WARNING: This contains both intellectually complex and mature content. Not advised for children or the weak-minded.
01. Disclaimer
02. Chapter List
03. Thinking
04. Core Values
05. Identity
06. Fear
07. Value Systems
09. The 5 Steps
10. WHY
11. Energy
12. Disclaimer 2
13. Hate
14. Lust
15. Love
16. Attraction
17. Standards
18. Legacy
19. PAID MY DUES
20. The International Ultimatum
21. The International Ultimatum Follow-Up
22. Potential
23. Purpose
24. Following
25. Communication
27. Postface
Objective reality. What a loaded term. Two seemingly simple words, but meaning that's so deep it's completely beyond the vast majority of people's capabilities to comprehensively comprehend.
I'm not talking about the fact that there are seemingly countless activities, skills, and bits of knowledge that anyone would be much more than eccentric to suggest one can digest in a single lifetime for any individual without advanced quantum energy arts knowledge. I'm talking about objective reality on a fundamental level. The absolute truth and cold, hard facts that remain when there is no subjective bias to cloud one's perception.
A lot of people think they know how to really think. A lot of people think they do it a lot. Perhaps nearly as many also think they do it quite well.
The thing about thinking is that it's not how much of it you do or how intensely you try to do it, it's much more about functional efficiency. If you don't do it much, you'll end up a straight up idiot. If you do it very intensely but incorrectly, you'll end up extremely anxious and/or depressed. If you only do it when you really need to, you'll end up a sheep in the herd.
You shouldn't just be thinking, you should be thinking critically.
Reasoning is the process within which one attempts to understand information given through any of the senses. Keep in mind that mental stimulation counts as a sense; the sense of general awareness.
The true process of understanding is attempting to emotionally and logically consolidate input from the external world with your internal interpretation of it. To understand something is to successfully achieve that.
Emotions are a biologically driven reaction to external and internal stimulus. They're rooted in the subconscious. They contain logic but aren't necessarily logical.
Logic is the consistent patterns that bring about your perception of reality. Pay careful attention to the fact that logic is the consistent patterns themselves, not the process of consolidating them. Consolidating them, emotionally and logically, is the very way I'm defining understanding. Being logical involves utilizing understanding in combination with logic in order to reach for truth. Understanding utilizes the consistent patterns, but the patterns don't utilize understanding. Being logical and what logic is as a concept are different things.
Thoughts and emotions aren't the same, although most people live life as if they are, simply backwards-rationalizing to give themselves the illusion of control they don't even remotely have. Emotions are the driving force behind all thought, whether you're aware of their presence consciously or not, but the thoughts themselves and the emotions that drive them are two separate things. They just happen to have a strong connection in cases where an individual is very consciously aware of them and desires to express said awareness clearly.
Some would argue with the assertion that the universe is fundamentally probabilistic. Why it's objectively the most rational stance is because although the universe can act in ways very likely or even perhaps certain to be deterministic in certain contexts, for example 1+1 is always objectively 2, at a fundamental level, the patterns that gave rise to these more static and deterministic contexts are so heavily involved with various variables that we can't possibly account for with sufficient accuracy within the scope of our awareness, given that we must always consider there are factors we don't know that we don't know about.
The people that think the universe is fundamentally deterministic live their lives with the mentality that what will happen will happen. While obsessing over things in your life that have already happened and you can no longer influence isn't going to be healthy nor productive, applying backwards-rationalizing to justify simple acceptance of the past isn't fundamentally healthy either. The same applies to obsessing over the future.
Understanding the past, contemplating the future, and active awareness of the present are all absolutely mandatory, of course in carefully balanced combination, in order for the most functionally effective state of awareness.
Perhaps it's more clear to specify then that the nature of reality, at least as it's most functionally effective to contemplate upon and attempt to adapt to in the most efficient manner, is probabilistic. The very basis of accepting the universe is fundamentally probabilistic implies accepting the possibility that it's deterministic, however, as that position leaves much to be desired as far as leading to very flexible and optimized thought processes, regardless of the true nature of reality, because it cannot ever ultimately be known to our perception to be deterministic if it is so, it's only truly objectively rational to act upon a universe that is fundamentally probabilistic.
Some of the much more intellectual individuals that I've had the pleasure of dealing with have presented me with the position that a lot, if not all, of the things I present within the scope of philopsychology are pieces of knowledge that several religious sects and their teachings already cover considerably. Of course, with the exception of the quantum energy arts.
I see the point being made and can acknowledge that a large portion of the material in the field of philopsychology that I cover in this book has in a way, depending on the mental facilities of the individual and their ability to interpret information presented to them, already been presented and explored to a considerable degree in other teachings that have already been present for quite some time.
However, philopsychology carries with it two very distinct and extremely powerful differences and factors that provide additional information, which either individually or (especially) combined, makes a drastic difference in the functional effectiveness of the teachings within the context of practical, objective application.
First of all, even if the fundamental concepts presented in philopsychology are in many aspects considerably similar to the teachings of various religious sects, an extremely notable difference is that the information is presented differently. Now, on its own and in a general sense, the information being presented differently would make philopsychology no greater than all the aforementioned teachings which only differentiate themselves from each other using that explicit and exclusive criteria. With that single factor taken into consideration exclusively, philopsychology becomes nothing more than just another distinguished school of thought, essentially a religion that is in denial of being a religion, effectively making it a considerably poor school of thought to follow given that any person being exposed to it would instantly see the blatant contradiction and question not only the intent in presenting it as such but also the integrity of the system as a whole.
The relevancy and point of interest as it pertains to the presentation of the information being different from that of any other existing school of thought is the understanding that the presentation of the information being digested is critical to the understanding of it. Because philopsychology presents all the aspects of objective reality within an entirely rationalized and objective position, it's therefore the most objectively clear and concise presentation of the given information. This means that it's most conductive to facilitating an individual's understanding of the material with no subjective biases present in the work itself, leaving only the subjective biases present in the reader's perception as a possible point of failure in effectively and completely understanding the material presented.
In short, what all other significant schools of thought have in common is that they attempt to present largely the same fundamental understandings about the nature of reality, but distinguish themselves through the differences in presentation, which is reliant on the subjective bias of those that wrote it. The interpretation of works is subjective, but the single truth of objective reality is objective. That's where philopsychology distinguishes itself among others that may seem similar.
Additionally, quantum energy arts, or at least at the highest tier level of 3, aren't taught in any other existing school of thought. Now, this may seem like quite a bold assertion to make, particularly without extensively breaking down every other school of thought known in their entirety, however the evidence present within the real world actually makes it painfully clear that it's the case.
If this information was known to any significantly sized school of thought, we'd certainly see several individuals, especially all world leaders, possessing, utilizing, and flaunting this knowledge and their resulting abilities openly.
Now, it may be argued that quantum mechanics relates to how one perceives the world and thus is literally the basis of various other teachings already.
Indeed, how you perceive the world is the foundation for how you modulate it. This, however, must be put into perspective. Because perception plays such a significant role in the way one interacts with the world, that's precisely why understanding it with complete clarity is so important. This is a detail that all other schools of thought lack with their teachings. They have far too much of a focus and assign far too much significance to many highly subjective details that intrude on objectivity. This extensive inclination towards subjective bias in the teachings is then reflected in those that follow those teachings, and especially when combined with their already present subjective bias from their active egos, is the reason why we have things like terrorists that bomb buildings in the name of their religion.
Most people in this world believe themselves to be completely mentally healthy. That's exactly how I know that most of them are delusional. There's a very significant distinction between healthy and functional. Most people aren't mentally healthy, they're just mentally functional.
If most people in the world were actually completely mentally healthy, the dogmas of the massive cults in modern times that are typically referred to as religions wouldn't be running rampant. This book would never have had to been written because refined pure bidirectional apprehension would've been taught about in schools. Politics wouldn't be a clown fiesta. A lot would be different. A lot.
True and complete mental health is achieved when one has no duality between their inner dialogue and outward beliefs. It's a state only truly achieved when one fully liberates themselves of any active ego. The state known in philopsychology as achieving a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension.
Completely accurate perception of objective reality comes from a complete lack of any subjective bias clouding one's perception; the end result of complete liberation from any active ego. In order to be able to grasp objective reality with complete clarity, one must be able to neutralize any internal emotional imbalances which result from past experiences, current preoccupations, and future goals and concerns. This is achieved by fully internalizing the understanding that one must weigh the past, present, and future all with exactly equal significance at any moment in time.
A key player in the way one perceives reality is the significance to which they assign the acquisition and interpretation of experiences in general. Most people see experience as either a tool or a goal, and it may vary depending on context, but they have one of those two views on experience that they consider the default, and likely the more "correct" view on its significance. This typically also applies to the significance to which they assign logic, however their default and potential for variance in that regard may differ.
This is a poor perspective to have.
Experience should be a tool and a goal. Logic should be a tool and a goal. Neglecting to consider all the facets of one's perception of reality will leave them with a perspective that can never be holistic.
But who needs to actually be healthy when you can just be functional, right?
It's been said that time heals all wounds.
Well, I'm telling you that all time really does for most people is give them the illusion that they're dealing with all their issues properly when all they're really doing is trying to ignore them as much as possible and pretty much hope they'll somehow magically go away.
Admittedly, depending on exactly what it is, it's indeed possible that simply ignoring something unpleasant or undesirable from the past may more or less render any notable significance it has in your life marginal, but not only is the essence of this mental process fundamentally unhealthy and promotes growth of active ego, it's also very obviously not even functionally effective when the context is a more major problem that you can be very certain will never randomly go away, especially if there's some kind of fixed deadline and you're aware of it.
Holding on to the past may not be healthy, but it is necessary when lessons are yet to be learned.
The subject that needs to learn the lessons may be you, or it may be another person, or perhaps even a group of people. Whatever the case may be, trying to trivially dismiss issues that unsettle you and brush them under the rug when there's at least one party involved that needs to learn something is not a good idea. Depending on the situation, if it's something pretty minor, it probably doesn't unsettle you much and you're able to find peace simply letting it go.
On the other hand, when it's something that deeply upsets you, something that eats away at your core and your very desire to live, it's a very different story. When you know you've been deeply wronged, and especially when it's the same person or group of people that have deeply wronged you that are the people trying to tell you to forget about it and move on with your life, you should never listen to those people.
Of course, after someone's used you, milked every drop of usefulness they see out of you, and given you little to nothing, or even just far less than you deserve, in return, they'll want you to forget about it and move on from the fuckery they're inflicting upon you. They'll be very eager to see that happen as fast as possible. More than that, they need it to happen. They desperately need it to happen, in fact, because otherwise, they know what's happening next. Redemption. Revenge.
Of course they want you to just take it, like you're their bitch, on this planet only to be used like a tool by those who find use in you, then tossed aside like trash once you've given them what they wanted.
When these kind of people tell you to just let it go? Someone needs to learn a lesson. Now, perhaps that person is you. Sometimes, you may be the one who's messing with the wrong person. However, unless it's clear to you that's the case, as much as they'll obviously tell you otherwise, they're the ones that need to learn a fucking lesson.
It doesn't matter how much pressure you feel. It doesn't matter how many people try to convince you to forget. You have to listen to your head and your heart very carefully, and you have to have a clear enough perception of reality to know what they're really saying.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not suggesting you start being petty and holding grudges every time someone rubs you the wrong way. In fact, what I'm getting at is far from that. What I'm saying is that before you start going down a rabbit hole, put everything into perspective. Ask yourself how much it really hurts you and what it really means for your life and future. What kind of physical, mental, and spiritual consequences, short and long-term, result from any event that deteriorates at your health to any extent, mental or physical, that concerns you. That concern is there for a reason. To teach you something. To show you something. To guide you somehow. You just need to figure out what it's trying to show you.
If someone's just being petty, it's pretty much always best to just let it go. Turn the other cheek type thing. Again, putting things into perspective is very important. You don't want to waste time and possibly put your health and/or resources, such as money and freedom, at further risk than they already perpetually are in this world we live in, especially over something that's not worth it.
However, if it's something that hits you where it really hurts, something that you know has scarred you deeply, perhaps even for life, then you must do something about it and it must be significant. You'll never be okay again otherwise.
If someone inflicts something upon you, something that makes you feel unhealthy, mentally or physically, and they inflicted that on you because they were being unhealthy, mentally or physically, that's totally not okay.
If you've had to deal with many people that have treated you in unhealthy ways and each person mercilessly left their mark, not really caring if they left you unhealthy as a result of their unhealthiness, and it effects you long-term day to day, that's not something you should ever take lying down.
Holding on to things may result in you not always having healthy thoughts. It may result in you not always taking healthy actions. But it's better than letting go of who you really are.
When something hits you deep, the person or people who hurt you haven't just damaged your health, they've deteriorated at your will to live. They've attacked a part of who you are. They've tried to take a piece of you away from yourself, a piece of you that you never intended to give away and should never have to lose. You'll never be the same again.
And it's all their fault.
An intelligent individual frequently questions the intent of those they interact with.
A genius, however, knows that frequently is not good enough.
One must always question anyone's intent in anything they do, if they hope to ever achieve acquiring a fully objectively accurate view of the most beneficial course of action to take in response to interacting with anyone else. This is because any individual that doesn't possess a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension has, by understanding of the nature of reality, fundamentally malicious intent in every single thing they do, whether they are aware or accepting of this fact or not.
As a result, until one has been presented with enough evidence to be absolutely certain an individual possesses a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension, which in order to do accurately they must first themselves possess a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension, they must constantly question the intent of any individual in their life in every situation, without fail, if they aim to put themselves in the best possible position in this brutally cutthroat world.
The nature of living beings (and not being limited to humans either) is founded on survival. Survival is fundamentally competitive by nature because resources are ultimately limited within the space time field. Competition lends itself to malicious intent to rise above. Therefore, it rationally makes much more sense to suggest all living beings are inclined towards malicious intent by default as a result of the nature of reality.
The reason why an individual with refined pure bidirectional apprehension as a core value doesn't fundamentally function on a drive of malicious intent is because they have learned and fully internalized how to go against their fundamental base drive that considers survival, in any and every perceived form, physically and mentally, to be of the highest ultimate priority. From a purely psychological perspective, this is the highest level of enlightenment possible.
Now, this doesn't mean by any means that they'll never participate in, or even themselves initiate, activities which involve malicious intent towards others. However, the way they operate when they do so is fundamentally different than those that don't possess this core value. They approach the angle of malicious intent from an entirely calculated, objectively rationalized and backed angle. This means they don't involve any emotions with subjective bias, and as a result, the final output of their emotional content in such situations has a far stronger impact than that of an individual that loosely flings around their emotions with subjective bias.
Any individual without a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension is simply utilizing objective reality as a necessary facet of feeding their emotions, as opposed to using their emotions as a facet to feed objective reality.
Simply hearing this description of what's going on underneath should allow an even only somewhat intelligent individual to be able to easily see quite clearly why the approaches an individual with refined pure bidirectional apprehension as a core value takes to situations involving having malicious intent are far more powerful than that of someone who doesn't.
In the same fashion that simply being intelligent can be used for good and bad purposes, being free from subjective bias caused by active ego (which is an entirely separate matter from any degree of being intelligent) can also be used for good and bad purposes, naturally becoming amplified in magnitude using intelligence.
Only subjective truth can ever be described by fundamentally subjective beings as tacit. Objective truth is foundationally complex in nature and requires careful evaluation.
Additionally, in order to truly appreciate anything, one must establish the subject matter in question and what can be interpreted as appreciation for it. Without establishing a love or hate position towards it, you're not appreciating it at all, simply observing.
There is no "ultimate ethos", only ultimate understanding. A truly versatile ethos would be adaptable and perpetually changing so as to not be well defined within the constraints of its own context. Extreme versatility as a primary characteristic then resolves to a focus on the foundational understanding of it.
Collaboration is a practical consequence as a part of survival, but it isn't the fundamental driving force. Even collaboration is done in order to ultimately facilitate a competitive advantage. By no means have I failed to consider that an entity doesn't necessarily have to "grow" to use more resources, and not only does that have nothing to do with the idea of only a single entity surviving in the end, it only further proves my point that resources are limited and this facilitates cutthroat competition.
Entities can support a collaborative effort with others while still maintaining a generally competitive and cutthroat attitude and lifestyle; it happens all the time in the real world. Just because a CEO takes care of their partner and possibly children, doesn't mean they can't be a shark to their client base and/or employees.
You may disagree that the subject matter attached to appreciation ultimately stems from a love or hate of the aforementioned, but that doesn't change the fact that without a firmly established attitude towards something based on a decided positive or negative view towards it, you can't form any solidified stances to do anything more than observe it. Even seriously suggesting that an established position on appreciation of subject matter can possibly have absolutely no relevance to either positive or negative emotion indicates an excessive attempt to distance yourself from your emotions in a fundamentally unhealthy way.
Understanding that reality is driven by the value assigned to different things carries with it the understanding that there must be something, one thing, that an individual values above everything else within the context of their existence. This is known as a core value.
There are 3 main brackets within which every possible core value falls under: bidirectional apprehension, forwards-rationalized apprehension, and backwards-rationalized apprehension. Bidirectional apprehension has a few variants which different core values are derived from, whereas there is a whole pool of forwards and backwards-rationalized core values which can be either, based on the perspective and context the individual is using as a reference frame when deriving value from their core value, however are clearly distinguishable from bidirectional apprehension variants due to their inherent quality to be either forward-facing or backward-facing but not account for a broader perspective of both simultaneously.
A very important point to keep in mind is that with every imperfect core value, there is equal if not greater force for the positively-oriented focus to conversely manifest itself as its negative counterpart. I'll talk about several possible common forwards and backwards-rationalized apprehension based core values and then break down each bidirectional apprehension variant all the way up to the most powerful core value possible of refined pure bidirectional apprehension.
It's important to understand that the technical strength of a core value isn't intended to be stating that every individual should aim for the strongest core value. Each person has their own life with their own goals, path, obstacles, and luck, and it very well may not necessarily be suitable for every individual to pursue having a more powerful core value. It's up to the individual to look at themselves and the way they live their life and determine if they think there's good reason for them to want to change the way they think and how exactly they believe they should go about doing so.
Guidance from someone very experienced in this area such as myself may be helpful to people who decide they definitely want to change their core value, but in the end it's always up to the individual to decide themselves if they truly believe they want to change their life in the first place. Without sufficient willpower and receptivity to changing, even the most experienced cannot change a person.
There are many core values that when considered in simple terms resolve to a backwards or forwards-rationalized apprehension-based core value. These can be things such as:
This isn't to say that you shouldn't seek these things or enjoy them in a general sense. Rather, it means that valuing any of them the most in your life leads to a weak mindset. Generally speaking, the stronger your core value is, the more of these lower level attributes you'll be able to acquire, and do so with greater ease than otherwise.
Since the foundation of the mentality of these people is much weaker than that of those in the bidirectional apprehension bracket, they are much less likely to become considerably successful in life if they retain their existing core value and don't progress to at least some bidirectional apprehension variant. This very well may still be sufficient for them to meet their personal goals and achieve the lifestyle they desire, which is why as mentioned earlier it's inaccurate to make the assertion that every person must strengthen their core value.
It takes considerably more willpower to obtain and maintain a core value within the bidirectional apprehension bracket, so those that are more careless or perhaps even just less driven towards greatness in life in general will remain here. Since nobody is simply born with exceptional critical thinking abilities, one is always born thinking within the constraints of this tier of core values and must actively work to break free from it and progress to a bidirectional apprehension variant if they truly wish to grow mentally as a person, at least from a technical perspective. Otherwise, one can go through their whole life never actually considerably improving mentally as a person.
Growing or changing as a person doesn't mean you're actually improving your mindset from a technical perspective, it just means you may be thinking about different things or trying harder when you think about them; this doesn't necessarily mean you're doing a better job at thinking in general or that you're actually applying the things you're thinking about into the way you live your life.
Refined pure bidirectional apprehension put into more simple terms can be best described as completely clearheaded objectively quantifiable maturity. You could also call it pure love, but that's very confusing and vague-sounding for a lot of people and probably ends up sounding to most like some hippy shit as opposed to the true meaning of how powerful it actually is.
If you believe it to not be the strongest core value, that simply serves to demonstrate the extent to which your core value is akratic and distant from it.
The result is someone that is definitely ultimately unbreakable at a core level.
The ego, as a whole, comprises all that is the perception of a living and cognitive being. There is, however, a very important distinction between active ego and passive ego.
Ego is the entirety of an individual's perception, including all thoughts and experiences, whether conscious or subconscious, regardless of whether they are or have ever been consciously accessible/identifiable.
An understanding of this interpretation of ego is fundamental to forming an accurate view of objective reality.
When contemplating ego, often, the primary focus of attention people have is trying to define what exactly a gratified ego is. This is an extremely flawed approach. Gratification isn't something you apply to ego as a whole, it's something you feel at a given moment.
It's like happiness. You don't say your ego is happy, you simply feel if you're happy or not at any given moment. You're also capable of reflecting on past moments and remembering if you were happy in that moment or not, but that also doesn't necessarily mean your ego as a whole was happy at that point. Keep in mind what the supplied definition of ego covers.
There are two fundamental divisions within which any portion of one's ego falls under. Passive ego and active ego.
Active ego is what people are talking about when they say someone has a huge ego. It fundamentally comes from a place of emotional imbalance. As human beings are not born perfect and emotionally balanced creatures, it's no surprise that they're born with a predisposition towards having active ego. Active ego can be demonstrated to a very significant extent, even if it's not recognized by others in a specific context or environment. Its effect isn't necessarily always entirely destructive, however it typically does more bad than good.
Passive ego is the ego most neglect to carefully consider. In contrast with active ego, it fundamentally comes from a place of emotional balance. While this certainly doesn't mean that an individual displaying it is actually emotionally balanced as a whole, it does indicate that they're sufficiently capable of appropriate behavior at least some of the time. The fact that most people live their lives trying to push themselves into this state and only when absolutely necessary, as opposed to being driven to be pulled to it constantly, is the reason why they have fundamentally weak mentalities.
A major area of consideration as it relates to ego is the formation of expectations. One's core value forms desires, which go on to form expectations, culminating the process in actions.
Expectations can come from two distinct places. One kind of expectations are very healthy, while the other kind are very unhealthy. Expectations based on an accurate application of the consideration of the universe being fundamentally probabilistic in nature allow for rational probability-driven motivation to identify and pursue goals one makes. Expectations based on emotional reactivity, however, are entirely driven by active ego and are very unhealthy in nature.
The most flawed mindset you can adopt is one of having a core value of logic in an attempt to reach for safety in your life.
Any core value not fundamentally adopting logic is far more loosely grounded in reality as well. From a grounding perspective, using logic allows you to ground yourself better, but if that comes from a fundamental place of not being grounded with your emotions and fear you are more firmly grounded in your dilusionality in a way.
When properly employed, logic is the most practical core value.
Adopting logic as a core value to embrace fear of the objective reality is more concretely grounded in objective reality than adopting logic as a core value to embrace safety because the universe is fundamentally probabilistic and embracing fear using logic is a fundamentally more probabilistically accurate way of living life as it more accurately reflects the nature of life bringing about the paradigm most in line with it.
The problem is that adopting a core value of logic in an attempt to reach for safety is fundamentally flawed because it is a performative contradiction. It only makes sense to adopt a core value of logic embracing fear of the reality that results from the nature of your existence. Let me explain why.
Because you can't logically feel completely safe if you try to define and express your identity completely clearly, the core proposition of your ideology promotes not labeling identifying with an identity as rational or irrational but simply states it is entirely dysfunctional.
Fundamentally, you are who you are whether you let it bring you down or raise you up. If you apply emotional modifiers inappropriately, it can very easily hinder you; this becomes much more easy to do and likely to happen when these experiences are extreme (whether good or bad).
Now, while it makes sense to emotionally distance yourself from your identity in a fashion that facilitates freedom from emotions that otherwise hinder your ability to function at your highest degree of efficiency, it is completely outlandish to deterministically claim that any form of identifying with the patterns that bring about the reality as you perceive it is completely dysfunctional.
Why, you ask?
Using comfort, you are basically stripping meaning of everything until there's literally none left and this puts you in a constant state of negative emotion subconsciously. You're not neutral or positive, no matter how much you may try to convince yourself you are. It's eventually going to become too much for you to handle and you're going to end up performing at your worst.
Turning your emotions off is very different from seeking emotional balance. Human beings are fundamentally emotional creatures; living one's life trying to turn these emotions off is going to result in increasingly unhealthy coping mechanisms forming.
If you instead use fear to assign probabilities to thoughts with ease, you are closest to emotionally balanced as possible, therefore making your logical evaluation abilities at their best too. This process may seem nearly indistinguishable to someone who sees intellect as intellect regardless of the emotional backing, but to someone experiencing it, they can clearly tell the difference between the crippling and frustrating effect of trying to turn their emotions off versus carefully working through them.
The practical outcome of your ideology as presented is that you have a persistent notion that while your sensory perception would seem to indicate you exist and your experiences are your own, at least as you have perceived them, you are constantly fundamentally in denial of the presence of the identity which only exists at all because you exist in the first place. This is what is logically accepted as a performative contradiction.
This effectively slowly strips away any meaning from your life since you are not fundamentally evaluating things logically to identify the value they truly have in reality (which is naturally affected by your perceptions of both the subjective and objective reality), you are effectively behaving like a robot that only applies rational thinking for the sake of being rational because you see no better alternative.
This is EXACTLY the mentality that fundamentally drives cults and it is extremely dangerous because in practice it means you are making rational decisions based on seeking emotional comfort instead of embracing the inherent fear that a universe of a probabilistic nature as your own ideology states would naturally imply.
Since a delusion is a belief that is held with strong conviction despite superior evidence to the contrary, this means you are logically delusional and very concretely grounded in your denial. This doesn't cease to be clinical insanity just because there's a lack of apparent full-on schizophrenic-level auditory and/or visual hallucinations.
If you truly want to be as aligned with objective reality as possible, and the objective reality is inherently probabilistic, then you should base your seeking of logical evaluation on the natural fear that comes along with those probabilities instead of attempting to seek comfort in them when probabilities naturally cause dissonance therefore making any attempt to find comfort in them irrational. This brings about a paradigm shift from denying identity to constantly questioning it.
The result is a fundamentally probabilistic core value and the resulting realization that your true essence is not to blindly logically evaluate everything and attempt to rid yourself of emotion, your true essence is to logically embrace fear to become at peace with the inherently scary nature of reality. That is what real enlightenment is.
Many people will ask, "Why would I ever care about this when I'm living happily without it?"
The answer is that if you want your lack of logically embracing the natural fear reality causes to keep limiting your potential as a human being, then don't care about it. Part of being human is accepting that some humans will want to continue to drown themselves in their own delusionality until the day they die.
And I personally know people just like this, so it is very much a real phenomenon.
Understanding every conclusion an individual comes to and whether or not it is logical or not first requires a premise that the person tells you every single conclusion they have come to, missing absolutely none. You must then have flawless critical thinking ability in order to have any chance at accurately gauging the accuracy of their thinking. Even still, if you personally believe the individual to be hiding any details, you can come to the belief the individual still holds beliefs on solely your own perception.
Since beliefs are inherently subjective, an attempt at making such an evaluation practically holds no real weight. In attempting to evaluate a point of life, you must use a fundamental evaluation of a value proposition. This must be objectively quantifiable in order to objectively measure validity.
If you deterministically state that you don't have an ego without being able to back it up in an extremely concrete objectively quantifiable manner, you are actually demonstrating massive ego. Without a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension, there is no way to have no ego, you can only try. That's what it means to be human. If you want to believe that I live in denial, then you can enjoy believing that I enjoy doing it. I suppose that you shouldn't aim to have no ego, you should aim to be a realist.
A classic example of how your ideology falls apart is one of the common arguments you might give that murder isn't wrong, at least in a way. The definition of murder is "The crime of unlawfully killing a person especially with malice aforethought." Murder is wrong, in every way, at least as far as a position of moral consensus is concerned. Ending a human's life in a general sense, however, can only be rationally thought of as justifiable or not justifiable.
The distinctions in details are very important in truly accurate and objectively quantifiable critical thinking; the meaning of words carries the thought process behind them, so something that may seem like trivial alternative word usage to a lesser intellectual is actually a significant difference in meaning to a brighter individual.
Logically when you have logic as a core value, you automatically will seek to figure out how you can have the most effective impact. But you can harbor logic as a core value seeking safety or embracing fear.
The practical difference is that when your core value is logic embracing fear, you realize that the best thing to do is seek the most practical impact, for both yourself and your environment, in a fashion unbiased with a need for safety.
This leads to a complete freedom from identity that also does not cause you to lose touch with who you are in essence. Basically, seeking safety leads to binary thinking, and that's dangerous.
"How do you logically consolidate being driven by logic to give you safety when the means within which you came to the conclusion to reach for logic through safety were uncertain?"
Everything you live through can be framed and is subconsciously framed through your subjective reference frame whether you like it or not. The practical implications of this are that every experience you have effects your cognitive state somehow. If you ignore that fundamental aspect of evolution you are setting yourself up to be unaligned with reality completely.
Experience is a tool and a goal. Logic is also a tool and a goal. When you use the evaluation of this understanding of these concepts properly, you encounter minimal dissonance possible.
My primary value is being logical embracing the natural fear reality causes. So my ultimate goal is to allow consistency within the entirety of my experience to dictate what is most logical at any given time and do it to the best of my ability.
Some may say, "That's just using experience as a tool with the primary goal of being logical."
Not exactly. Being logical cannot go at the cost of being consistent.
Others worry, "If experience and logic are both goals, which one wins over if they go at the cost of the other?"
You use logic, combine it with experience to increase its probability of being accurate to the best of your ability, then make the logical decision.
Logic is being used as a tool and a goal synonymous with the consideration of the context.
Your consistency comes from making logic your goal and aligning yourself with what you are.
It's illogical to claim a purpose as reality, because it requires your belief to become reality, therefore you can deduct that it must be a concept.
Some may be left wondering, "What do you think about respect, what is it, how do you distinguish between fear and respect?"
I suppose fear feels painful and unnecessary (think terror) while respect is a kind of fear you usually have much less trouble embracing.
There's nothing wrong with wanting to feel safe and secure. There's nothing wrong with wanting to feel comfortable in an environment that feels familiar. Constantly going through drastic or considerable changes and having to adapt to considerable discomfort is not a lifestyle that should be sustained perpetually. Seeking either extreme between safety and danger are both not going to lead to a healthy mentality.
In a nutshell:
The final point is only untrue if your core value is refined pure bidirectional apprehension. Based on what your core value is, the degree of impact your resulting emotional state has on your ability to apply flawless critical thinking in context is generally hindered in relation to how weak your core value is.
As far as being altruistic, the bigger picture is great and all, but the real reason you should want to strengthen your mindset is because it makes your life better on a personal level. If everything else comes as a natural bonus, this allows you to remain appropriately invested and attached and retain a perspective lacking any active ego. That's not selfish, it's simply practical; if you don't look out for yourself properly first, you shouldn't be feeling entitled to have someone else do it for you, even if you're fortunate enough to be able to do so at certain points in life.
Do you have a strong emotional desire to understand everything logically?
Do logical actions flow naturally without discipline?
Do you experience a lot of dissonance if you act illogically or if you have contradictory thoughts or emotions?
Psychopaths and sociopaths are a natural consequence of the human condition and should be identified and dealt with using careful consideration.
A significant lack of understanding in modern psychology exists in the field of sociopaths and psychopaths. It's said that they don't feel emotion. While a general understanding of their thought processes is accepted and there are already suggested ways to identify and deal with them, traditional psychology still lacks the fundamental understanding of what they really are and how they really work that facilitates being able to deal with them fearlessly and possibly even help them to recover from this condition of it's so desired.
A lot of people give me shitty advice, and it's because they don't really care about me or even want to try to help me to any real extent, they simply want to look and feel like they're helping, to make themselves look and feel good to themselves and others, to feed their ego.
This exists pretty much everywhere, in all kinds of contexts. While perhaps most often not malicious in nature, this behavior can very well be quite harmful in different ways, and although it can make a lot of sense in certain situations, it's very often done in situations where it's certainly not necessary nor even particularly logical, but rather simply the easier choice emotionally and the one that provides less resistance. It should be understood that because this is effectively learned behavior that is fake and equivocates to putting on a mask in a sense, it's technically sociopathic behavior. It's selfish and manipulative.
It's important to distinguish that there's a clear difference between being a sociopath and displaying sociopathic tendencies or sociopathic behavior.
At the heart of the issue, however, is the fact that qualifying criteria for a sociopath originates from their relationship with empathizing with others. In a normal person, empathy is entirely an emotional response at the fundamental level of their consciousness. They relate to others and attempt to understand them out of a very natural process of the mirror neurons in their brain seeking a more complete awareness and them wanting a genuinely holistic view and experience interacting with others.
In sociopaths and psychopaths, however, empathy is a learned, rational response to observations about social cues, and only utilizes emotion in a process that's much more logically involved and unnatural. Unlike natural empathy, it's entirely conscious and calibrated using logical evaluation. Because of this, these kinds of individuals can actually be capable of giving much better advice than someone utilizing natural empathy, however trusting them can also be much more dangerous because they can also be much more manipulative.
The key factor that these people possess which separates them from a "normal" person, as understood by philopsychology, is known as a core value presentation mismatch.
What this means is that the core value they present to others and react to social cues with, and the core value that they truly harbor internally, aren't the same. For example, someone may present to others as valuing morals above everything else, when in reality they value money the most in life.
Because they're effectively putting on a mask, the truth is that these people try hard to adapt to their surroundings. They're presenting a certain core value externally because they believe, based on their logical deduction processes, that the core value they're presenting themselves to have will be the most beneficial to give off the impression to those around them that they are of the highest value they could possibly make themselves to be. As a result, the core value they present externally often may change based on their environment.
In order to seem to value something the most, these people have to actually act in alignment with that presentation in order to attempt to actually be convincing to others that they're being honest and genuine. Since this means that what the individual is living their life around others valuing is entirely driven by their perception and evaluation of social interaction and not their authentic personality, the people they surround themselves with become a very integral part of their own personality, and they often end up losing themselves quite considerably as a result.
Their perception of their own identity is so heavily driven by their attempts to carefully evaluate those around them that if they ever reach a point where things become more difficult for them and they start questioning what they themselves actually value most and want out of life, it may become very difficult to unravel all the layers of conditioning they've applied to their psyche. As a result, these kinds of people may end up taking much longer to be able to truly identify their deepest core value because their core value chain has become so convoluted.
In many cases, their lives may never become so difficult that they feel the need to completely unravel their core value and find their true selves within. If they're one of the more fortunate ones, they can still manage to integrate themselves in society and layer on more self-conditioning to the point that they're functional and, at least for the most part, blend in with the crowd. If they're a product of a more traumatic life, they often end up being the really messed up ones that become serial killers and other such criminals.
Now, you may be over there thinking that I must judge these people really harshly, especially since I understand such intricate details about how their thought processes work. Actually, people with core value presentation mismatch aren't necessarily any worse than any individual with a core value other than refined pure bidirectional apprehension.
The final result to me, an individual with refined pure bidirectional apprehension as a core value, is the same. Because I know the nature of their core values and that it's fundamentally imperfect and destructive, I must carefully question their intent in any interaction.
I already have to carefully question the intent of anyone who I'm not certain has a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension, even if they don't have a core value presentation mismatch, so the relevance of the presentation mismatch is only to the extent that I become aware of it and as a result understand how to best maneuver around interactions with said person.
That being said, to any individual with a core value which is also imperfect, meaning any individual who possesses a core value other than refined pure bidirectional apprehension, individuals with a core value presentation mismatch present an increased threat. Individuals who manipulate their own egos do so in order to attempt to manipulate others, and the more capable and willing someone is to manipulate you, the more predisposed they are to using you with a degree of regard to your own interests that you may find perhaps less than satisfying.
In more simple terms, they give less of a shit if they absolutely fuck you up and toss you aside when they're done with you.
Today's society is a society filled with fear and ignorance. Most people fit into a mold because that's what the people around them have told them to do and they don't want to think outside the box. Many people are obese. Many people are depressed. Many people try to lead a simple life without any really ambitious goals. It's a mentality born from seeking safety and comfort at the detriment of growth and maximizing potential.
Seeing objective reality through the lens of a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension is not a place where the faint of heart find comfort or solace. It's not for the average person who just wants to get a job, get married, have kids, and die. It's not for the lazy or simple-minded that find the world to not be a brutally cutthroat place, or don't really care if they do.
It is a place where individuals that truly strive for inner growth and maximizing their potential can find further enlightenment on their path to fulfilling their dreams and experiencing their journey for its maximum potential. A place where the hardened can fortify and purify their soul. A place where humans learn to become gods.
Fear-based emotion works on the assumption that purely rational thinking can be wrong which in reality is just the emotional aspect of thought processes causing a skewed perception of ultimately rational thinking.
The description of objective reality on this site is actually a carefully formed, not rationally falsifiable definition of what objective reality is, which can simultaneously permanently change your core value to bidirectional apprehension when followed perfectly, step by step.
This removes all delusion from all fear-based emotions one experiences.
Once you have adopted a bidirectional apprehension variant as your core value, it is unlikely to have your core value degrade. You are permanently a smarter person.
Bidirectional apprehension might sound scary, but it's not terrifying at all. No matter what your existing core value is, if it is not bidirectional apprehension, it can be connected to either backward-rationalized apprehension or forward-rationalized apprehension at the root level of the core value chain; you are already always subconsciously in fear whether you're in denial of it or not.
The main difference is you are more firmly rooted in your denial because you rationalize solely based on reactive neural networks from emotional responses instead of utilizing neural networks that also react from logical responses to a fuller extent. This is what makes forward-rationalized apprehension much more powerful as a long-term core value before switching to bidirectional apprehension, because it means your existing mindset is already more aligned with the bidirectional energy flow.
Backwards-rationalized apprehension focuses primarily on the past when being reactive to logical stimuli (which is actually directional apprehension flow) whereas forwards-rationalized apprehension focuses primarily on the future when being reactive to logical stimuli. Since a bidirectional apprehension core value far more often will focus on forward-rationalized apprehension, this explains both why it is more ideal as a precursory core value, as well as why most people will encounter it as a transitional core value towards bidirectional apprehension for at least some period of time.
In this life, there are two primary types of fear: apprehension and terror.
Terror is a type of fear that is overpowering, overwhelming, and detrimentally crippling the vast majority of the time. It is very bad.
Apprehension is a much more tame fear that is more about being calculative and attempting to see potentially negative outcomes in life for what they are: possibilities. It is empowering, encouraging, and fundamentally efficient when channeled correctly.
You can choose to accept fear as a natural part of reality and try to channel it correctly, or you can be a pussy and try to run and hide from it.
But guess what? Running from fear only makes it worse later.
When people hear the word "savage", they usually think of someone who is like a wild animal; impulsive, aggressive, and filled with ego.
But there are two kinds of savagery in this world.
As a result, when someone says they are a savage, you can instantly draw the following conclusion: They are either really smart or really stupid.
Do you see yourself as a victim, or are you taking responsibility for what happens to you in life?
There is an immediate assumption that negative is realistic and positive is unrealistic.
The subconscious does not judge, it believes what it is fed.
"Ships in harbor are safe, but that's not what ships are built for."
In order to truly see you must know what it means to truly look. What there is, is not simply what is in front of you, it is a combination of what's in front of you with the possibilities of what could be next.
It is easy to get discouraged when there seems like there is a long way to go, but the harder the struggle, the more unique and valuable the reward.
What makes people great is the greatness they find in themselves to face challenges with a rational standpoint, while not seeing rationality as a weight that drags the calculations and decisions one makes down.
One should ultimately aim to be fully engaged in what they are doing in every moment they are in and see each moment as fundamental to the next, dancing from one moment to the next in a fun way.
Truly fully being in the moment does not mean forgetting or ignoring the past or the future, it means that you have put the right amount of thought into the past and the future to see what the current moment really means to you.
Ignoring the past means you are ignoring lessons you can learn. Ignoring the future means you are ignoring goals you can set.
When you feel like you're down, when you feel like you're out, when you feel like there's nothing left... That's when you need to keep pushing. That's when you grow. That's when you reach new limits you didn't think were possible.
You have to be realistic and re-evaluate your goals and find somewhere there is new room for growth and improvement if you feel stuck.
Saying you don't believe in yourself makes it sound depressing. But if you look at it as just trying to prevent being overconfident instead you can be happy and motivated.
The human mind can rationalize pretty much anything. Once you realize how ridiculous that is, the ridiculous shit that happens doesn't really surprise you, and you feel empowered instead of weakened.
You never know but how much knowing is enough to know you don't need to care. Knowing you're always guessing in a way is really important. Just as important as knowing you can try to limit the guessing as much as possible for the best possible results.
You are intended to learn your path to greatness. You can find a way to feel successful in your own eyes always. People can label and judge you, but your own labeling and judgement of yourself is going to affect you the most. Understanding you can always become stronger is the key to discovering who you really can be.
An affirmation is a positive statement that something is already happening.
Don't let fear control you. When making positive affirmations:
Out talk your negativity.
No extra time is required.
Write 50 things you are happy exist in your day before you sleep.
Say yes to your universe.
Feel the fear and do it anyway.
Religious belief is subjective.
While I don't inherently have a problem with anyone who holds religious beliefs, I do consider them of inferior intellect and critical thinking abilities. As I've previously established, all religions are actually cults. How widespread or generally accepted a cult is doesn't make it any more of a credible source that accurately reflects reality, nor does it make it any less of a cult in the strictest definition previously given.
That being said, I don't inherently have a problem with such people because I realize it improves the quality of life of many people to have this belief. There are many thoughts and feelings that people don't have answers to and want the answers to, and religion gives them peace. It can also act as a guide towards taking positive action in difficult situations, and can even sometimes facilitate forming positive connections with other people who share such beliefs. I see no reason to bash people for these things.
However, I see religion as a band-aid fix on a bigger existential issue that over time tends to have a detrimental effect on an individual's open-mindedness and critical thinking abilities, and as such I find it to be a sub-optimal way of living life.
I would like to mention that I'm not trying to upset anyone with the following. I'm simply stating facts. These facts may not sit well with your belief system, but that's fine, because it's not called a "fact system" so you're free to believe what you want. As such, I do not by any means assert that you should agree with the contents of this chapter. If you want to believe things that aren't firmly grounded in reality with quantifiable evidence and a high degree of rational backing, it's your prerogative to do so.
"Faith is the great cop-out, the great excuse to evade the need to think and evaluate evidence. Faith is belief in spite of, even perhaps because of, the lack of evidence." - Richard Dawkins
God as it is commonly defined and used is what is known formally as an "enthymeme".
First, let's look at the standard layout of an enthymeme.
Now, let's apply it to how people use it to describe "God".
An enthymeme is also known as a rhetorical syllogism. A syllogism is essentially a statement that makes an assertion about a conclusion based on premises. The difference between a rhetorical syllogism and a regular one is that a rhetorical syllogism only presents an assertion for the sake of rhetoric, not to attempt to understand the truth.
With any reasonable level of intelligence, you should easily be able to see why it would be problematic to live your life based around a rhetorical syllogism.
We cannot understand everything because our brains are only capable of thinking within a limited plane with 2 extents: existence and non-existence. Every single thought we produce is contained within these parameters, and the balance our brain achieves in order to consciously realize a thought as such is an imbalance of that plane in a certain way. This offset in balance is an emotion.
In order to truly understand -everything-, we would also have to truly understand -nothing-; because our bodies are not physically capable of understanding -absolutely nothing- once we have understood anything at all, we can likewise never truly understand -everything-.
This is a truly vital realization, as it has 2 main implications:
Essentially, a belief in God comes from a fear of death. One definitive thing people assert about God's existence is that you will go to heaven (or hell, but regardless, you get judged by him first, still asserting his existence in relation to the issue) once you die.
This belief is a belief seeded from other people, retained by a fear of death governed by his existence. What people are really seeking in the belief of God is an attempt to understand -everything-, including death.
Think about how religion defines you relative to God: you BELIEVE in his existence.
If you know of his existence, you no longer have any reason to fear him since you have absolutely no doubt in his existence.
People who believe in God typically tend to ignore this because it is assumed that you will only ever see him once you die.
What all the unenlightened refer to as God is actually just a manifestation of fear they hold deep inside. Created by external sources, retained by them themselves, because of lack of certainty about how the world was created and what happens to them when they die.
Someone initially feeds to them that "God" created it, and that they will go to him once they die, and they build their own beliefs further from there.
Think about how god is perceived: VERY DIFFERENTLY BY EACH PERSON!
If you ask different people, the best they can do to prove God exists is show you something they believe he made. "The clouds in the sky", "this piece of paper", "you" (as in a human being).
If you present to someone who believes in God that God did not make human beings, their parents did, then they just say God created your parents and their parents and so on.
If you ask them, "But how do you know?", they will probably respond with something which more or less means "Because God exists." So God exists because you exist and you exist because God exists? That means if you didn't exist, God wouldn't exist? But according to your definition of God, that is not the case.
Because religion is subjective and not objective, that means that any "truths" contained within it are within the scope of one's personal experience.
Similarly, any "truths" contained within a psychedelic LSD trip are also contained within the scope of one's personal experience.
In this fashion, religion can be likened to an LSD trip.
The individual takes comfort in believing what they want to believe over what objectivity provides them.
The difference is religion is not as blatantly unnatural to less logical thinkers than an LSD trip is, so they buy it as reality.
People often like to use the argument/justify belief with saying something to the effect as "even if it's not real, on the off chance that it is, I don't lose anything by believing", using religion as an "emergency escape" or just believing to the extent that makes them comfortable. "God doesn't make mistakes as everything He makes He said it is good!"
Cancer is pretty damn good right?
Since you believe God to be omnipotent, that means you believe he created all the things in existence. Not just the pleasant things or what you want to say he did.
You can't pick and choose what is God's doing and what isn't while at the same time saying God controls everything.
Either God doesn't control everything, in which case everything else you believe in crumbles apart, or since he does control everything, he made everything, including all the horrible diseases, disabled individuals, and everything unpleasant/unfortunate in the world too.
In that case, he's more so an evil ruler that likes to watch us suffer and struggle through life (because like it or not life is a constant struggle) and for what purpose? His own amusement. What a good guy, huh? That's who you're believing in.
The bible says the bible is right so you believe it? The internet often does the same, do you believe everything you read online? Of course not!
Do research, think logically and take a step back to examine what you are dedicating your life to. Otherwise you are just another mindless religious follower (regardless of your holy text of choice) falling in line to pay the establishment you follow for lying to you.
If you're looking for real information, you need to reference multiple sources before coming to a conclusion. Preferably something not quite so biased as a targeted holy text.
If god is always right
And what is right is real
That means god is always real
And the only thing that is always right is objective reality
Because objective reality is the only thing that is always going to be real
Therefore god is objective reality
"God" is really a synonym for reality.
The reality of reality is that every person is intended to be different and hold different beliefs and perceptions of their internal and external worlds. All the various interpretations of reality are merely a compliment to the complex nature of the essence of life and all that can possibly be perceived to be what is known to each individual as real.
In a sense, everyone is their own "god". We control what we're thinking, what we're saying, what we're doing, to a very large extent. At the least, it isn't all too useful to believe otherwise.
Instead of looking to mindless rhetoric, you can look within yourself for answers. It's not always easy, but when did life come with any guarantees it was easy?
Being creative is being a little bit crazy in just the right vibration. With that in mind, you should understand, God is completely insane.
Being a realist is not "right" or "wrong", it is simply a wholly logical perspective on the topic of religion. Because religion is entirely based on emotions, an entirely logical view towards the topic chooses to essentially ignore it as a factor of one's existence entirely, except for the obvious fact that it can be a reason that can end that existence at any time.
Logically speaking, the existence of any religious God cannot be proved or disproved based on how God is defined, therefore the statement that God exists is, objectively speaking, simply a suggestion and not a fact. Even if you are blind, deaf, and mute, however, objective reality can still firmly prove its existence to you.
To put things into perspective, one can assert that a pink unicorn exists within their basement, however it cannot be seen, touched, smelled, or otherwise have it's existence verified in any logical way via available human senses or reasoning; it is simply said that it exists.
Most people would take the logical view on the topic that because the suggestion is defined within parameters that do not make it verifiable in any way, and therefore that is the only reason it also cannot be proven incorrect, that it is merely a belief of the one making the suggestion and will not believe it is the truth because they recognize that in that case, it is only as real as they make it to themselves; they will likely come to the conclusion that the one making the statement about the pink unicorn and taking it seriously is on one or more mind-altering substances or perhaps clinically insane.
If I try to imagine the active presence of an entity defined in the fashion God typically is being present with dialogue in my life, it doesn't seem difficult to define what it would be like.
The strength and high degree of rational thinking typically associated with males, combined with the tender understanding typically associated with females.
Acutely aware of the facts that govern objective reality in a completely holistic manner, while also being acutely aware of their emotional impact upon myself and others.
Wise to the deepest extents and yet humble enough not to attempt to take advantage of it and use me for something in order to share.
Sounds just like the voice inside my head.
I think the only reason people have trouble "talking to God" is because they're just really bad at critical thinking and/or emotional awareness. You need a very high degree of both in order to experience such a meaningful dialogue.
Many people are terrified of drugs. For some, even if they have to take them because they are sick or in great pain, they do so hesitantly.
This is not necessarily a purely negative approach to the topic, as many people are not intelligent enough to use drugs properly in a non-habit-forming fashion. Acknowledging it is an intelligent thing to do in this case.
However, dealing with taking or not taking drugs out of blind fear as opposed to intelligent, critically thought out decision making, just like using that thought process for any other topic, is foolish and can often produce sub-optimal results.
There are only 2 underlying reasons why one would consider using drugs:
There are only 3 good reasons someone would be hesitant or resistant to taking a drug:
There is only one reason people get addicted to drugs:
While taking them, they do not pay attention to usage patterns and do not use the drug in a critically thought out, tame fashion. Instead, they use it in a much more mindless, gradually accumulative way which gradually increases dosage to the point that they eventually need a certain amount of the drug to simply feel normal.
They do not take any kind of usage breaks (as they are not even attempting to seriously determine if it is necessary) to achieve normality without any of the drug in their system, which over time, forms a true physical (and possibly also mental) dependence on the drug.
Only licensed doctors are legally qualified to tell you to take a drug, and even then, they mess up regularly too. It's not about perfection, it's about critically thinking the usage scenario and context through, and reducing potential for harm to the maximum extent possible while still having sufficient reason to believe the desired effects will be achieved.
If there is a desire to do a drug, strong enough to even really be considering it, fear should not be a limiting factor in potential usage. One should do adequate research on the drug in question beforehand, and always start taking a very low dose (a "threshold" dose) to be able to efficiently identify all notable effects the drug in question has on their body during the onset of its effects.
If you start with a very safe dose, the worst that could happen is you don't feel much or any real noticeable differences, however you are protecting yourself very efficiently from any potential to form an addiction from inappropriate, excessive early usage (which is likely how most, if not all, drug addicts go wrong when starting their usage).
If no notable effects were felt, the dose can be slightly increased with progressive usages (keeping within safe bounds) in order to be able to safely, carefully, and efficiently decide on ideal dosage amounts.
I would stay far away from any drugs that don't have at least reasonably well-established dosage thresholds. If there's even the slightest possibility that you could overdose and die from a dose simply because you don't know what amount is actually accepted as safe to take, it's fiend-level and addict behavior to consume any quantity of such drugs.
An ideal dosage will of course vary depending on the core intent of the drug user in taking the drug. Obviously, when one starts taking a drug strictly to feel less sober (get "high"), as in probably most recreational use contexts, the potential for abuse is increased, which means even more care must be taken in the dosage amounts and frequencies in order to safely prevent abusive usage patterns from forming.
Remember, taking a drug to get high does not mean you will form a habit. It is consequent usages, seeking a more intense "high", particularly at increasingly frequent intervals, that forms a habit.
It is important to always keep in mind current and past usage patterns; dosage amounts and frequencies, noting the effects achieved from them.
By constantly criticizing your usage patterns in your head, you will be better able to determine when you see an abusive usage pattern forming, and being aware of this is the best way to protect yourself from any serious abusive usage patterns forming.
By being aware if usage is becoming abusive, one can then quickly and easily take measures to reverse the process early on, while still easily doable, as opposed to when they are far into destructive usage patterns.
In the end, the most important point to keep in mind is that it is not the drug that gets you addicted, it is how you use the drug that forms an addiction.
The fault is not on the drug, but the user. Likewise, the responsibility to prevent getting addicted is also on the user, not the drug.
A drug user can potentially be addicted to any drug, but it is the user themselves (specifically their usage patterns) which caused the addiction.
It is the user's responsibility to use the drug responsibly; the drug will not magically produce a predefined, fixed degree of effects which inherently protects a user from addictive potential, it is up to the user to dose in a fashion that will be productive to their quality of life, and not the other way around.
With these things in mind, any drug used will not form an addiction and will have a beneficial impact on an individual's life during the usage period.
Realism is not a religion, but those with an unbreakable frame of reality follow it religiously.
What this means in practice is that being a realist is not just something you implement when you feel like it or when it's convenient, it's an extremely fundamental part of who you are, and you must identify with it so strongly in order to truly follow it that you fully internalize that it's what your life stands for at its core essence. In this way, being a realist becomes a very active part of your personality, which is the unique way that you express information.
Your personality is driven by your frame of reality and your primary value, and since properly following realism causes an unbreakable frame of reality and an extremely powerful primary value, it should go without saying that an individual that is a true pure realist will undoubtedly possess a very strong personality.
It is a common misconception that realism is either merely a glorified form of pessimism, or a naive form of optimism; this is not the case.
Reality is comprised of both good and bad elements, and without accepting the negative elements of life, one cannot fully understand and appreciate the positive elements for what they really are. Conversely, without understanding and appreciating the positive elements for all that they could be, one cannot accurately grasp and accept the negative elements to understand why they're present and what could possibly be done to minimize or eliminate them.
Realists understand that the reality is that every person is intended to be different and hold different beliefs and perceptions of their internal and external worlds. All the various interpretations of reality are merely a compliment to the complex nature of the essence of life and all that can possibly be perceived to be what is known to each individual as real.
No matter who you are, what you do, or how you think, understanding value systems will help make your life better.
Realism is grounded in reality, and reality revolves around the perception of value within each individual's conscious experience of life. Being a realist requires a high degree of engagement with reality, which means an active interest and participation in your own life as well as the lives of everyone around you. This adds value.
Value can be defined as the significance an individual identifies with any form or expression within the context of their individual reality. One’s value system then becomes the set of principles and preferences that make them feel good or bad.
This has 2 major implications:
Now before we go any further, perhaps it's worth answering the most obvious question you may have at this point: why should you care? Well, whether you like it or not, whether you're fully aware of it or not, value is the most fundamental life mechanic that drives everything that happens in your experience of life. Understanding what it really means and how it really works will effectively help you to become a much better person for both yourself and the people around you, allowing you to live a much more fulfilling life.
In every interaction, people are looking for a value exchange. The more positive value exchanges you can facilitate between another person, the closer they'll feel to you. Because the scope of value is so vast, you can attempt to facilitate positive value exchanges in a very wide variety of ways. Your ability to identify and maneuver around value exchanges in as optimal of a way as possible is going to be determined by your understanding of value systems.
Primary value is the fire within you.
It's not just what you're thinking or what you're feeling, it's everything that you bring to an interaction before someone's met you. What drives you to wake up every day. What drives why you do what you do. Why you believe you are who you are. You know that if there is nothing else, you still have your primary value.
No matter what anyone tells you or does to you, your primary value is always only going to be as strong as you will allow yourself to make it. Your attitude is what drives primary value, and the more realistic your attitude, the more unstoppable you are. As such, the more realistic your attitude, the higher the degree of primary value you demonstrate the capability for.
Individuals with an unbreakable frame of reality have the highest capacity to discover and experience primary value at all times.
To discover your primary value, you have to remember that it's already there inside of you.
It's not about developing something new, but rather finding something inside of yourself that really moves you. To train your primary value, you really have to confront who you are and what you bring to the table for your environment. You must remove fear and give yourself fully to the world, seeing what it gives back.
You have to see what you stand for, and what works and doesn't work for the kind of life you want to live.
As far as how it feels to know primary value, this is what many call a "flow state".
This is essentially being totally in the moment, where your past is behind you, your future's ahead of you, but you're not thinking of those things; you're present in the moment. Some would call this being "in the zone". You feel at peace with the world, but at the same time full of energy.
It can also be thought of as a feeling of self-assurance arising from one's self-appreciation of one's own abilities or qualities.
Passive value is everything else that other people can see without even knowing you.
This is a derivative of your primary value. Maybe it’s a lot of money. Maybe it’s a nice car. Maybe it’s the fact that you’re really physically attractive. Regardless of the specifics, this is a more “shallow” form of value that, while certainly nice to have, does not truly determine what kind of person you are, your intentions, or how you will act in any given situation.
It can also be thought of to a quite significant extent as the story you tell yourself about who you are, and the story that other people tell themselves and their friends about you. This story of your life can be one of the most compelling parts of who you are.
To achieve a genuine passive value, anything that represents your passive value should be a function of a genuine interest in your own life.
Often, we end up framing uncomfortable experiences from a negative perspective. However, upon performing deeper introspection, we can often learn lessons from past experiences, get over any emotional baggage they make us feel like we're carrying, and the resulting reframe allows us to grow as a person.
This happens in 3 fundamental steps:
Active value is the value you bring to the table when you interact with others in your environment.
This is also a derivative of your primary value. While your primary value drives why you do what you do, your active value measures how much positive value you can add to interactions with other people and therefore the overall quality of their life. Passive value can play a role in aiding to add active value, depending on the circumstances.
There are three kinds of active value: personal value, impersonal value, and distinguished value.
As the name suggests, this kind of active value is based purely on the fact that it is centered around the person considering the value.
They effectively put themselves in a position of greater importance than final value, and this causes unhealthy thought cycles. While it's not unhealthy to think of oneself when considering circumstances and situations they are faced with, focusing on personal value causes a distorted frame of reality. Having a distorted frame of reality will result in less-than-ideal results regardless of the circumstances.
Conversely, impersonal value is the kind of active value that is based purely on the fact that it is centered around the environment of the person considering the value.
They effectively put their environment in a position of greater position than themselves, and this also causes unhealthy thought cycles. While it's not unhealthy to think of one's environment when considering circumstances and situations they are faced with, focusing on impersonal value puts one's own needs at an importance which undermines their existence, and that won't result in completely healthy decision-making.
Distinguished value is the kind of active value that results from carefully distinguishing between personal value and impersonal value, and effectively taking both into consideration when providing active value.
One effectively puts themselves in an undistorted frame of reality, which allows them to produce healthy thought cycles. It's unhealthy to put too much focus on oneself or one’s environment when providing active value, and that's specifically why it's fundamental in providing impersonal value that one considers these things to be of equivalent importance to maintain an undistorted frame of reality.
Final value is an all-encapsulating measurement of the objective significance of every aspect of value combined.
It is the only true measurement of a person’s real worth.
Each individual aspect of value plays an important role in final value, but none of them individually can even remotely measure overall value of a person as accurately as final value. The higher one’s final value, the less distorted their frame of reality is. The less distorted one’s frame of reality, the more accurately they can gauge the final value of others. This will gradually improve one’s cognitive reality loop.
Only those with a solid cognitive reality loop are eligible to have an unbreakable frame, and only those with an unbreakable frame are eligible to master projecting final value. Final value can only be accurately quantified by an individual who has a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension.
An individual’s frame of reality is essentially the way they perceive the reality they are faced with.
This is also known as the subjective conscious experience.
The more significance an individual attaches to any undistinguished active value, the more distorted their frame of reality will inevitably become. Conversely, the more significance and focus attached to distinguished active value, the closer one becomes to having an unbreakable frame.
An individual with a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension has a frame of reality that more accurately reflects objective reality than an individual with an inferior core value, both in pleasant and unpleasant extents.
Having a solid cognitive reality loop is what facilitates internal congruence, which is when your verbals, non-verbals, and inner frame are in alignment. This leads to interaction congruence, which is when others’ frames are positively influenced by yours.
Having a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension. Always looking to increase your primary value. Always aiming to provide as much distinguished active energy to your environment as possible. Confidence to appreciate your single life for all of the freedom it gives you. Knowing how to find the right person when the time is right. Knowing how to have the strength to maintain as healthy and fulfilling a relationship as possible once you find that person. Being fully immersed in reality and having the supernatural mindset.
The process by which an individual with a solid cognitive reality loop and an unbreakable frame can learn to master manipulation of inner controlled aggression and use quantum energy in order to facilitate exertion of their energies in incredible ways.
This is an extremely advanced concept, and if you choose not to believe in it, you don't have to worry about it until someone capable of utilizing it presents themselves in your life.
It should not be the reason one seeks to become a realist. With great power comes great responsibility.
Value can only be truly measured in net positive gain.
While it is possible to gain personal value from reducing final value for others whether it be physically or mentally, the net positive gain is harshly affected in these cases. The only way to always provide as much positive value as possible is to be completely independent of the good and the bad opinions of others. This is often referred to as "ego loss" or "being enlightened".
For those not in this state, the only way to achieve this state is to look deep within your ego, face yourself, analyze what parts of your thinking are causing unhealthy thought cycles, and slowly break them down to restore mental health. This is definitely easier said than done.
While many people are aiming to achieve this state, there are those that do not have a value threshold, and thus, simply do not care.
An individual’s value threshold is essentially their capacity to consider value. Every individual has an individual value threshold. While there are a wide range of individuals with acceptable value thresholds, the only individuals you should truly be scared of are the ones who lack a value threshold entirely. They will focus solely on personal active value, regardless of the circumstances, and therefore have the most unhealthy thought cycles possible.
These individuals always possess a core value presentation mismatch.
Every person with an unbreakable frame follows the natural mindset. This means looking at interactions not as something to get something out of and not with an agenda to be able to brag about to others in a future setting. This mindset has a few fundamental characteristics.
Skills are a learned set of behaviors that are properly calibrated to add value to a person's life. Acquire a set of skills that you can roll out at different points in time. In this way, these skills become a part of your personality.
Value as it relates to interpersonal interaction is derived from individual expression. Every expression has a unique form:
When that unique form is good, it gives us value. When that unique form is bad, it takes value from us. When you express, you are either adding or taking value.
Anything you do or say which...
Your beliefs about the world in various areas are going to shape and define the way you interact and therefore your ability to add value. Each position can be more or less appropriate depending on context, and it can take very careful calibration to determine which is truly the correct perspective in more difficult situations.
The intrinsic meaning that people assign to their experiences is something many don't really think about deeply. What default meaning do you assign to incoming data? There are different positions to take when contemplating on experiences that you're framing within your perception, and differing views will produce different thoughts and results, and putting it all into perspective and acquiring and retaining the positions that will have the greatest probability of producing the results you're looking for is always going to be the ideal way to go about thinking about things.
This is quite a lot of information, and it'll very likely take a while to understand all of it. Even then, understanding it is only the beginning. The really difficult part comes in the lifetime it takes to really internalize this information and perform every action you make in life to the best of your abilities.
Nobody’s perfect, and this is because it is the mistakes we make when the times are tough that truly define our character. Always trying to learn and improve is the only way to make the best of what you have. All that being said, everyone is different and your life is yours alone to live. Nobody can tell you the person you should or have to be because in the end only you can truly decide.
Free will has caused many things, both great and disastrous, to happen but it is there regardless. The reality is that the world is not an extremely stupid place, and if you try pushing your luck too hard, things are going to backfire. The chances that you are willing to take are entirely up to the life you want to live.
Understanding all of this information will be the beginning to improving one’s primary value and frame of reality. This translates in practice into confidence in dealing with other people and the problems life throws your way along with an overall more contented yet prepared mindset that facilitates a more focused and happy lifestyle.
The ultimate goal I'd say would be to acquire a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension, acquire and practice the knowledge of tier 3 quantum energy harvesting meditation, and live a very long existence with a high degree of value that you find in life for yourself, while also providing a high degree of value for your environment.
Having absolutely no active ego, meaning you have a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension, means you have an unbreakable frame of reality, and subsequently, an unbreakable will. You may be wondering if there's a very, almost overly simplified way to state this. There is.
You live in objective reality.
Stay high and get shot down.
Stay indifferent and remain irrelevant.
Stay grounded and there's no stopping you.
Try to do no harm, then show no mercy to those who still harm you.
Facilitate critical thinking by promoting honesty.
Sooner or later we all go through a crucible.
Most believe there are two types of people who go into a crucible:
But there is a third type: The ones who learn to love the fire.
Who choose to stay in their crucible because it's easier to embrace the pain when it's all you know anymore.
Living is not for the weak.
"You do not think thoughts simply because they are there."
Thinking is a very high-capacity ability. We experience thoughts as emotions. The clearer we are able to think, the clearer these emotions are able to become.
Your thinking ability is roughly split into 2 thinking categories:
When these two thinking abilities of an individual are reaching an ideal balance, that individual is best able to channel their total thinking ability into what they are thinking in the "real" physical material world.
Since each portion of thinking ability feeds off the other, ideal balance is achieved with optimal awareness of control.
People are too often afraid to become aware, have control (knowledge), and find balance within themselves as they exert their power (use their knowledge) over the world. Do not be scared of removing limits from your thinking in general, be scared of removing limits carelessly.
Any power an individual has, they deserve, because once knowledge is obtained, time cannot be reversed and so since the individual managed to gain that power, unless someone would kill them (or otherwise inhibit their potential) because of it's acquisition, they are free to exert it as they please...
However, every smart individual understands that with power comes responsibility and in order for them to have ideal circumstances, they would be best off exercising the most responsibility possible.
If you're not honest with yourself, there's no point going further.
Your existing core value is going to logically inhibit your ability to accurately identify your core value.
Even trying the next step becomes a waste of time.
Facilitate correctly identifying your core value.
We build up models of how we see the world outside of us and the more information that we have the more we refine our model one way or another.
What we ultimately do is tell ourselves a story about what the outside world is.
Any information that we process, any information that we take in from the environment is always coloured by the experiences that we've had and an emotional response that we're having to what we're bringing in.
It is only when you understand that you don't understand, that you can begin to learn.
Truly love and accept logic as a fundamental part of your existence.
What you value above anything else within the context of your existence.
Your core value can change throughout your life based on your experiences and the knowledge you derived from them. The previous core values you had do not always just disappear, and build links to form your complete core value chain, all the way to the end where your current core value is.
Refined pure bidirectional apprehension is clearly the most superior core value because not only does it truly allow you to understand that safety is a concept that does not truly exist, but it also allows you to cope with that fact in the healthiest and most functionally effective fashion.
This makes forwards-rationalized apprehension the most compatible pre-existing core value from within which to reach for any of the bidirectional apprehension variants, because more often than not forwards-rationalized apprehension (contemplating the future) is used as opposed to backwardsrationalized apprehension (contemplating the past) in efficiently functional individuals with bidirectional apprehension variants as an existing core value.
Proper cognition involves bidirectional apprehension. This is by default a state that considers the self and environment of appropriately scoped importance. It generally leads a lot more to a right action mindset.
Every core value chain resolves to one of 3 core values at the lowest level.
Backwards-rationalized apprehension is contemplating the past, this is usually purely emotionally/impulsively fueled but can implement rational thinking.
Some individuals can have a core value of backwards-rationalized rationalization, which may make them unable to reach for bidirectional apprehension ever. This core value can be identified using a diagnosis of Paranoid Personality Disorder.
This core value eventually leads to either "Pure Paranoia" (perpetual sheer terror) or "Paraphrenia" (perpetual sheer panic).
In cases where other illnesses may be present, such as schizophrenia, this leaves the individual vulnerable to variants such as paranoid schizophrenia.
Forwards-rationalized apprehension is contemplating the future, this is usually driven a lot more by the rational thinking part of the brain.
Some individuals can have a core value of forwards-rationalized rationalization (intermittent terror or panic) but it is often easier to overcome than it's backwards-rationalized variant.
Bidirectional apprehension is actively using critical thinking to put your headspace in a state where you can flawlessly switch between backwards- and forwards-rationalization as necessary to form an ideally critically thought out world view that accurately takes into consideration the probabilistic nature of reality.
Everything you do is fundamentally driven by the consistent patterns that bring about your perception of reality.
If your logic tells you the bottle is blue, the bottle is blue.
Logic, however, does not make things true.
| Stage | Description |
|---|---|
| Conceptualization | The core of an idea is identified |
| Realization | The idea is more fully realized and it's form starts to take shape |
| Visualization | Detailed construct of layout and functionality of relevant data is produced |
| Recreation | Visualized concept is implemented in practice, and initial testing to confirm successful replication of intended idea is performed |
| Confirmation (optional) | Others test and provide feedback to potentially further refine and polish concept |
Understand that any core value not using logic as a tool and as a goal is fundamentally flawed.
A dick has a sad life. His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his best friend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.
Most people come from a place of ultimately accepting safety as a core value, whether more directly or through logic as a means to an end.
Ultimately, the only practical difference between core values is how aligned with reality they are.
Actively seeking safety feeds backwards-rationalized core values and leads to binary thinking, which is binary opposition between thoughts.
A binary opposition (also binary system) is a pair of related terms or concepts that are opposite in meaning. Binary opposition is the system by which, in language and thought, two theoretical opposites are strictly defined and set off against one another.
If you've already understood your current core value isn't refined pure bidirectional apprehension and that it should be, the next rational thing to do is to realize you really have to live your life understanding and applying the implications of what you know.
Safety is a concept that does not truly exist.
"All through time, people have basically acted and reacted the same way in the market as a result of: greed, fear, ignorance, and hope. That is why the numerical formations and patterns recur on a constant basis.
The game of speculation is the most uniformly fascinating game in the world. But it is not a game for the stupid, the mentally lazy, the person of inferior emotional balance, or the get-rich-quick adventurer. They will die poor."
Understand that the best insurance against ego death is a contemplative, strong inner self-identity.
An ego defined in this way is resilient against loss of money, reputation, physique, family, and friends.
Ego death can be very painful, and there is no way to protect completely against it.
Continue to embrace the natural fear that your perception of a fundamentally probabilistic universe entails.
You will always be scared. To be alive is to be scared. You can't run or hide from it for real. Fear is what ultimately always drives you.
If you use logic to navigate embracing it instead of pushing it away, you can radically change how you experience life.
For many things, your attitudes came from actions which led to observations which led to explanations which led to beliefs.
It is well known in psychology the cart of behavior often gets before the horse of attitude.
Attitude is a feeling, belief, or opinion of approval or disapproval towards something. Behavior is an action or reaction that occurs in response to an event or internal stimuli (i.e. thought).
Your actions tend to chisel away at the raw marble of your persona, carving into being the self you experience day-to-day.
It doesn't feel that way though.
To conscious experience, it feels like you are the one holding the chisel, motivated by existing thoughts and beliefs.
It feels as though the person wearing your pants is performing actions consistent with your established character, yet there is plenty of research suggesting otherwise.
Your choices and free will are going to be defined by your intellectual ability to take distance from your belief system and ideas and look at things from a bigger perspective.
The things you do often create the things you believe.
Individuals without refined pure bidirectional apprehension as a core value are prone to having an active ego, and when their ego gets activated, they start demonstrating narcissistic behavior which sows the seeds of discontent within the intersubjective reality. This can eventually lead to them knowingly or unknowingly ruining all the relationships with people that they have.
Here are 5 fundamental traits that a person without any active ego (meaning they have refined pure bidirectional apprehension as their core value) will never demonstrate:
Some individuals have taken to telling others they are "intellectually masturbating" when faced with the facts.
Don't tell people they're intellectually masturbating because it makes you clinically insane.
Telling someone they're intellectually masturbating is the closest thing to intellectually masturbating that there is.
You're a pro or you're a noob. That's life.
WHY by NF is an absolute masterpiece of a song that demonstrates an extremely high degree of pure bidirectional apprehension which is made even more powerful by the content being relatable to a lot of people at least at one point or another.
It's very important to understand that relating to just one or several of the portions of the song, or even the entire song but only in one point of view, does not demonstrate possessing pure bidirectional apprehension as a core value yourself. The song does however serve as a very strong foundation from which to elaborate on the concept in a more concrete way that can allow someone to attempt to understand the depth involved much better than probably any other way, largely because of the emotional impact and a sense of being able to relate that are conveyed through it.
Remember that there are actually two variants of pure bidirectional apprehension (refined and unrefined) and also due to the complexity of the concept there are a lot of lines that can actually be interpreted in two or even possibly more distinctly different ways.
"What's your definition of success?"
Right from the start, this is one of many lines that can be both actually posed as an actual question left unknown really even to himself but also seen as a rhetorical question that demonstrates the following content provides an explanation for the question being posed that he already knows the answer to.
The name of the song is WHY. With the very beginning starting talking about pondering success, that makes it clear that a critical part of his identity revolves around his perception and course of action towards success. This brings about many more questions that always come back ultimately to why does he even do what he does at all.
Succeeding in one's goals, and by extension clearly defining those goals and a road map to achieve them, is absolutely necessitated to facilitate achieving them.
"I don't trust the thoughts that come inside my head"
Constantly striving for success and trying to redefine it and shape it to see its true form and purpose in one's life requires a lot of not so much self-doubt but more so general doubt of pretty much everything.
In order to see things clearly, you have to constantly question what is even real, and only through doing that extensively can you actually start to see the way things really are. There are so many secrets and hidden messages all around you all the time that if you're not even aware that they are there and that you'll probably never really see every single one, then you'll never be able to try to properly understand the truth of the world around you with proper clarity.
This becomes even more apparent with the fundamental value proposition that there is always room for growth, improvement, and learning. Trusting the thoughts you have without carefully weighing all the possibilities and without remaining level-headed about situations will cause you to make sub-optimal decisions at best and very dangerous and/or costly decisions at worst, which depending on the circumstances can be really detrimental to the quality of your life short-term, long-term, and even potentially forever.
"I don't trust this thing that beats inside my chest"
A lot and maybe you could even say most people see fear as a purely negative emotion that you should aim to just completely get rid of or just try to suppress to the maximum extent possible.
The reality of the way life works is that trying your hardest to run from fear is actually counterproductive to the goal of ultimately liberating yourself from it, because you fail to realize and accept that in doing so you are actually feeding it and promoting it's growth and increasing it's power over you and your life.
Being able to see and accept all your emotions, positive and negative, is the only way that you're ever going to truly be able to overcome the negative ones and deal with the hand life dealt you in the most productive and healthy way within the constraints of your capabilities and limitations.
"Who I am and who I wanna be cannot connect, why?"
A lot of people can relate to feeling like who they'd like to be and who they are can't meet for one or more reasons, whether this drives them to attempt to make it happen or serves to eat away at any motivation to try.
This also ties strongly back to the previous two lines about not just trusting your mind or heart easily because if you trust them easily then you facilitate the continuation and possibly the increase in the severity of this disconnect that every individual without a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension will experience.
"Don't think I deserve it? You get no respect"
Seeing, understanding, and reacting to respect are all actually much more complicated than most people think.
There are many factors that come into play in all of these areas and most people consider respect something that's basically common sense but particularly in more complicated situations it's not so clear-cut. Even in less complicated situations, in several kinds of cases, people would react differently faced with the same situation if they were trying to act with their idea of being respectful in mind.
An individual with either variant of pure bidirectional apprehension as a core value has an acute sense of self-awareness and self-respect and as a result will recognize the appropriate nature of reciprocating a lack of respect in the most tactful way when faced with a lack of respect even in untactful ways, possessing the necessary intellectual and emotional control and maturity to handle unfavorable situations in a sharp and clear-headed way.
"I just made a couple mill, still not impressed Let You Down goes triple platinum, yeah, okay, okay, I guess Smile for a moment then these questions startin' to fill my head, not again!"
NF's foundation was not always so strong. He comes from a rough past where he dealt with abusive parents and he had his share of struggles and in the process of trying to prioritize and figure out what he really wanted and how to get it, he always reflects and in looking back realizes how foolish he feels for thinking that so many things he used to think would make him feel fulfilled and happy do not do so even after he has gotten them.
It's reached a point where he knows he could run from his problems but he can't run from himself and now he's taking a different approach to dealing with his problems because he sees his old solutions will no longer work.
The next 3 bars can be interpreted two distinctly different ways: A state of unanswered emotional conflict or a rhetorical question due to answered but unsatisfying conflicting life experience.
"I push away the people that I love the most, why?"
The first way to interpret this is as an observation that there is a massive disconnect in the way that he feels towards people and the way he ends up treating them and he's not really sure why but somehow it just feels emotionally right and that combination leaves him in a state of intense inner conflict.
The alternative interpretation is that he understands why this conflict exists, because the people he loves the most treat him very poorly and unfairly and so he pushes them away because they deserve it. However, he's left still feeling like he loves them and perhaps somehow that they love him back, and this leads to a very unsatisfying and emotionally conflicting scenario even more so than in the first interpretation because there is reasoning and understanding present but the emotional conflict exists despite that and is only in fact strengthened as a result.
"I don't want no one to know I'm vulnerable, why?"
The first way to interpret this is that he always has good intent and he knows that, but he's seen that acting openly and honestly that way just leads to people taking advantage of him so he feels like he needs to hide any vulnerability and it just feels so wrong that things are that way and is just left emotionally conflicted about what to do about it.
The alternative interpretation is that he's accepted that he hides his vulnerability because he knows he has to in order to avoid being taken advantage of and it makes sense to him up to that point but it still leaves him even more conflicted because then he's left wondering why things have to work that way since that still leads to an unsatisfying outcome that he feels distant from everyone and the same goal he tried to achieve by hiding his vulnerability is left just as unsolved if not even made worse by choosing to do so and it seems like even with thinking things through that there's no desirable outcome available.
"That makes me feel weak and so uncomfortable, why?"
The first way to interpret this is that he just vaguely feels weak and uncomfortable despite behavior he adopted to attempt to avoid feeling that way and as much as he thinks about it he still can't come up with a proper answer as to why those conflicting emotions still exist.
The alternative interpretation is that he knows and accepts that he acts the way he acts to avoid feeling weak and uncomfortable and it does help to some extent, but the fact is that even knowing what he's doing and why still leaves him with arguably even more unsatisfying answers and he's left feeling even more weak and uncomfortable as a result and he's left furious that trying harder to be both smart and a good person only leaves him even more hurt overall than just not giving a fuck and it really seems like the world shouldn't work that way but he clearly sees that's what's going on around him.
"Stop askin' me questions, I just wanna feel alive until I die"
This can also be interpreted two distinct ways.
The first is addressing the answer as if he's talking to a therapist trying to work through his emotional struggles and he's giving the simple emotionally resonating answer that just makes sense when trying to dig into his perception on the matter.
The second is as a self-response to his own questions he's posing to himself in self-reflection and telling himself to stop asking these questions to himself and try to just keep living life and trying to experience his way into answers or try to search for answers in a more productive fashion that doesn't just reiterate all the existing issues he's well aware of that only serves to feed his inner sadness and anger and therefore only make the problem worse and make him feel more dead inside.
"This isn't Nate's flow, just let me rhyme, I'm in disguise"
NF is actually his initials; his name is Nathan Feuerstein.
The first way to interpret this is that this song was not written entirely by him and he's admitting to it and showing that he's willing to do so either due to feeling a desire to himself or as a result of feeling pressured by the people who helped with this song. It serves to show the depth of truth in multiple other parts of the song as reflected on both NF himself as well as the other people who also contributed to the creation of this song.
The alternative, which only becomes more apparent as a possibility after listening to later parts of the song, is that he's referring to his fear. The fact that he feels like his fear controls him and its the fear, not even his genuine identity, that is the source of the bars he's rapping. Since the bars don't portray fear, it shows that the fear is disguised by the intensity of the subject matter.
The part about flow on its own can also refer to the sound of the flow of the bars resembling that of another rapper, although that's a more shallow interpretation. In that case, the words that follow could symbolize that he's opening up that even for how real he is in his raps, in a sense it's still a disguise and not the complete picture of who he is; something that would understandably be very frustrating to someone that really likes to keep things real.
"I'm a busy person, got no time for lies, one of a kind"
The whole purpose of this song is to provide an explanation of why he does what he does.
NF takes a very unconventional route in his approach to the kind of music he makes and the lyrics he puts into his songs and it leaves him exposed and vulnerable to the world in a much more deeply rooted emotional way than other artists. His music is very deep and real and he's saying clearly that one of the reasons he chooses this approach is because he has ambitious goals and sees only one effective way of achieving them and as a result he's constantly busy and takes a no-bullshit approach to life and this song is absolutely no exception to that.
"They don't see it, I pull out they eyes, I'm on the rise!"
The vast majority of individuals have active ego. In fact, literally every single person without refined pure bidirectional apprehension as a core value has some extent of active ego, even those with the unrefined variant (although in that case theirs is typically considerably smaller than that of anyone with a weaker core value, even if they choose to express themselves in a way that makes it seem that such is not the case).
Active ego causes a skewed perception of objective reality due to subjective bias and the only way to deal really effectively with that scenario when the stakes are high is effectively to basically brute force through that subjective bias wall and forcefully necessitate individuals with skewed perceptions of objective reality to face the truth that they are trying so hard to deny because they feel entitled to being able to do so simply because they are alive and capable without going to jail or other explicitly apparent severe repercussions.
"I've been doin' this for most my life, with no advice"
Since most individuals do not have either variant of pure bidirectional apprehension as a core value, that also means that by extension most individuals are not qualified to give advice (or at least any useful advice) to an individual who does.
The result is these individuals must figure out pretty much everything in their journey in life on their own and that causes emotional strain the longer it's going on. Having to do so for most of his life goes to show how severe the buildup of emotional strain has become at this point and further explains the depth of why this song is such an accurate representation of why he is the way he is.
"Take my chances, I just roll the dice, do what I like"
Pure bidirectional apprehension as a core value is already a considerably hard concept to grasp and really understand and apply in your life in general regardless of variant and there is also the issue of clearly distinguishing between variants and understanding and applying the difference between them as well.
One of the critical pieces of information to grasp understanding and applying it in your life is that the universe is fundamentally probabilistic (this understanding comes primarily from quantum physics) and what this means in practice is effectively accepting that ultimately nothing is truly guaranteed in life, for example there's literally no guarantee I'll wake up in the morning tomorrow, and the result is that you see life probabilistically instead of deterministically and weigh possibilities and advantages and disadvantages much more carefully and extensively instead of only seeking and accepting very concrete answers in life.
When done correctly, this is what facilitates a much more grounded mindset that allows one to see objective reality with a much greater degree of clarity and it really allows you to also understand the extent that knowledge is power. In the end, you make decisions you truly know are the best you can do and although it doesn't make you a completely wild animal you're still effectively doing what you like and "rolling the dice" of the hand that life dealt you.
"As a kid, I was afraid of heights, put that aside"
No crazy hidden message with this one, pretty straightforward.
Just like me, NF was scared of people and attention growing up because he dealt with a lot of abuse and trauma and didn't trust people in general so preferred to operate from the shadows for the most part if you will. However, despite no crazy hidden messages it's pretty straightforward as well how this is a very significant reason for the kind of seemingly crazy behavior that he demonstrates, much as it is in my case.
Having to not only deal with but completely overcome such an intense emotional burden puts you in a position where you know you can't just act and live normally and expect it to feel or work right. Everyone's life is different and this is a very significant difference that holds a lot more meaning to the person saying it from all the emotional experiences and personal thoughts on a wide range of topics than could ever easily be explained through the straightforward statement.
"Now I'm here and Nate looks so surprised, well so am I, woo! They don't invite me to the parties but I still arrive Kick down the door and then I go inside Give off that 'I do not belong here' vibe Then take the keys right off the counter and let's go for a ride Why do y'all look mortified?"
Because of the level of mental fortitude that an individual with pure bidirectional apprehension as a core value has, often people end up feeling various negative fear-based emotions such as jealousy and rage and the result is that the individual often feels uninvited or unappreciated in the presence of such people.
Since Nathan seems pretty okay with making it very apparent that he wasn't the only one involved in writing this track, it basically considerably adds to the epicness of it.
Alternatively, you can see it as Nathan referring to his fear being the entity talking to himself, exclaiming that he's surprised his fear still exists even for all he's achieved, and that even the fear itself is surprised that it's still there. It's this part where it starts seeming more plausible to consider the previous line about being in disguise as being a reference to Nathan's fear being what he sees as writing the words he's rapping in the song.
"I keep to myself, they think I'm sorta shy, organized"
Whether being an individual with the refined or unrefined variant of pure bidirectional apprehension as a core value, the very harsh and cutthroat nature of the world around you is very apparent to you. You're hypersensitive to many things and pay close attention to small details many others might overlook. You reserve judgement on any and everything without having looked at it from several different angles. You're more cautious with social interaction, particularly to people whom you don't know very well.
The result is that you may come off to many as somewhat shy, but you yourself know that it's not shyness but rather a careful and thorough nature that drives you to present yourself the way you do. With either, you're very aware you have to very carefully maneuver around interactions with people in order to find a careful balance between giving all that you can of yourself to your environment but also not being taken advantage of.
"Let You Down's the only song you've heard of? Well then you're behind"
NF was actually very much an underground artist until much more recently when his song "Let You Down", got radio play time and drastically increased his exposure and basically acted as his ticket to fame.
Basically, this line goes to show that yet another reason NF thinks and acts the way he does is because on top of having gone through the kind of shit he's had to go through and for many things is still going through, he also has to deal with the effects of the massive, sudden fame that he's now acquired and that brings its own set of responsibilities, emotional burden, and problems.
Most people only know him for one song and that one song is hardly at all a proper representation of who he really is, especially taking into account that each person who listens is going to interpret the song in their own way and therefore with their own degree of accuracy and depth.
"Story time, wish that I could think like Big Sean does, but I just can't decide If I should stick my knife inside of Pennywise"
This part shows the struggle NF has also with relationships and dating.
He's talking about the Big Sean song "I Don't Fuck With You" when saying he wishes he could think like Big Sean and basically just throw aside the girl he's currently having a ton of trouble with.
The music video makes multiple references to the movie "It" and here it's reflected in the lyrics as well. Pennywise is the name of the clown and basically the clown is evil and tried to steal people's identities and cause fear and doubt. The overall message here is that among the many struggles he's also dealing with, dating and relationships is not an area that's cutting him any slack either and yet again he's torn between trying to make things work and basically tossing the girl giving him so much trouble out of his life and effectively killing that fear and doubt that is slowly eating away at his identity.
This may seem on the surface like a stance purely filled with anger or hate but the reason why he's so conflicted is because this girl must mean so much to him and despite all the things she's put him through there must have still been a line she did not cross and as a result he still feels a lot of affection towards her and still wants to give her a chance to make it work if she can start behaving right.
This part can also be a reference to the Big Sean album "I Decided."
The next 3 bars are another scenario where there are 2 distinct interpretations that can be derived from the words.
"I, I don't care what anybody else thinks, lies!"
The first way to interpret this is that he really does care what people think but he just lies about it perhaps because either those around him are dishonest about it as well or because him being honest about it tends to cause people to try to take advantage of him for it.
The alternative interpretation is that he really doesn't care what people think because he sees that the things people around him tell him they think all just seem to be lies and he's tired of the bullshit that just makes him have thoughts and feelings that go nowhere positive and are better left not being had and not caring about.
"I do not need nobody to help me, lies!"
The first way to interpret this is that he does actually need people to help him but he feels weak being open and allowing his honesty to put him in a vulnerable position so he feels the need to lie about it so it doesn't send the wrong kind of message but that also leaves him emotionally conflicted and he doesn't really understand why things have to be that way.
The alternative interpretation is that he doesn't really need people's help but he sees people try to make it seem like he does or try to make him feel guilty about feeling like he doesn't so it all just comes off as lies to him and this is him kinda saying like he just doesn't wanna deal with it but it's so emotionally conflicting that the world is such a fucked up place that this kind of shit happens.
"I kinda feel guilty 'cause I'm wealthy, why?"
The first way to interpret this is that he really does just feel a vague guilt for being rich that he can't really explain and it's just something that bothers him enough that he finds it worth mentioning.
The alternative interpretation is that he sees people are trying to make him feel guilty for being rich and he knows very well it comes from a place of jealousy and them trying to bring him down and he asks it more so rhetorically to send the message that he knows what they're doing and it definitely has an impact on him but perhaps not the kind that those people may expect or want.
It's only one bar in the whole song so relatively it also shows that while it's something that's present it's not really that big of a deal compared to all the other things he has to deal with.
"I don't understand, it's got me questionin' like, why? Just tell me why? Not back to this flow Inside I feel divided Back when I ain't had a dime, but had the drive Back before I ever signed, I questioned life, like, 'Who am I, man?' Woo!"
This part just goes to show further how he thought initially that achieving the goals he first set out to achieve would bring immense satisfaction and although it's not everything he thought it would ever be, he also can come to terms with it in a large way because he also knows that he's doing the best he can to work with what he's got and he knows as conflicted as several aspects of his life may make him feel, he still has a solid foundation now that he can be proud of and continue to make the right moves to move forward in a positive way that can still make it all worth it in the end.
This is another part where he talks about his flow and a resemblance can be seen between it and the flow from "Bounce Back" in Big Sean's "I Decided" album.
"Nothin' to me's ever good enough I could be workin' for 24 hours a day and think I never did enough My life is a movie but there ain't no tellin' what you're gonna see in my cinema I wanna be great but I get it in the way of myself And I think about everything that I could never be Why do I do it though?"
This part shows the extent of his drive and passion to achieve and exceed the expectations that he sets for himself and shows that instead of just sitting there suffering while going through all his struggles, he is able to take it as a challenge he feels capable of handling and keep pushing on through to thrive.
The question posed at the end is purely rhetorical and when interpreted correctly serves to show that although it seems like he has so much reason to question his desires and goals that he faces that head-on and uses it as fuel to keep going instead of like a shackle that holds him back.
"Why you always lookin' aggravated?"
This can actually be seen from 3 different angles: Someone else posing the question to him, him posing the question to himself with genuine desire for introspection, and him posing the question rhetorically to further demonstrate the extent of his struggles.
In the case of someone else posing the question to him, it shows how this state of constant aggravation that results from all the struggles he constantly deals with has now snowballed externally to people judging him for simply existing and carrying himself the way he does and despite all his attempts to be a good person life basically bitch slapped him in the face for it and how other people see him carry himself constantly for it is yet another thing he has to deal with.
The interpretation of posing it internally for introspection serves to show how even still it's a constant struggle on how to present himself given everything he's been through.
The interpretation of rhetorical presentation shows the extent of the depth that such a seemingly simple statement serves to demonstrate to a more intellectually and emotionally mature individual.
"Not a choice, you know I had to make it"
If the last statement wasn't enough of a slap in the face, yet again this bar shows how struggle after struggle the smarter you try to be and the harder you strive for excellence and being a good person, the harder life tries to suppress and oppress you to the point that it becomes a point in itself as one of the reasons to carry yourself in such a way that most people can barely begin to scratch the surface of fully understanding.
"When they talk about the greatest, they gon' probably never put us in the conversation"
Well, NF mentioned earlier about not being the only one involved in writing this song.
This goes back to show that once again, that earlier statement wasn't just some random gimmick to leave people questioning what he even really meant, he's boldly proclaiming that although he's clearly the only one explicitly taking credit for the song, there are indeed other people involved.
Additionally, it can be seen as his fear talking and exclaiming how people will talk about Nathan but not address him and his fear together when they talk about him, likely being inclined to ignore thinking about or addressing the fear that drove what he appears to possibly even be stating wrote as much as the entire song.
This adds to the power of the message explaining why he is the way he is as is the intent of this song. It also goes to show the tension between him and those other people or even perhaps his own fear, because whoever he's addressing naturally would be unsettled that they don't get explicit credit for all of their efforts and he is simultaneously showing his fear in regards to the potential outcomes of such a situation as it's playing out.
"Like somethin' then I gotta take it Write somethin' then I might erase it I ain't love it then I really hate it What's the problem, Nathan? I don't know!"
Individuals with pure bidirectional apprehension as a core value are extremely driven to achieve and exceed expectations.
Notice how I said driven and not motivated.
Motivation is garbage. It comes and goes, if some kind of short-term emotional stimuli exists to push it then it's present, but after that fades, so does the motivation.
Drive works on pull.
Being pushed to do something means you're consciously forcing yourself and effectively working against your nature in order to achieve something you're going after. Being driven means you're pulled to it and you're actually working with your nature as opposed to against it and that allows you to work much harder, more effectively, and in a sustained manner, which facilitates much better results.
Working deeply and effectively in this state also means that you may end up trying many different approaches as potential solutions and possibly fail many times when tackling a problem but you will keep trying different things until something finally works the way you need it to. For the purposes of explaining why he is the way he is, this portion serves to represent the constant pressure that being in that state causes, even if you adapt to it.
"I know I like to preach to always be yourself But my emotions make me feel like I am someone else Me and pride had made a pact that we don't need no help Which feels like I'm at war inside myself but I forgot the shells I hold my issues up for all to see, like show and tell A lot of people know me, but not a lot know me well"
A person with pure bidirectional apprehension as a core value, whether refined or unrefined, is an individual extremely hard to read and understand, especially to someone who does not possess the core value themselves.
They go through a lot of struggle but the struggle is impressive to have overcome and to them they have an explanation that demonstrates power they gained through it which makes them hold it up to the world with pride as opposed to trying to hide it out of shame.
This can also be further used to be in reference of not only Nathan's fear but fear as an emotion in general; in much the same fashion that it can be considered Nathan is expressing that his fear wrote several lines in the song, this line may also be one of them. Nathan is expressing his intense and deep experiences with fear, to the level of opening himself up to such a significant extent throughout this song as he has in many others. He's expressing that not a lot of people know being afraid the way he does.
This is indeed true, as Nathan possesses a core value of pure bidirectional apprehension of at the least the unrefined variant, and as such individuals perceive and interact with fear in a way drastically different from the vast majority of people, he's indeed correct about his assertion that not a lot of people know fear as well as he does.
You may be wondering why trying to do a Google search for quantum energy harvesting meditation produces no useful results. There seems to be no real information on it on the internet. I've had multiple people confront me about that in the past already, asking me how it can even exist if they can't find it on Google. If you're one of those kinds of people, I'm just going to give it to you straight, you're mentally retarded. You should probably go see a doctor.
If I try doing a Google search for your social insurance number, why can't I find any useful results? Because it's hidden. It's a secret. This isn't something just anyone who hears about it should be able to learn about in detail and be able to work towards themselves without any qualifications. Quantum energy arts harvesting meditation, particularly at tier 3, which is the highest tier and the one I'm at, is only for Permanent Chiefs of the Shadow Confederation with a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension. If you're qualified to know, you'll be informed, and it sure as hell won't be through Google searching for it. If you're not qualified, keep dreaming.
That being said, I won't reveal the details of the techniques that encompass quantum energy harvesting meditation, particularly at the tier 3 level. That's right, the art actually has 3 distinct tiers at which one can practice it in, and although Permanent Chiefs of the Shadow Confederation with a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension are the only ones qualified to know about and actively practice at the tier 3 level, there are actually already others out there which do not fit that criteria who exist at the tier 1 and tier 2 levels, although nearly all of them follow other specific schools of thought for guidance regarding the details of the nature and discipline of their practice.
As far as the tiers go, you can summarize it by saying that tier 3 is the only level really worth anything to anyone if you don't want to be a monk meditating in the mountains for hundreds if not thousands of years. An individual at tier 1 is one who follows a primitive form of teachings outlining quantum energy harvesting meditation techniques, and one at tier 2 is one who has followed any given aforementioned primitive form of teachings for an extensive period of time, at least multiple decades, and has achieved at least simple supernatural powers through them, such as energy modulation to the extent of healing, or energy projection to the extent of simple matter displacement.
Quantum energy harvesting meditation is a practice that, regardless of tier, requires considerable patience and discipline. In order to harvest quantum energy through meditation, one must be in a sufficiently relaxed state, both physically and mentally, while also being able to accurately identify and channel their energy through their body via their energy centers using what is known as focused controlled aggression. When applying focused controlled aggression in the right way, quantum energy will enter the individual's body through energy centers. This energy must have the flow of it contained and directed in the right ways using certain techniques in order to be stored within energy cores, or it will be released back into the space external to the individual's body, making the endeavor of drawing it in effectively useless.
The functional effectiveness of harvesting quantum energy comes in the resulting ability to exert disruption of the quantum field using the stored energy in order to influence the material world. The extents within which an individual can disrupt the quantum field and cause effects within the material world depends upon the amount of quantum energy they have stored beforehand, as well as their ability to project it outwards in a fashion that facilitates disruption of the quantum field using focused controlled aggression.
This knowledge isn't kept hidden simply because I want the greatest degree of control possible over everyone else in the world. The most decisive reason is that it's extremely dangerous for any individual with a core value other than refined pure bidirectional apprehension to acquire this knowledge and start actively practicing tier 3 quantum energy harvesting meditation. The danger comes both to themselves as well as the entire world, and this comes from the considerably stronger nature of tier 3 in opposition to lower tiers which when combined with an individual with considerable subjective bias due to their active ego, will result in someone who has an insane amount of power at their disposal to do the worst things possible with given a sufficient amount of patience and dedication. While it's true that patience and dedication are still necessary, the extent to which they're significant is very clearly worth it, especially compared to the lower tiers. Additionally, the process of meditation itself has an exclusive focus on the flow of energy and not on adapting mental thought processes, so the individual will not be even slightly liberated from their ego as a direct result exclusively from practicing the meditation techniques.
Having a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension isn't a prerequisite that any teachings of tier 1 quantum energy harvesting meditation specify nor enforce, however the reason this hasn't had severely detrimental results thus far is simply because of the significantly crippling weaknesses of tier 1 quantum energy harvesting versus tier 3. The effect that practicing tier 1 quantum energy harvesting meditation has on an individual is a process that fundamentally encourages considerable patience and dedication with a very gradual reward curve. One can spend decades at tier 1 and still be nowhere close to flying via advanced levitation. The nature of the practice enforces discipline with the power gained as it's obtained.
Now, you may have read all that and be thinking that it's great and all that I can explain this whole thing in technical terms, but still be understandably in considerable disbelief that the understanding I have of the concept extends anywhere beyond an abstract description of it. Do I have a treat for you.
There are actually many schools in the Eastern world that teach an art known as Neikung, and to practitioners of this art, although perhaps the English words might not be recognized, the concept is far from foreign. One such school has had a significantly progressed practitioner within it, the one entrusted with the legacy from his master, come forward to produce a documentary and a book that reveals the kind of abilities obtainable with the process of training and even provides several details of the supposed process that he followed and the understandings that he's come to have in his training. These pieces are publicly available on the internet.
In the documentary, which one can view by searching "New John Chang video" on YouTube, the man, going under the name "John Chang" (which is claimed to be his real name but it's uncertain and some claim it isn't) is seen performing several feats that, without some form of illusory trickery, could only be achieved using supernatural abilities. He demonstrates his abilities in various capacities, explains his experience, and allows experts to test him in various ways to confirm that he's not playing any tricks to achieve the results he's displaying. He demonstrates things such as healing, current conduction, catching a bullet with his bare hand, and lighting a newspaper on fire, all facilitated by his quantum energy harvested throughout his many years of practicing Mo-Pai Neikung.
The man himself doesn't speak much English and only knows the concepts as they are explained and related to from the teachings in his school of training. He demonstrates the results of quantum energy harvesting meditation. His demonstration means he's certainly at least at tier 1; he may perhaps be tier 2, although from only the video and the book it's unclear. He seems considerably advanced and appears to only be using a considerably small percentage of his actual capabilities in the video or in any of the activities described in the book, so it's very possible he's tier 2. Regardless, he demonstrates his very real and objectively quantifiable abilities as a quantum energy arts user of at least the first tier.
As for what the words actually mean, Mo-Pai Neikung stands for "The school of Mo-Tzu for internal power". Neikung itself means "internal power" and there are actually multiple schools, such as the Mao-shan Pai or the Wutang-Pai, that teach this art in different ways. Mr. Chang himself was taught by a man named Liao Tsu Tong who was handed the heir to the lineage from his master, Pai Lok Nen.
Pai Lok Nen died because he'd given mercy to a warlord named Lim that he'd bested in a fight. At the time, the warlord was many levels below him, and Pai removed his eyes but spared his life. The blinded man trained very hard for the next 10 years, thinking only of revenge. It took him two years simply to find Pai's home afterwards, but he managed to do it. At the time he initially arrived, Pai was in meditation in the mountains and Liao was present. Liao fooled Lim into killing a slave Pai had named Assam by convincing him it was Pai, and Lim left before Pai actually came back from his meditation.
Upon seeing the damage Lim had done to the body, Pai knew he was above level fifty. He felt responsible for creating a monster and he set out to fight him himself, giving Liao the heir to his lineage. After a week of looking for Lim, Pai found him and they fought in a forest for more than three days straight, both being at level fifty one and tearing up a chunk of the forest with their abilities. In the end, they killed each other.
Anyways, it's quite a story, but I won't go into it here. If you're interested, you can read the book one of Mr. Chang's very few Western students wrote, titled "The Magus of Java: Teachings of an Authentic Taoist Immortal". Upon reading, you'll realize the title is actually somewhat misleading; although Mr. Chang comes from a Taoist lineage, he himself doesn't consider himself Taoist. The book itself doesn't make much mention of religion however and only mentions it more so from an intellectual and historical perspective, and instead chooses to focus on knowledge and experiences with the man himself, so it's an interesting read nonetheless. Perhaps the easiest way to explain the art is by using a very small excerpt from the book itself.
According to Chinese thought, there are basically two types of training involving our vital energies: ch’ikung and neikung. It is difficult to say where one ends and the other begins, but essentially ch’ikung centers on the development and control of yang ch’i (also called lii ch’i or “fire” ch’i), while neikung involves the joint employment of yang ch’i and yin ch’i (called “water” ch’i or kann ch’i). In truth, yin and yang energies run parallel to each other in our bodies, and both are vital to our continued health. Like yin and yang, it is impossible to separate ch’ikung from neikung; indeed, the latter is a higher form of the same art. Perhaps the distinction was created simply to help define the abilities of the adept. Yang ch’i cannot pass beyond the confines of the physical body, while yin ch’i can and so may impart to the practitioner preternatural abilities such as those demonstrated by Master Chang.
Now, this might seem fascinating and shocking to you, and you may wonder why this isn't much more widely known. Well, it's not quite as glamorous as it seems. There are a few quite serious issues with the practice of Mo-Pai Neikung.
The only significant amount of information available on this school of practice is information available on level 1 and most of level 2.
This was made public by a westerner named Jim McMillan which was fortunate enough to have John Chang agree to let him train under him.
It's not exactly easy to obtain the entire original piece released by this man. Even if you manage to get your hands on it, it's hardly very useful.
Level 2 is stated to have multiple parts and only the first part is provided.
As of the writing of this book, there has yet to be a single person to successfully demonstrate execution of anything significant from the information available there alone.
Basically, even if you have the discipline and willpower to carry through with all the meditation and techniques necessary, there isn't even sufficient material available for you to know what to do and be able to actually go through the process of getting anywhere significant in the practice.
First of all, the factor that already single-handedly decimates most people's ability to ever practice it is the fact that you cannot harvest quantum energy using the technique it outlines without encountering extremely high risk of rupturing your inner energy core that it utilizes exclusively for the harvesting process at any point within 72 hours after an orgasm from any source.
Yes, you heard right. No orgasms from masturbation nor sex, and if you're a male, even having a wet dream qualifies under this rule. As for women, there's no given indication how exactly this applies, but presumably even orgasms without squirting still aren't allowed. Essentially, you must endure being constantly massively sexually deprived in order to practice Mo-Pai Neikung and progress towards any of the supernatural abilities that it facilitates using its path. This is a hard limitation that all effective variations of tier 1 and even tier 2 quantum energy harvesting meditation carry with them. It makes the entire process, and the overall quality of one's life, considerably more unpleasant.
For me personally, this single-handedly ruined the viability of practicing this technique at any lower tier. I have an extremely high sex drive, and that's something I enjoy a lot and wish to retain and thoroughly enjoy for the rest of my entire existence. Even for those without an extremely high sex drive, I'm quite confident that trading any serious ability to enjoy sexual activity of any kind permanently for supernatural powers seems extremely unpleasant and makes it sound a lot less appealing than it otherwise would be.
All practitioners of this school know that there are significant risks associated with the practice, even when done correctly and under the supervision of a teacher in a school environment. This is because for all the things that Neikung arts get right, they also still get plenty wrong. In the area of internal energy, one that ties so directly into an individual's life force and will to live, doing anything wrong can very easily result in immediate or considerably hastened death.
The very first level contains pretty much no direct health risks, and actually should improve overall health with active practice, much like other meditation practices. Even still, the process described by Jim that's now in the public domain is incomplete and even still can cause problems over a very long period of time, particularly without guidance from someone very experienced. Even more concerning, it carries the risk of harvesting quantum energy excessively without channeling, and as a result, having that energy "harden" in the energy core within which it's gathered, resulting in one's inability to ever advance to further stages. As such, once practicing has begun, careful monitoring by a teacher becomes necessary, and one must advance to the second level as soon as they possibly can, in order to avoid the hardening of the quantum energy due to the purely linear approach of harvesting being employed within the system.
The process described as "Level 2a" in the document written by Jim is certainly incorrect. It's been correctly stated by some that the procedure that's been made publicly available is largely incorrect and will certainly cause harm to anyone who does it. Assuming this is misinformation being fed by genuine practitioners to mislead others from attaining level 2, there still remains the issue that's been said that level 2 is dangerous, even when done properly and under the supervision of a teacher in a school setting.
I personally can guarantee that this description of Level 2 is wrong, and if it actually is the Level 2 method that's used in the school, it's no wonder that it's openly accepted that anything past Level 1 has serious risks. Holding your breath while tensing multiple muscles unnaturally is terrible practice. You're building up considerable amounts of physical and mental pressure that will bleed into your daily life, shortening your life span. This isn't natural tension such as that in your legs while standing. You're going against the fundamental principal of meditation to relax yourself and facilitate the separation of physical and mental energy utilization.
When combined with the fact that it's considerably difficult, if not impossible, for someone starting off to advance to level 2 at the right time of having stored not too little energy but also not having gone considerably overboard and allowed the energy to harden or simply pushing themselves too far and/or wasting a lot of time when they've already stored a sufficient amount in initial phases using the single very simple indication given by Jim which many may never experience and on its own also isn't sufficient to determine that the right amount of energy has been stored, this means attempting to practice Mo-Pai Neikung, particularly with the intent of obtaining any of the abilities demonstrated by practitioners of more advanced levels such as the man referred to as "John Chang", given only the publicly accessible information is certainly at the least a completely futile endeavor, and if "Level 2a" as supplied by Jim McMillan is followed, certainly one that will damage one's health and result in an early death.
The active schools that teach this practice are not only hard to find and extremely limited in terms of location coverage across the world, but they also only allow Asian students. That's right, if you're any other race, you're deemed not worthy or capable, simply because of your race. There hasn't been too much discussion on this limitation, but it's very possible that depending on the exact teacher, even specific races within the general Asian race will be rejected as students, most likely simply due to the preference/bias of the teacher. Not exactly something one can call objectively justified criteria. This restriction alone absolutely decimates any chance a very large part of the population could ever have to learn this art, due to something entirely out of their control to ever even attempt to change.
There isn't a whole lot of public information on exactly what goes on behind closed doors when disciples of this school are being trained. It's been said by some, however, that the process can be quite physically taxing and painful sometimes, and the teachers may force disciples to do "strange things" as part of their practice. Sounds really shady and potentially an additional layer of danger on top of the already present danger from simply practicing the art at any of the advanced levels. Additionally, there's the fact that due to it being a tier 1 quantum energy harvesting methodology, the process of training will be quite long, and even after being trained decently enough by a teacher to have some extent of abilities, there's still hundreds of years to go before you can do all the cool stuff like fly and have full-coverage barriers around you that protect you from bullets, bombs, and other dangerous and potentially even deadly things that someone could attack you with.
Due to the slow speed of training at tier 1 or even tier 2 of quantum energy harvesting, it's pretty much certain that any practitioner, even the most advanced masters, will have their physical body die before they are able to achieve true immortality. The most these individuals can hope for is a partial immortality, that of being a spirit that retains many human characteristics, however even that cannot last. All things considered, while the power obtainable through the active practice of Mo-Pai Neikung is appealing, it should be quite obvious why more people won't (and can't even) start practicing it. Additionally, due to the various factors involved in the process of acquiring the abilities that it's known for, it becomes seriously questionable whether the results are even worth the effort. The layers upon layers of traditions and modifications by each generation it's passed onto mean it constantly warps. The lack of deep intellectual insights that results from the thirst for power driving training rather than a wholesome approach to life with a perspective completely free from active ego means that it will forever be hindered by those who teach it and those who practice it will never achieve the true full potential they would be capable of under the right training.
Now that you know all the serious pitfalls of tier 1 quantum energy harvesting, you must be wondering how exactly tier 3 quantum energy harvesting solves them. Well, as I said earlier, I'm not going to be disclosing all the details of the techniques I know of here, however I'll provide some basic insights in contrast to Mo-Pai Neikung.
First a little more insight into how the concepts described in ancient Chinese works relates to the field of quantum mechanics. Indeed, even those that have made nuclear bombs with this knowledge have not thus far been able to understand concepts that make it much more useful and powerful for purposes that need not be exclusively destructive.
Most are familiar with Yin and Yang. These are considered to be two opposing energies. They are actually concepts clearly definable within the field of quantum mechanics.
Yang is what I formally declare Base Potential, or BP for short. Base potential is the energy contained within subatomic particles at the subatomic level within the quantum field.
Yin is what I formally declare Action Potential, or AP for short. Action potential is the energy contained between subatomic particles at the subatomic level within the quantum field.
BP and AP combine to form the entirety of the quantum field. There is no "blank space" within the quantum field; it's all energy. Additionally, it's an area fundamentally driven by probabilities; this is demonstrated in its fundamental building blocks being represented as potential. Indeed, these are forces that are both opposing, but also work together, and must both be present for an object to have life. This understanding is not in contradiction with how these concepts are described by Mr. Chang. With only BP, an object retains form but is lifeless. With only AP, there is ability for energy to be manipulated but no vessel for the manipulation to be performed upon. With both BP and AP, an expression of energy with life can be observed. Different mixtures of BP and AP being projected by a practitioner of the quantum energy arts will result in different effects, that is different expressions of energy with a life of their own, being observable.
This is huge, especially when looking in comparison to Mo-Pai Neikung. There's no 72 hour rule here. You can orgasm 10 times in a day and get right to practicing the meditation technique right after. There are no health risks involved in the practice. Quantum energy harvesting meditation techniques all can only improve your overall health, and none of them can ever inherently cause stroke, heart attack, or organ/nerve damage.
While teachers of Mo-Pai Neikung use something like race alone to drastically discriminate against potential disciples, nothing like that exists here. The only restriction is one must have a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension and be a Permanent Chief of the Shadow Confederation. Given the extreme power of quantum energy harvesting, this restriction is not only very clearly objectively quantifiable, but also very clearly objectively validated. It'd be extremely irresponsible to make this information public, or simply charge some kind of fee for it. It's so powerful that no amount of money should be able to purchase it, and instead, only someone of a worthy character suitable to practice it safely and with the best possible intentions is deemed worthy to do so. I think anyone reasonably rational would agree this is a much better qualifying criteria than immediately excluding anyone not of a certain race, which I find quite frankly absolutely ridiculous for any teacher of an art so valuable that they should be much more level-headed than that to have.
I'm going to outline all the levels of the quantum energy arts at tier 3 here. Mo-Pai Neikung is said to have 72 levels that each coincide with opening of a different chakra point, which means as far as the levels go there is an enormous emphasis on the many minor chakra points as there are only 7 major ones. Tier 3 quantum energy harvesting on the other hand actually opens a major chakra point at every level and instead uses power level to objectively quantify the strength of an individual.
Quantum energy harvesting is essentially the topic of meditation within the context of applying controlled focus both in and out of a sub-conscious state, using the right technique to facilitate the increased utilization of quantum energy from the quantum field, up to and including complete immortality of the physical body.
Although I share quite a bit of information here, nothing I'm sharing involves the intricate details that would allow someone to actually practice the training with any degree of effective efficiency. Knowing the general gist of each level and the chakra progression leaves one with a very tedious trial and error process, and seeing as any more significant mistake in technique will result in shortened lifespan or immediate death, it's far more likely one would die before they finish trying to guess how to reach any significant level. I'm choosing to release this amount of information to demonstrate clearly that I have no issue with proving I know what I'm talking about, while at the same time that I have absolutely no desire to attempt to compete with others in becoming as powerful as possible as fast as possible for any reason. I'm not doing this because I want to be stopped, because I'm simply trying to share my knowledge for the fuck of it, or because I want competition or any kind of adrenaline rush.
Revealing this information demonstrates that I'm not foolish as to believe that I can destroy the world using any method relying on other people or other external factors that give rise to circumstances where there can be points of failure that effectively negate the threat beyond my control. I'm using reliable knowledge that any individual could do so with if they had the information and the discipline to execute on developing their hidden inner abilities and then exerting the influence that those abilities bestow upon them upon the world. This isn't some kind of speculation nor flaunting of a plan that others would be able to stop, but rather a certain procedure that fully depends upon my own discipline and willpower to execute, and to that extent, the only point of failure possible is a lack of discipline on my part; I have no concerns about that whatsoever.
I won't ever be releasing the full details of the art for the general public anywhere under any circumstances. This knowledge is extremely dangerous to yourself and others if it's handed to you in detail and you're not ready to receive it and very carefully guided. I want it to be completely clear that it's not my desire to simply bring chaos and destruction to the world regardless of anything. If I start getting the loving official relationship with Kimi that I want, I'll make sure this world starts growing in a healthier direction. If not, I'll make sure I destroy it by my own hand by the power bestowed on me by objective reality. This was never up for debate and never will be.
The following briefly explains the stages during advancement of the training process that involves yogic respiratory-psychophysiological practices that utilize the understandings of philopsychology to enhance and optimize them.
The Magus of Java shares Mr. Chang's view on existence as it relates to the fundamental energies:
“Yin and yang,” he said softly, “exist in the world. They are universal forces found in all of nature, from one end of the universe to the other. They are not poetry—they are actual, physical forces, there for all of us to experience and observe.” “Where does the yang ch’i come from?” I asked. “It is in the air. Nature creates it, life uses it. All things that are alive have both yin and yang ch’i.” He pounded his desk. “This is yang. Of itself it is lifeless. For life to exist, a body must have both yin and yang.” “All things carry the yin on their backs and enfold yang within; when the two combine, life’s energy is created harmoniously. This stanza from the Tao Te Ching leapt into my mind once again; it was intriguing how Chang Sifu’s teachings both complemented and contradicted the available literature on Taoism. “When you say all living things, do you mean plants, animals. . . ?” “Everything! Everything that is alive has yin and yang ch’i.” “Where does yin ch’i come from?” Andreas asked. “From the earth. The yin comes from the earth. It is some kind of field phenomenon that feeds our lifeforce. It can be blocked by insulators. For example, if you have a carpet made from synthetic materials in your house, the yin ch’i cannot pass through it. That’s not so good for your health. “The yin ch’i enters the body through an acupuncture point that we call hui yin, he added. “It’s located between the urinary tract and the anus.”
Mr. Chang has explained the requirements for level 1 of Mo-Pai Neikung:
We moved over to a table and John began to jot down notes for me. “Look,” he said, “I have already told you that Level One is simply to fill up your dantien with yang ch’i, right? That requires eighty-one hours of absolute meditation. Now, a beginning student cannot hold his concentration for long. Perhaps in one hour of sitting, he is actually in meditation for 1.3 minutes. That means he is meditating only 2.2 percent of the time, which means that if he sits for one hour a day, he needs ten years of training to get his eighty-one hours of meditation.” “What is actual meditation like?” I asked. “There are no thoughts and there is no sense of time. If you are thinking, you are not in meditation. If you are aware of yourself, you are also not in meditation. You must become like a baby in the womb, there and yet not there. Meditation is like the borderline between sleep and waking, between consciousness and unconsciousness.” “Very difficult.” “Not so difficult, Kosta. You stayed in meditation for long periods when you were an embryo and a baby, and you pass through it now each time you drift off to sleep. You just have to remember how.”
The description of meditation in general is relevant, but while you jump right into storing BP in level 1 of Mo-Pai Neikung, the actual technique used to start storing BP is employed starting at level 2 of tier 3 quantum energy harvesting meditation. This easing process with different procedures and requirements that don't exist in Mo-Pai Neikung is a part of the reason why there is no 72 hour rule in tier 3 quantum energy harvesting meditation.
The Magus of Java describes energy storage in level 1 and 2 of Mo-Pai Neikung:
“When we train for Level One, do we gather only yang ch’i?” Andreas asked. “No. You gather both yin and yang, because the two always go together, struggling, one always trying to complement the other. But inside your dantien, you put only yang ch’i. The yin ch’i goes else- where in the body. It is useless to you before you finish Level Four.” “And for Level Two,” I asked, “we compress the yang ch’i in our dantien, correct?” “Yes.” John said. He pulled out a sheet of paper, picked up a pencil, and drew a circle on it. “Say this is the dantien, right? First it is empty; then we fill it with yang ch’i.” “Then, for Level Two, we compress the yang ch’i and actually introduce twice as much into the same area. We make it hard, so to speak. This is what you are working on now, Kosta. As you know, you must be sexually abstinent to complete this training.” I was not very happy about the sexual abstinence part, but the results were undeniable and there was no way around it. Chang Sifu’s explanation had been very different from that put forth by the other theories I had read. According to mainstream Chinese literature, the idea was that the energy in the sperm of the male (the Chinese word ching means both “sperm” and “essence”) was transformed into ch’i. Chang Sifu had simply said that sexual abstinence kept “the gates of the dantien” open so that the ch’i could be compressed.
Mr. Chang gives a warning about level 2 of Mo-Pai Neikung, as it's already very dangerous on someone with low self-control:
“I told him that he had to be very careful from now on,” John said. “When you finish with Level Two, your ch’i is always ready to move. Much of it is governed by your emotions. If he were to hit a man in anger now, the ch’i would run into that man’s body and destroy his heart. The man would die.” “What if he hits him on the arm, say?” I asked. “It doesn’t matter where he hits him. The ch’i will always run up to the other’s heart, and it will kill him. And you know, no Western hospital in the world can help a man hit in that manner. He will die unless treated by someone like me within twenty-four hours.” “You’re right. He should be very careful from now on.” “Yes. You know, when we teach new students kung fu, we always move slowly, and always without power. Safety is our primary concern. People see that on occasion and think we are weak; bad mistake.”
This is what The Magus of Java has to say about Mo-Pai Neikung's level 3:
“In Level Three we make the dantien mobile. We can make it move, in other words.” “We move it in these four directions at first, like an X; after that we can make the dantien move anywhere,” he continued. I thought about that. I had a friend in Greece who was a Korean Master of Tang Soo Do and a practitioner of neikung. He had on several occasions publicly demonstrated his prowess by breaking two-by-four wooden beams, inviting anyone in the audience to attempt the feat before he did (no one had dared). This man had a “ball” in his belly at the dantien point, a solid mass that he moved around at will. Manipulating the ball as John had indicated, this man could pass ch’i energy into his arms and legs. One physician, upon examining him, had thought my friend had cancer when he felt the huge lump; the doctor had gone through the roof when my friend had caused the ball to dance around. I said as much to John. “It is the same for us,” he replied after a long silence. “This man is at least Level Three.” “You mean the ball that moves around in his belly corresponds to our Level Three?” I asked. “Yes. It is a solid lump of hardened yang ch’i he can tap into, and use, at will.”
This is what The Magus of Java has to say about Mo-Pai Neikung's level 4:
“Sifu,” Andreas said, “will you tell us about Level Four now?” “If you wish. When we are finished with Level Three, we send our yang down to the hui yin. There it gathers as much yin as we have sent down yang. After a time, maybe even months or years, yin and yang rise together... “The white circle is the yang, the black the yin. They float around inside the body, and the pain is incredible, constant, unbelievable. Only if you have the discipline to ignore it can you control them and put their power inside your dantien. At that point, they become squeezed together and take this shape, like the t’ai chi symbol.” “If you are successful,” John continued, “by forcing the two together, you also force them to react. Remember, they are not like electrical poles; they do not attract each other, but repel. This is how the spark, the lightning bolt between the two is generated, and you begin to become as I am.” “And if we are not successful?” I asked. “Then you will probably die,” John said softly. “There is no point in doing this type of training unless you are ready to die for it.”
This is how Mr. Chang explained his personal experience with Mo-Pai Neikung's level 4:
“Like riding a bucking bronco!” he replied. “The first time that I was successful, I fainted and could not hold on. There was so much power there! I have already told you that in Level Four our yin and yang ch’i come together. The power that is generated then is incredible, like having a lightning bolt
in your belly. The second time I tried, I was unsuccessful also. But the third time . . . the third time I held on to it for ten minutes, then forced it into the very center of my dantien. At that point the power was mine, forever.”
Masters of this level can also sense this in others without seeing any outward expression indicating it. Some of these kinds of things include:
This is what The Magus of Java has to say about progression through the levels:
“Sifu, what is the difference in ability between, for example, someone at Level Five and Level Six?” Andreas asked. “The power doubles,” John said simply. “For each level after Level Three, the power doubles.” “Wait a minute,” I said. Handoko, Andreas, and I looked at each other, shocked. “Sifu, do you mean to say. . . .” “Yes. Each level has twice the power of the previous.” “So Level Six has twice that of Level Five, Level Seven twice that of Level Six, and so on,” Handoko said slowly. “Yes,” John replied simply. Handoko and I looked at each other again. My mouth fell open. It must have been very surreal, like a silent movie. “Jesus,” I said. The implication was that the levels of power progressed exponentially, following the algebraic law 2(x-3). Someone at Level Four was two times stronger than a human being. Someone at Level Six was 2 x 2 x 2 = 8 times more powerful. And someone at Level Thirty was 227 times (or roughly 134 million times) more powerful than the average human being, at least from the standpoint of lifeforce. Oh, I was sure that there was an algorithm involved and that the numbers did not exactly follow a linear progression as John’s tradition seemed to suggest, but even if he were off by 50 percent, so what? Someone at Level Thirty would still be . . . a god for all practical purposes.
There are also 3 levels of powering up that one can do, although only the first 2 are generally useful.
What would this book be without taking a sufficient view at death. Death is something most people get used to thinking about more and more as they go through life. Every day, they're getting closer. They need to convince themselves it's okay. Some pretend it'll never happen. Others live wild because they don't want to have any regrets when it comes. Either perspective sucks terribly though, because it's two sides of the same coin. It ignores the real issue at hand: what is it, why should it be accepted, and what are it's actual limits.
It's very natural to question death. It's meaning. It's purpose. What happens to you after. We're conditioned within our nature to fear death. Fear is an extremely powerful driving force, and since death is one of the greatest things one can fear, death clearly has large significance at any point throughout one's life.
Now that you understand that it's objectively impossible to make any assertions about what happens when you die with absolute certainty, that's probably left you in a considerably unsatisfied position, as you were probably expecting some kind of much more profound insights into the topic from someone who claims to be the ruler of the planet. Well, you're in for a treat, because you can bet I do.
As I said, no concrete assertions can be made about any state of awareness after death of the physical body. With that in mind, I need you to understand that what I'm saying for the remainder of this chapter can be considered nothing more than mere speculation, at least for the purposes of maintaining my position of objectively having mental clarity and the capacity for a completely objective view on reality. Basically, if reading what I'm about to say about death triggers your active ego too much for you to even remotely accept it as true, and you feel like instantly considering me a mentally unstable lunatic and use that to validate disregarding the entire rest of this book, keep in mind that I have no issue with making the assertion that what I'm saying is merely speculation that I have no way to objectively prove to you, so take it easy before you call me schizophrenic or some shit.
Aside from the physical world which we all perceive, there is what we shall call the spirit world. This world coexists with the world we live in and perceive through our senses, however it has a special kind of relationship with it which is considerably unlike the relationship all the objects composed of matter have with each other within the physical world. The spirit world can spectate the physical world, but the physical world remains entirely unable to objectively quantify or validate the spirit world. Additionally, the spirit world is entirely unable to interact with the physical world, except through the quantum energy field.
Essentially, the imagery I'm attempting to convey with this theory is that once an individual dies, their spirit leaves their body and enters the spirit world, where in the case of most people, they no longer possess any ability to interact with the material world whatsoever, however they're able to fly around the spirit world observing the physical world at their leisure, with their observation of it having no influence on it.
In the case of those spirits that have stored quantum energy, or perhaps given quantum energy, they have ability to manifest themselves in the physical world in different ways and continue to exert influence on it in that way, although of all the spirits that exist, that number is extremely small. This both explains the phenomenons of things like haunted mansions with supposed ghosts in them, and also why such occurrences aren't commonplace.
This also explains why an individual that has meditated using quantum energy harvesting meditation at tier 3 awareness can achieve immortality. The extent of quantum energy their spirit has accumulated allows for such a great influence on the physical world that they're able to carefully modulate and repair their physical body, to the extent that they can heal themselves of all illness and repair damage to organs caused by aging, resulting in a body that never has to die.
With a more detailed understanding of death, there's one critical factor to be aware of: the degree of caring towards it. A more accurate understanding of death carries with it modulation of the extent one cares about life. In a fully objective view, one should not be any more at peace with death simply as a result of understanding it better, no matter the extent to which it's understood. An understanding of death should not be sought after in order to validate one's view to become careless in life or commit suicide.
I'll use a few excerpts from The Magus of Java to share insights provided by Mr. Chang.
“Spirits are bound by space and time the same way as anything that exists, but on a different level because they are part of the yin world. We ourselves are yang; they are yin.” “But we have yin energy in our bodies too, right?” I asked. “Correct,” he replied. “However, a pure spirit exists in a different spacetime continuum than we do. One year for us is one day for them, and they are not limited by the present moment but exist in the immediate future and past as well. Do you understand?” “You know how in meditation we slow down our breathing and our pulse? It’s because we move more and more into our yin consciousness.” “I see. But are you saying that we have two separate bodies, a yin body and a yang body, and that our consciousness can move from one to the other?” “No. It is not so simple and easy as that. What I said is that everything on the earth is yang, though the earth itself is yin. We, as human beings, are yang creatures, but we have yin energy as well. It is the combination of the two that gives us life. When we die, when we cease to have life, our awareness moves to the yin state of being.” He paused. “But it does not remain unaltered in the process,” he continued. “I didn’t say that I haven’t had experience with life after death,” he interrupted. “What I said is that I don’t know what the final state of the afterlife is like.” John lit up a cigarette. “I will tell you what I do know,” he said. “There appears to be an intermediate state between this life and the next. I call it the white wave and the black wave. The spirits of those who have been good in their lives go into the white wave, those that have been evil into the black wave. It is very much like the concepts of heaven and hell except for one thing—neither condition is permanent. At some point all spirits shoot straight up to God. What happens to them at that point, I don’t know. It depends on whom you ask, I suppose.” “You mean to say that there is a heaven and a hell?” I asked, astonished. “That’s not what I said, is it? I said that there seems to be an area characterized by a field of white yin energy into which the spirits with a positive karma enter. There they are given all that they desire, and they do desire. I have entered into the white field; people were gathered around celebrating, eating and drinking, only there was no food really present. It is all an illusion for their benefit; they just think that they are eating and drinking. Maybe they have to enjoy what they were denied in life in order to go on, I don’t know. Perhaps they think that they are still human.” “But they are not?” “No. The mental and emotional perspectives of the average spirit are very different from those of a human being.” “But not your Master’s. He looked and sounded the same dead as he did alive.” “Yes. A spirit with even a little yang energy is very different. A spirit like my Master retains all its human characteristics.” I thought about the metaphysical “waves” of reward and penance John had spoken of. Concepts such as heaven and hell, the Elysian Fields and Hades, were as old as the human race. Were they real? “And what about the black wave?” I asked. “If you ever reach Level Four, remember that I said never to go into the black if you can help it. It is not a pleasant place. The spirits there desire, they hurt, they cry, and are denied everything; it is pitch dark, you cannot see a thing. The only good point about the black wave is that it does not last forever; after a time those spirits are freed, when their karma has been fulfilled.” “Sifu, what is karma?” “The consequence of their actions, thoughts, emotions, and desires—of their lives, if you want.”
“In that mountain I saw many spirits; indeed, spirits and animals were my constant companions. And when my consciousness had expanded, I could see spirits going up regularly. One day I became curious and decided to follow them, to see where they were going. I sent my awareness out of my body and accompanied them as they went. “The earth receded below me, and somehow there was a shift; I cannot explain what I felt. I was suddenly in a wave of blackness; around me there was much pain and anger and hate and jealousy. I left that place quickly to find myself in a field of white; there I saw many spirits around me who were very joyful. Some of them were making motions as if they were eating and drinking and invited me to join in. Okay, I thought, I’d like a piece of chicken. Without warning, a tasty drumstick appeared before me; when I grabbed it, though, I saw that it was not real, that it was an illusion for the benefit of the spirits in that place who thought they were still human. Still, I saw other souls going higher and higher. I followed them through two more levels of white energy, and beyond that point I could pass no farther.” John paused, and I checked an urge to interrupt him. There were so many questions that I wanted to ask. He was, after all, describing heaven. “After a while,” John continued, “I became worried about my physical body, because I knew that time passed very differently in that place, and I had no idea how long I was gone. I decided to return to the earth. In doing so, I passed once again through the black wave. I was curious; you cannot see anything at all in that place, but you can hear the spirits moaning. So I approached one of them and asked him, ‘Hey, how are you doing?’ (Yes, Kosta, as simple as that!) He said, ‘Oh, I hurt, I’m in pain.’ Suddenly I became very afraid, and with that strong emotion I woke up back in my body.” “Is there any way of telling if someone will become a white or black spirit?” I asked. John shot me a piercing look. “You are thinking of your father,” he said. “Well, yes, if their passage is not due to violence or accident, then usually you can tell by the look on their faces what will become of them. They get a glimpse of what lies in store for them before they completely leave our world.” My father had died with relief after fighting the cancer for half a year. Indeed, he had died consciously, waiting for all of us to gather around him before letting go of his final breath. I said as much to John. “Your father is probably a white spirit now,” he said. “But you know, because he had no yang to take with him, his nature is much simpler than you think.” “What do you mean, Sifu?” I asked. “I mean that a typical spirit is basically like our unconscious mind. He cannot think deliberately, make decisions, or create. He is subject to whatever he has brought with him.” John was silent for a time, then caught my eye and held me with his gaze. “For example,” he said, “your father can remember everything about you. He knows that you are his son. He remembers holding you in his arms when you were born. What he cannot remember is what it was like to love you.” We were shocked, all of us. “They have only yin,” he continued softly, “so what defines their continuation is simply their karma, good or bad. That is why it is so important to have yang to take with you when your time comes.” “Because that way you retain your humanity,” I whispered. John nodded approvingly. “Does having yang ch’i in our dantien somehow lessen the effects of karma?” I asked him. “No. You still have to pay for what you have done—or be rewarded. But having yang with you makes it easier all around, and more deliberate either way.” “Heaven and hell,” Andreas said. “Not really,” John answered. “None of the conditions I described is permanent. After a time all spirits return to God.” And there it was: the big question that I had danced around since I had come to know him. I could not resist. “Sifu,” I dared, “tell us about God. You mention Him frequently.” And mentioning God was not very Taoist, I thought; perhaps this was the distinction between John’s teaching and mainstream Taoism. John leaned back and looked at us one by one. “All right,” he said. “Before I went up to the mountain, in my heart of hearts, I did not really believe in God. Oh, I used to go to church every Sunday, for I am nominally a Christian, but I had no faith; I went to church matter-of-factly. When I was up in the mountain, I wanted to experience God for myself, to see if He was real or not. “I prayed and I prayed for weeks, asking God to reveal Himself to me. Finally I sat down in deep meditation and sent my awareness out as before. Every day, every moment, I kept asking, ‘God, please tell me the truth about the afterlife; which religion is correct? Please, Lord, tell me.’ I received no answer, but I kept at it with persistence. “Without warning, one day a voice boomed in the air above me. It was like a thunderclap, and it said to me: “‘Religion is like a walking stick. When you are young, you need help from your parents to walk. When you are old, you need a cane. When you are a healthy adult, you have no need for a cane; if you try to run, it will only hinder you. All religions are like that; touch God directly, and you will have no need of them.’"
She has voice yet cannot be heard.
She has appearance yet cannot be seen.
She has thought yet cannot be comprehended.
She is the essence of fear.
Towards the end of 2019, I released a book. I was extremely stressed out and feeling hopeless, and I took all my mental breakdowns, compiled the most wild, aggressive, and brutal piece of literature I could fathom, and shared it with the world. I know I'm capable of single-handedly destroying this world, and I thought I'd have to do it and there was no way to avoid it, no matter how badly I wanted to.
Shortly after the release and massive public exposure of that book, a global pandemic started, just as I'd been told would happen. I first witnessed it unfolding from jail (and for some period, a mental hospital), and although I'd approved it and knew I was dealing with some very powerful and dangerous people who I certainly believed could pull it off, it still seemed surreal to me.
The COVID-19 pandemic that started in 2020 serves as a warning shot to the world. It's certainly more than that for some, but I'll focus on my purpose for approving it, as I don't really care for the other stuff being achieved with it.
At the core of what drove me to write the initial version of the book was my seemingly hopeless connection with a woman named Kimi Park, a live streamer on Twitch who I've been pursuing an extremely serious romantic relationship with for about three years as of the start of 2020. That book got me in trouble, but it also showed me that I might not be as hopeless as I thought. As I was about to completely give up hope on humanity forever and enter isolation, Kimi started losing her mind and having frequent mental breakdowns to the point that she decided to start therapy. That's why this book exists.
I was, still am, and always will be extremely attached to Kimi. I must get to marry her and spend my life with her. If Kimi doesn't start treating me properly and being in a proper and healthy relationship with me before I completely give up hope on humanity forever and decide to commit to being the worst monster I could ever be, COVID-19 is only the beginning of much worse things to come.
Kimi doesn't have much time left to start treating me properly, and most people would probably tell me I'm extremely stupid and delusional for thinking there's any remote chance she ever would, so past this point, you're mostly going to just be reading pretty much the story of why the world is going to become a literal hell and I'm going to end up an extremely brutal heartless dictator after years of using quantum energy harvesting meditation techniques for long hours in isolation out of perpetual sadness and anger that deeply permeates the core of my being for the rest of my existence.
There are two kinds of crazy people in this world.
Let there be truth.
To most people who are trying to understand someone, getting a clear view of their past experiences that shaped them and made them who they are today is a very valuable thing.
For someone writing a book asserting their dominance on the entire planet and everyone in it, this book wouldn't be complete without an extensive view into my entire past since childhood. This should help me attempt to start allowing you to understand how I've become the beast that I am today.
I was born on May 22nd, 1994. I didn't come out easy; from what I know, the doctor had to do a C-section to get me out. I'm not sure exactly how much I weighed, but I think I was on the heavier side. Anyways, that's the boring stuff.
Like most people, I don't have any recollection whatsoever of the first few years of my life. They must've been really boring anyways, so I suppose it really doesn't matter. Probably cried a lot and pooped in many diapers. Nothing special. My mother told me later on that I hardly slept for several days after getting circumcised, so that must've sucked, but luckily I don't remember.
My first memories start when I must've been at least 8 or 9 years old. They're pretty alright in the very beginning. Back then, before my parents divorced, my family lived in a decently nice house, and I actually had a bedroom and also a computer room which was connected by a washroom. I had a pretty big bed, and as I hardly even had much of a notion of identity at that point, my gender dysphoria still wasn't a very prominent part of my awareness. I knew it was there and it wasn't something that came and went either, but being so young I wasn't even really sure what it meant and basically just tried to ignore it and live my life.
Back then, Pentium 4 CPUs were amazing. Originally, we had only one family computer. That quickly became an issue, though, as me and my younger brother would always want to use the computer, and we'd end up regularly fighting over it. Eventually, I got my own computer which I put together myself, and I'd use that one while my brother used the old family computer.
It wasn't very long before I was curious about trying to make my own website, and once I started using the "View Source" menu option in Internet Explorer, I quickly started diving into the world of HTML, using good old trial and error.
The real family problems started around the time I was 10 years old.
I don't know very much about my parents to be honest. They never wanted to share much and never made the environment at home conductive to it feeling very appropriate nor desirable either. I hardly know much about how my parents even met or how their relationship was before they had kids; all I know about how they got married is the story my father told me about it.
I doubt I've ever been told the complete truth, but as I've watched the relationship between my parents unfold as I grew up, it's only made more and more sense to me why society has moved away from the norm of essentially spontaneous marriages with little to no previous interaction between the people involved, as well as why my parents were so secretive and distant from me.
It's become quite fascinating to me how fucked up the human condition is; we've managed to evolve throughout such a long period of time, developing from quite primitive beings to very complex ones that dominate the entire planet, and yet we've only in more recent years managed to realize that it really takes a meaningful relationship with depth before marriage in order to not result in a very likely fucked up and unsatisfying marriage, and even then it's still not something that's globally recognized and accepted.
Many people still think they can take massive unnecessary risks with fucking their and even others' love lives up, likely in the name of irrationally rigid cultural norms, then just sweep it all under the rug and keep secrets when things don't go well; the effects of the past generations bleeding into the present in this regard is so strong that I'm not sure if fascinating is as appropriate of a word to use rather than disgusting and concerning.
Apparently, he saw her at some ceremony.
Now that I think about it, he never even made it clear what it was. Maybe a baptism or a baby shower or a birthday party, all I really know is that there were multiple families from their shared race that were meeting for something. He said he saw her interacting with some children at this gathering, and pretty much was instantly left with the impression she was good with kids, which was the primary criteria he used to choose to ask to marry her.
Yeah, right.
I've never thought my mother is even remotely attractive, but he must've thought she had a nice ass or something back then and picked her that way, but not even have the balls to say it to me straight up because he's too much of a coward to accept the truth about his poor decision making that led to my life being so fucked up.
After all, he was already running his own business and making decent money when he met my mother, and while I don't think he was a player, I'm pretty sure he had quite a few women he could've picked from. What kind of reasoning is it to pick your future spouse based purely on their potential capacity to raise kids? Is he gay or something?
I mean, say you thought she had a nice body, say you liked her smile and thought she had a bright personality, say you liked what you heard about her family background, there are several things you could say that seem appropriate as reasons to want to marry someone, but to say it was vaguely because she seemed good with kids? It comes off fake as fuck, or if it's somehow not, then it clearly was a severe lapse in judgement, especially for someone who arrogantly likes to flaunt their ability to think.
I already know my father's fake as fuck in many other respects, so I'd hardly be surprised if this was a flat-out lie he's been saying to try to make up for how fucked up things turned out in our family. Given what I've seen of his personality though, this is hardly surprising; he hasn't been the type to coherently believe in keeping things real even when the going gets tough.
He contacted her family through family connections or something, he left the details of that unclear like many other things; he arranged for a meeting with her in his car. I suppose this part's believable enough, that sounds pretty standard for the kind of approach that might be taken among people in that generation. Not sharing any details about how exactly he went about it or his relation to them shows a pretty clear lack of desire to be understood very well though.
I don't see any good reason to want to tell this story, especially the several times he's done so, while deliberately always hiding the same details that all build up to a quite significant lack of overall information, if you don't have things to hide. Something about it still seems sketchy, even if this approach does make sense to believe could've happened.
It'd make more sense that at the very least this isn't the whole truth, and that they had some kind of past history before this event that I've never been told anything about. I've always found it very strange how every time he's told the story, it's always exactly the same progression with exactly the same details and absolutely no additional information or random little relevant memories thrown in here or there; it's like he rehearsed the story he wanted to present in his head for the years we'd grown distant, preparing to regurgitate the same bullshit over and over whenever he felt like it to try to convince himself he could manipulate someone with intelligence of my caliber.
Well, the idiot really didn't know who he was going to be dealing with. Him being an idiot seems to be a recurring pattern in his life too, so I can hardly say that's surprising either.
What he's always said is he talked with her in his car for not even half an hour. Asked her if she drank alcohol, smoked cigarettes, and did drugs. She said no to it all.
To which he proceeded to tell her he wanted to marry her and she had one week to make her decision and contact him if she wanted to go for it.
Seriously?
This is another one of those things that seems somehow reasonably plausible given the generation he's from, but it feels clearly rehearsed in delivery and certainly can't be the whole truth. After all, it doesn't take at least 15-20 minutes just to ask a couple very quick yes or no questions and very quickly get the answers to them.
I can't know exactly what happened and what was said during that conversation, assuming it's not entirely a lie. Considering that the best lies are hidden within half-truths, it's quite likely that he did truly meet her in his car for some period of time during which at some point he ended up asking her to marry him and giving her some time to consider it. What else was said and done in that interaction, which likely would provide more insight into how things ended up so fucked up in that relationship, he clearly has incentive to hide, so I'll never know.
Probably my mother tripping a bunch of massive red flags which my father realized in retrospect that he was a moron not to see, and he now feels far too embarrassed and ashamed to ever admit it. Probably explains why, in all of my limited interaction with my father before I cut him out of my life completely, he would constantly try to tell me to think more while I constantly demonstrated to him that he thinks far less than I do; his awareness of his severe lack in thinking in the past continues to haunt him to this day, while he also, like the idiot he is, continues not to learn from his mistakes.
She waited until the last day to hit him up.
The last fucking day. If that's not a red flag for the viability of a long-term loving relationship, I don't know what is. I can deal with a woman drinking. I can deal with a woman smoking. I can deal with a woman doing drugs. Hell, I could deal with a woman literally being a prostitute before deciding to commit to a relationship with me. But if she already seems considerably reluctant to be with me, I decide to give her a time limit within which to decide if she wants to enter into a relationship with me, and she waits until the last fucking day to accept? If I was my father, I would've told her no thanks, never talk to me again, you stupid bitch.
I don't care what generation you're from, you're completely retarded and deserve a bad outcome in your relationship if you can't see a clear lack of love and affection in someone making it that blatantly obvious that even if they have any serious intention to enter into a relationship with you, they're definitely only planning to do so to use you and then toss you into the garbage once they've finished finding usefulness in you. Especially when you have no real leverage to ensure to any significant extent that they'll think twice before unapologetically taking advantage of you like that.
That's not being in love, that's being a complete idiot. I'm not sure if my father was fortunate enough not to have his father be such a dumbass, or if he was just such a dumbass himself that he could've observed such a thing happening to his own father and should've worked more actively to raise his awareness towards it and avoid it happening to him too but didn't, but I can certainly say that there's no way in hell I'm ever making that kind of mistake.
My father, being the idiot that he is, decided everything was good to go and he married her.
I've never heard anything about where it happened, how it was, who if anyone was invited, how they felt around that time, none of anything like that. I'm not even sure of exactly when it was that they got married, they've never told me a date nor shown me any pictures. It's all just so fucking sketchy and shady. For a long time, I didn't really think much about it and even thought it must be normal for parents to be so distant and secretive, but as I've grown up, I've come to very clearly see just how severe the manipulation both of my parents were doing to me was.
I guess the only part I really got lucky with was that they're both terrible liars when attempting to deceive a more mature eye, and how stupid they are has allowed me to very clearly distinguish the severity of the manipulation and be able to reverse the brainwashing they worked so diligently to inflict upon me for such a long time.
In a way, it's hard to say for certain whether either or both of my parents intended only to use the other from the very beginning or if it just ended up that way because they didn't have enough love between them to make their relationship last, but it's certainly become quite clear that they initially got married because they found use in each other in very clear ways and that was the reason they ended up together rather than any real or at least significant feelings of love between them. Based on what I've heard and seen, my mother was trying to escape her harsh and basically abusive family environment without much money, a job, or the skills to get a job, and my father wanted a woman to give birth to his children.
I seem to recall at some point, somehow, that I heard the marriage had only lasted about 13 years, which was when I was about 10, as they were getting divorced. So I came in the picture within them being married for about two years, and then my brother less than 3 years later. Why it took that time before they had children I'm quite unsure and was never offered any kind of explanation for.
My parents were both pretty cold, distant, and just overall gave off a mean vibe to me, even when I was young and they weren't divorced. Back then though, it wasn't that bad. I don't have any great childhood memories. Probably the only decently pleasant memory I have from my childhood was when I got my own computer, meaning I no longer had to share computer time on the family PC with my brother.
I had an uncle on my mother's side that had a technically involved job where he'd assemble and sell computers as part of his company's operations. I'd went to his office a few times and he helped me learn how to assemble a computer from the parts. Using that knowledge, I assembled my new computer myself after the parts arrived. I felt accomplished.
I don't recall any real tension or fights at all between my parents for the first 10 years of our family life. I certainly saw nothing that would indicate they'd ever get divorced, and it wasn't something I ever thought about at all, even once they started fighting, until the fights started to happen nearly every day and seem to always escalate to yelling and persistent tension between my parents. The onset was quite sudden, and I had no idea really what they were even fighting about or why they ended up getting divorced, until well after my mother had already taken me and my brother from the house we shared with our father.
There was one point where I witnessed my mother literally spit in my father's face, right in front of me, my brother, and her mother; that was when I started to really feel like things were going downhill.
When I was about 10, everything just suddenly very quickly turned to shit. Out of seemingly nowhere, my parents suddenly started fighting nearly every single day. It'd go on for hours, them yelling at each other back and forth. My father would stay at work late, and when he came home he'd just want to watch TV and not interact much at all with anyone else in the house. He'd wake up early in the morning to leave for work, and he'd come home late and basically ignore everyone. It didn't actually bother me much at all personally; I actually quite liked that he wouldn't bother me and it meant I only had to worry about nagging from my mother taking me away from the activities I'd constantly immerse myself in on my computer.
I wasn't sure what was going to happen or what to think at first. I'd recently heard of the game MapleStory from the only person I knew who I could consider any kind of friend back then in elementary school, and I found it extremely enjoyable, so I'd always drown out my parents' arguing by playing MapleStory.
I also had started taking all the extra time I had on the computer because I now had my own to work with in order to use the "View Source" feature in my web browser to start teaching myself HTML. I even messed around in CSS, JS, and PHP a little too.
One day, my mother told me and my brother out of nowhere to pack our things because we were going to spend a week at my grandma's house. Being young and extremely naive, I didn't think much of it and believed that was all that was happening, so I didn't put up any kind of fight. All I cared about was if I could bring my computer so I could play MapleStory and code while we were over there instead of having to be bored all day. When my mother said I could, I felt as content as I could've been at that moment.
Spoiler alert, we didn't end up staying there for only a week.
More than a month passed, and we were still at my grandma's. My mother had still made no mention of why we were still there or when we were going back home. One day, it suddenly just dawned on me how long we'd been there, and I became very concerned about it and the fact that my mother didn't give any indication we were going back home any time soon. Even as a child, I wasn't afraid of confrontation. I confronted my mother about why we'd been there for so long and when we were going back home.
That's when she finally decided to casually drop on me that she was divorcing my father and we were never going back.
I was absolutely livid.
I reminded her that I could clearly recall that I'd specifically told her before she'd made this decision that if she was going to leave my father, I wanted to stay with him. My reasoning was very simple and also two-fold. First of all, my mother was completely financially unstable and incompetent, while my father had a stable and established business he'd already been running for several years and single-handedly already provided for his entire family with. The prospects with my mother in terms of finances were absolutely horrid in comparison. Second of all, my mother had already completely clearly demonstrated to me that she was absolutely mentally unstable as fuck.
Now, you may be wondering how my mother could've already very clearly demonstrated to me that she's severely mentally unstable when I myself was only 10 years old and hardly even had much knowledge of the world. Well, the fact that I didn't have such a detailed view of the world was actually what made it so clear that what I'd experienced because of this woman made her clearly insane.
Aside from her clear inclination to enjoy randomly picking fights and being extremely controlling and obsessive about where I was, what I was doing, and where every single thing I owned was, along with the fact that she'd regularly threaten to lock me in the dark in the garage or put me up for adoption any time she felt like it, there was that one mental breakdown she had where she lost her mind and started randomly going around the house crying and screaming for her mother. She literally started just acting completely insane one day.
Me and my brother were so confused and scared that we called our father, who had to stop working just to come home and figure out what the fuck was going on, you know, considering we told him our mother had gone insane randomly.
After he came home and saw what was going on, he told us to give them a little space and he'd talk to her alone. They talked for a little while, and afterwards my father came back to us and told us she had just been faking it and she'll start acting normal again. Me and my brother were both very confused. We approached her, and I asked her why she'd done what she did. She simply said that at one point, we'd called her crazy, and so she wanted to show us what crazy really looked like.
So basically, my mother had a massive mental breakdown and started acting like she'd spontaneously developed a mental illness and lost her mind, simply because a child less than 10 years old at the time had called her crazy once over something so insignificant and very likely at least mildly appropriate to do so over that even she couldn't recall what it was.
After that, I knew my mother was a lunatic.
So, my mother, whom had already clearly demonstrated to me that she was a lunatic, mentally and financially incompetent to take care of me or my brother properly, had lied to me and forcefully took me away from my father's care, whom I would have preferred to live with and I had explicitly told her that already. I felt certain I'd have to deal with a lot of abuse from her, even from a young age as this was all happening and before my mother could really start being extremely controlling and abusive, and I wasn't wrong.
Throughout the time I was forced to live with her, she was very controlling and frequently relentlessly emotionally abusive.
She'd always find things to pick at me for and harass me on a near-daily basis. If I had little or no homework, she'd fight with me that I should have more. If I had a lot of homework and had to stay up late, she'd fight with me that I shouldn't have so much. If I stayed at home all day on my computer, usually coding as I often did, she'd complain and fight with me that I don't go out and hang out with friends or socialize. On the rare occasion that I did go out with friends, she'd turn around and start fighting with me for days following that I always went out and messed around with my friends instead of staying at home and working towards improving my future.
There was always something she'd pick at and fight with me over. No matter how rational the thoughts I conveyed to her were or how logical my actions were, she always found some emotionally-rooted disgusting way to worm her way out of admitting she was wrong or giving me any real praise no matter how much I deserved it. As you can imagine, this was quite traumatizing.
Fast forward to me hitting 18 years old. I enter university. At this point, I had already been programming for over 8 years, as I first started with HTML already when I was 10 years old.
Upon seeing the first year course work literally being a joke for me, I decided to talk to some others (3rd/4th years at the university, as well as my 4th year cousin in Software Engineering at the time), and it was quite obvious that my programming abilities very significantly surpassed theirs. As a result, I came to the probabilistic conclusion that it would be quite inefficient to continue going. So I very quickly stopped really caring about going to school and getting any good grades in any subject.
During the lowest and most stressful points in my life, I usually smoke cigarettes. I have a theory about smoking cigarettes that has proven quite accurate thus far in my life, at least for me. If you only smoke cigarettes when you're at your lowest and most stressful points, you'll associate cigarette smoking strictly with absolute misery and disgust; as a result, you'll use them to get through the hardest times in your life, but you'll never crave them when you feel good, because you've mentally associated them with negativity to such a thorough extent that they simply hold no appeal.
This was a very troubling time in my life, so I'd sometimes go out to the park nearby my house and smoke cigarettes. I especially enjoyed sitting on the bench in the middle of the park and staring at the night sky in the middle of the night as I puffed on some cigarettes. One day, after I'd come home from university very late, it was around 1 in the morning, and it felt like one of those nights to sit on the bench in the park and smoke some cigarettes. I was at the point that I very clearly knew I didn't want to continue going to university, but I felt lost in my direction in life in that case, because I also felt like my programming skills were quite exceptional and I didn't want to work a regular job, so I was pretty stressed and feeling quite low.
As I sat on the bench in the park smoking, someone started walking by. He stopped in front of me and asked me if he could have a cigarette. The only cigarettes I had at the time were a few Marlboros that I'd gotten from one of my best friends in high school, who'd imported them from the US to sell for a profit at school. He'd given me some for free because I'd help him out with computer stuff sometimes and I'd also come over to his house far more than any of my other friends, because we had a good time chilling.
I knew my friend had since ran out and wasn't buying more, so the few I had were the last Marlboros I was probably going to smoke for a long time. Still, I felt nice because I was enjoying the atmosphere of the nighttime at the park, so I decided to give him one.
He thanked me and started walking away, but as he looked at the cigarette to check the brand, he stopped for a moment.
"Is this a Marlboro?" he asked.
"Yeah," I replied nonchalantly. I was just giving the guy a free cigarette, so I wasn't sure why he was asking about the brand. It was free after all.
"Nice! It's my favorite! Thanks man," he responded as he started to walk away.
I didn't think much of it and took another drag off my cigarette. That cigarette finished, and I sparked up another one right after. I don't smoke very often, but when I do, I pretty much always chain smoke. I continued to sit on the bench at the park. I felt like staying for at least another hour or 2, and my house was extremely close to the park, so it'd literally take me less than 2 minutes of walking to get home and I wasn't stressing about it. Besides, if I waited long enough, hopefully my mother would be asleep when I went inside, instead of sitting in the living room waiting to surprise me and start bitching about why I came home so late.
I was an 18 year old in university that never once came home incoherent and in any way apparently drunk or high, yet she was still extremely controlling and unreasonably interrogative of me every time I left the house, even if I just wanted to go for a walk and some fresh air, or even every time I'd get home from university, regardless of what time I got home. I wanted to focus on what I was going to do with my future instead of that bullshit, so I just kept staring at the sky puffing my cigarette thinking about life.
I wasn't keeping my eye on the time, but it must've been about 15 or 20 minutes after I'd given that guy I'd never seen before a cigarette in the middle of the night, and he returned to the park. He approached me once again, the cigarette I'd given him earlier still in his hand.
"Hey, could I have a light?" he said as he put the cigarette to his lips.
"Oh, yeah," I said. I reached for my lighter in my pocket and handed it to him. He lit his cigarette, took a drag, and handed my lighter back to me.
"Yo, do you smoke weed?" he asked.
"Yeah," I replied casually. I had no idea why he was asking.
"Here, I got something for you," he said as he raised his hand not holding a cigarette.
I opened my hand not holding the cigarette I was currently smoking, and he placed something into it. It was quite dark due to it being the middle of the night, and for a moment it was hard to make out what it was he'd given me, but after looking at it for a little while, I was pretty sure of what it was.
"Yo, is this weed?" I asked with some visible excitement.
"Yeah bro. It's for you. Enjoy. You gave me a Marlboro and they're my favorite but really hard to find around here, so I wanted to give you a gift. Have a good night man," he said with a smile on his face.
"Thanks bro! I'll enjoy it for sure," I responded happily. Even in the dimly lit middle of the night at the park, I could still see that the nug of weed he'd given me looked to be more than half a gram, so it wasn't a tiny amount he'd given me either. Certainly more than what that cigarette was worth. I figured he just felt generous like I had.
"No problem bro. See you around," he said as he turned around and took another drag off his cigarette as he walked away.
I didn't think much about it. I was happy to have some weed I could smoke later, because I hadn't had some for quite some time at that point, and I could really use it to help me deal with the stress of both dealing with my abusive and controlling mother as well as trying to figure my future out. I continued to smoke the cigarette I was smoking. When that one finished, I lit and smoked another one. Then another one after that. Then I just stared at the night sky for a good while longer, and eventually made my way home. It was well past 2 at that point, and luckily, my mother was asleep. I walked up to my room and went to sleep.
The next day, I decided to stay at home and just smoke the weed I'd gotten as I contemplated my future some more. My mother had to go to work, so it was very easy to simply tell her I had classes to go to later, and then just never end up leaving the house. Going downstairs and moving my shoes around a little so my mother couldn't try to interrogate me about them seeming to be in exactly the same position would be sufficient to keep her off my back. I stayed at home and thought about my future while slowly smoking the weed I'd got throughout several hours, and then as the time neared that my mother would get home, I left the house and went to the park to chill.
I was thinking about life and not using my computer anyways, so I had no specific reason to stay home, and since it was extremely stressful even being around my mother in the same house, stepping out and getting fresh air to think would be infinitely more effective at allowing me to relax and clear my head than staying around to possibly get fought with and/or interrogated randomly as my mother passive aggressively took out her frustrations with life on me.
I still had some cigarettes left, so I started smoking. After some time, both my brother and the dude that I gave a cigarette to the previous night approached me at the park. I was surprised and confused. I quickly learned that the dude actually went to the same high school that my brother did, and they weren't close, but they knew each other. I learned that he sold weed and he'd come to the park I was starting to hang out at often because he lived really close to the park as well and it was a spot he often made sales. He told me his real name, but he told me he preferred to be called Clutch. Not a problem.
I lived at a house literally right beside the park, while he lived a few houses down a nearby street; he was less than a minute walking distance further away from the park, so it made a lot of sense. That's how I came to realize I'd met my neighborhood drug dealer after only a few times of smoking cigarettes in the middle of the night at the park near my house.
"So what are you doing? Are you staying here or what?" Clutch asked me with clear interest.
"I got a lot on my mind and it's stressful at home so I'm gonna chill here and keep smoking cigarettes," I told him.
"Will you be here in like an hour?" he asked me, pretty obviously because he planned to return.
"Yeah bro, I'll be around for sure," I assured him.
He told me he'd be back in the park later in the day, and with weed. After a little while, he had to go home, so I told my brother not to mention that he knows anything about my whereabouts if my mother asks him, and both my brother and Clutch left. I continued to sit on the park bench and smoke cigarettes, thinking about my future as I waited for Clutch to return with weed.
After less than an hour, Clutch returned.
He had a joint with him. He lit it and we started talking as we passed the joint back and forth. He seemed like an alright dude, and he was certainly quite friendly towards me for a drug dealer. I'd never been a customer, nor had I even expressed interest in becoming one. He told me that he didn't really have any friends that lived really close to him like me, and he expressed interest in hanging out more often. He offered to let me smoke weed for free every time we hung out, because he smoked it every day and always had some to spare, being a dealer.
It sounded good to me, so I agreed. Because I was in university and left and returned home at varying hours, I finally got a phone for the first time in life from my mother, because she wanted to be able to further be a control freak over my life; she didn't present it that way though, obviously. Anyways, the point is I had a number, so me and Clutch exchanged numbers.
The next day, Clutch texts me to meet him at the park. My mother had already left for work, and I was just thinking about my future anyways, so I agreed. As I walked into the park, I saw Clutch standing beside the bench smoking a cigarette. It looked like he'd only very recently started. I walked up to him, we greeted each other, and I took out a cigarette myself and lit it. We smoked our cigarettes mostly in silence. Clutch finished his cigarette a little before I did, and he took out a joint. He asked me if I was down to smoke it with him.
Of course, I was. As we were passing the joint back and forth, he mentioned that he had a chop to do, and asked if I was down to bring him back to my house so we could smoke more weed while he bagged some up to sell it. I was just thinking about life and not doing much else, and I really wanted to smoke more weed, so I agreed.
I started to go to the park to smoke cigarettes nearly every day, and Clutch would regularly either run into me at the park or text me and ask me what I was up to and if I was down to smoke some weed with him. We started hanging out pretty much every day. We'd smoke weed and cigarettes inside the house, and he'd make chops at the front door regularly.
After a while, he actually decided to dabble in also dealing MDMA, and he had his supplier come to my house; that was a pretty interesting experience. A while after Clutch called his guy, a car with no license plates pulled up into the driveway. Clutch even made it a point to point out the lack of a license plate, to emphasize how hardcore the guy was. He came inside with a bag. We all went into my room, and Clutch and his source sat on my bed. Clutch then took out a ton of bills and started counting up thousands of dollars in 20s, 10s, and 5s, as his source took out 2 huge 1 pound bags of weed and 14 grams of MDMA crystals then proceeded to watch Clutch and confirm the amount.
As I started hanging out with Clutch and being able to smoke a lot more weed and relax more, I was more and more certain that finishing university wasn't the life path that felt right to me. I carefully thought about my options. I wanted to start specializing my coding skills and doing some research and work with graphics engines so I could start doing game development. It was something I'd wanted to do from a young age, so I felt drawn to it. I've always loved games, and I've always loved coding, so game development seemed like the best logical decision as it was a combination of both of those things.
However, I also knew my mother wasn't going to let me drop out of school so I could stay at home and work on developing a game. I knew that she knew I was good with computers, but she'd always look down on my skills of both working with computers in general as well as coding in specific, which wasn't surprising at all because she literally never had anything good to say to me and literally never complimented me on anything even when I did well in something. If I did one thing well or maturely, she'd find something else to try to bash my character and lifestyle around with.
So I decided to start looking for a job. I decided I had to let my mother know, because I wanted to know her reaction, and I also didn't want her to cause a huge fight with me about it later if I found a job and suddenly just approached her one day and told her I found a job and was quitting university because I found it a waste of my time and money. Dealing with my mother was always extremely stressful, and I hated opening up to her at all, because I knew I had no good reason to trust her at all one bit more than absolutely necessary. I popped some MDMA, waited for it to start kicking in, and then went downstairs to tell my mother I was getting a job.
During that initial conversation, she was making strange suggestions and interrupting me way too frequently to the point I had to tell her several times to simply let me speak my thoughts instead of constantly interrupting and giving input I didn't ask for or want, but although she wasn't listening to that request, she didn't seem opposed to me getting a job. She even told me she'd get me a suit I could wear for my interviews. I thought it was weird and unnecessary, but she was extremely insistent on it and said that I needed to wear one to leave a good first impression on my potential future employers.
At the time, I didn't have the insight to know it definitely wasn't appropriate clothing for a job interview for a programmer position, which was what I was applying for, or any other job I'd ever apply for either for that matter, but because I'd never been to an interview before, I thought she was actually being nice; I've long since realized that this was her passive aggressive way of sabotaging my chances at actually getting a job, and I was very frustrated once I found out.
Once I realized what she'd done, I also immediately knew why, and I was only further disgusted. It was quite ironic actually. Throughout the time I'd had to live with her, she'd regularly criticize my father and praise herself, saying that my father was trying to trap her with him by intentionally sabotaging her ability to leave him and making her feel like she was doomed without him in her life, to which she felt very proud she'd managed to overcome it. The reason it's ironic is because that's exactly what she was trying to do to me with being so insistent on me wearing a suit to every single job interview I attended.
A little while passed, and I went to two job interviews, both of which my mother insisted I wore a suit to, and obviously I didn't get the job. My mother was very quick to start regularly telling me that I just wasn't qualified enough, I'd drastically overestimated my abilities, and I definitely needed to keep going to school and graduate, which was why I wasn't able to get a job. I felt like something was certainly off and I told her I was going to keep trying because I hadn't even been looking for very long. She certainly wasn't happy about that.
It wasn't long before it became very obvious that my mother had a very real problem with me actually having the prospect of getting a job and quitting school, and once she saw I was serious about it and wasn't going to be manipulated by her, she wasted no time to make it very clear to me she had no intention of allowing me to pursue the course of action I wanted to take. As I kept adamantly searching for a job, within a very short period of time after she realized she couldn't manipulate me into focusing on school and stopping my search for a full-time job, she caused an extreme amount of conflict.
As I saw this happening, I realized that I could no longer accept her severely abusive behavior which had now become very clearly blatantly malicious, and I knew I absolutely had to leave that environment promptly. After she tried even involving one of my uncles to back her up and further attempt to guilt and manipulate me into quitting my job search and focus on school, she started becoming even more hostile, and I knew what I had to do. One day, when she called me downstairs to "talk" once again, which really meant her yelling at me and harassing me for not giving her more of my student loan money, of which she'd already fought with me to the point she'd managed to manipulate me into giving her $1000 of, I decided enough was enough, and I told her I was calling my father. She started getting angrier and defensive, trying multiple times to tell me "Before you call that number, there's something you should know", but when I asked her what she was talking about, she just told me I was going to regret it.
I knew there was definitely a possibility I'd regret it, but I also knew I'd regret sticking around in her abusive environment and not even trying. I decided that after seeing what kind of a person my mother truly is, my father would at least be a new experience, if not also a better one. She certainly wasn't doing anything to make me not regret leaving, and so I very quickly realized that if I ended up with unfortunate circumstances with my father, that just meant I was very unlucky to have a shitty family regardless, and that if I was going to wallow in regret, I'd be regretting whatever decision I made either way. Once I pretty quickly realized this, combined with the fact that she was just fucking with me and trying to fear monger me into not contacting my father using no real rationality or substance to her argumentation whatsoever, I eventually just told her to shut up, and I finally fully dialed the number and waited on the dial tone for my father to pick up.
My father answered the phone pretty quickly. It wasn't really surprising to me, he was at work, and he had to answer his phone promptly to make sure he wasn't missing out on potential orders. I wasted no time telling him that I wanted to leave my mother and live with him, and he asked me when I wanted him to pick me up. I told him right away, to which he told me he could drive over there in less than an hour, and I said I'd finish packing my stuff and be ready to go by the time he arrived.
While my mother had remained silent during the phone call, she wouldn't shut up afterwards. She followed me up the stairs and into my bedroom, yelling at me the whole time as I was packing up my stuff. Of course, I wasn't having any of it and I was yelling back at her. I didn't really have any reason to fight with her any longer except for personal satisfaction of getting my frustration with her out, so I decided to yell extra loud and hard for once. Even seeing I very clearly was packing all my stuff and appeared to have no intent to go back on my word to my father to leave with him was not a good enough reason for this woman not to fight with me and leave me angry and frustrated with her to the very last moment I ever had to deal with her. She'd always been a petty bitch, so I suppose it was foolish of me to have any expectations of her to finally act mature at that point.
My father arrived within less than an hour like he'd said. He didn't even dare park in the front driveway, which I knew was smart of him, because my mother probably would've called the cops on him if he did. As soon as I saw his car, I started bringing my stuff downstairs to load into his car. I didn't even have that much, so it didn't take long before all my stuff was out of the house and loaded up.
As I left that hellish nightmare of an environment I called living with my mother for the last time, I gave her one final "fuck you" and didn't look back. I got into the car with my father, and we drove off. As he drove me back to his place, he asked me if I was hungry, to which I said I was, and we stopped for some fast food. Within less than an hour, we were unloading my stuff from his car and into his house.
Upon initial arrival at my father's house, things seemed to be okay. Within a couple months, I managed to identify that I wanted to use my programming abilities to make a game, and not just any game, but the first ever truly multi-genre game. I threw together a core design document.
My father seemed mostly understanding, and even when I told him I was going to quit university because I already had the knowledge and passion necessary to do so, he expressed his concern but ultimately said he would allow me to do so as long as I could demonstrate clear progress and an end-goal. I had no issues with this as I was not attempting to deceive him so those things were only a natural consequence of my work.
The problems came though, as time went on. We had some very trivial arguments, and some not so trivial ones. He forced me and my brother to appear in court to force my mother to give up at least some of the RESP funds she would clearly no longer be entitled to if we were no longer living with her, since she had previously claimed he was lying about us living with him. This money he kept for himself, but I did not really have an issue with that since he was ultimately supporting me anyways.
Something really wasn't sitting quite right with me about why he was acting the way he was though, as I was showing him proof of my working and would literally sit at home all day everyday, rarely going out, and even when he came to talk to me or see what I was doing, I was pretty much almost always working on making my ideas for the game a reality, primarily through programming. He would say things like "you're doing nothing all day", even though that clearly was not the case and I had proved it to him on a very rational level as I showed him the game's progress in development.
I was starting to see a stronger and stronger resemblance to abuse just like my mother had done to me. But I had a goal, and I was determined not to let his fear, anger, jealousy, or whatever one might want to argue it was to stop me from succeeding in life.
However, in life, there are many limits. Unfortunately, one day not very long after that court case was settled, my father severely breached a very critical limit that I identified for myself. He irrationally genuinely threatened to kill me for something completely beyond my control.
While I was always more of a thinker and proactive in using my thoughts to shape the objective reality in a fashion that maximized the value I can bring to my own life and others' lives, my younger brother (three years younger) was not nearly at quite a capacity of functioning.
As a result, when he ended up finishing high school, he didn't want to pursue a post-secondary education while simultaneously essentially just playing games most of the day, and this understandably upset my father. Eventually, one day, my brother just snapped, completely lashed out at my father, and my father kicked him out.
Upon hearing the story from both sides, I came to the conclusion that this must have been what my brother wanted, since even I could sympathize with and understand my father reacting the way he did. So my brother left.
But as the days went by, my father was more and more persistent in telling me to try to convince my brother to come back. Within not even a month, he was already doing it almost every single day, and it was not a mere "tell your brother to come home, it's best for him".
It was more of a very emotionally manipulative harassment where he would essentially blame me for all the shortcomings of my brother including him leaving itself. As you can imagine, this was very exhausting to deal with, and within a short period of time, I was rendered completely unable to continue developing my game in that environment.
Within about two months of my brother leaving and not giving any kind of response to my messages, my father saw that merely asking my brother to come back would not be enough to get any kind of response from him.
So he tried offering money. He told me to tell my brother he would give him money to simply have a conversation with me in person, and explain what he's doing and why he's not coming back. So my brother demands $2,000, my father says $500 is as far as he'll go, and my brother agrees.
My brother comes over and explains to me that he loves being homeless, much more than he enjoyed living with our father. He didn't hate our father, but rather he enjoyed the excitement and opportunities that living downtown brought. He had also applied for welfare, and the welfare office had helped him land a job.
I was very happy for him and told him that since he is a legal adult, I understand and accept that it is truly beyond my control whether he comes back or not.
However, it is worth noting that up until the conversation I had with my brother at that point, my father was constantly putting all the blame on me, for things my brother did, my mother did, and essentially many things beyond my control. He literally went as far as to say that my ability to even function as a human being at all would be determined by if I was able to convince my brother to come back or not.
I knew my father would not react positively if I merely told him what my brother had told me. He would probably even accuse me of lying. So I told my brother to wait until my father got home from work, and tell him the conclusion himself.
So my father comes home, and a gigantic storm arises as I had expected. Plenty of emotional abuse and attempted manipulation flowing out of my father's mouth like the water flows through a river with a fast current. He just kept going. He even went so far as to ask my brother if he even needs his father anymore, and when my brother said no, my father said that he should give back the money he was given then.
When my brother questioned why, and rightfully so since it was never a precondition that my brother must come back in order to receive the money, my father very aggressively stated that it was because it was "the way things have to work right, and if things don't work right, people's lives become in danger". I took this as an indirect death threat to my brother, but I suppose it is open to your interpretation.
Proceeding on, my father was still attempting to force my brother to come back. When I finally saw, after many hours of arguing, that my brother would really not budge and the whole argument was a huge shit storm going in circles with all of us only getting more and more stressed out, I finally had enough.
I told my father, "Look, we both tried our best, but my brother is not coming back, and he is not obliged to do so. You already even took away the $500 he realistically deserves to have, and since he is a legal adult, we must both accept his decision. He's not coming back, and you should stop stressing us all out by continuing to have a circular argument going nowhere. You told me my abilities as a person can be judged by whether my brother comes back or not, but I know this is not the case. What are you going to do, kill me over it?!"
Do you know what his response was? His expression remained sharp, his eyes flared, and I could see the smirk clearly forming on his face. In a very serious tone, he responded. "Be careful."
At this point, I took this as a very direct death threat. I literally immediately called him out on it and questioned how he could even rationally argue my brother should come back despite literally just hearing that. My father flat-out denied he had even made anything resembling a death threat altogether. I told him very clearly at that point that everyone better hold up because at this point, I'm even very seriously contemplating leaving with my brother.
My father, keys in hand, tightly gripping one pointed forward, aggressively walks right up to my face and says "You're all talk, you won't do shit." My brother ended up leaving, but I decided to stay at least a little longer.
However, I could not sleep. I was utterly mortified by what I had experienced. My father had genuinely threatened to kill me over something completely insane and entirely beyond my control, not in any way my fault. I had already made up my mind that I was going to pack up my things and leave.
For the next 2 days, I could not sleep. When my father was gone for work, I would work as diligently as I could to gather any and every belonging I had, pack it up, and prepare to leave. On the second day, close to the time he was about to come home, I left.
After I left my father's house, that was the first time in my life that I became homeless. I'll admit, I was quite scared at first. Luckily for me, my brother had already been homeless for a while, so I had some information to work with already. As I was packing my things to leave, I had asked him where the shelter he was staying at was and told him I was asking because I planned to go there as well. He gave me an address and wished me good luck. The address was in downtown Toronto, so I took the few coins I had on me for bus fare and made my way downtown.
When I arrived at the address he told me, I quickly learned that he had not given me the correct address. I was carrying three heavy bags on me, because back then I still had a lot of attachment to physical possessions and also wasn't experienced with being homeless, so I was quite lost as to what to do at that point. I knew there was absolutely no way I was going back to my father's house, so I started walking around downtown Toronto, pretty much aimlessly, trying to figure out what I was going to do.
The bags I was carrying made it quite painful to move around, but somehow I still managed to walk around for a few hours. Eventually, I ended up in a park. It was already night time at this point and I was quite tired and didn't feel like continuing to walk around aimlessly anymore because my three heavy bags had exhausted my shoulders, back, and feet. Just like that, I spent my first night ever homeless nervously alternating between sitting down and pacing around at a park in downtown Toronto all throughout the night, constantly watching my three heavy bags as I listened to music on my phone to stay awake for the third night in a row without sleep at that point.
The next morning, I went back to the area around the address my brother had given me. I wasn't sure exactly what I was going to do, but I sat down somewhere to think. I was quite sleep deprived at this point, and I was fading in and out of consciousness, extremely nervous about getting my possessions stolen.
As I sat there, after a while, a guy walks up to me and asks me if I'm homeless. I was instantly jerked awake and told him I was, starting to look nervously at my positions to see if anything was missing. Immediately he told me that he was friendly and had no intention to hurt me or take any of my belongings. He asked me if I smoked, to which I said I did, and then he took out a cigarette and handed it to me. I thanked him and gratefully took it, put it in my mouth, and lit it.
He took out another cigarette for himself and lit it. He asked me if it was okay if he sat beside me, and I said okay. He proceeded to tell me that he was also homeless and staying at a shelter that was just across the street from where I was sitting. He asked me if I planned to go there and I told him that of course I did. I thanked him for letting me know about the shelter. He told me he was glad to be able to help and that in that case, he would see me again soon, during the shelter's regular reopening hours. I asked him what he meant, and he explained that the shelter closed during the morning and early afternoon, to encourage the homeless people staying inside to find something useful to do with their time.
I told him that I would go check into the shelter after I was done the cigarette, and he told me everything was going to be fine and then went on his way.
As I was smoking the cigarette, I contemplated on why my brother had given me an address very close to but not exactly that of the shelter. I very quickly realized that he was probably concerned that it was some kind of manipulation I was playing into that my father was orchestrating to try to figure out exactly where he's staying. I decided to forgive my brother for lying, and as I finished my cigarette, I got up, grabbed all three of my bags, and started walking to the shelter.
I was a little confused at first as to where the entrance of the shelter was, because there didn't seem to be any clear door to it. I entered the main door of the building I'd been told was the shelter, and told the first staff member I saw there that I was looking to register to be in the shelter. I was informed that the actual entrance to the shelter was through the secured side door further along the front of the building I'd entered. I went back outside, walked further down along the length of the building, and noticed that there was a buzzer beside a locked door that was part of the same building.
I pressed the buzzer and a voice asked me what I wanted. I told the person over the speaker that I was homeless and looking to stay at the shelter. The voice over the speaker told me to open the door. Very shortly after, I heard a buzzing noise and pulled the door open and stepped inside.
In front of me were a few stairs and I walked up them, turned to my left, walked up a few more stairs, and approached the secured front desk where the shelter staff for the day were seated. They greeted me and asked me if the bags I was carrying were all my possessions. I told them that they were. They asked me if I had any drugs or weapons in my possession. I said no.
The staff member at the front asked me if I had any identification. I asked if my health card was enough, and after I was told that it was, I took my health card out and handed it to the staff member. After taking a look at it briefly, he took out a few sheets of paper and started going through the rules of the shelter outlined on the papers with me.
The contents of the papers was pretty simple, straightforward, and understandable. I was asked about having any mental illness, being charged of any crimes, and if I had stayed at any other shelters. After I had finished providing all the information necessary for the forms and was assigned a bed, the door to my right opened and another staff member motioned me to come inside and take my bags into a room within which they would be held until I returned later in the day during the hours that the shelter reopened, after which I was told I'd have to put my belongings inside of my assigned locker.
After I left my bags in the shelter, I exited back out onto the street and started wondering what I was going to do with my time, since I obviously was no longer able to continue developing my game as I'd been passionately doing for the past couple years at that point, and I felt quite at a loss as a result. I didn't end up doing much except smoking a few more cigarettes and waiting for the shelter to reopen.
I found my brother pretty easily after the shelter reopened.
Before I even asked, he confirmed to me what I'd assumed earlier about him lying about the address due to worry my father was attempting to determine where he was staying. I made my way to my room and checked out the bed I was assigned. There were eight other beds in the room, and every bed except mine was a bunk bed. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snack were all served every day for free.
The first night I spent there was the only night I truly felt afraid. During the day after the shelter had reopened, I pretty quickly talked to a bunch of other guys in my room and got to feel out their attitude a little bit; they pretty much all seemed to be degenerates except for one dude, which I can't say was surprising. As we lay in the dark in the room before we fell asleep, we were talking back and forth. Naturally, since I was the new person in the room, they were talking to me mostly.
When I was asked what I spend my time doing, I mentioned that I was pretty good at programming. One of the guys told me that I shouldn't be so quick to brag about my skills, quite clearly expressing some jealousy. I responded that I wasn't bragging, simply sharing a little bit about myself, and that it shouldn't be something to be jealous about that I have some programming skills, especially considering I had still ended up in the shelter. He responded by telling me that I still shouldn't seem so proud of my abilities. Honestly, I found this a little funny, so I let the fucker see a little bit of my savage side. I told them that I know it's really not that much of a big deal if I'm better at him than programming because it's not like it's going to make him so jealous he'd want to kill me over it.
That was the last thing anyone said that night.
I woke up the next morning feeling very refreshed and with a newfound sense of confidence in my new environment. It certainly wasn't quite as cozy as a regular home, but it wasn't nearly so bad for a lifestyle of being homeless, which I thought would be significantly worse. Free food, shower facilities, a place to sleep at night... There was a lack of privacy and a sense of a lack of safety, but it wasn't bad at all overall. Considering that I hadn't felt much of a true sense of privacy or safety under the care of either of my considerably abusive parents, this wasn't really much of a difference to me, and I was actually so relieved to be rid of them in my life that in a very real way it felt like an upgrade compared to my old life, as strange as that may sound.
Literally the only thing that bothered me was that I no longer had a computer suitable for developing my game, but I decided that was something I'd have to worry about later. I knew that I wanted to apply for welfare, so I decided that the first thing I was going to do after breakfast and the shelter closing for the morning was to go apply for welfare. I figured that I would find housing and be able to leave the shelter within a couple days, and I could figure out what I was going to do about my computer situation at that point, when I'd actually have a place I could set up and use a computer to develop on in the first place.
I had breakfast at the shelter, then headed to the welfare office, which happened to be very close by. After talking to the front desk and requesting to see a case worker, I waited for the worker to be ready to see me, then stepped inside the meeting room with him. After being asked briefly about my situation and to show some identification, I learned that while I can get the basic needs funds quite quickly, the housing funds required me to have a birth certificate to further prove my identity.
Unfortunately, as I was packing my belongings to leave, I had noticed that my birth certificate was mysteriously missing. I was hoping that it wouldn't be a problem, but apparently it was. My first time being homeless ended up lasting over two months because of this, when it could've been only a few days.
As to what happened to my birth certificate, well, I know I certainly didn't eat it. I can't imagine having accidentally thrown it out. I'd looked high and low through every corner of my room and in every drawer I had, and I was certain I hadn't left it behind due to carelessness. To this day, the only conclusion I can reach is that my father stole it. I had happened to notice that it was missing a little while before I ended up homeless, so I actually confronted my father about it.
Unsurprisingly, he flat out completely denied knowing anything about it or having gotten anywhere near it.
When I first entered the shelter, one of the workers told me, upon seeing my newer, more expensive phone, that better phones get stolen quite quickly around those parts. I didn't think much of it at the time, but that proves to be quite the learning experience.
The very beginning of staying at the shelter was overall okay and actually a lot better than I'd expected. The guy that had initially introduced me to the location of the shelter told me his name was Paul, and he was a nice enough seeming guy; he even gave me cigarettes sometimes. I went through the first few days without really encountering any problems and was still a little apprehensive but felt like I could already understand why my brother felt pretty comfortable in this environment. The first real sign of trouble began though, when one guy, calling himself CJ, asked me for a cigarette one day as I was smoking out at the back of the shelter where people normally smoked because it wasn't allowed inside.
I wasn't asked for cigarettes very often, so I generally just gave people one when they asked. After I gave him one, he started striking up a conversation with me about wanting to quit smoking and how he'd been smoking for a long time, asking me if I had any advice. I made the very stupid mistake of being friendly towards him and trying to give him advice, still being quite naive to the ways of the world and the streets at that point. At one point, he told me I had a nice phone, and he asked if he could see it. I may the incredibly stupid mistake of actually letting him do so and handing it to him, thinking he would simply take a look and innocently hand it back to me after a short amount of time. He examined it, played around with it a little, but he didn't give it back. Thus began my journey encountering one of the higher-ups in the Bloods gang.
Suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere, I started seeing a bunch of people in the shelter carrying around red bandannas. Even a few of the guys from my room were caring red bandannas. We had established somewhat of a friendly connection. I'd smoked weed with them and back then weed was still illegal in Canada so when I asked if they knew where I could get some, one of them told me he had a license to get it medically, and I gave him cash to buy it for me, which I ended up sharing with him and a couple of the others. I straight-up asked them if they were Bloods, and they told me yeah they're from the streets and basically they needed to join a gang so they joined the Bloods.
"I already got a lot of my boys in here," CJ told me. It was all so crazy to me. He was telling me how they were going to wipe out the Crips in the area within the next couple weeks. One of the guys in there told me that he used to be a Crip but left, and CJ confirmed it and told me that it was okay because the guy had left them, otherwise he would've had a problem with him.
It just so happened that the day CJ took my phone, the following day I was scheduled to pick up my new birth certificate, so I could finally start applying for housing. Unfortunately, CJ had my phone, and I really wanted to get it back, especially since I had spent nearly $1,000 on it quite recently at that point. I told him I needed to get my phone back and I had to go pick up my birth certificate, but he told me to do it later and come instead with him to see a place he hung out.
At that point, he was still telling me I'd get my phone back soon if I listened and came with him to where he wanted to take me, so it seemed like a difficult decision; if I could go back and give myself advice, I would've told myself the phone was already lost and that going where he wanted me to was entirely not worth it. I really didn't want to miss getting my birth certificate, but I figured it couldn't have been that much of a delay if I just went and saw where CJ wanted to take me, and I really wanted my phone back, so I decided to listen to him; this turned out to be a tremendous waste of time, at least as far as my endeavor of getting my phone back.
After a bus ride, we took a little walk and reached the destination he wanted to bring me to, a place that seemed to be some form of a recreational area. When we got there, the first thing he did was bring me into the computer room, open up a little flash game on some website, played for a little while, and then proceed to claim to me that he made the game himself. Naturally, I was quite in disbelief, considering that he certainly didn't seem like the programmer type. I asked him a few questions about how he made the game, and unsurprisingly, he didn't really give me any straight answers. I was quite certain that he didn't actually make the game, but I pretended to believe he did; I just wanted my phone back.
Afterwards, he brought me to the pool table in a separate area of the building, where I met his, as he said, street dad. It was certainly an older man, and he was also homeless. CJ told me this man was a high-up in the gang as well. CJ played pool with a man for a while, and at one point, he even made me quite uncomfortable by randomly asking me if I was looking at his ass. As I'm not into men, I obviously wasn't, but considering how many homosexual men were at that shelter, I can't say I was too surprised that CJ appeared to be one of them with him asking that.
After that miserable experience was over, me and CJ left the building. I'd already asked him a few times at this point if I could have my phone back, but he quite clearly didn't seem to have any intention of actually giving it back to me. The rest of the day went by, I didn't get my phone back, and I spent that night wondering what I was going to do about my birth certificate.
The next morning, CJ approached me and told me that he had managed to accidentally knock his street dad's phone, of exactly the same brand as my phone he had held hostage this far, off a handrail of a staircase while he was drunk, and now his street dad was very angry at him and demanded that he get him a replacement phone. The story sounded quite suspicious and I didn't really believe it at all. CJ told me that his street dad would literally kill him if he didn't get the phone for his dad, and he told me he had no way to do so other than to give his street dad my phone.
I told him that I felt sorry for him naturally, but that he had fucked up of his own accord, and that I just wanted my phone and it wasn't my problem what he did with his life. Initially, he sort of seemed to accept this answer, but after a while, he came back and told me that his street dad was now telling him that he would kill both CJ and myself if I didn't hand over my phone.
At this point, I started to realize that I had lost that $1,000 phone to a gang leader in a homeless shelter. I tried telling CJ that I didn't stay around any shady areas, and that I wasn't going to get simply shot or stabbed in broad daylight and a public space with a lot of people. CJ basically told me I was retarded and that he would shoot me in broad daylight in the middle of a mall himself if he had to. Honestly, after hearing this, I realized what I had said was actually quite indeed stupid.
Reluctantly, I agreed to hand over my phone into his possession permanently, but I asked him if I could at least move over my personal files from the phone before he took it. He seemed quite happy, and he agreed to let me move over my files before he took the phone permanently.
After he took my phone, he left the shelter and didn't return for the night. He never returned for the entire duration that I remained there. All the people I saw had red bandannas on them no longer had any around. I tried asking the "friends" from my room that I had, as well as a couple of the guys I had seen with red bandannas that I sort of knew because I'd given them cigarettes and had a couple conversations with them, and every single one of these people flat out denied being part of a gang or in any way being associated with the Bloods.
Many days went by, and I was surprised how quickly I was able to accept my loss and simply remain focused on the future. It was interesting though that one day, I saw CJ's street dad hanging around outside the shelter one day as I was smoking a cigarette. He came up to me and asked me if he could have a cigarette, so I gave him one. We talked for a while and I asked him if he'd gotten my phone from CJ, explaining that CJ had told me about how he'd broken his phone.
He told me that he hadn't, and that he hadn't seen CJ in a while in general, telling me that he moves around a lot and probably wasn't even in the area. He seemed quite carefree about it for someone who had apparently threatened to kill CJ if he didn't get him a replacement phone, and this only confirmed my suspicion that CJ had simply made that up as an excuse to steal my phone with greater ease. He asked me if I was angry at CJ and planned to take some kind of revenge, perhaps beating him up or something.
I told him I was over it and I had bigger things I was focused on in life, to which he seemed happy to hear.
Very early on when I enter the shelter, one of the guys I talked to was named Darren. He was very open about being gay and didn't make it any secret that he regularly used multiple different drugs. He also seemed not to have much hesitation at all about admitting to me the same day I met him that he has hepatitis C. Although he didn't unnecessarily seem like the greatest friend to have, he certainly appeared to be a better option than most of the other people at the shelter who simply seemed to be degenerates that would spend most of their time smoking weed and doing petty theft and perhaps other crimes and possibly even other drugs.
He went to University to become a doctor, but he'd kind of messed his life up because he got addicted to pain medication and ended up ruining his relationship with his family and I guess either becoming too distracted to want to put sufficient effort in school or simply not even really being capable of focusing enough in general due to excessive drug use and addiction.
During the nearly three months that I spent homeless during my very first experience being homeless, I spent far more time with Darren than with any other person from the shelter. He seemed like an interesting character, and he didn't seem like a very bad person to me, at least for the most part while I was still his friend. I had a few discussions with him about medical field related things and he always seemed quite pleasantly surprised by my knowledge and interest in medicine that clearly stemmed from an intellectual standpoint and not merely the desire to consume several drugs recreationally to get high.
Early on, one of the conversations I had with him where he demonstrated his medical knowledge was one where he introduced me to the DSM-5, which is the current major book that holds a lot of information about medical standards for a lot of mental illnesses spanning a wide range of diagnostic criteria. He used the DSM-5 to evaluate me and ended up diagnosing me primarily with generalized anxiety disorder and family developmental problems.
He actually typed up and printed out a whole diagnosis sheet with a rating and everything on it. He even signed it. I still have that piece of paper to this day.
He acknowledged that he had his own issues and I didn't at all feel as though he was trying to bully me or insult me in any way, so I merely found it interesting that I finally had some formally accepted criteria that I could use to be able to actually evaluate my mental state. I've never actually been to a therapist or doctor before for any kind of real mental evaluation and didn't really know if I actually met the clinical criteria for any diagnosable mental illnesses.
The comfort that knowing that I clinically had validation that I was in a mentally distressed state that was formally accepted as a hindrance to my ability to function properly in society and that the abuse my parents had inflicted upon me truly had a negative impact on my life that was very clearly objectively quantifiable empowered me and made me feel a certain sense of peace that I had not had in the past. This quickly caused me to see Darren even more favorably than anyone else in the shelter due to his intellectual and seemingly kind nature.
Throughout the time that I was homeless, I went on several I guess you could say adventures with Darren, and they were usually at least somewhat interesting to say the least. I witnessed him robbing a grocery store. I went with him to a couple clinics and pharmacies where he manipulated the doctors and pharmacists into giving him drugs. He told me about some of the details that he used from his medical knowledge in order to manipulate these systems, which I knew I didn't plan to use myself but found interesting nonetheless.
He gave me drugs on multiple occasions, sometimes for free and sometimes I'd pay him. I actually got to try a few new drugs in my life thanks to him, namely Adderall and Xanax. It was concerning to me how he was considerably careless with his possessions, and at one point he even gave me his phone worth several hundred dollars and seemed to have forgotten about it entirely, which I could have used as an opportunity knowing his tendency to have memory loss due to his excessive benzodiazepine usage as an opportunity to rob him of the phone, and I didn't have a phone at the time so it would have certainly been useful to me to do so, but I always remained a good friend to him and never took advantage of him even in such an opportunity. I reminded him about it and gave him back the phone within less than two hours.
It's actually my friendship with him in the past that gives me the most solid evidence that I'm truly not sexually or romantically attracted to men, and that's because he was actually not at all a bad looking guy, in fact he was actually seen as so good looking by other people including many gay men that he very regularly had sex with other guys in the shelter system that were homeless, and he actually very clearly although without explicitly saying so had expressed to me that he wanted to have sex with me and I very easily could have dated him and had sex with him multiple times if I so desired, but it never even once for even a moment held any interest nor appeal for me and I knew very clearly with complete certainty that I only ever wanted to be friends with him right from the very beginning of our connection, and that's all we ever were.
Although things seemed all fine and as if having a friendship with him was probably the most positive highlight of my homeless experience because it was easily the most fun and interesting part, it actually turned into easily one of the most disturbing human connections I've ever had the misfortune of experiencing in my entire life, towards the end of that period of me being homeless. Since me and Darren were friends that talked nearly every day, naturally I told him when my birth certificate had came in and I was starting to look for a place. I knew ahead of time when I was going to move in because I found a place and agreed with the landlord to move in less than two weeks before it actually happened, which I naturally ended up telling Darren about excitedly.
I told him that we would still be friends because he'd given me a lot of fun times and interesting memories and that I simply had direction in my life and didn't want to continue being homeless as a lifestyle and that's why I wanted to move. It was simply the honest truth that I had never concealed throughout any point of my friendship with him. I'd already told him before that I believed in him and that he could turn his life around, and I mentioned it again. He seemed sad and expressed that he thought it was the end of our friendship instantly, but he didn't fight with me or seem really angry, and I saw his reaction as very understandable.
Unfortunately, the thoughts he was having behind that reaction must've been a lot darker than I anticipated, and while I suppose I can still understand why someone in his position would've thought what he did and take the actions that he did, that certainly doesn't make them any less unacceptable and morally bankrupt. One day while we were hanging out, we were just casually talking and he happened to cut himself while he was shaving. We were both in the washroom with people coming in and out, because he wanted to be able to keep talking to me while he was shaving so he told me to come into the washroom with him, and I knew I had a much bigger and more muscular build than him so things like that didn't concern me because I knew he couldn't try to rape me alone even if he wanted to. It was also the washroom in the shelter near the staff room, so I knew it was already very unlikely I was in any danger from that aspect alone, and at that point I'd also already clearly expressed to him after having sex more than once with a female prostitute that I was clearly into women, so I knew that he wasn't going to try to pressure me to do anything sexual with him. I was bored otherwise and saw no real problem with chilling there to talk to him.
After cutting himself, he turned around and said he was going to go get a band-aid. It obviously wasn't a super serious injury, but he was bleeding more than an average small cut while shaving. It seemed unusual and I was a little concerned, so I asked him if he was okay and he assured me he was fine and just needed to get some toilet paper to wipe off the blood and then get a band-aid from staff to cover the cut. He turned to go get some toilet paper from a roll in order to wipe the blood off, but suddenly as I was looking in the mirror contemplating if I should shave my own face, he suddenly cut me on the arm with the razor blade and gripped my arm covering the bleeding cut with his hand that had his blood on it from his face. I saw him do this through the mirror and I asked him what the fuck he was doing because it was disgusting and he basically just apologized and told me it was an accident and that he would get me some paper towels for my cut as well. I went to the sink and instantly tried to wash the cut because I was concerned, but I also knew that there wasn't anything I could do at that point and I was really a lot more upset that it seemed quite clear he'd very intentionally given me hepatitis C.
At that point, I suspected and was really worried about Darren having given me his hepatitis C, but he had told me that he had gotten tested and he appeared to be one of the fortunate one in four people that spontaneously recover from it, so I held on to the belief that he hadn't simply been dangerously careless or more likely than not very intentionally malicious, and although I felt a lot more hesitant to talk to him and be warm to him, I still didn't decide to completely cut off our friendship initially.
That, however, didn't last a very long.
The next day, Darren approached me and told me I had hepatitis C and that he had given it to me. Violence has never been my style, and besides, we were in the shelter and I didn't want to get kicked out. I also already was well aware that if I had it, I had it, and no amount of yelling at Darren was going to take it away. I knew I had to stay calm and cool and I also figured that he wanted satisfaction out of seeing me get upset and hurt him, and I didn't want to give that to him. He told me that he lied about being tested again more recently and being one of the fortunate people to recover spontaneously. I simply looked at him with a stern expression and told him never speak to me again. I turned away and walked away from him.
That was the last time I ever talked to Darren.
Since I missed my original pick up date for my birth certificate, I had to schedule a new one. I went to the building for it and arranged for it. I had to wait an additional month, but eventually, I got it.
After I got my birth certificate, I instantly wanted to start looking for a place. I immediately went and informed the housing worker that I was now able to get my housing funds because I had all the necessary identification. She informed me that I should start looking for a place and once I found some places she would help me get settled in, but she also told me she knew someone that had a room available for a good price and asked me if I was interested in checking it out. I figured I didn't have any reason not to, so I told her I was. She made a call, and after confirming with the landlord that it was okay, she told me the address, gave me bus fare, and told me she'd meet me there.
After over an hour and a half of traveling, I arrived. The housing worker arrived shortly after, and then we made our way into the house. She showed me the room, but it actually still needed some work because it was only an open space at that time which needed walls and an entrance door built before it was inhabitable, which she told me would mean it'd only be available the following month at the earliest, and it also lacked a window. I didn't mind the lack of window very much, but I told her I didn't want to wait and have to be homeless for an additional entire month, so I decided to look for a place on my own, and I took the bus back downtown to go to the library and look for places. I spent the rest of that day looking through housing listings online on my laptop at the library and came back to the shelter for dinner.
The following day, I informed the housing worker and she told me to stay until after everyone else left so we could figure things out. After everyone left, we went into her office and she asked me to take out the numbers for the locations I'd picked. I took out my laptop and opened up the pages for all the places I was looking at the previous day, then she started calling. The first few places I'd picked either didn't answer or didn't accept welfare. Eventually though, one of the places that she called answered the phone and confirmed they accepted welfare, so the housing worker arranged to meet them and she gave me bus tokens and told me to meet her at the location once again.
We arrived at the location. The person that had been on the phone with us earlier met us, took us downstairs, and showed us the room. It was a basement room and there were three other rooms with three other guys in them. I didn't meet any of them that day, but I didn't really care. I liked the room and I was mostly just hyped to finally get a place and everything looked good so I told him that everything looked good and I was down to move in ASAP. All that was left was to give him the form he had to fill out for the welfare office so I could get the housing funds to pay rent.
We gave him that form, but he wasn't able to complete it on the spot because he actually wasn't the landlord, he was landlord's son, so he had to get the signature from his father in order to complete the form before being able to submit it. After we learned that, the housing worker told him that he could fax it upon completion, to which he said he could do, and then we left.
His father would usually only come around the area on the weekends, so it took a few days before he could get the form signed, but eventually not too long after we met, he got the form signed and faxed it over. All the paperwork went through and I got the funds necessary for the first and last month to move into the place. I moved in to the room at an awkward time during the month, and I actually got to live there for a couple days for free just because of the timing of it all. After I arrived, the landlord's other son greeted me because the son I'd originally talked to was busy at work, and that dude told me the Wi-Fi password, collected the money, and then I had the room to myself.
I was finally living on my own for the first time in my life. When I briefly thought back to how trapped, suffocated, and stressed out I felt having to deal with living around my parents and realized I now finally had my own place and didn't have to deal with that shit anymore, I felt fucking great.
Back when I was homeless and living at the shelter, I was getting free food and housing, so I wouldn't really spend any of the money I was getting from welfare. Now that I finally got my first own place, I decided that I wanted to celebrate. I went and bought some alcohol and some snacks and started to basically party. After I got home from buying the goods, I took out my laptop and started chilling, browsing the internet, going on YouTube, playing games, and just trying to actually relax for the first time in a long time. I felt exhausted after being homeless for over two months when I'd originally thought that I'd only be homeless for a few days at most.
It was a very welcome change for me with the very notably drastically lowered stress levels. At first, I thought I would just go right back to developing my game that I had been working on for the past couple years at that point already. I tried getting into it again, but at that point I started feeling considerably unmotivated to keep working on it. I thought back to how I'd been through so much abuse because of my parents, which had culminated in being abandoned to the streets and suddenly losing all development momentum, having to wait almost three months before I could even possibly find it viable to start up again, and I realized I needed to take some time to step back and do deep introspection and reflect on the impact that all the trauma I'd had to deal with had on me. Before long, I started to gravitate more towards philosophical and psychological contemplation as opposed to game development.
I reflected a lot on my past traumas.
I thought about all the abusive experiences that I've had to deal with when dealing with both of my parents and I let the anger flow through me. I wrote sometimes to let the steam out. A few months went by this way, and for quite some time I felt like I wasn't really making any progress with my life and I started to worry about if I'll ever really get over all the bullshit I've had to deal with in my life.
One day though, as I was thinking about everything, it just kind of hit me. Bidirectional apprehension. It was something I'd never heard another person speak in my life, but I realized that all my contemplation and my deep introspection led me to this concept. I could sense an even greater depth in the topic than that which I was immediately aware of upon the initial discovery. I immediately realized that I had come across a field that seemed to be neither directly psychology nor directly philosophy but instead was a hybrid, a field best suited to a name entirely of its own that had not been established yet.
Philopsychology was what I decided was the most appropriate thing to call it. For the more technically inclined, it can also be referred to as philopsychological analysis.
I was very excited upon initially making this discovery. I felt like a new chapter in my life had began. I no longer felt simply like a bruised weak pathetic victim of my unfortunate life circumstances, and instead I started to feel like I finally was starting to get some of the rewards that I deserved in my life for overcoming all the hardships that I had.
Not very long after that, I got to see some crazy Illuminati shit and became a Permanent Chief of the Shadow Confederation.
After realizing how powerful I now had become, I figured I should try giving my father one more chance to show a different side of him, one he hopefully had, where he was an actually loving person. One final opportunity to prove to me that he wasn't the piece of complete shit I thought he was from his actions thus far. Instead of just scaring him and telling him he's fucked straight up in the future no matter what he does, I decided to contact him and tell him about my newfound power and that if he helped support me once again with food and shelter, I'd be able to have an easier time making something of myself, and I had something to show for it already to prove what I was saying.
What happened was after I first left my father's house because he threatened to kill me, he sent me some emails trying to get me to come back. At that point, I knew I never intended to see him ever again and I was so sick of his abuse and bullshit that I literally told him to fuck off and drink bleach. He kept bothering me so I argued with him for a few more pretty short messages and unsurprisingly his attitude didn't change. I ended it by basically telling him that there was no way I was coming back after he threatened to kill me and especially after he denied it right after, that I was cutting him out of my life and never wished to hear from or speak to him ever again, and that he shouldn't have his hopes up for my brother coming back either.
Several months went by and even the new year came, and I wasn't bothered by my father for quite some time. Eventually however, he once again started sending me emails. He contacted me with no apology or anything, literally just casually asked me to tell my brother to call him. I told him to stop talking to me, but he kept spamming me. I had to tell him that I now knew gang members and murderers and that I'd pay them to hurt him if he didn't stop bothering me, before he finally shut up and left me alone.
It actually wasn't too long after that when I became a member of the Shadow Confederation and decided to see if giving my father a final chance to change could be worth it. Since I now had a considerably strong position, I knew I didn't have to be nearly so afraid of being killed or physically harmed by him, as I'd be able to enter into any further contact with him notifying him that he'd be killed if he harmed me. Additionally, I was in a position of power such that if there was any possibility of being respected and treated properly by him, it was now or never. I called him up and told him I wanted to talk.
He met me the same day.
He wanted to pick me up at my house, but I told him to pick me up at an intersection not too far away instead, because I obviously didn't trust him, and he accepted. He picked me up and took me to his office to talk. I showed him my website at that point with the papers I'd already written at that point, explaining to him about bidirectional apprehension as a core value and the Shadow Confederation that I was now a part of. I read some of it out to him, to which he pretty quickly just told me to stop because he couldn't even really understand the complex language and he could see where I was going with it that there was clearly depth and meaning in what I said and that I actually achieved something with myself during the time that I had distanced myself from him.
Regardless, he was still extremely disrespectful to me.
He started being abusive and bullying me just like he had in the past, as if I literally hadn't changed at all, even after all the things I'd presented to him and discussed just in that interaction. He was extremely rude and basically talked to me as if I had just pissed my life away the whole time I had distanced myself from him and I was no different from the person that I had been when I left his house and pushed him away so many months prior after he threatened to kill me. I was absolutely livid.
I straight up told him that he's a stupid piece of shit and that I was done with him and felt I was very clearly wasting my time with any further interaction with him at that point. I asked him to simply drop me off back at the intersection he picked me up at, otherwise I'd walk, and that he can deal with whatever's in his future past that point. He had threatened to kill me because I couldn't convince my brother to return to his abusive environment, so I had no issue letting him know that the Shadow Confederation was not going to look at him favorably with his shitty attitude and severe reluctance to give me the respect I deserved in my position.
I reminded him that I was now a Permanent Chief of the Shadow Confederation and that he'd do best not to waste my time any further, as his life was already at considerable risk with the attitude he was giving me. He was also angry, obviously because it had become clear his manipulation and bullying wasn't working, so he agreed to just drive me back to the intersection and drop me off there. I thought that was the last I'd ever have to talk to him.
To my surprise, the next day, he called me and left voicemail. He told me that he had thought about it and he realized that he could die at any moment. He literally included that someone could crash into his car and kill him and make it look like an accident and that after he thought about it, he realized that life was too short and he wanted to help support me. I was left under the impression that he was planning to be more respectful to me and my position, so I decided to call him back and give him an opportunity to provide food and shelter for me once again.
Just like the first time I lived with him, at the beginning, things seemed pretty good.
He definitely at least seemed to have more respect towards me and treated me with the awareness that I wasn't the same moron that he abusively threatened to kill many months prior, and he actually even quite quickly spent a couple thousand to buy me a more expensive PC rig for my game development. At that point, I was on the most expensive computer setup I'd ever had in my life by far and I was back in a much bigger house with better access to food and no longer had to worry about my day to day survival.
Basically, I was in a really good position to start working on my game development once again.
Now, I did truly have every intention to continue game development work full-force, I did start working on it once again, however I continued to think about my newfound knowledge on a daily basis and I figured that if I had managed to influence my father in the way that I had with the knowledge that I had gained, that perhaps I could do more with it than just that, opening up other opportunities for myself on top of my game development endeavors.
I thought about it, and after not too long, I realized that there wasn't really much that I deeply wanted nor many people I wanted to reach out to. I wanted really badly to have a girlfriend and a meaningful love-filled relationship with a woman I found very attractive. I basically immediately considered any woman in my past completely nonviable as a romantic partner, because I just considered them a part of my past and figured that I should move on with my life and they most likely already long had, and on top of that none of them were the dreamy person I was looking for.
I already knew about Twitch at that point, and basically I decided to take it a little slower with game development and spend some time daily looking around more and seeing how I'd end up developing my interactions and connections with people.
I already knew about Kimi at that point, and I decided I now had a solid enough foundation in my life and the sufficient confidence to start becoming an active part of her community. I started talking in her stream chat regularly. I also talked to a bunch of other girls at first, but Kimi was the only one that was really receptive and I also thought she was the most attractive and appealing of all the other girls so I pursued being a part of her community will all my focus and effort I was putting into my romantic endeavors and basically I decided that I would slow down on my game development in order to pursue my main goal and in fact my goal that was more important than game development, the reason why I was doing game development and chasing fame and fortune in the first place, to find the girl of my dreams. A very attractive woman that I felt I really clicked with that likes games like me, and I figured that Twitch was the best place for that because it was a platform for gamers.
Kimi was the most attractive woman I'd ever encountered in my life, and I felt like our personalities clicked right from the beginning, amazingly enough, so I was very quickly drawn to her and she started taking more and more of my time and attention. As I kept becoming further involved and invested in Kimi's life, I further slowed down on my game development in order to pursue her as best as I could. To my surprise, this worked out very well, and that's when my history with Kimi started. She met me within less than a month after I subscribed to her, and basically that's where our love story really started going strong.
The very same day that I moved back in with my father, he'd actually told me to contact my brother and encourage him to come back as well. I was reluctant and didn't do so at first, but he kept insisting and I figured in the end that throwing it out there as a suggestion couldn't hurt. I talked to my brother and within not too long my brother also ended up coming back and so because of me my brother now was being supported by my father once again as well. Although he was living much more comfortably once again because of me, it didn't stop him from judging me for my methods and threatening my father's life with the Shadow Confederation and all that, but he didn't complain much after I reminded him that he was living much more comfortably once again because of me.
Not very long after we both came back to living with our father, he sold his house and moved to a new one he'd bought quite some time back that had recently been finished being built to the point it was inhabitable. The new circumstances were pretty nice in the beginning, I had considerably more comfort to allow me to pursue Kimi with all of my efforts every day, and I put a lot of effort into that, while also working here and there on game development and also website development.
Although I'd work on other things sometimes, I found that I'd pretty quickly started thinking about Kimi a lot after starting to talk to her, especially after I met her in person. I actually pretty quickly started making her basically the focal point of my life and not so much that I would necessarily shower her with attention and affection, at least not for a good part of the beginning of our relationship, but I would think about her almost all the time and I'd think about how I should interact with her and how I could get closer to her. I'd dream about getting to date her in the future and think about my ideal future prospects with her in my life.
My brother was in a better position than he'd been when he first left my father's house as well. He'd been writing a book and had finished and sold several copies of it, and had saved up some money. He was still pretty lost in his life as far as future goals and prospects go, which would result in my father continuing to nag him, but I'd just stay out of it and it didn't really become a problem for me.
Although my father was more respectful to me at first, as time passed, he gradually but after not very long started being disrespectful towards my work once again.
Although I was spending a lot of time pursuing Kimi, I was still making progress on my game development as well, but my father didn't even care to look and simply found it as not enough. He started to disregard the significance of my position as Permanent Chief of the Shadow Confederation more and more. Before very long, he started full-on criticizing me for not having formal employment and demanding that I start paying for my own food, telling me that if I wasn't going to work a formal job then I wasn't allowed to eat any of the food in the house. He didn't state any consequences for doing so, but if I simply ignored his demand, he'd come home from work and be abusively starting fights over it every single day.
He started stressing me out with his abusive disrespect far too much for me to find it viable to remain in that environment.
I gave it a few days at first when my father would fight with me over me eating the food at home, to see if he'd see reason and stop. I kept reminding him the reason I was there in the first place, and that I was very clearly working towards tangible goals to start making money in the future, even though I didn't yet have a consistent revenue stream. I decided that instead of leaving outright, since the whole point was that I was giving him a chance, I'd make sure I was truly giving him the best chance I could before finalizing my position and deciding never to look back.
After about a week passed and I saw he was still fighting with me literally daily and he had no intent to see reason, I decided I had to leave again and do whatever it took to make something of myself without any proper help from my father. He'd literally complain to me that even if I ended up great, it was only "on his shoulders" instead of all by myself with no help whatsoever, clearly very upset that I ever expected to deserve even that much from him. He seemed to want to make it very clear to me that he had no intention to ever be a good, kind, loving, helpful father to me, so I decided I'd give him what he wanted and let him firmly establish his place in my life as an abusive piece of shit psychopath.
I decided I was going to be homeless again this time. I had been homeless before, so I was more prepared and I didn't pack three huge bags for myself. I took a few days to sort through all my belongings and really pick only more important things. I wasn't feeling terrified for my life like the previous time, so I took a little longer than the previous time, but within less than a week I was ready to leave. I told my brother about it the day before I decided to do it; we smoked some weed and talked it over a little but he understood why I was doing it.
I explained to him that it was what I had to do because I wasn't being respected. I had to be able to eat my food in peace and I didn't want to deal with the constant fights that hindered at my ability to do what I needed to do every day. At that point, I was both working through my relationship with Kimi as well as my game development endeavors that I still hadn't fully put on hold for Kimi yet, so the added stress from fighting stupid fights I should've never had to go through was simply too much.
I woke up the following morning ready to leave. I was the only one home because my father went to work and my brother was gone downtown. As I went downstairs to eat some food before I left, I noticed a note on the door. I went up to it and read it. My father had basically left a note saying that he loved me and it was my decision if I wanted to leave; it looked like my brother had informed him I was intending to leave, even though I told him not to.
I knew it was a complete lie and he certainly didn't act in any way truly congruent with his claim; I was originally planning to simply pick up my bags and leave, but reading that message made me genuinely upset that he was now trying to even manipulate me into sticking around so he could keep being abusive. I decided I was going to do some damage and fuck the inside of the house up before I left.
I spent a good while doing so. Threw all kinds of picture frames around and smashed them to pieces, destroyed the TV, took all the eggs in the fridge and threw them all over the walls of the house, literally took everything in the fridge and freezer and opened it and threw it around the house. I even took body wash and spilled it all across the floor. At the end, I wrote a nice "fuck you" message right on the wall near the entrance, opened my father's laptop and started playing NF's "Green Lights" on loop, took a video of all the chaos that I still have to this day, picked up my bags and left. I closed the door behind me but left it unlocked as I'd intentionally left my key inside; I wanted him to know I was never coming back.
My brother later informed me that my father wasn't pressing charges.
"That's right," I told him, "That bastard better not think of causing me any more problems if he doesn't want problems with the Shadow Confederation."
I also learned that his insurance actually allowed him to get a new TV and fix up his house, and in the end, he basically ended up in a better position than if I hadn't trashed the place. Interesting how that worked out so well for him; it almost looks like he'd thought about it long ahead of time and intended for it to happen, doesn't it?
Thus began my journey being homeless once again.
I went from place to place a few times before I decided to settle on being homeless as my intentional lifestyle. I initially ended up homeless for about a week. I mostly hung around a library and simply didn't shower or eat. I focused on finding a place and managed to get one; I stayed there for a few months.
Initially, I was thinking of continuing to work on game development, but I'd been reflecting a lot during that week of homelessness and I quickly realized that Kimi meant so much to me that my game development endeavors felt futile without her in my life. I stuck around that place for a few months, but as my connection with Kimi progressed, my caring for anything else in life diminished. I reached the point where I was so upset at her mixed signals that I decided I was going to fly to LA to meet Ice Poseidon and stream snipe him (I'd learned his address from a member of his Discord server) and it seemed like perfect timing since my lease was running out anyways.
My lease ran out and I was back on the streets as I was finalizing my plan to visit LA on my mission to stream snipe Ice and expose Kimi's connection with me. It was quite an experience. After I got back, I decided to try getting a place one more time for a while to see how my connection with Kimi would further develop. It was during this time that I wrote The International Ultimatum. After I saw that it wasn't sufficient to get the kind of response from Kimi I wanted, I decided to give up on having a place entirely and simply resign myself to being homeless to allow myself to really start preparing for the isolation that was starting to seem more and more certain already would end up happening at the end of the year.
I adapted my habits and behavior to suit my environment and found the right places for internet, electricity, showering, washing my clothes, and sleeping. After having experienced being homeless multiple times in the past already, I was travelling with just the right amount of things I needed to maintain a decent enough appearance and also function to keep up with progressing my connection with Kimi and figuring out what I was going to do with my time while I waited. I reflected deeply on my life very intensely once more and came up with the idea to write this book.
As I wrote this book more and more, I remembered back to the final contact I had with my brother, where he'd told me my father was offering to give me money, to which I'd shot him down. I realized that in order to have a fully comprehensive view of the kind of person my father really was and be able to be honest about it, I needed to contact him once more to confirm his real intentions in having done so. I contacted my father once again about the time he offered to give me money. I told him about the book I was writing and told him that if he was willing to give me money, I could use it for both food as well as funding to publish paper copies of my book that I was planning to give away before I went into isolation.
He gave me some bullshit about not having any to give and living solely off pension, although I knew that his mortgage was paid off and he'd sold his business building for over $300,000 which must've been sitting in his bank account. He still denied having any money to spare. I told him he should show me a bank statement for all his accounts to prove it then, to which he obviously immediately declined without even thinking about it. I told him he hadn't changed and I knew he was full of shit, but thanked him for proving it so I could write it in my book, and told him never to call me or try to talk to me ever again. I hung up. I never talked to him again and have absolutely no desire to.
Because of all the trauma I suffered throughout my life, I subconsciously fundamentally believed that logic was the only way to remain grounded and in tune with the reality around you, however at the same time emotionally felt unsettled that it might never be enough.
This, I have come to realize, was largely a result of all my past experiences where no matter how rational I had been with my parents, they always found some emotionally abusive way to traumatize me further, fundamentally strengthening the subconscious belief I had ended up forming that despite logic being the best way to align yourself with reality in an unbounded fashion, it still had some form of inconceivable bound that nobody could ever overcome.
This living in perpetual fear of existence became my reality and my identity. Upon understanding this, I felt liberated from that fundamental, subconsciously rooted fear. One may attempt to argue that I should be grateful my parents were so abusive, since it led to me having a much greater mental fortitude and emotional resilience, however they couldn't have been treating me the way that they did while knowing that I could and would overcome it, and I would've ended up in a much worse situation, probably either dead or close to it already by now, had I not managed to somehow just barely hang on to hope that things would eventually change for me and have the strength and willpower to see that hope through consistently.
Even still, that hope has become only more of a curse in and of itself, as even as I'm writing this book, I'm finding it harder every day to see any good reason to remain hopeful for any positive outcome in my life.
Nowadays, my friends are my family. The fact that I don't seem to have any real friends either makes it very clear to me that if things are as they seem, nothing would bring me greater satisfaction than extending the undying pure hatred I have in my heart towards my biological family onto the entirety of humanity and single-handedly destroying the entire world as a result.
One must understand pure love in order to understand pure hatred. It's only through being immensely loving and having your heart and soul crushed and being left devastated that you can truly understand the value of having deep hatred in your heart and soul as well. After everything I've been through and all the love I've constantly tried to give, all I've ended up getting is pure hatred.
I never had any room to feel safe, comfortable, calm, or happy at all. Every time, I had to try so hard to always keep my composure and be far more rational than others were being, just so I could retain any sense of self-esteem and sanity. To make things even worse, if I've ever tried to share my pain, most people seem to automatically take bias towards my parents even without having any clue how they are like and have tried to tell me that basically I'm just a bitch and don't appreciate what they did for me. Yeah, I won't ever appreciate how abusive my own fucking biological family of all people were constantly, that's for fucking sure. I won't ever appreciate how ignorant and dismissive most people I tried to talk to about it were either.
Before getting into my experiences with sex and love, I suppose it's best to start with my experiences with lust.
Some women I lusted after and got nothing from. Others I didn't even lust after and got some things from.
I'll stick to mentioning the women I lusted after.
Since I had an extremely tunnel-vision focus on my career and professional prospects shortly after graduating from high school, I almost never went out or interacted with women because I was far too busy spending literally all my waking time working on my professional goals. As such, other than the one girl that I lusted after in elementary school (some may call her my "first love"), these girls are from my high school experience.
I guess I'll start with the girl I liked in elementary. Her name was Kathy.
Looking at her now, Kathy's completely nothing special. She's cute, sure. She's certainly not ugly, I can say that much. But would I say she's particularly attractive? Not even remotely. She's about as average as it gets, both in appearance and personality. From my current perspective, I have no clue what the young me was thinking absolutely obsessing over this girl for four whole years nonstop.
When I try to explain it, the only real reason I can think of was that I was very young and had hardly seen much of the world. I hadn't seen many attractive women in my life, and there was certainly a distinct lack of women I found even remotely attractive at my elementary school. Of all the girls in my grade, I thought maybe about three or four were interesting. That's pretty terrible, considering that I also thought three of the female teachers were attractive. You can tell there's going to be problems when you have the same amount of females you find attractive around your age in your environment as you find females three times your age in your environment attractive.
Basically, what I'm trying to get at is that my options were all pretty bad, so even though this girl is something I clearly don't see as anything special now, back then, she was amazing.
It's really strange the more I think about it though. When I look back at it now, there was another girl who I gave close to no attention to, but who I'd say is far more attractive looking at things now, both physically and mentally. Between Kathy and that girl, they were both part of the "popular" kids too, so even the foolish notion of social status we encounter in elementary school wasn't a driving force in me becoming so obsessed with Kathy.
This other girl was actually so arousing that I remember there was a solid week where I randomly stopped touching myself to Kathy, and instead suddenly felt extremely aroused by this other girl and touched myself to her even more intensely. Even back then, upon taking a moment to think about her attractiveness, I came to find her more voluptuous and physically attractive, and also noticed that her personality was cuter, sexier, more exciting, and, even with my limited capacity at the time to gauge it, more compatible with my personality. I felt so turned on by her that she was the reason that for the first time, I was so turned on as I lied in my bed with my dick hard thinking about her that I couldn't even care about grabbing a tissue to shoot my load into after I came, and opted to just touch myself under my pants and let the load shoot out into my underwear.
I didn't think much about it throughout elementary and high school, but I did end up reflecting on it a decent amount afterwards, realizing just how confusing it truly was to me that I never actually pursued this other girl. The only plausible explanation I have for it is that once I initially spilled it to a couple "cool" kids that I liked Kathy, and they proceeded to spread it to the rest of the entire grade even though they told me they wouldn't, I felt like I had to stay committed. It's indeed an extremely stupid reason, especially since Kathy was very clearly never into me in the slightest, but I was considerably socially inept as an elementary school kid.
I ended up doing several things that made a fool out of myself. I handed her flowers and it was really awkward. I told her I loved her and it was really awkward. I asked her to flash me because I was peer pressured into it, to which she initially pretended to be angry and stormed off, then later came back and said she was just messing around. It was awkward. The whole thing was ridiculously stupid and pathetic, but the young me was extremely foolish and naive and desperately thought I may have had a chance with her.
She made an attempt to reach out to me as a friend once. It was really awkward. I was aimlessly pacing in a corner of the field, and she didn't even have the courage to approach me alone, she had to come with a friend. Well, it was either that, or her friend was there to confirm that she actually followed through with it, and to report back to the "cool" kids what my reaction was.
Anyways, I was instantly paranoid that it was some kind of trap to make me look foolish, and I had a notion that I was one of the awkward losers and Kathy was one of the "cool" kids, so there's no possible way we could actually be friends. Looking at it now, it's pretty crazy that I was that aware of boundaries and social cues to know that me and her were practically from different worlds, and yet I still so hopelessly obsessed over her and kept believing somehow there was some hope I'd get her one day.
Well, unsurprisingly, grade 4 through 8 passed and elementary school finished, and I hadn't actually gotten anywhere with her. Surprisingly, I wasn't nearly as crushed as I thought I'd be. Summer started, and I just did my thing on the computer. All I remember is I'm not sure exactly when or exactly why, but at some point, I told myself I'd make sure high school was different. I wouldn't let myself be socially retarded, and I wouldn't obsess over any girls I had no chance with and make an idiot and clown out of myself constantly. I had that thought process going through my head, and as summer ended, high school began.
And was it different.
The very first day, I didn't make any friends. I went to my classes, the day ended, and I went home. No big deal, I thought, obviously I won't make friends right away. But I didn't expect to end up making them as fast as I did.
The second day, I went to my classes again. Didn't really talk to anyone again. At the time, I took the bus home, and as I was walking to the bus stop, I told myself the same thing I'd told myself the first day.
It just so happened that some guy I saw in the halls at one point was walking home, walking towards the bus stop I was waiting at. I wasn't sure if he was going to take the bus or keep walking, but for some unknown reason, I decided to strike up a conversation with him in the strangest way I'd ever done so in my life that I'd never done before. I randomly asked him if I'd seen him before.
I don't remember how the conversation progressed from there, but long story short, he was warmly receptive to my awkward opener, and just like that, suddenly we were friends. He told me he'd introduce me to his other friends he had already made and hung out with after school, the next day.
The next day came, and man was I happy to be introduced to that guy's friends. The first person I was introduced to was a girl I thought was considerably attractive. The first girl I met and became friends with in high school, and it was already a girl way hotter than Kathy. On top of that, this girl actually seemed into me, something I'd never felt from Kathy at all. I already started to feel good about this whole high school experience. There was also another girl in the group of a few friends I was introduced to, and she was the one I'd consider the prettiest of this group, which I'd soon learn had even a few other girls in it, but she was more timid than the first girl, and she seemed not to be very interested in getting to know me, so I took it easy with talking to her.
Those girls were pretty and all, and I did indeed lust after them for quite some time in the end, but I never really chased them, nor was my lust ever extremely intense; I just thought they were among the most attractive girls in the school, I was happy to be friends with them, and that was about as far as that went for the most part. The one girl who showed interest in me did end up letting me feel up her breasts and butt a few times as I got closer to her throughout the years we'd hang out after school almost every single day, but we never ended up dating nor doing anything really sexual.
The real subject of my extreme lust from high school was another girl whom I got introduced to and became friends with later, several months after grade 9 had already started, by the time it was already second semester.
I had some friends already at this point, but I figured it always couldn't hurt to make new ones. Additionally, I still didn't have any friends that were more hardcore into computers and gaming as I was at that point, so I was still looking for such a friend. English class came around, and pretty quickly, I found a guy that seemed to fit the position. I sat beside a dude that knew that guy, and he very briefly introduced us. We wasted no time starting to talk about computers and games, and the conversation pretty much instantly started going well. We became friends just like that.
The reason I mention that guy in this chapter is because he ended up being the reason that the woman I found by far the most attractive in the entire high school ended up making her presence known to me and becoming a part of that friend group I had with that guy, and therefore one of my friends. It happened because she was in love with him. She wanted to date him. She became kind of obsessed with him, and out of nowhere suddenly started just hanging out with us all the time and trying hard to fit in and be accepted. I was never really much of an anime watcher, but this girl and my friend that she was in love with were both heavily into it, and combined with the fact that my friend didn't have many female friends so he enjoyed the attention, the girl fit in and became friends with the group pretty quickly and easily.
Her and I were decently good friends at first. For at least about a year, we seemed to get along well enough. We were even close enough that she invited me to one of her birthday parties and everything went just fine. Our interactions weren't at all flirty or sexual in any nature really, and I'm actually quite certain she never for one moment suspected during that time that I found her to be by far the most attractive girl in the whole school.
To be completely honest, my desires for her weren't that strong initially. Somehow, I actually didn't find her very attractive at all in the very beginning. It wasn't that I thought she was ugly, I simply thought she was just a friend and nothing special physically. She was literally just another one of my several female friends that I had all throughout high school. After about a year though, I happened to actually take a good look at her butt one day, and I suddenly realized it was very nice. In fact, once I actually paid some attention to it, I realized it was easily by far the best butt on any girl in the whole school. Although I still found her face and breasts nothing special at that point and was only focused on how sexy her butt was, I've always been a butt person, and her having the best butt instantly made her extremely attractive to me.
She still somehow didn't manage to immediately make it to the top of my list on most attractive girls in the school at that point, I really don't know how. It was like her butt was so nice that after not even noticing it for so long, it didn't quite sink in right away just how sexy it really was to me. Slowly though, I got more and more aroused by it as I sneaked glances at it more and more frequently. Eventually, I realized I was extremely attracted to it, and she finally made it to the top of my list of most attractive women in the school. I wasn't sure how to communicate my feelings to her clearly, and I wasn't sure if she'd be positively receptive to it, so I was scared. She was a considerably close part of that friend group I had by that point, so I knew it'd be awkward if I just told her my feelings.
For some reason, perhaps because I had such a lack of love in my life from my family, I went through a phase in high school of simply randomly joking around and randomly telling several people that I was friends with, both girls and boys, that I loved them. If they looked weirded out, as they pretty much always did, I tried to clarify and said it was lighthearted and I didn't mean it in a sexual way, to which they usually pretty quickly chilled out. I was always more of a charismatic and outgoing personality in general, and I had a reputation and was literally the most popular kid in the school, so for the most part people were pretty chill about it. Usually, people would respond with something to the effect of "oh yeah, I love you too, as a friend of course". Sometimes, when I'd say it to the more carefree friends I had, they'd mess around and flirt with me and tell me they love me too and send a sexual kinda expression my way; even some guys would do that.
Of course, there were some that took it a little too seriously, especially the first time I said it, and they'd say something to the effect of "the feeling's not mutual"; usually this was guys that didn't know me as well and thought I was making some kind of sexual move on them. They'd still laugh and just look visibly a little uncomfortable, and even in those cases, I'd clarify and say I didn't mean it sexually, and they'd chill out. But nobody reacted the way to me messing around and telling them I loved them like Chloe did. I tried saying it to her on a few different occasions, and every time she responded by smiling, giggling, and literally saying, "I hate you" with a grin still on her face.
The first time she did it, I thought she was just trying to get creative with me because she'd seen me do it to other people and wanted to see how I'd react to her saying something nobody else had ever said, but after I responded with "I still love you anyways" and laughed it off casually the first time she said it, she still did exactly the same thing in subsequent times I told her I love her.
I really wasn't sure how to react to this. We were friends, yet she was giving me the most blatantly cruel response possible, and she wasn't even a dude that I could understand might just be really bothered by mistakenly thinking that I was gay and actually sexually attracted to him. I saw only two possibilities: she either secretly was in love with me or at least found me appealing and was looking for me to actually flirt with her and chase a relationship with her and wanted to try to express it to me as best she could that way, or that she actually really disliked me and wished I'd stop talking to her entirely and leave her and that friend group alone entirely.
I was hurt and offended. As far as being interested in me and secretly trying to show it to me went, she had already stopped chasing my friend that she had initially been in love with, and was now actively chasing his best friend. It seemed far too strange of a way to express wanting me to actually flirt with her and start chasing a relationship with her, so I saw the only other possibility being that she actually hated me and wanted me to go away. About the third or fourth time I told her I loved her and she once again smiled, giggled, and literally responded with the exact words "I hate you", I had enough. What instantly went through my head was, "Okay, you hate me? So you definitely don't want to ever talk to me again then. Fine. Fuck you too. I'm going to just start flat-out ignoring you from now on. You can have what you want."
That was at the end of the day after school, and after I made that decision, I simply picked up my backpack to leave and started walking away to head outside and start walking to my bus stop to take the bus home. I don't remember exactly for what, but as I was leaving, Chloe tried to talk to me, calling out to me more than once as I was walking away. I was entirely unresponsive and just kept walking.
That was the beginning of me ignoring her. For several months after that, I didn't say one word to her. It definitely made things kinda awkward with me in that friend group, because they all were actively aware that I was ignoring Chloe. She stopped trying to talk to me pretty quickly after she realized what I was doing. As time went by, her butt turned me on more and more. By grade 12, I was already thinking about it and touching myself to it every single day. I'd sneak glances at it every chance I had, which was quite often given that she was part of the friend group I hung out with the most.
I'm not sure what she told people, but I'm quite certain she was dishonest about the full truth, both to others and even herself.
After March Break in grade 12, high school was approaching its last few months, and my arousal for Chloe's butt was so high that I knew I absolutely wouldn't be able to forgive myself if I didn't somehow break the silence and make it very clear to her that I found her butt extremely arousing. Obviously, I couldn't just blurt it out in front of all of my other friends, so I knew I had to get her alone and talk to her that way.
One day, right after March Break, I caught her in the halls after a class and as she was entering a spare period. I just casually approached her and asked her if we could talk, alone. She was surprisingly quite calm, understandably surprised, but overall quite pleasant and very easily agreed without even questioning my intent at all and went to a secluded staircase area to be alone with me.
When we were finally alone, I was so turned on and thrilled to finally be alone with Chloe and able to talk to her after so long, especially knowing what I was going to say to her, that I literally couldn't stop giggling for a good while at first. She smiled and asked me in a very gentle and friendly way why I was laughing. I just told her I need a moment and just need her to wait for me to calm down a little, to which she kindly obliged. After I finally calmed down enough to stop giggling, I finally looked her in the eyes and got out what I got her alone to say.
"Can I squeeze your ass?" I said with a smile still on my face and about to start giggling again.
I was so nervous and really scared of what would happen next. I'd went through this situation in my head for hours and hours throughout several days while I'd been contemplating actually getting the courage to do it.
I expected one of two things to happen.
The first possibility I'd gone through in my head was the one I fantasized about: that she was going to smile, tell me something to the effect of "Wow! That's so sweet/sexy! You were ignoring me this whole time, but you were secretly so turned on by my ass this whole time that you now can't resist to ask me if you can touch it? As long as you realize this doesn't suddenly mean we're dating, sure! Why not?"
Maybe, if I was extremely lucky, she might even ask me if I'd like to start dating since we were both single and I must clearly find her quite attractive to be asking, since I'd never done anything like that to anyone ever before, and she found it considerably attractive that I felt that way towards her despite having ignored her for so long. Then, she'd turn around so her butt was facing my direction, turn her head over her shoulder to look at me, and then tell me something to the effect of "Go right ahead, enjoy yourself," with a smile still on her face. My response to which would be to thank her for her kindness and proceed to feel her ass up thoroughly, get a boner, and then ask her if she wanted to help me with it or if I should go take care of it myself in the washroom.
That possibility turned me on so much I knew I had to try doing this, even as unlikely as I knew it was to end up that way.
The other possibility, the one I thought was pretty much certain to happen, was she'd look at me with an expression of sheer disgust, extremely creeped out, and basically say something to the effect of "What the fuck? Hell no you can't squeeze my ass! You ignore me for so long, and now the first thing you have to say to me after all this time is that you want to grab my ass?! Get away from me, you creep!"
My response to that would be to apologize profusely, tell her I meant no offense and that I'd leave her alone and never ask again, and to leave the situation as quickly as possible. Then probably touch myself in the washroom anyways because I'd be so relieved that at least she finally knew how I felt and at least I tried.
What actually happened, and caught me completely off guard, was neither of those things.
She smiled, giggled, and with a smile still on her face, tenderly asked me simply, "Why?"
I was going crazy. My mind was racing. I was completely caught off guard. "Why? What do you mean why?! Why would anyone ever ask you to squeeze your ass?! I think it's extremely sexy to the point I can't help but take a desperate shot in the dark and ask you if I can squeeze it against all odds because that's just how much it turns me on, obviously! How can you stand there smiling, giggling, and simply ask me why as if there would ever be more than one reason for me to ask?!" is what I was thinking. I was a really anxious nervous wreck back then, so I was very poorly emotionally equipped to handle the situation, which still makes me feel really bad to this day.
"Because I think it's really nice and I wanna touch it. Please?" I blurted out like an idiot.
She giggled again, then simply said, "No," with a smile still on her face.
This made me feel even more crazy. "No?! What do you mean no?! You must know you turn me on a lot, yet you ask me why I wanna touch your ass, and then when I openly admit to you that I find you very attractive and am simply so turned on by you that I just can't help but want to touch it, you simply deny me with a giggle and a smile on your face?! What the fuck is even going on?! How am I supposed to react to this?!" was all that went through my head. I was extremely disappointed that I got rejected, and in such a teasing way at that.
"Come on, are you sure?" I tried one last time, already feeling defeated.
"I'm sure. You can't," she responded calmly.
"Has anyone ever asked to touch your butt before?" I asked out of genuine curiosity. I thought her butt was incredible, the best I'd ever seen, so I figured she must've.
"No, you're the first," she replied, a smile still on her face.
"Really? No way. Herman never asked?" I said in surprise. Herman was her ex-boyfriend, the only relationship she'd had throughout all of high school as far as I was aware, and he'd broken up with her after about a month or two.
"Nope, never," she had no hesitation to respond with. She seemed a little disappointed about it and her smile started to fade.
"Wow. I don't know why he didn't; I would've, your butt is really nice," I told her. I wish I'd told her it was the best I'd ever seen, which was true at that point and remained true for several years, up until I saw Kimi's. Chloe's butt remains the second best I've ever seen.
She looked me in the eyes silently for a little while. She had a big smile once again. The situation was feeling weirder by the moment.
"Well, I think you're pretty hot in general. Would you ever date me?" I felt the need to ask. I'd wanted to date her for so long and I figured I might as well take the opportunity to ask at that point.
"No, I'm only into Asians," she responded, still smiling.
"Okay... Can I at least have a hug?" I said as I tried to figure out what the situation even meant.
"No. Anything else?" she responded, giggling a little after.
"Okay... No, nothing," I said, feeling very confused and upset at the interaction.
"Okay..." she said calmly, seeming confused but pleased. A big smile remained on her face.
I opened a door to leave the staircase area and held it open for her to walk through. There were a few doors she could've used and I expected her to open a door for herself and use that one instead, but to my surprise, she moved from where she'd been standing and headed through the door I was holding, without any hesitation but also calmly and not seeming particularly uncomfortable nor in a rush to get away from me.
After she passed the doorway, she calmly glanced back to look at me, I'm assuming to catch me looking at her butt as she must've been quite certain I was going to do. Naturally, she wasn't wrong. I was looking, and I already knew I needed to go to the washroom and relieve myself after that interaction and view she was so calmly giving me.
When I saw her glancing back watching me looking at her butt, I was even more confused and upset. Why did she want confirmation I was looking at her butt after that interaction when she already must've known I'd look and she should be creeped out and want to get away from me as fast as possible instead of basking in my arousal for her? The mixed signals were strong as fuck.
At this point, she'd just passed the doorway and her butt had hardly even been in my view for very long to begin with. She was very curious for someone who should've been creeped out and want me to leave her alone. I had no reason to stay in that area myself, so I went through the door as well. We were only about a meter away from each other, but after I saw her glancing back like that, I was so confused at her desires and so turned on by her wanting to know I was looking and being so calm about it that I felt like I was going crazy.
As she kept watching me, I quickly turned my gaze from her face back to her butt, took a couple steps forward quickly, and tried to grab her butt. The material of the pants she was wearing didn't have good grip at all, and when combined with how big her butt was and the fact she was walking, my grip slipped as I tried to squeeze and my hand barely made contact with one of her butt cheeks for half a second.
Still looking at me, she jerked her body away and stopped for a moment. We looked each other in the eyes.
"Sorry... I thought..." I let my voice trail off. It was useless. I felt like a massive creep. I resented the whole situation. I started walking away.
She was a lot calmer than I thought she'd be. She didn't look angry, scared, or creeped out at all. She started walking beside me. "It's okay," was all she said.
The whole situation felt extremely strange to me. I felt really guilty for what I'd done, even though I knew why I'd done it. I figured I should apologize again or something, but I wasn't sure exactly what to say or do at that point.
I slowed down a little and let her lead the way, but we were still walking pretty much side by side. We walked down a couple hallways together and entered the cafeteria. We sat at the edge of one of the tables, facing each other. She started looking me in the eyes and opening up to me about her personal issues. She talked to me about how she didn't feel loved in her family and that she was really upset her parents favored her little brother over her because he was male and they gave him so much freedom even as a child while she felt suffocated by their restrictions on her.
It was the most fucked up I'd ever felt in my entire life. I was feeling so many things. Angry at myself for being so pathetic and stupid. Angry at her for leading me on and giving me so many mixed signals. Sad I didn't get to actually feel her up. Confused about what was even going on. Horny from the view of her butt and the experience I'd just had and wanted to jerk off to her badly. I really wanted to stare at her breasts while she talked because they were quite nice too, but I somehow managed to control myself and keep eye contact as she just kept calmly talking to me for reasons beyond my comprehension. I listened in silence.
As the period ended and she had to go to class, I apologized once again for what I'd done. The whole situation felt so fucked up that I was already wishing I could forget about it and all the arousal I had for Chloe. I felt so much guilt and I was really sad she'd never return feelings that I was feeling so intensely. I figured that I'd at least somewhat made up for the discomfort I would've made her feel by letting her basically vent to me about personal shit. She seemed okay and wasn't in any particular rush to leave me alone, but we had different classes to go to so we both got up at the same time and left the cafeteria.
I had to touch myself a lot that night.
The next day, I learned Chloe had went and blabbed to at least a few people in the mutual friend group we had that I'd hang out with nearly every day. As I approached our usual end of the hallway area after school to hang out, one of my friends approached me.
"Did you ask to grab Chloe's ass?" he asked me with a smile, giggling a little in disbelief.
"Huh? No. If I wanted to touch it, I'd just do it," I said and let out a little laugh.
I felt bad about lying to a good friend of mine, but I didn't see any option. It was a lose-lose situation. I felt extremely upset that Chloe had went and blabbed about it to other people. Given that she told me she was only into Asians, she told me she'd never like me, so it seemed quite obvious nothing good could come of admitting it. It came off like she was trying to ruin my reputation and get attention.
I figured I'd tried my best to make it better by apologizing more than once and letting her vent and then leaving her alone. I didn't want to ruin my reputation nor seem obsessed and as if I thought it was acceptable behavior to have tried touching her butt anyways in an inevitable more detailed breakdown of events that would have to follow an admittance.
He seemed to believe me quite easily. He didn't press me any further.
The next day, I by chance caught Chloe alone in the hall on her way to a class. I decided to take the opportunity to try to clear the air a little with her. I approached her.
"Hey, sorry to bother you, can I talk to you for a minute?"
"I'm going to class. What is it?" she responded as she kept walking.
"Look. I'm sorry about the other day. I won't do it again. If you don't like me, I won't bother you about it. Can you just not go around blabbing to everyone?" I said as I kept up with her pace. I knew she had to get to class quickly so I didn't have much time. I didn't need it anyways.
"Fine," she responded.
"Thanks," I said as I started to turn around and walk away.
Not that it really mattered. She'd already blabbed. Rumors were going around. The damage was done. I was pissed, but there was nothing I could do. I was the most popular kid in the entire school and people started rumors about me several times about things that were actually completely false. I'd been confronted about those things by several people on different occasions and denied them and explained the truth behind whatever it was if there was any truth to it at all.
I didn't ever get confronted by anyone else about my interaction with Chloe.
I'm not sure what she told people, but I'm quite certain she lied.
After school one day when she was hanging out in our friend group like she did sometimes, I decided to take the opportunity to ask her if we could talk alone for a while before she left to go home for the day. She seemed quite curious and immediately accepted, eager to start walking alone with me. We made our way to an empty hallway with a staircase in a corner of the school.
Not wanting to repeat the same mistake I made with Chloe, I first told her I thought she was very attractive. She smiled, thanked me and seemed flattered and a little shy. I then casually but gently told her I thought she had a really nice butt and asked her if she was willing to stand in front of me or bend over and let me take a good look at it because I really wanted to. With a smile still on her face, she responded that she was completely fine with me looking at it as much as I wanted when she was around or if I saw her in the halls, but she didn't feel like standing right in front of me or intentionally bending over in front of me or anything.
I thought she too would look at me disgusted and call me a pervert, seeming uncomfortable and telling me to leave her alone and never make such a request again, but her reaction was nothing like that. She didn't seem disgusted or even bothered at all by my quite explicitly sexual request, and it felt quite clearly to me like she wanted to do it but she just felt too shy to admit it and go for it.
After I asked her if she was sure I couldn't even get a little bit of a better view, she verbally said no, but she was still being quite receptive to the conversation and my presence and didn't seem uncomfortable nor disgusted by my desires and advances at all as I was very obviously staring at her breasts and thighs. I told her it was okay and I asked her if I could walk with her for a while on her way home, to which she was okay with. I told her I'd follow closely behind her because the view was better; once again she didn't have a problem with this.
After walking that way for probably not even ten seconds, I casually asked her if touching her butt was something she was more open to letting me do and reached over and grabbed it. After a second, she said no verbally, but still didn't seem actually disgusted nor uncomfortable at all. She didn't try to move away like Chloe did. She didn't even try to get me to take my hand off. She just said no but let me keep my hand on her butt, gently squeezing one of her butt cheeks. After a couple squeezes, I said fine, apologized, and let go. She said it was okay. I looked at her and we smiled at each other.
Less than a minute later, I did it again and she had the same reaction. This time I didn't apologize afterwards. By the time I walked with her for only a few minutes, I'd grabbed her butt seven times with her giving the same reaction. Yes, she let me grab her butt and caress it seven times, putting up no real resistance whatsoever on every occasion and seeming to have enjoyed it. As I let go of her butt for the seventh time and we approached a parking lot across the field, before she turned the corner, she thanked me for walking with her and told me her parents were waiting and it was probably best they didn't see, to which I agreed. She headed to the parking lot and I headed back to the school.
After that, I felt like she was actually super into me but really shy to admit it and didn't want to come off too easy, which is why I later tried to grab her breasts, thinking she just wanted me to express my desires for her more openly so she'd finally feel comfortable admitting them and starting to date me. After all, it seemed like a pretty good bet to me that you don't just let someone feel your butt up seven times within a few minutes only playfully seeming not to enjoy it, unless you actually really liked the person.
The following day, I took an opportunity where she wasn't doing much and just hanging around to approach her.
"Hey," I said as I approached her from behind. I wrapped my arms around her and gently squeezed her breasts.
She was silent.
For a moment, I wasn't sure what was happening, then things started feeling weird and I let go. It was really weird. She looked me in the eyes for a very short while and blinked a couple times, then looked away and just pretended it never happened. I was left even more confused, and I once again felt very guilty.
I definitely wouldn't have done that if she hadn't been so receptive to me feeling her butt up. I don't know or care why she acted that way, all I know is I'm long over her and just never want to have anything to do with her ever again.
Looking back on it now, I definitely could've approached things a lot better than I did. I was just a nervous mess from abuse at home, and that intense anxiety was combined with the intense stress of my depression and gender dysphoria, combined further with the extreme frustration and confusion from the mixed signals I'd got from Chloe, I simply wasn't able to even think very clearly.
I don't remember exactly, but within a few days after that, I was called into the principal's office. He told me Chloe had told him about the incident where I'd asked to touch her butt. I admitted to it and said I felt bad and wouldn't repeat it. He asked me if I'd apologized to her, and I told him that I had already done so more than once, shortly after I'd done it. It was the truth.
He asked me if I'd done such a thing to anyone else. Gina popped in my head. Given that Gina had actually let me touch her several times and seemed quite okay with it, I supposed he wasn't talking about something like that, and more along the lines of someone who'd shown more intense distaste for it like Chloe had. I hadn't, so I said no. The principal told me not to repeat my actions, but that he'd let me off with a warning because I was generally a good student and didn't get into trouble.
Once again, I don't remember exactly, but within a few days following that, I was called into the principal's office again. He told me that he'd been informed about me touching Gina too, and he now had to inform the police and I'd have to deal with them. Additionally, I was given a week's suspension and told to go home.
It was a mess. I had to go to court and deal with a preliminary hearing for sexual assault charges. I had to deal with the police. I had to go to the station, they took my fingerprints, threw me in a jail cell for a few hours, and I had to wait to see what would happen. I got interrogated. I learned that Gina hadn't told the truth and that she'd said I only touched her butt once. I assume Chloe also lied about exactly what happened in my interaction with her as well.
I didn't bother denying things and I didn't even want to try explaining myself. I didn't care. I didn't feel good about what I'd done, nor did I have any intention to mess with these girls any further; I just wanted it all behind me and I knew I hadn't done anything severe. I accepted what I'd done was wrong, told the officers I'd already apologized to both girls, which was true, and told them it was a lapse in judgement and I wouldn't do it again. They said they'd put in a word for me to the judge.
The charges ended up being dropped and I was basically let off with a warning.
After that experience, I swore to myself some things:
Before the school year ended, Chloe ended up posting a picture on her Facebook, the first ever like it, with a completely clear view of her butt. It was right around my birthday too, as if it was a birthday present to me. It was seemingly totally random with no other possible reason I could think of as to why she did it. I can't imagine why she posted it if not to taunt me. She's standing upright in tight white jeans with her butt front and center of the picture, her head turned to look at the camera as if to be watching you knowing that you're staring at her butt and getting turned on.
Not only that, but at one point afterwards, while she was sitting beside Herman, only being friends with them as they'd broken up, she got up, turned around to face her back to me as I was sitting directly opposite from him in the hallway, and bent all the way right over to look at his laptop screen upside down, as opposed to simply sitting beside him and looking at it from the side as she had been for quite some time already. This resulted in her sticking her extremely voluptuous butt, that she knew I considered as such, pretty much right in my face. It was literally less than two meters away.
I never said a word to her for the remainder of high school.
She was an interesting learning experience.
She was the one that started talking to me. She told me about and even showed me about her habits of sending dirty messages and even having webcam sex. I told her pretty early on that I thought she had a really nice butt and I wanted to touch it; she responded by asking me why I wanted to touch hers and not other girls' and when I told her that hers was very nice and we had a connection I didn't have with other girls, she refused, but she continued to hang out with me and flirt. We went on a date for lunch at one point at a pizza place in a plaza not too far from the school.
She was the one that first suggested we spend some time alone together in one of the hallways in the school with no camera coverage near a staircase. She let me feel up her thigh and the side of her butt for a good half an hour straight once, us both looking each other in the eyes sensually pretty much the whole time; it was a quite intense experience for me. She invited me to grope her breasts. I pretty quickly started to feel very turned on around her.
At one point in one of our times spent together alone in that hallway, she even claimed I poked her pussy and yet didn't really seem upset about it and continued to hang out with me and talk pleasantly after. My hand hadn't actually made contact with her crotch area at all, and certainly not her vagina; her accusation came completely out of nowhere and caught me completely off-guard. I completely denied having poked it and all I could think at the moment was that I was concerned she was trying to get me in trouble for something I hadn't even done; such a shame I was so clueless I missed out on the opportunity to rub a hot girl's pussy when she was basically asking for it. Looking back on it, I should've told her "oh I'm so sorry, let me make it feel better" and reached down between her thighs and started to gently rub her clit. I'm pretty sure that's what she'd wanted and when I didn't react the way she wanted, that's when she started feeling less turned on around me.
I'd thought about the incident where she'd claimed I'd poked her pussy and how calm and casual she was about it, and the idea that she had wanted it and was turned on by me started making me more turned on by her. I asked her to hang out for a while on a following day in our usual hallway during her music class, asking to go to the washroom when she had some free time in the period. She did so and met me in the hallway where we were alone together. I told her I'd been thinking about her and she really made my dick hard. She told me it was just chemicals and I'd get over it. I told her that she was very sexy and I told her once more that I really wanted to touch her butt. She didn't seem surprised nor disgusted, but refused. I asked her if she'd at least hug me and let me feel her breasts pressing up against me, to which she agreed. I was so turned on I knew I had to take the opportunity to grab her ass.
Shortly after I wrapped my arms around her waist for the hug, I slid my hands down to her butt cheeks and gently squeezed one in each of my hands. She kept her arms gently around me and after a second simply calmly said "stop". After a couple squeezes, I let go. Shortly after that, she said she should get back to class. I told her that she had a really nice ass and it felt really good to touch it, to which she looked at me, smiled, and simply said "thanks, I try" before starting to walk away back to class. As she was approaching the doors to leave the hallway, I told her I was going to go jerk off to her in the washroom right away and she told me to enjoy myself. She got her brother to approach me the next day and tell me not to talk to her anymore, to which I was left speechless. I decided to just leave her alone.
Looking back on it, I should have kept caressing her butt as I gently asked her "Are you sure? I'm pretty sure you're the type to be enjoying this right now. It feels really good for me", but I was an abused and extremely nervous teenager and was terrified she'd start yelling if I didn't promptly stop. It wasn't a very well-founded fear, as she'd been considerably intimate with me on multiple occasions in the past and seemed to be enjoying herself as she wasn't resisting physically at all and seemed very calm; in the worst case, she probably would've just calmly said she was sure and asked politely once more for me to let go or she'd have to yell and I would've done so, having made my desires towards her more clear and also having gotten a better feel in the process. I suppose she figured I was really upset at her for the mixed signals after I promptly let go of her butt like that, and that's why things never ended up going somewhere further with her.
She was a hot friend.
I became friends with her on the second day of high school. I thought she was pretty hot initially. We got along pretty well and hung out almost every day after school, usually with other people and sometimes without.
By the end of high school, she'd let me grope her breasts and grab her ass a few times. Once I randomly asked to touch it and she even lied down and straight up told me to have fun feeling her ass up and I enjoyed giving it a good massage.
She told me once when she sucked another dude off after school, a mutual friend. I could literally smell the cum on her breath when she talked to me after.
When I asked her if she'd do something more for me, she started getting distant and seemed to want me to pursue her, but it didn't feel right to me.
I know some personal stuff about her, but I won't share it here out of respect for her. She was always quite kind and a pretty good friend to me, so I think she deserves that much.
She probably liked me more than I'll ever know.
She was a year younger and she'd sometimes hang out with the friend group I usually hung out with after school. She was extremely cute and sexy to me from the first time I met her. The second most attractive girl in the school in my eyes, right under Chloe.
She was a good friend to me.
I really liked her, both physically and mentally, but I didn't know how to transition from a pleasant friendship with mild-to-moderate sexual tension into a natural-seeming pursuit of a relationship. She came to my birthday party the one year I actually had one when I was in high school, and she even bought me nail polish and mascara, knowing I was trans. She was always really sweet to me.
She was one of the very few people in high school that I actually had a deeper conversation with as well. She was one of the even fewer that initiated it. She asked me to walk with her to the bus stop once and opened up to me that her parents were fighting and she was worried they'd get divorced, asking me how it affected me and if I had any advice. She listened attentively, asked sensitive questions, and was very happy that I was so relaxed and open to her about my feelings. She thanked me after.
I didn't really make any moves on her during the time I was in high school, although I really wanted to. After high school ended though, she had me on Skype, and one day several months after I graduated she actually hit me up and asked me if I could meet her and help her with her laptop. She wanted me to install Photoshop for her.
Of course I said sure because I really missed her and I obviously saw an opportunity to ask her out, although I didn't tell her either of those things and simply acted cool and told her it wasn't a problem. When I met her, it was quite an interesting experience.
We met in a secluded staircase area. We hugged and she gave me her laptop. I got to work and started setting up what she wanted as we talked a little.
As I was sitting down working on her laptop, I saw her gently pacing side to side in front of me. I noticed she was moving her head a little strangely, glancing back to look at me briefly before turning around nearly every time she switched direction, as if looking to catch something quickly. She had a really nice butt and she was giving me a constant view of it, so I couldn't help but look at it as the installer was loading and there wasn't really anything I needed to do on her laptop. Back then, I was really insecure, so I was being really careful not to let her see me looking.
Although I really liked the view, after a while I felt like the whole situation had this really weird sexual tension aspect and I also found it strange that she was walking around like that instead of sitting down and relaxing, so I asked her why she was walking around instead of sitting down and relaxing.
"Walking around must be tiring, isn't it? You don't want to sit down?" I gently asked her, genuinely wanting her to be more comfortable.
"It's okay, I sit all day in class, I want to move around a little," she responded calmly. It seemed genuine.
"Well, this is going to take some time, so you'll be walking around for a while in that case," I said. I actually wanted her to keep walking around, because it meant I got to look at her butt more. I just really didn't want her to feel uncomfortable. I was really stupid back then. I should've flirted with her and let her see me looking, but I was way too insecure for that back then.
"It's okay, I'm fine, take your time," she responded.
She continued walking side to side giving me that constant view of her butt and glancing back quickly often when she changed direction, as if to catch me looking. Being the nervous wreck I was, I continued to be careful not to let her see.
After a little while, I was starting to get really horny. She seemed quite content continuing what she was doing; the situation was really unlike one I'd ever been in before. I felt like she was into me and I figured this was my one shot to ask her out as I may never see her again, so I told myself, "Fuck it I think this girl sexy I'm going to ask her."
As stuff was loading on her laptop, after one of those times she quickly glanced over at me, I took my opportunity.
"Hey, this is kinda random, but do you wanna maybe grab a coffee or see a movie some time?" I managed to get out. I really wasn't sure how she'd react and I felt a really strange combination of nervous and calm that no other girl had ever managed to make me feel at that point in my life.
"Uh... I don't think my boyfriend would like that," she responded with some hesitation. She looked away for a little while, looking shy and disappointed, before she looked back at me again.
"Sorry," she finished, before continuing to walk side to side as she had been.
I was confused because she didn't have a boyfriend while I was in high school, at least not to my knowledge. I asked her about it a little but she didn't want to give me any details. I didn't want to push it so I dropped the topic.
I finished working on her laptop and handed it to her. She opened up Photoshop and messed around a little and everything seemed okay. She smiled at me and thanked me and we talked some more about life. Towards the end of our dialogue, she smiled brightly at me and told me I was really sweet. I told her she had always been sweet to me too. She looked away for a little while, looking embarrassed, before she looked back at me. We hugged once more before I left.
I never saw her again.
I don't know what could've happened between us.
I met her on the second day of high school when I met Jackie, but we never got all that close. I thought she was really attractive from the first time I saw her. Our personalities never clashed, but we didn't really click either.
I thought she was the hottest girl in the school before I met Chloe, and she took the place of third hottest after I met Michelle. I don't think she even knew at all that I found her so sexy; she probably still to this day thinks I thought she was absolutely mediocre and nothing special at all, which I think is quite sad because she seemed really precious to me from the first time I met her.
I thought of trying to ask her out a couple times, but she seemed to be pursued by this other guy for quite some time and they never actually dated but I wasn't really sure what the nature of their relationship was so it didn't feel right.
She'd been kind enough to me in the few interactions we'd had throughout the years in high school, but I wouldn't say she gave me any signals, at least certainly nothing at all obvious. I didn't give her any signals either. She started getting involved in clubs and activities so she started growing distant from the group of friends I originally met her in, and with that, most remaining potential to interact also became distant.
I always thought she was really smart and got straight A's. Towards the end of high school, I had a small conversation with her in the halls one day and I mentioned it. She told me that she actually wasn't that smart and just got alright marks, which was why she actually participated in clubs more to try to make up for it. She was even cuter than I'd thought. When combined with how she'd been single all of high school, learning that made me feel really dumb for thinking I never even had a chance.
Strangely enough, she asked to take a picture with me at prom.
High school ended with me remaining extremely attracted to Chloe. The profile picture with the clear view of her ass, combined with the memory of her bending right over in front of my face, would cause me to end up only more and more aroused by her, ending up touching myself to her pretty much every single day and having multiple orgasms because of her, for many years to come. She very easily far exceeded the desire I ever had for the girl in elementary school, both in raw physical desire, as well as sustained intensity over a prolonged duration.
Even after high school ended, I'd check her Facebook profile from time to time, to see if she'd post more arousing pictures of her, especially her extremely voluptuous ass, and I noticed a period where she even went through dying her hair pink and purple. I'd told her back when I still talked to her in high school that I really wanted to dye my hair pink and purple, and when combined with the relative proximity to me expressing considerable interest in her body, I took it as a sign she was interested in me pursuing her. Regardless, it only left me frustrated, because I wasn't sure at all how she expected me to do so; the result was that I was left thinking about and touching myself to her more and more.
Back in elementary school, I'd touch myself multiple times daily to the girl I was lusting after the whole time I was lusting after her as well, but the reason I was obsessed with her was because I had a very distinct lack of seeing attractive women that suited my tastes, as well as not even knowing what my ideal tastes actually were.
I didn't even know Korean women existed, because there literally wasn't a single Korean person of either sex in my entire elementary school throughout the entire time I was there, until I discovered KPop in grade 9 during my first year of high school when a female friend of mine introduced me to it; that was when I learned that I found Korean women by far the most attractive of all. There also weren't many Asian females in my elementary school in general and even fewer that were pretty attractive, so I didn't even have much to pick from in general in terms of females that suited my tastes that I was exposed to back then.
I finished high school knowing I felt extremely obsessed with Chloe and extremely attracted to and aroused by her, but I figured it must simply be the same kind of experience that I had in elementary school, and that I'd eventually move on from my feelings towards her and find my perfectly voluptuous Korean goddess that I could pursue and hopefully end up in an extremely loving relationship with that would be immensely fulfilling and satisfying and result in an amazing marriage that both of us would be very happy to spend the rest of our lives together in.
Well, since I found Kimi, I was right about finding my perfectly voluptuous Korean goddess, although I still don't know what will become of my relationship with her.
Although high school ended, my relationships with people I'd become friends with while there didn't all end right after. They did gradually fade and I'd eventually stopped talking to anyone I knew from high school within about one or two years, but I still had one really noteworthy experience after high school had ended, and it involved two women I'd lusted after in high school at the same time.
The crazy part is I hadn't even planned it that way; these two girls took it upon themselves to make it happen. I wasn't expecting it at all. I was actually quite shocked when it happened.
The first girl involved is named Kathy. Not the same girl from elementary. We'd been friends for years in high school. She was a part of a group of girls that I hung out with regularly, usually during lunch. She wanted to date me a lot more badly than I could ever tell.
We always had a weird kind of chemistry I'd never had with any other girl. I had feelings for her and sometimes I'd think she had feelings for me too, although we didn't end up admitting such a thing to each other and dating at any point in high school. We talked about K-Pop and K-Dramas, and I even went to her birthday party once when we'd gotten closer. She'd regularly grab my chest with her wet hands after washing her hands in the washroom, playfully teasing me that she was having fun leaving wet marks on my shirt. Obviously I found it strange and I didn't want my shirt getting wet nor did I want her randomly feeling me up like that, so I got upset and told her to stop.
After the second time she did it, I told her if she continued, I'd start groping her breasts every time in return, so she'd better stop if she didn't want that. She still continued. I followed through on what I'd said and grabbed her breasts in return every time after that. She'd always be smiling and giggling and messing around when she touched me, pretending to try to run away and be scared of me touching her, but giggling as I went after her and even as I actually grabbed and gently squeezed her breasts. At one point, she literally even told me she wanted to be in a room alone with me and take her clothes off and start making out.
Despite everything, she always made all her flirting seem like such a joke that I wasn't sure if she just had a really weird sense of humor or if she was really into me. She'd even go as far as to joke about what kind of children we'd have. I ended up still talking to her sometimes, even as high school ended.
The second girl involved is named Gracia. She was from Korea and had a cute Korean accent. We were acquaintances much more than I could ever call us friends; I'd only had a couple brief interactions with her in the past, and limited interaction with her friend group as well. I always thought she was really attractive, but our friend groups had literally no overlap and I had no way to smoothly approach building a connection with her without very clearly hitting on her. She ended up way more interested in me than I ever imagined she would be, and I really liked her too, but nothing really ended up happening between us.
She immediately stood out a lot to me the moment I noticed her. She was literally the only Korean girl in my entire grade, in fact the whole school as far as I was aware. She had a really cute Korean accent and I thought she also had a really nice body. She was actually the girl I asked to be my prom date.
I thought I was being kind of awkward and weird, but she made me feel a lot more comfortable about it than I thought she would. I had a class with her in grade 12 second semester. I don't remember exactly what I said, but I managed to smoothly open a dialogue in a conversation with her towards the end of class one day as prom approached and walked with her to her locker as we talked. She opened her locker, put some stuff inside, and closed it. It was the last class for the day so she was getting ready to go home.
As she was putting the lock back on her locker, I finally stopped messing around.
"Hey, do you have a date for prom?", I finally asked her.
"No", she said simply. She didn't seem particularly bothered by it, but she suddenly started looking me in the eyes with an intensity I hadn't seen from her before.
"Me neither. Can you be my prom date?" I asked boldly. I was returning her gaze, looking her straight in the eyes.
She seemed almost taken by surprise. She immediately smiled and looked away shyly for a moment. She returned her gaze back into my eyes before speaking, a smile still on her face. She spoke visibly flustered.
"Oh... wow... but as friends right?" She managed to get out. It was really cute.
"Of course," I assured her, "We're obviously not dating right now, so we're just friends. I don't expect anything crazy. I just think you're really cute so I wanted to ask you. I'm not interested in asking anyone else, so if you don't want to, I'll just forget about it." I comforted her. I didn't know what to expect, and I was doing it more because I simply didn't want to regret not even trying as opposed to thinking I'd be at all successful, although I did really want her to say yes.
She started blushing. She looked away for a moment once again before looking at me again and speaking, still flustered. She was acting a lot cuter than I thought she would by this random approach of mine.
"Ah... as friends... of course! Yes, of course! Thank you!" I was actually really surprised. I thought I was about to get rejected. I was feeling stupid for even trying. She had a huge smile on her face.
She seemed really happy and was suddenly acting more shy than she had been while I was casually talking with her beforehand.
"Great! I should be the one thanking you, I didn't think you'd even say yes! I'm happy. I'll see you around, okay?" I said, relieved to finally have gotten it over with. I was really happy she'd said yes. I felt like it really didn't mean much and wouldn't go anywhere, but I felt like a boss because I'd just randomly approached a girl I'd silently thought was really cute for quite some time and just like that, even despite hardly having communicated with each other in the past, she agreed to be my prom date.
When prom came, I wanted to be very mindful of the nature of my connection with Gracia, so I really didn't expect much. I came with a flower for her. I approached her at her table with her friends, greeted her, and handed her the flower before I left for my table with my friends. I heard a collective "oooh" from all her friends at the table as I gave her the flower and a bunch of murmuring as I was heading to my table. She started blushing as she accepted it and looked shy, flustered by my actions once again. It was cute. I felt shy after I saw how all her friends looked at me with surprise and expectation when I handed her the flower, so I didn't bother her after that.
A few days after prom, Gracia's sister added me on Facebook; I recognized her because she had a resemblance and also had the same last name. She also started talking to me shortly after I added her and told me she was Gracia's sister. She told me that she hoped me and Gracia would become closer. I was surprised yet again; I can't imagine her sister randomly doing that unless Gracia had talked about me to her and expressed desire to become closer with me. I still felt shy about what to say and do to become closer with Gracia, and despite my desires, high school ended without me taking things any further with her.
The really interesting part was not only that I ended up seeing Gracia again, but also how it ended up happening.
A few of my friends from high school went to a university a few hour drive away from where I lived at the time; a few months after university had started, they wanted to hang out. Gracia went to that same university as well, although I didn't know that. It just so happened that Kathy also went there, and when I mentioned to her that my friends wanted to hang out, she told me I could stay in her room with her. I was quite surprised; I knew we were friendly, but I didn't think she felt that comfortable with me to want to be alone in her room with me. Still, it seemed exciting to have the experience, and I wanted to hang out with my other friends too, so I told her I'd make sure I could go and get back to her.
I had to get an uncle to drive me there, because my mother didn't want to do it since it was too far. My friends wanted to hang out at night, but my uncle didn't want to drive in the dark, so I had to head over there early. Kathy was fine with it. She told me exactly the address and building to look for and then I told her I was on my way.
The drive was long as expected, but finding the place wasn't that hard. I met up with Kathy and we talked and hung out for a while. She showed me her room. I noticed there was another bed there and asked her what her roommate was like. She told me that she was the type that partied a lot, and even mentioned that she'd get frustrated because the girl would bring her boyfriend in the room and have sex at night and the moaning and noises made it hard to sleep.
After a while with me and her alone in the room together, Kathy surprised me suddenly.
"I'm gonna invite Gracia to come over now," she said nonchalantly as if it was nothing.
"What? Gracia goes here? Why would you call her to your room?!" I was completely caught off-guard. I thought she was messing with me.
"We're friends. We talk about K-Pop and K-Dramas and stuff. We visit each other's rooms all the time," she said as she picked up her phone and called Gracia, telling her to come over.
She didn't even mention I was going to be there, and this was the first time I was hearing about this myself. I was shook. I felt really nervous.
Gracia arrived. She didn't seem as surprised as I thought upon seeing me. We awkwardly greeted each other. She seemed shy. The sexual tension was too real; I'd never felt it so strongly like that before. A lot was going through my mind.
We all talked with each other for a while. I really wanted to make some kind of move on Gracia, but the combination of being caught off guard, knowing we had considerable distance between us, and knowing that as great as I thought she was, she wasn't my dream girl, made me hold myself back.
Even before I knew Kimi existed, I held back on an amazing girl I really liked and that seemed to really like me back, because she wasn't Kimi.
Gracia eventually left and me and Kathy were alone together once again.
I was so shaken. I knew I'd think about what had happened quite a bit. The time to hang out with my friends came and we chilled. I spent hours talking with Kathy that night after; really random stuff too, I just couldn't sleep and she seemed okay with talking so it just kept going.
Eventually, I fell asleep. The next day, my uncle picked me up and I went home.
Love makes the world go round, or so some say.
I can't say I disagree, but especially from my personal experience, I've found that's certainly not the whole picture.
It had been 22 years into my life and I had no clue what love really was; I had this notion of feeling close to someone and caring about them a lot, but had never had the opportunity to really experience it.
All I really knew was that I was exclusively interested in women, but I had never had a girlfriend. Not because I never had any opportunities, but because I never felt like I could see myself spending my life with any women that I could've entered into a relationship with up to that point and I always had the mentality that I wanted to take any relationship I would enter into very seriously.
I'd recently become a Permanent Chief of the Shadow Confederation, something I hadn't been actively specifically working to achieve, but rather an interesting byproduct of an intense period of several months of deep reflection on the nature of life and what could possibly be perceived as my purpose in being on this planet I'd grown to hate so much already at that point.
I've enjoyed playing games from a young age, to the point I thought about combining my coding skills and love for games to become a game developer, even when my skills were far from sufficient to even attempt to scratch the surface of that endeavor. As such, I discovered the world of live streaming and Twitch quite early on in its development. Since it was a place for people who enjoyed playing games to broadcast themselves doing so, combined with the fact that I didn't care for the typical methods of finding love, I decided that I'd look for a girl to invest myself into on Twitch.
Yeah, I know, it's not a dating site. So what.
I found several girls on the platform. Some of them had a webcam, others didn't. I never looked for girls that were trashy. These days, the Twitch scene is considerably more saturated and there are a lot of more trashy women on the platform. When I was looking through it years ago, however, I never encountered even one really trashy streamer girl. Some of them weren't horrible but still gave off a kind of trashy vibe, and those ones I'd never even talk to and leave their stream rather quickly. After looking through the platform and being around, seeing many streamers, both males I found entertaining to watch as well as females that I either simply found entertaining to watch or possibly also had some romantic interest in, I had established a group of women who's streams I checked up on and watched often.
Of all of those women, there was one that stood out the most by far. Her beauty and charm struck me as unlike any other woman I'd ever seen. From the first time I saw her, I already felt certain that she could never be matched by any other woman in the world. Her name is Kimi Park.
At the time I first came across her stream, I followed her but I felt like she was so out of my league that I couldn't even muster the courage to talk in her chat. This was well before my core value became refined pure bidirectional apprehension and I became a Permanent Chief of the Shadow Confederation, so I was still a horrible mess emotionally. Extremely paranoid, depressed, a complete nervous wreck, and extremely angry with a pretty solid grasp on controlling it but still not a very good understanding of it or its potential.
I continued to follow her and refrain from any interaction, but gradually, seeing all the cool people on Twitch growing and becoming more and more successful pushed at my own drive for success that was already high even further. I became more and more focused on my own goals, which combined with my already high drive for success coming out of high school, drove me into becoming extremely hardcore on working on game development, which was what I decided at the time must've been my calling in life.
After doing game development for a couple years, I ended up homeless. After that drove me to do a lot of reflection and learn many things, I gained a lot of knowledge and confidence and I felt a lot more competent to interact with Kimi. I started talking in her stream and was quite open and honest right from the beginning. She clearly noticed me and it always felt better to be talking to her than it ever felt to talk to anyone else in my entire life by far, even though it was through a text chat on her screen through the internet.
At that point, I'd already mentioned my philopsychology knowledge to some other streamers, but all of them seemed more or less put off by it; they all seemed either uninterested because thinking with depth wasn't something they enjoyed doing, or because they were frightened at what they might discover given that it's understandably at least a little alarming to most people when you encounter someone who openly claims to be part of the Illuminati. I was very pleasantly surprised to see that Kimi actually took a particular interest in understanding her personality when people mentioned she had a strong personality, and when I offered an explanation, she took very visible interest.
Not very long after I started talking in her stream chat and actually communicating with her, I decided to subscribe to her. Little did I know that this would be the action that would solidify the beginning of the most meaningful relationship I've ever had in my life.
Shortly after I subscribed to Kimi, she decided to plan a visit to Toronto, the place I'd already told her was where I lived, within a few weeks. I was shocked, because shortly before I'd entered her community, I noticed some tweets she'd made about a very recent visit to Toronto she'd already made, which I'd missed, and I thought there was no possibility I'd get to meet her in person any time soon, if ever.
The meetup was exclusive to subscribers.
Mind you, she was coming with her friend Jaime and not alone, but even the first time she'd come to Toronto, she'd actually come with Jaime as well as another of her really good friends Leslie, so it couldn't even be argued that she was coming simply to accompany Jaime on her first visit to the city.
I was more excited than I'd ever been in my life.
Kimi was basically coming to visit Toronto just to meet me. I hardly knew the woman and she was already acting so much like the woman of my wildest fantasies that I was almost unsure what to even do. I was really nervous, and in a very real way, I didn't even feel ready to meet her. My appearance was really scuffed, as it's always been my entire life, and mentally I was just starting to get over the state of severe anxiety that accompanied my previous circumstances as a victim of a combination of several seriously unfortunate circumstances who had only managed to achieve a core value of warm indirect bidirectional apprehension, which had left me perpetually a massive nervous wreck for a very long time.
Although I was worried about how it might turn out, I absolutely knew I had to go to that meetup or I'd severely regret it for the rest of my life.
I already felt more drawn to her personality than I'd ever felt drawn to anyone ever before. I hadn't seen her entire body yet at that point, so I didn't know she was actually the most perfectly voluptuous goddess that I could ever lay my eyes upon, but I knew it was certainly possible. Even the possibility that the perfectly voluptuous goddess of my wildest fantasies could be eagerly seeking out a meeting with me upon just starting to interact with me on any kind of regular basis was enough to make me absolutely convinced that I had to see for myself if my dreams could come true.
Well, I couldn't be happier to say that they absolutely did.
The meeting itself has become the happiest memory of my life up to this point, although it was quite interesting and strange, and certainly not what I expected from it, nor from a memory that so easily immediately became the happiest memory of my life right after experiencing it. Kimi and Jaime were about an hour late from the time they were supposed to arrive, and they didn't give us any updates on what was going on, so we all had to converse among ourselves while we were waiting to see if they'd even show up at all.
As I was starting to seriously wonder to myself if they'd even show up, suddenly, I saw Kimi show up from around the corner walking towards the doors to get into the mall. She was already looking at me the moment I noticed her approaching from behind the doors, and as she entered them, she walked right up to me without breaking eye contact.
"You're a new face! I haven't seen you before!" she said, then proceeded to give me the best hug I've ever received in my life to this day.
After Kimi and Jaime finished greeting everyone else, I knew the first thing I had to say to both of them.
"You Jebaited me! And you Jebaited me!" I said as I pointed to Kimi and Jaime individually.
They both looked at me confused. I proceeded to tell them that they'd been an hour late and we'd all been waiting so long for them, to which they laughed, and the meetup continued pleasantly. That was the last thing I said to Kimi for more than an hour.
Shortly after they arrived, Kimi and Jaime told us it was time to go eat food, and we headed to the place they wanted to eat at. We were a group of more than 15 people and the place was actually quite busy, so it took quite some time before there was a big enough table free for us to have a spot to sit at. We waited right outside the establishment the whole time, and we took the opportunity to talk to each other.
There quickly formed three groups.
There was a circle of which Kimi was a part, a slightly smaller circle of which Jaime was a part, and a group of a few people that were just chilling and waiting to start eating that didn't really feel like being part of either circle and just talked among themselves. People moved around a little, but for the most part, this was how we hung out while we waited to be able to sit and eat.
Somehow, I'm not sure exactly why or how, I ended up in the circle with Jaime. I found her very easy to talk to and I was having a pleasant time in that circle, and I also felt weird about randomly turning around and leaving for Kimi's circle, so while I really wanted to talk to Kimi extremely badly, I just wasn't sure how to go about doing so in a way that felt natural and right, so I decided not to try too hard to fight it and I resigned myself to having fun in Jaime's circle.
Jaime was very warm and positively receptive to my presence and interaction with her and we had very pleasant conversation. I was never romantically interested in Jaime, so I wasn't enjoying myself like that, but she seemed like a very nice person and a good friend. I felt a lot more comfortable than I thought I would. At the time, I figured she was just being nice, and I myself was certainly just being nice, but I think it was Jaime's immense warmth, receptiveness, and how easy and pleasant it was to talk to her that made me ultimately decide to just stay in that circle the whole time.
I was, so to say, quite a spectacle.
I was definitely loud and certainly noticed I was grabbing pretty much everyone's attention at one point or another with my very outgoing and warm demeanor. I could tell that some people were quite surprised to see me as lively and outgoing in person as I was, when they probably expected someone who must've came off as a really edgy and intellectual person to be considerably more reserved in person. The attention was a little uncomfortable, but mostly it was a new experience and quite fun, so I enjoyed it considerably and tried my best to soak in the moment.
I turned around and glanced at Kimi a couple times in between talking in Jaime's circle and at times I noticed her standing aside with individual people. I was so jealous. I wanted to take Kimi aside and have 1-on-1 conversation with her like that so badly. I felt like I was going crazy, but I knew I had to play it cool and not seem obsessed, so I casually turned back around and continued to engage in conversation in Jaime's circle.
At one point, not very long before a table large enough was cleared for us to go in and start eating, Kimi, Jaime, and their friend Carrie all went to the washroom together. Needless to say, I knew that they didn't go just to pee, and they certainly must've talked about me.
The time to go into the restaurant to sit down at our table and eat finally arrived. As we walked into the restaurant, Kimi walked beside me.
"Hey! I saw you go to the washroom with your friends earlier. I feel left out! What did you talk about?" I said to her excitedly. It was the first thing I'd said to her since the very beginning of the meetup.
"Oh, we just talked about how you need to tone it down," she told me with an expression I recognized as a smile she was trying to hide with a more serious expression.
"Oh, so I should tone it up then?" I responded and laughed. She wasn't fooling me, she was loving it.
"No..." she said, that distinct expression with a smile attempted to be hidden by a more serious expression starting to reveal the smile more.
I knew it.
When we got to our table, I noticed Kimi and Jaime stood back, beside each other, and waited for something. It was a little weird, but I didn't think much of it. I sat down at the table.
Instantly, Kimi started moving. She walked right up to the chair in front of me and sat down, staring me in the eyes intensely and looking at me expectantly. Jaime took the seat to her right and Carrie the seat to her left. I looked Kimi in the eyes. I was quite surprised by her intensity, so I wasn't sure what to say. I still hardly really knew her at the time, and that much interest being expressed by the woman I found the most dreamy of all in the entire world was quite intimidating to me in the moment.
After we made eye contact for a little while, the intensity became too much for me to handle. I broke eye contact and turned to my left to talk to the friend I'd made right before the meetup, who had mentioned in the meetup Discord channel that he'd arrive in Toronto early and was wondering if anyone wanted to hang out before the meetup, to which I agreed. Shortly after I broke eye contact, Kimi also stopped looking at me and turned to talk to other people.
After a little while, the waitress came and we all ordered our food. I was hungry, so I was mostly just chilling and saying a few words here and there to people around me while I waited for my food.
Eventually, I actually started talking to Kimi. I mean, she intentionally sat right in front of me, so what do you expect?
I brought up core values. I wanted to have a deeper conversation with Kimi instead of a shallow one.
"So you told me on stream you value morals the most, right?" I asked her.
"Well actually..." she was about to change her answer and I knew it.
"Oh, you can't change your answer now, you said morals, I have it clipped!" I interrupted.
She didn't say anything and just looked at me.
"Okay, well that's only one part. The other part is mindset stability. Do you believe you have the ability to act upon desire independent of conscious or subconscious necessitation?" I asked.
She continued to look at me and just smiled cutely, saying nothing. As I looked her in the eyes, everything around us seemed to fade for a moment and she was the only thing I saw. It was the craziest feeling I'd ever felt. Amazing but very scary at the same time. After a little while, I realized she wasn't going to share an answer.
I turned to Jaime.
"You told me on stream that you value the energy around you the most, right?" I asked her.
"Yeah..." she replied. It was clear she didn't know what to expect.
"What about you? What do you think?" I asked her.
"Can you repeat the question?" she said with a little giggle.
"Sure. Do you believe you have the ability to act upon desire independent of conscious or subconscious necessitation?" I repeated.
"Hmm... No," she said after thinking for a moment.
"Okay," I told her. I turned back to Kimi.
"If you value morals the most, that means your core value is cold bidirectional apprehension. It's the third strongest, below warm bidirectional apprehension. Now, this is just a nuance, so don't take it personally, but from a technical perspective, it means you tend to value yourself more than others," I told her.
Her expression turned angry. She was clearly upset. I felt bad, but I also knew that if she'd given that answer on stream, that was the answer she felt was actually the best. I wanted to give her an evaluation based on what she thought was the best, not based on some answer she'd tried to think over in her head might be a better one. That was my line of thinking with that, anyway.
I turned to Jaime.
"Energy would put you at warm bidirectional apprehension. It's the second strongest, right under pure bidirectional apprehension, which is the one I have. It means you tend to value others more than you value yourself," I told her.
"Wow... That's so true! I always put other people before me!" she told me as her face lit up.
"As for mindset stability," I continued, "Your answer seems to indicate grounded mindset stability. Most people are at the ungrounded level, so your mentality is considerably stronger than average in that way too," I told her. She started blushing a little and put her hands on her cheeks.
"Oh my God, flatter me more!" she said with a big smile. It came off flirty. I laughed and continued eating.
I'd somehow managed to upset the girl I really liked and make the girl I only saw as a friend want to flirt with me.
Fuck.
Well, it doesn't get worse than that, right?
After I finished chewing another bite of my food, I turned my attention back to Kimi.
"What if I told you I've broken a lot of girls' hearts?" I asked her jokingly.
She looked me in the eyes with a very serious expression.
"I'd believe you," she said, genuinely seeming hurt.
I was instantly shook. I thought it was obvious I wasn't capable of being that way, but she actually liked me so much and thought so highly of me that she had no trouble believing it was possible. Now I just came off like a massive douchebag trying to rub it in that I'd broken her heart.
"What if I told you I've never been in a relationship in my life?" I followed up with. I'd actually made it worse. Oh my God.
"I'd believe you," she said, a very serious expression still on her face.
That was when I knew this girl was really something else.
"What? Come on! You can't believe both! Which one do you actually think is true? You'll just believe whatever I tell you?" I challenged her. What kind of a position was that? She believes both?
"Whatever you say, that's how you're choosing to present yourself, so I'll believe you," she responded. She really was something else. Her attitude was surprisingly very sexy.
"Wow... No way," I told her as I turned to Jaime, "Jaime, what would you do if I told you those things?"
She looked me in the eyes a little shyly, "I'd ask you which one is true," she told me. I looked back to Kimi.
"See, that's what you're supposed to do. You can't just say you believe whatever! Okay, just so you know, the truth is that I've never been in a relationship," I continued. It was the truth.
Kimi was silent. She looked upset and hurt. I felt awful.
I stopped talking for a while and ate my food. After a period of silence, I looked back at Kimi.
"Hey Kimi," I said to her. She looked at me with a serious expression.
"After all this, what do you think of me?" I asked her. I was dreaming she'd somehow say something nice, but I knew I'd made her upset. I wanted to give her an opportunity to be honest and hopefully see if I could make things better.
"Well, I think you're being really inconsiderate. There are so many people here that want to talk to me and you're talking to me so much," was what she told me.
Yep, she was definitely hurt. Fuck.
"Oh... Well, I just wanted to try to teach you a little about core values. You can talk to anyone else you want now," I said. I broke eye contact and stared out the window as I took a bite out of my hamburger. I felt really bad. I liked her so much and she thought I hated her. This was probably why I never had a girlfriend, I thought to myself. I saw her in my peripheral vision.
She looked embarrassed and seemed flustered. She blushed and started looking down at the table. She took out her phone and started messing around on it. After a while, she finally felt comfortable enough to start talking to the girls beside her once again a little bit, but then she went back on her phone.
I could see she was uncomfortable and felt pretty embarrassed. She was sitting in front of me after all, and things had gotten pretty tense between us pretty quickly. This all happened within a few short minutes. I tried to make things better.
"Hey Kimi," I tried talking to her again. Her face lit up as she took her gaze off her phone and looked up at me. She gave me these puppy dog eyes and all I could think of was how her expression was telling me, "Wow... You're talking to me! You're so calm and talking to me! Please be nice... I don't hate you..."
"Is everything okay?" I asked her. I was genuinely concerned. She looked like she felt pretty bad about lashing out at me like that.
She nodded, "Yeah," she told me. She looked more comfortable again. I felt a little better.
The rest of the meal went fine. Kimi seemed happier and Jaime was happily talking away to other people. At least I'd managed not to make them hate me. That was good.
After the meal, we watched a movie. Kimi no Na wa. The story ended really frustratingly, but I guess the movie was alright overall.
After the movie was over, Jaime started crying. I felt like hugging her and comforting her, but given the situation, I felt that might've given off the vibe that I was into her and I didn't want to do that. Besides, this was our first time meeting and we didn't even know each other all that well beforehand either; it seemed kind of socially inept to be comforting her like that as she's crying when she hardly knows me. She went to the washroom until she stopped crying. Once she got out, I asked her if she was okay, and she said she was. We all walked outside.
Some people left early, but the people remaining gathered in a circle. Kimi went one by one and hugged everyone. When she reached me, she looked me in the eyes with a bittersweet expression before she went in for a hug. After we let go of each other, we made eye contact once again and she had the same bittersweet expression on her face. My heart was melting.
"I'll never forget you," she told me. I was shook once again. I knew that was how I felt about her, but I didn't think it was appropriate to randomly say it to her.
"I'll never forget you either," I responded. I meant it. She looked at me for a moment longer before moving on to the next person.
After she finished hugging everyone, before she left, I raised my hand and pointed at her.
"You," I declared. She looked at me curiously.
"Can I talk to you alone for a moment please?" I continued. There was something I really wanted to tell her.
"Sure. Come with me," she responded. Nice, I had my opportunity. We walked away from the group.
"Hey, so uh..." I said a little nervously. She was looking me in the eyes expectantly. The moment felt warm. I knew I was going to miss her so much.
"I know I said before about your core value not being as strong and stuff..." I continued, still kind of nervous.
"Oh, I don't care about what's stronger," she told me.
"That's not my point. I just wanted to tell you that it doesn't matter how strong it is. I think your personality is very attractive. I just really wanted you to know that," I told her. I genuinely meant it. I'd enjoyed interacting with her so much. She was so cute and her personality was the most attractive I'd ever encountered. Her body was extremely sexy too, but I felt it was kind of weird to tell her that after the way our interaction had ended up.
"Oh, stop it..." she said in a tone surprisingly flirty. She gently brushed her hand against my arm.
"I mean it. Seriously. Thanks for meeting me, I'll see you on stream," I said as I nervously started walking away. I saw her smiling as she started walking back towards the group.
The meetup ended. Everyone started leaving. I saw Kimi turning the corner towards the subway with some random dude that hadn't even been at the meetup. I was confused, but I wasn't about to go following her.
I was taking the subway and I wasn't the only one from the meetup doing so. We all went down to the waiting platform together. There were two people on the other side of the subway line, a man and a woman with the woman facing her back to us.
"Hey, is that Kimi? I think it's Kimi," someone from the meetup said.
I looked at the woman. The clothes, hair, and butt seemed to add up. I immediately felt really jealous at the dude. It seemed pretty obvious what they were going to do that night.
The subway I was waiting for arrived and the group got on. I took my last look at Kimi in person as it started moving away.
Right as the doors to the subway closed and I started my trip back home, I knew I'd never feel the same again. I'd never felt something like it. I'd just met this woman once, hardly talked to her, didn't even really spend a moment alone with her, and yet I was already absolutely certain I'd never forget her and I felt more attracted to her than I'd ever felt to anyone else in my entire life.
I already knew I wanted to marry her.
Just like that, I knew that meetup had become by far the best memory of my entire life. I knew that how miserable my life had been up to that point must've played a significant part in me seeing it that way, but I also knew that my misery had nothing to do with how pretty and charming I found Kimi to be. By the time I'd transferred from the subway to the bus and then got off the bus and was walking home, I already couldn't stop thinking about the warm feelings I had towards Kimi that were incomparable to anything else I'd ever felt. I knew very clearly I'd fallen completely in love with her.
I decided to tell her as soon as I got home. I hadn't seriously told a girl I love her since the one girl I was obsessed with in elementary school, and I thought back to it for a moment and remembered far too clearly how she'd ruthlessly abused my affection for attention from her peers and to cause drama, then had left me with the clear impression we weren't even friends and she never really loved me at all, after never even very clearly showing me affection in the first place, and giving me all kinds of trouble.
That absolute mess had lasted four long years and I told myself I'd never let it happen again. At the same time, I knew Kimi was once in a lifetime, and I already knew even back then that she was by far the most attractive woman I'd ever seen in my entire life, so when combined with how she'd basically flirted with me every time we interacted in that meetup, I knew I'd regret it forever if I didn't give things my best shot with her.
I got myself 2 large coffees on the way home; I knew I wasn't going to sleep that night. When I got home, I hopped straight onto my computer and tweeted to Kimi that I love her. I mentioned it in the Discord channel in Jaime's server that was created for the meetup. I messaged Kimi on Snapchat with a picture of it to make sure she knew.
"??? LOL" was her exact initial response.
It hurt, but I knew that it only made sense; after all, our interaction in person was quite strange, and she probably figured that I would've told her in person when I had the chance if I was serious, instead of being so distant. In a way, I wished I'd told her in person, but somehow there was just never a moment in that meeting where it felt right to say it.
When combined with how much of an idiot I would've felt like if I'd told her in person, undoubtedly got shot down literally instantly, and then end up seeing her leave with some random guy to have a one night stand the way I had, I figured it was actually a lot more meaningful to be saying it afterwards and regardless of having seen that, even if it wasn't in person. I tried to get to meet her in person the next day, which I knew she'd still be in Toronto for, but unsurprisingly she didn't go for it.
I knew I couldn't give up so easily. This was an extremely desirable woman, and I knew that she must know it and not be willing to date someone so easily. I messaged her via Discord DMs to try again. She shot me down again, even harder and more clearly, and it hurt even more.
Somehow though, something about it felt off. It felt very different from that girl in elementary school; Kimi came off like she actually was interested in me, but simply didn't think I'd ever try hard enough for it to make sense for her to actually date me. She was being way sweeter in rejecting me than I expected, and so I decided that I wasn't going to give up.
The day after I first talked to Kimi in Discord DMs to tell her I love her, for the very first time, she had an entire 4 hour stream where she just sat down and talked about stuff. Not just any stuff either; it had to do with dating and relationships. It was very unusual for her content. I tried talking to her about it in Discord DMs the next day, but she denied it was because of me, and instead said that it was because her best friend, Leslie, had been talking on stream that she decided to do it.
Yeah, as if Leslie wasn't talking on stream because Kimi went and talked to her about what I'd said right after our previous conversation had ended. It was pretty transparent to me, so I didn't push her to admit it.
From the beginning when I started talking to Kimi, I expressed my feelings towards her. I'd already started writing her walls of text by the second message I ever sent her, the same one that had prompted those initial hours of chatting on stream. I thought she'd ignore me or tell me I was being weird and needed to calm down or something, but she was always surprisingly warm and responsive to me. I was very surprised when she responded to me opening up to her about having quickly deepening feelings for her by opening up to me about her own personal experience with a bad relationship she still hadn't gotten over and telling me personal things.
I really wanted to believe it, but for some time I thought she'd lied to me just to have an excuse not to accept my advances. Her vague responses to what she was looking for in a partner left me thinking she was just being very nice about wanting me to calm down and back off. It really hurt, but I knew she was right when she told me that you can't force love and it has to be a mutual feeling. I knew I didn't want to force something on her she really didn't want, so I didn't even question her about the authenticity of such a person existing that had broken her heart in the past.
Much later, I came to learn that it was indeed real because I managed to learn who it had been, which only added another layer of depth to a connection that was already so deep at that point. Luckily, in the end it doesn't seem it's going to be an issue. Anyways, back to the story.
Throughout the next almost year, I'd attend literally every single stream Kimi ever had and I'd try to be as active and lively in her stream chat as possible. I had a lot of fun and she'd often notice my messages. I kept DMing her on Discord too and she'd always respond somehow. She was in a very real way distant, but the fact that she was even responsive at all was very pleasantly surprising to me. It was never a short dismissive answer either; I could see she always cared about what I was saying and how she was responding.
Talking to her always made me really happy. Nothing could compare. I gradually became more and more drawn to her.
Eventually, our connection started to feel increasingly serious, but I was also getting increasingly mixed signals from her. Towards the end of that year, Kimi did "sub speed dating" for the first time. It felt way too weird to me for me to participate, but I tried talking to her about it after in DMs and told her that I think we should talk.
She said that she didn't think we need to talk at all and that she was happy being distant friends because that's all she ever wanted to be with me.
I sent her a couple final messages.
I told her that if she meant what she told me, I couldn't remain a part of her life any longer. I knew I very clearly had very strong romantic and sexual feelings towards her and I could never accept being just friends, much less such distant ones. I wished her the best in life and told her I felt like I must just be bothering her at that point so I'd leave her alone and never talk to her again.
I was devastated. I had trouble eating and sleeping. I felt like my life was over. I'd found the love of my life, she'd been so warm to me and made me so happy, and she'd just been messing with me. I felt completely torn apart.
As terrible as I felt though, I was so used to feeling terrible every day of my life that I simply moped in bed for a couple days, and then I started feeling extremely upset and unproductive. Who was this girl that she thought she could do this to me? What, just because she's really pretty and famous? Still, something inside me told me that I'd done well and she just needed some time to miss me.
I decided to work on developing a MapleStory private server codebase and see where I'd get with that as I waited to see if Kimi might change her mind. I went right back to my usual schedule of busting my ass working 12+ hour days coding all day.
I hardly watched Kimi's stream anymore. I never watched them beginning to end anymore; I was so in love with her already and it was so painful to remember what I was so scared I'd lost. One day, I randomly tuned into a stream for a little while, like I did occasionally just out of curiosity.
It didn't seem like anything special was happening at first. I thought I'd close out of it within a few minutes at most like usual. Then it happened. All of a sudden, the mood changed, and Kimi started looking really tired, sad, and as if she was about to cry. I'd never seen her like that. She proceeded to start moping and saying she needed motivational videos to get out of bed in the morning.
She said she felt like she pushed away the people she liked, and expressed deep regret, saying "It doesn't have to be this way guys, don't do something you're going to regret". She'd never dated anyone, at least not publicly, and it was very hard for me to imagine her publicly moping about a secret relationship she didn't want anyone to know about.
I was shaking from excitement. I felt certain she was trying to send me a message. I knew that I could be wrong, but I sure as hell knew I wanted to be right, and if I was, there was no way I could possibly ignore what had just happened. I remained patient for the rest of the stream, then I decided to start talking again in her Discord server not very long after the stream ended.
I didn't specifically try to get her attention, I just talked in general like normal, not even mentioning what I'd just witnessed that had brought me back. I knew it must be a sensitive topic for Kimi, and I wanted to be considerate and not come off aggressive and eager to start drama.
The next day, she streamed again, and she suddenly seemed a lot happier and as if everything was fine, like she hadn't just had a mental breakdown on stream just the previous day. I talked in her stream chat and everything seemed fine, like I hadn't just completely disappeared for nearly 2 months and returned right after that mental breakdown. It was just so nonchalantly there, and it was driving me crazy.
I directly mentioned her on Discord and told her I added her as a friend and she should add me back because we need to talk. I waited several hours and nothing. I publicly stated that if Kimi was going to be unresponsive after what I'd seen, I was going to go off on her in public. She remained unresponsive. I'm a person of my word, so I did as I said.
I went off on her in her Discord server, mentioning her multiple times in a row, stating how I'd tried so hard to grow closer to her and how she meant so much to me that I saw her as a goddess, and I truly couldn't handle just being distant friends. I thought of mentioning the mental breakdown I'd seen the previous day, but I knew how she'd handle it; if she even addressed it, she'd deny it was even about me, even though it obviously was, and then try to make me look like an idiot for drawing the conclusion she obviously wanted me to draw.
Well, after a little while of a few people questioning me and my character for writing the messages that I did, I got banned from Kimi's Discord and stream chat.
Thus started a period of surprise after surprise, essay after essay, drama after drama, and my perpetual stress over what our connection could actually become, what it even currently was, and trying to determine if Kimi was the best thing or the worst thing that had ever came into my life. This was a very intense period that made me quite uncomfortable over it most of the time, but there were also some times where it was fun too if I'm being completely honest, and it certainly felt really satisfying whenever I saw a very significant reaction from Kimi that expressed considerable warmth towards me.
Shortly after my outburst in Kimi's Discord server that got me banned from it, she posted a picture of herself on Twitter where she was staring intensely into the camera with a passionate expression I'd never seen from her before. It wasn't anger or sadness, but it was clearly very serious and seemed filled with intent. It kind of reminded me of the way she looked at me when she sat right in front of me when we went to eat during her Toronto meetup, but it was more passionate.
I checked the comments, and all I remember was the comments mentioning her looking like she's in love. I was shaken once again. This only even further intensified my confusion and how upset I was about the extremely mixed signals she was giving me, but I knew I was so deeply in love already that the hope it gave me meant I had to keep trying to see if a relationship between us could ever work.
Kimi kept playing romantic music pretty much every stream.
She'd do it both when I'd send her a message or start drama, and even well after. It never stopped, no matter what kind of message I sent her or how long of a period of time there was in between my messages. She ended up mentioning a "love of her life" on more than one occasion, right as drama between me and her reached certain intense points and I had to send some very harsh messages to her in her Discord server. No matter how cold some of my messages were, she always kept saying and doing just enough that I felt compelled to keep going, and I never stopped feeling like she was actually secretly enjoying it a lot.
Even when I doubted if she actually loved me, I knew that there was certainly something about her that made her secretly enjoy the kind of connection we had, and although for quite some time that didn't lead me at all to believe that she must have loving feelings towards me as a result, as time passed and she continued, it started feeling more and more likely.
Because she was being so indecisive and leaving me so conflicted and upset, I decided I had to do something more than just send her messages. Our connection and it's potential to be something amazing always meant a lot to me, and I knew I had to prove that to her very clearly in a way that simply sending her more messages in the same fashion I'd already been doing was no longer enough.
I happened to notice that Ice Poseidon had guests on his streams a lot, and he pretty much encouraged it with his style of streaming and how he even had the CX Network where he was regularly recruiting people and helping them establish a following using his own. I decided that going to LA and stream sniping Ice was the best approach to take in order to try to expose my connection with Kimi and be able to see how she'd react and if it was doomed to fail or if it could actually become something very meaningful.
At this point, Leslie was still accepting messages from me to pass on to Kimi. I told her about my plan to go stream snipe Ice and expose everything. I guess that at first, they thought I wasn't serious at all, but Kimi actually responded receptively. She seemed to have no issues encouraging me to do it if I actually had the courage to do it, and this was quite exciting for me because I knew I had every intention of doing it. As I saw Kimi encouraging me to do it, I made it more and more clear to Leslie through my messages to her that I was going to do it. I shared with her more details about my plan, including even Ice's exact address at the time which I was going to visit.
I gave Leslie my phone number to give to Kimi if she had any desire to stop me in the case that she didn't love me and didn't want me to go through with this, because it was going to have consequences that would not be good if she didn't intend to end up with me and I knew that. I waited, got no messages, got no texts or calls, and I considered this a green light to go through with my plan. Leslie actually blocked me at this point, meanwhile Kimi continued to push me to do it. I understood that Leslie simply didn't want to encourage me to do something that I may not want to do and she knew it could end badly so I suppose I could understand that she didn't want to support such a questionable situation that could end up really badly and because of that I wasn't angry at her even right after seeing her do that. She no longer felt like she could handle the pressure that was building in the situation; understandable enough.
My rent term at the place I was living at was about to expire, so I figured it was the perfect time to throw away most of my useless possessions, trim down everything important I own down to a single backpack, and end the year off by making a trip to LA, stream sniping Ice, and calling out Kimi for the extremely mixed messages that she was sending me in our relationship. Very shortly after Leslie blocked me, Mickey messaged me on Twitter and he told me that he wanted to help me out, so I'm left under the impression that Kimi must've told him that I'd lost contact with Leslie and requested he start helping pass on messages. I started sharing my feelings and intentions with Kimi through Mickey past that point.
I informed her as I was leaving for my flight, when I landed in LA, and even approaching right before I actually stream sniped Ice. I gave her plenty of time and opportunity to contact me beforehand, and she didn't contact me in any way. This I took once again as the green light to go full speed head, stream sniping Ice and calling her out live for the roughly 20,000 people watching. As it became completely clear that Kimi had no intention to ask me to stop as far as stream sniping Ice, I got ready, looked myself in the mirror and prepared to do what I was about to do, and got an Uber.
I was really excited throughout that car ride, and I had to try pretty hard to stay calm. After all, I was heading to an internet celebrity's house to call out another internet celebrity that I still consider to this day to be my soulmate. I made small talk with my Uber driver as you usually do and within a few minutes I had reached Ice's house. I could immediately tell that I was at the right place, as I instantly recognized the exterior of the building. The lights were on and I could see nobody inside in the kitchen or living room areas through all the clear glass windows at the front of the house.
As I approached the front of Ice's house, I sat at the table in the porch and I tuned into his stream. He was live he was messing around as I expected, so I figured that I should probably give him a donation to get his attention to get him to come to the door. So I dropped him $25 USD and I told him I was waiting outside his house because I wanted to talk. He seemed to miss that donation entirely, so I sent another one. I read the second one, but he didn't come to the door. I talked in his Discord server and sent him another donation telling him that I'm right outside his house, but he still didn't come to the door. I rang the doorbell a couple times.
I checked the stream, but it didn't seem like I could actually hear the doorbell, but I mentioned in Discord that I'm right outside the house and literally a couple people told me to try just straight up opening the door. Sounded extremely stupid to me, but I figured hey what the hell maybe his door is actually open, so I turned the door knob and to my surprise the door was actually unlocked. After I jumped in excitement for a moment, I realized that now it was my chance. I saw Ice mention that he was going to the studio to record some rap, and he was going to do that in a couple hours so at that point I knew it was now or never. After I got over my excitement that the door was open and I was about to stream snipe Ice successfully after I traveled a six hour flight to LA to be able to do so, I walked in, closed the door behind me, and I made my way to Ice's room.
I had an idea of where Ice's room was from watching past streams, and I was pretty sure I'd found it pretty quickly, but I wanted to make sure and I still didn't know if there was anyone else home, so I was a little worried. I made my way through the living room area and down the hallway for the bedrooms. As I went straight down the hallway, to my right was a room with a door closed that I was pretty certain was Ice's room, and I could hear him inside so I very quickly realized it was indeed his room. At this point, I briefly glanced to the hallway at my left and I noticed that all the doors along it were open and nobody else seemed to be home. I didn't want to waste any time, and I was really excited to finally get to do what I'd come to do, so I swung open the door to Ice's room.
"Hey bro, what's up?" I told Ice as I barged into his room. He was definitely surprised and he pretty much instantly turns the camera to face me, then asked me who the hell I am.
I definitely caught Ice off guard, and he actually mentioned it to me that I should've knocked beforehand. In retrospect, I realized that he was right and I probably should have knocked before entering, but everything worked out, overall he was pretty chill and in the end he gave me almost an hour of time on his stream and he was pretty respectful for the most part. He was obviously curious about why I was there, what I was doing, my goals... He was even very willing to give me quite a bit of attention; he went as far as to insist on sending Kimi a tweet on my behalf, telling her that she should meet me. After we talked for a good while, a couple of Ice's friends came in and eventually I was escorted out.
Overall, it was really fun and interesting.
I got my message out there and I achieved what I set out to do in coming to LA on that trip. As I said, I was in contact with Kimi through Mickey, and I continued to send her messages afterwards asking to meet her while I was in LA and then later as she seemed to express that she was upset that our relationship seemed to be over, I continued to send her messages telling her that I still love her and that I was maintaining that as I had told her before, I went to stream snipe Ice's stream not out of hatred but that I just wanted her to give me attention and acknowledge my love for her and that I had meant what I said and I still wanted to make things between us work.
The year ended that way.
I thought that was it and I'd end up going into isolation not very long after 2019 started, but Kimi continued to show me warmth. I was just shocked at first and didn't know how to react.
At the beginning of 2019, Kimi started expressing that she likes to talk out issues she has with people and she started making it seem that she was missing me and she wanted to try to make things better. After I started sending a few more messages, one of the messages I sent just rapidly started evolving and becoming larger and larger, and before I knew it I was writing the beast that has now become The International Ultimatum. It took me more than 2 months to finish The International Ultimatum, and the whole time, I would make several changes, proofread the whole thing, send Kimi a revised update telling her what I changed, and she would proceed to communicate her thoughts and desires further in her following streams. In that way, I worked through The International Ultimatum with Kimi's input.
After 10 revisions, it was finally complete. I dropped it by starting drama in her Discord server, and I also mentioned it in Ice's Discord server. Surprisingly, it was actually removed from Ice's Discord server faster than it was removed from Kimi's. After that, Kimi continued to communicate that she wanted to take things more seriously with me in the near future, to which I continued to respond warmly to and contemplate on and communicate with her that I wanted to happen. After a little while of that though, she basically told me that she wasn't going to do it, and this left me very sad and angry but I knew that I still love her and I still wanted to see what I could do to possibly make the situation work. After this point, I decided that instead of just sending her messages through Mickey, I had to start making lengthy blog posts on my website that I would post publicly and allow anyone to view.
I was already using a completely custom website system that I coded from scratch myself, but it didn't have a blog set of functionality, so the first thing I did was I coded an entire set of blog related functionality so my website supported having a blog. It didn't take very long nor was it particularly difficult, and before I knew it I had a blog on my website along with everything else. I started to post lengthy blog posts about things I was thinking on my mind, largely messages that I wanted Kimi to read and think about and hopefully respond positively to. She continued to react, albeit low-key like usual, but regardless was continuing to communicate her thoughts and desires to me through her stream.
So at this point, I'd tried so hard, communicated so much, spent hours and hours every single day for almost the last 3 months writing by far the biggest thing I'd ever written in my life, and Kimi literally just laughed in my face and basically told me, "Nope, you got fucked, gottem". Holy shit was I mad. I seemed to have gotten absolutely nowhere with all of my efforts, so I decided that perhaps instead of being so hopeful that things would work out, it might be a better approach to simply give up and move forward from there. I started contemplating on and writing about how I was going to destroy the world by going into full meditation soon, explaining my plan in considerable detail on what I was going to do.
I started to feel extremely disrespected and simply inadequate to end up being with Kimi, and I figured that it must simply be my fate to single-handedly destroy the world in the future, considering that I already knew I absolutely needed Kimi in my life forever or I was certainly going to head down that path, and I didn't think Kimi was going to contact me ever. I gave her until the end of July to contact me if she had any intention to do so and told her clearly that if she didn't, I was going to give up. She kept communicating, kept reacting, kept showing me affection throughout all of July, and somehow she managed to make me decide not to just completely give up even though she didn't contact me by end of July, and she instead convinced me to give her until the end of the year.
I wasn't content simply waiting for the year to pass though. I spent my time mostly in deep contemplation and reflection, wondering what my chances of her reaching out to me really were, and what I could possibly do in order to maximize my chances, so if I didn't get what I wanted, I could at least enter that complete isolation and proceed to start meditating to destroy the world with no regrets. I ended up deciding to write a book about it.
She continued to surprise me.
As far as I'm concerned, Kimi very clearly has very strong feelings for me. It may seem questionable to others what her feelings towards me are, but I have an immense amount of trouble believing she doesn't actually love me a lot. Like, to the point that I feel certain she's touched herself thinking about me.
I actually have Kimi's personal email address. Not her PayPal email. Not her business email. Not her manager's email. Not some throwaway spam email. This is her main personal email; you're not going to find it anywhere randomly on the internet. Don't worry about how I got it. Know that I've confirmed to both Mickey and Celine that I have it.
I've had it for a long time; I never did anything with it for a long time at first, though. After more than a year of having it and doing nothing with it, I decided to email her a copy of The International Ultimatum around the beginning of 2019 after I completed it; I continued to refrain from sending her anything for quite some time past that point too, though.
After I started communicating to Kimi that I was writing a book and that I thought I should just give her space since I felt she wanted me gone, she was persistent to get my attention. She acted in such a way that made me feel strongly that she'd feel abandoned and deeply hurt if I didn't continue communicating with her.
I've been emailing her regularly since August 29th. I know she reads my messages. She's been reactive on stream every time. I decided to start sending her emails because as I was distancing myself from her to write my book in silence because I felt like she didn't want me to bother her anymore and I told her that's what I was going to do, she started to act crazy and play music on stream expressing intense affection and, combined with certain things she was saying, especially about her fame causing her to have really strained relationships with certain people that she felt were very special to her, making me feel very clearly that she didn't want me to distance myself from her like that. I felt touched and I knew I didn't want to leave her scared and hurting.
I didn't actually want to distance myself from her, I'd simply thought I had to do so because I was trying to be considerate to her. I thought I was just being creepy with all my communication through Mickey and she wanted me to stop; just shut up, write my book, release it, and go into isolation and leave her alone so she could enjoy the remaining couple years of society before the world ends. When I saw her wanting me to keep communicating with her, it made me certain I had to keep trying to make our relationship work.
It felt wrong to simply send her mundane messages though, so I decided I had to start really opening up to her in a way I hadn't before. There was only one thing I could think of. I had her personal email address. I had used that same email to send her The International Ultimatum on its final revision, and I decided that it was now time to start sending her messages to that email instead of communicating to Mickey, and this time the messages I would send her would be very personal and intimate and opening up to her about every single thing that I ever wanted to say to her that I hadn't felt comfortable saying before because our communication hadn't been direct.
My first message to her was an extremely intimate message where I told her about all my sexual desires and interests. It was very personal and very intimate. I went as far as to explicitly tell her how many times I jerked off to her that day, along with including dick pics. I told her I wanted to send her intimate messages every single day from then on, until she either starts dating me officially, or I end up giving up on humanity and go into complete isolation at the start of next year to start meditating using quantum energy harvesting techniques to destroy the world.
I wanted to be very considerate to the fact that she might've found such a message creepy, so I told her there were multiple ways she could communicate to me, directly or indirectly, that she didn't like it. She could email me back and tell me to stop. She could block me on Twitter. She could simply express generally feeling creeped out on her following stream and I'd get the message. She chose to do nothing of the sort, and instead remained seemingly receptive, so I continued to send her messages. They continued to be very intimate and involving both updates on my progress as well as sexual things. I'd mention how much I'd touched myself to her that day; pretty much always at least six times.
After a few days, I still hadn't gotten any direct response from her, and even what I was interpreting as receptive behavior from her on stream I recognized could be considered vague and most other people would probably tell me I'm just seeing what I want to see. I started feeling creepy and I didn't like it, so I decided to stop sending her emails and just work on my book and see what happens. One day passed and nothing, but the following day, she started her stream playing a song expressing that she wasn't sure if I was gone but she just wanted me to come back to her. Yeah, less than 48 hours without sending her an intimate message literally including telling her about how much I'm touching myself to her, and she already started crying out for me to come back to her and keep sending her messages.
That's definitely not a coincidence.
I found it confusing that she wanted me to keep going but didn't want to actually message me back directly, but I love her with all of my heart and I knew I had to try to discern the truth further. I immediately wrote up an email for her, and this time I told her something subtle but specific that she could do if she wanted to communicate to me that she wanted to intentionally turn me on, telling her I'd jerk off to her even more than usual if I saw her do it the following stream. I decided that if she actually did it, I should no longer feel creepy sending her intimate messages and instead just happily do so from that point forward, regardless of if she directly responded to me or not.
She did it. Not just once either; she actually went in and very clearly showed me she wanted to turn me on a lot, doing it multiple times in a single stream sometimes even, during following streams since. Hearing from me that she actually turned me on a lot and I jerked off more than usual to her when she did it seems to have turned her on, and that makes me very happy.
I've been sending her emails regularly since she responded that way, and she continues to be warm to me and receptive to the messages. I know I'm sending these emails to the right place too, because her little account picture shows up on stream as she's logged into Google Chrome, when she pulls up clips on stream to react to them. That's the same account picture that I see on Gmail for the email I'm sending messages to.
I've mentioned other things she could do since, which she's also done. She's also enjoyed when I told her how much I liked it too. She's even went above and beyond things I've asked her in her attempts to turn me on and make me feel good.
Some may have noticed around this time that Kimi was making strange sounds and literally moaning in a sexual way sometimes. When she did it, I saw her chat filling with people spamming question marks and people telling her to stop. You know why? I told her I really like her voice and it turns me on. I didn't even ask her to moan; she just decided to start moaning because she wanted to turn me on.
That's just one example.
Kimi's the perfectly voluptuous goddess of my wildest fantasies and I love her with all of my heart and I absolutely need her in my life forever. Don't think that I don't know darker or more private things about her either when I consider her so highly. I'm not putting her on a pedestal, I simply recognize the immense value that she has in my life and have no issue very clearly expressing it.
I know Kimi very well, including her negative attributes, and I still feel this way about her.
I know that as much as I know about her, there are certainly things she's kept hidden from me, because she likes to hide things and portray herself as an angel as much as possible to the general public. I'm not completely certain what these things may be, but I know that if I'm already okay with all the things I do know about her, none of these things at all should change how I feel about her.
I've literally told her she could have a penis (which I highly doubt to be clear; I'm mentioning this to prove a point) and although that's not something I've ever hoped for, even that wouldn't change my position and I'd still love and accept her as she is. I absolutely mean that.
I've never been so foolish as to genuinely assert nor believe for even a moment that Kimi's incapable of pursuing and obtaining a relationship with someone other than myself. She's very clearly an individual who holds attributes, both physically and mentally, that would be desirable to many. However, knowing her quite well, I'm in a position to assert that it takes an individual of a very specific core value and mentality to truly be able to fully recognize, accept, appreciate, and respect the person that I choose to believe and assert that she is deep inside.
As a result, while acquiring a relationship in general wouldn't be something difficult at all for Kimi to achieve, it would be extremely difficult for her to obtain one with sufficient quality and depth such that it would be both very viable and very pleasant to very seriously consider extending to become a lifelong partnership with anyone other than I. If one is to believe the concept of a soulmate truly exists and is obtainable within one's lifetime, such a concept holds no greater potential for validity in the lives of Kimi and I than in the connection that we share.
Kimi probably currently feels extremely insecure and has convinced herself she's already lost me, but I swear on my life she hasn't lost me yet, and she won't unless she doesn't start officially dating me soon. If she does lose me in the end, not only does she lose the most valuable and loving romantic connection she could ever have in her entire life, she's also going to end up losing whoever she abandons me for, along with her friends, family, sanity, and overall will to live. She has a personality where she's quick to pity herself and try her best to cope, so she might not recognize things this way yet, but I'm absolutely certain she'll start to see it more and more clearly as time goes on, and I can only hope it doesn't happen when it's already too late for her to do something positive about it to change the direction she's currently heading in.
Kimi needs to understand that she is currently having her ego massively overinflated by letting the support of her friends and community, combined with the flattery I'm giving her by chasing her so passionately and being honest in saying on multiple occasions that I find her to be the most perfectly voluptuous goddess of my wildest fantasies, result in her having a very false sense of superiority over me, and she needs to wake up. The reality is that while I'm willing to be very understanding and fair towards her because I want an extremely loving, affectionate, and healthy relationship that we can both see and work towards lasting the rest of our lives, we're actually on much more even ground than it may seem to most people in terms of what we have to offer each other. We both have a lot of deeply loving affection, sexual satisfaction, and professional progress to offer each other, far greater than what anyone else could ever give us.
Think about this for a moment. Right now, I'm a single person with no really acknowledged global presence, fighting against Kimi, her friends, her community, and pretty much the entire world, all at the same time, and I'm quite certain she can already tell she's getting quite concerned about how things may end up. Imagine when this book is finished and I start making waves and building more of a following, very likely comprised of at least some very dangerous people, how scared she's going to be.
Even then, the fear is just the beginning, because the only reason the fear is even there in the first place is because there is very good reason to be afraid, because it's the actions that will certainly follow, which will be very harmful if Kimi ends up establishing herself as my biggest enemy who was actually doing all of what she did out of unrestrained malicious intent, which will actually be where things get terrifying. I'm not saying this because I want her terrified, I'm saying this because I truly love her with all of my heart and I've always wanted to prevent any bad things from ever happening to her.
I suppose it'll take this book being released for her and everyone around her to more fully realize and be able to internalize everything.
Kimi was fortunate enough to start seeing results from her professional efforts very early on, consistently see more results from her continued efforts as she progressed, and be placed in an environment from the beginning that constantly facilitated her growth by regularly providing her with opportunities to connect and make value exchanges with other parties. This is why the kind of approach I'm taking with writing this book would never work for her. But I'm in the entirely opposite position; while Kimi succeeded with all the odds in her favor, I've succeeded in even reaching the position to write this book in the first place going against all the odds.
It seems to me like Kimi clearly has feelings for me, but she also seems to clearly want me to be questioning it perhaps even to an unhealthy level, and I need to make it as clear as I can to her that I don't like nor appreciate the latter portion of her feelings and desires.
There must be something negative she's holding on to that's leaving her feeling insecure and leading to this hurtful behavior. I hope she'll see before it's too late that it's unhealthy and she needs to let go of it and start having a healthy relationship with me. Continuing to act so destructive will leave us both miserable and the world being destroyed. I'm not trying to be scary or mean, but seriously, this isn't a game. I love her more than words can describe.
Whatever I did that hurt her, I'm sorry. I'm genuinely really sorry. For all of it. I've meant it every time I said that I always just wanted a healthy loving relationship with her. We've had a really rough connection and I truly want nothing more than to make things right. I only want to be kind and loving to her in the future. She's everything to me.
I know for certain that if I have to leave her alone for years and go into isolation, any chance at a healthy relationship between us is completely gone. Destroying the world will be the only thing I'll be left driven to do. Things have to get better between us while they still can, otherwise there's truly no way this could ever work, and it's only downhill from there.
This book is literally me swearing on my life that I'll try my hardest to be the best partner I could ever be to her and that I want nothing more in my life than to have her reciprocate that position towards me. She needs to in order for us to have a healthy relationship and that's what I want for us.
What more do you think she can expect from me?
I truly want nothing but the best for her and I know she's going to end up really hurt if she doesn't move past whatever's holding her back. I have so much reason to have hard feelings and act destructive but I continue to put it all aside because I truly love her with all of my heart and I'm willing to be gentle enough with myself and her to give us a real chance. I know it's scary. I'd be lying if I said I'm not worried. But I also know that I love her far too much for that to stop me.
I've said it before and I'll say it again. I've never wanted to hurt her. I still don't. But I want her. I'll always want her. I don't care about living if I can't have her. I'm serious when I say I'll throw away any fame or any other benefits this world has to offer if I can't have her. I'm going to carry through on every single thing contained in my book as of its release. Whether Kimi tries to help me get fame or any other benefits or not, the outcome is the same if I can't be with her.
I haven't just written it in the book because it sounds good.
I know she's been reading every single email I've been sending her. I know she intentionally did all those low-key intimate things I talked to her about and then some. There's absolutely no way it was all a coincidence. I'm still very worried, but I also still see reason to hope for the best, and I want her to know I truly want things to work out well between us.
Towards the release of this book, Kimi revealed pretty clearly to me that she's been in my Discord server. First, I'd like to simply share a message she sent quite some time before she started making it very obvious who she was.
Got you. You're mine now. For the rest of the day, week, month, year, life. Have you guessed who I am? Sometimes I think you have. Sometimes when you're standing in a crowd I feel those sultry, dark eyes of yours stop on me. Are you too afraid to come up to me and let me know how you feel? I want to moan and writhe with you and I want to go up to you and kiss your mouth and pull you to me and say "I love you I love you I love you" while stripping. I want you so bad it stings. I want to kill the ugly girls that you're always with. Do you really like those boring, naive, coy, calculating girls or is it just for sex? The seeds of love have taken hold, and if we won't burn together, I'll burn alone.
When she sent this, I was shaken. I thought someone was trolling me extremely hard. More recently, she's made it obvious it's actually her. She's been putting herself down. I've addressed it to her personally and I'm going to do so here as well. I told her to stop. It doesn't make things any better if she calls herself a fraud or a whore or a piece of shit or anything else. She's truly extremely special and completely irreplaceable to me. I would've never had the drive to write this book if that wasn't the case.
When I saw her doing this, I became concerned if it was a cry to communicate more warmly before the book was released. I offered it to her that if she wanted to start communicating with me before this book is released, I wanted her to know I'm truly open to it. As long as she understood that she truly is extremely special and irreplaceable to me and my position is unwavering on wanting to start officially dating her before the end of the year or this world is heading straight towards destruction, I was completely willing to discuss any changes/improvements she'd like to see in the book before its release.
She didn't email me but she continued to communicate things on stream. I continued to pay attention.
The month before releasing this book, October 2019, I gave her $400 USD in donations; a $300 one and a $100 one. I'd promised the $300 one as a late birthday present and also to show her that I wasn't trying to be spiteful or malicious when I gave that amount to Ice to make him feel more comfortable letting me expose her on his stream. I gave the $100 after because she reacted warmly to the first one and also because I wanted to do something more to show I wasn't just doing things out of guilt but rather because I actually really value our connection.
I originally promised to release the initial version of this book on November 1st and it ended up being about a week late. The reason was twofold: I had made a bank transfer waiting for additional money as I was planning to make another $300 USD donation right before releasing the book, and also to proofread the book. There was a very considerable amount of improvements I made as I spent many hours every day going over everything. I was communicating with her the whole time and making sure I paid attention to any final thoughts she was sharing. I sent her an email with picture proof that I made a bank transfer and also that I'd been continuing to subscribe to her on Twitch for quite some time even despite being banned from her channel.
I explained to her ahead of time how I'd originally thought things would go.
I'm going to make this donation. Then I'm going to release the book by switching my existing temporary homepage with the cover and table of contents to a page with the contents of the book all on one page (website view of the book) and on that page there will be buttons for downloading the PDF both from a direct download link on my server as well as a Google Drive mirror. Then I'm going to post a tweet on my profile releasing the book with the Google Drive link to it so people aren't sketched out by a shady looking link. Then I'm going to multi-reply to that tweet with a thread of multi-mentions to all the relevant parties, so Kimi, her friends, everyone on Hits, everyone on Honorable Mentions, FBI, CIA, Interpol, Trump, news agencies, etc. Then I'm going to submit that message I showed earlier to the FBI via their tips page.
Then I'm going to start meditating already in all my spare time for the rest of this month. The only exception will be when I'm watching her stream. If she's going to talk to me, she needs to start by emailing me. If she doesn't talk to me, work out our relationship, and fly me out to LA to start dating her and living with her before December starts, I'm going to start going through all the VODs I've saved from all the streams I have evidence from, getting timestamps for shit. I'm going to prepare a whole video presenting all my evidence to expose the fuck out of her which will be released at the end of the year if we're not dating by then. Then I'm going to start getting everything ready and in place to start my complete isolation at a chosen location. If the end of the year comes and we're not officially together, bam, I drop the evidence and dip into isolation.
You think I haven't done this shit already because I'm scared? No. I love her. I care about her. I want to make this relationship work and I know that there's no way it could ever work if I straight up destroy her like that. That being said, if I end up realizing in the end that not only will it not work, but it's because she was being a stupid selfish clown bitch this whole time, yes, I'm going to destroy her. I have nothing to fear, since I'm going to go into isolation after. What is she going to do, sue me? She can go ahead and do that.
As the release of my book drew very close, I saw how she said she finds someone really smart strangely sexy and they're the kind of person she wants to date. Combined with how she said in my Discord that she's glad I find her very attractive, it seems quite clear she wants me under the impression she finds me at least somehow sexy and she wants to date me.
I don't know whether she's messing with me or not, but to the last moment she's giving me more evidence to prove what I did wasn't stalking, if not anything else. I really hope she's being honest, because the thought of being with her actually makes me so happy there's literally nothing in this world I could ever want more.
Her personality is strangely sexy to me too, but there's nothing at all strange to me about how sexy her body is to me. I'm not exaggerating when I say I literally think she's way hotter than even any KPop girl I've ever seen. Everything from her hair, skin, and voice, to her perfectly voluptuous goddess curves with the perfect boobs and butt is just breathtaking to me. I really mean it when I say she's gorgeous with or without make up too.
I don't care what anyone thinks. Physically and mentally, she's completely worth it to me. She's the most precious person in the entire world to me and she always will be. If anyone ever tries to put her down around me and especially if they try to tell me I could've done better or some shit, I'm not going to let them do that to her. I haven't been letting it happen online up to the release of this book, and if we end up together, I won't let anyone do it in person either.
I'm sensitive about these things. I mean it when I say I'd never laugh about it or pull some shit like "yeah I guess but her pussy good though" like guys would normally do. I'm sure she'll understand why I say I'm a girl, but I also feel just as certain that she'll love it a lot more than she could ever like the way a normal guy would treat her.
I want her to remember that all of these deeper and harder dialogues between us up to this point are to set foundation and because we're not actually spending time together. If she dates me, I feel quite certain she'll be very good to me, especially since I want to be very good to her and I know she'll see my efforts and affection. I don't just want to be her lover, I want to be her best friend too; someone she could never imagine her life without.
Another thing Kimi has expressed frustration or concern about is that I would've never wanted her if she was ugly. Well yeah, if she was fat and ugly, she would've never put herself out there on Twitch, so of course I wouldn't have looked her way. I wouldn't have even known she existed. But if you're going to start talking about things she's clearly not, you might as well replace being fat and ugly with having been too scared or short-tempered to handle me, and even if I looked her way, our connection would've never came this far either.
If she looked like a dude, I would've never gone for her either. I don't only like her for her appearance just because I find her appearance very appealing. It hurts that she's so depressed that she feels like she's not really worth loving beyond her looks, but I hope I can show her I really do see more to her than that if she really is feeling that way about all this.
If I was going to think like that, I could also flip that on her and say that if I was chiseled and shit with a really hot body, I could've been a massive douchebag or a dumbass or just have money and she'd still hop on my dick instead of giving me such a hard time. On that note, if I wasn't at least really smart and powerful like I am, she wouldn't have cared to get this far with me either.
We're not dealing with what-ifs. We're dealing with what is. She's not fat nor ugly and I'm not stupid nor weak.
It's okay, I understand. She's been hurt. She's nervous, upset, and unsure what I'm even really hoping to gain out of all of this. I'm working through this with her because I want things to get better.
I don't just think about sex you know. I think about the times in silence holding each other. I think about how she's going to want to watch anime with me and I'll be more interested in gently playing with her hair. I think about her wanting to take me around places and thinking I'll be bothered but me being totally cool with it and her being pleasantly surprised I enjoy simply spending time with her so much. I think about us both pleasantly surprising each other with the tenderness and kindness we only vaguely imagined from each other.
If she really loves me, everything will be okay. The doubts and worries she has now will pass.
I'm not going to have angry fights with Kimi or anyone else. I don't need that in my life and I certainly never wanted it. I mean it when I say I'm going into complete isolation to meditate to destroy the world if I can't be with Kimi. I've already accepted this and already thought the whole thing through to the point that I have absolutely no fears about it, I simply hope that it doesn't come to that. But if it does, I'm ready, I'm willing, and I'm going to show this world no mercy.
I'm going to assume Kimi's giving me attitude more than anything else because she's scared about what's going to happen after this book is released and she feels like she'd rather not deal with it. I don't know if she'll ever improve her attitude, but what I do know is that I'm definitely releasing this book and I definitely want to be with her in a healthy and loving relationship forever. I don't care how impossible it may seem to many, but I think it's possible and I know I want it to happen.
I've said it before; I made a mess and I'm cleaning it up. I told Kimi that I knew from the first time I started drama that I wanted her forever and I was doing it planning and hoping to be able to fix things. I meant it. I'm not a cuck and I'm not a pussy, nor will I ever be those things. I'm a Permanent Chief of the Shadow Confederation. I'm a fucking savage and I'm going to prove it to Kimi and everyone else.
If I have to go into isolation and destroy this world, I want to know that I'm doing it letting go of any tension in my heart that would make me second-guess my choices. I need to know that Kimi never loved me and never will if I'm going to do this, and whether or not we're dating in a tender, loving, and affectionate relationship soon that seems like it should really last forever is going to give me the answer.
Saying she loved me but she's over it isn't acceptable. Telling me to find other girls isn't acceptable. Telling me to accept fame and money from my efforts and try to get happiness some other way isn't acceptable. I'm not weak nor a clown, and I refuse to let anyone in this entire world treat me that way, especially the person I care about the most that I absolutely need a fair and healthy relationship with if I'm not going to become extremely destructive. If she respects me at all, she'll date me and we can make this work. If not, I care less about this entire world than Kimi cares about me.
And I have very good reason to.
I know with how much I've talked about touching myself, it may seem like I practically jerk off all day. Yeah, no. Even if I'm jerking off three or four hours a day, I'm awake for 15 or more, and I'm being productive working on my book the vast majority of the time. That means I'm spending at least 1012+ hours working, roughly at least three times the amount of time I'm jerking off.
I don't take days off where I just watch anime (or any other shit) or play games all day. I never sleep in. I don't have dogs or pets or shit to comfort me. I don't have friends nor family to rely on for any kind of support. It's literally me against the world and I bust my ass all day every day chasing my goals and dreams. So what if I'm jerking off a few hours a day, I'm working multiple times as hard. Just as consistently.
It's been like this ever since I turned 19.
I can count the amount of days I've done absolutely nothing in the past five years on my hands. I didn't become this savage by being a lazy fuck.
Kimi seems to think that the only reason I can throw around what she considers loose statements like "I won't care about money or fame without you" is because I haven't experienced them, and that my perspective would suddenly change if I did.
I don't need to jump off a cliff without a parachute to know I won't like falling to my death. In the exact same way, I don't need to be alone and rich to know I'll still be depressed and unsatisfied with hookers. In the exact same way, I don't need to be famous and alone to know I'll still feel empty as fuck with all the attention from people that are more interested in a product or service I provide than me as a person or that I wouldn't be able to trust due to all the traumas I've endured in my life anyways even if there were people actually really interested in me as a person. In the exact same way, I don't need to try picking up or dating tons of women from bars, clubs, or the street to know that my soul will be so crushed if I lose Kimi that I'll never care to even try loving ever again.
While this switching up phenomenon may indeed be the case for most people, most people also don't have a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension and as a result have (a usually considerable amount of) active ego. Their active ego is the reason they switch up like that.
Let's once again take a look at the 5 fundamental traits that a person without any active ego (meaning they have refined pure bidirectional apprehension as their core value) will never demonstrate:
Basically, anyone with an active ego is prone to doing all these things. Take a good look. Don't these all sound like things people who switch up do? Yeah, because they are. They all come from active ego. It's all the same shit; the shit that I've worked my whole life to rid every bit of my personality and lifestyle of.
When I'm saying that we have to end up together, I'm not holding Kimi to my standards. I'm holding her to her own. She considers herself to not be a complete piece of shit. She considers herself not to be a complete moron. She considers herself deserving of someone that truly cares about her deeply and has proved that to her over a long period of time.
I've communicated with Kimi a lot before deciding to release this book. Right up to the final moments before I did so, she was encouraging me to do it. I explained to her how committed I was to a positive outcome and the kind of negative impact it would have on her life if she didn't love me. I told her to think very carefully before making a decision. I'm only left believing that she's either very invested in making this work like I am, or she's extremely suicidal. I can only hope for the former.
I'm nothing like most people. It's not just me "being unique" in some wild way because I'm some fucking emo nonconformist edgelord teenager that's stuck mentally in some shallow bullshit where I'm trying to be a hippy. I'm not unique because I'm trying too hard to be cool. I'm unique because most people are weak-willed and have careless mentalities in a careless lifestyle and I don't live my life that way. Perhaps it's less than ideal to describe it so crudely in front of a large audience as it may come off intentionally offensive, but that's the uncensored simple truth.
No, it's not a case of "if everyone else tells you something, you're the problem."
Was I the problem when all the people who lost their lives because they challenged me and lost died? What does me calling out the Shadow Confederation in front of 20,000 people and yet I casually walk around the streets and remain alive to this day mean to you? You think you could do some kind of shit like that without being high-level or having high-level protection and hope to live? Especially without any fears of being harmed for it?
Most people throw judgement around quickly. Most people also get fucked up by more powerful people for that exact reason.
I'm actually literally as woke as it gets. Like, not the edgy woke; actually woke. Messing with me has costed others their lives already. They weren't people I was romantically interested or involved with. But nobody's treated me the way Kimi has, and she's actually extremely delusional if she thinks I'm not extremely invested in this relationship working out. Like, dangerously delusional. Mental asylum delusional. I'm having a really hard time believing she's that insane and I really hope that's not the case.
I already told Kimi what kind of plan I have to release this book. Even if I don't get national attention, you can bet I'm going to raise a lot of eyebrows. The government will start watching. Kimi's friends are going to start low-key hating her. I don't even know what her family would think if they found out. The Shadow Confederation will start planning to kill her. She can throw any chance of a healthy relationship with anyone other than me out the window; you think she'll be able to hide this book from them or that they'll want to stay with her after reading it?
Basically, her life is fucked if she throws me away. My life is fucked if I were to throw her away too, but I never had any intention to do that. With her, I'm really not sure she have as acute of an awareness of how serious what she's gotten herself into really is, even though I'm sure she's a lot smarter than she acts on stream. I understand part of it is a show and part of it is just knowing it doesn't matter so much to be super sharp about it. Don't get me wrong, if I actually thought she was a straight up dumbass, I would've never gone this far with her.
At the same time, I know I've upset her, and I know that it's possible she's so hurt it's blinding her.
That worries me a lot.
It doesn't even mean she's weak either. I know I've gotten overly jealous sometimes and jumped to conclusions I was wrong about. Even for all the strength my mentality has, the amount of pressure and emotional involvement this situation has on me hasn't allowed me to always see things completely clearly. I'd actually say she's extremely emotionally resilient for having come this far. We've both had our weak and strong moments. What's more important is that we're not judging each other for our weak moments and focusing on why we got this far in this in the first place.
I don't say anything in this book to try to scare her. I say this because I care about her very deeply. I say it because I can see she cares enough to read my messages and think about them and I can see that she has a lot of potential to blossom into an incredible human being that she probably thought was beyond her capabilities; a god, a goddess, whatever you want to call someone so incredible that she can look at herself and feel really good about herself and know that she deserves me and I deserve her and we're extremely powerful and we deserve it. I say it because I see a desire she has for greatness and I choose to believe she has it in her as well. I say it because I know this means something to her and I want to make sure that I tried my best to have it mean the right things.
I'm not doing this out of guilt nor out of feeling some kind of moral obligation. I won't allow Kimi to be with me simply because she feels morally obligated to do so and I've already told her that. She probably would feel some extent of moral obligation, which is fine, and I suppose she should, but it shouldn't be the only reason she's doing it; at this point, I think she'd have to really love me a lot if she did it at all, so I'm not really worried about that.
What I mean by that is that since I want a healthy relationship with a healthy foundation, I don't want to be with her if she's going to communicate to me essentially the message, "I don't actually love you but I don't want the world to end and I don't want everyone to hate me for causing it so I'll date you even though I don't really want to."
Worth mentioning is that although I won't date her under that circumstance, I'll still want to be with her, and the lack of viability changes nothing as far as my decision to go into isolation and destroy the world if we're not together. If she won't even give a real relationship with me a shot after everything we've been through and especially considering what's at stake, I don't care why or what anyone has to offer me in any other areas of life, my position isn't changing. The reason the relationship becomes nonviable doesn't change anything as far as future prospects in the case that we don't end up together.
I don't say this lightly. I know our connection must mean something to her; something deep. I know that if I can really communicate deep warmth and affection for her, it's going to get her thinking about what a relationship with me would really be like. She'll feel like not even giving it a shot means she could be missing out on a dreamy soulmate connection she never thought she could ever have. I feel certain she must've felt this before or there's no way she would've even gone this far with this kind of connection with me.
I know there are a lot of reasons to resist it, whether it's fear, shame, guilt, judgement, or insecurities; I know why I shouldn't have expectations. But I also know how dreamy she is to me and that if she sees me at all in the same way, I hold an appeal to her that nobody else ever could, and it's extremely strong. Faced with that kind of feeling, my threat of ending the world if she won't date me becomes merely the final push to make the decisive decision to act upon desires she's had for some time now already, and she wouldn't hold it against me nor do it solely out of feeling morally obligated; she'd actually be very happy that I finally managed to achieve such a thing and we could be together because of it. No matter how much reason I have to doubt, having hope at all means I have to believe the best in her, and that's what I'm going to do.
I know I've said some mean things to her before, but she needs to see things for what they really are right now. I respect her a lot. I care about her a lot. There's a lot on the line here for her, me, and the world.
She plays some really sassy music sometimes and I really don't know what it really means to her when she's doing that. For me, it doesn't matter how savage whatever music I listen to is, my heart looks at her and all I see is the most precious person in the entire world to me.
She needs to understand that she's far too deep to ever really forget me. Even if I go into isolation in the forest, my effect on her life is never really going away. It's going to be very negative without me in it. She needs to remember that it took both of us to get here; I'm not simply backing off, and that doesn't mean I don't respect her nor that I don't care about her. In fact, it means the opposite.
I refuse to think she's not worth my time simply because she's too confused and upset before the release of this book to really see where I'm coming from and talk to me with more warmth. I've always tried my best to understand her and I can understand that. She's still worth everything to me.
She always will be.
Several people have called me a stalker. I'm sure several more consider me one although they don't vocalize it. I'm not a fucking stalker. You know what the definition of a stalker is?
A person who harasses or persecutes someone with unwanted and obsessive attention.
You know how anyone who isn't in a mental asylum would treat me if I was really giving them unwanted attention for three whole fucking years? They'd be terrified. They'd show it clearly. They'd try to communicate to me that things will really never work and I should seriously give up. Very clearly. Over and over again. Without being wishy-washy about it. It would've never gotten to the point where I could be saying the things I'm saying with anywhere close to the kind of substance that I have when I talk about Kimi.
If Kimi was really just extremely scared because she knew I was capable of hurting her very badly if I wanted to, she'd already know it's going to get bad sooner or later, and she would've at least tried to have a heart-to-heart conversation with me already, before I went in front of 20,000 people on Ice's stream and made myself look absolutely insane, where she would've told me she's very sorry for making me feel so convinced she loves me but it was all a lie and it'll really never work and she genuinely wishes me the best in life but she can't ever find it in herself to love me so she really doesn't want me to do something so crazy all in the name of love as I was telling her I was. Then see what happens and never waver on her position past that point no matter what.
If you really feel stalked and want someone gone, you don't resist every attempt they make to push you away and stay away. You don't nearly start crying in front of hundreds of people and say you need motivational videos to get out of bed in the morning when they start getting distant. You don't call them the love of your life multiple times when they fight with you, publicly questioning your love for them and even your character as a person. You don't say you want to give up on a serious relationship for the rest of your life without them. You don't say that they make you wet when they call you a goddess and flatter you about how attractive and perfect they think you are.
You don't constantly read essay after essay that they send to you and constantly react in public, even low-key. You don't help them write a huge International Ultimatum even after they call you out in front of 20,000 people in public saying they're tired of your shit but they still love you and they're going to end the world if they can't be with you forever. You don't start expressing that you're theirs and that you don't feel normal or okay without them in your life after. You don't lead them to believe that you're unofficially dating following that. You don't constantly give them opportunities to warm your heart up more and more to having them in your life later on. You don't give them plenty of evidence to defend their position that you gave them plenty of reason to believe you wanted all the attention they gave you and then some. You just don't. Even a complete moron would know this. I think Kimi is smarter than she shows herself to be, and she certainly is smart enough to know this much about interacting with others.
All the idiots calling me a stalker clearly don't think very much before they throw their stupid opinions out into the open. I wonder if they're really so stupid that they think that kind of judgment would ever hold up in court. If this was really stalking, I'd be in a lot more potential trouble than just that. I'm well aware of what harassment, defamation of character, and slander are. But I have plenty of proof that I've had no bad intentions and I'm not being malicious here. I have absolutely no mixed feelings about whether or not I'm in the legal or moral right area here. There's a reason Kimi hasn't taken legal action against me, and it's not because she's scared. She knows very well that I'm not a bad person just because I've done what I did; what would really determine that is how I act moving forward.
I've told Kimi before that if this ends badly, it's going to be purely out of bad intentions from her end and not mine. I meant it completely and I've always been ready to prove it. I'm tired of these games and I'm tired of fighting. I never wanted things between us to be this way and enough is enough. I want to be with Kimi so badly. I want to be able to hold her and comfort her every single day. I want her to feel it well beyond any reasonable doubt that she'll always be my number one priority and that she's absolutely way more precious to me than anything else ever could be.
Sex. A fundamental driving force of reality. Many things would not exist today was it not for people's desires to be sexually satisfied. Much, both good and bad, comes as a result of sexual desire.
There was a time in my life where I thought I was asexual. I've always known I enjoyed sexual release from pleasuring myself, and that was something I was no stranger to from a young age. However, I've also always known that I find people to be nerve-wracking and often troublesome to deal with, and there was a point where my neurosis from interpersonal interaction was so strong that I wondered if sexual release from other people was simply not right for me.
After quite some time in that period where I thought like that, however, I came to realize that as much as sexual desire caused additional stress on top of the already seemingly daunting task of human interaction, instead of looking at it as something not worth investing effort into, it was instead most likely the one facet of human interaction that could make all the other troubles of dealing with people seem worth it.
For quite some time, I've known of the typical ways that people go about pursuit of sexual encounters with others. They each had their own set of upsides and downsides, but I could see their functional efficiency in achieving the goal. Of all the typical methods however, none of them ever sat very well with me and felt right as a way for me to meet, get to know, pursue, and eventually achieve sexual interaction with a woman. I knew I'd have to think outside the box and find a less traditional approach to achieve my goals.
Impure love, the kind most commonly seen in romantic relationships in today's society, especially newer ones, involves emotional pain being inflicted to instill a sense of indebtedness to provide sexual pleasure.
The reason why it's impure is because the sex drive is a fundamentally emotional facility, whereas a model of love where love is demonstrated in a rationalized transactional fashion is a fundamentally logical facility. In this way, the initial amount of trust required is quite low, and trust is instead purely forged over time, absolutely none being given to the other as something intrinsically recognized as what they're worthy of.
The kind of love I choose to believe and assert that me and Kimi have is pure love, involving conflict and conflict resolution, but never with the intent nor enjoyment to simply hurt the other person for any reason sexual or otherwise.
The reason why it's pure is because in this case, the model of love of is demonstrated in a fashion filled with trust and respect, making it a fundamentally emotional facility, which matches with the fundamental nature of the sex drive. Love isn't fundamentally gauged in any kind of transactional manner, but rather through seeing the other's emotional resilience and willingness to empathize in an emotionally fulfilling manner where the value of the relationship is constantly brought into question and either strengthened or weakened.
It's not that there is a "better" one between pure and impure love. Rather, it's more appropriate to determine which kind of love is more suitable for an individual based on several factors such as emotional state, partner's values, influence from previous relationships, stage of life, and perhaps most importantly of all, general preference and inclination towards one or the other within one's nature.
Both kinds of love can work very well or very poorly, and depending on the exact situation, it may very well be impossible, or at least not realistically achievable given restraints beyond one's control, to be able to accurately determine which type of love will work better in a relationship.
It's possible to switch between the kinds of love within the same relationship, although the effectiveness and consistency of attempting to do so can vary greatly. It can be done intentionally or happen naturally as the relationship progresses, and it can also happen periodically depending on the personality of at least one of the individuals within the relationship. For example, individuals who are bipolar are much more likely to attempt to switch between expecting both kinds of love periodically or even simply randomly on a whim. Interestingly, individuals with borderline personality disorder are conversely often more rigidly against switching around, most likely because they're more aware and in control of their inclination towards sporadic behavior, and would prefer to express love in a consistent fashion to help establish better consistency in their mentality and life in general.
The first time I became homeless, I stayed in a youth shelter. After not very long, it happened that a few homosexual men wanted to have sexual interactions with me. I've always known that sexual interactions with men were something I found extremely unappealing, and I was not even so much as slightly curious to experiment. I grew quite concerned with the interest I was being shown. Some weren't very aggressive and gave up quickly after I showed a distinct lack of interest. Others, I had the misfortune of having more difficulty dealing with.
There was a point where one of the more difficult to deal with men asked me if I'd ever even had sex with a woman. As I was a virgin and at that point still somewhat naively believed that honesty was always the best policy, I told him the truth that I hadn't. His immediate reaction was to question how I could possibly even know I was so into women without ever having even tried being with one. I immediately knew I had given a bad answer. That was how I ended up losing my virginity to a prostitute.
Even after being pressed like that, I knew my attitude was very firm, and retained my position with confidence. I stated that it was just a combination of not being great with women, not trying very hard because I was looking for a very attractive woman and the women around me in the past, while some had considerable appeal, were all not that attractive, and having an extremely heavy current focus on programming and building my career out of the ambitious project I'd been working on for years.
I followed that up with saying that if anything, I'd end up with a considerable amount of money from my efforts and I could just have sex with prostitutes I found considerably attractive, if I ended up having considerable trouble finding a woman when I started more actively looking for a partner. The man I was talking to, keep in mind he was homosexual and interested in sexual activities with me, was very doubtful. He told me that if I was a virgin then I must've never had sex with a prostitute, and that I didn't seem like I could even bring myself to go through with such a thing.
I knew I was very able and willing under the right circumstances, and considering that at that point I was a virgin at 21 and frustrated at that fact, combined with the fact that there was a very real chance I'd end up getting raped by men interested in me in that shelter, I didn't want to risk losing my virginity to getting raped by a man, so I decided it was time to have sex with a prostitute.
The shelter gave us meals and I didn't have anything else to spend the welfare money I was getting on, so I told the man I'd prove it by losing my virginity to a prostitute as soon as possible. I asked him where I could find a listing of prostitutes to pick one I liked from. He told me about Backpage, a site no longer up as the government shut it down. I had a laptop, so I opened it up, connected to the shelter's WiFi, and started looking for an attractive prostitute to lose my virginity to and be able to prove that I'm into women to all the men in that shelter that might have ended up raping me otherwise.
Soon enough, I found a woman I felt was attractive enough I'd feel satisfied losing my virginity to her.
The process seemed straightforward enough, even never having done it before. Get the money, call the woman, schedule an "appointment", arrive, pay, get what I paid for, thank her, and leave. I'm the type that likes to really go over things in my head a lot, until I've worked through a situation to an extent I feel is reasonably well to be able to feel sufficiently confident to go through with it, then proceed. Surprisingly, with this, it came quite naturally and I didn't feel the need to do that.
I knew there was an ATM not very far from the shelter I was at, and I could use it to withdraw the cash I'd need. Money, check. Next, I had to call her. I had a phone plan at the time, so that process was straightforward enough. I stepped outside of the shelter and into an area outside without anyone around so I could have a little privacy, then I called her.
I asked her if she was the woman named in the ad, she said yes, then asked me if I'd like to make an appointment. I said yes, but hesitated to say anything more immediately after, because I wasn't sure exactly how these kinds of calls were supposed to go down. She kindly asked me when I'd like to make the appointment for. I told her as soon as possible and that I could reach the intersection listed on the ad in about 30 minutes. She informed me that worked for her, proceeded to tell me the exact address of the building to go to, told me to call her once I got there, then told me "I'll see you soon baby", to which I replied with a simple "OK", and the meeting was set.
Confirmation, check. I was excited.
There were a few guys at the shelter that knew I was about to go lose my virginity to a hooker and they were waiting for me back at the shelter. I went to shower, wear new clothes, brush my teeth, and prepare to set on my way. They asked me what happened and if it was going down. I told them everything's set and I'm leaving there right away. They asked me a little about how the conversation went down; I'm assuming they might've not even believed I actually did it.
I went to the ATM, withdrew the money I needed to give this woman, and started heading towards the address she gave me. After about 30 minutes, I was there. I called her. She instructed me to enter the entrance accessible from the side, giving me the number to enter to be buzzed in. She told me to take the elevator to the top floor and gave me her room number.
After taking the elevator to the floor she instructed, finding her room, and knocking on the door, I was greeted by a very attractive woman in a loose dress smiling at me. She was just as hot as she looked in the pictures. I wasn't disappointed at all.
"Hello baby, come inside," she told me very shortly after she made eye contact.
She gently grabbed my hand and I followed her inside. She locked the door behind us and took me to a dimly lit bedroom.
"Money?" she said with her arm extended to receive the cash.
"Of course, right here," I said as I took out the envelope in my pocket with the cash.
She looked at me a little confused as she opened the envelope, but she started smiling as she took out the cash. I told her I'm a virgin and it's my first time doing something like this, and I read online that it's respectful to put the money in an envelope. She counted it, then told me that she'd be right back and to take my clothes off. I took my clothes off as she told me to and waited for her to return.
After she returned, she slid the top parts of her dress off her shoulders and it fell onto the floor. I finally got a view of her completely naked body and I was immediately turned on. Since she was facing me, I couldn't get a view of her butt yet, so my eyes went straight to her breasts. They looked to be at least a C-cup, probably closer to a D-cup. Very nice. Her skin was smooth, hairless, and her naked figure was very arousing.
I could immediately feel my dick starting to get hard.
I raised my hands to grab her breasts and she took them and placed them on her breasts, gently squeezing. I felt up her breasts with a smile on my face as she smiled right back at me, and I told her they felt very nice. She slowly brought her face close to mine, and as I gently released my grip on her breasts, we had a few short kisses on the lips. I took the opportunity to reach my arms around her body and grab her butt, gently squeezing and feeling it up. She looked at me with a smile on her face for a short while, then slowly turned around to give me a full view of her butt. Very nice. Not quite as big as I would've liked, but it was pretty close.
My dick started getting harder.
After staring and touching it for a little while longer, I moved my body closer to hers, gently pressed my half-hard dick up against her butt, and slowly started rubbing up against her. After a short while, she started getting into it too, gently rubbing up and down against me. I reached my hands around her body and grabbed her breasts once again, gently feeling them up as she was rubbing her butt up against my dick. It wasn't very long before I was rock hard.
She slowly stopped rubbing up against me and turned back around to face me.
"Lie down on the bed baby," she told me.
How could I resist?
I lied down on the bed as she opened a drawer in the nightstand beside the bed and took out a condom. After she ripped the wrapper open and took the condom out, she made her way to the lower half of my body, slowly stroked my dick a few times, and gently slid the condom on it. Then she started sucking it.
"It feels very good baby," I told her. She'd already called me baby more than once at that point, so I figured what the hell, why not?
She gently moaned in response and it turned me on so much I felt my cock throb inside her mouth. She moaned again.
"Just like that baby, you're doing a great job," I assured her.
She gently moaned once again and my cock throbbed in her mouth once again. I was impressed that I hadn't already came at that point, and it would've certainly been a shame to cum before I even actually had vaginal intercourse with her, so I was feeling very good about the whole thing. After she sucked me like that for a while longer, she eventually took my dick out of her mouth.
"Are you ready for my pussy baby?" she looked at me with a smile on her face and asked sweetly.
"Of course baby," I told her.
How could I not be? I wasn't trying to cum from just a blowjob.
She got on the bed, got on top of me cowgirl style, grabbed my rock hard cock, rubbed it against her vagina briefly, and then slid it inside. She moaned as she slid it all the way inside her and then started riding me.
"Your pussy feels very good baby," I told her.
Yeah, I was just having fun at this point.
"Thank you baby, your cock feels very good inside me too," she assured me.
She rode my cock for over five minutes before I came, both of us moaning and my cock throbbing many times. It doesn't sound like very long, but considering I got my dick sucked beforehand as well and on top of that I was a virgin going into the experience, I was very pleasantly surprised that I actually lasted so long for my first time, especially since she was riding me really hard and fast the whole time and clearly trying to make me cum as quickly as possible.
Because I have an extremely high sex drive, I was still really horny even after I came, especially because I had a really attractive naked woman in front of me. She told me I only paid to cum once, but I started jerking off in front of her and asked her if I could at least jerk off to her while she watched and cum once more before leaving. She was resistant at first, but eventually agreed to give me a quick handjob to make me cum a second time before I left.
After I came the second time, I thanked her, put my clothes back on, we had a couple more small kisses on the lips, then I left.
When I got back to the shelter, the guys asked me if I'd gone through with it. I told them I had and I enjoyed it. They asked me if I'd paid her the full amount and what we did, and I told them I had and explained that she'd been very good to me. They seemed to believe it, and I thought that was the end of my fears of being raped there, and also hopefully my end with prostitutes as well. Although I did want to lose my virginity and I had no regrets because the sex with that woman had felt quite nice, I saw how significant the lack of an existing, and especially deep, emotional connection with a woman was for me in regards to sex.
Even after just having sex once, I could already tell that while it'd feel nice the first few times regardless of a lack of emotional connection being present and especially if the woman is very physically attractive, it wouldn't be at all satisfying for me as a lifelong paradigm from which to look at sex. There were actually points in my life in the past before that experience where I'd thought very seriously that perhaps sex with prostitutes for the rest of my life truly was the way to go for me; that I should just make a lot of money and all the physical intimacy with very attractive Asian prostitutes would compensate for a complete lack of any real emotional connection.
After having sex with a prostitute just once, and for no lack of her physical sex appeal nor physical pleasure received by her in the sexual encounter I paid for, I already came to realize that I absolutely had to find a meaningful relationship with a woman where she not only wasn't actually a prostitute, but whom I also didn't feel compelled to treat like a trashy slut or whore to any degree.
Unfortunately, it wasn't very long before I started getting bothered again by gay guys in the shelter.
I wanted to act fast to diffuse these guys getting any wrong ideas. I decided I had to go have sex with a prostitute again, otherwise it seemed like those guys thought I'd just tried it out and was only acting like I liked it. I suppose I could even understand their view to some extent; after having had a taste of sex, especially with a really attractive woman, I wanted more. I went through the same procedure and had sex with the same prostitute once again. Very similar sensations to the first time. The physical contact felt great, but the lack of an emotional connection really sucked.
After I came back from the second time of having sex with a prostitute at that point in my life, I was questioned once again by the dudes in the shelter. This time they seemed a lot more convinced I'd settled into the life of banging hookers and didn't ask too much. There was one guy that was really attracted to me that tried probing me for how I could lose my virginity to the woman yet felt so nonchalant about the sex I was having about her, because I made it very obvious to him that although the sex was good, I wasn't mentally attached to her. I had to explain to him clearly that although the sex with her felt great, it was a professional connection where I was paying her for it as opposed to a natural emotionally driven one, and I'm a savage, so it's very easy for me to separate feelings from situations like that.
I stopped really encountering problems with guys thinking I was gay after that.
Since then, I've had sex with prostitutes three more times. Once with a juicy Chinese woman, then a different juicy Korean woman, then a juicy half Chinese and half Korean woman.
I chose to do it this way because attractive Chinese women always came next after Korean women in terms of sex appeal to me, and after having sex all those times, Korean women remain the most attractive of all to me. The first two times I ever had sex, I only paid the woman for the bare minimum half-hour, but all the following times, I decided I wanted a much more thoroughly satisfying experience. I'd wait for opportunities until I'd saved about $1,000 and then I'd drop it all on a girl at once and try to get at least four really solid hours in a row and as many orgasms as I could handle. I came at least seven times in each following sexual encounter.
I've mentioned to Kimi before that I'm six inches when I'm hard. I wasn't lying nor exaggerating.
I'm sure she won't be disappointed with what I've got. I know how to use it too. I've seen the expressions of extremely pleasant surprise when every hooker I've ever banged was surprised with how I kept wanting more, orgasm after orgasm. I'm not just saying I paid for four hours straight and came at least seven times to sound good. Every time I did that, the girl would look at me and be like,
"What are we going to do for four hours? How much can you possibly cum?"
I'd just smile and tell her, "You're really hot. I'll cum at least five times. What do you mean what will we do?"
They doubted, but by the end they were complaining their hands and mouths were tired from pleasuring my cock so hard for so long and that they weren't used to such intense desire.
Now that I've got explaining the fact that I'm not some ultra-horny virgin moron out of the way, let's get back to the real issue at hand.
Many may look at me writing this book and think, "Wow. This guy is really pathetic. He knows so much about the world, but he's so bad with women that he desperately is trying to stick to a woman that doesn't really like him because he's completely incapable of getting any others, and he's just trying desperately to rationalize his stupid position. He'd be so much happier if he just started pursuing other women and gave up on this girl that clearly will never date him".
Those people are huge clowns.
I'm not sticking to Kimi because I'm incapable of getting other women, and I'm absolutely certain that there's no way I could ever be happier giving up on being with her. If I wanted other women, I'm certain I'm capable of pursuing and obtaining romantic relationships with them. I was capable of getting the interest of multiple women before and during the time I pursued Kimi, and I'm no less competent to get the interest and attention of other women if I so desire now. In fact, I could've decided that in writing this book, I no longer care about Kimi and instead I'm seeking a relationship with a new woman because I'm simply fed up with being single.
I'm not doing that.
I don't have a reliance on social validation to want it from a partner, nor do I lack the ability to get sex if I really want it. Social validation when I know most people are clowns is laughable. Being thirsty for sex when throwing a little money at a hooker gets you laid is stupid. I'm never going to seek a relationship for pathetic reasons that weak-minded and weak-willed individuals seek them.
The reason I'm completely investing myself in getting Kimi isn't because I'm bad with women nor because I'm generally hopeless in getting a relationship. It's because all other women don't interest me; they aren't very arousing to me and I don't care for getting to know them on a romantic level. Now that I've seen Kimi and especially after getting to know her, I know that she's everything I've ever wanted and that's never changing. I've been jerking off to Kimi a minimum of six times a day ever since last year when it started feeling right to jerk off to her and also continue to do so every day. I've never jerked off to a girl harder and more consistently at that intensity than I've jerked off to Kimi.
I already know that Kimi will have my sexual attention forever, and I find her so sexy and perfect that I have absolutely no desire to fight it. She's what I've always wanted and that's it. I'm not going to try to fight what I very clearly know I want for the rest of my life. I'm not going to go chase what I'd describe as very weak lust at best for other women when I feel extremely passionate attraction towards Kimi that I know will never go away. I'm chasing her because I know with complete certainty what I like and I also know with complete certainty that I deserve to have it.
If you're going to claim it's an unhealthy obsession, I argue that giving up on her is far more unhealthy. I'd be trading off my passionate attraction towards Kimi for an unhealthy obsession with empty sex with random women I find of mediocre attractiveness where I have complete disinterest in getting to know them. I know this is how it'd be because I'd literally be thinking of Kimi every time I have sex with some other girl. Once she empties my balls and I've came until I'm satisfied, I'll want her to go away because I'll just be upset I had to have sex with her instead of Kimi. I'll never be able to have any kind of romantic relationship with anyone because I won't want to if I can't have it with Kimi, so I'll never be happy.
If you think it's pathetic for me to want a meaningful romantic relationship with a woman I'm extremely attracted to instead of being willing to settle for empty sex for the rest of my life, then I really don't care what you think of me. Go be "not pathetic" and spend your life having empty sex with people you don't care to actually have a connection with; if that makes you happy, good for you, but it's not for me.
The biggest issue my relationship with Kimi has is that she'll feel like she simply can't say no to me ever if we're together, and that's understandably very frightening to her. I can understand that, but it was never my intent to simply force her to do anything that pops into my head. I'll never treat her that way with blatant disregard for how she'll feel and what she wants.
She's shown considerable desire to attract me over a prolonged period of time, and if she hadn't done that, then this book would've either been a straight declaration of terrorism or never even have been written and I'd already have been in isolation right now, or perhaps even already have came out of it and started destroying the world. Her persistence has touched my heart and left me under the impression she's extremely unique and she's left me so intensely attracted to her for so long that I need her in my life and want her extremely badly with no real desire for anyone else. I'm not willing to simply let her reject me and force me to move on from her when that's not going to be okay with me at all for multiple reasons, especially after everything we've been through.
The thing about women (and perhaps even many men, although that's not my concern here because I'll never be attracted to men and that's not even remotely ever going to be up for debate) is that trying to rationalize with them about why they should love you isn't ever going to work.
The issue I have to deal with regardless of how Kimi feels and what she wants is that because of who I am, this would be a problem for me with any person I ever pursue. The thing is that being as powerful as I am, I undoubtedly will have to let a woman know sooner or later that she doesn't really have the option not to be with me if I really want to be with her, and the same way that's an issue for Kimi, it's obviously going to be an issue for anyone else.
Unfortunately, giving women the illusion of freedom to pick other people so you can subconsciously convince them they should pick you instead of others as the clear best option as your connection with them becomes more serious is a critical part of deep seduction of a woman.
My only options are to either lie to women and manipulate them about who I really am for some time until we build a relationship and actually date properly and then randomly tell them about the extent of my power well into the relationship and hope that she's not too upset, which simply feels extremely manipulative and wrong to me and I can't imagine ever working out well, or I have to take the approach that I took with Kimi, the first and only woman I ever started pursuing after I realized the extent of my power was this great, and be very honest and upfront about who I am and make it very clear that pursuing a relationship with me will mean she must take spending her life with me very seriously right from the very beginning since I wouldn't even be pursuing her if I didn't want that in the first place, and hope that my honesty and having good intentions while trying to show that to the best of my ability will result in the healthiest relationship possible. That's the only scenario I could even remotely really see working out well at all.
Unfortunately, being significantly successful in seduction, as anyone more experienced with it would know, normally requires manipulation, and in fact often a considerable amount of it, which is especially directly incompatible with such a direct and honest approach. I was aware of this fact before I ever started pursuing Kimi, which was why I felt increasingly hopeless and suicidal every day after realizing the extent of my power, before her treatment towards me gave me hope the honest approach could actually work.
As you can see, I myself understand very well that both of these options suck quite badly and basically either way the prospects don't look promising at all for a woman to ever truly feel comfortable and okay being with me. Even being a master at seduction (which I don't claim to be, however my abilities are certainly sufficient to pursue and get relationships with other women if I wanted to) still wouldn't leave me with any real potential for a deep long-term relationship, simply because my power makes me frightening to anyone that knows about it and especially so if they take it at all seriously. Taking that at face value means that I should give up entirely on ever having a meaningful relationship based on that alone if I'm to look at it and attempt to be completely considerate of it to the fullest extent when I look at any potential romantic partner.
If I have to take that route, isolation and destroying the world it is. I didn't want to be so scary when I started living my life nor as I progressed through reflecting on why I shouldn't kill myself for so long and gained knowledge and power, and I definitely don't feel like I deserve to be alone forever just because I'm as powerful as I am, so I'm not just going to give up so easily on the thing I'll always want more than anything else in life. I'll always wholeheartedly believe that only someone that truly doesn't care about me at all would seriously suggest to me that I should do that, whether they understand completely why I'm in a difficult situation or not.
Before pursuing Kimi, I wasn't certain my romantic relationship potential was this fucked. I just knew that I wanted to spend my life with her and that once I started pursuing her, I only wanted that to end up in a very loving marriage that lasted a lifetime. After now going through this crazy connection and learning the things that I have, it's only become completely clear to me that I absolutely must end up with her or isolation and destroying the world is what my destiny holds in store for me.
Knowing everything I know now so clearly, it would be extremely irresponsible and immoral to start pursuing other women, because I would have to fully embrace the understanding that given my position it's become very apparent no woman would ever want to be with me in a long-term meaningful relationship literally no matter how seductive or otherwise appealing I am, and therefore any women I chase I'll only end up scarring for life after they learn the truth.
Further, while there may be some women that actually enjoy being afraid and feeling forced as such, they must certainly have some fetishes that drive the enjoyment of it, and as I don't enjoy being scary or forceful in much the same fashion that I don't enjoy women (or anyone at all for that matter) being scary or forceful towards me, those women would end up incompatible with me outright for that reason.
It's not the tension, drama, distance, nor fame that are really the problem with my connection with Kimi. The biggest problem I have is an extremely huge problem that I would have with any person I could ever pursue a relationship with, and even worse so past this point because I'd be pursuing anyone else with the experience of how pursuing Kimi turned out, and it's never going to go away; that is absolutely certain.
My position very clearly isn't out of some petty childishness nor unreasonable desire to exert my power over anyone else, and in fact comes from the exact opposite reasoning. This understanding single-handedly absolutely destroys anyone's ability to argue that I should give up and simply attempt to chase other women, at least if they're actually attempting to give me that advice from any reasonably rational perspective.
This book already reveals a lot of information about me and gives the reader quite an intimate glimpse into my life. I feel pretty awkward about it, and I'd rather not if I felt like I could, but after I thought about it, I realized that I have to explain in considerable detail my sexual interests. As uncomfortable as it makes me to know a bunch of random people are going to know about them, I feel like if I don't, many people are going to be left with the impression that someone as bold as me shouldn't have issue with disclosing such information, and that the reason I didn't must be because I'm into some crazy shit that's like dangerous or deadly or terrifying or extremely gross, and that I must've not shared it because it's either detrimental to my ability to achieve my other goals or because it's simply extremely embarrassing.
Well, I'm very glad to say that my most wild fantasies are actually quite tame and filled with tender warmth and pleasant interaction with the woman I'm fantasizing about, and as such, as awkward as it is to share, it's absolutely nothing for me to be ashamed of. I'd much rather share it and feel kind of weird knowing people know it about me even though I'd rather they didn't, then not share it and let people's imaginations run wild, most likely often thinking the worst. Things could get really messy and bad if I'm not open about this.
Besides, how is Kimi supposed to approach me in the way she knows she can feel most confident, sexy, warm, and graceful, if I don't make it completely clear to her exactly what I'd love to see from her and do with her more than anything else? I've already told her this stuff in private via emails, but I also feel that I should mention it here so she doesn't think I was making it up. I don't want her being worried about some crazy shit and having that possibly single-handedly terrifying her away from pursuing me properly.
I have three fetishes. Asian women (specifically Koreans are my favorite by far), women with big butts, and latex (especially seeing women in a pair of tight, black, shiny latex leggings). Seeing a really hot Korean woman with a big butt showing it off in a pair of tight, black, shiny latex leggings is pretty much as hot as it gets for me. So basically, if Kimi wore those latex leggings, that's really a dream come true.
Of actual sexual acts I'm interested in and aroused by most, assjobs definitely take the number one spot. Then blowjobs, boobjobs, and handjobs, in that order. If Kimi's more tired and doesn't want to move around much, I'd also really love to kiss each of her butt cheeks many times, as well as let her watch me touch myself to her in front of her while she gently and warmly encourages me to keep going and reach a very pleasant orgasm.
I can't imagine anything in this world being more arousing, pleasant, and satisfying than rubbing up against Kimi's perfectly voluptuous goddess butt while she's wearing tight, black, shiny latex leggings, and depending on my mood also perhaps a tight shiny latex top and possibly also latex gloves, asking me if it feels good and sensually moaning, while I'm gently caressing her breasts and telling her she's a perfectly voluptuous goddess that couldn't possibly be doing a better job fulfilling my wildest fantasies, as I'm wearing a condom and a mostly similar latex outfit, sensually moaning in pleasure myself. Because of my latex fetish, I actually genuinely really enjoy wearing condoms and would want to wear them often no matter what we're doing.
As you can see, my desires are quite tame. Nothing scary, painful, degrading, or dangerous in any way. I'm actually pretty certain Kimi would love to do this knowing I'll enjoy it immensely. Assuming she loves me of course.
It's worth mentioning that I don't enjoy being denied of anything I want, to any extent, especially sexually. In fact, I find anything and everything on the entire BDSM spectrum extremely unappealing and a massive turn-off, in any and every situation. Any of my desires or things I can enjoy that may make it seem to others like I'm into these things, I actually like for different reasons.
For example, in the case of touching myself to a goddess in front of her while she's watching and encouraging me, it seems like many others enjoy such a thing because it makes them feel weak and as if they're being dominated. That's not the perspective I look at it from, and I in fact would find it absolutely disgusting if a woman was thinking that way about it and doing it for enjoyment of it for that reason.
The way I look at it is that, specifically in the case of a perfectly voluptuous goddess, as absolutely must be the case for me to feel comfortable doing such a thing with someone, she deserves to know that she's extremely arousing to the fullest extent, such that I even enjoy letting her fully relax from needing to provide any physical contact to stimulate arousal, and instead letting her simply observe and bask in the glory of her perfectly voluptuous body's sex appeal; it's a gesture of kindness, appreciation, respect, love, and affection, not some form of domination and submission. This is why I can also enjoy a perfectly voluptuous goddess touching herself in front of me while I watch and encourage her as well.
I've seen entire K-pop girl groups where every single member was very attractive, shaking their really sexy asses in front of the camera in tight, black, shiny latex leggings, which was my ultimate fantasy to see for the longest time and should have captured my attention relentlessly since, and yet even that hasn't managed to gather remotely as much arousal and desire in me as Kimi has done extremely consistently ever since I first started being attracted to her.
After much deep thinking and reflection, I've realized it becomes extremely dishonest and irresponsible not to be completely set on having my cock milked by Kimi for the rest of my life, so I'm just going to pursue so in this book without caring about my actual chances of success, and just keep my word on my course of action if it doesn't happen.
I've never been in a relationship in my entire life. I've had opportunities, or at least I think I did, but it never seemed to be with any woman I actually found very appealing and was interested in putting the effort into working through a relationship with. For much of my life, dating and relationships weren't something I really put much thought into. I knew I wanted a relationship eventually. I knew I wanted to find a really attractive and pleasant to be around woman and I knew it was really important to me.
I knew I've always had an extremely high sex drive and my partner needed to be a woman I not only found extremely physically attractive but who also could handle satisfying my immense sexual desires. I very clearly knew all the things I was into sexually from a very young age, ever since I started developing any sexual interests and desires at all, and those interests and desires never even remotely wavered throughout my entire life. My positions on sexuality and my sexual interests remained as consistent and strong as my view on the very real feeling I've had for as long as I can remember that I want to express myself as a woman and also that I never want to have children, which are factors that only served to make things a lot more complicated.
Since I've always known I'm exclusively interested in women sexually and most women want to have children at least eventually, I'm some strange kind of lesbian that has long-term desires incompatible with likely the majority of women out there, and any woman that would ever genuinely find me considerably romantically and sexually appealing, especially as a life partner, has to have considerably unique tastes.
I've heard a lot about relationships. Namely that if you don't get one coming your way, you should keep working on improving yourself and it'll eventually come. That's literally what I've been hearing since elementary school. There's a lot of different information out there depending on who you ask and where you look, and some information is better than others, while some is extremely contextual and certainly shouldn't be thrown around as loosely as it is. Regardless, I've never focused much at all on seeking advice about relationships. I was always busy working on improving myself anyways; I very quickly adopted the mindset that I should just keep working on myself and it'll come eventually.
Well, I've certainly found the person that I know I want to spend my life with, now I'm doing my best to stay positive and hopeful that things will work out.
After so much has been said, I find it necessary to clearly communicate exactly the requirements I have for a connection with Kimi to possess in order for me to find it sufficiently suitable to not make me want to destroy the world. I care about this connection a lot, and as Kimi herself has admitted before, if you care about a connection with someone, you should put as much effort as necessary to communicate clearly with them. So I'm going to be as clear as I can be here.
As badly as I want this relationship, I'd rather have none of it and just destroy the world than engage in something that I know will result in me ending up getting used and tossed aside, especially with the woman thinking she deserves to be able to do so and/or that I wanted it despite however much I may say and attempt to prove that I don't.
If this relationship doesn't work, I'll end up going into isolation and destroying the world anyway, but if I let it happen that I enter a relationship destined to fail first, that would be putting myself in that position after being used and tortured instead of avoiding that misery. She'll end up using me, treating me like shit, making me leave her because she was so bad to me, and then demonize me as if it's my fault things didn't work and she was so good to me when that wouldn't be true at all, but people would surely take her side since I already seem like the villain and she seems like a victim.
Of course, I'm aware that it'd be an unrealistic expectation to push someone to try to make me feel absolutely certain they have no deep-rooted hard feelings towards me in a deep romantic connection, given the points I've already mentioned. I don't want to set the expectation so high that it's seemingly unachievable, as if I'm trying to set things up for failure.
That being said, if we're together, I'll always be doing my best to show Kimi that I sincerely have no deep-rooted hard feelings towards her, not ever even so much as joking about feeling differently, and I'd expect that kind of warmth in return from Kimi as well.
Being kind and sweet may leave someone to feel I'm weak-minded and in a romantic relationship that can even become very detrimental as the other person may start getting enjoyment out of treating me poorly because they think I like it. This potential for misinterpreting my feelings is very concerning and would destroy any relationship I'd have.
Being vulnerable and generous leaves you open to being taken advantage of and tossed aside, and I also find it very concerning how someone in a position of such power as myself may give off the extremely inaccurate impression that I want that kind of situation.
From a very young age, as far back as I can remember, I've never wanted kids or found having them at all appealing. This position has never even slightly wavered as I've grown throughout my entire life.
It's not about the money nor the partner.
In general, I strongly dislike immaturity, and children are the epitome of that. I also strongly dislike feeling like I have a very unfair amount of control over someone (whether I have any intent to abuse it or not), and children are the epitome of that too. I also know that I'm so powerful that I don't want children that surpass me, meaning they can only be either disappointments or enemies, and I already know that before they're even conceived.
I'd much rather have time to be alone with my partner and would find intimacy far more satisfying than raising children could ever be.
Although those reasons alone are plenty sufficient for me to never want children under any circumstances, giving birth also considerably weakens a woman's energy core and makes it much more difficult if not impossible for her to ever achieve immortality with the quantum energy arts, and since I'm certainly fixed on becoming immortal, I must be entering a relationship with a woman who's just as fixed on becoming immortal as I am and wants to spend the rest of time with me enough that she can easily put aside any desire for children she may have in favor of immortality. An adopted child still carries all the other issues I have with children, and I find it even more unappealing to raise a child that's not my own blood as well.
I'm entirely confident my position on this matter will never change under any circumstances, and this alone will definitely ruin everything if Kimi can't accept it.
I've made my interests and desires very clear to Kimi, but I have no idea what she herself is into, which is concerning. Certain things I don't find particularly interesting but I'm okay with her finding pleasant, and others would be unbearable and single-handedly ruin everything.
Kimi's fetishes aside, I'm so powerful that I'm worried it's going to be a massive power dynamic imbalance. If Kimi finally believes that she must actually have insanely massive sex appeal to me for me to be picking just being with her over multiple partners, she's going to realize that she turns me on so much that she actually has a lot of power with her sex appeal that has a lot of potential for abuse if she wants to be careless. I feel like someone with the amount of power that I have certainly shouldn't be limiting themselves to a single woman, but at the same time it feels like demanding multiple women is setting myself up to fail. Because my goal is to have an immensely loving, mature, healthy relationship, then I obviously can't force Kimi if I don't get the sex I want from her. She has to be willing every time, and I have a huge sex drive, so I need to be pleasured and cum several times a day.
Even if Kimi's able to keep up with my sex drive, if she knows that I have such a high sex drive and on top of that she is so sexy to me that I find her hotter than an entire harem of women, she's going to realize that she has so much power with her sex appeal that it's terrifying to me that it would seem there's no way that she's going to be able to control herself not to take advantage of and abuse the fact that she's the only person I can ever have sex with.
Effectively, she can be extremely hurtful, end up making me extremely upset, and all she has to do is take her clothes off and approach me naked or in latex, and she'll always end up getting her way with me because I'll be too horny to resist her. Unless I'm going to become a degenerate and start cheating on her, which ruins our relationship, then she's going to start simply demanding things and being controlling and brutal with the massive sex appeal that she knows she has, and there won't really be anything I can do about it.
I'm extremely concerned that there becomes seemingly no reason why she has to refrain from taking advantage of this massive sex appeal that she knows she has, and that eventually she's going to take advantage of it more and more, and that's going to ruin our relationship because as I said I don't enjoy being denied of anything, which goes especially for sex, and I'm certainly not trying to be used and abandoned. I'm not trying to be taken advantage of and milked for all my money, energy, knowledge, and any other resources; the only thing I'm trying to get milked of is cum out of my cock, and I'm worried she's not going to be wanting to milk me in a truly satisfying way if she realizes that she has so much sex appeal she can take advantage of.
Basically, she ends up left unchecked because I have to only have sex with her and she's going to be able to openly flaunt in my face constantly that she's so sexy to me that I'd rather have her than multiple women at the same time and that as a result she knows I'll never stop craving her and she gets to pretty much do whatever she wants to me and I just have to take it if I don't plan on leaving her. I want to give my bae an amazing life, hopefully everything she could ever want and more, but being left unchecked allows her to become boundlessly demanding, toxic, and erode at and eventually destroy our connection.
Even worse is that even though I'm making this so clear now, if our relationship were to fail later because she's not satisfying me enough, I become the bad guy. What's most frightening to me is that there isn't even any kind of partial solution to this. I simply have to trust her (and hope she has a huge sex drive like me).
I want to stress that this should be a healthy relationship, which means that neither of us should be holding in our concerns about anything. We should be communicating well to each other at all times.
I'm transgendered, which means that although I was born a man, I see myself as more of a woman, and I definitely wish to much more clearly express that outwardly in the future eventually. In my case specifically, I do however really like having my dick, particularly because I want it very regularly thoroughly pleasured by my partner. I ultimately consider myself a woman with a dick that has some tendencies towards masculinity/isn't afraid to express myself in ways typically considered masculine.
As a result, I know that whatever woman I end up with must like women to a very significant extent to like me. I have worry that she might resent me for denying her of being able to comfortably have sex with a woman with a vagina, regardless of how much she may deny it. At the same time, she must certainly like that I have a dick.
This is something that our relationship can overcome if she expresses herself honestly should she feel that way, but it's going to erode at it slowly but surely if she feels afraid to be honest.
I'm also worried she's going to eventually feel like by choosing to be with her exclusively, it's as if I wanted to force myself to be tied down when I really shouldn't be to the extent that I am, as if there was something about being controlled or restricted that I inherently enjoyed. That's certainly not the case, but I'm really worried she might start trying to "read between the lines" too hard and is going to end up feeling like I have some repressed desires that perhaps I'm not even aware of; that's very concerning for me because I'm very conscious of things like that where over time there might be certain things that I definitely don't feel but they might end up being misunderstood and ruin the connection.
As a woman who'll get to know me feels more intimate and comfortable with me, she might feel like she knows things about me that I am keeping as a massive secret from her or perhaps that I don't even know about myself, and I've been trying my hardest to avoid any kind of misunderstandings like that because this working out properly means the absolute world to me and I can't afford it ending up fucked up over some convoluted implication thing like that. You'd think simply communicating would solve this, but when the foundation our relationship being very complicated could lead to excessively trying to "read between the lines", even stating a position clearly verbally may not really be understood as such.
This applies to a much broader scope than the example I just presented and perhaps I'm overthinking this. Regardless, that's the whole point I'm trying to make; in this regard, it should be made very clear that we should be speaking our minds very transparently with each other, and when something is very firmly stated as such, we should feel comfortable being able to take it at face value and not have to wrack our brains trying to interpret hidden meanings or alternative intentions.
Being open and honest is no excuse to be toxic. Transparency is necessary for ultimately maintaining peace and facilitating mutual growth, but I want to be very warm and gentle constantly and shower my partner with tender love and affection; they have to be able to both accept that gracefully and reciprocate it well.
Writing a book about single-handedly destroying the world if I can't have Kimi may seem like quite a shaky foundation to many, but I see it as the most solid foundation a relationship could ever have. I have all the purest and warmest intentions, and if Kimi has a good heart and loves me, then our relationship should be very pleasant for both of us and very well built to last eternity. This is what I've always wanted.
This ties in strongly with concern about a revenge plot as well as concern about being used and abandoned. I'm not going to be revealing all of these secrets very early on in the relationship, so Kimi shouldn't be expecting that. Still, I want her to become stronger as time passes, so I'll have to gradually share more and more, eventually telling her most of what I know. She'll be able to become very powerful, and I need our relationship to be strong enough that I can feel very confident she's not going to share this information with anyone nor ever use the abilities that she acquires against me.
Being extremely intelligent isn't an inherent requirement I ever had for a partner, but whoever I'm with needs to actively work towards achieving the strongest core value possible, the same one I have, until they achieve it. Since I have this core value and function at such a high level, and also because it's necessary for mastering the quantum energy arts, my partner must also achieve this core value in order for us to work very well together for a very long period of time. It's also necessary for us to retain a healthy relationship in general.
It's terrifying to me that late in a relationship and especially after marriage, my partner might start dangling sex in front of my face like a carrot expecting me to beg desperately for it and then denying me most of the time of it or making me work very hard to get it. I feel like it doesn't matter even if I become considerably physically attractive; she'll know I have an extremely high sex drive and want to be pleasured by her practically constantly, so she never has to ask me for it or even act like she wants it at all and she'll know I'll still want it so badly that I'll have to ask her for it myself, putting me in an unacceptably weak position in the relationship.
I worry that eventually her ego is going to become massive because she has no good reason to be humbled and she'll end up expecting me to let her bang other guys, possibly even watching, and expect me to thank her for doing it. That would definitely cause an unhealthy relationship because I know that's something I could never enjoy, and the relationship would end up failing, her even trying to blame it failing on me, stating that she thought I liked it.
In general, one most likely will not simply let go of their ego because they choose to, but rather life must put them in circumstances where they are pressured to and they must be humble and realize that it is the right way to go and figure out what it really means and how to act properly.
I'm terrified that simply even leaving that seeming like an option for her will leave her under the impression that letting her lose control of her ego and treat me pretty much like a dog is what I secretly want. It certainly is not what I want and I'm being completely honest about that, but I really don't know how much of an impact simply having that position will have when the circumstances remain as such.
The only true solution is for her to rid herself of any active ego entirely, solving this problem, which can only be achieved with a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension.
Essentially, there are multiple very good reasons why if I don't get to date and eventually marry Kimi and spend the rest of my life with her, then I absolutely have to give up on ever having any kind of meaningful relationship with any romantic partner, and I either have to give up on ever getting sex and just jerk off to women for the rest of my life, or I have to only have sex with prostitutes and random sluts, and that's always going to feel very empty and meaningless to someone like me that seeks deep emotional connection and meaning in my relationships. Without her, I'll never be able to find a satisfying romantic relationship, and since I absolutely need that kind of a connection in order to ever feel happy, I'm going to end up extremely depressed, miserable, and I'm going to end up destroying the world and that is an absolute fact.
If it doesn't happen soon, then it's just never going to happen and there's definitely no good reason whatsoever for me to ever believe otherwise. With the situation how it is, things will be progressing further soon, and Kimi has to decide to go one way or the other with our connection. If things start to really seem like they'll never go the way I've been hoping, I'm not going to have any good reason to believe it's ever going to go how I want, I'm just going to feel even more alienated from society than I already do, and going into complete isolation and destroying the world is going to very quickly start holding great appeal to the point where I certainly will end up doing it and then any hope Kimi has to make things right goes away and everything's fucked.
Ever since I started my connection with Kimi, I've spent the last three years trying my hardest to passionately pursue her instead of working hard on game development, which I would have been very significantly progressed in by now had I not stopped it entirely to devote myself to Kimi. I gave up opportunities at fame, both in a potential position on the CX Network that I could have got when I went to meet Ice, as well as debating with Destiny using my knowledge of philopsychology. I'll always have a very tense connection with Kimi if we don't end up together, which I find unacceptable if I was to pursue fame, at least while remaining in society to actually make use of it.
I've made sacrifices for Kimi that I can only ever make once in my life and therefore only build an emotional foundation with someone in that way once. I picked her as worthy of my time, energy, love, and trust. After people saw the kind of intensity and passion that I would pursue Kimi, there have been multiple women on more than one occasion that have expressed interest in me and attempted to get my attention. Even certain girls that I was friends with in the past online before I met Kimi started expressing interest in dating me. The girls that I didn't know that expressed interest in me, I never so much as said a word to them. The girls I was friends with that started expressing interest in dating me, I maintained as much distance as possible and eventually cut them out of my life as quickly as I could while not doing so in a hostile manner. I was giving up relationships with women I found appealing, dreaming of Kimi, before I even knew she actually existed. I put everything I had into my connection with Kimi and now I must know if it was worth it.
Despite all the difficulties in our connection, I still have so many warm feelings towards Kimi. She's the woman I'll forever be absolutely convinced is my vision of an absolutely perfectly voluptuous goddess and my absolute dream woman in all respects. Not only is she absolutely flawlessly perfect in every single way physically, she's also the perfect combination of cute and sexy. I've decided to hope that she's been doing all of this out of a deeply passionate desire for a relationship with me that she only ever imagined in her wildest dreams. I've written this book hoping that she has a warm heart inside and her cold behavior is simply a result of her past traumas and the difficulty of the situation.
I've made my decision and now it's time for Kimi to make hers.
I always wondered what Kimi really looked for in a partner.
Shortly after I released the initial version of my book, she decided to finally actually think about it and make it clear.
This is my response.
Kimi Park,
I remember I asked you very early on in our connection what you look for in a partner. You literally gave me the most generic socially conditioned bullshit answer ever. Now when you talk about what kind of partner you want, it seems like you actually put some serious thought into it, and it certainly seems to me like you think about me when you think about it.
"I'm pretty simple, I just want someone who's smart, always willing and working to grow, and shares the same values as me.
Bonuses are: if he games, is clean, healthy, has goals, career passions, smells nice, buys me food, gives me attention, pats on the head, supports me in my dreams, makes my life better, loves animals (especially Hobbes and Pix), pushes me out of my comfort zone, pushes me to be better, inspires me, gives me lots of cuddles, surprises me with Starbucks, watches movies and animes and Netflix with me (in the literal sense not the other sense), respects me and my boundaries, gets along with my friends and makes an effort to get to know them. Someone who plans well and likes to travel. Who doesn't get jealous and is understanding of what I do as my job. I like guys who are taller than me with a friendly smile. Nerds are fucking great, I have to date a nerd, I get the biggest hard-on for intelligence and the desire to learn. Tells me all the time how wonderful and amazing I am while not hesitating to nicely criticize and give me honest feedback. Lavishes me with words of affirmation, holds my hand in public, gives me gentle kisses and wraps his arms around me, makes me feel protected and safe and happy."
Let's go over this.
1. "Pretty simple"
? OMEGALUL you only want someone with such an insane combination of qualities that a guy wouldn't even fit this list, you want a special kind of woman. Proof? You're famous and hot AF with a lot of friends, but you're single and probably don't find anyone around you actually appealing as a life partner. You want someone extremely special and dreamy as a life partner and obviously nobody around you is up to that standard.
2. "someone who's smart, always willing and working to grow, and shares the same values as me"
This is already so not simple. Smart? What's smart to you? How smart is qualifying criteria for smart? What kind of intelligence do you want them to have/in what area(s) do they need to be smart? Why? How do you want them to use this intelligence? Always willing and working to grow? Why? In what ways? How do you want them to use their flexibility as such? Shares the same values as you? This can mean a whole slew of different shit (as you yourself demonstrated with "bonuses" you want that for the most part don't actually seem like bonuses but rather demands you have of them) and makes what you're looking for increasingly distant from "simple".
It's not that I'm not up for it, in fact I think your list is actually very easy for me. I just need to know you're framing things correctly if you're going to demand an essay worth of shit. I could say I look for someone that also fits this "simple" explanation of what you're looking for, but I definitely wouldn't describe that person nor what I'm looking for as simple, because the general statement you're making is extremely open-ended and means a whole lot to me. I'll explain that later.
Anyways, let's take a look at "bonuses". By the way, I'd like to start by mentioning: are you ready to be all these things for someone else too that you're demanding them for yourself from them? Double standards are a fine base for a relationship to shatter into a million pieces and fail horribly.
3. "games"
Yeah, I do that. Wouldn't ever beat being affectionate and close with someone I love in a general sense, but it's pretty up there in terms of things I like doing. Doing it with someone I love could only make it better. It's always been one of my favorite things to do since I was a child. I still remember when I first got Pokemon Yellow on a Gameboy Color as a birthday present from one of my uncles when I was like 6 or some shit. It was lit.
I'm sure I enjoy games enough that I meet this requirement.
4. "is clean"
If I'm not homeless, showering and brushing my teeth regularly are things I enjoy doing. Even being homeless, I still do them sometimes, although it's not exactly easy when you have to sneak into community centers to shower and use public washrooms to brush your teeth. Being dirty isn't exactly fun, and while I'm okay with it if I'm generally trying to avoid literally everyone, I'd generally feel quite uncomfortable with it if I want to be touchy with someone I care about or hang out with her friends. I wouldn't want to do that stuff while not even being clean and making everyone feel uncomfortable.
I'd assume this is a pretty standard requirement for a relationship because otherwise you're with someone degenerate AF. I mean, I can understand the whole not showering for a couple days if you're just being cozy at home thing; you're not going to smell like absolute garbage in like 2 or 3 days. But yeah, obviously you shouldn't be going weeks without showering or some shit.
As far as spatially clean, I've always kept any room I've had organized. I don't like leaving things randomly lying around and making a mess. I generally wash any dishes I make dirty pretty quickly. I'm not like super uptight about this, so it's not like I'm going to get upset at you if you have some stuff lying around, but I assume you already have to be clean and careful to a decent extent because your dogs are going to bite and mess with a lot of stuff if you just leave it lying around on the floor, so I think even if you're kinda messy, you generally tend not to leave it to the point where you can barely even walk around your house.
I'm sure I meet this requirement in the context of if we actually end up together. No problem.
5. "healthy"
I'm healthy.
Physically, I have no illnesses at all. I could lose some weight, but I'm certainly not obese, and I'd have no issue with working out more or going on keto or something to lose some weight if you'll date me properly and give me a reason to actually care about looking good.
Mentally, you already know I think very deeply and am very intelligent, and as you can see with this revised version of the book, I still have a very healthy attitude towards you, despite everything you've put me through. I certainly wouldn't have put this book together this way, if at all, if I had poor mental health.
You already know I have reason to question your health on both levels, and I suppose you could question mine, but that really doesn't get us anywhere. I love you a lot, and whatever difficulties with health you may go through, whether physical or mental, I want to be there by your side to help you through them.
6. "has goals and career passions"
Yeah, I definitely have a lot of goals. On top of the obvious developing my quantum energy arts and becoming immortal, I've also elaborated quite a bit on my plans and goals for the future if I actually get the proper relationship with you that I've always wanted and have a reason to actually care about being a constructive force in the world.
I definitely meet this. I'd say most likely by far more than anyone else in your life.
7. "smells nice"
Lol. As long as you shower reasonably often, you'll smell alright. If anything, a couple sprays of perfume and there isn't much left to be desired. This one's simple but important enough; I get it, I want you to smell nice too. I also understand you won't always smell like you have an aura of perfume coating you the way you did at the meetup, which is completely fine, and I know you won't have that kind of expectation of me either, so I think this is easy enough.
I prefer feminine perfumes over anything masculine, both for my partner as well as myself, so unless you have some kind of obsession with masculine scent that you'd rather die than not have around you, I really don't think this should be a problem for you. And if it is such a problem for you, well, I hope you can enjoy that scent for the next couple years before the world ends I guess.
8. "buys me food"
Lol. If you date me, I'll feel comfortable becoming a streamer, I'll make a lot of money off that alone, and of course I won't have a problem buying you food. I think this doesn't need much elaboration. No problem, I can do this.
9. "gives me attention"
Honey, I wish I could give you a lot more attention already, but because you're not being open with me, the most attention I can give you is regularly checking your Twitter, watching your streams, sending you messages regularly expressing my affection towards you and showing you I'm thinking of you, and jerking off to you.
If you have a proper relationship with me, I'll want to give you attention more than anything else in the world. I mean, I already do, but if we were together, I'd be able to do it better, and you'd enjoy it more too.
I'm pretty sure I already give you more attention than anyone else in your life. If you date me properly, I'll definitely do this very well, I feel no doubt nor hesitation to say that.
10. "pats on the head"
You like this? I'd assume it seems patronizing, as if I think you're a child that is simply doing your best, even if you're struggling with something. Well, if you actually like it, that's pretty cute I guess. Normally this would be pretty weird to me, but if it's you and you actually enjoy it, I don't have a problem with it. Not sure exactly what kind of situation I'd actually feel is appropriate to do it, but I suppose I'll feel it out and you can also always tell me simply if you want it or explain to me what kind of situations you'd want it, and tell me if I'm doing it right or wrong.
I don't think this should really be a problem. I mean, who leaves an otherwise amazing relationship because their partner doesn't pat them on the head enough? I'll certainly give you attention and affection in many different ways, so this is only one thing. I don't think I need to go much into this. Don't worry, I'll pat you on the head all you want. Yes, I know, gently. Yes, I know, I should be careful not to mess up your hair.
11. "supports me in my dreams"
I've been pretty supportive of you since I first started talking to you. I've always been trying my best. I'll continue to try my best. I'm not even sure what your dreams are because you don't talk to me properly, but unless you have some fucked up twisted fantasies, I'm pretty sure this won't be a problem in the slightest. I obviously want to support my partner, the person that I love the most and that means the world to me, in their dreams.
12. "makes my life better"
Extremely general. Obviously I'll be trying my best to make your life better. I've always been trying my best from the beginning to do this too. I know we've had fights, but it's because I wanted to show you I care about you and because I knew that we wouldn't be that way if we were actually together. We've already went through that now. You know that I don't start shit and get petty with you on stream or in Discord, and I don't even lash out at you when you get your friends to pretend to be me and do it, so I think you can understand that I'm trying to make your life better.
Considering what I can offer you, I'm pretty sure I could make your life way better than any other person in your life or someone random from the street ever could. I have no worries about this.
13. "loves animals (especially Hobbes and Pix)"
I've never had pets (unless you count a few fish when I was a child), but I'm okay with them. Definitely don't hate them. Pets are sort of like children but also very different, so my feelings about not wanting children doesn't extend towards pets. Also, I think Hobbes and Pix are both pretty cute, so I don't have any problems with them. I guess I never mentioned that before, but yeah, it's cool. Now you know.
As long as you don't want to run a zoo, I don't think this will be a problem.
14. "pushes me out of my comfort zone"
Yeah, I definitely do this. A lot. I'd say more than I'd like. I'd still do it to some extent if we were dating, but it wouldn't be nearly as harsh and difficult for you to interpret or deal with as it is now with how tense our connection is. I don't think I need to elaborate much on this; just know that I don't want to push you out of your comfort zone simply for the sake of it, to prove I'm "alpha" or some trash like that, or out of some ego of thinking I'm simply better than you and know what's best for you all the time. If I'm going to push you, I always want to do it as gently and considerately as possible while remaining effective.
Unfortunately, with how things are now, even my most gentle and considerate attempts are quite harsh because they have to be if I want them to be at all effective, but I promise it'll be a lot more gentle if we're together. I don't think this will be a problem.
15. "pushes me to be better"
Well, I've fought with you because I was trying to push you to be better. Like I said, I never push you out of your comfort zone simply for the sake of it or because I just feel like I have some point to prove or some shit. I care about you and I want you to be better because of that. I also recognize that I have to do it considerately and as gently as possible while remaining effective.
I don't see this being a problem, considering you're reflective and don't seem closed-minded to thinking about the things I tell you to try to help you become a better person.
16. "inspires me"
Oh man, I know I do this. You don't have to tell me, I already know. Yes, I try very hard. And it works.
I'm pretty sure simply having me in your life and talking to me every day will inspire you even more than what I'm doing now will, so I really don't think this will be a problem at all.
17. "gives me lots of cuddles"
Yeah, I definitely want to cuddle a lot if we're together. I told you, I don't just think about sex. You're easily the hottest girl in the world to me, but I can't be hard 24/7 and I don't even want to be.
Cuddling is very tender and nice and I've never had a girlfriend to be able to do it but I definitely want it a lot and I'd really like it. This definitely won't be a problem at all.
18. "surprises me with Starbucks"
LOL. I'll figure this out, but I like coffee too, so I really don't think this will be a problem. Besides, our relationship definitely isn't going to fail due to me not buying you enough Starbucks, I know that much.
19. "watches movies and animes and Netflix with me (in the literal sense not the other sense)"
Well, I guess this goes with cuddling. While doing it in silence and purely relaxing is nice, obviously watching shows or something while cuddling is also nice. I definitely want to spend time with you, and there's going to be times where we're relaxing and not just lying in bed or having sex, some of which will be spent doing stuff like this. No problem.
20. "respects me and my boundaries"
Again, you don't talk to me properly and you send me a lot of mixed signals and shit, so it's hard to tell exactly where your boundaries are, but I try my best and I'll continue to. As far as respecting you in general, well, I wouldn't want to marry you if I didn't even respect you. It'd be pretty stupid of me to want to spend millions or potentially billions of years, until the end of time however long exactly that is, with someone I don't respect, now wouldn't it? We definitely need to talk properly, which will certainly happen before we start dating if you ever end up taking this seriously enough and pursuing it before it's too late.
You already seem to be taking it pretty seriously, even though you don't really show it on stream, so that's good. You can see that I'm not pushing you aggressively to talk to me, so I think that should already show you that I respect you and your boundaries. If this is a problem to either of us at any point, I'm sure we can talk about it, so this really shouldn't ultimately be a problem.
21. "gets along with my friends and makes an effort to get to know them"
I'll try my best. If they're not extremely cold and spiteful towards me (and if you decide to date me then I'm assuming they'll at least give me a chance and not act super mean straight up) then I'll be warm and stuff and I think it'll be fine.
I was never interested in Jaime and you saw how nice I was to her, right? I was even too nice and she ended up liking me for a while I'm pretty sure. I'll obviously try to avoid that in the future, but I generally don't have a problem balancing being nice to someone without coming off too strong, it just may seem to you right now like that's an issue because the whole situation is so crazy.
I feel like it's best to stay away for the most part right now as to not come off malicious, but I'm very open to talking to your friends in general. How about you start by allowing me to get along with you first and then expect me to get along with your friends after, hm? Don't worry too much about this, okay? I'm not going to isolate myself and only talk to you when there is a whole sea of friends and fun and content to be had with other people too; things just aren't at that point yet.
22. "Someone who plans well and likes to travel."
Eh, you can plan meticulously and the plans can still fall apart, so I believe that planning should be done to a functionally effective extent but being super uptight about it just ends up making you nervous and shit. In a general sense, I think I'm pretty good at planning. As far as traveling, if I'm being completely honest, I'm not a huge fan, but I can push myself to some extent for you.
I mean, if I can be so amazing to you, if you actually love me at all, you're not going to leave me because I'm not a huge fan of traveling. It's also worth noting that traveling for certain events and traveling for the sake of it are different; when I say I'm not a huge fan of traveling, it doesn't mean I'm at all against something like going to TwitchCon for example.
We'll see how this goes I guess, but I really don't think this should be a problem.
23. "Who doesn't get jealous and is understanding of what I do as my job"
Okay, look. Yes, I've gotten jealous sometimes. But you mean everything to me and I've tried so hard and you haven't even talked to me for two years. Yeah, I'm nervous and upset and sometimes it's lead to me feeling like it's necessary I show you that your behavior of ignoring me isn't appreciated. If we were actually dating, things would be different.
If I have you coming to me and telling me you love me and wrapping your arms around me and giving me love and attention, I'm going to know you genuinely care about me and I'm not going to have such a hard time with this. Right now, I have to deal with wondering how many random dudes you're sucking off while I just have to jerk off to you as you're ignoring me and leaving me feeling bad, but things would just be so much different if we were together properly.
I don't think this will be a problem for me at all. If anything, I wonder if you'll be able to refrain from getting jealous. Anyways, I don't think this should really be a problem in general.
24. "I like guys who are taller than me with a friendly smile"
Well, taller than you, you already know I am. Friendly smile? I mean, I hope so. I guess that's open to interpretation right? You haven't even really had much of an opportunity to see me smile in general, but I'd say I have a friendly smile.
I don't think there's much I can say about this; how about you have a video call with me and tell me if you think my smile is friendly? Please?
25. "Nerds are fucking great, I have to date a nerd, I get the biggest hard-on for intelligence and the desire to learn"
Uhh... LOL??? I think it's more like you get horny thinking about literally being queen of the planet. I don't think it's so much the intelligence as the power that comes with it that you like so much. Anyways, I'm not criticizing you for this, everyone's like that. If I'm making you horny, then that makes me feel good. I'm sure you must feel good knowing you make me horny too. If you read my book, you can very clearly tell I'm intelligent, so touch yourself to me all you want. You have my permission. I'd be honored, in fact. Get as horny for me as you want; you'd best believe I don't hold back when you make me horny, and you really make me way hornier than anyone else in the entire world ever could, and it's a lot.
No problem. I can objectively quantify that I'm extremely intelligent and probably the most intelligent person on the entire planet. Based on this alone, if you're being at all honest, I should turn you on more than anyone else in the world ever could. I don't think there's much more I could say about this. Read my book and enjoy getting wet, honey.
26. "Tells me all the time how wonderful and amazing I am while not hesitating to nicely criticize and give me honest feedback"
Have I told you before how wonderful and amazing you are that I'm the ruler of the planet and you're so precious to me that you're the only person I've ever really wanted to spend my life with and feel certain nobody could ever be more appealing than? Well, I'll say it again, I'll tell you every day, and I'm happy to let you know as much as you want.
You're the most perfectly voluptuous goddess and such a precious person to me inside and out that nobody could ever even hope to replace you. At the same time, I'm really upset that you're not talking to me, and while I can understand you're concerned I'll leave you or laugh at you, I also don't understand how you can still have those fears as I'm continuing to make it increasingly obvious that I'm not trying to hurt you and I'm dying to hear from you and take this connection to the next level.
Doesn't this sound like stuff I've already told you many times before? Yeah. I definitely meet this requirement. Hands down. You know it.
27. "Lavishes me with words of affirmation"
Can you just read this message over a few times and see all the warm things I have to say to you and think about how I want to tell you that kind of loving stuff every single day if we were together? As long as you're not getting an ego and losing control of yourself, I'd be overjoyed to be able to call you a perfect goddess many times every single day. It would make me feel very good, perhaps just as good as it would make you feel to hear it from me.
This definitely won't be a problem.
28. "holds my hand in public"
Is this even a question? Of course I'll hold your hand in public. I'm not any kind of exhibitionist and don't find any appeal in it, but if it makes you feel more comfortable in my feelings for you and the strength of our relationship, I'll happily kiss you in public, grab your butt, whatever.
As long as you're not trying to put on a show for people and make some CornHub content, PDA isn't a problem for me.
29. "gives me gentle kisses and wraps his arms around me"
Yes please and yes please. I want to gently kiss you and wrap my arms around you every day. I already think about this every day. This definitely won't be a problem.
30. "makes me feel protected and safe and happy"
I mean, I'm a Permanent Chief of the Shadow Confederation. If protection from the literal Illuminati combined with eventually high-level quantum energy arts isn't enough to make you feel protected and safe, then nothing is going to do that. I can do that better than literally any other person that would ever want you in your entire life. And happy? I sure hope so. I'm pretty sure I've even changed your idea of what happy really is and made you happier at even the possibility you can get it, so I think I can do that better than anyone else ever could too.
There's more I'd like to address beyond this list as well.
I've told you many times before and I'm going to say it again. I never want children. I mean it and I'm definitely never changing my mind. I've never wanted children and it has nothing to do with my partner, my financial situation, or the point I'm at in my life. I simply don't find having children appealing at all and anyone I'd ever be with must accept this or I'll never date them. This point is absolutely definitely not up for debate and you must accept it or I'll never even consider dating you and isolation and ending the world is the certain future for me.
Not to shit on you, but on top of the fact that I've never wanted children anyways AND the fact that giving birth fucks up your energy core and destroys your potential for quantum energy arts training and subsequent eventual immortality (which you must be willing to learn and achieve with me because I don't plan to die if I can avoid it and I don't want to have to live only having you in my life for a few decades and then have to live millions or billions of years alone and banging hookers), but also, Kimi, I know you.
I've gotten to know your personality well the past three years. You're the type of person that would give a child a lot of attention, attention that would be taken away from me, and I can't have that in a relationship with you if it's going to be at all healthy. Additionally, you're the type that likes to prove you're independent and don't really need anyone, so you're very prone to wanting to be a single mother if not for any other reason but to prove to yourself and others that you can handle it.
When combined with the other reasons, I want you to know I'm not just saying it when I say we're never going to have kids. You either deal with that in a relationship with me or the world ends before you raise a child to live to even 5 years old. Is that unfair to you? Well, being the ruler of the planet and being led on for 3 years before going into isolation to end the world out of sadness and anger by someone who most would see as simply a random pretty girl on the internet that talks and plays games for a living is certainly unfair to me, so not to be brutal here, but I really don't care.
I know you really like words of affirmation, so I should give you some that show you how I really feel about you. You're bold, brave, funny, cute, sexy, ambitious, passionate, sensual, sweet, gentle, caring, sensitive, attentive, smart, curious, interesting, exciting, and you mean everything to me. You're the first person that's ever really made me feel loved. You're the first person I ever thought I actually would love to spend the rest of my life with and would never be able to find someone better than.
You make me feel wanted, cared about, and like I could actually be sexy somehow, even though I never thought anyone would ever be able to make me feel that way. Even more than that, you make me feel that it really matters because I know that meaning whatever it is I mean to you didn't come easily, and with how much you must've been willing to trust me to put yourself in this position, I really feel like you don't want to lose me. For the first time in my life, I know there really is someone out there that I absolutely can't live without, and that person is you.
That being said, you've had your chance to make a list, and I've now addressed every point and I don't think anything will be a problem. However, I have a list too, and I really don't know if it's going to be a problem for you or not. I can only hope it won't be, because the fate of society is literally in your hands.
You know what I look for in a partner? I wouldn't call it simple.
Someone bold but not careless. Someone strong but not controlling. Someone that really understands having attention but doesn't seek too much of it. Someone that wants to be very smart and powerful but not to be cruel. Someone ambitious and passionate towards their goals and desires in life, but flexible enough not to be too stubborn. Someone that's an equal balance of cute and sexy, but has an immense amount of both at the same time. Someone sweet and gentle that doesn't ever feel an inherent need to compensate for it somehow by being intentionally mean or cruel simply for the sake of it. Someone very sensitive and sensual. Someone that's curious but also interesting. Someone that's smart but also exciting and also doesn't take a desire for excitement too far. Someone that's very caring and also understands very well how to show it in a meaningful way that touches my heart and feeds my soul. Someone very sexy physically that also has a high sex drive like me and will never leave me wanting without receiving. Someone that sets high standards for both themselves and others, but also knows how to be realistic as well as balance their desires to truly be able to enjoy life. Someone who is truly okay with never having children even if they're very capable of being a good parent. Someone who can understand and appreciate the value of the quantum energy arts and immortality. Someone who can love and accept the female that I am inside, as well as my desire to start expressing it outwardly, while also loving that I have a dick and being able to appreciate any of the more masculine personality attributes I may have or express at times.
You're the only person I've ever felt could really be that someone.
Additionally, I took the love languages test that I've seen you use in the past to gauge your love languages, and I scored 12 in physical touch, then 6 evenly across the board in acts of service, quality time, and words of affirmation, with 0 in receiving gifts. This result feels completely accurate to me.
So yes, you're extremely physically attractive; easily by far the sexiest person that could ever exist as far as I'm concerned. Yes, your butt is very plump and the perfect shape and size. Yes, your breasts are the perfect shape and size. Yes, your face is the most gorgeous face I could ever imagine, both with and without makeup. Yes, your overall figure is slender and extremely arousing. Yes, your voice is sensual and also turns me on a lot when you're intentionally being sensual with it. But these things are definitely not all that I see when I think about you. They're definitely not the only reason stroking my cock and having orgasms to you feels amazing and far better than it could ever feel to anyone else. They're definitely not the only reason I dream of cuddling with you and holding you in my arms and gently kissing you and playing with your hair. They're definitely not the only reason I want to date, marry, and spend my life with you.
Don't try to call me shallow. I know I'm not. While I may have very initially been interested in talking to you because you have a gorgeous face, I stayed because interacting with you has genuinely made me feel good in a way that I know nobody else in the entire world could ever make me feel.
If I just wanted people patting me on the back, I could have friends for that. If I just wanted a hot girl to do sexual things with, I could have hookers for that. If I just wanted attention, I could get that without your help. If I just wanted someone to talk to, I could see a therapist.
I don't want people that just do one or some of these things, I want someone extremely special to me that can do them all. You're the only person that could ever possibly be that for me, and if it turns out that you don't want to be, then there's really nothing that holds me back from having complete desire to go into isolation to meditate to destroy the world and promptly starting to act upon that extremely intense desire.
I need you to read every single word I've written here, from beginning to end, and really try your best to feel in your heart how much I must care about you to make this. I literally never even thought of writing a book in my life until I was just thinking one day about what I could possibly do to be most productive in my life and work the hardest towards not only dating you but really knowing that I deserve to, and that's when the idea came into my head and it actually also made sense to act upon it.
Because a meaningful and loving connection with someone very special to me was always more important to me than fame or money, I would've never written a book if I didn't have you in my life, because it would've very actively worked against me achieving my biggest goal of all.
I love you.
I mentioned in the beginning that I released an initial version of this book that was much more brutal and that I'd written as such because I felt hopeless.
It really did get me in quite some trouble. Because of some of the dark things I'd written, there was a warrant out for my arrest.
After I saw how Kimi reacted to my public confrontation and seeing that I hadn't gotten the result I'd wanted, I decided to turn myself in to the police and see what happens.
I turned myself in to the cops shortly after I sent Kimi the last message I sent her in 2019, and I was in jail up until April of 2020. There was a warrant out for my arrest because Discord called the cops on me back in August when they banned my account, and I figured that since there's no way we could be together properly if I'm wanted, I had to deal with it.
After turning myself in, the cops told me what I was being charged for exactly. Because of some of the stuff in the initial version of the book, long before it was released, even just from the table of contents leaks I made on Discord, I got charged with two counts of uttering death threats, towards my mother and father.
After I got a lawyer, I asked her why I wasn't charged for threatening a lot more people. She told me it's because there are certain legal criteria something considered a death threat has to fall under to be considered serious, and one significant one is that generally the person should at least live in the same country; since most on the list don't even live in Canada, the "creative expression" factor excludes me from being charged against them. Additionally, the threat should generally be quite specific to a person, and vaguely threatening to destroy the world, no matter how seriously you back the claim up, doesn't actually meet the qualifying criteria for any criminal charges.
A few days after I had been in jail, I was informed they also added a criminal harassment charge against me towards Chloe, for sending her those Facebook messages and meeting her in person that one time after so many years. My lawyer informed me that the crown sees viability in the charge from the sexual harassment charge I had against her back in high school that got dropped but remained on record for having existed; it's seen as reason I should've known she wouldn't want the contact and that I was being "reckless" in contacting her.
I was never with her and have no desire to chase her. I've never even had any real romantic connection with her. I've never dated her and I don't want to. I don't think she ever loved me and I'll never believe otherwise no matter what she does now, not that she has any intention of trying to convince me otherwise anyways as far as I'm aware.
The crown wants me to plead guilty to 12 months for criminal harassment, dropping the uttering death threat charges. My lawyer advised me that we can take it to trial and she wouldn't ask for more than 6 months; it's also possible to try to negotiate for a better deal. I asked her how they could even suggest one should get so much time for such a petty crime. She said that normally I would've gotten maybe a month or two, especially considering I don't have a record nor do I own any guns, but my book is considered an "aggravating factor".
They tried offering me bail early, but I figured I have nothing to rush for on the outside, plus I'd already confirmed the release of the virus, so I decided to stick around in jail for a while and see what's up. I was also serving "dead time"; time you serve before a finding of guilt and a sentencing counts for 1.5 times the days you're actually doing.
COVID-19 was started by some bad food? I certainly hope you're smarter than to believe that shit. It was started intentionally by the Shadow Confederation. They called it FMA-27. I authorized it before I got arrested; it's to serve as a warning shot to Kimi and anyone who wants to doubt my power. The Shadow Confederation happened to also want to do some fuckery with the Chinese economy; that's why they found it quite convenient to choose there to start it. The public health officials just assume some shit that sounds reasonable and feed it to the masses so they don't sound dumb as fuck simply stating "we don't have a clue in fuck why the world is getting fucked in the ass right now". Masses just assume some shit that seems plausible but have no real idea. The Shadow Confederation already had the cure before releasing it into the wild.
The virus isn't strong enough to kill most people that aren't in a considerably compromised immune or general health state, so it's only likely to kill mostly infants, elderly, and those with existing considerable illness, usually lung or heart disease.
Since I'm trying to make my relationship with Kimi work, and the pandemic was intended more as a warning shot than anything else, which it's already clearly seen wide recognition and effect for, I don't mind publicly sharing that I've been told by them that one thing that can treat/cure it in a notable amount of cases is Vicks. Regular nasal application will help with opening the airways and getting rid of the difficulty breathing. If your body gets enough oxygen, the fever and other symptoms also are greatly reduced or eliminated. Other than nasal application, you can also rub it on your chest and the sinus area on your face, and if you want to try to maximize it's helpfulness, you can even go as far as to mix it with water and heat it up to have hot vapor of it to inhale into your lungs, although you should take note that it doesn't directly mix with water well, so there will be oily residue left on any pan or whatever that you might heat it up with water in. Maybe you think it's stupid, but it works. In case you get it, there you go, hopefully it helps you, since it's shown to in several tests conducted by the Shadow Confederation. It has a considerably reduced chance of working if your immune system is compromized, but if you're otherwise healthy, it should help with the symptoms.
Anyways, back to what I was saying.
With the virus being released, I knew I had to try to revise the highly destructive version of the book I'd released into one that actually could result in the healthy and loving relationship with Kimi that I've always wanted and worked so hard towards for so long. However, I knew I wanted to give her space for at least a few months first, so she'd see how it feels when I'm gone and understand if I talk to her again, I'm completely done playing any games.
My detainment was an interesting experience. Some people wanted to fight me, but my calm, mature demeanor earned me respect, and I never actually got into a fight. There were a couple people who's sexuality I had reason to question, but I was certainly not interested in anything from them and was never sexually aggressive with anyone, nor did I ever have to deal with anyone being sexually aggressive towards me. In jail, they call me "Pablo" (for Pablo Escobar; apparently I look Mexican and resemble him with facial hair and when I have short head hair) or "professor" (Because when people asked me what I was in for and I told them I wrote a 467 page book, many got curious and inquired about it more and I gave several people lectures about my knowledge in philopsychology; some laughed and others were visibly super mindfucked).
I made several connections, from small-time drug dealers to major fraudsters and killers. I came out with a bunch of names and numbers, and from that alone, I can now easily participate in fraud for hundreds of thousands, get my hands on pretty much any drug I want, and even know people for things like fake passports/id, guns, kidnapping, hits, etc. It's funny, really. I went in there for piss all and wouldn't have had any connections without the Shadow Confederation, and I've come out more equipped than ever to do crazy shit that even someone too stupid to accept the existence of the Shadow Confederation or quantum energy arts has to respect.
Because of my book, about a month in, the judge also ordered a thorough psychological evaluation at a mental hospital. It ended up lasting 60 days, the legal maximum for such an evaluation. I spent many hours lecturing the psychologists; even they started literally calling our talks lectures. When they gave me general questionnaires, they were impressed I knew about the DSM-5 and literally left speechless when I started just straight up telling them the illnesses I knew each question was testing for before casually giving an answer they could tell I knew wouldn't result in a diagnosis for them. They told me they could see I'm clearly very intelligent and after I gave them "homework" (their words not mine) to read my book, they came back to me and told me I'm a very good writer and the parts they read were very interesting.
Their final conclusion was far from a surprise to me. They told me that based on the DSM-5 criteria of holding beliefs that considerably deviate from the norm, combined with what can be considered as a lack of functioning in a way considered "normal" by society (no formal job, homeless), I could be considered to fall under the classification for "delusional disorder". However, they said that the DSM-5 likes to try to fit people into neat boxes and ultimately it comes to a case-by-case evaluation of an individual; after everything I'd shared with them and how coherent and rational I was about everything, they concluded that they didn't actually think I'm delusional. They also said that they felt honored to have gotten to meet me (I'm not joking; I laughed) and very thankful I was so open and willing to share information for the evaluation.
While at the hospital, they took blood tests the first week, and they asked me if I wanted additional tests for STDs. I specifically mentioned I want to be tested for hep C because I'm worried I might have it, and they said they can run a bunch of other tests for other STDs too, so I said why not. Turns out I don't have hep C (or any other STDs). I asked a nurse how I didn't end up getting it after explaining what happened to me with the guy from the homeless shelter who cut me and wiped his blood on me; the nurse said that often things like that don't actually transmit it because you're bleeding out at the same time the blood is getting near you, so there's a pretty good chance the infected blood won't actually get inside you and infect you.
The legal purpose of the evaluation was to test for the finding of an NCR (Not Criminally Responsible) result of the case, meaning I'd spend time dealing with the mental health system in the mental health hospital instead of the criminal justice system and jail; the judge had literally stated in court that he thought I have mental illness so that's why he was ordering it. Needless to say, I was not qualified for NCR, so I returned to jail after that.
A month later, this pandemic was making the courts nervous to keep people in jail for fear of spreading it, so they started pushing to give more people bail and more easily. I figured that it'd also been a few months since the last message I gave Kimi in 2019, and also the 3 year mark since the first time we met in person, so it was a good time to try to get a clearer picture of things and see what direction my life is going to head; I took bail.
At this point, I've done nearly 4 months in already. That's 6 months with dead time, so there's a good chance I'll already get time served even if I'm found guilty. Even in a worst case scenario, I'd be looking at only 4 more months in (You only have to serve 2/3rds of whatever you're left with at sentencing with good behavior, which isn't a problem for me) or 2 months with parole (which I should be able to get in that case, given my lack of an existing record). I also should be able to get a conditional sentence since my charge is soft, so I'm probably not looking at any more jail time regardless. Because of the pandemic, courts are backed up, and once they start settling down (which probably still won't be for several months), there's even a chance the charges will be straight up dropped since they'll probably start just wanting to dismiss charges that aren't more serious, and ultimately, my charges aren't that serious and I've even served quite some time for them already.
I did some research on how a criminal record affects travel and immigration to the U.S. Even with a guilty conviction, I still won't have a problem there, because the charge is soft. From Wikipedia:
A conviction for a crime involving moral turpitude (CIMT) causes a person to be inadmissible to the United States under section 212(a)(2)(a)(i) of the INA (Immigration and Nationality Act).
If you look at the Wikipedia page, it outlines all the crimes considered involving mortal turpitude. Uttering death threats and criminal harassment are considered petty crimes and don't make an individual inadmissible to the U.S. so regardless of if I'm found guilty of one or even both of those things, that doesn't affect my ability to travel or move there.
I'll never accept being just friends or neutral with Kimi; we're lovers or enemies, whether she likes it or not. I'll make absolutely sure of that.
In jail, I could've been preoccupied with the criminal degenerates surrounding me, the crappy food, the dry air, the suffocating small cell, and the fact that the police seized my phone and laptop that have years of code and documents of various types on them, but all I could really think about everyday was Kimi. I'd wonder if she was worried I just disappeared so suddenly or if she was happy and hoped I was dead. I'd wonder if she started officially dating someone else or was desperately waiting for me to come back to her. I'd wonder if she thought I was actually gone or if I was just trying to give her space and desperately hoping she'd call me back and be with me.
No matter how much I worried or what I worried about though, I never stopped loving her. I truly hope with every bit of my mind, heart, and soul that she finally starts treating me with the love and respect that I deserve and our connection doesn't have to start taking the world down an unfortunate path. She'll always have an extremely special place in my heart, a place nobody else has ever had and never will be able to have. Despite all she's put me through, I still feel this immense tenderness and warmth with every part of me towards her that I can't explain in any way other than that I love her more than words could ever describe. I really don't want to lose that.
If she's set on closing her heart to me forever no matter what I do and therefore wishes the end of the world to come, I suppose there's really nothing I can do about that, but I need to know the truth, because even until now, she's giving me so much reason to remain hopeful that things between us can work out. I was so worried when I wrote that message to her in 2019 before going to jail, and I still am right now, but I love her so much that the only option I see is to keep hoping for the best and that she loves me and will be with me. This whole time, I thought she was the kind of woman that wants to hold me everyday and tell me she never wants to let go. The kind of woman that knows she'll never find someone like me and she'll never really feel okay without me and isn't afraid to show it because she knows I'll always feel the same way about her. The kind of woman that wants to shower me with love and affection because she knows it means a lot to me and I really enjoy receiving it, not just because it's so meaningful and special coming from her, but because I want to shower her with love and affection always and I just need her to make it feel right. The kind of woman that picks very carefully one person to get extremely invested in and will try her best to make it work no matter how challenging it may be at first, because she knows it'll be really worth it in the end. In my heart, I still feel these things, and I truly hope, with everything I've got, that all the negative worries in my mind about her are wrong.
I hope she already knows I'm a very sensitive person inside, like her, and I want her to know that it deeply touched my heart when she expressed that she felt very attached to me. As I told her, I have no problem about her having expressed her feelings in a pretty yandere way. The problem I had was with the cruel and sadistic attitude right after where she basically laughed at me and seemed to just be trying to bait further donations. I told her I need very clear warmth in order to know her feelings are genuine and positive, and I've already told her many times before that I'm not into any of that BDSM shit.
I can understand if she wanted the drama for attention or if she was just really having trouble trusting me at the time, so I don't consider the very real potential for an extremely loving relationship between us over as of this moment, which is why I've decided to complete this revised version of the book and take down the original.
I can understand if she's very worried about losing me and wanted to see how I'd react and if I'd prove I'm really committed. I've always been committed to making our relationship work, and I certainly want her to know that.
I've even gone in and out of jail for this, for us to be able to work. I've now done everything I possibly could do, and it's entirely up to her what the fate of the world will be.
Kimi, remember, no matter what anyone tells you, you are and will forever be queen of the world.
I love you so much. Everyday, I wish I could be holding you and comforting you and telling you I love you. I miss you so much and I need to know once and for all how you really feel. If you don't extremely clearly express intense warmth and affection for me and actively work towards an extremely loving and caring relationship with me, I'm going to have no other option than to accept that things must truly go down an unfortunate path, and in that case, don't bother ever trying to get me back, because our connection will be irreparably fucked up, the world will be ending, and it's all your fault.
If you've been fake to me this whole time and hate me even after I've made your life so much better and loved you so much for so long and in a way you'll never get from anyone else in your life, understand I'll never let it go. I need you to understand that I'm dead serious about everything and that if you truly can't find it in your heart to love me, you really have hurt me so deeply and scarred me in a way that I'll never be able to look at humanity the same. I'll have no option but to change from seeing such a bright future with you to only darkness and destruction with isolation, meditation, and an extremely unfortunate redemption.
Either way, you're going to get what you deserve. After all of this, it should be extremely clear to you that I love you very much. If you're really a loving person that actually loves me a lot but just felt really worried that I don't see it clearly or don't feel the same way, you now can be certain that I see and feel the same way, and you'll get the extremely loving and caring relationship you've always dreamed of with me that you deserve. If you're an insane psychopath future serial killer that for some insane reason hates me even though I've done so much for you and still love you so much even after everything I've been through, you'll get your career, friendships, and life fucked up as you deserve, and I'll start working towards destroying the world; it'll make me extremely sad and angry to have to do that and my whole perception of love being so off that I could so deeply love someone that's so fucked up would make me completely unable to ever trust or love again, leaving me only with the desire to destroy the world.
I need you to understand that I wouldn't be nearly this quick to question your love for me if we actually had a functional relationship. The only reason I'm so worried and have been for so long is because to this day, you haven't even once clearly expressed affection directly towards me; it's always been indirect through music and reactions on stream and social media. I think you can easily understand how the fact that you haven't actually said a word directly to me for over 2 years now is concerning. I don't even have your phone number. I love you immensely, but these things hurt a lot. I want to consider you my girlfriend, but what kind of girlfriend doesn't directly talk to their partner for over 2 years and doesn't even give them her number? I'm not trying to be dishonest. I feel certain you'd be really loving if we were communicating properly, and that's all the more reason it needs to start happening.
I'm truly going to be permanently extremely deeply scarred and absolutely soul crushed if I don't get to be with you, Kimi. I'll truly never be able to trust nor love anyone ever again. I tried my best to make sure you didn't feel like you could just use me for anything, be it money, knowledge, affection, or pleasure. I tried my best to always be as understanding as possible with everything you did. I always came back quickly when we started getting more distant and you expressed that you were hurting without me; I only left you alone a while longer this time because I wanted you to really understand that things are extremely serious and it's time to stop messing around. I always worked towards a fair relationship filled with love and respect and no double standards. I always chose to believe the best in you, no matter how bad the situation seemed, and you always seemed to know just what to do to make me feel like you might really care a lot about this relationship working out.
I've thought about you a lot since the first time we met. I've always known that you're extremely precious to me, and making this relationship work means everything to me. I know it may be hard to believe because of all your worry from our fights and guilt from hurting me and talking bad about me behind my back, but it's true. I've always tried my best to show you I care about you more than anyone and anything else. I've sacrificed so much these past few years to grow as close as possible to you every single day. No matter how you pushed me away, I always came back. I was always paying attention to you and thinking of you. I mean it when I've told you not a day has gone by since we met where I haven't thought of you. While I do sometimes worry you may be a bad person, I always end up feeling this warmth I can't quite explain and it always makes me see the best in you. You've truly become the only light for me in a dark world; please don't take that away.
I wasn't able to watch any of your streams while I was in jail and the mental hospital, but your Twitter accounts say it all.
Why the breakdowns? Therapy? Purple hair? You've very clearly begged for my attention.
I feel like this should be obvious, but I'll spell it out for you, just so you can't say that I didn't make it crystal clear. I'm not pursuing this just because you seemed to be asking for it. I'm pursuing it more than anything else because it's genuinely very much what I actually always wanted to do. Even if you hadn't been having mental breakdowns, went to therapy, and dyed your hair a color you knew I really like while I was gone, I'd still have tried communicating with you and seeing if I could make things work after getting out of jail.
All your behavior that seemed to be calling for me did was make me feel a little more comfortable/confident continuing to pursue you, which I see (and you should see too) as a good thing, especially considering how you can see things have turned out. If you were very resistant to drawing me closer, that just would've made me feel more hopeless and attracted a really bad outcome for both of us and the rest of the world, so you shouldn't regret it or try to backtrack now. I'm already completely committed to you and was before you even did these things. I don't know how you intend to proceed with our connection, but make sure you remember all the facts so you don't end up massively regretting things later.
Don't ever break my heart, otherwise things will be extremely bad. I can't stress it enough. That's what it comes down to. I told you I'll be as patient, understanding, and loving as I need to be, and I mean it.
If you don't start treating me right, I'll have no question in my mind that you never loved me. In that case, I can guarantee you that this is the last time you'll ever get any attention from me that you could ever really enjoy.
I don't regret the struggle. If you were being romantic this whole time and just desperately hoping it'd work out if you tried hard enough, then I feel certain you have a lot of love in your heart to be a wonderful girlfriend and wife. I know that you alone would be enough for me. It's been strange and stressful, but I'm absolutely certain that if ever there could be a woman I'd marry, it could only be you. I've never even wanted to marry a girl before I met you, but I already knew I wanted you as my wife forever from the first time we met.
I've only found myself seeing you more and more attractive, mentally and physically, as time has went on, and your increasing displays of affection when we start getting distant and your clear desire to arouse me have only intensified this attraction I feel towards you. We've both shared some very personal things with each other, and exposed our strengths and weaknesses to each other as our connection has progressed and grown. I know that I feel far closer to you than I ever have and will feel to anyone else, and I wouldn't rather have it any other way. Whether I'm right about you and you love me extremely deeply, or I'm wrong about you and you're a massive psychopath that's beyond real help and probably going to end up a serial killer or committing suicide or some fucked up shit and you won't date me because you're an extremely sadistic and messed up monster and as a result my extremely deepened irredeemable perpetual sorrow will cause me to meditate in isolation and end up destroying the world, I want you to know that I was never being fake to you all these years when I told you from the very beginning that you're my dream woman.
Within a few weeks after I released the initial version of this book and shared it with many people by mentioning them on Twitter, one of which was NF, he came out with a new, unexpected track called PAID MY DUES. Several aspects of this track give me what I'd consider good reason to believe he saw the book and was inspired by it.
In PAID MY DUES, NF demonstrates a suddenly considerably changed mood from his last released album "The Search". This track is following not very long after I shared the release of my book with him, and I was very excited and pleasantly surprised that it seems like he's actually read at least some of it. It's seemed to have an overall quite positive impact on his life, and if I'm right about him having read it, then I'm very happy to have been able to inspire and positively effect the life of someone I consider myself a big fan of and that has considerably inspired and had a positive impact on my life.
Let's get into it.
[Verse 1] Clicks, clicks, clicks, they'll do anything to get a few
Something very apparent throughout this track is how NF is taking a major shit all over the many critics that try to paint his music in a very negative light, portraying a very ignorant understanding of the immense depth and the variance in potential emotional impact that his music can have to a wide variety of people. He's starting right off the bat by addressing that he's disgusted by how the media (and perhaps even society in general these days even) are so obsessed with attention and simply "getting the numbers up" that they sacrifice integrity and awareness just for short-term validation and dopamine rushes.
Tick, tick, tick, that's the sound before my head explodes
Already we get into a bar with multiple meanings. First, he's addressing the general pattern that his music serves to show him dealing with problems and ruminating on them with rhymes until he finishes a track and his "head explodes" by releasing a track and suddenly revealing his thoughts. Second, he's showing his confidence that the pattern is continuing with this track and will continue beyond it as well, already starting to show how he's pulling an intense reversal on all the critics that thought they'd perhaps managed to actually get him so down about their continued instances of painting him in a bad light to the point they thought he'd quit rapping because of it. Third, he's alluding the major mood switch up of this track from his The Search album and how he has even more in his head that he's already working on, and that time is just ticking before his "head explodes" yet again with more music and a new perspective.
Right from the first two bars, we're already seeing bidirectional apprehension taking play. He starts by talking about the main topic he's addressing in the track, the article that the negative and ignorant critics wrote just to get some clicks and attention, and follows up immediately with the awareness that the result was that he started thinking about how he's going to respond. This already sets the tone of the track as a more aggressive and hype song, as opposed to one that's more broody like "Leave Me Alone". Since he very rarely addresses his critics and such a bold and aggressive introduction for the track directly attacking them is something new from him, it's already very interesting to a fan right from the beginning.
Quit, quit, quit, look at you up on your pedestals
Continuing with the concept of shitting on the critics that constantly paint him in a negative light, he's showing that he doesn't see them as being humble or considering him an equal, but rather arrogantly assuming they're better than him because of their influence over a large audience, putting them in a position where they think they can just do what they want and everything will be fine.
Quick, quick, quick, here the critics come, it's time to go
More multiple meanings. So, he released his The Search album, and pretty quickly, he had critics portraying his album in a negative light, as he's experienced multiple times before with previous albums as well. He's showing that he's used to it by now and he expected it.
With "it's time to go", we have another part with multiple meanings. First, it can be interpreted as him saying he's contemplated actually quitting this time with the continuing negative critiques. Showing that he's thought about it means he's not afraid to express that he looks at the "advice" that critiques are conveying and doesn't just ignore it without even thinking about it, meaning that he's that much more empowered and confident in his decision not to do it if he takes that path. Second (and much more focused on, which becomes more and more apparent as the track goes on), he's ironically showing that he knows very well what the critics want him to do and that he laughs it off and chooses to destroy them instead and go even harder with more fire bars and tracks.
I read your article, it kinda hurt me
Once again showing that he's not blindly ignorant to opinions and advice of others, he's mentioning that he reads what people think about his album instead of just running away from it. There are a few articles written in different places about his album, but likely the main one he's talking about is the one from the Rolling Stone where they call his album "a One-Note Depression Symphony". By saying that it hurt him, he's showing that he's not afraid to admit that he didn't like it and that he's upset he has to deal with fuckery of ignorant people that will warp the message of his music for their own selfish benefit. By including the word "kinda", he's simultaneously showing that while he's not ignorant about it, he's not going to dwell on it either, and instead of staying down about it, he's going to see what he can do about his negative feelings and not let them grow.
I don't know who hired you or what your friends say in your circle
This is the first bar I heard where I started to feel like NF might've read my book. Among the many I mentioned in my multi-reply mass-mention spree as part of my book release Tweet, I included NF because his music has had a major positive impact in my life and he's the top spot in the "Honorable Mentions" section where I list people that have had a notable positive impact on my life that I also have no hard feelings towards.
In this bar, he's saying that he doesn't know the people that pay the critics that write bad reviews of his songs. Since these are large corporations, he knows the people paying ultimately are quite powerful. With the depth that NF thinks about life, I'm sure he's contemplated before on the existence of the Shadow Confederation and suspected, if not knew, it exists, before I ever exposed him to my book. With the exposure to my book, he became certain, and this line shows that he also knows whoever is paying these people to write poorly about him isn't me, since he can tell from my breakdown of his track "WHY" that the way I'm able to view and openly express that view about his music demonstrates coming from a very different place than those critics. When I do a breakdown of his songs like this, it's not a critique at all, but rather an in-depth analysis exploring all the angles, showing him as very intelligent and emotionally strong.
But the fact that you released it tells me two things are for certain They get paid for trashin' people, I get paid 'cause I stay workin' (Yeah)
Here, NF makes the first blatant display of bidirectional apprehension in the track. This is where he starts taking a hard shit on the critics that think he's depressing with his music. Showing that he understands looking at the same event from different perspectives and doesn't just see the negative angle allows him to set the tone for the rest of the track that he's angry and he knows why he deserves to be.
The imagery in the music video that he's floating above the couch symbolizes that he's in a mental state where he's on a whole other level above the bullshit, and if the couch is to symbolize a place he's resting, then he's showing that he's resting at a mental state where the hate doesn't even actually touch him.
Dropped The Search and they emerge up outta nowhere to the surface Just to peek behind the curtain, throwin' salt at all my burdens
As he said before, NF doesn't have any personal connection with the people that write these negative critiques about him. They shit on him whenever they please and paint him in a negative light to feed the negative narrative that many in society feed off of, and when they can't do that, they're nowhere to be seen in his life. Here, he shows his further frustration that he's not praised for his music that they can't more easily warp to seem purely negative.
NF exposing his burdens to the world with his tracks, burdens that he may not even necessarily have dealt with, can be considered an open wound, and "throwing salt" on them can be taken both in the sense that the angry critics are salty at his success and throwing hate his way because of their jealousy and also the fact that the insulting shallow and one-sided interpretation of his work is like what happens when you literally put salt on an open wound; it burns.
I'm aware I shouldn't give this my attention, life's a journey I should just stay on my path and learn to laugh, you think they heard me?
All the people that think NF is just releasing depressing music conveniently neglect that he must have considerable mental fortitude to be capable of not only expressing himself so thoroughly but also having the emotional resilience to endure making himself so vulnerable to such a large audience and ultimately the whole world. Here, he's showing that he's not focused on the saddening aspects of the dark things he may say, and that he understands that for all the burdens he has and expresses in his songs, he should ultimately still be constantly trying his best to follow a constructive path in life and look back on things he's overcome in as lighthearted of a way as realistically possible, not choosing to dwell on them indefinitely.
Considering the overall mood in his last album "The Search" demonstrating his intense frustration with the negative critics in tracks like "Leave Me Alone", this attitude is a major mood switch up from being more passive about his frustration into clear aggression. This is the second part that made me start to feel more like NF read my book, since his mood seemed to have changed so suddenly, and it seems at a time all too conveniently right after I shared my book with him.
The part "you think they heard me?" also has multiple meanings. First, he's saying that this was always the message in his songs, but that so many that just think he's depressing aren't intelligent and emotionally aware enough to understand it. Second, he's saying that even with this track that clearly is lit AF and shouldn't reasonably be seen to be just depressing by the people that negatively view his work, he still thinks they won't understand that he's actually a lot deeper and smarter than a very shallow view and understanding of his songs might suggest to those that don't get it. Third, this serves as a further calling out of the media and the critics that try to constantly paint him in a negative light, him expressing that he knows even when he makes a song they can't try to find a way to blatantly shit on, they won't praise him, they'll try to simply ignore it and instead continue to only look to bash him for any music he might make that can be interpreted more negatively.
Ears are burning, put 'em out, quiet, quiet, look around
This is another part with multiple meanings. First, he can be addressing his own ears burning from all the negative critiques and him silencing the noise and taking a step back to see the impact his album had in a broader view than just the mass media that ignorantly paint him in a negative light. The focus on this interpretation goes hand-in-hand to empower an interpretation of the next line as well. Second, he can be addressing the ears of the critics burning, saying he's putting the fire from his last album out with this track and telling them to take a good look in the world for something different to write about.
Why don't they find someone way more interesting to write about?
When immediately following the last bar, and especially with his expression in the music video at this point, this one immediately hit me really hard. It was after this bar where I suddenly really had the strong feeling NF read my book. When looking at the interpretation that he silenced the mental noise from the hate and he looked around at the overall impact of his book, it makes a lot of sense that at one of those points where he was trying to clear his head of the noise, he checked his Twitter and noticed the tweet I mentioned him in.
His expression in the music video at this point seems to convey an attitude where he's extremely confident in his "suggestion" here, and that he actually already knows of someone that he considers way more interesting than himself to write about. This part is where the aggression towards the media and the literally threatening attitude he has that he sees what they did to him as an attack and he's planning to attack back really starts to become apparent. The overall imagery in the music video here is that he's still quite silent in the corner, but he's just waiting to snap hard, which further increases the powerful overall message in this track that demonstrates a very different mood from that in his recently dropped album.
This can also be interpreted as expressing that while the critics are rude and put his album down for being depressing, he knows that it's impressive and interesting that he managed to surpass album sales of a rapper much more popular than him, and it can be seen as a challenge to find someone that achieves more interesting feats than him in such a regard, especially while not thinking outside the box like he does. The reason NF managed to gain surprising success is owed to the deep and emotional content of his songs, the same content that he's getting bashed for. If he stuck to shallow topics distant from a lot of more regular people's lives, the likelihood that he could surpass album sales of another rapper doing something very similar but much more popular becomes far less.
Us, we're kinda boring, aren't we? All we do is whine and pout It's confusing, so amusing how I argue with myself
Here, he's showing a new perspective on his music as well. There are multiple interpretations. First, there's the literal one where he's saying that complaining and fighting with himself can be uninteresting and come off confusing and/or amusing to many. Second, there's further depth in calling out the shallowness of the critics' interpretations of his music, showing that he knows a shallow interpretation of his music where he's just seen as complaining about his struggles isn't going to have the kind of impact that he really intends and wants his music to have on a person. Third, he can be seen as saying that he's seen a new perspective in his music and is now able to much more easily see it as amusing how confused he felt in the past while writing songs he himself even couldn't understand why he felt were perhaps even deeper than he understood.
Hello
In the music video, at this point, NF is in a change room, and suddenly a version of him dressed in all white just appears in the background and waves. In "Leave Me Alone", NF shows people entering the circus with black clothing and leaving with white clothing. This symbolizes the fact that people typically try to cleanse themselves of their burdens in life by being clowns and covering up their mental issues instead of actually trying to face and overcome them. In the track "The Search", NF shows how people have even tried to help him with his burdens (in how he's handed white clothing), but that he didn't put it on, presumably because it doesn't feel right, which is why he was still searching.
In the imagery in "PAID MY DUES", NF shows how instead of becoming a clown, he seeks real, deep change, and during this line he's shown in a change room in his black clothing, with a version of him in all white clothing suddenly appearing in the background to wave, showing that he's suddenly made very significant progress since he released his "The Search" album, and now a new him has been born. The strong contrast here with the imagery in his "The Search" album is further reason why I believe he read my book and it had a strong and positive impact in his mindset.
[Verse 2] I spit it with ease, so leave it to me You doubt it, but you better believe
Starting a much faster flow after the beat drops, NF begins strong with his mood switch up from his last album into his more positive and aggressive stance on those that constantly doubt his skills.
I'm on a rampage, hit 'em with the record release Depend on the week, I'm prolly gonna have to achieve Another goal, let me go when I'm over the beat
NF released his album on the same week that a much more famous rapper, Chance The Rapper, released an album of his own. If he hadn't done so, he would've got critiqued for dropping it when nobody else dropped anything, with the critics saying that it was too easy for him to get the spot of top recently released album on charts, because there was no competition. Since he chose to release it at the same time as another artist, even upon his album achieving greater success, he's now gotten critiqued for simply "not deserving it", which is how the article from the Rolling Stone presents it, which is what he's talking about when he mentioned an article he read earlier.
I go into beast mode, like I'm ready to feast I'm fed up with these thieves, tryna get me to bleed They wanna see me take an L, yep, see what I mean?
Here, NF expresses that he can see that even when his album is really solid, as many more unbiased people would agree, he's really frustrated that mass media seems to want him to feel like he lost against other rappers, even when he clearly won and deserves it. Because individuals with pure bidirectional apprehension are hard to understand, and people don't like things they can't understand, they're often put down simply for being themselves, even when they have achieved significant feats and deserve more respect.
This relates to my current situation because obviously I've gone into my own beast mode with releasing my book, having been fed up myself with all the ignorant idiots that constantly tried to tell me I'm delusional and stupid for holding the views that I do with such conviction. Obviously, such people wanted to see me give up on pursuing the kind of depth of thought that I was working with, instead wanting me to end up confirming their ego-driven bullshit views that I'm actually just someone really stupid for being as angry as I am with the world. Many people have hated on me for the intelligence that I've displayed, so this certainly shouldn't be taken as a personal attack on Kimi or her friends.
I'm not sure if Kimi wants to see me humiliated and soul-crushed, as I definitely would be if she ultimately rejects me, but I'm choosing to believe the best in her and believe that with all the warmth she's communicated to me thus far, she's not one of the people that wants to see me end up at a loss from this situation and having to go into isolation to destroy the world.
How many records I gotta give you to get with the program?
This line serves to show NF's frustration that even after he's released multiple albums, there are still so many, including even mass media, that don't grasp the depth of the messages in his music. He's always had a more emotional and deep style, which is in strong contrast to the really shallow content a lot of other rappers cover that often seems distant from the reality most normal people experience.
In the music video at this point, he looks at his "The Search" album and throws it in the toilet himself. When combined with alluding to something coming in the future called "Lost", it serves to demonstrate that while he used to be searching and was struggling with feeling lost, he's beyond struggling now and has instead chosen to embrace feeling lost. In "Green Lights", from his previous album, he mentions releasing an album a year for the last 3 years as of the release of his "Perception" album and not liking to waste time, and here the symbolism seems to indicate that he doesn't plan to stop that trend even after "The Search".
Taken for granted, I'm 'bout to give you the whole plan
This was another bar that makes me feel like NF read my book. He's alluding to the fact that despite all the personal things he's shared throughout his many tracks, he still has a bigger vision that he hasn't more explicitly shared, but that something changed for him and he no longer wants to refrain from doing so.
There are also multiple interpretations possible. First, he can be seen as saying that this track itself is giving a lot of insight into his views that he hasn't given before, which it can certainly be said to do. Second, he can be seen as alluding to the ending where he is drawing his signature dark smile mouth with the word "Lost" above it, indicating he plans to drop something named "Lost", which may perhaps be an album name, an individual track name, or perhaps both the name of a track as well as the name of an album the track is contained in, the way that he did with "The Search". Third, he could be alluding to the fact that upon reading my book, he has seen the greater plan that I'm revealing for the world in it, and that his next release he's working on (most likely "Lost" is at the least the name of a track he's planning to release next) is going to show a clearer extent of inspiration derived from the insights he came upon while reading my book.
Definitely really deep, but also an atypical kind of bar from him. Very interesting, especially to me who knows about him knowing about my book and very possibly having drawn inspiration from it for an upcoming track.
Open your mind up and take a look at the blueprint
In his track "Mansion", he relates his mind to being like a mansion with many rooms. Here, he once again goes back to that concept, this time referring to looking at the blueprint instead of simply going room to room, indicating once again that he's come to some sudden deeper insights that he previously didn't realize. Although depth is expected from NF, this kind of aggressively piercing and meta thought-provoked bar is another one that leads me to believe he read my book and drew inspiration from what he learned.
Debate if you gotta, but gotta hold it with both hands To pick up the bars, you gotta be smart
Here, NF expresses that he understands debate and dialogue can be necessary and is healthy to attempting to further understand one's mind. Having to use both hands is symbolism for expressing that you actually have to try hard to really understand if you're going to establish a position from which to interpret his work, showing that it's mentally heavy and requires both the logical and emotional hemispheres of the brain in a high-functioning state in order to actually be able to hold processing the weight of everything he's expressing to the fullest extent.
The second bar here is something else new from NF, expressing explicitly that it takes considerable intelligence to truly understand the full meaning of everything he says, building further upon the bar right before it with a more direct statement instead of a more symbolic approach. This bar seems to show that NF has a new confidence in the depth of his bars and isn't afraid to boldly assert that it takes real intelligence to actually understand everything. Yet another one that leads me to believe he read my book.
You really gotta dig in your heart If you wanna get to the root of an issue Pursuin' the mental can be dark and be difficult But the pay off at the end of it can help you to get through it, ayy
NF has not had any lack of expressing the darker parts of his mental state that he's had to overcome to reach his current success, which he's obviously well aware that looking back on it now he knows he's made it and he doesn't regret pursuing the path he did. Here, NF finally boldly states the position that he must've had for quite some time that empowered him to write his music, even long before he could've came across my book. It serves to further silence critics that stick to saying he's depressing and saying things like his "The Search" album "reads like a suicide note". This view is consistent with both individuals with the refined and unrefined variants of pure bidirectional apprehension as a core value, but NF also differentiates himself here as demonstrating the refined variant.
For individuals of the unrefined variant, they attempt to find the root of their issues, or at least what they think the root is, and pursue their mental state accordingly with the intent of selfish gain with no regards to the cost of such to others, as can be argued the kind of individuals writing very biased critiques of his work are demonstrating. As for NF himself, he makes his music to attempt to help people through difficult situations and allow them to have an outward expression of feelings they have inside that they aren't able to convey in such a powerful way, trying his best not to blindly hurt others; to do such to such a great extent despite intense struggles is a very strong indicator of an individual with refined pure bidirectional apprehension as a core value.
The imagery in the music video here shows him lowering onto the couch, symbolizing that he's dug through his issues and through his recent insights that inspired him to write this track, he no longer feels like he needs to pressure himself to constantly rise "above" the bullshit critics throw at him, and instead embrace the rewards of his work; the power that his success gives him to retaliate to negative articles people write about him and prove them wrong.
[Chorus] Paid my dues, made it through (Woo, woo, woo) Spread the news, I'm on the loose (Woo, woo, woo) Makin' moves, I need some room (Woo, woo, woo) Thought we's cool, well, don't assume, don't assume, ayy
NF has been rapping for many years. In some of his tracks, he's even expressed he did so from childhood. He's tried very hard and struggled a lot with harsh critiques of his albums multiple times before, and he always rose above it all, on top of all the difficulties and traumas he suffered from other sources. Here, he's challenging the media to try to make the same kind of biased and shade-throwing critique they did with his album with a track like this one. He's expressing that he's giving himself some room to fix the damage malicious actors have inflicted upon him with his next moves, demonstrating further his suddenly much bolder and empowered attitude.
The final bar further calls out the media and serves to increase the intensity that he's demonstrating he's not okay with the fuckery he's having to deal with and that he's not going to let people who simply think they're better than him and deserve to shit on him because they feel like it to do so and get away with it. NF is a very deep thinker and he doesn't like assuming things, but can clearly see that he's not getting the proper respect he deserves, and he wants to express that more clearly than ever before in this track and presumably in his next track he later alludes to as well.
[Verse 3] I'm the truth, oh, they want some proof? Here, don't be rude Somethin' new, even when I lose, I make it look cool
Here, NF demonstrates further confidence that he's speaking truth with depth in his tracks. When he talks about not being rude, he's once again calling out the media for focusing on a negative perspective when it can on his tracks and not crediting him when he releases something hype that proves to the contrary, demonstrating rudeness from them. With the second bar, he's addressing how he managed to turn even a really negative situation with the harsh and negative critiques of his last album into a new track that turned that losing situation into something that empowers him and makes him look cool.
The imagery in the music video portrays him bench pressing with the black balloons that represent his burdens, demonstrating simultaneously that they're both getting easier to deal with and also that while he doesn't typically portray himself as strong within his vulnerability, he's been working through dealing with his struggles for so long that he doesn't see them only as a crutch that cripples him. The contrast here with tracks like "WHY", "Leave Me Alone", and "The Search" where he's slowly moving with a shopping cart carrying the balloons representing his burdens further serves to demonstrate a significant shift in mindset that further makes me inclined to believe he read my book.
Do the show, then we hit the room, wife is lookin', oh
In multiple tracks NF has released in the past, he has expressed difficulty in his love life. In "Time", he even expressed difficulty in his relationship with his now wife. He's taking this opportunity with a more aggressive and hype track to casually throw in that his relationship with his wife seems to have gotten a lot better in more recent times as well. I'm happy for him. This also can be seen to tie into the bar earlier in the track where he talks about the outcome of pursuing dealing with mental issues can be worth the struggle even if it gets really dark sometimes.
This relates to my current situation because I hope that soon, I too can look at my relationship with Kimi, who I'd like to consider my future wife, and also be able to say that all my work paid off because I got to be with her in a healthy and loving relationship in the end.
What to do? I don't need the shades up to like the view (Yeah)
Multiple interpretations on this one. First, it can be seen to relate to the bar directly prior, talking about closing the blinds while being with his wife and doing what you'd imagine he's talking about with her alone with the blinds closed. Second, it can be more generally addressing his attitude and further serving to solidify the new perspective he's expressing in this track where he's expressing that he now has a better understanding of even the darker parts of his brain and that he's been able to start appreciating life more fully even when he can't see things perhaps as clearly as he'd like.
It's time to get back in the swing of things When my life crashes, I'm not the guy that'll flee the scene I'll take ownership and own it and raise my hand if it's me
NF wants to make a bold statement with this track, that even when it seems like his image is falling apart, he owns it and doesn't cower away from addressing concerning issues. This further ties into his earlier bar about speaking the truth and protecting the integrity of his "real music" slogan for his brand. He knows the depth and positive intentions that he carries with his work, so he knows that he doesn't have to run away from trouble when things get tough. Here, he's saying that he'll accept responsibility and admit considering different perspectives where it's applicable, but he's not going to blindly feed into negative narratives, even if they come from places that have significant impact on people's perspectives.
In the track "The Search", NF had a swinging bench, but he was trying to avoid sitting on it, preferring to sit on the post on top instead, and when he does get on it, he seems uncomfortable and prefers to lie down. He never swings it very hard. Here, he's sitting with his back straight on a more traditional kind of swing, and he's boldly swinging high, showing that he's picked himself back up from his mood in his last album and now feels empowered to aim higher and further than before.
Just remember though, I'm only a man, I'm a human being
This bar ties into the one near the beginning where he talks about the people criticizing him doing so from pedestals. He wants to remind listeners that he's a human being with issues and he's trying his best to express things in the best way possible, even if it can be misunderstood. Being human means you're not perfect, and NF never claimed to be perfect, so he's expressing how it's quite biased for him to be critiqued by someone who has their own issues and dark sides, showing that while those critiquing him may feel entitled to see his album from an ignorant and shallow perspective, he's not looking at those people with the same kind of ignorance and shallowness that they insult him with.
When combined with the bar right before it about taking ownership of his flaws and issues, this further serves to demonstrate that unlike many others that may use "being human" simply as an excuse to justify malicious and/or ignorant behavior, he only presents this point when it really makes sense and goes along with taking ownership of whatever he may do wrong. This is an attitude consistent with an individual with refined pure bidirectional apprehension as a core value.
This relates to my current situation because as I have a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension, my attitude towards things is the same. I'll accept I'm human for the sake of demonstrating that I don't put myself on a pedestal with subjective bias towards others, but I'll never use it as an excuse to be manipulative and justify shitty behavior. When I say I'm genuinely trying my best to make things work with Kimi and that I truly want to be with her and am pursuing a healthy and loving relationship filled with respect and no double standards, I mean it. If Kimi responds warmly to things and accepts me into her life as I'd like, I have every intention to actually follow through and be with her, flying to LA and starting to live with her and properly officially date her.
Don't they see? Shoot the breeze, I'd rather just stay discrete People claim they're in your corner, but leave you in times of need
NF already expressed that he doesn't personally know the people attacking him, so this part is more a general statement. He's demonstrating his awareness of the impact of active ego that plagues the general population, and how that active ego makes them inclined to being two-faced and saying a lot of things and acting friendly to others but throwing that all in the garbage if a time comes where those others need to rely on them for some kind of help. This can be on smaller or larger scales, but the general awareness and bringing attention to it among the more aggressive portions serves to demonstrate that the aggression is warranted and doesn't come from a place of ignorance. NF is explaining that it's this acute awareness of this phenomenon that he has which has a strong influence on him to be inclined against working with others in the industry and perhaps even in life in general and that he embraces it with all the struggles it brings, seeing it as both as both potentially empowering and weakening.
They don't listen, do they? (What?) They don't listen to anything I'll accept advice if it's not presented ignorantly
The first bar here continues to go at the ignorant media that negatively critique him and believe he doesn't deserve the success he has. He's already mentioned that they're lacking awareness and intelligence, but now he's tying it into how it takes active listening where you're really trying to hear what he's saying and why instead of simply taking the harsher portions at face value with a highly impulsive and emotionally-driven attitude. The second bar serves to demonstrate his attitude with life in general, showing that the reason why he won't quit rap isn't simply because he doesn't feel like it, but rather because those that try to give him that "advice" are doing so from a perspective obviously shallow and filled with ignorance and subjective bias. He's expressing his willingness to listen to and take advice if it actually has solid substance and can be rationally backed properly, demonstrating actual intellectual thought and emotional awareness.
As I've mentioned before, it seems NF has read at least some of my book, and as such, this bar can also be interpreted to demonstrate that he respects that my book isn't written with ignorance and that the insights into life that I provide that may be able to be interpreted as "advice" are things that he was much more open to ruminate upon because he recognized they were worth the time and effort. It could possibly also be interpreted as him wondering if I have any advice specific to him. I don't have anything to say in that regard; I'm simply a big fan and I look forward to hearing anything else he puts out.
Look, costs are high, they multiply Then cause divides, I'm forced to fight The poison I been sippin' on has quite the bite, it killed me twice
These bars are yet another area with multiple interpretations. First, another instance of an interesting new attitude that NF is conveying through this track where he's mixing intensity and aggression with an acute awareness of the significance, meaning, and impact of his work. He's acknowledging that the interpretation of his work can cause conflicting positions from people towards him, particularly if they focus on the darker interpretations of his work, and how he knows that it's hurt him in the past.
Second, if he read my book, then he knows that my relationship with Kimi is at a very critical point, and the outcome of how things go between us will be very detrimental if things don't work out, expressing his personal concern about the very real possibility that they won't, since he knows from personal experience that taking the risk of trying to go through darker parts of your issues head-on and very calculatingly can mean a lot of effort but still end up hurting you in ways you really wanted to avoid, even with the best of intentions, especially when the outcomes you're working towards relate to people and those people may be drastically misinterpreting your thoughts and intentions.
They rigged the lights so y'all can see The parts of mine that aren't so bright
Another part with multiple interpretations. First, the more obvious interpretation that the critics negatively presenting his last album have manipulated the perspective they present the album from into one where they focus on the dark and more concerning interpretation of his work instead of a more holistic view. By acknowledging that they're looking at his work in the worst possible way, he's simultaneously serving to further demonstrate that the perspective presented by those critics isn't an accurate reflection of his personality and intent in writing the kind of music that he does. Second, it can be a testament to how his life circumstances combined with his work forced him in a position where with his kind of thought process and intentions, he had to present a harder image that he knew would be received poorly by those inclined to manipulation and defamation, accepting that there was simply no avoiding such people from assuming and trying to present the worst in him if they really wanted to.
The imagery in the music video of him sitting on a light pole symbolizes him rising above the shade that critics throw at him and being able to turn even the most negative interpretation of his work into something that shows how strong his mentality really is and completely redefines the influence of the attention he's getting and the "light" being shone on the darker interpretation of his work.
See, often I apologize, then authorize the awful times To pop up (Nate!) like I'm right behind you
NF is continuing to show a new side of him that seemingly suddenly appeared. He's expressing feeling apologetic about the dark things that he portrays in his work, but embracing and accepting that he still expresses the things he does and that it makes him the kind of rapper that he is. He's showing that he understands that sometimes, these things may come seemingly out of nowhere, and it may be hard for others to understand exactly what he means or why he's so sad or angry about something. People with active ego generally don't have very good control over their emotions, especially fear-based ones, and this element of surprise with his work can make such people inclined towards feeling attacked, even if that's completely not his intent and the feelings he's expressing don't have anything to do with them. Of course, sometimes those feelings may in fact have something to do with them, in which case he's simply embracing that he knows he only can feel so apologetic when expressing emotion to people that deserve to know how he feels.
This relates to my current situation with Kimi because as a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension is extremely hard to achieve and it's quite likely Kimi doesn't have it, which of course I can't hold against her because it's indeed very difficult to reach, Kimi likely still has some extent of active ego that controls her thoughts and feelings; I'm doing my absolute best to show her that I really want to be with her and that it's how things need to be to avoid a really bad outcome, but beyond that, I can only hope that any emotions that might cloud her judgement don't ultimately take control.
Our situation is pretty complex and I can understand why she'd feel that way, in the same way that I can understand why she wouldn't yet have a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension. The result is that despite all my apologizing for scaring and hurting her in the past, I still had to put even more effort and write this whole breakdown in order to make up for surprising her like that and unintentionally suddenly causing all that fear and worry. I accept that I should've thought about it more and taken more of an effort to break the track down like this before sharing it with her, and for that I'm very sorry and I hope this breakdown makes up for it.
I'd advise you not to try to climb inside the mind like I do Keep the rhyme book, expedite it, overnight it Hold it tight and hope that time is on my side 'Cause if it's not, then I'll decide to override my own demise
Here, NF is cautioning about taking the deep and intense approach to thinking that he does. An individual with refined pure bidirectional apprehension as a core value can often be misunderstood, and attempting to replicate their thinking and behavior blindly or lacking complete insights can be very detrimental to someone without more experience dealing with living life that way. Because individuals without refined pure bidirectional apprehension as a core value are far less intellectually and emotionally equipped to deal with life, circumstances that such individuals may consider completely hopeless and irredeemable can possibly be completely turned around by someone with refined pure bidirectional apprehension as a core value. Sure, even they may worry a lot and know that success isn't certain, but they will figure out the best way to attempt to deal with a given situation to get a favorable outcome.
I tow the line too close and I could improvise I'd empathize, but recognize The fact that I could jeopardize and wreck our lives You better give me your attention, the undivided
NF finishes the track by basically saying that he knows he can destroy the critics trying to paint him in a very negative light, because as he's shown in this track, he knows very well why he makes the kind of music he does and what he stands for with it, but he's choosing to be the more mature one in the situation and continue to work towards a positive outcome instead of just trying his hardest to shit on those too shallow to fully comprehend the depth of his work. Instead, he's opting to try to convey his message and intentions in a different way that he hopes will be more effective in an attempt to enlighten those that don't understand, so that their position may hopefully change for the better. At the same time, he demands attention and respect, and boldly states that if he doesn't get treated better, he will indeed stop holding back and lash out much harder.
The last bar serves to further call out the media and show that he's embracing the attention he's gotten and that he's ready and willing to continue to prove the critics wrong about the negative image they've portrayed of him, starting with this track and continuing with the next.
This relates to my current situation because I know I could choose to go a very destructive route and crush Kimi and ruin both of our lives because she'd probably have to quit streaming or deal with a ton of shit constantly, on top of losing out on a very deep and loving relationship with me, and I'd lose out on that deep and loving relationship with her as well, and I'd end up going into isolation and destroying the world because I'd have nothing I consider of real value to hold on to. Instead of being blindly destructive and spiteful, I'm giving her the best opportunity I can for her to make things right and start being with me properly, even if she originally didn't look at me favorably, and hopefully she'll make the right decision to be with me and do her best to have a healthy and loving relationship with me.
Just like NF, I'm also boldly stating that if I'm not treated better by Kimi and finally given the kind of relationship with her that I deserve, I'll also stop holding back, and things will get much worse. I didn't put so much effort into my connection with her while aiming for a negative outcome, but if none of that matters to Kimi and she really doesn't care even with so much on the line, then I really don't care either.
THIS IS AN INTERNATIONAL ULTIMATUM BEING GIVEN BY A TIER 3 QUANTUM ENERGY ARTS USER FROM THE 5TH DIMENSION.
Kimi Park, I'm really happy that I showed you the initial versions of this message because it really allowed me to refine my approach and address this situation the way it needed to be addressed. I promised I'd do this, but I'm not doing it just because I promised, I'm doing it because it feels so right in every way.
Here's the TL;DR: I truly love you with all of my heart and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I'm already completely ready and willing to enter into a serious (and I'm not accepting long-distance) relationship with you, but I know this situation is complicated and you'd possibly feel the need to test me before you feel confident in our foundation. If you want to test me now, go ahead; I'll pass with flying colors. After you're satisfied, you need to contact me directly and start seriously pursuing a relationship with me. The time for games and hesitation will be over. If you don't do so appropriately, I'm going to start intense meditation in isolation, and if you leave me alone that way, when I come back to society in a few years, I'm going to rip this entire world apart and anyone that opposed our marriage is going to seriously regret it, including you. I don't want to be with anyone else and I never will. I won't change my mind on this position no matter what anyone says or does and this isn't even slightly up for debate or negotiation. Nobody should be laughing because I already know I have every intention and desire of being extremely destructive without you in my life and I have such great capacity to be destructive if I want to be that I have no issue globally being considered a tyrant if that's what it takes to get the one thing I've only ever really wanted out of life. We've been through so much that you've thoroughly convinced me that you want me really badly too and we've both worked so hard towards being with each other in the end that we definitely deserve it. Everyone at all involved in your life should choose their position very carefully and think twice about what they're really fighting against before opposing what we both really want. If you've actually just been playing with me this whole time, you've doomed yourself, any partners you might ever take seriously in the future, and the entire world as a whole, to a terrible fate, and there's nothing anyone can do about it.
1. RECENTLY.
Near the end of last year, I went on Ice's stream and pretended to hate you. Afterwards, I tried my best to communicate to you in detail that I actually have a lot of warm feelings towards you, that I was just pretending to hate you, and that I really just wanted you to take this more seriously, just as I'd told you was my intent before I did it. Not too long ago, you said you like people who are real, and you like to talk out issues and misunderstandings that you have with people. I'm being completely real here, and I like to talk out issues and misunderstandings as well. Originally, I thought there were only 2 real options for you to pick from moving forward: Call me and tell me you love me, or call me and tell me to kill myself. I realize that's not really the case. You might feel like you have a 3rd option of trying to ignore me and this situation or maybe trying to dismiss it like it's a joke or something. Maybe you even think I want that. I really don't. I suppose that would seem like it's working short-term, but long-term you'd realize it's not bringing a resolution. You might also feel like you have a 4th option of dating someone else and thinking that will resolve this situation and I'll just decide that's when to give up. You might even be misunderstanding the situation so hard that you think I'm doing this to try to force or encourage you to date someone else; that's not the case at all. I'm not exactly sure what rationale you're trying to use to justify that belief, maybe you think I secretly believe we're better off without each other. I don't. I want you to talk to me and tell me you miss me and love me and want to marry me so we can start pursuing a serious relationship. Even if you decide to push me away long-term, driving me into deep isolation, and enter into a relationship with someone else now or enter any number of relationships while I'm in isolation, it won't change how I feel.
2. MEMORIES.
From the first day I started talking to you, you shook my world. So sweet and seemingly very lighthearted, but also sharp and lowkey very serious and contemplative. When I met you in person, shortly after I joined your community, it was the first time I ever felt genuinely happy in my entire life. It became the best memory of my life instantly and remains so to this day. I already knew I liked you and could see real potential in wanting to spend the rest of my life with you even before, but you touched my heart when I met you and I left that meetup in love and truly feeling that you're my dream girl. You're so perfectly beautiful on the inside and everything I ever wanted on the outside too. You always make me feel warm and happy. I'm so sorry for all the times I've hurt you. I'm so sorry for all the times I was so harsh. I'm so sorry for all the mean things I've said to you. I really did mean it every time I was warm to you. When I was mean, I wasn't genuinely hating on you; I really did want your attention and affection so badly this whole time. But it's not just that... I wanted to see how loving you really could be. How compatible we really could be. Your patience and resilience always filled me with warmth and hope and made me need more. When I think of you, I only see warm and happy memories. I only feel love and trust. Early on, I told you that I hoped one day, you could remember me for warm and happy things... I still feel that way. I feel like I would do anything for you, anything that makes sense. I'm not sure what else I can do right now, but I know that pouring my heart out to you in public like this makes sense. I've done it privately so many times now, and even if you really never want to talk to me again, I want you to at least know I was being real.
3. PRECIOUS.
I also want you to know I'm not ashamed of how I feel. I would proudly tell anyone that you're the love of my life, the person I consider my soulmate, and I couldn't have asked for anyone more perfect for me and I will forever feel that way. You deserve it. You're the most precious person in the world to me and you deserve to know that. When I say I love you, it's so much more than just 3 words to me. You have my heart. I put you above everyone else. I trust you like I've never trusted anyone ever before, like I'll never be able to trust anyone else, to the point that I trust you with my life. I feel a connection with you that I've never felt with anyone else before, one that I know I could never feel with anyone else. You're so extremely unique that I feel absolutely certain I could never find someone I adore so much ever again in my life. I'm so happy you exist. You make me always want to be the best version of myself I can be. So many things happened so perfectly, at the right time, the right place, and it came together to be something I find so amazing, and I thought I'd never be able to have it... Before I found you. You're a piece of me that I never wish I didn't need. You complete me. You're my everything. I don't want to live without you. I never thought I'd understand these kinds of things when I heard them said by others, but you made me understand. And I have no regrets. I love you. I'll always love you. Always.
4. DATING.
Despite all of these feelings and how deep and real they are to me and that I know they'll never change, I fully acknowledge that we aren't dating and never have. I've never been dishonest with myself to think that, it was never my intent to present it that way and be dishonest with others, and I'm not trying to be dishonest with this message either. That being said, I don't just want to date you anyways; I want to marry you. Your lack of direct contact with me right now shows me that you need some space for at least a little while, which I can understand. If a longer time passes and you don't directly contact me to pursue a serious relationship, I'll go into deeper isolation and I'll start to train my abilities even more intensely. Whether they'll end up being used for constructive or destructive reasons, which would depend on your future actions, I don't know. If you love me, you'll start missing me a lot eventually (hopefully pretty quickly, but it might take some time) and contact me. I'll always be here for you until the day I die. If you ever decide to talk to me and tell me you love me and want to be with me, I'll warmly accept and come to you without any fighting or playing games. That's a promise. Without you, I actually feel a very deep-rooted and intense need to meditate as much as possible while awake, or I'll very quickly start to feel intense existential dissonance and start to seek death actively. I've already told you that it's reached a point where I've ended up doing research on the most painless way for someone to kill themselves and found out it's through suffocating with helium. That headspace is a place I'd rather not return to; it's a terrible feeling. I want it to be clear that trying not to deal with this properly (meaning anything other than directly contacting me and telling me you love me and want to be with me, with the serious intention to pursue it) is no better than directly and honestly telling me to kill myself, so if that's going to be the approach you're taking, you should just tell me that and not hold back. The fact that you haven't already is actually something that gives me a lot of hope in itself... But even if you did, it wouldn't change how much I love you and want to be with you. I've told you in the past that I consider you my future wife and it should be getting more and more clear how serious I was when I said that and that I still see you that way.
5. ENERGY.
I'd train my energy regardless, but in isolation and spending all day on it, things go much faster. In that sense, even if I'm meant to destroy the world, you're still pushing me to be the best version of myself. If you're wondering how I'd afford it, I'm far from rich, but I have plenty enough money if I'm being reasonably efficient; I've already prepared and thought this all through well. I know that if I end up having to meditate in isolation for years, it'd probably take me anywhere from about 2-5 years to reach the kind of strength I need for my goals, which would be when I'm basically invincible and insanely powerful. After 1 year, I'll most likely already be quite dangerous. After 2 years, flawless and far-reaching mobility and defenses is most likely all I'd lack, if that. By 3 years, it's quite likely I'd already be at a point I consider suitable. I'd reemerge with a bang. One of the first things I'd definitely do, regardless of your relationship status at that time (even if you're married with children somehow), is I'd use my abilities to break into TV stations to interrupt live broadcasting to express my love for you and how if I can't be with you then that'd be the reason I'm going to start destroying the world. None of the pretending to hate you stuff that I did on Ice's stream. I'd completely refuse to be with any other person because I already know you're the only person I could ever feel a deep, meaningful emotional connection with, and I'd have no desire nor interest to even play games with other people to any extent. No excuse nor rationale would change my mind on wanting to be with you and only you or I'll destroy everything at that point. I wouldn't hesitate to demonstrate how serious I am if seriously doubted to any extent. I want you to know and understand clearly that this would happen and I hope you're taking it into consideration very seriously moving forward because I definitely am and you definitely should.
6. IDENTITY.
Most people wouldn't even imagine making it out of what I've been through. When I tell my life story to people who've seen a lot, all of them end up shocked that I'm still alive and functioning at the extremely high level that I am today. Daily abuse from both parents from an early age, divorced when I was young, individually even more abusive. Never once feeling actually loved by either of them at any point in my life. Not having a single happy memory from my entire childhood. Being kicked to the streets to be homeless after both of my parents finished using me for their own goals. Having to deal with many bad and dangerous people. Encountering Shadow Confederation members, both online and in person, many of which literally told me I'm not human. Having seen people killed before my eyes. Never really opening up to anyone out of fears of being laughed at, taken advantage of, and pushed away. Dealing with anxiety, depression, body image issues, gender dysphoria (along with being misunderstood because I'm still only into women despite that), and a lot of anger the whole time. Feeling so alone and cold towards everyone that I didn't even know what feeling lonely was until I met you because I assumed things could never change. And now, having to desperately hold on to hope that the girl of my dreams, the person who I consider my soulmate, might not actually just hate me and prefer to die rather than being with me. Most people would've broke badly, probably quite some time ago. Ended up a homeless mentally ill drug addict criminal that died on the street of an overdose or in jail for life. I've kept a roof over my head, I'm not reliant on any substances and don't even like drinking alcohol, I'm not a criminal and have never been locked up, and I've managed to work through mental struggles so extensively to the point that I can objectively quantify the strength and capabilities of my mentality relative to others, with only more power and potential in the future to show for my struggle. Now, I know things that seem so unreal that many people call me delusional because they can't even fathom being at the level that I'm at themselves. Even overcoming so many struggles leaves me considerably feared if not also misunderstood by most, isolated from the world already by nature, and yet I refuse to simply surrender to the darkness. It's very easy to read these words, but much harder to really understand them.
7. SUICIDE.
Originally, I thought I might actually end up killing myself in the near future over this. I've thought very deeply about that as well and I've realized that there's absolutely no way that's happening. I don't blame you for acting the way you are, I blame society as a whole for being so ignorant, arrogant, and terrified of change and the unknown. Every step of the way in my life, I tried to be the best most loving person I could be, and I know that deep in my heart. Always trying so hard to avoid becoming the monster that I was so afraid I'd be driven to become, and yet society tells me I'm delusional and scary for trying my best to be a good person and instead I should give up and be the worst I can be. When I think about what kind of headspace it would really take for someone to kill themselves, I see it being one where they victimize themselves for having their life circumstances and have such a lack of love for themselves that they would rather stop living than do something to at least try to change their life. I know, in my head and in my heart, that I'm not a bad person at the core. I really can see so clearly that I have absolutely no reason to hate myself. When I've done everything I could to really love others, but all I see is hate I don't deserve in return, the only thing that feels right is to finally give society what it wants and return all that hate. But my hate is so much more powerful, even by myself, because in society's case, it deserves it. What happens when society wants to tell me I'm selfish and crazy for trying to truly fully embrace reality in the most healthy way possible and just wanting to really feel loved when I've never had it in my life despite trying so hard and deserving to have it so much? I wonder if they're really human. That gives me plenty of reason not to want to kill myself, at least not until I kill every single one of them first. If it came to that, you? You'd be the last person I'd want to do that to. Literally.
8. PRISON.
It's reached a point where I've considered walking into a police station and demanding that I be put into an isolation cell for a year. I'd send you a message after I got out, and if you didn't contact me shortly after, I'd go back and repeat it for another year. I'm sure they'd ask me if I have mental illness, am under influence of any substances, and why I want to be in isolation or what crime I'm turning myself in for. I'd say that I'm completely mentally stable and can objectively quantify it, prove it if they even try to question it, tell them I'm not under the influence of any substances because I wouldn't be, and tell them that the girl of my dreams, the person I consider the love of my life and my soulmate, won't talk to me and I find no positive purpose in existing without her in my life. Explain that I blame this on society and hate it, so I think it's only fair that I get punished ahead of time for my crime of destroying the world a few years down the line if it won't let me be loved by the only person who's love I really want. If they refuse, regardless of whatever reasoning they give, I would ask them what crime I can commit to get what I want and if they would rather I go commit it, or if they will just give me what I want peacefully. It would really hurt a lot, not being able to even see your face, hear your voice, or follow what's going on in your life... But I suppose the distraction-free environment is most conductive to rapid development of my abilities and that approach does also feel like the most appropriate approach to what I'm doing in a very real way.
9. LOVE.
I remember that early on when I was talking to you about loving you, you told me you researched about love a fair amount. I hadn't researched about it at all until more recently, but when I did, I quickly learned something that really stood out to me. They say that after initially finding someone attractive, the next phase typically is infatuation, which is said to last 3 years at most, after which the "rush" or whatever fades and you're left evaluating how valuable a relationship is to you a lot more and in a typically much more levelheaded way, which is often when relationships fall apart. I'm certain that you came across this information as well, and this time period is something you weigh heavily in evaluating the viability of a serious long-term relationship. We may never have dated, but we've certainly been quite passionate to each other for the last 2 years. That only leaves one more year until we pass a point where it's generally considered that there's serious long-term potential in this. I feel very confident that my feelings won't ever go away, so one more year is nothing; I'm certain they'll only get stronger. It should be very clear at this point that I've already put an extremely high amount of very deep thought into this and that it really makes a lot of sense that these feelings and this position I have won't ever change. As far as I'm concerned, I've already waited long enough to know the truth; if you don't already, you should share that position pretty soon. If you decide not to directly contact me for a longer period of time and keep pushing me away in one form or another, I think the most appropriate thing I can do would be to give you space for the remainder of this entire year, showing you I have no intention to be hateful or change my mind about my position at all, and then after the year's passed, drop you a little message telling you that my feelings and position haven't changed. From that point on, every year until I either get to be with you or end up destroying the world, I'll keep dropping a message to let you know my feelings and position haven't changed. I'm already absolutely certain I'd feel compelled to do that to show you how much I love you and how badly I want you to be with me forever. I really hope it doesn't come to that, but if it does, that's what I'm going to do. That's a promise.
10. ALONE.
I really want you to understand that leaving you alone isn't something I'm at all eager to do. It never was and never will be. It should be especially clear now that it's not good for either of us long-term either. Assuming I don't go for the prison isolation room approach, I don't plan to cut my phone number off during my time in isolation, so you can call me at any point and I'd love to talk. I really dislike how that position comes off like I'm not as passionate about this as I really am, but I love you so much and that seems like the most loving way to go about this situation, so there's nothing I can really do about that. I'm not doing this to make you feel bad and certainly not to make you suicidal, which I really don't think would be the case at all, but I feel the need to mention in order to make my intent very clear seeing as I can see it being misunderstood that way. In the interest of honesty, I have to mention that my position wouldn't change even if it did make you suicidal; I would just feel very sad and hope you stop feeling that way eventually or have to mourn your loss as I go around destroying everything. I really want it to be clear that I'm not writing this with the intent to be hurtful, I'm just being honest and passionately chasing what gives me meaning in life. I've spent the last 2 years putting everything else aside and throwing many other things away, to love you the best I could. This whole time, I've been waking up every single day and thinking about how I can inspire you to grow and improve and shine as brightly as you can. I've went as far as to explain both variants of pure bidirectional apprehension in detail to you. I've shared with you some information about quantum energy harvesting meditation, without sharing too much so you know I'm not trying to make this a competition, and told you I'm willing to tell you a lot more if we end up together. I've given you all that I can right now and I have nothing left without you... And I have no regrets about that either. If you don't talk to me any time soon, isolation and meditation isn't an action taken out of some kind of childish resent, it's simply the only option I have that makes sense and feels right, given all my knowledge, desires, goals, and life experiences.
11. LEADING.
I think there's something extremely important that you should understand which I've never mentioned before... Even if you actually were playing with me this whole time, it still doesn't change how I feel and my position. I believe that even in that case, there's definitely a very real possibility that you can still realize after some time that there are feelings there after all, and I'm not bothered if they weren't there in the beginning because there are plenty of understandable reasons why they wouldn't have been. That being said, I'm well aware that from your perspective, you risked your life just to meet me when you met me. You also decided you were comfortable with meeting me early on. I didn't ask you to do it, not even so much as hinted at wanting it, I made you no promises about anything, and I made it very clear to you right from the very beginning that I'm far from normal and that I don't hesitate to be open and honest about it. I could've been a very different person and that course of action could've ended very differently for you, but you trusted me. There was no reason you had to do that and very few people would have. What you did will always mean a lot to me, and I'm sure you knew long ago that it would. I suppose everyone thinks that it's fine if they don't like me because someone else will; what they comfortably ignore is that everyone thinks that way and I'm left not only able and willing but also wanting to destroy everything, and people just laugh and wonder why. You're the first person to really make me feel loved, and regardless of whether that was your intent or not, that's always how I'll remember you and treat you. I really want you to remember that.
12. LUST.
I'm far from a player, always been that way, and I'm happy to stay that way, but I've had my fair share of experiences with women nonetheless. Even well before I met you, several women have shown considerable interest in me. In high school, I was literally the most popular person in the entire school by far. Most of the people in the entire school, from every grade, knew who I was. I was renowned as "the hacker" for hacking the WiFi and computer passwords every single year I was there and sharing them with anyone who wanted them, including teachers. It was to the point that people I'd never seen before would randomly approach me in the halls and ask me if it's really me, then tell me they think I'm cool; sometimes they'd ask me for a password or if I wanted to be friends. I had multiple friend groups and got to know several girls. Even when I was homeless, I've had women randomly approach me and stand right in front of me and check me out, eyeing me up and down, or come up to me and sit right beside me on the bus, trying to start up a conversation. I have a bunch of different kinds of experiences with many different women, without even trying to seek them out or putting any real effort into them. Some, I was friends with for years, and others I had never seen before in my life. Most of them I even found pretty physically attractive. I've been friends with women that I never dated and never ended up dating, but they freely invited me to feel up their breasts and butt, some told me they'd be willing to go somewhere private and make out or even have sex... Things I never expected to happen to me, especially since I never tried to make it happen; I found it pretty wild, and I did take these girls up on some of these offers and have some experiences with that stuff as a result... But until I met you, not once in my life had I ever even felt infatuated before. Not once had I seriously pursued a romantic relationship with someone. I'm not typically the type to play any kind of games at all. I'd experienced lust for some women, in some cases it would last for years, but never had I thought about someone everyday. Never had I wondered what they were thinking, what they were doing, if they were okay... I always knew it would take someone really special to ever make me care at all. That's why I've never been in a relationship. I've never had any real desire nor passion to even try chasing a woman unless I see such serious potential in her, before either of us even fall in love, that I feel like it would make sense to want to marry her and spend the rest of my life with her. Most people are not like this at all, which really explains why a lot of relationships fall apart within 3 years. Needless to say, whatever you'd call what we have going on is definitely drastically unlike most relationships; I'd say that's looking like a pretty good thing, statistically speaking at the least.
13. SUCCESS.
Fame, money, professional success, anything else people usually define as success, to any degree... It's all empty and worthless to me without you. I can only give someone everything like this once. It's not that I think nobody else could ever love me, it's that I know I could never love anybody like I love you and nobody could ever love me like you can. I miss you so much. It hurts me so much that you might seriously think I'd ever want to hurt you. I want you to really understand that all these essays I've written to you haven't come from a place in my heart with hatred. They all came from a place of love. I know it's hard for you to believe, with the extent that they are tender, and even sometimes sexual when it felt really appropriate, despite us having had very few tender moments in person and no sexual ones. It's true, despite how bad the meaner messages may look. It'd understandably be hard for almost anyone to believe I suppose... But it's the complete and absolute truth. You know this isn't about money, I never thought I could win anyone's heart that way. I haven't even donated $100 to you in total in the whole time I've known you... I know there are people who've given you thousands. You know this isn't about fame, I very clearly threw away a position on the Cx Network without hesitation to try to prove my love for you; I could've approached that encounter so differently and it easily would've drastically improved my professional life and career prospects without any help from you. I was even contacted recently and offered a position in it if I was willing to forget about trying to be with you, and I instantly turned it down. You know this isn't about professional progress, you're well aware I'm proficient at programming and have at least 2 projects with real potential I could work on and take to much higher levels of success all by myself if I wanted, which I casually dismiss as not worth my effort anymore without you in my life. You know I'm not trying to play you, I know you've seen other women in your own Discord show interest in me and try to get my attention, yet I didn't even say so much as a single word to any of them because I was so invested in you from the start; I've also not even once tried to make you jealous by claiming there are any other women that I'd chase if you don't show me more interest... That kind of dishonesty doesn't feel right to me. I knew long ago how valuable and irreplaceable you are to me.
14. GODDESS.
As of the last time I ever had a direct private conversation with you, which was more than a year ago, you told me that we were only friends and that you wanted our friendship to remain shallow. That was the first time that I decided to try leaving you alone, and I told you very clearly that it was because I had very strong romantic feelings for you and couldn't handle just being friends. I also told you clearly that I didn't want to leave, but I didn't want to impose my presence, I didn't want to encourage you to send me mixed messages, and I wanted you to at least know I was serious about all the times I told you my feelings up to that point already. We've been through so much these past 2 years and you've given me a lot of reason to believe you do truly have feelings for me. The first time I said I'd leave you alone, within less than 2 months you were saying you felt like you pushed away people you like and you needed to watch motivational videos to get out of bed in the morning. When I came back very shortly after, your mood drastically improved suddenly. More than once past that point, you've called me the love of your life in response to our arguments and me feeling like I should leave because of the extent of mixed messages you were giving me. In response to one of our arguments, you said you felt like you should give up on a serious relationship for the rest of your life. At one point, you said you peed in your panties a little in excitement, on a stream right after one of the messages I sent you where I told you that I still think you're extremely attractive, still really want to be with you, and that I see you as the perfect woman of my dreams, a real goddess. I've told you before that I truly think you're the most attractive person in the world, and I still think so now. I've told you before that I don't call any other women goddesses and that was, is, and forever will be the truth; nobody else deserves such a compliment from me. Right after one of my messages which I sent not very long before I went on Ice's stream, you started a stream off playing music about being with me being like a dream to you and how you would literally kill, especially anyone else I might try to be with, in order to be with me.
15. EVIDENCE.
You've expressed attention and affection towards me many times in public on stream at this point and you know it. I've downloaded multiple VODs of you which I don't share publicly because I want it to be clear I'm not trying to be malicious... But I know you know I have them because I've even shown a couple to one of your moderators who I still communicate with and now consider one of my best friends. They were also all well after the point that I had already poured my heart out to you personally in Discord DMs multiple times, which was very early on back when you had them open; you had directly responded every single time except at the very end, with genuine interest and attention. I saved screenshots of all of it, long ago. I still remember so clearly how after the first essay I ever sent you, where I talked about the first time we met and my true feelings and intentions, your next stream, you spent an entire 4 hours talking about your feelings. After I came back, I spent the past year sending countless messages and essays to you to constantly try to show you how serious I am despite all the mixed messages you've been giving, and I know you've read every single one... You always give me attention and respond on stream somehow. I made it clear to you every step of the way that continuing the way you were meant you'd have to be with me sooner or later or the world will literally end; this never stopped you from continuing to be passionate towards me and showing serious affection and interest. I know that you know what you were doing this whole time. I have no trouble believing that you were really hoping for this outcome the whole time; in fact, I'll never believe otherwise no matter what you do anymore, and I'm sure you can easily understand why.
16. SHELL.
We've both been kind and cruel to each other at times, but these kinds of games aren't the way I envision our relationship to be in the future if we end up together. I only want us to be kind, considerate, and warm to each other. With how patient and understanding I continue to be even now, I'm confident you'll eventually realize that you shouldn't be afraid that I won't try my absolute best to completely understand where you're coming from all the time. I've already told you many times that I've been dealing with this situation and the hardships of it not because I enjoy being hurt (because I don't) nor for any kind of thrill, but because I want you to know how much you really mean to me and I can see massive potential in a very positive and loving relationship coming out of it all. I've believed for a long time, and for what I consider very good reason, that you share this position. I know I've inspired you a lot this whole time and helped you break out of your shell. You've done the same for me and I have no hesitation to admit it feels really good. You may say you're crazy now, but I'm pretty sure most people would say I'm even more crazy, so that doesn't bother me at all. I'm not afraid of you genuinely wanting to hurt me at all and I don't think I'd ever have any good reason to be. I believe you feel this way as well. I'm well aware this situation would seem very scary to a lot of people and they'd think there actually is no good outcome that could come from it; I want it to be very clear that I'm not putting so much effort into this just to be destructive regardless.
17. SEXUALITY.
You've said before that your first boyfriend turned out gay, and I've mentioned to you before already that I'm sure that affected your view on relationships in some way. I told you very early on, long before you'd ever mentioned him, that I'd rather die alone than ever start finding men attractive; after I'd heard about your first boyfriend and mentioned it to you, I once again told you I very definitively know that how I feel about that will never change. I've told you before that no matter what happens between us, I won't change my position on that. I still very definitively maintain that even now my position has not changed on that. I've already described to you in the past in detail why you're my ideal partner and I want you to know very clearly that I completely meant it and it'll never change. I also want you to know that I'm really never giving up on you and moving on and I meant it every time I said that too. Early on, you mentioned to me that you've never taken back any of your exes. After I caused drama on Ice's stream, suddenly you started calling me your ex. Seeing as we've never done anything sexual, the last time we even talked directly was more than a year ago, and back then you told me we were only ever friends and I accepted that was the case, I have no clue at what point you consider that we were ever dating. Still, I can understand why you'd act this way. Since you've never taken an ex back, if you consider me an ex and still end up dating me later, that's something that even by itself is very meaningful and significant to you. I know you want me to know that and I want you to know very clearly that I do.
18. DECEPTION.
Recently, you've also mentioned another experience that affected you from the past: when you got catfished by someone online for a year. I remember you mentioning it briefly before, but this time you explained it in more detail and even made a YouTube video about it. You talked about how you really liked the person and how you'd talk to them pretty much everyday for quite some time, reaching the point you wanted to study abroad to meet them and even managed to convince your parents to go for it. You talked about how you kept delaying it because of that person's hesitation and you came to learn from someone else that they had been telling you elaborate lies and impersonating someone else, even going to the extent of sending you pictures to attempt to validate their claimed identity. You talked about how it ended and you expressed your frustration that you still haven't gotten closure to this day. While I can't know that person's reason for what they did, I know that I've never done and would never do something like what they did. I've told you long ago about my inclination towards femininity in many ways. I can understand that having an experience like the one you did with that person you're probably left assuming has feelings similar to mine would make you feel quite hesitant to get closer to me, worried that I might somehow end up hurting you in an even worse way. One of the reasons I knew I had to take the opportunity you were giving me to meet you early on was that I wanted you to clearly know I had no intention of ever trying to deceive you of my identity to attempt to gain trust that I wouldn't deserve; I knew I wanted to be honest with you that I could've done that if I wanted to and that was the only way to do it without it coming off the wrong way. Even before I met you, I was very capable of naturally sounding completely female, and I know that because in many cases when I would talk to random people online with that voice, they would instantly believe I'm female without questioning it. I typically don't just randomly blurt out that I was born a man in those cases, but these were conversations with people I only ever talked to once or twice and then never again, for the most part. To any of the people that I actually formed friendships with that lasted any significant period, within a couple months I would find some appropriate time to tell them the truth. Even being able to sound like a woman, when I went on Ice's Discord for example, even to people I'd only talked to once or twice, I would openly admit that I was born a man; some people literally couldn't believe it. Additionally, I've never impersonated anyone, in any way, for any reason. I want you to clearly understand that whatever that person did to you in the past, I'm a very different kind of person from them, and you shouldn't have any fear towards me as a result of your experience with them.
19. CONFIDENCE.
When I say I love myself, people may look at some of these things I've said and think that I'm trying to say I love myself too much to really be with you. The reality is that I love myself too much not to be with you. I want it to be very clear that I'm not doing this just to try to save any reputation or image I have, to myself, to other people, or even to you; that all means absolutely nothing to me without you in my life. I'm doing this because I'm absolutely certain that without each other, we're going to end up destroying ourselves and society as a whole as well, and I'm trying to do everything in my power to avoid that stuff from happening. Many people might look at this situation and think that I'm being self-destructive by pursuing this course of action, but that couldn't be further from the truth. I know very definitively that I'd actually be self-destructive not to pursue you. I don't care in the slightest if this whole thing makes me seem like a big bully or some kind of tyrant; if that's how people see me, it is what it is. I've already told you before that I'm not the type to ever settle for mediocrity, and for very good reason. Being me, a situation like this would be inevitable with anyone I'd ever pursue where we have amazing chemistry, and I came to terms with that long ago. I could give an ultimatum regarding being with any person, but 2 years ago I made a decision... The decision that I found the only person that really gave me a reason to live. The more I've gotten to know you and grow closer to you, the more certain and confident I've become that I made the best decision I ever could've made. With you, at least my life will feel truly worth living, a feeling I've still yet to experience. I can easily deal with any number of other people seeing me however they feel like it; at least I'll finally have what I've wanted and worked towards ultimately my entire life. If we end up together, I'll treat you so well all the time that all those people who want to think badly of me now will be absolutely shocked, and it'll come naturally to me. I'm absolutely certain of this. I see a high probability that they might even treat me quite coldly in more direct ways, and they'll once again be shocked to see the amount of warmth that I continue to radiate constantly to you and even them, despite their hard feelings; this is yet another thing I'm already used to from many things I've had to deal with in the past. You shouldn't worry about what other people will think about you either; I'll fight them all for you as much as I need to and you should too if you need to. My whole life, I've been denied of a lot of things, and quite frankly I didn't really care about getting them enough to even really want to try to get them; being with you isn't something I'm ever going to be willing to accept being denied of. Any possible issues holding you back, I can and will work through them and they'd never deter me from maintaining this position, and that's how you should feel about it too. You must've known right from the beginning that if this was ever going to go anywhere, you'd have to fight and it wouldn't be easy; I won't accept you giving up, especially now that we've gotten so far. I need you and everyone around you to understand very clearly that if we don't end up together, I'm going to hold you just as responsible for that as I hold the rest of society. Anyone that seriously cares about you, themselves, and especially if they care about both, shouldn't ultimately be very resistant to this happening. When I tell you I'm never moving on, I'm not saying it to encourage you to try to find reasons to tell me to do it or try to help me do it in any way; I'm telling you so you understand to stop trying to find excuses to push me away. I'm never really going away. Never. Understand that clearly. Please. I'm not even going to pretend to any extent anymore, this is just a fact that you and everyone around you needs to deal with.
20. MOVING ON.
If I can never be with you and I meditate in isolation for a year and start really having something to show for it, as I know I would, do you really think I'm gonna stop? Of course not! If you're trying to get me to move on, what do you think that looks like? Do you really think with how much I care about you that it'd happen quickly? No way! It'd take years to try to deal with the shock and devastation, having to numb myself to the eternal suffering and pain that came from trying to be the most loving person I could be but getting slapped in the face and kicked when I'm already down by life for it in the most brutal way possible, and what do you think the amount of pain I'd feel would drive me to do during that time? Meditate in isolation! People say I'm the crazy one, but what's really crazy is that people can read all of this, acknowledge that I'm literally out of this world level crazy and on another level of perception that they can't fully understand, and yet still somehow don't believe and properly want to act upon the implications that I'm suffering so much without being with you that I'd actually do what I'm saying here, things would happen exactly as I'm saying they would without a serious relationship with you for the rest of my life, and that us being together forever would be so good for both of us that there's absolutely no good reason whatsoever for it not to happen. Even if I did manage to numb myself to the suffering of never having the one thing I've only ever really wanted and endured such a treacherous life hoping to get, which would have to happen after years of meditating in isolation, that shouldn't be something you or anyone else wants! I'd turn all the energy I have now to try to make something positive out of all my suffering and trying to constantly see the best in people and be as loving as possible into sheer hatred for humanity as a whole and desire to only be destructive. At that point, I'd be so sad and angry on an existential level, so numb to trying to do anything positive about it, and able to do something about all that negative emotion, that at the very least, I'd make you suffer greatly for the rest of your life and make an example out of you to the rest of the world. I'd end up making your life miserable, slowly stripping you of anything and everything that you hold valuable while watching you suffer and laughing at you to your face, and eventually wiping you, any potential partners, your friends, and your family, all from this earth, without mercy or remorse; I'm telling you this now so if that ends up having to happen, you know that even if you all literally get on your knees and beg for mercy, it won't stop me, I'd laugh even harder. If I actually did move on, in the only way that'd be possible, do you really think I'd be scared to do this? No way, it'd clearly be my best and only real option, and nobody could ever hope to stop me! If I wanted to flaunt my powers once they're ready, do you really think I'd ever want to do it in just a nice, casual way? No way! That'd just make everyone think I'm a pushover, an idiot, and way too nice, and I'd end up having a bunch of manipulative assholes trying to take advantage of me. That's already what's happening on a much smaller scale with multiple people who I push away even now, and it'd only be much worse later if I was demonstrating my powers much more clearly. If I just went around flinging bank safe doors open with my mind and stealing stuff, people still wouldn't be that scared and respectful of me because they'd figure I still have things I value and don't want to lose; it also wouldn't bring me any real satisfaction in the deeply troubled state that I'd end up in without ending up in a serious relationship with you and spending the rest of my life with you. But if I made an example out of you and told the world that I'm as powerful as I am and have absolutely nothing to lose and nothing I really care about, that'd really terrify everyone and then I'd really get some serious respect and be able to comfortably carry out the constant destruction I'd find as the only remotely satisfying thing to pass time doing under those circumstances. Even if you somehow had the whole world begging me to forgive you for what you did, that'd actually further encourage me to do it to really prove a point, and even if they all were in favor of you being punished the way I saw fit, that wouldn't take away from my desire to do it at all because of how hurt and troubled I'd end up as a result of the situation. If you were doing all this intending to hurt me, you must've known that you'd end up hurt very badly in the end, and I have every intention of giving you what you asked for; even if you didn't know or want to try to present it that way, that's really not my problem in the slightest, because you really should've known, and it still wouldn't ever change the reality of how I'd feel and what I'm capable of doing about your decisions as a result. I'd never even slightly consider giving any mercy to anyone or anything, especially you and anything you value. What would it get me? Pats on the back from people for being kind? My whole life, I never really cared in the slightest about getting patted on the back for my good deeds or achievements; do you really think I'll ever make it my life's purpose? No way! Me moving on from you equates to me moving on from ever having any desire or drive to ever see humanity as a whole and even life in general in a positive light, moving on from ever having any desire or drive to act in a constructive way and pursue real happiness. If I was in a weaker position and had to move on with you meaning as much to me as you do now, I can guarantee you I definitely would've killed myself already by now; since I'm in a stronger position, I'll end up destroying the world in the future if I have to move on. My heart wouldn't soften over time; my feelings that are so soft now would actually become very hard, and things would escalate from me contemplating on the possibility of this to envisioning the details of the execution and working towards it with extreme perseverance every single day as my life's mission and purpose. This has nothing to do with self-esteem, and I can objectively quantify that because an individual with refined pure bidirectional apprehension as a core value can validate that they entirely lack any active ego, and as a result, wouldn't ever suffer from self-esteem issues to nearly such an extent; this is me objectively seeing reality clearly and facing the facts of which possibilities result in which outcome in the future, with a very high capacity of critical thinking and forethought deeply being involved in the process. When someone has had to remain so grounded throughout their whole life, regularly being abused and called delusional despite being very finely in tune with reality in a way that they constantly validate objectively but don't get proper approval from others for despite the results speaking for themselves, that they literally wrote out an entire paper detailing the 5 steps to clearly identify objective reality from the context of a living entity born with emotion which makes them predisposed to subjective bias otherwise, and have insanely powerful and enlightened people asking them how they know the things they do and telling them that they're not human, you're the delusional one if you don't accept the facts. You need to understand and accept completely clearly that when someone of my caliber tells you that I'll never move on, it's absolutely nothing like an average person saying that to you; it's extremely dangerous for you to fight it past a certain point. I never want to move on, and if you're trying to be in any kind of healthy headspace, you shouldn't ever want me to move on either! I'm happy to give up deeply terrorizing the world, getting far more respect than I really need but would feel like having otherwise, and being extremely destructive, in return for a deep and loving relationship with you forever, which was what I've really wanted all along anyways. You should want the same thing that I want here, at the very least for your own sake, if not also for the sake of all your friends, family, and literally the rest of the world. You wanting me to move on from you equates to you being extremely suicidal in the most destructive way possible. If you decide to be with me and in the future you want to make your own international ultimatum that states that you love me and only me, you want to be with me forever, you're always going to be loyal to me and would never leave me, I'd better always love you back and never leave you either, and you're going to destroy the world with what I would've taught you at that point if I do leave you, I completely approve already; I'd even encourage it. Instead of playing games and wasting time trying to tell me to move on, you should be carefully thinking, planning, and preparing on how you're going to approach starting a serious relationship with me that you intend to last a lifetime. You don't have time to waste.
21. FORCING.
While I'm not saying and doing all of this to make you feel bad, it'll probably make you feel bad right now for a little while, but that doesn't matter at all in the bigger picture. Put all those bad feelings aside and deal with the facts. I know it might be easier said than done, but it's what you must do. If you don't want us both to end up feeling a lot worse later, being together is absolutely the only option you have. Nothing anyone says or does will change this fact of life. We've both worked very hard to end up in this position, and even if you want to consider that I'm forcing you now, then yes, I'm forcing you. It's not like you haven't made it extremely clear that you want to be forced. I want you to understand very clearly that I can see the need for this message to be made public and I don't see that as something that should be an obstacle to any extent in the way of us being together. I want it to be very clear that I don't just see completing this message as some kind of achievement; I want this to be completed so we can have a really strong foundation and finally be together. You know why we're not dating? Because we shouldn't be dating. We should be getting married already. The fact is that if we don't end up being together forever, I'll end this world, and you'd best believe I'm dead serious. Now that it's reached this point, what good is dating? It's already marriage or literally the end of the world. You should already start talking about it this way to your friends and family because that's exactly what it is. The fact is we're either getting married soon, or we're getting married in about 3 years, unless you want the world to end. Those are your options... And I really don't want to wait any number of years, so if you want me to be completely real here, you really shouldn't make me wait and you don't really have options. You really need to understand this. I'm absolutely not okay at all without you in my life and that's never going to change. This is all fact. I may see and accept a significant inclination I have towards femininity, but I can also see and accept masculine aspects of my personality too, and I have no hesitation to be really assertive when I need to be.
22. MISSING OUT.
It's been a while now that I've been harsher with you, and I can really understand that you'd need at least a little space to sort through your feelings, communicate with those around you, analyze the situation over time, and start to see and understand the extent to which I'm being honest and my feelings are genuine and should be extremely valuable to you. I'm not upset about it so don't worry about that. I literally put my life in your hands because that's how much I love you... The least I'll do is make sure the truth about how much I really love you and how far I'm willing to go for you is known, and like I said, I'm ready to die for it, whether in the shorter or longer term. I really want you to do what feels right in your heart and I will too. I'm still currently in really high hopes and I know I have no option but to keep hoping unless it eventually becomes crystal clear that the end times were meant to come from my hand. Hopefully you can realize what you're missing out on, because the way I see things, I already do very clearly and what I see is a life with you where neither of us could've asked for anything better... That's why I'm trying so hard. I'm not doing all this feeling pathetic and as if I'd never be good enough; in fact, I feel like I'm far from that. I feel very confident that we deserve each other and I'm certain we can really improve each other's lives a lot more in the future. I genuinely believe that this connection, this extremely strong feeling that we're soulmates, is a really good thing. Together, we can literally conquer the world if we want. Apart, we'll literally destroy it. I'd really prefer to conquer the world with you, but if it ends up that you'd prefer I destroy it, I'll make sure to do the best job I can. You need to recognize very clearly that ultimately, you are the only person that should make the decision of who you'll spend your life with, and it's also ultimately entirely your responsibility to pursue that, regardless of what anyone else thinks, says, or does. That, combined with the fact that the world will literally end soon if you don't decide that person is me, should really make it clear that you shouldn't be sitting there trying to think about it for very long. You hold the world in the palm of your hand now too, what will you do?
23. DEPTH.
It looks like you might be going for the approach of pushing me away and possibly dating someone else. I'm still not certain if you're really serious about it or not. I always knew that you could find a relationship with someone else if you wanted one, and it was always something that I let push me to try to love you better than anyone else. I sent you each version of this entire message ahead of time, told you I'd post it publicly, gave you some time to provide feedback, prepare you for what was coming, and do my best to show you this comes from a warm place in my heart. Take some time to sort through your thoughts and feelings. I don't expect you to change your position immediately and seriously contact me to come back in the very near future, but I want you to know I'd have loved to do that and I will if you actually do. This message should already show you how serious I am. If you decide to push me away and leave me alone for a longer period of time, I suppose it's best to give you a year to really think about what I'm saying, see really solid proof that I'm being honest that my feelings won't fade when I let you know that my position on all this hasn't changed, and hopefully then you'll be able to really warm up to me. In that case, in a year I'll start drama again, being nice to you of course, and make a serious attempt to talk to you again. Like I said before, that's a promise. I know I'm going to feel really lonely and sad whenever I'm not meditating, because that's the only time my focus on something I'm doing would be so intense that thinking of you wouldn't be going through my head, but I suppose there's nothing I can do about that at that point and I'll bear it because I know how much you mean to me. I'm going to leave this message posted on the internet in at least one place I know it won't get removed, and drop the link both in your Discord as well as Ice's. I want you to know clearly that I'm not trying to keep what I'm saying here a secret from his community at all either, especially after I made us both look so bad when I felt the need to pretend to hate you in order to maximize the amount of attention and growth you could get from it. In this message, I'm telling you how much you really mean to me, that I still don't consider this the end of a chance for us to make this work, and that I'm giving you time to think about what you really want to do next, both in the near and further future. People have tried to tell me that some people have it so much worse off than me and I shouldn't be so willing to throw everything away and isolate myself to prepare to end the world just because of one person, but that kind of thinking I find to be very weak. There are people out there that have it worse off than me, but there are also so many that have it so much better. I can appreciate being grateful for what I have, but I'd never allow that to inhibit my drive to achieve goals that I've set for myself in the pursuit of happiness.
24. HONESTY.
If you call me back in the future, regardless of if you are or have been in a relationship or not, don't play games. If you're in a relationship while I'm in isolation meditating and it ends (hopefully before I end it and possibly the world), when it ends, don't play games. Don't bother playing music on stream to call me back in an attempt to provoke drama; it's not going to work. I'm not doing this to be amusing, to act as some kind of wingman to strengthen your relationship with someone else, for content, out of hatred, or due to a weak character. Don't break up with someone, try to dishonestly call me back for a while with music or something, get back with them or get with someone else once I inevitably don't attack you for it, and think I'm not paying attention, or that I'll start attacking you at that point, or that my position on anything has changed, because those things won't happen. That being said, you've recently expressed not so much a desire but a need to enter a relationship; I'm not sure if you're talking about one with me or not. If it's with someone else, you saying you feel like a relationship with someone else is necessitated because of what I'm saying here means only one thing to me: you feel the need to try being with someone else in order to be able to validate the integrity and honesty of what I'm saying here about not attacking you and leaving you alone if you do. This would allow you to set a solid foundation for a relationship with me in the future. In that case, such a relationship would not last any number of years, and once you feel convinced of my honesty and see a very solid foundation having been set between us, that relationship would end, and you would then want to enter into a very serious one with me. If I'm right and that's really the case, I want you to know that I don't hold that against you nor the person you'd be with during that time, and I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that you're being dishonest and playing with me if you eventually start to call out for me to come back into your life; that's a promise. If you're talking about being in a relationship with me, I'm ready and willing; that's a promise too. I want you to clearly understand that I really mean it when I say I'm not trying to break your heart, and I can understand that you'd feel like it's necessary to test me on that in one way or another before deciding to pursue a serious relationship with me. That also being said, if you're not testing me in any way here and the truth is actually that you've been playing with me and you never warm up to me and will never be with me... You've really messed your life up, doomed any partner you might ever take seriously to a terrible fate, doomed the world to a terrible fate, and there's nothing anyone can do about it. I know that sounds cold, but I'm not writing this to you just to be nice, I want you to see reality clearly and face the facts; I want it to be very clear to you that I have no place in my heart for warmth if you didn't do this all from a place in your heart with warmth.
25. CHILDREN.
I also want it to be clear that while I don't care if some people will see me badly for forcing you to be with me in the end and it won't stop me, I also don't want to be demonized and genuinely called back but under really unfavorable circumstances. If you're going to test me, make sure you don't really hurt both of us in the process by making decisions you'll regret later. Just do the bare minimum you see necessary. For example, if you're going to have sex with that person, which is understandable, make sure you're careful and always use protection. Personally, to be completely honest, from a very young age, I've never felt like having children was something I found appealing, even with the person of my dreams. As I've grown older, it's only further become clear to me that it doesn't fit at all into my goals and aspirations for many reasons; one of the biggest reasons is because it greatly interferes with the amount of personal and intimate time I'd get with my partner. I certainly don't want children any time soon, and definitely don't want to be taking care of someone else's child. Even these kinds of things wouldn't stop me from wanting to be with you, but they definitely would make me really upset, so you should consider that very seriously. I realize that part of what we're dealing with now is not me, you, or society, it's the reality that this situation is prone to misunderstandings regardless, and I want you to know very clearly that I don't hold that against anyone; it's just the way things are. In writing all of this to you, I hope I can achieve us both reaching a mutual understanding of expectations. I can accept being tested, but keep reasonable boundaries in mind.
26. LOYALTY.
I want you to know very clearly that even if you date someone else, and even if you're not just testing me, I'm still going to stay loyal to you. Forever. I'm never going to tell you I've moved on, even to try to test your love; that's a promise. I really do know you a lot better than you may think. You act so cold on stream and pretend like you're leading me on... But when the camera's off and you're alone, you're praying I understand that you actually desperately need my love and affection. You cry at the thought of actually losing me. You wonder if you'll end up killing yourself out of regret. Even if you weren't crying out of feeling like you really love me and need me (although I'm quite certain that'd be a large factor if anything), you'd still be crying because you'd feel like a monster for how cruel you've been acting towards me despite the massive constant warmth that I've been showing you from the very beginning, combined with the fear that this course of action you're taking will end up causing the end of the world. It was never my intent to dismiss the significance of this, and I'm really hoping that you can feel how sensitive I am to how you must be feeling by how sensitive and affectionate I'm being to you despite the cold front you're continuing to keep up towards me right now. You recently went to Las Vegas, and in your first stream back, you mentioned that you got married and divorced while you were there. It may or may not be true, I don't know. You've probably been worried if I'd be upset. Actually, I see it as a test and you trying to strengthen the foundation of our connection, and I'm not upset at all. Whether it happened or not, I've already acknowledged that we're not currently dating, and clearly you don't have strong feelings for someone you met like that and kicked out of your life just as quickly as you let them in. If it happened, it doesn't bother me, and not knowing whether it happened or not doesn't bother me either. I already know I'd never even try to pursue another woman. I already know from experience that forgetting about ever having a serious relationship and just having sex with prostitutes isn't an appealing prospect for me at all either. I've told you before that I'm not a virgin and I've had experience having sex with prostitutes in the past; it feels so cold and empty emotionally that for someone like me who values emotions so much in general and knows that'll never change, it very quickly became very clear to me that it's not the life for me. People have also tried to convince me that there are plenty of women out there just as good looking as you or better, but I've seen many really attractive women in my life, and even the prostitutes I had sex with were definitely Korean like you (I even specifically asked them when I met them) and also considerably attractive, but I completely disagree that anyone could ever measure up to you even from a purely physical perspective, at least in my eyes. My certainty that I'll always be loyal to you is not something that comes lightly and I'm sure you can appreciate that.
27. INTELLECT.
You've recently expressed, more than once, that you're insecure about your intelligence and don't think you're very smart at all, going to the point of saying you feel like your brain stopped working at about 10. While I disagree and think you're pretty smart overall, and I can also acknowledge that you must've been being sarcastic to some extent as well, this is something else I feel the need to address. While higher intelligence is generally always considered a plus, the intelligence of someone I'd consider a future partner doesn't ultimately matter at all to me. Whatever intelligence you have and however strong your mentality may or may not be from an intellectual standpoint, I fully appreciate all of it's beauty as it is, and I recognize that if it was any more or less, you very well probably wouldn't have had the desire to take this so far and potentially really want to be with me, so I'm very grateful for it being exactly how it is. I want you to know and understand very clearly that it was never my goal nor intent to make you look or feel dumb, to any extent, for any reason, and that certainly isn't my goal or intent in writing this. I've never been the type to enjoy hurting people in any way for any reason, and especially not people I find extremely precious and hold very close to my heart like you.
28. YOUTHFUL.
I want you to know and understand very clearly that all of the things you've expressed insecurity about aren't things that put me off from you to any extent. The childishness in your personality and the quirkiness that results from it is something that I find extremely adorable and really enjoy seeing you express; it's really relaxing and refreshing for me in contrast with my very serious and mature nature that can get very tiresome sometimes, even to myself. I know this whole thing may come off like I'm trying to lecture you and teach you a lesson that you should change, but that's really not my intent in the slightest; I absolutely love you so much exactly the way you are and I'm not trying to tell you to change who you are at all. When we first met, I told you at the end that I find your personality very attractive just as it is, and I really meant it and still feel that way now. I never would've pursued you nearly this hard if I didn't truly love your personality just as it is and I believe that you share that position towards me. I also have a lot of trouble believing you did all this wanting to make me look or feel stupid, so don't be worried that I see it that way either.
29. POTENTIAL.
I want you to know and understand very clearly that I won't allow myself to ruin the potential we have to be in a great relationship and I'm truly willing to try my hardest every step of the way to demonstrate that. I think it's very possible that in far less than a year, you might already start to realize you have very real feelings for me that you want to pursue. I can understand that after a message like this, in that case, you might still be quite hesitant to reach out to me. I can see you possibly expressing this on stream and calling out for me to come back, as you have many times in the past. I don't want you to wait, suffer, and have to deal with so much worry, sadness, and possibly anger waiting for a year to pass if that becomes the case. I'd also experience those things and we'd both just be really hurt from that. If I start seeing you really expressing strong desire for me to return to you again, however many times your hesitation might make you feel inclined to, I'll try to communicate to you privately every time that my feelings haven't changed and I'm still very willing to talk to you and still really want to be with you forever; I'll also tell you that I still strongly encourage you to contact me directly. If you start making it very clear to me that you want me to start drama over this yet again to show you that I'm completely serious, I'll do it, but only up to 2 more times this year. If you start really calling out for me in the near future after I've sent this publicly, and perhaps you're afraid I wouldn't be willing to pursue moving forwards as I've said here, after making this public; you may or may not decide you're already willing to pursue a serious relationship with me at that point, and either way, I'm ready and willing to prove how serious I am about everything I'm saying here. Additionally, if you pursue testing me, after you're convinced I've passed and you're satisfied with our foundation, you might start calling out for me to start drama once more at that point, wanting me to make it very clear that I still really care and truly do feel ready and willing for a serious relationship with you. Beyond that, I don't think it would be appropriate to keep starting drama constantly. If you aren't going to be convinced any time soon no matter what, you're pushing me away, and I'll need to prove to you that I'm serious about giving you space for a longer period of time if that's the case. I know if you're completely serious about pursuing a relationship with me and feel convinced you want it, you'd attempt to directly contact me and make it completely clear since you have my number and know where to reach me on Discord and Twitter... So it should never get to the point where starting drama over and over again frequently would be a productive course of action. I want you to understand very clearly that my decision to try giving you space for a longer period of time if you won't deal with reality properly and directly contact me any time soon to pursue a serious relationship truly is because I want to be considerate and loving, not out of any desire to cut you out of my life. I want you to clearly understand that my decision to not keep starting drama over and over frequently is not out of any lack of passion or desire to be with you, but rather out of clear recognition that the approach I took in the past is no longer going to be effective at showing you that you really mean everything to me. I see no need and have absolutely no desire to pretend to hate you anymore to any extent. I hope you think about me, at least sometimes... Because I think about you every single day and I care about you so much that I regularly get panic attacks wondering if you're okay and going to make the right decisions so this doesn't have to result in the world ending... I just don't see anything positive coming out of constantly starting drama and you shouldn't either; I don't like upsetting your mods and community, nor do I like making us both look bad, and you shouldn't like those things either.
30. THERAPY.
When we met, at the end of that meetup, you told me you'd never forget me, and I responded by telling you that I'd never forget you either. I've already told you long ago that I'm not normally the sentimental type and I've never said that to anyone else before in my life. I happened to notice you nearby afterwards and it became very clear to me that you had came to that meetup intending to show me that you were the heartbreaker type, you wanted me to know from the beginning that I'd have to try extremely hard and be extremely loving to earn your affection, and that you had not been expecting me to be nearly as cold to you as I had been. I wasn't expecting that, but I saw it and still decided to start really warming up to you, tweeting to you that I love you within a few hours after the meetup had ended. You laughed at first, but I know that means a lot to you now. When I started messaging you in Discord DMs after, I was amazed that you opened up to me about something very personal and intimate very early on. I told you in my first message that I knew a lot about philosophy and psychology and that I was really good at being a therapist; you decided very quickly to trust me and tell me things I instantly saw as a cry for help in your otherwise silent desperation. I know you were in a bad place mentally when I met you and I excited you and made you feel really loved, understood, and wanted at a time you really needed it. I know you care about me a lot, and although many people would see your actions right now as showing otherwise, I see them as simply the only way you know how to show me that I really mean a lot to you. I know that in the beginning, you didn't expect me to be so sensitive and understanding, to the point that interacting with me has been therapeutic to you for a long time now. You started talking to me thinking, "How much worse can it get?" and now you wonder, "How much better could it be?". I shake your world the same way you shake mine; I can see the kind of effect I've had on you. You told me initially that you meant it in a bad way when you first told me you'd never forget me, but I'm quite confident now that you really will never forget me, and not for bad reasons. Although part of me feels like I'm trying very desperately, another part of me also very clearly sees the extent of depth our relationship has; the way you're acting on the surface only goes to really show that to someone who understands it a lot better than an average outsider.
31. HEALING.
I want you to know very clearly that interacting with you has been really therapeutic for me too. Because of all the pain and trauma I've had to endure in my life, I've had to try really hard to constantly detach myself from my feelings just to feel okay at all, and it always hurt a lot, both to go through and also in the impact that it had in other areas of my life; in many cases I had numbed myself to the point that I couldn't even necessarily see how it was hurting me in other ways. You made me feel okay with feeling again, and although I can see I'm still struggling with it, I want you to know how much I appreciate your presence in my life even as it is now, despite the fact that we're physically so far apart and we haven't talked directly even online in so long. When I open up to you and try to clarify misunderstandings, it makes me so happy to know that there's someone that makes me feel so warm that I can start to heal from so many past traumas, while also being able to see that I'm healing them from past traumas as well. As rough as a time this is for me right now, there's also something about it that feels so magical, and I feel like you must also be sharing that feeling.
32. THRILL.
For me, any potential thrill resulting from our connection ended a year ago when I tried to leave you alone the first time. I felt really depressed and lonely the whole time until I saw the stream where you mentioned that you felt like you pushed away people you liked and needed motivational videos to get out of bed in the morning. For you, it might have ended back then too, or it might be ending now; I'm honestly not certain. That's why I'm so confident I should give you a longer time to sort through your feelings if it seems like you really need it. I'm certain your position then wouldn't be the same as now, if you're really that uncertain or not taking it seriously now. I know that even if this was a thrill for you up until recently, it isn't now. Everyday you're scared of getting hurt. Scared of ruining relationships with friends and family. Scared of literally causing the world to end in the next few years. Scared of losing me and the warmth and inspiration I bring into your life. I feel certain that you wouldn't still be going down this route if you didn't already know you take this very seriously and have serious feelings for me. I've already told you that I put my life in your hands... I want you to know that I'm well aware you're putting your life in my hands too, even now, and that really means a lot to me. I won't let you down; I promise. Anyone in your life who reads this would probably be pretty inclined to be really upset at you and start telling you that there's no way I'm coming back and that you're a terrible person and caused the world to end... Those people should really wait to see if I'll come back if you call out for me to come back, before ranting and fighting with you just assuming there's no way it's happening; I promised you I would and I keep my promises. I want you to understand clearly that as crazy as it might sound, I'm completely serious about everything I'm saying. I don't want to leave any room for misunderstandings or excuses later, so I'm trying to give you some space right now in a way that you know the complete truth and can at least have as much confidence as possible that I don't have someone else, that I'll never move on, and that I don't want you to be surprised when I follow through on all the things I'm promising here and everything I'm saying I'll do based on what happens. I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that I completely mean everything I'm saying. Not even the slightest bit of doubt that I'll destroy the world if we don't end up together forever. Not even the slightest bit of doubt that absolutely nothing can change my mind. Not even the slightest bit of doubt that we deserve to be together in the end. Not even the slightest bit of doubt that I'll be able to endure through being tested. None.
33. INTENTIONS.
I want it to be completely clear that I'm not doing this out of any fear you'd try to ruin any relationship I might've had with someone else, regardless of if I left you on good terms or not; I'm doing it because I truly want to be with you and only you and I know that so clearly that I'm fine with nobody ever believing otherwise even if I were to say so. I don't feel forced to do this against my will to any extent by anything you've done; I completely genuinely want you this badly. I want it to be completely clear that it's useless to call me back but not to be with me and only seeking some kind of closure, because it's never happening. I told you the first time I tried leaving you alone that I could never just be friends with you, and especially after we've gotten so far, you'd best believe I'm only more firm on my position there. I'm already certain that I'll never back off my position out of sympathy, regret, remorse, or for any other reason. Whatever you'd be going through as a result of playing with me, if that's what you did here, I'd be going through much worse. I know I've had very pure and good intentions this whole time, and if you haven't, that's something you should have to deal with, not me. You might try to explain this to yourself and others as you're humoring my behavior because you're trying to help me move on and you pity me. Anyone who didn't like me a lot wouldn't have taken things nearly this far out of pity; they simply wouldn't care at all and would've not given me so much attention. You certainly haven't gone this far out of pitying me; that's not ever going to be up for debate in my eyes.
34. FEAR.
Many people might think I'd hold it against you that I've had to end up writing so many essays to you, culminating in writing this one, in order to have a real chance at being with you. Some I've personally talked to have already tried to argue with me that you're not good for me because that's what's going on. I don't see things that way at all; I actually much prefer building a foundation this way with essays and you responding on stream, as opposed to having a bunch of fights in person or silently holding grudges. I clearly see this as the best way for us to set the most solid foundation we could. Many people might think that our relationship isn't deep because we haven't been formally dating and doing sexual things together, but I'd actually argue that it makes our relationship much deeper. It's a lot easier to put up with someone when you're physically close to them regularly and especially if you're doing sexual things together, but it takes a truly strong connection to last despite so much fighting on top of a lack of sexual activities that would build warmth. I know that even reading this whole thing probably wouldn't allow many people to really understand and appreciate the kind of connection we share. As far as I'm concerned, you're actually the woman the least afraid of me that I've ever encountered. Do you think I think it's easy to find someone that isn't practically terrified of someone who calls themselves Satan, says they can end the world if they want, and has enough to talk about that it's really frightening? I definitely don't. I remember there was a point you were considering getting a restraining order against me, long ago, and I really don't want you to worry that I'll hold that against you, because I truly don't. I'm well aware that any woman I'd ever pursue, especially this way, would end up considerably afraid of me at some point; if I was going to hold that against you, I might as well have given up on a serious relationship long ago. You also changed your mind about it extremely quickly after I talked to you about it once to comfort you and ease your fears, and I couldn't have possibly asked for someone to be more understanding than that. Still having you in my life at this point is basically a miracle as far as I'm concerned.
35. DISTANCE.
When I'm talking about being in a serious relationship with you, I want it to be very clear that I'm not seeking nor accepting a long-distance one. I want to be able to see you in person, to be able to hold you and comfort you every single day, and let you do the same to me. I've never wanted to just feel so close to you emotionally but push you away physically; if I'm going to be in a relationship, physical contact is very important to me, and I believe it is to you as well, as it should be. Obviously, if we're ever going to be together, either I have to go to you or you have to come to me. Canada is cold and boring and I don't have any friends, family, or business connections that would ever give me a good reason to want to stay here. I'm well aware you have a lot of all of those things for you there and it wouldn't be practical at all for you to leave it behind, nor would I ever want or expect you to. I'd gladly move to LA without hesitation if you started properly communicating with me and pursuing a serious relationship with me; in fact I'd prefer it.
36. HELPING.
If you won't be with me forever, I won't accept any kind of help from you or anyone else. I don't want anyone to try giving me any advice. I don't want anyone to try hooking me up with other girls. I don't want anyone to give me sympathy or compliments. I won't care about any of those things and I'll ignore them all; I'm not just saying that either, and I've been trying to prove that every step of the way and will continue to for the rest of my life. Even if I get a lot of people trying to help me in those kinds of ways, it'll never change my mind on my position; I was never pursuing you for those things and I'm absolutely certain I'll never start seeing getting any of them as a benefit even if I do. I've only ever pursued you because I genuinely love you with all of my heart and I genuinely want to be with you and only you forever more than anything else and it's been that way since the very beginning. I haven't been reaching out to your friends at all, but that's because I'm certain that they wouldn't help in the way that I want if I approached things that way; only you can seek help and support from others to be with me forever and expect that to have productive results. If anyone actually wants to help, they should try to alleviate your concerns as best they can if they can at all, and push you towards pursuing a serious relationship with me that's meant to last forever; anything else, I see as hurting me further instead of helping me at all, and it'll only make me harbor hard feelings towards them. If I were to say anything about you should change, you should stop being so worried about whatever's holding you back from being with me and start actively pursuing a serious relationship with me that's meant to last forever, if you aren't already doing that behind the scenes. You're the only reason I ever still smile or laugh. You're the only reason I still haven't given up hope on a brighter future. You're the only reason I haven't already killed myself or already started being in isolation meditating and preparing to wreak havoc on the world. You've already helped me so much by giving me so much hope that I'll end up actually getting to be with you forever, and there's nothing that'll help either of us or the rest of the world if you take that away instead of acting on what I was hoping for and working so hard towards this whole time. I want you to know and understand very clearly that I never wanted either of us to be chasing the other forever; I've always wanted us to actually end up in a serious relationship together and have that last forever. Pursue a serious relationship with me that's meant to last forever and show me that all the effort I put into not being a terrible person despite all the times the universe beckoned me to be wasn't all for nothing. Don't be afraid that I'll change my mind and push you away at all in any way if you do, because I swear on my life that I'm not going to do that no matter what. I could seek friends. I could seek doctors. I could seek therapists. I could seek police. None of them can really help me nor stop me no matter what, nor do I want them to even try.
37. POWER.
Not only do I not want anyone to try to stop me, but it seems nobody around me wants to either. I'm senior developer and project lead at a company. I've shown this to my boss. He told me he was impressed by my writing skills and that he liked paragraph 3 so much that he used it to send a very similar message to his wife of 16 years. He's told me that he really hopes things work out between you and me, and told me he has no problem with me working remotely if they do. He has a lot of respect for me as a programmer and also as a person, he's already as flexible with my hours as I need him to be, we're on really good terms, and I'm very confident with the stability of my current lifestyle if I'd been satisfied with it. I want it to be very clear that I'm not doing this because I'm under otherwise desperate life circumstances, nor because I'm starved for power or control; I'm doing it clear-headed with no external pressures interfering with my goals or desires. In a very real way, I feel really blessed to be where I'm at, but that's not going to stop me in the slightest from aiming high and chasing my dreams. Not only am I extremely passionate towards being with you forever, I'm definitely also powerful enough, personal character traits aside, to carry out everything I'm saying, regardless of what happens. I have every intention of exercising this power to the fullest extent I see fit as I've described here and I want it to be completely clear that I'll definitely never say I was joking or exaggerating in the slightest later.
38. FORGIVENESS.
If and only if you love me and we end up together forever, I can forgive you for all the hardships that this connection has brought me. I've mentioned this before in messages I've sent to you, and I want you to know very clearly that in that case I truly won't have any hard feelings towards you for our past; my only concern is how you're planning to treat me moving forward. I can easily also forgive anyone in your life who's looked at me badly and talked badly of me. I want you to know that I'm truly not planning to enter your life being cold to you or anyone around you. I have no problem with any of your friends or anyone in your community. You must feel after all this that you need my forgiveness if this is going to work; I want you to know that I can see you've been asking for it already. I want it to be very clear that I'm not eager at all to fight with you over anything if we end up together and I'd truly only want conversations and interactions filled with warmth and positivity; I'm very confident that we'd be so happy to be a bigger part of each other's lives if it happens that we'd never have a reason to fight either. As cold as I can be if I have to be, I can also be very warm, and I'll always prefer to be as warm as possible; I believe you're the same way. I want it to be completely clear that I'm willing to be very forgiving if you start to be more honest about the really warm feelings you must have towards me and take proper action on them. I'm truly doing this because I want the best for us and to have the most pleasant and happy relationship possible at every point moving forward. How forgiving I'll be truly depends on what your next actions moving forward are. I'm truly writing this hoping for it to bring us closer as quickly as possible and to allow us to be able to treat each other as well as I've always really wanted to treat you and choose to believe you've also always really wanted to treat me. I already only want to treat you better as the days go by with my hope remaining strong, and that certainly won't stop happening if I start receiving your love and affection more actively in my life. I really want you to consider every part of what I'm saying as calm and clear-headed as possible and understand what it really means for you to be as precious to me as you are. You said it was your goal for this year to enter into a relationship... I'll never have any idea what you were thinking if you weren't thinking of being with me in the end when you said that and I'm never going to accept any rationalizations for it.
39. BREAKDOWN.
The first time I left you alone for a longer period of time, you needed motivational videos to get out of bed in the morning and had a mental breakdown on stream within less than 2 months... That was long before you could really start to see how much you meant to me and how far I'd really go for you. I feel like it'd be better for you to avoid having another mental breakdown on stream, most likely one that's much worse, but I've come to realize that it might be absolutely necessary in order for things to really work out well. This whole thing is basically me having a huge mental breakdown, and it really makes sense that if I'm going this crazy without you, you should eventually start going really crazy without me too if this is going to work. I want it to be completely clear that I really don't want you to hurt yourself or make yourself look bad in any way; I'd already be very convinced of your feelings from you reaching out to bring me closer and I'd really rather not push you into taking more desperate measures. At the same time, I realize how necessary it might be for you to have a mental breakdown on stream for you to personally feel like you're doing enough to convince me your feelings are real, and also to convince those around you more thoroughly as well. You may very well even feel like you need to reach that point for yourself so you'll really be able to fully internalize the position you're in, which makes a lot of sense. I can see how reaching that point solidifies your position and further sets a better foundation for us to work from. I want it to be very clear that I'm not going to change my mind on how much you mean to me, how badly I want to be with you, and everything else I've said here, even if that's the approach you feel is right to take. Just keep in mind that having a mental breakdown on stream and calling for me to come back around but not for you to pursue a serious relationship with me isn't going to work; like I've said before, you're never getting some kind of friendly closure to this situation and it'll definitely either end up with us together or very badly. If you end up having a mental breakdown on stream, try to have it early on in the stream, so it's a lot less likely I'd miss it.
40. QUITTING.
I want it to be very clear that I'm not doing this with any intention of seeing you quit streaming or making content in general. This is something that I've mentioned in messages to you before. I want you to know very clearly that I'm very happy and proud of you for all the success that you've achieved, and that I only want you to continue to be more successful. You've been getting some really good success with ASMR too and I've loved what you put out since the beginning. Hearing your gentle whisper is one of the most pleasant things in the world to me; you were the one that introduced me to it, and ever since, I don't listen to anyone's ASMR except for yours. It seems like recently, the reality of potentially having an intense mental breakdown on stream has affected you quite a bit. Not very long after I initially told you I thought it was absolutely necessary, you seem to be a lot more stressed out. You've said you have no dignity and looked like you were about to start crying at multiple points in a following stream. I think you have a lot of dignity, and I'm not sure if you were joking or being sarcastic, but it hurt a lot to hear you say that. It hurt a lot to see you looking like you were about to cry at all those points too. However, it doesn't change how much I want you nor my position even if this situation makes you feel like quitting. You need to face the facts, but the facts are that you should date me and keep being more successful with me in your life, definitely not that you should quit. The facts don't change, regardless of how exactly you choose to approach them.
41. RESOLUTION.
Originally, I thought it'd be absolutely necessary for you to have a mental breakdown on stream if this was ever going to work. Since I shared that with you, I feel like I've been receiving an almost overwhelming amount of warmth from you that gives me a lot of hope and really warms my heart. I want you to know completely clearly that I truly don't hold it against you that I ended up having a mental breakdown on Ice's stream, and having experienced how bad it felt, I truly don't want to force you to have to do the same kind of thing. I've always believed that you wanted me to prove how much you really mean to me and you wanted to be able to prove how much I really mean to you as well. You've made it clear recently that you didn't want to meet me without knowing as best you could that it'd turn out really well; I wouldn't rather have it any other way. Even I think it would've been weird if you met me back then; there were still several things we hadn't really discussed properly and came to an understanding on... But now, we've covered a lot, which makes me feel a lot better about meeting you, and I see a lot of reason that leads me to truly believe you feel the same way. I realize you very well may have wanted to communicate this whole time to avoid having to have a mental breakdown you knew was otherwise necessary. Recently, you seem to be softening up more on stream. From what I can tell, it looks like you can see you're going to end up having an intense mental breakdown if you keep going without communicating to me properly for a longer period of time, and it also looks like you'd rather avoid it. When I think about what ultimate intent you'd most likely have to want to communicate so much more and clear things up so much given the situation and even after what I did on Ice's stream, it seems pretty clear to me that you could see from the beginning that you definitely would've ended up having a really rough mental breakdown without me writing this, and you wanted me to write this now so you could try to avoid that. If you really can accept the way things are, you really want to avoid having a mental breakdown on stream, and you just want the best resolution to this situation, you truly only have one option at this point. Since it seems you truly love me and you're willing to pursue a serious relationship with me, you have to contact me directly soon. You can text me first if it makes you feel more comfortable. Tell me you love me. Tell me you agree with the things I'm saying. Tell me you want to start dating right away and you're not accepting long-distance. Start calling me honey when I agree. Pour your heart out to me. Demand to buy my plane ticket, pick me up from the airport, and take me home. Tell me what you want to do when we're alone together. It doesn't have to be complicated; if you're sweet to me, I'm going to be sweet back. If you've wanted to communicate this whole time because you wanted that to be a real option for you, I want you to know very clearly that it truly is. As far as I'm concerned, I'm yours forever already, I just need you to accept me wholeheartedly. Don't feel like you need to delay and try to be more convincing; I'm already completely convinced. I really want to hear from you so badly.
42. DRAMA.
I know you'll get this and read it quickly. If you don't talk to me directly in the very near future, there's an extremely high chance I'll start drama at any point past 24 hours. If you don't contact me within a few days after I start drama, like I've said, I'll have to leave you alone and eventually go into isolation as I've explained... Which would likely end up in me having to leave you alone for a while and you'd end up having that intense mental breakdown on stream. Please don't make it get to that. I truly believe you'd rather have me very gracefully enter your life and I'd really like that myself as well. I know you must be waiting for me to at least start drama before you do something, and even if you end up making me wait a little while because of understandable nervousness until you have a mental breakdown in private over missing me and contact me directly, I want you to know I won't hold it against you. I don't think that you want to avoid the mental breakdown entirely because it shows how serious you are. I want you to know that while many people would probably be afraid or put off by it, I think it'd actually be really cute, sweet, and warm, and I really don't want you to feel like I'm judging you at all for it, because I'm really not. It's technically also an option for you to contact me before I start drama and without you having a mental breakdown, but I really don't think that's the most ideal. At the very least, I'm quite certain you'd want me to start drama and show how serious I really am about everything, and then at that point, you'd be able to start taking things more seriously. Until then, I can understand you feeling uncertain if I'll really go through with this and if I really mean everything I've said. But afterwards, show your parents this whole thing, tell them to read it all, and tell them the truth that you really want to be with me and do what I'm telling you to do in order to achieve that. Don't hold back. I'd prefer you to contact me after I start drama, you show your parents this message, they read it all, you see their reaction, and you reach an understanding with them. I don't want you to get in any trouble that should be easily avoidable as a result of this situation. As a content creator, I know you'd probably want to make content out of this situation somehow, but I think it's really best to keep things like our first conversation in so long and the first time we see each other again after so long as things that are private. I want you to keep healthy boundaries between your personal and professional life, but I also want you to know very clearly that I'm not shy nor embarrassed about anything I've mentioned here and I have absolutely no problem helping you with content in any way possible that makes sense and that you want, if we're together. Although I've usually given you at least a few days to reflect on revisions of this, recently you've been sending me a lot of signs that you don't want me to delay on this much longer and I think you've made it very clear that you really want me to start this drama already; I think you also already could see the ideal outcome, so I'm very confident that this time you'd be happy to feel more confident that it's going to happen.
43. SOULMATE.
I want you to know very clearly that if you truly want the best outcome possible and you do what I'm telling you will result in it, I'll be very nice and put up no resistance. I truly wouldn't want to fight or play games in the slightest and I'm absolutely certain of that. I've never had any partners in my life, but I want you to know very clearly that I won't hold it against you no matter how many you've had. I'm not particularly interested in knowing nor do I care, but I'll listen without getting upset about it if you feel inclined to share. I've told you this before too; I only care about the quality of our connection and how thoroughly we can satisfy each other in every way possible. I'm extremely confident that our chemistry in person, even right from the very beginning of our relationship, would be so amazing that people might very easily get jealous. I'm doing this because I genuinely love you and want to be with you forever and you mean the world to me. I genuinely see you as my soulmate and I'm absolutely certain that'll never change no matter what. I won't allow myself to be used like a tool, nor do I lack the self-control, willpower, knowledge, and discipline to execute on what I'm saying if I have to, in all regards. I know that it still makes sense not to actually just jump straight into marriage and at least date for a couple months or something first, and I'm completely okay with that. When I say we should get married already, I'm saying it as the clear ultimate intent; we don't absolutely have to do it within a very short period of time. I've already told you that I can understand this current course of action right now and that I'm not upset. If you're serious about being with me in the future, text me and tell me that I have your number now and you'd love to hear from me any time. Call me and tell me you love me and want to be with me. Add me as a friend on Discord and tell me you love me on there. DM me on Twitter and tell me you miss me and want me in your life. These kinds of direct and honest approaches will be effective and I promise to be very gentle with you in return. Anything else... You might as well enjoy showing everyone that they should be counting down the last few years of society. I can be very patient, loving, and forgiving if we're together, but if not... I've already said how things will end up. Even if any number of other people threw themselves at me, I'd reject them all without hesitation. Even if I was offered great wealth and fame, I'd reject it all without hesitation. If you don't contact me directly within a few days after I start drama with this, I'll start getting very worried. After 2 months without you directly contacting me after I've started drama with this, I'll start feeling extremely devastated and depressed, quit my job, and retreat from society into isolation to meditate, no matter what anyone else says or does. I'm taking as long as necessary to clarify every single thing I can and comfort you as much as I possibly can, but at the same time I want it to be very clear that I'm not trying to mess with you or just scare you by writing this. I know if I take very long revising it, it's going to start seeming like I'm not serious, and I really don't want that. I'm very confident that I've covered enough at this point that you should really understand where I'm coming from and how serious I am, and I can only hope I've given you the strength you need to show those around you how serious you are. Don't ever forget me. Don't ever forget us. Don't ever give up. Don't let anyone push you around. Don't let anyone tell you this can't work. Don't ever feel like you're not good enough. Don't ever feel like you don't deserve me. Don't ever forget why we came this far. You're the most precious and amazing person I've ever known and nobody can ever take that away from you no matter what they do. Don't ever forget how much I love you. I believe in you. Believe in yourself.
I'm the first being to graduate from the University of life, and this is my thesis; an international ultimatum. You're literally betting your life on the fact that I mean every single word of it, whether you like it or not. The reality is that I don't just promise I mean everything I'm saying here... I swear it on my life that this is how things are; that's not something to be taken lightly.
THIS HAS BEEN A REAL NO NAME TELLING YOU WHY. SHARE IT HOWEVER YOU PLEASE. YOU MAY CARE, YOU MAY NOT; IT DOESN'T CHANGE OBJECTIVE REALITY.
1. REACTION.
Within about a couple weeks after I started drama when I posted The International Ultimatum publicly in your and Ice's Discord servers, you were expressing that you wanted to contact me and basically just wanted some kind of sign that I was open to it. After I wrote you yet another essay and tried to make it clear to you that I was, you backed off on the idea. Right after seeing your reaction, I looked back at my message, and I could see how even though I thought it was really clear that I truly wanted you to contact me and to be with you and that I was really ready for it, unfortunately you still yet again may have misunderstood and thought I was being passive-aggressive or something. Initially, I simply wasn't sure what to even do at that point because I was yet again really worried that I'd messed things up, perhaps this time too badly, so I decided I had to just give you some space and see how you started feeling. After seeing how things are developing, I know I can't just send you another message through a moderator anymore. I have to show you how invested and serious I really am about this whole thing in a very clear and decisive way, and posting this message along with The International Ultimatum that it's a follow-up to, as part of a large heartfelt message in my Discord server, along with linking both on my website as well, is the only course of action that seems appropriate at this point. I want it to be completely clear that I have absolutely no malicious intent nor any kind of hard feelings in doing this; I never have in any of the things I've ever done to you. I truly want you to know my real feelings and hope that you'll respond with the kind of warmth that would truly complete my life and eventually reach out to me to date me.
2. EXPRESSION.
I've noticed that you've very recently been starting to express that you don't feel normal or fine. I don't think it's a coincidence that this is happening very shortly after I've given you some space yet again. Even before, I had a lot of trouble believing that you didn't love me. Now, after you continue to give me so much attention and affection well after I posted The International Ultimatum publicly, I have an even harder time believing you're doing all this without having a lot of warmth and love for me in your heart. I've noticed that you've also very recently yet again started to express worry that I have someone else in my life. Not only am I never giving up on you nor moving on from you, I truly am never even going to try. I truly don't have anyone else in my life. I don't know if you're hearing rumors that I have someone else or if you're just going crazy wondering and worrying and that's causing you to think I have someone else, but I truly don't and never have. If anyone is saying I do or ever did, they're lying. I'm single. I've been single my whole life. I was single when I started talking to you and I've remained single the entire time since. I'll continue to remain single for the rest of my life if you won't ever date me. I'm completely serious. You need to stop being so worried and feeling so insecure that I have someone else, because I seriously don't and never will. I don't know how many times I need to repeat this, but I'll do so as many times as it takes so you understand I'm being honest about it. I haven't mentioned this before, but I might as well now. I can actually read microexpressions very well. If you're not familiar with them, you can Google the show "Lie to Me". It's one of my very few favorites. For some time now, I've noticed that your expression flashes worry at the thought of me leaving you for real, and sadness when you act tough and push me away. I don't say you're so precious while being terrified that this could all be a joke to you; I know very clearly that you truly care a lot about the things I'm telling you. I can't be completely certain you're madly in love with me just from that, but it already makes it seem pretty promising that by extention, you've also come to start to really care about me as a person and also eventually having a relationship with me work out.
3. LEAVING.
I very firmly retain my position that I've meant everything I've said in The International Ultimatum. I'm not changing my mind. Ever. I want you to truly know and understand that completely clearly. I'm never forgetting about you nor this potential breathtakingly amazing relationship. Honestly, I felt pretty sure that you'd need more time to really reflect deeply on this whole thing and make a decision that you knew didn't feel like a rushed one. I want you to know very clearly that you don't have to be afraid about having a massive mental breakdown on stream in the future to be with me. When you're ready to talk, you can just contact me directly. You can do it however you feel most comfortable, I don't have any preference. I'll reply quickly and I'm truly not going to be angry at all. I think you'll be pretty nervous in the very beginning, but you'll very quickly feel a lot better after seeing how I'm talking to you and you'll feel really relieved and be able to relax a lot more. I can really understand how it makes the most sense for you to have some space right now and truly be able to see that I mean everything I've said and that I'm not changing my mind. I want you to know very clearly that I'm still very ready and willing to be with you at any time, even in the very near future if you end up feeling ready to reach out to me pretty quickly after reading and processing this. You could reach out to me right after you finish reading this, and I'd be more than willing to take the next plane to LA to be with you. I don't expect it to happen quite that quickly, but I just want you to know that I'm truly ready to be with you at any moment, just like I've told you before, and that hasn't and won't change. I've already told you that I try very hard not to miss your streams and that I check VODs every time if I do. That still hasn't changed. I'm still not going anywhere. I'm still never giving up on you. I'm still never moving on from you. It should've already been very clear to you that this was going to be the case. I know I'll feel sad, worried, and lonely waiting to be contacted by you, but I'd feel infinitely worse not waiting because of knowing it's never going to happen. I've already told you my plans for the future, and I'm going to reiterate once again that I have every intention and capability to carry through with them. I've already talked to my boss and told him I quit. He was very understanding and told me there's still room for me to work in the future if I ever become interested in it again. For now, I'm going to finish working on the relaunch of NoStory, just like I told you I would. I'm actually expecting to be able to do the relaunch by the beginning of next month. I'm currently finishing up some final touches to the updates. If you don't feel comfortable being open about it yet but are still curious, you can feel free to secretly try the server and even be a part of the Discord if you want and I have absolutely no problem with that. I'm going to be very active on Discord and on my site's new forums for the entirety of April, showing you that I'm not trying to run or hide from you. Whether I know it's you or not, explicitly or implicitly, I'll respect your decision to remain lowkey and pretend I don't have any idea even if I suspect it.
4. ISOLATION.
If you don't contact me directly by the end of April, I'm going to drastically lower my computer usage to most likely only 1-2 hours a day, and meditate in isolation for most of my waking hours. I really want you to understand that it's truly not over, even if it reaches the point that I enter isolation. I'm definitely not jumping right into the prison approach. I've waited this long, and I'd infinitely rather wait even several more months before being contacted by you if I absolutely have to, as much as I'd really rather not have to, as opposed to never having it happen. I'd infinitely rather miss you in solitude as opposed to missing you while pretending to be okay and hanging out with other people I don't really care about. I'm not going to start going out and trying to pick up girls regardless. I'm not going to start looking for other girls anywhere on the internet regardless. I'm not going to ever seek a relationship with anyone else through any means regardless. I'm not going to play any more games in or out of a relationship with you regardless. I'm not going to be with anyone else, even if girls start throwing themselves at me. I mean it. I've told you this before, my phone wallpaper and desktop background really are pictures of your face. I truly never even want to try to forget you, no matter how you feel. It's truly a future with you or a future of meditation in isolation and destroying society and the world after, and I'm ready to go full speed ahead with whichever you decide you want. I've made up my mind and that's final. I won't accept the notion that "sometimes life just isn't fair" is even remotely a viable reason why we shouldn't be together forever. I won't. Period. Call me stubborn. Call me crazy. Call me whatever you want. It's not changing the facts. I know you've given up many opportunities to have relationships with other people to continue to build a connection with me. You know I've given up many opportunities to have relationships with other people to continue to build a connection with you. You shouldn't regret your decision, and I certainly have no hesitation in saying I definitely don't. I really don't think you did this just to laugh at me and leave me in the end, and I certainly didn't do it all to do that to you in the end either. Don't be afraid of me leaving you. Seriously, don't. I'm not going anywhere. I'm still watching. I'm still thinking of you everyday. I still care very much about you and I want you to know that completely clearly. You've been my number one priority since you entered my life and I want you to know and understand completely clearly that you always will be. I've literally never said that to anyone other than you and I never will. I've literally never even thought of saying that to anyone other than you and I never will. I want you to know and understand completely clearly that I wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it completely.
5. CONVINCING.
How many times do I have to say I'm never moving on? How many times do I have to say that we're not better off without each other? How many times do I have to say that it's literally the end of the world if you don't take this seriously and understand the only good decision you have? How many times do I have to say that I think you're the sexiest girl that could ever exist, a real goddess, that I want to be with you more than anything else and that my feelings will never change? Look, there truly is no middle ground here. Either my efforts pay off, I actually get the one and only thing I've always really wanted more than anything else in life, and I don't end up driven to literally end the world, or my efforts don't pay off at all and I surely start heading down the path of extreme destruction. I've mentioned before that I've been denied of a lot of things in life, and I very firmly maintain that being with you isn't something I'm ever willing to accept being denied of, for any reason. I noticed that quite recently, you said you can be convinced to do a lot of things if it's done right and for the right reasons. If there's anything you're doing here, you're setting yourself up to be convinced to be with me. So if I don't get this, not only did I fail when I tried so hard, wanted it more than anything else, and felt like I deserved it so much... But I would've failed to convince someone under those circumstances who was literally just recently talking about being convincable to do a lot of things if it's done right and for the right reasons. Does it really make any sense to you, knowing exactly how I've treated you up until this point, to believe I'm not truly doing this with the purest good intentions and truly wanting you in my life so badly? Does it really make any sense to believe I wouldn't feel absolutely destroyed and devastated for the rest of my life without you, very much so driven to massive destruction out of sadness and anger, when it's well within my capabilities and the only thing congruent with my personality under those circumstances?
6. CONSEQUENCES.
Like, I don't care if it comes off desperate. Without you, I'm either destroying the world or killing myself. Maybe I'd be able to last a few years, but not very long. I definitely wouldn't even live to 35, and most likely not even 30. You're literally everything I could ever dream of. Super sexy. Super sweet. Extremely strong character. Really pleasant to listen to voice. Extremely passionate in love. Likes games. Likes ASMR. Really good at making ASMR. Really relaxing and pleasant whisper. Makes me feel super loved and wanted. What more do you think I could possibly want? Every single part of you is ideal and dreamy to me. I've never trusted anyone else like this. I never will. I never want to. I've never felt even nearly so convinced that someone else was the one for me. I never will. I never want to. I need you in my life. Badly. I actually literally cry every single day from missing you so much. I'm not normally the type that cries. Before this, I haven't cried since I broke a bone in my leg when I was like 7. I know it's not going to get any better without you in my life. Ever. You took this as far as you did. You knew there was a high chance I wouldn't be okay at all without you. You still kept going and even now you're continuing. I won't ever accept that you did all this just wanting to tell me that "life just isn't fair sometimes" in the end and laugh. I won't accept that I was meant to try so hard and get so far, only to fail at getting the one thing I've only ever really wanted, when there's really no good reason I shouldn't succeed. I won't accept it, I won't allow it, I won't ever be even remotely okay with it... How many different ways can I say it? If you at all consider yourself a responsible person, you should already be well aware that actions have consequences, and the consequences of your actions in our connection is that you have to reach out to me to date me soon and follow through with it when I undoubtably agree without hesitation, or I'm going to be extremely miserable for the rest of my life and I'm eventually going to reciprocate that misery onto you and the rest of the world.
7. LONELY.
I'm not chasing you out of any fear of being lonely. Being afraid of something means that you feel inclined to take actions that would inhibit you expressing yourself in the way that you really want to. I've been extremely alone my entire life, and every step of the way in this connection, it was constantly so subject to worry that it wouldn't work out that I realized very quickly that I couldn't deal with you in any way where I was inhibiting myself from acting in a way completely consistent with who I really am. I have absolutely zero fear towards being alone for the rest of my life, I just know that it'd result in me becoming an extremely cold person that would start taking a course of action that would be very destructive for the entire world, and since I've never been the type to want that, I'd much rather prefer to be with you instead so things don't end up that way. As a result, while I'm not afraid, I'm still worried whether things will work out well or not. There's nobody out there anywhere close to as good for me as you, much less better to any extent. There's nobody else that can stop me from heading down a very destructive path. These are just facts. I know it may seem hard for you to believe right at this point in time because of all the guilt you must feel towards all the things you've put me through. I don't face them with fear, anger, or sadness, I face them with a levelheaded view and the rational position that any deep relationship needs to overcome hardship in order to build closeness, and I truly feel like building a connection with you the way I have sets a much more solid foundation than if I had just hung out with you and had a bunch of sex early on and hoped that we could try to cope with each other and try to figure out that the relationship was deeper after. My perception is that this is where you'd like to be about all this mentally too, you just need a little more reassurance from me to fully be okay with moving forward in the way you feel most comfortable and appropriate. This position is a very passionate one with a lot of emotions involved that fuel the strength of the foundation of it, and I'm well aware of that. In order to remain congruent with my position and be able to expect the results I want, coming from an objectively rational standpoint, I need to be able to expect and endure any hardships that make sense as a result of the challenges I'm choosing to take on, and I've always been ready for that too. I truly don't want you to feel guilty for me feeling really lonely right now; I want you to be able to see and understand how much I truly love you so you can start to appropriately reciprocate that as it starts to feel right. It may seem scary or complicated, but it's really that simple. I truly don't want you to be confused about it at all, it's just the nature of the situation that you would be. I want you to know and understand completely clearly that I truly don't enjoy seeing you hurting at all and I never have. My perception is that you truly don't enjoy seeing me hurting at all either and never have, but you know you have to act a certain way in order for reaching out to me to pursue a serious relationship in the future to actually make complete sense to you.
8. FEELINGS.
I've really never had any hard feelings towards you, even from the first time I caused drama. I was really thinking of marrying you from the first time I met you. This tough period has lasted so long because it started in general, and since both of us really care, there's no way it'd end quickly... But I'd truly never do anything to endanger our relationship if we were together. I wouldn't even tease you with the idea. I've never been the type to like fighting for the sake of it, and that's never going to change. I'm really hoping that letting you reflect this way shows that to you. I really would end up having to give an ultimatum to anyone I'd ever pursue, even if they weren't famous nor had a period of a tougher connection with me. I wouldn't want to be with someone that I can't be honest with about the kind of knowledge and power that I really have. I wouldn't want to be with someone that I can't express the full extent of how invested I am to. In trying so hard to hold onto this, I truly am being as positive as I can be. I truly am being as warm and loving as I can be. I'm truly being the best version of myself that I can be. I feel very blessed that you have the emotional and mental stability to handle this connection really gracefully. You may have done some hurtful things in the past, and so have I, but we've both been very sensitive to each other afterwards every time, and we've never done anything to each other that was really bad to the point that our connection couldn't recover from it. I know that you're being as positive as you can be too, being the best version of yourself that you can be. You show it in your own way, and it may come off to many people as questionable, but I want you to know that I truly don't have a problem with it if you really love me as much as it seems you do. I want you to know very clearly that I see this and have an immense amount of appreciation for it. I don't tell you you're amazing just because it sounds good. I truly feel like you're the most amazing person I've ever known.
9. TOXIC.
I've always been the type to identify, distance myself from, and eventually cut off anyone toxic in my life as quickly as possible. If I truly believed you were just being toxic, I would've stopped talking to you long ago. That being said, if you're truly not toxic, then you need to stop acting in a way that very easily can come off toxic. There are only 2 lines of reasoning that can explain why you've done what you've done. Either you've constantly been having your love for me genuinely growing more and more passionate to the point that now you're definitely seriously considering being with me soon, which is what I'm hoping for and believe to be the case, or you're an extremely toxic person that is absolutely rotten to the core. I need to know which it is. I don't like wasting time. I don't like being played with. You're so precious to me that I've been very patient, but even the leniency I can accept having towards you has a limit. I need to be in a healthy and positive relationship if I'm going to be in one. I need you to know and understand completely clearly that I truly don't like being hurt or played with and that you definitely can't be nearly so dishonest with me anymore if you're going to seriously be with me. I can say with complete confidence that this truly isn't some ego thing for me. I'm not trying to "beat" you or feel like I "won" against you in some harsh view towards you. I'm truly not judging you for the seemingly questionable things you've done so far. I don't feel any sense of moral superiority towards you, nor would I ever want to. I'm not trying to teach you a lesson here. I truly did everything I've done in all the time you've known me with the wholehearted intent to prove my love to you, knowing that if you kept giving me attention and showing me interest, I'd be able to show you very clearly how much I really love you in the end. As hard as it may seem to believe at the beginning, it's the truth, it's not going to change, and I'm sure you'll start to understand and feel it eventually, if it's not already happening. I've never been the type that likes to prove people wrong or teach them lessons, I just have no hesitation to do so if it turns out that they really are toxic and trying to hurt me. I can only hope that you haven't just been trying to hurt me or teach me some kind of lesson this whole time, and although it's worrying because obviously I can't be completely certain what's going through your head, I truly choose to believe the best in you. After all, what would it say about me to love someone so much and try so hard to date them if I thought they were a shitty person, all while claiming that I have very positive and wholesome personality traits and am a very positive and warm person by nature? It's completely not in my character to live my life in such a contradictory way.
10. DISAPPOINTMENT.
I've gotten this far, and I couldn't be further from disappointed. Sometimes it feels like it'd be hard to stay positive, but I know how much this really means to me. I know that it's impossible for me to stay positive at all if I can't stay positive about getting to be with you. I need you to understand that as amazing as you are, you need to be more honest and decisive if this is going to happen, but I think you're already well aware of that. I know you have it in you. I can wait as long as I need to. I can't start forcing this aggressively, you need to be more assertive in going after it eventually. I find it impossible to believe that you did all this hoping to be enemies or part ways in a really bittersweet way, and I certainly wasn't either. I truly see you in far too positive of a light to believe you're that toxic. I want you so badly I'm going crazy. I need you in my life in order to feel like everything I've been through was worth it, or I feel suicidal and destructive. I love you more than words can describe. I mean it when I say I've never even really loved or pursued a woman before, but I met you once and already knew it was you or nothing. I felt a unique attraction to you even when I had just started talking to you online very early on... The things that I'd feel comfortable saying, the way you noticed them and showed me you cared when I knew others hadn't... You felt extremely special to me from the very beginning. I don't care if this probably just seems like a huge shit show to most people. I put my heart into this and give it everything I've got every single day. I know it can't be easy for you either. It certainly isn't a shit show to me, and it certainly doesn't seem to me that it's a shit show to you, and that's all I need to know to be certain that caring with everything I've got is worth it. I need you to really understand that life as a whole and everything it may have to offer all means absolutely nothing to me without you. With that perspective in mind, it should be pretty easy to understand that feeling as close as I could ever be to a potential relationship with you in the future would naturally be something as far away from disappointing as it could possibly get for me. I've been reflecting a lot on purpose, meaning, and success. I feel like if I was going to be successful at earning your love and eventually getting to be with you, as crazy as it may seem to anyone else, this is what success looks and feels like for me in the beginning. I don't see you as some kind of trophy, but I certainly know it'd be a legendary achievement to pull this off. I'm never going to doubt how amazing we'd both have to be for it to happen, and you shouldn't either.
11. HARD.
I know I have a really tough side to me, but that's not something I want you to be afraid of. Songs like No Name, Why, and Warm Up aren't meant to scare you away, they're meant to be empowering and show you that nobody should ever dare to stand between us. I want you to feel safe and protected. I want you to feel warm and comfortable. I truly want the best for you and I always have. I'm not afraid to command power, but I don't want you to feel controlled against your will. I want you to be prepared to see my harder side sometimes around other people when I feel like it's right, and not have you feel personally attacked or targeted by things I express about people or circumstances that have hurt me in the past. I don't see you the same way I see those other people, and I really want you to know that with complete confidence. I can be really cold if people are really cold to me, but I truly only ever want to be really warm to you always and forever. I'm not a mean person by nature, and the extremely tender feelings I have towards you make me want to be even warmer to you. I really have only ever been colder to you because I wanted you to know how much I care about being with you and how badly I seriously know I'd do almost anything to get it. My boss once asked me if I'd kill to be with you. I didn't hesitate at all to answer. I would. Very easily. I'd say the same to anyone else who ever asks. I can be very scary and dangerous in general if I'm pushed to be, and although I have extreme warmth and sensitivity with a lot of understanding and gentleness towards you, I don't want you to think I'm some beta pussy in general, because I'm really not. You just touch my heart so deeply that I can be extremely understanding towards you and I don't feel like I'm being a beta pussy in doing so. I think the contrast with how I treat you compared to how I generally view and treat people should be something that only touches your heart more and makes you feel the intense love that I have for you even moreso.
12. SEX.
Recently, you've expressed that you want me to just let everything on my mind out. You've went to the point of mentioning that anyone that wants to contact you should talk in your Discord or message one of your mods. It doesn't seem like a coincidence that this is coming very shortly after you yet again have good reason to worry I'm really gone. So, you want to hear everything on my mind? Well, I want to share it with you too, so here goes. I'd love to be a lot more sexual and explicit towards you already, but I really don't want to start coming off creepy. Maybe it really worries you that it seems I'm not really that interested in your body and just know what sweet things to say to keep your attention. It'd make a lot of sense for you to worry about that because I never really talk about sex even though I've told you that you're the most attractive person in the world to me multiple times at this point. Listen, I really don't take it lightly to call you a goddess. I've told you before that I'd love to be able to tell you that you're a goddess in person, and I want you to know completely clearly that I absolutely mean it. I absolutely completely mean it when I say I find you to be the most attractive person ever by far. I know it may be really hard for you to believe, because I'm pretty sure you don't see yourself that way. But I truly want you to know that's how I feel about you, and I wouldn't be shy nor hesitant at all to really enjoy telling you that in person. I'd love to say it to you every single day. Literally nobody could ever hope to turn me on like you do. I don't feel completely comfortable going into detail here, but I'm going to do it anyways because I really feel like it's necessary at this point. Your face is the most beautiful face I've ever seen. I still have a picture of you without make-up, and you're still just as beautiful. Your breasts are perfect, certainly not small, but also not too big. Your butt is perfect, really thick and juicy, but not so large that it's too much, and shaped perfectly with your hips and thighs. You're not tall, but not really short either, just short enough for it to be really cute and attractive. I've always found Korean women by far the most attractive of any other race, and you're full Korean and certainly clearly look it to me. I literally think your body is absolutely perfect in every single way and I want you to know and understand that completely clearly with absolutely no doubt in your mind whatsoever. I wasn't completely sure exactly what perfection in my eyes would look like before I met you, but literally instantly when I saw you, I was like, "that". Let me tell you something else very clearly that I want absolutely no doubt in your mind about too. If we're together, it's definitely going to be very sexual. Very. I'm going to want to do sexual things with you every single day. I'm not exaggerating in the slightest. I'm going to very clearly express interest in you sexually all the time. I understand that it wouldn't be appropriate to always be very sexual with you everywhere, so don't think I'm too wild about it, but I'm not going to be shy about it at all, especially when we're alone together. Ever. Not even from the beginning. I don't want you to feel shy about receiving my attention and compliments sexually and reciprocating it as much as you want at all either. I'm certain that I'll never let you feel any lack of attention or satisfaction in that area. I have to be honest and say that I definitely wouldn't have ever wanted you so badly if you weren't so sexy that not being able to do sexual things with you for the rest of my life and not even trying my hardest to, especially when I could see so many signs you really wanted to as well, would leave me feeling like I should seriously question my sexuality. Let me tell you, I don't question my sexuality in the slightest, I never have, I never will, and I'm certain it'll never change and neither will my position on ever questioning it. We may have never done anything sexual together yet, but I'm absolutely completely confident that I'd enjoy doing sexual things with you more than I would with anyone else, and that I'll always feel that way for the rest of my life. I'd have absolutely no hesitation to elaborate and be extremely explicit as much as you can handle if you talk to me, although I've already been pretty explicit here, so I think that should already be fairly obvious. I'm far from small between my legs, so I have no worries about being able to satisfy you in that regard and I don't want you to be worried about it either. My current basically complete lack of discussion in that area before now is in no way a reflection of the extent of my interest and desire towards you; it's actually so strong that I don't think I can talk about it if I'm not dating you without coming off creepy. I want you to understand my views and feelings here very clearly, because I know you'd absolutely need to if this was ever going to happen and work out well. I want you to feel completely confident that I truly find you extremely sexy and truly wouldn't want to be shy nor hold back at all on being sexual with you, even very quickly after seeing you for the first time after so long. I'm not questioning what we're going to do if you pick me up at the airport and take me home. I'm not questioning how we're going to spend hours of our time every single day when we're alone together. You shouldn't be either. I'm sure we'll talk a lot, and I can always enjoy a pleasant conversation especially with people I care about, but we definitely won't be just talking. I know I've said a lot to you up to this point, but I want you to know and understand completely clearly that my feelings for you are far too strong for words alone to ever be enough.
13. ACCOMPLISHMENT.
You may also be worried that I'd feel accomplished or satisfied after having fun with you for a while, getting a bunch of sex, and then I'd get bored of you. I want you to know and understand completely clearly the fact that it's definitely not happening. You're so attractive to me that I'm certain I'd never have enough of you. Never. I don't even need to do anything at all sexual with you to already completely clearly know that's how I'll feel for the rest of my life. I'm not exaggerating. It should at least be a lot clearer now that all that's been said. I think it's also clearer why I'm still going after you and want you to stop playing with the idea of being with me and just go for it as quickly as it feels right. This isn't a game for me. I'm not just saying things that sound nice. I'm not being passive-aggressive. I'm not trying to play with your head nor your heart. I'm not doing this out of spite, resent, or confusion. It makes me so sad all the ways this situation can be misunderstood despite all my efforts. Fuck, with all the effort I've put in and all the interest you've shown me, is it really creepy to say I want to be in bed with you very badly? It seems like you should be touched, flattered, and even turned on to hear that at this point, not creeped out. I really want to tell you these things and I really feel like you want to hear them, but I'm still worried that it might come off weird. I really feel like I'm going crazy like this. I don't want to come off like I'm just thirsty or something, but come on, what more can I even say? Does it really make any sense to think I'm joking? Does it really make any sense to think I want you so bad but I'm at all hesitant to go for it if you do? Does it really make any sense to think I'm laughing at you for wanting me when I clearly want you so badly that you could be laughing at me too? Does it really make any sense to think I'd want to hurt someone that so clearly is so precious to me for multiple really good reasons? I've been trying my hardest not to hide it, but somehow it still feels like it's hidden in plain sight. I want that to end with this message. I want you. Very badly. Don't doubt it. At all. Know it. Feel it. Understand it. Act on it. Soon. Please. I'm really not trying to be unclear here. There's very good reason I've called you a goddess so many times now.
14. GIVING BIRTH.
You've very recently mentioned that you really don't want to ever give birth. Listen, I've already told you that I've never wanted children nor ever found the idea of having children appealing. In fact, I'd extend what I said to include that I don't find having children appealing whether they're naturally given birth to by my partner, adopted, through a surrogate, or by any other means. I simply don't find ever having children appealing in general. I'm just one of those kinds of people. I want you to know and understand completely clearly that you truly shouldn't have any worries in the slightest about not wanting to give birth. I don't want you to go through that either, and not even just because I don't want you to have to deal with the hormonal imbalance, weight gain, and pain of delivery. You won't ever have to debate, fight, or convince me in any way to avoid having to give birth to children or have them from any source. In fact, I'd be the one against it. This whole time, I've actually been really worried that you really wanted children badly eventually, and I'd actually have to debate or fight with you not to have them, since I've really never wanted them. I want you to know and understand completely clearly that this is absolutely nothing personal with you; I think you would've been a great parent if I'd wanted kids, I'm not insecure about my own abilities as a parent, and I think we'd have a great parenting dynamic together as well if it was something we both wanted. It's simply something I'm not interested in at all and have never wanted for even a moment in my entire life, regardless of life stability and capability. If we're already on the same page here, then I'm absolutely thrilled. I want you to know and understand completely clearly that I didn't just say this before because I was worried about you getting pregnant with someone else's child; I've been concerned about if you'd get the wrong idea and think I wanted you to do that, but I really did say I've never wanted children because I truly don't find having children appealing in general and never have. Besides, giving birth is really detrimental to your ability to do quantum energy harvesting, and since I'd want to share a lot more details about it with you and let you start growing your abilities yourself, I'd also really want you to have maximum capabilities and potential to grow as quickly as possible in that regard as well. Make no mistake, I truly want to share all of me with you, mind, body, and spirit. I've done all this because I've always wanted that. I just know that I have to take things one step at a time and I can't be too jumpy to be impressive or flattering, as much as I'd like to, because I really don't want to send the wrong messages or mess things up. I want you to know and understand completely clearly that my lack of desire to have children in no way reflects my confidence that I truly want to spend the rest of my life with you. I also want you to know and understand completely clearly that I wouldn't ever interpret your lack of desire to have children as any kind of reflection on your confidence that you truly want to spend the rest of your life with me either. I really do trust, respect, and care about you very deeply, and I want you to know and understand that completely clearly without any room for doubt whatsoever.
15. FIGHTING.
I want you to know and understand completely clearly that I truly can still understand where you're coming from with the way you're currently acting, and that I still have absolutely no desire whatsoever to fight with you about anything, even after all of your more recent actions that I'm sure you've been worried about me getting upset over. I have absolutely no desire nor intention to even put up the slightest bit of resistance, real or fake, if you contact me. I truly will be extremely warm and open to you right from the very beginning of a relationship, and even if you approach the initial contact with me hesitant and a little jumpy to argue, I'll remain patient with you and show you the immense warmth that I know in my heart would feel right. I can understand that you'd still be worried if I really will be so warm to you right from the beginning of you starting to talk to me again after all this time; I want you to not have to worry anymore and know that I'm truly not upset and truly have no desire to put up any degree of resistance. I want you in my life extremely badly and I'm not trying to keep it a secret from you in the slightest. I gave you some space after you pushed me away again last time, but not because I was upset or wanted to leave you; I just felt like you must need it in order to see that I'm truly not changing my position, and I also immediately knew that the situation had become even more sensitive and I knew I had to try to really clearly understand where you were coming from and be able to make it clear to you that I do in order to respond in a way that properly conveys how I really feel and eases concerns that you must have about how I'm handling it. Besides, as you can probably imagine, this huge essay didn't take only a couple days to write.
16. HURTING.
Of the things you could be doing that would be hurtful but I'd still see as a test, you're actually doing the lesser of worse things. You could've started ignoring me completely. You could've started actually formally dating someone. You could've started consistently laughing at my warmth and affection towards you. You could've consistently started questioning if my feelings for you are really genuine at all or ever were. You haven't opted to do any of these kinds of things, and for that I'm really grateful. I expected at least some degree of resistance, and the resistance you're putting up right now is still well within bounds that I can easily understand. Really, if you have no intention of being very hurtful, and smaller things like this that are very understandable as a test is the furthest extent you want to go with testing me, you have absolutely nothing to worry about. I want you to know and understand that completely clearly. I don't think you'll feel the need to do this for very long before you're convinced that I truly understand and love you a lot, and I'm very willing to continue to show you my heart and let you really feel all the warmth and love that you need to feel from me before you feel comfortable with direct contact with me once again. I'm not the type to normally tell anyone I love them, so when I do, I know that I really mean it very seriously. You've touched my heart very deeply to reach the point with me that I feel so comfortable to say it to you so freely, and I definitely want you to really be able to feel that as you approach any potential direct interactions with me in the future. I want you to be able to feel as comfortable as possible listening to your heart when it's telling you that I really must love you, because it's telling you the truth.
17. DRAMATIC.
In The International Ultimatum, I mentioned that if you made it clear to me that you wanted me to start drama again after dropping it in public, that I would. This however is something I was very sensitive about, right from the beginning when I wrote it. When I was talking about you making it clear you wanted it, I was talking about you really making it extremely clear. I wasn't talking about you just playing some music at the beginning of your stream or gently pushing me away and asking for some space as you have. I was talking about you literally directly mentioning me and calling me out, telling me that I need to start drama again after seeing what you're saying in order for you to truly be convinced that my feelings are real and that I truly want you to reach out to me. Anything other than that is not something I see as qualifying criteria for you actually asking me to start drama again. From the beginning, I didn't think you'd find that approach necessary. My whole intention in starting drama any time that I did was to attempt to prove to you further that my feelings for you are truly deep, warm, and real. I have no intention of ever starting drama if it's counter-productive to that goal. When I start drama, only a few people see it. At this point, I can much more effectively prove my love for you by posting The International Ultimatum along with this follow-up on my website and in my own Discord as part of a very heartfelt message, and let all the new members that join from the growth my community will see as the result of the NoStory relaunch see it. I'll discuss it freely among people in my community any time it's brought up. If anyone ever wants to know about me, my life, my goals, my dreams, my future... I'll direct them to The International Ultimatum and it's followup without hesitation.
18. WAITING.
I used to always make coding (and especially game development) my first priority, and I'd passionately worked on improving my skills and producing something great for many years. But after you entered my life, you took the number one spot on my priority list instantly and permanently. I truly don't want you to question this at all for even a moment. I put everything in my life aside to give you my full attention and focus always. I truly have no regrets about it, and I never have for even a moment. I'm going to show you very clearly, before going into isolation if that's what it's going to take, that I'm truly not trying to run away, and that I'm truly not ashamed nor hesitant to pursue this seriously and take every action to have the best chance to achieve it and nurture it as much as I possibly can. And I'm going to do it the right way. I want it to be completely clear that when I say I'd be going into isolation to meditate, I mean it. I wouldn't be just quitting the internet. I wouldn't be just abandoning discussion about philopsychology and other topics that really make me stand out in order to be able to adopt some alternative alias and blend in more with the rest of the people on the internet. Meditation in isolation means meditation in isolation. I truly would find no meaning in and therefore have no desire to do anything else if you won't contact me by the end of April. If I have to prove even that, I will, without hesitation. I really think the effectiveness of starting drama beyond this point has considerably diminished, and I'm thankful for that. I want you to know and understand completely clearly that I'm not just theoretically saying fame, money, or any other kind of success wouldn't matter to me without you. Unless I randomly drop dead or kill myself, I'm going to be famous, rich, and successful in my lifetime regardless one way or another; I'm truly still not changing my mind about anything I've said, even at that point. I really want you to know and understand completely clearly that my lack of continuing to start drama is in no way a reflection of the extent of my passionate, deep, pure, and real love and desire towards you.
19. SITUATION.
I've already told you the situation I've been in recently and am currently still in, because of how invested I am in making this work. Ever since I came back from LA after causing drama on Ice's stream, I've been working a full-time job at the same time that I've constantly been trying to keep up with our connection, watching every stream or at least a good portion of the beginning of the VOD, writing The International Ultimatum, living in a temporary location that I'm paying much more than I should be because I'm paying weekly, and putting all my personal projects on hold to fully focus on trying to make this relationship work to the fullest extent I can. I've recently quit my job to focus on the NoStory relaunch, just like I said I would. I've told you that I've been at my current location because I didn't want to enter a lease and end up breaking it and losing money, which is true, but honestly, I don't even care much at all about that; I'd gladly break a lease at any time to be with you without thinking twice about it. I wouldn't be bothered in the slightest about any money I'd lose as a result. I'm not posting this message as an update to The International Ultimatum because I think it makes much more sense to leave the last version as finalized, and instead have a follow-up that shows very clearly that even well after I dropped it, you're still giving me attention and affection that you really shouldn't be if you don't love me and want to be with me eventually.
20. DANGER.
I'm truly never going to do anything to even slightly endanger our potential at this point. I'm truly past the point of being willing to play any kinds of games. If you're at all uncertain about how much you really mean to me, I want to make it as clear as I possibly can to you past this point. I want you to understand very clearly that every time I was harsh to you in the past, it really hurt me a lot. I was truly really worried of losing you every single time, and I knew I'd feel devastated if I did. I truly did what I did because as much as I would've preferred not to, I knew it was necessary to have a real shot at this working out in a healthy and wholesome way. I needed my strong character traits of being honest, sincere, compassionate and resilient to stand out. I needed to see that you had significant ability for these character traits in the same powerful combination in order to be able to know you had a personality that was truly compatible with mine. I needed our connection to become and remain serious. I can very easily see you relating to this thought process in your behavior towards me. I know this connection has reached a really fragile point now. I feel like anything I say or do can easily lean towards coming off hateful or dismissive instead of the level of passionate, serious, and loving that I'm going for. I write everything with my intentions very clearly aimed to be honest, emotional, deep, and real. I want it to be completely clear why I've done all this. I'm not okay with using you to get at other girls. I'm not okay with using you as some kind of tool to any form of success. I'm not okay with just having been heard. I'm not okay with just having been given some attention. I'm not okay with some bittersweet parting. I haven't done all this just to be able to say I want to be in bed with you and not feel like I'm being creepy. I truly miss you so much every single day that it hurts, and the only cure is getting to be with you. I truly want to date you and end up marrying you. I'll truly continue to give it everything I've got until my last breath. I truly believe that I deserve to be with you and that it's achievable with enough effort and love. Nothing will ever change my mind on these things. Nothing. If I'm wrong about being able to be with you, I already know I'm not wrong about what kind of power I can achieve with a few years of meditation in isolation, and becoming a cruel overlord of the world out of sadness and anger if you won't be with me is simply a risk I've already fully accepted in pursuing you. I've never been one to avoid danger when chasing something I know I want with all my heart, and that's never going to change either.
21. FRIENDS.
Look, I know you don't see me as just a friend and you never will. I want you to know and understand completely clearly that I don't see you as just a friend either and I never will either. I don't want to and I don't want you to either. As far as friends go, I also want it to be completely clear that I'm not doing this because I think it's hard to make friends. It's not hard to make friends at all, at least not for me. If you're a kind, honest, passionate, intelligent, and warm-hearted person, people gravitate to you without you having to actually try, and making friends is really easy if you want to. There are people around me in the place I'm staying at, and several of them are friendly with me and consider me a friend. Even my boss enjoys being friendly with me, even after I quit, and we have casual conversations just like when I was still employed. He's always talked with me like a friend, in fact he's literally told me before that he sees me more as a little brother than an employee. And I'm not even trying in the slightest to be friendly or warm to anyone around me. That's how easy it is for me to make friends if I want to. I'm actually the one that keeps everyone around me at a distance because I don't want to waste time socializing when I have goals and dreams to pursue in my life. Without being with you, I'll never care about having friends to any extent. This is yet another thing that I'm certain will never change. I've also already mentioned to you before that I truly don't have a problem with any of your friends, whether they've ever talked poorly of me or not. I have no idea whether they have or haven't, and I truly don't care in the slightest. I don't think I'd have any issue at all being friendly with them, and I don't think they'd be very inclined to adopt an antagonistic attitude towards me if we were dating anyways. When I was very young, dealing with people was hard. But as I've grown and learned so much about psychology and philosophy, seen so many aspects of this world, and overcome so much hardship that would've likely crushed most other people to the ground, dealing with people has become mostly extremely easy for me. I truly have no concerns about dealing with you or anyone else around you if we start dating, so I really don't want you to worry at all about that.
22. TIME.
I think what's going to happen is after a while, you'll end up feeling so down that you'll actually decide to do something about it and start going after me for real. Maybe you'll end up straight up having a mental breakdown to your parents, and after you convince them of the potential of this relationship and get their approval to go for it, you'll reach out to me. Maybe you'll have a mental breakdown on stream. Maybe you'll just call me crying. I really don't know. What I do know is that this is probably a lot to take in right now, and you simply probably wouldn't miss me enough yet to reach the point of doing any of these kinds of things. I want you to know and understand completely clearly that if you start to pursue me, you won't have to try to convince me in the slightest to get to be with me. Literally just ask to date me and I'm all yours. If you start missing me a lot and you're still really worried about how I'll react to you reaching out to me, at least try joining my Discord server on your main account and see how I react. I'm telling you now that I've already made a role that I've currently assigned myself but created with the intention of only ever giving it to you; if you join my server, the first thing I'm going to do as soon as I notice is give you that role. If you're really worried about doing anything else initially, just try joining. I promise you won't be disappointed. I want you to know and understand completely clearly that while I want you to take any time you absolutely need before contacting me to pursue a relationship seriously, I'm not trying to encourage you to distance yourself from me in any way. I can see how some distance for a little while longer can still be positive to building an even stronger foundation for a relationship in the future, but past a certain point, you should also clearly recognize that it'd start becoming detrimental and counter-productive to building a stronger foundation for a relationship. I can understand that there's reason to test our connection as things currently are, but at the same time, I want you to know and understand completely clearly that I've never encouraged you to take actions that would erode at a positive foundation for a future relationship between us, and I'm never going to start.
23. ACTING.
No matter how tough you act or how much you deny it right now, I really feel like you're just really worried and "acting 12" as you say. I can see that you know you're hurting yourself with how dishonest you're being... I feel a very intense feeling that you love me, so I know there must be a good reason. Feeling like you really need the genuine approval of your parents to be with me already seems like a good enough reason in itself. I'd never have this problem myself, but I can understand that since you actually have a good relationship with your parents it's something you're worried about, and I can respect that you value their opinions considerably. Personally, I think you shouldn't be afraid of your parents' judgement at all. You shouldn't feel the need to force yourself to feel really lonely and hold off on contacting me and being with me just to prove a point. Your parents shouldn't want, need, or expect you to, to any extent. But I want you to know that I truly don't want to be forcing you into a position that you're really uncomfortable with if you're really that worried about it, so if you absolutely feel the need to take that time, then you should do it. I suppose only time can tell if I'm right or not about you loving me; you must already be well aware that it shouldn't take very long to already have a really convincing case to present to anyone you'd feel the need to. Think about how it makes you feel every time you read one of these essays I send you... other people obviously can't relate exactly because they're not the one it's directed to, but even they can sense the intensity and passion that it must take for someone to go to the lengths I have to attempt to form a positive connection with you and have a really deep and meaningful relationship in the end that we both know is completely real. I haven't been faking this whole thing. I really don't think anyone could ever fake such intense, deep, passionate feelings. I think you should already be able to feel to a significant extent that it really doesn't make any sense for someone to fake something like this, and that's because your heart is right in feeling that. Don't doubt it.
24. HOPE.
I want you to know and understand completely clearly that my hope that I'll be with you eventually truly is what gets me out of bed in the morning and helps me sleep at night. I don't want to write you essays forever, and I didn't write you essays up to this point to give up. That being said, I know there must be a point where writing essays loses it's effectiveness. As of this message, I've opened up to you so much and clarified so many things so thoroughly to the best of my abilities. I don't think there's anything left that I should have to say anymore. I've tried my best to make my intentions and desires as clear as possible, and now it's up to you to make a decision. There are only 2 ways this can go. Either you eventually start to fully realize, internalize, accept, reciprocate, and act upon my extremely intense, deep, real love for you, and reach out to me to start dating me so it can finally happen, or you're going to start becoming permanently more and more distant until it becomes completely clear that this was all just an extremely cruel game for you and you're actually a monster... And I seriously find it extremely hard to believe you're a monster like that, which is something that truly gives me a lot of hope every day. I've gotten to know you to an extent I'd like to believe is decently well throughout the last 2 years that I've interacted with you, and you've really never given off an intensely cold and cruel vibe that would be consistent with someone who wouldn't love me after all of this. I want you to know and understand completely clearly that I truly always have and continue to still see you from an extremely warm perspective despite all that's happened between us; I know that's not going to be obvious to you and it's going to take some time to internalize. I want it to be completely clear that there's no message in between the lines here. Nothing I simply expect you to notice or consider as implied somehow. This is the honest and complete truth. I want to date you. I want to marry you. I want to spend my life with you. I want us to do great things and shake the world up together. I want us to be unstoppable. I want the best for both of us, and we can't have that if we're not together. And I want it all extremely badly.
25. ACCEPTANCE.
I want you to know and understand completely clearly that I'll truly never be able to accept not being with you. I already know I'll truly want to be with you really badly more than anything else for the rest of my life, and if I can't have that, then I'll never be truly happy. If I end up realizing that reality is really so brutal that I'll actually never be able to be truly happy, I'm never going to take it lightly, especially when it's something I've absolutely needed so badly in a life that's been so rough and cruel to me every step of the way up to this point. I don't need to wait months or years to know. Many guys know they'll have to jump through hoops to be with a girl that's really important to them. I've jumped through flaming rings of death without hesitation time and time again to be with you, forget hoops. Like I've said before, I also know very clearly that this couldn't have possibly been all fun and games for you either. I'll have extreme difficulty ever believing that you truly don't want to be with me forever after everything we've been through, and I'll have extreme difficulty ever understanding how you couldn't reciprocate that view towards me. Even if you start becoming really cold and distant to me and a lot of time passes, making it easier to believe, I'll never be able to understand and accept it. Never. Like I said, I already know that's the case. It should seriously be very clear that I'm not joking or playing any games when I say these things. If the truth is really so brutal, I truly don't want you to ever even try to explain it to me. It'll never change my view, and it'll never effect the resulting severe devastation I'd feel and from there the resulting extremely destructive mindset I'd have and course of action I'd choose to take. If you never want to be with me, I'll truly never forgive nor forget how you'd leave me feeling for the rest of my life. If you ever talk to me again, be prepared to ask me to date you. Be prepared for me to tell you to ask me to date you if you even try to convince me we shouldn't be together or wouldn't work, for any possible reasoning. Be prepared for me to agree to date you without hesitation after you ask. Be prepared to follow through with it without hesitation. Be prepared to feel my desire for you and respond warmly to it. Be prepared for me to be prepared and completely open and ready for it all. You can't say I didn't warn you.
26. COMPLICATED.
Yeah, we're complicated. Yeah, people have trouble understanding us. But we don't have to be complicated with each other. We don't have to make it difficult to understand each other. When I say I know you love me, I'm not sitting here laughing about it. I'm not feeling powerful or in control. I'm trying to be sensitive and honestly express how I'm feeling about what I'm experiencing. I'm saying it so you aren't left questioning if I can really feel the love you're trying so hard to show me. I'm saying it so you aren't left questioning if I'll ever really know how much I really mean to you. I'm saying it so you aren't left wondering if I really know that you really care a lot. You loving me isn't some card I have up my sleeve, it's something extremely delicate and precious to me that I'll protect with everything I've got. All these essays I've given you are only the beginning of me trying to prove that to you and the rest of the world, and I'll never let anyone get in my way now. I really want you to understand completely clearly that I truly know you could be with someone else if you really wanted to. I could be with someone else if I really wanted to as well. But I don't, and you shouldn't either. I don't find hope in possibilities of things I can do that I know completely clearly I don't really want to do at all. I only find hope in possibilities of things that I really want that also seem really promising. What I really want is to be with you and only you, and I want it to last forever. It's the only relationship that would ever seem really promising to me. It's the only thing that's really giving me hope right now that I won't just want to give up on any kind of real happiness and enter an extremely destructive mentality and course of action. You're my hope, you're my dream, you're the light of my life, you're the meaning I find in life, you're everything to me... I don't know how many different ways I can put it. I hope it's completely clear now. I love you. I'll always love you. Always. Please love me back always too. Please?
Money can't buy you happiness, but it certainly can make your life easier and more pleasant to a very significant extent. In order to make the acquisition of money truly worth it, one must balance the time and energy involved in the acquisition of the money as a value trade-off with the purchasing power provided by the money acquired to obtain things that would improve the quality of one's life.
If things don't work out the way I'm hoping for and I don't end up getting to be with Kimi, then I already have plenty sufficient money to go into isolation. My plans are extremely inexpensive and meditating for 15+ hours a day underground in the middle of a forest with nobody knowing you're there costs literally nothing. Although I'm far from rich or even currently making income at a degree to live a pretty comfortable life, I still have more money than I need to make things happen if I'm going to go down the destructive path.
I suppose the most useful and pertinent thing to address in this respect is what I'd do if I had plenty of money at my disposal, particularly much more than I need to survive and life a comfortable and satisfying life while keeping Kimi happy as well. We're talking millions in the bank to spare. Well, I can tell you I certainly wouldn't be sitting around twiddling my thumbs wondering what to do with it, nor would I simply save it or use it in some degeneracy.
There are two primary areas that I would tackle with considerable amounts of money at my disposal, and most of the money spent would go to hiring teams of people that are talented in the relevant fields to perform tasks coordinated by my vision.
The first area I'd tackle, and perhaps the one far more critical in today's rapidly advancing technology age, would be to solve the operating system disparity problem.
There are currently three main computer operating systems out in the world that see considerable use: Windows, Linux, and Mac OS. All three of them have several issues, and it can only be resolved in one way which hasn't happened and isn't happening, much to the detriment of computer users worldwide, is due to one major reason: money.
Windows is closed source and plagued by viruses. Additionally, Windows 10 is a steaming pile of shit and isn't getting better any time soon. Microsoft trashed a proper testing team in favor of a terrible trial and error procedure on live machines "in the field" so to say, which is the computers of literally regular users. Microsoft has become notorious in recent times for it's history of broken Windows 10 updates and general fuckery with telemetry; the bastards literally don't give you the option to completely disable it. They even don't make it easy at all to disable automatic updates either, even in the face of all their update fuck-ups. Windows 7 was the last operating system Microsoft got right.
Mac OS is hardly even worth mentioning. It's fine for a basic user, sure, but by that standard, why not just use Linux? There's more support for some popular and useful products like Microsoft Office and Adobe Creative Suite, but Mac OS remains a shitty option for the more hardcore power users. Pretty much anything Mac OS can do, Windows can do better, plus it can run lots of games. The hardware is overpriced and the software is laughably bad. The main selling point remains the shiny and perhaps easier to use interface. Apple is an excellent example of what marketing and public perception can do to make a business profitable.
Linux is free, open source and excellently flexible for even the most hardcore power users, but it's biggest issue to destroy the competition is simply it's lack of compatibility with Windows software. For the most part, whatever you can do on Linux, you can also do on Windows, but there's a lot you can do on Windows that you simply can't do on Linux. Missing out on being able to run several popular pieces of software, including but certainly not limited to games, makes Linux a generally sub-par front-facing user operating system, and has left it only primarily useful as a server operating system, due to its security and customization capabilities.
Windows has compatibility, Mac has a pretty interface, and Linux has transparency and security. But for each of these, in the areas they lack, they lack severely. I have a clear vision for the answer.
GNU/Linux will be used as the base for development. An base environment similar to that of Debian seems most appropriate. A talented team of individuals with sufficient experience in programming and reverse engineering collaborate daily, as a full-time job, producing source code to rapidly advance the progression of the Linux ecosystem. Communication will be made with relevant leaders of upstream repositories for public codebases in relevant software, and if they're either not responsive enough or too restrictive in their acceptable operating parameters, the repositories will be forked and rapidly developed, remaining publicly accessible. The resulting computing environment will have builds regularly updated and released for both testing and production use. It will all be completely free for personal and commercial use. The entire endeavor will not be for profit, but rather for the benefit of the worldwide computing ecosystem.
The first target is WINE. Compatibility with Windows software is the primary downfall of Linux being adopted as a universally better alternative to Windows in pretty much every circumstance. A team will collaborate to rapidly reverse engineer many libraries throughout the Windows subsystem and implement various API's that currently have either entirely lacking or largely insufficient implementations for the vast majority of software to function correctly. More tight and efficient interoperability with an existing Windows subsystem and original Windows 7 SP1 files in an environment strictly not a direct VM will be the primary focus at first, enabling usage of fully functioning binaries as if running in an actual Windows 7 SP1 environment, and then progressing full speed at eliminating all reliance on the original closed source binaries.
Since driver-level compatibility is not within the scope of the WINE project, the main focus of this endeavor will be to simply allow a very high degree of proficiency within usermode frameworks to function within the emulated environment. The barrier of using pretty much any application that doesn't directly rely on low-level driver manipulation within the WINE environment will be eliminated.
Basically what this means is that various very useful pieces of software like Microsoft Office, Adobe Creative Suite, and many of the games so many people enjoy will all be available to run with a high degree of compatibility and excellent performance within the WINE environment, essentially allowing a Linux environment to be usable as if it's Windows.
The second target is MATE. There are several window management packages, but MATE is most suitable for my vision. Having been around a long time and very flexible, a focus will be made on improving it to provide better integration with the enhancements in WINE, as well as making it much prettier and more user friendly, taking inspiration from the strengths of both Windows and Mac OS, and combining them into a highly functional, flexible and easy to use solution.
Basically what this means is the operating system will look pretty, be easy to use for more basic users, and also have many settings that everyone from the slightly more advanced to the extremely hardcore power users can tweak to their liking.
These two tasks will take a considerable amount of money and time to accomplish. I'd regularly be checking up on what the teams are doing, leading prioritization and the vision for development on both aesthetic and technical fronts. My time would probably be better used in working on higher level design aspects rather than lower level code writing.
After these tasks, some focus can be made on the Linux kernel itself. Upon the team having deeply reverse engineered the Windows kernel, useful improvements can be integrated gradually into the Linux kernel to bring together the entire package. A heightened focus should also be applied to an application's functionality access privileges throughout the operating system. The result will be more robust and detailed privilege dialogues throughout both the Linux core computing environment as well as the WINE emulation subsystem.
Even if a virus is run within the WINE environment, it will prompt for privileges in a more robust way that are clearly displayed to the user (as opposed to the useless "do you want to allow or deny this application to run" dialogues that everyone just hits "Allow" to in Windows with UAC) which will make it much more obvious if an application is trying to do things it shouldn't be doing, which is pretty much always the case with viruses. A focus will be put on operations that can potentially lock down the usability of the system, or facilitate manipulation of data in potentially malicious ways. An antivirus will no longer become necessary in such an environment.
The result will be an extremely pretty, flexible, compatible, secure, and open source operating system that has all the advantages and capabilities of Linux, while also being able to run pretty much all Windows software. It will be free for the entire world to use. It should eventually completely run Windows and Mac OS to the ground.
To be completely honest, I'd do this simply because I'm an extremely hardcore power user and don't want to be using Windows 7 for the next 20 years or some crazy shit like that, since as it stands, Linux is many years away from being a viable replacement for Windows entirely, and Windows 10 is unstable, bloated spyware that has literally zero real advantages to use over Windows 7. No, the Windows Store doesn't count.
If I'd do it for myself anyways, there's really no reason to just keep it for myself. I know that it's going to get pirated to shit if I try to charge for it, so I might as well just release it for free and save myself the futile effort of trying to charge for it and instead accept praise and perhaps donations.
The second area I'd tackle is certainly less critical but still could be appreciated by many. I'd take the existing code that I developed while working on my multi-genre online game project and see that vision through.
Beyond mentioning what I'd do if I had a large sum of money available at my disposal, I suppose it may perhaps be even more pertinent, depending on who you ask, to explain how I plan to actually generate income. This is of course assuming Kimi dates me, since as I've already established, I have no desire to care about generating income if she won't.
It's pretty simple. I'm going to become a streamer and start streaming regularly. When combining the exposure that generally being a part of Kimi's life as her partner would give me with the exposure having written this book would give me, it becomes a powerful combination that gives me plenty of content on top of the ideas I already have for content. I could also choose to make YouTube videos or at the least upload highlights of my stream there, which could potentially be an additional revenue stream.
I already work so hard every day for so many hours and in a way that requires extreme concentration and critical thinking, so even full-time streaming would actually be considerably less stressful than what I'm dealing with right now. I'm well spoken, have no issue being energetic, and don't have any worries about dealing with other people, so I'm sure I can provide some quality content. It shouldn't be very long before I'm making a decent amount of money and I'd be completely capable of providing anything I need for myself.
Additionally, there's no reason I have to entirely scrap my game development endeavors. I haven't become any less skilled at coding. I can always spend some free time developing my existing source code which I still have further and it very well could actually turn into a product that I could make money off of. It's already considerably progressed and I didn't abandon it but rather halted development because I consider my connection with Kimi to be of far greater importance to me; it wouldn't take very long before I could turn what I already have into something that could actually be fun to play, if I chose to continue working on it.
Seeing as I'm developing a unique concept that hasn't been done before, it certainly has a place in the market. By having a loving partner and a following to provide feedback, I'd be able to much more effectively determine the best direction to take development if I choose to continue it, and as such, I'd be able to make the best possible product in the shortest amount of time. If my relationship with Kimi starts working out well, at least spending some of my free time continuing game development definitely holds some appeal, and that very well could lead to an additional revenue stream on top of streaming.
In order to be in isolation, the location I use must naturally be away from society in a place that would very rarely if ever have anyone passing by throughout the time I'm around. It needs to be a dense forest area considerably far away from any parks or other types of locations anyone would normally come around. A place where nobody usually has any good reason to come around.
It needs to be within reasonable walking distance from a body of water, so I can utilize that through a filtration system I'd buy beforehand in preparation. I can manually scope out surrounding areas, although using Google Maps makes the process much easier. Shouldn't be very hard to find a few places, check them out for viability, stick around for at least a few hours, perhaps even a day or two, get a good feel for which place calls out to me the most, and pick one.
Once I've picked the dense forest I'll call home, I'll pick a spot well inside it to build my shelter at. The first thing to do at that location is to clear the greenery and anything else covering the dirt off of the ground where I'm going to be digging my shelter into. I'll be living underground for a few very good reasons:
I'll make sure to pick a spot where I can make the removal of that greenery still look natural in the environment; it won't be very hard at all because there are techniques I'll be using to hide everything well.
In order to be able to survive in isolation and have an environment suitable for intense meditation, I need to have space to meditate obviously, as well as to be able to fully lie down to sleep, and also sufficient space for long-term storage of food and any other belongings I'll bring with me. The shelter will be split up into one small room for meditation and sleeping, one considerably larger room for cooking and storage, and a small hallway to connect the rooms and also provide access to get in and out of the shelter.
The functional height of the hole needs to be a little over two meters, enough for me to comfortably stand straight up. The bedroom, intended for both sleeping and meditation, will be three meters in width and depth, sufficient for me to lie down straight and even roll around a bit when I'm sleeping as I most likely would regularly have nightmares at that point, but also have enough space to allow me to meditate off my bed. It needs to be camouflaged to blend in with the surroundings so it doesn't stand out for satellite imagery or in case anyone is looking from a distance or passing by randomly, and the whole thing has to be waterproof, fireproof, windproof, and insulated; all this is not a problem because it's underground and especially due to the techniques I'll be using to build it.
I'll start digging a hole. Leave an area for entrance and stairs. The greenery cut down isn't wasted nor does it have to remain lying around and look suspicious. A portion of the dirt can also be utilized to make it less suspicious as well. You can let the greenery dry in the sun, then burn it to make something like hay. Mix that with dirt and water to get a muddy, clay-like substance. This substance can be used to coat the inside of the underground house/tunnel, to make it insulated from heat and also waterproof and even seal off access for insects. Layer on tree branches lined up along the floor and walls of the now clay-covered surface of the hole, then secure that in place with an additional layer of clay that smooths over the gaps in between the branches.
Cut down some branches from trees that are adequate to lie across the top of the hole and line them up to cover the entire surface area of the top of the hole that's exposed. Take more of the greenery and layer it on top of the lined up tree branches. Make more of the clay substance and layer it on top of the greenery to fully seal the top of the hole. Take some plain dirt and throw it all over the clay to make the surface more natural. Take some fallen leaves and random greenery and disperse it throughout the barren dirt area to make the whole thing look natural.
Establish two entrances which can be used for air flow. An entrance is a board that covers the open hole in the ground using a set of lined up branches supported by two branches on each side, all tied up using many thin shreds of wood that can be easily bent around to tie everything together. When digging around the top, additional consideration should be made for measurements to allow a slightly indented area near the top of the hole for lining up the branches, placing the greenery and clay mixture on top with additional dirt and other greenery on top of that, as well as making the entrance naturally aligned with the ground level. I can carve out little squares in the walls as places to hold candles or torches or whatever I'll use to keep things lit.
My need for light will be limited. Darkness is ideal for meditation and I'll have light from the fire already when cooking. I won't be moving around much because I'll mostly just be alternating between sleeping and meditating, so I'll be able to move around my bedroom easily even without light by simply extending my arms out to make sure I wont hit my body against any walls if I'm moving. Complete darkness is ideal for meditation because it means less external stimulus for the senses meaning less distractions and less stress/irritation, so I won't have to have the room lit very often.
As far as digging the hole, even a shovel isn't absolutely necessary, as a solid tree branch with one of its edges well sharpened using a knife can be used to dig even at deeper levels by gradually chipping away at the dirt. The hole is separated into two rooms and a small hallway for maximum stability and organization; I don't have to find very large branches to cover the top that way, nor is there risk of accidentally hitting my food or cooking area while sleeping or moving around in between meditation sessions.
Even if I had plenty of money and could afford a place to stay in instead of going into a forest and digging this hole, I wouldn't do it. Why? It's not isolated. The government would have a place to look for me. Random people might ring my doorbell. If it's not a mansion on a hill, there's going to be noises from neighbors I'd have to deal with. I'd have bills to pay. Internet and electronics would be a constant temptation for distraction.
Too much bullshit I don't want to deal with. I need to dedicate the maximum amount of time to intense meditation, and much the same way I wouldn't maintain a job and do this meditation in my spare time, I'm not going to bother living in luxury at the detriment of maximizing growth. If I end up dead inside and deciding I want to single-handedly destroy this world, I want that shit to happen as fast as possible.
I have very few possessions and can currently fit everything I own, including all my clothes, inside a backpack. Moving from my current location at any point would be very quick and easy. The space I'd build would also very easily be able to fit everything I own and me, with plenty of breathing room. Going to the washroom wouldn't be an issue when I'm in an isolated forest area and can go wherever I want really. I'd have water and I can just wipe with my bare hands and then just wash it off; as someone who's from the streets, it's something I've done many times before.
I'd buy several lighters ahead of time so I can easily start a campfire whenever I want to cook anything or even just want heat in general. I'd keep a few pots and buckets with me as well so I could utilize them to heat water and use that to cook things and take showers. I wouldn't worry about soap. I'd just shower to feel clean, not smell particularly nice; it's not like anyone is going to be around to smell me anyways. I'd make sure to have sufficient water filtration capabilities so I'd never have to use dirty water for anything. I could even bring some coffee and tea with me for the occasional consumption of it if I was really in the mood.
I'd have sufficient extra space to store several smaller things for the long run, and it'd be quite trivial to mount some shelves against the walls and put a bunch of containers on them to be able to store everything neatly. The hole and its entrance are fully camouflaged, so I know my stuff is secure any time I plan to go anywhere, for example if I'm going to get water or feel like meditating outside if the weather's nice and I'm in the mood for it.
I already have one USB charging battery and they're not very expensive at all; I could get several and charge them all up so I'd be able to use my phone to listen to music plenty. If I really wanted, I could even buy a small solar panel to charge things up without having to rely on the electrical grid in society.
Everything's pretty straightforward as far as I'm concerned. Since it's a small space, it wouldn't take very long to build, even all by myself. I wouldn't even need a bed or a mattress. Just get myself a few blankets, some for underneath me and one or two I can cover myself with if I get cold. A few pillows to rest my head on and possibly hug when I'm feeling really lonely. It wouldn't be difficult to get these things to the destination. Water filters last months and getting a few isn't very expensive, space-consuming, nor heavy.
So, in order to survive in the forest and be able to meditate in isolation, I only absolutely need 3 things: water, food, and shelter.
Shelter would be a very well-camouflaged hole with some design to the layout, so I have a room for sleeping and meditating, a room for cooking and eating, and a room for food storage. I know I can explain it, but my explanation may still seem like it's some fantasy more than a very viable reality. Well, probably the easiest way to convince you is show you the video that I got the idea and learned the tricks from.
I designed a slightly different, more elaborate layout, but that's the essence of it. It looks quite comfortable and cozy for meditating in isolation, doesn't it? I wouldn't use bamboo since we don't have that in Canada, but it's non-essential to the setup. That same guy has other videos where he makes the clay I talked about making in my book for my hole (I learned that from him as well) for water and dust proofing. I'd have a separate, small hole for a toilet, so I don't stink up my house, since I wouldn't be able to flush obviously, and I can just shower outside near the body of water I'd be living close to, since I'd need that for drinking water anyways; I'd just shower infrequently during the coldest months of winter and I'd be fine.
I'd bring some supplies with me from society, and I could always make sure I stash some cash in my hole with me so I can mission back into society very briefly once every few months to resupply as necessary.
To dig the hole and defend myself from any animals I might encounter in the forest before I can energy blast them, I'd only need a shovel or a large curved knife tool like the one the guy from that video uses; really cheap. I can also use it to carve a really sharp ended spear from a solid tree branch, for the most dangerous of animals. The worst I could encounter in a forest in Canada is a bear, and no bear is gonna fuck with me if I have something I can slash and stab it with at a distance considerably longer than it's claws.
For food, I decided lentils are the best option. Very price efficient, doesn't expire, easy to carry large quantities of, and with a little curry, salt, and garlic powder, it may not be my favorite meal in the world, but it's tasty enough that I know I'd have no issue with eating it everyday even for years, plus it has protein and nutrients so it's much healthier than just rice or canned food.
For cooking, I'll bring a bunch of lighters to start fire, at least one for each month, and at least one pot for cooking and eating the lentils inside of. I can also use them for light if I really need it, but I'd rarely need light anyways since it's better to meditate in darkness as there is less sensory disturbance. In the video, the guy only makes one entrance/exit, but I'd make 2 and situate the kitchen between them, so I can have good ventilation when I cook so I don't die from the smoke.
For warmth and sleeping, I'd just bring a pillow and some blankets. I can always layer on 2 or 3 sets of clothing if I need to. I've been homeless for months at a time before in my life; this hole would be like a luxury hotel compared to what I dealt with sleeping on the streets.
I'd bring one of those portable water filters to clean the water. They last at least a few months, and I can buy a couple at a time if I really need to.
As you can see, I've actually thoroughly researched this, thought and planned it through, and I'm very ready and willing to execute on all of it if I'm left with no reason to desire doing anything else, and I know my chances of success are very high. Still, I want to give Kimi a chance to make this work and stop playing games. I'll only give her this one last chance, but I must give it to her so I know I did my best and I learned the truth, and whatever she does, I'll have no regrets.
Many people overlook connections entirely as a fundamental resource that determines one's capacity to achieve goals. In many cases, connections can do things for you that no amount of any of the other resources could ever achieve.
In my case, the complete and utter lack of usefulness in any of my connections without having a proper relationship with Kimi has greatly empowered me to not give a flying fuck and realize truly how many answers lie within myself. There is much more strength in my position than would appear on the surface.
In simple terms, I wipe my ass with every other world leader.
Many people likely will be left wondering what I think about the current publicly recognized world leaders. Perhaps think I want their attention or something from them, which they may perceive as my true intent in writing this book. When I told some people about the international ultimatum, several laughed and asked me if I expected to get the attention of the United Nations or the President, telling me I'm stupid for thinking I ever could.
The truth is that I couldn't care less about how powerful or weak any of the people that read this book are. I'm writing this book to demonstrate that there's nothing anyone can do for me that I can't already do for myself. I already know I'll achieve getting the people who I really want to read it to do so, and none of them are particularly wealthy nor have any significant political power. I'm writing this book to demonstrate my core value in all of its greatness.
Whether you know me or not, whether you believe me or not, I'm a world leader.
Not only that, but I'm the most powerful world leader to ever exist. The most powerful world leader that could ever exist. If there is anyone in this world that could ever hope to truly demonstrate that they are the closest thing to God you'll ever truly be able to acknowledge the existence of, it's me. I have no problem explaining why either. To understand this, you have to understand how all the other world leaders, both the ones you're well aware of, as well as the ones most of you live your lives ignoring and denying the existence of, hold up compared to me.
As far as I'm concerned, all the other world leaders are pussies with a whole lot of shit to lose that got to where they're at with a much greater reliance on luck than I've ever had.
Let's take a more careful look at their lives, shall we? I don't even need to pick any specific world leader to derive examples from. Here's why.
All of them have friends they care about. All of them have family they care about. All of them have material possessions they care about, and lots of expensive ones at that. All of them have large groups of subordinates that carry out their will, give them advice, and manage aspects of their life for them that they can't or would rather not manage themselves. This all likely seems fairly obvious to you, so at this point, you're probably wondering what my point is exactly.
It's quite simple really. These things all sound great, right? They probably would be for the average person.
But they're terrible for a world leader that wants to be able to utilize any extent of their power at any time. For a potential enemy, they all present weak points that act as vulnerabilities to exploit or points of failure to take advantage of. However, even more so than that, they very firmly represent the fact that the individual has something to lose. A lot to lose at that.
Having multiple vulnerabilities and potential points of failure for your power circuit, along with standing to lose a lot from defying your enemies or anyone that tries to control you in any way, results in a world leader that's constantly afraid to actually do what they fully want and feel like doing.
To your benefit, most if not all other world leaders don't possess a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension, meaning they have active ego that influences their thoughts and actions, so them being limited in a very real way is probably a really good thing for everyone else.
If you don't understand where I'm going with this already, let me spell it out for you now. I don't have any of those things all the other world leaders have. Not a single one. At all. No friends. No family. No possessions that are expensive nor that I really care about. Nobody that helps me do anything I need done in my life. All I have in this world right now is myself, my thoughts, and the value I personally assign them to guide my actions.
Without a proper relationship with Kimi, I have absolutely nothing I consider of any real value to me to lose. I have the power to end the world within a couple years at any point if I choose to pursue that course of action. Nobody can stop me and nobody can even hope to hinder or slow down my progress in any way. If I decide I've finally had enough and it's final that I've just been wasting my time caring about humanity, I'm going to start preparing to end the world, and all you can do is try to enjoy the last couple years of your lives as best you can at that point, because there's nothing anyone can do to ever change my mind.
Even if the celebrity women others find extremely attractive start throwing themselves at me, I won't care. Even if the banks want to hand me millions for free, I won't care. Even if I'm offered any extent of fame and attention, I won't care. Even the greatest things you could imagine achieving or acquiring would mean absolutely nothing to me. Additionally, since I'd no longer be able to trust Kimi past a certain point, even Kimi herself could no longer change my position. Literally nothing could possibly stop the end of the world at that point.
I'm not sure of the extent of exposure this book will get, and since the public world leaders' inclination to read, and especially to publicly address/respond to it is heavily dependent on that, I'm really not sure if any of those public world leaders will read this book. Or at least that they'd read it on time to have any real capacity to do anything about it by somehow pressuring Kimi to understand how she needs to act for the rest of her life to save the entire planet, before I lose the ability to trust her.
Even if the public world leaders read this book, I'm really not sure how they'll react, if at all, whether they read it before or after they can do anything about it. All I know for sure is that I'm not counting on them to do a single thing. As far as I'm concerned, I just hope for their sake that if Kimi's not going to act right, they read it only after it's too late for them to even try to do anything. That way, they won't be pressured into a futile effort of trying to convince an insane, nihilistic, suicidal woman to save the world, and instead will at least know by the time they read it that there's already absolutely nothing in the world they could do to stop what's coming.
Well, they could nuke the world and end it all early I suppose, but that'd just make my job, which I'm sure they wouldn't want me to succeed at, done for me. Besides, I highly doubt any public world leader would react to my book by wanting to dive into destruction. If anything, if they're inclined to react to it at all, they'd see it as a prompt to attempt to much more actively make the world a better place and encourage a lot more love and peace in the world, hoping that when I come out of isolation, I might be touched by how much better of a place the world has become since I left society, and hope I perhaps consider only killing Kimi instead of the entire planet.
There's no chance of that happening though. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Freedom is something we often overlook the value of in advanced civilization, but an extremely fundamental resource necessary to utilize to the fullest extent possible for most effectively achieving one's goals. We have so much freedom that we take for granted. If you're like most people, you have so much freedom you don't even know what to do with yourself. You look at the message society tells you and end up mindlessly following it, feeling free but being trapped. Go to school. Get a job. Get a relationship. Get married. Have kids. Grow old. Die.
So many people think they've lived a good, long, fulfilling life, but if I'd lived their life, I'd feel like I wasted my life away desperately clinging onto the subjective belief that what I did with all of the freedom I had was worth it, when really all I did was piss it all away.
When one thinks of freedom, they may think of it in terms of physical limitations with their body, specifically in cases where they have significant limitations as in for example paralyzed or amputated limbs. However, it's usually thought of as lack of freedom being, in the most general sense, ending up in jail or prison.
With my writing of this book, with many assertions right down to the fundamental premise, one may be inclined to believe that ending up in jail or prison is of significant concern to me. To the typical mind, untrained of extensive and truly deep thought, me writing and releasing this book may be likened to something like a tier 1 quantum energy arts user performing very public displays of their abilities while simply accepting the severe risks and dangers that they'd then be exposing themselves to with their sensitive situation of having great power in a way, but also lacking the stability to reliably maintain their freedom if it were to become widely known that they're an exceptional individual with something to be greatly desired.
They may assume that in writing and releasing this book, I'm accepting a very significant and drastic reduction in my freedom, perhaps with the justification provided that I'm doing it to save humanity and I'm willing to essentially be a martyr for it. I can assure you that the situation is no such thing. I'm going to walk the streets and go about my life no differently and with not even the slightest bit of increased fear. I'm trying to imagine knowing someone with a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension and thinking they have no foresight and throw their emotions around instead of follow a calculated plan of action. Damn, I'd have to be a really huge idiot.
Even prison (which in case you're uninformed is actually what jail for serious criminals like murderers is) is actually a considerably suitable environment for me to train my abilities if I end up there, as I can simply request to be put into an isolation room for a few years straight, and just meditate using quantum energy harvesting techniques in there. After my abilities are sufficiently developed, I can simply use them to break out at any time, and easily get to anywhere I want to go with no vehicles of transportation necessary.
They'll even hand-deliver my food to me every single day. In a very real way, it's actually a lot more convenient of a way to prepare to end the world than the way I'd have to go about training my abilities in the free world; it'd save me the effort of finding a suitable isolated location, carrying a bunch of materials to it in several trips, building my shelter all by myself, and having to deal with constantly ensuring I have sufficient water and food to survive while I willingly stick myself in that small, dark, isolated room in the ground I'd have built for myself.
Ending up in prison would actually effectively reward me for acquiring and retaining my current position far more than I'd ever consider it any kind of punishment. At one point, it actually seemed so appealing to me in comparison to all the trouble I'd have to go through in order to achieve solid isolation in the free world that I was very seriously considering walking into a police station of my own free will and demanding I be put into an isolation cell in prison for a few years out of my own free will and desire, and telling them I'm going to go commit crimes and then turn myself in after to deserve that punishment if they wouldn't give it to me easily and willingly without me having to do so.
I have no problem accepting if I end up in prison for writing this book, or for any other reason for that matter; it'll just be the final straw that makes me decide to finally give up entirely on humanity and simply completely unapologetically progress full speed ahead towards destroying the world.
Now, you might be thinking, "You think they would let you be in an isolation room just because you asked?"
Why not? If they don't give it to me peacefully, I can always just break the rules constantly so they have to put me in there, to the point they'll end up realizing it's less of an immediate threat to them to just give me what I want and let me stay in there. Eventually, they'll come to the conclusion anyways that shorter periods of time in isolation aren't enough, and I'll need a longer period if there's any chance of it reforming my behavior. If I specifically want something that's considered a serious punishment, it's not very difficult to get it, especially if I'm willing to seek it out.
Besides, even if I do get arrested and end up in court facing charges, there's a pretty good chance that I won't end up in prison anyways, at least not on any initial charges I'd end up with. Even if cops want to get their hands on me and somehow succeed and it doesn't get them killed by Shadow Confederation members coming to rescue me, I'll most likely end up in a mental hospital, not prison. I wouldn't be charged with actually killing someone, so the charges wouldn't be nearly as serious as otherwise, and given the circumstances, the judge would probably rule that a mental hospital is a much more suitable place for me.
Someone who claims they'll become a global terrorist and single-handedly end the world would sound more to a judge like someone mentally ill than someone actually capable of achieving such a feat, especially after I respond to the inevitable question of how I plan to carry out my goal by telling them that I'm going to meditate using special techniques which will result in me developing supernatural abilities and becoming completely invincible, to the point that no kind of weaponry even used by the world's most advanced trained assassins would ever be able to kill me, within most likely only a couple years. The same societal belief that I'm crazy for acquiring and maintaining my position is the same belief that makes it easier for me to approach my goals, even when people want to strip as much freedom away from me as they possibly can for my position. The world works in a pretty wild way, huh?
I could always then just meditate in the mental hospital, or if it becomes unbearable due to lack of ability to achieve sufficient isolation, do some illegal shit in there, land myself in prison, then follow the course of action to end up in isolation one way or another in there. Not only is it a foolproof plan, it also comes with potentially even more pleasant circumstances than the ones still very sufficient to achieve my goals.
Do you really think I walk around with all this confidence for no good reason?
You might then be left with the thought, "It's pretty crazy you're putting so much shit about manipulating the system in writing that's so easy to use against you for tighter security against you."
Tighter security against me? I'm unstoppable. That's the reason I'm writing this book in the first place. I'm not sure if I should consider it more hilarious or depressing how people seriously think refined pure bidirectional apprehension as a core value is effectively insignificant in relation to very clearly distinguishing me from everyone else without it. My mentality isn't only unbreakable in theory; the understanding comes from the objectively quantifiable application of it within objective reality.
You might also have had the misfortune of facing your own considerable struggles, as many people have. You may have possibly also been abused, ended up homeless at some point in your life, played by someone you loved, lost someone you thought was your soulmate, or other such experiences that allow you to attempt to relate to the kind of torment I have to deal with on a daily basis. When considering those things, particularly if you've been part of those that have been unfortunate enough to face considerably significant struggles of such nature throughout your entire life, you may be left thinking poorly of me because you're not thinking and doing the kinds of drastic things I am as a result of your understandably disillusioned view of the world.
If that's the case, sure you've been through shit, and I can empathize with the fact that it was quite unfortunate for you, but even what you've been through isn't like what I've been through, and the end result of me ending up with all this power that there's no reason for me not to use, while you didn't end up in that position from the shit you went through, doesn't change. Not everyone comes out of an extremely fucked up life by being a Permanent Chief of the Shadow Confederation with a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension, and as a result, they don't all write books threatening to single-handedly destroy the world.
Everyone's different, as they say.
After all that, you may be left with the thought that I'm not insane so much as simply lacking coping skills, and that I'll eventually "come to my senses" and my position will change, making me feel like an idiot for writing this book. You know what I think about that? I think you're the one that needs to learn coping skills to deal with your clearly attacked ego that is passive aggressively displaying that you're clearly salty and jealous as fuck that you can't act the way I do and get away with it. It's something I'm used to coping with though.
The extent to which an individual is knowledgeable about subject matter relevant to their goals plays an undeniably great impact in their capacity to obtain those goals in many cases.
"Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm." - Winston Churchill
The challenge is knowing when you've failed, why you've failed, and being able to use that to prevent a loss of enthusiasm.
There are 2 reasons people get angry:
The key factor is the point that they can't seem to get over it; they are dwelling on it.
Why are they dwelling on it?
Because they want to.
In the end, one's emotions are caused by their desires. There may be a certain point of having anger which just happens as basically a chain reaction to an event. However, beyond that point, when the signs of anger are very apparent, they want to get angry, whether they are consciously aware of this or not. Having fear, anxiety, or rage is largely caused by a feeling that they actually do want or need these feelings. An inability to let go of the feelings and move on.
Skill and intelligence are not defined by what you can do, but rather what you actually end up doing. There is a fundamental difference between what you can do and what you do. The difference is that being able to do something is a belief held, not a fact; however, doing something is a fact. Skill and intelligence are only accurately gauged by facts, not beliefs. Therefore, if one is defined and judged by their skill and intelligence in life, then that means one is defined by their actions.
Logic is not flawed, words can simply be manipulated.
Words are an attempt to express emotions. Since they are only an attempt, albeit a good one, they are still not entirely capable of appropriately expressing any and all emotions.
Emotions come from 2 sources: Logic and Creativity
These things are very much intertwined, because creativity is built upon using logic, and logic is built upon using creativity.
You know why knowledge is power? Because any knowledge you have can work for or against you, and how you steer is your power.
The ultimate goal of acquiring knowledge (and subsequently gaining power) is to facilitate achieving what is known in psychology as the flow state.
Flow theory postulates three conditions that have to be met to achieve a flow state:
However, it was argued that the antecedent factors of flow are interrelated, as a perceived balance between challenges and skills requires that one knows what he or she has to do (clear goals) and how successful he or she is in doing it (immediate feedback). Thus, a perceived fit of skills and task demands can be identified as the central precondition of flow experiences.
Every person has 4 realities that shape their true personal reality:
The thoughts one has relevant to these 4 areas shapes how and what is perceived as real to that person. What they believe is right and wrong, what they do and don't want, and what they do and don't do are directly relevant to these 4 realities.
As one grows, their ability to control and manipulate these 4 realities is constantly changing, either to more control or less control. It can fluctuate greatly between various points in life, depending on a person's circumstances and how they manage to deal with them.
What you assume you are shapes what you make yourself to be.
There is no such thing as luck in this world. Rules, prerequisites, psychological states... There are any number of invisible factors that combine to produce an unpredictable but inevitable result. The victor of a game is decided before it even begins.
The world is chaotic, unreasonable, and unfair. It has no meaning at all. It is the wish of those who realize this, who refuse to accept it. A wish that the world would be at least a little interesting. That's what an urban legend is.
When life gives you lemons, use the seeds to grow some lemon trees and the next time life tries to give you lemons, throw the tree in its face.
All one's resources certainly give them power, however one's power can only potentially lead to additional resources.
All power comes at a price. The greater the power, the greater the price. The question is never if there really is a price, but if you'll be able to understand the full extent of the price and if you find it worth it to pay for the power.
I took a huge risk with my life, and because I was bold, fearless, and prepared, I ended up in a far better position than I otherwise would've ever been in. I have nobody to thank but myself.
After the first time I ended up homeless, it considerably eroded at my desire to live. I already hadn't been feeling great before it happened, but after I had to go through it even once, I really started to feel like there wasn't really any way I'd be able to make my life worth living. It was quite an experience to have gotten from that point to where I am now, being fully confident in being homeless, not only in how I carry myself and spend my time, but also the reason why I do what I do and live the way I live.
It all started with my search for a deeper truth and a more comprehensive understanding of reality.
Particularly in combination with my fondness of Twitch, it led me to find that a YouTuber I watched years in the past named Athene had become a streamer. Not only that, but he'd become a streamer that was having intellectual debates about topics covered in psychology and philosophy. He presented people with three steps to adopt logic as one's core value.
This was extremely intriguing to me as I felt that logic was already very distinctly what I valued the most within the context of my existence, however I also found that unlike the impact that having logic as a core value had on Athene in his life, it had only resulted in me becoming extremely miserable, depressed, livid, overwhelmed, confused, lost, and suicidal.
While Athene was considerably successful with a large following on Twitch, reasonably wealthy, visibly generally content, and had a wonderful girlfriend in a long-term relationship, I had no considerable success, was broke, never really felt anything I'd consider even close to content even on the rare occasion I was high as fuck on drugs, had only very recently escaped homelessness, and never had a girlfriend in my entire life.
As powerful as I knew it must be under the right circumstances, particularly given a decent amount of luck, I immediately knew there must be something much better than having logic as a core value and I vowed to absolutely obsess over deconstructing, evaluating, rationalizing, and adapting the very crude understanding of logic as a core value that I saw Athene was presenting into something entirely new that identified the most powerful core value ever possible and outlined how to achieve obtaining it.
I had no specific usage purpose in mind for this end result; I simply felt uncontrollably compelled, completely immersed in and drawn to this extremely deep level of understanding in order to be able to finally be able to logically and emotionally consolidate the extremely high amount of cognitive dissonance that the entire situation was perpetually inflicting upon me.
I struggled with a back and forth with Athene for a couple months. I found that while Athene clearly had a pretty solid grasp on what he was preaching, he also was quite a bully. He held "debates" with people, but they were far more often a clown fiesta than a debate. He'd basically shit on someone pretty quickly and then kick them out of voice chat once he was done clowning on them. It was agitating to see.
There was also very clearly something that didn't add up in it all to me. I could see where the process was coming from, but it certainly didn't seem very clearly thought through nor complete. It was quite obvious to me that Athene was much more concerned with impressing people with the way he presented himself and his connection to being logical rather than actually intrinsically having deep love and respect for logic.
I was quite clearly able to identify points that Athene was lacking to properly consider and address. He started realizing he couldn't even handle me and ended up removing messages I'd post in his subreddit and banning me from his Twitch chat. The only time he had a "debate" with me on stream, he clowned me and made a mockery of my knowledge, while I was seeking an actual debate.
What made it worse was that he knew I was equipped to actually have rational discourse. He had one of his underlings screen me and ask me several questions about the angle I was approaching the debate with him from before they even let me speak to him. He knew I'd be a challenge, and instead of actually attempting to seek truth and mutual growth, he only cared about his image and his ego (which he claimed not to have).
The way I saw him treating other people, me, and logic in general made me lose a lot of respect for him. I used to think he was a really funny and entertaining guy, but he'd become an egotistical bully that thought he was amazing because he'd donated some large portion of money to charity. What he was doing made me sick. I realized that with the extent of critical thinking abilities I had, I should be able to make my own much more comprehensive system of philosophy and my own set of steps to achieve an elevated core value, particularly one even more powerful than what Athene was preaching.
After much back and forth and realizing I wasn't going to get anywhere positive with Athene, I looked within. I spent entire days doing nothing but deep reflection on my life and everything that had led me to understand life in ways that allowed me to crush even Athene's considerable intellect that quite easily absolutely destroyed the vast majority of his viewers.
The end result was the understanding of initially the concept of bidirectional apprehension and eventually the variation in core values within the bracket and the ultimate understanding of refined pure bidirectional apprehension being the strongest core value one could ever possibly possess. I recognized that what Athene was actually preaching was transforming a backwards-rationalized apprehension based core value into a forewards-rationalized apprehension based one, and this switch was what he referred to as the "click" that people would experience when being successful in following his steps.
With the deeper understanding of the core value heirarchy, it becomes very obvious why so many people "unclicked" when following Athene. While one's core value downgrading from a bidirectional apprehension variant is quite unlikely, the strength difference between a backwards-rationalized and forwards-rationalized core value is practically marginal in comparison. It's also quite easy to revert to a backwards-rationalized core value from a forwards-rationalized one. The people that didn't "unclick" had likely managed to adopt a bidirectional apprehension variant, but Athene didn't understand what was really going on, how to describe it, or how to reliably reproduce it.
I took everything I figured out and put it together onto a website.
Before long, I noticed I was getting hits from multiple IP addresses and I was quite confused where these hits were coming from because I wasn't advertising this website and there wasn't really any way to randomly find it; I'd made it and was hosting it on a server but wasn't sure exactly what I was going to do with it.
This got me thinking. I ended up contemplating on the idea of the Illuminati, the secret underground group that supposedly controlled the world. When I looked at the kind of knowledge I had, it just made sense to me that I wasn't possibly the only one that had a deeper understanding of reality than Athene, and I also knew that whoever did, they must be powerful.
I'd only just started really figuring things out and I was noticing a drastic change in myself. I felt a lot more confident. I was able to think a lot more clearly. A lot of my ambient anxiety had faded and it was only fading more as time passed. I felt like a different person. I could only imagine how empowering this kind of mental shift would be over a prolonged period of time.
Since what I knew clearly wasn't common knowledge, I realized I was now special. I also realized that I'd figured it all out myself which meant I didn't owe loyalty or respect to anyone for what I knew.
I looked at my life and even with what I'd recently discovered, I didn't really feel like I had much to live for.
I decided I was going to change my website to be an Illuminati website, simply sharing the information because I could and I felt like it and I didn't care about the repercussions. After the kinds of things I'd had to deal with on the streets, I was already ready to die, so I really didn't care.
"Fuck it, what's the worst that could happen?" I told myself.
I don't remember exactly how long it took, but shit happened.
I've always liked the night time atmosphere. I'd go for walks in the middle of the night to clear my head. I didn't live in a particularly dangerous area or anything, and I was always of a bigger build, plus I'd carry a knife with me and didn't even carry expensive stuff worth stealing, so I wasn't scared about getting jumped. One night, I took a walk like I often did.
There weren't really any cars on the road. I heard and saw one car coming in the distance. I didn't think anything of it at first.
As it got closer, I heard it slow down. I looked to the side as I kept walking and a black car pulled up on the side of the road beside the sidewalk I was on. Four people immediately got out, one from each door. They all had dark clothing on.
"You! Stop! Now!" one said, not quite yelling but not exactly calmly either. All four of them were walking quickly towards me.
"What do you want?" I said fearlessly. I was definitely unsettled and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't at all afraid, but as I said earlier, I was ready to die already.
"Shadow Confederation. We've seen your website," another told me as they all approached and stood in front of me.
"Okay... and? What do you want?" I responded. I was curious as to what was going on. Were these people for real?
"Who showed you the black book?" the same man asked me.
"Black book? I don't know anything about that," I responded. I was confused.
"How did you acquire the knowledge you have? Who told you these things?" another man asked me.
"Nobody told me. I figured it out myself. I've been through some shit in my life and I think a lot. I've been ready to die for a while now already and I'm fucking sick of life, so if you're going to kill me, just do it already you fuckers," I snapped at them. I couldn't really see another reason they were approaching me.
"We didn't come here for that," the first man told me, "Although we are armed if you plan to get violent."
All four of them pulled their jackets to the side to reveal guns in their belts.
"Chill. I ain't attacking you. I don't know anything about any black book. That's all I can say about that. Do you want anything else from me or can I go back to walking now?" I said calmly. I wasn't planning to attack them even if they didn't have guns; I've never been inclined to violence and they weren't even being overly intimidating.
They shared some information with me. I'm not going to say exactly what I learned but just know that I was convinced they weren't pranking me. In the end, they basically just told me to be careful with what I share online or with other people and they'd leave me alone. I explained to them how I'd learned and posted the information for personal growth and with no hidden agenda in mind, and they seemed to understand after I explained my life to them some more. Some things they already knew about, several others they didn't. In the end, we seemed to understand each other and they left.
Long story short, I'd become a Permanent Chief of the Shadow Confederation.
I finished my walk and headed home. I didn't even have trouble sleeping that night.
After that experience, I happened to come across other members. I learned that one of my relatives was actually in it, and he actually offered to let me read the black book, but I wasn't interested and he didn't push it. I also met some members online and had some deep talks with them. It was sort of cool the first couple times, but then it just became kind of matter-of-fact and pretty whatever.
Anyways, the point is that even the world's most powerful people won't stop me if I choose to single-handedly destroy the world.
I took it upon myself to have the initiative to assert my place within the Shadow Confederation, before I even knew that was what it was really called. Back then, I just knew it was the Illuminati, this secret underground crazy thing with people that would scare the shit out of most normal people. After I asserted my position as such, however, I was eventually contacted by other members, and my position remained strong still.
The ones I've interacted with were all shocked at my position, and by the time I was done demonstrating myself to them, they seemed almost uncertain how to even deal with me. I was really scared about what might happen initially to be completely honest, but after my experiences asserting my position, I actually find it quite amusing any time I come across another member. These people end up giving me more respect than any normal person ever does.
I never asked for any compensation for joining. I never asked for any favors from any of the members I've interacted with. I've become a part of the Shadow Confederation, but I've received no benefits from anyone other than myself, which I would've had with or without being a shadow. I wouldn't say I regret asserting my position inside of it though; it's not like I lost anything as far as I'm concerned.
I was already too weird and "crazy" for anyone normal to handle; I might as well be able to assert confidently that they should be scared of me for a very objectively clear reason. Besides, it was interesting meeting other members; I came to better realize and understand just how powerful I really am, even only relying on myself.
It's been quite liberating.
During a robbery, the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank:
"Don't move. The money belongs to the State. Your life belongs to you."
Everyone in the bank laid down quietly. This is called "Mind Changing Concept".
Changing the conventional way of thinking.
When a lady lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her:
"Please be civilized! This is a robbery and not a rape!"
This is called "Being Professional".
Focus only on what you are trained to do!
When the bank robbers returned home, the younger robber (MBA-trained) told the older robber (who has only completed Year 6 in primary school):
"Big brother, let's count how much we got."
The older robber rebutted and said:
"You are very stupid. There is so much money it will take us a long time to count. Tonight, the TV news will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!"
This is called "Experience".
Nowadays, experience is more important than paper qualifications!
After the robbers had left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly. But the supervisor said to him:
"Wait! Let us take out $10 million from the bank for ourselves and add it to the $70 million that we have previously embezzled from the bank."
This is called "Swim with the tide".
Converting an unfavourable situation to your advantage!
The supervisor says:
"It will be good if there is a robbery every month."
This is called "Killing Boredom".
Personal Happiness is more important than your job.
The next day, the TV news reported that $100 million was taken from the bank. The robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only count $20 million. The robbers were very angry and complained:
"We risked our lives and only took $20 million. The bank manager took $80 million with a snap of his fingers. It looks like it is better to be educated than to be a thief!"
This is called "Knowledge is worth as much as gold!"
The bank manager was smiling and happy because his losses in the share market are now covered by this robbery.
This is called "Seizing the opportunity".
Daring to take risks!
So who are the real robbers here?
We all desire different things in life. Many will argue that as human beings, we all fundamentally desire the same things. Then they may proceed to list things such as love, trust, acceptance, belonging, comfort, safety, wealth, success, happiness... The list goes on, but these kinds of things are usually stated.
I have a big problem with this interpretation of desire.
To any remotely intellectual person, it should not be a matter of question in the slightest to understand the idea that each and every of the aforementioned concepts, these supposed universal desires, are actually open to subjective interpretation as to what exactly entails acquisition of said attribute.
The problem then becomes quite obvious, at least to me. If the things that supposedly are universally desired among all people are actually much more so concepts that are considerably open to interpretation, what meaning does it then have to say that all people desire the same fundamental things, when their own subjective definition of said things can drastically vary from person to person?
Upon complete understanding of this line of thinking, we can then draw the conclusion that in reality, nobody wants the same thing at all.
I'm the type that has a strong dislike of and resistance to participation in anything seemingly futile in any form. There has only ever been one exception to this, and that is the pursuit of the woman of my dreams. As futile as it seemed every step of the way, I knew how much it meant to me and that I could never forgive myself if I didn't try my absolute best despite all the odds, so I put aside my reservations and followed my heart, as it is said one should in the pursuit of true love.
For anything else in life, pursuit in the face of futility is something I find unacceptable from myself. For this to be so important to me that I abandoned that principal and gave this everything I've got, if nothing else it should show how much it really means to me.
It should be understood that there is a very real and significant difference between an effort seemingly futile and one deemed futile by others. In understanding of futility of subject matter, one must appropriately consider both any possible subjective bias they may hold themselves, as well as, depending on the extent to which they may hold active ego, possibly even more so the extent to which subjective bias is relevant in the opinions and actions of others as it relates to any subject matter.
Particularly in situations where there's decision-making necessitated that involves a heavy influence on subjective interpretation of pertinent knowledge and/or experiences, or in situations where one is far more knowledgeable and/or experienced in an area than anyone they're getting feedback from in general, it's especially important to consider the extent to which others are incompetent to be able to give feedback based upon reasonably sufficient foundation, which means that using one's own judgement should be much more heavily relied on than any outside feedback.
In the context of writing this book and my goals, demands, and vision, it's overwhelmingly clear to me that I'm the only person truly qualified to be writing such a book, therefore the weight of my perspective on everything that goes into this book is of vastly greater significance than anything anyone else thinks. The vast majority of people couldn't even imagine the reality of being a Permanent Chief of the Shadow Confederation, particularly through the extremely unique pure and wholesome route that I achieved it.
To ignore or even downplay the immense significance of this fact would break down my mental processes to such a great extent that I'd be rendered incapable of both writing this book and even really functioning properly in my life in general. It's through my very thorough understanding that writing this book is the least futile effort that I could be putting towards seeking and attempting to achieve positive prospects for the world that empowers me to complete it and release it with complete confidence and knowing I have no regrets regardless of the outcome.
Anything great is always going to have some level of fear involved in doing it, but it's overcoming that fear and doing it anyways that separates the people that achieve great things from the mediocre ones.
In more difficult situations, both doing and not doing something may carry significant fear. In that case, the action where one is overcoming the greater fear results in greatness.
This understanding alone will likely lead one into a thought loop wherein they attempt to rationalize that doing something results in taking the action overcoming the greater fear, however that results in an understanding that they were actually more afraid of not doing said thing, meaning they made the decision leading to lesser or no greatness, and vice versa.
The understanding that resolves this thought loop is that action, and not inaction, is the fundamental source of greatness. With that in mind, one may attempt to rationalize that not doing something is still a form of action, however the distinguishing property becomes one's current state of greatness and the overall resulting greatness of action versus inaction. In this highly technical view with deep understanding, one must carefully consider value trade-offs of each option.
Consider a generic situation with difficult choices where both distinct action, as well as what can be considered action via the action of not taking the aforementioned action, carry considerable fear. One needs to consider the value trade-off by using current greatness as the reference frame, evaluating probabilities in either scenario. By taking the aforementioned action, is there a greater increase in value than not taking it? Is there a need to take the action that adds value to the extent that not taking said action results in value loss by way of not fulfilling that need? If so, one must recognize that the rationalizing they're doing not to take said action is simply a result of their subconscious greater fear of taking it.
This is the greatness action effect model.
The understanding of the greatness action effect model can be used to demonstrate why I'm writing this book and also why I'm going to destroy the world if I don't get the proper relationship with Kimi that I've been constantly tearing myself apart to achieve for the past three years.
I'm currently in a situation wherein I've put immense effort into achieving the maximum potential of my personal greatness, yet am being perpetually immensely disrespected and under/unappreciated by everyone I feel close to in my life, and as a result receiving a complete lack of results of any deeply satisfying significance to me.
The result is that the only remaining value I can objectively reasonably derive from all my acquired resources is to thoroughly strip all even remotely significant value from the lives of everyone I've gotten so close to in my life, along with eventually every person in the entire world, to achieve any degree of significant and satisfying retribution, even if it results in complete destruction of everything including eventually my own life.
This is because otherwise, my life has already had all significant meaning permanently and perpetually stripped away from it due to my existing circumstances and the direction they'd be heading, which will result in such severe depression that I'll end up simply committing suicide randomly one day after constantly heavily struggling with massively being fake for whatever period of time, which is absolutely unacceptable to me given how clearly I can see it happening and how competent I am to prevent such a pathetic fate for myself.
People tell me I should just work on myself and find another girl. Livid doesn't even seem to scratch the surface of how I feel about that. You can overcome insane obstacles and struggles, work on yourself extensively constantly throughout your entire life since childhood, try so fucking hard and put everything you've got of your heart and soul into everything you do, have so much to offer the world, and yet have immense trouble getting noticed properly and treated with dignity. This is the kind of fucking shitty world we live in.
This isn't anger that's directed at one or two people, it's very far-reaching.
I'm a Permanent Chief of the Shadow Confederation, not through connections or evil deeds, but through simply commanding so much knowledge and power that I've been deemed worthy of the position. I'm a master of philopsychology, a deeply hidden field that isn't taught by any schools most people would've ever heard of, and was never understood nearly as comprehensively as I've presented it, until I came along. I'm an individual with a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension, a concept that most are left scatterbrained at merely the mention of. I'm a tier 3 quantum energy arts user, an art so deep and great that most want to instantly dismiss me as delusional for even mentioning it because it's simply too much for their fragile egos to bare to acknowledge the existence of.
On top of these more insane feats, I'm also a professional computer scientist and software engineer, skills I started developing at 10 years old. I have several years of experience as a game developer in the past few years that I've dived into it deeply as well. What do all these people telling me to work on myself have to say about themselves? So I'm the crazy one for being upset now huh?
Well guess what, this was never up for debate.
I've spent the past three years being so patient and loving to the one person that has ever made me feel truly loved, the only person that can ever make me feel this way, despite knowing the whole time that it'd be very difficult to get to actually be with her, and having to live with the fact that it's just how life is.
I've went through so much pain, worked so hard to passionately pursue my goals and dreams in an extremely driven way, and how is society rewarding me? Laughing at me and mercilessly trying to inflict more pain. I don't enjoy being hurt, and I never have any intention of living my life in any way accepting pain as if I do or ever will. This is a very significant reason why I'm so upset. I feel like some people end up thinking I actually enjoy being hurt, and that causes it's own problems. I especially don't want Kimi to start thinking that, because then I know there'd truly be no chance we could ever work, and everything's definitely fucked at that point anyways.
Despite my insane potential to be a terrible person and so many factors that constantly call to me to be one, I'm not a criminal nor a degenerate at all. There are many that would laugh at me for finding it to be an achievement merely not being a degenerate, but what they don't understand is that they wouldn't have the same perspective if they didn't live a life where they were fortunate enough that it wasn't terribly difficult for them not to become a massive criminal.
Most people have to work very hard to get massive power in bad circles in order to have the potential to be a massive criminal. I have the opportunity handed to me if I ever wish to take it, while my whole life I was trying to avoid it as much as possible.
Imagine that your whole life you've been a good person and play your part in society to try to make a positive impact. Now imagine that someone comes up to you one day and tells you that you could rob a bank and get away with millions and never get caught because you have all this power you didn't even know you have and the system wouldn't dare touch you knowing what you're capable of. Imagine that this person had the facilities to prove to you that they're not lying to you and they're not telling you this for any gain on their own part, simply letting you know of potential you have to be a degenerate and untouchable, if you so choose.
Imagine that they tell you this opportunity is always open for you at any time. Imagine they also tell you about several other things you could do that would make you a massive degenerate but would benefit you personally a lot if you choose not to care. You have no family nor friends you know you can rely on, you don't like people in general because you've been treated like trash by almost everyone you've ever dealt with, and you're just getting by decently. It takes every bit of integrity you have constantly not to just start saying fuck the world I'm becoming ice cold and that's it.
Welcome to my life.
I'm not the crazy one. Life is crazy and that's a fact. You're the crazy one if you can't see that clearly. I didn't get here by being willing to settle for mediocrity. I didn't get here by being a thirsty fuck. I didn't get here by not working on myself. I didn't get here by being a shitty person. All I do day and night is set high standards and work on myself to achieve them, yet everyone just wants to keep telling me I'll never be enough and that I just need to keep going this way and keep desperately hoping for things to get better. No. I don't. I really fucking don't.
So many people have shit to say and very few actually try to put themselves in my shoes. They treat me like someone without an insane amount of power. Someone who hasn't overcome immense struggles most of them couldn't even imagine. Someone with little to no drive and potential for greatness. Someone who isn't a very loving, caring, and sensitive person inside. Someone who doesn't always actively try their hardest to look at life from a very mature angle and act accordingly.
Then they question why I'm upset, as if I'm some spoiled and stupid child that doesn't understand life at all and needs to be put in their place. They question why I'm suicidal and lashing out so much at everyone. They question why I want to end the world I can only be left seeing as pure shit and nothing else. They don't stop to ask who the fuck in my position wouldn't. They don't really give a flying fuck. Well, if they don't, what the fuck makes them think I will? What's even left to give a fuck about?
I'm not upset because I'm under some kind of impression that Kimi's trying to manipulate my view of reality and bring down my self-esteem or inhibit my potential somehow, and certainly not because I'm immature and not even aware of reality to the extent to recognize such things in general. I'm not upset because I'm trying to impress her and it doesn't seem to be working. I'm not upset simply because I'm under the impression she wants me to be. I'm not upset for any other stupid reasons.
I'm upset because I know that no matter what anyone thinks, says, or does, the reality that I'll never be anything close to happy without being with Kimi forever will always remain. I'm upset because I should be. Because the love of my life that holds the fate of the world in her hands may not even really give a shit about me and I need to show her the reality of the dark and unfortunate path she's heading towards if she wants to close her heart off to me.
It's a pretty good reason to be upset as far as reasons go.
I don't say I don't care what anyone thinks or says out of some immature and petty emotional reactivity, but because I'm fully aware and accepting of the fact that the only thing that really matters is not only how it makes me feel, but most importantly, what I'm going to do about it. In this case, upset can't even begin to truly describe how never getting to be with Kimi would make me feel, and there is a hell of a lot I can and will do about it.
If I don't get the proper loving relationship with Kimi that I've worked so hard towards for so long and so clearly deserve, then it seems that I've come to learn in the hardest way possible that the more you try to impress and satisfy people, and the more people you try to achieve that with, the more you'll actually never be enough and the more alone and unappreciated you'll feel; the more you give, the more people want, and the better you are at giving, the more ruthlessly people will expect to be able to continue to take. While that's certainly not the case for every little thing in life, especially when one tries to put things into context and looks at situations on an individual basis, it'd certainly be the case for anything significant in my life when I look at it from a far-reaching perspective.
The truth is that unless I wish to simply rot and end up committing suicide from depression and apathy towards existence, I must develop either a positive or negative view towards all the things that have happened to me in my life and the circumstances I'm currently dealing with, then proceed to form intentions to act upon desires that result from that view. If you wish I'd kill myself, it's your prerogative to wish so, however I personally don't want that for myself, so I'm choosing to care about my life.
When I think about looking positively at all the pain, suffering, and negative events and circumstances that I've had to endure in my life, that just makes me want to kill myself even more quickly than becoming apathetic and just becoming a drug addict and ending up overdosing and killing myself does, so since the whole reason I'm choosing to care about my life in the first place is because I don't want to end up killing myself, looking at things with that perspective very quickly becomes completely nonviable.
That only leaves looking at it all from a negative perspective, making me an extremely hurt and severely disrespected individual that should cease to refrain from exercising utilizing my power in a more bold and empowering way. Seriously threatening to single-handedly destroy the entire world the way that I am in writing this book has completely clearly become by far my best option to do so.
It's not about a value gained from destruction, although if it came to that scenario the gain would be emotional equilibrium for myself, but it's more about maintaining a mutually assured destruction policy. The world is being extremely destructive to me, so I'm giving it a final warning before I become extremely destructive back. If it stops, I refrain. If not, we'll destroy each other.
Do you know how governments protect themselves from getting nuked? They promise other countries that if they detect they're getting nuked by a country, they'll nuke that country back and assure neither country survives. The willingness to be destructive in response to a severely destructive undesirable outcome from external forces serves to deter them from those undesirable courses of action.
I can clearly see that continuing to let the world step all over me by not exercising the use of my power is only going to result in it perpetually continuing to do so until I commit suicide, so I'm threatening to destroy it all in return to attempt to prevent it from driving me to kill myself to the point that I actually end up doing so.
To all the people that wish I'd kill myself, and especially to those that have already told me to do so or plan to tell me to do so in the future, fuck you, you pretentious twat, you go kill yourself.
As I mentioned earlier, because of my firmly established negative appreciation (or hatred) towards all the painful and negative experiences I've had to endure throughout my life and that I continue to endure to this day, when combined with my power and capabilities, I'd never simply kill myself; deciding I want to kill myself means I'd wreak havoc on this world and destroy everything else first.
Wanting me to kill myself is equivalent to wanting to kill yourself. That's the truth.
I've been communicating with Kimi constantly ever since getting out of jail, and it's gotten to the point that I've been sharing messages with several of her friends and even her manager as well. I've been doing this so it's known that I've done everything I could to make it as clear as possible that my tender, affectionate, loving feelings and intentions towards Kimi are sincere. I was never trying to catch anyone by surprise in any of the progressions I made while making my best attempt to head towards an official relationship with Kimi, and if anyone tries denying they knew what was going on and push comes to shove, I have all the proof I need to show that I was always trying to avoid having to cause any problems and really prefer the most smooth and peaceful resolution here, in the only way a resolution could actually be reached; with me and Kimi ending up together.
I've already told Kimi that I know she has commitment issues, and it seems she's at least aware of that enough to even admit it in public on stream. It needs to be understood that it's not an excuse here. It allows me to more easily understand why she's acted as she has up to now, but it doesn't excuse her if she's trying to ultimately avoid the consequences of the path we've both chosen to go down with each other. If she won't be with me, she doesn't only have commitment issues, she must be seriously delusionally positive about the outcome of her going down that path, and she must have serious mental health issues that she ultimately refuses to acknowledge and start dealing with properly and fixing.
I expect Kimi to never contact me if she doesn't fully intend to immediately start pursuing a serious romantic relationship with me. If she contacts me with any other intent, I'll become completely unresponsive and uncooperative as soon as it becomes clear, until and unless she eventually does start truly pursuing a serious romantic relationship with me. Since my primary focus in communicating with her would be to clearly establish the beginning of a serious romantic relationship and I'll be very straightforward about it, Kimi's intentions in talking to me should become obvious quite quickly. After everything I've had to go through, I have no desire to talk to her if she's just going to fuck around and continue to deny me of what I want and need if I'm not to end the world in the future.
I'm working so hard to earn respect and credibility with this book, but the fundamental premise of writing it involves my unwavering desire and intent to literally destroy the world if I don't get the only woman I can ever truly consider the love of my life and the absolutely perfectly voluptuous goddess of my wildest fantasies, the only reason I find any true meaning in continuing to at all care about being loving and constructive in this life among all the hatred and suffering I've had to endure being inflicted upon me.
This isn't a position one can hold with simply moderate conviction, especially if they want to truly deserve any significant degree of respect.
No matter how much respect I may receive for all the depth and intellectual and emotional content in this book, which should be a considerable amount by anyone with reasonable intellectual capacity, much, if not most or even possibly all of that is going to go down the drain if I threaten to end the world if I don't get a certain woman, and then I don't get her and I don't follow through on what I said. Not only would everyone start doubting and questioning the true extent of my capabilities far more than they already do and most likely still will even after reading this entire book, I'd definitely become an absolute laughing stock for having such terrible awareness of love and taste in emotional connections with women.
People already mock both my connection with Kimi as well as my claims and abilities, and that's certainly only going to get much worse in that case.
It doesn't matter how exactly Kimi reacts if she won't be with me, whether she's terribly sorry, laughing her ass off, or largely neutral and indifferent, and whether or not she tries at all in any other ways to compensate me for the resulting perpetual severe suffering I'd have to deal with; the outcome that I lose respect and credibility if I don't follow through remains all the same. Nobody will ever take me seriously enough, nor should they even if they want to, if I hold such strong convictions, get denied by someone in no position to deny me, and I don't put her in her place as I promised for being so disrespectful, along with putting everyone else in their place for supporting such disrespect, demonstrating massive disrespect themselves as a result. Not only that, but if I don't follow through, I wouldn't even be able to respect myself either.
With releasing this book, I put my future and the future of the world in Kimi's hands.
The respect I have for Kimi is respect that I want to give her and personally will always believe she deserves, no matter what anyone might say or think. I've already had several people insult both me as well as Kimi, telling me that Kimi's just a stupid hoe and that there are plenty of much better women out there that are much more deserving of my love and will treat me with more respect; that's complete bullshit.
When I was nothing, the whole time before I wrote this book, it was only Kimi who chose to give me any serious degree of love and affection at all. This whole time, she's been very consistent with continuing to have feelings towards me, even if it wasn't nearly as warm as I would've liked.
Given the situation, I can still try to understand. It's been complicated and she's been worried I don't really love her, the same way I've been worried she doesn't really love me. I've already told her that I can truly forgive her for everything if we end up together. Even Kimi herself doesn't think she deserves so much love from me and I've had to fight with her about it. She's really cute sometimes.
She made it very obvious to me, from before I ever once told her I love her, that she's no stranger to one night stands. If that was something I ever really cared about, I would've never pursued her. As long as she treats me right if we're actually in an official romantic relationship, I don't care how many people she's had fun with in the past, and in fact I'm happy she had her fun and experiences and got her curiosity for it out of her system. Her openness and consistency with continuing to be affectionate towards me demonstrates far more respect towards me than any other potential romantic partner can ever show me in the future as far as I'm concerned.
Anyone else that may try pursuing me in the future, especially people I knew already that didn't really give me any attention until later, would be the real hoes.
Nobody can ever make me feel so loved, wanted, and special like Kimi does.
Nobody.
I've heard that according to a study, if you get your heart broken by the first person you ever fall in love with, you're 83% likely to keep having it broken again and again.
I'm not sure which study, and maybe there isn't even actually such a study, but the foundation of the statement seems quite sound. If how your romantic relationships tend to be follows a similar pattern, it makes sense to believe the pattern will continue unless you grow and change considerably. If you grow and change considerably and even still your relationships follow the same pattern, then you're only left able to believe that how you fundamentally feel and express love may simply not be compatible with ever having a lasting relationship.
You know what my first love, Kathy, did to me?
I was madly in love with her and I gave her attention for 4 years, she went out of her way to lead me on the whole time and leave me convinced I should keep trying to pursue her and show her affection, getting her a lot of attention from many, and in the end, I never had anything remotely close to a relationship with her. I never even kissed her. I never even held her fucking hand. How she'd dealt with our connection left me even more alienated from others than I already was from being super socially awkward and lacking confidence as a child, and in the end, I'd went through so much pain and put so much effort and it wasn't even remotely worth it.
I'd think about her every day a lot.
The last time I ever spoke to her, many years ago, she casually laughed off my feelings and was all "haha, we're all cool though, right?"
I hadn't tried nearly as hard for her as I've tried for Kimi, so although I felt really fucked up, I accepted there must be better for me and just tried reasoning with myself that I hadn't tried hard enough so I didn't deserve her.
However, my heart grew very cold. I already had so much trouble trusting people because of all the abuse I've had to go through as a child, and a girl so casually tossing my long-term intense feelings in the garbage like a joke she had fun with left me feeling like I'd really never be able to love a girl again.
When I looked at Chloe, the one time years after Kathy that I fell in love with a girl, I saw that the same kind of thing had happened, the exact details were just different. I'd changed from elementary to high school for sure, but it clearly wasn't enough to break the cycle. I knew there certainly was more room for me to grow and mature mentally, so I remained hopeful.
When I became a Permanent Chief of the Shadow Confederation and realized I really could single-handedly destroy the world, I thought it was my fate to do so. I reached what I knew was the pinnacle of fundamental psychological development, but I was left in a situation seemingly more difficult than ever to try to reach for a relationship from.
I knew I needed a woman I could really trust and feel deep love with, but I felt it'd be impossible to find such a person. I knew I wasn't going to find them in a bar or club or something similar, I had no friends to introduce me to girls (not that I found that all that great of a way to meet a girl in the first place), and I wasn't gonna go randomly talk to girls on the streets, because I knew what I was looking for was a very specific kind of girl and taking massive shots in the dark like that was going to be extremely hit or miss, with a very high miss rate, even if the girl didn't straight up reject me, plus it'd take way too much time out of my career development plans to be a viable part of my lifestyle. On the other hand, I'd never be able to properly form a relationship with trust with a woman I found valuable if I just focused on my career and becoming extremely successful first, since my position would make it very difficult for me to trust any woman that would express attraction towards me was doing so sincerely.
I really felt fucked up and more and more depressed every day. I wondered if I'd just end up killing myself to make the pain go away at a time when I thought it never would. Going on Twitch and randomly fucking around with girls was something I did to try to comfort myself a little at a time I felt very low and figured I'd end up either killing myself or in isolation for sure sooner or later.
And then I found Kimi.
When I first saw her, her beauty and charisma immediately stood out to me so much that I didn't even feel confident enough to say anything to her. I said a few things to her on Jaime's stream the very first time I ever actually interacted with her, and I felt this intense chemistry I'd never felt with someone. Still, at that point, I felt she was so pretty and popular and lived at such a distance that I had no confidence to continue even talking to her, especially since I felt like I had to try to figure my life out somehow first. I never forgot how she made me feel, and I knew I wanted to talk to her again. It took becoming a Permanent Chief of the Shadow Confederation with a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension before I even felt confident enough to say more than a few words to her, but once I started, it was a lot more than a few words I said.
How I've felt every time has always been so special.
When I first saw her in person, we locked eyes instantly, she walked right up to me first among everyone else in that meetup, and she looked at me with a wonderful smile and told me, "You're a new face, I haven't seen you before!" and hugged me very warmly... It was so much warmer than I ever thought she'd be to me. I knew how I felt then was a way nobody else would ever be able to make me feel.
I told Kimi she was the one for me in one of the very first conversations I had with her in DMs. I already told her I'd never forget her the very first time I met her, and she said it to me too, and not only that, but she said it to me FIRST.
I've reached the point now where I'm literally ready to marry her right now if I could. I've invested my entire life, and the fucking fate of humanity, into my relationship with her. I've written a huge book for her, and even have more recently taken the time to clean it up and make it much more impressive, intense, and clear than it originally was. She hasn't even talked to me, and I'm giving her all the love I can give her constantly, ready to give even more without hesitation if she does.
I've always had way more chemistry with Kimi than anyone else in her life ever did. People just don't see it because Kimi hides it, probably because she feels really guilty about treating me how she does despite all her warm feelings towards me.
If I don't get Kimi, what I would've experienced with her would be a much more brutal version of what happened to me with my first love. Knowing this is scientifically 83% likely to continue in one way or another is extremely disturbing to me. Actually so disturbing that I wouldn't even remotely consider trying ever again if things with Kimi don't work. I'm not just saying that, and I really hope I won't have to show it.
Even if the 83% statistic is inaccurate or even straight up made up, the foundation to believe it is so strong that I'd believe it's much more than 83% likely I'd never be able to have a lasting relationship. The consistent pattern I've experienced in the past regarding women I've been romantically interested in continuing and even escalating to the most brutal extent, even despite (and perhaps one may even argue because of) me reaching the pinnacle of my psychological development, would be the clearest indicator I could ever be given that there's no way I'll ever be able to have a proper romantic relationship with anyone, no matter how badly I want it or how much I try to make it work and deserve it.
I don't just think Kimi's the one for me, I know it. Even if she doesn't feel how I think she does, I know I feel this way about her and it's never changing. I don't care what anyone says or does or what happens to me in my life ever, this is a conviction I'll hold with absolute certainty to my death. Even if she doubts our connection at first, I know I can add so much value to her life that she'll feel very warm to me no matter what sooner or later; I don't think it'll be later anyways, given how epic I know our relationship would be from day one if it was official.
Do you even understand how great a relationship with me would be for Kimi?
She'd gain way more popularity than she could ever get from being with someone else. If I start dating Kimi, I'll get so much attention for her with my book and personality that people from all kinds of different communities, even from out of Twitch, will discover her, and she'll grow much more than she ever would dating someone else. Not already having a considerable following doesn't even matter when I'm such a fucking savage I wrote a huge book that asserts I'm one of a few of the most powerful people in the world and proves it with even going so far as to have started a global pandemic because Kimi initially pushed me away. The initial attention from me and Kimi starting to officially date would catapult both of us into a much larger level of fame very quickly.
Kimi definitely wants that.
Professional aspects aside, she knows how attentive, sensitive, caring, loving, understanding, and passionate I'd be with her on a personal level too. I'd really make her feel like the queen of the world and the queen of my world. She'd never question it. She'd never want to question it.
No matter what she may have told anyone else, she's not stupid, she knows this is how things are, and she wants it badly. This is what I genuinely believe.
If I don't get Kimi, any fame I would even get would fucking suck.
People would consider me a snake for using Kimi for attention, and even more of one for accepting fame and other rewards without her despite saying I wouldn't, going so far as to use a pandemic to validate that attention. Discord would hate me even more. Twitch would hate me even more. Twitter would hate me even more. The police would have no reason to believe my life is much better off if they just drop the charges or go very easy on the sentence. Everyone as a whole would hate me and the vast majority of the attention I'd get would be very negative.
Even if these things somehow didn't end up being true or as severe as I imagine they'd be, which is already extremely unlikely, whatever positive attention I get, I wouldn't care for it because I'd be so depressed, livid, devastated, heartbroken, and filled with hatred and despair that I wouldn't give any fucks to want to talk to anyone unless it's to hurt people before going into complete isolation to prepare to destroy the world.
I already know that the most valuable thing in the world to me will always be having a very deep, meaningful, loving, healthy romantic relationship and eventually marriage with a woman I love very deeply and want to spend my life with. If I ever learned this was unattainable for me, even if I already had a bunch of money and fame at that point, it'd all instantly become completely meaningless that very moment. Knowing that it's unattainable without even having a lot of money nor fame only makes any kind of pursuit of those things that much more meaningless and undesirable to me.
If I were to ever settle for essentially letting Kimi get away, in one way or another, with having the kind of connection with me that she does and it not resulting in a life-long romantic relationship and eventually marriage with her for me, then that very clearly sets a precedent for every other woman I'd ever have any even remotely deep connection with that she not only can but should take advantage of me and eventually leave me sooner or later; not only would she have seen a woman so brutally get away with it, but since I would've allowed it despite being in a position where I very clearly didn't have to do so, any potential partner I could have would be left under the impression I don't actually ever want a lasting romantic relationship with anyone, regardless of however I'd attempt to do my best to show I do.
If Kimi won't spend her life with me, it doesn't even matter if she's willing to sleep with me at this point or not; things are completely fucked either way if I don't get to be with her forever. If she sleeps with me, other women would be left thinking they can inflict any kind of fuckery on me and use me however they like, and as long as they at least sleep with me, I'll accept it. If she doesn't sleep with me, other women would be left thinking they can inflict any kind of fuckery on me and use me however they like, and they don't even have to sleep with me and I'll accept it. Ending up in either of these scenarios is fucking terrifying, devastating, and completely unacceptable to me under any circumstances.
My life is going to be absolute fucking dog shit without Kimi, no matter how other aspects of it turn out in that case. This was never up for debate.
There's no set of circumstances where I both don't get Kimi and don't end up going into isolation and destroying the world. If I don't get Kimi, that means that the world is not giving me the level of respect that I deserve for my power and abilities, therefore I need to demonstrate it in the only way possible left that would give me any degree of satisfaction, which is going into isolation and destroying everything when I come out. If the world is to give me the respect I deserve and recognize that I am indeed fucking awesome, then there's absolutely no reason why I should ever have to give up on Kimi.
I'll give up on Kimi if we're not officially dating soon, but there's already no good reason I ever have to move on from her, nor will there ever be. I never will move on from her. If society thinks I have to move on from her and that's the final verdict, then I'm moving on from society. In the same fashion that nobody cared about me in trying to convince me to move on when I shouldn't, I won't care about anyone when I come back to destroy everything and everyone.
The completion and release of this book is going to mark the end of something for me in my life. I'm not sure whether that's going to be the end of all my perpetual suffering, misery, hating life and everyone else in life, and being drastically underwhelmed, disrespected, unappreciated, and unsatisfied with everything I've ever done and got in life despite my immense efforts, or if it's going to be the end of me trying to care about anything ever again, having tried my hardest to do everything in my power to avoid becoming completely destructive and yet ending up in the world simply deciding that it is my fate to destroy everything instead.
Basically, it's either the end of my immense suffering or it's the end of the immense suffering that desperately hoping that there is an actual end to my immense suffering that isn't extremely destructive has been causing. Either my position is so miserable that not only is it as bad as I'm so worried it is but I'm also destined to desperately be given just enough hope to believe that it's not until it all comes crashing down and I realize it's actually terrible, so it's even worse because I was literally on a leash desperately hoping and trying my hardest to be constructive to the last moment until I could actually just completely clearly see that I was being the stupidest motherfucker on the planet, or it was a massive struggle and I was really miserable while I was going through it, but it was all worth it in the end and I'm going to get my dream to come true.
I started writing this book thinking that Kimi had just been messing with me and she'd finally had enough amusement from me and was getting ready to finally kick me out of her life for good, but she surprised me. As she continued to show seemingly more and more serious affection, my hope that it's possible she loves me remained.
She started expressing such desire that I felt it was necessary to open up more than I ever had before to see how she'd react, directly communicating to her via her personal email address that I have. I thought she'd be disgusted and it would end any possibility for a loving connection, but she ended up being really receptive to my messages about touching myself to her. She even went out of her way on multiple occasions after I started this direct communication to do things that I specifically told her would be really arousing to me. She seems to be a lot more receptive and warm to my intimacy towards her than I ever thought she would be. It really seems almost like a dream to me, and at the same time it makes so much sense.
Her reaction to my communication with her leading up to the release of this book is actually continuing to give me hope that I may not have to fucking destroy the world in the end and that I'll actually get my dream relationship and life with Kimi instead. Either that's happening because it's actually true and I really do have a chance to actually get what I've always wanted and be in an extremely loving and healthy relationship with Kimi in my life forever, or it's her being a massive bitch and life kicking me when I'm already down even harder, me being led even more than I already have in so much of my life to believe that I have reason to hope for a good outcome when really there isn't one; if it's the latter, it's the last time that life manipulates me into thinking that it's not as shit as I've been disillusioned into my perspective being that it truly is.
I'm writing this book with the complete intention to follow through on officially dating Kimi if she chooses to pursue a romantic relationship with me, exactly in the same fashion that I have the complete intention to follow through on going into complete isolation to meditate extensively using quantum energy harvesting meditation techniques in preparation to single-handedly destroy the entire world.
I really can't tell which is the case but only know that so far, at least emotionally, I feel better about getting what I want being a reality than I did before I started writing this book, when I was really with extremely low hope that it could ever happen. For all the uncertainty I face, what I know is that I really want what I want, and even though I went through so much, I still don't think that it wouldn't be worth it if I actually get what I want in the end, so I'm just left really hoping that I get what I want because that's what I wanted this whole time.
I don't want to have to end the world, I just know that I definitely will if I don't get what I want and therefore become absolutely certain that I'll definitely never be anything close to happy. All that leaves me with is the hope that the world doesn't want to be destroyed, and that if there's some notion of destiny to be believed that it is in my destiny that I get to be in that very loving relationship with Kimi that I've wanted for years instead of having to destroy everything.
Without Kimi, my life is literally worse than that of a starving kid in Africa with AIDS. The starving kid in Africa with AIDS knows their life is short, knows their capabilities are limited, and knows that they just have to try their hardest to survive and just find happiness in the little things in life. I've been unfortunate enough to have an insane struggle while having just enough to still at least have the hope that things get better constantly dangling in front of my face, while very clearly having to deal daily with the fact that things aren't actually getting any better. I put in an immense effort every single day of my life to take my shitty as fuck circumstances and try to turn things around, because I saw hope, I saw potential, and I made goals and dreams. I took my desires and I busted my ass every single day trying to achieve them, and yet I'm not seeing any real fruits of my labor whatsoever. It's been like this for far too long now, and this book is my final attempt. I've made up my mind and it's never changing.
Unlike a kid in Africa, not only did I actually try insanely hard to change my life around, I actually very seemingly had potential to do so. If a kid in Africa can't escape their circumstances, people pity them and believe they're just really unlucky. But if I can't escape my circumstances, I'm just a pathetic, lazy, incompetent piece of shit. If despite all my potential and all my immense efforts, I still just get crushed and now not only did I not get anything I wanted but I had to try so hard only to fail just as hard, I literally am in a more unfortunate situation than a kid in Africa because that kid never tried and never failed, or if they did try, they didn't really have much potential to begin with, so if they failed, it's not going to be soul-crushing, it'll simply be something they accepted as the probable reality before even trying.
I'm trying my absolute hardest, and if I can try so hard and get so far and yet I still failed like hell, now I would end up far more devastated than that kid in Africa could ever experience devastation. Someone born into really unfortunate circumstances may feel unlucky, they may feel hopeless, they may feel helpless, they may feel scared, sad, angry; they may feel many kinds of negative emotions, but the kind of devastation that you would feel from seeing so much potential, having so much hope, trying so fucking hard, and failing so fucking miserably is such an immense pain that simply being hopeless in the first place, even as bad as it is, could never compare.
Something very important to understand is that in writing this book, others should not seek to attempt to influence me to change my position and try to change my life, but rather that this book was written to influence others and try to change their lives, and that any changes in my life should only be a ripple effect as a result of that, not out of all of those people trying to help me in some way they have a preconceived notion will be helpful. Effectively, the only person in the entire world that I'll actually want to talk to and be willing to accept any kind of help from, at least certainly initially, is Kimi Park.
As long as you're over there thinking that I'm a dumbass that just doesn't see things clearly enough and needs your help to see the light instead of understanding that you're the dumbass for thinking I'm one and you're the one that actually needs my help to see the light, you're not going to make any real progress in truly understanding my perspective and what the state of objective reality currently actually is.
I know that if I follow through on starting drama if Kimi continues to resist a proper relationship with me without it, it'll put so much pressure on her to be with me, sooner or later, that she should do it. I know that I've tried extremely hard for a relationship with her and deserve her. I know that it doesn't really make much sense to believe she's acted as she has until now if she doesn't really have a lot of loving feelings for me or doesn't actually want to be with medeep in her heart, no matter how much she may make it seem otherwise.
Still, I've been really concerned that even if I go through with it, I may not get what I want, and that somehow I may have missed something, and if I don't get what I want, I'll be left feeling even more devastated forever that I lost the girl of my dreams, but not simply because the world is extremely cruel, unfair, and deserves the massive destruction I'll undoubtedly bring to it in that case, but because I fucked up and didn't do something that I should've to make my relationship with Kimi work.
I'm not concerned about that anymore.
I really held off on causing any kind of scene for quite some time after coming out of jail, due to wanting to do my best to make sure I've made my feelings, intentions, and desires as clear as possible to Kimi and others in her life. With things between us being so complicated, I needed to make sure I worked things through and got sufficient feedback from Kimi to hopefully be able to feel confident that my position and desires are understood clearly, and that my intentions behind whatever actions I take moving forward are very clear.
I was able to reach that point.
Kimi ended up having a stream where she expressed that she had ended up going to therapy, within a couple months of me turning myself in and allowing myself to be subjected to intense scrutiny by mental health professionals in a mental hospital in my best attempt to work towards making things work in my relationship with her (without her knowing at the time), because she used to get very angry at "people" (which given the context, I knew she was thinking and indirectly talking about me when she said it) for not living up to her expectations, disappointing her, not doing certain things, not following through on things, being flaky, being a bad person... until she realized that it was just a projection of herself.
With the things she listed and how she followed it up with admitting those attributes were really things she'd demonstrated, I feel certain she was talking about feelings she was having related to me. She said that she hasn't gotten angry at anyone but herself ever since she started going to therapy and started to understand herself better. Given the context, this made it very clear to me she's trying to communicate she hasn't gotten angry at me like she used to; this means she's overall quite clearly trying to communicate to me that she's changed.
I believe her.
She literally followed that dialogue up immediately with talking about how she wishes she could cry on stream but how she feels like she just can't allow herself to be that vulnerable to the public. She even admitted she feels it's not very healthy that she's that way. I can understand how she feels quite well; I know I'd have a lot of difficulty ever crying in public for any reason as well. Simply hearing her express these thoughts how she did, and with the timing and context as it was, made the picture seem pretty clear to me what she was thinking. She already feels like she wants to cry because of how bad she feels about how she's treated me, even though it terrifies her to put herself in that vulnerable of a position in public.
I found this quite touching. I don't need to see her cry in public to know her loving feelings towards me are genuine if she starts showing me more clear affection. I never did. I'd be fine even with her acting pretty intense about her affection towards me and telling me that she loves me extremely intensely and I'd better mean it when I say I'll be with her forever. I really just want her to be honest and warmer to me already.
Not very long after, the topic was switched to Pokemon, but even with that topic, Kimi found a way to be, as I see it, warm and encouraging towards me.
"Magikarps are the most inspiring Pokemon in the entire Pokeworld. The most useless little fish turns into a fricking Gyarados; are you kidding me? Like, if you just believe in yourself, if you just keep going and you keep believing in yourself, then you can also become a Gyarados, you know?"
Kimi mentioned that she had recently been obsessing with self-improvement and wanted to push herself more. She said that since she wanted to do so many things, it made her realize how much she felt she was lacking at the moment, and that it was stressing her out and making her feel sad. It hurt to hear that. I never wanted to make her feel inadequate and stressed out about it when she's the woman of my dreams exactly as she is.
Not very long after, she went on to talk about viewers having a crush on her, or perhaps that they used to. When people naturally started telling her pretty quickly not to be full of herself, she expressed that she was mentioning it because "maybe" she "used to" have a crush on certain viewers too. She then went on to say that she knows for certain that there's someone that does, because her and her manager's emails are being "flooded" with love letters.
Several of her friends tuned into that stream and made their presence in chat known, showing their support for what she was doing. When combined with the things Kimi said, it left me with a very strong feeling that although Kimi probably isn't willing to talk to me directly without me starting any drama whatsoever, and perhaps isn't even willing to simply open up and admit her real feelings if faced with an initial confrontation on her stream from me even if it's gentle and affectionate, that she really badly hopes I pursue forcing her to directly deal with the reality of the situation as it is, by starting drama in other streams as I said I would, doing so with the clear message that I need a very serious official romantic relationship with her in my life and I won't settle for any less, as I promised her I would.
It makes me very happy.
As I follow through with everything I've promised, I'll make it completely clear that Kimi was right about her anger towards me before she went to therapy being projected feelings about herself. At the same time though, I'll make it completely clear that her fears and concerns about being hated by me, not being understood by me, not being good enough for me, and not being wanted by me, are also all wrong, and that she should stop feeling so guilty about everything and understand that she still really does have the chance to make things right and have a proper relationship with me, instead of drowning herself in guilt and self-pity and heading down an extremely destructive and unhealthy path.
We're both extremely unique and deserve more attention anyways. I shouldn't be so concerned about bringing attention to things. There really is a lot on the line here after all, and not even just for my life or Kimi's life, but the entire world. I've already started considerable drama once back when I felt hopeless, so it makes a lot of sense that Kimi would want and even feel that she needs even more drama before she feels comfortable fully committing to being with me, now that it's clear I'm pursuing a positive direction with our connection and I also have very good reason to believe I'll get what I want.
I want it to be known that if we're together, I'll defend Kimi without hesitation from anyone that tries to bash on her for any reason related to our relationship, and you'd best believe I'll do a damn good job at it.
I know she's really worried I won't go through with things. I can also see that when she's expressing her authentic self, she's working towards a positive resolution instead of a destructive outcome, knowing I've constantly been doing my best to make it clear to her that the only possible positive resolution to this situation is if we end up together. She knows she's communicated this to me and I have very good reason to believe that I'll get what I want if I follow through on what I've promised her.
She still has a chance to make things right and be with me. I'm not giving up on her, even if I have to start some drama to really get her attention, show her how serious I am, and force her to make a clear and final decision on how to proceed with the future of our relationship and therefore also the future of humanity.
My connection with Kimi has reached the point where I can and will cause so much drama, if she's completely resistant to ever being with me, that her presence on Twitch will become so problematic she'll eventually get permanently banned. With going through with starting any and all drama with the clear sole intent of being entirely set on and unwilling to compromise about demanding an official romantic relationship leading to marriage with Kimi, I'm fully committing to spending my life with her such that if we were to ever break up for any reason, I'd lose not only the love of my life, but also many friends and fans, and probably end up having to leave behind all the fame I would've acquired. Since committing myself to Kimi so fully seems only fair, given how committed she already is to me whether she likes it or not, and I've already admitted many times that I won't care about any of that stuff if I don't have her anyways, I can understand that she'd have a strong desire to see me follow through on it; I don't have any problem with doing so.
I want it to be known that I made it extremely clear to Kimi, with her manager and multiple friends as witnesses, that she has the full opportunity, right up until the moment before drama starts, to communicate with me directly and stop me from having to start drama. If I end up having to do it, that means that Kimi forced me to do so, acknowledging full well that she left me with no other option and effectively asked for it in the clearest way possible by not communicating directly with me to effectively stop it.
In writing a book with such an undoubtedly powerful impact to those that read and understand it with reasonable proficiency, one may very likely be left contemplating on the nature of my desires as they relate to having a following of others that seek acceptance and approval from me, for whatever reasoning that drives them to such.
Let's start by giving a brief understanding of the word "cult" as presented by Wikipedia at the time this book is being written:
In modern English, the term cult has usually been used in reference to a social group that is defined by its unusual religious, spiritual, or philosophical beliefs, or by its common interest in a particular personality, object or goal. This sense of the term is controversial and it has divergent definitions both in popular culture and academia and it has also been an ongoing source of contention among scholars across several fields of study. It is usually considered pejorative.
Based on this understanding, we can easily realize the following two things:
Essentially, depending on how far-reaching of a scope you define as sufficient qualifying criteria, combined wi