Sex. A fundamental driving force of reality. Many things would not exist today was it not for people's desires to be sexually satisfied. Much, both good and bad, comes as a result of sexual desire.
There was a time in my life where I thought I was asexual. I've always known I enjoyed sexual release from pleasuring myself, and that was something I was no stranger to from a young age. However, I've also always known that I find people to be nerve-wracking and often troublesome to deal with, and there was a point where my neurosis from interpersonal interaction was so strong that I wondered if sexual release from other people was simply not right for me.
After quite some time in that period where I thought like that, however, I came to realize that as much as sexual desire caused additional stress on top of the already seemingly daunting task of human interaction, instead of looking at it as something not worth investing effort into, it was instead most likely the one facet of human interaction that could make all the other troubles of dealing with people seem worth it.
For quite some time, I've known of the typical ways that people go about pursuit of sexual encounters with others. They each had their own set of upsides and downsides, but I could see their functional efficiency in achieving the goal. Of all the typical methods however, none of them ever sat very well with me and felt right as a way for me to meet, get to know, pursue, and eventually achieve sexual interaction with a woman. I knew I'd have to think outside the box and find a less traditional approach to achieve my goals.
Impure love, the kind most commonly seen in romantic relationships in today's society, especially newer ones, involves emotional pain being inflicted to instill a sense of indebtedness to provide sexual pleasure.
The reason why it's impure is because the sex drive is a fundamentally emotional facility, whereas a model of love where love is demonstrated in a rationalized transactional fashion is a fundamentally logical facility. In this way, the initial amount of trust required is quite low, and trust is instead purely forged over time, absolutely none being given to the other as something intrinsically recognized as what they're worthy of.
The kind of love I choose to believe and assert that me and Kimi have is pure love, involving conflict and conflict resolution, but never with the intent nor enjoyment to simply hurt the other person for any reason sexual or otherwise.
The reason why it's pure is because in this case, the model of love of is demonstrated in a fashion filled with trust and respect, making it a fundamentally emotional facility, which matches with the fundamental nature of the sex drive. Love isn't fundamentally gauged in any kind of transactional manner, but rather through seeing the other's emotional resilience and willingness to empathize in an emotionally fulfilling manner where the value of the relationship is constantly brought into question and either strengthened or weakened.
It's not that there is a "better" one between pure and impure love. Rather, it's more appropriate to determine which kind of love is more suitable for an individual based on several factors such as emotional state, partner's values, influence from previous relationships, stage of life, and perhaps most importantly of all, general preference and inclination towards one or the other within one's nature.
Both kinds of love can work very well or very poorly, and depending on the exact situation, it may very well be impossible, or at least not realistically achievable given restraints beyond one's control, to be able to accurately determine which type of love will work better in a relationship.
It's possible to switch between the kinds of love within the same relationship, although the effectiveness and consistency of attempting to do so can vary greatly. It can be done intentionally or happen naturally as the relationship progresses, and it can also happen periodically depending on the personality of at least one of the individuals within the relationship. For example, individuals who are bipolar are much more likely to attempt to switch between expecting both kinds of love periodically or even simply randomly on a whim. Interestingly, individuals with borderline personality disorder are conversely often more rigidly against switching around, most likely because they're more aware and in control of their inclination towards sporadic behavior, and would prefer to express love in a consistent fashion to help establish better consistency in their mentality and life in general.
The first time I became homeless, I stayed in a youth shelter. After not very long, it happened that a few homosexual men wanted to have sexual interactions with me. I've always known that sexual interactions with men were something I found extremely unappealing, and I was not even so much as slightly curious to experiment. I grew quite concerned with the interest I was being shown. Some weren't very aggressive and gave up quickly after I showed a distinct lack of interest. Others, I had the misfortune of having more difficulty dealing with.
There was a point where one of the more difficult to deal with men asked me if I'd ever even had sex with a woman. As I was a virgin and at that point still somewhat naively believed that honesty was always the best policy, I told him the truth that I hadn't. His immediate reaction was to question how I could possibly even know I was so into women without ever having even tried being with one. I immediately knew I had given a bad answer. That was how I ended up losing my virginity to a prostitute.
Even after being pressed like that, I knew my attitude was very firm, and retained my position with confidence. I stated that it was just a combination of not being great with women, not trying very hard because I was looking for a very attractive woman and the women around me in the past, while some had considerable appeal, were all not that attractive, and having an extremely heavy current focus on programming and building my career out of the ambitious project I'd been working on for years.
I followed that up with saying that if anything, I'd end up with a considerable amount of money from my efforts and I could just have sex with prostitutes I found considerably attractive, if I ended up having considerable trouble finding a woman when I started more actively looking for a partner. The man I was talking to, keep in mind he was homosexual and interested in sexual activities with me, was very doubtful. He told me that if I was a virgin then I must've never had sex with a prostitute, and that I didn't seem like I could even bring myself to go through with such a thing.
I knew I was very able and willing under the right circumstances, and considering that at that point I was a virgin at 21 and frustrated at that fact, combined with the fact that there was a very real chance I'd end up getting raped by men interested in me in that shelter, I didn't want to risk losing my virginity to getting raped by a man, so I decided it was time to have sex with a prostitute.
The shelter gave us meals and I didn't have anything else to spend the welfare money I was getting on, so I told the man I'd prove it by losing my virginity to a prostitute as soon as possible. I asked him where I could find a listing of prostitutes to pick one I liked from. He told me about Backpage, a site no longer up as the government shut it down. I had a laptop, so I opened it up, connected to the shelter's WiFi, and started looking for an attractive prostitute to lose my virginity to and be able to prove that I'm into women to all the men in that shelter that might have ended up raping me otherwise.
Soon enough, I found a woman I felt was attractive enough I'd feel satisfied losing my virginity to her.
The process seemed straightforward enough, even never having done it before. Get the money, call the woman, schedule an "appointment", arrive, pay, get what I paid for, thank her, and leave. I'm the type that likes to really go over things in my head a lot, until I've worked through a situation to an extent I feel is reasonably well to be able to feel sufficiently confident to go through with it, then proceed. Surprisingly, with this, it came quite naturally and I didn't feel the need to do that.
I knew there was an ATM not very far from the shelter I was at, and I could use it to withdraw the cash I'd need. Money, check. Next, I had to call her. I had a phone plan at the time, so that process was straightforward enough. I stepped outside of the shelter and into an area outside without anyone around so I could have a little privacy, then I called her.
I asked her if she was the woman named in the ad, she said yes, then asked me if I'd like to make an appointment. I said yes, but hesitated to say anything more immediately after, because I wasn't sure exactly how these kinds of calls were supposed to go down. She kindly asked me when I'd like to make the appointment for. I told her as soon as possible and that I could reach the intersection listed on the ad in about 30 minutes. She informed me that worked for her, proceeded to tell me the exact address of the building to go to, told me to call her once I got there, then told me "I'll see you soon baby", to which I replied with a simple "OK", and the meeting was set.
Confirmation, check. I was excited.
There were a few guys at the shelter that knew I was about to go lose my virginity to a hooker and they were waiting for me back at the shelter. I went to shower, wear new clothes, brush my teeth, and prepare to set on my way. They asked me what happened and if it was going down. I told them everything's set and I'm leaving there right away. They asked me a little about how the conversation went down; I'm assuming they might've not even believed I actually did it.
I went to the ATM, withdrew the money I needed to give this woman, and started heading towards the address she gave me. After about 30 minutes, I was there. I called her. She instructed me to enter the entrance accessible from the side, giving me the number to enter to be buzzed in. She told me to take the elevator to the top floor and gave me her room number.
After taking the elevator to the floor she instructed, finding her room, and knocking on the door, I was greeted by a very attractive woman in a loose dress smiling at me. She was just as hot as she looked in the pictures. I wasn't disappointed at all.
"Hello baby, come inside," she told me very shortly after she made eye contact.
She gently grabbed my hand and I followed her inside. She locked the door behind us and took me to a dimly lit bedroom.
"Money?" she said with her arm extended to receive the cash.
"Of course, right here," I said as I took out the envelope in my pocket with the cash.
She looked at me a little confused as she opened the envelope, but she started smiling as she took out the cash. I told her I'm a virgin and it's my first time doing something like this, and I read online that it's respectful to put the money in an envelope. She counted it, then told me that she'd be right back and to take my clothes off. I took my clothes off as she told me to and waited for her to return.
After she returned, she slid the top parts of her dress off her shoulders and it fell onto the floor. I finally got a view of her completely naked body and I was immediately turned on. Since she was facing me, I couldn't get a view of her butt yet, so my eyes went straight to her breasts. They looked to be at least a C-cup, probably closer to a D-cup. Very nice. Her skin was smooth, hairless, and her naked figure was very arousing.
I could immediately feel my dick starting to get hard.
I raised my hands to grab her breasts and she took them and placed them on her breasts, gently squeezing. I felt up her breasts with a smile on my face as she smiled right back at me, and I told her they felt very nice. She slowly brought her face close to mine, and as I gently released my grip on her breasts, we had a few short kisses on the lips. I took the opportunity to reach my arms around her body and grab her butt, gently squeezing and feeling it up. She looked at me with a smile on her face for a short while, then slowly turned around to give me a full view of her butt. Very nice. Not quite as big as I would've liked, but it was pretty close.
My dick started getting harder.
After staring and touching it for a little while longer, I moved my body closer to hers, gently pressed my half-hard dick up against her butt, and slowly started rubbing up against her. After a short while, she started getting into it too, gently rubbing up and down against me. I reached my hands around her body and grabbed her breasts once again, gently feeling them up as she was rubbing her butt up against my dick. It wasn't very long before I was rock hard.
She slowly stopped rubbing up against me and turned back around to face me.
"Lie down on the bed baby," she told me.
How could I resist?
I lied down on the bed as she opened a drawer in the nightstand beside the bed and took out a condom. After she ripped the wrapper open and took the condom out, she made her way to the lower half of my body, slowly stroked my dick a few times, and gently slid the condom on it. Then she started sucking it.
"It feels very good baby," I told her. She'd already called me baby more than once at that point, so I figured what the hell, why not?
She gently moaned in response and it turned me on so much I felt my cock throb inside her mouth. She moaned again.
"Just like that baby, you're doing a great job," I assured her.
She gently moaned once again and my cock throbbed in her mouth once again. I was impressed that I hadn't already came at that point, and it would've certainly been a shame to cum before I even actually had vaginal intercourse with her, so I was feeling very good about the whole thing. After she sucked me like that for a while longer, she eventually took my dick out of her mouth.
"Are you ready for my pussy baby?" she looked at me with a smile on her face and asked sweetly.
"Of course baby," I told her.
How could I not be? I wasn't trying to cum from just a blowjob.
She got on the bed, got on top of me cowgirl style, grabbed my rock hard cock, rubbed it against her vagina briefly, and then slid it inside. She moaned as she slid it all the way inside her and then started riding me.
"Your pussy feels very good baby," I told her.
Yeah, I was just having fun at this point.
"Thank you baby, your cock feels very good inside me too," she assured me.
She rode my cock for over five minutes before I came, both of us moaning and my cock throbbing many times. It doesn't sound like very long, but considering I got my dick sucked beforehand as well and on top of that I was a virgin going into the experience, I was very pleasantly surprised that I actually lasted so long for my first time, especially since she was riding me really hard and fast the whole time and clearly trying to make me cum as quickly as possible.
Because I have an extremely high sex drive, I was still really horny even after I came, especially because I had a really attractive naked woman in front of me. She told me I only paid to cum once, but I started jerking off in front of her and asked her if I could at least jerk off to her while she watched and cum once more before leaving. She was resistant at first, but eventually agreed to give me a quick handjob to make me cum a second time before I left.
After I came the second time, I thanked her, put my clothes back on, we had a couple more small kisses on the lips, then I left.
When I got back to the shelter, the guys asked me if I'd gone through with it. I told them I had and I enjoyed it. They asked me if I'd paid her the full amount and what we did, and I told them I had and explained that she'd been very good to me. They seemed to believe it, and I thought that was the end of my fears of being raped there, and also hopefully my end with prostitutes as well. Although I did want to lose my virginity and I had no regrets because the sex with that woman had felt quite nice, I saw how significant the lack of an existing, and especially deep, emotional connection with a woman was for me in regards to sex.
Even after just having sex once, I could already tell that while it'd feel nice the first few times regardless of a lack of emotional connection being present and especially if the woman is very physically attractive, it wouldn't be at all satisfying for me as a lifelong paradigm from which to look at sex. There were actually points in my life in the past before that experience where I'd thought very seriously that perhaps sex with prostitutes for the rest of my life truly was the way to go for me; that I should just make a lot of money and all the physical intimacy with very attractive Asian prostitutes would compensate for a complete lack of any real emotional connection.
After having sex with a prostitute just once, and for no lack of her physical sex appeal nor physical pleasure received by her in the sexual encounter I paid for, I already came to realize that I absolutely had to find a meaningful relationship with a woman where she not only wasn't actually a prostitute, but whom I also didn't feel compelled to treat like a trashy slut or whore to any degree.
Unfortunately, it wasn't very long before I started getting bothered again by gay guys in the shelter.
I wanted to act fast to diffuse these guys getting any wrong ideas. I decided I had to go have sex with a prostitute again, otherwise it seemed like those guys thought I'd just tried it out and was only acting like I liked it. I suppose I could even understand their view to some extent; after having had a taste of sex, especially with a really attractive woman, I wanted more. I went through the same procedure and had sex with the same prostitute once again. Very similar sensations to the first time. The physical contact felt great, but the lack of an emotional connection really sucked.
After I came back from the second time of having sex with a prostitute at that point in my life, I was questioned once again by the dudes in the shelter. This time they seemed a lot more convinced I'd settled into the life of banging hookers and didn't ask too much. There was one guy that was really attracted to me that tried probing me for how I could lose my virginity to the woman yet felt so nonchalant about the sex I was having about her, because I made it very obvious to him that although the sex was good, I wasn't mentally attached to her. I had to explain to him clearly that although the sex with her felt great, it was a professional connection where I was paying her for it as opposed to a natural emotionally driven one, and I'm a savage, so it's very easy for me to separate feelings from situations like that.
I stopped really encountering problems with guys thinking I was gay after that.
Since then, I've had sex with prostitutes three more times. Once with a juicy Chinese woman, then a different juicy Korean woman, then a juicy half Chinese and half Korean woman.
I chose to do it this way because attractive Chinese women always came next after Korean women in terms of sex appeal to me, and after having sex all those times, Korean women remain the most attractive of all to me. The first two times I ever had sex, I only paid the woman for the bare minimum half-hour, but all the following times, I decided I wanted a much more thoroughly satisfying experience. I'd wait for opportunities until I'd saved about $1,000 and then I'd drop it all on a girl at once and try to get at least four really solid hours in a row and as many orgasms as I could handle. I came at least seven times in each following sexual encounter.
I've mentioned to Kimi before that I'm six inches when I'm hard. I wasn't lying nor exaggerating.
I'm sure she won't be disappointed with what I've got. I know how to use it too. I've seen the expressions of extremely pleasant surprise when every hooker I've ever banged was surprised with how I kept wanting more, orgasm after orgasm. I'm not just saying I paid for four hours straight and came at least seven times to sound good. Every time I did that, the girl would look at me and be like,
"What are we going to do for four hours? How much can you possibly cum?"
I'd just smile and tell her, "You're really hot. I'll cum at least five times. What do you mean what will we do?"
They doubted, but by the end they were complaining their hands and mouths were tired from pleasuring my cock so hard for so long and that they weren't used to such intense desire.
Now that I've got explaining the fact that I'm not some ultra-horny virgin moron out of the way, let's get back to the real issue at hand.
Many may look at me writing this book and think, "Wow. This guy is really pathetic. He knows so much about the world, but he's so bad with women that he desperately is trying to stick to a woman that doesn't really like him because he's completely incapable of getting any others, and he's just trying desperately to rationalize his stupid position. He'd be so much happier if he just started pursuing other women and gave up on this girl that clearly will never date him".
Those people are huge clowns.
I'm not sticking to Kimi because I'm incapable of getting other women, and I'm absolutely certain that there's no way I could ever be happier giving up on being with her. If I wanted other women, I'm certain I'm capable of pursuing and obtaining romantic relationships with them. I was capable of getting the interest of multiple women before and during the time I pursued Kimi, and I'm no less competent to get the interest and attention of other women if I so desire now. In fact, I could've decided that in writing this book, I no longer care about Kimi and instead I'm seeking a relationship with a new woman because I'm simply fed up with being single.
I'm not doing that.
I don't have a reliance on social validation to want it from a partner, nor do I lack the ability to get sex if I really want it. Social validation when I know most people are clowns is laughable. Being thirsty for sex when throwing a little money at a hooker gets you laid is stupid. I'm never going to seek a relationship for pathetic reasons that weak-minded and weak-willed individuals seek them.
The reason I'm completely investing myself in getting Kimi isn't because I'm bad with women nor because I'm generally hopeless in getting a relationship. It's because all other women don't interest me; they aren't very arousing to me and I don't care for getting to know them on a romantic level. Now that I've seen Kimi and especially after getting to know her, I know that she's everything I've ever wanted and that's never changing. I've been jerking off to Kimi a minimum of six times a day ever since last year when it started feeling right to jerk off to her and also continue to do so every day. I've never jerked off to a girl harder and more consistently at that intensity than I've jerked off to Kimi.
I already know that Kimi will have my sexual attention forever, and I find her so sexy and perfect that I have absolutely no desire to fight it. She's what I've always wanted and that's it. I'm not going to try to fight what I very clearly know I want for the rest of my life. I'm not going to go chase what I'd describe as very weak lust at best for other women when I feel extremely passionate attraction towards Kimi that I know will never go away. I'm chasing her because I know with complete certainty what I like and I also know with complete certainty that I deserve to have it.
If you're going to claim it's an unhealthy obsession, I argue that giving up on her is far more unhealthy. I'd be trading off my passionate attraction towards Kimi for an unhealthy obsession with empty sex with random women I find of mediocre attractiveness where I have complete disinterest in getting to know them. I know this is how it'd be because I'd literally be thinking of Kimi every time I have sex with some other girl. Once she empties my balls and I've came until I'm satisfied, I'll want her to go away because I'll just be upset I had to have sex with her instead of Kimi. I'll never be able to have any kind of romantic relationship with anyone because I won't want to if I can't have it with Kimi, so I'll never be happy.
If you think it's pathetic for me to want a meaningful romantic relationship with a woman I'm extremely attracted to instead of being willing to settle for empty sex for the rest of my life, then I really don't care what you think of me. Go be "not pathetic" and spend your life having empty sex with people you don't care to actually have a connection with; if that makes you happy, good for you, but it's not for me.
The biggest issue my relationship with Kimi has is that she'll feel like she simply can't say no to me ever if we're together, and that's understandably very frightening to her. I can understand that, but it was never my intent to simply force her to do anything that pops into my head. I'll never treat her that way with blatant disregard for how she'll feel and what she wants.
She's shown considerable desire to attract me over a prolonged period of time, and if she hadn't done that, then this book would've either been a straight declaration of terrorism or never even have been written and I'd already have been in isolation right now, or perhaps even already have came out of it and started destroying the world. Her persistence has touched my heart and left me under the impression she's extremely unique and she's left me so intensely attracted to her for so long that I need her in my life and want her extremely badly with no real desire for anyone else. I'm not willing to simply let her reject me and force me to move on from her when that's not going to be okay with me at all for multiple reasons, especially after everything we've been through.
The thing about women (and perhaps even many men, although that's not my concern here because I'll never be attracted to men and that's not even remotely ever going to be up for debate) is that trying to rationalize with them about why they should love you isn't ever going to work.
The issue I have to deal with regardless of how Kimi feels and what she wants is that because of who I am, this would be a problem for me with any person I ever pursue. The thing is that being as powerful as I am, I undoubtedly will have to let a woman know sooner or later that she doesn't really have the option not to be with me if I really want to be with her, and the same way that's an issue for Kimi, it's obviously going to be an issue for anyone else.
Unfortunately, giving women the illusion of freedom to pick other people so you can subconsciously convince them they should pick you instead of others as the clear best option as your connection with them becomes more serious is a critical part of deep seduction of a woman.
My only options are to either lie to women and manipulate them about who I really am for some time until we build a relationship and actually date properly and then randomly tell them about the extent of my power well into the relationship and hope that she's not too upset, which simply feels extremely manipulative and wrong to me and I can't imagine ever working out well, or I have to take the approach that I took with Kimi, the first and only woman I ever started pursuing after I realized the extent of my power was this great, and be very honest and upfront about who I am and make it very clear that pursuing a relationship with me will mean she must take spending her life with me very seriously right from the very beginning since I wouldn't even be pursuing her if I didn't want that in the first place, and hope that my honesty and having good intentions while trying to show that to the best of my ability will result in the healthiest relationship possible. That's the only scenario I could even remotely really see working out well at all.
Unfortunately, being significantly successful in seduction, as anyone more experienced with it would know, normally requires manipulation, and in fact often a considerable amount of it, which is especially directly incompatible with such a direct and honest approach. I was aware of this fact before I ever started pursuing Kimi, which was why I felt increasingly hopeless and suicidal every day after realizing the extent of my power, before her treatment towards me gave me hope the honest approach could actually work.
As you can see, I myself understand very well that both of these options suck quite badly and basically either way the prospects don't look promising at all for a woman to ever truly feel comfortable and okay being with me. Even being a master at seduction (which I don't claim to be, however my abilities are certainly sufficient to pursue and get relationships with other women if I wanted to) still wouldn't leave me with any real potential for a deep long-term relationship, simply because my power makes me frightening to anyone that knows about it and especially so if they take it at all seriously. Taking that at face value means that I should give up entirely on ever having a meaningful relationship based on that alone if I'm to look at it and attempt to be completely considerate of it to the fullest extent when I look at any potential romantic partner.
If I have to take that route, isolation and destroying the world it is. I didn't want to be so scary when I started living my life nor as I progressed through reflecting on why I shouldn't kill myself for so long and gained knowledge and power, and I definitely don't feel like I deserve to be alone forever just because I'm as powerful as I am, so I'm not just going to give up so easily on the thing I'll always want more than anything else in life. I'll always wholeheartedly believe that only someone that truly doesn't care about me at all would seriously suggest to me that I should do that, whether they understand completely why I'm in a difficult situation or not.
Before pursuing Kimi, I wasn't certain my romantic relationship potential was this fucked. I just knew that I wanted to spend my life with her and that once I started pursuing her, I only wanted that to end up in a very loving marriage that lasted a lifetime. After now going through this crazy connection and learning the things that I have, it's only become completely clear to me that I absolutely must end up with her or isolation and destroying the world is what my destiny holds in store for me.
Knowing everything I know now so clearly, it would be extremely irresponsible and immoral to start pursuing other women, because I would have to fully embrace the understanding that given my position it's become very apparent no woman would ever want to be with me in a long-term meaningful relationship literally no matter how seductive or otherwise appealing I am, and therefore any women I chase I'll only end up scarring for life after they learn the truth.
Further, while there may be some women that actually enjoy being afraid and feeling forced as such, they must certainly have some fetishes that drive the enjoyment of it, and as I don't enjoy being scary or forceful in much the same fashion that I don't enjoy women (or anyone at all for that matter) being scary or forceful towards me, those women would end up incompatible with me outright for that reason.
It's not the tension, drama, distance, nor fame that are really the problem with my connection with Kimi. The biggest problem I have is an extremely huge problem that I would have with any person I could ever pursue a relationship with, and even worse so past this point because I'd be pursuing anyone else with the experience of how pursuing Kimi turned out, and it's never going to go away; that is absolutely certain.
My position very clearly isn't out of some petty childishness nor unreasonable desire to exert my power over anyone else, and in fact comes from the exact opposite reasoning. This understanding single-handedly absolutely destroys anyone's ability to argue that I should give up and simply attempt to chase other women, at least if they're actually attempting to give me that advice from any reasonably rational perspective.
This book already reveals a lot of information about me and gives the reader quite an intimate glimpse into my life. I feel pretty awkward about it, and I'd rather not if I felt like I could, but after I thought about it, I realized that I have to explain in considerable detail my sexual interests. As uncomfortable as it makes me to know a bunch of random people are going to know about them, I feel like if I don't, many people are going to be left with the impression that someone as bold as me shouldn't have issue with disclosing such information, and that the reason I didn't must be because I'm into some crazy shit that's like dangerous or deadly or terrifying or extremely gross, and that I must've not shared it because it's either detrimental to my ability to achieve my other goals or because it's simply extremely embarrassing.
Well, I'm very glad to say that my most wild fantasies are actually quite tame and filled with tender warmth and pleasant interaction with the woman I'm fantasizing about, and as such, as awkward as it is to share, it's absolutely nothing for me to be ashamed of. I'd much rather share it and feel kind of weird knowing people know it about me even though I'd rather they didn't, then not share it and let people's imaginations run wild, most likely often thinking the worst. Things could get really messy and bad if I'm not open about this.
Besides, how is Kimi supposed to approach me in the way she knows she can feel most confident, sexy, warm, and graceful, if I don't make it completely clear to her exactly what I'd love to see from her and do with her more than anything else? I've already told her this stuff in private via emails, but I also feel that I should mention it here so she doesn't think I was making it up. I don't want her being worried about some crazy shit and having that possibly single-handedly terrifying her away from pursuing me properly.
I have three fetishes. Asian women (specifically Koreans are my favorite by far), women with big butts, and latex (especially seeing women in a pair of tight, black, shiny latex leggings). Seeing a really hot Korean woman with a big butt showing it off in a pair of tight, black, shiny latex leggings is pretty much as hot as it gets for me. So basically, if Kimi wore those latex leggings, that's really a dream come true.
Of actual sexual acts I'm interested in and aroused by most, assjobs definitely take the number one spot. Then blowjobs, boobjobs, and handjobs, in that order. If Kimi's more tired and doesn't want to move around much, I'd also really love to kiss each of her butt cheeks many times, as well as let her watch me touch myself to her in front of her while she gently and warmly encourages me to keep going and reach a very pleasant orgasm.
I can't imagine anything in this world being more arousing, pleasant, and satisfying than rubbing up against Kimi's perfectly voluptuous goddess butt while she's wearing tight, black, shiny latex leggings, and depending on my mood also perhaps a tight shiny latex top and possibly also latex gloves, asking me if it feels good and sensually moaning, while I'm gently caressing her breasts and telling her she's a perfectly voluptuous goddess that couldn't possibly be doing a better job fulfilling my wildest fantasies, as I'm wearing a condom and a mostly similar latex outfit, sensually moaning in pleasure myself. Because of my latex fetish, I actually genuinely really enjoy wearing condoms and would want to wear them often no matter what we're doing.
As you can see, my desires are quite tame. Nothing scary, painful, degrading, or dangerous in any way. I'm actually pretty certain Kimi would love to do this knowing I'll enjoy it immensely. Assuming she loves me of course.
It's worth mentioning that I don't enjoy being denied of anything I want, to any extent, especially sexually. In fact, I find anything and everything on the entire BDSM spectrum extremely unappealing and a massive turn-off, in any and every situation. Any of my desires or things I can enjoy that may make it seem to others like I'm into these things, I actually like for different reasons.
For example, in the case of touching myself to a goddess in front of her while she's watching and encouraging me, it seems like many others enjoy such a thing because it makes them feel weak and as if they're being dominated. That's not the perspective I look at it from, and I in fact would find it absolutely disgusting if a woman was thinking that way about it and doing it for enjoyment of it for that reason.
The way I look at it is that, specifically in the case of a perfectly voluptuous goddess, as absolutely must be the case for me to feel comfortable doing such a thing with someone, she deserves to know that she's extremely arousing to the fullest extent, such that I even enjoy letting her fully relax from needing to provide any physical contact to stimulate arousal, and instead letting her simply observe and bask in the glory of her perfectly voluptuous body's sex appeal; it's a gesture of kindness, appreciation, respect, love, and affection, not some form of domination and submission. This is why I can also enjoy a perfectly voluptuous goddess touching herself in front of me while I watch and encourage her as well.
I've seen entire K-pop girl groups where every single member was very attractive, shaking their really sexy asses in front of the camera in tight, black, shiny latex leggings, which was my ultimate fantasy to see for the longest time and should have captured my attention relentlessly since, and yet even that hasn't managed to gather remotely as much arousal and desire in me as Kimi has done extremely consistently ever since I first started being attracted to her.
After much deep thinking and reflection, I've realized it becomes extremely dishonest and irresponsible not to be completely set on having my cock milked by Kimi for the rest of my life, so I'm just going to pursue so in this book without caring about my actual chances of success, and just keep my word on my course of action if it doesn't happen.
I've never been in a relationship in my entire life. I've had opportunities, or at least I think I did, but it never seemed to be with any woman I actually found very appealing and was interested in putting the effort into working through a relationship with. For much of my life, dating and relationships weren't something I really put much thought into. I knew I wanted a relationship eventually. I knew I wanted to find a really attractive and pleasant to be around woman and I knew it was really important to me.
I knew I've always had an extremely high sex drive and my partner needed to be a woman I not only found extremely physically attractive but who also could handle satisfying my immense sexual desires. I very clearly knew all the things I was into sexually from a very young age, ever since I started developing any sexual interests and desires at all, and those interests and desires never even remotely wavered throughout my entire life. My positions on sexuality and my sexual interests remained as consistent and strong as my view on the very real feeling I've had for as long as I can remember that I want to express myself as a woman and also that I never want to have children, which are factors that only served to make things a lot more complicated.
Since I've always known I'm exclusively interested in women sexually and most women want to have children at least eventually, I'm some strange kind of lesbian that has long-term desires incompatible with likely the majority of women out there, and any woman that would ever genuinely find me considerably romantically and sexually appealing, especially as a life partner, has to have considerably unique tastes.
I've heard a lot about relationships. Namely that if you don't get one coming your way, you should keep working on improving yourself and it'll eventually come. That's literally what I've been hearing since elementary school. There's a lot of different information out there depending on who you ask and where you look, and some information is better than others, while some is extremely contextual and certainly shouldn't be thrown around as loosely as it is. Regardless, I've never focused much at all on seeking advice about relationships. I was always busy working on improving myself anyways; I very quickly adopted the mindset that I should just keep working on myself and it'll come eventually.
Well, I've certainly found the person that I know I want to spend my life with, now I'm doing my best to stay positive and hopeful that things will work out.
After so much has been said, I find it necessary to clearly communicate exactly the requirements I have for a connection with Kimi to possess in order for me to find it sufficiently suitable to not make me want to destroy the world. I care about this connection a lot, and as Kimi herself has admitted before, if you care about a connection with someone, you should put as much effort as necessary to communicate clearly with them. So I'm going to be as clear as I can be here.
As badly as I want this relationship, I'd rather have none of it and just destroy the world than engage in something that I know will result in me ending up getting used and tossed aside, especially with the woman thinking she deserves to be able to do so and/or that I wanted it despite however much I may say and attempt to prove that I don't.
If this relationship doesn't work, I'll end up going into isolation and destroying the world anyway, but if I let it happen that I enter a relationship destined to fail first, that would be putting myself in that position after being used and tortured instead of avoiding that misery. She'll end up using me, treating me like shit, making me leave her because she was so bad to me, and then demonize me as if it's my fault things didn't work and she was so good to me when that wouldn't be true at all, but people would surely take her side since I already seem like the villain and she seems like a victim.
Of course, I'm aware that it'd be an unrealistic expectation to push someone to try to make me feel absolutely certain they have no deep-rooted hard feelings towards me in a deep romantic connection, given the points I've already mentioned. I don't want to set the expectation so high that it's seemingly unachievable, as if I'm trying to set things up for failure.
That being said, if we're together, I'll always be doing my best to show Kimi that I sincerely have no deep-rooted hard feelings towards her, not ever even so much as joking about feeling differently, and I'd expect that kind of warmth in return from Kimi as well.
Being kind and sweet may leave someone to feel I'm weak-minded and in a romantic relationship that can even become very detrimental as the other person may start getting enjoyment out of treating me poorly because they think I like it. This potential for misinterpreting my feelings is very concerning and would destroy any relationship I'd have.
Being vulnerable and generous leaves you open to being taken advantage of and tossed aside, and I also find it very concerning how someone in a position of such power as myself may give off the extremely inaccurate impression that I want that kind of situation.
From a very young age, as far back as I can remember, I've never wanted kids or found having them at all appealing. This position has never even slightly wavered as I've grown throughout my entire life.
It's not about the money nor the partner.
In general, I strongly dislike immaturity, and children are the epitome of that. I also strongly dislike feeling like I have a very unfair amount of control over someone (whether I have any intent to abuse it or not), and children are the epitome of that too. I also know that I'm so powerful that I don't want children that surpass me, meaning they can only be either disappointments or enemies, and I already know that before they're even conceived.
I'd much rather have time to be alone with my partner and would find intimacy far more satisfying than raising children could ever be.
Although those reasons alone are plenty sufficient for me to never want children under any circumstances, giving birth also considerably weakens a woman's energy core and makes it much more difficult if not impossible for her to ever achieve immortality with the quantum energy arts, and since I'm certainly fixed on becoming immortal, I must be entering a relationship with a woman who's just as fixed on becoming immortal as I am and wants to spend the rest of time with me enough that she can easily put aside any desire for children she may have in favor of immortality. An adopted child still carries all the other issues I have with children, and I find it even more unappealing to raise a child that's not my own blood as well.
I'm entirely confident my position on this matter will never change under any circumstances, and this alone will definitely ruin everything if Kimi can't accept it.
I've made my interests and desires very clear to Kimi, but I have no idea what she herself is into, which is concerning. Certain things I don't find particularly interesting but I'm okay with her finding pleasant, and others would be unbearable and single-handedly ruin everything.
Kimi's fetishes aside, I'm so powerful that I'm worried it's going to be a massive power dynamic imbalance. If Kimi finally believes that she must actually have insanely massive sex appeal to me for me to be picking just being with her over multiple partners, she's going to realize that she turns me on so much that she actually has a lot of power with her sex appeal that has a lot of potential for abuse if she wants to be careless. I feel like someone with the amount of power that I have certainly shouldn't be limiting themselves to a single woman, but at the same time it feels like demanding multiple women is setting myself up to fail. Because my goal is to have an immensely loving, mature, healthy relationship, then I obviously can't force Kimi if I don't get the sex I want from her. She has to be willing every time, and I have a huge sex drive, so I need to be pleasured and cum several times a day.
Even if Kimi's able to keep up with my sex drive, if she knows that I have such a high sex drive and on top of that she is so sexy to me that I find her hotter than an entire harem of women, she's going to realize that she has so much power with her sex appeal that it's terrifying to me that it would seem there's no way that she's going to be able to control herself not to take advantage of and abuse the fact that she's the only person I can ever have sex with.
Effectively, she can be extremely hurtful, end up making me extremely upset, and all she has to do is take her clothes off and approach me naked or in latex, and she'll always end up getting her way with me because I'll be too horny to resist her. Unless I'm going to become a degenerate and start cheating on her, which ruins our relationship, then she's going to start simply demanding things and being controlling and brutal with the massive sex appeal that she knows she has, and there won't really be anything I can do about it.
I'm extremely concerned that there becomes seemingly no reason why she has to refrain from taking advantage of this massive sex appeal that she knows she has, and that eventually she's going to take advantage of it more and more, and that's going to ruin our relationship because as I said I don't enjoy being denied of anything, which goes especially for sex, and I'm certainly not trying to be used and abandoned. I'm not trying to be taken advantage of and milked for all my money, energy, knowledge, and any other resources; the only thing I'm trying to get milked of is cum out of my cock, and I'm worried she's not going to be wanting to milk me in a truly satisfying way if she realizes that she has so much sex appeal she can take advantage of.
Basically, she ends up left unchecked because I have to only have sex with her and she's going to be able to openly flaunt in my face constantly that she's so sexy to me that I'd rather have her than multiple women at the same time and that as a result she knows I'll never stop craving her and she gets to pretty much do whatever she wants to me and I just have to take it if I don't plan on leaving her. I want to give my bae an amazing life, hopefully everything she could ever want and more, but being left unchecked allows her to become boundlessly demanding, toxic, and erode at and eventually destroy our connection.
Even worse is that even though I'm making this so clear now, if our relationship were to fail later because she's not satisfying me enough, I become the bad guy. What's most frightening to me is that there isn't even any kind of partial solution to this. I simply have to trust her (and hope she has a huge sex drive like me).
I want to stress that this should be a healthy relationship, which means that neither of us should be holding in our concerns about anything. We should be communicating well to each other at all times.
I'm transgendered, which means that although I was born a man, I see myself as more of a woman, and I definitely wish to much more clearly express that outwardly in the future eventually. In my case specifically, I do however really like having my dick, particularly because I want it very regularly thoroughly pleasured by my partner. I ultimately consider myself a woman with a dick that has some tendencies towards masculinity/isn't afraid to express myself in ways typically considered masculine.
As a result, I know that whatever woman I end up with must like women to a very significant extent to like me. I have worry that she might resent me for denying her of being able to comfortably have sex with a woman with a vagina, regardless of how much she may deny it. At the same time, she must certainly like that I have a dick.
This is something that our relationship can overcome if she expresses herself honestly should she feel that way, but it's going to erode at it slowly but surely if she feels afraid to be honest.
I'm also worried she's going to eventually feel like by choosing to be with her exclusively, it's as if I wanted to force myself to be tied down when I really shouldn't be to the extent that I am, as if there was something about being controlled or restricted that I inherently enjoyed. That's certainly not the case, but I'm really worried she might start trying to "read between the lines" too hard and is going to end up feeling like I have some repressed desires that perhaps I'm not even aware of; that's very concerning for me because I'm very conscious of things like that where over time there might be certain things that I definitely don't feel but they might end up being misunderstood and ruin the connection.
As a woman who'll get to know me feels more intimate and comfortable with me, she might feel like she knows things about me that I am keeping as a massive secret from her or perhaps that I don't even know about myself, and I've been trying my hardest to avoid any kind of misunderstandings like that because this working out properly means the absolute world to me and I can't afford it ending up fucked up over some convoluted implication thing like that. You'd think simply communicating would solve this, but when the foundation our relationship being very complicated could lead to excessively trying to "read between the lines", even stating a position clearly verbally may not really be understood as such.
This applies to a much broader scope than the example I just presented and perhaps I'm overthinking this. Regardless, that's the whole point I'm trying to make; in this regard, it should be made very clear that we should be speaking our minds very transparently with each other, and when something is very firmly stated as such, we should feel comfortable being able to take it at face value and not have to wrack our brains trying to interpret hidden meanings or alternative intentions.
Being open and honest is no excuse to be toxic. Transparency is necessary for ultimately maintaining peace and facilitating mutual growth, but I want to be very warm and gentle constantly and shower my partner with tender love and affection; they have to be able to both accept that gracefully and reciprocate it well.
Writing a book about single-handedly destroying the world if I can't have Kimi may seem like quite a shaky foundation to many, but I see it as the most solid foundation a relationship could ever have. I have all the purest and warmest intentions, and if Kimi has a good heart and loves me, then our relationship should be very pleasant for both of us and very well built to last eternity. This is what I've always wanted.
This ties in strongly with concern about a revenge plot as well as concern about being used and abandoned. I'm not going to be revealing all of these secrets very early on in the relationship, so Kimi shouldn't be expecting that. Still, I want her to become stronger as time passes, so I'll have to gradually share more and more, eventually telling her most of what I know. She'll be able to become very powerful, and I need our relationship to be strong enough that I can feel very confident she's not going to share this information with anyone nor ever use the abilities that she acquires against me.
Being extremely intelligent isn't an inherent requirement I ever had for a partner, but whoever I'm with needs to actively work towards achieving the strongest core value possible, the same one I have, until they achieve it. Since I have this core value and function at such a high level, and also because it's necessary for mastering the quantum energy arts, my partner must also achieve this core value in order for us to work very well together for a very long period of time. It's also necessary for us to retain a healthy relationship in general.
It's terrifying to me that late in a relationship and especially after marriage, my partner might start dangling sex in front of my face like a carrot expecting me to beg desperately for it and then denying me most of the time of it or making me work very hard to get it. I feel like it doesn't matter even if I become considerably physically attractive; she'll know I have an extremely high sex drive and want to be pleasured by her practically constantly, so she never has to ask me for it or even act like she wants it at all and she'll know I'll still want it so badly that I'll have to ask her for it myself, putting me in an unacceptably weak position in the relationship.
I worry that eventually her ego is going to become massive because she has no good reason to be humbled and she'll end up expecting me to let her bang other guys, possibly even watching, and expect me to thank her for doing it. That would definitely cause an unhealthy relationship because I know that's something I could never enjoy, and the relationship would end up failing, her even trying to blame it failing on me, stating that she thought I liked it.
In general, one most likely will not simply let go of their ego because they choose to, but rather life must put them in circumstances where they are pressured to and they must be humble and realize that it is the right way to go and figure out what it really means and how to act properly.
I'm terrified that simply even leaving that seeming like an option for her will leave her under the impression that letting her lose control of her ego and treat me pretty much like a dog is what I secretly want. It certainly is not what I want and I'm being completely honest about that, but I really don't know how much of an impact simply having that position will have when the circumstances remain as such.
The only true solution is for her to rid herself of any active ego entirely, solving this problem, which can only be achieved with a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension.
Essentially, there are multiple very good reasons why if I don't get to date and eventually marry Kimi and spend the rest of my life with her, then I absolutely have to give up on ever having any kind of meaningful relationship with any romantic partner, and I either have to give up on ever getting sex and just jerk off to women for the rest of my life, or I have to only have sex with prostitutes and random sluts, and that's always going to feel very empty and meaningless to someone like me that seeks deep emotional connection and meaning in my relationships. Without her, I'll never be able to find a satisfying romantic relationship, and since I absolutely need that kind of a connection in order to ever feel happy, I'm going to end up extremely depressed, miserable, and I'm going to end up destroying the world and that is an absolute fact.
If it doesn't happen soon, then it's just never going to happen and there's definitely no good reason whatsoever for me to ever believe otherwise. With the situation how it is, things will be progressing further soon, and Kimi has to decide to go one way or the other with our connection. If things start to really seem like they'll never go the way I've been hoping, I'm not going to have any good reason to believe it's ever going to go how I want, I'm just going to feel even more alienated from society than I already do, and going into complete isolation and destroying the world is going to very quickly start holding great appeal to the point where I certainly will end up doing it and then any hope Kimi has to make things right goes away and everything's fucked.
Ever since I started my connection with Kimi, I've spent the last three years trying my hardest to passionately pursue her instead of working hard on game development, which I would have been very significantly progressed in by now had I not stopped it entirely to devote myself to Kimi. I gave up opportunities at fame, both in a potential position on the CX Network that I could have got when I went to meet Ice, as well as debating with Destiny using my knowledge of philopsychology. I'll always have a very tense connection with Kimi if we don't end up together, which I find unacceptable if I was to pursue fame, at least while remaining in society to actually make use of it.
I've made sacrifices for Kimi that I can only ever make once in my life and therefore only build an emotional foundation with someone in that way once. I picked her as worthy of my time, energy, love, and trust. After people saw the kind of intensity and passion that I would pursue Kimi, there have been multiple women on more than one occasion that have expressed interest in me and attempted to get my attention. Even certain girls that I was friends with in the past online before I met Kimi started expressing interest in dating me. The girls that I didn't know that expressed interest in me, I never so much as said a word to them. The girls I was friends with that started expressing interest in dating me, I maintained as much distance as possible and eventually cut them out of my life as quickly as I could while not doing so in a hostile manner. I was giving up relationships with women I found appealing, dreaming of Kimi, before I even knew she actually existed. I put everything I had into my connection with Kimi and now I must know if it was worth it.
Despite all the difficulties in our connection, I still have so many warm feelings towards Kimi. She's the woman I'll forever be absolutely convinced is my vision of an absolutely perfectly voluptuous goddess and my absolute dream woman in all respects. Not only is she absolutely flawlessly perfect in every single way physically, she's also the perfect combination of cute and sexy. I've decided to hope that she's been doing all of this out of a deeply passionate desire for a relationship with me that she only ever imagined in her wildest dreams. I've written this book hoping that she has a warm heart inside and her cold behavior is simply a result of her past traumas and the difficulty of the situation.
I've made my decision and now it's time for Kimi to make hers.