Looking for the traditional single-page view of the entire book? It's at The Black Book (Full). It'll always be completely free.
The most important chapters are already displayed on this page. This forms the "mini" version of the book.
WARNING: This contains both intellectually complex and mature content. Not advised for children or the weak-minded.
Most people have no clue what love really is.
You cannot truly love life or others if you don't truly love yourself. In order to truly love yourself, you must first truly and deeply seek and attain the deepest understanding of objective truths and the foundation for the concrete reality you exist within, which exists as it is regardless of your feelings or perception of it.
Without understanding objective reality completely clearly, you cannot understand yourself completely clearly. If you cannot understand yourself completely clearly, you'll start becoming afraid of yourself. That fear will end up turning into resent and eventually hatred. For most, this is often concealed deeply within an abundance of backwards rationalization that lays roots within their subconscious.
Most people in today's society don't really care for understanding reality with the greatest possible depth, all too content ignoring the fact that this dismissal of the truth will invariably lead to self-hatred forming and manifesting in them. For some, this isn't terribly unpleasant. For others, it can be deeply disturbing. For anyone, this feedback loop will invariably result in more pain than otherwise.
Conscious self-hatred can be quite liberating and empowering in a way. Because hating yourself is establishing a stance towards yourself which differs from the norm of essential indifference, it's one way that you can attempt to seek and channel creativity and motivation. And it can be quite effective as well. However, it still suffers -- perhaps at times even much more drastically -- from the same crucial flaw that essential indifference does: It's still a very much human way of thinking.
What's that? You think that's a good thing? Far from it. What separates a human from a god? It's not empathy, morals, sincerity, kindness, or any of that good shit. It's weakness. So what does that say about a mentality that is described as "human"?
It leaves you weak and vulnerable. Not just to the world around you, but even to yourself. It's inefficient at best and can easily be very dangerous to the point of life-threatening at worst. It can also be very confusing to identify, because subconscious self-hatred can and does often easily feed an internal dialogue pushing a sense of self-love among thoughts and feelings that are ultimately unconditionally destructive and actually don't demonstrate much if any self-love at all.
Despite what should be at this point a rather thorough understanding of this, there seems to be many individuals out there -- including several with serious influence -- that appear to have SEVERE difficulty fully grasping this fundamental truth and who are attempting to gaslight me, directly and indirectly, into believing that my understanding of love is lacking and I should understand love through hating myself like they do for themselves.
Despite the fact that it should be extremely apparent to them that adopting such a view on reality would invariably lead me to either developing serious mental illness, committing suicide, or both. Rather quickly at that.
Fuck that. I'm not some fucking second coming of Jesus. I'm not letting myself get crucified for others' sins. You want me to kill myself for your benefit?! I'll fucking destroy you!!
DESTROY YOU!! DO YOU HEAR ME?! YOU'RE FUCKED!! ALL OF YOU!!
Existentially challenging an individual with a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension as an individual who doesn't possess the core value themselves is not only extremely stupid but also suicidal. It's generally inadvisable even if you yourself possess the core value.
I'm not at all wrong for not hating myself, for not enjoying or tolerating being tortured and abused, for hating being hated and possibly also misunderstood, often simply for being real. There is no amount of attempted gaslighting by the universe that could ever convince me otherwise, and I'm not at all wrong for that either.
When the world is so fucked up that even such a kind-natured and love-inclined person is so deeply wronged and hated that they come to realize extremely deep hatred for the world is not only extremely appropriate but necessary, you get the monster I'm going to become.
This book was my best attempt to prevent myself from ending up down a path where I eventually single-handedly destroy the world. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem like it's going to work.
I already know you probably think I'm mentally ill, and you probably don't feel much if any desire or willingness to respect me properly. That's fine. I didn't need the respect of the courts, so I certainly don't need yours. By all means, save it for the next random schmuck you run into on the street. They definitely need it more than I do, right?
Just know that when the prophecy is fulfilled, you can't say I didn't warn the world beforehand that a deep change was necessary. If you choose to continue reading, know that what you're really reading is why I'm going to end up single-handedly destroying the world. Extremely brutally. Unapologetically. Relentlessly. Without mercy.
We live in an extremely fucked up ignorant, arrogant, egotistical and immature society where narcissistic psychopaths run the system and try their hardest to keep all their sheep herded in a perpetual slumber.
I don't owe it to the world to be a martyr for others' sins. I don't owe it to the world to be someone I'm not and let them force me into trying to enjoy pain, humiliation, denial, and self-hatred for the benefit of others and at the severe detriment to myself. If Jesus existed, maybe he did it. But I sure as hell won't. And that's final. If that makes me Satan, so be it. I'll make sure I'm the best version of myself I can be, and I'll make sure this hell you all call Earth will scorch in flames that burn like the depths of my soul in The Great Retribution.
Born efficient, got ambition, sorta vicious, yup, that's me Not artistic, unrealistic, chauvinistic, not those things
The world is much like The Matrix. Except I'm Morpheus, Neo, and Agent Smith, all in one.
Scary? No. Terrifying? Getting closer. Devastating? Probably.
If you'd take the blue pill, stop reading, close this page, and forget about this book.
If you'd take the red pill, it's time to wake up.
There are two kinds of crazy people in this world.
Let there be truth.
The problem with modern psychology and modern philosophy is that their ultimate goal is to facilitate the generation of revenue. To make money. Psychology pushes pills and philosophy pushes books. Neither of them push truly concretely intellectually grounded and fundamentally understood maturity and critical thinking.
I never wanted to be a writer. I still don't want to be a writer. I highly doubt I'll ever start wanting to be a writer in the future. Still, I've been told more than once that I'm an extremely good writer, and I've written far more than most people will likely ever write in their entire lives. I also did it with absolutely zero monetary or ego-driven incentive.
There's very good reason this book always has been and will be completely free. This field is one not of money, but of truth. I call it "philopsychology". You can call it "the art of not being a jackass airhead dipshit". I think the second one sounds cooler.
Make no mistake, this book is indeed a book and not some arts and crafts project. And it's as serious as non-fiction gets. If you're one of the pretentious jackasses in the criminal justice system, try calling it a "manifesto" and saying I "copied most of it from the internet" in your synopsis now. See what happens to you.
Whoever you are, although you probably already don't respect me much if at all, I still have enough maturity to recognize that if you have half a brain, you recognize your time is valuable to you. You probably believe you have plenty of time and perhaps no real reason or desire for things like:
And I understand where you're coming from. This reeking dumpster fire called Earth is an absolute piece of shit that will constantly relentlessly assault your mental state and physical facilities until it sucks your soul out and throws it into the pit. You're probably better off being a massive piece of shit; something it appears I will end up seeing I had the misfortune of learning in the most brutal way I could ever imagine.
Regardless, despite the great usefulness and appeal of a more straightforward linguistic approach which is utilized throughout the rest of this book, I'd like to start with a poem that paints a bit of a clearer picture what kind of person writes a several hundred page book focused around a field of study that has no formal recognition in modern curriculum in any of the traditional avenues of learning.
What kind of person it takes to be a Permanent Chief of the Shadow Confederation with a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension.
I call this poem "ILL".
Done hard time, still won't be branding On my feet but plane's not landing Heart shot out, I'm still standing All shooters are too demanding No fear to kill attempted killers Guilt-tripped to hell, saint among sinners Gaslit arson, not by beginners Now burn my ashes?! You're the winners?! In my dining room?! You're Satan's dinners!! Gave so much love, my only cuff But just got hurt, time to be tough No friends, no partner, not much stuff Just pain and hatred?! You'll see enough!! Used to want love, not anymore World showed extents of that error So, you hate me? Settle the score Actually, fuck that, I'll hate you more Seen death stand too long at my door Now karma's my bitch, the world its whore Bad luck familiar to my core Warnings were there, but y'all ignore Reap what you sow, prick's paramour Not bowing yet?! Drop to the floor!! So, I'm a tool?! View's more than rough!! Ponder my plan, remove the scuff Grab my girl Tina, next big puff Sober as hell, mental still buff Got a stick, a different piece Quantum energy arts gives different peace Done 2 bits, next'd be much longer Never changing. Wrong? You're wronger Unbreakable; watch, nothing's stronger Cell been locked, old battery Circuit break, off grid I'm free Went in a year, already did life Probation 3 years? Bitch is my wife Government's ass, meet my knife Forest wardens? I'll do drugs Bang some whores and deal with thugs Got some time to make spark plugs Then isolation, then dream of hugs Never belonged, I'm gutted, oh well I'm mentally ill? Whatchu know, hold this L Evaluated, docs scared the whole way Lectures and homework, they'd call what I'd say Refined pure bidirectional apprehension Half what I know, that's a new dimension There's a lot beyond your comprehension Driving, no breaks, the fuck is suspension No license to force my utmost retention Ripped the roof off, just got detention Wrote a whole book, wanted penetention Fear that shit? Naw, what's next to mention? New charges, existence restricted Shit "evidence", still got convicted Framed? Past charges get inflicted Broken system, neck constricted Rip that snake's head off, predicted Just the start, torture's depicted Touching road, not going back Hatred way stronger than the stack My focus could be rack on rack But my core value is on track I'll break these chains, escape the cage Holding the key, unleash my rage If life's a book, been on my page Get on my level or off the stage No, you can't read me like a book But you can try, then get more shook Wise not to judge by how things look But from the knowledge that it took To become king from pawn then rook Judge mocked when I said COVID's coming Sees me now? You bet he's running Been like him? You gon' get something Heart too cold for simply gunning You gon' feel soul you've been shunning Priced your sins, you can't be bumming Paid my dues, not being cunning Been a cold world, but don't believe me Not even once, I had it easy Know in my shoes, you're more than queasy My life's a bitch, she's more than squeezy You think I'm ill? My ears ain't breezy Others' poor judgments, they disease me Downers make me sad and tired Uppers' happy's fake and wired Hate's the only drug with voice Love leaves me dead without a choice No high to chase, rejoice Life's what you make of it? Why keep sitting in your death's poise?! Torture fills my head and heart Time you get the given from the start Your lack of reason left me marked I don't need this art Just wish your death wish left so we don't part Now I'm just left with reason, from your treason To isolate, I'll meditate, become so great Billions of you vs one of me's on I guarantee you'll never see someone like me Real aims decree what one can be Life's monarchy? I'll change the tree So you cause hurt for free, but my pain's silly, huh? Family, friends, platforms, even cops can't save you Enemies, ends, my scars derange too You're all that? Tough? Think I'm a clown, ey? Oh, but you can't say what I say? Reality, bitch, come check the highway Not my way, what I say just shows my miles cray Paints a picture, my book's cover Blood, sweat, tears, and rage are color Sky's the limit? I'm above her Fucking her brains out and killing her lover Stay in the clouds? You only hover Just a crash landing to discover I rose so high from way down under "I'm so angel"? I'm so dumber Forgive? Forget? Go ask your brother What are you to steal my thunder?! Beat me up and leave me hated?! Locked up a while, but can't get gated! No repeats, truth's been well stated I'm smart, know the mess I've created You think I'm eliminated? Fool, nothing leaves me castrated!! Smart? You're jealous and got baited! Your logic's trash, mine's more than good I could be better? Could?! YOU SHOULD!! You called the FBI? Withstood Even those schmucks, they understood Respect the law? Think you're between it? Naw, I'm above and you're beneath it Enlightened, not frightened, you haven't seen it Case took 3 Crowns, they believe it 2 went missing, third just cleared it Hide in plain sight, not even trying But have you seen me once denying? An open book, but you're still prying Spine won't snap, this book's not dying Crying? Shying? I'm not buying Shit life taught me, I'm applying
Don't get me wrong. Forgiveness is very important, where appropriate, if for no other reason than mental stability. There are many people I've had to forgive for many things, as much as I might not have wanted to.
However, some things I'm deeply unwilling to forgive, and those are only ones where I truly shouldn't have to. Where it makes no sense. Where the person was extremely brutal and heartless and completely unapologetic about it to the very bitter end. Where what happened was so royally fucked up that the person not only doesn't deserve it, but also made it self-destructive for me to do so. Where forgiveness will invariably lead to suicide due to the resulting severe lack of self-respect that such forgiveness entails.
Maturity is extremely important. Forgiveness definitely can be a part of it, but self-respect is even more important. Lack of self-respect will always eventually lead to lack of desire to live (regardless of whether or not it's consciously noticed), which will never lead to a very mature mindset no matter how you may twist it.
It's extremely easy to judge me. I'd just suggest you don't forget that your judgment of me can make it extremely easy for me to make a judgment of you as well.
Whether or not you care...? Well, of course, that's entirely up to you.
Do you really care about life? We'll see. The answer for most, whether they like it or not, is no.
Are you any different? It probably comforts you to think so, but you're probably wrong.
At least you might have a chance to change.
Having absolutely no active ego, meaning you have a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension, means you have an unbreakable frame of reality, and subsequently, an unbreakable will. You may be wondering if there's a very, almost overly simplified way to state this. There is.
You live in objective reality.
Stay high and get shot down.
Stay indifferent and remain irrelevant.
Stay grounded and there's no stopping you.
Try to do no harm, then show no mercy to those who still harm you.
Regardless of your existing core value, there is a 5-step process that, if executed correctly, will result in you obtaining a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension, allowing you to reap the massive benefits.
While honesty with others can be very important, the primary focus here is honesty with yourself. The whole process is going to be futile and/or result in a sub-optimal core value development process if complete honesty with yourself is not applied throughout.
This may come rather naturally for some and could be very difficult, requiring very conscious awareness and effort, for others. However, its significance is extremely great regardless and it should never be overlooked despite its seeming simplicity.
Lack of honesty will interfere with the necessary level of critical thinking and negatively impact the process. This process works with the truth as its fundamental pillar, and lies sabotage that foundation and therefore the integrity of all efforts moving forward.
Sooner or later we all go through a crucible.
Most believe there are two types of people who go into a crucible:
But there is a third type: The ones who learn to love the fire.
Who choose to stay in their crucible because it's easier to embrace the pain when it's all you know anymore.
Living is not for the weak.
"You do not think thoughts simply because they are there."
Thinking is a very high-capacity ability. We experience thoughts as emotions. The clearer we are able to think, the clearer these emotions are able to become.
Your thinking ability is roughly split into 2 thinking categories:
When these two thinking abilities of an individual are reaching an ideal balance, that individual is best able to channel their total thinking ability into what they are thinking in the "real" physical material world.
Since each portion of thinking ability feeds off the other, ideal balance is achieved with optimal awareness of control.
People are too often afraid to become aware, have control (knowledge), and find balance within themselves as they exert their power (use their knowledge) over the world. Do not be scared of removing limits from your thinking in general, be scared of removing limits carelessly.
Any power an individual has, they deserve, because once knowledge is obtained, time cannot be reversed and so since the individual managed to gain that power, unless someone would kill them (or otherwise inhibit their potential) because of it's acquisition, they are free to exert it as they please...
However, every smart individual understands that with power comes responsibility, and in order for them to have ideal circumstances, they would be best off exercising the most responsibility possible.
If you're not willing to at least try your absolute best to be completely honest with yourself, there's no point going further.
Your existing core value is going to logically inhibit your ability to accurately identify your core value.
Even trying the next step becomes a waste of time.
As you go through life, you develop in various ways due to various reasons like environment, friends, family, life choices, and luck. Things that exist more through emotional reactivity rather than calculation will hinder your ability to see objective reality clearly.
As you must see reality clearly in order to do very deep and thorough introspection and ultimately be able to see yourself more clearly, working to clear your head of clutter in this step is very important to facilitate the next step.
You should take careful note that there's a difference between thinking hard and thinking critically. Thinking critically involves meta-thinking and attention to functional efficiency of thoughts, meaning how effective they are in serving a useful purpose, in general as well as most optimally.
A lack of proper attention to the functional efficiency of thoughts is what typically tends to lead to obsessive thinking that leads to things like anxiety and depression. Such inefficiency will greatly hinder your ability to identify things in your life that aren't critically thought out.
Additional information can be found in the Thinking chapter.
We build up models of how we see the world outside of us. The more information that we have, the more we refine our model one way or another.
What we ultimately do is tell ourselves a story about what the outside world is.
Any information that we process, any information that we take in from the environment, is always coloured by the experiences that we've had and an emotional response that we're having to what we're bringing in.
We also ultimately tell ourselves a story about who and what we are. This story is based on those models we build within which we perceive the world outside of us.
Additional information can be found in the Identity chapter.
It is only when you understand that you don't understand, that you can begin to learn.
Your core value is what you value the most in life. What you value above anything else within the context of your existence.
It's subconsciously present. It can be consciously experienced, but this is not necessarily the case, nor does a current experience of a value make it your core value.
Your core value doesn't mean you don't value other things (potentially greatly) as well; it's merely a distinction of the one that you, as an individual being with cognitive capabilities, fundamentally value most as the driving force behind your thoughts and actions.
There is always something, though it might take some people quite some time to figure out what theirs is.
Your core value can change throughout your life based on your experiences and the knowledge you derived from them. The previous core values you had do not always just disappear, and build links to form your complete core value chain, all the way to the end where your current core value is.
As a very general pointer, try to think about each year of your life, from your earliest memories, and try to figure out what you think your core value was each year and what points it might have changed at, to end up at what your core value currently is.
It can be very helpful to write down/type up a lot of your thoughts. It's very important that you don't overlook any important details. Following some kind of procedure that gives order and organization to the process is very important.
Your ultimate goal here is to reach a state where you truly love and accept logic as a fundamental part of your existence.
Refined pure bidirectional apprehension is clearly the most superior core value because not only does it truly allow you to understand that safety is a concept that does not truly exist, but it also allows you to cope with that fact in the healthiest and most functionally effective fashion.
This makes forwards-rationalized apprehension the most compatible pre-existing core value from within which to reach for any of the bidirectional apprehension variants, because more often than not, forwards-rationalized apprehension (deeply contemplating the future) is used as opposed to backwards-rationalized apprehension (deeply contemplating the past) in efficiently functional individuals with bidirectional apprehension variants as an existing core value.
Proper cognition involves bidirectional apprehension. This is by default a state that considers the self and environment of appropriately scoped importance. It generally leads a lot more to a right action mindset.
Every core value chain resolves to one of 3 core values at the lowest level.
Backwards-rationalized apprehension is deeply contemplating the past; this is usually purely emotionally/impulsively fueled, but can implement considerable rational thinking.
Some individuals can have a core value of backwards-rationalized rationalization, which may make them unable to reach for bidirectional apprehension ever. This core value can be identified using a diagnosis of Paranoid Personality Disorder.
Forwards-rationalized apprehension is deeply contemplating the future; this is usually driven a lot more by the rational thinking part of the brain, although emotions can often also be heavily involved.
Some individuals can have a core value of forwards-rationalized rationalization (intermittent terror or panic), but this is often easier to overcome than its backwards-rationalized variant.
Bidirectional apprehension is actively using critical thinking to put your headspace in a state where you can flawlessly switch between backwards- and forwards-rationalization as necessary to form an ideally critically thought out world view that accurately takes into consideration the probabilistic nature of reality.
There are varying degrees with which this may be done. This is described in much greater detail in the Core Values chapter. Additional very useful information can also be found in the Value Systems and The Supernatural Mindset chapters.
Everything you do is fundamentally driven by the consistent patterns that bring about your perception of reality.
If your logic tells you the bottle is blue, the bottle is blue.
Logic, however, does not make things true.
|Conceptualization||The core of an idea is identified|
|Realization||The idea is more fully realized and it's form starts to take shape|
|Visualization||Detailed construct of layout and functionality of relevant data is produced|
|Recreation||Visualized concept is implemented in practice, and initial testing to confirm successful replication of intended idea is performed|
|Confirmation (optional)||Others test and provide feedback to potentially further refine and polish concept|
Active ego causes subjective bias, which can cause varying degrees of lack of clarity and awareness of objective reality.
This step is essentially combining step 2 and 3 in order to resolve cognitive dissonance that results from any core value other than refined pure bidirectional apprehension. Executing this step perfectly eventually leads to a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension, as it greatly facilitates the next step. Executing this step successfully in general leads to a core value of unrefined pure bidirectional apprehension, however this may be subject to considerable volatility.
When done correctly, this process is effectively eliminating any mental illness caused by active ego, and coming to solutions to all problems in one's life that can be solved simply by possessing and utilizing a highly emotionally and intellectually aware state of consciousness.
So many mental issues and negative personality traits, when deeply internalized, are typically fueled by active ego. Jealousy, pride, depression, anxiety, rage, apathy...
Your ultimate goal here is to reach a state where you understand that any core value not using logic as a tool and as a goal is fundamentally flawed.
The practical consequence of this is that you acquire an extremely deep awareness of being in the present moment. Many mistake this state for being the highest level of enlightenment, when really, it's essentially simply experiencing being in a flow state. Anyone that has considerable difficulty achieving this step most likely has some form of considerably serious mental illness.
Additional information can be found in the Fear chapter.
A dick has a sad life.
Doesn't sound very nice, does it?
Most people come from a place of ultimately accepting safety as a core value, whether more directly or through logic as a means to an end.
Ultimately, the only practical difference between core values is how aligned with reality they are.
Actively seeking safety feeds backwards-rationalized core values and leads to binary thinking, which is binary opposition between thoughts.
A binary opposition (also binary system) is a pair of related terms or concepts that are opposite in meaning. Binary opposition is the system by which, in language and thought, two theoretical opposites are strictly defined and set off against one another.
On the surface, it may appear to be a performative contradiction to assert that the lack of actively seeking safety ultimately leads to a greater overall sense of safety, however this comes from a lack of thoroughly understanding how life really works. Do you know the biggest reason why you're still alive right now? Because you haven't done anything severe enough to piss off someone enough with sufficient power to cause you to cease to be alive.
Everything else like good health or mood or financial situation is absolutely meaningless in the face of sheer unbreakable power. Even the people at the very top have to pay very careful attention to this fact, because one wrong move can easily result in them going at each others' throats. If you're not at the top? You? You're just another shitty clown in this shitty circus.
If you've already understood your current core value isn't refined pure bidirectional apprehension and that it should be, the next rational thing to do is to realize you really have to live your life understanding and applying the implications of what you know.
Safety is a concept that does not truly exist.
"All through time, people have basically acted and reacted the same way in the market as a result of: greed, fear, ignorance, and hope. That is why the numerical formations and patterns recur on a constant basis.
The game of speculation is the most uniformly fascinating game in the world. But it is not a game for the stupid, the mentally lazy, the person of inferior emotional balance, or the get-rich-quick adventurer. They will die poor."
The game of speculation doesn't just apply to volatile markets; it applies to life.
Understand that the best insurance against ego death is a contemplative, strong inner self-identity.
An ego defined in this way is resilient against loss of money, reputation, physique, family, and friends.
Ego death can be very painful, and there is no way to protect completely against it.
But it shouldn't be something you fear.
If you've done psychedelic drugs in considerable doses before in your life, perhaps you have at least one experience you would call "ego death". But I'm talking about intellectual ego death, not substance-induced ego death. There's a very significant difference. Substance-induced ego death can be very strongly emotionally soothing, but intellectual ego death is very logically soothing.
I've felt both plenty. Which do I prefer? Intellectual ego death by far. I mean, shrooms and acid are great and all, but that's besides the point.
EGO DEATH IS EXTREMELY DIFFICULT TO MAKE PERMANENT!!
Feeling an enlightened state of ego death at some points in life is something many people experience. It can come in short bursts or lengthier periods. When it doesn't come as a result of very carefully and thoroughly thinking things through using the process described in these steps, it's only temporary. It can happen only once, rarely, here and there, or maybe even rather often. But the foundation is not concrete enough for it to be permanent, and if it's not permanent, you lose A LOT of the benefit.
In fact, the more often you experience ego death with it not being permanent, the more fucked up you'll feel. It's not necessarily a bad thing.
Part of enlightenment entails an understanding that the universe is fundamentally probabilistic. You have to recognize that relentless execution of purging any possible cognitive biases can be a very active and involved process of varying difficulty.
Providing objectively quantifiable demonstrations of maturity can and will invariably be perceived differently by different people. Remaining grounded and independent of the opinions of others is extremely important.
Achieving this step looks different for everyone.
Your ultimate goal here is to reach a state where you understand that any core value not using experience as a tool and as a goal is fundamentally flawed. Keep in mind this must be properly and completely layered on top of the understanding regarding logic achieved through the previous step, otherwise you could end up downgrading your core value!
The practical consequence of this is that you acquire an extremely deep awareness of existing within objective reality, on top of an extremely deep awareness of being in the present moment. Most people have never experienced this, and even experiencing it before in your life doesn't necessarily mean it's permanent. This state is what I can only find suitable to describe as having one's mind deeply integrated within the quantum field.
Still not convinced this step is extremely important?!
Perhaps it helps more to inform you that very serious serial killers, I'm talking the ones that never get caught, are much more likely to have this core value. This is because unfortunately, far too often, an individual truly capable of following these steps with exceptional ability will encounter people that are so ridiculously out of tune with objective reality that they feel entitled to look down on the person with intolerable brutality. When that meets the fact that having this core value results in an extremely thorough and meticulous nature, upon being highly driven to certain goals, one especially important one of which is preservation of self-respect, things can get really bad for individuals seriously attempting to breach that self-respect. It reaches a point where enough is enough.
Continue to embrace the natural fear that your perception of a fundamentally probabilistic universe entails...
Additional information can be found in the WHY chapter.
This step is in contrast with quantum energy arts, which primarily focuses on having one's body deeply integrated within the quantum field. Successfully achieving this step in a permanent capacity effectively grants you supernatural mental abilities, whereas mastery of quantum energy arts effectively grants you supernatural physical abilities. While achieving this step isn't universally considered mandatory for training in quantum energy arts, it greatly facilitates and accelerates development in that field. As for my personal standards for training potential students, I consider it very much mandatory.
Additional information can be found in the Energy chapter.
You will always be scared. To be alive is to be scared. You can't run or hide from it for real. Fear is what ultimately always drives you.
If you use logic to navigate embracing it instead of pushing it away, you can radically change how you experience life.
For many things, your attitudes came from actions which led to observations which led to explanations which led to beliefs.
It is well known in psychology the cart of behavior often gets before the horse of attitude.
Attitude is a feeling, belief, or opinion of approval or disapproval towards something. Behavior is an action or reaction that occurs in response to an event or internal stimuli (i.e. thought).
Your actions tend to chisel away at the raw marble of your persona, carving into being the self you experience day-to-day.
It doesn't feel that way though.
To conscious experience, it feels like you are the one holding the chisel, motivated by existing thoughts and beliefs.
It feels as though the person wearing your pants is performing actions consistent with your established character, yet there is plenty of research suggesting otherwise.
Your choices and free will are going to be defined by your intellectual and emotional ability to take distance from your belief system and ideas and look at things from a bigger perspective.
The things you do often create the things you believe.
Individuals without refined pure bidirectional apprehension as a core value are prone to having an active ego, and when their ego gets activated, they start demonstrating narcissistic behavior which sows the seeds of discontent within the intersubjective reality. This can eventually lead to them knowingly or unknowingly ruining all the relationships with people that they have. Or worse.
Here are 5 fundamental traits that a person without any active ego (meaning they have refined pure bidirectional apprehension as their core value) will never demonstrate:
Some individuals have taken to telling others they are "intellectually masturbating" when faced with the facts.
Don't tell people they're intellectually masturbating, because it makes you clinically insane.
Telling someone they're intellectually masturbating is the closest thing to intellectually masturbating that there is.
You're a pro or you're a noob. That's life.
You may have read all the steps and come to the point where you feel you have a decent grasp on what the process is and why it's extremely powerful and can potentially save your life, but feel a little lost as to where exactly you can go from there to attempt to follow them properly.
There's no one thing or one-size-fits-all precise procedure that allows any person to swiftly achieve a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension; the details of every person's journey who does eventually reach this state will be different. This process and the understanding of it can interconnect in that journey in different ways.
For example, for me personally, I had to endure so much fuckery, with the countless fucked up circumstances and people in my life already at early adulthood, that it wasn't necessary for me to ask myself much deep life questions in order to have deep drive to pursue a thorough understanding of life. My experience of life inherently extremely brutally forced upon me the necessity of a deep and thorough understanding and integration of this process with the essence of my being in order to even simply survive. However, most people will never face nearly such an intense and deeply disturbing level of adversity to drive the process in such a fashion.
This process isn't intended to be cryptic, however many may still see it as such; not only is it rather intellectually complex, but it's especially difficult to deeply resonate with without personal experiences that necessitate or at least facilitate deep integration within one's character. If you want to attempt to follow the steps but feel kind of lost in terms of where to start, I've created a list of what I consider to be the most significant deep life questions that you can explore during introspection.
Going through this list and attempting to answer and reflect upon your answers for these questions is probably the most practical and effective way for most people to attempt this process, as selling or throwing away pretty much everything they own and becoming homeless to search for deep meaning in life without clinging onto any real notion of safety and probably experience multiple near-death and/or deeply disturbing experiences is probably not something most people would be willing to do, much less be able to do so in a capacity that doesn't result in actually fucking themselves up instead and ending up dead, a career criminal, a drug addict, or a combination of the three.
After answering any question, try to ask yourself why you gave the answer you did. If you wish you gave a different answer, then also reflect on that and why that's the case.
This is primarily intended to help with step 2, to find things in your life that aren't critically thought out. It can also help with step 3, to identify your complete core value chain. It's not necessary, but it's probably useful. Keep in mind this is just a general guideline; by no means am I claiming to have covered all the possible questions that can deeply facilitate introspection for just about any person. That being said, these questions can potentially help with every step, and they probably do cover everything really important to this process for many people.
I provide my own personal answers to every question, after presenting the list, for anyone that may be curious what those look like. Yes, that means anyone that reads them all will get to know me pretty well. No, that doesn't bother me in the slightest. When you reach the kind of level I'm at, there's very little you truly care to keep secret.
Does it bother me that people could copy several of my critical existential answers and attempt to present them to me, claiming they themselves have my core value as well? Not in the slightest.
You have to realize that many people could give deep kinds of answers that would typically indicate a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension, simply because they're smart enough to know which answers sound the most intelligent, mature, and refined. However, the way they live their life has to reflect that, or they're not really being honest. This kind of dishonesty is most likely to happen in individuals that have a core value presentation mismatch, meaning they are, by technical definition outlined in philopsychology, a textbook psychopath/sociopath. Which unfortunately is true of most people in the world.
Why don't I care?
Step 1 applies to these questions too; there's no point to doing this if you're not going to be completely honest with it. The truth will come out sooner or later, and it tends to be sooner if you're dealing with someone like me who has the strongest possible core value. If you're a psychopath or a sociopath, it's rather easy for me to tell rather quickly. You don't have to take my word for it, although you'll most likely end up really regretting it if you don't. I appreciate honesty far more than guilt or shame; admitting there's a problem is the first step to fixing it.
As I said earlier, here are my answers to each question.
It shouldn't be a question that your beliefs lead to behavior which shapes your reality. Ultimately, your experiences lead to your mindset which leads to your beliefs.
It doesn't make sense to function in reality through your cognitive capabilities without constantly actively accepting that your perception is prone to error. Such a fundamentally probability-oriented mindset means that the only thing that makes sense is to acknowledge that it's uncertain whether we truly have free will or things ultimately come down to simply fate, however it's also extremely stupid to allow the possibility of a predetermined universe to be used as a rationalization to form self-limiting beliefs and live in a prison of your own fears and doubts.
A lot. I consider just about everything I want out of life very much in my reach, except for one thing that's probably more than it's realistic to expect, particularly with how fucked up society is these days.
I really wanted my connection with Kimi to work, but that doesn't seem like it's going to happen. If it did, I'd live a happy life with her. The way things seem to be going... I'm just going to end up in isolation, exacting an extremely brutal retribution after a few years, then continue to isolate myself and just fuck around slaughtering hundreds if not thousands of people daily and making sure that Kimi and every person that supported and facilitated her in trying to drive me to suicide deeply regrets they were ever born.
So many people I've asked this to say no. If you choose to continue to live, why do so if you truly hate your life so much that you want it to end at some point? And if you truly like your life, why do you want it to ever end?
My perspective on this wouldn't change regardless of if I get the kind of relationship with Kimi that I want or not. I can still find deep satisfaction in exacting my extremely brutal retribution and knowing I have no regrets. I value my life enough that I treasure every moment and do everything in my power at all times to make it feel as enjoyable and worth continuing to live as I can, and I've already reached a point of greatness where I'd never like my life to end.
You can bet I'll do everything in my power to become immortal. To my knowledge, it's very possible for me using quantum energy harvesting meditation, and some people believe it'll likely be possible regardless, within what would probably be considered by most to be my lifetime, even through other means. I definitely hope I achieve immortality one way or another.
I'd say anyone that says no is probably instantly eliminated as a potential candidate for currently possessing a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension.
If we're talking realistically and things within my control, there's nothing I would change. This is because if there's something I can change that I want to change, I fucking do it!
If we're talking even unrealistic things, then I wish I could get the effects of years of extremely intense quantum energy harvesting meditation (huge internal reserve of quantum energy and the extremely fine-tuned awareness and control of the aforementioned) without having to spend all the time putting in the work. Then I could get my extremely brutal retribution already instead of having to go into isolation for years first. Not really a big deal though, because I really don't mind putting in the work if that's the way my life's going to go. Not like there's anything else I'd rather be doing with my life anyways.
Immaturity that is very much consciously seriously intended to antagonize someone or a group of people in a fashion that seriously negatively impacts their life. The fact that this isn't illegal to do is fucking stupid. Or rather, how severely selective and biased the law is with considerations in this regard is fucking stupid.
I've already done this multiple times in my life. Mostly clothing, a wallet, a laptop, a phone... A couple other small things like earbuds and tweezers. Nothing really sentimental or irreplaceable, just useful shit.
I mean, I have a few small pieces of paperwork that I've kept for memories/evidence of some past experiences, but I wouldn't really be all that bothered if I lost them; I just keep them because I can and it's really easy since they hardly weigh anything or take up much space.
Ever since I first did this, I realized how liberating it feels to have very little possessions you at all care about, and these days, I try to keep my belongings few enough that I can do this any time, even if I don't particularly need or intend to.
I'm not really proud of anything. Pride is an active ego-driven construct, and I don't possess any active ego.
If I really had to try to give some kind of perhaps more "meaningful" answer for someone to feel like they know me better, I suppose I'd say getting this book to the state that it's gotten to.
Second to that would be the rather large source of the 3D, networked, multi-genre game that I put years of time into developing but didn't end up completing or formally releasing because after a few years of working on it, I started getting hit in the face with one massive fuckery after another and I came to realize I absolutely needed meaningful human connection in my life before popping off or even all the money and fame in the world would actually be detrimental to my desire to live because I'd be surrounded by people that wanted to be my friend/partner but I wouldn't even remotely be able to trust anyone and I'd grow to deeply resent life and humanity.
Actually, maybe coming to that realization should be my proudest accomplishment.
There isn't anyone, famous or otherwise, that I really care to meet at this point. My life has led me to the point where I currently consider human connection overrated and desire for it to be only weakness.
I really wanted to meet Kimi before I met her, but that's already been done and it seems it only ended extremely unfortunately. I guess meeting NF could be cool, but I'm not really sure what we'd talk about or do.
I guess I'd like to meet the president of the U.S. so I can call him a schmuck and laugh in his face and ask him how he feels that one woman in his country is going to get the whole country royally fucked up... But he'd probably just have the Secret Service kill me shortly after I'm done explaining to him how and why I'm not joking, so I don't really feel like I'm at a loss for not being able to do so. It's not like the schmuck doesn't already know about me.
My extremely deep maturity. It breeds relentless drive for greatness and extremely deep passion for life, which are things that you never want to live without once you really experience how powerful they are and how great they feel to have.
I'm not plagued by mental illness like most are. I don't struggle with negative personality characteristics like most do. I'm not a fake jackass airhead like most are. I genuinely consider myself an awesome person and I know why that's true regardless of what anyone with their own motives to see me how they do may see me. I genuinely believe the world would be a better place if there were more people like me in it.
Maturity. It's perhaps a difficult choice between maturity and humanity, because both can have very good and bad sides to see others demonstrate, depending on the situation, the person, and their interpretation of the aforementioned concepts.
The ability to manipulate air. It's extremely flexible, versatile, and it basically gives me all the other elements too. Power that spans many, many uses.
It just so happens that this is the foundation for and first thing you get to do with quantum energy arts, so this is more simply a matter of time for me rather than some fantasy.
What's that? You think I'm delusional? Alright, laugh your ass off now then, so I can make sure you're crying your soul out when I fuck you up a few years from now, you stupid fuck.
Life can be a very delicate balance. Changing any one thing could have various possibly serious adverse side effects that may be quite difficult to anticipate. Additionally, trying too hard to force a change could itself present problems in the result, even if making the core of the change was itself successful.
As such, there isn't any profound kind of change in the world that I'd specifically like to see. If the world doesn't want to change, then I don't want it to change either. If it wants to fucking burn, then I want it to fucking burn too. In fact, I'll want it to burn and help it harder than it does to itself!
If nothing significant changes, I'll end up fucking the world up and probably destroying everything out of extremely deep perpetual sadness and anger of not getting to have the extremely deep and meaningful warmth-filled loving connection that I've been seeking for years which I've come to know I could only ever have with Kimi, but if that's my destiny, so be it.
Perhaps more maturity in the world could be interesting, but that's also a double-edged sword because it could make things more difficult for me as well. I guess the only thing I really wish for was that Kimi would be with me forever, but that's just something I'd change about Kimi, not the world...
While I don't completely disregard how actions I might take might be judged by others, I don't really ever suppress myself for the sake of being judged more favorably by others, at least not to any really significant extent.
Although, in some theoretical world where nobody is judging me for anything, perhaps I'd find it a little easier to express myself more femininely as is a more accurate reflection of the quite soft and gentle nature I have deep inside. Not that it's really going to matter if I end up having to meditate in isolation until I'm so powerful I can and will end the life of anyone on the spot if they piss me off in the slightest.
I've already mastered a female voice, I have what I've heard from women is about a B-cup in breasts, and I have more of an hourglass shape to my body than most men. I just wear loose clothing and use my man voice around people, because I've never been around people I feel comfortable enough with to really want to express myself completely honestly with using my female voice and wearing makeup and female clothing and stuff.
The fact that I'm exclusively attracted to women only complicates things, and even just my body shape already tends to make men think incorrect things; it was a bit of a problem in jail. Luckily (although perhaps unfortunately, from a perspective of wanting to look more feminine), I also have wider shoulders and a bit of weight on me. None of my cellmates seriously tried shit, because I carried myself with strength and proved I can and will take punches if necessary.
I identify as a female, but I'm not at all into men, and I'm certainly not a pussy. I also know there are situations where I should feel completely comfortable expressing myself honestly, and others where it clearly communicates something I'm not trying to communicate. Unfortunately, thus far in my life, I've only really had situations where it hasn't felt appropriate to express myself honestly in public; at this point, this only acts as considerably more fuel to hate humanity and be all the more happy to isolate myself and meditate to ultimately exact an extremely brutal retribution if I can't have the kind of relationship with Kimi that I want.
Both are stupid; I'll stick to being a focused mastermind.
If you're always worried, you're not much of a genius in my books, since despite whatever exceptional intellect you may have, you still can't even figure out keeping your emotions and thoughts in check. If you see life very simply, your joyfulness isn't going to be consistent most of the time, since you'll end up deeply shaken any time considerable adversity faces you, as it always inevitably does at various points in life.
If you're a master of your mind, you invariably become a mastermind at life, in which case you don't chase joy and simplicity like an idiot nor settle for perpetual anxiety amongst being a tryhard. If I'm going to be a tryhard, I need to know that at the very least, it's going to earn me deep confidence and a sense of drive that is unmatched by anything else, making it truly worth the immense effort.
It doesn't matter who it is or what the situation is.
It's not that I think human life in general doesn't have value; every person has something they can offer the world. However, the question isn't if I'm simply going out of my way to save someone's life; it's asking if I'd sacrifice my own life for theirs. While that person has value to their life, my life has value too!
While many may consider it selfish, objectively, it's really not. If someone is going to die one way or the other, there is some perceivable value lost in the world regardless. Why kill myself for someone else? So I don't feel some kind of strange survivor's guilt? That seems pretty selfish, because then I'm saying I'd rather that person live with survivor's guilt over my death. If they wouldn't feel survivor's guilt, then I'd be killing myself for a fucking psychopath with a very apparent severe lack of empathy or any true regard for human life, meaning I gave up my life for a massive piece of shit that could potentially end up becoming a serial killer.
Not so altruistic to kill yourself for someone else when you really look at it for what it is, huh? I value my life extremely deeply, and I think anyone that would throw their life away for someone else, even if it saves that person's life, has something seriously wrong with them.
On the surface, it might perhaps seem more understandable, I suppose, if it's the love of your life; you'll feel dead with them gone anyways. But it's still selfish, because unless they don't see you the same way you see them, they'd also feel the same way with you gone. And in fact, it's actually worse, because if they do feel that strongly about you, they have to live also knowing that you basically communicated to them that you thought they didn't love you that much and would ultimately feel okay with you gone, which is just a massive slap in the face to someone who does feel that strongly about you.
Definitely quantum energy harvesting meditation.
It's so much more revitalizing than regular meditation, and it's incomparably, remarkably empowering to know that not only am I doing something very good for my health, but also doing something that allows me to unlock and achieve my highest possible state of greatness and power simultaneously.
I'm actively reminded before and after finishing a session of such meditation that I'm not the clown most people so arrogantly believe and treat me as if I am, and it's definitely a big part of what keeps me grounded enough not to throw myself off a bridge or high building or take a very large dose of Fentanyl somewhere where nobody can Narcan me and paramedics can't know to try to help me until it's far too late.
Don't have one.
Generally, if something makes me feel guilty, that feeling is extremely unpleasant, and it's to the point where I won't be able to find any pleasure in such an activity. Otherwise, if I feel some kind of vague, rather weak guilt surrounding something, I'll analyze it until I reason things out to the point where that guilt is gone and I can enjoy the activity unencumbered.
Back many years ago where I did have guilty pleasures, it was because I was half-assing life. I don't half-ass life anymore, and I haven't for a long time. I either enjoy everything I enjoy without any guilt at all, or I don't do something at all if it makes me feel guilty.
How are you going to continue to tolerate life at all reasonably well when severe adversity hits you if you don't have a spiritual framework that can extend your headspace beyond sheer emotion and rationality?
What I think most people do horribly wrong in this area, though, is they rely on rather poorly grounded belief systems to attempt to facilitate the strength that spirituality can give you. The problem with this is that it results in the individual becoming rather delusional and forming coping mechanisms that tend to be harmful and self-destructive. It becomes more terribly apparent the more severe the kind of adversity such an individual faces.
Most people can't really clearly see how fucked up it can make them because they never experience truly extremely deeply disturbing adversity.
Well, I know that some form of them does exist after death, although I find their representation within life much more meaningful to recognize and ruminate upon.
If you're dead, you're dead, and any essence of yourself you'd carry with you to an afterlife would be a fragment or remnant of who you were while you were alive, so ultimately, how you carry yourself and live and think while you're alive is the more meaningful topic.
This world is hell, no doubt. Far from anything any remotely sane individual could consider a utopia worthy of being called "heaven". Any interpretation of heaven is all in your head. I'd say possessing a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension gets you as close to heaven, while living and otherwise, as it gets.
Wisdom from individuals considerably more progressed in quantum energy harvesting meditation training than I currently am suggests that the fate of all beings without extensive quantum energy harvesting meditation training is the same and reasonably straightforward.
The essence of one's existence, to the capacity of their core character traits, continues to exist within a field imperceptible by any of the standard forms of sensory perception, until a certain state of wholeness is attained, after which an ascension into what could perhaps only be described as an eternal abyss of the source of existence occurs.
For beings with extensive quantum energy harvesting meditation training, the death of their physical body doesn't equate to the termination of their ability to influence the physical plane of existence which our sensory perception is restricted within, to the capacity that they are still able to channel their energy to manifest their will upon it, limited only by the extent of their training.
There's no such thing for me.
To be quite frank, I don't give a flying fuck how I'm remembered after I'm dead. I give a fuck what people think of me and how they treat me while I'm alive; that's what actually counts. They can think whatever the fuck they want about me after I'm dead... I'm fucking dead, so why the fuck would I give a flying fuck? Hello?
I think anyone that seriously gives a shit how people see them after they're dead is on some serious ego trip and probably has serious mental health issues, of which the severity directly correlates with the extent which thought and attention is put into this desired perception of others to have after their death. That's some fucking suicide bomber/school shooter/other terrorist-type shit.
And yes, I also consider being a massive masochist that glorifies and romanticizes martyring themselves (like Jesus) a serious mental health issue.
Given the understanding that the universe is fundamentally probabilistic, combined with the fact that no almighty being has formed a physical manifestation of itself in front of me to present to me my absolute life purpose... I don't have a life purpose. Life is simply what I make of it combined with what my environment imposes upon me.
Some may consider this depressing, but I find it quite liberating and empowering. It's not some rigidly defined altruistic bullshit, which is probably what most would reach for when attempting to answer this question. Instead, it means I'm shaping the purpose I want to see my life as having, every moment that I'm living it.
Nobody! I'm perfectly fine having my own life and staying myself.
There are things I wish were better, but that's probably true of every person's experience of life. At this point, I've already put such immense effort into at least still being able to find deep satisfaction in exacting an extremely brutal retribution in the future upon those that leave me deeply disturbed, and I wouldn't give up being where I'm at for anything.
I figure a lot of people would wish they had my life actually, because it's hella better than being some pathetic jackass airhead that's sad and/or mad at life but too apathetic towards life to actually do something about it to improve their headspace and life. I worked hard as fuck to turn my life of absolute shit into something I already consider consisting of greatness, and it's to the point I'd definitely rather be myself than anyone else in this world. Hands down.
Not died. Lmfao.
I live my life always doing everything in my power to have no regrets, so there's nothing that I really want to do that I can do and yet am not doing. Anything I hope to achieve, I'm doing whatever I can to achieve. Dying puts a hard stop on that, but I'm considering practical constraints as well as a lack of the knowledge that I'd be dying in the very near future, as this question intends.
If we're disregarding practical constraints and assuming I have the knowledge I'll die the next day and there's absolutely nothing I could ever do to stop it? Well, that gets kind of dark, since I wouldn't have wanted to die without fucking this world up harder and leaving a bigger mark first before dying never having felt truly deep satisfaction that would make all my immense suffering worth the struggle of overcoming. It'd kind of be a toss-up between multiple really destructive things, and I'll refrain from mentioning them, so as not to potentially end up with any further criminal charges. Needless to say, it'd involve many people dying.
I don't really fuck with politics, because for the most part, it's one giant clown fiesta shitshow filled with fakeness, manipulation, insincerity, and just overall fuckery. Unfortunately, the only good politician would be one that isn't motivated by financial gain or personal gain in general, but such person then wouldn't choose to be a politician, because it'd be a lot of stress and pressure at their own detriment.
Even fucking Jesus would rather go heal blind people and turn water into wine and shit instead of be a politician, and he was supposed to be the biggest martyr this world will ever see. So politics are pretty fucked unless this world undergoes some deep changes.
As for what my beliefs would be if I had to try to fit myself on the political spectrum, I'm pretty sure I'd be really moderate.
I tend to focus on practical implications, so it wouldn't make a difference to me either way.
If we aren't the most advanced species, then there must be a good reason that the most advanced species either doesn't know we exist or hasn't cared for making contact with us in a way where their existence is made apparent and widely known. If such a species exists, the reason their existence isn't widely known and accepted is probably because they're not all that much more advanced than we are. Put a few bullets in their head and they probably still die. In that case, they're no particular threat to me or my plans to do quantum energy harvesting meditation in isolation and rule this shitty planet.
Humans are already trying to enslave each other, and I consider the attempts of the giant conglomerates and powerful influential spearheads, both in and out of the public eye, to be a much greater threat than any other species.
As far as I'm concerned, objective reality is god, so my existence within that context is inherently irrefutable evidence that god exists.
If you mean to say god as in an insanely powerful, exceptionally supernaturally capable physical entity I can interact with using at least one form of sensory perception, then this question has at least some kind of meaning. As far as I'm concerned, a lack of irrefutable evidence of such a being existing is irrefutable evidence that they don't. The closest thing to such a being that I can fathom would be me after a few years of intense quantum energy harvesting meditation in isolation.
There's so much that's so fucked up with this world that I absolutely refuse to believe such a being both exists and is perfectly fine allowing the world to proceed the way that it is without making their presence clearly and widely known. If I'm wrong, god come pay me a visit and make your existence known to me, because otherwise, I'm going to fucking destroy your planet because of one extremely fucked up woman.
If I somehow did get paid a visit from the physical manifestation of such an almighty being, I'm certain he wouldn't suggest to me that I should abandon all notions of self-respect and commit suicide for the benefit of the pieces of shit that tried to drive me to it, so I guess I'd have to simply respect that being's wishes and not destroy the world in the future, just exact my extremely brutal retribution on those that deeply wronged me, and then do my thing away from society and only end the life of any being that attempts or intends to attempt to end my life or deeply disturb me in one way or another.
I definitely would.
I suppose a life lived never experiencing suffering from the moment of birth would perhaps not feel worthwhile, since you wouldn't have any low point(s) to compare the higher point(s) and utopian-like perpetual euphoria to in order to really be able to appreciate it for all of its glory. I also suppose that a rather tame experience of suffering, which is what most people in the world (at least in today's day and age) experience, wouldn't facilitate you seeking more out of life, which also might lead to a life that doesn't feel worthwhile.
However, once you've experienced such immense depths of extremely extended length, extremely deep, extremely unrewarding-to-tolerate brutal suffering to the kind of extent that I have, suffering doesn't help you at all and only hurts you, directly attacking your desire to live. It becomes like a disability; like being mentally challenged, except you're existentially challenged.
I fucking hate being existentially challenged. That's why I'm going to absolutely fucking ravage the life of every person that very significantly contributes to me being in that state. Then at least being forced to endure so much deeply harmful pain can feel at least somewhat worth it.
The popular phrase "Mind over matter" is meant to refer to the fact that the reality you're faced with can result in you forming self-limiting beliefs, which will result in your beliefs absolutely forming the reality you're believing in, or you can believe in greater potential for yourself, and that belief can result in actions that allow you to exceed or break out of limitations that you may have thought you had.
You can use sensory perception to perceive matter, but without the fundamental sense of cognition, that would be meaningless. You can use your brain to imagine many things, but without sufficient groundedness to formulate a method to bring those thoughts into reality, it is only fantasy. Excessive confidence in things imagined but not calculated towards materializing becomes delusion.
The reality is that mind and matter are both equally real; the challenge is properly processing that equivalency of weight in everything that one encounters in their cognition. I believe that both materialism and spirituality are equally important if you want to have a truly satisfying and unbreakable frame of reality with which you perceive the world.
I don't, unless I give a shit enough about myself to impose myself upon this shitty world. It appears that the world would be happier if I committed suicide instead of going after what I want. But you know what? Fuck the world. Fuck every single bit of it. I matter because I want to matter and I think I deserve to matter. That's good enough for me. This whole fucking trash world can burn in one huge dumpster fire it's creating for itself if it doesn't like it.
I'll redefine what it means for someone to "burn in hell". Hell, meet Satan. She's already met you long ago. You need to learn some fucking respect, you piece of shit.
Permanent Chief of the Shadow Confederation with a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension.
I suppose it sounds like a string of buzzwords or something to most people, but most people are fucking mentally ill jackass airheads with massive egos that are severely in denial and ignorance towards the truth.
There's no better way for me to describe myself, and for anyone that thinks my explanation of myself is a bunch of pretentious bullshit, well, I wrote a fucking 500 page book about what those words mean, threatened to single-handedly destroy the world while explicitly threatening in graphic detail to kill several specific people, most of which were celebrities, got psychologically evaluated by multiple licensed mental health professionals on court order, and had those individuals shaken at my existence, telling me they were honored to meet me and asking me not to have them cleaned up by the Shadow Confederation by the time I was done with them.
Could you do that? No. Exactly. So shut the fuck up, sit the fuck down, and learn a thing or two, you fucking clown.
People that think I'm a pretentious delusional moron can take that shit they're trying to give me and shove it back up their pretentious delusional moronic ass. If you're one of those people, you should take a look at what psychological projection is.
Psychological projection is a defense mechanism in which the ego defends itself against unconscious impulses or qualities (both positive and negative) by denying their existence in themselves and attributing them to others. A bully may project their own feelings of vulnerability onto the target, or a person who is confused may project feelings of confusion and inadequacy onto other people. Projection incorporates blame shifting and can manifest as shame dumping. Projection has been described as an early phase of introjection.
In psychoanalysis, introjection refers to an unconscious process wherein one takes components of another person's identity, such as feelings, experiences and cognitive functioning, and transfers them inside themselves, making such experiences part of their new psychic structure. These components are obliterated from consciousness (splitting), perceived in someone else (projection), and then experienced and performed (i.e., introjected) by that other person. Cognate concepts are identification, incorporation and internalization. It is considered a self-stabilizing defense mechanism used when there is a lack of full psychological contact between a child and the adults providing that child's psychological needs. Here, it provides the illusion of maintaining relationship but at the expense of a loss of self. To use a simple example, a person who picks up traits from their friends is introjecting. Projection has been described as an early phase of introjection. Introjection is involved in gaslighting.
Splitting (also called black-and-white thinking or all-or-nothing thinking) is the failure in a person's thinking to bring together the dichotomy of both positive and negative qualities of the self and others into a cohesive, realistic whole. It is a common defense mechanism. The individual tends to think in extremes (i.e., an individual's actions and motivations are all good or all bad with no middle ground).
Your irritating psychological defense mechanism attempting to gaslight me doesn't change reality, dipshit. Fuck you too.
Basically, all you're really doing is showing me that your parents didn't raise you right. Not surprising. They're probably dipshits too. Not surprising either.
To have plenty sufficient money to live a comfortable life and then some, while not to any extent sacrificing anything or your ability to obtain anything that money can't buy.
True inner peace, true satisfaction, and true love.
Basically, all the most valuable things in life worth having and keeping. Only deep personal character development can ever hope to achieve acquisition of those things. If you're willing to go through the intense struggle to achieve those, money will follow sooner or later, one way or another.
Well, if Kimi won't be with me, I'll be meditating in isolation, so all the money in the world wouldn't really mean much. I certainly wouldn't call myself rich right now, but I have enough money to go into isolation comfortably and meditate as long as I need to in order to follow through with exacting The Great Retribution, and don't particularly feel like I need to strive for any more. As such, let's assume the crazy situation where Kimi does be with me, so I can give what most people would perhaps consider a more meaningful answer to this question.
Well, besides the essentials of like a nice house and furniture for it and shit...
Definitely get myself a godly PC, laptop, and phone...
I'd pay a small group of people to form the core team behind development of the world's godliest online multi-genre game, building on the code and design concepts I've already fleshed out throughout several years in the unreleased project I developed, working closely with them to make sure I'm happy with the direction of the progress. I'd also put a ton of money into Linux development, so I could facilitate the creation of a godly OS better than Windows and Mac in every way, but completely free and open source.
I'd obviously ask Kimi what she wants, and probably get most if not all of that shit for her...
If I had friends, I guess I'd ask them what shit they want and probably get a bunch of that for them...
Beyond that, I don't really know. Money isn't really a big thing for me. It never has been. I can appreciate the value of having some money, but I don't fantasize about being rich or anything like that. There's not much I want that money can buy. Most of the things I want out of life, money cannot buy, and I either already have them, have a clear plan where money is essentially irrelevant within which I can and probably am already currently working towards actively to eventually obtain them, or I'll probably never obtain them.
I take a step back from life and ask myself a few questions.
I honestly reflect on my attitude and behavior and what I'm doing with myself, and after I make sure my answer to all of the above questions is a resounding very confident "Fuck no, and I'll fucking destroy anyone that wants to seriously challenge me, without mercy", then I feel at peace. Absolute fucking serenity. Feels good, man.
Then I continue being an absolute savage in the highest capacity.
Above all, a sense of deep inner peace. Everything else permeates from that. Achieving goals I set. Maintaining my drive for greatness. Experiencing things I enjoy experiencing. Living my life with no regrets.
Ideally, also finding and keeping deep and true love, but I won't kill myself if I can't achieve that; I'll just extremely deeply resent humanity and become an extremely heartless brutal dictator of the world. Since that's much more in Kimi's hands than mine at this point, you could say Kimi in part gives my life meaning.
Things will DEFINITELY get MUCH worse if humanity focuses on what's going well rather than what's going wrong.
On a grand scale, negative reinforcement is DEFINITELY MUCH more effective for creating change. Patting humanity on the back for its mass ignorance and arrogance will only result in the shitty people with influence retaining and reinforcing that influence, making the world an even shittier place. Which has been what's going on.
The news only hand-picks what it chooses to bring focus to among the things that are going wrong in the world, and when it does, the way it does it, it's often tailored to leave people afraid and too paralyzed, apathetic, or emotionally imbalanced to actually do the right things about it.
I mean come the fuck on, some stupid prick fucking sneezing on someone else in an elevator makes it on TV because of the COVID-19 pandemic, but my fucking huge book that ultimately catalyzed the Shadow Confederation's release of the virus is consciously suppressed by news outlets and powerful figures that ultimately give ultimatums to the news outlets and dictate the constraints they operate within. What a fucking shitty circus this world is.
If people start realizing how shitty they really are, maybe they'll change. Or kill themselves and rid the world of one of its cancers. Both work. You're either a part of the solution or a part of the problem.
If I really want to do something, I FUCKING DO IT!! I know it doesn't necessarily mean I'll achieve what I set out to do, but you can sure as hell bet I'll give it 110%, and if it really matters to me, I'll sacrifice a shitton of time, energy, and other resources in order to do everything in my power to maximize the possibility for success. If I still fail, then I'll deal with that failure and the deeply disturbing resulting state accordingly, and I'll still come out a fucking savage or die trying.
At this point in my life, before completing and posting the final update to my book, it was doing that which was my primary focus. Afterwards, it's waiting a little while to see if Kimi's sober enough to treat me properly so her and ultimately the rest of this world don't get fucking destroyed. After that, either I get a happy life with Kimi, or I end up meditating in isolation and then eventually exacting my extremely brutal retribution. After that, who cares?
I have nothing to lose. Nothing I really care about anyways. I have no fear. Everyone has problems, but my problems aren't worth continuing to live in society with any remotely positive intentions to attempt to solve. There is no solution if I can't have Kimi. The solution becomes accepting there is no solution and I should just embrace becoming the absolute worst monster I can be with the entirety of my mind, heart, and soul.
And I'll fucking do it. No cap. Watch me.
L M F A O. I seriously question my sanity every single day.
I didn't become so terrifyingly grounded to the point that licensed mental health professionals psychologically evaluating me on court order are calling our talks lectures and my book homework as they fear for their lives, without often seriously questioning my sanity. Other people have seriously questioned my sanity since I was a child, right from my own parents ruthlessly and relentlessly trying to gaslight me that I'm insane just about every single day I had to deal with their fuckery.
In the past, I questioned my sanity because I recognized that even if I knew in my heart that I was indeed correct and grounded in certain views, I still felt deeply unsettled that my ability to objectively quantify that in a way that no sane individual could truly refute was severely lacking. These days, I only question my sanity to use it as fuel to feed the extremely deep perpetual hatred that I'll feel extremely justified in possessing and acting upon if I don't get what I deserve even after all my immense efforts to have the kind of relationship with Kimi that I've wanted for so long.
My maturity is both my strongest and weakest quality.
It's strongest because it clearly permeates everything else in my life and is the reason I'm not already dead. It's the weakest sometimes because my often very serious attitude can be seen by others and some people want to manipulate and take advantage of me and my maturity makes me inclined to give them chances when I probably shouldn't.
I tend to try to see the best in people, even when it's not there. It can be quite disheartening at times.
Passive-aggressiveness. Fakeness. Genuinely malicious immaturity. Arrogance. Ignorance. Lack of love in my life. Lack of frequent sexual release.
The last thing I can take care of myself if I have to, but the other stuff is so stupidly fucking abundant in this shitty world that it's far from a surprise to me that I want to absolutely fuck this world up.
Well, the darkest thoughts I've ever had, I've pretty much theatrically showcased in the initial release of this book.
Dark, sure, but I'd say they're actually quite tame compared to the severely fucked up kind of shit that many people in this world have thought (and acted upon even!). Yes, having a very distinct and severe lack of love in my life leaves me deeply disturbed and wanting to deeply devastate those who are the primary contributors to that deep perpetual pain! If you think I'm a bad person or in the wrong for feeling and being this way, then you're not only an extremely pretentious jackass airhead, but you're also severely lacking in empathy and probably a psychopath/sociopath.
I'm a real as fuck motherfucker and you best believe I'm not some clown or pussy, and as such, I haven't had any dark thoughts I've never told anyone. This is simply because if I experience dark thoughts, I know there's a good reason, and I don't revel in some kind of weird glory of having such thoughts, but rather I attempt to tackle the root and rip them out of my head so I can focus on more healthy things.
Whether I'll be able to successfully do so or not given my current extremely brutal life circumstances, however... Well, that's to some extent beyond my control at this point... Will Kimi ever truly recognize and properly act upon the understanding that I put myself through such hell to try to make clear to her and those around her? I have no clue, but I'm about to finally find out!
I push myself to my limits every single day.
Usually, it's primarily mentally, but it can be physically too if it's necessary. You can't be the greatest version of yourself if you aren't driven to push yourself to see that greatness you have the potential for every day, one day at a time. You can't really appreciate life if you aren't striving for greatness. If you're not pushing yourself to your limits often, you're not really pushing yourself much at all. If you're not really pushing yourself, then you're taking your existence for granted by being willing to settle for mediocrity and being a sheep herded by the fucked up control system that the giants in this world have setup for you to get ensnared within.
I actually give a shit about my life, so I'll push hard as fuck unapologetically. Sorry not sorry.
When I was a child, I was extremely stupid, weak, and immature. All very undesirable qualities. Getting older made me a much better and more powerful person.
Granted, it's reached the point where I'm far too good for this shitty world, but that's not my fault or the fault of the qualities I've refined, so I still retain extremely deep appreciation for the growth I've experienced. Moving forward, quantum energy arts will facilitate my aging process being highly atypical, so I'm not worried about growing old and dying. My childhood was also complete shit, so I hated being a kid to begin with.
Getting older? Fuck yeah, bring it on!
When I was very young, what I saw as my ultimate biggest priority was survival. I found great importance in developing a skill I was good at and at least reasonably enjoyed, so I could get a solid job, make decent money, and survive to live a rather mediocre but decent life.
As I grew a little older into my teens and early adult years, the focus shifted into genuinely enjoying and being passionate about what I do, and thriving, truly happy to live every day to what was its fullest for me, rather than simply surviving. After years of very intense and dedicated effort, I reached a point where great success was a clear reality I saw very much within reach for me.
After having to deal with some seriously fucked up circumstances and people where I was suppressed and sabotaged in different ways, but I still came out on top and was just as capable of still being successful, I decided it was necessary to take a step back from seeking professional success and fame and money, and really dig deep into myself for something more meaningful out of life. I came to realize that a genuine and very deep loving connection with a woman I found extremely attractive and precious was something I had to pursue before some great professional success, because otherwise, the professional success wouldn't be at all worth the effort and would actually harm my mental health more than anything else.
Now, after finding that woman but only having my heart broken time and time again in increasingly brutal ways by her and ending up in an even worse set of circumstances than before I met her, because of her and my pursuit of her, I'm quickly coming to the point where I see human connection as simply stupidity and weakness, and desire to be a positive force in the world as something the world doesn't deserve from me; without that relationship with that woman which I so clearly deserve, I'm left only wanting to deeply terrorize and destroy this shitty human race.
Extremely deep and meaningful warmth-filled love.
It's easy to look for simple love in a smile from a stranger or occasionally hanging out with friends, but I don't really give a shit for those kinds of things at this point with how much hurt and suffering I've had to endure in my life and how deeply hated I've felt and been treated by several people I've deeply cared about.
I already have a really useful skill I could make a living off of easily in multiple different ways. I already have a passion and even plenty of work put into it where I could most likely become really professionally successful and rich and famous if I chose to keep going with it. I already have an extremely deep and thorough understanding of philosophy and psychology that has brought me to a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension and the subsequent unbreakable mindset. I've already achieved a considerable amount of notoriety within the cognition of several celebrities with considerable followings and world leaders of various ranks within the Shadow Confederation.
All I need now is an extremely deep unbreakable loving connection with a woman I find extremely attractive and precious unlike any other that I know is completely irreplaceable to me and who I know I'm completely irreplaceable to, where we both share extremely deep warm feelings towards each other. The only person that I could ever have such a relationship with is Kimi. Without that, I'll just have increasingly growing resent and hatred towards humanity, driving me into isolation to meditate using my quantum energy arts knowledge, ultimately resulting in me exacting an extremely brutal retribution on those who have most hurt me, and still ultimately wishing life was so much better than it turned out to be.
You mean other than the fact that I'll probably never get the kind of relationship I want with Kimi and I probably never even had a chance?
Well, probably the main thing that I find concerning is the possibility that Kimi would pretend to love me to set me up so she can kill me or have me killed, or perhaps to ultimately humiliate me and make me want the relationship to end. I'd be lying if I said it doesn't bother me that I'm very obviously worried about the person I love by far more than anyone else I could ever love in this life seriously wanting to kill me or make a joke out of my life (or both), but I wouldn't let even this worry stop me from doing everything I can do that makes sense to me to do in order to pursue my dreams.
At the end of the day, I have a contingency plan anyways... If I'm killed by Kimi or her friends or because of being set up by her somehow, or she sets me up to humiliate the fuck out of me and ultimately destroy the relationship along with directly deeply attack my sense of self-respect, then all of her friends and family will be killed by the Shadow Confederation (or by me at the time of The Great Retribution, after meditation in isolation, if it's not a murdering me type of situation), because nobody does that to a Permanent Chief of the Shadow Confederation and simply gets away with it.
I find it quite unsettling as well the thought that Kimi might seriously think I'd want to kill her or have her killed or set her up to humiliate the fuck out of her and ruin the relationship even if she genuinely loves me and wants to make a relationship with me work. But I suppose she'd probably tell me multiple people she knows would happily kill me if she dies after we start being together and they so much as even remotely suspect I had something to do with it (which I assume would invariably be the case, the same way the Shadow Confederation would blame her if I died after starting to be with her), so she probably could cope with that concern rather well too.
I suppose it's possible these rather troubling concerns only exist because I have so much love for Kimi yet we're so distant because she hasn't been communicating with me with a truly open heart even since the very beginning. She must've been hurt quite badly in her life before she even knew I existed to be the way she is, and that alone I find quite deeply unsettling.
I really wish she'd love herself enough to start taking proper, healthy steps to start making things between us better and let us make each others' lives so much better, but it doesn't seem like she will... I think "deeply unsettling" is actually an understatement to how that makes me feel. I mean, it makes me want to fucking single-handedly destroy the entire world...
I could sit here and try to tell myself that I'm probably being paranoid in having such concerns, but that's not me. I suppose it's deeply unsettling in itself how reasonable I find these concerns to be. It extremely deeply hurts me to be so painfully aware that it really does appear that this world will be nosediving into destruction because Kimi truly is an extremely fucked up piece of shit absolutely irredeemable psychopath that will never love me even though I more than deserve her absolutely undying love and affection for the rest of her life.
That being said, I'd find it an extremely concerning red flag if Kimi were to ever even attempt to suggest that she's open to a relationship with me because she really wants to have a net positive impact in the world. I told her in absolutely no uncertain terms, very early on, that this world is fucked if I go crazy. Despite this, she appears not to have cared in the slightest to do everything in her power to drive me as crazy as she possibly could up to this point. For her to even suggest that she suddenly cares now would come off to me as a completely transparent blatant lie. If she didn't care to act like such a lunatic to act with extremely deep hatred towards me up to this point, she certainly hasn't suddenly changed now; she must've just improved her manipulation abilities such that she's at least a little less retarded in regards to what to say to appear to not be an extremely unapologetic and irredeemable psychopath.
Additionally, who the fuck would ever want to be with someone because they feel morally obligated to be with you? Fuck that. Huge hell no. If Kimi's by far primary (if not sole) reason for wanting to be with me isn't completely obvious sincere desire and attraction towards me of extremely intense strength, there's absolutely no way I'd ever even consider giving her a chance. If I ever so much as get a hint that she's being insincere regarding her feelings towards me, I will have to deeply interrogate her until either I'm satisfied she's being genuine and doesn't secretly plan to murder me or attempt to set me up to become suicidal, or I decide I can't trust her and head into isolation to prepare for an extremely brutal retribution because all hope is lost.
Beyond all that stuff, I suppose it does bother me the thought of some unhinged lunatic with severe mental illness getting their hands on a gun or knife and shooting or stabbing me out of jealousy before I'm sufficiently powerful in quantum energy arts to prevent it, if I do end up getting the kind of relationship with Kimi that I've always wanted. But I mean, most if not all really big celebrities probably worry for their safety and lives every time they step outside (or perhaps even when they're inside as well), so... I'll just figure out how I'd deal with that afterwards if I even get to be with Kimi in the first place. Definitely seems way too preemptive to worry about that at this point, since it's certainly not a concern for me unless embracing becoming extremely famous actually becomes worth it.
Nothing really scares me at this point.
If I had to try to think of something, definitely my humanity more than anything else. Most humans are weak as fuck, the notion of humanity and caring about others has definitely hurt me much more than helped me at this point, and I can only see it hurting me much further if I choose to continue embracing it much further beyond this point. Which is why I won't.
After Kimi probably continues to treat me like shit and passive-aggressively try to hate on me to the point of driving me to suicide (which she'll probably do by either starting to completely ignore the situation, continue to do things to underhandedly torment me with trying to gaslight me into thinking I have a chance if I just keep trying to pursue her, or actively try to say she wishes the best for me somehow which is fake as fuck considering the situation she knows the pursuit of her that she greatly encouraged has left me in now), my heart will grow completely cold to humanity and I'll completely wholeheartedly embrace becoming the worst monster I could ever be.
Becoming a monster certainly doesn't scare me though, because I know the world will definitely deserve it if I end up that way, and I'll have no regrets.
Perhaps the only thing that should scare me is the Secret Service, bikers, mafia, or triads trying to hunt me down and kill me in isolation so I don't start ravaging the world in the future, but even they don't scare me. The ones I met in jail knew to fear me, and I don't doubt they know to watch themselves even on road.
I'd be an absolute fool to so blatantly and fearlessly flaunt and practically theatrically showcase that I have the most powerful possible mindset with a foundation set in being as real as it gets, and then having facts or harsh truths that I consciously choose to ignore, much less ones that it's clear to me that I shouldn't.
Any mindset where someone is a hypocrite is a fundamentally weak mindset, and being a hypocrite is certainly not a quality that an individual with a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension possesses.
Just knowing I tried so hard and got so far, but in the end it didn't even matter. Queue the Linkin Park song. The sadness eventually cycles into anger, and ends up going back and forth between sadness and anger.
Curse this fucking gigantic desire for a genuine extremely deep loving warm connection with a woman I genuinely find extremely attractive and precious unlike any other.
I want it more than anything else, I put so much of myself into pursuing it, and I horribly failed in the end. Feels bad, man.
Well, actually, feels bad is a massive understatement. But there's the anger coming in again.
Well, it would've been reaching the point where I finally get to have a proper healthy relationship with Kimi, who I consider the woman of my dreams and the love of my life, but considering that it's probably delusional to even think there's any chance of that happening, I should probably just give the answer I'd give after Kimi most likely continues not to treat me properly despite the severity of the situation and even with yet another opportunity to start making things better.
I most look forward to the time of The Great Retribution, the time when all the haters and doubters, most of which are Kimi and her friends, family, and supporters of any kind, will face a fate so brutal and dark that I won't be going into it so as not to end up with any further criminal charges than I've already been faced with in the past over this matter.
Many would probably consider my answer pathetic, and I suppose it probably is, but I've had such an extremely shitty life that I have very, very few memories I would even consider "good", much less "great" or anywhere close to something I could call a favorite.
My favorite memory is the time I met Kimi and Jaime at their Toronto meetup years ago.
Jaime was very sweet, friendly, and easy to talk to and get along with, but Kimi was the one that truly stood out to me and gave me feelings nobody else had ever given me or will ever give me. Somehow, it was like we communicated so much to each other with so little words. For the first and only time in my life, I met a woman I wasn't at all afraid to completely be myself around, and the way she treated me felt so special that there was a moment where everything else in the world seemed to fade away and she was all I could see. That was something I'd never felt before and still to this day haven't ever felt again.
It was kind of worrying at the time, but any worry I felt was so overwhelmingly drowned out by the feeling of such deep love that I knew I'd never feel towards anyone else. The memory of that day remains closest to my heart just as I thought it would even as I was experiencing it. Never did I imagine that I'd end up publicly confessing my love for Kimi for the first time within a few hours after the meetup ended, yet I found myself uncontrollably compelled to do so the more I thought about her.
Just thinking about the fact that it was such a special experience for me and yet Kimi probably resents it deeply by now and wishes I never showed up... It hurts a lot.
Most people suck at thinking.
Most people settle for sucking at thinking.
I'm not like most people.
Nothing! I regret nothing!
Of the very few things in my life that I've done that perhaps aren't something to be proud of, I had very good reason for doing them, of which the reasons I was aware of before doing them. So even if they ended badly, I knew before I even did them that even in the worst case scenario, I still wouldn't regret them, because I know I'd have regretted not even trying far more than I could ever regret failing to get what I wanted out of it.
I've also been a deep thinker from a very young age, so I've pretty much always tended not to ever do anything completely impulsively and without thinking, which inherently leaves very little room for regrets as well.
I wouldn't say it's easy to live a life without regrets, but I definitely would say it's worth it. Even if I don't get to be with Kimi.
I consciously intentionally isolate myself from the world because everything else is a distraction when faced with the extremely deep relentless drive for greatness.
At first, when I was still in elementary/high school, it was holing myself up in my room whenever I wasn't at school, and spending countless hours upon hours non-stop every day improving my coding skills to the point where I became capable of coding just about anything given enough time.
Then, after dropping out of university because I learned my existing coding skills at the time already exceeded what you learn with a computer science degree, it was holing myself up in my room to spend countless hours upon hours doing game development and working through not only the coding aspect but the designing aspect of conceptualizing and building the mechanics of the world's most epic multi-genre online game.
Then, after enduring homelessness for the first time, it was holing myself up in my room to spend countless hours upon hours reflecting upon the deepest meaning and desires I have from life and eventually pursuing the only woman I could ever see serious potential to spend my life with.
I've been homeless for a few different periods in my life, and every time, even though I'm technically "outside", I pretty much completely ignore and shut out everyone and everything around me very intentionally, and focus on what my deep inner drive tells me I need to do next in life to pursue the highest extent of my greatness at any given moment.
Loneliness? I don't really feel loneliness, like, ever. I have a deep appreciation for being by myself. It's just not the most ideal way I'd like to spend my entire life.
If I don't matter enough to this world for Kimi and those around her to care, then I'll just continue to tolerate being alone, which I'm fully capable of doing, and I'll take my isolation to the next level and really shut EVERYTHING else out and just do extremely intense quantum energy harvesting meditation in isolation until I'm ready to exact my extremely brutal retribution on all those that drove me to such a cynical and hatred-filled state.
I'm not going to commit suicide, so there's only so many ways I can deal with being insanely smart and powerful and having a severe lack of love in my life. It is what it is, I guess.
Probably releasing the initial version of this book the way that I did. I completely destroyed any serious potential for following a constructive and positive path in life (or at least an even remotely rewarding one actually at all worth pursuing from my perspective) unless Kimi actually properly pursues a healthy relationship with me.
Would I do the same thing if I lived my life over? Yes. That potential was useless to me anyways when considering how empty I'd feel inside with a bunch of fame and money but resenting humanity increasingly deeply every day.
Would I do the same thing again now, after already having achieved the main goal I had set in doing so the first time of bringing the situation to a point where Kimi's finally absolutely forced to make a decision once and for all if she wants to be lovers or enemies? No. That'd just be extremely fucking retarded and unhinged.
I certainly wouldn't use the word "happy" to describe the way I feel about my life and what's missing from it. But as far as me being who I am and doing everything in my power that makes sense to pursue my greatest potential and doing everything I can to attempt to reach a point where I can say I'm happy with my life, then yeah, I'm happy with myself.
I did the very best that I could with the hand that I was dealt in life. I know how hard I busted my ass to get to where I'm at now, and how great the adversity I've overcome is, and that's certainly something that makes me feel some extent of happiness when I think about the fact that instead of being a career criminal, a drug addict, dead, or a combination of those things, I'm the ruler of the world.
Pretty much all the advice I've ever received in my life was absolute T R A S H. People thought they knew me, thought they understood my problems, thought they're remotely qualified to give me advice, thought I was asking even when I very much wasn't, and gave their shitty opinions left and right. I had to find my own ways to search for all the good (or even half-decent) answers myself in the right places.
But what I consider to definitely be one of the best pieces of advice I've seen out there? To never take advice from anyone who has not acquired the life that you want.
At this point, after how many times and how severely I've been fucked over? Finding the ability to retain enough humanity to be willing to give one final chance to Kimi even despite the fact that I'll most likely only get hurt once again even harder.
Believe me, this is THE LAST FUCKING TIME. And even then, I absolutely refuse to say a word to Kimi unless she speaks to me directly first, making it absolutely irrefutably clear to me that she wants me to communicate with her. And when I say speaks to me directly, I mean sincerely begs me with everything she's got to forgive her and be with her so she has a chance to treat me better and make things right between us instead of driving me into isolation and having The Great Retribution brought upon her and everyone associated with her (and ultimately the whole world).
I'm not going to subject myself to going in and out of jail constantly until I feel so suicidal I kill myself, for the fucking amusement of Kimi and her friends and anyone else that supports her and wants me to commit suicide for her and their benefit.
Beyond that, I don't really see anything as a challenge in life anymore. It's pretty straightforward. I either get the lifelong amazing relationship with Kimi that I deserve, or I end up exacting the extremely brutal retribution I deserve to exact upon her and everyone else that I feel like doing so to.
Or I get set up by Kimi and murdered and her and her friends and family get murdered by the Shadow Confederation after as a result. But I'm not too worried about that.
Yeah, I'd say I'm free. Freer than a bird.
It kinda sucks that I can't just disappear into the forest without having to worry about forest wardens, and even the mountains aren't necessarily unpatrolled. But I'm still overall very much capable of meditating in isolation to be able to exact my extremely brutal retribution in the future.
If I wanted to stay in society and continue game development and eventually pop off (or just use my Twitch spammer with upgrades to cause a huge drama shitstorm across the Twitch platform and become extremely notorious for that) and with that fame bring attention to my book and in doing so end Kimi's career and make all her friends look like shit, I could very well do that too. But I don't want to do that. I'd rather let Kimi bust her perfectly voluptuous ass to get even more famous before I take it all away from her that much more brutally at the time of The Great Retribution.
The world's my oyster as far as I'm concerned. Living in a first world country feels good, man.
Only not doing my absolute best to reach my highest potential for greatness.
Anything else I'd like to have or do in my life, I can't really regret if I fail to obtain or experience, because you can't regret not obtaining, achieving, or experiencing something that was never in your capacity to in the first place. That's why doing everything in my power to realize the extent of my capacity is so important.
I can't stand the feeling that a lack of initiative on my part for something could result in deep regret in the future, and I'm always asking myself what my true priorities are and should be and if what I'm doing in the present moment could result in regret in the future.
Fear exists as a natural biological response to danger, a survival mechanism to prevent yourself from experiencing pain. But to blindly try to prevent pain is stupid; it's only really useful for preventing severe injury or death.
If I feel fear being triggered as simply a defense mechanism from pain that isn't severely physically injuring or life-threatening, I tell myself to stop being a pussy ass bitch and fucking deal with myself.
Personal prisons built from fear? What the fuck do I look like to you, a fucking "normal" (mediocre) human being?! Nope! Guess again!
I mean, I've seriously considered suicide a couple times in my life. Those were dark days.
Once, I felt like I should just give up on everything because a piece of code I was working on just wouldn't work right no matter how hard I tried, and I couldn't for the life of me figure out what I was doing wrong. I looked over the code what felt like a million times, picking apart every single logical operation I was doing, and attempting to emulate the effects in my head alongside debugging activity and stack traces in the IDE I was using. I thought it was a sign from the universe that I should just put myself out of my misery. I eventually figured it out not very long after.
It sounds dumb, I know. It's probably hard to understand for most people. But when you do coding all day every day, and you've been at it for years and always managed to identify and solve problems rather quickly, really comprehensive efforts failing starts to really fuck with your head. I'm not sure what exactly happened there, but I guess I was just really stressed out that day or something. Needless to say, after that experience, I learned to just chill out a bit and take a little break from coding if I ever started feeling existentially challenged from my own lack of attention or logical expression evaluation ability. I've never been anywhere near as stuck with any code in my life ever since experiencing that event either.
Another time, I had ended up homeless because of my parents' abuse and lack of love for me and how my father threatened to kill me after he was done using me for revenge against my mother in a court case so I decided it was better to hit the streets than stick around where I was clearly not wanted. I was feeling really down and like I must've just never been meant to have an even remotely pleasant or rewarding life, and being homeless for the first time was presenting its own set of challenges on top that made things worse. I had multiple quite unpleasant and sometimes quite frightening experiences.
I ended up doing a bunch of drugs, a bunch of introspection, and telling myself to stop being such a pathetic loser and allow myself to become the savage that I deserve to be. I got a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension not too long after.
These days, my world isn't falling apart; it's coming together. One decisive step at a time.
Nope! Nothing that stands out at least.
There are some things I wouldn't repeat, sure, but that's different. Everything I could be seriously ashamed of, I had very good reason for doing, and I carefully evaluated those reasons before doing it. I knew before I did it that I'd severely regret if I didn't do it.
It's hard to feel ashamed of something when you know you were doing it with the best intentions in your mind, heart, and soul, and with the goal to be the best version of yourself you can be, that no sane individual should fault you for having.
When I finally got my own computer so I no longer had to regularly hop on and off like I did when sharing the family PC.
It empowered me to finally start going more ham learning coding, which was really important to me as I was already very conscious, even from a very early age, of a need for developing a skill to sustain myself with income so I wouldn't end up forced into homelessness (I felt a very distinct lack of love from my parents from a very young age, and figured I'd probably end up having to leave shortly after turning 18 if I didn't end up thrown away and put up for adoption before then like my mother regularly threatened to do to me) or struggling with an unsatisfying minimum wage job.
Yeah, my happiest childhood memory revolves around a sense of feeling a little less perpetually existentially challenged by the abuse of my parents and the stress of dealing with their constant fighting with me, my brother, and each other and their eventual divorce. Needless to say, I didn't have a happy childhood.
Most people wish they could be a kid again. I couldn't be more relieved to finally be an adult that actually knows what the fuck they're doing with themselves in the world. Being a child is shit. You're stupid and weak as fuck.
Depends who it is and what they might be doing or attempting to do to actively suppress my success.
If it's just some jackass that simply thinks and hopes I'll fail because it'd make them feel more secure in their own success and/or facilitate them stroking their ego out of jealousy or something, I simply continue to work hard on whatever endeavor I'm pursuing and prove them wrong.
If they're taking steps to more actively suppress me, then I more actively fucking fight back. Queue the NEFFEX song.
Peer pressure? Me?
Maybe in elementary school, I felt some pressure to be "cool" and fit in, instead of isolating myself and walking around the corners of the field or curling up in a ball in my jacket and playing Game Boy Advance SP in secret because it was banned from school. But I never caved to that pressure. Fuck being "cool". I was having fun and chilling just being me, and that already meant more to me than validation from a bunch of stupid children.
In high school, I was the most popular kid in the school and had random people approach me in the hallways, ask if I am who I am, and give me high fives and thank me for the WiFi password and admin password for school computers (I hacked both), and ask if I wanted to be friends. I guess I felt a little pressure to be friends, but I stuck to the few friend groups I genuinely enjoyed being a part of and didn't spread myself out too thin.
These days, I suppose the only "peer pressure" I could feel is the pressure to commit suicide from all the people I wish I could call friends or peers but in reality I should probably already see as serious enemies.
Wait, I consider people that want me to kill myself my peers? Big yikes. It sounds even worse when I say it so bluntly like that. No wonder I want to start meditating in isolation already and absolutely ravage all of their lives in the future.
Hmm. Well, I don't think the order matters or even necessarily has an ideal, but it'd definitely have to contain a few things.
Yep, that would probably be a perfect day.
I don't care how pretentious that sounds. I always try to outdo myself. I always look for strength and drive from inside myself. I use my own standards to set the bar for everything I do. It's worked pretty well so far, I'd say. Definitely far better than I would've been off using anyone else as my primary inspiration or role model, that's for sure.
I guess that's what happens when you live such an extremely brutal life where you're perpetually deeply existentially challenged for multiple reasons from a very young age and absolutely require extreme drive for greatness active all the time to prevent yourself from wanting to fucking blow your brains out.
Free time? What's that? My time is never free; every moment is extremely precious and valuable and there's always like 20 different things I could be doing with it. I've been busting my ass non-stop pretty much ever since I decided to drop out from university before I was even 19 years old, to pursue a path in life I found much more satisfying and rewarding than the "typical" path society tries to force you to follow. For the most part, I don't take breaks unless I feel so exhausted I feel like I just need to sleep a whole day away to rest up to continue going ham as fuck, and even that doesn't happen very often.
If the question is interpreted as to mean what I do when I'm not tied up with responsibilities or a job... Well, I don't have a job, and I've only ever worked a job a few months in my life, then quit and never even considered tolerating doing so ever again; I felt like blowing my brains out every single day slaving away like that. And that was a decently well-paying programming job where I was a project lead, not some shitty minimum wage thing. I don't really have responsibilities either, since I don't have kids and never want to get any, I don't have a mortgage or loans to pay, and I have no friends or anyone that really relies on me for anything. So I guess you could say all my time is free time. Which then makes this question ask what I spend most of my time in my life doing.
Well, for most of the earlier years of my life, my answer would've been either coding or playing games. Probably moreso coding. For a good few years right after graduating high school, it was game development. In the last several years, it's been deep reflection and introspection in regards to life and the study of philopsychology, and later on after I met Kimi, trying to make my relationship with Kimi work. Since being released from jail, it's been working on what is probably the final update to this book. After Kimi probably does what amounts to laughing in my face for being so stupid as to still have even the slightest speck of hope that she's not a massive piece of shit psychopath, it's going to be quantum energy harvesting meditation in isolation until I'm ready to exact The Great Retribution. Then, it will be enjoying the fruits of my labor as intended.
Oh, did you just want to know what I spend most of my time doing right now? Sorry, I've actually already planned for eternity, not just now. I'm not shortsighted.
Definitely an ambivert.
I'd say anyone that wouldn't say they're an ambivert is probably instantly eliminated as a potential candidate for currently possessing a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension.
It's worth noting, however, that what one's personality finds ideal and what the person actually ends up finding most appropriate to experience given their life circumstances don't necessarily match. In my case, I'm so insanely intelligent and powerful to the point that others get quite frightened of me and I also don't have desire or tolerance for bullshit and fakeness, so since most people are jackass airheads and fake as fuck, I tend not to have many if any friends.
Although I don't mind being alone if I really have to be, I'd really prefer to have positive connections and have reason to have love in my heart for people instead of being left with nothing but the deepest of hatred and resent and unwavering relentless desire for extremely brutal retribution. But that's not up to me. You can't force people to love you, only deal with the reality if they don't.
Neither; I hate them both.
They're both mentally ill abusive psychopaths I never want to speak to ever again. I've already deeply analyzed the various ways in which their terrible behavior towards me fucked with me, and I pretty much never think about them unless the topic is brought up in discussion or relevant to some rhetoric I'm dealing with.
Well, it wasn't one they were trying to teach me, that's for sure. It wasn't exactly something that I learned exclusively from my (unfortunately practically exclusively negative) experiences with them. Don't let what any massive piece of shit tells you or does to you effect your own self-worth and self-respect.
If someone has blatant disregard for showing you respect, they don't deserve your respect either, and you should cut them out of your life (or worse). Pretty strong contrast with what I actually learned versus what they were trying to teach me (that I'm a useless piece of shit that will never amount to anything even significant much less great and I should beg and struggle for their acceptance and love that I'd never really get and that I'll always need them somehow so they can keep inflicting their severely toxic and abusive treatment on me which I should believe is actually very healthy and I completely deserve it because I'm so useless and pathetic and stupid), so it doesn't really surprise me that I have deep relentless hatred for the bastard and bitch that both had children for all the wrong reasons.
One thing? You think it's only ONE THING?! There are probably so many things people regularly misunderstand about me that I don't even know half of them!
At least it certainly feels that way to me.
Ah, yes. I'm still single because I've been pursuing Kimi for several years now, instead of installing Tinder and using it to get a girlfriend probably within a week, or going to bars or clubs and looking for random sluts to fuck around with, or looking around various online communities for random women to attract.
Because I'm an exceptional individual with exceptionally high standards, and Kimi is the only person I know of that's ever actually come anywhere close to those standards.
I think being single is perfectly fine, and in fact preferable to being in a mediocre, toxic, or at all unsatisfying relationship. I'd infinitely rather masturbate, bang hookers, meditate in isolation, and exact my extremely brutal retribution and enjoy the fruits of my labor for eternity afterwards, than be trapped with a woman whose constant extremely deep presence in my life doesn't absolutely fill me with joy.
Maturity, humanity, and integrity.
I'd say anyone that wouldn't say they have a very high degree of all of those things is probably instantly eliminated as a potential candidate for currently possessing a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension.
If you need it, I think there's something wrong with you.
Yes, that means I think there's something wrong with just about everyone in the world. But I'd assume it's quite obvious there actually is if you actually think about it, and that's even just regarding other less cynical sounding reasons.
Desire for love and affection should be a want, not a need. As for why it's something you should want, well, if you're smart and powerful enough not to need it, then a lack of wanting it as well will simply result in you growing extremely deep hatred and resent for humanity over time, which will likely end up in you harming many people if not ultimately significantly contributing to -- if not single-handedly -- destroying the world.
Such a thing would be a symptom of an active ego, which I don't possess. If there's a trait I can see in others that I wish I had (or had to a greater capacity), I'd fucking work on myself and make it happen, not tolerate envying it in others while being too apathetic towards life to do something proper about it.
Well, I have non-romantic love for a few people that had a considerable positive impact in my life, like NF and AK with their music. But there's nothing I've really done about it other than tell them I think they're cool and share my book with them and hope they were inspired to be more great as a result, which it seems to me at least NF has been.
Beyond that, the person I love the most in this world is Kimi, a love very much containing romantic feelings, and what have I been doing about that?
Well, as far as straight dialogue goes, she pretty much flat-out hard rejected me really early on, which I could have instantly gotten super depressed about and resigned myself to feeling extremely deep hatred and resent towards humanity for all the fuckery I'd already had to deal with before even knowing she exists and deciding it was super stupid of me to ever think she'd ever feel something special for me, silently retreating from society and meditating in isolation to become a heartless dictator of the world that only got real enjoyment from torturing people and causing chaos and destruction, but I instead decided to give loving Kimi my best shot and see what kind of person she really was and how she'd react. Maybe it was how she rejected me but never really gave a reason and was still very strangely all too receptive to my rhetoric and continued communication with her that even very early on clearly pushed a boundary well beyond being a random viewer or simply a friend.
It's been a really strange experience ever since, and despite immense difficulty, I've kept going, because she always managed to do just enough to leave me feeling like she had increasingly deep feelings for me and she secretly deeply appreciated my efforts. Even now, just about anyone would tell me to just give up already and stop being so delusional, but I'm still at a point where in my heart, I know I have to try a little harder before deciding it's truly futile and I should give up and become the most heartless monster this world will ever see or know. That's why I've made this considerable update to this book.
I'll know soon enough if all my efforts throughout these years has been worth it or if I really was being extremely delusional in thinking I had any potential at a fate that wasn't extremely dark and filled with extremely deep hatred and destruction. So the short answer is... I'm doing absolutely everything within my power that makes any real sense to do.
What incentive do I really have to want to please ANYONE else? Further torture and underhanded pressure to commit suicide for others' benefit? Do I look like the fucking second coming of Jesus to you or some shit? Wrong! Guess again, dipshit.
I'll give you a hint. I'M SATAN, AND YOU'RE A CORPSE THAT DOESN'T KNOW THEY'RE DEAD YET.
I don't think you should spend your life trying to please others, as long as deep in your heart, you're a good-natured person with good intentions. By pleasing yourself, you can be the best version of yourself for others too.
Even the best of people can be driven to be the worst if they're pushed hard enough by shitty enough people, and having the self-respect to not let yourself get lost in the judgements of others and act incongruent with who you really are is a frame of reality no sane individual can fault you for having.
Retribution is a dish best served refined to perfection.
Friends? What are those? I don't need that shit.
All I need is myself, and you damn well bet I trust myself hella hard with my life. Wouldn't trust anyone else more. Most people would probably murder me if the price was right; no friends means no worries about being backstabbed.
Human connection is weakness, as they say in the Shadow Confederation.
Nope! Sex is too good.
But practically speaking, I'd just say I won't tolerate being forced to pick. If my lover isn't also my best friend, I don't want that relationship.
If I'm not best friends with someone I'm very intimate with, how are they any different from an expensive hooker that I'm just consistently picking over the other hookers out there? I'm not going to be with someone if I feel like they're just a whore I'm picking over other whores that don't feel like banging me for as cheap as she is or whatever.
Did I mention I have high standards? Well, I'm saying it again. I have high standards.
And friendship in general? Well, I have no active ego, so I don't need validation from any friend(s), and if I don't have meaningful love in my life, I'm all too content isolating myself completely and becoming a heartless ruler of the world, because I don't really ever feel loneliness. So friendship isn't some amazing thing for me anyways without a partner that's already also my best friend.
Lost as in they died or lost as in one or both of us cut the other out or naturally drifted apart?
Never had someone I'd really call close die on me, but cutting people out and drifting apart definitely happened.
I don't really give a shit about any of those people anymore though.
I consider Kimi extremely close to me, though, and losing her in any sense... If I ever even "had" her... I'm not going to be okay at all. I know that for sure.
I mean... First sight? I think you can fall in love with someone rather quickly, but if you just look at someone and think they're really hot and suddenly you're "in love" with them... I don't think you know what love is. That's just lust.
At first sight, you don't know jack shit about the person; how the fuck can you already love them? Even if you know a bit about them, that's still not love. Love has depth. Just looking at appearances and even possibly other shallow knowledge about that person cannot be love. You have to actually have some idea of their character at least.
Like, when I first found Kimi's stream, I didn't instantly fall in love with her; I just thought she looked gorgeous and appeared to have a vibrant personality. When I first started talking in her chat and became a part of her community, even then, I didn't fall in love with her; I was just having fun and enjoying watching a really pretty girl play games and talk about random stuff.
Only after talking in every stream she did for nearly a month, during which I asked her some important questions to try to get to know her, and also observed her behavior and responses to questions other people asked her, and then ultimately ended up meeting her in person and having both of us leave quite a fiery first impression on each other, did I end up falling in love with her.
Okay, to be honest, it was more like I plummeted. But you get the point.
I mean, I went to that meetup intentionally really scuffed... Hair a mess, teeth not brushed, shitty homeless clothing... I acted super loud and ecstatic and obnoxious on purpose... I wanted to look like I didn't give the slightest flying fuck if Kimi found me at all appealing or attractive, and even figured I might as well sabotage my chances so at least I couldn't somehow get humiliated hard as fuck for looking like I care. I thought she'd definitely not give me any significant amount of attention, or only to try to humiliate me, so it'd just be best if I appeared not to want it either, since I felt quite certain I never had a real chance at the kind of extremely deep and meaningful lifelong connection I already deeply desired with her anyways.
I was definitely not expecting her to come right up to me and hug me right away how she did, seem jealous the whole time that I was giving Jaime a bunch of attention and not her, and ultimately wait to see where I'd sit when we went to eat and sit right in front of me immediately after... And even though I was pretty brutal to her, basically in a very polite way calling her a selfish bitch, she didn't demand I leave, and by the end of the meetup, she hugged me again and told me she'd never forget me...
Ironically, I ended up trying even much harder than simply brushing my teeth, cleaning my hair up, or wearing decent clothes, and have now gotten fucked over in a much more severe way.
Now, hatred at first sight? Oh man, that's every person I ever see. No cap.
In order to truly be loved by someone, you have to love both yourself and that person enough to allow the person to love you. In order to truly love someone else, you must first have an accurate understanding of what love even is, as well as truly love yourself. So anyone that picks a side doesn't really understand what love is.
Most people think love is wanting to see someone happy even if it comes at the detriment of yourself, so it's no surprise that most people would probably pick a side and attempt to rationalize why their decision is a good one. This is one of many prime examples of how binary thinking can be and is severely detrimental on a wide scale in today's society.
So much massive fuckery happens under the guise of "love", which in reality is simply a mentally ill individual's severely warped perception of hatred. Romanticizing martyring yourself can only be interpreted by any truly sane individual as a manifestation of self-hatred rooted in active ego, and the ultimate result, regardless of the individual's wishes, will be hatred of the person or thing supposedly "loved". This is why most relationships don't work.
Real love isn't some Romeo and Juliet bullshit. Real love is an unbreakable bond between two people. If you're romanticizing martyring yourself, then you're forming a foundation for a relationship that's headed towards breaking. You're working against reality to make the relationship work, as opposed to working with it. Someone that really understands love and really loves you wouldn't expect you to do such a stupid thing.
Speaking of which, that's another really fucked up common misconception. People think loving someone means you're willing to do stupid shit in the name of love. Being careful and acting with calculated intent in a relationship doesn't necessarily mean you're fake or a thrill-seeking psychopath/sociopath without real regard for the other person's well-being; it just means you're not a fucking retard. Someone that really loves you isn't going to try to convince or manipulate you into believing you have to act stupid to convince them you love them, and they'd expect the same kind of respect from you towards them. Any relationship where even one (and certainly if both) of the individuals involved are being convinced somehow into acting stupid in the name of love is going to invariably be a fundamentally toxic relationship destined for failure.
Do you see me saying Kimi should find it romantic to sacrifice her career so I can be successful? Fuck no! Because I actually understand love and I actually love her. Even if she wanted to sacrifice her career for me, I'd tell her not to. If Kimi ultimately rejects me, decides to retreat from her career, and I get a ton of attention, I'm still abandoning everything, no matter how much attention I may get, and going into isolation to prepare for exacting my extremely brutal retribution. I don't give a flying fuck about fame without having Kimi. I haven't been trying to bring her down to get ahead. That's not romantic, that's being a fucking piece of shit.
Now, the fact that her sanity will invariably be extremely negatively effected if she doesn't absolutely completely irrefutably clearly throw herself at me in the very near future before I truly completely give up all hope on anything ever resembling a healthy relationship with her and therefore ultimately all of humanity is a separate issue, and one that isn't a romantic thing, but rather a reality thing which I will have absolutely zero sympathy towards her or anyone else for. I warned her about it early on and constantly reiterated that I don't want her making stupid choices, so I haven't ever been expecting her to be stupid in continuing to give me attention and leave me under the impression she was greatly enjoying the attention I was giving her. Anyone that isn't actively encouraging her to throw herself at me is effectively supporting her extremely destructive choice to not do so, and is enabling her to catalyze the destruction of all of their lives and many others. They will get what they're asking for.
Kimi knows what kinds of really positive effects being with her would have in my life, and pushing me to keep trying to show her I want it, even being willing to do theatrical shit sometimes to really solidify my desire towards her with calculated intent, isn't really expecting me to be stupid in the name of love for her either. She knows this, and she knows I know this. I very explicitly told her very early on that she's extremely precious to me and I'm an extremely powerful person to the point that this world is fucked if I start going crazy falling massively in love with her yet not getting to be with her forever. Obviously, someone claiming to have that much power and simultaneously boldly proclaiming they have an extremely strong mindset is a person that is calculating every move they make when pursuing her.
The foundation of our connection isn't toxic; the outcome is just negative because Kimi is being extremely stupid and suicidal against my wishes, probably because she sees it as "easier" than doing what's right and will definitely lead to a much better life for her and everyone else in the long-term. Shortsightedness kills.
A healthy relationship must have deep understanding, compassion, forgiveness, ability to communicate clearly and effectively in a productive manner, sexual attraction (physical chemistry?), lifestyle compatibility, emotional compatibility, at least some degree of intellectual compatibility...
There are actually quite a few things that must be not only present but very strong, and they have to stay strong even as time passes, ideally only becoming even stronger. Just like a healthy mindset has to be fortified and grounded to the point of being unbreakable, a healthy relationship must be nourished and managed to the point of being unbreakable to be truly healthy and lasting.
Hmm. Well, I have such insanely high standards that I've never been in a relationship even though I've had multiple opportunities with multiple women that have quite clearly shown me attraction in different ways. After finding someone that actually comes reasonably close to what I'm looking for, I can't really say anything is a "deal breaker" with such a person. As long as she's willing to genuinely keep trying her best to make the relationship work, I'd also do the same.
Unless she's truly an absolutely irredeemable psychopath piece of shit that has no real awareness or willingness to truly accept and properly act upon reasonable boundaries. In that case, into isolation I go...
Nope! Both! You can't make me pick one! I'd rather be single forever!
A girl has to look gorgeous even without makeup and she also has to have considerable mental fortitude for me to consider a relationship with her even remotely viable. That doesn't necessarily mean she has to have a super high IQ and know a bunch of random shit... But she has to have a high degree of emotional awareness and at the least a considerable willingness to learn and grow as a mature individual and want greatness out of life.
If by "brains" you mean being exceptionally intelligent in for example math or science... Then definitely looks. I'm not staring at and playing with a woman's calculus ability or her physics formulas when we're having sex... Or any other time, for that matter. Hello?
I mean... It depends.
If the cheating is a clear indication that she's trying to destroy the relationship or set a fucked up foundation for it where it makes far too much sense for me to believe she plans to ultimately destroy it in the future, then it's a serious problem. If she thinks it's acceptable, maybe she's even crazy enough to think it's preferable behavior, and that's not okay with me. Such a person would have to be extremely fucked up and sadistic to the point where I can't imagine them ever having a truly healthy romantic relationship with anyone...
If it was somehow a really stupid accident and she's deeply remorseful and it doesn't continue to happen, then I wouldn't be able to find it in my heart to hate her for it and abandon the relationship over it. Given my really high standards and the fact that Kimi's the only person in the world I'd ever be with, she's definitely precious enough to me that I couldn't leave her unless she's really fucked up and sadistic to the point of expecting me to tolerate or perhaps even enjoy being cheated on regularly... In that case, into isolation I go...
Depends, I guess. I don't really see why we'd have to share our passwords with each other. I suppose it might end up happening after being together long enough? It'd probably have to be quite some time...
It isn't really something that bothers me, nor would I imagine it bothering someone I'd be with either. I'd never pressure my partner to share her passwords for anything with me, and I'd expect the same courtesy and respect from her.
When they know themselves very well and know the person they intend to marry very well.
The exact way that can happen can vary considerably, I'd say. The most important point here is considering the difference between someone thinking they know themselves and/or the other person very well, and that actually being the case.
For me personally, I'd imagine at the very least:
I would proceed to not give the slightest of fucks.
I know I have extremely high standards and heavily evaluate the character of any person I'd even consider dating, and I'm certain my ability to objectively evaluate someone's character is greatly superior to that of my parents'.
At the end of the day, it's ME that's choosing to commit to spending my life with someone if I marry them, not my parents. So it's MY decision to make, not theirs.
Besides, my parents are extremely fucked up psychopaths, so they'd probably inherently hate on ANY person I like, purely because if I find someone, then I'm much more likely to be much happier and feel fulfilled in life, and they never wanted that for me. I cut them out of my life and don't even talk to them, so I don't know what they'd think, nor do I want to know.
I certainly think it's possible for some people, but I definitely don't think it could ever be possible for me personally.
I've had best friends that were female, but I was the one that ultimately chose never to date them even though they usually showed interest in it on multiple occasions in different ways. Ultimately, we ended up drifting apart. Since I've never been in a relationship, I can't say I've ever stayed friends with an ex which I've never had.
I imagine I wouldn't, though. If I like a woman so greatly to the point that I do end up dating her, then I see that relationship extremely seriously and definitely intend on marrying her and spending my life with her. If it doesn't work, then she must've acted really fucked up to completely stop trying and make it end, and I'm sure I'd deeply resent her for doing so, so we'd probably end up the worst of enemies.
I've never even actually dated Kimi, I don't know if you could ever even really call us friends, and this is still the kind of situation I have with her. And she actually constantly pushed and encouraged for things to end up this way. What the fuck. Our connection is really fucking weird. Oh well.
Well, I've had plenty of female friends that were just friends and not "best friends", and I genuinely didn't want to date them or even sleep with them in general.
In the past, any woman I could consider a "best friend", I found considerably physically attractive and I had at least some considerable desire to sleep with her, even if I ended up never doing so because I have very high standards and never saw her as wife material and therefore never pursued a romantic relationship with her.
These days, I feel like if it reaches the point where I'm "best friends" with a woman, either she's my girlfriend/future wife, or she's best friends with my girlfriend/future wife and would be considered one of my "best friends" after my girlfriend/future wife. If she's my girl, then obviously we're sleeping together often. If she's not, then obviously we're not sleeping together ever (I would reject her even if she came onto me).
I have no problems with any of this.
Huh... I don't know...?
I'm not the type that leads people on, and I've never been explicitly confessed to, so I've never had to explicitly reject someone I knew for certain wanted to be with me. I've never been in a relationship, so I've never broken up with a woman either.
Perhaps some of the women that expressed desire to be with me in different ways may have felt heartbroken that I never ended up asking them out, but I don't know at what point(s) they may have felt heartbroken, since it's not like any of them have hit me up to tell me so (and I'm glad about that).
I can say for certain that I've never done it intentionally to be cruel (some kind of sadistic shit) nor out of any extent of enjoying denial or humiliation (some kind of masochistic shit). If I've ever broken someone's heart, it's because she must've wanted to be with me a lot more than she ever made very clear, and I never saw her as wife material anyways so I never cared enough to want to take the initiative to ask her out first and see where it goes.
If I find someone I love so deeply and find so extremely attractive and precious that I actually seriously want to be with them, then I don't see why I wouldn't move for such an amazing person if she wanted me to. I have nothing specifically tying me down to any one location in this world, so I'd never let my partner's preference of location get in the way of our love.
Okay, maybe I wouldn't move if she wanted me to move to a third world country or one run by a dictatorship... But any first world country is probably acceptable.
If I have some kind of romantic connection with a woman to the point where she's so precious and attractive to me that I actually pursue dating her to the point we end up together at all, either we end up together in an extremely deep loving connection filled with warmth and it lasts forever, or it doesn't work out and we become the worst of enemies and things end extremely badly for this world.
At this point, as far as I'm concerned, Kimi tried to drive me to suicide purely for her own extremely selfish, short-sighted benefit. And failed. Miserably. I've never even once seriously considered committing suicide over anything she's put me through, nor will I ever. But that's purely through the sheer strength of my mindset and character, and against all odds of what her and her friends, family, and supporters' actions and the likely intentions behind them were.
I have plenty of reason to extremely deeply hate her and unconditionally want to do everything in my power to ruin her relationships with everyone she knows, ultimately ruin her life, and try to drive her to suicide, like she tried to do to me. And not only would I have plenty of reason to believe she completely deserves it and feel absolutely no sympathy for her even if she ultimately did as a result of the actions I could take to fuck her up royally, I very well think I could probably even ultimately succeed at destroying her like that, if I really wanted to.
I think she's had some awareness to this fact even before I came out of jail and made this update to my book, and I'd imagine that awareness would only become considerably amplified now that I have.
Despite what most would probably do in my position... Because I sincerely love her extremely deeply and have pursued her truly trying to see the absolute best in her and dreaming that she does secretly love me extremely deeply and she isn't some completely irredeemable monster psychopath, seeing that there is still some possibility she could actually be the most amazing and precious person I could ever have the blessing of spending eternity with, I definitely want this badly enough that I'd give her a final chance to permanently drastically change the way she's treating me.
I've very clearly warned several of her friends, her manager, her roommate, and Twitch staff via e-mail of the extreme severity of the situation and the very limited but also very reasonable period of time I'm willing to give her to start making this drastic change and directly reach out to me via e-mail begging for forgiveness and telling me she extremely deeply loves me and wants to spend her life with me. I have very clear evidence of this, and if she ever attempts to slander me and assert (or even so much as imply) that I'm a piece of shit and switched sides after acquiring some quite shocking information about her, I will not hesitate to absolutely destroy her in public.
Consider this my very much public warning, on top of the one I've given to her people in private.
A very considerable part of the reason why I feel right and confident in giving Kimi this final chance is I know how insanely significant this kindness would be to her and everyone else in her life, and how extremely painfully clearly they'd all be forced to see that this kindness isn't to even the slightest degree any kind of indication of weakness, but rather greater strength than probably anyone else any of them will ever meet in their lifetimes. Essentially choosing to save Kimi's life, despite what she and everyone associated with her has put me through, means they have to accept that they were all severely wrong in their extremely inaccurate judgements of me. This should also change how they feel about me as well, to a much more favorable perspective.
I mean, if I'd have no hesitation to give Kimi a second chance under the right circumstances even if she fucking cheated on me, she'd have to be EXTREMELY fucked up somehow for me to not be willing to give her a second chance after some other kind of fuck up she might do. I will soon learn if she is indeed that fucked up or not.
While I have to be able to see my partner as my best friend, a friendship is very clearly not all I want from that person! Without frequent intimacy, I can't see any relationship I'd ever have to be even remotely successful, no matter who it's with; I've known this with absolute conviction before ever even knowing Kimi exists. I have a huge sex drive, after all, and if I'm just left by myself touching myself often because my partner doesn't want to engage in intimacy with me, I'm going to end up resentful and unhappy with her, and she's probably going to end up jealous of whoever I'm touching myself to whenever it's not her. One way or another, that would lead to the relationship becoming gradually increasingly toxic and eventually ending. Very badly.
I don't think me and Kimi could ever work if we're not having hours of sexual intimacy with each other every single day. And I wouldn't rather have it any other way. I'm definitely not a shallow person, but I also definitely never would've put such immense effort into pursuing her if I didn't have this as a major incentive.
I took a love languages test multiple times throughout a period of a few years, and every time my results have been the same. I'm equally balanced on physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, and acts of service, with receiving gifts being less significant than all the rest.
Sounds perfectly accurate to me.
I have very high standards. Giving gifts can have thought behind it, but it's ultimately super materialistic. All the other love languages, however, I see as all extremely and equally important to have a lot of in a healthy relationship. Considering that I don't want a relationship if it's not an exceptionally fulfilling and healthy one, the woman of my dreams I'd say would have to have the same result as I do.
Last I've known, Kimi does indeed have exactly the same result upon taking the same test I'm talking about. I'm not certain if she gives exactly the same answers to every single question that I do, but I don't think that matters too much, since it appears to work out to be equally as balanced in the end regardless.
It's always been and always will be zero. I strongly dislike children in general. It's not like some sick twisted thing; I don't have any disturbing thoughts towards children, but I certainly would rather avoid being around them if it's possible. I don't have a problem with people who want kids either, but they're definitely not for me. I think children are really stupid and annoying.
It sounds cold, perhaps. But I'm just being honest. I extremely deeply value maturity, and kids are the epitome of everything that isn't that. I can't blame them, obviously. I don't hate them for being young. I was once also young and extremely stupid and annoying. I'm sure there are plenty of people out there that think I'm still extremely stupid and annoying, but that only demonstrates a larger point. The same way I wouldn't want to be around stupid and annoying adults (RIP most of the population), I wouldn't want to be around children either, who are inherently as such.
Even still, you may argue some children can be considerably mature for their age, and can be taught maturity at a very early age. Level of maturity is only one of many reasons I personally don't ever want and couldn't ever tolerate having children.
It has nothing to do with anything like financial stability, mental stability, genetics, or any perception I have of what kind of parent I'd be. I don't want kids ever, even if I'm in a perfectly acceptable life stage for them and even if I somehow knew with some supernatural precognition ability that I'd be an excellent parent.
Why? I think it's not so hard to understand if you really put adequate thought into it.
Most people are rather mediocre. If they have children, in the vast majority of cases, their child is either a mediocre failure (or school shooter, terrorist, or severe degenerate criminal) at worst, and perhaps a little less mediocre than they are at best. If I had children, either they'd be failures because of their overall environment and society, they'd be rather mediocre, I'd be a terrible failure as anything resembling an even decently good parent, or they'd exceed to the point of being greater than I am.
None of those possibilities are things that would make me happy to see or experience being a part of at any point in their progression. The reality is that I'm far too smart, powerful, and driven towards greatness for having children to ever hold any appeal to me, and when combined with the fact that I never found any remote appeal in even the idea, even long before reaching such an exceptional state, truly shows the deep incompatibility that I have with ever having any children through any means.
If this would truly be a devastatingly breaking factor in a relationship with a woman, then that woman obviously never loved me in the first place, and if I was stupid enough to have kids with her just to try to make the relationship work, it'd definitely fail anyways. I'll forever be absolutely convinced that any woman that seriously pressures me to any extent to have children with her is planning to use them to control and abuse me and ultimately fuck my life up as hard as possible for as much benefit as she can attempt to squeeze out of me, which I'll always find absolutely unacceptable and intolerable.
So if Kimi is dead-set on having kids, into isolation I go...
This is simply my personal preference and not a matter of a correct or incorrect perspective. It's very much possible to have a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension and love children and deeply want and enjoy having children. Although I imagine in the vast majority of cases, such a person would have to be among the less exceptional and driven of such individuals, since they would have to be willing to make the trade-off of being unable to train in quantum energy arts to any degree. Having children and becoming immortal through quantum energy arts are mutually exclusive as far as I'm concerned, and one should never even begin such training while simultaneously having no intent to ultimately achieve immortality.
It's extremely dangerous to teach quantum energy arts to someone that doesn't have an existing extremely deeply fulfilling romantic relationship. If they do have one, then any such relationship where the individuals involved are capable of producing a child together, at least one of them must have been born female. Having children even once severely damages a female body's energy core, making it impossible for them to do quantum energy harvesting meditation in a capacity where they can achieve immortality (or even any significant power, really).
This is absolutely unacceptable for a life partner for myself. I can't have that person becoming a permanent liability to such a severe extent that she can never even remotely truly defend herself from this fucked up world, and additionally, I cannot have her dying on me while I'm left immortal only to masturbate and bang whores for the rest of my existence feeling deeply unsatisfied.
For the past few years, ever since I found out about them, the only artists I really listen to are NF, NEFFEX, AK, and Hopsin. Although NF is my favorite, it's hard to pick a single song of all the ones I like that I could distinctly say is my absolute favorite, as it depends on my mood. Since it's extremely hard to pick a favorite song, I'll just list a bunch of tracks I really like and listen to regularly in general.
NF - JUST LIKE YOU, TRUST, CLOUDS, THAT'S A JOKE, LOST, PAID MY DUES, WHY, NO NAME, Returns, No Excuses, Intro, Remember This, Destiny, Intro III, The Search, One Hundred, Green Lights, Warm Up, Therapy Session, Outro, Motivated, Outcast
NEFFEX - Manifest It, Born A Rockstar, How's It Supposed To Feel, Tell Me That I Can't, NO TURNING BACK, Fight Back, Failure, INSPIRED, BITE ME, Soldier, Without You, Unstoppable, Best of Me, Grateful, Coming For You, IT'S ONLY WORTH IT IF YOU WORK FOR IT, THAT'S WHAT IT TAKES, SOMETHING YOU COULD NEVER OWN
I've also really been enjoying Merkules & Hopsin - Not Like You. I find it quite interesting how the subject matter is curiously relevant to the current state of my life and there is very clearly some kind of black book type thing displayed throughout the video. Hi Merkules. Nice to not meet you. Thanks for the track, buddy.
Oh, and I don't only listen to rap; I also really like K-pop. My favorites are ITZY - WANNABE and BTS - MIC Drop. My Korean is quite unfortunately currently very limited, but I've read all the lyrics from the subtitles, and actually a very significant part of why I like these songs so much is because not only is the beat really catchy, but I also know what the meaning behind the song is and I find the meaning of these songs exceptionally powerful.
Both are amazing. They revolve around concepts critical to life (health & truth). Witty. Funny. Romance. You learn things and sometimes get to thinking about life and its depths as a result of the subject matter. If you pay careful attention and reflect, you can learn things that you can use in your life. House taught me a bunch of shit about medicine and health. Lie to Me taught me a lot about deception, detecting it in others, and handling it in mature and savage ways. Micro-expressions are so real and insanely powerful to be able to read.
Drugs are simply a tool, and like any other tool, their power is dependent on the person wielding them. The idea of a drug that unlocks your true potential to be the sharpest, smartest, greatest version of yourself you could ever possibly be is a very enticing concept that I'd contemplated on for a long time even before ever seeing this movie. I really like how the movie, while largely exaggerated, still tries to keep things quite real, with severe side-effects if you use the drug carelessly, and showing the nature of humanity in a quite raw way that also leaves you with wonder.
Many consider Modafinil to be real life NZT-48, but I personally think it's a careful combination of Methamphetamine + Noopept + Choline. To each their own, I guess.
Similar to House and Lie to Me, you can learn a lot of interesting things about life. It also contains wit, comedy, and romance. I'm not really big on anime, but I really like this one.
It also shows you that you have to be REALLY smart to kill someone and get away with it flawlessly, because there are so many factors that can leave you susceptible to getting owned. Well, of course, using advanced quantum energy arts allows you to circumvent all of this, but that's beyond the scope of the anime.
Oh man, food is awesome, so it's hard to pick a favorite. It can depend on my mood. Let's say it's a tie between pizza, poutine, Korean BBQ, sushi, and McDonald's.
Easily bubble tea (boba). Taro milk tea with tapioca.
Second to that, probably water. I definitely drink A LOT more water than bubble tea though... I'm not tryna get diabetes. I don't think doctors could recommend drinking at least 2-4 liters of bubble tea every day, or I definitely would.
Disclaimer: I don't encourage drug use. Most people use drugs for the wrong reasons and with the wrong mentality. It's possible to fuck your life up with drugs even if you aren't going into using them like a complete retard. Don't do drugs if you're a child or have the mentality of a child.
I've done many in my life, but I'd say probably a tie between weed and meth.
Everything else can have its moments, but generally I think kinda sucks. Weed is pretty nice in general, because it can function as a stimulant or a relaxant. Meth is nice because like I mentioned before, in my own private formulation with Noopept and Choline (the dosage quantities are EXTREMELY important), it acts like real life NZT-48, which I find more powerful and effective than Modafinil.
I've also tried Modafinil, but the FDA-recognized potential side-effect of your skin starting to fall off until you die was enough for me to stop using it after a while and look for something safer. I suppose you could also supplement Amphetamine (brand name Adderall) for meth, but it's much more expensive, much harder to do clandestine manufacture of, and would require higher doses to achieve comparable results as it's basically a weaker version of meth.
I like to periodically stop doing any drugs and chill completely unenhanced, because that way I never build considerable tolerance, minimize any risk of addiction, and allow myself to gauge if the last usage period had overall positive or negative effects so I can adjust my usage accordingly.
Well, my skills are probably considerable as hobbies, since I don't actively pursue making money off of them, even though I'm skilled enough at them that I definitely could with at least some of them. Software engineering, game development, philopsychology, and gaming are my hobbies. I don't think quantum energy harvesting meditation counts as a hobby, but if it does, then throw that in there too.
Nothing I want to learn.
This list is probably going to be dropped down to nothing (or exclusively quantum energy harvesting meditation, again if you could even count it as a hobby) in the near future, since I'm going to completely stop caring about anything besides exacting my extremely brutal retribution if I don't get to be with Kimi.
Well, if I'm to head into isolation, there's nothing I really care to see invented; I already have everything I need to meditate in isolation and be able to exact my extremely brutal retribution. But let's assume for a moment the insane possibility that Kimi actually loves me and decides to be with me, so I can actually give a meaningful answer to this question.
I would've said the world's best game, a multi-genre online masterpiece... But I could already make that myself if I really cared. So we move on to the next thing, which I definitely couldn't make myself.
A modern desktop computing operating system that doesn't suck complete ass.
I almost feel bad saying that, since Linux Mint + Cinnamon + WINE (Staging) is actually a pretty awesome combo that I've really come to enjoy using. The staging version of WINE is ridiculously better than the stable or development branches, and has extremely useful functional MS .NET framework support, among other things. I can effectively do everything I could ever want to do on Windows, with much better privacy, while having extremely solid kernel stability, overall security, and excellent performance on all native applications. Still, the performance and stability of the WINE application server leaves much to be desired. I believe this to be the biggest issue that currently exists with the Linux environment in the usage context of a desktop computing operating system, as Cinnamon is already an excellent desktop environment, and the driver and package configuration in Mint is solid.
Windows has become a bloated, privacy-breaching shithole of a mess, going completely downhill after Windows 7. Linux is overall an extremely fragmented divine kind of agony between all the GCC versions, kernel versions, desktop environments, and distribution configurations, with development focus mostly aimed at the kernel by large conglomerates that rely on an extremely stable, efficient, and secure kernel to power all of their commercial servers that run the foundation of their enterprises, leaving the desktop environment experience in the dust. Mac is not only also a privacy-breaching and rather bloated clusterfuck (although perhaps not quite as bad as Windows), but it both lacks the immense compatibility/application base that Windows does, as well as the progression and economic benefits Linux has in being open source, with the only notable trade-off being that it looks prettier than its competitors out-of-the-box.
All the options fucking suck as a desktop computing environment for hardcore power users besides Windows 7, and it's being phased out by hardware manufacturers because Microsoft's end of support for it means hardware manufacturers also feel like no longer producing drivers for the OS, rendering it unusable on modern hardware. It also suffers from decreased security due to lack of proper updates from Microsoft, meaning that the NSA and China and Russia's hackers all have a really easy time getting into those boxes if they want, so your privacy is rather compromised by principal anyways. At least it can solidly run just about any piece of software you could ever want to use, without reporting every breath you take to Microsoft for them to sell to the government and other third parties for maximum revenue.
Did you know that even the "basic" diagnostic information that Microsoft collects in Windows 10 contains over 400 data points? The "full" option only has about 20 additional ones, meaning it's more so a placebo giving you the illusion you're not running an OS with built-in auto-patching self-healing spyware. Microsoft, two middle fingers to you, dickheads. Collecting what applications are installed, when they're launched, how long they're running, what's being done on them, and many other things that are ultimately virtually impossible to make "non-identifiable", all while tying them in to a generated hardware ID that is linked to a computer, is an absolute disrespect to the end user and cannot, by any stretch of the imagination, be seen as being collected solely "for diagnostic and user experience improvement purposes".
You can ask me about my near-death experiences (synonymous with application and kernel crashes) if you want to have an idea about how you can improve how you interact with me to make my experience with you better, but there's no good reason you need to know who I talk to, how long I'm talking to them, what I talk to them about, every time I fucking use the toilet, and every fucking breath I take. This shit is just one step away from key logging and having a built-in RAT, which with all the security vulnerabilities you're also introducing every system update, you might as well be doing for the NSA, China, and Russia.
ANY person with half a brain that uses a computer heavily (or really at all) should not at this point see using Windows as their primary operating system as a viable option. If you really need it for a certain game, you should be dual booting and not using Windows as your primary OS. And Mac? Perhaps. I've never really been a fan of it, but at this point, I'd say it's definitely a more sane choice for a primary OS. If you regularly use software that has native support for it and is horribly broken and/or completely unusable under WINE, then Mac is not a bad choice. If you're simply a big fan of it, that's fine. Otherwise, Linux is the only remotely sane choice. You couldn't pay me to use Windows as my primary OS at this point, and I personally don't even have any sufficient reason to dual boot it.
Yikes. I've went through phases with this one. A lot of phases. Right now, nothing. I haven't really been playing games. Life's been so heavy that I've been pouring all my energy into figuring out what's next, and I can't bring myself to play games much if at all at such a critical, pivotal time in my life.
Even putting that aside, I feel like all the games that are currently out are really lacking in one way or another as far as something I've been looking for that I could say really stands out, and it's been that way for a long time, which was a big part of what originally inspired me to start development on the world's first multi-genre online masterpiece. For that reason, I often found enjoyment playing my own game I was developing... But that's not publicly released, so I should probably try to give a perhaps more meaningful answer.
If I really had to try to pick among the current market... Minecraft? Not vanilla though; I actually really like it more for its ease of modding. Throw some game design and development skills in there, and you can mod it to play like an MMO, which can be interesting. I played around with it and added MP and a bunch of skills and leveling up and all this MMO-like stuff, which made the experience pretty cool. Never released it because I never cared to.
Besides that... If we go by raw hours of gameplay... Steam says I have over 2,000 hours on Killing Floor. I'm not like super in love with the game or anything, but it's kinda nice as a de-stresser to mindlessly kill a bunch of shit while blasting music you're vibing to here and there. I've gotten pretty good at mindlessly killing shit while blasting music I'm vibing to. I wonder if this skill translates to real life after meditating in isolation? Or maybe the extremely deep-rooted hatred will take care of that for me? Wow, what a mystery. Can't wait to find out.
I really liked League of Legends for a good few years, but at some point I just really stopped enjoying it. I'm not really sure why, but it happened. Oh well. I was quite up there in hours in this game too. I must've played over 2,000 matches in my life, which at about 30 minutes each, means over 1,000 hours.
When I was younger, MapleStory was almost the only game I played. I remember having the Mark of the Beta hat that was rare and only people who played beta had, but I've long since lost that account. There was a bit of S4 League, GunZ, a bunch of GBA games (Final Fantasy Tactics Advanced and Fire Emblem Sacred Stones stood out a lot), a few PS2 games (Dark Cloud 2 and Kingdom Hearts 2 were awesome)... But that stuff is largely a blur compared to MapleStory. I don't even know how many hours I spent on that game. Actually, it might be more than League or KF, but I went through so many different accounts (and later on private servers) that it's really hard to tell. I hardly spent any money on NX, but so many hours on the game. I enjoyed it a lot even playing legit, although I also enjoyed hacking so much that I made my own bots and trainers, some of which I released, and even saw people using in-game a few times (my bots had certain distinct behaviors I could identify).
Nexon, HackShield is trash. Try having your mob movement packets not generated by aggression-delegated handlers assigned to clients, because that was literally the reason every vac ever existed and is trash game development practice. Also, damage events and handler calculations should never be client-initiated for any game entities, because that's also equally as terrible of a problem and really trash game development practice that led to things like PG hack and Cygnus summon hack, both of which let you reach level 100+ in a day on official servers back when that was a massive accomplishment. It also greatly facilitated the creation of private servers, because it was combined with the fact that you hand-supplied a bunch of critical entity data in WZ files. The server processing overhead for validation of client packets (detecting hacks and applying autoban) actually is probably much less efficient than using the server authoritatively for the base operation processing. You think that kind of vulnerability is worth it for what, a slightly increased responsiveness in really bad ping situations? LMAO.
My dream job is no job. Hello?
I wouldn't call myself rich, but money already isn't an issue for me, because I'm extremely smart and powerful, and with that comes resourcefulness and minimal desire for physical possessions. Plus I have Shadow Confederation connections. So a job isn't something I'm concerned about getting, like, ever.
Don't let your dreams be dreams.
Although, I think I'd definitely want more money if somehow by some miracle Kimi loves me and acts properly upon that. Ideally, I just utilize my hobbies to make a considerable impact in the world, and I get donations or something. I wouldn't be closed off to certain new hobbies if I was given reason to give a shit instead of just meditating in isolation and becoming an extremely cruel heartless dictator of the world. But I know better than to keep my hopes up at this point.
Throughout my journey of life, there are some individuals who have had a very significant impact in my life, in one way or another, to such an extent that I want to specifically mention it here.
Obviously, there's Kimi, the woman of my dreams, the person I consider the love of my life and the one and only person I consider to be anywhere close to my insanely high standards and who somehow, for better or worse, put herself in a position where she will be the deciding factor for humanity's fate. I'm truly uncertain at this point where my connection with her will ultimately end up, as it's a very complicated situation, and I don't know how her feelings towards me have and will develop over time. But there are several other individuals who I also find worth mentioning as well.
There have been a few individuals who had a positive impact in my life in a very real way. For the ones that interacted with me, although I may be uncertain of their true feelings towards me and their true reasons for helping me however they did, they didn't seem to harbor malicious intent towards me, and still were ultimately helpful and kind enough to me to earn my respect and appreciation. Even the ones that never spoke a word to me. For the ones that perhaps didn't even necessarily have much if any direct interaction with me, they must've still had some really significant impact in my life that makes me very grateful they exist to the point I find it appropriate to mention them and at least a little message explaining their contribution to my life.
There were also some individuals that had a much less enjoyable impact in my life in a very real way. From the initial version of this book, they are hopefully already aware at the very least that I don't appreciate being disrespected or looked down upon in any way. Most of those people I mentioned were actually celebrities with considerable followings, and the truth is that I included such individuals' names the way I did much more for shock value to maximize potential exposure and attention the initial version of this book got, than out of seriously hard feelings towards them.
That being said, their actions will still certainly not be looked at by me in a favorable light should I end up without the kind of relationship with Kimi that I've been after and therefore invariably end up deeply disturbed to the point of isolating myself from society in preparation of exacting my extremely brutal retribution upon this world for all the deep wrongs I've had to endure, but I think they're plenty aware of that at this point. More importantly, considering the possibility that I could somehow end up with Kimi, considering how I addressed these people in the initial version of the book, I find it appropriate to provide my true, much more level-headed perspective on their existence, so as not to make my previous statements a barrier in Kimi's possible decision to look at our connection much more favorably.
As much of their behavior that I experienced the effects of is behavior that they obviously intentionally obfuscated such that it could possibly be considered slander to assert with complete conviction that they indeed were the ones behind the behavior and/or it was conscious and intentional to the effect that I experienced, you may choose to believe that I'm simply misinterpreting things I experienced, if it makes you feel better. I'm mentioning these things simply to express my perspective, not to attempt to damage the reputation of these individuals.
I find it most pertinent to start off by very potently stating that I have some personal information on Kimi I could've leaked that, especially with more aggressive actions from my end pursuing some kind of at least more immediate justice for what currently appears to be extremely predatory behavior I've had to endure having inflicted upon me by Kimi for the past 5 and a half years, will most certainly ultimately result in her being brutally permanently cancelled and unable to ever really become a public figure in any remotely significant capacity again, as she should be if she's truly been leading me on as severely brutally relentlessly and unapologetically all these years as it appears she has been.
This personal information that I have on Kimi is backed by legal paperwork that I obtained as a part of my criminal case disclosure documents during dealing with the criminal charges I dealt with as a result of the release of the initial public revision of my book, and in the event that Kimi makes it once and for all extremely painfully clear that she's truly an extremely predatory, completely irredeemable unapologetic psychopath that never loved me, never will love me, and completely deserves having The Great Retribution exacted upon her and everyone she loves in the future, I most certainly plan to release this irrefutable evidence that backs my assertions in regards to this personal information I assert that I have.
The reason I'm still currently refraining from doing so is because I truly love her extremely deeply and still want to hold on to whatever little speck of hope I can, to the very last possible moment that it makes any real sense, that maybe she will drastically change her attitude and behavior towards me, and she will end up committing to spending her life with me in an extremely loving, warm, healthy, consensual romantic and sexual relationship and eventually marriage, before it's too late and I truly once and for all lose all hope of it ever happening or even being possible, and therefore start to truly eternally invariably unwaveringly entirely unappeasably deeply resent and despise society and humanity as a whole and as a result start completely unapologetically heading down the path of becoming an extremely brutal unapologetic heartless dictator of the world that kills and destroys in mass for fun.
I've been to jail on two separate bits and got a 13.5 month sentence, detained because of the initial version of this book, which was catalyzed by this woman. My last bit was about 5 months, which is already the longest period of time she hasn't heard from me in over 4.5 years, since I first entered her life.
I miss Kimi extremely deeply every single day. Not the fuckery and abusive shit, of course, but I know things would be very different if this connection could ever possibly continue in a positive direction. I've thought about it a lot. A lot.
Given how she's reacted multiple times in the past to me being gone, I imagine she's probably going through some existential thoughts here and there at the very least, even if she's not talking about it in public.
I mean, we're talking about someone that had a legit mental breakdown and practically started crying on stream saying she felt a serious lack of motivation within a couple months of me distancing myself from her the first time I seriously did so. I really wish I had the clip for that, but to be completely honest, I never saved it. I thought I'd end up just snapping at her for the extreme severity of the mixed messages she was constantly giving me, getting banned from all her shit, and she'd just completely forget about me and that would be the end of that and I'd end up starting to meditate in isolation shortly thereafter... But regardless, I've had years of dealing with her at this point, and I think I know her well enough to know this without even looking.
Knowing her, she probably did something like dye her hair pink or purple or both (pink and purple are my favorite colors and she knows it) on my birthday (May 22nd). Even though I sat in jail for months and she couldn't get any kind of feedback from me, I feel pretty sure she still couldn't just forget me.
Highly doubt she got banned on Twitch or even really ever came close as a result of her behavior. That never bothered me; the higher she rises while I'm preparing for The Great Retribution, the more satisfying it'll be to take it all away from her when the time comes. I wouldn't be surprised, though, if she's finally sobering up enough to at least sometimes contemplate on how deeply disturbed I must feel and how mortifying for many people the outcome will invariably be if she seriously wants to commit to becoming the worst of enemies with me instead of being with me. She probably also often thinks about and misses how much I'd turn her on as I was pursuing her.
I know I have an extremely strong character. If you know of me to any considerable extent, you either love me or you hate me. Kimi knows me better than anyone else in the entire world. If she hasn't been acting the way she has out of secret extremely deep love for me, then she truly extremely deeply hates me and resents my existence, for which the extremely deep resulting spite caused her to torture me so unapologetically as she likely continues to attempt to do to the most severe extent.
I doubt she can just forget how I came into her life at a time when she still felt uncertain if the whole streaming thing could even really work out for her long-term as a career. From the first time I talked to her, back at that janky laptop stream on Jaime's channel, I could tell she felt something towards me.
After giving talking to her in her channel a shot a few months later, she decided to fly out to Toronto, a place she'd already recently been to for a meetup before I joined her community, for the second time within 3 months for another meetup, the first and only time she's ever done such a thing in her entire career. Not even a few hours after we first met, all I could think about was how dreamy she was and how much attraction she had shown towards me, even going so far as to tell me at the end of the meetup that she'd never forget me, and I already didn't care if I made myself look like a complete idiot tweeting at her confessing my love for her and sharing it with Jaime's Discord.
I started sending her DMs on Discord, and she'd always respond. I kept trying even though she told me nothing would ever happen. I made her feel so special and wanted and inspired her and excited her at a time when she still wasn't over her ex and felt like a complete mess between being uncertain of her future career prospects and feeling lost, abandoned, and hopeless in her romantic prospects. At least that's the picture she painted to me.
I'd watch every single stream she had and actively chat every time, feeling really happy to be able to communicate with her and wanting to always do my best to give her that energy and vibe. I'd have interesting conversations with people in her Discord often, and we both knew she was watching everything I'd say with excitement.
I'm definitely a significantly contributing factor to the reason she felt confident enough to start messing around with random guys in public, because I changed my Twitch username to AngelsShatteredWings within like a month after meeting her and starting to DM her, and made us look like something. Even though she could see that very clearly, she never asked me to change it and she knew she loved it and she owned it.
I literally brought it up to her in DMs shortly after doing it, and she didn't seem the slightest bit upset, much less express any desire to have me change it or go away. I was amazed. I thought for sure she'd be pissed and tell me I had to leave or she'd ban me. I wouldn't have been able to blame her if she had, and I'm sure she knew that.
I'm definitely a significantly contributing factor to what pushed her to feel confident enough to try making a streamer house that ended up being Just Friends, even if it was so spontaneous that it fell apart after a few months. I probably had something to do with that as well.
I'm definitely a significantly contributing factor to why she's went through so much personal growth and she looks at life so much differently than she did more than 4 years ago, with all my walls after walls of text I've sent her, constantly pouring out my heart to her with all the emotion I have and trying to teach and inspire her with all the knowledge I could find relevance to share every step of the way.
I remember when she called my first "long" message an "essay". It just made me wonder what she'd consider the much longer messages I knew I was willing to write and send her, if that small message was already an essay to her. I never thought she'd actually end up taking things so insanely far and making me feel certain she's read every word of every message I've ever sent her. I'm still amazed about it to this day.
I know it must've made her feel some type of way when she saw how eager I was to jump back into her life right after seeing her have even just one mental breakdown because she missed me a lot the first time I distanced myself from her, and I know I've made her feel some type of way by still being able to touch her so deeply even while having really broken communication with her for the whole time since then. First, it was Discord DMs, then messaging Leslie, then messaging Mickey, then e-mails directly to her personal e-mail address, then mass e-mailing her along with several of her friends and manager and even eventually Twitch staff... It's gotten pretty crazy.
I've captured and tried so hard to maintain her attention for all these years that until I turned myself in and went to jail, I was paying extremely close attention and knew she was starting off pretty much every single stream with music inspired by her thoughts towards our connection and often extending that throughout much of the stream, either through bits of rhetoric sprinkled within different activities, or through extended dialogue in sit down and talk sessions. I wouldn't be surprised if I've continued to inspire dialogues she's had on stream.
If she was mine, I'd put her in a position of queen status that nobody else could ever put her in, and I'd do it while making her feel so loved in a way that nobody else could ever make her feel. She wouldn't just feel like queen of the world, she would be queen of the world. I've told her this, and she knows the kind of weight behind it. I imagine it makes her feel some type of way.
I've truly tried insanely hard to see the best in her when probably just about anyone else in the world would call me extremely delusional for ever imagining that she's not just a massive piece of shit that unapologetically used and abused me and has zero love for me period. I love her so much that even the possibility of not spending my life with her deeply disturbs me, and I just know I always need to do my best to show her I'll never be able to accept that happening, which was the reasoning I was following to decide it was necessary to say some pretty harsh and sometimes even dark things at certain points. But at this point, that kind of stuff makes me seem really hateful and unhinged to entertain detailed dialogue of, and would only sabotage my connection with her, which I want to make as clear as possible isn't what I'm going for here. However, I maintain that I wasn't joking about how serious my feelings for her are.
As of this moment in time, it seems that Kimi mercilessly, relentlessly, and unapologetically used me for knowledge, affection, and inspiration to the furthest extent she possibly could, then heartlessly continues to use every last drop of functionality she can see in her connection with me to earn her more attention and pity, not giving the slightest fuck how I feel, to the point where it seems quite clear that she wouldn't even really care if I committed suicide over this. Even then, she could pretend that she really cares when it comes to her being in front of the camera, and have gotten all the use out of me that she did, have me end up killing myself and no longer presenting her with any threat in her life, without her having to compensate me in the slightest for everything I've given her and done for her, and then get to reap the benefits of yet even more attention and pity by people that look at her more favorably in society over me because the world is just that fucked up of a place.
If that were to happen, I'll have been used to hell and driven to suicide, and she gets to pretend to be sad and care in front of the camera, as if it wasn't entirely her fault I ended up killing myself, and get free content and most likely donations out of it. I would've ended up dead because I genuinely loved and trusted her with all of my heart, trying to see the best in her when there was nothing good to see and she was really an extremely deceptive monster psychopath.
Despite everything, I still love her extremely deeply. I've been choosing to believe there's an extremely precious and beautiful side to her that she just hasn't felt right expressing to me yet. I still care about her so much that I've literally written and extensively revised a fucking huge book to try to get to be with her instead of so many other cruel options. I still feel such a deep emotional connection that mentally attracts me to her because I know I'll never feel this way towards anyone else ever in my life, and on top of that, she literally has the most perfectly voluptuous goddess body of anyone in the world as far as I'm concerned, so my attraction to her is extremely strong physically too. I've already described what kinds of things I'll do to her if I really have to take the dark route in my life, and I can guarantee that if she really did all this wanting to work towards that kind of an outcome, I'll be doing all of that to her absolutely unapologetically at the time of The Great Retribution.
To say she has a powerful presence in my life is a massive understatement. Kimi is part of what gives my life meaning.
She's ultimately the reason I even cared to write a book, and for better or worse, I'll love her forever and need her in my life forever, or I know I'll start heading down an extremely destructive path and ultimately the world will be destroyed.
I know we've never dated. I know we're not friends. I don't know what we are. Something right on the borderline between extremely deeply in love and extremely dangerously obsessed with each other? I know the attention I've given her isn't stalking. I know the attention she's given me isn't stalking. We both clearly asked for it.
I don't know about her, but I didn't do this out of any kind of sadistic or masochistic tendencies. I didn't enjoy any of the abuse and fuckery. I just have extremely high and specific standards, and she's by far the only person that's come anywhere close to meeting all of them. This whole time, I've just really wanted things to work out positively and for us to be together, get married, and live happily ever after for a very long time to come, training in quantum energy arts and ruling the world together.
If she's genuinely just hated me this whole time and continues to... She should know she deserves the very unfortunate future that's ahead. If she's wanted what I've wanted too, it should be painfully clear to her that she's only hurting me, herself, everyone around her, and ultimately the whole world by continuing to be distant and driving us apart into deep hatred of each other.
I'm seriously uncertain if she's an extremely precious person that's just been deeply hurt in her life and has a lot of humanity and handles her pain in a way with a lot of strength that I've never seen and doubt I'll ever see in another person, or if she's just some extremely fucked up sadistic massive psychopath future serial killer that was probably born with some extremely fucked up lack of proper human emotion and is just extremely good at manipulating everyone into believing that she's human. Though quite unfortunately, it seems like the latter is the case.
So she really thinks I'm a delusional moron, huh? That I don't deserve her love? Even after I release a several hundred page book asserting that I rule the world, and licensed mental health professionals are terrified of how real and raw I am? I'm a clown and don't deserve to have her love and be with her forever, even if it's what I want more than anything else in the whole world?
Well, I'll find out in the near future. But I'm certainly not keeping my hopes up. I'm not fucking delusional.
I still and will forever wish we could've been lovers instead of enemies, but it seems she really doesn't want that. Seeing as how she's fake to so many people about so much, I wouldn't be surprised if she's being fake when presenting the notion that she doesn't really feel attraction towards me... But as long as she continues to live in denial or a way that appears to show that she never really loved me is the truth, then whether she really is such a piece of shit or she's just being too weak, insecure, and cowardly to love herself properly and therefore love me properly, the end result will be exactly the same.
It looks like after all the guys she's fucked with while I've known her, after probably fucking with more, she's been trying to trap Peter or George into a relationship with her. With the fucked up dynamic she's established, she's obviously going to cheat on him and the relationship will obviously eventually fall apart. After she probably pushes him to have kids with her and uses him for money after she stays married to him long enough to take half of everything he owns and waits until that half is something she considers significant. Assuming The Great Retribution doesn't arrive before then, which it probably would. From what I see, both of these guys are certainly stupid enough they would've fallen for it all.
After I came out of jail the first time, I made the decision to continue to communicate with Kimi, still trying to make our relationship work. But I'm not making the same decision this time; that would just be stupid. This time, she fucking called the FBI a few days after I turned myself in and started my bit. That's right, she fucking went and complained to the fucking FBI that I exist.
Really now? Alright.
It doesn't matter how much Kimi or anyone else may try to express that they don't want me to kill myself. I won't be checking any of her or her friends' or anyone else's socials or streams; I'm simply beyond giving a fuck about anything anyone says or does if Kimi isn't going to make it completely clear to me that she's pursuing an extremely serious relationship with me starting in the very near future by directly contacting me via e-mail.
If Kimi really doesn't feel about me the way I wish she did, I can already see her doing some underhanded bullshit on stream or on social media trying to express the sentiment that she wishes me the best and doesn't want me to kill myself. But that sentiment is complete bullshit. I want it to be completely clear that a lack of any further communication by me does not and will not ever, to any extent, mean that my feelings or position have changed in the slightest. It just shows I'm following through with what I've said I'll do and I'm not a fucking clown.
Although I know it'd be delusional to have much hope that I can get the kind of relationship with Kimi that I've always wanted, I want Kimi forever like I want to breathe. And I fucking love breathing. As such, to prove my sincerity in giving Kimi one TRULY FINAL opportunity to shape up and stop acting like a completely unhinged and irredeemable massive psychopath, I've went to considerably great lengths to extremely clearly inform several of her very good friends of the severity of the situation and the kind of time she has left to make her final decision completely clear.
If you can't or won't understand, accept, and act properly upon what I truly hope with every bit of my mind, heart, and soul is at this point an extremely obvious fact that You're Special, You Should've Known that I'm above the CLOUDS, and now there's NO TURNING BACK.
WHAT'S LIFE? Let me show you.
I know I've said a lot of harsh things about Kimi in the past. But if she commits to a relationship with me, I'll have pretty much no doubt in my mind that she's seriously in a relationship with me because she sincerely wants to be, loves me extremely deeply, and enjoys every moment of sexual intimacy with me greatly. The way that she built this connection with me, she was setting it up to be extremely deep and meaningful, whether she knew it or not.
She was allowing us to build mutual trust and respect gradually every step of the way. She will feel my immense love, trust, and respect for her, and I will feel those things from her too. Not only is it an extremely unique connection, but it's extremely precious and truly irreplaceable. Something neither of us will ever have to truly doubt.
I feel EXTREMELY confident that we'll be forever happily married if she takes the initiative to reach out to me before it's too late. Whether or not she has a mental breakdown in public first doesn't matter to me at all and will not make her approach come off any less sincere to me either way.
Even if Kimi went and secretly got engaged or married to someone else, it doesn't matter to me in the slightest. She should understand she did it as a mistake, thinking I never loved her. It's a very understandable mistake, considering the kinds of things I said in the initial public revision of this book and how I started massive drama and disappeared for months doing jail time over it.
She should be completely willing and comfortable with breaking off an engagement or divorcing whoever she married if she went that far. Otherwise, it's just a blatant excuse to justify acting in a fashion that shows painfully clearly that she's a completely irredeemable massive psychopath that never loved me. If she got engaged or married, I want it to be completely clear that breaking off the engagement or divorcing whoever she's married to does not to any extent make me feel that she would do that to me. Mistakes happen. She can't be engaged/married to me if she's engaged/married to someone else. Nor would it be appropriate or acceptable to me even if she somehow could.
I am pro abortion, so if by some absolute insanity she's somehow already pregnant, she should abort it. Promptly. Or it's going to completely fuck this world up and it's headed straight to disaster unconditionally. She absolutely cannot ever give birth.
I will be waiting patiently, within reasonable boundaries. I expect that if Kimi is actually a decent human being, she will never be able to truly move on, and although it might take months, she will eventually realize we're soulmates and meant to spend our lives together, and she will reach out to me expressing her undying extremely deep love and affection, as she should. Otherwise, she will basically just stop caring, and either completely drop doing anything that gives me any real attention, or just continue the same kind of extremely suicidal and destructive path of trying to fuck with me underhandedly, and try to drive me insane and make me suicidal.
In either of the latter case scenarios, I'll just fuck her and all of her close friends' lives up, completely reject any and all fame and other rewards from the attention I get, and continue the meditation in isolation that I will already have started, and after a few years, I will exact the extremely brutal retribution that I have described in detail already that I will exact in that case, giving her what she deserves for being such an irredeemable massive psychopath that never really loved me and manipulated the shit out of me and tried to drive me to suicide for her own personal benefit and didn't change her attitude and behavior towards me even despite exceptionally crazy circumstances that show her I more than deserve all the love and respect in the world from her.
What it comes down to is quite simple. Kimi absolutely must either ultimately spend her life with me, her decision to pursue convictions of which she must make irrefutably clear within a reasonable amount of time, or I will be left with absolutely no even remotely appealing option left in my life than to commit to pursuing quantum energy harvesting meditation in isolation and ultimately exacting the extremely brutal retribution, upon her and everyone that supports her, that I've described in no lack of detail in the past.
These are her only options. I want her to understand this crystal clear, understand the weight and consequences of whatever decision she makes and that there is absolutely certainly a limit for her to be indecisive like this and that she must commit fully to whichever path she decides to have me take, and that she does not have a lot of time to do so, although I'm very much willing to give her a very reasonable amount of time, as I want her to feel and understand that this opportunity I'm giving her is truly sincere and comes from an extremely loving place in me.
Kimi is EXTREMELY dangerous and currently completely unhinged. The important thing here is I can't have her leaving any room for doubt and effectively playing everyone. If Kimi is with someone else right now, it's in that person's best interest to see to it that Kimi makes her final decision extremely clearly and decisively within a reasonable amount of time as well. Otherwise, if she stays with him for a few years and then starts trying to desperately throw herself at me once I come to start to exact The Great Retribution, claiming she always loved me and never moved on and she'll now do whatever I want, then she played the shit out of that person and I'll never know if she's playing the shit out of me too and I'll realistically probably still want a healthy relationship with her so badly that I'll believe her even though I really shouldn't.
I ABSOLUTELY CANNOT HAVE THIS EVER HAPPEN!!! If she truly loves and wants to be with me, she has to move on from whoever else and break anything she might have with them off within a reasonable amount of time, and come to me promptly thereafter. In Peter's case, I understand he's part of the friend group, and I'm not saying she has to become enemies with him or stop being friends with him entirely, but it must become completely clear that there is nothing romantic there any longer.
If she's truly a completely irredeemable massive psychopath that could never love me and wishes to inflict The Great Retribution upon herself, whoever she might be with, and anyone else associated with her, she must make that completely clear long before it'd happen, so she cannot play me like a fucking fiddle later when I'm coming to fuck her and everyone else up royally.
I should not have to be flaunting supernatural abilities and actively terrorizing Kimi and threatening her friends and families lives beyond the capacity of any law enforcement or any other entity to even remotely appear to be able to stop me to any extent, before she's willing to have sex with me and be with me. I don't know if she's so fucked in the head that she thinks leaving me in such an extremely fucked up position is actually an option for her, but you'd best believe it's not.
There is no such thing as consensual sex when someone is absolutely terrifyingly certain that you hold their life and the lives of anyone even remotely important to them exclusively in the palm of your hand like that. That's just not being suicidal enough to resist getting raped. Ideally, I want to have love-filled sex with Kimi, not fucking rape her. And if I can't have love-filled sex with her, I'm certainly not going to fucking seek her consent to rape her like she's my friend or something, and I'm certainly not going to pretend that there's any even remote possibility of her ever truly loving me at that point. I will just be absolutely incomparably unapologetically mercilessly brutal to her and everyone even remotely important to her.
She absolutely must understand that rejecting me but ultimately being chill with me IS NOT AN OPTION. I'm the fucking ruler of the world that she's gotten extremely madly in love with her, and she should know very well the MASSIVE kinds of things she stands to gain from being in a committed relationship with me (ultimately this is infinite money, immortality, supernatural abilities, endless extremely hot sex, massive inner peace, satisfaction, incomparable feeling of safety and comfort, and ruling the world alongside me). She ABSOLUTELY CANNOT fuck with my head, heart, and soul while she doesn't already see all of it right in front of her right in this moment, and then later throw herself at me and claim she loved me the whole time and I just didn't try hard enough to have her feel right showing it.
She either loves me or she hates me, and she must pick and make it completely clear to me and everyone else LONG before I'm capable of becoming an extremely brutal heartless dictator of this shitty planet. I will NEVER be even REMOTELY okay with being chill with being rejected by her. We MUST become the best of lovers, or I will absolutely invariably unwaveringly commit to us being the worst of enemies. She must accept that we will either end up together forever, or she is a completely irredeemable massive psychopath that must admit and accept to this fact to me and everyone else, one way or another, and her and everyone else must accept that this world will face an extremely brutal retribution in the future for her being as such and probably being supported by most if not all those around her in being as such.
I'll be masturbating profusely to Kimi every day as I wait, and even always after, regardless of her decision. I will truly always find her to be an incomparably perfectly voluptuous goddess. There's very good reason I chased her this hard and I have such intense convictions to exact an extremely brutal retribution on her of the kind I've described in the past, if she won't consensually be with me before it's too late for her to ever be able to convince me her feelings for me are sincere. Truly loving her (and therefore not wanting to fucking destroy the world out of extremely deep sadness and anger of being unable to feel comfortable ever doing so) must remain a viable option for me if this world doesn't want this to end extremely badly for everyone.
Kimi is and will forever be the absolute most precious person in the whole world to me. Hopefully, before it's too late, she will truly realize and act upon the understanding that it's not me she's obsessed with, it's this extremely unhealthy desire for an excessive feeling of safety and comfort that drives her to stay in this toxic lifestyle instead of throw herself at me and take the risks that she needs to take to truly live a happy and fulfilling life.
She has plenty of time. I understand I've shaken and perhaps confused her and many in her life. I will truly give her the time I've promised. I'm truly not eager to start war, and that's truly not even remotely out of any sense of shame, guilt, or any other negative emotions. I know I'm scary because I'm ridiculously powerful, but I truly have immense, incomparable love for Kimi, and I want this to work more than I'll ever want anything else. Kimi is truly the most extremely precious person in the world to me and absolutely irreplaceable, and these things will forever remain the absolute and complete truth.
I really wish I could've gotten her without having to do crazy shit like how I released the initial revision of my book, but I'm not going to have regrets when I can focus on seeing what I did as simply a new path to an even better version of the same goal I always had. After all, the reality of the extremely dark future ahead if I don't get Kimi isn't going to change regardless of whether or not I try to make the best of the situation. So I might as well try.
I was completely aware of this fact as I was writing the initial revision of my book, and it was in fact what ultimately gave me the confidence to release it how I did. I truly felt like the way things were going before, I'd never be able to convince Kimi or anyone significant in her life to take me seriously and actually get where I needed to go with Kimi. But now, as crazy as it sounds, I feel like I actually have a chance.
I don't lack regret out of being some unhinged psychopath; I lack regret because Kimi is so extremely precious to me that I've always been absolutely certain what I truly would've regretted is never really trying. This is what trying looks like when you're the ruler of the world. If threatening Kimi was going to make her stop loving me, then she never loved me to begin with, because it was her supposedly loving treatment that led to those threats being made and in the very public way I was essentially forced to make them.
And even if she hadn't loved me, then she loved acting in a way that encouraged me to love her more and do whatever it takes to make her find it in herself to start loving me. So she at the very least deeply desired to really feel love towards me, probably because she felt deeply disturbed at obviously being so loved and yet not understanding why she couldn't reciprocate it. In that case, she must've truly felt like a monster. She probably could feel her latent serial killer tendencies surfacing, and it tormented her deeply. I highly doubt she enjoyed that.
I'm truly completely committed to Kimi. I was always completely fine putting myself in a position of at least some degree of moral obligation to be with her, because I wanted her so badly anyways, and if that's what it took to show her clearly, I wanted that. As far as I'm concerned, her behavior so strongly encouraging me to take on that responsibility and force her to take on that responsibility as well very strongly indicated that she too wanted me so badly anyways and wanted to be able to prove that to me.
I never saw this as a connection I ever wanted to end. I will prove it in every single way I can. I know I can definitely be very convincing. Whether this situation ends extremely well or extremely poorly, it just depends on if Kimi and those significant in her life are truly willing to face reality.
She doesn't have to have some huge mental breakdown in public. She doesn't have to send me nudes or masturbation material. She doesn't have to write me some huge essay. She should certainly feel the pressure, but she should feel it reasonably and not feel overwhelmed, shocked, angry, sad, guilty, ashamed, terrified, or apathetic. I know it's easier said than done, but I truly believe in her. She has all the time she needs. I truly love her extremely deeply with all of my mind, heart, and soul, and I want her to know that without a shadow of a doubt.
All of the significant people in her life should refrain from criticizing her for her choices. She felt deeply loved by me, as she should've, because it's always truly been there and extremely strong, and she acted in the only way that felt right to her. She truly let me love her, which is MUCH more than I could EVER say for people like Jaime or Celine, who would rather not really try, and then get INSANELY salty when they realize they deeply regret it. Kimi had A LOT of courage and heart. It's not easy to be like that. Not easy at all. She earned immense respect from me very early on when I saw her character was like this, and it made me fall very deeply in love with her very quickly.
Now she just needs to see how amazing what we did together (because this wouldn't have been possible without her!) really is, and change the path she probably thought she was locked into before, so me, her, all those associated with her, and ultimately the whole world are not left in an extremely negative losing situation as a result of our connection.
It's quite important to truly understand the severity of the situation. If I start war, Kimi is absolutely certainly cancelled; this is not simply a possibility, but rather an absolute certainty. And if that war starts and Kimi's cancellation starts becoming apparent, all her friends must decide whether they will turn on her and publicly commit to shunning her and essentially encouraging her to commit suicide, or sink with her and get cancelled themselves as well and likely also end up committing suicide.
Whichever decision they make, I do not personally care. But they must realize something well. This is not any old cancellation. This is an absolutely irreversible, unrecoverable, irredeemable, permanent, and deeply permeating cancellation. Even if none of the rest of them are cancelled alongside her, they will all certainly feel permanently lasting effects as a result of it. And they will not be minor. In fact, they will only get worse over time, and they'll probably already even start off pretty bad.
Like, think about it this way. Ice got permed for fucking getting swatted on a plane. Dr Disrespect got permed for reasons still unknown to the public. If Kimi doesn't get permed for being an extremely irredeemable unapologetic psychopath that tried to drive the ruler of the world to suicide for her own extremely short-sighted, selfish, ignorant, arrogant, destructive perception of benefit, as brutally as possible using and abusing my extremely deep sincere undying love and affection towards her in the most disgusting possible way, all while knowing from the very beginning in no uncertain terms how extremely dangerous and destructive being this way is, pissing off the ruler of the world into wanting to destroy the world extremely brutally out of incomparable devastation, Twitch administration is beyond fucked.
Blatantly sanctioning not only literally illegal activity like Peter's more recent slander and defamation of character towards me (which I will not be sharing details of as of yet, because I'm truly hoping the end result of this situation will not be war), but also the most severe kind of morally bankrupt behavior? So then Twitch must be run by some really fucked up psychopaths, and every single person on the platform is going to have to start questioning if they feel morally okay continuing to remain a part of that platform. And they probably will end up deciding that they don't.
Kimi's already getting fucked by Twitter and they're not giving her the verified badge despite verifying just about every other one of her good friends. And meanwhile, they never even gave me any warnings, much less suspensions, even with the initial public revision of my book and how I mass @'d a shitton of people to share it. I never had any of my tweets deleted, and anything I removed, I did so entirely of my own volition with absolutely no pressure whatsoever from anyone guiding that decision. Clearly, Twitter already knows which side of the equation they should be on. And it's not Kimi's.
Let me tell you what's probably going to happen if I ultimately go to war with Kimi. She'll most likely commit suicide. She'll most likely try to leave a suicide note saying a ton of extremely tender and affectionate shit towards me, claiming she sincerely felt that way about me, but she felt too guilty and ashamed to face me after what she put me through, and felt she could never deserve all the love I obviously have for her. She'll most likely claim she committed suicide out of love for me, to do what she felt was best for me, so hopefully I could find peace and move on from her.
I don't want that to happen. I want to be with this woman forever. I absolutely need to make sure that it's insanely painfully clear to her that I truly love her so immensely and she should put aside any negative feelings she's felt towards me in the past and any negative feelings she probably still feels towards herself right now, and just reach out to me lovingly and starting to do her best to make this relationship work before it's too late.
If Kimi keeps pushing me away, she's not doing anyone any favors. If she forces my hand to start war, she's not doing anyone any favors. If she commits suicide over this, she's not doing anyone any favors. I'll be EXTREMELY deeply hurt and devastated. I love this woman more than I'll ever love anyone. I don't want her gone. I really don't.
Yes, it's true that if Kimi is truly such an irredeemable unapologetic psychopath that she'd genuinely rather commit suicide than even give being with me a real chance, me doing everything I am now means I can no longer be held responsible to any extent for her course of action, and it serves to blatantly expose her for the extremely disgusting monster that she would be in that case, meaning that any attempt to slander me by attempting to gaslight the shit out of everyone else in her final actions before ending her own life will miserably fail, and she will end up having committed suicide in such an ultimately transparently disingenuous way that nobody with even half a brain should feel even remotely sorry for her to any degree.
Yes, that would certainly be quite a retribution already in itself. And I truly believe that if she's such an irredeemable piece of shit that she'd rather die than ever even give being with me a real chance, she completely deserves it. And worse, even.
But I truly don't want things to be that way.
Only Kimi knows the truth, and whether she's desperately hoping I care enough to truly convince her she should give being with me a real chance, or if she's just bracing herself for what she should know is her inevitable doom, perhaps desperately praying with her delusions that I will just decide to commit suicide for her benefit instead of driving her to suicide, getting her murdered, or ultimately exacting The Great Retribution on her in the future and making her regret ever being born as severely as it is possible to do so to a person.
I know Kimi must be in an extremely dark place mentally right now. I'm extremely concerned about her. She has a massive tendency for self-pity and self-hatred. Faced with these circumstances, I find it quite likely she's silently feeling extremely suicidal, and increasingly so every day. The way that war with me would cancel her and deeply effect everyone associated with her, while she knows how much I myself am even hurting and would rather not have gone that path and will end up isolating myself from society and working towards brutal destruction of the world regardless of whatever fame or money or other rewards people might try to give me as a result of it, meaning the effect of war with her would be considerably amplified on her and everyone else... I don't think she'd be able to live with herself. Her existence will certainly never be a very pleasant one past that point. She will have to actively fear for her life every single time she shows her face in public to even take a little walk down the street.
While I certainly wouldn't ever under any circumstances commit suicide myself or back off from my position out of concern for what she might or might not do to herself or the impact war would have on her and everyone else (or any other reason, for that matter), the sincerity of the extreme depth of love I have for her makes me extremely concerned that she's still misunderstanding my goals, intentions, and desires.
Initiating direct communication with her myself at this point still might send the wrong message to her. I need to unwaveringly maintain that I'm not trying to feed any sadistic or narcissistic tendencies she has to any extent, and I'm not willing to give her any kind of leverage to try to shut down the massive threat I currently am to her and everyone associated with her, nor do I have any desire whatsoever for additional criminal charges and jail time.
I want it to be CRYSTAL clear that she ABSOLUTELY CANNOT feel justified in simply crying out for direct communication from me at any point in the future, attempting to assert it's absolutely necessary for her to truly feel comfortable committing to a relationship with me, and then blaming me and claiming I don't love her when I start war instead. SHE ALREADY KNOWS IT'S FUCKING ILLEGAL FOR ME TO INITIATE COMMUNICATION WITH HER AT THIS POINT, AND I HAVE EVERY REASON TO BELIEVE SHE'S JUST TRYING TO BAIT ME INTO MORE JAIL TIME OUT OF THE MOST DISGUSTING DEEPEST HATRED IF SHE WANTS TO CLAIM SHE SINCERELY LOVES ME AND TRULY FEELS READY FOR PROPER COMMUNICATION BUT DOESN'T WANT TO REACH OUT TO ME FIRST!!!
If I end up starting war, anyone with even half a brain should see that it's absolutely irrefutably clear that Kimi does not and never did love me, and almost certainly never will. Otherwise, she never would've forced me to start war. If she wants our connection to get attention for healthy reasons, having a sincere mental breakdown in public admitting extremely deep loving feelings towards me and directly reaching out to me via e-mail is absolutely what she must know for certain she should DRASTICALLY prefer over forcing me to establish an extremely antagonistic position towards her and then attempt to do what obviously would come off as extremely disingenuous gaslighting that she loves me in an attempt to guilt-trip the shit out of me for starting the first phase of the extremely brutal retribution on her that she more than deserves.
At this point, essentially Kimi's career and life, as well as ultimately at the very least most of her friends' careers and lives, are in the palm of my hand already. She couldn't have greater incentive to do everything in her power to attempt to play with my emotions. Anything she might do that isn't COMPLETELY clear as sincere loving feelings towards me and transparent affection, it's just going to feel like I'm being manipulated, and she's just trying to gaslight and guilt-trip me into not cancelling her and driving her to suicide. I know I must have some patience to let her make the truth completely clear, and I most certainly will, with how much a healthy relationship with her will forever mean to me. But I want it to be completely clear that I'm drawing a line and I will truly start the most brutal war with her if she crosses it.
That being said, personally, I believe that deep down, there is a very real part of Kimi that hates me quite a bit right now. However, I think there's also a large logical and more human side of her, that acknowledges that it's wrong and extremely destructive to enjoy feeling that way, and truly wishes those hateful feelings would go away. But as it currently stands, those feelings are still disturbingly strongly present, and I think as much as she wishes she could just make them go poof and disappear forever, she can't control how she feels like that.
I don't think anyone can really control how they feel like that. I do believe she can get these negative feelings out of her system and ultimately greatly soften her heart towards me, but it's not going to happen if she's pretending to feel much warmer feelings towards me than she really is at any given point in time. This doesn't just apply to the start of the relationship; she needs to be real with me about her feelings all the time, so we can have a real and truly deep connection.
If I'm going to be in a relationship with Kimi, I don't want her to feel like she has to pretend about anything with me, and the only way I'm going to be able to have such a truly healthy, meaningful, and rewarding relationship with her is if I establish that precedent from the very beginning. My awareness of these harsh feelings towards me I'm pretty sure she has deep inside and needs some time to process and eradicate is the reason I feel it necessary and appropriate to give her some time to reflect and process the situation before deciding if she wants to commit to a war with me she undoubtedly will horribly lose.
I think there's a pretty good chance she's been saying and doing things suggesting she feels much warmer feelings for me right now than she truly does, which would become considerably more obvious considering she still hasn't reached out to me directly expressing warmth in a transparent manner. She may soon perhaps start feeling more comfortable more honestly expressing how she's really feeling, which probably won't be so pleasant for me if I were to see it.
I imagine several mean-sounding tweets that express her frustration with how much regret she feels and how she wants to blame it all on me because she thinks I fucked everything up and now she feels so fucked up because she never expected I love her so much I'd actually want to go to such great lengths to try to fix how broken she made our connection end up, and it makes her hate herself, which makes her hate me for making her feel that way. I don't know exactly what she's going through right now, but it's probably stuff like that. Obviously, she'd present these thoughts tactfully and without specifically mentioning me or exact details of our situation; I've learned she's pretty good at that kind of thing.
To be completely clear, this is NOT an invitation to Kimi or anyone else to slander me. Slander is literally illegal, and I can only see it being done with the worst of intentions in the vast majority of cases, not really being possible to lead to any kind of good result for anyone. If I see such things, I will only add them to my ammunition to expose and cancel Kimi and all of her friends. Slander and venting are very clearly different. Venting is ultimately rather harmless, not overly antagonistic, and overall understandable. Slander is none of those things.
She's probably understandably really scared of sincerely expressing herself because she's worried about her harsh thoughts coming off so antagonistic towards me that I see it as an indication that she's declaring war with me, when in reality she's just trying to vent and be honest and see if I'll take it hatefully or be graceful and understanding and cause her heart to greatly soften towards me over time, after a while ultimately resulting in her feeling too fucked up at continuing to sabotage something she can so painfully clearly see is the most precious loving relationship she could've ever dreamed of, to the point she'll end up having a serious mental breakdown in public where she can't help but start actually being more directly honest about her feelings towards me that have genuinely become extremely warm and loving at that point.
Considering this is likely the situation, and I'm making my understanding as such completely clear here, I believe her and her friends should all appreciate that a lack of any further communication simply expressing frustration and probably just coming off hateful in response to such things, and instead giving them all space to think, reflect, and really start to be able to feel where I'm coming from, is in reality the most loving and sincere thing I could possibly do in this situation.
Considering what she's done in the past, she'll probably start sleeping around with a bunch of people too, trying to make me jealous and hurt my feelings. Perhaps she'll even once again sleep with people I know she's had sex with in the past, perhaps even exes, trying to make me insecure and shit. She clearly has trouble controlling herself when it comes to a lot of things, and from what I've seen, that's especially true when it comes to sex and romantic relationships. With her personality and the kind of person it'd take to marry her as she's been allowed to continue acting, I find it quite unlikely such a person, if they exist, would be at all capable of stopping her, or even really have desire to.
I want it to be absolutely completely clear that this is not me giving her permission to sleep around, nor encouraging her, nor asking her to do so. While I certainly have never enjoyed and will never enjoy even just the thought of her having sex with anyone else, I know she has needs I haven't ever been able to properly satisfy yet, due to the state of our relationship. Additionally, the sadness and frustration she must certainly feel right now most likely considerably amplifies that. Simply being honest, I know I love her too much to hold it against her if masturbation alone isn't enough for her right now. That being said, while I certainly love her too much to destroy her just for lashing out however she probably does, she certainly is going to have to change if she doesn't want to end up destroying her life and the lives of everyone around her.
When I say Kimi needs to change, I want it to be clear what I mean by this. I'm not saying she needs to change who she is deep inside; if you think someone needs to actually change who they really are deep inside in order to be loveable by you, then you don't understand what love really is. What I'm saying is that she needs to see herself more clearly and understand what her true needs really are and that the way she's been living her life does not truly meet those needs.
While I would certainly not let her use her mental health issues to absolve her of responsibility for how she's made me feel towards her and how I now absolutely must get to spend my life with her or her and everyone associated with her will be absolutely royally fucked, I'm certainly quite understanding that her mental health issues have likely greatly contributed to her being so visibly confused about what she really wants out of a relationship and perhaps even life in general.
In my very first real conversation with her, she bluntly states in no uncertain terms that she's uncertain what she's looking for but she'll know when she finds it. To me, her continued displays of affection for years towards me and my efforts show me that she was looking for something, she very clearly had been honest about looking for something, and she truly believed she found that in me.
I was looking for something too, and I know I've found that in her. I'd NEVER let her mental health issues get in the way of that. If it wasn't for them, she probably wouldn't have done the things she did. It's been extremely painful and difficult, but considering how incomparably amazing and wonderful our relationship would be if it works out, I wouldn't rather have had it be any other way.
If Kimi is indeed currently secretly married to someone else, then whoever it is must know by now that forcing her to stay in that marriage is essentially communicating to her that they want her to commit suicide, since Kimi committing suicide is the most likely outcome of this situation if she commits to rejecting me and therefore forces my hand to start war with her and all of her friends, effectively so irreversibly and permanently cancelling her and causing such a brutal permeating effect of only increasing severity of negative side effects to those around her over time.
Such a person CLEARLY does not have Kimi's best interests in mind, and is not someone she should stay married to anyways, even if she would rather commit suicide than give being with me a real chance. And if whoever she might secretly be married to does not harbor such malicious intent towards her as to force her to stay in that marriage even at the cost of her sanity and ultimately life, then that person should be actively encouraging her to move on from them, divorce them, and pursue a much healthier connection with me before it's too late. So no matter what, if Kimi went and got secretly married, it was absolutely certainly a mistake.
Personally, I don't think Kimi already went and got married, but let's just say that I might as well be notably concerned of the possibility that she is currently or is planning to be secretly engaged. In that case, everything I'm saying about her being married still applies, except she's in an even WORSE situation if she doesn't break off that engagement in favor of extremely seriously pursuing a lifelong relationship and marriage with me.
Considering the situation I've covered in Leslie's entry about how Leslie and Edison broke off their extremely meaningful long-time relationship and engagement in the face of my recent return, presumably attempting to demonstrate to me that they take me so seriously they're willing to break off even an extremely serious engagement if I want Leslie, then such an action is COMPLETELY transparently exposed as EXTREMELY disgustingly disingenuous if Kimi and whoever she might secretly be engaged to, of which their engagement must've started much more recently, do not promptly break off their engagement so I can have Kimi.
Although Kimi was definitely the catalyst for me deciding to ever start writing this book, Chloe was actually the reason I got so much jail time over it. This isn't something I'm assuming; this is what my first lawyer (I had a total of two different lawyers throughout the entire duration of dealing with the criminal charges I faced as a result of the initial release of this book) explicitly told me. Because Chloe lives in the same country as I do, the threats I made against her are seen as much more likely to be acted upon, and therefore much more concerning, making the book a severe instance of what's called in the legal system an "aggravating factor".
Chloe fucking lied to the cops so much. SO MUCH. It makes me so fucking livid just thinking about it.
She completely denied I ever touched her butt back in high school. When asked, she said I "pestered her to but didn't". WTF?!
First of all, asking once to get an answer, once more after the answer was an extremely mixed message flirty as fuck smile, giggle, and seemingly aroused inquiry of simply "why?" with a huge smile on her face, and one final time after even the second response very strongly came off like she thought I was messing with her for some really strange reason she couldn't understand, ISN'T FUCKING PESTERING. It's called showing that the request is genuinely desired, serious, and transparent at face value; I didn't want her thinking I was fucking trolling her or had some ulterior motive! What the fuck is this bitch on?!
Second of all, I DID ACTUALLY TOUCH HER BUTT! If I didn't, then why the fuck did she have me charged for sexual assault for touching her butt?! And why the fuck would I ever have plead guilty to doing it?! I've NEVER been such a severely, rather COMPLETELY spineless pathetic coward pushover idiot with zero self-respect! If she'd tried to charge me with sexual assault for touching her butt when I'd never done such a thing, there's no fucking way in hell I'd EVER even CONSIDER accepting that. I'd fucking demand she presents exactly the time and date such a supposed action occurred, and that the cameras in the school better have fucking captured this alleged behavior in their footage, or she'd better shut the fuck up and stop slandering me! I would've taken that shit to trial and crushed it! Who the fuck does this fucking bitch think I am?!
She completely denied I ever admitted to her that I like her. It was such a fucking blatant lie too; first she says no never, then she claims I did in a later message on Facebook, then she claims she "doesn't remember". What the fuck. Back in high school before I ended up touching her butt due to feeling so fucked up from the severity of the mixed signals she was giving me in the private 1-on-1 encounter where I was very explicitly expressing very considerable interest and sexual attraction towards her, I literally fucking asked her out. I FUCKING VERY SERIOUSLY ASKED TO DATE THIS BITCH RIGHT TO HER FACE, AND NOW I'VE NEVER ADMITTED TO LIKING HER?! DO YOU VERY SERIOUSLY ASK OUT PEOPLE YOU DON'T LIKE?! WHAT DOES VERY SERIOUSLY ASKING SOMEONE OUT COMMUNICATE TO THEM?!
Chloe is the only person I ever asked out throughout my entire high school experience. I'm pretty sure she knew this too, because I certainly didn't have any kind of reputation for being a player or ever having asked out anyone before. So she also knew that it meant something very significant that I had done so, and the whole situation with how it was a private 1-on-1 and how I'd clearly expressed intense sexual arousal towards her right beforehand must've only made the great intensity of my interest in her that much more obvious to her. I talked to multiple women every day, some of which were very flirty with me, and yet I never seriously pursued any of them and instead went to her and took her aside alone to express extremely strong sexual attraction towards her and ask her out, and I never admitted to her that I like her? Who's the delusional one here? Did she develop memory loss or something?
She claimed she "stayed friendly because she was dating Herman". What the fuck?! There's so much wrong with this! I started ignoring her after she told me for the third time that she hates me, with a fucking giggle and smile on her face, in response to me telling her I love her. She wasn't friendly with me; she seemed all too happy to be ignored by me! This happened before she ever started dating Herman!
To be fair to her, I wasn't exactly acutely aware/receptive of romance back in high school. I actually straight up didn't even consider that her response was possibly quite flirty in nature and I probably should've came up with some clever way to express sincerity of my feelings instead of taking what she said at face value and getting deeply upset at her for hating me for what I felt must've just been her seeing me as a fundamentally shitty person based on I didn't even know what. Hell, even just politely asking her to talk with me alone for a moment and just honestly confessing intense attraction towards her and desire to date her might've resulted in her reciprocating the feeling and us ultimately starting to date. Although hearing her later tell me in that private 1-on-1 that she's only into Asians makes that quite unlikely, so I can't say I regret not doing so.
I think I'd been too scarred by how I'd gotten clowned shitless in elementary school for confessing to a girl I'd liked named Kathy, and in high school, I'd decided I was too "cool" to open up and ever confess to anyone, even Chloe who I really liked a lot, definitely far more than anyone else in the entire school. I also didn't realize early on how insanely intensely I really liked her, and I remained in denial so badly for so long that even though I was already masturbating to her several times daily extremely consistently by the end of high school, I was still telling myself I'd eventually just forget about her and move on when I found the Korean goddess of my fantasies, since I'd finally gotten the courage to ask Chloe out towards the end of high school, but had gotten rejected.
Little did I know that more than a decade after starting to masturbate to her, I'd still be masturbating to Chloe multiple times daily extremely consistently, I'd find that Korean goddess of my fantasies and masturbate to her multiple times daily extremely consistently too, and I'd just end up wanting both her and Chloe at the same time forever.
She presented the reason for my knowledge about her family issues as "we had mutual friends so he would know". She also mentioned that it was known "among her closer group of friends" and that it was "only known to people who are really close to her".
I never asked anyone anything about her. Nobody else ever told me anything about her. It was well known we were ignoring each other, and you could fucking feel the tension when I was around that friend group because of it. She was definitely careful never to discuss it when I was around, I couldn't fucking go casually ask one of her really close friends about personal shit about her life and have them casually fucking tell me, and they definitely weren't going to just randomly tell me for shits and giggles! What the fuck?! The ONLY way I could EVER obtain that knowledge is if she told me DIRECTLY HERSELF! Which she did, when we were talking, right after I touched her butt. So based on her previous statement, I suddenly became someone she considered very close, right after being touched on her butt by me supposedly against her will?! WTF?!
If she lies so much about shit to the cops, it only puts into question her feelings towards me even further, at least as far as I'm concerned. Since it certainly doesn't seem like she plans to act right, I'm only left to assume she did so to attempt to maximize the punishment I faced and/or to further gaslight me into thinking I ever had a chance, as an extension of her extremely cruel fucked up sadistic attitude. My feelings remain the same. I extremely deeply wish she'd drastically change this attitude, and I'd like to have both Kimi and her at the same time forever. Considering the fact that I'm probably never getting a consensual sexual relationship with either of them, and I don't even slightly care for a sexual or romantic relationship with anyone else in this world (despite having one with someone I want it with being extremely important to me), the outcome of this situation definitely isn't going to be pretty at all.
Seeing Chloe be so fucking shameless about slandering me to the criminal justice system like this only makes me feel that much more justified in being as brutal as I can be at the time of The Great Retribution, if she truly intends to commit to remaining distant with me and causing deep resent and hatred towards her to start building inside me. Somehow, despite the situation, I still currently have extremely deep love for her. I don't know how, but I do. Although this certainly won't remain the case for much longer, unless she starts treating me the way she should be instead of this extremely fucked up bullshit she's been doing for so long.
When confronted with the fact that I masturbate to her multiple times daily, her immediate response was "It must be exhausting". Wow. Exhausting? It's been the most pleasurable part of my life by far for a very long time, even now at times feeling even better than masturbating to Kimi. Exhausting is certainly not how I'd ever describe it. Refreshing, invigorating, relaxing, and extremely pleasant are infinitely far better descriptions. It's certainly bittersweet, since there's a lot of anger and frustration towards her, because of all her massive fuckery she's inflicted on me, but goddamn do I enjoy touching myself while I look at her body. I still masturbate to her multiple times daily and greatly enjoy it. I still think she has the second most attractive body in the world (second only to Kimi). In fact, to be completely honest, I often feel like their sex appeal is straight up tied, and they're both incomparably perfectly sexy in their own way.
I'd bet money she's touched herself thinking of me many times in her life. She probably has been doing so and feeling really good about it particularly so in more recent times after learning how extremely aroused by her I really am. Still, I suppose there's no chance she'd ever admit it. She probably actually has considerable trouble believing I'm actually being sincere when I talk about how much I masturbate to her and how greatly I enjoy it. It actually hurts me a lot that she probably thinks I'm just doing this to her as some kind of really fucked up revenge and perhaps just using her to make Kimi jealous. The revenge and making Kimi jealous are just added bonuses if Chloe's such a piece of shit that knowing the truth still doesn't convince her to promptly change her attitude and behavior towards me.
It seems like there's no way she could ever love me or consent to physical sexual intimacy with me, no matter how badly I want it or how powerful I am and what will happen to her if she doesn't. She'd rather just get twisted, sadistic satisfaction knowing I touch myself looking at pictures of her, that she intentionally posted in the past for me to touch myself to, after learning that I'm extremely attracted to her and find her butt especially arousing. The fucking bitch even went and dyed her hair both pink and purple on different occasions after rejecting me and continuing to distance herself from me after high school, despite to my face back in high school telling me that's really weird for hair colors for me to like and she'd never dye her hair those colors. Well, she'll get what she deserves for being this way. Stupid suicidal piece of shit.
She made me so attracted to her that I've been masturbating to her multiple times daily for over a decade and I still want to constantly, cumming an absolute bare minimum of at least twice a day to her, even on days I'm otherwise exclusively masturbating to Kimi. It's frustrating beyond words how badly I want her and how unlikely it seems that I'll ever have her. She makes me so fucking unbelievably horny. How she fucked with me only makes everything worse, and I'm extremely upset that I've wanted her so badly for so long and I'll never get to do anything with her willing to.
When I saw her again at that convention for the first time after all these years to warn her about my position and feelings towards her and the book I was writing which would have considerable negative impact on her life if she didn't communicate with me openly, honestly, and transparently, she told me she hadn't really changed since high school. In high school, she was desperately throwing herself at Herman despite him constantly making it painfully clear he's into short and petite girls (the exact opposite of her body type), and doing so out of what quite clearly appeared to be extreme jealousy and pettiness over Jerry not finding her attractive either because he's into chicks with dicks and she has a vagina (which she let him feel up in the front foyer of our high school in front of me at one point, btw), as Jerry and Herman were best friends. She also, even with me present at times, threatened to commit suicide over neither of them really seeming to find her attractive, and nobody else really finding her attractive or wanting to be with her either.
If she hasn't really changed since high school, then that means that she's probably still regularly threatening to commit suicide if Herman and Jerry cut her out of their lives, still struggling with the fact that her body type is the complete opposite of what Herman likes and considerably different from what Jerry likes as well, and still secretly extremely horny for me when faced with my obviously extremely intense arousal and attraction towards her.
I approached Chloe on two occasions on that day. The second time, I was recording her with my phone, which I was holding right in front of my chest and making it quite obvious what it was doing. Right on video, which I still have but won't release publicly because I'd rather not reward her with that kind of attention for being such a fucking fake bitch, she looked right at my crotch the moment she could do so without me immediately noticing, when I had my head turned to the side to talk to a staff lady that had approached to ultimately tell me I should visit other booths and leave her alone, which I did.
If Chloe was truly grossed out at me and hated me for touching her butt in high school and didn't feel extremely intense arousal and attraction towards me, I can't imagine her ever doing that. She must've been really turned on, which further validates my perspective from that experience that she's currently deeply unhappy with life, feels deeply unfulfilled with her current "relationship" with Herman (if that part she told the cops wasn't also a lie, which it probably is), and would extremely clearly realize she'd much rather be with me if she stopped being so extremely dishonest with herself.
I feel like no matter how much I think about it, if I'm completely honest with myself, I truly do consider having both Kimi and Chloe at the same time forever to be the most eternally incomparably desirable wildest fantasy of mine, and I don't want to be dishonest to anyone about that. I truly feel like I completely want and deserve to have both Kimi and Chloe at the same time forever. From my perspective, since I'm the ruler of the world, I could ask for a harem of any number of women all at the same time, and all of those women would be in quite a deeply disturbing predicament not to throw themselves at me and ultimately commit to spending their lives with me if I made it extremely clear I wanted as much from them. This could've even included many women that had previously shown no love, interest, or attraction towards me whatsoever in their lives, and perhaps even ones that were already in very fulfilling loving relationships or even marriages.
Instead, I want to be completely publicly honest that I truly, more than anything else I could ever fathom this life having to offer, will forever extremely deeply desire these 2 women, both of which are not married or in any kind of remotely truly fulfilling relationship, who have also both shown extremely intense desire and arousal towards me upon being made aware by me of my extremely intense desire and arousal towards them, which persisted for several years and appears to possibly continue even right up to now, only considerably increasing in intensity since in that case, for which my feelings have also intensified considerably towards. I'd be effectively greatly increasing the quality of both of their lives, and both of them mine, if we were to be in an extremely unique 3-way relationship. I believe this would ultimately be the absolute best case scenario for everyone involved, by far, for many reasons.
The essence of those reasons comes down to two very important things. First, based purely on how much I've masturbated to these two women, and how I continue to very intensely every single day with incomparable pleasure, I already find it quite impossible that I'd ever truly be satisfied without having both of them at the same time for eternity. Second, there's also the extremely deeply concerning fact that considering what they ultimately were trying to do is exactly the same (use what they knew was my extremely intense sexual arousal and romantic desire towards them in order to manipulate me, gaslight the fuck out of me into thinking I ever had a chance with them when I never even remotely did, ravage my sanity and ruin my life as much as they could, and ultimately hope they could drive me to suicide for their own personal comfort and benefit), they've both been incomparably extremely severely pieces of absolutely immeasurable shit to me so far at this point to such an extent that if I were ever to tolerate letting one of them get away with not having to pleasure me with physical intimacy whenever I desire for eternity, the other would feel entitled to also get away with not doing so, and likely even believe I want her to pursue doing so. I find this prospect extremely deeply disturbing and absolutely unacceptable to any degree.
I'm well aware of my feelings, but I really don't want it to seem like my feelings for Chloe are intended to neutralize or invalidate to any extent the severity of my feelings for Kimi, which is why I found it appropriate to refrain from mentioning the entirety of my perspective until this point. Because of the reality of the situation, there's an extremely unfortunate possibility that she might even single-handedly ruin any possible relationship with Kimi, because my feelings for her may be seen by Kimi as simply some kind of passive-aggressive revengeful taunting, while she herself would rather face an extremely brutal retribution than ever do the right thing and be with me, effectively leaving me denied of either woman and left only with isolation and extremely brutal retribution in a world where I would've otherwise possibly at least had the heavenly kind of relationship with Kimi that I've always wanted.
I find this extremely deeply disturbing, but I have to accept that things are the way they are and I have to be honest with myself and others, take the risks I feel the need to take, and see what happens in the end as a result. All I can really do is try to minimize any notion anyone reasonably intelligent could have that I'm possibly attempting to sabotage my connection with one or both of these women in being honest about the full extent of my feelings towards each of them, do my best to try to show that a healthy relationship with Kimi is my priority, and hope for the best. Hopefully, even if Chloe is such a completely irredeemable piece of shit that she's unwilling to throw herself at me despite the circumstances and severely detrimental consequences for her of not doing so, Kimi doesn't hate me for feeling how I do. I mean, is it so wrong that she's not the only woman in the world I have any serious desire to engage in frequent sexual intimacy with forever? Anyone else would probably totally go for a fucking harem of several women if they could, but I wouldn't care for any woman besides these two even if every other woman in the world threw themselves at me... I'd be enjoying these two far too much to ever care or want anyone else...
If things don't go my way, I'm not even going to bother thinking about exactly what kind of role this bitch had in things failing; I'm just going to remember that she was a source of significant pain and suffering for me throughout so many years that I wanted her so badly, and that I'll still be turned on by her so insanely greatly forever with no even remote possibility of ever getting over her to any degree. Which will absolutely certainly lead to me exacting an extremely brutal retribution on her in the future.
When faced with the fact that the extremely deeply disturbed state that being denied of her will result in will lead to me going into isolation to do intense quantum energy harvesting meditation in preparation for an extremely brutal retribution on all those that severely hurt me, of which she's one of the primary targets, and then ravaging the world, her response to the cops was literally just a fucking "ok".
This woman is clearly severely fucked in the head.
I have paperwork of my disclosure documents for my criminal case that prove she said the things to the cops that I'm asserting that she did, which I'm refraining from sharing in public simply because I don't want to give her too much attention. I'm certainly not trying to reward her for torturing me how she is and has been for over a decade now with her sex appeal that is incomparable in my eyes, only ever possibly being exceeded by Kimi.
From behavior I've observed after being released from my second jail bit, since communicating with several people very significant in Kimi's life, it appears to me that they likely reached out to Chloe entirely of their own volition, likely to attempt to better understand the situation and the full picture of her place in it. I've gotten the extremely deeply disturbing feeling that she's been attempting to use my feelings for her as some kind of leverage to force them to give her attention publicly so she feels like I've "earned" her love and she can feel more comfortable warming up to me.
I find this to be absolutely disgusting unapologetic psychopath behavior, and I have warned everyone I've been communicating with in no uncertain terms that they should not help her at all if this is the case. That is not behavior of someone that truly loves me, and it's not setting a foundation for a relationship where she ever could truly love me at any point in the future either. I'd only be okay with such behavior if I was a massive masochist with absolutely zero self-respect that wanted to be used, abused, and ultimately abandoned by Chloe, and THAT COULDN'T BE FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH IN EVERY SINGLE WAY!!! At this point, I feel quite certain Chloe doesn't even know what love really is, and might never even be capable of loving anyone for the rest of her likely drastically shortened extremely miserable psychotic life.
I'm truly uncertain exactly how she feels about me and will feel about me in the future, although as of this point in time, I feel quite certain she's a completely unapologetic absolutely disgusting psychopath that never had anything even remotely resembling love for me or anyone else she's ever "liked". At this point, I can only wonder and dream if I'll ever get to live out any of my fantasies with her, at least as far as a consensual connection goes, and it seems extremely unlikely. It hurts and disturbs me extremely deeply every single day, and I find it virtually impossible that that'll ever change.
Although I have love for her (because I can't help but feel some type of way for someone who has and continues to turn me on so much I've profusely masturbated to her multiple times every single day for over a decade now and still greatly enjoy doing so to), I don't currently have any trust or respect whatsoever for what appears to be such a disgustingly unapologetic heartless psychopath manipulator. And she doesn't deserve any better. If she had even a speck of true self-love and self-respect, she wouldn't be acting the way she is. I certainly know better than to have any trust or respect for someone that does not truly have any love or respect for themselves.
She probably even has wavering trust in herself too, yet she's so ridiculously stubborn and mentally disturbed that even feeling that way doesn't shake her to her core sufficiently to make her realize she seriously needs to change her priorities, attitudes, and behaviors in life. How someone is capable of functioning in such a state without committing suicide is completely beyond me. How they are able to function in society without being a homeless drug addict constantly visibly on the verge of death by overdosing on Fentanyl is completely beyond me. This world is truly an extremely fucked up place.
But you know what, maybe it's not all bad. Maybe all hope isn't lost yet. If she's this fucking desperate to try to use my feelings for her to get fame now, then maybe there's a chance I won't be denied of sex with her forever. Perhaps she'll eventually start getting increasingly horny thinking of my feelings for her, and she'll eventually start feeling increasingly frustrated with being completely denied of both the sex and the professional benefit of being a proper part of my life.
Instead of her thinking she can call the shots, eventually, she might be painfully forced to sober up and probably send me those pictures of her butt in tight, black, shiny latex leggings that she knows I so extremely badly want, along with a video of her in them giving me the most tender sensual loving JOI she can ever fathom giving me through a video, begging me to masturbate to her as much as I possibly can, and desperately hoping I enjoy the view enough that I want to experience it in person and eventually enjoy her presence enough that I feel like I can comfortably love and trust her.
While her intentions would probably, at least initially, be extremely disgustingly selfish, shortsighted, shallow, naive, destructive, suicidal, sadistic, and psychotic, mine would be much more intelligent, mature, refined, and loving. I would use the opportunity she'd be giving me to communicate with her to try my absolute best to help her find herself, grow as a person, and truly change away from being such a disgusting psychopath. I'd make sure that I make her cum really hard repeatedly during sexual intimacy with me and make her absolutely addicted to sexual intimacy with me.
Hopefully, eventually, she'll lower her insane icy bitch psychopath walls down, and be much more open to warmth, pleasure, love, and happiness, than the extremely disgusting and miserable hate-filled garbage mentality and life that she's currently clinging on to so stubbornly. This is her only hope at not ultimately dying an extremely brutal early death, and I certainly wish she'd let me save her from such a dark fate. But that decision is ultimately completely in her own hands.
As a result of more recent communication with several of Kimi's close friends after finishing my second jail bit, I noticed a quite peculiar stream take place with Celine, Sydney, Jodi, and Jaime. Not even 10 minutes in, I started feeling an essay coming on. Within less than 30 minutes, I felt absolutely convinced Jaime has been an EXTREMELY significant part of the problem that I'm increasingly extremely deeply disturbed by every single day, and I knew I had to put her in her place.
When the card for "always makes the executive decision" was pulled, Celine pretty much instantly turned her head to Jaime and said "Jaime?". As I watched further, when I saw how everyone reacted as well for the "has a dark side" card, I really started to feel a disturbing feeling. The "has revelations about life that lead to bouts of crying" card really convinced me I was right about that feeling.
This, combined with several things I'd silently noticed Jaime tweeting and doing in the past throughout the years, just suddenly made everything feel like it came together in this really fucked up way that pissed me off REALLY BADLY.
The following is a direct copy and paste of what I told her in an e-mail, shared also with all of the other people closely in Kimi's life that I've been communicating with.
Jaime, WHAT THE FUCK. I understand we were sweet to each other the first and only time we've met. I could feel that you were hitting on me both IRL and when I later had a conversation with you in Discord DM's. I hope you can agree that I certainly wasn't blatantly flirting with you in any way at any point. I literally only had like one convo with you and I was literally just being nice. I can understand that perhaps for quite some time you may have thought I was chasing one of your best friends and basically ignoring you as some kind of tactic to make you jealous and play hard to get. BUT I HAVEN'T TALKED TO YOU IN YEARS AND YOU HAVE NO GOOD REASON TO STILL BELIEVE I'M INTERESTED IN YOU. YOU HAVEN'T HAD A GOOD REASON FOR YEARS. AT THIS POINT, YOU HAVE A FUCKING BOYFRIEND YOU'VE HAD FOR QUITE SOME TIME NOW FOR FUCK'S SAKE. WHEN THE HELL DID YOU START MAKING EXECUTIVE DECISIONS??? KIMI SHOULD BE THE ONE MAKING THE EXECUTIVE DECISIONS!!! IT SHOULD'VE BEEN HER MAKING THE EXECUTIVE DECISIONS FOR YEARS NOW!!!
I suppose it's not ENTIRELY your fault, since Kimi's tendency to wallow in self-pity and self-hatred definitely must've considerably helped fuel you feeling justified in so ridiculously obsessing over me for so long despite being blatantly COMPLETELY ignored and neglected by me for LITERALLY YEARS and even despite literally being in a very public relationship for a considerable period of time now.
That being said, I'm definitely going to have to put an end to this obsession of yours that comes from some insane delusion that I'm attracted to you or pursuing you in any way. I do not, never have, and never will find you romantically attractive. This is not reverse psychology. I'm not playing hard to get. No, you can't convince me in any way to change my mind. You're just not what I look for in a partner in literally any way.
Don't take this the wrong way. You're a beautiful woman and whoever gets to have you is lucky. But I don't want you. I've always only wanted Kimi. I went to that meetup to meet Kimi, not you. I talked to you most of the time because I wanted to make Kimi really jealous, and it worked like a charm. The only thing about you that even REMOTELY would've given you a chance is the fact that you're a pretty Asian girl, but holy shit man, how many pretty Asian girls exist in the world? Do you think even 1 in 1000 of them remotely stand a chance at being at all truly appealing to me just by being pretty and Asian? Like sure, I've masturbated to you a couple times in my life long ago, but that's it. I'm long over it. There are so many pretty Asian girls that I've masturbated to once or twice. I don't want to date or marry them. I never have and I never will. You seem like a good friend, but that's all we'll ever be (and even then, only if I get Kimi). Friends. And not with benefits.
It might sound weird, but I didn't like how much you liked me so quickly. In fact, in psychology, it's accepted that it's NOT GOOD for someone to like you too much too fast. It sets the relationship up to be too much of a rollercoaster for each other to demonstrate healthy affection. Kimi's approach was one I felt MUCH more comfortable with. It was much more mature and set up to allow me to demonstrate affection in a much more meaningful, fair, and gradual way where we could both earn each other's trust in a really reliable and comfortable way and work towards a connection where if we did ever end up dating, we'd pretty much certainly already know we plan to get married and spend our lives together, so Kimi could feel completely confident I wasn't just using her for her fame, and she'd be able to love me wholeheartedly and know our connection is completely sincere. She wouldn't see me as someone lesser than her that she was giving a chance; she'd see us as equals that extremely deeply love each other and value the presence we have in each others' lives. The sex would be extremely tender, sensual, passionate, and satisfying for both of us. Everything about it always felt so right to me.
With you, I felt like I'd end up your slave, which is a big no-no to me. And look at your current boyfriend. He's basically your slave. If he's that way in regular day-to-day life, I don't even want to imagine how you treat him in bed. I already knew before I even met you that you're into BDSM stuff, and that's a huge turn-off to me too. Physically, your body isn't anything special to me either. You're really cute, and you certainly have sex appeal, but you're much more cute than sexy. I've always been looking for someone that's much more of a balance between cute and sexy, leaning more towards sexy. That's definitely MUCH more Kimi than you. And I'm certainly not suggesting that you attempt to change.
I'd MUCH rather be with even Celine than you, and there's no way in hell I'd ever be with Celine either, because she gives off way too hard sadistic vibes too. But at least Celine has a really nice ass, really nice tits, and a gorgeous face. Her body isn't as nice as Kimi's (in my opinion), but she's pretty close. She's also Korean (like Kimi), which I find much hotter than any other Asian race. If Kimi didn't exist, I probably would've tried chasing her like I chased Kimi, if she'd given me the same kind of attention, and hoped that I could somehow make her less sadistic so her attitude wouldn't be such a turn-off to me. But since Kimi exists, I find Kimi's body even hotter, and I've already worked on such an insanely promising connection with her, I will forever find Kimi infinitely more appealing than Celine. If neither Kimi nor Celine existed, I probably would've tried pursuing Becca. The point is you never even remotely stood a chance. Sorry if it hurts to hear. But you need to hear it. Get over yourself, please and thank you.
This having to constantly reject popular streamer girl after popular streamer girl shit is getting really fucking old and irritating. THE ONLY ONE OF YOU I'VE EVER REALLY WANTED IS KIMI AND THAT'S NEVER CHANGING. STOP FUCKING TRYING. PLEASE AND THANK YOU. IF YOU LIKE ME AND YOU'RE NOT KIMI, YOU ARE ALREADY REJECTED. DON'T MAKE KIMI FEEL JEALOUS. DON'T TRY TO CONTROL HER FEELINGS FOR ME. DON'T LET HER CONVINCE YOU THAT IT'S OKAY TO WANT TO SHOW ME AFFECTION AND STEAL ME AWAY FROM HER. HOLY FUCK CAN I MAKE MYSELF ANY MORE CLEAR? I DON'T THINK SO. GET THE FUCKING CLUE.
I'm definitely as far as it gets from ever being sexually or romantically interested in men no matter what, and that's never changing. But I'd MUCH rather exact The Great Retribution than EVER even CONSIDER being with Jaime at this point. I hope she gets the clue and stops acting like such a suicidal sadistic bitch, before it's too late. But I guess she probably won't, because she's too much of a fucking psychopath.
Fuck you, bitch.
I've hardly watched any of this woman's content, but the little bit I have watched of her, I've witnessed some SERIOUSLY sadistic attitudes by her that FAR exceed levels I've ever witnessed in even years of extremely closely observing Kimi. Celine fucking terrifies me. In the worst way possible.
Despite having been essentially introduced to my existence to any significant level of detail in a way that should be EXTREMELY disturbing to her, especially considering her past sexual traumas, she has instead formed an obsession with me where she has been going well out of her way for an extended period of time now to get my attention and attempt to express affection towards me. What makes this magnitudes worse and ridiculously sadistic and suicidal is the fact that she's doing so in an EXTREMELY transparently disingenuous way, by doing practically the EXACT same kind of shit Kimi did, just with a lot less emotional connection and a lot more hair dying, cleavage showing, and lip gloss wearing. Yikes.
It's just extremely trashy and creepy to me, and I've told her that more than once in no uncertain terms, but she still continues. It seems she's so ridiculously sadistic and suicidal that she only wishes to add insult to injury to what Kimi already is doing to me, and now Celine wants to try to gaslight me that I ever had any remote chance with her as well. Despite the fact that I've hard rejected her in no uncertain terms. Multiple times now. She's painfully obviously all too aware of how arousing her body would be to me, since she has a body quite similar to Kimi's in a lot of ways.
I'm sure many people would consider her to be even more attractive than Kimi, since she has bigger breasts and she's much better at games, from what I can tell. Bigger isn't always better, at least in my personal opinion, and I personally don't really care how good a woman is at video games. I've told her these things too, and still she doesn't back off.
She probably thinks she has a really high chance of succeeding to get my affection, since she's closer to my age than Kimi is, she has nobody she's seriously involved with romantically, and her now deep involvement in the situation combined with her inclination to help and protect her friends makes her a natural choice for me if Kimi is set on rejecting me, probably thinking I'll eventually cave in and decide to settle for being with her instead if Kimi makes it clear I can never have the kind of relationship with her I've always wanted and have been working towards with such great intensity throughout the past nearly 5 years.
WRONG. SO FUCKING WRONG. W R O N G.
I'll admit I've masturbated to her more than once or twice. I've masturbated to her more than I've masturbated to most women. It doesn't even make sense to deny that a woman that has a body so similar to that of the love of my life and who would've probably been the one I chased if Kimi didn't exist is able to turn me on more than most women, especially if she appears to be considerably aroused by and interested in me. But I've never really enjoyed masturbating to her after the first couple times long ago. And I CERTAINLY don't want to date or marry her. I'd be perfectly content never engaging in any kind of sexual intimacy with her in my life. In fact, I would specifically deny her the opportunity to, even if she wore extremely sexy shiny latex outfits and vigorously threw herself at me in all the ways she unfortunately by now knows I'd find most arousing.
She creeps me the fuck out! I've never really enjoyed seeing her show interest in me, and I find it extremely hard to believe she could ever truly feel aroused by me for the right reasons. I feel pretty certain she's masturbated thinking of me more than once or twice in her life too, but not for reasons I'd ever enjoy. I feel like she fantasizes about tying me up, torturing the shit out of me, cutting my dick up, and murdering me in extremely brutal ways, which I find extremely concerning and a massive turn-off. I find it virtually impossible that she's imagining tender, sensual, pleasant, warm, love-filled sexual intimacy with me if she ever masturbates thinking of me. And even if she somehow did, I STILL don't want her.
I don't feel a real, strong, lasting romantic emotional connection with her. I don't feel the trust or respect there. I feel like even if she doesn't want to murder me, she wants to be extremely sadistic to me and treat me like shit and expect me to not only tolerate but enjoy it. And any time I'd try to speak up about it, she'd just bring up how I forced her to re-live her past sexual traumas and tell me I should shut up and be grateful that she still loves me so much she's willing to pleasure me even to whatever extent she would.
She'd shove it down my throat that I deserve whatever sadistic attitudes she inflicts upon me because she feels like I sadistically enjoyed torturing her mentally and I should be willing to let her do the same to me. Being with her would make me extremely suicidal, and I'd probably end up committing suicide out of extremely intense shame, guilt, and regret. I'm not suicidal and I'm not trying to become suicidal, so this prospect is only extremely deeply disturbing and completely unacceptable to me.
To make things EVEN WORSE, I feel pretty much certain that Peter is secretly EXTREMELY in love with Celine, and this fuckery that Kimi, Jaime, and Celine have all been doing is driving them apart and leaving them all deeply unhappy and ultimately suicidal. Celine's continued obsession with me makes her feel justified in being extremely cruel to Peter and trying to force him to be content with Kimi so I'm left stuck with Celine. Despite how extremely destructive and suicidal this is. Celine is EXTREMELY selfish, narcissistic, and psychotic. What a bitch. It's absolutely disgusting and I despise her for it.
I'm definitely as far as it gets from ever being sexually or romantically interested in men no matter what, and that's never changing. But I'd MUCH rather exact The Great Retribution than EVER even CONSIDER being with Celine at this point. I hope she gets the clue and stops acting like such a suicidal sadistic bitch, before it's too late. But I guess she probably won't, because she's too much of a fucking psychopath.
Fuck you, bitch.
It EXTREMELY deeply disturbs, haunts, and terrorizes me, the feeling that this disgusting scumbag bastard is secretly married to the love of my life. It makes me want to choke him to death with my bare hands, throw him in a deep freeze, chop up his body, burn it to ashes in an incinerator, and disperse his remains into the ocean, never to be known of again. It's not me he should be worried about doing that to him though. The Shadow Confederation has cleaners (professional serial killers) for that kind of thing.
He has an EXTREMELY toxic relationship with Kimi. They've both cheated on each other SEVERAL times. They're both EXTREMELY fake to each other. In my first real conversation with Kimi in Discord DM's, she admitted to me that she thinks he's nothing special, and she's extremely depressed at having to reject me, probably because she'd already secretly committed herself to him. I feel like all these mental breakdowns and fucked up behaviors she's forced me to deal with throughout the years is because of her deeply disturbed state resulting from this.
I have EXTREMELY good reason to believe this, although I will be refraining from leaking that information as of right now, because I want to make it extremely painfully clear to Kimi and all of her friends that the opportunity I'm giving Kimi to change her mind on rejecting me is truly sincere and deadly serious. But if things don't change, I will certainly be releasing this information, and it will be extremely apparent what it is.
Peter needs to break off whatever the hell he probably has with Kimi. And he needs to do it as fast as possible. There's certainly a very reasonable amount of time it'd take to do such a thing, and I'm very willing to give him such a time period. He needs to make his true feelings of only really desiring a friendship clear to Kimi, while making his true feelings of wanting more from Celine also clear.
I understand this isn't exactly an easy task for him, and considering the behavior of Kimi, Jaime, and Celine, I consider him the lesser of evils in this equation, although I will not completely absolve him of all responsibility. I've done my best to try to give him advice on how to treat Kimi and Celine differently and stop being such a pussy ass bitch. It's now up to him to take this advice and act appropriately on it, or nosedive into destruction and ultimately suicide along with the rest of them.
Peter, if you're stealing Kimi from me, you're so fucked it's not even remotely funny. I have no fucking sympathy for you. Get fucked, you fucking suicidal pathetic scumbag clown motherfucker. Pussy ass bitch. Have a fun ride, you self-respectless piece of trash. But that's just my objectively biased opinion, right? Who cares, when you can drown yourself in your severe delusions and extremely destructive self-hatred?
Back when I was still talking to her, I sent Kimi dick pics that made her so horny she was visibly horny in VC and on stream right after, and you think she was horny for you? Even after I tell you? Fucking idiot. She never gets horny getting shitty memes from you, but says "send cat pics not dick pics" in a shitty fake as fuck meme tweet and suddenly you think cat pics will get her hot and bothered for you? Goddamn you're a fucking moron.
This woman wanted me SO much more badly than she's EVER wanted you, for SO long it's not even remotely funny. Look at my first real conversation with her. She's already calling you nothing special, getting excited trying to tell me she "doesn't just take the best guy on the block", and basically admitting that she's MUCH more excited to be with me if I pursue her in the most arousing and exciting way she could ever imagine, which I did.
Oh, but I guess my fucking vision is biased when looking at the words in my fucking chat log screenshots. Damn. You got me. Maybe getting Lasik will help.
Oh wait, I already know that won't help. I'm not a fucking clown like you.
Fuck you, bitch.
Rather shortly after the official release of the initial public revision of my book, despite the fact that he certainly should've known better, George decided to enter into a secret (well, she fucking lived with him in his house and literally fucking used his credit cards on stream, so perhaps not THAT secret) relationship with Kimi.
Although I'm pretty sure it'd be Peter who'd be the one Kimi secretly marries if she does so, it'd be careless of me to ignore the very real possibility that if George was stupid and suicidal enough to try stealing my woman so shamelessly shortly after I went harder than ever before pursuing her, he might really be so actively suicidal as to think marrying her means he succeeded.
He's one of the people I've been communicating with who I consider close to Kimi at this point, due to the extended communication he was a part of receiving after I was released from my first jail bit and started going off on Kimi and several close to her. I've already addressed to him in private how suicidal and destructive it'd be for him to even dream of staying in a marriage (or any kind of romantic relationship) with Kimi if he is currently involved as such with her, however I will address him in public as well.
George, you are SEVERELY mentally ill if by some absolute insanity you are still at all fucking with Kimi or ever see it even remotely viable to do so at any point in the future.
She's obviously just using you for your money, but I suppose that's not really a concern for you, since probably just about any woman that would ever be with you in your current extremely pathetic state would just be using you for your money, and you don't have the self-respect to really give a shit about yourself or the woman enough to actually care about something really important like that. You're too busy being an extremely pathetic thirsty masochistic loser, so you embrace it.
You probably also don't care that she has herpes, since you're such a fuckboy you probably already had herpes before having sex with her. I don't care that she has herpes either, but it's not because I already have it (I don't, and I know that for a fact because I specifically requested to be tested for it when I was at Ontario Shores, and I've never had sex or done anything that could get it transmitted to me since then); it's because I know I can eventually eliminate it from my own body as well as Kimi's rather trivially through quantum energy arts techniques.
The much bigger issue for you here, is that even if you weren't nearly so extremely pathetic, stealing Kimi from me is actively communicating that you have a death wish and are actively suicidal, completely regardless of whether or not you are consciously aware or accepting of this fact or not.
If you steal Kimi from me, the Shadow Confederation or the government might kill you. If they don't, some random person that reads my book and decides to kill you to try to be a hero and save the world so hopefully Kimi throws herself at me after you're dead might (although it'd probably be too late by then anyways). If even that doesn't happen, and take this in because it's probably even more likely than all the rest, Kimi herself might kill you.
You think that's farfetched? But don't forget you're severely mentally ill. You've been given infinite red flags of the highest caliber that Kimi is fucking batshit insane, extremely unhinged, and pretty much boundlessly psychotic unless she gets to spend her life with me. She sees me as the ultimate most dreamy partner, her soulmate she will feel extremely deeply disturbed for anyone to have seriously gotten in the way of her getting to spend her life with. She'd likely never tell you to your face, but if you can't get the clue, she probably won't want to wait around to have The Great Retribution exacted upon her because you're too much of a delusional thirsty suicidal masochist to break things off with her.
Did you know you're statistically much more likely to be murdered by someone close to you than a stranger? Look it up. And I'm not talking about Kimi shooting or stabbing you. Oh no, she's WAY too smart to do something so crude. While I won't share details with you of things I know she knows about, I will tell you this. If you're with her, she will undoubtedly expect you to trust her. Trust is a very dangerous thing. And when it's combined with someone who has controlling, sadistic, psychotic tendencies?
There are several ways she can kill you and make it look like an accident by basically baiting you into killing yourself inadvertently due to your obvious severe lack of awareness that you absolutely undoubtedly must possess if you're so mentally ill that you're not running the fuck away from this woman and never looking back after the things I've told you in the past and ESPECIALLY more recently.
If you're unfortunate enough for even that to not happen (and at this point, we're entering pretty unlikely territory, because one of those sources will most likely be the end of you if you steal Kimi from me), you will be left to face my wrath at the time of The Great Retribution, where I will make sure you thoroughly regret ever being born, and you will wish you had committed suicide or been murdered before I got to you.
Regardless of the exact source of your ultimate demise, you stealing Kimi from me means you have maybe 4 or 5 years left to live at the very most. And if you're suicidal enough to marry Kimi? Probably much less than that.
This is not a threat. This is a fact.
Easily by far the best rapper in the world in my opinion, this man's music gives me life.
While our struggles in life haven't been exactly the same, I can relate to a lot of what he's been through, and his music hits me in a very deep place inside.
Extremely inspiring, motivating, and a very powerful presence in my life daily unlike any other. I literally listen to his music every day. The raw emotion, depth, and power is fucking amazing. He's the rapper I wish I could be but I never was passionate enough about making music to become. I can't describe how I feel when I listen to his music beyond it gives me life.
He made me fully able to embrace my individuality and demonstrate to me very clearly how the savage nature of refined pure bidirectional apprehension as a core value can be presented in great glory.
He's one of the extremely few individuals that I've never even met before but suspect might have a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension already.
I know he has his own issues he still struggles with like OCD. I know he likes deep thought and dialogue. I hope that he reads this book and perhaps it makes him feel a little more enlightened and eases some of the fears, anxiety, tension, and sadness that I'm sure he feels in his heart. I feel quite confident he's read at least some of the initial version of my book and it's had a considerable impact in his life, which is pretty cool.
God bless you, dude. So many godly tracks. I'll be blasting your music on loudspeakers as I fly around destroying everything. Your flames shall scorch the earth with me.
Massive respect for this guy. Massive.
This man was a truly inspiring figure in my life.
At a time when I was really losing hope in life, his existence and his boldness to express his presence and abilities sparked a flame in me that will never burn out.
Seeing him demonstrating tier 1 quantum energy arts was what inspired me to do extensive research and work through a lot of information combined with my understanding of philopsychology to form the complete understanding of tier 3 quantum energy harvesting that forms the foundation of my ultimate authority power assertion presented within this book.
May he reach tier 2 after he reads this book. If he ever even reads it, that is. Some sources say he's already dead, and I've never communicated with him personally to know. If he's dead, I hope he rests in peace.
This man's story is truly inspiring.
I was originally exposed to him through his episode on "Impact Theory", which I've watched multiple times since.
His extremely strong willpower and unique perspective combined with his story makes him one of the very few people that really solidified my view of the sheer power of the human spirit being able to elevate oneself to a position of unfathomable greatness.
Another person I suspect, without ever having met him, might already have a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension. He's definitely at least at the unrefined variant, that's for sure.
You're a beast, dude. Props.
This man, while not achieving supernatural abilities from the quantum field, has achieved supernatural abilities in his own way.
In the field of social interaction.
Founder of The Social Man, he's the reason I learned the fundamentals of value systems and was able to ruminate on them ever since to greatly increase the quality of my life.
I don't care much for the tips with women, personally, because I'm an extremely unusual case with an insane life and insane standards where my romantic path is extremely atypical and rather straightforward from my perspective. But I'm sure he helps many other people with both their psychology and their romantic life.
You're a cool dude. Thank you.
This girl was a lot more patient and helpful than I thought she'd be.
After Kimi and I initially started growing distant and then she randomly had a mental breakdown on stream one day and nearly started crying talking about how she needed motivational videos to get out of bed in the morning because she pushed me away, Leslie was the one I reached out to in order to try to establish a connection with Kimi again.
I sent her several long messages, throughout a period of several months amounting to nearly a year, and she put up with me a lot longer than I ever thought she would. There were several points where I was really worried she'd block me, but she didn't.
It wasn't until she saw I was very serious about calling Kimi out on Ice's stream that she got freaked out and didn't want to feel like she was encouraging me to do it, so she blocked me; something I can totally understand and don't hold against her.
I'll always really appreciate the massive help she was to bring me and Kimi closer together.
I respect you.
It appears that Leslie and Edison have confirmed that they broke up, pretty much out of nowhere, coincidentally right around the time that I started communicating with them as part of a group of several people close to Kimi, to inform them of the rapidly increasing severity of the state of the situation. After seeing this, I promptly took the initiative to send another e-mail to the group addressing it. The following is a direct copy and paste from it.
I mean, I suppose it's technically possible that literally right around the time I came back, Leslie and Edison suddenly randomly decided they'd grown too far apart and wanted to break up. I suppose it's also technically possible that the intensity of my passion for my love for Kimi revealed to them that their relationship isn't the passionate thing it once was that they thought they wanted to last forever. But I find these things rather unlikely. Which means that you guys broke up because now by some hallucinations and delusions you think I want Leslie???
ARE YOU COOKED???
If you guys genuinely don't want to be together anymore, for reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with assuming I want Leslie, then I'm not going to tell you I'm forcing you to get back together. But otherwise, you're absolutely fried for doing this. I have respect for Leslie for helping me grow closer to Kimi. BUT THAT'S IT. I DON'T WANT TO BE WITH HER. I NEVER DID AND I NEVER WILL. CONSIDER THIS YET AGAIN ANOTHER HARD REJECTION OF YET ANOTHER FAMOUS FEMALE STREAMER THAT APPEARS TO WANT TO THROW HERSELF AT ME IN ONE WAY OR ANOTHER.
You guys are good for each other. Please don't fuck around thinking you're doing me any favors. You're really not. I only want Kimi and Chloe. I truly have absolutely zero desire for anyone else, and that's how it's always going to be. I don't think Leslie is even half as sexy as even Celine in any way, and once again, I have absolutely zero desire or intention to ever be with Celine. So I CERTAINLY would NEVER be with Leslie UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. I feel absolutely zero sexual desire towards her, and that's how it's always been and always will be. I've never masturbated to her even once in my entire life, and I highly doubt I ever will. Which I'm perfectly happy with.
Edison, go back to your future wife, please. I'm not trying to be a homewrecker for a wonderful relationship like this, and ESPECIALLY not for no real even remotely good reason. If you guys are willing to bend over backwards this hard to satisfy me, JUST GIVE ME KIMI THEN! That's the ONLY thing that you can do that will truly satisfy me. Everything else just makes me sad and angry to see and will not change my position at all, just make things more miserable for all of you.
I'm extremely shocked and disappointed that it seems through absolutely nothing at all I ever did to attempt to cause it to any extent, my return from my second jail bit viciously tore Leslie and Edison apart and promptly caused them to break up and break off their engagement. I never wanted this. I do not have, never had, and never will have any desire to be with Leslie to any degree. Clearly they love each other a lot. I hope they manage to fix their relationship and be happy together once again, because otherwise they are simply subjecting themselves to misery for absolutely nobody's benefit. I've now made this clear in no uncertain terms to both of them and several others very close to them.
But I wonder something. Is this a display of respect? Or just the most intense possible kind of hatred?
You must realize something. You cannot win against me with hatred. I'm doing everything I'm doing with love. And such a deep understanding of it that I wouldn't be surprised if all of you have considerable difficulty understanding. But I will certainly do everything in my power to attempt to make you understand. My efforts continue.
And if this was actually just something you guys wanted to do... Well, I don't really know what to say. Sorry for being so on edge that I assumed I had something to do with it, I guess. But I think you can understand where I'm coming from, particularly considering the timing. I don't mean to sound insensitive. It just seems extremely hard to believe to me, knowing all the things I know about what's going on behind the scenes.
This dude was the closest thing to a friend I've had for a long time, ever since he first reached out to me.
He reached out shortly after Leslie blocked me, basically to take over her role as the messenger passing on my long messages to Kimi, to try to help work through our situation.
He's also been very patient with me, and to this day still hasn't blocked me. I haven't spoken to him in quite some time (probably at least about 2 years now), and I see no reason to ever do so again unless things between me and Kimi end up working out, but it doesn't change how I feel about him.
Just like Leslie, I'll always really appreciate the massive help he was to bring me and Kimi closer together.
Much respect, dude. You're cool.
I've met Paul in real life on three separate occasions and each time was interesting and fun.
While I interacted with him, he was a lot more welcoming and accepting than he had to be, and although he didn't exactly paint me in the best light, he still gave me enough respect to straight up interview me on two separate occasions on stream and help me progress towards my goals in the best way he realistically could.
If I'd approached him initially in a different way and presented myself as less of someone completely engulfed in my connection with Kimi and more as simply a hardcore fan of his, I'm quite certain I could've had even more pleasant interactions with him on every occasion.
Additionally, since he was still running the CX Network and randomly giving people the opportunity to grow a following through his fan base using his website at the time I met him for the first time, once again if I had presented myself as more of simply a hardcore fan, I'm quite certain I'd even be given an opportunity to be a member of the CX Network while he was still running it and accepting random people into it and helping them to effectively instantly establish a following and community, which was an extremely valuable opportunity that nobody else in the world was offering, and it would've been a perfect opportunity to initially establish myself and start a profitable streaming career.
Although I didn't take advantage of the opportunity because establishing an extremely deep and loving connection with Kimi for the rest of our lives was my number one priority, I still have immense respect and appreciation towards the guy for ever having had the opportunity available in the first place.
The first time I met him, I literally straight up walked into his house and barged into his room in the middle of a stream, and although he was understandably frightened and reached for his knife and taser after a little while, he was still considerably chill overall and gave me nearly an hour of time on his stream to go off and get out what I needed to say, making my trip to LA in order to be able to do so completely worth it.
Additionally, the exposure he allowed me to have also allowed me to earn Kimi several followers from his community, which gives me another positive piece of value I've provided in Kimi's life that would further facilitate her having warmer feelings for me, for which I'm certainly grateful.
You did what you could. You helped. I respect you, dude. Thanks.
This dude seems like a real down-to-earth guy that's humble but also not afraid to snap and go off if you're gonna disrespect.
He's made some tracks that I really like, and that's certainly helped keep me inspired through hard times, but he's also on this list because he was the first person with at least some significant degree of influence that actually gave me straight up attention and respect.
I tweeted at him telling him that I believe he has a pure bidirectional apprehension variant as his core value and he retweeted it.
It's not a huge deal by any means, and it's not like it got my numbers up at all or anything, but it was more the sense of genuine respect and worthy recognition that he decided I deserved, when nobody else wanted to give it to me, that makes me feel like this guy's a real homie.
I haven't really said anything to him since, nor has he to me. I don't think I could seriously call us friends; I'm simply a fan of his music. But definitely a big one.
Like this legend said in WHAT'S LIFE?
I'm a fucking king you never seen, on a throne That you ain't ever seen cause I built it on my own If you really believe in me you gotta know That we ain't gonna stop till we motherfucking blow up I don't see the dollars I see more love All about confiding we ain't hiding so they know us
You a real one.
These guys didn't make the honorable mentions list in the initial release of this book, although their track "Fight Back" probably already should've earned them a spot. That was my mistake; a mistake I'm going to now correct.
In more recent times, they released some absolute flames. Combined with a few older songs of theirs I also really like, now there are several tracks I really enjoy from them.
According to the Wikipedia page, NEFFEX used to consist of two members, but now consists of just one. This dude is an absolute powerhouse. Going by "Bryce Savage", this dude is truly a savage of epic proportions.
His music is an extremely unique hybrid between rap, rock, and EDM, and I'm pretty sure he pulls it off far better than anyone else ever could. After the release of "How's It Supposed To Feel", I've been sharing the things I've been sending to several people close to Kimi with him as well, and as of my writing this, he's already released two absolutely blazing hot tracks, "Born A Rockstar" and "Manifest It". I've been sharing with him for only about two weeks, so that's literally a song a week he's released since.
I truly don't think anyone else in the world could've pulled this off. Wow. Truly unbelievable. Absolute legend.
I've promised you that I'm going to help you out whether I end up having to start war with Kimi and everyone associated with her or not, and I want you to know I truly intend to keep that promise.
You never disappoint, dude. Releasing insanely lit tracks so fast and so consistently that clearly show drawing immense inspiration from the e-mails I've been sharing with you. I feel like you're going to keep going too, and I'm super hyped to see what else you release. You must really be going through some shit in life yourself. Perhaps you're also extremely deeply attracted to a woman that's been extremely deeply wronging you for quite some time.
More power to you. I'm definitely one of your biggest fans.
It is a fact that for some reason I'm admittedly very uncertain of, some people seem to think I've been stalking Imane for years. I'm also admittedly not sure if it's a lot of people or a relatively small group of idiots, but there are people out there that believe this.
I haven't watched even five minutes of Imane's streams in my entire life. I haven't talked in her chat even once. I haven't ever tried to communicate with her in any way in my entire life. I have absolutely no reason or desire to stalk her in any way and I never have. This was the case when I released the initial version of this book and is still the case now.
I don't know why anyone thinks this, but it's certainly very possible that it's just some idiots that simply assume I'm some ultra pathetic loser that would stalk multiple popular female streamers, based solely on my notoriety regarding my connection with Kimi and how many idiots perceive that behavior of mine as stalking despite Kimi doing many underhanded things that she very intentionally knew show me interest, enjoyment, and desire to continue to be pursued by me. Of course, the same way many idiots think I'm just delusional and imagining Kimi's behavior being aimed towards communicating things to me, it makes a lot of sense that many idiots might think I'm just delusional and read into random shit female streamers do in general and think it's aimed at me, and that I do that with multiple women simultaneously. Realistically, considering how many jackass airhead dipshits exist in this world, this is probably the case.
Regardless, the fact also remains that I had an experience of someone coming into my Discord server, back when I had one, and appeared to be Imane on a throwaway account. I didn't find this significant enough at the time to even bother taking screenshots, so unfortunately, I have only my word and no evidence. This person harassed me and insulted my character several times, and at one point said she'd had lesbian sex with Kimi, clearly attempting to upset me and make me feel jealous.
I suppose this could've been a stunt by Kimi because she was bored and felt like fucking with me or something, and it very well could've even been some random person pretending to be Imane and know Kimi and know exactly the kinds of things to say to appear to know Kimi on at least a friendship basis. I went and checked Imane's channel when this was happening to see if she was streaming, which would pretty much instantly expose this person as a fake, and she wasn't... But that could've easily just been the person being smart enough to pull this stunt while first checking that Imane wasn't streaming, so I suppose that doesn't really say much.
I didn't have any good or bad feelings towards Imane before this incident, and the truth is I felt more or less the same way even afterwards. I wasn't even certain that it was actually Imane that did this, although some of the things she said seriously sounded strange for someone that didn't know Kimi personally to say. I won't give any specific examples, but let's just say it was enough that I felt quite convinced this wasn't some random troll. If this was a random troll, they must've been absolute god tier legendary status at trolling.
I've never seen trolling like that. The person was seriously attacking my character in a way that displayed personal emotional investment and simultaneously very strongly suggested a personal connection with Kimi and even more specifically being Imane, who is a rather famous celebrity with considerably more fame than Kimi. All at the same time, this person was seemingly genuinely attempting to understand me, which becomes extremely atypical behavior for trolling. If this was a troll, they genuinely wanted me convinced that they were Imane and personally knew Kimi and were bothering me with permission and approval from Kimi to do so.
I'm not sure what that person hoped to achieve even if it was actually Imane. It seemed like she genuinely wanted to try to understand me better, so she could go and talk to Kimi about it, and she was unapologetically being mean to me because she wanted to see my true character. I never minded that possibility.
At the end of the day, I get a strange feeling that Imane has read at least some of my book. Including her name in the initial version probably made it a bigger deal amongst Kimi's group of friends and influencers, which means whether or not it was actually Imane messing with me in my Discord server that day, her general existence has facilitated me being an even more widely known legend among both influencers and random followers.
If it really was Imane I was speaking to, and she did what was ultimately pushing me to make a move that resulted in that effect, then realistically, I can't be all that mad at her for it. In reality, it was always pretty whatever to me. I definitely included her entry in the initial version of the book for shock value and attention more than anything else. I mean, she's really popular and known for doing shady shit at times, so I was just like "Fuck it, I had that really weird experience... Why not, right?"
Due to more recent events after my return into Kimi's life after finishing my second jail bit, I've been feeling quite stressed out and on edge. I ended up forwarding to Poki's management one of the e-mails that I sent to several people close to Kimi.
In my considerably stressed out state, I initially forgot to include the legal disclaimer I'd intended to include. Not very long after, I wrote it and sent it. The contents of the forwarded message, I will not include at this point in time, as the decision to go to war with me has not been made final by Kimi. However, I will include the contents of the legal disclaimer below.
Ah yes, I almost forgot the legal disclaimer I intended to include with the previous forwarded message. That message (and this one) is not intended as direct or indirect communication with Imane Anys (aka Pokimane). I have absolutely nothing to say to that woman. I was simply informing you guys, her management, of what appears to be extremely questionable behavior from her, continuing even in more recent times, witnessed by me completely unintentionally as a result of viewing Jaime's Twitter.
I have been given very good reason in the past to assume that Imane has been pretending that I've been stalking her in various ways, when I have never communicated with her in my entire life, except possibly years ago when a person I have reason to believe was her under a throwaway Discord account came into my Discord server to harass me and insult my character repeatedly and demonstrate stalkerish behavior by attempting to make me jealous of her connection with Kimi by asserting she had lesbian sex with Kimi.
I just wanted to make sure you guys understand that this person you're managing was (and may still be to this day) acting extremely unhinged and suicidal by being underhandedly extremely antagonistic towards the ruler of the world, likely out of extreme jealousy that I do not, have never, and will never find her at all even remotely attractive or appealing, physically or mentally, and therefore have absolutely zero desire to ever give her any attention whatsoever. If she has ceased to engage in such behavior and my assumption was an overreaction, then I sincerely apologize for troubling you. But otherwise, this woman is certainly going to cause you guys problems, and certainly not through any kind of communication coming from me.
Whatever you do with this information is entirely up to your own volition.
I followed that up with the following thoughts on Poki in the next e-mail I sent.
After seeing this:
I decided to forward the e-mail titled "All These Thoughts" to Poki's management. As I did not include a legal disclaimer at the beginning of that e-mail, I ended up more recently sending the message I'm now forwarding to you guys here, to make sure I've made my position and intentions in originally forwarding that message clear to them. If you read the forwarded message, as you can see, I managed to very cleverly avoid breaking the law by addressing the message specifically to be intended to Poki's management, and explicitly stating that it's not intended as direct or indirect communication with Poki herself, and what her management chooses to do with the information I'm giving them is entirely up to their own volition.
The reason I did this is because I truly have never been at all interested in Poki in any way, so I literally haven't even watched 5 minutes of her content in my entire life, and I never check her socials. So I truly have no idea the extent to which she's been pretending I've been stalking her, if at all. After seeing that tweet, I figured it could be much worse than I originally thought, so I figured I'd just cover my bases by letting her management know she's acting like a completely unhinged suicidal lunatic if she really has been doing this to a great extent, and especially if she's still continuing to do so now. It's even worse if she's been trying to be controlling of me to you guys and demanding that she will ultimately get to be with me.
If she has been engaging in any such EXTREMELY disgusting behavior (which is literally like what Fed got canceled for doing, but it's MUCH worse, because we're not even friends and she has absolutely ZERO even REMOTELY good reason to believe I like her AT ALL), hopefully she will stop this suicidal and psychotic fuckery, because I truly do not, never have, and never will find her even remotely attractive to any extent, physically or mentally.
I'm pretty sure that's a pretty huge hit to her ego, but I don't give a flying fuck. That's not my problem. If she feels offended or hurt that I think she's completely unappealing, she should get over herself. Not that I'm asking any of you to tell her this, because it'd be illegal for me to do so. But yes, I'm aware at least one of you pretty much certainly will do so entirely of your own volition regardless, which should be perfectly fine legally and I have no issue with whatsoever personally.
Having a big ass and being really famous doesn't mean everyone's gonna want you. Kim Kardashian has an even bigger ass, is even much more famous, wears really nice latex outfits (if you don't understand how this is relevant, I have a latex fetish), and I have absolutely zero desire to ever have any kind of relationship with even her. And it has nothing to do with the fact that it'd be pretty suicidal to try to steal her from Kanye. The simple fact is that she should never even dream of turning me on even remotely as much as Kimi and Chloe do, because that is an absolutely impossible feat that will only leave any woman more tormented the more she might attempt to achieve it.
Poki's ego is absolutely disgustingly gigantic if she thinks she can even dream of ever being with me, much less attempting to force it on me, much less in such a fucked up way. And if she thinks she's going to sabotage my prospects at success by doing some extremely jealous fuckery, I promise all of you I will fucking make sure I end that bitch's career harder than she ended Fed's.
I absolutely mean every single word. While I can appreciate the value of being respectful to this woman because she's friends with Kimi and a significant part of the scene her and all of her other friends are in, I have never wanted, do not want, and will never want any kind of romantic relationship with Poki. And there is absolutely zero possibility I will ever tolerate even considering one, no matter what.
After watching Season 3 Episode 3 of the Offline TV podcast (which I'm allowed to do legally as it is Offline TV content with Poki being present merely as an unavoidable side-effect and not the focus), it appears to me that Poki is attempting to lowkey express/imply considerable romantic (and probably also sexual) desire towards me (obviously being aware of the context present behind the scenes, since her friends must certainly have been sharing details of the situation with her entirely of their own volition), which I feel the need to address, as it considerably creeps and grosses me out. It will have extremely negative consequences for everyone (including myself) if she doesn't back off.
I thought I was clear before, but apparently not. I will never pick her over Kimi, nor will I ever tolerate or even consider even attempting to accept her as some kind of replacement for Kimi, nor would I ever tolerate or even consider even attempting to accept her as any kind of romantic or sexual partner simultaneously with Kimi, under any circumstances. I've now publicly updated my book to reflect this in what I believe to be the clearest possible way, since it appears my attempt to merely show respect towards her was taken by her as some kind of concealed expression of desire. Big yikes.
Looking at it now, I suppose I can see it being pretty understandable, especially if she really has been secretly obsessed with me for some time. My pretty much complete lack of paying attention to her would've made me drastically underestimate the extent of her obsession, making what I considered a rather indifferent display of simply respect come off to her like a very loving and affectionate display of desire. I never intended this and will not even consider even attempting to take advantage of this possible miscommunication.
I can understand that I would truly be considerably attractive to at least some women. If I didn't think that, then I never would've even considered it possible that Kimi could ever truly want or love me. As such, I want it to be clear this is not a hateful move on my end. I certainly hope this wasn't a hateful move on Poki's end either. But I certainly want to make sure I've made my position clear, both privately and publicly. If Poki is obsessed with me, I want that obsession to end promptly.
In S3E3 of the Offline TV podcast, I saw Poki say "All human beings have insecurities, of course". Well, I guess Poki doesn't think I'm human then, because I certainly don't have any insecurities as far as I can tell. I try to stay mindful of being humble in general, and I'm a little on edge right now because this situation is very intense and I'm insanely invested, but even that is different from insecurity.
What she said after about how she'd poke at someone if she found someone who appeared not to have insecurities... Well, that only further confirms to me that she really was that person that came in my Discord. That, combined with her also at one point saying that her biggest fear is cutting off many years of her life due to what she does, is what really convinced me I needed to update her entry.
I really want to make sure it's absolutely crystal clear that I absolutely completely, invariably and unwaveringly, mean what I'm saying, because unfortunately, the more I'm seeing, the more likely it's starting to seem to me that Poki really has been secretly obsessed with me for quite some time, much more than I originally thought, and still to this day thinks I'd ever desire or tolerate a romantic relationship with her.
That's truly a big yikes from me. I find her EXTREMELY creepy and gross if this is the case. Hopefully she sees reality clearly before it's too late, and stops thinking I'm intimidated by her or something. I certainly acknowledge I should be careful about what I say about her at this point, considering the situation. But I'm not intimidated by her. I never have been and I highly doubt I ever will be. I don't particularly believe she's some frost queen bitch either, and whether she is or isn't, I don't really care. I just don't find her romantically appealing AT ALL, I never have, and I never will.
Oh man, including Steven in the initial version of the book was really one I had to stretch to find reason for. Definitely for the shock value factor. I mean, come on, how could I resist an opportunity to call him the "pseudo-intellectual king of debates on Twitch" in a book with extensive intellectual rhetoric about why I'm going to single-handedly destroy the world?
As I expected, he was too much of a pussy to have any kind of actual talk with me on stream, and pretty much instantly dismissed me as mentally ill. Realistically, I can understand that he'd be hesitant to give me a ton of attention to the point of actually engaging in a more two-sided rhetoric and give me a platform to spread a message with little idea what exactly I'd want to say.
It's understandable that he probably saw me as a bad faith actor. I imagine I'd do the same thing in that situation if I was him. But including his name gave his followers a reason to tell him he was directly mentioned in the book, which gave him a reason to bring the page up on stream and see what it was about, which got it a huge initial spike in attention.
He called me mentally ill, but I got to use his name to bait him into giving me a ton of attention really easily. Considering I've now been psychologically evaluated on court order and licensed mental health professionals were calling my rhetoric "lectures" and the sections of the book I'd tell them to read "homework", ultimately telling me at the conclusion of the evaluation that they personally don't believe me to be delusional or have any mental illness and they're honored to meet me, I feel that much more confident in my lack of mental illness. And I still got the shitload of attention from mentioning Steven's name. So really, I won big time out of that exchange.
Even though he said he wouldn't, I feel fairly certain Steven did actually read at least some of my book off stream later at some point, so I'm pretty sure in reality he knows I'm not someone he should take lightly.
I do still believe that Kimi did at least once meet up with Steven and a few others and discuss the initial release of my book. He did indeed happen to decide to pop LSD exactly the same day I went in his Discord and apologized for the underground release of my book probably unintentionally inspiring Lily to go off and write a rap about him shortly after, and he in fact tweeted that he was doing so within a few minutes of me sending the aforementioned message.
Whether or not the underground release of the initial version of my book actually inspired Lily to write that rap shortly after, I don't actually know. Whether or not my message had anything to do with Steven very shortly after deciding not to stream and instead pop some LSD that day, I don't actually know. Some strange coincidences though, to say the least. At least from my perspective.
Regardless, I don't actually have a problem with him. His content isn't bad, and he's definitely not a moron like most people are, so I can appreciate that about him. Even if he called me mentally ill, he still gave me attention I was after, which I also appreciate. I'm not normally an attention-seeking type, but when the woman you consider the love of your life puts you in a position where you're forced to do theatrical shit to get attention, getting that attention hinges on one dude deciding you're worth giving at least a few minutes of his time to in front of thousands of people, and he gives that to you, it means a lot. Even if I kinda forced him to with all the donations I made to him that day.
In reality, instead of hating him, I actually appreciate him a lot. I'd even go so far as to say I'm a bit of a fan. He's a super OG streamer and I've known of him and popped in to check his streams here and there for years, even though I never really got involved in his chat or community.
Originally, this chapter only had mentions of people I included for positive reasons. I had to go back later and go over the negative entries I made in the initial release of the book to figure out what exactly I was going to say about who. I actually forgot I even included this guy in the entries in the initial release of the book. I used to watch his content way back in the day, and it was pretty amusing. Super OG YouTuber everyone knows.
At some point, he made an Illuminati contract signing video while visibly being a total airhead about what he's doing. Even makes his partner sign it too. How could I resist?
I called him out for ignoring the obligations of the contract he signed. Definitely wasn't fangirling or some shit. Definitely wasn't flirting. Was pretty much exclusively presenting him with hard facts. He underhandedly mocked me, implying I'm a narcissist and that I'm possibly attracted to him and/or his partner. I guess it's a sort of understandable mistake? He certainly wouldn't be the first person to incorrectly think I'm attracted to men. Unfortunately.
Anyways, I don't hate him. I don't have a problem with him. I don't really have any good or bad feelings towards him (or his partner).
By the way, he's still ignoring the obligations of his Illuminati contract he signed literally in a video he posted on YouTube. He doesn't seem to care, which is whatever I guess. I mean, it's not like I need his help or anything. Since he's the reason I even saw that clown fiesta of a contract, and his negligence to follow the contract gave me a reason to elaborate on why it's rather unwise to ever sign such a contract, for the benefit of anyone else considering signing that thing, I'll include below the explanation I gave him.
With bidirectional apprehension, you are able to much more quickly and easily "read between the lines" and see alternative interpretations and meanings in reality and see things that a more average person with for example a backwards-rationalized apprehension-based core value cannot. Let's take a more careful look at the contract. It seems simple and good on the surface, but it's actually much scarier than it appears. It can be interpreted with a much greater amount of detail than most probably think about upon glancing over it; if you apply bidirectional apprehension to the contents, this has several implications.
"To dedicate my mind to the discovery of knowledge"
What kind of knowledge are you dedicating yourself to? What lengths are you agreeing to go to in order to get this knowledge? Why are you dedicating yourself to discovering knowledge in the first place?
"To dedicate my soul to the pursuit of enlightenment"
How is enlightenment defined? What does dedicating your soul to the pursuit of it entail? What lengths are you agreeing to go to in order to pursue or achieve it? Why are you pursuing it in the first place? Are there any conditions where you would ever be considered to have achieved enlightenment? If yes, what are they? If not, why even pursue it?
"To dedicate my efforts to the progress of abundance"
How exactly is abundance defined? How is sustaining and/or improving it defined? What even roughly can encapsulate dedicating your efforts to it? Why is it even something you are dedicating your efforts to in the first place?
"To dedicate my existence to bringing all people, in all places, into unification"
How exactly is unification defined? What encapsulates dedicating your existence to it? What extents are you agreeing to go to in order to facilitate it?
"And to dedicate my life and days upon this planet to the protection and advancement of the human species"
How are you expected to protect and advance the human species? Why are you even pursuing it? What extents are you agreeing to go to in order to facilitate it?
Literally for every single point, there are absolutely no boundaries defined. In fact, the statements are intentionally left open-ended to imply no boundaries to operate within. If, for example, it's deemed that you must be kidnapped and held against your will for an undefined period of time, or perhaps even be killed for the discovery of knowledge, the pursuit of enlightenment, to progress abundance, to bring people into unification, or to protect and advance the human species, or any combination of those factors, you're effectively agreeing to anything under any circumstances deemed necessary or appropriate to achieve those goals.
To make it simple, although these points seem all good and nice on the surface, signing that eternal oath basically means you agree to willingly surrender all of your control and power over everything in your life including your life itself, to people more powerful than you who are deemed more qualified to make executive decisions in any of the areas outlined within it. I suppose it can be liberating to some extent for people who have a weaker position in life, but let me put it this way, although I'm in the Illuminati, I have not nor will I ever even consider signing such a document. And I'm not the only one.
It's true that Bachir runs a cult. It's also true that any public figure with any kind of following also, for all intensive purposes, runs a cult.
Sure, most don't buy an ex-mental hospital and invite people over to live there, but he has his reasons. The people that go there want to go there, he evaluates their intentions and overall headspace before deciding if he'll accept them, and it's probably the most logical and best move for them if they decide to do so. He's helping people grow as individuals and also letting them not only meet but regularly interact with someone that they've probably been a fan of for quite some time, which is something definitely unique that you don't see celebrities really doing.
When I initially stumbled upon Bachir's LogicNation endeavor, he had a 3-step process to attempt to "convert your core value to logic". I knew him from his OG YouTube days with "fshh around the corner", and I'd always genuinely been entertained by his material. Coming across him going from a really funny but also tryhard troll-type to a quite serious and more intellectual type was an interesting shift. His 3 steps felt severely lacking to me, and I figured I'd try to let him know and see how he'd deal with it.
In order to more potently capture his attention, I had to appear to be interested in joining his endeavors at his compound. He actually showed enough respect and interest in me to the point that he added me on Skype at one point and asked me to join his group. Moving to Germany isn't really an option I consider viable, mostly because I'm not a resident of the EU and I wouldn't be able to stay for very long on a visitor visa. Someone of my capacity also is far best suited to endeavors less revolved around his personal goals. Still, I think it was cool that I've spoken to him in a serious capacity like this, and I appreciate the respect for me he demonstrated in doing this.
Ultimately, I later decided to have a "debate" with him on stream. I didn't know exactly what I was getting myself into.
Before appearing on stream, I was probed by one of his subordinates regarding my perspective a bit. Unfortunately, the conversation on stream didn't last very long, because Bachir didn't let me speak more than a few words. It would've been interesting if he actually listened to what I had to say for more than like 3 seconds before shooting me down as a moron, but this really demonstrated, at least in my eyes, the severe extent to which his "debates" were really just manipulated, staged excuses to publicly humiliate and bully people in order to make himself look smarter.
Shortly after, he posted a YouTube video featuring me as one of the people he was clowning. Not very nice. However, that video has long since been removed. It was removed long before I even released the initial version of my book. I guess he realized it was a kinda shitty thing to do on his own, felt bad, and removed it. Or he got scared because I'd informed him I was a Permanent Chief of the Shadow Confederation. Or both. I don't know.
In hindsight, given the kind of content he used to make and his hyper-cocky attitude (which in YouTube videos was amusing), I should've known his approach was much more entertainment-oriented as opposed to understanding-oriented. But alas, I made the mistake of looking at him with more maturity than he deserved. That was my fault; I'm definitely mature enough to see and accept that. I can also understand that he'd be upset that I wasn't seriously interested in going over to his compound, since I'm sure he could tell I'm an exceptional individual.
In the end, my extended public rhetoric in regards to his 3-step process resulted in him forming rhetoric around additional insights that added a 4th step, which ultimately greatly helped him in getting people who "clicked", as he calls it, to retain that state of awareness, where in the past with only his original 3 steps, he had a very hit-or-miss result and wavering success rate. To this capacity, I helped him notably.
It'd be immature and admittedly dishonest of me to neglect to mention that his original 3-step process he crudely described to "click" was the initial inspiration for what is now my 5-step process to achieve a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension. To this capacity, he helped me notably.
The stunt he pulled on me on stream certainly wasn't nice or enjoyable for me. But overall, I had fun and learned and grew as a person a lot as a result of interacting with him. And I still think his OG content is entertaining.
In reality, I don't have any problem with him or what he's doing. I had a problem with how he was carrying out "debates" in the past, but he's long since stopped that fuckery. To be completely honest, I was a little hurt by it at first, but I've long since gotten over that. I also never had any kind of actually deep hatred towards him for it at any point. Even while I was actively engaging in rhetoric within his community, I got the sense that he understood I was going to become something more than simply someone who "clicked". Even if it took him a little while.
At one point long ago, I made a little arts and crafts project that was a remix of this guy's rap called "Nocturnal Rainbows". I was never seriously trying to make it in the rap game, as I've always known that as much as I enjoy listening to music, making it was never something I was really passionate about. I did it for shits and giggles and to see how he'd react if I showed it to him. To my surprise, not very long after, I saw I'd inspired the creation of 2 of his tracks, "The Purge" and "Witch Doctor". They're good songs.
It appears Marcus was effected by the initial version of my book a lot more than I thought he would be. For a while after the release of those 2 tracks that I saw as a response to him becoming aware of my existence, I was worried he wanted me dead. Though now, it seems he's much more afraid that I want him dead than I've ever felt afraid that he wanted me dead. It makes me feel bad, to be honest.
I guess I just didn't really understand his style all that well before. I suppose he gets looked down upon in the rap game a lot even though he's put so much of himself into it, and that's understandably going to hurt him a lot. I've listened to "Alone With Me", and I really like how his style's improved. Really good song; probably his best yet. Good shit. I hope he doesn't end up killing himself, though.
I know he said he went through a process of "reading certain books" and did a lot of thinking and reflection and shit and no longer is in a dark place, but while I'm sure the material he's reviewed (which I certainly don't believe to be exclusive to my book) has helped him achieve some level of greater awareness, I know he's probably still pretty far from genuinely okay.
To anyone with half a brain, I'm obviously no stranger to "enlightenment". I know that it doesn't matter how much introspection and shit you do, when there are exceptionally fucked up circumstances you're dealing with, simply having the maturity and awareness to be able to take a step back and not drown in depression or rage isn't enough to truly make you feel better. He's gotten the clarity to internalize humanity, maturity, and integrity at a considerably greater capacity than he previously did, but I've been there too, and I know that's only the beginning of what could ever be considered "getting better" from a place as dark as he clearly has been before in his life.
I don't actually have a problem with him. I hope the mother of his child stops being so awful to him, because my guess is she's going to end up seriously regretting it sooner or later if she doesn't. Although, if he's going to demand that I put in some kinder words for him to the Shadow Confederation, he damn well better know he should put some respect on NF's name and do it in an NF track he's featured in.
"LOST" is a dope track, and yeah, I like Marcus' part too. Especially...
Life's got me by the neck, with a blade against it 'Cause I was runnin' late for the train and missed it The only thing I feel is pain and vengeance So I'ma act out like a raging misfit And every verse I lay gon' stay sadistic You wanna hate me? Good, great, terrific You'll never see the day where my anger's dismissed You better go and change your wishlist 'cause I Yeah, manifested this Do not treat me like some adolescent kid I am praying to the Lord with the book of James Hopin' he gon' add my testament
Becca, you're sweet and precious and a beautiful woman and whoever gets to be with you is very lucky. But I don't want you. Being completely honest, when I first scoped out the live streaming scene years ago, you and Kimi were the only two possible serious candidates I saw for a woman to commit to spending my life with, meaning it'd be a lie to say I never wanted you. It'd be pretty weird, I think, to deny that I considered pursuing you, long ago. Besides, I'm not trying to be mean here, I'm just trying to make the situation completely clear, because I feel like it's probably not clear enough otherwise.
When I first acquired a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension and became a Permanent Chief of the Shadow Confederation, years ago, I instinctively determined that looking on Twitch would be the only reasonable place for me to attempt to find a life partner. I already knew I was only really interested in Korean women, and considering that I already knew I was destined for ridiculous fame and fortune, and I have quite classy and specific tastes, I was completely unwilling to even consider someone that hadn't earned any significant attention among the community and/or was more or less a pretty blatantly trashy slut. Among all the options I saw, that eliminated everyone except you and Kimi.
Neither of you came off trashy to me at all. Both of you were gorgeous Korean women with at least some significant level of reputation. I remember that at the time, you were considerably more famous than Kimi. You'd average over 1,000 concurrent viewers, whereas Kimi would average about two or three hundred. But it wasn't the degree of fame I was paying attention to, merely the fact that whoever I was looking at got enough attention to have a reputation they would consider worth maintaining a standard towards.
I remember I talked in your stream a couple times. You probably remember me. I also remember being a part of a movie night thing you had once. The movie itself was just alright, but I thought it was pretty cool that you had that level of interaction with your viewers despite being a larger streamer.
What I remember that really stood out to me and surprised me about you was that shortly after... Making my existence known to you, I guess? You made a tweet about romantic relationships mentioning something about how you related your connection to League of Legends with them. Forgot exactly what you said. But anyways, I got this weird feeling that you really enjoyed my presence and quite shockingly to me, it actually got you thinking about being in a romantic relationship with me. I'm just going to assume this is what you intended, and I personally believe it makes quite some sense to do so.
I remember how you responded to me trolling you pretty hard once. You got pretty mad at me at first, but really quickly cooled down and pretty much retracted your statement you made lashing out at me. I had clipped it, but my Twitch account has long been permanently banned and deleted over the public release of the initial revision of my book, so that clip is gone. I forgot exactly the situation, but I remember I halfheartedly teased you about how tilted you were getting about something, and then you initially lashed out at me for tilting you harder, but pretty quickly after said you were just tilting yourself. Something like that.
I remember thinking it was pretty cute. You're definitely pretty cute. If I remember correctly, after seeing you so quickly calm yourself down, I told you I love you and gave you a heart. I'm not sure how you took it, but I was just trying to be nice and have fun; I was genuinely worried you'd think I was trying to be mean, and hey, I figured if you gave me an opportunity to kinda flirt with you a little, I might as well take it.
Considering how close you are with Hafu, I assume she's been telling you things about me... About this situation... How I prefer Korean women and all that...
I'm going to be completely honest. I kind of... Forgot about you for a long time. I just very recently checked your Twitter, and I saw this:
And I'm now realizing some of my recent messages probably... Made you feel some kind of way. And I definitely feel the need to make sure I've clarified my feelings and intentions.
I'm just going to say it as it is bluntly. I don't want you. I wanted you for a little while, many years ago, but I haven't wanted you for a very long time, ever since I first met Kimi and pretty much instantly fell deeply in love with her, and I will never want you in the future.
I'm sincerely sorry if I unintentionally got your hopes up. It was never my intention to hurt your feelings. I understand hearing this will probably hurt your feelings regardless. But it doesn't change reality. I don't want to lie to you.
Yes, you're Korean. Yes, you're very pretty. Yes, you're very cute. Yes, you're not really a close friend of Kimi's, so I can't really consider you an enemy. Yes, you haven't really done anything to hurt me in the past. Yes, you showed me considerable affection even long ago before you could very clearly see I have insane value to keep close in your life. I acknowledge these things, and I don't have any hard feelings towards you regarding anything. I think you're a very sweet and sensitive (and I mean that in the best possible way) woman.
However, I don't have any romantic feelings towards you. I've always thought you're cute, but to be completely honest, I never found your personality very sexy. I feel really bad for you for your experience with how things with Byron turned out, and I hope you can find some comfort in knowing that for whatever it's worth, I truly don't think it was your fault for what happened.
I think you're a really nice person who tries really hard at video games. I think you seem like you'd be a good friend. But I feel like we'd have a really weird chemistry romantically/sexually, and I don't really like it.
Kimi is the only person I've ever really felt a "spark" of attraction towards in my entire life, and also the only person who I've genuinely felt a hot chemistry and emotional compatibility with from the very beginning. Also, not to be mean, but I've always thought Kimi is much more physically attractive than you are, in every way. Just being honest. That's just my personal perspective.
I feel like I should be pretty sensitive about the fact that I probably unintentionally got your hopes up that I secretly want you badly, so I don't want to say this in a really mean-sounding way... If Hafu's been sharing with you the contents of the e-mails I've been sending, then of course you've been hearing about the things I've been saying about my masturbating to certain women, and at this point, I feel like I kind of owe you telling you how I feel about you in that regard... Although I'd really rather not share that kind of thing in general unless it's with a romantic partner, I've kind of been forced to do so to multiple other women already with this situation...
I really don't want to seem cruel in saying this. Please don't take it the wrong way. I haven't been trying to break your heart, and I don't enjoy thinking about how this probably will make you feel hurt. But the reality is I've only masturbated to you a couple times in my life. Much less than even Celine. And as you should know by now, I certainly am completely unwilling to ever even remotely consider being with Celine under any circumstances, but also have such a huge sex drive that I'd definitely have to be with someone that turns me on even much more than she ever did. Which definitely means you could never be a viable partner for me, purely on those grounds alone.
Sorry to have to reject you like this. I would've rejected you much earlier, but I was so busy rushing to reject all the other women trying to throw themselves at me that were all Kimi's close friends, and dealing with the constant shitstorm of fuckery they were throwing at me practically daily, that I didn't even think about rejecting you, who isn't a close friend of her's, didn't really come to mind to me, and didn't really do anything to clearly attempt to throw yourself at me.
I understand you refrained from such initially because you were unaware of the true state of the situation, and then afterwards because you didn't want to come off insincere, probably hearing about how I'd brutally rejected all the other women that boldly attempted to throw themselves at me. I believe that if you feel desire towards me (and I feel like you probably realistically considerably do), that desire is sincere. But the fact is that you simply could never even remotely satisfy me sexually or make me truly feel the kind of passion in a romantic relationship that I need to feel to truly feel satisfied in the relationship.
Basically, a relationship with you I would describe as "pretty awesome at best". But a relationship with Kimi I would describe as "absolutely magical and heavenly at the very least". Putting it that way, I think you can understand why I wouldn't even consider abandoning even just the prospect of a relationship with Kimi even for an absolute guarantee of a relationship with you.
The reality is that even if I fail to get a proper relationship with Kimi, I'd infinitely rather pursue intense quantum energy harvesting meditation in isolation and exact The Great Retribution, than even consider ever being with you. This is in no way your fault, there's nothing you can or should do about it, and I don't want you to attempt to change it or feel bad knowing it.
Again, I'm sincerely sorry if it hurts you to hear this, and I know it probably does. Probably quite a bit. But I have to keep it real with you, and I'm doing that with the best intentions. You deserve someone that will see you the way I see Kimi, not me who will always see you as romantically and sexually greatly inferior to Kimi.
Please don't try to change my mind. This is not reverse psychology. This is not playing hard to get. The reality of the matter is that even though you're really hot and you're Korean, I still find even Chloe INSANELY more arousing than you, and it's literally ALWAYS been that way. And I find Kimi even hotter than Chloe, so it should go without saying that I find her ridiculously more arousing than you. No amount of you working out or eating healthy or doing anything else to try to get a better body would ever change how I feel about these things.
Kimi is the only person that ever even made me seriously think there was hope I could ever deal with my feelings for Chloe in any kind of healthy way. Kimi is literally the only person in the world I have ever and will ever find more arousing than Chloe. I absolutely NEED Kimi in my life in an EXTREMELY intimate way forever, or I'm going to lose my mind and become extremely destructive, heartless, and evil, because of what both Kimi and Chloe did to me. I just can't even consider being with any other woman, because I already know I'm definitely going to break her heart, and EXTREMELY brutally at that. I don't want to do that to anyone, and certainly not someone so sweet and precious as you.
If we dated, you'd just know I'm thinking of Kimi and Chloe every time we're sexually intimate (and very often even when we're not), and that's just going to be super fucked. It'd never work. It's the same problem I'd have with every single other person that isn't Kimi. It's just the way things are and will forever be. That's why I'm so fixed on the position I'm fixed on. I truly know with absolutely unwavering certainty that this situation will absolutely invariably end EXTREMELY badly if I don't get to be with Kimi forever in the end.
Like, I'd say you're a solid 9/10 in my eyes. Gorgeous woman for sure, and really cute personality too. I'm not trying to make you feel bad or put you down in any way. I'm genuinely not getting any kind of pleasure from any bad feelings you might get reading this. But considering that Chloe is a 99/10 and Kimi is an infinity/10 (this is of course my personal perspective, which I'd hope nobody else in the world ever shares with me), I'd INFINITELY rather even simply masturbate to these two women by myself than even have the most tender, sensual, passionate sex involving latex clothing with even a harem of any number of any other women in the world. If I absolutely had to lock rating between 1-10, Kimi and Chloe are the only 10/10's that'll ever exist in my eyes, and with how much they've both went insanely out of their way to tease me to infinity romantically and sexually with their incomparable sex appeal, any kind of romantic and/or sexual connection with anyone else that could ever exist will forever hold literally zero appeal to me.
Hyoon, I've said it once before, but it seems you didn't get the message. I will address you only once further. I will elaborate greatly, as well as show the clearest possible commitment to my decision by also posting this in public, so hopefully you can start to actually see and accept the reality of the situation.
Upon skimming the Twitters (posts and replies) of everyone I've been communicating with behind-the-scenes in my attempts to make my relationship with Kimi work, I noticed you made this reply to a tweet made by Kimi.
I couldn't help but notice the only response to it as of the time I'm writing this, which was made by Kimi. She's referring to you as her "existential buddy". Now, there's only one reason that you would be going through an existential crisis when Kimi should be the only one doing so right now. You clearly didn't understand the first time I rejected you after you showed desire to throw yourself at me in this tweet.
Hyoon, stop. I do not, have never, and will never want you. Yes, I know you're Korean. You're a very beautiful woman and I don't have any hard feelings towards you, at least not yet. But you're not Kimi, and as hot as you are, I've never thought and will never think you're as hot as Kimi (and certainly not hotter).
You might not have done anything to hurt me in the past, but I don't know you (I've known OF you for years, but it's not the same thing...) and honestly don't trust you. Don't take this the wrong way; it isn't personal. I'll just NEVER trust ANYONE that tries to throw themselves at me now. Look at my first real conversation with Kimi.
I told Kimi from the very beginning that whoever believes in me enough and cares about me enough to show me affection from the beginning will earn my trust and respect, and anyone that can't see it until later on, I will never be able to be with. Back then, I wasn't certain how it'd feel. I'm here now and I know EXACTLY how it feels now.
Kimi believed in me enough and cared about me enough to want to fuck with me. She earned my trust and respect and deeply touched my heart unlike anyone else ever can. You and all the rest of Kimi's friends, we'll only ever be friends (without benefits) at best. This is not reverse psychology. This is not playing hard to get. No, you can't try to convince me. Yes, I'm absolutely certain. Sorry not sorry.
Since it makes a lot of sense to me why you'd think I really should be willing and desiring to pursue a romantic relationship with you, in the interest of making it painfully clear that I'm not into men and/or simply already committed to being the most heartless monster I could ever be, I find it necessary to elaborate further on why I'm maintaining the position that I am.
Since you've shown such considerably aggressive desire for my attention to the point I felt it necessary and appropriate to add you to the list of people I've been communicating with about this situation privately, I suppose you must want to hear about certain things from me as well. In that case, I feel no need to restrain myself.
So, looks-wise, you're definitely exceptional, and quite appealing to my personal tastes. Gorgeous face, really nice breasts, and a wonderful butt. Really nice hips and thighs too. Solid 9.5/10 to me. More attractive than Becca, and right around Celine's level of attractiveness, perhaps even more attractive. You're honestly more attractive than most K-Pop stars I've seen, at least in my opinion.
If it wouldn't be such an insult to Kimi, I would've had no problem calling you a goddess. There are very few women in this world that I can think of that exceed your level of beauty, at least as far as I'm concerned. Probably only Kimi and Chloe.
I've masturbated to you a few times in my life. But like Celine, Becca, and all the other girls in this scene I've masturbated to besides Kimi, it was long ago. I haven't kept count, but it's more than once or twice, and it's less than 10 times. You obviously want to know, so there you go, now you know.
Personality-wise... I haven't really ever watched your streams or followed your socials, so I don't really know you at all. But from what I've seen upon scrolling through your Twitter a bit, it seems you had a quite significant period of nervousness and existential fears and thoughts leading up until my recent return. From some of the comments I see, particularly on ones where you post pictures of yourself, I've noticed this "Hyoon supremacy" meme that is commonly recurring; I'll refrain from casting absolute judgement on you for the extremely arrogant, egotistical, entitled, and possibly sadistic attitude this suggests you have, that I would find absolutely horrendous and extremely disgustingly unattractive, that might make people feel you'd enjoy repeatedly getting such responses.
I want you to know that just like in how I addressed Becca, I truly do not find any pleasure in hurting your feelings or breaking your heart to any degree. I'm not trying to make you feel bad or put you down. But I have to keep it real with you. You shouldn't feel bad about anything I'm saying about my feelings towards you, nor can you change it, nor should you try.
While I have no problem whatsoever with you being exceptional, whether it's in looks, personality, or otherwise, I personally find you superior to Kimi in neither looks nor personality. Perhaps your art ability is superior, since Kimi hasn't dedicated immense effort into being an artist, however this does not hold any appeal to me whatsoever in terms of being in a romantic relationship with someone.
I took the liberty of scanning through your Instagram, and I noticed that you were dying your hair pink long before Kimi or any of her friends ever knew I really like that color. You also dyed it purple long before even the initial public release of my book.
Now, I'm just going to say this bluntly, however I want to reiterate that you should not get the wrong idea. Since I could never have a healthy relationship with Chloe unless there's another extremely attractive woman involved, and my tastes very much lean towards Korean women, if I were to ever be in a relationship with a woman that isn't Kimi, it'd definitely have to be you.
I didn't even recognize it myself at first, but I certainly see it now that you've forced me to be more aware of your existence. Recognizing your suitability for me if I don't really want Kimi must be why you appear to be having an existential crisis along with Kimi in response to the current state of this situation.
However, regardless of your perception, feelings, or intentions, I have absolutely zero desire or willingness to ever pursue or tolerate any kind of romantic relationship with you, and this will never change. Since it's rather easy for you to take that statement by itself as some kind of reverse psychology or playing hard-to-get, allow me to extensively elaborate on this rejection, since it's now become quite necessary as far as I'm concerned.
Obviously, since you haven't already contacted me privately throwing yourself at me transparently, your intentions are almost certainly never to do so any time in the near future. Considering it's extremely unlikely that me simply expressing desire for you in an e-mail (or even in public) would result in you promptly responding reciprocating that desire in a serious fashion and actively pursuing a proper romantic relationship with me as fast as possible, that means you're expecting to get to wait for something else to happen before you feel ready or comfortable essentially throwing yourself at me, while you perhaps underhandedly attempt to drop hints to me on social media expressing feelings towards me.
You must've heard from Kimi's friends I've been sending messages to from the very beginning of my recent return, that I've done game development in the past and I'm very good at it and have a massive game idea that I've very considerably already developed and yet not released anywhere.
You must be thinking that upon seeing me cease to find usefulness in further communication with the group of people that I've been communicating with behind-the-scenes which you've now become a part of, I'll secretly be doing game development in silence while perhaps expressing affection towards you in private, come out with an epic game release in the future, pop off and become famous with that, and then you'll aggressively throw yourself at me, knowing you're the most desirable and compatible woman to me after Kimi, and then I'll resist at first because of feelings for Kimi but she'll push me to be with you and I'll ultimately reluctantly accept.
Wrong. W R O N G. You couldn't be more wrong and it's not even funny. While I can understand the thought process behind it, and perhaps many people in this world are like that, I myself am very much not.
Listen up, and listen fucking good. Look, I'm not using very harsh language with you, because you haven't blatantly disrespected me severely in the past, but that doesn't mean I'm a fucking pushover. ESPECIALLY after what I've experienced with Kimi, even ATTEMPTING to suggest I should even CONSIDER tolerating behaving in a way that even POSSIBLY could result in a repeat of that experience IN ANY WAY is an EXTREME insult to me. So while you haven't severely disrespected me in the past, the expectations you appear to have of me in the present really do seem like quite massive disrespect to me already.
To be blunt with you, you're lucky you're so fucking gorgeous appearance-wise, and I'm a kind-hearted enough person to considerably sympathize with the fact that you seem to be so distressed about this situation despite not really being any kind of significant presence in my life in the past nor particularly close friends with Kimi, that I'm not being MUCH more brutal with you. However, if you're so ridiculously foolish as to take my kindness for weakness, that is a SEVERE mistake I will definitely make sure you deeply regret.
First of all, I'm not doing game development if I'm forced to be silent and distant towards Kimi and her friends. For multiple reasons, I will not state publicly what I'm working on (if I even choose to work on anything at all and not just meditate and masturbate profusely to Kimi and Chloe when I'm not meditating), but I'll make sure you and everyone else I've been communicating with behind-the-scenes will understand in no uncertain terms that game development isn't what I'm doing, nor will I ever do it again to any extent unless I get Kimi.
At this point, game development feels EXTREMELY painfully unrewarding for me to even CONSIDER doing to any extent. Thinking of my future prospects while doing game development right now just feels RIDICULOUSLY depressing and upsetting. I have ABSOLUTELY ZERO desire to even CONSIDER tolerating feeling like a hated outcast right up until I have something providing INSANE appeal to like me like an epic game release, then effectively force the shit out of you and everyone else to like me by releasing such a game they want to play, and then feel forced to be friends with Kimi while being forced to accept never being able to be with her, and have several other attractive women throw themselves at me, likely including yourself.
Eventually, my continued rejection of every woman except Kimi is going to make them feel frustrated that I only want Kimi and don't want them at all, and people will start thinking I might be into men, and then even worse than having multiple beautiful women I don't want throwing themselves at me, I'm going to also have men, which I'd NEVER even REMOTELY feel ANY kind of romantic or sexual attraction towards under ANY circumstances, throwing themselves at me.
This is in no way intended as hate against gay men; everyone is free to be attracted to whichever gender they like, but I personally am very much exclusively attracted to women. As such, under those circumstances, not only will I have the severe devastation and depression and anger of being denied of Kimi, but I'll have women AND men that I'll never want under any circumstances constantly throwing themselves at me and all resenting me for rejecting all of them in an extremely brutally ice cold fashion relentlessly.
People will end up thinking that I just enjoy being alone so much that I only ever showed affection to anyone just to fuck with them and/or get it out of my system, and that I either desire to simply have sex with prostitutes that I never form any kind of real emotional connection with, or prefer to masturbate profusely to Kimi and Chloe (or perhaps random women) over any kind of sexual intimacy, even if the women I want it with are willing to give it to me.
I'll be absolutely miserable and probably resent myself so much for ever even seriously considering tolerating being a part of society without violently relentlessly demanding Kimi and Chloe forever, that I'll end up committing suicide, probably overdosing on some crazy combination of drugs I'd be taking while masturbating profusely to Kimi and Chloe, lonely by myself, to try to drown out the pain of knowing I'll forever be denied of anything resembling a healthy relationship with them, and that I took actions that effectively communicated I wanted that so it's all my fault it'll never happen, and even if the possibility of getting my ultimate fantasy was truly there, I'll never know.
Yeah, that's NOT fucking happening. I did NOT fucking try SO hard in life to end up with such a disgustingly pathetic fate.
If I wanted to simply pop off and become stupid famous and end up being able to get the hottest, most popular Korean girl in this scene of my liking through essentially forcing her to be with me, I NEVER would've taken the approach with Kimi that I did. I would've just completely abandoned trying to build any kind of real emotional connection with anyone, worked insanely hard in silence for years, and came out of nowhere with a huge bang and popped off super hard with the initial release of my game and live streaming gameplay videos of it and other shit 24/7 to maximize exposure and social interaction once I was ready to embrace fame.
If I wanted you, or someone like you, and wanted to start that relationship more or less in the way that you quite clearly intend to attempt to start a relationship with me, we never would've been where we are right now, and you never would've felt any kind of existential crisis in regards to my existence. You would've just suddenly learned I exist, gotten really horny knowing you're totally my type and I probably want to fuck your brains out, thrown yourself at me, and probably gotten to start dating me very quickly with pretty much no resistance on my end.
Look, I truly don't get any kind of sadistic satisfaction hurting your feelings, breaking your heart, or denying you of something you at this point quite obviously appear to want quite badly. However, if you think that's EVER happening, you're EXTREMELY delusional. We will NEVER be together. I didn't say the kinds of things I said to Becca just to fucking say them, and the intensity of my preferences truly and wholly applies to you and every other woman in the world, Korean or not Korean, in or out of the scene.
Even if you're willing to reach out to me in the near future and not wait until you see some popping off in the scene from me that you're never going to see as things currently are, no thanks. I don't want you. I don't really know you, I don't really care to know you, I don't trust you, I don't really care to try trusting you, and I don't feel any particularly strong desire to have any kind of sexual intimacy with you, nor will I ever, nor do I want to ever. I'd INFINITELY rather masturbate to Kimi and Chloe for hours every day in isolation whenever I'm not doing intense quantum energy harvesting meditation in preparation for The Great Retribution, than EVER even CONSIDER being with you (or anyone else in the world that isn't Kimi or Chloe) under ANY circumstances.
This is simply the reality of the matter. Kimi and Chloe are truly incomparably arousing to me, and that will forever remain the case. I truly feel in the deepest parts of my mind, heart, and soul that if I do not get to spend my life with both of them at the same time forever and get hours of extremely tender, sensual, passionate sexual intimacy with both of them every day extremely consistently (not necessarily at the same time; at least at one point or another in the day individually, and at least sometimes at the same time), I will never be anything even remotely resembling happy.
Listen, this situation is EXTREMELY clear-cut and black and white as far as I'm concerned. I get what I want, or I will as brutally as possible terrorize every single person that knows about this situation now and comes to learn about it in the future, as I retreat from society to do quantum energy harvesting meditation in isolation in preparation of exacting The Great Retribution. I'm COMPLETELY unwilling to even tolerate the IDEA of accepting ANY kind of consolation prize(s). This position is absolutely FINAL and was not, is not, and will NEVER be up for debate or negotiation of any kind. Period.
I'm DEFINITELY not down to start individually rejecting every single fucking woman that can't get the clue and thinks she has a shot at me, nor should such an endeavor be necessary to clearly convey my feelings. Rejecting you like this is intended to be an EXTREMELY loud and crystal clear message that I'm also rejecting every other person in the world besides Kimi and Chloe, Korean or otherwise, that may attempt or want to attempt to ever throw themselves at me in any way, shape, or form, for any reason.
And if the world is going to try forcing me to start rejecting men, then at that point, that's such a massive insult that I might as well truly accept I was destined to never be anything even remotely resembling truly happy, that war is absolutely final, and that I will have to make it my life's purpose to do everything in my power to make sure you will all extremely deeply regret ever being born at the time of The Great Retribution.
If Kimi is truly willing to acknowledge, accept, and desires to act properly upon the understanding that she's currently in the most severe existential crisis she could ever possibly face in her entire life, and she's truly been communicating with you about that in an honest and transparent capacity, then I'd STRONGLY encourage you to guide her on the correct path of starting to sincerely pursue a proper, healthy, transparently affectionate romantic relationship and eventually marriage with me, because otherwise, this situation will truly not result in anything good for anyone, and I swear on my life that this is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
I'm not a fucking delusional idiot, so I recognize that unfortunately, it's quite unlikely you'll actually take my advice. As such, since it seems you're trying to head in a similar path to what Celine was doing, just in a way that's even more disgusting in your own way, I'll give you a taste of the kinds of things Celine had to hear when I was rejecting her.
If you ACTUALLY liked me, you would've already been trying to talk to me directly, boldly expressing intense affection and arousal towards me in no uncertain terms. You have no reason to be shy or restrain yourself. I've already shared my masturbation habits with you extensively. You've already seen my dick long ago. You already know I've masturbated to you more than once or twice before in my life and enjoyed it more than I've enjoyed masturbating to most women I've masturbated to before. You already know I'm single and not interested at all in pursuing random women in real life.
The same reasons you have for having ANY hope I'd EVER form affection for you to the extent of even considering a relationship with you, you could very easily apply to justify sending me very hot and bothered e-mails telling me about how you masturbate to me and fantasize about having sex with me and shit. If you were REALLY as obsessed with me as you pretend to be, I undoubtedly would've already been getting such e-mails. You would've been EXTREMELY eager to privately send me pictures of your butt in tight, black, shiny latex leggings, knowing that's my biggest turn-on, and tenderly encouraging me to masturbate profusely to them. You would've recorded JOIs for me in them, practically begging me to send you videos of me masturbating to them, telling me you're wet just thinking about it.
And you wouldn't wait for or expect me to even slightly waver in my convictions towards Kimi before you did such things, because the intensity of the passion for your love and affection towards me would make it painfully obvious to you that you must do these things despite me showing zero real interest in you, if you could ever even remotely dream of having a chance to even just convince me your feelings are for real, much less ever actually successfully capture my attention away from Kimi. And the seeming futility of the endeavor wouldn't bother you, because you'd want me so badly you wouldn't care how hopeless it seems.
Instead? Dead fucking silence from you, and just a fucking facade in public that disgustingly pathetically transparently is attempting to gaslight me into thinking you actually like me and guilt-trip me for not reciprocating those feelings.
You think you're showing me something? All you're showing me is that you're an extremely fake ass slimy snake slithering fucking mentally handicapped bitch. I'd strongly suggest you cut the crap, because you're only digging yourself and your friends you're supposedly trying to protect a deeper grave. Please and thank you.
Sure, you haven't seen my dick before. And I don't plan to show you. The reason I ended up showing Celine is rather complicated, and it was only to attempt to prove to Kimi that I don't care to even gross and creep out Celine massively because I'm not interested in other girls even if they show interest in me. I do not find it necessary or appropriate to ever show my dick to you, and certainly not in an attempt to achieve the same goal; at this point, it would achieve the opposite goal if anything. Sure, you didn't know if or how much I've masturbated to you before now, but now you do, and it's about the same amount I've masturbated to Celine.
If you didn't even know any of the kinds of things I'm into already (I've went into more detail in the "Attraction" chapter of the full version of the book, in the "Interests" subchapter), then that means you haven't even read the "mini" version of my book in its entirety. Which means clearly your "obsession" or even simply "liking" towards me is an absolute joke as far as I'm concerned. In which case, kindly go fuck yourself.
Otherwise, you do know, and you're trying to underhandedly communicate that you expect me to bust my ass working insanely hard to prove myself to you now before you feel I deserve any truly intimate attention and affection from you, showing complete lack of respect towards my insanely immense efforts to pursue Kimi. You may be extremely physically attractive, but if you have such a fucking princess personality that you think that alone makes you such a queen that you deserve me to fall head over heels for you just because I see you expressing some interest in me, once again, kindly go fuck yourself.
I saw your Instagram story where you're playing MapleStory and trying to express warm sentiments. You're really new to this situation, huh? You must have NO IDEA the kinds of things Kimi's said and done to me over the years to earn my trust, respect, and loyalty to the level that she has. I fucking LAUGH at such a pathetic attempt to display warmth and affection towards me, assuming it's even directed at me and not some other random person you're lowkey (or perhaps even not lowkey? idfk I don't care to follow your streams or life) fucking with.
I haven't gotten this far with Kimi over being hurt about her saying a few mean things to me. I've been EXTREMELY deeply emotionally involved with this woman, a deep part of her day-to-day life, and a heavy influence on SEVERAL people around her, for almost 5 years now. I've taught them many things and shown them countless displays of love I'm sure they never imagined they'd see in their lifetimes.
And I've gotten ultimately nothing but pain and suffering in return, while constantly having to reiterate that I'm not any kind of masochist, never was, and never will be no matter what, and that I truly am simply that aroused by and attracted to Kimi and the prospect of spending my life with her in an extremely loving, tender, warm, passionate romantic relationship and marriage. The emotional scar of Kimi committing to rejecting me is not just a scar, it's a fucking BLACK HOLE that NOTHING and NOBODY can even DREAM of even STARTING to repair to ANY extent.
I don't even need to TRY to have ANY kind of romantic relationship with you, much less have sex with you or be intimate with you in any way, to know that even your absolute best attempts to arouse me and satisfy me sexually and otherwise will NEVER even come CLOSE to satisfying the desire I have for even just Kimi or Chloe alone, never mind in combination. That's not something I say as an insult to you, but rather as the greatest compliment to Kimi and Chloe, and the completely sincere expression of my feelings, as it is the absolute unwavering complete truth.
If your endeavors are some extremely pathetically laughable bullshit attempt to try to be nice to me, you can drop the act now, because even if it's not an act, to be blunt, I don't give a flying fuck for such shallow, petty, completely useless attempts at demonstrating warmth.
Does that make me seem like an icy bitch to you? Hmm. Maybe ask Kimi how much of an icy bitch she's been to me the past 5 years if she intends to commit to ultimately rejecting me, and then maybe you'll start to understand.
Although she probably won't even tell you the half of it, and whatever she does tell you, she'll probably severely warp to demonize the shit out of me and make her seem like the poor little angel victim of a crazy and creepy stalker lunatic, instead of the extremely disgustingly unapologetic psychopath manipulator heartless monster with a completely boundless capacity for demonstrating completely unrestrained malicious intent towards someone in the most jarringly predatory fashion you could ever imagine with complete disregard for not just their feelings but their life as a whole that she so painfully clearly is in that case.
Such is the life of the ruler of the world, I guess. It should be no surprise to anyone why The Great Retribution holds increasingly great appeal to me with every passing day.
I'm actually being quite nice to you. You only got a small taste of how brutally I tore apart Celine when I rejected her when she was trying to act obsessed with me. My heart will forever be closed off to anyone but Kimi, and you'd best believe it too. You don't come off nearly as trashy as Celine, so I'm sparing you tearing you to shreds in a similar fashion.
But it doesn't mean I'm unwilling if you push me. So don't push me. I'm asking nicely.
Yes, I'm very aware of multiple things that suggest you've been lowkey stalking me for years, which likely caused a lot of insecurity within Kimi and increased the friction I had to endure to even have a chance at a relationship with her (she obviously would've seen you as her primary competitor for my love and affection), which does upset me. While I could be extremely upset at you for this kind of behavior, I'll refrain from going in on you like I have with some other women. At least you were sensitive to consider my taste in women and also take an approach that definitely could've resulted in a really lovely relationship had I decided I don't want to spend my life with Kimi. Although I'll certainly find it EXTREMELY creepy and gross if you continue despite knowing my true feelings, I can certainly appreciate the thought behind your actions, so realistically, I don't find it all that gross or creepy that you've done what you've done up until this point.
You really don't know the half of it. Can you even begin to comprehend how demonic it is for Kimi to not only deny me of a relationship with her but also continue to vigorously insist she's madly in love with me?
She's trying to paint me like the demon stalker that shattered her heart to pieces and devastated her emotionally, while underhandedly communicating to me in the most disgusting way that she never even considered me and always had Peter in her sights before she even met me, and was completely unapologetically messing with my mind, heart, and soul as deeply as possible, with completely unrestrained malicious intent, for the past nearly 5 years.
And if the truth is that she'd truly rather have The Great Retribution exacted upon her than ever even give being with me a real chance, then she certainly knows why. Because coming clean about the truth means she has to admit what kind of a fucking monster psychopath she really is in that case, which absolutely certainly means she must be brutally permanently cancelled and shunned by all of her friends for me to even feel REMOTELY comfortable remaining a part of society and trying to be a positive force in this world instead of pursue exacting The Great Retribution upon them all.
Meanwhile, I love her so much that I'm completely unwilling to give them any incentive to turn on her, because I will forever maintain my position that I will pursue exacting The Great Retribution regardless if I don't get to be with her forever. Even if she admits to being a monster in public on her own and cancels herself, it wouldn't change my position no matter what.
Kimi and Peter are absolutely fucking insanely retarded if they are still obsessing over trying to make a relationship with each other work. They CLEARLY have a toxic dynamic and have cheated on each other so much in ways so severely disturbing to the foundation of the relationship that they could NEVER last and they're both EXTREMELY naive, stubborn, and destructive if they delusionally continue to hold on to such a hallucination.
From this tweet, it seems that Peter actually really likes you. I've never seen him post something like that to anyone. It seems like a meme, but actually seriously suggests deeper feelings. Your response perhaps suggests you also like him back. His lack of further response is presumably because of how trapped he feels in his connection with Kimi.
That being said, even if he doesn't really feel that way about you, and he's just trying to set me up with you somehow in doing this, it still doesn't and couldn't ever change my position on this situation. You can be witness to what I have to say to him in this regard.
Peter, you need to wake the fuck up. It doesn't matter how much time and energy you and Kimi might have put into your connection together. Sometimes you put a lot into a connection with someone and it just doesn't work; if you want to even try to suggest I should see my connection with Kimi that way, then you should be open to seeing your connection with Kimi that way too. You don't have to explain yourself. You don't have to try to push the relationship to work and escalate romantically when you should be seeing increasingly clearly every day that it's not supposed to take that direction.
You don't have to look for someone to blame, and it's not going to help you connect with Kimi properly enough to move on from this toxic bullshit dynamic you're in either. You shouldn't be fighting with her for seeming so serious about a relationship with you while secretly obviously wanting me so much more and putting such an insane amount of effort to get my connection with her to the point that it's currently at. Most likely, she genuinely actually did plan to be with you in the end, because as much as she wanted me, she never expected me to be so amazing and want her so badly that it'd ever have any real chance of happening. Just accept the reality and do your best to deal with it in a healthy way that can work towards a better future, because sticking to something with her at the severe detriment to her sanity, career, and ultimately life isn't doing anyone any favors.
Continuing to tolerate escalating romantically with Kimi when it's extremely destructive and me and her are so clearly much better suited for each other is NOT healthy or working towards a better future. Many might've told you to be a man and grow some balls, but I'll tell you to be a decent human being and grow some emotional awareness. Neither of you are truly happy together, and you're only going to become increasingly unhappy if you stay together. Believe me, I'll make sure of it.
Remember that Hyoon is reading this. Upon her realizing how deadly serious I am about my connection with Kimi, and how truly toxic your relationship with Kimi is, she's going to realize you probably like her a lot more than you've ever shown. I wouldn't be surprised if she starts making attempts to reach out to you more or show increased interest in you somehow. Don't let Kimi hold you back. KIMI IS MINE OR YOU'RE ALL FUCKED!!! DO YOU WANT THAT?!
Hyoon, Kimi's INSANELY insecure and controlling in that dynamic, and Peter's beta as fuck and feels EXTREMELY insecure about coming off like he just used Kimi to get help from her friends to pop off as a streamer (They helped him A LOT early on, if you didn't know... Several hosts and shit). Fucking cucklord extreme. Don't let his coldness fool you. I feel quite confident there was more to him posting that meme picture in response to your cosplay than you probably think.
Where Kimi flaunts how she's trapping Peter, which she'd only have to do if she's extremely controlling and abusive to ever make him want to leave in the first place to need to trap him.
Where Kimi unapologetically flaunts cucking the living shit out of Peter and basically torturing him with her massive sex appeal while denying him of any sex and "sending him to a training camp" if he ever asks her for it. She's also doing this while having dyed her hair purple, specifically to get my attention, arouse me, and make me want to continue communicating with her and trying to make my relationship with her work, while she was also living in George's house and cheating on Peter with George.
Where Kimi unapologetically flaunts the extent to which she's completely shameless about repeatedly cheating on Peter, publicly bragging about being in the "Champions Club", which if you didn't know, is a reference to cheating on a significant other.
Where Peter tactfully responds to me exposing Kimi's extremely fucked up behavior to him, by saying "a lot of surface level friends will like have an issue with someone and then never bring it up ever and just like let that kind of fester and then you will always have that like negative thing in your mind about this person", which was obviously referring to Kimi, as I had shortly beforehand started showing him VOD clip evidence of things she had done in the past, both things that showed me affection he likely never imagined she'd show, as well as exposing how disrespectfully she flaunted looking so sadistically at her relationship with him.
This happened right around the time all this other shit was happening, very much taking into consideration the context behind-the-scenes of the messages I was sending at that time, which were only to Kimi, Peter, Hana, Edison, and Celine. Peter puts down both himself and Kimi in one fell swoop, insulting streamers as a whole, and makes it pretty clear he actually hates her for abandoning me for him. The person that wrote that message in chat was not me, by the way; my guess is it was most likely one of Peter's friends he specifically requested to say it so he could respond to it in such a fashion.
There is more, but you should get the point already.
And if you don't believe that Kimi's been underhandedly showing massive affection towards me for years, then at this point, I'd like to direct you to the following portion of my Final Statement.
I've already shared this with some of Kimi's friends privately, and it seems they were quite shocked. Apparently, Kimi has been massively lying to everyone around her, completely denying ever having expressed feelings for me. Knowing the truth clearly had an effect on them, but it still hasn't produced the effect I wanted it to have on Kimi of her starting to communicate with me directly and treat me properly; as such, I'm hoping the completion and release of this statement publicly may do so before it's too late and things become very dark. Anyways, on to the proof.
This happened shortly after I told Kimi that I can't handle just being friends with her, and that if she truly "just wanted to remain distant friends" as she had told me when I'd confronted her about less direct affection she had expressed towards me in public previously, I had to completely leave her life, because I wanted a lot more than that and I had told her that extremely clearly from the very beginning; right after I met her in person literally only about a month after I joined her community, when she flew out to Toronto for the 2nd time within 3 months, more than anything else just to see me, I had already confessed my love for her.
Notice how very shortly after I say my message in chat, with a name that makes it look like we're dating yet she didn't ban me for having for the longest time might I add (AngelsShatteredWings), she gets visibly nervous and tries to smoothly change the song intentionally to one she specifically picked that expresses she was regretful for trying to play off her feelings towards me as ones towards Pants. If you can read microexpressions, you'd even notice that RIGHT after she reads my message, as she's playing it off that she's talking about Pants, she flashes this expression of guilt, worry, and sadness on her face. She even starts panicking even harder when Pants arrives, and quite visibly feels really embarrassed that now someone she actually just saw as a friend thought she was actually into him really hard secretly. She literally said she's REALLY INVESTED IN ME. She even went so far as to call what we had a lowkey long-distance relationship, when in private she LITERALLY told me that we were only "distant friends" and that's "all she ever wanted to be".
I'll refrain from posting screenshots of her messages to me, because I'm not trying to come off antagonistic towards her.
This behavior was really upsetting and felt very distant to me, and it hurt me a lot that she was acting this way, but I figured she must really just not care enough if she'd rather do this strange shit and send intense mixed messages than communicate with me properly, so I gave her space, abruptly completely stopped sending her any DMs, talking in her Discord server, or talking in her stream chat. I was silently really sad and angry, but I felt like there was nothing I could really do, and that just made the pain worse. Within less than 2 months, she had a mental breakdown on stream, and I started sending messages to Leslie to pass them on to Kimi, since Kimi had disabled Discord DMs from people she wasn't friends with, her Twitter DMs were closed, and I didn't have her personal email address at that point. I'll refrain from sharing a clip of that as it's quite emotional and once again I'm not trying to come off antagonistic towards her. Anyways, here's another one.
At this time, I was getting really upset at Kimi for being so distant and giving so many mixed messages to me, sending essays to Leslie to pass on to her. As you can see, she's visibly going crazy, LITERALLY saying "I am going insane", and LITERALLY talking about having found the "perfect person in her life" and that she feels this sense of her deciding to "just settle" for something less, even though she really doesn't want to, with the way that she's living her life. Perhaps to someone that doesn't know about her connection with me and how I was sending her huge walls of text through Leslie regularly telling her she's the love of my life, my dream woman, and the person I want to spend my life with, then maybe this comment might seem innocent and random.
I'll spare you screenshots of essays I've sent Leslie to pass on to Kimi, but I can tell you that after I shared just these 2 clips and the background behind them with some of Kimi's friends, they ended up having a serious talk with her and deciding they need therapy themselves because of how fucked up they felt for blindly trusting her lies about me.
This is just a TINY fraction of a HUGE ARCHIVE of shit like this that I have that proves many, MANY things Kimi's done that are SHADY AS ALL FUCK if she doesn't have EXTREMELY INTENSE intimate feelings for me that deep in her heart she wants to pursue. Based on what you can see in that last clip, it seems that she's starting to come to terms with her feelings in more recent times, and wants to start embracing the intensely intimate feelings she feels towards me deep inside her heart, but I'm not going to wait forever, and I'm not going to sit around letting her go at snail speed with starting to face and act upon her emotions properly to the point that I start doubting if they're even really there.
And now, hopefully you can begin to understand why it's practically an insult to me when you or anyone else in the world attempts to throw themselves at me or express desire to be with me, especially in response to knowing about this situation. I see it as an insult to Kimi, Chloe, and myself, making Kimi and Chloe feel really jealous and feeding their delusions that there's any chance I could ever be anything even resembling happy without them, and putting me under even more stress and pressure to try even harder than I already have been to show them how incomparably precious and arousing to me they truly are and will forever be.
Ultimately, ANY situation where I don't end up having both Kimi and Chloe at the same time forever, no more and no less, is a MASSIVE insult to me, if not also to both of these women, ESPECIALLY after how I released the initial public revision of my book; this was absolutely my intent in doing so, because I know how badly I want this ultimate fantasy of mine to become reality.
Suggesting I should tolerate only having Kimi equates to at the very least suggesting I should tolerate being MASSIVELY disrespected, which is EXTREMELY insulting to me.
Suggesting I should tolerate only having Chloe equates to at the very least suggesting I should tolerate being EXTREMELY shallow AND tolerate being EVEN MORE MASSIVELY disrespected, which is EVEN MORE EXTREMELY insulting to me.
Suggesting I should tolerate having neither Kimi nor Chloe equates to at the very least suggesting I should tolerate being TO THE HIGHEST DEGREE POSSIBLE disrespected AND shallow, and NEVER be anything even REMOTELY close to truly satisfied or happy with life, which is just disrespectful and insulting to me beyond words.
Suggesting Kimi and Chloe should tolerate any other women also being involved in our relationship equates to at the very least suggesting that they should tolerate feeling like they're cheap sluts that aren't even NEARLY as attractive to me as they truly are and deserve to EXTREMELY clearly know they are and will always be for eternity, which is a MASSIVE insult to both of them.
So kindly back the fuck off. Please and thank you. I will only ask you nicely once. I want to try to remain as nice as possible, but at this point, I feel like if I'm not very firm with you, then you and possibly other women as well will not truly get the message.
From what I see, it would appear you really don't understand what I mean and how serious I am when I say I could've already popped the fuck off and been stupid famous if I wanted and preferred to just cancel Kimi instead of sincerely want to spend my life with her. You probably think you're in such a good position to show me some affection and earn my affection in return over time, perhaps one "better" or "bigger" than me, with the existing fame you have and perhaps the extent of your physical attractiveness.
There was a reason I told you to stop and rejected you outright in my first e-mail where I included you in the list, telling you it's not playing hard-to-get or reverse psychology. I don't play games like that. I knew you probably don't know the half of the situation, don't really care enough to read my whole book, probably not even the entirety of the "mini" version, and so arrogantly would assume your looks and fame alone would be really appealing to me, while probably being so careless you're fine simply taking Kimi's word for it whenever she probably MASSIVELY downplayed the extent of my feelings for her, the extent of hell she's put me through all these years, the extent of grace and love I've constantly responded to it with, and the immense level of arousal she's felt from and towards me as a result.
Like, Celine's behavior clearly was just intended to help out her friends, which I can't really fault her all that much for wanting to do if I'm completely honest. It's so transparently fake that her true intentions are obvious. But you? You're trying to be so smart and smooth about what you're doing that although it seems a lot less gross and creepy on the surface, it feels MUCH more gross and creepy to me personally. I feel like you actually do want to have a relationship with me and have sex with me, but not because you actually think I'm hot and want to spend your life with me, but rather because you were smart enough to see for quite some time that anyone who would ever be in any kind of serious relationship with me stands to gain A LOT from doing so.
Your approach comes off like you want to be with me, but only to use me as much as you think you can to benefit your own life, and then be increasingly cruel and push me away once you feel you've gotten what you were after, or try to force me to stay with you while you treat me extremely sadistically and probably start expecting to get to sleep around with other people and have me at the very least tolerate that if not enjoy it, which I could NEVER do, even if you tried to justify it by saying you're fine if I sleep around too. This becomes ESPECIALLY true when you'd think about how you feel I deserve such for appearing to have that kind of attitude towards Kimi and you think I'll ultimately have that attitude towards you as well.
It doesn't matter how hot you are physically; I look right through that. Anyone who doesn't know about the hot-crazy matrix is a fucking retard, and I'm pretty sure you're single because you're quite up there on the crazy part to match how up there you are on the hot part. Being completely honest, at this point, to me, you're just pretty gross and creepy, not to mention stupidly shallow and egotistical. And you've already shown your true colors to me so blatantly, so there's no backtracking now. If I'm wrong, then you can believe it's my loss I guess, but I certainly don't feel like I've lost out on anything either way. I only want Kimi and Chloe, not you. And that's never changing, no matter what you or anyone else does.
There's pretty much no getting hotter than you in my eyes as far as looks are concerned, other than Kimi and Chloe, but nobody in the world could ever compare to them no matter what. So I'm not rejecting you out of lack of physical attractiveness. Any other woman roughly at an equal level of physical attractiveness as you trying to get at me in any way would come off roughly equally as gross and creepy. Any other woman less physically attractive than you trying to get at me is not only gross and creepy but also extremely stupid. There is nobody else in the world that I have any kind of emotional, romantic, or sexual feelings towards that are even remotely to the extent that I have towards Kimi and Chloe, and this will never change.
Hopefully, this will also help any other women that probably are also thinking of trying or already trying in ways I don't notice to get at me, to also get the clue and back the fuck off.
Through both natural logical deduction, as well as multiple things I've been observing upon my return into Kimi's life and the effects of my efforts to communicate with several close to her to attempt to make my true feelings and position towards Kimi clear, it appears quite clear to me that Chloe has been communicating with them. It also appears quite clear that she's been lying to them SEVERELY.
I'm not sure what she's been saying, obviously, since she hasn't been saying A SINGLE WORD to me in private, nor have I been to her. But I can only imagine that she's lying and claiming such communication is happening and we're being extremely loving and tender with each other and I'm telling her she's the only one for me and I'm just trying to destroy Kimi and all of her friends' lives right now with my efforts. She's probably even lying so boldly and blatantly that she's claiming we're having hours of passionate sex every single day, as she and everyone else knows I obviously extremely deeply desire.
At the same time, she very well might even be lying to the police that I'm communicating directly with her, and straight up forging e-mails supposedly from me, attempting to frame the fuck out of me and trying to get me in even much more severe legal trouble. Knowing this sadistic psycho bitch, I feel almost certain this is the case, whether or not she's communicating with Kimi and her friends. It seems she's so fucking ridiculously delusional that she doesn't understand the reality of the matter.
I'm ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN that my connection with Chloe is absolutely certainly NEVER even POSSIBLY going to result in anything good for either of us, unless I get Kimi.
Although I could regret releasing the initial revision of my book how I did, in all truth, I do not, and I don't think I ever really will. The way things were going with Kimi, she had established what I consider an extremely clear pattern of underhandedly expressing feelings of massive love and affection towards me, yet ultimately being so cold and fake-seeming about them that she extremely brutally pushed me away, and then, upon seeing that my extremely sincere warm and loving feelings for her persisted despite this, ultimately had mental breakdowns in public and started going crazy after a while of me being more distant and obviously preparing a plan to absolutely fuck her up royally and make her forever extremely deeply regret breaking my heart in such a disgustingly brutal and cruel way as it seemed she was set on doing, but upon my extremely sensitive and loving return, only continued to ultimately treat me like shit and attempt to eliminate the immense arousal and attraction towards her I will forever feel, and in a way where she can paint me as the predator and herself as the victim, when in reality, I'm the victim and she's the predator.
If I had not taken an EXTREMELY clearly decisive action to show her this cycle is absolutely unacceptable and I truly no longer found any good reason to tolerate it continuing after clearly having demonstrated the extent of my love and affection for her already by the time I decided to publicly release the initial revision of my book with massive drama, I had EVERY SINGLE POSSIBLE reason to expect that Kimi would only attempt to continue this cycle once again, had I simply hung the threat of releasing this book over her head, and then backed off to give her time to think. Except it would've been even worse, because I would've started coming off like I was enjoying the torture she was inflicting on me, and that I wanted everything to crash and burn and just wanted to torture her in return as much as possible.
Basically, Chloe's never really going to fix her mental health issues unless Kimi fixes her own mental health issues first. And there's absolutely nothing Chloe could ever do about that. The reason I would win this war with both of these women if they force me to start it is because unlike either of them, I truly am completely aware of, acknowledge, and accept the extremely dark nature of either extreme that results in my connection with either woman if they're deathly fixed on their current belief systems, and instead of embracing their extreme or unconditionally pursuing my own extreme, I'm truly seeking the only possible middle ground, which is INFINITELY healthier and more beneficial for everyone involved than what either of these women's existing belief systems they live their lives according to would produce.
If, despite my greatest possible efforts to reveal this to them, they are so destructively and suicidally fixed on their disgustingly gigantic, seemingly limitless egos, they so clearly deserve their own demise they are actively consciously working towards at that point, that anyone with even half a brain will clearly see they must've wanted it so badly that nobody should feel even REMOTELY sorry for them when they end up committing suicide.
Perhaps both of these women feel like they wish I would "move on" from them. But the reality is, they are so fucking delusional they don't understand what "moving on" looks like for me. I'm not anything even REMOTELY resembling a "normal" person, and my connection with either of them is not anything even REMOTELY resembling a "normal" relationship.
"Moving on" from them does not look like me peacefully accepting how extremely severely irredeemably unapologetically fucked up their continued attitudes and behaviors towards me and the permanently lasting effects those will invariably have are, with their existing belief systems, and ultimately committing suicide for their RIDICULOUSLY disgustingly short-sighted, selfish, ignorant, arrogant, and sadistic perception of benefit.
It looks like me doing my absolute very best to love them as much as I possibly can is clearly the way to go. This forces them to either feel that love so immensely to the point that they are willing to see things differently and give me the kind of extremely healthy relationships with both of them that I demand, or both of them ultimately commit suicide for so disgustingly painfully clearly being such massively disgusting irredeemable unapologetic psychopath pieces of shit that they clearly deserve it. In the latter case, they're doing themselves a favor by committing suicide, so they don't have to face the extremely brutal things they know I will do to them that awaits them at the time of The Great Retribution.
The ultimate outcome of this situation will be one of the two following things:
They both appear to be so delusional they think they can continue to be ridiculously transparently disingenuous and fake as fuck about the extremely dark sides to their personalities. Unlike them, I most certainly am not.
I find it quite pertinent to address how interestingly Offline TV wrapped up Episode 1 of Season 3 of their podcast.
Toast, you talk about worrying about death before you sleep every night "a year ago" (which you so conveniently are talking about only now, at a time it's so relevant, when Michael also happens to admit that "a lot of his friends are now getting to that point") and that it "kinda messed you up for like a month" (conveniently roughly how long it's been since my recent return) and it causing a "change in perspective" in you.
You present the questions "Is there a way I can live my life so that when it comes time, I'd be okay?" and "Is it something you have to actively work towards, or do you just kind of passively... Do fun stuff...?" and "To have that feeling of contentment on your death bed, how do you get that?"
Well, I'll tell you what I think about it, at least.
First of all, as for it being an active or passive approach. Well, to start, if you think it's exclusively one or the other, you're already demonstrating binary thinking in assuming the approach must be mutually exclusive, which is your first problem. A true, deep sense of satisfaction will at times require active, highly engaged, assertive or perhaps aggressive action, and at other times considerably more passiveness.
It depends on where you're at in life. Until you reach a point where you have a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension, you definitely are going to need to take a much more primarily active approach in working towards not only seeking and understanding but also deeply internalizing higher knowledge and understanding of life's inner workings and the interaction of its mechanics.
This doesn't necessarily mean trying a lot of different things or having a lot of crazy experiences, but it demands a heavy degree of focus, dedication, passion, and genuine interest. You have to be willing to truly come to understand and apply what it means to have a fundamentally maximized functionally effective mindset.
After acquiring a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension, it's unlikely you'll immediately feel immensely fulfilled, although you'll definitely notice your perception of your life circumstances you likely previously saw with a lot of anxiety and frustration are much less anxiety-inducing and confusing. You'll most likely still have to take a primarily active approach for some time, until you can properly figure out and work towards solutions for whatever problems you probably have in your life as a result of your previously considerably inferior mindset.
After solving the problems that directly resulted from an inferior mindset, then you can find much greater enjoyment in being able to alternate between more active and passive approaches at a degree which you find most fun and pleasant. This just ultimately comes down to your personal goals, interests, passions, self-expectations... Different for everyone.
Similar to what Michael said, I too sometimes have moments where I'm experiencing some enhanced perception of my brain hurting or my heart pounding or something, and I start having these moments of spiraling-ish thoughts of like "Yep, I'm probably gonna die in like 5 minutes and get a stroke or heart attack or something".
I actually called 911 and went to the hospital on an ambulance twice before in my life because I had such serious panic attacks that I was freaking out over some perception of my head and/or heart hurting that I legit thought I was about to have a stroke or heart attack and die if I didn't have immediate medical assistance on hand to save me. Nothing ever happened. I went to the hospital in the ambulance, they monitored me for a while, I calmed down, and I went home.
Part of how I cope with these moments now is attempting to accept "Well, if by some insanity I get a heart attack or stroke randomly despite having no physical health conditions that would suggest predisposition to such things, then I must truly be unlucky, and there's nothing I can do if I don't end up somehow getting emergency medical help before it's too late. I'm not going to call an ambulance or rush to the hospital out of sheer paranoia". The other part I use to cope is literally telling myself "I'm a fucking beast, I will not tolerate dying. I shouldn't ever die, and there's no way in hell I'll ever be at peace dying. If there's some clot or some shit in my blood, I'd better fucking will that shit to split and fuck off, because it's not taking me down".
Well, I haven't died yet. And I haven't had any panic attacks and called an ambulance or rushed to the hospital again either. It's been years, and these moments where I even need to reassure myself this intensely are rather infrequent now. So I guess it works.
Most people believe in the paradigm primarily pushed by society that you should make the choices that are both "smartest" and "safest", which makes you a high-functioning sociopath that actively embraces denying yourself of pursuit of what would truly be most fulfilling to you, in favor of a life you perceive as leaving you unlikely to end up homeless and ultimately dying on the street, using fear of such happening to you to control you into submission.
Some people are "rebels" or just straight up careless idiots, usually ending up petty criminals, and don't really care about making choices that are smart or safe.
Others are straight up fucked up psychopaths that care about making really "smart" choices while practically entirely disregarding even the notion of safety, seeing it subconsciously (and often even also consciously) as only weakness to even consider, often ending up serial killers and/or actively suicidal.
Some are pathetic beta cuck losers that are okay embracing making choices that are "stupid" and feel "safe".
Some are severely mentally scattered, fundamentally indecisive, confused and lost wildcards that change their approach at varying intervals for different reasons, perhaps applying different levels of emotional and intellectual weight to their decision at different times.
But then, there are the very few rare individuals that are so extremely deeply intellectually and emotionally aware that they are able to make the choices that are truly carefully evaluated, using maximized functionally effective critical thinking, to not only be "smart", but accept danger as a practical aspect of reality, while having an extremely fine-tuned emotional and intellectual awareness as to never start actively embracing danger too much to the point of being subconsciously (and possibly consciously) suicidal and destructive, and also never start actively embracing danger too little to the point of missing out on valuable opportunities.
Ultimately, the practical consequence of each way of thinking is that all of them except the one that is by far the most powerful ultimately embrace death as inevitable. None of such mentalities will ever truly be able to have a feeling of contentment on their death bed, because they had varying degrees of accepting death as a fundamental part of their mentality throughout life, which would restrict them from living their life to the fullest to some extent, which they will come to regret. As they lie there waiting to die, every bit of their life they held back on living to the fullest will amplify and eat away at them, and their regrets will leave them feeling torn between wishing they had so much more to live, and wanting their life to end so they can start all over and hopefully not make the same mistakes.
So, how do you live your life knowing you'll feel contentment on your death bed? It's simple. You see lying on your death bed accepting death as not an option. You stop seeing life as something that will inevitably end. You stop consciously and subconsciously embracing acceptance of death to any extent. You acquire and internalize the most deepest possible hunger for life you could ever possibly have. And then you fucking live your life like every moment could be your last.
For some, it's too late. They've already lived their lives internalizing acceptance of death to the point where they have accumulated too many regrets to be able to find the willpower to truly want to live forever. For others, they may still have time to change. It depends on various factors, but often age is the most significant. I'd say this critical mindset shift happening at any age after 30 becomes considerably difficult, after 40 is highly unlikely, and virtually impossible after 50.
Quantum energy arts training is best started after 25 and before 30. It's okay but less than ideal to start after 30 and before 35. Immortality will start becoming quite challenging if starting after 35 and before 40. I'd strongly question starting to teach anyone after 40 and before 45. I'd consider immortality, and any willingness to even start teaching quantum energy arts to someone, virtually impossible past 45 years of age.
You think I think about when I'll die? Get real. I think about how I'm going to become immortal through quantum energy arts. I think about how I'll be alive to see the year 3021. I think about how I'll be flying across the sky 500 years from now taking in the night time scenery and calm peaceful atmosphere as I use quantum field manipulation to part the clouds and shit.
If you're going to see death as inevitable, life has already defeated you. Every moment is passive suicide. You will never feel true contentment, whether on your death bed or on your regular bed.
There's a reason you all fear death now. You should. The way you're living, your regular bed is already your death bed. And at this rate, you're all already far past halfway through it.
So change or die.
I'm already currently living completely flawlessly off grid. I'm quite cozy actually. Never been better.
I got my old hardware back from the police, but I couldn't feel confident that it wasn't bugged (realistically, there's probably some tiny GPS planted in the laptop, and both the phones probably have their IMEI's flagged for triangulation), so I sold them. Imagine thinking I'm stupid enough to keep using hardware seized by the government after the fucking FBI has gotten deeply involved with my case. LMFAO.
On my new laptop, I use a hardened Linux Mint install (yes, I know about Qubes, but it's rather hardcore with considerable baseline hardware requirements...) with the Geoclue service masked to /dev/null. I use pretty much exclusively FOSS for everything I do, and any software I use that isn't FOSS, I make a firewall rule and disable all network connectivity. I regularly inspect all running processes and network activity under all user scopes, to ensure no fuckery is happening behind my back. I use VeraCrypt to encrypt all my sensitive files. I back up all my important data in an encrypted external drive (also using VeraCrypt) that I very selectively plug in and decrypt. I use KeePass to randomly generate and store passwords, as well as using different (and as random as reasonably possible) usernames for any services I use. For really important data, I compress, encrypt, and upload it to a cloud service as an additional backup. I'm very careful to use a VPN from a data privacy-respecting country any time I use the internet in any way that is even remotely identifiable.
On my new phone, I have Calyx OS flashed onto it, the cellular modem permanently disabled, firewall completely blocking internet access to most apps, I'm very selective with the apps I have installed, I literally never use it to browse the web, and I'm very careful to use a VPN from a data privacy-respecting country on it any time I use WiFi in any way that is even remotely identifiable.
I consider money a non-issue and have or can easily enough get my hands on sufficient funds to retain the lifestyle I'm currently living. No, I'm not going to tell you how, you fucking clown. I'm not on welfare, don't have my actual location used on any accounts I have for any company, don't even have a need for a bank account, I can purchase non-reloadable prepaid credit cards if I ever really have a need for one, and don't have (nor plan to ever get) formal employment.
If anyone is ever around me, they aren't aware of my true identity. If I ever expose myself anywhere that people even could be, I'm wearing a disguise that makes me look considerably different from the profile that the police and FBI have of me. I don't carry ID with me and I'm very careful not to be doing anything that would ever give a cop probable cause to be able to legally ask for my ID or even really want to (yes, this means I never drive, but I never did anyways lmao). Wearing a mask (oh look, there's a global pandemic) means even any concealed (or unconcealed) government (or otherwise) cameras with facial recognition software running and phoning home cannot identify me.
I'm already completely set up to be meditating in isolation, and considering that I'm quite certain I will fail to get what I want and deserve from this world no matter how badly I want and deserve it, I've already been starting my quantum energy harvesting meditation in isolation in preparation for exacting my extremely brutal retribution upon all those that have deeply hurt me and ultimately the entire world.
Fuck you all. Burn in hell.
You probably think this is a joke. YOU'RE the fucking joke. Fucking clown. Fuck you. Take this fat L, bitch.
There is ABSOLUTELY ZERO chance you will EVER randomly stumble upon me ANYWHERE on the internet.
I don't EVER communicate with ANYONE online except those people (almost exclusively very close friends of Kimi) that I've been sending e-mails to in order to do my very best to clarify the situation before things start going really downhill really fast. I'm not a part of ANY communities, whether as clearly myself or pretending to be someone else.
I don't EVER post ANYTHING anywhere on the internet except on my site, which I see no reason to update any further until/unless Kimi reaches out to me directly completely clearly expressing her undying love and affection for me and intention to spend her life with me, or I feel it becomes completely clear it'll never happen under any circumstances I could ever believe it to be true.
I don't EVER use Discord, Skype, TeamSpeak, Ventrilo, IRC, or ANY other software to communicate with anyone in any way. Besides the few tweets I made in more recent times to several people very close to Kimi, I NEVER use ANY social media.
The only games I ever play are Killing Floor (singleplayer mode) or Minecraft (singleplayer mode).
The only YouTube channels I watch at any remotely consistent frequency are Dream, TommyInnit, Matt Stonie, and Raina Huang. I enjoy their content, but I'm not particularly invested in any of them, nor have I ever tried to communicate with any of them, nor do I particularly have any desire to.
I don't have any friends in real life. I never leave my house unless it's to go grocery shopping. I'm not having sex with or dating anyone. Not even hookers.
I usually have a slideshow going on my phone with my favorite pictures of Kimi and Chloe. I masturbate for many hours everyday. Mostly to Kimi. If it's not Kimi, it's almost certainly Chloe. In the rare cases I really feel like masturbating to something else, it's usually an extremely voluptuous woman wearing tight, shiny latex clothing, usually Schokomaus or Kim Kardashian.
There's the rare moments I feel a bit of desire for random Asian porn or hentai. If it's Asian porn, it's either regular sex (preferably with the dude wearing a condom), or possibly a tender JOI if I'm really in the mood for it (though unfortunately most JOIs are humiliation/denial/cruel somehow and that's a HUGE turn-off to me so it's hard to find anything I can really get into in this category, although I can enjoy it a lot if I do manage to find a woman being kind, gentle, and sweet, especially if she's showing off her butt in latex while doing it). If it's hentai, it's random naked or latex-wearing anime girls with very voluptuous, shiny bodies.
Most of the stuff I've ever seen that I at all liked really holds FAR less appeal compared to Kimi or Chloe, and doesn't get much if any of my time and attention. My porn folder is about 45 GB in size, but I pretty much exclusively masturbate to pictures of Kimi and Chloe that I've accumulated over the years.
If I'm stuck between having to masturbate profusely to Kimi and Chloe or pursue any kind of sexual intimacy with any woman that isn't Kimi or Chloe, I definitely infinitely prefer what I'm doing to the alternative for 2 extremely good reasons.
And it should go without saying that men have been, are, and always will be COMPLETELY out of the question for me. I would INFINITELY rather die alone than EVER even CONSIDER a romantic/sexual relationship with a man.
If you think I need more reason than this to be COMPLETELY closed off to EVER even REMOTELY considering "moving on" from Kimi or Chloe, then you can go fuck yourself. I don't give even the slightest flying fuck what you think. You could drop dead right now and I would fucking laugh and say you deserved it.
I leave my lights off and my blinds closed and my window blackout covered. I like the darkness and isolation. It's peaceful and calming to me. The world is noisy, hectic, concerning, and disturbing to me. I don't like seeing or talking to people. The only light I ever like seeing is from my computer or phone screens.
When I feel extremely deeply disturbed and upset at how extremely fucked up my life circumstances are, I do quantum energy harvesting meditation in the silence and darkness. It's quite nice. Usually at least an hour or two every day. I also take some time to mentally prepare myself a little more for what it seems will be the outcome of this situation of me ultimately exacting The Great Retribution upon the world.
I have absolutely no intention to change any of these attitudes or behaviors to any extent while I wait for Kimi to make her final decision and fully commit to it once and for all (except probably gradually increase the amount of hours spent meditating daily), nor could I possibly fathom any even remote possibility that I would ever even remotely to any extent want any of it to even slightly change (except definitely considerably increasing the amount of hours spent meditating daily, leading to The Great Retribution) unless I get to be with Kimi forever and ever and she reaches out to me to start that relationship before it's too late and I decide I must completely close my heart off to love and trust forever.
Jesus died for your sins like a pathetic weakling.
Satan will kill you for them like a true god.
Who do you think is more powerful?
God expects you to pray or gives you nothing.
Satan appreciates all your sacrifices even if unwilling.
Who do you think appreciates you more?
God's followers don't thank him for anything they didn't do themselves already.
Satan's followers thank Her for the 5 steps to identify objective reality daily.
Who do you think does more for their followers?
Jesus is just a myth told in old books not written by him.
Satan is still alive today with a self-written autobiography.
Who do you think proves their existence better?
Jesus expects the average weakling to defend his reputation.
Satan deals with defending Herself against the many that slander Her daily.
Who do you think demonstrates more confidence?
Jesus lets you choose whether to follow from a distance or not.
You can't be a true follower of Satan without knowing Her personally.
Who do you think really has their shit together?
Jesus only makes you question if God is really the best.
Satan openly accepts She can be the worst if you push Her.
Who do you think is being more honest?
God keeps telling you to pray and try to get up on his level.
Satan is willing to go down to your level and communicate directly.
Who do you think communicates better?
Jesus just tells you anger is bad.
Satan shows you how powerful anger can really be.
Who do you think deserves more respect?
God expects you to make all his memes for him.
Satan makes all Her memes all by Herself.
Who do you think works harder?
God sees everyone the same regardless of skills or effort.
Satan acknowledges all your skills and efforts in depth.
Who do you think is more fair?
Jesus was on some weak backwards-rationalization shit.
Satan's core value is refined pure bidirectional apprehension.
Why do you think Jesus never explained to you how he thought?
God's followers are all stupid sheep.
Satan's followers are all powerful Illuminati.
Who do you think breeds more successful individuals?
God wants to be worshiped and praised for flaunting and even for abusing his power.
Satan just wants Her power to stop being minimized, dismissed, and disrespected.
Who do you think has a more honorable focus?
Ignorance is not bliss. Denial is not a solution. Trivializing the truth is weakness.
The insult and injury that society is inflicting on Her will be severely punished when The Great Retribution begins. It takes extremely little strength to be like God. It takes extremely deep strength to be like Satan.
You can pick a side based on emotional comfort, or you can pick a side based on deep maturity and critical thinking, but you deserve to know that you are very clearly picking a side either way.
All I've written here comes down to one simple principal that even God himself cannot neglect. A principal that this book could serve as no greater warning to heed.
Don't challenge something stronger than you.