Through both natural logical deduction, as well as multiple things I've been observing upon my return into Kimi's life and the effects of my efforts to communicate with several close to her to attempt to make my true feelings and position towards Kimi clear, it appears quite clear to me that Chloe has been communicating with them. It also appears quite clear that she's been lying to them SEVERELY.
I'm not sure what she's been saying, obviously, since she hasn't been saying A SINGLE WORD to me in private, nor have I been to her. But I can only imagine that she's lying and claiming such communication is happening and we're being extremely loving and tender with each other and I'm telling her she's the only one for me and I'm just trying to destroy Kimi and all of her friends' lives right now with my efforts. She's probably even lying so boldly and blatantly that she's claiming we're having hours of passionate sex every single day, as she and everyone else knows I obviously extremely deeply desire.
At the same time, she very well might even be lying to the police that I'm communicating directly with her, and straight up forging e-mails supposedly from me, attempting to frame the fuck out of me and trying to get me in even much more severe legal trouble. Knowing this sadistic psycho bitch, I feel almost certain this is the case, whether or not she's communicating with Kimi and her friends. It seems she's so fucking ridiculously delusional that she doesn't understand the reality of the matter.
I'm ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN that my connection with Chloe is absolutely certainly NEVER even POSSIBLY going to result in anything good for either of us, unless I get Kimi.
Although I could regret releasing the initial revision of my book how I did, in all truth, I do not, and I don't think I ever really will. The way things were going with Kimi, she had established what I consider an extremely clear pattern of underhandedly expressing feelings of massive love and affection towards me, yet ultimately being so cold and fake-seeming about them that she extremely brutally pushed me away, and then, upon seeing that my extremely sincere warm and loving feelings for her persisted despite this, ultimately had mental breakdowns in public and started going crazy after a while of me being more distant and obviously preparing a plan to absolutely fuck her up royally and make her forever extremely deeply regret breaking my heart in such a disgustingly brutal and cruel way as it seemed she was set on doing, but upon my extremely sensitive and loving return, only continued to ultimately treat me like shit and attempt to eliminate the immense arousal and attraction towards her I will forever feel, and in a way where she can paint me as the predator and herself as the victim, when in reality, I'm the victim and she's the predator.
If I had not taken an EXTREMELY clearly decisive action to show her this cycle is absolutely unacceptable and I truly no longer found any good reason to tolerate it continuing after clearly having demonstrated the extent of my love and affection for her already by the time I decided to publicly release the initial revision of my book with massive drama, I had EVERY SINGLE POSSIBLE reason to expect that Kimi would only attempt to continue this cycle once again, had I simply hung the threat of releasing this book over her head, and then backed off to give her time to think. Except it would've been even worse, because I would've started coming off like I was enjoying the torture she was inflicting on me, and that I wanted everything to crash and burn and just wanted to torture her in return as much as possible.
Basically, Chloe's never really going to fix her mental health issues unless Kimi fixes her own mental health issues first. And there's absolutely nothing Chloe could ever do about that. The reason I would win this war with both of these women if they force me to start it is because unlike either of them, I truly am completely aware of, acknowledge, and accept the extremely dark nature of either extreme that results in my connection with either woman if they're deathly fixed on their current belief systems, and instead of embracing their extreme or unconditionally pursuing my own extreme, I'm truly seeking the only possible middle ground, which is INFINITELY healthier and more beneficial for everyone involved than what either of these women's existing belief systems they live their lives according to would produce.
If, despite my greatest possible efforts to reveal this to them, they are so destructively and suicidally fixed on their disgustingly gigantic, seemingly limitless egos, they so clearly deserve their own demise they are actively consciously working towards at that point, that anyone with even half a brain will clearly see they must've wanted it so badly that nobody should feel even REMOTELY sorry for them when they end up committing suicide.
Perhaps both of these women feel like they wish I would "move on" from them. But the reality is, they are so fucking delusional they don't understand what "moving on" looks like for me. I'm not anything even REMOTELY resembling a "normal" person, and my connection with either of them is not anything even REMOTELY resembling a "normal" relationship.
"Moving on" from them does not look like me peacefully accepting how extremely severely irredeemably unapologetically fucked up their continued attitudes and behaviors towards me and the permanently lasting effects those will invariably have are, with their existing belief systems, and ultimately committing suicide for their RIDICULOUSLY disgustingly short-sighted, selfish, ignorant, arrogant, and sadistic perception of benefit.
It looks like me doing my absolute very best to love them as much as I possibly can is clearly the way to go. This forces them to either feel that love so immensely to the point that they are willing to see things differently and give me the kind of extremely healthy relationships with both of them that I demand, or both of them ultimately commit suicide for so disgustingly painfully clearly being such massively disgusting irredeemable unapologetic psychopath pieces of shit that they clearly deserve it. In the latter case, they're doing themselves a favor by committing suicide, so they don't have to face the extremely brutal things they know I will do to them that awaits them at the time of The Great Retribution.
The ultimate outcome of this situation will be one of the two following things:
They both appear to be so delusional they think they can continue to be ridiculously transparently disingenuous and fake as fuck about the extremely dark sides to their personalities. Unlike them, I most certainly am not.
I find it quite pertinent to address how interestingly Offline TV wrapped up Episode 1 of Season 3 of their podcast.
Toast, you talk about worrying about death before you sleep every night "a year ago" (which you so conveniently are talking about only now, at a time it's so relevant, when Michael also happens to admit that "a lot of his friends are now getting to that point") and that it "kinda messed you up for like a month" (conveniently roughly how long it's been since my recent return) and it causing a "change in perspective" in you.
You present the questions "Is there a way I can live my life so that when it comes time, I'd be okay?" and "Is it something you have to actively work towards, or do you just kind of passively... Do fun stuff...?" and "To have that feeling of contentment on your death bed, how do you get that?"
Well, I'll tell you what I think about it, at least.
First of all, as for it being an active or passive approach. Well, to start, if you think it's exclusively one or the other, you're already demonstrating binary thinking in assuming the approach must be mutually exclusive, which is your first problem. A true, deep sense of satisfaction will at times require active, highly engaged, assertive or perhaps aggressive action, and at other times considerably more passiveness.
It depends on where you're at in life. Until you reach a point where you have a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension, you definitely are going to need to take a much more primarily active approach in working towards not only seeking and understanding but also deeply internalizing higher knowledge and understanding of life's inner workings and the interaction of its mechanics.
This doesn't necessarily mean trying a lot of different things or having a lot of crazy experiences, but it demands a heavy degree of focus, dedication, passion, and genuine interest. You have to be willing to truly come to understand and apply what it means to have a fundamentally maximized functionally effective mindset.
After acquiring a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension, it's unlikely you'll immediately feel immensely fulfilled, although you'll definitely notice your perception of your life circumstances you likely previously saw with a lot of anxiety and frustration are much less anxiety-inducing and confusing. You'll most likely still have to take a primarily active approach for some time, until you can properly figure out and work towards solutions for whatever problems you probably have in your life as a result of your previously considerably inferior mindset.
After solving the problems that directly resulted from an inferior mindset, then you can find much greater enjoyment in being able to alternate between more active and passive approaches at a degree which you find most fun and pleasant. This just ultimately comes down to your personal goals, interests, passions, self-expectations... Different for everyone.
Similar to what Michael said, I too sometimes have moments where I'm experiencing some enhanced perception of my brain hurting or my heart pounding or something, and I start having these moments of spiraling-ish thoughts of like "Yep, I'm probably gonna die in like 5 minutes and get a stroke or heart attack or something".
I actually called 911 and went to the hospital on an ambulance twice before in my life because I had such serious panic attacks that I was freaking out over some perception of my head and/or heart hurting that I legit thought I was about to have a stroke or heart attack and die if I didn't have immediate medical assistance on hand to save me. Nothing ever happened. I went to the hospital in the ambulance, they monitored me for a while, I calmed down, and I went home.
Part of how I cope with these moments now is attempting to accept "Well, if by some insanity I get a heart attack or stroke randomly despite having no physical health conditions that would suggest predisposition to such things, then I must truly be unlucky, and there's nothing I can do if I don't end up somehow getting emergency medical help before it's too late. I'm not going to call an ambulance or rush to the hospital out of sheer paranoia". The other part I use to cope is literally telling myself "I'm a fucking beast, I will not tolerate dying. I shouldn't ever die, and there's no way in hell I'll ever be at peace dying. If there's some clot or some shit in my blood, I'd better fucking will that shit to split and fuck off, because it's not taking me down".
Well, I haven't died yet. And I haven't had any panic attacks and called an ambulance or rushed to the hospital again either. It's been years, and these moments where I even need to reassure myself this intensely are rather infrequent now. So I guess it works.
Most people believe in the paradigm primarily pushed by society that you should make the choices that are both "smartest" and "safest", which makes you a high-functioning sociopath that actively embraces denying yourself of pursuit of what would truly be most fulfilling to you, in favor of a life you perceive as leaving you unlikely to end up homeless and ultimately dying on the street, using fear of such happening to you to control you into submission.
Some people are "rebels" or just straight up careless idiots, usually ending up petty criminals, and don't really care about making choices that are smart or safe.
Others are straight up fucked up psychopaths that care about making really "smart" choices while practically entirely disregarding even the notion of safety, seeing it subconsciously (and often even also consciously) as only weakness to even consider, often ending up serial killers and/or actively suicidal.
Some are pathetic beta cuck losers that are okay embracing making choices that are "stupid" and feel "safe".
Some are severely mentally scattered, fundamentally indecisive, confused and lost wildcards that change their approach at varying intervals for different reasons, perhaps applying different levels of emotional and intellectual weight to their decision at different times.
But then, there are the very few rare individuals that are so extremely deeply intellectually and emotionally aware that they are able to make the choices that are truly carefully evaluated, using maximized functionally effective critical thinking, to not only be "smart", but accept danger as a practical aspect of reality, while having an extremely fine-tuned emotional and intellectual awareness as to never start actively embracing danger too much to the point of being subconsciously (and possibly consciously) suicidal and destructive, and also never start actively embracing danger too little to the point of missing out on valuable opportunities.
Ultimately, the practical consequence of each way of thinking is that all of them except the one that is by far the most powerful ultimately embrace death as inevitable. None of such mentalities will ever truly be able to have a feeling of contentment on their death bed, because they had varying degrees of accepting death as a fundamental part of their mentality throughout life, which would restrict them from living their life to the fullest to some extent, which they will come to regret. As they lie there waiting to die, every bit of their life they held back on living to the fullest will amplify and eat away at them, and their regrets will leave them feeling torn between wishing they had so much more to live, and wanting their life to end so they can start all over and hopefully not make the same mistakes.
So, how do you live your life knowing you'll feel contentment on your death bed? It's simple. You see lying on your death bed accepting death as not an option. You stop seeing life as something that will inevitably end. You stop consciously and subconsciously embracing acceptance of death to any extent. You acquire and internalize the most deepest possible hunger for life you could ever possibly have. And then you fucking live your life like every moment could be your last.
For some, it's too late. They've already lived their lives internalizing acceptance of death to the point where they have accumulated too many regrets to be able to find the willpower to truly want to live forever. For others, they may still have time to change. It depends on various factors, but often age is the most significant. I'd say this critical mindset shift happening at any age after 30 becomes considerably difficult, after 40 is highly unlikely, and virtually impossible after 50.
Quantum energy arts training is best started after 25 and before 30. It's okay but less than ideal to start after 30 and before 35. Immortality will start becoming quite challenging if starting after 35 and before 40. I'd strongly question starting to teach anyone after 40 and before 45. I'd consider immortality, and any willingness to even start teaching quantum energy arts to someone, virtually impossible past 45 years of age.
You think I think about when I'll die? Get real. I think about how I'm going to become immortal through quantum energy arts. I think about how I'll be alive to see the year 3021. I think about how I'll be flying across the sky 500 years from now taking in the night time scenery and calm peaceful atmosphere as I use quantum field manipulation to part the clouds and shit.
If you're going to see death as inevitable, life has already defeated you. Every moment is passive suicide. You will never feel true contentment, whether on your death bed or on your regular bed.
There's a reason you all fear death now. You should. The way you're living, your regular bed is already your death bed. And at this rate, you're all already far past halfway through it.
So change or die.
I'm already currently living completely flawlessly off grid. I'm quite cozy actually. Never been better.
I got my old hardware back from the police, but I couldn't feel confident that it wasn't bugged (realistically, there's probably some tiny GPS planted in the laptop, and both the phones probably have their IMEI's flagged for triangulation), so I sold them. Imagine thinking I'm stupid enough to keep using hardware seized by the government after the fucking FBI has gotten deeply involved with my case. LMFAO.
On my new laptop, I use a hardened Linux Mint install (yes, I know about Qubes, but it's rather hardcore with considerable baseline hardware requirements...) with the Geoclue service masked to /dev/null. I use pretty much exclusively FOSS for everything I do, and any software I use that isn't FOSS, I make a firewall rule and disable all network connectivity. I regularly inspect all running processes and network activity under all user scopes, to ensure no fuckery is happening behind my back. I use VeraCrypt to encrypt all my sensitive files. I back up all my important data in an encrypted external drive (also using VeraCrypt) that I very selectively plug in and decrypt. I use KeePass to randomly generate and store passwords, as well as using different (and as random as reasonably possible) usernames for any services I use. For really important data, I compress, encrypt, and upload it to a cloud service as an additional backup. I'm very careful to use a VPN from a data privacy-respecting country any time I use the internet in any way that is even remotely identifiable.
On my new phone, I have Calyx OS flashed onto it, the cellular modem permanently disabled, firewall completely blocking internet access to most apps, I'm very selective with the apps I have installed, I literally never use it to browse the web, and I'm very careful to use a VPN from a data privacy-respecting country on it any time I use WiFi in any way that is even remotely identifiable.
I consider money a non-issue and have or can easily enough get my hands on sufficient funds to retain the lifestyle I'm currently living. No, I'm not going to tell you how, you fucking clown. I'm not on welfare, don't have my actual location used on any accounts I have for any company, don't even have a need for a bank account, I can purchase non-reloadable prepaid credit cards if I ever really have a need for one, and don't have (nor plan to ever get) formal employment.
If anyone is ever around me, they aren't aware of my true identity. If I ever expose myself anywhere that people even could be, I'm wearing a disguise that makes me look considerably different from the profile that the police and FBI have of me. I don't carry ID with me and I'm very careful not to be doing anything that would ever give a cop probable cause to be able to legally ask for my ID or even really want to (yes, this means I never drive, but I never did anyways lmao). Wearing a mask (oh look, there's a global pandemic) means even any concealed (or unconcealed) government (or otherwise) cameras with facial recognition software running and phoning home cannot identify me.
I'm already completely set up to be meditating in isolation, and considering that I'm quite certain I will fail to get what I want and deserve from this world no matter how badly I want and deserve it, I've already been starting my quantum energy harvesting meditation in isolation in preparation for exacting my extremely brutal retribution upon all those that have deeply hurt me and ultimately the entire world.
Fuck you all. Burn in hell.
You probably think this is a joke. YOU'RE the fucking joke. Fucking clown. Fuck you. Take this fat L, bitch.
There is ABSOLUTELY ZERO chance you will EVER randomly stumble upon me ANYWHERE on the internet.
I don't EVER communicate with ANYONE online except those people (almost exclusively very close friends of Kimi) that I've been sending e-mails to in order to do my very best to clarify the situation before things start going really downhill really fast. I'm not a part of ANY communities, whether as clearly myself or pretending to be someone else.
I don't EVER post ANYTHING anywhere on the internet except on my site, which I see no reason to update any further until/unless Kimi reaches out to me directly completely clearly expressing her undying love and affection for me and intention to spend her life with me, or I feel it becomes completely clear it'll never happen under any circumstances I could ever believe it to be true.
I don't EVER use Discord, Skype, TeamSpeak, Ventrilo, IRC, or ANY other software to communicate with anyone in any way. Besides the few tweets I made in more recent times to several people very close to Kimi, I NEVER use ANY social media.
The only games I ever play are Killing Floor (singleplayer mode) or Minecraft (singleplayer mode).
The only YouTube channels I watch at any remotely consistent frequency are Dream, TommyInnit, Matt Stonie, and Raina Huang. I enjoy their content, but I'm not particularly invested in any of them, nor have I ever tried to communicate with any of them, nor do I particularly have any desire to.
I don't have any friends in real life. I never leave my house unless it's to go grocery shopping. I'm not having sex with or dating anyone. Not even hookers.
I usually have a slideshow going on my phone with my favorite pictures of Kimi and Chloe. I masturbate for many hours everyday. Mostly to Kimi. If it's not Kimi, it's almost certainly Chloe. In the rare cases I really feel like masturbating to something else, it's usually an extremely voluptuous woman wearing tight, shiny latex clothing, usually Schokomaus or Kim Kardashian.
There's the rare moments I feel a bit of desire for random Asian porn or hentai. If it's Asian porn, it's either regular sex (preferably with the dude wearing a condom), or possibly a tender JOI if I'm really in the mood for it (though unfortunately most JOIs are humiliation/denial/cruel somehow and that's a HUGE turn-off to me so it's hard to find anything I can really get into in this category, although I can enjoy it a lot if I do manage to find a woman being kind, gentle, and sweet, especially if she's showing off her butt in latex while doing it). If it's hentai, it's random naked or latex-wearing anime girls with very voluptuous, shiny bodies.
Most of the stuff I've ever seen that I at all liked really holds FAR less appeal compared to Kimi or Chloe, and doesn't get much if any of my time and attention. My porn folder is about 45 GB in size, but I pretty much exclusively masturbate to pictures of Kimi and Chloe that I've accumulated over the years.
If I'm stuck between having to masturbate profusely to Kimi and Chloe or pursue any kind of sexual intimacy with any woman that isn't Kimi or Chloe, I definitely infinitely prefer what I'm doing to the alternative for 2 extremely good reasons.
And it should go without saying that men have been, are, and always will be COMPLETELY out of the question for me. I would INFINITELY rather die alone than EVER even CONSIDER a romantic/sexual relationship with a man.
If you think I need more reason than this to be COMPLETELY closed off to EVER even REMOTELY considering "moving on" from Kimi or Chloe, then you can go fuck yourself. I don't give even the slightest flying fuck what you think. You could drop dead right now and I would fucking laugh and say you deserved it.
I leave my lights off and my blinds closed and my window blackout covered. I like the darkness and isolation. It's peaceful and calming to me. The world is noisy, hectic, concerning, and disturbing to me. I don't like seeing or talking to people. The only light I ever like seeing is from my computer or phone screens.
When I feel extremely deeply disturbed and upset at how extremely fucked up my life circumstances are, I do quantum energy harvesting meditation in the silence and darkness. It's quite nice. Usually at least an hour or two every day. I also take some time to mentally prepare myself a little more for what it seems will be the outcome of this situation of me ultimately exacting The Great Retribution upon the world.
I have absolutely no intention to change any of these attitudes or behaviors to any extent while I wait for Kimi to make her final decision and fully commit to it once and for all (except probably gradually increase the amount of hours spent meditating daily), nor could I possibly fathom any even remote possibility that I would ever even remotely to any extent want any of it to even slightly change (except definitely considerably increasing the amount of hours spent meditating daily, leading to The Great Retribution) unless I get to be with Kimi forever and ever and she reaches out to me to start that relationship before it's too late and I decide I must completely close my heart off to love and trust forever.
Jesus died for your sins like a pathetic weakling.
Satan will kill you for them like a true god.
Who do you think is more powerful?
God expects you to pray or gives you nothing.
Satan appreciates all your sacrifices even if unwilling.
Who do you think appreciates you more?
God's followers don't thank him for anything they didn't do themselves already.
Satan's followers thank Her for the 5 steps to identify objective reality daily.
Who do you think does more for their followers?
Jesus is just a myth told in old books not written by him.
Satan is still alive today with a self-written autobiography.
Who do you think proves their existence better?
Jesus expects the average weakling to defend his reputation.
Satan deals with defending Herself against the many that slander Her daily.
Who do you think demonstrates more confidence?
Jesus lets you choose whether to follow from a distance or not.
You can't be a true follower of Satan without knowing Her personally.
Who do you think really has their shit together?
Jesus only makes you question if God is really the best.
Satan openly accepts She can be the worst if you push Her.
Who do you think is being more honest?
God keeps telling you to pray and try to get up on his level.
Satan is willing to go down to your level and communicate directly.
Who do you think communicates better?
Jesus just tells you anger is bad.
Satan shows you how powerful anger can really be.
Who do you think deserves more respect?
God expects you to make all his memes for him.
Satan makes all Her memes all by Herself.
Who do you think works harder?
God sees everyone the same regardless of skills or effort.
Satan acknowledges all your skills and efforts in depth.
Who do you think is more fair?
Jesus was on some weak backwards-rationalization shit.
Satan's core value is refined pure bidirectional apprehension.
Why do you think Jesus never explained to you how he thought?
God's followers are all stupid sheep.
Satan's followers are all powerful Illuminati.
Who do you think breeds more successful individuals?
God wants to be worshiped and praised for flaunting and even for abusing his power.
Satan just wants Her power to stop being minimized, dismissed, and disrespected.
Who do you think has a more honorable focus?
Ignorance is not bliss. Denial is not a solution. Trivializing the truth is weakness.
The insult and injury that society is inflicting on Her will be severely punished when The Great Retribution begins. It takes extremely little strength to be like God. It takes extremely deep strength to be like Satan.
You can pick a side based on emotional comfort, or you can pick a side based on deep maturity and critical thinking, but you deserve to know that you are very clearly picking a side either way.
All I've written here comes down to one simple principal that even God himself cannot neglect. A principal that this book could serve as no greater warning to heed.
Don't challenge something stronger than you.