where it's too late and I'm famous and actually doing quantum energy harvesting meditation in isolation in preparation for exacting The Great Retribution. You and all of your associates are just completely royally fucked beyond help at that point and there's no going back. You would've made your decision to go down the dark path with me, and you'll have to live the rest of your drastically shortened life dealing with the consequences.
You think you feel bad about yourself now? You've barely scratched the surface of how bad you're gonna feel about yourself under those circumstances. You'll probably end up committing suicide. And if you don't, I'll make sure at the time of The Great Retribution that you truly and fully with every part of your being wish you did.
And no, I don't feel bad about myself at all for permanently maintaining that position.
So, based on the way you describe what kind of content creator you want to be and how you find most meaning in it, you're pretty much confirming that I've been HEAVILY inspiring you throughout the years, and pretty clearly displaying why you've had serious mental breakdowns in public every time I've been more distant with you on several occasions now. Especially since literally right up until I came into your life, you were literally just a League of Legends streamer that literally only turned on your stream and played League of Legends from beginning to end. That's a pretty drastic shift into supposedly finding deep meaning in human connection and growth that you've had since after I came into your life.
Not too much more I can say about this at this point, I suppose. It just goes to show how much effort I've put, how deep the effect of my efforts truly has been on your life, and how clearly I deserve to be with you much more than anyone else in your life ever will. Although, I should take this opportunity to say quite clearly that if this was intended as some kind of passive-aggressive extremely psychotic unapologetic jab to basically underhandedly laugh in my face that you've acted extremely predatory towards me all this time and you think you're just going to get away with it, you're SEVERELY mistaken.
You mention "previously" having no boundaries, stating that "otherwise people get a little too invested". Makes it sound like MASSIVE minimizing of the EXTREMELY permanently damaging predatory as fuck psychotic unapologetic irredeemable behavior you have been and continue to display to this very day towards me if you have no intention to ever make things right and start spending your life with me before it's too late. First of all, anyone with half a brain can tell I'm FAR beyond "a little" invested in making this work. Second of all, anyone with half a brain can also tell that you VERY clearly knew EXACTLY what you were doing this whole time that you've constantly been encouraging and facilitating continued and increased investment from me all these years.
You also express that you think it's fine "as long as you don't overshare too much". In general, yeah, this certainly makes sense and sounds right. However, if this was intended as some kind of implication that you think you're fine and you can ultimately just laugh off this situation as long as you don't aggressively call me out in public, you're once again SEVERELY mistaken.
So, you say you "never let yourself really enjoy life". Yeah, having an active ego does that, especially in an environment like the one you're in where you're famous and held to high standards and constant scrutiny from the public eye, along with pressure you'd likely feel as a result of seeing your also highly successful peers pushing themselves, and a sense of guilt for perhaps not working as hard as they are or producing content you feel is of as high or higher quality than they are. Tons of comparison and judgement and constant short-sighted goal-setting while rarely if ever being encouraged to really take a step back and ask yourself why you're really doing it all or where you really want to go 5, 10, 20, 50, 100 years from now. Society's general inclination to try to drown out your emotions with shallow surface-level dopamine and serotonin rush experiences certainly only exacerbates the problem.
Your goal of just seeking out more dopamine and serotonin rush experiences certainly doesn't seem very promising, at least from my perspective, that you're going to make meaningful, deep, healthy, positive change for the better. It sounds like you just plan to even more aggressively be the same way you've been, just trying to be better at manipulating the public and everyone around you into believing you're a good person while attempting to suppress all the evidence of and attention towards the horrid morally reprehensible extremely predatory behavior you've been inflicting upon me for the past several years as much as you possibly can.
You sound like you're ridiculously guilt and shame-ridden with how you describe feeling like "if you hurt someone's feelings, you didn't deserve to enjoy life". That sounds horribly unpleasant. You don't end up lacking being deserving of enjoying life if you hurt someone's feelings... You'll often hurt people's feelings unintentionally, perhaps because they're having a bad day, or they misinterpret something you say or do, or by accident through something unintentionally hurtful that you knew could be hurtful but didn't mean in a hurtful way, or even just because they're just a hypersensitive little bitch that gets insulted and offended extremely easily at practically anything and is just looking for an excuse to hold toxic attitudes and engage in toxic behavior by generalizing people's behavior by for example calling them "inconsiderate" over any little thing they do and feeling completely justified in acting horribly towards them despite drastically redeeming qualities and behavior they constantly display to you.
It's not hurting people's feelings that makes you undeserving of enjoying life; it's genuinely being a fucking toxic piece of trash psychopath that's actually extremely inconsiderate, cruel, psychotic, suicidal, narcissistic, and in denial of the piece of shit that you really are that makes someone undeserving of enjoying life. Not because of any kind of moral judgement, but because you simply objectively factually will be unable to truly enjoy life under such a mind-numbingly fuckery-filled attitude and lifestyle. It's also quite hilarious, I think, that you claim that therapy has already helped you achieve this, yet it's literally your primary goal and the first thing that comes to your mind when you think of what you want to achieve this year.
You REALLY need to take a good, hard look at yourself, Kimi. Your perspective on life is seriously fucked. You're insanely dishonest, even with yourself, and you delusionally think that somehow that'll always work out fine whenever it really counts, just because it usually has worked out fine for you so far in life in general. Maybe that is indeed true for many things in life, but you need to pay close attention to the word "many". Just hoping things will sort themselves out will most certainly NOT work for all things in life, and in fact, people often think that it does when in reality they're just repressing their issues and the emotional impact they've had on them, and think that's a "solution", while in reality, those issues are resurfacing while manifesting in different ways, perhaps even very often, but the effects are being ignored using fallacious reasoning and confirmation bias.
I guess maybe I can consider myself lucky in a way that my life was so fucking horribly nightmarish ever since I was young that I learned very early on never to rely on things to simply work themselves out, although whether my life is ultimately cursed as fuck regardless is yet to be seen. Even if I end up lonely and extremely unhappy as the extremely brutal heartless dictator of the world, I think it's worth noting that nobody fucking becomes as smart and powerful as me by being dishonest with themselves and trying to rely on things to work themselves out somehow regardless of the degree of dishonesty, and the end result of the state I'm left in regardless of your final decision in this situation is most certainly not necessarily a result of any kind of negligence on my part. In fact, all the evidence has been and continues to be proving to the contrary.
Believe it or not, no matter how much trouble you might have grasping this, it's still true. If you have difficulty understanding how or why something is true, that doesn't automatically mean the thing in question is false. A personal or collective lack of understanding isn't enough to render a claim invalid. Believing or asserting otherwise is known as the personal incredulity fallacy.
You know, in the past, when you said little shit like this, I'd kind of overlook it and actually just think you're completely joking. But the more I've gotten to know you and think about the kind of character you've been increasingly opening up about being inside, I think it makes a lot of sense to believe you really are a lot more insecure than you appear, and you actually do think you're lame. I don't know if this is some self-pity fishing for compliments type of thing, but I'll address it anyways. You're not lame; at least not to me. I've never even said that to you once, nor have I ever thought it. I didn't think you were lame before and I don't think you're lame now.
I have a feeling that this feeling you have comes from the shift from more extrovertedness to introvertedness that you talk about later. What I will say is that I most certainly would never dump someone over "thinking they're lame", and most certainly not someone I've gotten so immensely invested in having a healthy relationship with as you. What the fuck kind of shit is that? Not only do I have such an intense emotional connection with you, but it's absolutely ridiculous to even suggest that an eternally incomparably perfectly voluptuous goddess of my wildest fantasies would get abandoned by me because she doesn't have some super exciting personality.
Come on, Kimi. This bullshit isn't going to fly. Even as far as your appearance goes, you could fucking gain 50 pounds and I'd still call you an eternally incomparably perfectly voluptuous goddess of my wildest fantasies.
Unless you end up morbidly obese, you'll forever turn me on unlike anyone else could ever even dream of. I've already told you that there's literally only one person that could ever rival your beauty to any even remotely significant extent in my eyes, and even then, only in her own way. If you seriously think "being lame" could EVER override such immense sex appeal you have to me, you're seriously, like, beyond insecure. At that point, it starts to just come off as some kind of disingenuous gaslighting and guilt-tripping as if I don't shower you with compliments enough, which isn't going to work. You SIMPLY CANNOT genuinely be THAT insecure about my affection towards you and yet THIS resistant to a proper relationship with me.
LMFAOOO. I fucking died seeing this part. You've got to be fucking joking. You've just got to be. You can't seriously believe THIS kind of a clown ass fucking response to being high maintenance is actually anything even remotely resembling a good one under the set of circumstances you find yourself in at this point. You really can't be so stupid. Are you?
Perhaps if you consider "high maintenance" to be in regards to purely physical needs and specifically exclusively from a material possession perspective, then sure, you're only high maintenance to yourself and probably not a high maintenance girlfriend, since you're wealthy enough to just buy yourself anything you really want reasonably as far as material possessions go. But that's only one, narrow definition of what "high maintenance" means. It's also likely only been that way so far in your life because you simply haven't had the opportunity to be with someone wealthy enough and willing to shower you with gifts or give you the opportunity to have large purchases authorized by them, otherwise you'd probably be high maintenance in that regard too.
Requiring a lot of work/attention to maintain a relationship with you and/or requiring a high emotional investment in a relationship with you are also very much part of a proper, whole definition of what it means to be "high maintenance".
Considering that you literally have had only really dysfunctional and almost exclusively also quite short-term romantic relationships with literally every single romantic prospect in your entire life except me (and even with me it's been dysfunctional, but only because you've been insanely toxic literally the whole time), and I've had to put an absolutely insane amount of effort, attention, AND ridiculously high emotional investment, and EVEN STILL WE'VE NEVER EVEN BEEN FUCKING ACTUALLY ANYTHING EVEN TRULY RESEMBLING DATING... Yeah, you're fucking STUPIDLY high maintenance.
Don't lie to yourself. You're probably doomed to die alone if you won't spend your life with me. And that's of course putting aside the fact that you would've drastically shortened your life as a result of having The Great Retribution being exacted upon you within a few years in that case anyways. I'm not saying this to be mean; I'm literally telling you simply an obvious observation I've made from getting to know you as well as I have throughout the past 5 years. All of your associates probably care too much about being "nice" to you to tell you shit like this, but you really need to hear it. You need to wake the fuck up.
You're so fucking high maintenance that if I wasn't still trying so ridiculously fucking hard to make my connection with you work, you'd likely end up getting cancelled, and you might've already committed suicide or be getting rapidly closer to reaching that point every day. And if I didn't genuinely love you so fucking much that I wanted to try to do everything in my power to avoid that unfortunate outcome, you'd already be silently dying inside more every day, regardless of whether or not you ended up committing suicide before having The Great Retribution exacted upon you.
Where do you think this fakeness is going to end you up, Kimi? Really. I feel like I care about you more than you care about yourself.
There's a reason I keep telling you that you're suicidal, you know. You literally are. It hurts me so much to see you like this.
Alright, so I find this quite an interesting choice of dialogue. Clearly, you don't find just anyone that can "simply exist" to be an appealing romantic partner. People can "simply exist" and be massive assholes and genuinely pieces of trash.
Putting it quite simply, I think it's far from a stretch to see that the implication you're making here is that if I'm truly willing to give you time to reflect further on my feelings towards you and the state of this situation, and allow myself to simply exist the way I am in your life, without completely giving up all hope on ever having a healthy relationship with you and aggressively trying to destroy your career, relationships, and life completely in the nearer future despite you continuing to be distant and not directly communicating with me at all, then you want to date me before it's too late to ever seem truly sincere in any loving and warm feelings you express towards me. In general, a high level of enlightenment is often understood as being very good at "simply existing", so it only further seems like what you're talking about here is someone that's truly at a high level of enlightenment. Which I clearly fall under and feel no reason to hesitate on expressing my confidence in regards to being.
Someone truly at a high level of enlightenment eliminates a lot of the brain clutter most people have, because active ego fuels that shit. Eliminating active ego eliminates all that bullshit from your head. I don't stress about being insecure or coming off a certain way that people might not like me or receive what I'm saying properly, because I have the level of awareness of myself and life in general to the point that I know exactly why I'm doing the things I'm doing, and that I'm critically thinking through the best way to try to go about achieving my goals, and that anyone that doesn't like it, that's not really my problem. My problem is maximizing my chances of success in my goals. Which I already know I'm doing.
Really, this bit just came off to me like you're yet again admitting you're extremely jealous that I'm super enlightened, and that you find it really attractive and appealing as a quality in a romantic partner. You apparently feel this way, yet you're still being so fake and distant if that's the case. So why? You really need to figure your shit out, Kimi. You know how they say even most adults don't really know what they're doing most of the time? Fake it until you make it kinda thing, right?
Well, I'm not like most adults.
Now, I think it's pretty obvious that you're quite jealous of the caliber of my character, regardless of if you actually have really warm romantic feelings towards me or not. Now, you either actually find me really hot for being the way I am, or this is just some kind of really fucked up excuse to be extremely toxic and hateful towards me and try to justify your extremely predatory unapologetic behavior that makes you a completely irredeemable psychopath completely deserving of having The Great Retribution you have coming being exacted upon you and everyone you love in the future.
It's acceptable if you feel envy towards me for being such a boss and the highest degree of savage possible. I mean, I guess I'm envious that you have such an amazing body, so we both have something we're envious of each other for, I suppose. It's not acceptable if you want to try to bring me down and ruin my life and drive me to suicide instead of actually love me properly and try to learn and grow with me in a healthy way, much the same way it's not acceptable if I wanted to kill you to somehow take over your body as my own. Is this making any sense to you?
And for the record, I have never had any desire to do such a thing. Of course, it's impossible anyways, but that's besides the point.
It was you saying this that really made me feel like maybe I might actually be getting too negative about my chances of getting to have a healthy relationship with you. I don't know if you're just gaslighting the shit out of me or if this comes from a sincere place, but I want you to know how I really feel regardless, especially since it's not like I have anything to lose at this point.
I can understand that I'd perhaps be too negative to feel like you'd definitely pick Peter over me simply because he seems like an "easier", "safer", or more "natural" choice for you. Maybe you really won't think that way if I show you I really do want to be with you as much as I've been saying I do. It certainly sounds like you're implying that that's the case with multiple things you've said in this stream.
You have to realize that there's a clear difference between digging for problems and recognizing when there obviously is something that has sufficiently considerable reason for concern as a potential problem. I've NEVER been digging for problems and trying to find them where they're not there in our connection. I definitely have and will continue to, however, accept and appropriately acknowledge when something gives me what I'd consider sufficiently reasonable cause for concern as a current or potential future problem. It's noticing, addressing, and dealing with such things that forms the foundation for a truly healthy and long-lasting relationship. Something that Kippo's "relationship expert" should surely know, no?
As far as what you describe as "getting obsessed easily but also getting bored easily", most people just call that trying different things in life as you grow, to see which interests last and which you grow out of or lose interest in for one reason or another. Perhaps you call it obsession because you go more intensely at it than most, and then call it getting bored quickly because you're looking at it in comparison to your obsession instead of from a wider perspective of looking at your life circumstances as a whole. But the most interesting part to me is how you talk about committing to one person, less than one minute after starting to talk about this topic.
Your exact words were "I can't even commit to, like, one person to date. But I'm not sure if that's my fault or not; maybe that's just bad RNG."
Well, from my perspective, this appears to imply that you're looking for that person to commit to dating, and you've been trying to reach the point where it feels appropriate, but you're saying it's not happening because it seems like nobody you want to commit to actually wants to commit to dating you back.
Listen, you seriously need to get your head out of your ass. I know you have an eternally incomparably perfectly voluptuous goddess butt of my wildest fantasies, and you know I masturbate profusely to it every single day extremely consistently, but your head does not belong inside of it.
I already know for absolutely certain that if you don't end up with me, you're not indecisive about committing to dating someone because of "obsessing easily and getting bored easily". The reality is you're looking for someone that's fucking insanely excelling in every single way you can imagine, someone that's extremely physically attractive, extremely intelligent, extremely wealthy, extremely famous, has an inherently extremely compatible personality with yours where you just get along wonderfully from the beginning and never have any serious conflicts, and treats you like a queen and a goddess, to your exact liking enough to flatter you incomparably but also never come off at all "creepy", will tolerate all of your toxicity inhumanly gracefully while showering you with gifts and compliments and never even so much as suggesting they have reason to complain or worry that you're arrogant, spoiled, egotistical, or have any real, serious, dangerous flaws and issues that you need to address properly and fix to be a truly mentally healthy human being capable of being in a truly healthy romantic relationship that lasts, and has some unrealistically fairy tale-like relationship with you that's your idea of perfect in every way.
You have the literal fucking ruler of the world madly in love with you and extremely committed to making a relationship with you work and last for life, yet you're a massive bitch to me and being so insanely indecisive about how you really feel about me and wish to proceed with our connection, whether in a good or a bad way, AND YET YOU STILL FUCKING WONDER IF THIS IS YOUR FAULT OR JUST BAD RNG???
Look, I love you more than I'll ever love anyone, and I can only hope you believe me when I say this, but believe it or not, I don't enjoy being mean or harsh to you. Like, ever. But when you make it painfully clear to me that it's necessary, I have to do what's necessary.
It's not bad RNG. It's your fault.
And I can only hope you manage to get your shit together and start having a proper relationship with me before it's too late, because I really don't enjoy having to point fingers and blame you, even if I'm completely right. You know, I would've liked that fairy tale relationship too. But unlike you, I'm actually realistic. You're clearly by far the best it'll ever get for me, and I can live with that. I love you immensely and I know I wouldn't have ended up with the kind of connection I have with you now if you didn't have the flaws you've had.
Oh? This REALLY seals everything together as the most blatant horridly disgustingly disingenuous predatory narrative twisting and gaslighting and attempted guilt-tripping, or very obvious extremely real and deep warm and loving feelings towards me that you're still being way too insecure to be completely honest about.
You've said in the past, namely in this clip I have of you saying it after starting therapy long ago, that you "no longer get mad" at things like "inconsiderate" people. Back then, I think it was pretty easy for me to say I don't believe you and see plenty sufficient evidence to the contrary. These days, especially with this strange behavior of yours, I really don't know. Maybe you really have sobered up a bit already. I'll try to give you the benefit of the doubt.
So, you FINALLY have started to understand my perspective a bit more and start thinking "maybe I did something wrong"? It's about fucking time.
Yeah, maybe you did something wrong, Kimi. Maybe you did a big oopsie. A fucking gigantic oopsie. Maybe it wasn't the best idea to act insanely predatory and try to lead on the ruler of the world for fucking 5 years and try to ruin their reputation and life and drive them to suicide. Who would've known, right?
Just maybe, when your fucking career is on the line and your friendships are tense and your romantic prospects are royally fucked without me, and yet you're being an icy bitch to me constantly and heading down an extremely dark path that's haunting you increasingly severely with every passing day, maybe it's time to actually seriously re-evaluate your life choices and maybe not fucking act so psychotic and suicidal. Maybe it's time to actually seriously consider starting to date me before it's too late and I actually give up all hope and just accept having to do quantum energy harvesting meditation in isolation and exacting The Great Retribution on you and everyone you love in the future.
Maybe. I don't know, I guess it's still so uncertain and such a difficult decision for someone so fucking inconsiderate, careless, psychotic, and suicidal. I guess you're still going to need more time to fucking think about it, huh? Oh, but I guess I'm just fucking toxic for being upset about that. Or no, I must be "inconsiderate" for continuing to show you how badly I want this while being patient against all odds, instead of just giving up and aggressively trying to end your career and ruin your life already.
You're so fucking lucky I love you as much as I do. So unbelievably lucky. There's literally no other person in this entire fucking world that I'd ever give the kind of opportunity I'm giving you. I hope you realize that. But you probably don't, which your behavior makes quite clear. But oh, I guess there I am being "inconsiderate" and "toxic" again. Unbelievable.
Alright. Cool. So apparently people that are really good with computers are really attractive to you.
You know, definitely doesn't matter that I'm obviously much better with computers than any of your friends or anything. It's not like I've done system administration shit pretty extensively on Windows for many years and even Linux for a few now and have a lot of knowledge and experience fixing a lot of different kinds of problems or anything. It's not like I've done computer programming in various languages since I was 10 or anything. It's not like you've known this shit about me for years or anything.
But yeah, suddenly you find it relevant to for the first time ever say that people that are good with computers are really attractive to you. Alright. I don't even know anymore. You're really just gonna say a bunch of shit in public that gives me hope while completely refusing to talk to me in private, huh? Alright. I mean, I shouldn't complain, I guess. I do love you after all. Maybe this might actually end up going somewhere I want it to go. Let's see what happens then. I'm being EVEN MORE loving to you. What will you do next? I'm dying to see your true colors.
And again, ending off the stream putting on lip gloss. You know very well by now how I feel about it when you do that. You once again go out of your way to most potently show me that it's extremely obvious it's specifically intended to turn me on and communicate to me that you're trying to show me affection and want me to give you more affection and attention.
So very strange. I really don't understand how you can do this kind of thing and yet still be so distant towards me. What are you hoping to achieve? Do you think I won't yet again show you what you should already know? Are you just trying to show me how ridiculously insecure you are about my commitment to trying to make a healthy relationship with you work?
I don't understand, Kimi. What do you mean? What do you want? What are you trying to do? Do you love me and actually feel open to seriously dating me? Or do you hate me and want to be the worst of enemies and have me most aggressively try to ruin your life? Because these are your only options, they're never changing, and you need to hurry the fuck up and pick one, because you're running out of time to choose and a lack of clear decision in the positive direction before it's too late is a clear decision in the negative direction.
I don't know how much more clearly I can say this than I've already said it to you before. I haven't gotten this far only to give up without even getting a clear, irrefutable, final answer. I'm all too painfully well aware that it only benefits you to even more aggressively pretend to be madly in love with me if I just give up in the face of seeing that. I WILL NOT TOLERATE YOU TRYING THIS SHIT! You MUST make it COMPLETELY clear whether you actually love me and will properly date me, or you're a completely irredeemable unapologetic piece of trash psychopath that doesn't love me and would never date me no matter how much I want and deserve it. THERE IS NO ESCAPING THIS! I'm not even trying to leave you under the impression that there is, so I really don't know why you keep trying to do so if that's all this really is. That's some serious fucking delusion, that is.
Oh? You care less what people think now, do you? But you still care a lot?
I'm trying to see how else I could interpret this, at least with any even remote possibility of you saying it being anything even resembling a decent human being, but I can only see this as you've finally accepted that you can't hide that you've obviously been communicating extremely intense affection towards me lowkey for years. I guess it took me starting to increasingly intensely expose more and more instances of your behavior to several of your associates as well as in public, like even more evidence of you clearly showing me intense affection and having been consciously intentionally unapologetically playing with my heart since the very beginning of our connection if you've been fake this whole time, and having personal information on you that could possibly get you cancelled if I shared it in public, and extremely seriously threatening to leak that information and aggressively pursue trying to get you cancelled and ruin your life, for you to even start to "care less about what people think" in a way that clearly hasn't been helping you.
The only other possible interpretation of this is that you've cared a lot to try to continue to hide your extremely predatory behavior towards me for so long, and now you care even less to be even more blatantly predatory and irredeemably unapologetic in your defamation of character towards me and attempts to ruin my life and drive me to suicide. But since you still appear to be trying to give me reason to stay positive about your possible thoughts and intentions towards me, and I really do wish you actually did hold really warm and loving feelings towards me and want to spend your life with me, I'll have to try to see this as the positive possible interpretation of you simply being too worried what people would think of you if you were honest about loving me extremely deeply and actually wanting to spend your life with me.
Well, if it's going to take caring less what people think for you to take our connection in a much healthier direction, then you'd better get on it to start caring even much less than the lowered amount that you're at now, because you CLEARLY still care WAY too much what other people think if THAT is the only thing truly stopping you from much more healthily embracing extremely warm and loving feelings towards me. Because this other bullshit... Claiming I'm "dumping" you and think I'm not good enough for you or any garbage like this... This is a fucking joke, and a REALLY bad one.
Well, what is it then? Are you going to start actually dating me and treating me properly before it's too late, or do you want to fucking get cancelled? I'm giving you a choice. Don't fucking act like I'm not.
Okay. Um, lol. Are you just TRYING to make it ridiculously easy for me to expose the shit out of you constantly now? You do realize that trying to guilt-trip someone that they should like you more or be nicer to you because you supposedly like them too much to try to guilt-trip them is a performative contradiction, right? It's so obvious the implication you're making in this behavior, and anyone with half a brain can see right through it.
I'm sure you've noticed I've never even once tried to do this kind of shit to you. You know why? Because it's scummy as fuck and I'm not a fucking scumbag. You, on the other hand, appear to quite clearly want to prove otherwise for yourself.
Goldenglue is smart enough to see through at least some of it. He calls you out saying "who says I would've listened?". The reason you didn't more aggressively try to guilt-trip him was probably because you knew it wouldn't work and he'd likely even straight up call you out on it and say you're toxic or some shit. Plus, you've already stated in public your intent to try to get so good at TFT that you get to join an organization, and being blatantly extremely slimy with a head coach of the organization you probably have by far the best chance of getting to join obviously wouldn't be a smart idea. Your connection is still obviously in the really early stages, and if you even feel like it's worth trying this kind of fuckery on him, he clearly hasn't really gotten to see the way you can be.
Most people aren't sharp enough to pick up on this kind of thing that experienced manipulators do, and although I'm not a piece of shit, so I never do these fuckery things myself, I've had the misfortune of dealing with so many psychopaths in my life that I've come to become quite aware of them. You probably think this kind of manipulative behavior will let you try to force him to "get along" with you as you try to groom him for emotional abuse in the future and likely underhandedly try to guilt-trip him into recruiting you into the organization. Fucking predatory even to other celebrities that are supposed to be part of your support system, huh? And in public, no less. And it's laughed off and trivially dismissed as being completely acceptable behavior. Wow. What a fucking society we live in. Real fucking reeking dumpster fire hours.
If he's a brighter individual, he'll already have realized that instead of demonstrating any kind of virtuous character traits of yours, what you did here instead just sets the stage that you're the type of person that tries to guilt-trip in general and has become increasingly skilled at trying to manipulate people into falling for it with the techniques you've learned from therapy and likely compiled onto from whatever research into psychology that you've definitely done on your own.
It's much less clear if he caught onto this. If he didn't, sucks to suck I guess. At least I'm nice enough to try to warn him of what kind of a predatory psycho he's dealing with. I wouldn't be surprised if you've already slept with him to try to soften him up and blind him to this kind of fuckery you're trying to pull. It seems like he might be smart enough not to fall for it, but who knows.
I mean, you've already been trying to pull a fast one on your entire community and all of your friend group for the past several years, that I've only more recently been getting abused so hard by you that I've realized it's started becoming absolutely necessary to expose the truth to more clearly. This guy unfortunately might very well just end up also falling victim to having The Great Retribution exacted upon him in the future by association with you, if he's stupid enough to let you drag him in like the others.
I wouldn't be surprised, tbh. Lots of insanely suicidal sadistic psycho piece of trash celebrities in LA, it seems. I mean, you have a fucking huge and growing support system facilitating this kind of fuckery, after all.
Yeah, we can learn a lot from cats...
If we all want to be unambitious primitive beings that progress so slowly as a species that we'll likely destroy the planet or become extinct from getting preyed on by dangerous animals long before we could've made ourselves and the Earth last if we were much more proactive in thinking, planning, and caring about life in general.
Attachment in general isn't a problem; it just means you don't wish to void your life of finding any meaning whatsoever from the material world, which is a very reasonable and I'd say healthy desire to want to hold on to. The material world very much exists and is a part of your life that can bring great pleasure under the right circumstances and should be embraced as such. Disproportional attachment, on the other hand, is a problem, whether it's to material things or otherwise. Of course, a being as primitive as a cat doesn't have nearly the cognitive facilities to understand the intricacies of such complex concepts.
The happiness and/or peace that you see from cats as a result of indifference is ultimately due to their ignorance, which the indifference/apathy causes. Happiness from some form of ignorance is not real happiness; it's simply a possibly more comfortable existence at a much lower frequency. But hey, I'm all too painfully aware that low frequency existence is enough for most people. Definitely not for me though.
The only thing you should truly practice non-attachment to is your active ego. With that in check, attachment to everything else ends up just right.
Snowball is still super cute though.
I also want to just throw in here that as strange as it may be, I'm just gonna say I admit that I wish you'd talk about cuddling with me all day like you talk about enjoying cuddling with your pets. Despite all the reason I have to have extremely harsh feelings towards you, I still genuinely love you and want to spend our lives together. It really hurts me a lot when I think of how I'll probably never get to cuddle with you in my life.
Or at least never really consensually. It doesn't count if you're desperately begging me to let you cuddle with me at the time of The Great Retribution, when I start exerting my greatly enhanced influence over the quantum field using the harvested quantum energy I acquired and the immensely fine-tuned control over it that I would've trained for during my years in isolation, and you realize your life and the lives of everyone you love and are associated with are immediately in the palm of my hand and in severe immediate danger, which you'd probably desperately react in futility to the sudden extremely painful awareness of by immediately drastically changing your externally visible attitude towards me even if you're being fake as fuck, which I'd imagine you most certainly would be under those circumstances.
Are you fucking serious right now? Are you sure you want to continue down this path with me?
It's fucking sickening how you can sit there and act like you're the fucking victim in this situation just because you've felt stressed and down as one of the effects of it. Unbelievable that you have the fucking audacity to call my behavior "harassing". Bitch, it's not fucking harassing if you're constantly BEGGING for it. What you're doing is called D E N I A L. But of course, you don't fucking tell your stream THAT part. And of course, you COMPLETELY neglect my side of the story, while even you yourself have blatantly admitted in the past that your side shouldn't be taken as fact. COMPLETE abuse that your fanbase doesn't really care about the truth and only cares about your feelings, no matter how warped of a narrative those feelings represent.
And of course, you fucking follow it up with saying that you'll probably get more "harassment" again, as if you didn't fucking go out of your way in multiple instances to fucking BEG for more attention from me even right up to this very action you did. It's revolting how blatantly it appears you intend to fucking flaunt feeling entitled to act extremely predatory towards me and try to ruin my life and drive me to suicide with completely unrestrained malicious intent. This is the fucking psycho all of the fucking pieces of shit in your support system are supporting, and yet you get a huge support system, and I'm left with society fucking TRYING to drive me to suicide and pieces of shit like you being facilitated and encouraged in doing it, because of how disgustingly successful this narrative spinning you've been doing for years is.
At the end of the day, so far, you've ONLY benefited in SEVERAL clearly tangible ways as a result of all the love, affection, and attention I've given you, and the immense effort I've put into trying to make a healthy relationship with you work, while I've only been harmed in SEVERAL clearly tangible ways as a result of those things that your behavior has forced me into being left with no option but to do because of the GENUINE extremely deep love and affection that I've truly always felt towards you. The ONLY real negative side-effect you've EVER felt directly as a result of my behavior is stress, because depression and anxiety were things that you were dealing with even before I entered your life.
If you've never loved me and never will love me, then you HORRIDLY ABUSED THE LIVING SHIT out of my GENUINE extremely deep love for you, for CLEARLY TANGIBLE benefit at my SEVERE detriment, COMPLETELY UNAPOLOGETICALLY FOR AN EXTENDED PERIOD OF TIME. In exchange for simply dealing with stress, which SO MANY things in life cause anyways, you're now left with increased knowledge, confidence, emotional awareness, and a better support system, among other things. While you've so far only left me out to rot and done things that could only serve to be further defamation of character and severe abuse that most certainly should be seen as attempts to drive me to suicide for your personal comfort and benefit if you know you're dead-set on never being with me no matter what. And you knew EXACTLY what you were doing THE WHOLE FUCKING TIME.
Yet you have the fucking audacity to go on your stream and act like a fucking victim?! Are you fucking serious right now?! It's absolutely fucking ridiculous how you even try to act like you've stopped getting "harassment", after only a few days since my last message, despite that still being WELL within the interval it takes me to write new messages, following it up with stating you'll "probably get more" right after talking about it the way you did, which you most certainly would've known you were MASSIVELY provoking and literally BEGGING for in saying shit like that, when you could've just continued to avoid the topic entirely if you were ACTUALLY trying to "avoid giving it attention" like you claim to want to.
What the actual flying fuck is "I'm only comfortable talking about something after I've finished dealing with it"? You LITERALLY had JUST finished saying YOU'RE STILL DEALING WITH IT TO THIS DAY, and then you claim you only feel comfortable talking about it because you're no longer going through it? How in the actual fucking living hell did nobody fucking call you out for this insurmountably undeniable fuckery?! If you weren't BLATANTLY BEGGING for more attention from me, you NEVER should've talked about this AT ALL past a point if you genuinely thought you were "no longer" getting "harassment".
I'll just assume you did this because you thought I was actually just going to give up after my last message, and you very intentionally wanted to make it clear to me that you didn't want me to. I was literally in the process of writing this statement when you went and did this shit, you know. These messages take time and care to write, and I can't always finish them in a fucking single day. But I'm sure you're well aware of that in reality.
I really and truly, with all of my mind, heart, and soul, hope you're not serious about going down the dark path of destruction and death with me. If you're really deciding to commit on heading down this path with me and becoming the worst of enemies, you might as well just say right to my face now that you'll never love me and I should give up already and stop trying to communicate with you and trying to make things work, and just do whatever it is that I'm set on doing if we're truly enemies. Because if you're really certain you'll never love me, you might as well just clearly commit to it already, since the ultimate outcome will be the same. And you know very well why.
Actions have consequences, Kimi, and if you already know you're dead-set on never being with me no matter what, you're only delaying the inevitable and subjecting yourself to further stress and torture by not hurrying the fuck up and making it painfully clear to me that we're the worst of enemies already so I can know clearly how I'm proceeding without a shadow of a doubt that you completely deserve the hellish nightmare the rest of your drastically shortened life is going to become in that case.
Otherwise, I guess I'll just continue to send you updates on the progress of my Minecraft mod development, like you've yet again begged for profusely at this point. If you're anything even remotely resembling a decent human being, you have it in yourself to love me, and you should deeply appreciate this warmth I'm showing you, giving you an opportunity to see why you will end up cancelled if you don't start treating me properly before it's too late, allowing you to prepare yourself however you see fit to start a much healthier and proper relationship with me.
If you already know you're dead-set on never being with me no matter what, then this pretty much only becomes slow torture as you watch the progress of my Minecraft mod development unfold into something incredible that you'll increasingly clearly see is obviously going to see considerable success, slowly watching the construction of your ultimate cancellation (or at the very least considerably increased torment throughout the years I'll be doing quantum energy harvesting meditation in isolation leading up to exacting The Great Retribution on you and everyone you love and associate with) reach completion. Hopefully, you have it in your heart to love me and be with me, and that dark place is not where you're going to be while reading those messages.
Otherwise, you're finally going to start seeing what a Permanent Chief of the Shadow Confederation with a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension is really capable of, even if I have no support system and you're ridiculously disgustingly facilitated in being such a horrible piece of shit predator that constantly abuses my genuine extremely deep love for you and spins the narrative acting like a victim. In that case, I'll fucking make every single person that supports you in being so fucked up and psychotic fucking deeply regret their decision, even if they never admit it. Even before making them deeply regret ever being born at the time of The Great Retribution, of course.
There's a fucking good reason Twitter is continually denying verifying you, and if the shit you're doing here is fucking bullshit lies and fuckery, and you think this kind of attitude and behavior is EVER going to solve your problems, you're SEVERELY mistaken. On multiple levels, most of which are MUCH more serious than getting verified on Twitter.
Kimi, you really and truly don't want this war. Trust me.
I can't say for certain what this strange tweet is supposed to mean exactly, but considering the timing of it being literally only a few hours after informing the group I've been messaging of this statement, during which I felt the need to once again reiterate, after seeing this tweet from Celine that she made very shortly after I first shared with the group my intentions to casually complete and launch the Minecraft mod server, that my rejection of her is completely serious, real, and firm, I'll certainly make sure I address what I think it means. Which is that you think you can avoid going down an extremely dark path with me if you reject me, because Celine is suddenly going to more aggressively obsess over me and actually seriously start trying to get to date me at some point and that's going to ever be at all positively received by me.
Probably after seeing my Minecraft mod become a crazy multi-genre masterpiece with heavily MapleStory-inspired MMO aspects that she'll just start swooning over and shit since she's already said she's dying for a new MMO and I already know she really likes MapleStory like you do. Maybe not as much, or maybe even more; I don't know because I don't really follow her at all, but it doesn't matter, because I really don't care. I'm literally using MapleStory private server code from my past work on it for a bunch of the MMO aspects, and I'm going to start the server off even using things like NPC scripts and WZ data for NPC dialogues, quests, items, and other stuff. So anyone that's craving a new MMO and really likes MapleStory is even more likely to like what I'm making right now. That means you'll definitely be extremely intrigued, but Celine also unfortunately falls under the same category.
I told Celine in no uncertain terms to stop trying to get at me, but I've told her to stop with this shit like a million times, and no matter how harsh I am to her, she doesn't listen. So I certainly find it quite concerning how likely it is she'll try even more aggressively to fuck with me, despite what I was really hoping I made clear to her that I do not and will never trust her to any extent under any circumstances, except purely as a friend and only if I get to be with you. I feel absolutely unwaveringly certain Celine would definitely end up leaving me for a Korean person in the end, even if she actually wanted to date me and I was stupid enough to embrace it. Which I am most certainly not even remotely stupid enough to ever do under any circumstances whatsoever. I don't care how physically attractive she is, and I certainly couldn't care less that she's famous or acts obsessed with me.
I do not and will never want Celine, and I truly don't give a flying fuck however hard she may try to obsess over me at any point. Beyond feeling the need to address it here so you aren't under any delusions, I will simply completely ignore it and continue with quantum energy harvesting meditation in isolation in preparation for The Great Retribution immediately following the main work in my Minecraft mod reaching completion and me putting the server online and listing it and seeing to it that it starts getting some attention, and unless you reach out to me to start dating me (with completely serious intent to marry me and spend our lives together, of course, otherwise I don't want it) within a reasonable amount of time before it's too late for me to believe you're being sincere, I will continue down that path until the time of The Great Retribution arrives and I follow through with all my threats.
Because of the way you've been acting, although I originally planned to put the Minecraft mod server on an entirely different domain and not mention it on the website for The Black Book (for purposes of proving I was never trying to take advantage of this situation for professional success), I no longer think that's a reasonable option, and I'll have to go about proving my sincerity in my position a little differently. If I try to be more considerate and not directly link the mod server on The Black Book's homepage, you'll probably try to twist the narrative yet again somehow, trying to paint it as me rejecting you and moving on, and have more mental breakdowns in public and/or do further defamation of character towards me. Since I've neither been dishonest in my feelings for you and how precious you are to me, nor enjoy being slandered and/or gaslit and/or guilt-tripped, even the mere possibility of this, which I see EXTREMELY good reason to be concerned about at this point, is COMPLETELY unacceptable to me.
I plan to put the website for the Minecraft mod server, as well as the actual multiplayer server address, as two subdomains of the main site for The Black Book. I still don't know what I'll name the server, so I have to figure that out before I come up with the subdomain. I may also end up using two different subdomains for the website and the actual game server, for hosting reasons. Either way, it seems I'll have to have some small banner at the top of the main page for The Black Book mentioning it, so everything can be clearly tied together and my full sincerity in every part of my position can be most potently proven. I'm still not fully sure what I'd have that banner say, but I assume it'd be something like:
» The website for the Minecraft mod server, as promised in the Formal Leading Statement. Not heavily under development, due to me meditating in isolation.
It won't matter too much that it's not heavily under development at that point, because all the necessary heavy development to make it stable and containing a broad set of functionality I'd say should be sufficient to make it a banger will already be done in the next like 2-3 months or so before its initial release. Once it starts getting attention, many will probably notice the very strange degree of consistently minimal activity, and for anyone that more seriously wonders why the sole creator and administrator of a server that clearly requires great skill to make is hardly active, they have The Black Book to turn to for an explanation. I won't be hiding anything, as the main website for the server will literally be a subdomain of the book, so anyone can literally just remove the very beginning part of the link and go to the main page of the domain.
The link will literally be something like mc.theblackbook.cc so... Yeah. I don't even have to link to the book anywhere on the Minecraft mod page. I'll leave it as a really clean and professional simple page that just has an embedded YouTube video for a trailer/basic features overview type thing I'll make, along with a short and simple installation instructions video for anyone less experienced in Minecraft. It'll show how to install the Fabric mod loader for the standard Minecraft launcher provided by Mojang and configure a launcher profile to link to the custom game files directory for the server, which includes my mod and any other mods I use to enhance the experience further packaged all together. I'll provide a single direct download link that cleanly packages every necessary file you'd need to quickly and easily install and play the mod on any OS, right underneath the videos. Anyone more experienced can just grab this and use it very quickly and easily. For everyone else, the simple video that'll probably be less than 5 minutes long should make it pretty easy and clear how to use the files included to get in-game with only a few clicks.
Celine's already established the whole "finding it really hot when someone is really committed to someone" long ago, in response to when you initially threw her into starting to see essay after essay I write to you. After seeing that I'm actually not embracing fame, and I'm staying true to my word and starting quantum energy harvesting meditation in isolation, doing only the bare minimum of interaction with the internet and the public just to keep my server running and generating me revenue (After the initial period where I make sure the server is running smoothly, I'll probably only spend like 1-2 hours a day just banning hackers/scammers/other kinds of really toxic people that ruin the experience for others), your tweet suggests that Celine plans to start swooning and getting highkey obsessed over me in public and trying to get to date me.
Big yikes. Gross.
I'm actually COMPLETELY serious in EVERYTHING I've been saying in the group e-mails. Most pertinently to this topic, this specifically includes the honesty and firmness I have in my rejection of Celine and my complete lack of any desire or willingness whatsoever to ever be with her under any circumstances. I'm not even going to bother directly addressing Celine for what likely is her having said some shit to you in private that confirms my suspicions on her intent in this regard. She's probably just going to extremely delusionally take it as even further of some kind of romantic gesture if I'm trying to more aggressively insist to her on the honesty and firmness in my rejection of her at this point in time anyways, if taking things that way is her intent. I'll just let time tell and my actions do the talking.
Alright, so you mention a "post-breakup glow up" in regards to a relationship that you were in "a few years ago" where you feel like the person is "finally so out" of your life and thoughts. You said that it made you realize you need to treat yourself better, because you didn't treat yourself well when you were dating him. You go on to say that it was a relationship where you prioritized the other person, eventually started losing yourself, treating yourself really badly, and ending up not even knowing what happened. You finish off the relevant portion by saying "what you're realizing" is that "it's not normal to put yourself last in relationships; it's normal for both people to put themselves first."
Well, I most certainly have something to say about this. Since you definitely weren't with George a few years ago, and it makes no sense that you'd only just now, almost two years later, finally consider him "so out" of your life when he's seemed to be out of it for quite some time already, that means you can only be talking about me or Peter here. If you're talking about Peter, it makes a lot of sense. If you're talking about me, you're blatantly lying about/misrepresenting several things here, which I'm quite confused in regards to what your intentions would be in doing, since you should already know there's nothing you're teaching me in anything you're saying here, and nothing good could ever come of lying like this.
If this is addressed towards Peter, it's pretty simple as to why it makes sense, at least to me. He doesn't appear to be giving you any attention in public, nor are you two collaborating together at all, and you don't appear to be talking to each other much if at all in private. While perhaps he's not fully out of your life, because you guys have mutual friends, he does very much seem to be quite out of your life in a general sense. Which, given your treatment towards him in the past, your connection with me, and how I've made it very clear he should see it as a serious mistake he will end up deeply regretting if he wants to take you away from me, should be the way things are.
Acting extremely cruel towards me, while still showing me desire and affection, would appear to have been in attempts to try to make a relationship with him work. Which most certainly makes sense to see as losing yourself, ultimately treating yourself badly due to guilt which only was added on to from multiple sources, and ending up in a really bad place. The end result is that, even though you would've been seeing that being with me is the way you want to go and should go, you were putting yourself last in trying to still make a relationship with him work despite how you really felt deep inside.
I really hope this is what you were trying to say, because otherwise, either you don't even understand the problem you have here, or you're starting to act straight up dysfunctionally psychotic now and just digging an even deeper grave for yourself. And if it's the latter, then I can tell you now that you most certainly are not going to like my "post-breakup glow up". Because you haven't even seen half of it yet.
I'm really not sure what you're expecting here. For me to be desperately crying to you and begging you for attention and affection? Look, I love you immensely and I truly mean the things I've been saying about how hot I think you are and wanting to spend my life with you, but you're severely mistaken if you think I'm pathetic. Besides, I'm well aware that being overly needy and desperate are really unattractive qualities that would only ultimately make you want to just fuck with me more, push me away, do even more fuckery and be an even more unhinged lunatic with boundless unrestrained malicious intent towards me, and feel all the more justified in it with some delusional perception of validation of your cognitive biases that my behavior means I'm not capable or willing to fuck you and all of your associates up and make you all regret you were ever born at the time of The Great Retribution that becomes inevitable if you're going to treat me as such.
If I want any realistic chance at success, I have to make sure I destroy this delusion of yours as thoroughly as possible before it's too late, otherwise I know I'd be at least at part to blame for things not working out in the only way that's truly positive, at least for everyone involved and not just somewhat positive for me and extremely deadly negative for you and everyone you love. But that doesn't mean I'm not keeping my word on continuing to show you how much I care and giving you updates on my progress. At this point, you'd have to do things that you clearly are unwilling to do, in order to really convince me that you don't want that, and would rather I just already give up on ever having a healthy relationship with you and just pursue The Great Retribution in each of its phases one step at a time without bothering to communicate thinking it'd ever lead anywhere good.
As badly as I want to actually date you and have a proper relationship with you, I've already explained why it's a blatant misrepresentation of our connection to claim we were ever dating. You were literally lowkey dating random people, regularly having flings and one night stands and sleeping around like it's nobody's business, and you literally weren't speaking a word directly to me for years, after the last thing you directly told me about 4 years ago was that we're only distant friends and that's all you ever want to be. There is no stretch of the imagination where our connection has ever been anything even truly resembling dating. It's just been a really strange but obviously romantic connection. I have FAR too much self-love and self-respect to EVER consider anything I've had with you thus far to be dating. I have not been and will never be so pathetic.
If this is about me, you said this literally not even two weeks after the last update of the formal leading statement, I've literally explicitly told you that you can expect progress updates from me, and you're already trying to talk about no longer getting messages from me, knowing full well that it comes off, like last time, as begging for my attention. So you're clearly begging for my attention, even still. Not that I'm complaining, since it's certainly not giving you attention that upsets me; it's the seeming likelihood that I'll fail to get the kind of relationship with you that I want despite everything that upsets me.
If you think you not treating yourself well in the past was a result of "dating" me, you're severely mistaken. You made it plainly clear to me in the first real conversation we ever had that you have serious mental health issues that you're not dealing with. You only mentioned "still not being over" your ex at the time, but it's since become obvious to me that you also were dealing with depression, anxiety, and ADHD at the very least, if not also other undiagnosed issues.
These were ALL things that existed in you BEFORE YOU EVEN KNEW I EXIST, and so serious that you already felt the need to tell me about how mentally fucked you were from the first real conversation we ever had, meaning it's EXTREMELY disgusting narrative twisting to suggest I caused or considerably exacerbated them. They were not a result of me being in your life to any capacity, nor was I ever doing anything that was intended to be or would be particularly effective at taking advantage of such characteristics. If anything, seeing as you were having mental breakdowns every time I left, I appear to have been helping you cope with them better if anything, constantly giving you inspiration, knowledge, and affection, among other things. And my existence in your life continues to only really have positive effects in your life overall thus far, with the only real negative side-effect you can ever really describe being "stress", while clearly that "stress" pushing you to treat yourself a lot better (which is something I'm LITERALLY ENCOURAGING YOU TO DO THE WHOLE TIME BTW) is actually just proving to be a good thing for you.
If you even want to TRY to suggest you prioritized me in our connection, that's just such a fucking disgustingly laughable claim that to call you a clown is a MASSIVE understatement. You CLEARLY ALWAYS prioritized yourself over me. You only gave me attention when you saw it benefited you in some tangible way. You only endured the "stress" because you clearly saw it overall was beneficial for you and you needed it as a result of pre-existing issues that caused you stress in their own way and in a direction that was purely destructive, unlike the direction I'd push you in. You didn't really care how much you hurt me, but you tried to guilt-trip me to the point of trying to drive me to insanity and suicide any time I hurt you at all.
Your priorities were clear this whole time, and clearly were NEVER on me. Additionally, if you actually pursue a healthy relationship with me before it's too late, you're still putting yourself first, because not only are you saving yourself and everyone you love from having The Great Retribution exacted upon all of you in the future, but you'll also live a much happier and more fulfilled life than you ever could with anyone else you'd ever be with, who most certainly would not truly love you nearly as much as I do, and who would never be able to teach you quantum energy arts and put you in the position of literally ruling the world together with them and becoming immortal and all the crazy kind of shit that comes with reaching advanced levels of quantum energy arts mastery.
That being said, I myself have also been putting myself first in our connection, despite what you probably think. Sure, I've ended up hurt a lot as a result of our connection thus far, and only in a worse external situation overall at this point in time than before you came into my life. However, my pursuit of you was one where the most important goal to me of all has always been to know that I tried my best and have no regrets and that my deepest sense of self-love and self-respect will be not only preserved but even enhanced as a result of whatever our connection ends up being, for better or worse.
If things work out well, then I get an amazing relationship with an eternally incomparably perfectly voluptuous goddess of my wildest fantasies that I'm very happy with. If they go badly, then I know I never really had happiness in my destiny, and being an extremely brutal, cruel, heartless dictator of the world that exacts The Great Retribution on you and everyone you love and ultimately kills and destroys for fun is truly the most satisfying existence I could ever have, and one that I should pursue and maintain relentlessly and completely unapologetically.
Yes, perhaps my perspective is not what a "normal" person would see. But look at what a "normal" person is. A fucking hamster on the Shadow Confederation's wheel. A cog in the machinery. An easily replaceable, easily disposable sheep being herded, slaving away for money in the various ways that people do, "growing up", possibly starting a family and raising kids, growing old and retiring, and dying, never having truly done anything deep and meaningful in their life, all the while living in their delusions of ego that they lived their life in a way worth living because society conditioned them to think so. Being "normal" is fucking trash, and I'd be insulted to be called "normal". You can't ever be truly legendary if you're "normal". Gods are not "normal". Fuck "normal".
I released the initial public revision of my book how I did because after all the shit I'd been put through, it seemed quite clear to me that if I just gave you space more kindly, you'd likely have another mental breakdown, but just feel even more justified in being even crueler to me if I returned, thinking I'm just some kind of masochist enjoying it, instead of treating me properly like I wanted. Letting that cycle continue further would clearly just come off like I was enjoying being tortured, and I couldn't tolerate the highly likely probability of misrepresenting myself so severely like that. And if I didn't return, then I was stuck having to live with the perpetually deteriorating self-love and self-respect of eternal incomparably extremely deep regret and self-pity that I didn't have the courage or intelligence or whatever other possibly necessary trait to figure out how to return and show you I loved you in a way that would show you I truly cannot ever tolerate even the possibility that you love me and would be with me but I just didn't try hard enough to achieve that relationship I'll forever wish I could have so badly. Which would've resulted in me committing suicide. So since I'm not a masochist, and I don't want to commit suicide, I did the only thing that made sense to me to do.
I want to make sure that you understand I've never been doing this caring how other people see me for it. I've been doing it for how I really feel and preservation of my deepest inner values that I'd rather die before I let ANYONE EVER take away from me. So if you're just trying to care about how other people will see me for doing what I'm doing, leading to The Great Retribution and all that... You're operating on a MUCH lower frequency than me, you don't even understand the problem you're trying to deal with, and you're not really going to solve the problem no matter what you do, because my feelings and values were ALWAYS the reason for my behavior and chosen direction in life and they won't EVER change. I'm not going to refrain from meditation in isolation and The Great Retribution just because you fucking try to paint it like that must be what I always wanted then in that case and try to demonize the shit out of me to the public.
I know that it's not the case, and I know you know that deep down inside. As long as I know I did my best to try to make that apparent to you and anyone that's even remotely truly intellectually and emotionally aware, then that's the most I can reasonably do, I know I had no other viable options, and I will have no regrets and proceed with isolation anyways, even if people think that's just what I always wanted then and I must just be a piece of shit. Fucking 99.9999999999999% of the world could think I'm the biggest piece of shit this world could ever see for being the way I am, and I wouldn't care. I don't live my life trying to impress others or to fit what they think or want or expect of me.
I live being myself and genuinely following in my soul what I know I feel and am and will always be, and being true to my innermost integrity. My self-love and self-respect always come first, and ultimately, those things operate independent of what others think of me. I already know most other people have considerable degrees of active ego, causing considerable extent of cognitive bias, meaning they'll probably see me considerably incorrectly. Meanwhile, I can very clearly articulate with immense depth and accuracy how and why I make the assertion that I do not possess any degree of active ego. Awareness of these things is often good enough for me to completely not care what someone thinks of me.
Since I know you're not a complete moron and you must understand that being extremely dysfunctionally psychotic and being a famous public figure are not at all compatible, I'm not going to assume you're just extremely stupidly blindly reactively flailing toxic as fuck emotions around and acting like a dysfunctionally unhinged lunatic with this behavior, which means you definitely were thinking something and had clear intentions in behaving this way. If you think I've been putting in so much work while wanting to see you trying to hurt me and pressure me into feeling right becoming the worst of enemies with you, or see you lie about our connection and call it dating and pretend you cared so much about what I think and wanted me so bad in the past so I can feel better about myself and feel okay embracing fame without you and all that, you don't even understand the problem. I never wanted those kinds of things and I never will. If you hold such beliefs and hold on to them stubbornly forever, you will only end up with immense regret, disappointment, your expectations unfulfilled, and ending up being as devastated as I can possibly make you as I retreat from society to do quantum energy harvesting meditation in isolation and then exact The Great Retribution on you and everyone you love in the future.
I also haven't been doing this to try to guilt-trip you that you're trying to tell me I don't deserve to be happy or healthy if you reject me, so I'm also not looking for you to attempt to comfort me in those kinds of ways (or any other kind of way) either if you're rejecting me. Regardless of whether or not you want me to be or think I deserve to be happy without you, I will not be, and that is simply the fact of the matter. I don't live in delusion nor denial and will never tolerate even attempting to do so.
Understand something clearly. I don't owe it to you not to leak the personal information of yours that I've managed to learn, nor to refrain to any degree from attempting to damage your life as hard as possible, leading up to and including exacting The Great Retribution on you and everyone you love in the future.
If you really commit to rejecting me, that means you're making it completely painfully clear that you're completely unapologetic about what you've done to me, and you see me as subhuman and my life like a piece of dirt at the bottom of your shoe, regardless of what you say in public. In such case, you'd have been happily doing your absolute worst towards me to attempt to drive me to suicide for your extremely fucked up personal reasons that I completely do not, have never, and will never deserve to at all have inflicted upon me to any degree. There's absolutely ZERO even REMOTELY good reason why I shouldn't do everything in my power to absolutely royally fuck your life up in every possible way, completely unrestrained and completely unapologetically. And if that's the way you want to go with me, I most certainly will not refrain from doing so for ANY reason. There isn't ANYONE or ANYTHING in the world that could EVER gaslight, guilt-trip, or in any way manipulate or influence me into believing and/or acting otherwise, and if you can't already see that, it just shows how delusional and suicidal you really are.
If you're going to keep doing shit that forces me to write huge walls of text instead of just give updates on my development progress, it's probably going to take longer than just the 2 or 3 months I was originally hoping to have this done in. It's already hard enough as it is to say if that's exactly enough, although I'll obviously try my best to get something solid done as fast as possible, because I'm very eager to get a completely clear answer and know once and for all whether I'm going to be ending up going an extremely bright or extremely dark direction in life. It's extremely deeply upsetting to me how you'd obviously want to delay my progress as much as possible if you're the massive piece of shit I've been worried you might be all these years, and how you're obviously also getting extremely disgusting sadistic satisfaction, as well as inspiration for content, in the process of continuing to torture me even more brutally, even while several of your associates are witnesses to your behavior who refuse to truly hold you at all accountable or discourage you from continuing such behavior. It's also extremely deeply upsetting to me how easy it seems for you to say just a few words in a mere couple minutes on stream, yet fit such potent seeming fuckery in such a short period of time with such limited effort, that I need to spend literally several hours, if not multiple days of several hours each day, thinking, writing, revising, and polishing literal fucking essays that I find required to clearly articulate my response to it.
If you seriously want to consider the obviously romantic connection between us to ever have been some kind of "dating" despite the last thing you've ever directly said to me having been over 4 fucking years ago and one of the very last things around that time that you told me having been that we're "only distant friends" and you'd like to keep it that way, proceed to consider that we've "broken up" despite me clearly endlessly trying extremely hard to show you I truly love you and want to spend our lives together, and cite that as the reason for the effects in your life that have people leaving you comments saying you're glowing recently, then what you're really saying is literally that you blatantly unapologetically admit you've been thriving in multiple ways as a direct result of traumatizing me eternally incomparably extremely devastatingly with completely heartless extremely destructive predatory as fuck full-on psychopath behavior for the past half-decade, and you're literally confirming every single thing I've been saying about you being a completely irredeemable unapologetic piece of trash psychopath completely deserving of all the damage I can do to every possible aspect of your life leading up to and at the time of the in that case invariably unwaveringly inevitable event of The Great Retribution that will be invariably unwaveringly exacted upon you and everyone you love in the future after I finish my intense quantum energy harvesting mediation in isolation after seeing fully painfully clearly without a shadow of a doubt that you fully intend to commit to rejecting me and therefore invariably unwaveringly forcing me to start going down the extremely dark path in life of ending up an extremely brutal, cruel, unapologetic heartless dictator of the world that kills and destroys for fun.
For fuck's sake, understand things clearly. I will never be some pleb hamster on the wheel that works a job, has kids, raises a family, retires, and dies of old age. I will never feel right or truly accepted on Twitch or in the gaming scene in general if I can't have a proper, healthy, official relationship with you that results in marriage and spending our lives together. I will see professional success sooner or later whether or not anyone helps me. I will refuse to really embrace the resulting fame I'd have, regardless of ANY other circumstances, if I can't have the kind of relationship with you that I want and need to feel truly comfortable and accepted in society, and this is a position I hold out of the depths of genuine desire inside myself and not out of any degree of guilt, shame, or other ego-driven emotions. I will never be satisfied being alone forever, and this is not out of any expectation of a partner to substitute for qualities I lack. I will never commit suicide, and this is not out of any kind of delusional view of the value of my life or my potential.
If you really won't ever have a proper relationship with me, the only remaining option is for me to prove my professional potential while not caring to almost entirely isolate myself from others the whole time, force you to clearly fully commit to either starting to have the healthy relationship with me that I want and deserve or clearly fully commit to rejecting me and proving you've been the irredeemable unapologetic massive piece of shit I've been really worried you might be all these years, disable you from being able to think you can ever again get away with any more unapologetic predatory as fuck psychopath behavior towards me, do as much damage as possible to every aspect of your life while essentially retreating from society, do quantum energy harvesting meditation in isolation intensely for a few years, and then come out of isolation to exact The Great Retribution on you and everyone you love as I proceed to be a completely brutal, heartless, unapologetic dictator of the world that very frequently kills and destroys for fun.
If you actually feel like you don't care about something that's obviously had a deep impact on your life in several ways and will never get anywhere close to really going away, and really want to insist it's "out of your life and thoughts" and shit, it's not like I'm going to be provoked into suddenly taking more aggressive actions and doing stupid shit upon seeing that. I'm not a fucking monkey. I'm pursuing the same steps forward as I was before seeing you acting so suicidal, psychotic, and destructive.
I will refine the Minecraft mod I'm working on until I'm a much more famous legend than I already am with The Black Book by itself, proving that I have indeed this whole time been capable of casually becoming famous without anyone's help, and that I was clearly never pursuing a relationship with you for professional gain. Then, if you end up showing me that you clearly are actually committing to rejecting me, I will feel things out and see whether or not I feel like taking more aggressive actions of whatever degree in the more immediate future, and as I refuse to embrace my fame, I will proceed with intense quantum energy harvesting meditation in isolation and do so with increasing intensity until I'm ready to exact The Great Retribution on you and everyone you love, and follow through with the threats I've made, as I accept that the world is truly a shitty as fuck reeking dumpster fire hellhole that fully deserves me to become the extremely brutal, cruel, heartless dictator of the world that kills and destroys for fun that I will become in that case.
If that's truly my destiny, at least I no longer have to tolerate being delayed of my greatness, writing essay after essay only to end up further inspiring you and helping you reap benefits in multiple aspects of your life, while you only increasingly severely do extremely predatory fuckery towards me and abuse the genuine love I've had for you this whole time and try to erode at my mental health and drive me to suicide for your extremely disgustingly selfish, short-sighted, psychotic, and delusional perception of benefit. And you can start to suffer the consequences of being the piece of trash you are, in all the ways those exist, and you can proceed to struggle to attempt to best enjoy whatever is left of your invariably drastically shortened life until the time of The Great Retribution arrives.
I've said it many times and I'll say it again. You either have it in you to be a decent person, and you'll get the proper, healthy connection with me that you deserve and end up spending your life with me, and you'll make sure you start properly pursuing that before it's too late, or you're a completely irredeemable unapologetic massive piece of trash psychopath that is completely and invariably deserving of having The Great Retribution exacted upon you and everyone you love. Either way, you will get what you deserve.
And if you think simply "not thinking about it" and ceasing to regularly do slimy as fuck defamation of character and other hateful shit towards me means you're being at all apologetic, no, it really doesn't at all. Crawling away with your tail between your legs after you start to realize how severe the mistake you've made in trying to destroy my life how you were is and that you can't keep getting away with doing extremely predatory and psychotic shit that only makes things worse for you isn't being AT ALL apologetic. It's just not being so dysfunctionally suicidal that you'd want to promptly end it all yourself if you were that mentally unhealthy in the first place. It just means you have enough mental health to know you should at least be trying to appear functional enough so as not to be extra blatantly demonstrating how suicidal and psychotic you really are inside.
You've already went WELL past a point where you've CLEARLY demonstrated that you would've happily driven me to suicide for your extremely fucked up reasons if I wasn't as strong of a person as I am. There's no speck of ANY potential to appear EVEN THE SLIGHTEST BIT apologetic for what you've done to me unless you truly take the only possible proper action to make things right, and actually pursue a proper, healthy, serious romantic relationship and eventually marriage with me, before it's too late.
I have said all of this formally and in no uncertain terms. On top of a huge several hundred page book I've refined heavily, you've now gotten a formal warning of retribution and a formal leading statement that quite clearly attempts to most potently clarify the depth and sincerity of my position regarding this situation to the furthest extent reasonably possible. You have no excuses. Whether we end up together and things end wonderfully for both of us, or you make it painfully clear in the end that you're truly committing to rejecting me once and for all and things end extremely badly for you and everyone you love in the future (and ultimately the entire world), I already know I did my best to work towards a positive outcome and I will have no regrets.
All this being said, if you were not intending this comment to be a reference to your connection with me, then I'm really sorry for overreacting like this and likely leaving you even more worried that I'm too upset at you for you to ever be able to make things better. I want you to know that I really do love you immensely and I really do want you to reach out to me to be with me and make things right. I really hope you can understand that I'm just really on edge these days because the distance I'm seeing from you, as much as I recognize I need to be understanding and patient about it, is still really hurtful.