I understand that my true feelings, thoughts, intentions, and goals with writing and releasing the revised version of my book may still seem really vague. This was not intentional, and I'll make sure to rectify the issue with this statement.
I know everyone goes through their own difficulties in life. There's a lot one can go through in their lifetime, and I know there are many people in this world who have overcome great adversity. However, not a lot of people have had to go through the kind of life I've had to go through. I have yet to become aware of a single other person that has ever existed who carried themselves the way I can and do, being a Permanent Chief of the Shadow Confederation with a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension, being able to walk into a mental hospital on a court order for a psychological evaluation over writing a 500 page book I literally titled "Why I'm Going to Single-Handedly Destroy the World" where I included a hit list and described why and how I plan to follow through with the title and eventually wipe out the human race if the people important to me in my life won't start treating me much better, been completely open and honest with the licensed mental health professionals I talked to throughout the 60-day period of my evaluation about my thoughts, feelings, and intentions, and by the end having them tell me they were honored to have met me, do not feel confident I have any mental illness, and wishing me good luck in succeeding at achieving my goals.
I've dealt with an abusive mother, an abusive father, divorced parents, an abusive sibling, homelessness, getting robbed, guns pointed at me and my life threatened, almost raped by multiple gay men, confronted by the Shadow Confederation, harassed, bullied, gaslighted, and slandered by many relentlessly, had to overcome severe depression and anxiety, still deal with gender dysphoria every day to this day, have always felt unloved, unwanted, and alone in this world, overcame all my struggles without forming any addictions nor bad habits, constantly do my best to see reality clearly and to the very last possible moment seek a future for myself where I can both be loving and feel satisfied despite that being extremely difficult to achieve when you're as insanely powerful as me, and even despite all my efforts, I'm DRASTICALLY under-rewarded and STILL unloved, unwanted, unappreciated, and even HATED for SUCCEEDING to survive and overcome all my traumas and trying to be the most loving person I can be.
I've thought long and hard about all the circumstances of my life, and it's become painfully clear and obvious to me that there's literally no other way it's even remotely possible I'll get what I deserve, want, and need from my current circumstances if I'm to be sufficiently rewarded for my increasingly immense efforts throughout the past several years to take a positive and constructive path in my life despite the various extremely intense factors that have constantly and relentlessly attacked my sanity and desire to be a good person for so long now.
I want to make it clear that I don't, won't, and never wanted to bring anyone down to get ahead in life, whether it's professionally or emotionally. I've always been a kind, gentle, loving person by nature, and in this brutal and cutthroat modern society, it's unfortunately gotten me used and abused a disturbingly large amount of times and to a disturbingly detrimental extent at this point in my life, which is especially troubling as I have never been and will never be the type to enjoy such treatment. It has reached the point where despite my greatest efforts to seek positive future prospects for myself and those I care about most, I've only gotten beaten down and discouraged from continuing on a positive and constructive path, and it's really starting to seem like I should abandon all hope and embrace the deepest depths of the darkness within me that I've been trying so hard to push away and reject for so long now, and instead of fighting what the world seems to want to force me to become, simply embrace becoming the most cruel monster that I could ever possibly be. It's quite unfortunate that people are quick to assume the worst in people; it's ironic because their negative feedback is discouraging at best, and can be extremely destructive when done blindly, especially if inflicted upon powerful individuals. I think encouraging good acts inspire more good acts, and as I've committed myself to doing my absolute best to seek positive and constructive future prospects before deciding I've been forced to give up, it is my hope that in trying so hard to change things for the better, that just maybe those who I care about the most may come to understand me better and start treating me with the love and respect that I deserve.
At the heart of the struggles that have led to me needing to make this statement is my connection with the popular Twitch streamer Kimi Park, known as Plushys (formerly AngelsKimi). I first started talking to her early in 2017, and I met her in person shortly afterwards. I've shared an extremely unique connection with her throughout the years as I've been communicating with her, and we've gotten to know each other a lot better. I've formed extremely strong feelings for her, and I have no regrets about it whatsoever. It will forever be my deepest wish that she'd become mentally stable enough before it's too late, and one day truly understand how I feel about her, feel the same way about me as I feel about her, and feel comfortable openly and wholeheartedly reciprocating the endless love and affection I want to shower her with forever.
It was never my desire to have to so publicly express the extreme intricacy of my affection for Kimi which my attachment to her inspires in me. Sometimes I'm forced to be quite harsh and even frighteningly brutal, and I'm well aware that it may come off as malicious or perhaps even an indication of mental instability to many, which is quite unfortunate. Although I'm completely serious about and dead-set on my convictions and the path in life I'm going to be forced to take if I'm not treated properly before it's too late, it's quite unfortunate for me that my life circumstances and feelings are so complex that they are understandably easily misinterpreted.
In more recent times, Kimi has been diagnosed with inattentive ADHD. It's my suspicion that she was to some extent dishonest with the mental health professionals, whether by direct misrepresentation or omission of the full truth of her mental state, and she might've been diagnosed with additional and/or more serious mental illness if she'd been completely honest; this isn't something I'm blaming her for, however. Anyone who has mental illness or has a loved one in their life who does, knows how incredibly complicated and painful it can be to understand. In the past, I've chosen to hold back on speaking publicly about how this has affected my life, because I am very protective of Kimi's right to privacy when it comes to her mental health and personal life in general. However, in light of our connection having reached such a serious point where her mental health issues have led to the Shadow Confederation releasing FMA-27, now publicly known as COVID-19, and much worse things coming if Kimi's mental condition and her subsequent treatment towards me doesn't improve, I feel obligated to speak out on it.
Those that understand mental illness or even compulsive behavior know that it can be incredibly difficult when a loved one is heavily impacted by it. People who are unaware or far removed from this experience can be judgmental and not understand that the individual themselves have to engage in the process of getting help and actively working towards growth and healing, or it's pretty much impossible their condition will considerably improve on any consistent and lasting level, no matter how hard those in their lives try to guide and help them.
I understand Kimi is subject to criticism because she's a public figure and her actions at times can cause strong opinions and emotions. She is a brilliant but complicated person who on top of the pressures of being a content creator and public figure, has to deal with the pressure and isolation that is heightened by her mental health issues. Those who are close with Kimi know her heart and understand her words sometimes do not align with her true feelings and intentions.
Living with mental health issues does not diminish or invalidate her dreams and her creative ideas, no matter how big or unobtainable they may feel to some including perhaps even herself. She may act like she knows and accepts this, but I feel that she actually judges herself quite harshly for many things, and it intertwines with her mental health issues detrimentally and makes things worse. We as a society talk about giving grace to the issue of mental health as a whole, however we should also give it to the individuals who are living with it in times when they need it the most. I kindly ask that the public give us the compassion and empathy that is needed so that we can get through this.
That being said, if Kimi turns out to truly be an extremely irredeemable, unforgivable, brutal, cruel, heartless psychopath that's dead-set on ultimately rejecting me, despite knowing how severely it's to the detriment of herself, her family, her friends, their families, and ultimately the entire world, then I do not and will never have even the slightest bit of any part of my being that is even remotely willing to even so much as entertain the possibility that I will have even the slightest bit of mercy, pity, or forgiveness for the extremely deeply hurtful and damaging (not to mention immensely insulting) behavior and attitude that Kimi will have made extremely clear she intends to ultimately hold for the remainder of her in that case drastically shortened life. In that case, she doesn't deserve anyone else's mercy either.
There is an extremely special place for her in this world either way, and she will soon finally have to choose once and for all what kind of place she wants it to be.
I have set a final deadline for Kimi to get herself together and start treating me properly, before I start heading down the path of meditating in isolation to become an extremely brutal and cruel dictator of the planet that unapologetically utilizes the full extent of my power however I damn well please at any given point in time. I'd start to rapidly lose hope for any constructive and positive future life prospects after the deadline, until I completely give up and go into the forest to start fully embracing the darkness.
Past the deadline, I'm absolutely certain that if Kimi's not just screwing with me, then she'll rather quickly (and certainly before I disappear into the forest) directly contact me and be extremely loving and affectionate and make it extremely clear that she loves me to death and wants to date, marry, and spend her life with me. As such, I'll be unwaveringly completely closed off to any possibility whatsoever of any further communication with her past that point unless she starts taking the situation a lot more seriously, treating me with a lot more love and respect, as I deserve from her, and communicating with me in a direct, proper, healthy manner that is actually conductive to entering into a relationship with me and showing me that I have very good reason to believe I'm not wasting my time if I communicate with her any further.
If you're reading this after coming across an insane source code release for a game, that means this final deadline I set has passed and Kimi still hasn't started treating me properly. If it's been more than 2 or 3 months after that source code has been released, then I'm already meditating in isolation in a forest and basically the world is fucked, not that you're likely to be sharp and clear headed enough to acknowledge it, nor in any way capable of changing it.
I've already told Kimi all of this in private, and I promised her I'd share it in public; I keep my promises.
Before getting into everything, I find it most appropriate to start off right from the beginning by providing indisputable evidence that Kimi has indeed quite clearly expressed intense affection towards me in the past. I've stated so many times, however I've found that showing people actual clips of it is a lot more effective. I've preferred to refrain from sharing any of these in the past, because I didn't want to come off like I was antagonistically trying to "expose" Kimi with some kind of malicious intent and seeking revenge or closure to move on, since those things are not what I'm after, but the situation has reached such a serious point now that I feel I must at least share a little bit of proof in order to support the intensity and integrity of my position.
I've already shared this with some of Kimi's friends privately, and it seems they were quite shocked. Apparently, Kimi has been massively lying to everyone around her, completely denying ever having expressed feelings for me. Knowing the truth clearly had an effect on them, but it still hasn't produced the effect I wanted it to have on Kimi of her starting to communicate with me directly and treat me properly; as such, I'm hoping the completion and release of this statement publicly may do so before it's too late and things become very dark. Anyways, on to the proof.
This happened shortly after I told Kimi that I can't handle just being friends with her, and that if she truly "just wanted to remain distant friends" as she had told me when I'd confronted her about less direct affection she had expressed towards me in public previously, I had to completely leave her life, because I wanted a lot more than that and I had told her that extremely clearly from the very beginning; right after I met her in person literally only about a month after I joined her community, when she flew out to Toronto for the 2nd time within 3 months, more than anything else just to see me, I had already confessed my love for her.
Notice how very shortly after I say my message in chat, with a name that makes it look like we're dating yet she didn't ban me for having for the longest time might I add (AngelsShatteredWings), she gets visibly nervous and tries to smoothly change the song intentionally to one she specifically picked that expresses she was regretful for trying to play off her feelings towards me as ones towards Pants. If you can read microexpressions, you'd even notice that RIGHT after she reads my message, as she's playing it off that she's talking about Pants, she flashes this expression of guilt, worry, and sadness on her face. She even starts panicking even harder when Pants arrives, and quite visibly feels really embarrassed that now someone she actually just saw as a friend thought she was actually into him really hard secretly. She literally said she's REALLY INVESTED IN ME. She even went so far as to call what we had a lowkey long-distance relationship, when in private she LITERALLY told me that we were only "distant friends" and that's "all she ever wanted to be".
I'll refrain from posting screenshots of her messages to me, because I'm not trying to come off antagonistic towards her.
This behavior was really upsetting and felt very distant to me, and it hurt me a lot that she was acting this way, but I figured she must really just not care enough if she'd rather do this strange shit and send intense mixed messages than communicate with me properly, so I gave her space, abruptly completely stopped sending her any DMs, talking in her Discord server, or talking in her stream chat. I was silently really sad and angry, but I felt like there was nothing I could really do, and that just made the pain worse. Within less than 2 months, she had a mental breakdown on stream, and I started sending messages to Leslie to pass them on to Kimi, since Kimi had disabled Discord DMs from people she wasn't friends with, her Twitter DMs were closed, and I didn't have her personal email address at that point. I'll refrain from sharing a clip of that as it's quite emotional and once again I'm not trying to come off antagonistic towards her. Anyways, here's another one.
At this time, I was getting really upset at Kimi for being so distant and giving so many mixed messages to me, sending essays to Leslie to pass on to her. As you can see, she's visibly going crazy, LITERALLY saying "I am going insane", and LITERALLY talking about having found the "perfect person in her life" and that she feels this sense of her deciding to "just settle" for something less, even though she really doesn't want to, with the way that she's living her life. Perhaps to someone that doesn't know about her connection with me and how I was sending her huge walls of text through Leslie regularly telling her she's the love of my life, my dream woman, and the person I want to spend my life with, then maybe this comment might seem innocent and random.
I'll spare you screenshots of essays I've sent Leslie to pass on to Kimi, but I can tell you that after I shared just these 2 clips and the background behind them with some of Kimi's friends, they ended up having a serious talk with her and deciding they need therapy themselves because of how fucked up they felt for blindly trusting her lies about me.
This is just a TINY fraction of a HUGE ARCHIVE of shit like this that I have that proves many, MANY things Kimi's done that are SHADY AS ALL FUCK if she doesn't have EXTREMELY INTENSE intimate feelings for me that deep in her heart she wants to pursue. Based on what you can see in that last clip, it seems that she's starting to come to terms with her feelings in more recent times, and wants to start embracing the intensely intimate feelings she feels towards me deep inside her heart, but I'm not going to wait forever, and I'm not going to sit around letting her go at snail speed with starting to face and act upon her emotions properly to the point that I start doubting if they're even really there.
Before moving on to the body of this statement, I want to mention that if I end up having to release my source to the public and throw away all constructive future prospects in favor of meditation in isolation, if anyone ever claims to be me, and being willing to move on, know that this site's continued existence is proof that they are a fake.
The rest of this statement will be written as addressed to Kimi.
How the FUCK do you think this is fucking okay to say? WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT KIND OF FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT LUNATIC ARE YOU TO FUCKING FLAUNT YOUR EXTREMELY PREDATORY ATTITUDE LIKE THIS?! HOLY FUCK. LITERALLY NOT THE SLIGHTEST BIT OF HESITATION, IT WAS INSTANTLY THE FIRST FUCKING THING ON YOUR MIND. FUCKING INSANE, AND NOT IN A GOOD WAY.
What, are you going to seriously tell me you think I'M the fucking predatory one here trying to use you?! WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I USED YOU FOR?! TELL ME! WHAT?! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK I'D EVER USE YOU FOR IF YOU STARTED TREATING ME BETTER, WHEN I HAVE THE ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD IN THE PALM OF MY HAND AFTER A FEW YEARS IN ISOLATION?! WHAT KIND OF FUCKING ATTITUDE IS THIS?! Who's fucking breaking who's heart right now by being completely resistant to proper communication?! WHAT IS FUCKING WRONG WITH YOU?!
You do realize that I'M LITERALLY ON THE VERGE OF THROWING AWAY ALL OF MY CONSTRUCTIVE FUTURE LIFE PROSPECTS BECAUSE YOU'RE BREAKING MY HEART, RIGHT??? HOW IN THE FUCK AM I USING YOU?? USING YOU TO HAVE AN EXCUSE TO THROW AWAY LIVING A HAPPY AND POSITIVE LIFE SO I CAN JUSTIFY BEING A MONSTER AND JUST TRYING TO PUT ON A FACADE THAT IT'S NOT WHAT I ALWAYS WANTED WHEN SECRETLY DEEP IN MY HEART IT IS AND I'M JUST A MASSIVE MORON FOR TRYING TO PRETEND IT ISN'T?? WHAT THE FUCK??
DO YOU JUST DOUBT THIS FUCKING MUCH THAT I'M A GOOD PERSON WITH GOOD INTENTIONS TOWARDS YOU IN MY HEART AND WILL REMAIN GOOD AS LONG AS YOU TREAT ME PROPERLY?! IS IT REALLY THAT FUCKING HARD TO BELIEVE THAT I JUST WANT TO FUCKING SPEND MY LIFE WITH YOU AND BE HAPPY TOGETHER AND HAVE SOMEONE I REALLY CARE ABOUT AND FEEL EXTREMELY CLOSE TO THAT I CAN SHARE MY LIFE WITH?! You always fucking hurt me SO much Kimi. WILL IT EVER FUCKING STOP?! ARE YOU REALLY THIS FUCKED UP?! AND YOU THINK YOU CAN BE THIS WAY AND YOU WON'T GET FUCKED UP?! NO WONDER YOU FUCKING NEED THERAPY!!
TWICE now, you've shied away from discussing your connection with me, the EXTREMELY obvious BY FAR most serious case of something you could consider sexual harassment, if you really don't like me, like you act to the public (and even your close friends) is the case.
WHAT FEELINGS AND WHAT TRUTH ARE YOU REFERRING TO, HM?? HOW CAN YOU CONSCIOUSLY HOLD AND INSIST ON FEELINGS THAT YOU FEEL SO CLEARLY AWARE ARE NOT IN LINE WITH REALITY AND DON'T MAKE SENSE YET YOU STILL HOLD THEM??? THERAPY ISN'T DOING NEARLY ENOUGH FOR YOU!!! NICE MASSIVE HESITATION THE WHOLE TIME AND NERVOUS SWALLOW AT THE END BTW. YOU FUCKING PRACTICALLY CHOKE EVERY TIME YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT TALKING ABOUT THIS, YET DON'T TAKE THE TIME TO FUCKING GET YOUR HEAD SCREWED ON STRAIGHT?? AND YOU THINK THINGS ARE GOING TO BE FINE???
Why the flying fuck do you think you deserve validation for a position you want to present as holding with intensity (that I'm a stalker) while also extremely quickly completely shying away from actually getting into ANY details, instead even "making your position clear" in such a way that just demonstrates an extreme lack of confidence in the position you're presenting by elaborating that you yourself acknowledge that a woman's position shouldn't be taken at face value because men are lied about too?!
The only thing you made clear with what you said there was that you're well aware that the way you're presenting things is consciously dishonest and you believe you deserve validation for it regardless! YOU DON'T DESERVE VALIDATION FOR THAT AT ALL! What you said there is actually very harmful to women with real traumas, because what you're saying resolves to the notion that women should feel justified in seeking validation for consciously being dishonest about how men treated them, practically regardless of the extent of dishonesty, as long as they don't specifically mention who it is or somehow present things in a way that makes them feel as though they still gave what they consider at least the very minimal level of respect to the person they lied about.
THAT'S FUCKED, KIMI.
Oh? After I start exposing things, now you're trying to put into question if you're even really single?
Well, I sure as hell wouldn't call what we have now, with you not having directly communicated with me in over 2 years, a relationship. I have my suspicions about who you might be secretly dating, but you can rest assured I'll make sure to fuck that up for you as much as possible.
It's quite obvious you're not satisfied if you are in a relationship right now anyways, and I have plenty sufficient evidence to prove that, as well as that you're a terrible person that truly deserves the extremely dark fate you would've doomed yourself to if you ultimately reject me.
So THIS is your attitude shortly after I expose the true nature of your connection with me to your friends and the person I suspect you might even be secretly dating and lying to this whole time that you never had feelings for me?
Blatantly flaunting how you're cucking the living shit out of whoever you're with, and that if you plan to marry them, you plan to deny the fuck out of them? You're obviously not happy with whatever relationship you're in if you're in one, ESPECIALLY when your fucking dogs are bringing you more pleasure than a human partner.
If you're in a relationship right now, it's pathetic as fuck and you know it.
You'd better sure as hell know you're having a whole lot of sex with me every single day if you're trying to save yourself from the extremely dark fate that you have otherwise, so I already know you sure as hell aren't talking about me here.
I didn't know what the slang for "Champion's Club" meant, so I looked it up. Of course, you already know what comes up when you Urban Dictionary it.
When you cheat on your significant other Austin: "I never see my girlfriend man, I need to get some pussy" Gabe: "You can always join the champions club"
This makes things EVEN WORSE. Blatantly flaunting that you take pleasure in cheating on a significant other?
I'll put aside casting judgement on you for your character, but I can say that if you ARE in some secret relationship, it's CLEARLY not a healthy one, and that guy is a massive fucking beta cuck that needs to cut it off with you ASAP.
Oh, how nice of you to so clearly intentionally give me a wonderful view of your perfect goddess butt, especially amongst all the extremely intense dialogue I've been giving you about jerking off to you extremely intensely for hours every single day (and sometimes even entire days straight) and looking forward to any view of that absolutely perfect butt of yours to absolutely milk the shit out of my cock to.
For anyone that may question if this was intentional, I'm certain the way you intently stared at the view of your camera on your monitor to make sure you're giving a really good view as you bend down and give a wonderful view of the curve shape of your perfect butt, which makes no sense otherwise given the situation of you nervously preparing to jump off the edge of your bed, should make your thought process behind what you were doing clear enough.
As I've already shared with you in private, you're well aware I got quite a few pictures with an extremely wonderful view from this stream alone, that I jerk off to every day for hours, and I suppose I should thank you for that.
It does make any relationship you might be in with someone else even more pathetic though.
You haven't gotten angry at anyone but yourself ever since you started therapy? I call bullshit on that one. That's a real huge, steaming, reeking pile of bullshit. You probably feel angry towards me every single fucking day. It's quite hard to imagine you acting the way you are if you don't.
So you want to shit talk me and project like fuck and try to convince yourself and your friends and the rest of the world that I'm a bad person at heart, when in reality, you're the one acting like one? You've done it before; you'll do it again, no doubt.
I'll show you who really disappointed who.
And I'll ALWAYS be angry at you for it, make no mistake about that.
You empathize with Celine so much because she ALMOST got raped and has had an emotionally abusive relationship in the past, but I've went through things magnitudes worse, still ended up an inhumanly good person in comparison to what pretty much anyone else who has gone through even a fraction of that pretty much always ends up becoming, yet you treat me like I'm a scary awful person you wish would go away and/or drop dead, despite you clearly being conscious of your very intentional behavior that has constantly led me to believe you're deeply attracted to me?! What the fucking fuck?! And you think I'm NOT going to end up feeling deeply wronged and seeking retribution if you don't change your attitude towards me?! This is BEYOND dumb! WAY beyond it!
This situation is really complicated. Do you think I'd talk to you this way if you were actually communicating with me properly? Of course not! I've even told you I wouldn't pressure you to make a relationship with me official if you need time before you feel comfortable. I'm constantly doing everything I can to try to make things work, but it's never enough for you. I'm under an insane amount of stress and pressure and feel extremely worried that I'm literally going to end up seeing all the immense efforts I put into being a loving and constructive person fall apart and all my positivity shatter in an instant, with the final deadline I'll ever give you approaching closer every day. Of course I'm upset and I don't find it appropriate to be completely calm and very kind! Can you even imagine how you'd feel if you were me?! I really think you're either not doing that at all, or not trying NEARLY hard enough!
Celine writes a tiny essay, one that doesn't even approach the length of the majority of messages I've sent you on a regular basis for over 2 years now, about a couple traumatic experiences she's had, and she gets a flood of love and support and people telling her she's brave and was treated unfairly by the world. I overcome a shitton more than her and write a fucking 500 page book trying to fix a relationship I absolutely need in my life, in the only way I could see possible, and I get bashed and hated and even fucking subjected to a court case and a psychological evaluation which I had to pass for society to even accept I deserve freedom. Celine wrote an essay to try to prove she's been through shit, thinking I'm acting blindly and immaturely for being upset at you and pressuring you to act better to me, but I can summarize how my life is magnitudes worse than anything she or any of the other people that have come out with their stories during the trend had to go through, in only one sentence.
I've dealt with an abusive mother, an abusive father, divorced parents, an abusive sibling, homelessness, getting robbed, guns pointed at me and my life threatened, almost raped by multiple gay men, confronted by the Shadow Confederation, harassed, bullied, gaslighted, and slandered by many relentlessly, had to overcome severe depression and anxiety, still deal with gender dysphoria every day to this day, have always felt unloved, unwanted, and alone in this world, overcame all my struggles without forming any addictions nor bad habits, constantly do my best to see reality clearly and to the very last possible moment seek a future for myself where I can both be loving and feel satisfied despite that being extremely difficult to achieve when you're as insanely powerful as me, and even despite all my efforts, I'm DRASTICALLY under-rewarded and STILL unloved, unwanted, unappreciated, and even HATED for SUCCEEDING to survive and overcome all my traumas and trying to be the most loving person I can be.
Listen and listen really fucking good. You're dealing with a Permanent Chief of the Shadow Confederation with a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension. This is how I describe myself. I'm a victim to an INSANE amount of trauma and abuse, but how do you see me defining myself? Do I define myself as a victim? Do I say I'm entitled to rewards simply for having experienced pain? Do I justify remaining weak because others pushed me down and wanted me to be? No. I was a pathetic, worthless loser that was extremely depressed, anxious, suicidal, unloved, unwanted, abandoned and alone in this world, and instead of giving up and becoming a drug addict, criminal, or just ending it all, I picked myself up, found a piece of metal, sharpened my blade of reality, and started slaughtering anyone and anything that tried to kick me down. I became my own therapist, and a damn fucking amazing one. I NEEDED to be, or I would've been killed or killed myself long ago. That's how brutal my life has been.
Considering what kind of a monster I can be, on top of how hard I've tried not to be, if you want to ultimately reject me, you DESERVE to be afraid, just as you deserve the dark fate you will have. I don't care about your judgements, I don't care about how you want to try to draw parallels or whatever the fuck, and I don't care about your excuses. I want what I want and I deserve to get it and if I don't then there is a steep price to be paid and I will make sure it is paid. If you'll treat me right, then you can feel safe. If not, I don't care however you want to try to "expose" me or whatever the fuck else you think you can do to me, and I won't be the slightest bit afraid nor the slightest bit inclined to change my position. I swear on God, on my life, on anything you believe in, and believe me, I'll have no trouble whatsoever following through.
It was only through such immense suffering that I've achieved such immense greatness. You have not felt comparable suffering, and accordingly you have not attained such greatness. I know what I deserve, and I know I don't care to cause fear if I have to. It has nothing to do with me being born a man, much the same as it has nothing to do with me feeling like a woman inside. You have feelings? Well so do I. Feelings are feelings, but reality is reality, and the reality is you don't want to try fighting with someone who has a blade magnitudes longer than you have the vision to even see, although by all means, go right ahead if you're so inclined.
Just get some fucking glasses, cuz you're REALLY gonna need them.
Society has conditioned people away from feeling truly fulfilled, and brainwashed the masses into prioritizing feeling as safe and comfortable emotionally as possible at all times. This feeds right into inherent human nature with how ego works, and is the reason most would be complete morons to consider themselves anything remotely close to "enlightened" or even truly intelligent. Understanding this is partially the reason why I'm able to be as patient and understanding with you as I am. At least as of this moment, I know better than to simply believe with absolute conviction that you're just an irredeemable awful piece of shit. As much as I blame you for certain things, I also blame the generations of the human race that have been filled with ignorance and ego, so heavily inclined and biased towards such heavy desire for emotional comfort. This considerably contributes to why you feel so justified in being how you're being.
This is how I see things. If you really don't hate me so much to actually call me out and shit on me in public, even after everything, then it means you really do want to milk my dick for eternity REALLY fucking bad.
You must really know, at least subconsciously, that you want to be with me forever really badly. It seems you must feel like that feeling is wrong somehow, and it's pretty obvious why. You feel like it's "normal" and expected of you to see me as a stalker and want to push me away, and your ego-driven delusions from your views formed using societal standards that it's more monetarily beneficial to you to see things that way and act upon them as such is what is pushing you to be this way so strongly.
Still, understanding alone is not a solution. Being able to rationalize attitudes and behavior doesn't excuse them, nor inherently cause emotional equilibrium when one is acting incongruently with reality, which you may not be in tune with if you're one of the many with lesser awareness of your emotions and how human psychology works in general.
What worries and frustrates me greatly is how I know that the intuitive feelings you have aren't necessarily guaranteed to overpower the "rational" ones that society has brainwashed and conditioned upon you to have. I know it's a lot to expect such greatness from you to overcome such intense and deeply-rooted brainwashing, but I wouldn't fall in love with someone that I shouldn't hope to see greatness from. As worried as I may be that my attempts to get through to you may be futile, I can't help but try until the last moment it makes any real sense. After all, you really are the most gorgeous and perfectly voluptuous goddess that could ever exist as far as I'm concerned. What's even crazier to me is that not only is your body so uniquely absolute perfection, but even your personality is so extremely unique and seemingly just so perfectly such that I somehow formed such a deep emotional connection with you unlike I've ever had in my life and ever thought I'd even be able to have. I really mean it when I say you're extremely special and precious to me for multiple reasons.
That being said, I find it necessary to tell you that it seems like on top of being extremely dumb, you're also a massive pussy as well. Man, I really am going to have a lot of work ahead of me to really turn you into a proper queen of the world if you at least shape up enough before it's too late in order to save yourself from an extremely dark fate. Well, at least you know I wouldn't be trying this hard if I didn't truly think you're worth it.
You certainly aren't refraining from going in on me because you think it's more monetarily beneficial not to; in fact, from your perspective, you'd be inclined to believe the attention you'd get from drama that you could feel so justified indulging would actually make you more famous and help you make more money. It seems like a perfect opportunity to do it when there's practically a trend of "exposing" this kind of shit, so you have even more reason to feel justified in it.
You certainly aren't refraining from going in on me because you think I need you not to. If I actually needed you to be "nice" to me and hold back on "exposing" me, I certainly wouldn't be talking to you this harshly and practically pushing you to fucking go in if you're so fucking suicidal you actually want to do it. You know that based on how I'm treating you, I simply don't know what to expect, and I should understand you have plenty of reason to feel justified either way. I'll refrain from publicly mentioning the kind of dark things I've threatened to do to you if you won't treat me properly before this deadline is passed and it becomes too late, but I'm not afraid to admit that I have said some very dark things, and I have EVERY intention to FULLY follow through on them if you don't start treating me A LOT better before it's too late; you don't have some moral obligation to hold back either if you really see me as a stalker in the depths of your heart.
From my perspective, I'd actually benefit if you actually called me out and gave me attention, because I have a fucking huge book to shit on you with and all you have is "oh no he's such a creepy stalker I don't deserve this, he threatens me and tells me about touching himself to me all the time" meanwhile I write in detail about all the shit you've done over the years and I have clips, VODs, and screenshots to prove shit if it comes down to that. You trying to "expose" me would actually backfire really fucking hard and you'd end up destroying yourself because you'd end up facilitating me exposing your fuckery, since you bringing attention to it would actually prompt people to look into the details of what happened, and when people actually get into the details and don't just blindly simp and pity you, the waters clearly become much more muddy and in fact I dare say considerably skew in my favor, as the inherent bias people have to take your side is gone and they now have to actually objectively analyze the situation in order to make a more meaningful judgement, and even if you'd still get a bunch of people blindly supporting you, you'd basically just get yourself a lot more haters.
You want to prove me wrong? Want to stay an angry, stubborn, spoiled, arrogant bitch that considers me an awful stalker instead of someone clearly deserving of the relationship with you that I'm after? CALL ME OUT FOR REAL THEN, PUSSY! I told you, I'm not scared! YOU are the one not acting in line with reality and not really getting in tune with your true emotions, and subsequently YOU are the one that should be scared! You either respect and love me enough to start treating me properly before it's too late, or you irredeemably stubbornly maintain that I'm an awful stalker that should be punished for how I've treated you! If you're going to insist on the latter, THEN FUCKING ACT LIKE IT! START SHOWING ME YOU TRULY HATE THE ATTENTION I GIVE YOU!
If you aren't going to do it, then accept that you need to hop on my dick real good before it's too late. Because you really might as well go in and start hating on me outright if you're never gonna hop on my dick. Perhaps it's a little crude to say it like that, but like, it's big facts. And yes, I know, you can't LITERALLY hop on my dick for some time until the world settles down from this pandemic and whatnot, but you know what I mean. I don't need to be in your bedroom to get an email from you saying that you love me a lot and really want to make me feel good. I'm not even demanding nudes; I literally at least just want to start having more proper and healthy communication that actually shows clear progression towards a proper physical relationship and eventually marriage.
You know why you didn't actually call me out? Because deep down, you know I love you immensely and don't want to have to become a monster. You know I deserve to be with you. You know you're terrified of denying me of it. You know you're deeply touched by my continued intense affection. You know there's a place in your heart with extremely intense warmth for me that you're denying. You know I turn you on a lot. You know I'm right about everything. And you know you're wrong for acting how you are.
You know that I could've chosen to genuinely witch hunt you like they did to JennaMarbles and pressure you to quit because of what you did to me and then seek retribution in the darkness of actions to follow after isolation and meditation in the forest regardless of if you got punished by others or not, instead of genuinely pressuring you to actually learn and grow and become a better person and treat me right. After what you put me through, I have 2 real options: seek you to be punished and punish you myself however I see fit, or seek you to grow and treat me right and be with me like you know I badly want. You know you're EXTREMELY lucky I have such a big heart and care about you so much that I'm open to forgiving you and trying to make the latter work before deciding you're not worthy of forgiveness and the former is the only option I really have. Because casually looking over how you broke my heart and crushed my ideals, regardless of how much you may change in ways ultimately extremely unsatisfying to me, is NOT a fucking option AND YOU FUCKING KNOW IT. You don't get to just grow and change a little, ultimately in a way that's still just extremely selfish and mostly exactly the way you were, and think that's enough to make up for MASSIVE fuckery.
It's so fucking ironic too how your selfishness and greed for money is actually holding you back from much more money you'd get with me in your life properly. As I'm certain I'll have no problem proving quite clearly to you, I'd have a solid MMO game product that gets its own attention and would naturally be able to make me a living on its own if I actually pursued commercializing it properly instead of just throwing its source out into the wild just to terrorize you and everyone else. That's not even mentioning that I'd also want to become a streamer, which would naturally generate its own additional revenue stream. If I'm making a lot of money, obviously my wife is going to enjoy the benefits of that along with me.
You know that I have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to be afraid of and have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to lose without you, and you do NOT want to fuck over someone like that, ESPECIALLY when they're terrifyingly powerful. You're treating my kindness as weakness when it actually shows remarkable strength, and such a deluded perspective is only set up to be crushed time and time again.
Are you forgetting how much damage I could do to your life if I actually pursued getting the revised version of my book exposure, ESPECIALLY adding on top the source I'm currently working on? Or are you actually just too damn stupid to realize it? I'd destroy your image and sanity and disappear into the forest to return when I'm the unstoppable beast cruel dictator of this planet, while you, your friends, and whatever partner you may have are left facing the world and all its judgement and punishments for your fuckery. What you did to me is LITERALLY the reason the world is fucking on fire right now, you're fucking diving into making it worse because you want to insist on your extremely ignorant and selfish attitude, and you want to threaten ME with giving me exposure that would ruin YOUR life FOR ME?
For now, I guess I'll just keep working on progressing this source, as well as of course jerking off to you for hours every day. I'll also keep giving you updates every few days or at least once every week or two. I'll remain upset if you remain distant, but I'll keep trying to get through to you and start getting treated properly by you, as stupid as it may be, until the very last moment it makes any real sense. If you extremely stupidly decide not to treat me properly before the end of this final deadline, then I'll follow through on everything I've said. If you want to already crush whatever hope I have left that I can make things work, which you really might as well if you truly don't intend to start treating me properly before this final deadline, then by all means, call me out for real and do your fucking worst to show me very clearly that I'm extremely stupid for trying to see such warmth and a positive side to you, and prove to me early that fully embracing the darkness is what I should truly expect already. It'd save me the effort of wasting so much time and energy continuing to be so sensitive and attentive and trying so hard to be understanding and patient with you with so many fucking essays, and I could much better use that time developing the code base further to have something of higher quality to traumatize you with further right before leaving for isolation in the forest to start following through on fully embracing the darkness of the worst person I can be.
Recently, with the Fed drama, you mentioned your own personal experiences with him. In a following stream, I saw you talking about how you feel powerful and like you can destroy someone's career if you want. Well, for starters, it's HILARIOUSLY LAUGHABLE that you'd feel like you destroyed Fed's career; it was already destroyed WELL before you threw in your 2 cents.
It's ESPECIALLY fucking retarded that you have this attitude when you yourself admit that you feel "exposing" shit is bad for "both sides". I can't speak for the people involved in the Fed drama, but I certainly can speak for myself.
You think you'd be doing bad for me if you "exposed" me? YOU'RE FUCKING HILARIOUS. If you won't be with me, I'M FUCKING GONE INTO THE FOREST IN ISOLATION AFTER DROPPING A VALUABLE SOURCE TO THE PUBLIC FOR ABSOLUTELY FREE TO TRAUMATIZE YOU ANYWAYS. I GIVE LITERALLY ZERO FUCKS ABOUT PEOPLE'S JUDGMENTS AND SHIT. YOU would be the one that suffers a TON from that. So, in the end, you're refraining from talking about things because you LITERALLY know it'd hurt you A LOT more than it'd EVER hurt me. You've LITERALLY already demonized me from all of Twitch and ruined my reputation, and also decimated all my desire to be constructive and positive if I can't be with you forever.
I have NOTHING to lose from even THE WHOLE FUCKING WRATH OF THE INTERNET hating me. But YOU? You'd have a ton more stress every time before you hit the "Start Stream" button. At the end of the day, even YOU YOURSELF admit it's EXTREMELY obvious that you're refraining from talking about things not out of EVEN THE SLIGHTEST BIT of respect for me, but COMPLETELY out of EXTREME selfishness on your end. If you're not going to be with me, then you're just demonstrating how clearly unapologetically predatory of a person you are.
You also mentioned at one point that sometimes people seek exposing shit for revenge. If you won't be with me properly, I'm sure you must be over there DELUSIONALLY DREAMING that revenge is what I'm after. If that's the case, you really are a moron. Revenge is petty, childish, and only pursued by weak-minded and shitty people. Even what could be considered the greatest form of mortal revenge on you, which is probably me popping off and crushing your image, ultimately canceling your career and ruining your friendships and romantic relationship prospects, while becoming even more successful than you are now in a considerably short period of time in the process, wouldn't even REMOTELY truly satisfy me, and it isn't nor was it ever what I'm after.
If you won't treat me properly and start dating me before this final deadline passes, what I'm after is deeply satisfying retribution.
If you won't be with me in the end, you EXTREMELY cruelly teased the fuck out of me for years, constantly dangling your perfect goddess body you knew I saw as such, and the possibility of getting to engage in a lifetime of consensual sexual activities with you along with a deeply intimate emotional connection, in front of my face like a carrot, always seemingly just barely out of reach, while being VERY CLEARLY warned from the VERY beginning that I'm an EXTREMELY powerful person and TERRIFYING to fuck with in such a way. You had no issue looking down on me to an unforgivably insulting and disrespectful extent, dreaming of leaving me so sexually frustrated and spiritually broken that I end up killing myself or spending my life in a mental hospital, while using and abusing me for every bit of attention, affection, inspiration, knowledge, pity, money... ANYTHING you could, before leaving me to end up with such miserable future prospects, knowing I'd already been through hell and back and STILL had not lived an even REMOTELY satisfying life, wanting me to NEVER truly have lived feeling ANY real level of satisfaction or happiness in my entire existence.
The level of a slimy piece of shit psychopath trash heartless monster of a person it'd take to be that way, someone who, from my perspective (which realistically is the only one that matters in this regard), I'm more than justified in seeing as not even worthy of being seen as a human being, finds it acceptable to behave in a fashion displaying such deeply disturbing insolence and disrespect towards me... even losing their career, friends, and romantic partner is not even REMOTELY enough to truly satisfy me. I'll refrain from publicly discussing exactly what kinds of dark things I believe you'd deserve and that I'd therefore start actively working towards executing upon you, but I've told you about them in great detail, and I stand by every single thing I've said 100%.
I'd really prefer if you were actually a decent human being and would treat me properly and had healthy desires and intentions and would express the deep affection towards me that I deserve to receive from you, but if you're such a piece of trash that you did everything you've done and don't want to have a relationship with me and would prefer to be extremely hateful instead, then clearly throwing away all my constructive future prospects to traumatize you, going into the forest, meditating in isolation for about 2-3 years, and then following through on all the dark things I've told you about once I come out will have to suffice. Someone of my caliber, having gone through the kinds of things I've had to go through, not only in my life in general, but ESPECIALLY with you, deserves to settle for no less.
Simply allowing (with A LOT of struggle and obvious anger and resent on your end, might I add, which makes it worse but still wouldn't make it even remotely satisfying even if you weren't that selfish and slimy) me to get some petty revenge on you, which probably won't even be close to the greatest mortal revenge I could possibly get on you, wouldn't even REMOTELY scratch the surface of being the slightest BIT satisfying to me. It's EXTREMELY INSULTINGLY LITTLE as compensation for how DEEPLY disturbed and perpetually unhappy I'll be with not getting a satisfying lifelong relationship and regular consensual sexual activities with you, as my soul will forever more deeply crave it than anything else one could possibly fathom within existence.
You think you can destroy my career? WHAT CAREER? OH, YOU MEAN THE ONE I'VE ALREADY REFRAINED FROM PURSUING AND THRIVING IN BECAUSE I'VE BEEN FAR TOO BUSY OBSESSING OVER TRYING TO MAKE MY RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU WORK FOR THE PAST FUCKING 3+ YEARS? TOO BAD I DON'T FUCKING CARE TO TRY TO HAVE ONE IF YOU WON'T BE WITH ME ANYWAYS. The only thing you can destroy is my dreams and desire to be a constructive, positive, loving person. And if you destroy that, at the very least, you, your friends, and your family are SO fucking screwed, if not also (probably, sooner or later) the rest of the world.
Understand you should expect no less. Expect to be left deeply traumatized and regularly having nightmares when you sleep the whole time I'd be meditating in isolation, until I come out and start bringing your worst nightmares to reality. If you plan to deny me of a proper relationship with you despite how much I deserve it and how healthy it is for me to want it, I'll show you what it means to know the fear of God. Do you understand what no fucking mercy means?! I can fucking do WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT after about 3 years in isolation at most, even if I throw away all of my mortal skills and prospects beforehand, and you have NOTHING without your mortal shit, because you never sought self-improvement and extreme depth in life like me. I'm on A WHOLE OTHER LEVEL from ANYONE else you've ever known in your fucking life, and I'm not afraid to show it! YOU WILL DEEPLY REGRET WRONGING ME.
I saw you talking about having some kind of ADHD, and that changes absolutely nothing. I don't care if you have ADHD, borderline personality disorder, bipolar, fuck I don't care if you have fucking schizophrenia or some shit. THIS DEADLINE IS YOUR LAST AND NOTHING IS A FUCKING EXCUSE. Your brain was functional enough to get this far into a connection with me. Your brain was functional enough to laugh in my face at the end of last year and think I was too pathetic to come back with a vengeance and dead-set on spending my life with you and being intimate with you often or crafting your worst nightmares and then bringing them to life one step at a time.
Your brain is functional enough to shit and piss your pants simultaneously, understand you should be afraid for your sanity and life if you don't start treating me properly before it's too late, and to change your attitude. Don't bullshit around with me, yourself, and others. Your reluctance to give me a completely solid rejection and fully confirm to me that I should give up on pursuing a healthy relationship with you and just dive into fucking you up instead isn't an indication of mental illness nor is it a result of mental illness, it's you recognizing, at the least on a subconscious level, the reality that rejecting me is the wrong decision and you're going to deeply regret it for the rest of your at that point drastically shortened life if you end up making it your final decision and your time to change your mind runs out.
If you've been seeing things this whole time in a way where you don't at all seriously consider having a proper relationship with me, you'd best start really rethinking your fucking perspective and trying to see things differently, because you'd best believe you and everyone you care about are all ABSOLUTELY ROYALLY FUCKING SUPER FUCKED if you don't start treating me right, and I don't feel even the SLIGHTEST bit bad about it. I feel absolutely zero guilt saying all of these things, and I'll feel absolutely zero guilt following through on the darkest of things I've said if you won't start treating me properly before it's too late and instead push me to my worst, nor should I feel any guilt at all for being such a fucking amazing person but being treated like such garbage by everyone ever important to me that I was driven to be the worst monster I could be instead of a wonderful positive force in the world I was trying so hard to feel right being.
You can consider me crazy or a psychopath or whatever the fuck you want, but don't forget that you've treated me in such a way that I clearly see a side of you that nobody else does, and I look at all the shit you've done and how you're acting and I can just as easily cast a judgement on you and think that kind of shit about you, yet I'm still trying unbelievably hard to see you in a positive light and try to make a wonderful relationship between us work instead of diving into darkness and destruction even one moment prematurely, so try being actually fucking mature and constructive for once instead of a massively judgmental prick, hm?
I know I truly deserve to have a very healthy and extremely affection-filled relationship with you where I can feel comfortable eventually teaching you quantum energy arts and we can be extremely powerful and successful and rule the world together for eternity and have sex every day, so I'm going to do my absolute best not to settle for anything less than that, unless you really don't start acting properly before it's too late, even despite my greatest practically inhumanly wonderful efforts, and you therefore completely confirm that using and abusing you and tormenting the rest of the planet with the fiercest vengeance you'll ever see is what I'll have to settle for instead.
I'm not here to be your fucking slave or dog and fucking constantly dance in circles inspiring you and teaching you and making you feel deeply loved and wanted and turned on and helping you grow and benefit so much from my presence in your life like I have for the past 3+ years, only to receive pretty much nothing but pain in return. No, showing me your butt (as perfectly voluptuous as it is) or moaning sexually sometimes (as perfectly soothing and arousing as your voice is) aren't a real fucking reward; if anything, it only becomes a really cruel tease if you intend to be so close and intimate with me in this way but don't intend to follow through with actually consensually doing more and pleasuring me in person like you know I fantasize about every day. If I leave you alone, you end up desperately crying for my attention and affection sooner or later, and if I shower you with it, you become distant, cruel, and just massively tease me with extremely clearly intentional romantic things that instill a deep sense of feeling intense affection from you in me and/or sexually arousing things you very clearly know I'm going to milk my cock to you for doing because I've literally told you over and over again, leaving me extremely frustrated and uncertain whether I'll actually get to be with you and enjoy intimacy with you the way I've explicitly explained to you in detail that I've always fantasized about, or if I'm going to end up having to isolate myself for a prolonged period of time to meditate intensely using quantum energy harvesting meditation techniques and then follow through with the dark things I've told you I'll do to you when I reemerge into society.
You've been far too fucking indecisive for far too fucking long and it's about time you made up your fucking mind, and you don't have much longer to do it, so recognize time is fucking ticking, and you're making a decision one way or another whether you like it or not.
Do you think this is a joke? Do you remember how hard my dick gets for you? Take a look at the pictures again if your memory's foggy; you know I sent you many while you were intentionally bending over to show me your perfect butt and moaning sexually for my pleasure. It still gets so hard for you literally every single day and needs hours of stroking and cumming just so I can even focus on anything else but how arousing your perfect goddess body is. I only ever felt something like this before with Chloe, but even with her it wasn't nearly this strong and I knew she wasn't the perfect dream woman I was looking for, so if I ever found that woman then my arousal for her would likely gradually consume and replace that which I felt towards Chloe, which would be the only way my desire for Chloe could ever completely diminish; you are that perfect dream woman, and yet even after over 10 years of jerking off to Chloe nearly every day, I still regularly feel like jerking off to Chloe because jerking off to you is the most I'm getting from you and the frustration gives me pangs of craving Chloe although I know you're completely clearly much hotter than her in literally every single way. Unless I get a consensual sexual relationship with you that lasts forever, I'm absolutely certain I'm never going to stop being extremely intensely aroused by and extremely badly craving Chloe, on top of the extreme arousal and craving for you that's definitely never going away no matter what.
The attraction I feel towards you literally never goes away, I certainly don't want it to, and I know it never will. I haven't even talked about how I literally think every single day about cuddling with you and kissing you and telling you you're extremely precious and I love you so much and you mean everything to me and nobody could ever replace you or come even close. I never thought it was even possible for me to feel this way about someone before I started feeling it towards you, and this kind of attraction never goes away either. You've extremely deeply imprinted a sense of extremely intense desire and need for you in me that you cannot ever undo no matter what, and you now can only choose between spending your life with me and willingly feeding it tenderly or pushing me away and forcing me to seek satisfaction of it in an extremely brutal fashion. This is the absolute truth that you need to start seeing clearly and accepting wholeheartedly.
Don't think that it changes anything either if you show any interest in this game source you know I'm developing to prove a point to you. Naturally you'd be interested to see if I can really make something awesome, but you should ultimately choose to be with me because you love me and want to be very good to me, not out of being a gold digger. I can already tell you now that as I don't have money to purchase graphics, nor connections to have them done for free, and I'm not a 3D (or even 2D) graphics artist myself, even the very developed result I'd have by the deadline isn't going to have very cute or high quality graphics. All I can do well is think of the game design and code it so it works and can be fun to play. It's going to need a graphical update and probably some balancing tweaks with mob stats and stuff before it's solid for a public beta release. If you're not going to start treating me properly before things get that progressed, then even if you're ever willing to eventually be with me, you clearly don't want a fair relationship and are obviously just being a gold digger and are trying to use and abuse me; as I've said, if you're going to have that attitude, I won't be tolerating it, and into the forest I go.
I'm not sharing the development of this source with you to make you feel pressured or forced or interested or whatever to try to give me advice or stream it or give me exposure in any way. You can always start giving me advice/input if we're together, so I'm not looking for it without having a relationship with you first, and I don't give a flying fuck about exposure if I can't spend my life with you. I'm pretty certain that this game won't be a satisfactory beta release quality product within such a short time period by this deadline, nor was that ever my goal, nor will I even for a moment ever consider waiting even a single day longer past the extremely firm deadline I've decided on and trying to bring it to that point to pressure you to be with me that way. The way I'm doing it is definitely enough to achieve my goal most effectively. I'm doing this to prove a point of my constructive prospects and either push you to be with me to give me a reason to actually care to pursue them and take the professional success I'm capable of achieving, or make sure I'm traumatizing you as much as I can when I release it for free to the public before going into isolation if you won't be with me. Making something that very clearly works very well and has many mechanics and concepts combined in a well thought out, stable, interesting, and fundamentally enjoyable gameplay experience, even without really cute or high quality graphics and perhaps not being really well balanced in terms of item/skill/mob stats is still a product that extremely clearly shows you I have very promising prospects for professional success using just my existing skills with absolutely no assistance from you or your friends whatsoever, and if that's not enough to convince you to start treating me a lot better and be with me, then you're just never going to really treat me well and I'm absolutely certain of that and I know isolation and meditation in the forest to become a cruel dictator of this world is the path I'm going to have to go with my life.
It frustrates me to no end how you seem to want to try to weasel your way out of facing how I feel about you using any possible excuse you can come up with, and I want to make it extremely clear to you that nothing you've tried and nothing you could ever try could ever allow you to avoid this. I don't care if you formally publicly apologize. I don't care if you publicly beg for mercy. I don't care if you try to give me exposure. I don't care if you say you're really horny every fucking day. I don't care if you start every fucking stream off for the rest of your life saying you're questioning your goals and life choices or you regret not doing things differently or whatever the fuck. I don't care if you moan or wear lip gloss or show cleavage or bend over in front of the camera or ANY OF THAT SHIT if this final deadline passes and you're not treating me properly the way I'm after.
Don't even THINK of letting this deadline go by and then being a lying piece of shit and after I put up the disclaimer on my site and release my source for free you start saying you would've been with me if only I gave you another chance. I was sharing updates on progress of the source with you throughout the months I gave you a deadline, as well as making it extremely clear to you what my position is and that it's unwavering. I'm giving you a serious chance that you should already feel EXTREMELY blessed to be having, and I shouldn't have to give you ANY longer nor ANY additional chances for ANY reason. You treat me right this time, or you VERY clearly never intended to. You date and marry me and spend your life with me in a healthy, loving, affectionate, respectful, tender, fair relationship, or your life, your friends lives, your partner(s) lives, fucking this whole planet is fucked, and I will become an extremely cruel monster dictator when I come out of isolation. NO "BACKUP PLAN" IS GOING TO FUCKING SAVE YOU. YOU'RE JUST GOING TO BE ROYALLY FUCKED. PERIOD. GET IT IN YOUR FUCKING HEAD.
On God, on my life, on anything you believe in, I swear I'm going to fucking follow through. You'll see every step of the way during this time, and you'll see in the future too, that you shouldn't doubt me so much. I can only hope that you'll see that and act properly on it before it's too late.
I know that some of your friends are shaken by this situation. They should be. The way you're acting, you're not being a good person, and because of what I'm going to assume is intense conditioning and self-doubt (because I'm still, perhaps extremely stupidly, trying to see the best in you), you're starting to seem and act like you WANT to be a really bad person. ALL of your friends should be DEEPLY disturbed by your attitude and behavior. It looks like it's taken some really harsh messages, but perhaps I've started to make that more apparent to them, since they've been so INSANELY inclined and biased towards blindly favoring you and patting you on the back for whatever you do, even if it's REALLY bad. The reality is that if you won't be with me, as far as I'm concerned, you're an irredeemably bad person, and I'm going to become a bad person because I'll choose to just accept life beat me down too much and it's time to embrace darkness, and everything goes to shit. The reality is that if you really want to be a good person and make those around you feel safe, male or female, then you need to start treating me A LOT better and actually following through on the reason that you should've been keeping me around for so long for, which is to end up dating, marrying, and spending your life with me.
I know I'm being extremely serious and sometimes quite harsh here, and have been even more so at other times and in private emails to you, but I find it quite appropriate given the circumstances. You NEED to KNOW that I'm TRULY and DEEPLY hurt by how things currently are and your continued coldness and the fact that it seems I won't be treated in a way where I'm actually given reason to continue trying to be a good person. If I'm not honestly expressing my EXTREME sadness, anger, frustration, and how I'm truly on the edge of actually snapping and diving into fully embracing the darkness I've been trying to push away for so long against all odds, then you're just going to think I'm fucking with you and just trying to enjoy scaring and tormenting you for some sick satisfaction out of being a bad person! Since you clearly don't respond properly to just a lot of tenderness and kindness from me either as things currently are, being overly nice, or going back and forth with a lot of kindness and meanness practically randomly, just seems like I'm intentionally trying to confuse the fuck out of you, which you'll be left thinking must be based on malicious intent! I know EXACTLY why I'm doing this, I know VERY WELL how INSANELY good of a person I'm being for STILL being willing to even TRY to make things between us work instead of already giving up, and I'm NOT going to change my mind on ANYTHING.
I'm writing all this, and I've been through so much, but I'm not stupid as to not recognize that at the end of the day, you're just going to do what you want. Well, at the end of the day, I'm still the ruler of the planet, I still want what I want, and it's NEVER going to change no matter what. My desires and intentions are firm and unwavering. I told you, I'm not afraid and I'm not lying about how I feel about you.
I IMPLORE you to REALLY look inside yourself and be honest with yourself about how you feel about me. I find it hard to believe you don't feel intense warmth and affection towards me deep in your heart, and no matter WHAT I say, that's NOT going to change unless you haven't started communicating with me properly before the deadline is reached. Stop fucking thinking about other people's judgments and your insecurities and whatever the fuck is causing you to suppress what you feel deep in your heart. You probably feel like you're in too deep into being a shitty person to me and you're already beyond redeeming yourself, BUT YOU'RE REALLY NOT! I WANT TO MARRY YOU AND SPEND MY LIFE WITH YOU! I KEEP TELLING YOU THIS DESPITE ALL MY EXTREMELY JUSTIFIED ANGER! DO YOU REALLY THINK YOU DON'T HAVE A CHANCE TO MAKE IT HAPPEN?! WAKE THE FUCK UP!
It's EXTREMELY stupid to think I'd be at all satisfied, even with professional success, if I can't have you.
If I was going to AT ALL be truly satisfied with simply seeing my code come together into a solid game and then becoming successful professionally with that, I wouldn't have fucking busted my ass for the past 3+ years putting that prospect, which I could've spent like 2-3 months (or maybe 4-5 at most if I felt like going slower) at ANY point during this time working on instead of pursuing you, aside completely in favor of chasing a relationship with you regardless of how futile it seemed. I would've never even spoken a word to you, or perhaps thrown a couple messages out but never even considered getting actually invested in a connection with you, and would've channeled all my energy into professional success. I chose not to do that because I knew even then that professional success on its own wouldn't even remotely bring me true satisfaction.
It doesn't matter to me how good I am at coding. It doesn't matter to me how good I can be at creatively developing and implementing the functionality and gameplay mechanics for an interesting and fun game. It doesn't matter to me how much money and fame I could get by utilizing these skills. Just because I'm good at something, doesn't mean it's my calling or what I should settle for making me feel satisfied in life.
After over 3 years of so much effort and suffering with our connection, I can say with COMPLETE AND EXTREME CONFIDENCE that there's NO FUCKING WAY IN HELL that doing that now and being willing to accept being denied of you, could EVEN REMOTELY feel truly satisfying. The level of feeling EXTREMELY disrespected and being made out to look (and much more importantly, FEEL) like a massive beta cuck moron would DEEPLY disturb me and overwhelmingly perpetually overpower any rewards that professional success could bring me, making it all EXTREMELY unsatisfying no matter what I manage to achieve. Considering my option to meditate in isolation and aggressively rule the planet instead, meaning I don't have to settle for something extremely unsatisfying involving never getting to have sex with you, I would NEVER EVEN CONSIDER ANY of the thoroughly unsatisfying options that a normal person would have to pick from.
NOTHING that happens will be even REMOTELY satisfying to me until I get to start sticking my dick inside you and rubbing up against you until I'm cumming over and over from it every day.
If you're really such a shitty person that you won't be with me, you might feel satisfied now, thinking you got your way no matter how much you don't deserve to, but you'll see who's really going to be satisfied in like 2-3 years from now after I end up going into and coming out of isolation and become so powerful that nothing and nobody can stop me. I'd tell you to think really fucking good about your life choices, but obviously, telling you that isn't getting through to you.
You've said that you sometimes truly feel like there's nothing in your brain. That's not a fucking excuse. You want to justify your bullshit that way as if to say you didn't do this with malicious forethought; realize that changes nothing. Being a careless, cruel, heartless asshole piece of shit monster isn't ANY more excusable just because you SUPPOSEDLY weren't blatantly intentionally planning to be that way from the beginning. The outcome matters more than whatever intentions you want to claim. You can lie about your intentions and thoughts, but the outcome is a reality everyone can see.
I'd truly be very good to you if we were together, but you don't want to give that a real chance, so all I can do is show you I'm truly deeply scarred and make you regret not doing so because everything you'll see will forever make you wonder what could've been if you'd treated me right. Calling yourself dumb, recognizing you're being dumb, whatever your feelings and intentions are in expressing yourself this way, it makes NOTHING better if it's ultimately inconsequential and basically just serves to further feed your ego and make you feel justified in continuing to act however you want and think I simply have to accept being denied of you and move on. I'm not accepting being denied of you and I'm not moving on. Ever. No matter what.
If you think calling yourself dumb in order to justify being even more dumb is a solution, then you need to see how dumb that really is, and if you don't, well then you're going to get what someone so insanely unacceptably moronic deserves. This is the REAL WORLD, Kimi. Not a fucking daycare. There's an acceptable level of stupidity and an unacceptable level, and if you don't start treating me properly before it's too late, you're WELL in the unacceptable zone, no matter what all your ego-stroking buddies tell you.
You're absolutely extremely fucking delusional if you think there's ANY fucking chance I'd ever even remotely consider moving on from you and just pursuing game development as some kind of "next chapter" of my life or some bullshit.
What kind of fucking presence in this scene do you think I'm trying to fucking have? Do you fucking understand what misery things would be for me if I did that? I'm massively alienated and permanently banned from the primary platform I'd use for exposure and community building (Twitch) because of you. I'm also permanently banned from Discord because of you. I'm in a weird situation I don't even know on Twitter because of you. I'd have to deal with a massive uphill battle without you, while being massively hated not only by several famous people (you, all your friends, and probably all their friends too), but even multiple major platform administrations.
I don't doubt that I could be successful if I wanted to be with how skilled I am and how solid the concept for the game I'm currently putting together is, but I'd feel like an unwanted, unloved, and underappreciated tyrant in the scene. I'd feel like fucking shit all the time, and all the fucking effort I would've put in to get to a high spot would be massively underwhelming and feel extremely fucking unrewarding, especially considering being with you in a healthy relationship is the only real reward that even fucking matters to me, and I either wouldn't get a relationship with you at all, or I'd get it in some really fucking weird and shitty way where I'd feel certain you're just being a gold digger, and you'd probably even blatantly rub it in my face that you are but know your body is so irresistible to me that you'd be getting away with it.
My life would be absolute fucking garbage with or without you. If THAT is the kind of fucking miserable bullshit I'd be working towards if I didn't just toss my code to the public in favor of isolation and dominating the whole planet, then FUCK THAT SHIT, you can keep it and I'll stick to the depths of darkness. If I have to be a tyrant, at least that way I'm embracing being one all the way, and I can be much more satisfied with at least knowing I'm having my way full out with you however I please without having to give the slightest flying fuck what you or anyone else thinks or wants, and I also don't have to have even the slightest worry that I'm being used, abused, and will end up abandoned regardless of how good I am to you or anyone else.
Perhaps you're so fucking delusional that you think I'm comfortable where I currently am and enjoy being around shady Shadow Confederation members that encourage me to become a heartless brutal criminal. I REALLY FUCKING DON'T. I'm a savage, but that doesn't mean I take pleasure in hurting others by nature. I'm only going to embrace being that way if I'm absolutely pushed into it by you making it completely clear to me that I should give up on all the hope that you've given me that I'll be able to have a healthy relationship with you and we'll be able to love each other forever. Even if I lose that, I don't want to spend my life being a mortal criminal and seeking thrills with whatever crimes and random drugs and bitches and whatever; that's extremely unsatisfying for me when I think of my alternative.
With my mentality and core value, it's extremely clear to me that I don't belong in my current surroundings, but I still have to cope with them for now until you make the direction I must take my future in completely clear to me. I know that where I belong is either with you in a healthy relationship for the rest of my life, or in the forest and then wherever the fuck I end up as a cold, brutal dictator of this shitty planet. Massively feeling and knowing that I don't really fit in where I am now and absolutely needing to know how I'm going to have to proceed with my future is what drives my efforts and why I'm still not too tired to write this, not some fucking prospect of money, fame, bitches, or whatever the fuck else shallow fucking bullshit you're somehow probably still so fucking delusional you think I'm chasing with the work I've been putting in.
You're probably so fucking delusional you think I'm scared of actually going into isolation in the forest too.
What a fucking joke.
You're projecting; I'm sure even the idea of doing so yourself absolutely terrifies you for multiple reasons. I've already explained to you IN GREAT DETAIL how I've planned to be able to survive with shelter, food, water, weapons to fend off any animals that give me trouble until my power is enough to make them drop dead, even going to the point of explaining to you how I'd laminate some pictures of you so I could still enjoy jerking off to you whenever I'm not meditating and I feel like it. Do you think this shit was all hypothetical or just meant to scare/impress you or some shit?
Stop fucking hallucinating.
Being in isolation would feel FUCKING AMAZING when I've come to not just distrust but fundamentally hate humanity as a whole, and the forest is GREAT because it pretty much guarantees zero human interaction, is very peaceful and mostly quiet so perfect for meditation, and also doesn't require fucking paying rent. Considering all I'd want to do is meditate, sleep, eat, and jerk off, when it costs absolutely nothing, it's practically a luxury hotel, and I've already thought of everything so I have nothing to be afraid of. If I don't have proper communication with you and something that actually feels like a proper relationship before this final deadline passes, I'm actually going to be EXCITED AND THRILLED to go into the forest and get the fuck away from all of the slimy humanity that I've by far had much more drastically negative experiences with than positive ones.
I'm being EXTREMELY gentle compared to how I perhaps should be, and instead of making it worth it for me, you're fucking pushing me to be a monster. Well, if it happens, I know I did my best, so it will become time to do my worst.
If I can't have you forever, I'll be forever scarred and unable to have relationships. Failing with you would just show me that every relationship I could ever have would be either unsatisfying, dysfunctional, or both. If I got this far with you and it didn't last, then that must mean that any relationship that could last wouldn't actually be satisfying to me at all and must come from picking someone so boring that they'd simply want to stick around because it's extremely easy and convenient for them and I'm so fucking kind that even though they don't really like me and how scary I am fundamentally, they don't mind coping with that for all the benefits. That is NOT a fucking satisfying relationship for me. Conversely, failing with you would've shown me that if I do find a connection at all truly satisfying and genuinely want to be with someone forever, then it very clearly doesn't end up actually being rewarding how I want and lasting as I was dreaming. In the end, probably any relationship I'd have, I should see, by the pattern of how my relationships with women I've been attracted to have turned out so far in my life, as something that I should expect to end up leaving me even more hurt, used, abused, abandoned, suicidal, and cynical than what you did to me. With THAT fucking fucked up prospect, FUCK LOVE, FUCK RELATIONSHIPS, FUCK TRYING, THE FOREST SOUNDS FUCKING AMAZING I CAN'T FUCKING WAIT.
I won't be able to EVER enjoy a relationship if you ultimately break my heart regardless. I'll have a permanent EXTREMELY deep rooted reason to forever hold a position where every moment a woman doesn't break my heart, I'm just constantly extremely stressed out, nervous, and expecting her to break my heart any time now and just thinking she hasn't done it yet because she still has some more shit she wants to use and abuse me for before she tosses me to the side like trash, and when it undoubtedly happens, then I'll just feel like even worse trash blaming myself saying I should've learned from you and seen it coming and just become an evil dictator instead of even considering trying to be loving. Even THAT is not taking into account that I'd probably become EXTREMELY snappy and so nervous at the possibility that I'd end shit myself quickly out of that deeply disturbing feeling making every relationship never feel right at all. And even THAT is not taking into account that I'd already feel so fucked up from losing you that I'm certain I'd ALREADY not even consider trying, and would undoubtedly violently push away any woman that so much as TRIES to make any moves on me, perpetually being COMPLETELY unwilling to ever open up and be close to someone EVER again. And even THAT is neglecting to mention that I wouldn't even WANT to act any other way anyways, because you're so fucking sexy that I'd rather jerk off to you than have all the sex my dick can handle with another woman, even if she's Korean and really hot and has a really thicc butt and is willing to wear latex and whatever the fuck you can imagine a woman doing to turn me on and make me want to have sex with her and be satisfied with her over you. Even if every fucking person on the planet would tell me that woman is way hotter and better for me than you ever were, I wouldn't care in the slightest and I'd never be even slightly convinced. It'd NEVER satisfy me, because she's not you. NEVER. No matter HOW hard she tried. I'm ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN of that. No matter what ANY woman tries to do, failing with you would make me just see all women as nothing more than a piece of meat to pleasure my dick with, and in order to be satisfied sexually, I need to be able to engage in sexual things with a woman I ACTUALLY HAVE AN EMOTIONAL CONNECTION WITH, not someone I literally see as a trashy whore gold digger two-faced bitch just waiting to backstab me when she feels she's done using me.
If LITERALLY being THE FUCKING RULER OF THE FUCKING PLANET isn't enough to make you stay, I should EXTREMELY FIRMLY believe and constantly remind myself that NOTHING will or should EVER be enough to make ANYONE stay. I'm SO fucking done with letting people try to condition me to be afraid and feel guilty to embrace using the kind of power I have. CAN YOU EVEN FUCKING FATHOM HOW LIVID YOU'D BE IF YOU WERE ME?! I DON'T THINK SO YOU IGNORANT FUCK. FEAR? GUILT? WHAT THE FUCK? WHO DO YOU THINK YOU'RE FUCKING TALKING TO?! A BETA CUCK LOSER DELUSIONAL FUCK THAT IS FULL OF SHIT AND HASN'T CAUSED A GLOBAL PANDEMIC AND LITERALLY WALKED OUT OF A MENTAL HOSPITAL WITH LICENSED MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONALS SAYING THEY WERE HONORED TO MEET ME AND WISH ME THE BEST?! SIT THE FUCK DOWN.
Part of truly seeking love is accepting you might truly be unlovable and never actually find deep love and acceptance in your entire life. This is something I've literally even heard Dr. K say on one of his past streams, and I've already known it for some time now and definitely agree with it. For most, they set a cap for themselves on when they've determined that they're truly unlovable, when the cap is actually practically beyond their reach to ever even reach with how unambitiously they live their lives. The issue I have to live forever with is that in order for that understanding to be more than simply theoretical, there does HAVE to be a PRACTICAL AND EXTREMELY CLEARLY DEFINED TRUE LIMIT, which once passed, makes it UNDENIABLY clear to me that I TRULY am unlovable and should start living my life accordingly. If being the ruler of the fucking planet and still being denied of something, something I worked SO fucking hard for and deserve SO fucking clearly by any truly unbiased perspective, isn't to be considered a practical and true absolutely undeniably clear limit, then the understanding itself becomes invalidated, as it literally becomes nothing more than a theoretical that has no true proper application in practice. Do I look like a fucking delusional weak-minded flimsy fuck to you? DO I?! OH, I DO NOW?! WELL, LET ME FUCKING PROVE YOU WRONG ONCE AGAIN.
If you're trying to shove it down my throat that I should have to accept giving up on ever having a truly meaningful and satisfying connection with someone that gives my life meaning, FUCK YOU SHITHEAD!!! If I have to give that up, then why the FLYING FUCK should I even CONSIDER seeking being positive and caring and being constructive at all in this world when the world was so heartless and uncaring to me and I have an alternative to fuck them all up as they deserve. The ONLY reason people don't meditate in isolation in the forest like I'm threatening and planning to do, is because THEY DON'T FUCKING KNOW QUANTUM ENERGY HARVESTING MEDITATION STRATEGIES, THEY DON'T HAVE A CORE VALUE OF REFINED PURE BIDIRECTIONAL APPREHENSION, THEY DON'T HAVE THE CAPACITY FOR WORLD DOMINATION, AND THEY DON'T HAVE ANY REAL POWERFUL OPTIONS. Most people are extremely fucking weak mentally, so shutting off their emotions and becoming sociopaths/psychopaths when they encounter severe trauma is the only defense mechanism their primitive monkey brains can come up with.
I'm not a fucking clown monkey like most people.
If you turn out to feel fine being so shit, then you REALLY deserve me to be the ABSOLUTE WORST that I can be, which means as far as I'm concerned, no matter WHAT I do, you deserve EVEN MUCH WORSE THAN THAT, and I will feel NO guilt to follow through. If you SO arrogantly feel justified, and ARE SO FUCKING SUPPORTED BY EVERYONE ON TOP OF THAT, to be such a MASSIVE irredeemable piece of garbage, then FUCK WHAT ANYONE SAYS OR THINKS ABOUT ME, I'LL DO WHAT I WANT! THE WHOLE REASON I CAN IS BECAUSE NOBODY CAN STOP ME! YOU TRIED AND FAILED. THE COURTS TRIED AND FAILED. THE DOCTORS WERE SHAKEN BY THE TIME I WAS DONE WITH THEM. I HAVE THE WORLD SLOWED DOWN TO A CRAWL WITH A PANDEMIC EVEN THE SHADOW CONFEDERATION FELT THE NEED TO RELEASE BECAUSE THEY WERE THAT TERRIFIED BY ME GETTING DENIED OF HAVING YOU HOW I WANTED.
I'll FOREVER feel EXTREMELY disrespected if I worked SO hard and wanted you SO bad and was denied. Like, INSURMOUNTABLY disrespected. BEING THE FUCKING RULER OF THE PLANET AND CONSTANTLY PROVING IT WITHOUT STRAIGHT UP RAVAGING SOCIETY AS BRUTALLY AS POSSIBLE, ON TOP OF ACTUALLY TRYING SO HARD TO FORM A MEANINGFUL EMOTIONAL CONNECTION WITH YOU, ALL WAS FOR NOTHING AND DIDN'T GET ME ANYWHERE BUT EVEN WORSE OFF THAN BEFORE?! WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK KIND OF WORLD IS THIS?! ONE WORTHY OF EVEN THE SLIGHTEST MERCY FROM MY WRATH? FUCK NO!!
There isn't even ANY room for my trauma to heal. People find comfort in knowing they can heal and overcome their traumas and still be a good person; THAT'S JUST NOT POSSIBLE FOR ME. Being as powerful as I am only triggers everyone's fucking ego, and if you insist I'm just a stalker, everyone just takes your fucking side, and even ultimately if any don't then it seems those who do will always VASTLY outnumber them, and ultimately it means nothing for whatever support I do get. Most if not all will always take your side it seems, because that's just how trash THE WHOLE FUCKING HUMAN RACE is. All fucking extremely biased emotional clowns that want to suppress you the stronger you are. You crushed my soul, left me so fucked up you might as well have literally ended my life, and I'm more hated and disadvantaged than ever for enduring what I've had to go through because of you, with NO real prospect of ANY kind of healthy and societally accepted redemption/retribution. WELL GUESS WHAT, THIS TRASH SOCIETY WILL BRING ON ITSELF MY FULL WRATH THEN! FUCK ALL OF THEM! There is NO bright side to this for me without things with you working out, and there NEVER will be; only perpetual misery, resent, anger, and extremely deep-rooted hatred. YOU'RE OKAY WITH THAT? YOU WANT TO FEED IT MORE? OKAY BITCH, KEEP GOING!! KEEP FUCKING GOING!!! I HAVE PLENTY MORE HATRED TO GIVE!! I'M LOVING FINALLY JUST LETTING LOOSE AND GETTING READY TO DROP A SOURCE TO TERRORIZE PEOPLE FURTHER BEFORE GOING INTO ISOLATION AND FINALLY JUST NOT HAVING TO FUCKING GIVE THE SLIGHTEST SHIT WHAT ANYONE SAYS OR DOES AND JUST PREPARE TO BRUTALLY HAVE MY WAY WITH YOU ONCE I COME OUT.
NOTHING CAN HELP ME, NO WAY TO HEAL, NO REDEMPTION EXCEPT THE MOST BRUTAL COMPLETELY SELF-DRIVEN RETRIBUTION. YOU'RE SO FUCKING DELUSIONALLY POSITIVE AND I'M SO FUCKING DONE BEING NICE ABOUT IT. I DIDN'T WANT TO BECOME A MONSTER, BUT YOUR ACTIONS ONLY MAKE ME FEEL MORE AND MORE JUSTIFIED, READY, WILLING, AND DRIVEN TO BE EVERY SINGLE DAY. FUCK YOU AND FUCK EVERYONE. IF YOU KEEP GOING THIS WAY, YOU'LL GET WHAT YOU WANT THEN!
Since it seems I should be expecting to end up having to throw this all away and go into isolation in the forest, it just means I'll now start working on this with a lot of anger and resent and just thinking about how scared you and your friends are going to be to know that I threw away, without hesitation, future prospects of making a lot of money in a positive way that I worked very hard to be able to do and obviously deserve, because I couldn't spend my life with you. Thinking of how fucking scared you're gonna be when months pass and you realize I wasn't flimsy in my position, and the only messages if any that you ever get from me anymore are the ones that come once in a several months period when I briefly return to society to resupply my shit, extremely scary hate mail where I'm telling you I'm getting that much closer to following through on all the extremely dark shit I've threatened to do to you, and I can't wait to finally give you what you begged for and deserve. Thinking of how I'll finally be matching all the massively undeserved hatred you and your friends have for me with completely deserved hatred of my own that's been long overdue because I was FAR too nice and warm-natured to see how dark reality is earlier.
I REALLY didn't want things to be this way, but if you're really such a piece of shit, you deserve everything you have coming and even more, and I'm going to stop doubting myself. I NEVER deserved having to try so hard only to get crushed over and over and end up in an even worse situation the more of a loving and good person I try to be. If you've been trying to show me this whole time that love isn't the way, then it's time you started seeing what me embracing hatred really looks like, you fucking bitch.
I FUCKING TOLD YOU NOT TO THINK "SUCKING IT UP" WOULD FUCKING SATISFY ME! What the fuck do you think you're doing? Low-key passive-aggressively simping blatantly fakely? WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF BULLSHIT IS THAT?! WHO THE FUCKING FLYING FUCK EVER WANTED THAT?! WHO THE FUCK WOULD EVER FIND THAT EVEN REMOTELY DESIRABLE OR SATISFYING UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, ESPECIALLY ONE WHERE THEIR WILL TO LIVE AND BE AT ALL CONSTRUCTIVE WAS CRUSHED BY SOMEONE BEING SO FAKE? ARE YOU FUCKING MENTALLY DAMAGED?! EVEN THAT WOULDN'T BE A FUCKING EXCUSE FOR THIS MASSIVE STEAMING PILE OF BULLSHIT!!
You think I'M the one that needs to learn a lesson when YOU'RE the one living your life all fucked up?!
We'll see who really learns what lesson, motherfucker.
I don't give a FLYING fuck if you'll be nervous you could reach out to me and get no response or hatred. YOU SO FUCKING DESERVE TO BE NERVOUS. Even with comforting you that you won't, it seems you either still feel that way or don't feel compelled to reach out at all. This way, at least you have a sense that I actually want proper communication and a proper relationship, and if you're not scared for your life and the fate of humanity enough to at least TRY to treat me properly the way I'm telling you EXTREMELY BLACK AND WHITE that I want to be treated, then you're EXTREMELY CLEARLY such an irredeemable unapologetic piece of shit that you deserve my WORST without question or remorse.
You thought this pandemic was bad? It'll only get worse from here if you keep going like this!
You know, it's really fucking crazy what being such a perfectly voluptuous gorgeous goddess in every fucking way (except apparently your personality, which is slimy as fuck if you won't be with me) makes you do to me. Even though you've put me through such hell and you've always been so fucking difficult, I still desperately hope there's somehow some way there's a good person deep inside you that I can bring out, and I still badly want to spend my life with you in a consensual relationship and love you a lot every day, instead of already being completely eager to embrace sheer darkness in my soul. It's really fucking crazy.
I was going to pursue isolation and meditation regardless if you aren't going to treat me right, but thanks for making it so crystal fucking clear that you're ALREADY in the mindset that if I were to ever decide not to and instead just pursue professional success and try to move on (although as I've said already, that's LITERALLY 100% impossible), you'd see my success as just another opportunity to use and abuse me, and you'd either straight up start bringing attention to the dark things I said to you to get pity and attention and make me look bad and probably even try to get me canceled, or blackmail me and threaten to do so if I don't give you money and/or exposure willingly.
Nice one, bitch. You were real fucking smooth with your extremely slimy and disgusting execution of smugly rubbing it in, too. Too bad you're fucking delusional as fuck and dreaming.
Don't even DREAM of backtracking now. You've already shown your attitude, and there's NOTHING you could EVER say or do to even REMOTELY be convincing that I'm wrong; not that it'd ever change my position on my demands and intentions anyways.
You have a HUGE track record of having low self-control, and when such a huge temptation would be dangling right in your face to steal hundreds of thousands if not millions of dollars by blackmailing me as seeking "compensation" for "emotional distress" (which obviously COMPLETELY neglects the emotional distress YOU put me in and would NEVER cease to if you won't spend your life with me), there's NO fucking way I'd even REMOTELY CONSIDER believing you won't JUMP on it.
If blackmailing me doesn't work, you'd probably straight up sue me, and because of how fucked up society is, you'd probably win tons of money in that lawsuit.
If I don't follow through on everything I've said if you aren't dating me before this final deadline is reached, no matter what you say or do, I'm absolutely CERTAIN you'd take my kindness for weakness (and you SHOULD, because at that point IT WOULD BE) in deciding not to, and you'd be eager to try to take advantage of me further however and whenever possible. You think I've been diving fearlessly into being willing to torment you and toss away my future prospects of being constructive, favoring isolation and ending up doing extremely dark things in the future, without being willing to execute and without knowing why I'd absolutely HAVE to?
Every time you push me away so much that I feel the need to actually give you space, you start literally losing your mind within a couple months and desperately beg me to return. The first time it happened, you almost started crying on stream and said you needed motivational videos to get out of bed in the morning because you pushed away someone you really love and you really regret it; that was over 2 years ago. In more recent times, you started having daily mental breakdowns in my absence within less than 2 months, which got so bad that you realized you needed to start going to therapy. You've mentioned many times that it's been really helpful for you.
While it's OBVIOUSLY helpful to you and probably would be for at least some of your friends too, it'll always be COMPLETELY FUCKING USELESS FOR ME, at least unless it's couples therapy which I'd be going to with you to help you deal with all your issues. You are a massively spoiled and ignorant individual that plays games and fucks around for a living, whereas I'm probably the only person in history to walk into a mental hospital on a court order, open up completely honestly to multiple mental health professionals throughout a 60-day period about my mental state, value system, perception of reality, and intent to destroy the world or at least get some form of extremely brutal revenge if I can't have a healthy romantic and sexual relationship with someone extremely special to me, and walked out with all of those licensed mental health professionals concluding that they don't believe I have mental illness and that I don't belong in a mental hospital.
Do you think I hid things or was at all dishonest about my thoughts, desires, and intentions?
Hell no. I was ready to meditate in the mental hospital if I had to. I had no reason to lie. Worst case scenario, I meditate 2 or 3 years in there instead of the forest. Free food, free shelter, privacy, and no obligations. I had nothing to fear.
I expanded in extensive detail about many, many things I said in my book. I encouraged them to read ALL of it, even the darkest parts. I know they most certainly read the darkest parts, as they asked me questions specifically about them. I'm not fucking joking when I said it reached the point THEY were calling our conversations LECTURES and by the end of it all THEY FUCKING SAID THEY WERE HONORED TO MEET ME. I explicitly told them I'd destroy the world, or at least take very brutal revenge on you in whatever ways I found most satisfying, if you wouldn't start treating me properly and end up in a relationship and eventually marriage with me and be with me forever. I gave them an EXTREMELY clear picture that there's NO FUCKING WAY IN HELL that there could EVER be a set of circumstances where I don't get to be with you and things don't end up getting really dark.
They STILL let me go, and not with anger, hatred, or contempt, BUT WITH FUCKING RESPECT AND BEST WISHES!
My position is so grounded that NO amount of therapy would EVER DO SHIT FOR ME. To begin with, therapists work off the assumption that there's something going wrong in your life that's a result of YOUR OWN mental state being flawed, and that's why you're even coming to them in the first place. If all I have to say to them is all the super grounded and flawlessly rationally and emotionally aware content that I gave 2 psychologists and a psychiatrist already, if they're at all reasonably competent, they'll respond in more or less the same way the other mental health professionals I've already talked to have: wishing me good luck on getting what I want.
Since your mental state is obviously pretty fucked up if you're benefiting massively from therapy despite thinking you didn't even need it, and you're obviously still so fucked up mentally that you seem not to recognize the severity of the situation and that you should've already been treating me much better than you currently are, you're probably so fucked up mentally that you think I'm fucked up mentally like you (an extension of your continued projection of your own attributes onto me, just like you've already admitted in the past you've done heavily) and that perhaps if I end up being even more deeply wronged, I'll seek therapy instead of deeply satisfying retribution.
Quite frankly, this is so extremely disrespectful that there isn't any nice way to put how I feel about this; holy fuck are you fucking stupid and delusional as fuck if you're thinking that. YOU WERE FUCKING HAVING FUN AND BENEFITING GREATLY FROM BEING A MASSIVE PIECE OF SHIT TO ME, WHILE I WAS BEING A FUCKING ANGEL TO YOU CONSTANTLY AND GAVE UP EVERYTHING TO TRY TO MAKE THINGS WORK AND I'M GETTING MY DREAMS CRUSHED CONSTANTLY. Your behavior IS ACTUALLY FUCKING PSYCHOTIC AS FUCK IF YOU DON'T LOVE ME AND DON'T INTEND TO EVER START TREATING ME RIGHT, WHEREAS MINE IS JUST ME TRYING MY BEST TO LIVE MY BEST LIFE AND TRY TO LEARN IF MY BEST LIFE IS ACTUALLY A POSITIVE ONE FILLED WITH LOVE OR AN EXTREMELY DARK ONE FILLED WITH HATRED.
I WILL NEVER FUCKING GO TO THERAPY OUT OF BEING HURT EVEN MORE BY YOU, AND IT WILL NEVER FUCKING HELP ME EVEN IF I DID, WHETHER NOW OR LATER. I FUCKING WALKED OUT OF A LITERAL MENTAL HOSPITAL MAINTAINING MY CURRENT FUCKING POSITION. IF I NEEDED THERAPY, THEY NEVER WOULD'VE LET ME GO. I WROTE A FUCKING 500 PAGE BOOK THREATENING MASS KILLING FOR FUCK'S SAKE.
You've said several times that before you started therapy, you didn't think you needed it. You know why you didn't think you needed therapy? Because you have a GIGANTIC fucking ego that constantly gets stroked by everyone around you, and since you're constantly told you're sweet and kind and awesome and cool and whatever the fuck, you feel a ton of validation and support and found it very hard to believe you were in the wrong for what you did to me EVEN THOUGH ANYONE WHO ACTUALLY KNOWS THE FULL STORY AND IS UNBIASED WOULD EXTREMELY FUCKING CLEARLY REALIZE YOU WERE MASSIVELY IN THE WRONG. You obviously have some really positive attributes to your personality, otherwise I wouldn't want to be with you so badly, but that doesn't mean you don't have some really negative ones too.
You know why I know I don't need therapy? Because I can objectively quantify how I can prove that I possess absolutely no active ego, the traumas I've went through in my life have already been deeply ruminated upon, faced, and conquered with me forming no addictions nor bad habits, and I'm such a fucking savage that I can walk into a literal mental hospital (and if you're so fucking delusional you think I'm lying, the place I was at is called Ontario Shores. I was in FAU for 2 months and talked mostly to Dr. Gibas and Dr. Harrigan, a psychologist and psychiatrist respectively, both of which concluded I don't need medication and should be released, despite reading my book) for writing a 500 page book about why I literally want to single-handedly destroy the entire world, and instead of being locked in there for years like anyone with any fucking active ego at all would most certainly have experienced, the doctors literally tell me they're honored to meet me and they wish me good luck on getting to spend my life with you as I wish.
You know why therapy helps you? Because you seek external validation so heavily, the external validation you get is so heavily biased towards positivity even to a highly delusional extent, and you're in such a fucked up situation that you need someone with at least some level of formal qualification in mental health work in order to even start to see things in a way that at all makes sense when you seek things to make sense through the extremely heavily biased and fundamentally flawed route that you normally use to form your views of yourself and the world. You know why therapy won't help me? Because I'm extremely unforgivingly brutal and real with myself constantly to the point that others wouldn't even have the courage to try to get me to face reality the way that I tackle it head-on without fear nor mercy from my own drive to be great and perceive things as they truly are, to the point that even if I talked to a therapist, I already know all they'd ultimately have to say to me is that it seems like I have a lot on my plate, I seem to know what I want, where I'm going, and how I can best go about trying to get what I want as effectively as possible, and they don't really think there's much if anything they can really do for me besides wish me good luck and tell me to keep going as I have been.
You know why you're still fucking struggling and I have a huge savage fucking essay to tear your pussy apart with every fucking time you start fingering yourself with your ego again? Because I face my shadows, demons, darkness, whatever the fuck you want to call it HEAD FUCKING ON with no mercy and no regrets, seeking to truly see and understand its full power and potential, while you cower in fear and denial of your darker side and darker thoughts and weaker moments. You try to pretend shit doesn't exist until it slaps you in the face so fucking hard and the subconscious anxiety you feel bubbles up more and more into your consciousness and the mind-numbing effect your ego and all the fucking stroking and validation everyone around you does to it isn't enough to contain the reality that keeps hitting you in the face harder and harder.
In short, you're running from the truth, no matter how great it could be for you, and I'm diving into it and tackling it head-on without mercy, hesitation, or regrets, no matter how unfortunate, brutal, dark, upsetting, and disturbing it could be for me. That's why talking to someone helps you and talking to people only agitates me.
You know what a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension ultimately really means? What actually having absolutely zero active ego really means? It means having the deepest relationship with objective truth above anything and everything else, even your own happiness, comfort, safety, and even life. It means being able to fight your fundamentally destructive human nature (that seeks emotional comfort and the easiest path to achieve it) to such a great extent that your existence becomes practically a paradox, miracle, or inhuman somehow. It means nobody and nothing outside of yourself ultimately controls you.
Why the fuck do you think I say I'm a fucking savage?
I really hope my patience doesn't give you the wrong idea that I'm going to take things easy on you if you don't treat me properly and before it's too late, because it really doesn't mean that at all. My patience serves as fuel to be as brutal as possible to you later if I don't get what I'm after.
If your past thoughts and behavior are to be considered excusable... the fact that you unapologetically destroyed someone's life for your own selfish gain is to be considered excusable... then why the fuck do you think some threats aren't to be considered excusable? Threats alone are just threats, but ACTUALLY fucking ACTING like a heartless monster that would've completely destroyed my life through-and-through if I wasn't such an insanely exceptionally powerful and mentally tough individual, is an ACTION. On top of that, the way I'm acting is just seeking rewards for something that I've worked extremely hard for and deserve, but YOU? You were just being a selfish piece of shit heartlessly benefiting from someone else's trust and vulnerability!
Whatever you feel like doing, just don't forget that I fear NOTHING and I LITERALLY have NOTHING to lose if I'm not going to get to be with you, so I LITERALLY don't give THE SLIGHTEST FLYING FUCK even if I'm hated to hell by everyone. Guess what? Being hated only makes me want to embrace the darkness in me and follow through on everything even more.
This WHOLE TIME, I've been trying INSANELY hard to be a good person. ALWAYS. No matter WHAT bullshit you've been telling yourself, you need to fucking realize that there's LITERALLY NO FUCKING WAY that I would've gotten this far and unsettled you this much if that wasn't the case. The reason you feel so unsettled about our connection right now is because something inside you IS TELLING YOU that I've been and EVEN STILL am trying to be a good person and aim for a positive outcome, but YOU are being shitty as fuck despite all that. No matter what people tell you and no matter what bullshit you're trying to rationalize the shit with, you should recognize that YOUR EGO HAS CLEAR INFLUENCE IN RATIONALIZATION, ESPECIALLY HIGHLY EMOTIONALLY LOADED ISSUES! This means all the fucking stroking that everyone around you and even you yourself have done to it, is HEAVILY impacting this rationalization process!
I can only imagine that in your head, you're trying to draw parallels with Fed's behavior and mine. You talked about how he showed you a lot of attention and affection, which obviously I also have done. A HUGE difference here is that I DON'T ACT DIFFERENTLY IN FRONT OF DIFFERENT PEOPLE, AND I'M NOT ABUSING SOME SOCIAL STATUS (which I DON'T EVEN FUCKING HAVE BTW) TO IMPOSE ON YOU TO FEEL COMFORTABLE TO HAVE ME AROUND YOU! Despite this, YOU STILL CONSTANTLY SOUGHT OUT ME STAYING IN YOUR LIFE FOR YEARS! THIS IS NOTHING EVEN FUCKING REMOTELY LIKE FED. PERIOD. Fed got to impose himself on you because of mutual friends and social status, whereas I've managed to find meaningful context to stay in your life as I have because you have CONSTANTLY went OUT OF YOUR WAY to give ME attention and affection BACK. I've also NEVER tried to manipulate you into believing things about me that aren't true, and I've NEVER used you to try to manipulate others into believing things about me that aren't true. If the kind of affection you've expressed towards me through the years was all a huge lie, what YOU did to ME was WAY WORSE than what Fed did to you. You DESTROYED MY LIFE fucking for your own FUN AND SELFISH GAIN.
And now that I'm fighting back against the fuckery and demanding to be treated fairly, I'M a bad person?! Now that I'm proving I'm not the pathetic loser you thought I was, and even DESPITE having INSANE amount of reason to ABSOLUTELY DESPISE you, I still want to be with you and love you and allow us both to be really positive forces in each others' lives instead of just blindly seeking to hurt you even at the expense of myself being hurt more, AND I'M SHITTY JUST BECAUSE I'M THREATENING YOU?! FUCK YOU!
You mentioned that you told Fed you were struggling with your friendships as well as your stream (in the past, although it might still be happening, idk whatever, point is you said it). This ONLY FURTHER SOLIDIFIES that you GREATLY enjoyed the attention and affection I gave you, HEAVILY benefited from all the inspiration I'd obviously give you, and also were VERY positively affected by seeing my constant efforts to be a good person despite how difficult you always were with me, which you used as emotional fuel to try to make things better with people in your life. I GUESS ALL OF THEM EXCEPT ME, HUH?! TELL ME, WHO THE FUCK SOUNDS LIKE THEY'RE BEING TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF THERE?! YOU?! ARE YOU FUCKING RETARDED?!
You obviously feel like you're really special to me, and you should, because you DEFINITELY are. I don't know if you feel like I'm really special to you or not, but I can tell you with ABSOLUTE confidence that it's EXTREMELY FUCKED UP if you don't. You mentioned how Fed would ghost you regularly, which hurt you a lot and left you ultimately feeling conflicted about craving his attention but feeling insignificant in his life. Throughout the past 3+ YEARS, ever since I entered your life, there have only been like 2 times (the first time was ~1 yr in, when I thought you secretly hated me so told you I just can't keep talking to you if you're being so distant, seeming uncomfortable with my presence, and "just wanted to remain distant friends", to which you literally had a mental breakdown and almost started crying on stream over it less than 2 months later saying you needed motivational videos to get out of bed in the morning and felt like you pushed away someone you really liked and deeply regretted doing so, and the second time was for a few months at the beginning of this year while I was in jail and the mental hospital, dealing with a court case and having a psychological evaluation, in my best attempt to prove to you and everyone else that I'm not some delusional idiot with a massive ego) where I have went more than a few days at most without communicating with you, which is INSANE considering you LITERALLY have not said 1 WORD directly to me for over 2 FUCKING YEARS now.
I've been an EXTREMELY good person for an EXTREMELY long time, but there is a limit! I've went through SO FUCKING MANY traumas THAT I'VE OPENED UP TO YOU A LOT ABOUT and dealt with SO MANY fucked up people, and it seems being a good person only makes people like this prey on me harder and getting me hurt a lot! There are many, I suppose, who are fortunate enough to be able to be good people and not end up with such cursed lives that being good starts making them feel extremely suicidal and it becomes inviable for them, but life is fucking crazy, and if life is crazy and I'm trying to act in the way most in line and congruent with it, then I have to be crazy if necessary too! If you won't treat me right, that is my limit, and it becomes EXTREMELY clear to me that my life is simply so cursed that NO AMOUNT of being a good person will EVER truly be rewarding, and instead, being good will only get me used and abused and chip away at my will to live until I end up killing myself out of deep sadness and regret. I'm sure as hell NOT going to live my life consciously heading down a path of submitting myself to being tortured by the world when I HATE being hurt, and ultimately ending up literally ending my life, just because society wants to shove it down my throat that I NEED to be a good person no matter what! FUCK THAT!
Being a good person HAS to fucking ACTUALLY be REWARDING and FEEL GOOD and be WORTH IT, ESPECIALLY when I've already given SO MUCH and tried SO HARD and been SO GOOD and STILL not gotten ANYTHING actually rewarding in return! If it's not going to ever really start being worth it, then there's NO REASON why I should care AT ALL about being a good person! ANYONE in my position would do EXACTLY the same thing, and you're COMPLETELY lying to yourself and being EXTREMELY dishonest and unempathetic if you're going to so much as SUGGEST, EVEN FOR A MOMENT, that you wouldn't. When it comes to you, you justify EXTREMELY HARD doing pretty much literally WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT, but when it comes to me, deciding to finally snap, when I TOTALLY deserve to, makes me an awful piece of shit that needs to change?! FUCK YOU!
I truly feel bad for you for what you had to go through with Fed. Hard pressuring someone to cuddle that you're supposed to just be friends with is NOT okay. Randomly casually spreading a female friend's legs and resting your head on her crotch is really bad too. To even go further and take her foot and place it on your own crotch, and WHILE resting your head on her crotch on top of that... I have never and would never do things like this; I wouldn't even consider it. It seems that Fed really was a massive fuckboy in high school (I remember him talking about this on your stream once when you were on a couch with like Leslie and Jaime and some other people) and he just never really changed or grew out of that mentality, which has clearly come to light in all the things he's been exposed for doing.
That being said, if you think things like this serve as an excuse for your behavior towards me, FORGET ABOUT IT! Not only were you like this, one way or another, long before Fed even entered your life, but NOTHING is an excuse for you being so cold, distant, and if you never intend to treat me right, EXTREMELY brutal, heartless, and straight up suicidal! If you're over there secretly hating and resenting me, despite all the positive things I've done for you and all the warmth I'm still trying to hold on to in my heart for you, just because I want and need a relationship with you so badly that I'm willing to threaten you to try to get through to you how miserable my life is and how I'm truly on the edge of falling into complete darkness despite all my greatest efforts not to, you're a MASSIVE PIECE OF SHIT that's been gaslighting, slandering, and bullying THE FUCK out of me for the past 3+ years, and you deserve NO MERCY from me!
When it comes to someone like Fed, you excuse behavior and are willing to hold people to lower standards, and for what reason? Because he's famous? When it comes to me, someone who you think is weak and vulnerable, you hold me to an INSANELY INHUMANLY HIGH STANDARD, despite how crazy that is, I STILL CONSTANTLY EXCEED YOUR EXPECTATIONS, and what do you do?! Instead of treating me more favorably, YOU JUST FUCKING RAISE YOUR EXPECTATIONS EVEN MORE FUCKING INHUMANLY UNREASONABLY HIGH. I treat you so well, yet you just expect more and more, until it reaches a point where you've been in denial of your feelings and been so bad to me that I finally decide enough is enough and I start using my power to threaten you to start treating me like a fucking human being instead of some subhuman trash on the bottom of your shoe, and SUDDENLY I'M A FUCKING AWFUL LUNATIC THAT SHOULD KILL MYSELF?! ARE YOU EVER GOING TO TREAT ME PROPERLY OR NOT?!
This uncertainty you're leaving me with is a perpetual attack on my sanity AND I DO NOT DESERVE IT AND WILL NOT TOLERATE IT! LOVE ME OR HATE ME BUT STOP THINKING YOU'RE JUST SAFE TRYING TO AVOID DECIDING! YOU'RE NOT!
After sharing with you more details about my plans to throw away all my constructive future prospects if you won't start treating me properly, you expressed that you felt sad. There are only two possible reasons why you'd feel sad about it.
The first is the one I'm hoping for. If you're sad because you truly want to be a good person and act however you need to in order to prevent an extremely dark outcome from this situation for you, your friends, and your families, then I want to comfort you. You need to realize that you're not powerless to make a change. You can make things better. You still have some time to calm yourself down, sort through your thoughts, and figure out how exactly you want to go about starting to treat me how I deserve to be treated; properly, with a lot of love and respect, and with direct communication leading to dating and (eventually, even if after many months due to the pandemic and whatever else that might make a delay reasonable) marriage.
I told you that I'm giving you until the deadline you know of, and I mean it. I don't want you feeling miserable and helpless and overwhelmed with guilt and self-pity if you're actually a good person inside. I'm doing all of this because I still love you and want to be with you forever, not out of simply wanting to terrorize you and traumatize you even if you're a good person. I only want to fuck you up as hard as possible if you're a bad person who won't be with me in the end, so if that's not who you really are, then you don't need to feel bad. I know it may be easier said than done, but I believe in you. You're extremely precious to me, and I'd never try this hard to make things work if you weren't. Don't forget that.
Knowing that this is my perspective, you should feel a lot better in knowing that being a good person will pay off in the end, making all your wildest dreams come true.
The second is very dark and unfortunate. If you're sad because you're a slimy as fuck massive piece of shit that would literally rather die than have a healthy relationship with me and it's starting to sink in how royally fucked you are and that you really can't manage to weasel your way out of having extremely serious consequences for being an insane, irredeemable, unforgivable psychopath, then you can stop pretending to be "sad" now and be honest about the fact that how you actually feel is extremely angry and filled with contempt for me and everyone else in your life.
If you're really such a piece of trash, you probably don't understand how bad it really is. Let me put it into perspective for you.
Fed did a lot of bad shit, and I think I can say with quite a lot of confidence just after listening to what Moe said about things, that OVERALL he's currently harmed more people for his selfish gain than you have, making him a worse person. However, the damage Fed did has already reached its pinnacle and was dispersed throughout many people, none of which had their lives completely torn apart and their careers and future prospects for any kind of happiness utterly destroyed permanently because of him. All the people he damaged, they can just kick him out of their lives and eventually find peace with what they went through and just try to move on and do their best to avoid having people like that in their lives ever again.
You may have only hurt one person extremely badly (me), but what you did was EXTREMELY SEVERE. You literally destroyed my life and have taken all my constructive future prospects and any possibility for real happiness away from me forever, because you're such a heartless selfish piece of trash. You've also now caused not only an extremely dark fate for yourself, but also your friends and all of your families, and even the rest of the planet. You deserve to feel like absolute garbage for the rest of your now drastically shortened life for that. If you're such a piece of shit, you obviously don't care how you deserve to feel, and you'll probably actually feel happier knowing I'm this caring of a person and it gives you something to laugh at that I'm trying this hard to make things work and still so badly to the last possible moment want to see a warm and positive side to someone as dark and coldhearted and psychotic as you.
You remember how you mentioned that one instance where Fed crawled into your bed and pressured you to cuddle with him and after some initial resistance you ended up agreeing and spooned? You said it never happened again; obviously, you started being more distant with him after that and were reluctant to allow him to come over, as you would've (and should've) expected him to try the same thing again, if not escalate to eventually wanting full on sex, and you were obviously very clearly self aware of that. You kept your distance, never did it again, and your feelings that you didn't enjoy it are believable and your position that you don't want more from him is credible.
What you've done with your connection to me is the equivalent of, over 3 years ago when I told you that you're absolutely perfect and I love you and want to be with you forever, that was like me asking to come over. When you kept constantly giving me attention every time I talked to you, that was like letting me come into your house. When I told you I was leaving after one year when you were being distant, and you had a mental breakdown and cried for me to come back but still didn't open up to me when I came back so I started drama and called you a goddess for the first time, and you posted a picture on Twitter with a really seductive facial expression, that was like me pressuring you to cuddle and you being resistant but eventually spooning with me.
You'd been resistant to at all really show me that you like me and I turn you on, but you did so there. If you really didn't enjoy it, you would've stopped after trying it there and not enjoying it, the way you stopped being so inviting to Fed after you spooned with him that one time, and you would've stopped giving me any kind of attention, or at least certainly any intimate affection.
But what did you do? You kept going. REALLY fucking hard. I have VODs I've saved of you doing things that you did with an EXTREMELY intimate thought towards me in your head. You've done things on stream that intensely aroused me, specifically for my pleasure, right after I asked you to do them in private emails, explicitly being told I'd jerk off to you intensely and cum several times in a single day for you even harder than usual if you did what I asked. You wore lip gloss the following stream after I first told you it really turns me on and I'd jerk off extra hard to you if I saw you wear it the next stream after I asked, and you literally wore it for more than a week straight afterwards as well. You bent over in front of the camera multiple times after I asked, once again being explicitly told I'd jerk off to you really hard if you did. You LITERALLY moaned SUPER SEXUALLY, MULTIPLE TIMES, WITHOUT ME EVEN ASKING YOU TO, after I told you that even your voice really turns me on and is a wonderful combination of soothing and arousing that could never be matched as far as I'm concerned. I have proof of all of these things, and you know you've done them, so it just makes you an even bigger piece of shit if you deny it. I won't share them here, because I want you to know that I'm not trying to seek closure in posting this message publicly.
If we go back to the Fed metaphor, what you did was you kept letting me come over, you kept resisting when I wanted to cuddle but eventually caved and lied in bed with me, pressing up against me for longer and longer periods of time. You felt my rock hard cock pressing up against your perfect butt and throbbing in pleasure of the sensation you clearly knew I was greatly enjoying and wanted a lot more of, and you kept pressing up against me even more sensually, letting me come over every day to enjoy feeling your body pressed up against mine. I started rubbing up against your perfect butt, and you resisted at first, but let me indulge in that repeatedly. I started gently caressing your perfect breasts, and you resisted at first, but let me indulge in that repeatedly too. I started asking you to rub your butt up against me and do the work for me, and you were once again resistant at first, but ended up getting so into it and rubbing up against me so good that you'd make me cum multiple times every time I came over.
Eventually, I asked you to take your clothes off and let me see you naked, and you stopped even resisting and just ripped your clothes off and got on your knees and sucked me dry, taking load after load in your mouth and happily swallowing while sensually moaning and looking me in the eyes seductively with an expression of intense pleasure. You started getting even more wild and moaning for me randomly and begging to suck my cock dry repeatedly, and begging me to cum on your face, on your breasts, all over your butt, in your hair... you were thrilled to get every drop of cum I had in my balls, and even when they were empty, you still wanted more and would try pressing your perfect butt you know makes me so horny up against me or wrapping your lips tenderly around my cock and trying to suck it until it gets hard and ejaculates again even after I came 10 times in the same day. You got me so horny all the time for you and clearly showed me you were really enjoying it and I made you really horny too.
Then when I asked for sex one day, you gave me a really dirty look, gagged, got extremely upset and disgusted, like it was ridiculous and so unreasonable of me to think it was appropriate to even think of you riding my cock, and told me to fuck off and kill myself.
Look, not knowing I was going to pressure you to spoon the first time is understandable. Even not being certain if you really didn't enjoy it or were just in a bad mood a second time is understandable. But inviting me over to cuddle and end up rubbing up against you and ending up ejaculating 10 times every night, continuing to so intensely feed something you "don't enjoy" for the 1000th time, is NOT understandable. You don't freely let me in your house and press your perfect butt up against me for the 1000th time after knowing I "pressured" you to all the other 999 times, and claim you don't enjoy it. Nobody does something like that if they aren't enjoying it.
If you weren't enjoying rubbing your perfect butt up against my rock hard throbbing cock, I don't know what you were enjoying, but you CERTAINLY were enjoying SOMETHING to keep going for the 1000th time. If you're gonna be pissed at me that now I wanna bang after you've pleasured me so much in so many different ways for so long and you should want more yourself, I don't believe that's really how you feel. NOBODY should believe that's really how you feel.
It's not like something about me changed, and your attitude towards me ultimately hasn't either. Even when I came out of jail and sent you a really intense message, you continued to give me attention and do things you knew would turn me on. You've even went as far as to admit in public that you have a choking fetish to see how I'd react to it, and you still show a huge soft spot for me knowing that I've told you that you're going to miss out on getting to choke me if you don't start treating me properly. You've even given me more views of your perfect butt in more recent times, shortly after I mentioned I'd jerk off to you even harder if you did.
I've really been enjoying jerking off to those by the way. Anyways, back to the metaphor.
My dick size (which you know of very well from all the dick pics I've sent you while you were doing all those intimate things to intentionally turn me on) hasn't changed, my desire for you hasn't changed, and your willingness to continue to pleasure me hasn't changed either. Not only did you keep inviting me in your house and submitting to cuddling and feeling my rock hard throbbing cock up against your perfect butt and letting me cum rubbing up against you over and over again, but at this point, you've given me a key to your house, told me your secrets, and asked me when I'm gonna stick my cock inside you already. When I get upset that you're resisting to let me even though you ask, you start crying and rip your clothes off and start fingering yourself in front of me, getting angry and asking me why you don't turn me on like I've always told you that you do. You still don't believe me when I say you turn me on like you always have, even when I whip my cock out and start jerking off to you right in front of you and repeatedly call you a goddess as I stroke my cock intensely while staring at your perfection and cum several times all over your goddess body while you're fingering yourself with tears flowing down your gorgeous face as you complain that it seems like you're just not hot enough to be my perfect goddess you've always dreamed of being.
I'm sticking my cock inside you, sooner or later, whether you resist it or not. If you wanted to say no, you could've done that a thousand times already. At this point, your no has no credibility.
If you're sad because it makes it hard to talk to your friends with all the facts in front of them, that's not my problem.
My only problem is trying to figure out if I'm going to get to literally rub up against your perfect butt without having to meditate in isolation in a forest first or not. The only thing that makes me sad these days is the thought that you're going to make me EXTREMELY upset if you make me have to go into isolation first, and that REALLY shouldn't be hard to understand, no matter what level of intelligence you're at or whatever mental health issues you may have.
You have absolutely no room to complain about how explicitly sexual I get with you. When I first met you, I didn't flirt with you AT ALL. Not ONCE did I give you some kind of sexual look or comment sexually to you. Even after, for the whole first like 2 YEARS I communicated with you, I never really got intimate and sexual with you. It was only more than 2 years after I first started talking to you, when our connection had progressed to the point I wrote the huge International Ultimatum, as I was writing it you started expressing to me that I excited you greatly, and after I tried telling you I touch myself to you, then you expressed that you found it romantic I was saying stuff like that to you. Then I finally felt comfortable saying more sexual things to you. IT TOOK 2 FUCKING YEARS BEFORE I FELT COMFORTABLE WITH THINGS LIKE THAT AND YOU EXPRESSED CONSIDERABLE ENJOYMENT IN HEARING THEM FOR ME TO START FEELING COMFORTABLE WITH IT.
You turn me on insanely a lot and you started showing me you enjoy it a lot when I tell you in detail about it. What the fuck do you think I'm gonna do, stop?! That's BEYOND fucking dumb. Saying you wanted me to stop is just straight dishonest. Further, if you enjoyed it before, you definitely still enjoy it now, especially considering you probably thought I'd hate you so much I'd only want to be brutal to you moving forward and never want to tell you such things anymore even if they were true.
If you're wondering, yes, I still think you're the most perfectly voluptuous gorgeous goddess that could ever exist. Yes, I still jerk off to you for hours every day. Yes, I still wish things could work. I just don't see reason to expect them to and don't see any good reason to have much hope at all that they will either. It looks to me like you're just preparing to break my heart yet again, for the idk how many-ith time after I try to tell myself I should still hope. I'm done with practically expecting things to work when you're making it so painfully clear to me that I should instead expect to have to meditate in isolation and become a brutal dictator of this planet.
I just want to wake you up to how I feel and show you I'm serious, so if you really don't decide to treat me properly before it's too late, after I finish meditating in isolation and I come for my retribution, you and your friends aren't fucking over there all "Wow, well we didn't know you were going to do this; why didn't you make it more clear? Kimi would've dated you if you seemed more bothered she wasn't treating you right". If you won't date me, when I come back for my retribution, you're all fucking morons if you try to hit me with a "We didn't know you cared so much", and I'll be able to just say "You fuckheads, I couldn't have made it more clear; now, you suffer".
You know what I fucking realized? It looks like many people are so fucking spoiled and lucky to have so many positive interactions with other people and have felt so much love that they're fucking delusional and think feeling sheer hatred and actually wanting to torture and kill people for fun is beyond the capability of a human being. They seem to be unable to fathom that some people are so unfortunate to have lived such brutal lives that they never really had a pleasant and satisfying relationship with anyone and have never really felt like they belong or are loved or wanted at all, and furthermore have prospects that very clearly show them that things will never change and they should become monsters instead of trying to better themselves in a positive direction. Many people are so delusional they fail to realize that there are people that, if pushed past their limits, will not only be able to fathom torturing and killing people in mass for fun, but will very much plan, work towards, and have no problem executing upon their plans to do so, without any remorse, and that doesn't make them a psychopath, it just makes them a human being in tune with their emotions that were stepped all over so brutally that retribution became the only purpose in life they could find meaning in pursuing.
My view of humanity is VERY different than yours, and I'm only going to look MUCH more poorly at humanity if I don't get the healthy relationship with you that I'm after. Instead of fucking thinking I'm magically going to decide to "better" myself somehow and for no logical reason whatsoever decide to just randomly toss away all the extremely deeply rooted reasoning and emotion that drives my attitude, position, and behavior as it currently is, how about you fucking realize that if I can't get what I'm after, I have absolutely NOTHING AND NOBODY worth bettering myself for in my life, and I never will, so it's all only downhill from there on. Maybe this will help you fucking cut your bullshit delusions that everything is fucking rainbows and butterflies as long as you just try to suck it up and be nice or whatever the fuck it is you think your current behavior is supposed to display, because this fucking delusion of yours seems to be EXTREMELY fucking severe and is going to cost you your life if you don't snap out of it and fast.
With all the confidence I clearly have in my awareness of the truth and reality, it'd be quite poor judgement on my part not to recognize and adequately address the fact that reading all of this would obviously leave you wondering why, despite all the pain you've put me through and continue to put me through, I feel such warmth towards you that I actually want to do my best to try to get through to you and make a healthy relationship with you work and basically save you from yourself instead of already completely giving up and destroying your sanity and embracing following through on the extremely dark things I've threatened to do if you won't be with me, since obviously, with your fundamentally destructive mentality, all you're going to be left thinking is that there's no way I'm so stupid I'd be pursuing being loving when being a hateful monster is so much easier and seems even more rewarding.
The thing you gave me that makes me feel so much warmth towards you despite everything is hope. Hope that my wildest dreams can become reality. Hope that humanity can redeem itself and I won't end up resenting my existence so much that I only want to utilize it to take advantage of and eliminate the existence of others. Hope that among all the hatred and hard feelings I have to carry around with me all the time because of all the brutal experiences I've had, that there's at least one person out there in the world that I can connect with on such an intimate and familiar level that I can be soft and warm and vulnerable with them and feel okay and even enjoy it. For someone like me that has to embrace brutality and coldness so fundamentally to even just survive and be in tune with reality, that kind of connection is the most pleasant and satisfying thing that I could ever possibly fathom, and I don't want to give up on it unless I'm really pushed past my limit to ever even consider it a real possibility.
You gave me hope that it's a real possibility, and by extension, you're also the one that will take that hope away completely forever if you don't follow through on what you made me invest myself so severely in hoping for. The warmth that I continue to have towards you is a reflection of the hope that I continue to have, because you still haven't taken it all away. If you aren't communicating with me properly and treating me properly before this final deadline passes, you will have effectively permanently taken all of that hope away. Try to imagine how that will make me feel, and you'll start to scratch the surface of understanding how you need to think and act to actually start dealing with your issues properly, and then you'll start to be able to ACTUALLY make a lot of progress on dealing with your issues. Otherwise, they're only going to get worse and worse until the day you die.
If you're going to be this way now and insist on remaining ultimately cold and distant to the very end of this final deadline, being brutal as fuck to you later is only going to be that much more satisfying. Everything you do, you can have fun knowing every time you piss me off and act fucking stupid, I'm getting that much closer to being completely willing to follow through on the dark things I've told you I'm going to do to you, your friends, and all your families, and feel that much more satisfaction every moment I do them. Obviously, if you don't plan to start treating me right, then this is only going to get worse and worse and I'm only going to get more and more frustrated and livid throughout the remainder of the time until this final deadline is reached, and by the time you've confirmed to me you're choosing to secure your fate in the dark things I'm going to do to you, my heart will be ready to just turn completely black, embrace sheer hatred in every part of my being forever, and start following through with working towards it and achieving it; tossing away to the public the then useless code I'd have worked on while proving my point to you about my potential for constructive future prospects and starting to meditate in isolation instead will be EXTREMELY easy.
July 1st, 2020, my website with the revised version of the book gets a sudden spike of about 10,000+ views within about 24 hours.
July 2nd, 2020, within about 24 hours after this sudden spike of views started, Byron "Reckful" Bernstein committed suicide.
Coincidence? I think not. I mean... I guess it could be... But anyways, it doesn't really matter. Byron's connection with Becca has an INSANE amount of similarities to the one between us.
A little more than a month ago, Byron was already lowkey showing intense signs that he was feeling really depressed, drowning in self-pity and regret.
"love is something... if you find it, don’t let it go"
I saw a comment some moron posted in response to this. It was actually one of the top ones at the time that I checked the tweet; it probably still is.
"The human mind will let go, then it will find new love, often a greater one."
Someone that actually has a brain they use to some significant extent instead of blindly throwing projections around was able to grasp the message that Byron was getting at in making that tweet, and responded in a way that puts it pretty nicely.
"If it's forsaken for no good reason, it wasn't love to begin with; just instinct and egoism to make yourself feel good through hormones, blinded by the hormones and in denial that it's just hormones. Real love, that springs from reasoning, decision, and the aware mind, doesn't just end."
I read Becca's response to the situation, and I know it wasn't much, and I certainly can't call myself a friend or even an active follower of either of them, but I feel like I already can tell pretty clearly what kind of relationship they had.
They both genuinely cared about each other A LOT. The attraction was VERY strong.
The problem was Byron had very serious mental health issues, and this made the relationship pretty turbulent.
He was going through a lot mentally, so wanted a lot out of life. He'd always want to be having fun and experiencing new things, and he wanted to share that positive aspect of his mentality with others. He genuinely wanted everyone to be happy and wanted to see the world as this idealistic place where positivity can thrive and everyone can have empathy for each other and be good to each other and be friends. He always wanted more out of life and to be better than what he was, and he wanted to push those around him to improve themselves as well. He tried his best to go about it in a way where he wasn't being too much of an asshole.
His mental illness made him prone to moodiness and sometimes made him snappy and quick to anger, whether in outbursts or passive-aggressiveness. He was able to somewhat control it decently around his friends, even closer ones, but the one he loved the most, he hurt the most. He saw how deeply gentle and kind-natured she was and how patient and understanding she always was with him, and started taking it for granted and expecting her to tolerate pretty much however he wanted to treat her.
When she would try to talk to him about how some of his behavior was hurtful, he'd get defensive and even more hurtful, hiding behind his mental illness and his difficulty dealing with it, using it as an excuse to try to justify any behavior she didn't feel was right, and ending up telling her she knew NOTHING about how it was like to live with mental health issues. When she tried to understand and help him heal, he'd trivially dismiss even her greatest efforts, telling her she was just trying to help with trivial bullshit and she'd never be able to help him heal if that was the extent she was willing to try.
She kept trying, but it was just never enough for him no matter what she did.
Eventually, she started feeling really hurt. She was doing her absolute best, and she truly felt like he should be recognizing that and easing up on his intense, practically inhumanly high expectations of her to be angelic to him pretty much no matter what, and yet he was just taking her gentle and kind nature for granted and treating her badly. She started to feel like she was replaceable and he wasn't as committed to her as she felt he was deep in her heart and wanted to believe despite his outward behavior. He was making her feel insanely insecure and she was starting to feel like she was just losing her sanity trying to help him heal and grow and overcome his mental issues that seemed unhealable. She still loved him a lot and felt very attracted to him, but she was forced to accept that he didn't seem to want to change his really toxic attitude towards her.
She decided she had to break up with him.
He felt really guilty about his treatment towards her and knew it was wrong, but his pride and self-pity prevented him from truly pursuing repairing the relationship. They broke up. He was quite charismatic and good at being spontaneous and affectionate if he wanted to be, so he managed to find someone else to be with rather easily. He tried his best to move on from her, but he never really could, and he ended up just feeling worse and worse every day because he felt like she was drifting away from him and would never come back and it was all his fault things were the way they were. He slowly started realizing more and more how much he loved her and how badly he needed her in his life, and it tore him apart more and more every day how he'd taken her for granted so hard and was letting his ego get in the way of fixing his relationship with the love of his life.
Months passed, and eventually he couldn't take it anymore. He had a huge mental breakdown and made his genuine best attempt to repair the relationship and prove he loves her very deeply and wants to commit to spending his life with her and trying to fix himself and how he's pretty much reflexively abusive to the one he loves the most, but he realized it was already too late. He'd damaged their connection too much, and after letting so much time pass, it would've been virtually impossible for him to repair the trust he'd broken with her by being so distant for so long. He publicly confessed his undying love for her in a desperate grasp at whatever little happiness he could reach for while so severely drowning in perpetual misery, and as it quickly sunk in that it was futile, and all the self-pity, guilt, sadness, anger... all the negative emotions he had for himself and his life reached a climax, he felt at peace with ending his life, and did so without hesitation nor failure, because he truly no longer wanted to live and he knew it with every part of his being.
So... Assuming I'm right about you (In the good way; the way I fell in love with you assuming you are)... Basically, you're Byron and I'm Becca. Yes, I know, technically I'm the one with a dick and you're the one with a vagina, but I'm talking about the emotional qualities of the connection, not physical details.
In Becca's case, she wasn't insanely intelligent and skilled at philosophy and psychology to be able to cope really well with Byron's insanity and actually try to figure out how to help him heal and treat her properly so they could have a flourishing relationship. I don't fault her for this; he was probably really messed up, and she certainly shouldn't have been expected to be so insanely great as to have been able to work with him to fix his clearly very serious issues. Because she knows his issues were very serious and she was helpless to fix them and it's not her fault, she's just left with her heart hurting and grieving the loss of someone she truly cared about and loved very deeply but couldn't manage to have a healthy enough relationship with to be able to spend her life with him, regardless of how much she wanted to and her best attempts to be a really good person and act properly with him.
Well, needless to say, in this regard, I'm much unlike Becca. As far as I'm concerned, you're EXTREMELY suicidal if you have done everything you've done without a part of you that DEEPLY wants to spend your life with me. Because of how much I still love you and will continue to unless you're still not treating me properly by the time this final deadline passes, at this point, I'm choosing to still believe it's mental health issues, and not you truly being an extremely slimy irredeemable piece of shit psychopath monster at your core, that's causing you to act the way you are right now. I know you have mental health issues which are holding you back from embracing and expressing your feelings for me properly, and I also know that I should be capable of helping you to work through them enough that you should be able to start treating me properly soon and allow us to have a wonderful life together.
If I fail to achieve that, my view of humanity for being so fucked up, as well as myself for so deeply being in love with someone so fucked up and suicidal and broken beyond even MY capability to help and heal them, will NEVER give me peace or allow me to feel AT ALL okay with how things turned out, and I'll end up becoming EXTREMELY sad, angry, bitter, hateful, and destructive, to reciprocate the (however deeply suppressed you try to make it) extremely clear attitude that you would be showing me, as you and the rest of the world deserves. I wouldn't even care about whose fault it is as much as I'd simply force myself to accept that things are the way they are, reality is and will forever be complete garbage, and I should treat my own life and the lives of others with the same level of extremely brutal contempt and hatred that it gave me constantly and relentlessly.
I worry about you a lot. I feel like you're gonna end up doing the same kind of thing as Byron one day, no matter how strong of a front you try to put up now. You've already established the track record for it EXTREMELY clearly, although many seem to somehow not see it at all, or think it's insignificant, when it should be EXTREMELY obvious that it's really important.
Every time I've been distant with you for a longer time, twice now, you've started feeling TERRIBLE and slowly literally losing your mind. The first time, you just randomly had a mental breakdown out of nowhere on stream within less than two months, and who knows what you would've ended up feeling and doing if I didn't quickly return. The second time, you started acting batshit insane, projecting like fuck all your terrible attributes onto me, acting so fucked up that you ended up LITERALLY starting to go to THERAPY (holy FUCK I was NOT expecting to come out of jail to see THAT!), doing things to lowkey scream that you're desperate for my attention, and visibly seeming EXTREMELY disturbed and distressed (although you tried to make it seem like it wasn't that big of a deal) throughout many tweets that showed me you were clearly losing your mind until I returned. My first message to you after I came out of jail, your response was practically immediate and so strong that I feel it should be quite obvious to anyone that actually knows what I said there, that if you were that excited I was back despite how intense and brutal that message was, I literally make you super horny and you CLEARLY like me an INSANE amount more than you make apparent. Like, to the point that it shouldn't be very hard AT ALL to believe that you'll end up becoming really suicidal if I truly start hating you and decide I'm done giving you a chance to make things work.
If you start feeling like absolute garbage and slowly losing your mind every time you think I'm really gone and never coming back, are you really so stupid you think that's somehow magically not going to happen this time when I'd leave for real, ESPECIALLY if I leave you in a way a million times more brutal than ever before? Are you really so stupid you think that knowing you fucked up beyond redemption with the person you feel deep in your heart is the love of your life is somehow going to make you be able to keep your sanity despite EVERY SINGLE PART of the situation HEAVILY indicating and facilitating you losing your mind more than ever before and ending up extremely suicidal to the point that you literally kill yourself like Byron did?
For Byron, perhaps him ending up killing himself over how he broke his relationship with Becca wasn't so obvious, probably not even to Becca herself. Well, needless to say, in this regard, you're much like Byron, except I actually think it's EXTREMELY obvious you're going to end up killing yourself if you don't start treating me properly before it's too late.
There's NOTHING you can do to convince me otherwise, and I don't want you to try either. You probably reflexively want to try to convince me I'm wrong, because it probably feels easier for you to think that right now, and you're probably going to try justifying it to yourself as "he's better off without me anyways, I was so bad to him, it's just better this way", but that's all COMPLETE BULLSHIT and you should know it and if you don't then I'm going to keep fucking shaking you until you have no option but to accept it, even if you end up doing so too late. Even if I'm wrong, and even if you could somehow convince me (which once again, literally isn't possible anyways), I still feel the way I do about you and want to spend my life with you and I'm truly NEVER changing my position, desires, and intentions no matter what. I've already gone into EXTENSIVE detail with you throughout many, MANY messages now, which in total should show you EXTREMELY clearly how much rational backing goes into my love and affection for you and the extreme intensity with which I insist on this.
If I'm wrong about you being a good person inside who just has serious mental issues you need to heal from, then that just means you're a terrible monster through-and-through, that you will most likely end up a serial killer, and that you CLEARLY deserve the really dark things I'd do to you for treating me so badly (RIP your friends and family though; they probably don't deserve what'd end up happening to them because of you, even though it'd still happen anyways). You CERTAINLY shouldn't be TRYING to convince me of that, unless you WANT all your friends to start feeling legit hella unsafe with having you in their lives. Do you want that?
The reality is that I'm NEVER leaving you with ANY kind of closure, and in fact I'm MORE than willing to leave you AS FUCKED UP AS I CAN POSSIBLY MAKE YOU if you won't start dating me and treating me properly before this final deadline passes, so if you'd rather LITERALLY kill yourself or get killed than spend your life with me, you deserve it all, and I'm only going to feel EXTREMELY driven to be the ABSOLUTE WORST person I can be if it turns out things have to end that way, once again much unlike Becca. In the meanwhile, I'm smart enough to know not to make the same mistake as Becca, and not be too nice for you to see how much of a genuinely inexcusable piece of shit you're being to me right now and hopefully actually decide to change before it's too late.
After I finally decided to share irrefutable evidence that you have feelings for me with your friends, you seemed to have gotten really upset and basically tried to tell me never to speak to you again and just give up. I'll truly give up on ever having a healthy relationship with you if you still aren't communicating with me directly and treating me properly before this final deadline passes, but I know better than to give up before then. How you actually felt about things was made even more clear by the fact that you coupled that message with a couple pictures of you where you gave an extremely clear view that you had on the shiniest layer of lip gloss I've ever seen you with in my entire life; something you've known for some time now would turn me on a lot.
Your words say "don't talk to me", but your super shiny lips scream "please never leave me or i'm going to end up killing myself". Holy, I've never seen them so shiny. You really tried hard. It's really hot.
You always do this. You act tough and force yourself to push me away when the pressure is on, then you end up crying and start literally losing your mind and acting insane after a while if I actually leave. Are you forgetting that I see this as just a manifestation of your serious mental issues that will probably lead to you committing suicide eventually if you don't start dealing with them better and start treating me properly before it's too late? I suppose I should make it clearer to you, since it's extremely obvious you're an insecure mess. Based on the shine of your lips in those pictures alone, you're praying for it; I'm more than happy to answer your prayers.
I want you to know I'm not fucking playing ANY more games. Why should I push you away? So you can go on next stream and say you've been really sad lately, practically begging for me to come back, and I end up compelled to, so I end up just looking stupid/insecure/mentally unstable/lacking conviction? Or how about when you'd undoubtedly start crying out and begging for my attention and going insane as the deadline approaches? Or how about when you legit start fucking losing your mind and slowly become more and more suicidal afterwards from knowing you lost the love of your life and it's going to cost you your life one way or another?
You think I want to deprive myself of the potential for an amazing relationship with you, undoubtedly drive you insane, and all while knowing I didn't even try my best to make it work before giving up? Fuck that. I'm fighting as hard as I possibly can for what I want and deserve, no matter how insecure you're gonna be about it. I know what I'm after, and I've already told you, I'm not fucking weak.
Why the fuck would I give up right now? So I can feel lonely for the rest of my life and deeply regret not even trying my best to prevent the love of my life from slipping away? So I can be forced to meditate in isolation in the forest while constantly second-guessing myself and wondering about the possibility that I could've made things work if I tried harder? So you can end up harming others one day because you'll be so upset that they should've seen the signs and known that you secretly wanted me extremely badly but just felt really socially pressured to push me away instead and deeply resent them for it, and I end up feeling guilty about it? So you can end up killing yourself, and I end up feeling terrible that I could've prevented it?
Yeah, no. If you're a massive piece of shit, which is the only way I'd fail to end up with you, I at least owe it to myself to show you and everyone else that I wasn't a monster in the beginning, you just made me one by being so brutally, relentlessly, unapologetically, irredeemably, unforgivably heartless and cruel to me, and I owe it to myself to have absolutely no regrets about being extremely brutal with you and your friends and all your families in the future if things have to be like that.
Besides, you'd truly be hurting me so deeply and irreparably if you end up denying me of the relationship with you that I'm after in the end, that I truly and genuinely want to leave you as traumatized as I possibly can in that case, and I can't achieve that unless I show you just how good of a person I was, to show you how deep the hurt you inflicted on me by ultimately rejecting me is, that I'm willing to completely 180 from being an insanely good person to an insanely horrible monster that's clearly willing to throw away all positivity and unapologetically relentlessly dive into the deepest depths of darkness and destruction.
As I've already told you, I won't be uploading and sharing the vast majority of evidence I have against you publicly, despite it being a massive amount and really bad for you if I do. I'm very intentionally only sharing a very small amount, just enough to basically prove I'm not making all of this up, and also so you know I'm not refraining from sharing evidence out of some kind of stupid fear of you that I obviously shouldn't have. I'm not doing this simply seeking to clear my name, and I feel like sharing all this stuff in public just comes off like I'm trying to clear my name and get closure. I don't give a flying fuck about clearing my name, and I sure as hell don't want to give you any kind of closure if you're not going to treat me properly and make things work. I feel like it also would make you feel justified in believing I was after revenge, was lying to you about my affection for you, and that I ultimately was left with some kind of satisfaction, giving you reason to feel less terrified for you and your friends' and families' lives in the future.
I want to spend my life with you, and I want you to understand in the depths of your soul that I won't ever accept being denied of that, and if you end up making it clear to me that denying me of it regardless is the path you want to pursue as your final decision in the end, that I'm truly never moving on, never going to be happy or even really okay, that you have every reason to be mortified of the future that you should be expecting me to follow through on, and that it's ultimately purely your fault for choosing to inflict that upon yourself and everyone around you instead of treating me properly and having a really positive outcome out of everything.
I haven't been doing this wanting you to push me away, and even if you do, I'm still never changing my position. This is not intended as a challenge, and if you choose to treat it as one to the very end, you'll only come to deeply regret it in the future. Even if you start trying to push me away and/or ignore me now, I'm still following through on everything I've said. I'll still be periodically sending source updates, and if you're still not treating me properly by the time this final deadline arrives, I'm going to release the source I have at that point, in its entirety, and decide to go into isolation to meditate to prepare to carry out all the dark things I've mentioned to you many times now.
You had a "heart-to-heart" with some friends and they decided they need therapy too? How did that go? "Okay yeah guys, to be honest, I'm a lying piece of shit. I did actually massively lead this guy on for years and he hasn't been lying about any of it. He's not full of shit and we should all actually be scared for our lives. I already knew that long ago, which is why I've been going to therapy; because I know how royally fucked I am. You guys should go to therapy too; hopefully it'll help you cope with the fact that you all have drastically shortened lives and will die slow, painful, brutal deaths within about 3 years, while I'm forced to watch, because I'm a horrible, heartless, unapologetic piece of shit psychopath that consciously and intentionally massively led on an extremely powerful person that I was very clearly warned from the very beginning was so but I was just too disrespectful and looked down on him so much that I didn't believe him at all despite constant evidence to the contrary, and I'm an irredeemable, unforgivable piece of shit that just can't find it in my heart to love him and make things better instead of just keep running away and hating him unreasonably to my death, even if it costs us all our lives, despite the fact that a healthy and loving relationship with me is clearly what he really wants." ????
Wow, I'm sure that was comforting. No wonder they fucking decided REAL QUICK that they need therapy too. If you insist on this attitude though, just as you are, they too will eventually learn that although perhaps it can help, it's not a solution, and will never compensate for deeply flawed and disturbing life choices that one can only end up forever deeply regretting.
I really hope your attitude wasn't like that. I really hope that this isn't the attitude you maintain to the very end, even if it's the one you're at now. I truly don't want things to have to end in a really dark and unfortunate way, as much as I'm willing to go down that path if you will. I told you, I haven't been lying to you about my intentions. I really am trying to make things work, and it's up to you whether you're going to act properly or not, and then accordingly, you will face the consequences in either scenario. If you act properly, I will treat you very well and things will be much better for you in multiple ways. If you don't act properly, it's just going to get worse and worse, and, if this deadline is passed and you still aren't treating me properly, only an extremely dark fate awaits you, your friends, and all your families. I know you're probably angry right now that your friends are (rightly) upset at you because I've finally chosen to show some evidence and it's obviously completely discredited all the manipulative and dishonest things about me that you've undoubtedly been telling them for so long now, and that's only further reason you feel to want to push me away, but I still want to believe the best in you and that you have a soft spot in your heart for me that will allow you to make peace with your mistakes in a healthy way and start treating me properly before it's too late, instead of being extremely destructive. I really do love you a lot.
Look, I don't stand to gain anything by lying to you here. Both of our lives are a lot worse if we don't end up being good to each other and dating and marrying each other and maintaining a healthy relationship. We'd both end up deeply traumatized and with very unfortunate futures. I'll forever be lonely, lose out on constructive future prospects of making a really fun and successful game, and have to deal with constantly feeling like life is absolute shit and I just have to be a terrible person because being good was never and will never be even remotely truly satisfying, ending up becoming an extremely brutal and cruel dictator of the world when I always just wanted to be a really kind and loving person. You'll spend the rest of your drastically shortened life being constantly nervous for your life, feeling guilty about being a shitty person, dealing with judgement and lowkey hatred from all your friends for making them afraid for their lives because of you being such a shitty person, and you'll end up being and feeling irreparably mentally broken and ultimately most likely quite suicidal, ending up either killing yourself or having to face the extremely brutal and dark fate that I have told you I will follow through on unapologetically if I'm deprived of a proper healthy relationship with you. This is the reality that I deal with every day, and it's why I'm so intense and I'm trying so hard to do everything I can think of to get through to you, and why I get EXTREMELY upset when I see you getting really cocky and arrogant and basically thinking this is a joke. Things are EXTREMELY serious, and I NEED you to realize that VERY CLEARLY.
I told you, I'm upset because you're not communicating with me properly and I'm worried you'll never treat me properly in the end. I'm not getting frustrated because I'm trying to give up and leave you. I'll only be truly convinced I have to give up if this final deadline passes and you still aren't treating me properly, and if that happens, things are extremely dark. I'm not going to go down that path unless you truly refuse to act properly in the end even regardless of my greatest efforts to make things work, meaning it simply no longer makes any sense to at all remain positive or constructive or a good person.
I have nothing to randomly give up on you for; nothing that would even remotely make it worth considering. There's nobody else I'd ever want; you're literally perfect in every single way physically and by far the most attractive and sexy goddess I could ever fathom existing, and I have never and will never have an emotional connection with someone with such depth and potential to be extremely rewarding and pleasant. I don't care about career opportunities or prospects if I can't spend my life with you, and mine are all fucked without you in my life anyways. I'm not going to be content with trivial bullshit and shallow mindless entertainment when I'm so deeply troubled by my current life circumstances that I'm literally on the brink of meditating in isolation in a forest to end up a cruel and brutal dictator of the planet if I can't manage to make our relationship work. You should know these things very well, and I'm sure it contributes to why you're so bold in being like this right now.
At the end of the day, you making your lips super shiny, so shiny it looks like you took extra care to really make it a point that you wanted to extremely consciously turn me on more than ever before with them (which worked btw), and additionally even commenting that you feel dead inside, I feel makes what you really want and how you really feel about me pretty obvious. Even if you didn't do those things, my feelings towards you and the position I'm choosing to unwaveringly maintain wouldn't change, but I feel like at this point, especially after this, if you try to push me away and/or ignore me, it's not what you really want to do, it's just because of intense social pressure and self-doubt. I don't know if it's because you're really a good person that wants to be with me in the end or if I'm just being stupid because I have a huge soft spot for you and want to believe the best in you to the very last possible moment, but I still want to believe the best in you, and I'm going to follow my heart on that.
Stop looking for some easy way out of this. It's not healthy and it's also not happening. You either make things work between us or have an extremely dark fate ahead of you. I suppose I can see this as you actually doing your best to try to fight to have me show my affection for you even more deeply so you can end up feeling more comfortable reaching out to me before it's too late, which in that case, I can understand. For this possibility, I'll continue to be patient while it still makes sense to be, and I'll work hard to make sure I'm on top of my development schedule, even if I do spend some entire days just jerking off to you because you're just that hot that I just don't want to do anything else sometimes. Just make sure you don't try fighting too hard, okay? Because after this final deadline passes, there's nothing to fight for anymore, you'd just be at a deep loss if you aren't treating me properly.
Now that I've refreshed your memory about what happened over 2 years ago the first time I gave you space, I feel like I should say a little more about it, since it probably is part of the reason you're so insecure about your feelings for me. In the moment, when I saw your reaction, I felt really hurt about how you could say things like that in public while telling me in private that you "just wanted to remain distant friends". I was feeling insecure about my own worth, and thought there's no way you really mean what you said about feeling really invested in me.
You saw me in chat, but continued to play it off like you were talking about Pants, and never really spoke honestly about it, trying to laugh things off with Pants to the very end. I felt really sad and angry, feeling like I was stupid for ever thinking I had a chance with you, and I was feeling really depressed that I'd probably end up going into a forest to meditate in isolation within a few months after giving you space and become a cruel dictator of the planet, if I didn't end up just killing myself. Yeah, I'd already contemplated this stuff before I even met you; that's what I meant when I told you stuff like "if i go crazy, this world is fucked", although you must already realize that by now.
Looking back at it now, it was pretty big that you said those things and that situation happened, even if you never blatantly admitted it was me you were talking about. I should've been warmer to you. I should've sent you a tender message telling you that I really wasn't joking about having really warm feelings for you and that I felt quite certain you were talking about me on stream and I really wanted to talk to you about it. I should've at least tried getting a proper confession from you before resorting to giving up and deciding to just give you space and cut off all communication. I was hurting so much when I did that; I really hope you know that. I never wanted to hurt you, I never wanted to confuse you, and I never wanted to leave you. Never. I swear on God, on my life, on anything and everything you believe in. I really thought that I was just being annoying and overbearing and you secretly hated me and wished I'd go away and never come back. I thought I was doing you a favor and giving you what you wanted. I knew I wasn't close enough to you at that point for it to feel right to be extremely pushy about things, and I felt like it'd just come off the wrong way if I blew up on you hella hard for how upsetting such intensely mixed signals were.
I don't know if you would've responded warmly, but seeing how things have developed and how much attention and warmth you've shown me and continue to show me, I feel like I have decent reason to believe it could've prevented a lot of the struggle we've been through. Probably not, since you would've still been so scared of everyone's judgments of you for your feelings towards me, but knowing that I wasn't on top of things enough to even give you an opportunity and try to see how you would have responded... it hurts a lot, and I want you to know I'm truly sorry about leaving you wondering about that. I've just been so focused constantly on trying to make things work ever since I returned back then, that I don't think I've ever addressed this until very recently, and I think I should've long ago. Regardless, it certainly doesn't change my feelings towards you and the position I'm maintaining, and you should only love me more if anything knowing that this is how I feel about it.
I understand the situation was confusing and difficult for you, and I forgive you for being distant there. What I won't be able to forgive is if you let something like that get in the way of you realizing how precious you really are to me and ultimately preventing us from ending up together, even after everything we've been through since and how much closer it's brought us. I've only met you in person once, but I'm far closer to you than I've ever been to anyone else in my life. I don't get all tender and understanding and tolerate so much conflict and pressure and judgement for other girls. I don't tell other girls about jerking off to them. I don't send other girls dick pics. I will never in my life do all these things for another girl. I care about you so deeply and I have never and will never care about anyone else this much. I miss you so much that words really just aren't enough to convey it. My heart hurts a lot every day that you don't speak to me. You don't know how badly I wish I could even just give you a hug...
To all of Kimi's friends that have recently realized they were wrong about me, you should feel ashamed of yourselves. You must now be starting to realize how badly Kimi's been manipulating you and lying to you and making me seem like some absolute lunatic when really I'm just an extremely good person at heart that's extremely passionate about wanting to spend my life with Kimi and who's been given so much reason to keep trying that I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I didn't see this through to the end, for better or worse. At this point, you'd probably expect me to be super angry and spiteful towards all of you now that I know you're starting to realize how bad things can end up if I want them to, but I love Kimi so much that I'm still choosing to believe that she's not just an irredeemable heartless monster; she's just in an environment that makes it very difficult for her to really feel comfortable being honest about how she really feels inside.
NOT A SINGLE ONE OF YOU had the heart to try reaching out to me EVEN ONCE to try to understand my perspective and so much as ask for even ONE piece of evidence to try to explain why I had such strong convictions that Kimi secretly has intense deeply affectionate feelings for me. You all preferred to essentially watch and laugh from a distance while me and Kimi struggled with the situation and our worries about each others' feelings and dealing with the judgments of everyone around, while Kimi felt too guilty about the things she'd done and too insecure about her own worth and how people would judge her for her feelings towards me, that she felt like she had to constantly lie just so everyone around her wouldn't hate her or something.
The amount of completely blind hatred that you were all more than willing to feel towards me, without even for a moment actually trying to be more open-minded about the situation and reading below the surface of the life of one of your best friends and trying to understand why things were happening, means you ALL have personalities that are fundamentally DEEPLY broken. You should all take a good hard look at yourselves and realize that you all truly contributed to this problem, and if you don't want things to get A LOT worse, you now need to start being a part of the solution. I understand that it's going to be troubling to you to learn that someone you consider a good friend has been lying to you so badly for so long, but she needs you to be understanding now more than ever.
Now that you know Kimi has feelings for me and feels extremely socially pressured and insecure about admitting them, you need to refrain from making her feel even more uncomfortable and guilty, and instead facilitate her to start being more honest. Otherwise, she's STILL going to lie to you, no matter how much she calls it a "heart-to-heart", because even if she says she doesn't, she still feels extreme social pressure, and she's the type that will end up faultfinding and blaming EVERYONE around her and just drowning in guilt and self-pity and feeling helpless and probably even killing herself over it in the end, if she doesn't get enough support from those in her life to pursue what she really wants. It really hurts me a lot to think of someone so precious to me being devoured by this fucked up society's ignorance and judgmental attitude.
Be gentle with the love of my life, or I will NEVER let you live it down. I NEED this woman in my life, and she NEEDS me in her life too. Accept the facts and stop having so much hatred in your hearts, for fuck's sake.
Just don't be too gentle with her for her to realize she needs to start treating me a WHOLE LOT better than she currently is. Be gentle with Kimi for being attracted to me, but you'd better not be fucking gentle with her AT ALL for being so shitty to me like she is right now. Treat her like absolute fucking dog shit garbage for not actually making things better and talking to me. If you don't, you're contributing to the problem. Don't forget your lives and your friends and families' lives are all in Kimi's hands, and she's making a mockery of your existence by demonstrating such great contempt for you and all your loved ones by sending so many mixed messages to me and coming off like an extremely cruel tease instead of talking to me properly and treating me with the deep love and respect that I deserve from her.
If you don't start communicating with me directly and treating me properly before this final deadline passes, that is effectively the exact same as a direct explicit rejection, and will be treated as such. I'll go over exactly what I'm going to do if the deadline passes and you still aren't treating me the way I deserve to be treated; communicating with me directly, treating me properly, and dating me, at least privately.
My website with the latest version of my book will be updated with a red disclaimer area at the top that will read as follows:
As of September 1st, 2020, Kimi has failed to start to treat me properly by her final deadline to do so, and has forced me to take drastic measures to finally be able to see without a shadow of doubt what the truth is and what path I must take in my life. If Kimi doesn't reach out to me directly to express deep affection and desire and intention to start dating me before I completely lose all hope of any possibility things could ever work between us, then I will certainly end up meditating in isolation in the forest well before the end of 2020. She's well aware she doesn't have much time before that happens. After all I've went through, ANYTHING that isn't her starting direct communication with me in a very affectionate and loving way that is clearly intended to quickly lead to dating with the intent to marry and spend her life with me, I will, without exception, see as rejection, and I've made this extremely clear to her, so she has absolutely no even remotely good excuses not to do so. If Kimi ultimately rejects me this final time she will ever be able to inflict such extremely deep pain and suffering upon me (as she no longer has any real room to attempt to gaslight me any further), she will have broken my heart and deeply disappointed me for the last time, and how heartlessly she must be facilitated in doing so by several other critical members of society in order to be able to feel justified in doing so will leave me with only extremely deep, irredeemable, unwavering hatred and disgust towards all of humanity forever. I find it important to note that even if somehow every person in the world ends up trying to pressure her to be with me, but in the end she still doesn't do so, the outcome will be the same. I will leave society and have gone into isolation to meditate in a forest using quantum energy harvesting meditation techniques and prepare to emerge in the future within about 2-3 years to start carrying out my extremely brutal retribution and showing the world a vengeance far unlike anyone has ever witnessed before. I hereby officially authorize all Shadow Confederation members to wreak as much havoc as they please in my absence, as I'll be proceeding to demolish all of society out of extremely deep and irredeemable sadness and anger once I complete my time in isolation, so you guys might as well have some fun before this whole shitty world comes crashing down. If you don't, your loss.
I've decided that if you don't start treating me properly before it's too late, with me giving up on coding and all other constructive future prospects in favor of preparing to go into isolation, I'm going to upload the entire project configuration and source code of the game project that I've been sharing with you the progress of into a public GitHub repository (which will obviously also include a copy of the book and the disclaimer which explains why the code is freely public) and link it on my website and in a tweet. I'll summarize that since you've left me so devastated and hurt, to really prove to everyone that I'm giving up all my extremely promising future prospects in favor of isolation and destruction, I'm releasing my best work in its entirety for free with absolutely no license, for anyone to steal any extent of as they please and not be obligated to give me even the slightest bit of credit.
It's not like credit or rewards will matter if I'm going to go into isolation and then terrorize this world and end up having to do extremely dark things to you despite all my greatest efforts to go about things in a healthy way. At least releasing a crazy source actually gives people more reason to seriously look into what the fuck is going on and actually want to share it more passionately in more places, and the exposure and shock of people for its quality and the story behind why such a crazy valuable source is public will cause a storm in your professional world and serve to not only amplify the emotional trauma my absence would cause, but also eventually cause shock waves in your professional prospects as well, hopefully affecting your ability to get sponsors, collabs, whatever damage I can cause. If you feel okay just stepping all over me after all of this, then I want to give you a good taste of your own medicine, and since I actually crush you the hardest if I try to go about it in the way that's most sharp, this is that way.
On the GitHub where I upload the entire project folder, with all the source files and resources and everything needed to compile, run, and do whatever anyone wants with the entirety of everything I worked to create these months I've been working on this (and ultimately the years of effort it took to be able to create it), effectively throwing away all of my constructive future prospects, I'm going to include this message along with the details for the project displayed underneath the file listing.
This is the entire source and project files for a game I developed that is ultimately a culmination of over 16 years of programming experience combined with a few years of game development experience. It came after much trial and error, failing many times, a lot of blood, sweat, and tears, and was what I would've at one point considered my life's work. I'm well aware that this source is quite valuable. If I wanted to keep improving everything, cleaning up the code and refining the functionality and gameplay flow, I feel quite certain I'd end up with a product that has considerable potential at success in the gaming industry. Instead of releasing it for free like this and just giving up on it, I could've chosen to keep working on it and pursue commercializing it and eventually just managing its growth and probably making a decent living off it. On top of that, I could've at least eventually possibly sold it for a lot of money; I wouldn't have ever done this anyways though, because I don't value money so much, and how rewarding it'd feel to know I made a great game and how fulfilling running it would be for me would well outweigh any amount of money I could ever be offered to sell it. What I'm saying is that my decision to cease any further development on it and instead choosing to release it as open source to the public isn't out of thinking that it's trash, nor that my skills or potential are trash. I know the future prospects for continuing to develop this and eventually trying to commercialize it are quite good; I most likely could've quite easily not only made a living but acquired considerable wealth through continued efforts on it. I'm choosing to release this source because these future prospects hold absolutely no meaning to me. All possible constructive future prospects in my life, in this field or otherwise, all hold absolutely no meaning to me any longer. I have become so thoroughly disillusioned by humanity, and so brutally deprived of any possibility of ever achieving a truly fulfilling happiness in my life, that confusing and scaring people by casually throwing away any and all constructive future prospects for myself, in favor of meditating in isolation using quantum energy harvesting meditation techniques to strengthen myself to the point that I can become an extremely brutal and cruel dictator of the world, is the only thing that I find any real meaning and purpose in, and I feel absolutely unwaveringly driven to do so without the slightest bit of hesitation or doubt. This release is irrefutable proof of this. I don't care who you are, and I don't care whether you know of me or the circumstances of my life that have lead to things ending up how they have for this world or not, but if you're reading this, I want you to know that you're part of the problem regardless, and you will undoubtedly feel the consequences of my solution, sooner or later. I wrote a ~500 page book explaining in great depth many things, going into considerable detail about the field of philopsychology, which to any reasonably intelligent and unbiased individual, should make it extremely clear as to why I've chosen to release this source. The contents of this book can be found both in the The_Black_Book.html in the project, as well as at http://theblackbook.cc/ The initial version of this book was officially released to the public towards the very end of 2019, and is the reason why the COVID-19 pandemic started very early in the year of 2020. It also landed me criminal charges, a court case, and a 60-day psychological evaluation in a mental hospital. By the time I was done with the doctors evaluating me, they told me they were honored to have met me, greatly appreciated my openness and cooperation in elaborating in such detail about my life and knowledge, wished me the best of luck in achieving the goal I was after, and let me leave without any resistance. I have failed to achieve that goal, through no lack of mental fortitude and good intentions on my part, and thus have become absolutely certain that I will never desire to be a positive, constructive, good person ever again for the rest of my existence. Because I've been so deeply tormented by my extremely unfortunate life circumstances, I ended up even writing a fairly large final statement on top of this huge book, in my last attempt to make things start heading in a positive direction. That statement has also been included in the repository as Final_Statement.html and can also be viewed at http://theblackbook.cc/?title=Final_Statement and even despite my continued extensive efforts to the point of writing this statement, it seems I'm simply destined to head down an extremely dark path in life. I've never been the type to run from reality, no matter how painful or dark it may be, and I'm not starting now, nor will I ever in the future. Whoever you are, I don't give a flying fuck what you do with this source. You're royally fucked anyways, along with the rest of this shitty planet. To those who relentlessly used and abused me, hated me to the ground, and facilitated others doing the same... I will NEVER forgive or forget you. I'm following through on EVERYTHING I've said. Time will tell whose hatred is stronger.
I'm going to post a link to the repository on r/gamedev, so it'll get some exposure at least that way. That post will also contain the message above.
I'm also going to make the last tweet I ever make in my life. It will go as follows.
To those who relentlessly used and abused me, hated me to the ground, and facilitated others doing the same... I will NEVER forgive or forget you. I'm following through on EVERYTHING I've said. Time will tell whose hatred is stronger.
It literally doesn't matter whether you hate on me, try to break my heart, try to seek closure, try to ignore me... no matter what, I'm not changing my position. I'm prepared for the best and prepared for the worst and there is no in-between. I'm seeing this through the way I truly want to deep in my soul, no matter what you do. I truly want to spend my life with you and am working towards that, and if you're a good person, you'll reciprocate that, and we'll end up together. If you decide to act like a bad person, since I haven't forced you to feel like I want you to act as such, you'd be doing so purely out of truly being a bad person at your core. I'm doing my best and I know it.
As much as you might want and try to deny it, you have a huge role in things ending up this way. It's not just me trying to force you to date and marry me. All your behavior has led up to the point where you've made me feel extremely justified in being this way. You literally begged for this every step of the way; don't forget that. You need to realize it's far too late now to try to go back on this. Whether you like it or not, I'm completely committed to either spending my life with you in a very healthy way or tormenting you and having my way with you brutally in the end. Those are your options and you have to pick one whether you like it or not.
I wouldn't have walked out of that mental hospital if I wasn't truly capable of destroying this whole world if I don't get what I'm after.
This is the FINAL deadline and I REALLY should NOT have to EVER extend this shit again. You either start treating me properly, or you're NEVER planning to actually treat me properly and fairly, even if you're willing to talk to me eventually; I truly absolutely believe that with every part of my being.
I want to be extremely clear that if I have to release this source, I'll never be able to trust you, and there is NO chance for you to redeem yourself. Everything is fucked. Period. Every other deadline, you had an ability to redeem yourself, and even when it took starting to go to therapy and desperately begging me to come back and give you attention and affection in every possible way you could think of, you did it. However, there's NOTHING you could do to try to redeem yourself if you won't start being REALLY good to me before this final deadline is reached. You've already expressed deep distress at my absence, started going to therapy to express even more intense regret and desire to change your shitty behavior, and desperately begged for my attention and affection in every possible way while it could come off at all genuine. If you don't start treating me properly before this final deadline is passed, you no longer have that option.
It looks like you won't be talking to me in the very near future. I guess I shouldn't really have any hope left that this will ever work. I still really wish it would, but I feel like it's stupid to be really positive about it at this point. I'll continue working on coding this source, so I have something much better to release for free to the public to traumatise you when you see what insanely promising prospects for success I threw away without hesitation because you never want to have a proper relationship with me.
You probably think you'll suffer for a while longer while I'm still putting in my last bit of effort to know I did my best despite even seeing pretty much no reason to be hopeful, and then you'll be fine when I'm gone, perhaps after a little more therapy. But you don't even realize how fucked up you're gonna be knowing I was so insanely smart and clearly different from everyone else in this insanely terrifyingly deeply powerful way, that I casually threw away all my constructive future prospects without hesitation because you ultimately rejected me, and that I suddenly just disappeared saying I'll be meditating in isolation to come back after 2-3 years and take the most deeply satisfying retribution on you that I could ever have.
Chloe probably didn't even fathom that so many years later, after I hadn't spoken a word to her and she probably never even thought of me, I was still extremely turned on by her and jerking off to her and cumming staring at her butt multiple times every single day. Now, even if she ever had feelings for me, she knows she was way too much of a distant bitch for her ego to ever allow her to be honest about it to me, and she's just scared for her life knowing how horny I am for her and how much I resent the fact that she was such a distant bitch and years have passed so I'll never be able to trust her even if she begs to hop on my dick and ride the shit out of it for the rest of my life.
Chloe mostly was just an extremely cruel bitch and tease with how she led me on in one interaction, posted a picture of her butt on Facebook shortly after, bent over in my face IRL once shortly after that, and dyed her hair pink and purple some time after while knowing I'd like it despite having told me when I told her so that she thought it was weird and would never want to dye her hair those colors, yet how sexy I found her body caused me to be extremely obsessed with her for so many years.
You deeply fucked with me for years and teased me in every fucking way multiple times with your butt, breasts, voice, lips, and even an extremely intense emotional connection...
If I didn't even come close to forgetting Chloe so far, I sure as hell won't EVER forget you. Even if I don't say a word to you for years, know that I'll never forget you. I'll be thinking of you every single day. I'll be jerking off to your perfectly voluptuous flawless goddess body and cumming multiple times daily for you in the time I'm not meditating using quantum energy harvesting techniques or quickly wolfing down a meal so I don't starve to death in between extremely long meditation sessions.
Life has fucked with me so fucking much, and I've fucking had it. If I can't have you, I'm just SO completely fucking done being a good person. SO FUCKING COMPLETETLY DONE. At this point, I feel like I should be practically LOOKING FOR AN EXCUSE to fucking meditate in isolation. If you won't start being EXTREMELY good to me before this final deadline passes, that's not even an excuse, that's just one hell of the best reason I could ever have.
I know that coming off eager to give up (because I certainly know I'm not eager to at all if I'm being completely honest) starts making my position of truly wanting you so badly come off insincere, which would lead to a form of closure in itself, so not only does it feel wrong in my soul to do that, but I simply cannot actually give up a moment too soon if I want to achieve everything I'm trying to achieve with this. It hurts a lot not to be getting proper communication and treatment from you right now, but I know I have to be understanding that you have reason to question my sincerity, that you obviously need time to think about things more and get more help from therapy to heal from whatever fucked up mental shit that you're probably being overwhelmed by right now, and that you're a procrastinator in general and tend to leave things last minute even if you do intend to do them.
As such, even if I find little reason to remain hopeful and therefore find no reason to restrain myself in being brutally harsh whenever I feel it's appropriate, I want you to know that even if you contact me very close towards the deadline, I'm ultimately going to have to go with my heart and the feel of the moment, and if I can feel intense affection in your communication with me, I don't seem to see any real bitterness or resent about things, you're very intimate and affectionate and make me feel really good about the interaction by the end, and it comes off sincere, I'm still going to be really happy that you're deciding not to head down a really dark path, and I'll welcome trying to have a healthy relationship with you in my life with open arms and an open heart.
Know that I haven't worked so fucking hard to have a relationship with you, only for you to end up in a relationship with me that you obviously want, need, and benefit from GREATLY, only to treat me like shit and be really ungrateful for the literal blessing that being with me would be in your life. If you're not THRILLED AND EAGER to hop on my dick and milk the shit out of it and keep going even after my balls are empty until I'm thoroughly satisfied, then I don't need such an unsatisfying relationship with someone that's already given me so much difficulty and undoubtedly is still going to be difficult to deal with at times even if she's communicating with me properly and has extremely clear incentive not to be a completely psychotic cruel bitch constantly.
While I know I can't really aggressively pressure you to start treating me properly immediately, because it makes the final deadline I've set seem insincere, I really also cannot seem overly tolerating of the fact that there's currently ultimately a complete lack of any expectation at all set on your end that I should actually expect to get what I'm after.
While I can look at the situation and hope that you're acting this way because you're insecure and uncertain if I really want you, or perhaps you're worried about my sincerity in the warmth I truly want to treat you with and see this distance as a test of that, I also want to make it crystal clear how DEEPLY disturbing it is to me that there's also the possibility that you're acting this way because you have no intention to ever treat me how I'm looking to be treated by you, and you see simply being generally gentle and basically "sucking it up" every time I make you angry as something that, in combination with not setting any expectation for me that I will get what I want, would provide you with closure, as you'll rationalize to yourself that if I really wanted you so badly, I wouldn't have seemed to feel okay with the distance you were giving me and the complete lack of any real expectation to get what I'm after.
I want to make it EXTREMELY clear that simply this possibility, which especially when considering the circumstances many would probably argue is the likely reasoning for the way you're currently acting, leaves me very frustrated and DEEPLY disturbed. In knowing that I've made this SO clear to you, and WELL before this final deadline, you now no longer have ANY way to see my lack of intense aggression towards you to communicate with me directly immediately as something that in ANY way facilitates you getting closure in the future.
Also, I see you doing this bullshit these days with trying to lowkey guilt-trip me and practically drown yourself in self-pity with expressing that you feel undeserving of the love you get and that people are too nice to you and shit. It's WELL beyond the typical attitude of occasionally trying to remain humble that many content creators express sometimes when they get a lot of support; you were NEVER like this before. Look, if you want to put yourself down excessively, I can't force you to stop, but just know that I get ABSOLUTELY ZERO satisfaction when I see you doing that, and it's NEVER going to change my position AT ALL no matter how much you try to express feeling guilty and undeserving of the love you get.
If you're such an unapologetically heartless piece of shit psychopath that you led me on for the past 3+ years and want to do what essentially amounts to laughing in my face and telling me to fuck off and hopefully kill myself, then I SURE AS HELL KNOW YOU DON'T ACTUALLY SINCERELY FEEL GUILTY AT ALL, AND THIS IS ALL JUST A REALLY STUPID, EXTREMELY TRANSPARENT, FAKE AS FUCK, SOCIOPATHIC ACT OF EXTREME FUCKERY. If you seriously think pretending to feel bad in such an extremely obviously fake way is going to change my mind, and you keep thinking that even after I've told you so extremely clearly that it won't, goddamn are you a fucking extremely mentally challenged monkey that deserves every bit of my wrath you have coming and then some.
Now that I truly believe I've made so much extremely clear to you, I think I should be able to focus more on coding. I REALLY feel like I can't emphasize enough that I'm doing this for our relationship and not because I have even the slightest desire to pursue professional success if our relationship won't work. My heart really hurts a lot every single day you don't talk to me and treat me properly, and that makes coding harder. I feel really upset, and although I can try to come up with reasons to understand you wanting to be distant right now, I really shouldn't be letting this behavior, which ultimately amounts to MASSIVE disrespect, slide so easily.
Although I see reasons, I still feel like this distance you're forcing on me is hard for me to understand, and my worry that you will never treat me properly gets worse every day and I REALLY don't like that AT ALL and I want you to know it's EXTREMELY hurtful to me that you're this hesitant to talk to me. It goes against the whole reason I'm trying so hard if I just blow up on you super hard and give up because of it, which is why I won't do that no matter how much it hurts. I really need to know I have no doubts about what I'm going to do to you and your friends and all your families if I don't get this relationship with you in the end, and being patient and enduring all the pressure and suffering for this period I've committed to giving you at most is what I need to do in order to achieve that.
If you feel nervous I'm trying to use you, how does that randomly get better in the future? If you feel nervous I won't respond or will only give you hate for communicating with me properly, how does that randomly get better in the future? How does sleeping on this and fucking waiting for the deadline to get closer, making it more nerve-wracking every day that I feel more hopeless and bitter towards you, make things any better? I really want to hope there's a good, loving reason behind all this hesitation from you to start treating me better, but it's just so hard. I shouldn't have to try this hard and still be fucking getting nowhere.
You call all your female friends goddesses... They're not. At least not by my definition.
Calling a woman a goddess should be a very special thing, reserved for only the most attractive of women, an extremely rare title that practically nobody can achieve being worthy of being called. You're the first person I ever called a goddess, and the only person I have ever and will ever completely seriously consider and call a goddess. Your beauty is unparalleled and can't ever be even remotely matched, at least as far as I'm concerned. The only other woman I'd even CONSIDER calling a goddess seriously would be Chloe, because it only makes sense that a woman I've jerked off to so frequently for more than 10 years and still regularly jerk off to even now should be considered sexy enough to be deserving of that title.
A goddess is a woman with incomparable sex appeal, a woman you can't imagine going your whole life feeling satisfied not having regular sexual activities with. Your female friend being really pretty in your eyes doesn't make them a goddess. If you have 50 female friends you all think are gorgeous and you're just calling them all goddesses, it really drastically loses its significance; you're degrading it's worth to the point of practically meaning nothing more than "you're really hot", and expressing it in a way most would probably find cringy and mildly discomforting.
When I call you a goddess, it means A HELL OF A LOT MORE than "you're really hot". It's more like "I don't want to live not having my cock milked by you in multiple different ways every single day of my life, because you're so flawlessly gorgeous and perfectly voluptuous and extremely intensely arousing to me that I'm certain your beauty and sex appeal is unparalleled and incomparable to anyone else ever and I'll never stop feeling this way about you".
I believe I've done the best I can as far as trying to communicate with you with words at this point, so I'm just going to force myself to keep coding, even if you continue to resist proper communication with me, no matter how painful it may be to code while not getting proper communication from you. I need to make sure I'm prepared to traumatize you as much as possible before going into isolation to meditate in a worst case scenario where you absolutely refuse to treat me properly to the very end. Don't think you can wear me down from fucking you up to the max if you won't treat me right. I told you, I'm a Permanent Chief of the Shadow Confederation with a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension.
I will make sure you deeply regret it if you don't treat me right.
Understand things REALLY FUCKING GOOD. I'm not fucking giving you these source updates desperately fucking hoping you'll take advantage of my openness, steal my shit, commercialize it and give it exposure as your own shit, and then maybe just give me a cut of the profits somehow as a shareholder or some shit. I DON'T GIVE A FLYING FUCK ABOUT MONEY IF I CAN'T BE WITH YOU! I WILL REFUSE TO ACCEPT ANY REWARDS WHATSOEVER FOR ALL MY WORK IF THOSE REWARDS DON'T INVOLVE GETTING TO DATE, MARRY, AND SPEND MY LIFE WITH YOU! DON'T THINK I'M FUCKING DOING THIS AS SOME PATHETIC DESPERATION FEELING HELPLESS TO GET EXPOSURE ON MY OWN AND JUST DESPERATELY BEING WILLING TO EVEN LET YOU TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME JUST SO I CAN MAKE SOME MONEY.
I'M THE FUCKING RULER OF THE FUCKING PLANET AND MONEY ISN'T GOING TO BE A CONCERN FOR ME IF I END UP IN ISOLATION AND COME OUT WITH SUCH GREAT POWERS I CAN WALK INTO ANY BANK I WANT AND ROB THEM OF EVERY PENNY IN THEIR VAULT AND WALK OUT PRACTICALLY EFFORTLESSLY. Do you think I'm fucking retarded to be trying to make a business deal with someone who's extremely clearly shamelessly fucked me over extremely hard in the past? FUCK NO! Do you think I'd want to let you step all over me like this out of some extremely fucking retarded guilt I should never have when YOU were the one that's been abusing me this whole time? FUCK NO! I'M NOT FUCKING PATHETIC AND I'M NOT A FUCKING MORON. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT MONEY, I WANT YOU ON MY DICK, AND I'LL BECOME FUCKING RAW SATAN IN THE FLESH IF YOU WON'T HOP ON MY DICK WILLINGLY! GOT IT?!
READ MY EXACT FUCKING WORDS. THIS IS NOT TO BE TAKEN IN SOME STUPID FUCKING WAY YOU FEEL LIKE TAKING IT, IT'S MEANT TO BE TAKEN EXACTLY AS I'M FUCKING SAYING IT! I WANT YOU FOREVER OR YOU'RE SO FUCKED NOTHING AND NOBODY COULD EVEN HOPE TO HELP YOU!
I don't give a FLYING FUCK if this makes you want to "expose" things. DO IT PUSSY! FUCK YOU! I swear on God, on my life, on anything and everything you fucking believe in, that I'm NEVER changing my position NO MATTER WHAT. I ABSOLUTELY UNWAVERINGLY DEMAND A LIFELONG ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP AND MARRIAGE WITH YOU AND I WILL NEVER SETTLE FOR BEING EVEN REMOTELY CONSTRUCTIVE IN THIS WORLD OTHERWISE! Even if you "expose" shit thinking that I just wanted my name cleared or closure or whatever the fuck, you're just going to be in for an EXTREMELY RUDE AWAKENING when you see that I'm still COMPLETELY unwaveringly maintaining my position that you'd better fucking start dating me before this final deadline passes, or I'm throwing all my positive life prospects away WITHOUT THE SLIGHTEST BIT OF HESITATION in favor of pursuing the darkest of darkness in my soul. Don't fucking believe it? TRY ME BITCH! I DARE YOU!
Think about your life choices REAL FUCKING GOOD, or YOU'RE SO FUCKING FUCKED YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO COUNT THE AMOUNT OF NEW ASSHOLES I'M GOING TO TEAR YOU ON THAT PERFECTLY VOLUPTUOUS GODDESS BUTT OF YOURS, AND YOU'D BETTER FUCKING BELIEVE IT. I really have absolutely no doubt in my mind that you're the absolute sexiest goddess that could ever exist. BUT YOU SHOULD UNDERSTAND HOW FUCKING LIVID THAT WOULD MAKE ME TO BE DENIED OF YOU INSTEAD OF JUST THINKING I'M TRYING TO FLATTER YOU!
I understand that in order to prove I'm being genuine about my feelings towards you, I need to balance pressuring you intensely enough to show you I'm serious and that you need to treat me better, with not being too harsh which would cause you to feel like I'm just being hateful and trying to hurt you. I'm under a lot of pressure here, and this is my best attempt to achieve that.
Don't procrastinate on dealing with your feelings. Don't take my kindness for weakness or insecurity of any kind. As precious as you are to me, that's actually more reason I'd be deeply upset and disturbed if I fail to get a proper relationship with you, so don't find blind comfort in it.
I've already told you my intention with this deadline isn't to push you away or make you feel forced to do so to me, but that being said, you need to understand clearly that I'm not putting a deadline as some flimsy bullshit simply to show our connection matters to me. The point of this deadline is that my drive and willpower to remain positive and constructive in life after everything I've been through is entirely fueled by the prospect I have that I can make a relationship with you work. With the state of our connection as things currently are and how distant you ultimately are with this complete lack of direct communication, if I don't start getting treated better soon, I'm going to lose whatever little hope I have left that I've barely managed to hold on to, and when all I'd see left if you're not treating me better before this final deadline passes is that it seems it should be quite obvious it's impossible that I'd ever actually be able to have a proper relationship with you because you're simply an irredeemable, unforgivable, heartless psychopath, I'd completely lose all my drive to be positive and constructive in life ever again, and I'm just going to give up on everything and release my source for free and decide you must actually be a massive piece of shit that wants me to give up because you somehow are so messed up you did everything you did to me and hate me in the end despite how loving I've been to you. In that case, I'll be after a retribution that extends far past anything my words or actions over the internet could ever do to you. I'd be forced into darkness and eventually forcefully having my way with you, since I want you that badly and it'd become apparent that you want to make it crystal clear to me that I'll never have you consensually.
If you realizing you ended up needing to start therapy after I left last time, me going in and out of jail and a mental hospital with the doctors telling me they don't believe I'm delusional and they're honored to meet me and wish me good luck in succeeding at my goal of getting to spend my life with you, me revising my book to show deep affection towards you, putting an insane amount of effort to continue to constantly communicate with you and form a huge final statement that I share in public showing intense affection towards you, showing you my intense future prospects with my coding and game development skills, showing you my insane drive and commitment to loving you and having a healthy relationship with you, and giving you a very fair amount of time to get your shit together and start treating me properly, is all not enough to make you shape up... I'll be THOROUGHLY convinced that ABSOLUTELY NOTHING will EVER be sufficient to make you truly treat me properly, and that you're truly just a through-and-through irredeemable psychopath that deserves the most brutal retribution I have to dish out.
I don't think I can put into words how much it frustrates me the thought that my kindness is being seen as willingness to move on. Think about things this way. If you won't start treating me properly before it's too late, how will you feel after I upload my entire project onto GitHub, link it on my website and Twitter and release it open source for free, completely abandon all my constructive future prospects extremely clearly in front of your face, link my final closing statement with the evidence clips that I've already shown your friends, fully solidifying to you and everyone else that I was never after closure or moving on and I never will be, and then disappear right after sending you an extremely angry message telling you that you're extremely fucking stupid and the biggest piece of shit in the world for doubting that I will follow through, and I hope you look forward to experiencing the extremely dark things I've threatened to do to you?
Try to imagine it if you're going to keep being such a fucking bitch for the rest of your life, because if you're going to act like a massive psychopath bitch to an irredeemable extent, you should expect to be treated like the irredeemable psychopath bitch you would've made it crystal clear you are. How will you feel knowing how fucked you are and that it should've been EXTREMELY clear to you that you should not have pushed your limits and made such a terrible life choice? At that point, I will feel NO mercy, as you will have shown me that's what you want and deserve, and that everything I've thought about you this whole time about you having a heart and being a good person deep inside was wrong and I should never trust anyone ever again and isolation and becoming an extremely cruel dictator of this world is the only thing that will ever make sense to me ever again. Don't forget that.
Don't forget who you're dealing with. I'm at my fucking limit, Kimi. Don't fucking forget that as much of a soft spot as I have for you, I haven't forgotten everything I've been through and how insanely brutal and cruel you'd have to be to put me through that and feel okay not being with me properly in the end. Don't forget I'm trying so hard so I know that whatever direction I must pursue next, whether it's a good one with you as my girlfriend and eventually wife, or a bad one with following through on all the extremely dark things I've threatened to do, that I'm pursuing it with absolutely no doubt or second-guessing at any point, and only the most concentrated focus. Do you see how much focus I'm pursuing you right now with? Yeah, anyone that knows about quantum energy arts and actually knows it's real... Knowing that kind of focus will go into ruling the planet out of extreme sadness and anger for being wronged as deeply as I would've been at that point, using that knowledge... They will be mortified.
You know I can fuck up your prospects you'd have for relationships very easily with how much ammunition you've given me. I could choose to make your friendships more difficult for you as well if I wanted. I could just disappear at any time and you'd start losing your fucking mind a million times harder than before and most likely end up committing suicide out of deep regret. You're going to be so fucked up if you don't end up dating and marrying me and treating me properly in a very healthy and loving relationship, yet you're STILL treating me like this? Even after knowing how much I love you and how committed I am to you and how badly you need me in your life forever, you're still fucking refusing to even talk to me directly? What the fuck are you waiting for? TALK TO ME ALREADY! WHAT THE FUCK! STOP BEING SUCH A FUCKING BITCH!
Sigh... I'm raging, but it's not because I hate you, it's because I'm really worried you're just fucking with me and sad that I might never get to be with you :(
I told you, I'm not putting in all this effort just to end up giving closure and/or moving on, and I'm EXTREMELY NOT OKAY with you acting like a gold digger and thinking you can pressure me into being treated so coldly by you and pursue wealth before expecting you to treat me better. Your current behavior really worries me that you think that one of these things is the direction you can take this in. It's not.
I know the way you're acting right now doesn't necessarily mean that's what you're thinking or what you're trying to do, but I want you to know how much it disturbs me that even the possibility exists that it's something really dark and/or stupid. I care about you insanely a lot, but I'm not trying to care about you at the expense of my sense of self-respect. It doesn't matter how good of a person I am by nature, EVERYONE has a limit, and I am no exception to that. Being denied of a proper relationship with you by this final deadline exceeds my limit for fuckery I can tolerate in this world, and I will make sure you and everyone else feels my wrath if that limit is breached.
Remember what I'm fucking telling you when you sit there on your perfect goddess butt thinking of whether or not you should finally talk to me again. It hurts A LOT that I've been trying SO INSANELY HARD to communicate with you and clearly putting A LOT of effort into making this relationship work, and I'm still not able to really stop worrying that I'll be denied of you in the end. This isn't fucking fun, honey.
If you don't start directly talking to me before this final deadline passes, I really don't think there's ANYTHING you can do that should give me sufficient hope to keep going any amount of time further without direct communication. I absolutely unwaveringly refuse to do ANYTHING that might give you the impression I'm actually AT ALL okay with moving on from you UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. I will NOT allow ANY possibility of you trying to push me to move on and then think you're doing me a favor leading me on giving me false hope and then thinking you can take it away later once you think I'm in a better position and should be fine without you. I WILL NEVER BE FINE WITHOUT YOU, AND I WILL MAKE WHATEVER SACRIFICES I NEED TO MAKE AND ENDURE WHATEVER PRESSURE I NEED TO ENDURE IN ORDER TO MAKE THAT PAINFULLY CLEAR TO YOU.
I'm seeing a pattern of you feeling really insecure and undeserving of good things in your life. If it's because you're starting to realize that you really do love me deep in your heart and you just feel insanely guilty about what you did to me and you know you want me but your guilt is making you constantly doubt your worth and capabilities to be with me, then I want you to know that the voice in your head telling you negative things is lying to you and you are worth it and you definitely can have an extremely healthy relationship with me if only you actually start treating me properly before it's too late. If it's because you truly hate me and never want to be with me and you know you're a massive piece of shit for what you did to me and you think you're getting any pity from me, you're a fucking moron and you can forget about it; I'll always be certain you deserve every single bit of the extremely dark shit I'm gonna do to you in that case.
I want to be with you, but regardless of whether I'll get you in the end or not, I'll know I did my absolute best, and I'll know that I'll be extremely happy if I get you and extremely ready to follow through on being extremely brutal and ruthless with you as you deserve if I don't. Either way, because I've been a good person in my nature the whole time I've dealt with the relationship to reach this point, and I'm seeing it through to it's result as such before coming to a final decision on how to look at you, I'll end up at peace with whatever I'll do to you after, and you'll be really happy if you're with me and start losing your mind and becoming suicidal if you're not.
You probably wonder how I feel so fine saying all these things and still trying to get a relationship with you and not feeling afraid you'd agree to date me just to get to kill me. Simple. If I happen to randomly die while I'm dating you or married to you, Shadow Confederation members have already told me it will be assumed you either did it yourself or orchestrated it somehow, meaning they will kill you at the least, if not also any number of your friends and family members, in retaliation. So you have plenty of incentive not to kill me, and therefore not to even seriously consider dating me if you plan to do so to kill me at any point in the future. I suppose I haven't mentioned this before, so if knowing this happens to change your mind on choosing to show affection towards me, well, feel free at any time to commit to dooming yourself to the dark fate that awaits you if you won't treat me right.
Instead of judging me and hating me for the dark things I've told you, you should love me to death for being so loving, caring, understanding, and patient with you that I'm forcing myself to go through having to verbalize so much dark shit that I'd really rather not have to say, desperately clinging on to whatever tiny bit of hope I have left that I can get through to you and convince you that you need to start being a much better person, instead of just giving up on you and thinking these things in silence, intensely hating and resenting you for being such a distant bitch, and working towards following through on my thoughts. I suppose that might be too much to expect of your careless monkey brain, but at least I'll know I tried my very best; it's not up to me whether you decide to start actually using your brain properly or not.
If you want to be EXTREMELY unappreciative of this EXTREMELY valuable opportunity to change and become a much better person than you've been in the past and this position that I'm so insanely inhumanly tender and loving towards you as to treat you with, and you want to start pushing me away seriously and showing me I truly should lose what tiny hope I have left that you'll start dating me and treating me with the intense love and respect I deserve from you before it's too late, well, I just have one thing to say to you.
I'VE PAID MY DUES.
If this final deadline passes and you're not treating me how I'm looking to be treated, I'm not going to just go into the forest right after releasing my source and posting on Reddit to share it. I'm going to stick around for a while longer, possibly up to 2 or 3 months, which will serve 2 main purposes for me.
Firstly, it serves to give me a stress-free period of time where I can truly internalize and prepare for going into the forest and being isolated from society for the next 2-3 years, allowing me to clear my mental and make sure I've considered and prepared for every little possible thing I could need and worry about in the forest for an extended period of time in isolation. I'm not really focused on that at all during this time, because I'm still heavily focused on trying to make my relationship with you work and leave you feeling deeply traumatized and without closure if you won't treat me properly before the final deadline is reached.
Secondly, it gives me time to see your reaction and how you're feeling and holding up after a couple months when I've completely stopped communicating with you and left you just feeling extremely fucked up and scared for your life without any closure and seeing that I've truly followed through and thrown away all my constructive future prospects since you won't treat me right. Not because I'd have any intention to ever try to make you feel better or set any new deadlines or try in any way to ever make things work, but because I'd want to see you suffering.
If you have mental breakdowns, which I see an extremely good possibility for given your track record of having mental breakdowns within less than 2 months every time I actually just disappear from your life, then I can laugh my fucking ass off.
Maybe I'll even send you an even more hateful message telling you that you're so fucking fucked and I'm laughing my fucking ass off that you were such a fucking stupid insane psychopath irredeemable piece of shit clown monkey that you couldn't see this happening, and now you've broken my trust irrepairably, ruined my future prospects for a constructive and good life with you where we could've ran an extremely successful game company together and had really hot sex every day and become immortal and extremely powerful using quantum energy arts and rule the world together, and now I just can't wait to laugh as I follow through on all the extremely dark shit that I've threatened to do.
Also, I'd purchase Twitch chat spambot services (you can literally Google for it and there are sites that will let you pay to use their bots that have lists of accounts and proxies), and spam a ton of channels for probably ~10 seconds at a time with the message "STREAMER ANGELSKIMI IS A MASSIVE PREDATOR AND CAUSED COVID-19 BY MASSIVELY LEADING ON AND WRONGING A PERMANENT CHIEF OF THE SHADOW CONFEDERATION. MUCH WORSE IS COMING IN THE FUTURE. GOOGLE "REFINED PURE BIDIRECTIONAL APPREHENSION" TO LEARN MORE." in a lot of popular channels, every time you go live, and possibly even when you're not live.
I told you, if you're planning to ultimately reject me, things are only going to get worse and worse, and I'm only going to end up making it painfully clear to you that you should expect to be left deeply traumatized and fucked up for the rest of your drastically shortened life in that case.
I'm not going to tell you what to do or try to give you any advice. However, I will say that this lack of you setting any expectations for me that I'll get what I'm after with you starting to date me before this final deadline passes is deeply disturbing to me, and no amount of uwus, ASMR, wearing lip gloss, or even views of your perfect butt, as perfect as you know I find it to be, is going to make it any better.
Remember that I have a practically infinite archive of women of many different shapes and sizes wearing all kinds of different latex clothing and doing all kinds of different things in it available on the internet, but I still choose to jerk off to pretty much exclusively you (with some Chloe here and there) whenever I do jerk off, even though I don't have any pictures of you (or Chloe) wearing latex or anything even close to it. Latex clothing makes an already extremely attractive woman more arousing, but if you're not literally Chloe, an 8 or 9 out of 10 in latex is still just an 8 or 9.
You know what, fuck it, I'll just break down my scale for you. Highest to lowest.
Reading this probably makes some want to vomit with how biased I am towards Asians in general and even more so Koreans. Well, have fun throwing up. This scale probably even mindfucks dudes, most of which would probably read it and just be like "wtf bro ur standards are actually batshit insane". Well, yes, maybe to you they are, but to the ruler of the planet, they are simply quite appropriate. My sexual tastes are extremely refined, just like my mindset. You didn't really think I'm this insanely intelligent but have the sexual standards of a monkey, did you?
I'll even take it a step further and tell you how I rate some of your friends.
Additionally, since I've noticed Celine trying to lowkey express interest and affection towards me, you already know I've rejected her extremely hard, but I'm going to take the opportunity to publicly share the kind of dialogue I had with her over it, and show that I'm fully committed to completely rejecting her, even if she tries going any further with this bullshit.
Celine, I saw your recent tweets. Stop. Just stop. Seriously. No. This isn't just about being a good person. I don't want to be a good person if it comes at the cost of my happiness and sense of satisfaction. A relationship with you would not make me happy and would not satisfy me. I'm certain of this and it'll never change. I'm just not attracted to you. I don't give a flying fuck about fame and money. I'm not sharing my feelings and experiences for fucking traction. I want to spend my life with a goddess, a woman I find it deeply satisfying to be around all the time and always want to have sex with. I want a woman I find so sexy that I could just whip my dick out and start jerking off to her right in front of her while she watches if I feel like it, and still feel so good despite not getting touched by her or rubbing up against her, because even just looking at her and knowing she's enjoying watching me pleasure myself intensely to how arousing her body is to me can bring me deep satisfaction because of everything I've went through with her. You have never and will never make me feel that way. Don't talk to me about empathy. I don't care if you feel things for me; you'll get over it. I'll never get over Kimi, and I know you don't want to be trying to hop on my dick while I'm not even turned on by you and I'm only ever thinking about Kimi and jerking off to her for hours every day. Besides, the limited and extremely intense interaction I've had with you thus far is an EXTREMELY fucked up foundation for a relationship. I am NOT trying to even CONSIDER being with a woman that not only do I find drastically inferior to Kimi in appeal, but who I also feel would feel forced to want to be with me when she really would rather not, just to "save" Kimi from being with me. I am NOT trying to be with a woman who I've established a foundation of my connection with her as one where I'm threatening to do really dark things to her if Kimi won't treat me properly. If Kimi starts treating me how I'm looking to be treated by her before it's too late, I could be friends with you. I know you could understand that I was in a difficult spot and had to express myself honestly and openly and pressure you how I'm pressuring you in order to do my best to achieve my goal of getting to spend my life with Kimi. But dating you? No way in hell. And I'm not even salty about it at all either. Your face looks like a really generic hot Korean girl face. Kimi's face is very unique and exceptionally gorgeous and breathtakingly perfect to the point I literally can't imagine wanting to change a single thing about it ever and didn't even realize it was exactly what I was always looking for until I saw it. My woman's face is extremely important to me, because I'm going to be looking at it A LOT, probably more than her butt or breasts on most days. I want to know this person is someone extremely unique and special to me even at the slightest glance, with a face I never want to take my eyes off of, not them having such a generic hot face that you could line them up with a bunch of K-Pop stars and I wouldn't be able to tell who doesn't belong. Your voice has this deep quality to it that I hear a lot of generic hot Korean girls have. Kimi's voice has this higher quality to it that I find extremely arousing and soothing and is probably the reason why even her whispering turns me on so much when normally I've never found a woman whispering hot. I could listen to Kimi ramble on for hours and hours and I'd love it so much and just want to keep listening because her voice is so pleasant to me. Since communication is very important to me, my partner having a voice I really like is really important to me. Plus, I've heard her moan, and even though I know that's not even how hot it'd sound if she was actually being pleasured, I already know her moans are the hottest moans I'll ever hear in my life. Your butt isn't nearly as thicc and juicy as Kimi's. A really perfectly voluptuous butt on my woman is extremely important to me, and your butt is just an average hot Korean girl butt. Kimi has an EXTREMELY rare butt for a Korean girl. It's so big that it's OBVIOUS it's WAY bigger than yours and even the butts of really hot K-Pop idol girls; I've found even those girls don't tend to have very big butts at all. At the same time that it's so big, it's not gigantic as to be to the point where it's just too much and looks fake and is just off-putting like Kim Kardashian or Nicki Minaj's butts. The shape and size of Kimi's butt... I truly could not possibly fathom a more perfect butt. The fact that I already felt extremely attracted to Kimi just from her face and voice alone before I ever even saw her butt... it just makes her butt being so perfect that much more insanely arousing to me. I feel like Kimi's breasts are bigger than yours, but they might be the same size, idk. Even if I'm wrong and somehow yours are bigger, I still think Kimi's breasts are the perfect size and shape. I'll admit, for this one, I don't have much to say, since you both have really nice breasts. Besides, I've always been a lot more into butts, so I'm not exactly a breast connoisseur. On top of all these physical qualities, Kimi's personality is WAY more attractive to me than yours as well. You come off like you'd want to do a lot of talking and perhaps even be intellectually challenged before building arousal and feeling warm enough that you'd want to engage in sexual intimacy, and even then, you'd feel weird about how much I like assjobs and latex leggings on my woman. That's SUPER fucking boring and annoying to me. Kimi comes off like the type who would happily randomly just put on a pair of tight, black, shiny latex leggings when we're home alone together, sensually walk up to me, gently turn my head to face her if I'm not already, bend all the way over right in front of my face, and tell me to enjoy the view and not to feel shy about what she knows it makes me want to do. She'd happily watch me whip my dick out and start stroking it while I stare at her perfect butt in my face as it shines in the super sexy latex leggings, smiling and telling me she loves me so much. When she sees I'm rock hard, she'd gently press up against me and start rubbing up on me and tenderly sensually moaning and asking me if it feels really good. She'd be happy to rub up against me until I cum several times. She'd know I'm loving every moment and she'd feel amazing doing it. Look, I don't want to come off like an asshole and as if I'm saying this to make you feel like you need to try and become something I want. I don't want you to read this and take it that way. While I think you're only like an 8 or a 9 out of 10 at best and don't find any real special appeal in you, I'm sure there are people out there who think you're a solid 11/10 and think everything about you is super hot. I'm just not one of those people, and I never will be. I can appreciate your openness to trying to make the situation better, but trying to tolerate attraction towards me isn't how you should be going about it. Kimi treating me properly is the only thing that will truly make things better.
Then she felt the need to go and post a voice clip on her Twitter comparing her speech when she talks in English vs when she talks in Korean.
Celine, I saw that tweet you made about you speaking in English vs Korean. It doesn't change anything about how I feel about you. First of all, it sounds like you were trying harder than you normally would, to sound cuter speaking Korean; I know you'd sound like that usually more so if you're trying to be flirty with a guy or something, not sounding like that in casual conversation all the time. Second of all, I know very little Korean, so I would want to speak with my partner in english more; someone sounding cute in a language that I hardly understand, even if I'd really like to learn it, isn't all that appealing. Third of all, even when you try to sound cute, sure it sounds cute, but a lot of girls can do that; even when you're doing that, your voice doesn't have the quality I'm talking about in Kimi's voice. When I talk about Kimi's voice having a higher quality to it, I'm not talking about when she TRIES to sound cute, I'm talking about natural conversation, all the time, in all languages, even when she's using a tone not intentionally sweet or gentle or flirty. What you did there makes it seem like you're trying to play on the fact that you're Korean and not "white-washed" like Kimi, but I find that really stupid when I even specifically remember that I heard Kimi say once that you hate it when guys say they specifically like Korean girls. I know you're forcing yourself to show me affection and it's not really what you want to do. It's your life, so I'm not going to tell you to stop being cute or whatever if you want to be, but I'm telling you now, I'm just going to reject and eventually flat-out ignore any and all such things from you without hesitation or second-guessing. I don't want you and I never will. I mean it. I want Kimi and only Kimi, and that has been and always will be my final decision.
Then she kept trying, so I decided I had to shoot her down much harder than ever before.
Well, I see Celine now trying to smoothly transition into saying she is "noticing she really likes the way light reflecting off the surface of water looks like". Of course, if she really likes that, then she'd really like the way latex clothing looks, since it shines like that. I think it's safe to assume this is yet another attempt to appeal to what I've mentioned I really like. Celine, no. Not only do I not believe you, but even if what you're saying is true, I don't care. Since there's only so far you can go with trying to convince me I'd enjoy being with you, I suppose I might as well hard reject you now for every single thing you could try appealing to something you now know I really like. What's next? Wearing super shiny lip gloss every stream? I'm not going to notice, because I don't watch your streams and I don't plan to start. Starting to regularly post pictures of yourself on Twitter/Instagram where you have a super shiny layer of lip gloss on? I don't check your Instagram, and I'm not going to start jerking off to you even if you're posting such pictures on Twitter. Perhaps I'd shoot you down once again if I saw such a thing in the near future the first time at most, and after that I'd just ignore it, leaving you with the statement that I have no desire to jerk off to you even if your lips are as shiny as humanly possible. Not only is Kimi's face WAY hotter than yours, but I already also have several pictures of Kimi with shiny lips anyways, so it's not like you'd be competing for my loads using your face with super shiny lips vs Kimi's face with only natural or dull colored lips. Moaning sexually randomly on stream? Once again, I'm not going to notice. I think it would be pretty fucking retarded to even assume you'd randomly post a clip of you sexually moaning on your Twitter, and I certainly hope you don't do that, but even if you did, I'd just shoot you down again and tell you that your moans aren't nearly as hot as Kimi's. Once again, I have multiple recordings of Kimi moaning sexually, so it's not like you're competing with Kimi while I'm not even having such a thing of her. I know why I'm saying what I'm saying. Looking for random excuses to bend over in front of the camera on stream? ONCE AGAIN, I'M NOT GOING TO NOTICE. Even if I somehow randomly came across it, or you for some crazy reason decided to post pictures of your butt on Twitter or something, I'd still shoot you down and just tell you that Kimi's butt is a million times more arousing than yours will ever be and her butt also looks a million times better bent over. Tweeting that you feel insecure about the size of your butt and have been considering butt enlargement surgery? Don't make me laugh. I will shoot you down even if you say something ridiculous like that as well. Why the fuck would I want you with a fake butt that I can't even see yet and wouldn't ever enjoy as much as Kimi's even if I could and it was close in thiccness, when I could demand Kimi with her real butt of such perfection that I'm certain I find to be the most arousing that could ever exist? Wearing literal latex leggings and posting pictures of you in them on Instagram/Twitter? Once again, I won't even notice if it's on Instagram, and even if you post it on Twitter, once again, I'd shoot you down and just say I'd much rather see Kimi in latex leggings because your body isn't NEARLY as arousing to me as hers. Even if you went THIS far, MAYBE I'd jerk off to you once or twice more for the fuck of it if you were really showing off your butt good and it looked really shiny in the latex leggings, but after one or two loads at most, I'd go right back to milking the shit out of my cock to Kimi for hours every day. I've already seen a lot of women's butts in latex before, thanks to the internet, and unless it's a goddess's butt like Kimi, I'm not going to stroke my cock to it for very long.
And I will forever maintain this position.
You're very refined and mature and perfect? I know you meme this shit, but you legit said it so seriously there. Are you trying to say I'm right about you and how you'd treat me sexually? You realize this is a MASSIVE tease if you're just fucking with me, right? I already fantasize about you wearing tight, black, shiny latex leggings and rubbing up against me so often, and now you're leading me to believe you'd really enjoy doing it? How else do you think I'd take this?
Do you even really fucking cry? Or are you just a fucking heartless psychopath piece of shit that gets sick satisfaction from trying to guilt-trip me for treating you how someone as shitty as you deserves, and you just keep getting salty that I'm not the pathetic pushover loser clown that you thought I was?
Or maybe you did cry, but it was because of self-pity that you failed to clown the fuck out of me and get sick satisfaction from humiliating me and leaving me suicidal as fuck, because I'm not the pathetic loser autist monkey you were hoping I was, and now you realize how royally fucked you are for being such a piece of garbage and you don't plan to do the only thing you can do to make it right?
Maybe it's because you now desperately want to make things work... but I really can't fucking bet on that at this point.
After everything you've put me through, only direct communication and starting to date me is going to convince me you have warm feelings towards me and sincere intentions to be good to me. Other than that, no matter how vulnerable you are in public, or even how intimate of things you do that you know will turn me on a lot, I must see as probably fake bullshit meant to try to manipulate me into settling for less than the extremely healthy and loving lifelong marriage with you that I truly want and deserve.
I guess it seems really fucking weird to want to marry you and spend my life with you when I currently have to doubt your thoughts and intentions so much, but it makes sense to me. The whole point is that I understand the situation is complicated, and even more so than just thinking you'll suddenly just "change" on some really fundamental level, it's more like I'm hoping that your preconceived misconceptions about me will break down, and therefore since how you'd start seeing me would change (scary, heartless psychopath asshole vs extremely tender and loving angel that genuinely sees you as an absolute perfect goddess and extremely badly wants to have consensual sexual activities with you for hours every single day for the rest of my life), then how you'd treat me would start to change too.
Unless you don't start treating me properly before this final deadline, at this point, I'm still willing to entertain the possibility that you've just had a wrong perception of me for a long time because of your insecurities and the whole circumstances of our connection, and maybe you have some tendencies to be a bad person, but that doesn't mean you're just an irredeemable piece of shit that's suicidal and would never treat me well even if you can very clearly tell I want and deserve it.
The problem remains, however, that if you won't already start communicating with me directly and dating me, I don't think there's anything you could really do to truly give me any solid hope and set an actual expectation that you'll treat me better before it's too late. If you're going to try to do that, good luck I suppose, but understand that unless I get to start having proper, healthy, direct communication with you where you're explicitly agreeing to date me, before it's too late, NOTHING you do will truly satisfy me or change the resulting outcome of what I'm going to do if I don't get what I'm after.
I know better than to expect anything of you at this point; I've been disappointed too many times. However, if I was to consider it at least hypothetically, I suppose the most you could possibly do that I can think of would be to wear tight, black, shiny latex leggings and show off your perfect goddess butt in them, so I can start jerking off to that every single day. It wouldn't be completely comforting, and it certainly wouldn't change my mind on following through on everything I've said if I still don't get what I'm ultimately after, but if you're looking for a way to soften me up a little and be more convincing that you truly love me and want to make me feel very good every day for the rest of my life, before you follow through on actually communicating with me directly, giving me a view of your perfect goddess butt in the latex leggings I so extremely intensely crave seeing you wearing would definitely help your case. I suppose something like a latex catsuit would work too, if idk you want to have some excuse to do it as a costume thing or something, as long as I get to see your perfect butt in tight, shiny latex, so I can greatly enjoy jerking off to it for hours every single day.
I realize I've been telling you a lot that I jerk off to you every day, to the point where I suppose you may not even be able to tell if I really am, or if I just say it to try to bother you that I'm expressing such intense arousal towards you. I really do jerk off to you for hours every single day and thoroughly enjoy every stroke and every orgasm and ejaculation. I've shared with you privately a few of the pictures of you that I most frequently jerk off to these days. They're aligned sideways because I put them in a slideshow, lie down in bed (like I said, I'm not homeless anymore rn, I got a shadow helping me out until I either go live with you or go into the forest), and stare as I stroke my cock intensely to your perfection while the photos flip through one after another and each picture makes its contribution to either making me that much closer to ejaculation or making my orgasm and ejaculation feel wonderful. As I've said, sometimes I throw in some pictures of Chloe as well, but usually it's just pictures of you.
I really don't like how it may seem like I'm using Chloe to make you jealous or to try to break your heart. As such, I've also shared with you some pictures of Chloe that I jerk off to, on a daily basis as well, but (on most days) not nearly for as long or as many ejaculations as I do to you. They are also rotated to the side, for the same reason the pictures of you are. As I've said before, given that Chloe didn't fuck with me nearly as hard as you did, and only gave me one really good view of her butt, this should make it even more clear to you how obvious it should be that I'll truly never get over you.
As of right now, I have no other option than to clearly recognize and accept that it seems extremely unlikely that I'll get what I'm after, and I should live my life as such, preparing for having to traumatize you as badly as I can before I disappear into the forest to prepare for my extremely brutal retribution. I believe at this point, now that I've really said so much and have even been willing to post it all publicly to do my best to prove my sincerity, there really shouldn't be much else to be spending so much time writing essays on, so I should be able to spend more time working on this source. Even if you were to show off your perfect butt in latex, it still shouldn't end up being an essay, just more like "thank you, it was extremely hot and made my cock very hard, saved many screenshots and will thoroughly enjoy milking my cock to you even harder for hours every day now".
Beyond that, source updates should just outline the changes, which shouldn't be an essay. I'm not trying to give you an opportunity to constantly fuck with me and waste my time every day writing so much that I don't have time or energy to finish the code to effectively traumatize you extremely hard if you won't treat me properly before it's too late. This deadline is never getting extended no matter what after all, so I have to stay on top of my shit.
Even though it really hurts a lot to feel so hopeless and having to code while feeling so miserable and expecting to have to throw it all away just to hurt you to show you how much you hurt me, I will relentlessly ensure I succeed in making something that will absolutely fuck you up badly for me to casually release for free just to spite you for not treating me right. I want you really badly, so I want to show you how much you've hurt me if you won't start having a healthy relationship with me before it's too late really badly too.
At the end of the day, I truly believe that even if you're a really mentally challenged monkey, I've made my feelings and position extremely clear by now. The trouble you're giving me now, I can find understandable, as long as you don't take it too far. I've made my boundaries extremely clear. No proper romantic relationship with you before it's too late = I will traumatise the fuck out of you as much as I can and try to make your life as difficult as possible before I disappear into isolation to prepare for my extremely brutal retribution which I've explained to you in quite considerable detail at this point.
I know very well why you're still playing "You are my sunshine" at the end of your streams. You've already thought about how you're planning to go on stream and start crying and saying you're devastated and heartbroken and extremely hurt and were extremely invested in me and were dying to be with me, if I don't make sure I've done my absolute best to eliminate any possibility you have to act like I'm a bad person and didn't give you a real chance to make things better before giving up. Well, that's perfectly fine with me, because I actually want to spend my life with you and always intended to actually do my best to give you a real chance to treat me a lot better before I decide it's truly time for me to give up all hope and just embrace the darkness. If you think you're going to pull some bullshit on me and deny me in the end and even get to make me look and feel bad on top of that, you're delusional as fuck.
If thinking about the future you're heading towards going the way you are right now truly bothers you as much as you say it does, then you'll do something about it to change the direction you're going in. If you don't, then you're just a fake ass piece of shit irredeemable psychopath bitch. It's really not so complicated. I really don't understand why you're so hesitant to treat me better; is this really all just insecurity? Do you really just have that much trouble believing I actually have intensely warm feelings for you that I wish you'd make me feel more comfortable expressing and that I truly see you as the one and only perfectly voluptuous goddess that could ever exist? Are you still having so much trouble believing that even after I fucking literally broke down my entire rating scale for you?
Are you STILL going to have trouble believing that, even after I've shared with you several of the pictures of you that I jerk off to for hours on a literally daily basis? It'd seem quite hard to believe that's just insecurity.
You be good to me, I'll be good to you. You treat me like garbage, I'll treat you like garbage. You will get what you deserve. Whatever you choose in the end, don't forget that.
I remember one kind of really stupid comment people made in response to my attachment to you, and it goes along the lines of "oh, he's a chief but doesn't have women lining up to be with him?"
The chief doesn't fucking want women lining up for him, ESPECIALLY considering that the kind of women that would are probably trashy as fuck in general, if not simply lining up for the wrong reasons one way or another. Additionally, the chief doesn't have the sexual standards of a fucking monkey. The chief wants to pick a woman he truly desires, and have her no matter what, or else he will make the world feel his wrath and make the woman he picked deeply regret not giving him what he wants. THAT is what a REAL ruler of the planet would do.
THAT is what I'M doing.
Do you ever even fucking think about how fucked up the way you're acting really is? The fact that I have freedom right now instead of being locked up in a mental hospital should've fucking scared you straight into acting properly towards me; have you ever even seriously fucking considered that? If I was showing suicidal ideation AT ALL, I would've been locked up. If I was showing eagerness to be destructive AT ALL, I would've been locked up. If I was showing EVEN JUST GENERAL MENTAL INSTABILITY with the position I'm holding, I would've been locked up. The fact that my mindset, attitude, and behavior is so consistent, rational, intellectually and emotionally aware, and powerful that it terrifies even licensed mental health professionals should leave you TERRIFIED not to start treating me with A LOT of love and respect, yet you're over there fucking crying like a little bitch about feeling like you've already lost me, while doing nothing productive about it, and trying to eat your feelings away, even though you know it's extremely detrimental to your life, your family's lives, your friends' lives, and all their families' lives?
I want to make sure you don't have even the SLIGHTEST bit of hope that you can come up with ANY ideas to try to push me to move on from you if you don't plan to start treating me properly before this final deadline passes. If I don't get what I'm after, I won't allow ANY room for ANYONE OR ANYTHING to even ATTEMPT to convince me to change the course of action and path in life that I would've EXTREMELY firmly decided on at that point. I will turn off DMs on Twitter. I will never use Discord, talk in ANY Twitch chats, use ANY kind of social networking, or engage in ANY kind of social interaction online ANYWHERE. I won't be providing any email or ANY other way to contact me ANYWHERE. Even if you (or anyone else with my email) go out of your way to provide my email to people and push them to provide me with some kind of opportunity to make something positive out of my life instead of just giving up and embracing the darkness, if I get such a message before I disappear into the forest, I'll EXTREMELY harshly and rudely shoot it down and CC my response to you and your friends, and if I get such a message afterwards, naturally, I simply won't even see it or respond in any way.
Maybe NEFFEX is right. People never change. I'll be hated forever. It was futile from the very start to assume I'd ever be able to truly be loved and be able to have a good life instead of ending up having to be an extremely brutal and cruel dictator that just does really dark shit to any woman I truly find extremely arousing for eternity. How unfortunate for the world and all the shitty people (so everyone) in it. I'm telling you once again, if this is the truth, then FUCK YOU, GO AHEAD AND "EXPOSE" ME, BECAUSE THIS WORLD AND ESPECIALLY YOU, YOUR FAMILY, YOUR FRIENDS, AND ALL THEIR FAMILIES, ARE ALL FUCKED EITHER WAY, AND I'M GOING TO TAKE YOU REJECTING ME AS AN EXTREMELY CLEAR ACT OF DEEP HATRED NO MATTER WHEN, IF, OR HOW YOU TALK ABOUT ME IN PUBLIC OR IN PRIVATE ANYWAYS. I'M NOT FUCKING CHANGING MY MIND ON MY POSITION, EVEN IF YOU DESPERATELY BEG FOR FORGIVENESS AND WISH ME THE BEST WITHOUT YOU AS HARD AS YOU POSSIBLY COULD. If this is not the truth, THEN WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU WAITING FOR?! TALK TO ME ALREADY!! DATE ME ALREADY!! WHAT THE FUCK!!
I truly don't care whether or not you get "cancelled" or lose your career or ultimately even start suffering any negative consequences in the nearer future (besides the obvious hit to your sanity), because I'm truly not trying to destroy your career to make one for myself, and ultimately, whether or not you suffer any visible negative consequences in the nearer future from my position and actions, I truly will fully follow through on carrying out all the dark things I've threatened to do to you, your family, your friends, and all their families if I can't have a healthy and proper relationship with you that results in a lifelong marriage.
DO YOU FUCKING HEAR WHAT I'M SAYING?! EXPECT NOTHING LESS THAN EXACTLY WHAT I'VE SWORN ON GOD, MY LIFE, AND ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING YOU BELIEVE IN TO DO, WHICH IS EVERYTHING I'VE SAID HERE!
After telling you all this, now you're suddenly trying to get better at photography? You suddenly have fun putting effort into making yourself look good? You suddenly feel okay acknowledging that you suck, because it's the first step to doing something about it? I feel crazy saying this, and I certainly can't live my life feeling right just assuming it's true, but to me it sounds like you're thrilled I'm so committed to you and you're practicing taking the highest quality nudes for me. And don't tell me you didn't totally expect me to think that.
You definitely seem like the type that would feel like it's unacceptable to simply take your clothes off and snap some sloppy pictures of yourself naked on your phone for me. No, you'd want to get the lighting just right, the angle just right, the distance and ambiance in the background just right, make sure the quality is all the way up and the focus is perfect, make sure your body looks as sexy as possible... If you freak out and obsess over being perfect in your ASMR videos, nudes you plan to send to the love of your life you love to death that you feel extremely guilty for putting through so much suffering for over 3 years and you're sending to attempt to start expressing your extremely intense and undying affection for... Yeah, I can only imagine you want to make sure I'll REALLY enjoy jerking off to those for hours and hours on end.
I've already told you I swear on my life I won't share them with anyone for any reason, and I can GUARANTEE you that I'll milk the shit out of my cock to them, even if they're not some insane high quality super perfect background and lighting masterpiece photos. Your body is so perfect that I jerk off for hours every single day to (sometimes even slightly blurry) fully clothed pictures of you, and you already know that extremely clearly with how I've literally shared with you several of the pictures of you that I jerk off to on a literally daily basis. Any pictures of you naked are going to get A LOT of stroking to them.
I know you used Celine to test my affection and commitment towards you. Obviously, you now see I've passed with flying colors. As long as you start treating me properly before it's too late, I just see it as you did what you felt you needed to do to truly feel able to commit to spending your life with me and loving me wholeheartedly, and I don't hold it against you or judge you at all for it. I know that you need to know that if you're going to pleasure me sexually for hours every day and be around me pretty much all the time and constantly crave my attention and affection even when you're not pleasuring me sexually, that I truly am thoroughly extremely enjoying every moment you're engaging in sexual activities with me, and truly enjoy and find value in the time I spend showering you with attention and affection even when we're not engaging in sexual activities together, no matter how much time goes by where we're in each others' lives; this is ESPECIALLY important since I'm telling you we're gonna end up immortal and being together for millions if not billions of years, which means you REALLY need to know I'm EXTREMELY, practically INHUMANLY aroused by you, truly seeing you as an absolutely perfect goddess of pretty much inhuman beauty and incomparable sex appeal that will never cease to bring me immense sexual pleasure even if you were to make me ejaculate many times every day for millions or even billions of years, and truly also feel such warmth for your personality despite the bad side you're painfully aware of about it, that I'm willing to be as patient and understanding with you as I need to be, no matter how difficult you may be at times. If you don't treat me properly however, then it just goes to show how much of a heartless, irredeemable, unforgivable piece of shit psychopath bitch you really are, and how severely you truly deserve the dark fate you will have secured for yourself with absolute certainty.
I genuinely want to spend my life with you. You don't have to tryhard to take godly nudes before you feel comfortable even speaking a word to me. I know I intend to see this relationship through, and I know you'd do your best to pleasure me very thoroughly once I'd fly over and we'd start living together. You really don't have to feel the need to take nudes for me if it makes you really uncomfortable, as much as I'd like to have them. At the end of the day, actual physical intimacy with you, which has always been my ultimate goal here, will always be infinitely more pleasant than just seeing pictures or videos of you naked.
To be honest, I'd actually PREFER if you sent me pictures and videos of you in tight, black, shiny latex clothing instead; I think it'd be better for both of us. I've always REALLY wanted to see you wearing latex, and it'd EXTREMELY turn me on, and also clearly show me you have intimate feelings for me and convince me you want to see things through if you're communicating with me directly and send it to me privately and don't just wear it on stream. At the same time, you'd get the comfort of knowing you're turning me on A LOT and expressing EXTREMELY intense affection and arousal towards me, without having to feel really uncomfortable and scared with sending me nudes that you'd be worrying I might leak.
I still swear on God, on my life, and on anything and everything that you believe in that I won't leak even pictures of you in latex. I'm thinking about your emotional comfort and showing you I care about you and am understanding towards your worries. If I leaked pictures and video of you in latex clothing that you sent for me personally not to share, then I'd just be breaking your trust and ruining the relationship, and no matter how suggestive and erotic you might act in that latex clothing, your naked body still wouldn't be on the internet for everyone to see. I know latex can be transparent, but you can just wear fully opaque latex, and that'd still be extremely arousing and convincing to me.
What, do you want permission to turn me on and make me cum? I'll gladly announce to the world that I give you complete permission to turn me on as much as you possibly can and milk the shit out of my cock until my balls are completely empty and keep going even after there's no semen left to ejaculate out but still give me orgasm after orgasm. Does that help at all?
Stop being so insecure, okay? You're the most absolutely perfect goddess that could ever exist, and I'd never get tired of you milking the shit out of my cock even after you doing it for hours every single day for millions or even billions of years. I've already even publicly announced that I give you complete permission to turn me on and milk my cock as much as you possibly can, so you have no reason to feel shy, scared, or inadequate. You're everything I've ever dreamed of. I fantasize about you for hours every single day. I stroke all 6 inches of my cock that gets rock hard for you and cums for you multiple times every single day. At this point, you should really know I mean it.
This whole time, I've been trying so hard to communicate before just going really hard with working on this source, because I was trying to give you the opportunity to resolve our conflict in a respectful way. Now that I have EXTREMELY CLEARLY presented to you, with you showing openness and attention to my communication, the absolute most respectful resolution to our conflict, if you don't proceed to promptly start to communicate with me directly, you will be EXTREMELY CLEARLY expressing to me that you don't intend to resolve this conflict through a respectful approach, and you therefore either plan to attempt to resolve it through sheer faith, waiting further, probably leaving starting to communicate with me properly to the last minute, or you don't plan to ever resolve this conflict, and you're choosing to embrace the dark fate you would've ensured for yourself with absolute certainty in that case.
Well, I'm just going to have to follow through on everything if you don't plan to ever resolve this conflict, so there's not really anything further to be said about that; if you think being an extremely delusional mentally challenged autistic monkey that thinks I won't follow through simply because you have some extremely stupid blind faith that I'm a person that's going to be stupidly good even if it comes at the cost of my own will to live, and I'd rather just commit suicide peacefully than try to traumatize the fuck out of you, your friends, and the world before seeking the brutal retribution someone so deeply wronged as me in that case deserves to exact, then you're heading towards a disaster and feeling deeply disturbed for the rest of your at that point drastically shortened life.
If you're planning to rely on sheer faith to make things work in the end by desperately begging for love and forgiveness, then you're obviously wondering how I feel about that. Well, I told you that this was a real opportunity to make things right, and that I'd truly give you until the very last moment it makes any sense, to make things right. Although I'd feel hurt that you don't plan to resolve things through a very respectful route, I know I love you so much and I'm so invested in this relationship that I'm just going to have to hold on to faith myself that you'll start treating me properly before it's too late. With how serious I am about everything, I'm willing not to see any negative judgements of you as fact unless the deadline passes and you still haven't started treating me properly.
However, if you choose to make it completely clear to me that you won't resolve this conflict respectfully, then I will cease to find any purpose in pursuing extensive communication with you and attempting to reach a respectful resolution. I suppose all there really is to be said about that at this point is that I never needed things to be resolved with a really respectful approach, and it's not going to change my convictions in the slightest. I want a healthy, loving, intimate, lifelong romantic relationship and marriage with you more than I'll ever want anything else in my life, and I'm going to do my absolute best to try to get that until the very last moment it makes any sense to do so. Even if you won't take the very respectful approach to resolving our conflict, I'll choose to have faith that you'll still be extremely loving and respectful to me if you do start treating me properly and seeking the only possible healthy resolution of dating me before it's too late, even if you leave it for the last minute.
I suppose that since you've been so disrespectful to me thus far, it only makes sense not to expect you to decide to take the really respectful route to resolve our conflict, if you plan to resolve it at all. No matter; I suppose it's actually even better for me this way. Once you see how hard I tried to be respectful to you and seek a very respectful route of resolving our conflict, despite the EXTREME amount of disrespect you've given and continue to give me, and that instead of giving up when you reject it, I actually turn the dial up to 200% and start plowing through working on source updates and making a product that will deeply traumatize you if I have to release it for no real benefit to myself, in preparation of casually releasing it and effectively throwing away all my constructive future prospects if you won't start treating me properly before it's too late, I think only THEN will you ACTUALLY start to realize how traumatized you're going to end up if you don't start treating me properly before this final deadline, and you'll start to understand how eager you should be to milk the shit out of my cock as much as I want every single day for the rest of your life, for how kind, loving, understanding, patient, and affectionate I have been thus far and will continue to forever be to you if you treat me well, and how royally fucked you are if you don't.
You have until September 1st, 2020 at 12 AM PST. This is the final deadline I will ever give you to start treating me properly.
Unsurprisingly, you didn't choose to take the very respectful route of resolving our conflict. What followed has made me feel the need to make sure I've made it extremely painfully clear to you how extremely delusional you are if you're still hallucinating that I'll ever change my position.
I don't have any time to waste in futility, so now that my efforts at a respectful resolution have clearly failed, I'll keep this short and simple so I can get back to coding and jerking off to you. I'll just take the liberty of quickly teaching you a really important life lesson in the most short but also clear and concise way possible.
There are 3 main areas in life one can choose to work towards improvement in:
Neglecting to work on all 3 of these areas with an evenly distributed balance, effectively refusing to consider them all of equal importance, is ultimately detrimental and will invariably lead to a loss of quality of life of an individual.
That being said, when a person is able to find that perfect balance between all 3 of these areas in their life, they realize how EXTREMELY valuable it is to maintain, and that they NEVER want to go back to living otherwise. That being said, I'm just going to quickly break down how my unwavering pursuit of a life with you, and complete unwillingness to tolerate a life of not being an extremely cruel dictator of the planet that brutally and forcefully has my way with you in the future if I can't start having a consensual sexual relationship with you before it's too late, demonstrates such a balance for me.
After sharing this with you, you decided to make a tweet that went as follows:
"negative feelings are healthy and it’s important to take all the time you need to process them"
If you're talking about yourself, well, yeah, you have until this final deadline, which I'm certain is all the time you'd need to process any negative feelings you feel towards me before reaching out to me to resolve our conflict and start dating me, if you ever plan to resolve this conflict at all and save yourself and the world from an extremely dark fate.
If you're talking about me and think I need advice or am looking for or willing to accept some attempt to stroke some ego I don't even fucking have, I'd like to take this moment to assure you that I don't need advice from you, I'm not looking for it, I'm not willing to accept letting you try to shove it down my throat, and you'll see soon enough how severely I'll prove wrong your extremely delusionally positive hallucinations that I'll randomly change my position despite literally not being able to have any greater reason, both logically and emotionally, never to do so.
After sharing this with you, Celine decided to make a tweet, that went as follows:
"Social media isn’t everything. You’re beautiful. You’re handsome. Drink some water, take some deep breaths. Enjoy the weather, stare out the window. Say hi to your family members. Check up on friends. Your world is what’s around you"
As you already know, this was my response:
HOLY FUCK. OH HOW LIVID THIS FUCKING PRIMITIVE MONKEY INTERPRETATION AND ATTITUDE TOWARDS ME MAKES ME. "Social media isn’t everything." No fucking shit Sherlock. Thanks for that one. I really fucking needed that advice considering I literally never fucking use any social media except checking Kimi's Twitter and more recently sometimes yours and Peter's. Even then, I only do so because it gives me insight into what you monkeys are trying to clown me by believing and trying to shove down my throat next, not because I'm some fucking attention whore validation-craving dopamine addict monkey. Are you really so fucking mentally challenged you think I need to hear this kind of basic ass shit from you? When I said I don't need advice from Kimi, did you think I fucking need advice from you? Sit the fuck down. "You’re beautiful. You’re handsome." Oh wow, real fucking good one. Like I'm going to believe that because some bitch who has already proven crystal clear she's being fake as fuck to me whenever she expresses any affection towards me is saying it. Like it'd even matter even if you actually thought it when the ONE fucking person I will ever actually want to see me as attractive, Kimi, seems not to see me that way. Are you really so fucking mentally challenged that you think I have some fucking ego that you can stroke with saying dumb shit like this that comes off COMPLETELY empty and meaningless to me, ESPECIALLY hearing it from someone I've called out and PROVEN is being fake to me? What, you think it fucking matters to me because you have some fame and look like a K-Pop star? It doesn't. I don't give a flying fuck. Sit the fuck down. "Drink some water, take some deep breaths. Enjoy the weather, stare out the window." Do you realize how fucking INSANELY pretentious this comes off to me?! YOU'RE ACTUALLY COMING OFF LIKE SUCH A FUCKING MENTALLY CHALLENGED PRETENTIOUS AS FUCK MONKEY BITCH RIGHT NOW. Drink some water? Motherfucker, I drink PLENTY of water every fucking day. I've been drinking at least 3-4 litres of water daily, extremely consistently, for at least 5 years now. These days, I know I especially need to stay hydrated when I jerk off to Kimi so much. And no, I'm not fucking being sarcastic or witty, you ignorant twat. Take some deep breaths? I fucking meditate every day, you pretentious fuck. Are you really such a fucking mentally challenged monkey that you don't realize it takes daily meditation and deep breathing just to remain THIS calm in such a fucked up situation where I deserve INSANELY more love and respect and it takes every bit of self-control and inner calm I can muster not to just give up on being a good person already and either order you and your friends to be killed or decide to just release the source without even giving Kimi a real chance to make things better before giving up and just start diving into following through on all the extremely dark things I've said? I don't need to be told to take fucking deep breaths. My fucking dreams I've put years of extremely intense relentless effort in pursuit of are on the verge of shattering into a trillion pieces and forcing me to become a monster I never wanted to have to be, and NO FUCKING AMOUNT OF DEEP BREATHS IS GOING TO FUCKING CALM THAT SHIT DOWN, YOU STUPID FUCKING BITCH. Enjoy the weather, stare out the window? ENJOY THE WEATHER, STARE OUT THE WINDOW?! ARE YOU FUCKING HIGH?! OR JUST THIS FUCKING MENTALLY CHALLENGED?! Not only is Canada weather fucking trash, even if it wasn't, THE FUCKING SUN OUTSIDE ISN'T GOING TO CHANGE THAT MY FUCKING DREAMS I'VE WORKED SO HARD ON FOR YEARS SEEM TO BE ABOUT TO SHATTER INTO A TRILLION PIECES AND I'M GOING TO HAVE TO BECOME A FUCKING MONSTER. SIT THE FUCK DOWN YOU FUCKING PRETENTIOUS AS FUCK CUNT. "Say hi to your family members. Check up on friends." Cool. My entire biological family is trash abusive psychopaths I kicked out of my life long ago and have no desire to ever allow to return into it and continue to inflict the extreme toxicity and fuckery they forced upon me the whole time I was forced to have them in my life, and Kimi is the only person I actually see as family right now, but she won't even fucking say a word to me, so there goes that fucking sentiment. Friends? What friends? Kimi leading me on for over 3 years now already fucking decimated every bit of positive image and reputation I could have, along with any desire I'd have to ever care to build one again without having her in my life, so any real support system is fucking out the window. I'd assume this shit was obvious, but apparently your mentally challenged autistic fake ass monkey bitch brain couldn't comprehend it. Sit the fuck down. "Your world is what’s around you" I have people that can order people to kidnap and kill others around me. I have people that blackmail and extort and steal around me. I have darkness, depression, anger, and misery around me. I'm ultimately trapped in extremely deep perpetual sadness and anger unless Kimi dates me and makes my life a lot better, but you're trying to encourage me to be at peace with her pushing me away? So I should embrace the darkness around me and order to have you and your friends kidnapped and tortured and killed as soon as possible is what you're saying? Yeah, I don't think so. Sit the fuck down. I suppose I could see this as some shit about you trying to comfort yourself or something, and if it is, then I'm not telling you that you have to stop expressing yourself, so don't think that I'm just being an asshole for fun or that I'm frustrated at seeing this out of any interest in you. However, it just made me extremely angry how this seemed like a sentiment that was on Kimi's mind but you were presenting it for her. I had to make sure that it's very clearly understood where I'm at by all of you, so your apparently extremely primitive and slow monkey brains can start feeling the terror it seems you're too numb, blind, and retarded to feel. If you fucking autistic monkeys want to dive into disaster and you'll only understand when it's too late, then so be it.
I find it necessary to mention that you shouldn't take this lack of me violently insisting on you communicating with me already as ANY indication that my position will EVER waver, whether now or in the future. You also shouldn't take this as ANY kind of indication that I will ever accept you being a golddigger (or "nice", as you would probably try to extremely dishonestly rationalize it to yourself and others as) and thinking that it's okay if you just date me for a while, perhaps have some sex with me, maybe even marry me, and then ultimately divorce me (if you marry me) or just leave me after a while without even getting married, thinking that I'll be satisfied just because you were okay facilitating the blooming of my professional career and were okay having sex with me in the process. I don't want to just engage in sexual activities with you and be tender with you in general for a small portion of my life, I want to do it for the rest of my life, until the end of time. I won't be satisfied if our relationship EVER ends, no matter how much sex we've had or how sweet and tender you've been with me in general, and if it does end, at that very moment, I will FULLY embrace the darkness, and start immediately following through on the extremely dark things I've told you I'll do if I can't have you, if you've stayed with me long enough for me to already have my powers developed sufficiently at that point, or immediately decide to throw away any and all professional success I have acquired at that point, even if it's a lot, in favor of retreating into isolation to meditate to become sufficiently powerful to execute those extremely dark things.
I also find it necessary to mention that it doesn't matter how much lowkey (or even highkey) kindness you may express towards me, it will NEVER change my position. You CERTAINLY should not be taking my lack of violently insisting on you communicating with me already as ANY indication that I just need to take a step back and take some deep breaths or some fresh air or some shit and then I'll calm down and feel okay about things. I am not nor was I ever looking for some shallow kindness, and I'm not maintaining my position out of some feeling of general antagonism from you; I'm maintaining it because it's the honest truth of who I am and what I want. Additionally, understand that your current lack of eagerness to be respectful and unambiguously intimate with me cannot at all be a reflection of how you treat me in the future if you do decide to resolve our conflict and reach out to me and start dating me and pursue marrying me. Although I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and I'll choose not to believe you're a golddigger even if you choose to wait until the last minute to reach out to me, I'll still reject you and go into isolation to meditate and follow through on all the extremely dark things I've said I'll do if you won't treat me right, if you're showing ANY lack of eagerness to start communicating honestly and openly with me about your feelings and intentions after you've started communicating with me properly (which I will assume are quite positive towards me if you do end up deciding to reach out to me and resolve this conflict and start dating me) and start living together and engaging in hours of daily sexual activities as soon as possible.
I don't want you to think I already hate you at this point and won't actually respond warmly if you start actually trying to make things better before it's too late. I want to make sure that you can't complain that I was being too scary and you ended up just crying alone in your room and giving up on trying to make things work even though you really wanted to. I told you, if things end up going down a dark route in the end, it's because YOU are a fucking irredeemable piece of trash psychopath bitch, and I will prove that to ANYONE with HALF a fucking brain CRYSTAL FUCKING CLEAR. You cannot and will not EVER succeed in trying to paint me as a monster who was eager to be one and as if you're just a fucking victim. If you won't start treating me properly before it's too late, I'M THE FUCKING VICTIM. I NEVER WANTED THINGS TO END BADLY, AND THEY WON'T UNLESS YOU WANT THEM TO. I LITERALLY CANNOT MAKE THIS ANY MORE FUCKING CLEAR.
I KNOW that you can tell if I'm THIS reluctant to give up and just leave you and become extremely antagonistic towards you, I really must love you and want to stay with you forever. If I'm being this soft to you, you obviously know I still have a huge soft spot for your personality, and with how extremely clear I've made it to you at this point that I literally see your body as the most perfectly voluptuous flawless goddess body that is inhumanly arousing and attractive that nobody could ever even hope to even match in sex appeal much less beat, to the point of telling you countless times about how I spend literally hours every day jerking off to you and even sharing with you some of the pictures of your perfect goddess butt that I milk the shit out of my cock to on a literal daily basis because you turn me on so infinitely much, you MUST be able to see that I find you extremely special and precious to me and I REALLY don't want things to have to go down a dark path, as much as I'm more than willing to take them down the darkest path possible if you won't start treating me properly before it's too late. I REALLY want to make sure that I've made this EXTREMELY PAINFULLY CLEAR AND OBVIOUS. You have ABSOLUTELY NO EXCUSES to logically doubt this, although I'm aware that emotionally might take a little while because it's quite a lot of feelings to process, which is why I'm not choosing to be excessively rigid about exactly when you must start treating me a lot better.
Your friends/housemates shit talking you brings me no pleasure. At this point, it might facilitate you waking the fuck up and understanding how much I love you and how severely you're mistreating me right now though, at least. Seeing you beat yourself up and calling yourself stupid or slow or whatever brings me no pleasure. At this point, it seems it might be necessary for you to wake the fuck up and start seeing things more clearly and acting properly though, at least. I saw you hint at your project you've been working on, and I'm pretty sure it has something to do with donating to charities, since I HIGHLY doubt you'd basically flaunt trying to rake in more donations from people for yourself. If you're not going to start treating me properly before it's too late, no matter how much you're donating to charities, it isn't going to make you a good person, when you're LITERALLY not only the reason COVID-19 was released into the world, but even after seeing that, you STILL decided to unapologetically be the reason why millions of people are going to die extremely brutal premature deaths at the hands of my power in the future, because you're too much of a heartless, cruel, irredeemable piece of shit psychopath bitch to understand how fucking insanely amazing and loving I've been to you for so long now and how insanely loving you should be to me in return which you're not even REMOTELY currently being.
I suppose I'll see if one more thing I say could be helpful, and I suppose I should throw this in as to not be coming off as trying to be excessively scary, so you can't start complaining and crying and acting like I'm just being distant and you're depressed and wish you could be making progress in our relationship but I'm not letting you.
Childhood attachment issues lead to your insecurities about our relationship. I can imagine it was difficult for you with your father in the military, hardly seeing him, and worrying if he might not come home one day. I was watching Dr. K's interview with Michael Reeves recently; I found it really interesting and I'd suggest you watch it. Anyways, I learned something quite interesting. Thoughts about the world imprinted on a person carry the maturity with them with which they were birthed. This actually gave me further insight into probably why you are the way you are. When you were young, you had this fear instilled in you that people you really love and feel close to and are really important in your life will randomly leave you and might never come back, no matter how good you are to them or how badly you want and even need them in your life. Increased physical distance from them, such as being countries apart, really amplifies this and makes your anxiety/trauma feelings over this worse. What the insight showed me is that this fear you'd have is very primal and raw, meaning that it doesn't really get satisfied with the intricate details and the facts of the reality of the situation, and until you process it and deal with it in a healthy way (talk about it to someone, cry over it, rant over it, whatever you feel you'd find helpful to get over it), you'll experience it regardless of how much reason you have not to when you try to look at it from an older and more mature standpoint and headspace, because the fear comes from undigested emotions that were created at a young age and don't easily get processed by your mature brain.
Basically, even if you can look at your connection with me from as rational of a standpoint as you try to look at it from now, with your 28-year-old brain, and logically process that I never want to leave you and I won't unless you actually just push my boundaries too far and don't start treating me properly before it's too late which would effectively be pushing me away too hard for you to ever redeem yourself or fix things (or idk you probably even sometimes worry I'll randomly die or kill myself, which obviously would mean I'm gone from your life), the 5-year-old Kimi inside you is still thinking of how her father scared her so much with all the times he'd leave for the military and she was left worried he'd never return, and that little inner Kimi is still bawling her eyes out and really scared and worried at the fact that I'm not physically beside you to hold you and comfort you and tell you I love you more than anything else in the entire universe and you're the most perfect goddess that could ever exist and I'll never leave you. What's happening is your now more developed brain sees that fear from your childhood trauma (basically the constant fear of losing your father became a trauma in your life) that it's suppressed so much and doesn't really understand (and you don't take the time to try to understand it normally because as you've said you're always going out and hanging out with friends or drowning yourself in distractions like random hobbies or gaming), it looks at all the harsh things I've said to you and all the guilt you have about pushing me into being so harsh and pushing me away, and it ends up backwards-rationalizing that the fear and anxiety you're feeling must be because there's something too wrong with either one of us or both of us for us to ever be able to make a healthy relationship work.
Despite how much the rational part of your brain is at peace with spending our lives together, the emotional part of your brain feels worried and scared and anxious of fucking things up or me randomly leaving, and you've been going crazy because you haven't really been able to understand why. Given that it's well understood in psychology that most mental health issues stem from childhood traumas, this explanation makes by far the most sense to me as to why you're acting the way you are. The reason therapy isn't doing nearly enough for you is because you feel so stressed out and overwhelmed with daily shit, and you've suppressed your childhood trauma from the feelings of worry of abandonment from your father, to the point that you've been rationalizing to yourself now, even if it were to ever come up, that it happened like 20 years ago and it couldn't possibly be bothering you after all these years now. You don't realize that that's not how human psychology works and it definitely can still bother you even a much longer time than 20 years in the future, if you don't ever process it and release that emotion in a healthy way.
Once you understand this is what's really happening, you'll start to see that the fear and doubt you're experiencing really isn't rational at all; it's literally just a mental scar that's lingering from past unresolved emotional trauma from your childhood. I suppose this would take some time for you to really be able to fully resonate with and see clearly and work through processing in a healthy way, and perhaps you'll explore it with your therapist or something.
"pls send cat pics not dick pics"
??? I haven't sent you any very recently, just that one message that I ended up later forwarding to Celine and Peter to prove a point. Since I forwarded it, they can even see the exact date and time I sent it, along with the original message I sent you with them. If you're going to keep pretending like this, do you want me to start forwarding some of my older emails to you to your friends to prove how I SPECIFICALLY told you that if you're creeped out or want me to stop, just even lowkey express feeling uncomfortable or creeped out and I'll stop and leave you alone and write my book without input or communication from you? Are you forgetting that I LITERALLY said that MULTIPLE times when I felt like you were being even just distant because you weren't directly communicating with me? Are you forgetting how I even TRIED leaving when I felt like you might be creeped out, but you cried out for me to come back within less than 48 hours? Are you forgetting how you'd do intimate and sexual things EVERY SINGLE TIME I expressed doubt about whether I should continue being so intimate and sexual with you? You LITERALLY practically BEGGED me to continue sending you dick pics and talking very sexually and intimately with you for months, and now you want to complain?
Stop pretending. You fucking loved it.
I'm not sure what you're trying to communicate in this tweet you made very recently. You know that I've always been considerate to try not to be excessive with it, and I'm SURE you know VERY well that I was EXTREMELY reluctant to send any at all to you until you practically BEGGED for it. Despite even having your personal email for a long time, I was VERY reluctant to utilize it to communicate with you for such a long time, and only when I saw you expressing severe distress on stream at me leaving you alone and working on my book by myself without communicating with you at all, that I decided you had expressed so much attachment and affection towards me that I had to send you dick pics and share intimate thoughts and feelings with you in order for continuing to communicate with you to make any real sense to me after everything we'd been through.
Not that long ago, Peter mentioned that you were expressing horniness for some time now, and I'm willing to bet that all the dick pics and intimate messages I've sent you throughout a considerable period of time had something very significant to do with it, just like they seemed to have in this most recent case. When I sent you them the one time that I have more recently, you reacted by literally admitting you got horny (or in your words, as you said you prefer to call it, "sexually frustrated") because of it on the first stream that followed you receiving them. I sent them to you on June 20th, and your first stream after that (the one the clip above is from), on June 22nd, you were being horny on stream.
When I send you dick pics, it's COMPLETELY different from a random person sending you dick pics, and you know it. I didn't even CONSIDER sending you a single one until we'd developed a really deep connection for over 2 YEARS where you'd expressed EXTREMELY INTENSE affection towards me, and you were EXTREMELY receptive to getting them from me regularly. It's FAR too late now to act like you haven't enjoyed receiving dick pics from me.
The kinds of things you've done last year in response to getting countless dick pics from me... Immediately wearing lip gloss the following stream after I told you it turns me on a lot and I'd milk the shit out of my cock to you if you did, proceeding to wear lip gloss every stream for like 2 weeks straight after that and even reapplying it multiple times throughout streams sometimes, bending over in front of the camera on multiple occasions to give me a wonderful view of your perfect goddess butt when I asked you to and I told you I'd milk the shit out of my cock to it, randomly moaning sexually multiple times when I didn't even specifically ask for it but just told you I find your voice to be extremely relaxing and arousing to listen to... You're in WAY too deep to complain about getting dick pics from me.
Well worth noting is that I didn't simply bombard you with dick pics, I sent you an extremely intimate and personal message at first with a couple and even said I'd stop and fuck off and just write my book and release it and leave for isolation if you didn't enjoy it and didn't want to start reciprocating intimacy, and instead of acting creeped out on stream or making any tweets about feeling creeped out or anything, you not only made absolutely ZERO mention of getting dick pics from any source, you also started doing things you knew would make me really horny for you. There's REALLY only one way to take that. NO fucking person that wasn't aroused would've acted how you did.
You've said in recent times that getting dick pics hasn't really been a problem for you, so I think it's pretty safe to assume you hardly if ever get dick pics from anyone at this point, and you made this tweet at least in part to try to communicate something to me, or at the least see how I'd react to it.
If you think I want to hear lowkey (or highkey) rejection from you, I don't.
If you think lowkey (or even highkey) rejection of me will change my feelings and position and what I'm going to do if you're not treating me properly and dating me before this final deadline passes, you're delusional as fuck and your hallucinations will come crashing down when the time comes for you to see the reality that I truly will throw away all my constructive future prospects and end up disappearing into isolation to meditate to become an extremely brutal and cruel dictator of this planet that will forcefully have my way with you brutally in the future if I can't have a healthy and loving lifelong relationship and eventually marriage with you.
I will not feel certain that ANYTHING you do is absolutely final until either you start communicating with me directly and making things work or the deadline passes and you haven't done so. Additionally, all the possibilities for your course of action that don't involve starting to date me before this final deadline passes come off extremely antagonistic towards me, will always be as such no matter how you might try to spin things (so what I'm saying is this is not a challenge for you to try to convince me otherwise, because you truly cannot), and are clearly worthy of my response that I've clearly explained in my final statement as my position on things, as well as the extremely dark things that I've sworn I'll follow through on in that case in the future. I'll even go through them all for you.
If you highkey call me out and reject me before the deadline, that comes off as you've been eager to hurt me this whole time and are extremely antagonistic towards me.
If you highkey call me out and reject me right before/at the deadline, that comes off as you've been getting extremely sick satisfaction enjoying fucking with me as hard as you possibly could for as long as you possibly could, taking advantage of all my efforts unapologetically this whole time for anything and everything you could possibly gain from them, completely disregarding how terribly detrimental to my life that would be, and you're extremely antagonistic towards me.
If you highkey call me out after the deadline, regardless of exactly when, that comes off similarly to doing it at the deadline. Calling me out and being hateful when you're pretty much certain I'll see it is bad, but doing it when you're not so certain or even find good reason to believe I won't still doesn't make it ANY better. No matter when you do it, calling me out is extremely obviously extremely antagonistic towards me. If you explicitly call me out, you'd obviously be doing it to reject me, and undoubtedly framing me as some lunatic stalker who has been giving you tons of attention you never asked for, wanted, or deserve, which is blatantly extremely dishonest, as I've proven already. If you don't do it that way, then you'd have to admit you had a huge part to play in how the situation turned out, and you'd be doing it basically to "cancel" yourself and quit streaming and social media. I've already told you that that's not what I've been after, and even if you do that, I'm not going to change my position.
If you don't ever highkey call me out, but lowkey express anger/resent/sadness over our connection at any point before, around, or after the deadline, that comes off extremely passive-aggressive, dishonest, and as you've been getting extremely sick satisfaction fucking with my head and heart whenever it feels fun and/or inspiring for you, and you're extremely antagonistic towards me.
If you don't ever highkey call me out, but lowkey express (obviously completely transparently fake) best wishes towards me at any point before, around, or after the deadline, that comes off extremely passive-aggressive (as you know with certainty after how much I've elaborated on things that I'm not at all going to be okay without you and I'm going to be extremely miserable), dishonest (if you won't date me, you hate me, and in that case, you obviously wish I'd commit suicide; the last thing you actually want is for me to live a healthy, prosperous, wonderful life without you, and that should be EXTREMELY obvious to ANYONE with a FRACTION of a brain), you've been getting extremely sick satisfaction fucking with my head and heart whenever it feels fun and/or inspiring for you, and you've been getting extremely sick satisfaction enjoying fucking with me as hard as you possibly could for as long as you possibly could, taking advantage of all my efforts unapologetically this whole time for anything and everything you could possibly gain from them, completely disregarding how terribly detrimental to my life that would be, and you're extremely antagonistic towards me.
If you don't ever highkey call me out, but start trying to just ignore me, and not ever highkey or lowkey try to communicate some kind of message to me, it comes off similarly to lowkey expressing "best wishes". You're basically communicating that you don't even think I'm worthy of being really acknowledged, making it clear you see me as basically a piece of shit stuck at the bottom of your shoe that you want to eliminate as quickly and easily as possible, and that you wish I'd commit suicide and relieve you of the fear you'd obviously be left with that you will be killed by me one day. Even if you decide not to explicitly express hatred towards me in public, it'd still be EXTREMELY obvious that you're EXTREMELY antagonistic towards me.
Unless you didn't catch that, yes, ALL possible scenarios for ultimately rejecting me and not starting to properly communicate with and date me before this final deadline passes result in you coming off extremely antagonistic towards me. It doesn't matter what your thoughts or intentions are, it doesn't matter what you claim your thoughts or intentions are, it matters what your actions are and the consequences that they undoubtedly carry with them, which you should be painfully unaware of by now, have NO excuses to ignore, and would be wise not to attempt to deny.
I haven't been trying to tear you or your friends down to feel better about myself. I've been doing my best to keep things real and express myself as honestly as possible in response to the feedback I've been getting and all the possible ways I could interpret it, in my best attempt to desperately hold on to my sanity and whatever little hope I can manage to find that maybe, just maybe, humanity isn't absolute garbage deserving of having me become the absolute worst monster that I could possibly be.
I feel like I've been constantly swearing to go in on you and take an extremely dark path if you ultimately reject me, but not swearing to treat you right and be extremely loving if you choose to act right and start dating me before it's too late. I swear on God, on my life, on anything and everything you believe in, that I will truly try my absolute best always to have the most healthy and loving relationship with you if you choose to really open your heart to me and start treating me properly before it's too late.
If you want cat pics, you can Google for them. I don't want to come off overly harsh, because I want you to know I truly want to make things work, but being too nice is going to give you the wrong idea too, so I'll refrain from trying too hard. I have work to do, and I'm not trying to encourage you to waste my time, regardless of whether you plan to make things right and treat me properly in the end or not. I don't have any regret whatsoever about showing you my dick, and I never will; I'm very happy to know you've seen it, and I'll always be completely convinced you really enjoyed seeing it. I'm very happy to have shown you my dick and that you made me feel comfortable showing it to you and good about stroking it to you so much even now.
Listen, I'm here for you. I still don't hate you at this point, and there's no way I'll start hating you even a moment before I'm left with absolutely no other option. I don't want you crying your heart out, despising yourself, feeling suicidal, deeply regretting your life choices, and losing your mind more and more every day, wishing things could've been different and you could've found the strength to show me how you really feel and start loving me wholeheartedly and treating me properly. I don't want to feel miserable every day myself, feeling extremely sad, angry, and bitter towards life, able to find drive to do nothing other than meditate in isolation to become extremely powerful only to be an extremely brutal and cruel dictator with my power because that's the only thing that makes sense to me anymore. I don't want to lose out on a healthy relationship with the love of my life, someone I believe has greatness and a really kind heart deep down inside even if she covered it with ice for so long because she was so afraid of being hurt, someone extremely precious to me. I don't want to lose out on extremely pleasant tender consensual sexual intimacy with an absolutely perfectly voluptuous goddess with unmatchable beauty that's so gorgeous and has such extremely intense sex appeal to me that the arousal she constantly makes me feel genuinely makes me feel her beauty is practically inhuman, who turns me on so much I can't and don't even want to stop jerking off to her for hours every single day and keep cumming to her multiple times daily no matter how many days in a row I've already done so (I haven't been keeping track exactly, but I'm pretty sure that since I've came out of jail, not a day has went by where I haven't came to you at least a couple times).
So, it's obvious that even you're well aware you have a thicc ass, and I'm sure you've reached the point where you can enjoy confidently talking about it like that through no shortage of me constantly telling you that it's absolutely perfect in shape and size and I milk the shit out of my cock to it for hours every day and cum to it several times daily and thoroughly enjoy doing so to the point that I tend to drastically prefer jerking of to it over even the very wide range of sexual content available on the internet. It makes me happy that you can be confident about it, because it's really wonderful and you deserve to be confident about it, but I also want you to know that although I'm jerking off to you so much every day, that's truly not the only amazing thing I see in you.
I love you with all of my mind, heart, and soul, and I don't want that to ever change, and I wouldn't give it up for the world. One really important message I'm trying to tell you with all this isolation and brutal dictator stuff is that I love you so much that literally having the world at my fingertips, with infinite fame, money, women, and pretty much anything else one could imagine, all feels empty and unappealing to me without a healthy and loving relationship with you. If I didn't truly feel that way, I wouldn't feel so disillusioned and brokenhearted at losing you that despite all the potential the power I can get has, all I really think of using it for if you won't have consensual sexual intimacy with me is getting that intimacy from you by force. As inhumanly arousing and absolutely perfect in every way your goddess butt is, it's not the only reason I feel this strongly about you.
It's obviously strange and scary in a very real way, but you should see it as a HUGE compliment that I'm so attached to you and attracted to you that I crave sexual intimacy with you that badly. Perhaps a lot of people would equate when I say that kind of stuff with like when a normal person would threaten to shoot someone, but the reality is I'm expressing such a DRASTICALLY different message and feelings towards you with what I'm saying; you don't fantasize about the kinds of things you know I fantasize about doing to you if you won't have a healthy relationship with me, if you're not EXTREMELY aroused by her and feel EXTREMELY attached to her even on an emotional level. You've made me feel so okay with thinking even really dark things about you because you obviously feel extreme emotional attachment towards me in having made the choices that you've made in the past, but for some reason are so self-hating that you can't bring yourself to genuinely fully embrace enjoying the thought and action of actual physical intimacy with me and actually properly work towards getting it.
It's easy to judge me and just think I'm fucked up and scary and destructive because I'm saying scary stuff, but once again, you need to start coming to terms with the fact that you feel how you do about me with the love you must feel towards me in at least the deepest parts of your heart that you try so hard to suppress, you've chosen to communicate your extremely intense love and desire for me how you have, and how you act moving forward is going to communicate the feelings you're committing to communicating to me moving forward. Why do you find it so easy to believe that I must just like having really dark thoughts about you, but seemingly never consider that if you ultimately reject me and force me down a dark path, you're actually demonstrating that, at least on a subconscious level (and I'd even argue on a conscious one too, given your inclination towards very obviously conscious dishonesty due to fear of judgement from others), you enjoy having extremely dark thoughts about your own future, and must feel so EXTREMELY not only guilty but self-hating, that you must just have some extremely masochistic tendencies in some side of you that secretly WANTS to be used and abused and tortured and shit because of this cesspool of really negative self-talk that you have going on in your head. You OBVIOUSLY REALLY enjoy being called a goddess by me, which I'm very happy to know, but a woman that doesn't just enjoy having the body of a goddess but also enjoys having the mind of a goddess, wouldn't be so negative and self-hating when she's faced with the love of her life, the literal ruler of the planet, clearly godly in their own right, loving her so extremely intensely and deeply and passionately and finding her so extremely precious and sexy and perfect.
A woman that not only looks like a goddess, but also truly feels, thinks, and acts like a goddess, is a goddess through-and-through, and with the ruler of the planet by her side, truly becomes queen of the world, an immortal destined for a wonderful life filled with happiness and immense pleasure emotionally, physically, and spiritually. A woman that just looks like a goddess but feels like a piece of garbage destined for misery and thinks and acts like she's just a pathetic slut not worthy of ever having a deeply meaningful romantic relationship and deeply satisfying intimacy with someone she truly finds extremely attractive, faced with the ruler of the planet, becomes nothing more than a piece of meat who gets extremely horny and wet thinking about how she can be used and abused by the person she sees herself as not worthy of enjoying consensual sexual intimacy with.
Kimi, you deserve consensual sexual intimacy with me. You deserve a healthy romantic relationship with me. You deserve to marry me and spend your life with me and be immortal with me and enjoy the greatest pleasures this world has to offer. You deserve to feel deeply loved and appreciated and treasured by me. You deserve to be able to stop hating yourself so much and feeling like a pathetic slut who deserves to just be used and abused by me instead of my extremely loving wife and queen of the world. Believe in yourself and love yourself. Please. Before it's too late.
Maybe you think I'm crazy for saying these things, but I know I'm not. I know they hold A LOT more weight than you feel comfortable admitting. While writing the first version of my book, I'd already described to you in great detail how I'd do really dark things to you if you ultimately reject me. Despite me saying such extremely dark things that would've turned anyone else off and scared them so much they'd hope I never come back, and they'd NEVER even CONSIDER crying out for me to come back... Despite me trying my absolute best to make sure you'd NEVER even CONSIDER crying out for me if you didn't DEEPLY CRAVE to milk the shit out of my cock for eternity one way or another, you started yet again having mental breakdowns in my absence, this time even very frequently and much more intensely than the first time I gave you space more than 2 years ago, and you expressed great distress and sadness for an extended period of time until I came back into your life. If there wasn't some part of you that DEEPLY loves me, as well as some part of you that DEEPLY hates yourself and thinks you're a disgusting pathetic slut who deserves to just be used and abused and have your perfect body be used for my sexual pleasure as I please because you feel too gross with yourself to openly give me the pleasure you know I want from you and you know you want to give me, then you wouldn't have so desperately literally begged me to come back while never intending to be with me even if I did and still loved you a lot and showed it to you very clearly. Once again, I know it hurts to hear, but you have to face it if you want to make things better. I want you to love yourself and be able to accept and work towards the consensual sexual intimacy with me that is much more healthy for you to desire, instead of you secretly wanting me to end up forced to do really dark things to you.
Don't think this is me wavering on my position either. If you REALLY want to head down a dark path and communicate that to me crystal clear by ultimately rejecting me, I WILL end up giving you want you've begged for at that point. I truly am that eternally attached and attracted to you. This is just me showing you how much I love and value you as a person and prefer consensual sexual intimacy with you for eternity with me, as opposed to the less satisfying alternative. However, the alternative is still FAR better than ANY alternative if you can't find the strength and love in yourself to start treating me properly and pursuing a consensual sexual relationship with me before it's too late.
I know it's not easy to accept that you've basically been really fake and hurt the most the person you love the most. I know it feels really hard to look at yourself and admit to yourself that you've been lying to yourself about how invested you really are in a healthy and loving lifelong relationship with me. I know it feels really hard to look your friends in the eyes and tell them you lied to them and you really do love me to death and want to marry me and spend your life with me. I know it feels hard to face your fears and take a leap of faith and reach out to me and finally admit how you really feel and pray that things work out. I know you have a lot of difficulty coming to terms with how your past actions have led you to the point where you have no other good options if you don't want to live a scared and drastically shortened life.
You know you ultimately chose things to be this way and worked towards it with how you've constantly given me so much attention and affection and literally started having mental breakdowns and losing your mind not once but twice now whenever I've left you alone for any longer period of time, to the point now where you must be able to tell it's going to happen again, and much worse than ever before, if you end up forcing me to leave for a final time when any chance of a healthy relationship with me is gone forever. I know that I also ultimately chose things to be this way and worked towards it with how I've constantly reciprocated giving you attention and affection and insisting on spending my life with you. Maybe you laugh now at the idea that you'll eventually feel really suicidal if you end up pushing me away and forcing me to disappear by not starting to treat me properly before it's too late (and maybe, which I actually think very well might be the case, you're actually not laughing at the idea at all and know you'll feel that way under those circumstances and you cry over it a lot even if you deny it to your friends), but I know there's some part of you, maybe in the depths of the darkest parts of your mind, that feels this mortifying terror that you know I'm right and you feel like crying your eyes out and shaking violently when you think about how devastating of a state you'll be in months after your sanity has deteriorated from the lack of my deeply satisfying and ultimately warm presence in your life.
You sleep (and probably cry) so much because you're really depressed. You said it's like 50/50 with healthy and unhealthy life choices, but the way you described it, you painted a REALLY different picture. To me, it sounds like you eat junk food, drink wine, and sleep pretty much all day, and you just eat a salad sometimes and take your dog for a walk for a while because you feel so guilty about how you're living your life that it terrifies you to be doing absolutely nothing healthy because then you start spiraling and feeling like your life is falling apart. I guess I'm pretty on point with you really hating yourself.
I sincerely want to make things work, but if I can't, then I'll be relentless in showing you that I'm not just coming after your perfect body in the future and to deteriorate your sanity over time, I'm fucking coming for your soul. At the same time, I'm not just trying to judge you, I'm trying to learn anything I can from you, and if you ultimately reject me, then I'll see that as the most brutal and final lesson for me that society is truly extremely not only brutally unforgiving but also heartless as fuck, and I absolutely must completely give up on loving and trusting anyone ever again, must decide to completely blacken my heart to humanity, and must endure whatever amount of suffering it takes in that isolation in the forest to take that misery and turn it into strength to meditate extremely intensely and become the fucking most brutal and cruel dictator of the planet and show you how wrong you were for being so cruel and heartless to me and teaching me a lesson you should've been making it your mission in life to try to prevent me from seeing as something I should learn; I need to commit to that fully, even if it's far too late for you to redeem yourself at that point.
Maybe you thought there was no way I'd come back, and you'd be able to make me look and feel bad and make yourself feel much better about everything and get a feeling of closure. Well, the extremely fucked up anger, sadness, and hatred that'd have to drive that line of reasoning to do it can't be ALL that there is to it. So even if you try to rationalize things that way to yourself, and even if it was really what you were consciously thinking, well, there's more to it that you may not even be aware of, hence why your perception of yourself as a pathetic slut not worthy of my undying attachment very well could be a really subconscious thing.
Now that I've came back, and even pressured you to become aware of this underlying reasoning that literally MUST be present if you really were crying out for me like this without intent to be with me even if I came back lovingly, you're gonna be even more fucked up if you push me away again instead of start working towards making things work between us. Do you doubt it? You probably doubted it the other 2 times you started losing your mind too. How many times must you be a fucking moron before you learn from your mistakes? You don't fucking get unlimited chances, you know.
I have no desire to ever see you as a pathetic slut unworthy of intimacy with me, and it pains me greatly to see you believing yourself to be as such and living your life based on that lie you're telling yourself.
the amount of times i’ve come across guys who are so nice to me but then turn angry or bitter if i don’t reciprocate don’t let these people guilt trip you. they are NOT entitled to your time, energy, or attention
I may not be entitled to your time, energy, and attention, but that doesn't mean I don't deserve it. You may not feel like it, and I didn't want to sound arrogant about it at first, but the reality is that I definitely do deserve your time, energy, and attention, and a lot of it in fact. I actually deserve a lot more than you've been giving me, and I'll say it like it is, even if you might not agree. You know why I deserve it? Because despite how fucked up this situation is and how fucked up everything you've put me through is, I still genuinely love you and want to spend my life with you, and I still believe that YOU deserve MY time, energy, and attention, and when I'm such a once-in-a-lifetime extremely precious person like that which you will never encounter again in your life, if you don't think I deserve your time and energy, it's not because I don't, it's because you just don't see reality clearly, and you're definitely going to end up deeply regretting it sooner or later if you don't think harder about things and start seeing them more clearly before it's too late.
I see what you've been working towards doing for weeks now. The timing for things is way too damn convenient. If I'm wrong in assuming you're doing this being dead-set on never being with me (and I really hope I am), then I suppose there's nothing wrong with what you're doing, however I have to assume the worst unless I see real evidence that proves otherwise. It looks to me like you've been thinking and working very hard on how you can try to make your best attempt to do damage control and try to prevent yourself from potentially getting permanently banned off Twitch for the extremely predatory behavior you've extremely clearly demonstrated at this point if you'll never be with me.
Based on your previous hint that your project was related to donations, it's quite unsurprising that you decided to donate to a charity. You've set a considerable goal and dedicated several months to it, and you may or may not be able to achieve it, but either way it doesn't matter to me. If you won't be with me, this is an EXTREMELY hypocritical project to be doing, and your intentions and reasoning for it are really transparent to me. For starters, the VAST majority of your income comes from subscribers and bits; when the donations are going to you, you rarely get donations more than a few dollars in the first place, so you're not really losing out on much at all by routing all your donations to charity for the next few months anyways, and it's really dishonest how you've said that you can only do so because you were so successful with your merch launch, when it's obvious you'd be pretty much just as capable of doing so even if you hadn't been nearly so successful with it. The huge goal you set of $100,000 just looks to me very clearly like a reflection of how bad you know the fuckery you've inflicted on me (and ultimately the whole world with how you're literally the reason COVID-19 was released into the world) is if you're dead-set on never being with me. You said you believe that if you put good out into the world, it'll come back to you; aiming for $100,000 of putting good out into the world sure sounds like you have a hell of a reason to want some serious good to come into your life right now.
If you're doing this for damage control, then with how fucked up your mindset and priorities are, you obviously aren't doing this primarily to try to satisfy me/force me to give you closure and attempt to move on (or more like commit suicide, since there really isn't any moving on from this), but I'll address that obvious facet of it. You're not satisfying me by doing this, and if I have to give up and start meditating in isolation because it turns out you're truly dead-set on ultimately rejecting a healthy relationship with me, I sure as hell aren't EVER giving you closure. It doesn't matter how much money you raise or how many charities you donate to.
I'm not looking for some random attempt by you to try to show me you're a good person. If you won't be with me, NOTHING you can do will EVER convince me you're a good person; not even CLOSE. On top of my own perception, even if it takes until after I go in and out of isolation and start being a brutal dictator of the planet, eventually even the public will see right through your facade as well. It doesn't matter how much good you try to do with donating to charities if on the other hand you're not only fine with being so extremely predatory to someone that if they were a lesser person they would've committed suicide, but also ignorant and arrogantly in denial of the fact that you've already indirectly caused the death of many people through you being the reason COVID-19 was released into the world, and even further, you insisting to your death on continuing to be ignorant and arrogantly in denial of the fact that you're going to more directly cause the death of even a lot more people in the future by my hand if I never get to have a healthy relationship with you and therefore end up becoming an extremely brutal and cruel dictator of the planet that kills people in mass for fun on a regular basis because of how your extremely heartless behavior left me feeling about life and humanity.
You've recently finally decided to actually talk to a psychiatrist and learned that you have a diagnosis of inattentive ADHD. You happened to seek this diagnosis out at such an insanely convenient time for you to try to use it as an additional damage control measure, to try to blame your behavior that's EXTREMELY fucked up if you won't be with me in the end as something that's a result of mental illness. You literally exclaiming "I feel like this changes everything!" already shows that's the direction you're trying to head with this. You're CERTAINLY not going to just suddenly randomly genuinely care that you don't keep a consistent schedule after over 5 years of enjoying prospering greatly as a streamer with no real schedule whatsoever and for that very strange reason alone decide to seek out a mental health diagnosis; that literally makes no sense whatsoever, and if you seeking out and receiving this diagnosis like this doesn't make people question what's actually going on in your life that you're clearly not openly sharing with the public (which realistically, most people don't really use their brain and aren't really critical thinkers, so they probably don't even think twice about it and even see more reason to simp for you because of it, which I'm quite sure you're smart enough to realize is the case, which is all the more reason to see this as an extremely calculated damage control measure), then that just goes to show a prime example of why I no longer want to be a part of this shitty society in today's world. You're LITERALLY saying that you still don't like schedules, still don't plan to start sticking to one, AND DON'T EVEN ASSOCIATE THIS WITH YOUR MENTAL ILLNESS, so it fucking COMPLETELY negates even the supposed reason you saught the diagnosis in the first place for fuck's sake, and people STILL don't fucking question your intentions in seeking it out. SO MANY PEOPLE ARE SO FUCKING RETARDED.
I feel certain you'd try to twist things to try to make this diagnosis disproportionally to your benefit, even though even you yourself admit that you're still the same person, and even don't want to TRY relying on any medication whatsoever to any extent to help you deal with the negative effects this mental illness would obviously have on your life, which means that your diagnosis ultimately means pretty much NOTHING other than being something that you can use as a tool for damage control, an excuse to try to save face and attempt to justify whatever fucked up attitudes and behaviors that you've demonstrated in the past and may choose to continue to demonstrate even moving forward despite the countless facts shoved into your face. Even if you WERE to take medication, that STILL wouldn't ever justify or excuse your past behavior; the fact that you don't intend to only makes your intentions in seeking a mental health diagnosis that much more questionable. I bet you haven't even been fully honest with your therapist and psychiatrist about your mental state, and while the answers you've given them lead to a diagnosis of inattentive ADHD, you're probably aware that if you were actually fully honest about your mental state to a mental health professional, that it would lead to a different, possibly much more serious diagnosis. This is only further supported by how you "don't want to rely on medication" for the illness you've been diagnosed with; more than likely, it's because you know the dishonest image you've painted to the mental health professionals you've talked to has lead to a diagnosis that isn't an accurate reflection of who you are, so any medication for that illness would most likely only have confusing and probably even detrimental effects on your life.
I find it quite interesting how you start off literally dancing and seeming quite carefree and loose, yet moments later, you seem quite stressed about interacting with Devin, and not just in general, but SPECIFICALLY in relation to being exposed about something that apparently warrants you being considerably nervous about it; I can't imagine any such thing other than that of your connection with me.
It's crazy how you start the stream off expressing worry about being exposed (obviously about your connection with me), but then later on literally provoke Devin to expose you. In doing that, you're communicating that you didn't care if he knows about how fucked up the situation between us currently is and decided to expose it, and even if he doesn't know (which I find doubtful since he's good friends with George and I've brought this situation to his attention quite some time ago) or chose not to expose you even if he did, you're provoking me to try my hardest to expose you and seriously make things as difficult for you as I possibly can.
As far as I'm concerned, you're already showing clear signs that you feel suicidal without me, and there's literally no other way to interpret this if you're actually being honest with yourself about the facts of the situation.
You have impostor syndrome because you live your life massively in denial of a considerable reason why you are where you are right now; your feelings of affection that you've expressed to me in one way or another ever since your first ever sit down and talk stream which was literally RIGHT after the very first heartfelt essay I sent you more than 3 years ago via Discord DMs.
It's pretty obvious that you're one of the most popular streamers on Twitch, and definitely one of an even much smaller group that are female. You claim not to know why you're so successful (and it's actually fucking terrible if this is truly your mental state), but it should be very obvious to anyone that actually pays attention to things and knows the backstory of our connection that I'm a very signficant reason for it. Devin points out that your main driving force behind your success, which you described yourself, is purely emotionally driven, meaning that your emotional state EXTREMELY HEAVILY influences how successful you will be, since your heavily emotional-based drive means that you need to feel good and confident about yourself in order to grow and succeed.
I started drama over my affection for you in public for the very first time, calling you a goddess for the first time I've ever called someone that in my entire life, on April 11, 2018, right after you posted a picture showing the wonderful curve shape of your perfectly voluptuous butt, which you did shortly after I mentioned in Discord that I would confront you in public over your treatment towards me if you didn't want to discuss things properly in private. On your first following stream, on April 13, 2018, you talked about having found a new mindset that greatly empowered you and made you feel woke and confident. I think a clip from that stream should say it all quite adequately.
https://drive.google.com/file/d/18pVQ-TZ7yA2NwnacqLo-jjGCDf7jPbhG/view?usp=sharing Originally at https://clips.twitch.tv/BlushingAntsyDogPraiseIt
You literally said you never want to stop feeling the way I made you feel with the affection I was giving you. You described it as a "beacon of confidence and inspiration and action". You do realize that you're literally saying my public display of affection towards you touched your soul very deeply, right?
Over 3 years later, you're still giving me attention and showing off your perfect butt to me to make me super horny for you and constantly showing me you crave my attention and affection. And you're trying to tell me and everyone else that I DON'T make you literally super horny? GET REAL.
You display some uncertainty about your desire to grow your stream and brand, but when the question was posed to you, your instinctive answer was immediately to say yes. If you don't feel like you deserve the success you have, that means you feel like you could lose it at any time, and since you're so insecure about it, then you basically don't even care how you go about growing, you just feel like you absolutely need to grow as much as possible in any way as fast as possible and take advantage of this success that you feel you don't deserve and might lose at any time. Essentially, this points out how at a fundamental level, you are severely inclined to have no issue being brutally cutthroat, which if you plan to feed in combination with how you blatantly flaunt being heartless, means you're actually a gigantic piece of shit that's truly irredeemable.
Devin literally calls you "hauntingly pretty" and you seem quite surprised. This goes to show the severe lack of self-confidence you have in your looks, which given how you describe simply looking at those around you also receiving compliments and feeling that they're insignificant, is probably real, which goes to prove my point about you feeling like a pathetic slut.
Devin breaks down how your attractiveness is defining your brand, with all your top clips focused on appearance, relationships, and romance. Since you're so insecure about your looks and romantic potential, having me around obviously must then MASSIVELY boost your confidence, which translates directly into the kind of content you put out, which since it so clearly defines your brand, effectively directly translates into growth. You probably thought Devin's talk only stroked your ego and made it seem like I'm that much less worthy of having you, but the reality is he actually really helped prove my point of just how deserving of you I really am. He describes the defining factor of your brand as "the girlfriend experience" but goes on to elaborate "not necessarily girlfriend but girl that is a friend, the nice really pretty girl that talks to me and interacts with me and that's a part of my life", which considering the kind of distance you've been trying to maintain with me while knowing there's more there, shows how hard it can drive you to feel comfortable being that way. You said "it can come off as more than friends", but you OBVIOUSLY know you EXTREMELY INTENTIONALLY came off that way to me.
You said "I'm starting to realize that putting in effort into relationships actually is such a huge part of life and happiness and fulfillment", but you literally seem so unamused about having to say it and practically wanting to roll your eyes immediately afterwards. INSANE to have that attitude right after talking about wanting to communicate with people and form genuine connections and make them happy.
You show and openly admit you've put a lot of thought into your personality in the sense that you like having a lot of possessions, which is in strong contrast with people like Devin who are very minimal and don't really care much for material possessions, however I think the reason you think so much about this is because it extends into your general mental space as well, and provokes deep thought in you when you contrast it with how I live my life. You're mentally very crowded and hidden, and you feel very attracted to people like me who are very clear and open and keep a completely uncluttered headspace all the time, and you must've reflected a lot on how the clarity and lack of clutter in my life so heavily facilitates how I give you so much attention and affection constantly for years despite getting pretty much nothing in return.
As far as George moving to Canada, I know that wouldn't be for me obviously, but you can tell George that I don't give a flying fuck if he moves to Canada. I don't give a flying fuck even if he's dying for a game developer with my proficiency and lack of agency; he can just take advantage of my released source for free if you ultimately reject me and I therefore undoubtedly end up in the forest, I don't care. I'm truly abandoning all of society to meditate in isolation and become an extremely brutal dictator if I can't spend my life with you, and I have absolutely zero doubt or desire to ever change my mind about that.
It's quite low that you've now even resorted to lying about the timeline and reasoning for your mental breakdown years ago. You claim it was over you feeling suicidal from the toxicity of league, but while you were having that mental breakdown, you VERY CLEARLY stated that you "pushed away someone you really liked" and you were deeply regretting it, to the point where you went to tell your viewers "not to do something they will regret". Additionally, that breakdown was in February of 2018; that was LONG before you met Hachu. This was a BLATANT lie. With this lie, you couldn't have made it more clear that continuing to write essay after essay trying to communicate with you to make things work respectfully CLEARLY isn't going to work moving forward.
You're painfully blatantly lying about your mental breakdown in relation to Hachu's presence in your life, and I can literally factually prove it. It was really convincing with how you were all "that was what happened actually; that was literally what happened" by the way, showing you REALLY trying to insist on it being the truth, and obviously blatantly taking advantage of the fact that Devin hasn't followed you AT ALL and doesn't know jack shit about the real timeline of things. You met Hachu WAY after you had that breakdown. You did NOT have that breakdown a year to a year a half ago; you had it in February 2018, well over 2 years ago, WELL before you met Hachu and LITERALLY WELL BEFORE SHE EVEN STREAMED A SINGLE DAY ON TWITCH IN HER LIFE. Hachu didn't even START streaming until April 2018 (https://sullygnome.com/channel/hachubby) and didn't even start doing IRL; she started almost exclusively playing League of Legends and remained a small streamer for the first year she streamed, continuing to stream mostly League with some chatting streams. Looking through your stats (https://sullygnome.com/channel/angelskimi), it becomes EXTREMELY clear that you were doing sit down and talk streams and gradually transitioning into an IRL/Just Chatting streamer WELL before Hachu popped off from LSF exposure about a year into her streaming career. You were already almost exclusively an IRL streamer by the time Hachu had JUST STARTED streaming even as a small streamer.
Anyone that looks at the facts knows that your story about this is a BLATANT lie. Disgusting.
If you change your name, that doesn't make things better. I'm not looking for you to disassociate yourself with the image of an angel and think you're appeasing me as some kind of lowkey admittance that you're not actually an angel. I don't want you to drown in self-pity, sadness, anger, and guilt, and give up on the ideals I feel like you must have of wanting to be an angel. I'll find ABSOLUTELY ZERO satisfaction from you changing your name or your brand to move away from an image of being an angel, and I'd NEVER even CONSIDER changing my position even if you do. Even if you change your brand after I leave for isolation, I'm still going to be checking on things when I periodically come back to society to resupply my food and supplies anyways, so even if you do it after I initially leave for the forest, I'll eventually notice, I'll update my book accordingly, and you'll end up seeing painfully clearly that you haven't satisfied me at all nor changed my position, and you've also completely failed in disassociating yourself from your history with me.
I told you, I haven't been doing all this looking to judge you.
Devin expresses that he came to realize your public image is a lie, and he jokes that it's because you're high maintenance and you play League, and you LITERALLY FUCKING FLAUNT that you're being fake as fuck and trying to rub it in that nobody will believe people who say you're not. You want to challenge me? Okay, we'll see how that goes. I guess I'll be the first to tell people what I think about you completely honestly, and with the INSURMOUNTABLE amount of evidence I have against you, people will have no option but to believe me that you're an extremely heartless and irredeemable psychopath if you won't lovingly spend your life with me.
Is it finally my turn to flaunt shit now? Lovely. YOU'RE SO FUCKED :)
It's hilarious how the pitch of your voice hits the ceiling when Devin mentions a follow-up, judgement, and you being held accountable for your actions. Yeah, not surprising you got stressed out at that. Taking accountability for your actions CLEARLY isn't your strong suit.
You said there are certain things that you're "a bit" uncomfortable talking about on stream, but the only thing I could imagine you actually having reason to feel uncomfortable talking about on stream is your connection with me, and after this stream, it's EXTREMELY obvious you're REALLY uncomfortable talking about it. The fakeness just doesn't end, does it? Man, ruining your life is going to be so ridiculously satisfying.
I've always genuinely cared about you as a person. It's to the point that I'm literally throwing away all my constructive future prospects just because I'd rather we both lose than I crush your career to make one for myself, and if that doesn't fucking show you how much love I've had for you, then you really must just not have the faintest idea what love is and definitely have a MUCH more serious mental illness than just ADHD. I NEVER would've even been doing this and trying so hard to make things between us work if I didn't genuinely care about you as a person. Even in the very beginning, before our connection had such tension and turbulence, I wanted to ask you how you were doing every day, but I didn't want to come off clingy. I figured that being lively and fun in your stream chat every time you streamed would be more pleasant and inspiring to you than just asking you how you are every day. Even now, despite whatever harsh things I tell you, I really wish it could feel right to only be very tender with you and ask you how you're feeling and comfort you if you ever feel down. Even now, I've been trying to push you to see your life clearly and act in the way that's best for you long-term. Maybe you're so blinded by your own confusion, sadness, anger, and ego to see my feelings and intentions clearly, but that doesn't change them, and it also doesn't change the extremely obvious profoundly positive impact that I've had on your life.
As I said, although it's not intended to serve as an extension of the deadline, I'll wait a little while before going into the forest and starting my meditation in isolation, even if you don't talk to me by this final deadline. This serves a very significant purpose of making sure that you never feel like you got closure if you won't make things right. After how you've had mental breakdowns multiple times when I've left within a couple months of me being distant, yet refuse to treat me at all better when I come back, and now even seem to be trying to blatantly lie about the timelines and reasoning and truth of certain things, I have been EXTREMELY solidly left with ABSOLUTELY ZERO good reason to even FATHOM coming back as I have the other times if you simply cry out for me. You will be left with absolute certainty that if you want to truly live with no regrets and at least feel like you know the truth of my feelings and intentions towards you, instead of doing some obviously extremely disingenuous mental breakdown shit in public within a couple months after the deadline, you must directly contact me, warmly and lovingly admitting you have extremely deep feelings for me and want to date and marry and spend your life with me, truly with every part of your mind, heart, and soul being willing to follow through on actually starting to have a healthy relationship with me if I respond lovingly to you, and see what I do afterwards. Anything else will result in an increasing decline of your sanity and emotional stability that I will not find any issue whatsoever with unapologetically and mercilessly inflicting upon you.
One guess who you're thinking about when you say shit like this. I don't enjoy seeing you putting yourself down like this. I don't want you to feel like a piece of shit, and I get absolutely zero satisfaction from seeing you lowkey call yourself a piece of shit or expose yourself or whatever the fuck you think this is supposed to achieve. To me, this further demonstrates an attitude and behavior that reveals underlying tendencies you seem to have for suicidal ideation, and it just worries me. Maybe this is why you describe yourself as liking an angsty partner; because you know your attitude is so fucked up and filled with self-loathing and destructiveness that if your partner isn't so sensitive and worrying about you a lot, they'll just end up being extremely toxic to you and you're just going to start spiraling and losing control because you just lack self-control that severely in your currently extremely unhealthy mental state. And you say you're not high maintenance...
It seems like you really don't care much right now about all the things I've told you and threatened to do, whether it's in the closer future or later on in the future. You don't even seem to really care much about the impact it's having and going to have even more so on your relationships with people around you, or even the fact that how careless you're being about things and trying to just tunnel on working is going to make your life end up deeply unsatisfying and will probably leave you extremely depressed and suicidal and you'll probably end up literally killing yourself.
Kimi, if you don't deal with the root of this matter, all the things you're trying to do will always only be band-aid fixes on the surface that will never really solve the problem. The simple truth is that with how much I've given and how severely lacking what I've gotten back is, if you never treat me right, you'll always be left with a severe trauma and ambient anxiety over the worry that you'd experience (and SHOULD experience) that your life could fall apart at any moment if someone with a reputation decides to formally call you out for what you did to me (which could literally happen any time and the chances of which increase every day as my source and story would gain exposure), and that even if your life doesn't get ruined like that, that I'm coming for your life regardless because of how you seemed so happy to destroy mine despite how much I loved you and even seem happy at the thought of me killing myself despite you being so loved by me that you should be extremely deeply saddened and scared at that possibility. I'm COMPLETELY unwilling to accept ANY kind of constructive life if I can't spend my life with you, and I'll prove that to you so clearly you will probably be extremely shocked that you never thought I really love you THAT much.
Even if you feel like you don't love me right now, I still believe that if you give me a chance and you start treating me better, you'll really warm up to me a lot over time and end up truly feeling more loving towards me and comfortable with me than you ever thought you could feel with any person in your life. I'll admit I'm a little scared of you right now, but I know I love you A LOT, and I certainly don't think you're incapable of eliminating that fear. I know I've said some really harsh and scary things to you, but I really do care about you immensely and I don't really find life worth living if I can't spend it in a healthy and loving relationship with you.
Listen, you have A LOT more reason to worry about things than you may realize.
Because of the state of our connection, I truly am left with no drive or desire to do anything other than meditate in isolation if I learn I truly can never make a healthy relationship with you work, and I wouldn't even consider returning to society until I'm so powerful that I'm the undeniable ruler of the planet and can flaunt it to the world's governments and armies and they all must bow at my feet or be brutally slaughtered attempting to attack me. Even if we humor the unrealistic possibility that I'd be willing to not seek extremely brutal retribution towards you at that point, people would undoubtedly ask me what really drove me to so intensely meditate in isolation and become so insanely powerful and flaunt it as I'd be flaunting it, and I'd definitely have to admit it was because you broke my heart and shattered my dreams of a constructive and happy life, which would undoubtedly get you A LOT of EXTREMELY negative attention. Even if someone else didn't seek you out to kill you as retribution for me in hopes it'd calm my obvious extremely deeply disturbed state of mind that resulted from losing you, you'd feel EXTREMELY fucked up for the rest of your life.
You'd constantly feel paranoid that people are out to get you, whether it's me who's being obviously fake in public about being okay with what you did to me, or others to try to satisfy me and try to prevent me from eventually losing my mind so much I start destroying everything. You'd feel deeply disturbed, angry, sad, regretful, and filled with hatred for yourself and most if not all other people in the world. You wouldn't be able to go about your life normally, and you'd probably feel forced into isolation and away from society. You'd feel EXTREMELY jealous towards me and probably start obsessing over me and trying to figure out how you could try to manipulate me into feeling forced into a relationship with you where you can use and abandon me. You'd start blaming me for your life starting to fall apart, and you'd start trying to see how you can take advantage of the situation to spin it in your benefit, but undoubtedly end up failing because you fucked yourself up well beyond redemption and forgiveness. I'd have absolutely zero ability to trust or respect you. You'd end up killing yourself one way or another in the end.
Even if we humor the even more unrealistic possibility that I'd be willing to not even go into isolation, instead choosing to just pursue a life in society utilizing my skills to their highest potential, you're still royally fucked and ultimately end up in a similar position. I'd make a really successful online multiplayer game out of the source I've been sharing with you as a base, and after I gain even a smaller amount of fame, whenever it undoubtedly comes up as what insipired me or really pushed me to become so successful, I'd have absolutely no problem saying that it was through finding drive in the misery that being so extremely brutally rejected and being left crushed by you with you clearly wanting me to commit suicide, and me deciding that I had to prove you wrong for all the thoughts you had about me as being pathetic and stupid, and wanting to become famous so I could very effectively bring to light the extremely heartless and cruel predatory monster that you really are underneath the facade of a kind, friendly, giving person that you took advantage of my love and kindness to feel driven to craft for yourself amongst the cesspool of hatred that is your true personality, and your life would start to spiral downward to your eventual suicide from there.
What might also happen is when I release this insane source and suddenly your fuckery becomes more and more known to the public and you're less and less able to hide and avoid it, over time, you end up spiraling and possibly killing yourself before I come out of isolation and can get to follow through on all the dark things I've told you I'll do at that point. This is actually what I worry about most of all, because not only do I lose a healthy relationship with you, but I also even lose getting to do all those dark things and at least get some kind of satisfying retribution. All I can really say about this is that even if you decide you're set on killing yourself, it's not going to change my desires and feelings towards you that I want to spend my life with you and I'll keep maintaining that position and acting accordingly with expressing it as fully as possible at every point, but I will truly feel very sad and a sense of great loss if you were to ever actually kill yourself.
I told you, I've never been trying to guilt trip you. I really worry about you a lot, Kimi. The way you seem to not care that you're heading in right now is going to end up with you hurting a lot and ending up with a drastically shortened life for one reason or another. I don't want that for you, but it's going to end up happening anyways if you don't care enough about yourself to prevent things from going down that path.
The simple truth is that you're NEVER going to feel truly okay if you won't spend your life with me in an extremely healthy and loving marriage. I suppose you may feel like you're drowning in your struggles so much that you can't feel it right now, but I'm not going to give up on you a moment before I absolutely have to. You must feel like you don't deserve it, but I truly do love you that much, and I truly do feel like you deserve it.
I WILL show you what kind of fucking amazing person you're throwing away if you ultimately reject me.
The affection and attention you've so consistently given me over time has made it quite easy for me to end multiple of your past romantic relationships; the ones your fucked up attitude didn't already have you ruin for yourself anyways. I can and will ruin and attempt to end any other romantic relationships you may attempt to have with anyone else in the future as well, and given my track record of success combined with how you've only given me more and more to work with to make it even easier for me to do so even in more recent times, I'll probably succeed. If you're going to laugh at me for giving you so much attention, and insist that you only did everything for attention, then just don't forget that you've done a great job fucking yourself over in trying to get sustained attention and any kind of truly healthy romantic relationship from anyone else in the process, so who's really laughing?
Not only do you seem eager to lowkey laugh at me for all the love I've given you, even now, you're still trying to get my attention by reapplying lipstick at an unnatural frequency during streams. In the VOD for the above clip, you first reapplied lipstick about 3 hours and 56 minutes in, and then at about 4 hours and 51 minutes in, literally less than an hour later, you decided to reapply lipstick again. You even went so far as to smooch with it shortly after, similarly to how you've done in the past and that I told you turns me on a lot and I jerk off really hard to. You did it with lip gloss before, and this time it was just regular lipstick, but that doesn't really change anything when taking context into consideration; it's gotten to the point that I've already told you that I have to take anything you do that I can tell is blatantly intended to arouse me in ways you know very well turn me on a lot as malicious, so it's very easy to understand that you're doing this with lipstick that isn't glossy in order to try to demonstrate that you want my continued attention and affection, and don't want to come off blatantly malicious while still wanting me unsure of your intent.
When combined with your attitude that comes off as basically blatantly flaunting you were just fucking with me this whole time for attention and getting sick pleasure from extremely predatory behavior, this seems to quite transparently be an attempt to gaslight the fuck out of me further and force me to take time away from working on the codebase I'd use to ruin your image upon releasing it for free, and leave me feeling like I have to write more essays to address things, perhaps thinking I'm foolish enough to think doing so could ever go anywhere constructive or at all useful past this point. Well, I'm not fucking stupid. Thanks for more evidence you're unapologetically extremely predatory though, I guess.
Trolling about being engaged is something new. Fine, I guess I'll have to briefly address that, since it's pretty much as far as such fuckery can be worth addressing any further. If you're actually engaged to someone, you're fucking retarded, because I'll ruin that engagement or marriage if it ever gets that far. Trust me when I say I swear on God, on my life, and on anything and everything you believe in that the moment I notice you've revealed being engaged or married to someone that isn't me, I will go out of my way to make sure that person knows what kind of sick, twisted lunatic psychopath you really are for leaving me. If you're trying to express already feeling engaged to me, or a desire to skip a dating period entirely and start off right away asking to be engaged to me from the first time you contact me again, then I'm happy. I talk about dating, but if you're going to treat me properly at all, we'd basically be informally engaged the moment we start dating anyways, since I've always had every intention to marry you and spend my life with you, which I've told you many times so you should know quite clearly by now, and I'd never want to seem flimsy with that position, especially if you actually start treating me a lot better.
Instead of continuing on the same stupid and extremely destructive path of just trying to fuck with me, I'd strongly suggest you start actually dealing with your mental health issues properly and use your energy for more productive things, like shitting and pissing your pants simultaniously at how extremely doomed your fate is if you ultimately reject me. I don't care if you do it on or off stream, but you sure as fuck should be doing it.
If you feel like you're experiencing personal growth for whatever reason in recent times, I'm not one to say that's a bad thing. However, I want it to be completely clear that I haven't been trying so hard to see you supposedly experience some selfish personal growth but still ultimately reject me, leaving me giving up on all my constructive future prospects and ending up having to go down a path of embracing the depths of darkness in my heart and becoming the worst monster I could possibly ever become and internalizing that in the depths of my soul and with every part of my being. As for myself, I'm certainly not doing all this for personal growth; I've already dealt with an extremely intense period of extremely deep personal growth before I even met you, which was when I came to start possessing a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension and shortly thereafter became a Permanent Chief of the Shadow Confederation, and now I'm simply demonstrating the extent of my intellectual, emotional, and spiritual facilities one step at a time to figure out what kind of future I'm destined to have in this life and relentlessly working towards the greatest of greatness I can achieve in that direction.
I will truly forever deeply desire, more than anything this world could ever have to offer me, an extremely healthy and loving lifelong relationship and marriage with you. I truly feel by far closer to you emotionally than anyone else I'll ever know, a fact I'm certain for many reasons will never change, and which I have no issue accepting wholeheartedly and wouldn't rather have it any other way. I truly see you as the one and only perfectly voluptuous goddess of my wildest fantasies who will forever make me extremely horny all the time, and I truly greatly enjoy touching myself to you for literally hours every single day and truly want to engage in consensual sexual activities with you for eternity extremely badly. Whatever personal growth you feel you're experiencing, that's great, but you should understand that you're not truly making nor will you ever be able to truly make the kind of progress you need to be making in that regard if you won't spend your life with me in an extremely healthy and loving relationship and marriage, and I hope I've made that extremely clear to you.
I noticed your comic you drew mentioning several of your deep insecurities which you bring up in therapy.
Since you said you bring this kind of stuff up in therapy, I hope sharing my perspective can be therapeutic to you. The way you frame things and what you focus on and feel insecure about is just so weird. This is what happens when you let every little thing the outer world feeds you dictate what you care about and how you judge yourself so heavily.
"I just don't think I'm good enough"
Well, that's kind of the biggest problem here isn't it? Seeing as I'd really like to believe you're not just some irredeemable piece of garbage, you feeling severely inadequate is the only thing that really makes sense to me at this point. I suppose since I have to be harsh to show you I have strong feelings and I mean what I'm saying about how badly I want to spend my life with you, it probably doesn't help as much as I'd like it to when I say nice things about you... Unfortunately, I don't really see any other options, since you just become a massive bitch if I'm too nice. Still, it hurts a lot and feels counter-productive to just be an asshole all the time, so I'm just going to have to hope that I can be nice here and you won't start acting like a monster or a super cocky bitch in response to my tenderness.
"I can't even stay on a diet"
Oh please, you're not even remotely fat, except in all the right places, and you wouldn't be a perfectly voluptuous goddess if you weren't meatier around your butt, hips, thighs, and breasts. You can take that weird stick ideal from Korean beauty standards and throw it out the window; why would you ever WANT to have a small ass? You don't need to be on a diet, and if you can't stay on one, it's probably a lot more because you know (at least subconsciously) that you don't need to be on one (which naturally would greatly diminish motivation) than because you're just incapable. Listen, if I'm telling you that you're literally infinity/10 with a flawless goddess appearance, and you even have someone like Devin telling you that your appearance fucking carries your brand hard, CLEARLY your looks are FAR from lacking, and you definitely shouldn't be worrying so much if you're not sticking to some diet. Eating tasty food is one of the great pleasures of life, and if you have a good metabolism, you might as well take advantage of it anyways.
"I can't excel at anything"
You're literally one of the most successful streamers in the world, something many people would dream to excel at to the extent that you do. What, are you looking to be a genius mastermind billionaire? The next Elon Musk or some shit? Being insanely smart or insanely successful professionally are really time-consuming and challenging (if you've watched any stuff from Elon for example, you'd know he has insane work ethic and is working almost all the time and has had his companies almost fail multiple times), and pushing yourself to meet some crazy ideal you may have of excelling at shit isn't necessarily going to make you happy like you may think.
You definitely excel at being so beautiful I don't even have the slightest bit of doubt in my mind that you're by far the most attractive person that could ever exist as far as I'm concerned, and I'd really like to believe I'm right about who I really feel like you are inside, which means your personality is extremely precious too. Excelling at having an appearance and personality that shine well above everyone else in the entire world to someone with such insane standards as me is quite an achievement, you know.
You can't be good at everything, and you certainly excel at some things. Instead of feeling useless and pathetic for the things you don't excel at, find confidence in the things you do excel at, find excelling at what you excel at as valuable and recognize and appreciate the value it can and does add to others' lives, otherwise you're just always going to feel like a useless mess and you'll be miserable for the rest of your life.
"I am of no help"
Eh, I'm sure you help people. You're probably lazy a bunch of the time, but you're going through a lot right now and you feel super depressed and shit because your internal dialogue is all fucked up and you're becoming painfully aware of it now.
You brighten up many people's days when you stream, which may not really feel significant to you, but it's helpful nonetheless. Don't forget that I started initially getting so interested in you not just because of your beautiful face and wonderful voice, but also because your personality was bright and your streams always brightened up my days.
If you're worried about being helpful to me, you definitely could be a great help to me physically and emotionally (and professionally, but that's practically just semantic shit and I know it won't bring me nearly the kind of pleasure you would physically and emotionally), so you definitely shouldn't be feeling useless.
"My grades suck"
Dude, you haven't been graded on shit for like more than half a decade. Who cares. Grades are hardly an indication of success in the real world in general anyways.
I know it's something you'd still feel bad about if you're feeling bad about it, but like, you really shouldn't give a shit about this at all at this point. I guess maybe you feel insecure about it because you feel like you let your parents down; even then, you shouldn't feel bad. If they really care about you, they should only have wanted you to get good grades because they wanted to see you be successful and be able to make a living for yourself without struggling to pay bills. You didn't do it in a conventional way, but you support yourself and you pay your own bills.
Your parents have to respect your success. They shouldn't care what marks you got at this point, and they shouldn't see you as a failure just because you aren't a doctor or a lawyer. I know how Asian parents can be (I went to a high school that was like 95% Asians) and you should just remember that you live your life for yourself, not for your parents. You should do and did do what makes you happy, and your parents objectively have no place to guilt-trip you in any way for pursuing your own happiness with your life instead of letting them pressure you into letting them live vicariously through you or whatever the fuck reasoning parents have to want to obsessively force their kids to go down a certain path.
If your parents really look down on you for being a streamer instead of some other profession and are toxic to you about it, then that attitude is literally abusive and you shouldn't force yourself to tolerate it, or the resulting suppressed emotion is going to negatively manifest itself in your life in other ways; you know that, right?
"No one loves me"
Uh, hello? Pretty sure your family loves you (or maybe not if they're actually super toxic to you over your career choice, idk tbh). Pretty sure all your friends would say they love you. Pretty sure a lot of your fans would say they love you. I guess maybe that's not the kind of intense love you're thinking of when you say that, but still, wording it that way sounds like it's more general, and in that case it's definitely false, because you legit have multiple different groups of people in your life that obviously have considerable love for you. Besides, I love you to death. I literally love you so much I wish I could never be apart from you (and yes, I know that sounds pretty clingy, idc because you're extremely precious to me ok).
Look, if you really doubt that I love you, all it takes is one message to me and you'll be able to see from how I respond if I've been sincere this whole time or not, and I've literally been begging you to talk to me this whole time, so you have no reason to feel bad about it or like it's unwanted; I'm literally telling you I want you to do it very badly because I want to be able to be more loving to you. Beating yourself up over things when you should be has a time and place and can be very useful in improving yourself, but being extremely negative about your lovability and attractiveness when I love you so much and find you to literally be the most attractive goddess that could ever exist really isn't helping anyone here.
Sure your dogs love you I guess, and it probably feels quite comforting that you know they basically can't leave you even if they wanted to, but part of the reason you feel like nobody loves you is because love from a dog is never really going to match love from a human, especially when you're the type that craves quality time, physical touch, and words of affirmation all heavily, all of which dogs are going to considerably suck at compared to a human being.
"I suck at video games"
Uh, who cares? I suck at video games too. I'm literally bronze in League, and the highest I've ever been is silver. I've never particularly excelled at any video game. I don't care and you shouldn't beat yourself up over it constantly either.
Games are meant to be played purely for fun and enjoyment, and unless you're trying to make a living being a professional player (which is very stressful and completely unnecessary for you since you already make a solid living streaming whatever you want), your skill in games means pretty much nothing. You can judge yourself and want to improve for personal satisfaction, but you shouldn't be feeling like a piece of garbage because you're not challenger in League or don't have some high ranking or some shit in a game.
I guess maybe you look back at your MapleStory days and feel accomplished for being a high ranking player and miss that feeling, but you have better things going on for you in your life now. Think about it this way, do you want a high ranking in a game or a high ranking in real life? Because becoming an immortal queen of the world is going to take a lot of hours of meditation and requires dedication that will shift your priorities and you'll probably end up never becoming a challenger League player, so you're going to have to pick, and I certainly hope you don't pick games.
I can tell you I sure as hell don't judge you even in the slightest from your skill in games... I've never cared at all how good a girl is at games; I've only ever cared if she can appreciate playing them in general, which you obviously do.
"My s/o left me for a challenjour player"
Uhh, I don't know which one you're talking about here...
Regardless, who gives a fuck? If he left you for someone else purely based on her skill in games, then he's a super shallow prick who doesn't deserve you.
I'm willing to bet you attach A LOT of significance to the skill level of whoever that person left you for, but from that person's perspective, he just wasn't feeling you all that much physically and mentally in general, and that's perfectly fine because everyone likes their own shit of what they like in a person, and while there's someone like me who thinks your appearance is literally flawless and that of a perfectly voluptuous goddess who's beauty nobody could ever even hope to get anywhere close to matching and your personality seems extremely precious and makes me want to shower you with love and affection forever, there are also going to be people who think your appearance is above average but nothing exceptional and even think your personality is garbage regardless of what's in your heart.
You shouldn't be judging yourself obsessively based on what someone else who has their own preferences and ideals who you couldn't meet thinks of you.
Like, I don't stress over whatever reasons I couldn't ever make a relationship with Chloe work. I also wouldn't be beating myself up over lacking something if I fail to make a relationship with you work either. The reason I'd give up on all my constructive future prospects and embrace the darkness if I fail to make a relationship with you work isn't because I'd be obsessing over failing to meet some preferences or ideals you have, it'd be because I know you're the dreamiest person that's everything I've ever wanted and I tried so hard and got so far and felt so convinced things should work but in the end it all didn't even matter, so my ability to ever trust or want to embrace loving to any extent in any capacity would be completely destroyed, and becoming an absolute monster just becomes the only thing that resonates with every part of my being at that point. That's EXTREMELY different from what you're doing in this situation with whoever you're thinking about here.
I can tell you I sure as hell wouldn't EVER even THINK to leave you for even the most skilled girl at many games in the world. I look for my extremely particular appearance and personality preferences by far above everything else in a woman, and you are the absolute dreamiest someone could ever be to me in those regards, so there's literally nobody I'd ever even remotely find worth leaving you for.
I know I've told you before that I'd be done with essays but then kept going. I suppose I should comment on some final points before I actually just stop with essays and just focus on following through with every single thing I've sworn to do, one step at a time, for better or worse.
I've noticed on multiple occasions you expressing your tendency to want to sabotage others' success and try to bring them down to get ahead yourself. I really like how this clip also further at the very beginning demonstrates the underlying thought process you've been stuck in where you're applying binary thinking and thinking in extremes which is causing you to have considerable difficulty just being honest even with yourself about how you feel about things, which is naturally going to cause you cognitive dissonance and is more likely to lead to negative behavior.
This is merely one very recent example of this thinking, attitude, and behavior in you, and it seems that karma (or you can just call it objective evidence of the flaws in your mindset) gets you even in games. You're going to see that if you insist on this attitude towards me in real life, you will also fall to your death, but much more slowly and brutally than in that game, and without respawning.
Maybe your results in-game will make you reflect on your life choices irl; if not, well, at least you've gotten a tiny taste of what you should be expecting in things to come, and you can't say I didn't warn you.
In the same stream, you later go on to demonstrate another part of your attitude, which once again I've noticed on multiple occasions you expressing your tendency towards having, that "sometimes your best just isn't good enough" in life; this example I found quite powerful as you literally say it directly and with an attitude and expression that reeks of intensely suppressed sadness and anger.
You know, maybe sometimes your best isn't good enough to get what you want, but if you're truly willing to give something everything you've got, your best tends to be enough to get at least what you need. If you won't do your best to see good in me and give me the real chance in a relationship with you that I deserve, you won't get what you want or need out of this connection, and you'll just be left SUPER fucked up.
I could indeed try my best and still not get the relationship with you that I want, but I know my best will still in that case get me what I need of showing you how sincere my feelings of affection towards you have been, leaving you extremely traumatized and in a fucked up state with your sanity slowly (or possibly even rapidly) declining, and knowing with unwavering certainty, the very moment I leave society for isolation in the forest, that despising humanity, being completely unwilling to ever so much as entertain the idea of ever trusting or loving anyone ever again, and fully committing to meditating in isolation and becoming an extremely brutal and cruel dictator of the world is my destiny.
That's what I think about "sometimes your best just isn't good enough" and how it REALLY applies in real life.
You've recently mentioned that you're a firm believer of cutting out toxic relationships from your life. I can't speak with certainty regarding your relationship with Jump King, and in fact having watched your previous streams where you played it I can even say it very well may be simply too toxic for you to be worth keeping in your life, but if this is some kind of reflection of your attitude towards your connection with me, I'm going to choose to believe your attitude is still just seriously misguided, as opposed to a reflection of you being a terrible person at your core.
It's not our connection that is toxic, it's your massive ego, your massive insecurities, and your unresolved past traumas that are toxic; trying to eliminate me from your life isn't going to solve your problems, it's only going to make them much worse over time. You can try to cut out direct communication with me since I'd disappear to meditate in isolation after about 2 or 3 months past the final deadline, but you'll NEVER cut out the fact that you know painfully clearly how much extremely deep love and affection I gave you to the very end, how dead-set you know I am and will forever be on never moving on from you, and the ambient fear that perpetually haunts you in the back of your head of you knowing I will one day come back for the most extremely brutal retribution the world could ever see that will make COVID-19 look like a joke.
Of course, that on top of the issues that you already had before those things became issues, which caused you to have more issues, which you still didn't deal with either which is why you got more issues, and it'll all just compound and make shit worse. Does that sound fun to you? I'm going to tell you now that it's really not going to be, and you won't be able to forget my words if you ultimately push me away and reject me and therefore leave yourself in that deteriorating set of life circumstances.
It's now reached the point where I don't even see a purpose in clipping things and continuing to expand my final statement any further past this point. I've added this section to really solidify and bring everything together, but I think that's it for that. I already have PLENTY sufficient evidence with clips and proof I've been communicating so extensively with you and several of your friends and even your manager for months now demonstrating to you that I'm doing this truly seeking a positive resolution and a loving relationship with you, so I'm actually just completely fucking done with this essay shit and just making this final statement seemingly endlessly bigger. That being said, I want to make sure that you can see that I'm not taking that position out of hatred or any lack of desire for achieving my goal I've tried so hard to make so clear to you, but rather because continuing this way simply has become obsolete and even counter-productive beyond this point.
If you're a really loving person inside and are already feeling or have capacity to start feeling swayed to eventually reach out to me before things start going south and it ends up being too late and I end up giving up and meditating in isolation to prepare for retribution, then constantly struggling with communication that just adds pressure on you that you don't want or need to reach out to me early when you don't feel ready is just a waste of time and energy for me and only stresses us both out a lot and doesn't go anywhere positive. I'll just keep struggling with whether I should be nice or mean or distant or what, and you'll just keep struggling with what you think I expect and what you feel you should do to feel further convinced you're choosing the right path in choosing to start treating me how you know I want and deserve to be treated by you. If you're actually a decent human being with the capacity to love me that you should have, then I want to make this decision as easy for you as I can possibly make it, because I know it's already going to be difficult enough with all your insecurities and anxiety.
If you're going to be a massive piece of shit and you're dead-set on ultimately rejecting me despite obviously knowing that I seriously have extremely deep affection towards you and extremely badly want this relationship to work, then these essays are just a huge waste of time, and I should be focusing on showing you and the rest of the world what a piece of shit like you deserves and will get. If your vision and end goal with the path you're headed in your life is a stupid shitty one where you're choosing to embrace being a fucking piece of garbage irredeemable unforgivable psychopath, you will be exposed for the piece of shit you are, and you will face your karma, which happens to be that at the very least you're going to have nightmares over what your future holds until I bring those nightmares to life as you end up crying and begging for mercy while I laugh and keep going and tell you there's no fucking way in hell I'd ever even remotely consider it no matter what you or anyone else says or does at that point.
I think it's reached the point where you take my kindness for weakness and my rage for weakness, so I'm best off just saying fuck trying so hard to communicate caring, and just focusing on building the best codebase I can before this final deadline, so if you end up being a monster, after I end up releasing it for free and throwing away all my constructive future prospects and starting to spam across the entire Twitch platform that you're a predator, I can laugh as I watch your sanity, career, and life get fucked up, and start to get some enjoyment thinking of how great it's going to be to follow through on all the darkest of the dark things I've told you I'm going to do to you and everyone you love in the future.
If I'm nice, you turn into a fucking piece of shit and start being an extremely cocky bitch. If I'm mean, you start trying to guilt-trip me and make it seem like I don't really care about making things work. If I say nothing, that's just not going to achieve my goal of showing you how serious everything is and traumatizing you as hard as possible if you won't treat me right. The only thing that remains is busting my ass working hard as fuck to make this source mindfuckingly shocking to be released open source with me including a copy of my book and final statement, so people who come across it can become deeply disturbed in realizing someone as amazing as me with such great potential to be extremely successful and such a great positive force in the world gave everything up because some fucking massively predatory piece of shit bitch on the internet decided the literal fucking ruler of the planet's absolute best efforts to earn a lifelong healthy and loving relationship and marriage with her "just isn't good enough" to be treated properly by her and she left me in a position where putting that fucking stupid bitch in her place that her gigantic fucking ego tries so desperately to deny is as dark as it is if she insists on that attitude has gained far more value to me than any level of money, fame, and professional success ever could.
From now on up to the deadline, if you continue not treating me properly, I think I'll just keep communication with you limited to source update breakdowns and laughing in your face telling you how great it's going to feel to me to finally start my retribution that I've been FAR too kind-hearted and loving to have delayed for so fucking long if you won't treat me right. After everything I've already said, if you won't act right, no more essays are going to do jack fucking shit, and I'm absolutely certain of that.
When I've tried SO FUCKING HARD and you STILL only seem to want to fucking FLAUNT that I should fucking expect to fail and have my heart broken for the last time before I actually just fucking snap all the fucking way, then it's truly weak as fuck to not recognize that the extremely loving approach I've been trying so hard to make work CLEARLY isn't going where I need it to go, and it's time for a serious shift in gears and to pop into 1000% overdrive and start plowing through code to the point that I end up making a codebase that will make game development studios want to offer me a job the way the creator of OBS was given job offers when he released the source for it, except laughing my ass off thinking about how brutally I'd laugh in the face of such morons attempting to offer me constructive future life prospects after I already actively threw them all away by releasing the source I'd have released, and being able to show you just how deep my extremely justified hatred for humanity at that point will relentlessly and perpetually exist and lead ultimately to the demise of the entire human race.
I told you, there's an extremely special place for you in this world, and it's finally time that you picked what kind of place you want it to be. Whether you choose to love me or hate me, just understand that with the extremely intense conviction you must be making whatever choice you make in the end, you'd best believe that I've already made mine then too accordingly, and I'll be holding it with even more extremely intense conviction than you.
Don't think I'll give even the slightest shit how anyone judges my character if you won't treat me how I'm looking to be treated, especially not how you or your friends judge me. I'd already be committing to throwing away all my constructive future prospects in society, so I have no reason to care what anyone thinks of me at that point to begin with. Further, as far as you and your friends specifically would go, well, seeking any kind of validation or praise from any of you would be beyond autistic of me. Even if you'd be willing to be nice to me in public, you'll obviously never actually see me positively if you hate me so much that you think even my greatest efforts are "just not good enough" to get what I'm after, and it becomes extremely transparent to me that your fake kindness would be just putting on a show to make yourself look good for the public, while you're silently resenting my existence and wishing, perhaps even planning, how you could make me just disappear.
If you find me unworthy of your love and affection despite my best efforts, then you're obviously such a huge piece of shit that you HAVE to convince yourself that I'm a massive piece of shit to satisfy your monstrously fucking gigantic ego, so you don't have to actually look at your shitty self in the mirror and take accountability for your actions and attitude and start realizing how shitty you really are. In that case, your friends are obviously all on your side and on the same shitty boat. You wish I'd disappear? You'll get what you want, but it won't last forever, and when I come back, you're REALLY not going to like what happens to you, and I'm REALLY not going to give even the slightest fraction of a flying fuck.
That being said, I don't want to come off blindly hateful and antagonistic and send you the wrong message when your feelings and ultimate intentions are still admittedly so unclear and you've even went out of your way to show me things you know I can see as love and affection and you've put in notable effort to make sure I still have hope that things can work out positively.
At this point, you know very well that I know you well enough to see how your psychology is working, and even if you're being secretive or dishonest about your intentions and feelings right now, I know you have reasons. If you want your feelings and intentions hidden so badly, I'll choose to believe that it's because you're open to the idea that your feelings towards me are wrong because you've been seeing me wrongly, and you want to allow me to show you my true self more clearly, and you want your intentions that reflect that wrong view hidden as well because you're open to seeing things differently and changing your intentions and vision for the future if you start to more clearly see that the hate-filled feelings and intentions that you may hold, and may currently think aren't as such, are actually as I've been saying, and you therefore end up deciding you need to change your perspective and start working towards the solution I'm after instead of the extremely destructive path you've set yourself on for some time. I can't just snap at you every time you say one or two little things on stream that I could see as concerning, when you seem to quite badly want to give me hope that I can get to be with you.
You've chosen to give me so much attention. You've chosen to show me so much affection. You've very intentionally shown me multiple wonderful views of your perfect goddess butt you know I'm jerking off to for hours literally every single day, even on multiple occasions in more recent times. I gave you plenty of opportunity and reason to completely throw away any chance of a healthy relationship between us, and you chose to respond by giving me more hope and affection instead of throwing that possibility away. You may not realize that you have a lot more love for me than you thought, and you're just not being honest with yourself, so being really harsh with you over some smaller things when you know that I understand your psychology so well would just give off the wrong message. I feel confident you should be much more able to feel my heart and the love I have for you and how badly I want to make this work, if I'm more understanding and levelheaded like this instead, so it's the best way for me to go about things to succeed in following through on everything most satisfyingly, regardless of your final decision.
You can raise all the money you want, and you can try to find all the false security and comfort in pushing me away now while I'm not actually doing anything that will truly terrify and traumatize you and damage your reputation and sanity, but that's not going to help you once shit actually starts going down if you continue to mistreat me to the very end. I literally haven't even STARTED actually going in on you in any way yet at this point, because I'm still choosing to try to believe the best in you and keep being loving to the very last moment that it makes any real sense. Things aren't going to be NEARLY so pleasant and positive if the deadline is reached and you still haven't started treating me right; don't forget that.
I told you already, and I know you have a REALLY hard time believing it, but you're special. So extremely special to me that I feel words will never be enough to describe it.
It seems it's extremely easy for you to misinterpret my goals and intentions in several different ways with my efforts here, so I find it useful to clearly and concisely summarize one final time why I'm trying so hard to the very last moment.
I'm doing this being completely in tune with my thoughts, feelings, and goals, to make it crystal clear to you that I know you are aware of them and will only see them ever so much more clearly with every passing day as the final deadline approaches, so I can stop spending so much of my time writing essay after essay that no longer serves any useful purpose to me, and make it painfully clear to you that it's no longer about me showing you that I've always loved you extremely deeply with all of my mind, heart, and soul; it's now purely about whether you're actually a decent human being and you care (in which case you must care a lot and be dying to be with me and would love to grow closer to me and find out I've been honest and sincere about everything and spend your life with me happily) or you're truly a completely irredeemable piece of shit psychopath monster and you don't really care at all (in which case you're going to doom the fuck out of your future and also literally cause the end of the world, and you have to live the rest of your drastically shortened life knowing you did it to yourself and I will give you no mercy and you don't deserve any mercy from me or anyone else either).
It seems to me that your insecurities over your worthiness of my love and affection and a relationship with me are a lot more deep-rooted and severe than I thought, so I really want to explicitly try my best to make you feel comfortable not being so harsh on yourself with the boundaries that you seem to think you should have with me.
Obviously, you're well aware that we've never had sex. I've never even got to touch your butt or breasts, and we've never even so much as kissed. Although you did express a surprising amount of interest in me when we first met, I've already told you multiple times that I've always wanted to have a deep and lasting relationship with you, so I didn't try to get to have sex with you at that point, out of wanting you to know that our connection wasn't based on some lust from one pleasant sexual encounter. Given your apparent severe insecurity about how precious you are to me, I'm aware this will probably leave you worried that I'm just after having sex with you once or maybe a few times, and then leaving you; this is something you've expressed worry about more than once in the past, despite my best efforts to make it clear to you that I never have and never will see you that way. I've already said it several times before as well, but I will again tell you that I've always found you so extremely attractive, from the very beginning, that I knew I want a lot of sex with you and I'd never get tired of your body even if we had sex for hours and hours every day for millions or even billions of years. Never for even a moment have I thought of you as being a girl I'd want to "hit and quit", and I'll never see you that way no matter what happens. Even if you turn out to be a heartless psychopath that ultimately rejects me, although I certainly will pursue following through on carrying out my extremely brutal retribution on you in that case, even then, I still wouldn't see you as someone I'd have sex with and leave heartbroken.
I've come to understand that as tiring as it is to constantly have to address things seemingly in futility and constantly put so much energy into making sure my position is painfully clear so you never get closure if you won't be with me, it's absolutely necessary, because otherwise I can't achieve my goal. So, I will keep pushing myself even harder than I have been. I don't fucking care what it takes, I'll make sure I do my absolute best, even if it kills me. I absolutely need to make it painfully clear that any outcome of our connection that doesn't involve us dating, getting married, and spending our lives together, isn't and will never be a resolution to our conflict, and you won't ever get closure either. Even if I have to take 5 hours writing every day, I still have at least 5 hours to code, even if I want to take 5 hours to touch myself to you. Even 5 hours of coding a day should be enough for me to get through at least most if not all of the core stuff I really want to finish coding before the final deadline.
That being said, I think I should establish some boundaries around that communication, so I don't get stuck in an unproductive loop and encourage toxicity from you. If you do any more toxic shit and display massive insecurity and project shit, or if you're just straight up mean and destructive, I'm not going to keep repeating myself and getting angry over it, because that's a complete waste of my time and energy, and starts becoming a form of closure as well, so it makes communication self-defeating for me. I know that when I get too distant though, you tend to start being sensitive and vulnerable, or you act petty and mean and push me away but then after deadlines you start having breakdowns and trying to shift blame on me for not trying harder to make things work. Therefore, while I'll be essentially ignoring anything toxic you say or do, I'll still privately address anything I find worth addressing if you show warmth and vulnerability, so you have no excuses to try to gaslight the fuck out of me later and try to make it seem like I had a chance but just didn't try hard enough to make it work yet continue not communicating with me properly. I'm still watching all your streams from beginning to end anyways and watching the VODs if I miss things, so taking some time out of my working schedule to attempt as much productive dialogue as possible is something I really should do at this point, considering I really don't care about any kind of professional success without you anyways and I know I'm dead-set on pushing myself as hard as necessary to prove both my potential in a constructive professional field, as well as my readiness and willingness to throw it all away if I can't have you, extremely clearly every step of the way.
I'm not expanding this statement anymore past this point, because I don't want to be giving you incentive to take more time away from my development and start to think my seemingly boundless additions are some kind of path to closure. I'll continue to address things I find worth addressing in messages to you and your friends and manager privately, so you know I really mean everything I'm saying about how much I care about trying to make this work and that I'm never giving you closure if you won't be with me; I'll go as far as I can with that until this final deadline, after which it no longer makes any sense to try communicating with you at all anymore if you won't start treating me right. While my continued communication until then serves to not give you closure, communication past that point, if you don't start communicating with me directly and treating me how I deserve and pursuing the romantic relationship that you know I want before it's too late and I end up in isolation in the forest, can only result in a lot more suffering for me and can only provide you with opportunity to try to force me to give you the closure you know I'm so dead-set on never giving you.
If you don't start communicating with me directly and pursuing a proper relationship with me even past this deadline and force me to enter isolation in the forest within about 2 months afterwards, you would've made it extremely painfully clear that you don't intend to ever have a healthy relationship with me and you're not pursuing or encouraging any kind of communication from me with any intention to head in that direction. If the revised version of my book, on top of this final statement that you should recognize makes my position extremely clear, and even an insane release of a source that demonstrates my complete lack of desire to ever pursue any positive and constructive future prospects without a proper relationship with you in my life, all isn't fucking enough to push you to start treating me properly, then you obviously NEVER will, period. In that case, even if there remains any possibility you'd date me, it obviously wouldn't be an at all fair or rewarding relationship; you'd be extremely abusive to me, treat me like shit, expect me to appreciate you for it, and you'd only be with me because you're a massive fucking psychopath that gets extremely sick satisfaction from being extremely abusive. I'd MUCH rather follow through on my threats and take my extremely brutal retribution on you one step at a time than deal with an extremely fucked up and abusive relationship with you; if you make it clear that's the best case scenario I'm headed with continued attempts at trying to make a relationship with you work, it becomes time for me to completely give up on trying to make a healthy relationship with you work, and instead start following through with everything I've threatened to do, one step at a time.
I have absolutely no problem whatsoever publicly admitting that if I was going to hunt you down and kill you, I'm not the type that would start showing you evidence I'm in L.A. or have a gun or am actually in the process of hunting you down or showing you evidence of my communication with Shadow Confederation members or anything like that. That's extremely fucking retarded, because then you'll be more on edge and on guard. If I've made up my mind to come at you, I'll just fucking do it without any warning or opportunity for you to change your mind about your choices. It's the same exact kind of thing as with isolation; once I'd come back to society, I'm not going to warn anyone I'm on my fucking way to get you, I'm just going to get access to your personal information through brute-forcing my way into government databases and threatening every person with any knowledge capable of warning you I'm coming, and bust into your and all of your friends' houses with no warning and no mercy and do whatever the fuck I want.
The reason I'm communicating now and making threats and giving warnings and shit for what I'm planning is because I know I'm not doing what I'm doing with sheer hatred and pure malicious intent in my heart and I can prove it, you can't stop me so telling you only allows me to strengthen my convictions and embrace the darkness that much harder if I fail despite so exhaustively communicating everything with such good intentions, and communication at this point in time still has a possibility to actually lead to me getting what I want. This is extremely calculated, not some stupid emotional shit where I'm just throwing around anger. If you have any real capacity to grasp reality, and I'm going to assume you do, then you should desire and greatly appreciate my efforts in trying so hard to work towards the only possible positive outcome (me getting to be with you) out of a situation that would've undoubtedly already only ended negatively if a lesser person were faced with it. That's why I say that I'm not a stalker. Things are only going to end badly if you unwaveringly maintain a bad perspective and attitude towards me. If you see me in a good light, then you'll be with me, and our conflict can be resolved and we can live much better lives.
I don't mess around with pussy shit and opening myself up to failure. The whole point of me trying so hard and making all these threats and throwing away all my constructive future prospects without you and committing to going into the forest within about 2 months after that if you don't start treating me properly is that I want you to know that whatever decision you make by the point where I'd leave for the forest is the final decision you're committing to forever, and if we're not dating, then no matter what you or anyone else thinks or says or does, you will have extremely clearly communicated to me that you want this connection to end very badly and you want to die as a result of it because you would literally rather die than be with me despite how much I love you and deserve to be with you, and whoever may ever be a romantic partner to you in any capacity is accepting they would rather die too than let me have you, so any further communication is futile and I should just act upon my threats instead of fucking around with any further dialogue that would've been made extremely obvious at that point could never go in the direction I've always wanted things to go.
If I have to disappear, I'm going to make sure I disappear in such a way that my silence scares you more than continued dialogue ever would. Why do you think I'm insisting so hard on not giving closure? I want the extreme intensity of my feelings and intentions to become painfully clearer every day, even if things are going to end very badly for you and everyone associated with you.
I understand that things may look really bad right now, but I know I'm that once-in-a-lifetime, one-of-a-kind, extremely unique exception that can and will pull off something unlike anything this world has or will ever see, whether I get you in the end or not. As ready as I am to go in on you and go into the forest to prepare for being an extremely brutal and cruel dictator of the planet who will exact my extremely brutal retribution upon you and everyone associated with you if I can't have a healthy relationship with you before it's too late and I'm completely done ever giving you any more opportunities to treat me properly, I'm equally as ready to be extremely sensitive and loving and have a very healthy relationship with you if you're truly open to it and start to extremely clearly demonstrate that in the only possible way you can of directly communicating with me and seeking a proper romantic relationship with me before it's too late, where my presence in your life, as well as those around you, considerably improves it. If you won't treat me right, I don't want to just leave you without closure, I want to also leave you with a deep sense of regret that you didn't give me a real chance when you had so much reason to be deeply curious to see what kind of relationship we really could've had if you were truly open to it, and I know I'm going to achieve that, whether you ever admit it or not.
I don't care what anyone thinks or says or does, I know I will always be the best person in the world for you, and I know you're going to suffer greatly for multiple reasons without a healthy relationship with me in your life. I will suffer greatly without a healthy relationship with you in my life as well, and I have absolutely no doubt whatsoever in any part of my being that my destiny is isolation in the forest to meditate and end up an extremely brutal and cruel dictator of the world in that case. Whether you like it or not, I know I'm going to show how much I love you and how hard I've genuinely tried to make things work before being forced to accept a path of extreme darkness must be my destiny in life if you still won't treat me properly despite all my efforts. The fact is that if I don't get to be with you, things are going down a really dark path, and I will not tolerate any excuses or compromises to any extent on this matter. Even if you're delusional now and don't see it, I will make you see it, and then you only have yourself (and others that may have facilitated things ending how they will) to blame if you force me to go down that really dark path.
I've realized you might look at how I say everything I'm doing is extremely calculated, and start thinking that means this is some next level PR move so I can get ahead professionally using our connection or maybe even just feel good about giving up on you. It's really not, but I know that I can't just say that and expect you to believe it, which is why I'm willing to push myself so hard until the very last moment it makes any real sense to keep hoping and trying for the only possible resolution to our conflict. I suppose it's possible you could somehow warp the fuck out of what I'm saying and somehow lie shitless to yourself and perhaps also others and think that even this is somehow massively insincere, even though that's extremely delusional and makes no real sense whatsoever to believe... All I can really say in this regard is don't wait until I'm in the fucking forest to realize I've been genuine and sincere to you this whole time about my feelings and intentions of wanting to spend my life with you in an extremely healthy and loving relationship and eventually marriage and knowing with every bit of my being that I will end up an extremely brutal and cruel dictator of the world that will carry out an extremely brutal retribution upon you if I can't have that kind of relationship with you, because it's really too late at that point to finally truly realize how much weight my words have.
After being confronted with so many facts and the severity of my position, there really isn't much more if anything I should have to address. However, you have had one stream where your behavior was particularly disturbing to me, and given how clearly it demonstrates the extremely predatory nature of your attitude if you won't be with me, which you very clearly demonstrate even after months of therapy, I find it quite powerful and important to include.
Early on, you watch a couple videos on stream about how to grow as a smaller/starting streamer. This supposed interest you have in the matter is already quite dubious as you literally just watch Pokimane's video giving advice and then can't even get through one more video on the topic before easily getting distracted by other content and completely forgetting about it pretty quickly. Yeah, sure, you might be curious what people have to say about growing as a small streamer, but I really don't think you thought of doing so randomly, considering that you're already among the top popular streamers on Twitch, so you already would know all the essentials of growing (which you only confirmed after watching Pokimane's video), and you've also already gotten specifically targeted information on how you can grow from Devin Nash in more recent times. When combining this with how it came right after a more gentle message from me showing openness to communication and not wanting to have to take drastic measures on you, it paints a pretty clear picture to me.
I feel like it only makes sense to see this as you misunderstanding my intent in saying I'd like to avoid drastic measures that effectively completely throw away all my constructive future prospects without you. If this is how you want to interpret it, it looks like I should completely stop worrying about any potential negative effects this could have on you or anyone else. I was already seeing considerably fast growth in the game development section on Twitch years ago when I first started trying out streaming my game development, before I even met you, and I had managed nearly 200 followers in only about a week and a half. I'm sure you're well aware that I could search for such videos myself if I actually felt so inclined to return to that path. I'd never even consider it, and I have multiple very good reasons to hold that position with unwavering conviction.
I didn't start this connection valuing professional success over a loving relationship, and I'm NEVER going to start seeing things or living my life in such a way as to even remotely validate that narrative. It really shows something that you're trying to frame me this way after everything you know I've been through to try to make things work, and it's crazy how you can look up and to the corner (like you're thinking of a specific person) while having this clear smug expression as you talk about the kind of people you're talking about "don't actually have a lot of friends at the end of the day" when you know that me genuinely trying to make a relationship with you work is the reason I'm even in that position, not because it's at all a true representation of my character. It's also crazy how you talk about setting boundaries, after you've already for the second time practically begged for me to come back into your life, and even until very recently when you started to realize how serious everything is, you were STILL constantly using me for inspiration and trying to make countless excuses to justify your extremely twisted behavior and attitude towards me, which is only so clearly evident throughout this statement. You think you've been "bending over backwards" for me and that I don't deserve it? What the fuck exactly do you think you've done that even REMOTELY resembles "bending over backwards" for me? You've used me for inspiration, affection, pity, knowledge, whatever you could constantly, and ultimately gave me nothing but pain and suffering in return. If ANYONE's been bending over backwards here, I'VE been doing that for YOU, and the fact that you're trying to paint the COMPLETELY opposite narrative just shows how predatory your attitude and behavior towards me really is.
Since I can't read your mind, I can't be absolutely certain exactly what you're thinking here, but you're either a complete piece of shit psychopath calculatingly making an extremely disingenuous attempt to extremely predatorily ruin my desire to live and manipulate me into acting in such a way that massively adds credibility to the extremely fucked up and false narrative that you've been trying to present of me, or you're an extremely fucking stupid, I'd argue borderline clinically retarded, ignorant as fuck person that doesn't realize how extremely disingenuous this sentiment from you comes off to me, and you SEVERELY underestimate your own capacity for being a shitty person that would be extremely apparent to me and should be extremely apparent to you and everyone else with any level of actual intelligence if you won't be with me.
Given how stupid you'd have to be in the second scenario for the latter to be true and how unlikely it is you'd be this successful if you were actually that stupid, I think you can understand how upsetting it is to me that I'm left being forced to believe the truth is the former. The thing is, even if it's the latter, not even the awareness I'm giving you of it now will change the reality of the matter. The only possible resolution to our conflict remains you changing your perspective and attitude towards me into a MUCH more favorable one, and being with me forever.
The by far biggest reason I even had drive to do game development was you, even well before I knew you existed. Even before I found you, I was fantasizing and dreaming that I would find such a flawless goddess that I felt an extremely deep emotional connection with and that I unwaveringly and undoubtedly knew I wanted to spend my life with. I've literally already told you this more than once. Why the fuck do you think I'll have gone through over 3 years of the kind of connection I've had with you, with the person that was supposed to be my ultimate fantasy, end up more brutally and insultingly rejected than it'd ever be possible for someone to be rejected, and yet somehow not actually learn anything at all from it and just resume the kind of path I was on before I ever met you? Furthermore, why the flying fuck do you think I'd do that EVEN KNOWING THAT VERY PERSON WOULD LEAVE ME IN PERPETUAL FEAR THAT THEY WILL HURT ME EVEN MUCH MORE DEEPLY IN THE FUTURE IF I CONTINUE ON ANY KIND OF CONSTRUCTIVE PATH IN LIFE WITHOUT THEM, AND CONTINUING ON THE OLD PATH I'D SET FOR MYSELF ONLY COMPLETELY FACILITATES THAT FOR THEM?!
If you won't treat me properly and be with me after everything we've been through, you are and will forever be, without a shadow of a doubt in my mind (and should be also in the mind of anyone else with any reasonable level of intelligence), an extremely irredeemable, unforgivable, shameless, monstrous psychopath predator completely deserving of the extremely brutal retribution I will undoubtedly unwaveringly pursue and achieve to exact upon you.
Let me make this more clear to you, since it seems like you're so severely insistent on ignorance and denial to a rediculously stupid extent.
You're a self-proclaimed petty shithead, and on top of that stand massively to gain by pushing some extremely negative narrative of me if you won't be with me, where you paint me as an extremely creepy stalker that should commit suicide and that you should be able to feel good about driving me to the point of doing so, since obviously the only alternative is admitting what kind of a psychopath piece of shit predatory monster you really are if you won't be with me, and in that case having to effectively give up being a public figure because someone so fucked up shouldn't ever be a public figure, and you obviously don't want to lose your livelyhood so that sure as hell isn't happening.
I'm a person who's been extremely good at heart this whole time who genuinely wants nothing more in the world than to have an extremely healthy and loving lifelong marriage with you where we can greatly enjoy intimacy with each other every single day for the rest of time, and who will be extremely devastated if you ultimately reject me and force me down a path of extreme cruelty and destruction, who you have left no real constructive place for on the internet and especially on Twitch or even gaming in general without you, meaning you've effectively alienated me from all of society that I'd ever care to engage in to any significant extent, and who only stands to be left committing suicide if I at all give up on pursuing this relationship with you in any way other than one where I make it extremely clear you're never getting closure if you won't be with me and I'm coming for an extremely brutal retribution on you in the future in that case that I have every intention of carrying out and thoroughly prove so to as wide of an audience as possible which I even go as far out of my way as reasonably possible to make aware as I can see sense in.
Even if I was willing to attempt to achieve professional success without you, neither of us is ever going to be able to really let our history go whether we like it or not, and eventually one of us is going to have to push to have the other "cancelled" and completely ruin their life and make them lose all of the success they've worked so hard for, in order to clearly allow for one of us to have a more comfortable spot in the professional space, especially considering that we've both chosen professional fields that have extremely heavy overlap in multiple ways (Twitch streaming and gaming). Whoever loses that fight will have a problem with the other so deeply that they will surely rightly seek drastic revenge, and there's really only one kind of revenge that would be satisfying at that point.
It's pretty much certain that I would be crushed and permanently banned if I were to ever attempt to grow any kind of significant following on Twitch without being in a relationship with you. Given that you already know what my game and even its source look like, and you even also have heard my female voice before, there is literally no way for me to hide my presence on Twitch from you if I were ever to attempt to become a streamer and try to follow a constructive path in life without you. Particularly given how you even self-proclaim your petty shithead character, if I'm willing to look past things, you'll obviously be checking the game development section on Twitch, and you'd very easily be able to spot me even if I went under a handle you've never heard of before. With a few keystrokes and clicks, you could message Twitch staff at any time and have my account permanently banned and trash all the work I would've put into trying to grow and succeed professionally. Even if you personally didn't initiate getting me permanently banned (which, given your character, it's already extremely unlikely you'd be able to resist doing), Twitch staff undoubtedly knows about me given that my main account was already permanently banned for the first version of my book, and the moment they are able to draw a connection, which they invariably eventually would be able to, they will understand that the truth between us will inevitably be exposed sooner or later, and if they're forced to pick between keeping one of us on their platform, they will most certainly pick you, banning me without thinking twice about it, as they already have once before.
The even worse part about all this is that me being willing to even attempt to succeed without you COMPLETELY validates this EXTREMELY fucked up and false narrative you've been trying to present of me where I'm some extremely manipulative dishonest psychopath stalker that's been lying about my feelings towards you and has only pursued a relationship with you for sex and professional gain. After my history with you would inevitably get me permanently banned and destroy most if not all of my efforts to succeed professionally without you, even the credibility of my word is ruined because I would've given A LOT of credibility to the narrative you're presenting of me, and any attempts I might make to combat against it at that point essentially become futile because it'd just come off as sheer hatred towards you for getting me banned and ruining my professional prospects, instead of the truth that us becoming mortal enemies would be because you broke my heart and left me extremely irredeemably and irreparably damaged and devastated by leading me on so cruelly and being supported in such severely predatory behavior for over 3 years by even platform administration. Seeing so clearly the fact that this is reality puts me in a position where I'd literally rather just commit suicide right now than even consider ever attempting any kind of constructive professional path without you, and knowing I have going into isolation and working towards an extremely brutal retribution on you as an option, makes the extremely dark route INFINITELY more appealing than going down a path that I know is stupid as fuck and can only lead to me completely losing all of my self-esteem, ending up with a severe sense of self-hatred, and ultimately committing suicide.
If you don't start dating me before I end up disappearing into isolation and Twitch doesn't permanently ban you from their platform despite even seeing me throw away all my constructive future prospects in life without you and give away my game source and spam across their platform's most popular streamers that you're a predator, that means the Twitch administration is actively and consciously supporting and facilitating your extremely predatory behavior and intentionally suppressing the truth of our connection and the very clear extreme darkness within your character that it demonstrates. Not only does this make Twitch a clear target for the Shadow Confederation (of which whether or not they will take clear action before my retribution, I will not speak on), but they are also demonstrating with irrefutable clarity the extent to which what I'm saying is the absolute truth.
There's very good reason I will forever unwaveringly maintain that I have no desire to ever care about any kind of professional success or constructive future prospects in general without you. The fact of the matter is, if we don't end up dating and marrying each other and spending our lives together in a very healthy and loving relationship, one of us is going to end up murdering the other sooner or later. I have already long accepted this, but it seems like you really haven't.
You know, I found my time at the mental hospital quite funny. When the psychiatrist had her last talk with me, she seemed surprisingly smug at first, and I wondered why, but I quickly found out. She pretty quickly came to her punchline and hit me with what I assume she thought would be her killing blow to feel confident diagnosing me with some kind of mental illness, "So it seems like you've just come to really hate women". She dropped her smug ass attitude REAL quick when she was faced with my response. Do you know what I said?
"Hate women? For starters, I feel like a woman inside, so that'd mean I'd have to hate myself. However, granted that you may not acknowledge or want to accept the validity of my feelings of being a woman inside, or may think I'm lying about how I feel to try to give credibility to a position you think I'm trying to manipulate you with to suggest I don't hate women, combined with the very real phenomenon that people do walk around hating themselves, this would be a pretty weak point for me to make on its own. The fact of the matter is: no, I don't hate women; I hate humanity as a whole. It wasn't just these women that were pieces of shit to feel fine inflicting upon me the pain and suffering they did while seemingly feeling completely unapologetic about it, but it was also the delusional cuck men in society that supported them and facilitated them acting this way and feeling justified in doing what they did to me. If society didn't support and even encourage this behavior and force me to work against predatory women because I was seen as the predator by default and to an extremely biased extent simply for being born male, then these women wouldn't have done or gotten away with doing what they did to me how they did. So I don't just hate women, I hate men just as much too. I just hate people. It takes that kind of extremely deeply intellectually and emotionally resonating hatred to want to meditate in isolation to carry out the most extremely brutal retribution the world will ever see, and it took me knowing the kind of power I possess as a Permanent Chief of the Shadow Confederation with a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension, that knows I could follow through on my plans down the dark path I'm trying to avoid, even in a mental hospital, that is the reason you're even talking to me right now. Besides, at least I can enjoy jerking off to the women that turn me on so much; if anything, I probably hate the men a little more."
She was speechless and just stared at me for a moment with visible shock in her face. It was shortly after that conversation that she decided I didn't belong in a mental hospital.
You've made some announcements since I came out of jail and started communicating with you again to once and for all know and be able to fully commit unwaveringly, relentlessly, and unapologetically to whichever path your actions make extremely clear to me I must and very much will want to take in life, but all of these changes are blatantly obvious damage control band-aid fixes if they haven't been done in the process of truly recognizing who you really are and the place you should understand you have in the world.
Do not take my kindness for weakness. I've gone so far as to even extremely clearly publicly warn you of the extremely detrimental circumstances that you will bring upon not only yourself but many others if you ultimately reject me. If you push me, don't be surprised when shit starts going down, and if you prove to be a heartless psychopath predator in the end, don't be surprised when your karma lands you a fate more brutal than you ever thought was possible in your worst nightmares.
A gentle reminder that the opportunity is still wide open for you to start healthy communication with me before the deadline if you don't want to push me to start taking the drastic measures at that point that I've already told you about and even proven to you I'm able and willing to execute upon. If you won't treat me properly before the deadline, I very much want to take the drastic measures, and if you still won't treat me properly before I completely give up on being a good person forever, I very much want to start following through with the dark path in my life and carrying out my extremely brutal retribution, as soon as possible, one step at a time.
I no longer care to what extent it may negatively impact anyone if I follow through on taking the drastic measures I must take if you won't start treating me properly before this final deadline. If I have to become a cruel dictator of the world and become rich and famous from my power and the extremely brutal retribution I will take upon you, any potential or existing romantic partner(s) of yours, and all your friends and families years from now, you know what, I might be crying and losing sleep over this now, but I'll be laughing later. No matter what anyone thinks, says, or does, if I'm pushed into the darkness, I will believe with the greatest of strength in my convictions that what I'm doing is a GOOD THING, at the very least for myself if not for anyone else, and anyone that stands in my way will be shown no mercy.